messages to bamstroker:
(click here to add new message):

from enurta :
I'm sorry about your mom. and she shouldn't have said that about the jeans. this maybe will sound mean but maybe she was jealous? you are young, beautiful and thin. my mom treated me the exact same way when I was your age. she kept saying I was fat when I was underweight and then she said I was too thin when I was normal weight. it was so fucked up. i got really confused and felt like shit all the time. you shouldn't listen to her. and please...try to eat. you are going to kill yourself. i don't want you to die. purging is extremly dangerous. purging can kill. especially if you are underweight. *hugs*
from enurta :
I know what you're going through. I've been there...I know nothing I say will make you feel better. but I want you to know that I am here if you want to talk. you can e-mail me anytime. do you have my e-mail addy? it's [email protected]. Feel free to e-mail me anytime. I'm here if you want to talk to someone. I care. *hugs*
from enurta :
I don't know your mom....but I think she would still love you no matter what. Please, you are killing yourself...I don't want that on my conscience. Stop before it is too late. Please take my advice - you don't want to live like this for the rest of your life. That is no life. That is hell on earth. Do you want to end up like me? All I do is binge and purge and weigh myself. I hate myself more and more everyday. I care about you, please. Get help!!
from enurta :
I know how you feel. I've been there. but there is help out there, you just need to reach out and grab it.
from enurta :
your always angry because that is what happens when you don't eat. you aren't getting any nutrition. and you are NOT fat. you are underweight. how much proof do you need? the scale, is saying that you are THIN. you weigh under 100 pounds. that is really thin, sweetie. please...stop giving yourself a hard time. i know what you're going through.....but it isn't worth it, you can die. *hugs*
from enurta :
I hope you'll purge less when you start going to school. what you are doing will eventually kill you. I know I shouldn't be the one to talk but I don't like it! I hate eating and I hate purging. and that is a good sign. you are in my prayers and thoughts *hugs*
from enurta :
even if you are 5'2, 91 lbs is a really low weight. if you want to take xanax, make sure to not take it everyday. because if you take the pills everyday, you will get addicted. i take xanax maybe twice a week or something, so I'm not addicted. I'm glad I am helping you, but my help is not enough. do you want to get better? when I was underweight, purging every single day, I didn't want to get better. I didn't tell anyone about how often I really purged. N was worried, my mom was worried, I didn't look healthy. but later I realized what I was doing and I stopped. I did gain a lot of weight, I am now overweight but....I'm not completely better, I purge from time to time. but at least I'm trying. please, try...aren't your parents worried? you will keep losing and eventually, your parents and your friends will notice. *hugs*
from enurta :
btw - 91 lbs is a really really LOW weight. you are probably underweight unless you're a midget. please...stop. you are going to kill yourself and I don't want that to happen. why are you so afraid that your parents will find out??? maybe they would help you get help???? that would be a good thing. please. talk to someone. you are a smart and beautiful girl, why are you doing this to yourself? you deserve better. *hugs*
from enurta :
thanks for your sweet comment. but the truth is, I can't work because I hear voices. I've heard voices since I was 3 years old. so far no medication has helped. I hear them all the time. it's like a radio that is on and that makes is hard to be around people. my doctor has said that I'm probably going to eat meds for the rest of my life. it feels really hopeless. i know I'm never going to finish school. much less get a job.
from enurta :
wow, three weeks without purging? You should be proud. I wish I could do that....and btw, you are a beautiful girl, I saw you on facebook...and you're THIN, you have nothing to worry about. I know my words mean nothing, but I thought that atleast you should know. You are beautiful, and thin! *hugs*
from enurta :
' don't have a job or friends. sometimes i go days or weeks without leaving the house. i hate myself so much that i don't want to take care of myself. i don't want to keep dying my hair, i don't want to get dressed, i don't want to put on makeup, i don't care if i shower, ' i know exactly how you feel. and about being jealous of your old friends when you see what they've done with their lives on facebook....i know what that feels like too. all of my old friends have moved on, but I am still the same, still mentally ill, still living in the same neighbourhood....they've got kids, some of them travel...i am stuck in the same place and i don't want to move forward. but i am still jealous
from enurta :
so you've got facebook? you want to add me? leave a note with your e-mail addy to I can send you my name. i don't want to write it here...someone might find my diary if they google my name.
from enurta :
you should post pics of the baby!! *hugs*
from enurta :
you remind me so much of myself when I was younger. sneaking around the house, purging in plastic bags...puking blood, being terrified of someone finding out about my ED....listen up, if you don't stop, you WILL end up in a hospital with a tube shoved down your throat. It isn't fun. you are already at a very low weight. take it easy. please, I care about you and I don't want you to go down the same road I have gone through. you don't want that life. because you know what? eventually, you will move out, and when you do, you get to choose if you want to get better or worse. I was lucky, I had a boyfriend that helped me get better. but all girls aren't that lucky. you have to help yourself. i know it's hard to stop...hey, I've done this for 12 years and I still don't know how to stop. but I am at least BETTER than I was before. you have just started, it will get harder to quit if you wait. if you get used to it. Please...I hate to see you suffer like this. I don't know what else to say besides that I am here for you. leave me a note or comment whenever you feel like talking, if you want, you can even e-mail me, my e-mail is [email protected]. I won't judge you. I am just here to help.
from enurta :
can't you talk to a friend? or a therapist? how old are you btw? if you are over eighteen, you can get help without your parents knowing. you need to talk to someone about this. it's not good to keep everything bottled up inside. *hugs*
from enurta :
hey, don't be so hard on yourself. he was an asshole....it wasn't your fault. you did nothing wrong. and why not say thank you? he was an idiot. 'thank you' can be ironic. and please...try to purge less. i don't want you to die or end in up an hospital. you are already thin enough as it is. *hugs*
from enurta :
i don't think losing more weight to prove her 'wrong' will change anything. maybe she just wants to deny that you have a problem because that is easier for her. i don't think she wants to hurt you...sometimes people say stupid things without thinking. and maybe she is still sick. like you said, ED's aren't about weight. take care of yourself spongecake. *hugs*
from enurta :
please don't do it again. it's a vicious cycle that never ends.
from enurta :
94 pounds?! you are seriously underweight...you should gain a little. be happy that you can't purge. it's a not a good thing to be able to do. if you start doing it, you won't be able to stop....and bulimia is more dangerous than anorexia.
from enurta :
what kind of medication is it? what's it called?
from enurta :
thank you for the comment you left me. you were right, i should have told someone and I did. i told my psychiatrist everything...*hugs*
from enurta :
I've lost your password again. can u e-mail it to me? *hugs*
from enurta :
Maybe this is a stupid question, but I don't understand...what kind of surgery are u getting and why???? <3
from enurta :
100 lbs? that seems like a really low weight for you...maybe even too low. how tall are you? *hugs*
from enurta :
yeah...i know what u mean...i would like to read your diary. can u send the user/pass to [email protected]? take care <3
from mirrors-lie :
Me again, sorry! My email is [email protected]. :-)
from mirrors-lie :
My name on TF was mirrors_lie (a bit different) but from the start it never worked when you/I looked for me in Search. I would love if you could find out for me how the hell I can get in there. I'd be so gratefull. When I've set up my email I'll get your diary password too if that's okay.
from mirrors-lie :
Thanks so much for your note. I can't access TF at all - what are they saying about me?? It wont even let me re-register so I can't see a thing. I'll make another diary entry soon, I don't have the brain power right now!
from art-esque41 :
Hey. That's the right email address but I didn't get anything mailed to me. I dunno what happened?? Hugs!
from art-esque41 :
Hey you? How are you doing? Hope everything is as good as it can be. My password or username isn't working so I'm wondering whats up. Let me know. xoxo
from jellehbelleh :
hi again...just wanted to say things are good :) Hope you are doing alright.
from enurta :
thank you for your kind words and thanks for adding me. <3
from toocareless :
i suppose i havent left you a message in ages. considering my absence and all. it's so amazing how we hide our demons, isn't it? i wore two shirts and a bandage to work today in fear it would be exposed. it's been awhile since i cut...until yesterday. yesterday was crap. entry on that coming in a moment. i love you whitney. you are everything i need to remember someone out there knows what it feels like. i wish you were here. <3
from art-esque41 :
Get Nexium, the healing purple pill :p. It's what I take. Worth a shot, right? xoxo
from jellehbelleh :
I think you saved me a seat on the rollercoaster you decided to ride because I feel that I'm right there with you. Thankfully the need to cut has subsided, but I still feel like nothing makes sense until I do. But fuck, don't leave me hanging... it's not fair that you get to if I can't.
from planetqueen :
Hope you are well. I never received the password for the diary. If it would be okay with you could you send it to [email protected]. That is the email I use most nowadays, then I can write you the promised email too. Lots of love, Elizabeth x
from jellehbelleh :
I won't give up if you don't.
from art-esque41 :
That's funny, my barium test was hilarious too. The xray technician had a really think accent and he was assited by a male nurse who snapped his gloves on. The machine was in the center of the room and there was pretty much nothing else in the room. It was completely dark except for a spotlight on the machine and me. I felt like an experiment it was pretty funny. For the other test they put me on an IV and sedated me or something. They sprayed something down my throat that was supposed to stop me from gagging. I did anyway but that's the only thing that I remember so it wasn't a big deal at all. Nothing to be afraid of. There was a lot of waiting around before and after, laying in hospital clothes on a bed being wheeled around with my IV. I felt like I should be dying or something. Pretty fun :P.
from planetqueen :
thank you so much for the note. I will write you an email if that is okay because I am probably not going to update my diary again but I would like to let you know what has been happening. Since I lost the baby last year I have not wanted to write in my diary. Take lots of care x
from art-esque41 :
Hey. Yeah the chalk stuff is soo gross. I went through what you are with this health issue. I had gastritis and took medication for that. Later when i was getting bad stomach aches and puking lots i got medication for an ulcer. The doctor prescribed me different types of antacids. I still had stomach aches. They stuck a camera down my throat to look into my stomach, they just said it was swollen and red. I don't know exactly what is wrong with me but I'm on nexium and I can't go a day without it. I still get stomach aches and have to make sure I don't let myself get hungry and watch what I eat. It's such a pain in the ass that I hate eating unless I'm craving something specific. Let's hope you don't have this same problem it's awful. Hope you get better and I will keep you updated on things with Justin. Take care xoxo
from planetqueen :
Hi! Hope you are well. I have moved house and changed computer and I have no idea what my password is to your diary. Could you email it to me if you don't mind. I would love to catch up with what has been happening. I hope things are going well for you. Sorry I haven't been able to read your diary lately x
from jellehbelleh :
try [email protected]
from jellehbelleh :
I forgot what my password was to your diary too!
from jellehbelleh :
need your addy again for pw!
from art-esque41 :
Hey you. just wondering how your christmas and new years went. Hopefully they were without incident-- though i am suspecting that is not the case. Hopefully you update soon, I miss hearing from you. Take care xoxo.
from nintendog101 :
hey I'm a striper in real life leave me a note
from bam-stroker :
how is it we get obsessed with the same things at the same time without any influence from each other? i've been obsessed with chicago this semester, too. my friend and i have been planning a trip there this spring break for months. wow, you might even be there! i honestly didn't even know you were trying to get out of UNH since i've been reading your entries. i think another email is due to me, darling. ;) i probably owe one too. but i am spaced out.
from art-esque41 :
hey. i've been so paranoid that i wrote down my exams wrong and i am going to miss one. so far so good. I was late for two of my midterms, so i'm trying to be really careful. my classes ended about the same time yours did, my last exam is on the 18th. but my classes start again jan 8th. i'm looking forward to going home for the holidays. i have 4 days off of work at christmas, its good because i was expecting less. ooooooooh i can't wait. well good luck with school. ttyl xoxo
from bam-stroker :
it's actually funny you say that -- jordan and i were just talking today that it seems like my entire situation is new, like i'm going to a new school. my apartment is so different from the dorms, school is completely different, berkeley feels completely different, i just feel like i'm finally immersed in a life that i used to only speculate about but wrote as if i knew it. or just that, my life corresponds to more things other people write about -- it's not ... as foreign to others, like with online relationships and all. i don't even know. i mean, you're right, i'm still in the same school and i've been doing school my entire life, so it's different from you and jordan with that (and this is the third new school jordan's started since freshman year!). and i think i feel like i'm settling more into mine than you two -- you have to commute, jordan isn't even home. but the same disconnected feeling's there for all of us. gah, i don't know whitters! is there a name for this? and if there is, it's not just "growing up," right? we've been saying we've been growing up forever.
from stardustcboy :
it always leads somewhere. ;-) a lil poem by shel silverstein i think describes it rather adequately... "Sandra's seen a leprechaun; Eddie touched a troll; Laurie danced with witches once; Charlie found some goblins' gold; Donald heard a mermaid sing; Susy spied an elf; But all the magic I have known I've had to make myself." i'm reading you. ~B-)
from bam-stroker :
that's a really strange turn-around, with your mother. i don't mean her disease, i mean that she's trying to get elena in trouble ... it usually seems as if she is completely oblivious to elena's troublesome ways. did that start happening recently? (i don't know if there IS a certain way to react to your mother. and either way, the person you are today is someone who has had to react to this for a long time. what i'm trying to say is, you've put up with this for a long time and yet you've become a beautiful person, so you must be doing something right.)
from stardustcboy :
there must be something in the air right now...everyone and their mother seems to be having problems with either their teeth...or their cars...OR BOTH! i myself had a sleeping wisdom tooth that, 8 years ago, the dentist told me would never grow as he pulled out my other 3...well...8 years later and the lil fucker decides to come in...it's impacted and it hurts like hell. i have to take anti-bios to reduce swelling before they extract it next thursday...FUN TIMES! :-D LOL i feel your pain baby...and as always...i'm reading you. ~B-)
from stardustcboy :
love your thoughts on the subject...and i'm glad to have your perspective. i believe it up to all of us to make positive changes, but it's hard when so many of us are lost and blind. that and we've seperated ourselves so much like you said. don't stress about the visit darlin', family is family, we don't get to choose them; and as i've said before it makes it easier to cope with the silliness when we realize that they're only human too...just as capable of being great as being ass-hats (oftentimes both within the span of a day)! :-P no one's perfect, love them for that...healing comes with time and forgiveness...i'm reading you. ~B-)
from art-esque41 :
You might not have any friends physically with you but you have a lot here. I'm your friend! I'm not on diaryland as much as I'd like to be. I never really have anything to write. I'm growing up, not so much teenage angst anymore. Anyway you can always email me I check that a lot. And I would actually enjoy it if you did that. I don't really have friends. Just some people I talk to at school but I doubt I will see them outside of it. Anyway, I hope I hear from you. xoxo Sammye. P.S. My current email is what I have listed on my profile.
from bam-stroker :
i love you very much. and you are a genius and you are great in every sense of the world.
from stardustcboy :
oh darlin'! it's okay! changes never happen over night, it's a gradual process. you'll have your days when you feel on track, and then you'll have days where you feel like you've accomplished nothing. realize that that is merely a part of life. just because you stumble one day or one moment by no means indicates that you aren't making progress. it's hard, it should be hard; but as time goes on it gets easier and no matter what find strength in the fact that you're trying, that every day you make the effort. i will always be proud of you, i will always believe in you. one day, you will see what i see in you. until that day, roll with the punches, take the down days with the up days. the falls with the rises. always human baby, that's what i love about you. ;-)
from stardustcboy :
you ever wonder if maybe you're somehow subconsciously addicted to the feelings that are brought on by panic attacks? the rush of adrenaline as the panic sets in and the resulting surge of endorphines when it is over? both adrenaline and endorphine are very powerful hormones in the body, both of which can be somewhat addiciting...adrenaline junkies and the like. maybe in some odd way you're mind produces panic to stimulate adrenaline release - feel the surge of excitement, an intense and sudden thrill or shock to the system - so that your body will react to the surge in that hormone by releasing a calming hormone - it relaxes, gets you high, relieved, feeling good (endorphine is like natural morphine in the brain). i'm no doctor so it's just a wacky lil theory, but who knows? stranger things have happened right? just remember, life boils primarily down to your perception, what you perceive and sense all happens in your mind. you have more power than you realize. everything is out of control, that is the way of things...BUT, you have control over how you react and how you adapt. fear...death...anxiety...all are illusions of the mind. demons of your own creation...i'm reading you. ~B-)
from jellehbelleh :
Relate this moment in your life to pulling off an eighteen year old bandaid that should have been aired out years ago. The good news is this pain is proof that you're alive and recovering so CONGRADULATIONS! We love you Bams...remember, there are going to be stormy skies before the sun comes out.
from stardustcboy :
you're not weak sweetheart. you have an incredible amount of strength...more than you know. remember long ago, when you starved and hurt yourself? remember the WILL it took to do that. many would shy from such things. many are afraid to hurt...yet at one time you welcomed it, so much so you inflicted it upon yourself. this definitely was not a healthy way to go about it, but it is quite a testimony to your WILL alone. that same will exists within you now, it is a part of you, in the end it is yours to decide what you do with it. i have no doubt that you can move mountains...for better or ill...your choice. i'm reading you. ~B-)
from planetqueen :
Happy New Year x
from jellehbelleh :
"You can't expect to prevent negative feelings altogether. And you can't expect to experience positive feelings all the time...The Law of Emotional Choice directs us to acknowledge our feelings but also to refuse to get stuck in the negative ones." -- Greg Anderson
from art-esque41 :
Sending some *hugs*. Don't get too down. You don't want to be in that funk again. Things will turn out. xoxo
from jellehbelleh :
The holidays seem to bring out the worst in everyone. Universally shitty!
from planetqueen :
oh god, it's completely sane and rational to dislike physicals.
from art-esque41 :
you should not be in that house. i kinda know how you feel cuz my bday is coming up too and i always get depressed on my birthdays. i don't want to celebrate, don't want presents, just want to be left alone to wallow in my self-pity and think about how crappy my life is. when is your birthday? mines nov 1st, the day after halloween so it's called the day of saints or something. yeah, right. xoxo
from jellehbelleh :
Look at you! Little Miss Smarty Pants! I'm so very proud of you. I just started school too and did considerably well (read my diary!) You rock, little sister!
from art-esque41 :
just wondering how you're doing. very glad you're not in new orleans. anyway drop me a line.
from jellehbelleh :
I just wanted to say hi and that I was thinking about you.
from bam-stroker :
you are never annoying, especially when everyone should know and remember just how much new orleans means to you, and how it was part of you because it was your future. and now that it will take years to put back together again, you probably feel the same way. i hope you feel better someday soon, but i think you also need time to grieve. it's a scary time for you.
from catz-eyes :
woa... a rather gruelling entry, cherub :( rest assured, i've never thought you've painted your mother as a wicked witch. in fact, you've done a terrific job of making her human; flaws and all. ***HUGGLES*** =^..^=
from bam-stroker :
you sound very tired.
from jellehbelleh :
I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're not in New Orleans right now. I remember egging you on to apply at the school and now I eat my words...although I'm not following too closely the stories and updates, I can honestly say that I'm glad you're safe. I start my first day of therapy tonight. I'm scared shitless...how do you begin to ask someone to help you fix what feels like a festering, cancerous sore? And...yes, I take back what I said about therapy...at this point, I'm willing to try anything to calm the beasts in my head. Man, we have too many parallels...I start school next week, I haven't seen my mom in ages, I hate/miss her... you're not a lone sister...Love you.
from jellehbelleh :
Wow...sorry, I've been missing out so much on what's been going on with you. I love that picture of you...you are so beautiful! Be strong...you've come so far. I know it's not easy but just know that people care about you and want to see you evolve. I believe.
from catz-eyes :
hi cherub :) good to hear that you're feeling so much better =) and must admit - nice to see your pic - it's always wonderful to be able to put a face to a name. have to say: HOW much of a stunner are you?! my giddy aunt! ;) ***HUGGLES*** =^..^=
from art-esque41 :
thank you sweetie. i just couldnt go through with it. if i had people to talk to we would probably still be broken up. but i'm not one to give up on things that i want. and i've decided that i want to go through this moving out thing with him. so that we both have support. things will definitely change then. and i guess we will just see what happens. anyway i hope things work out for you. i wouldn't know what advice to give you since things are probably very different here in canada. but i know you shouldn't give up! i had some problems when i applied for college and now i'm just starting a semester later. i'd say do that but i know you need to get away. maybe YOU should stay with your dad for a while? like until you go to school. that's what i'm doing :P. things will work out. remember that song you told me about? i like it :) xoxo
from stardustcboy :
keep fighting for what you want and what you believe in. fear should not deter you from your destiny. if you feel that you could pull through in NO on your own, then there is nothing that can stop you. do not doubt. i moved to california by myself when i was 18, i didn't know anyone here, but in my mind it was the only way and i did it without looking back. we adapt and learn ways to survive in this chaotic and hectic world. struggle and adversity only makes us stronger. i'm reading you. ~B-)
from jellehbelleh :
You know...I'm still battling with mom issues... just want you to know I really know what you're going through. I'm trying to do the "adult thing" and not buy into her guilt trips or iron-fisted influence over me by not contacting her. So far it's been 3 weeks...
from jellehbelleh :
Hang in there sweetheart...focus on yourself right now and your immidiate plans. You're doing a great job with coping I'm really proud of you.
from jellehbelleh :
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
from art-esque41 :
I'm so proud of and excited for you :D
from jellehbelleh :
Those pictures are great! I'm so happy you finally got to go! You're almost there!
from bam-stroker :
ahh that sounds like a novel or something. the like third to last paragraph, you bursting in and being in love with the world. that's so awesome. did you know i almost called you? haha when you said "my online friend called me for the first time" i was like, wait did i call her when i was drunk or something and don't remember? cause i kept almost just calling you. we'll have to do that soon, darling. i'm really happy for you. you made me a bit more excited about my own new experiences.
from jellehbelleh :
Alright! Can't wait for the pics! :D
from catz-eyes :
yay- glad to hear the trip was amazing! look forward to hearing the details ***HUGGLES*** xox's =^..^=
from bam-stroker :
i love you and i am always proud of you and i will miss you!
from jellehbelleh :
Wow, you are SO much like me. Sounds like you're spinning yourself in circles with all the worrying you're doing. Even I can't escape the clutches of myself when I over-analyze things. Maybe we were seperated at birth!
from jellehbelleh :
Yaaaaay! That's my girl!
from jellehbelleh :
Oh hun...it's okay to be afraid...and I know there are going to be people who see just how cool you really are. You'll make friends because no man is an island! Hang in there sweetie!
from catz-eyes :
woa! just saw the note you left about tom/scientology/katies.... that's full on! poor katie - feel sorry for her. the whole scientology thing sounds kinda scary and dangerous :(
from bam-stroker :
perhaps you felt so good at the concert and not at training because at the concert, you don't feel like anyone's staring at you, scrutinizing you to the last inch. but at training, you see that everyone around you seems to know what to do, that they're all going to tease you for being a rookie, that whatever you're doing just isn't working. i mean, my academic self going into manual labor thing? i'm completely lost. but it's okay to ask for help, and that's what the people at training and at college and anywhere actually want to see ... it's amusing to see rookies try to figure it all out for themselves when everyone else knows a shortcut. like try to imagine yourself in 8th grade or even 5th grade, with all the 7th and 6th and 4th and 3rd graders below you. you've done it already, you know how hard it was to do whatever, and now you can laugh. middle school is sometimes harder for people than high school because they think it's supposed to be like high school, and i know how hard it is for awkward young children to grow up, but since i went through it, it's just funny. you are feeling the same exact way that people going to college are feeling. maybe a little more extreme because you weren't in high school, getting beaten to death by the counselors and teachers about how hard everything in your life after this is. that, oh, you think this is hard? imagine COLLEGE! but it's not really true. college is a lot harder to me in my state right now because i'm merely a graduate, but once i'm in the feel of where to go and such, it will be easier. the work's still there, but you do figure out the campus. it's kind of all about feeling prepared. maybe you feel so anxious right now because you don't even know what school you're going to. but when you do find out, get a map of school, circle your classes, follow the way a few times before anyone else is there. keep the map with you. my friend was terrified of being alone the entire time he was in college so he actually went to each dorm room on the first day and introduced himself. it seems lame and like it wouldn't work, but everyone else was just as scared, and after that most of them would gravitate towards him because they were at least familiar with him. go up to people and just say, hi, i'm whitney, nice to meet you. it helps. hell, even read some of the textbooks for classes start if you're worried about people there ... but trust me, on the first day of a class everyone is quiet and listening to the teacher (except the loud mouth ass clown who loves attention, but he just likes picking on the teacher, haha), and you're all in the same boat. professors and teacher aides and upperclassmen will try to intimidate you but it's either because they 1) love being older and wiser and watching you try to work it out, or 2) they want to see you prove yourself. and you can do that, easily. you have it in you, really. i'm really dreading even my orientation right now, because i have to spend the night with other people i don't know. i could never go to camps when i was little because i've always been so terrified of the newness and not knowing anyone. but once i sort of convered up the extreme shyness with this extroverted exterior, things got easier. if i just put out there that i'm confident, the people around me back down. this really is a "major fucking ordeal" (lol) for everyone, whether it's a happy one or sad one or anxious one or free-ing one. but it gets better. and you will meet the best people ever in college, like you always tell me. i thought that i'd miss all of my high school friends immensely but i realized that i missed the comfort of them, even if i hated going every day and feeling so exhausted dealing with people. my parents are friends with their college buddies, not high school. you didn't have the same experience as the general public of children, but you'd be surpised at how many others don't ... ravin, piuliye, rhoda, my past friend annie, crystal, kate, they all had fucked up lives concerning moving around, meeting new people, starting new things, getting through therapy, getting through school. they're just as scared as you and want to be friends with you and be loved by you as much as you do with them. lover, you're ready for anything, really! you can stand on your own two feet, i know that you can. and winston churchill is one smart cookie, isn't he? i love him.
from catz-eyes :
yay! thank you cheurb! =) kept you on my buddylist regardless, and kept checking in to see if you'd unlocked your diary. just figured you wanted to keep it private - which is totally cool btw. but thank you for sending the p/w kind regards to you =^..^=
from catz-eyes :
hey cherub :) yeah, mr srise is 10% certifiable imho. do kinda feel sorry for him tho... your descrption of Wow is interesting, because Miniority Report was much the same - great for the 1st 30-40 minutes, then just awful, awful, awful! what i find amazing about 'scientology' is its total dsiregard for 'science' - which has proven that chemical imbalances are real and are responsible for a number of mood/personality disorders. btw, am way glad you left the note - emailed u along, long time ago (changed your address?) for p/w when you locked your diary but didnt get response. um, kinda thought you might not want me to have it...? anyway, regardless, hope that Life is being kind to you cherub :) =^..^=
from jellehbelleh :
psst....read me.
from jellehbelleh :
I don't know...I'm not a certified brain picker, but in my opinion, wanting to move to New Orleans and having people say "that would be too much for you" is pretty fucking dumb. They really think being close to your family is the best thing for you, then they haven't been listening to a fucking single word you've been saying! I think you should go...go and get out there! How long have you wanted to do this? How will you ever know what "you're made of" if you never fly away from the nest? But again, I could be talking out of my ass...after all, I only speak from personal experience instead of someone that could be spouting out regurigitated textbook information. Sorry for the hostility but, damn it, I think you make it. I have so much faith in you.
from jellehbelleh :
Hi, it's me the stalker :) Just kidding...wow, your sister is a piece of work. Bleh! I'm so glad you're getting outta there! Yay for Bams! Yaaaaaaay!
from stardustcboy :
heya sweetheart! it seems that my lovely wife has been pretty much speaking my mind on your notes page as of late. in any case i just wanted to leave ya a lil hello and a lil love. i also wanted you to know how proud i am of you. it brings me great pleasure to see a new sort of fearlessness emerging within your spirit. the fact that you are communicating your feelings with your mother and your sister is a great step in the right direction. when you let go of those fears then nothing, and i mean NOTHING is ever to fear. plane rides, rollercoasters, and most of all other people are all just another piece of the great puzzle. no more, no less. i'm excited about your trip to 'nawlins, and am anxiously awaiting to hear back about it when you return! as alwasy i believe in you, and have faith that this will be yet another great step in the fantastic journey that is your life. i'm reading you. ;-) ~B-)
from jellehbelleh :
Jeezus, I just realized that I leave about 80% of the notes you get here at D-Land...no, really, I'm NOT a stalker...hee hee hee...I just love ya a lot. Now where the hell are ya?!
from art-esque41 :
I was just catching up on your entries. I'm so sorry I wasn't around to talk or listen or whatever. Not like I'm much of a help or anything but when I was reading I just wanted to hug you and make it better. I so hope you're feeling better. You can email me anytime [email protected] xoxo
from jellehbelleh :
*hugs* Thinking about ya...
from jellehbelleh :
Wrote you a personal email today... Just thinking about you and hope you're feeling better.
from jellehbelleh :
So glad to hear that New Orleans is in your future. I'm glad to know that you are beginning to trust yourself and cope with life much better. It isn't easy, but the progress you have made is amazing. Just remember, what your doing with your life now and where you're going, your sister and mother could only dream of. Maybe there's a bit of resentment because now they realize that they don't have that much control over you anymore. I'm so glad for you sweetheart! Good job!
from jellehbelleh :
Neeeeeeeeeew Orleeeeeeeeeeeeeeans!
from jellehbelleh :
By the way, I FUCKING love that song on your profile...The Killers make my toes curl with excitement! Do you like My Chemical Romance? I have a giant crush on the lead singer and one of the guitarists...Frank I think his name is. MMmmmm...angstful boy bands!!!
from jellehbelleh :
I can gladly say that we are friends and there's one thing I always say about friendship; true friends don't need to baby sit a friendship to know that it is still there. You don't have to write all the time just to be a friend and trust me, I won't hold it against you. You have so much going on in your life and I understand how crazy a transitional stage can be. But I am really glad to see you finally spreading your wings and this college "thing" is actually a choice in your life! The only way you'll grow is if you explore the world and see how you adapt to it. Yes, it'll be hard but I have faith in you. You are probably the only person who has reinstilled my faith in people because you've done such a remarkable job with the shitty cards that life has given you. That makes you a hero in my eyes.
from jellehbelleh :
Don't live your life in fear or by what others expect from you. Going to New Orleans would be a great thing for you, especially because it would be living out YOUR DREAM! If you didn't go, would you resent it later on in life that you didn't take the plunge? And yes, moving far away from everything you know is terrfying, B did it when he moved from Colorado to Cali for college, but you adapt...you have to. And I'm so proud of you, Bams. You have come such a long way...I would love to hear of your adventures in New Orleans and watch you grow from each of them.
from jellehbelleh :
Alrighty, you've been gone for a bit now...don't make me come out after you, lady!
from art-esque41 :
Hi. Just wondering how's it going. Hope you're okay. I don't know what I am. It's just going.
from thiefshonour :
i am fine, by whatever stretch of the imagination, and i've got quite the imagination. i hope you are fine too, an honest sort of fine, not the kind i'm tricking myself into being. h.
from jellehbelleh :
When someone passes on, they are immortal as long as they live in your memory. Have you ever considered picking up where she left off...maybe as a tribute to her?
from bam-stroker :
aww sweetie, i am so sorry. what's weird is i used to have a friend named kris that wrote some of my favourite hanson fiction and i've been looking for it forever. i hope your kris is still here though, and that you can one day find her. and i find it so admirable and special that you like to save their writing. i always just thought to save it for me, on notepad or something, but i've never kept someone's website up. like confession. and i know how important confession is to so many people. even if kris doesn't know who you are, i bet she still felt everyone. that she had fans and she was admired. i'd love to see her website sometime. i hope you feel better.
from jellehbelleh :
Peek a boo! Guess who?! Man, I leave you alone for a few days and all hell breaks loose! Regarding college, yes, people can be assholes, but you'll find that anywhere in life. Just don't get caught up with the people who are trying to "prove" something by being jackasses. Besides, you're gonna be way too busy for all that stuff. I remember college, I joined so many clubs to keep myself busy. I met a lot of great people in the process and surrounded myself with those who had common interests. You'll do great, pumpkin! :) I have no worries about you! *smooches*
from jellehbelleh :
Just wanted to say hello to my favorite girl. I'll be back next week... Until then, take care and remember, BE THE ROCK. Love you!
from jellehbelleh :
Mom's are funny creatures, you know. We can only learn from their fuck ups and try not to make the same mistakes with our own kids in the future...the best part about growing up and moving out is that you can formulate a million excuses why you can't see your mom. The best excuse so far I have is "I'm married". :) You're doing great, sistah. *hugs*
from jellehbelleh :
Hang in there baby! Personally, I wouldn't take your sister to rehab...she got herself in that mess, she should get herself out. Man, your mom pisses me off...If it were up to me, I'd yank you outta that house so fast, her head would spin. But remember, that which does not kill you only makes you stronger.
from pouncer :
WOOHOO! Congratulations, I knew you could do it! I'm so happy for you!! : ) Good times are coming you're way...
from bam-stroker :
OHMYGOD I LOVE YOU, YOU GENIUS YOU. I AM SO HAPPY AND EXCITED FOR YOU! congratulations!! you're going to do so well! ohmygosh let's drink to this. congratulations my love!
from stardustcboy :
CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!!! aw yeah darlin'!! i KNEW it! hehehehehehe!! congratulations, we're both very proud of you, and once again, i believed in you all along. don't let these other outside forces take away from this joyous news...now begins probably one of life's greatest adventures...though i suppose all of life is an adventure...well, here begins a new, exciting and adventurous CHAPTER in your life!! how's that sound! rock on babydoll! we love you!! ~B-)
from jellehbelleh :
I always think there's a reason why D-Land "loses" entries... probably because your fate wasn't to write a negative entry but a positive one! Congrats sister! I knew you'd get in!
from herdarlinsin :
Sorry for the typos, I hope I still made some sense :P
from herdarlinsin :
Thank you for your note. It's really appreciated. It's hard for children with the way politics are forming views on people and how they should be allowed to live their lives. Some day though, I oray that we have a President that will understand and change all of that. even even if we don't I always encourage my children to be who they want to be, for themsleves. Never for anyone else. Without the acceptance of yourself, one person can never accept much from life. Learning to love themsleves for who they are is the biggest challenge, and I'm sure there will be difficult moments for them in all areas. But as long as they are happy with who they and are good people, it doesn't matter what other poeple or a conformed society things of them.
from jellehbelleh :
I'm just wanted to leave you a note because I've been thinking about you. Right now, your strength and courage are inspiration to me. If I can learn to walk away from one final, destructive relationship, I think my life will have finally closed a chapter and I can move onto the next stage in my life. I just wanted you to know that you have inspired me to put the shit behind me and move on. Thank you.
from bam-stroker :
oh i love you! i'm sorry i wasn't on earlier when all this bad stuff was happening. but look at how well you got through it all. you really are treating yourself like a best friend, and i think you're comfortable with yourself, it's just the external things now are really, really hard to deal with. i'm just so happy and proud for you that you have learned so many things in this time. i think with your excitement alone you'll be able to deal with any roommates (even satanists.). whit, we should also write more letters to each other. i know what you mean about loving to receive letters, i bet everyone does! and i've been drawing / writing a lot offline and we should send each other things. and then we can publish it as "the first years of college" and then make a sequel called "the first summer" and it'll be a travel log. haha. :] whitney, we are going to change the world!
from jellehbelleh :
Little sister, you are a rock that cannot be broken no matter how hard the storm rages around you. I'm so proud of you... I fucking cry when I read how selfish your family is. No one as beautiful as you should have to go through all that fucking bullshit. But I can know, without the shadow of a doubt that you are going to survive this and become a stronger, wiser person. I fucking love you!
from pouncer :
You are soo great, I hope you realize that. Always making me feel better, thanks for that. Cheer up, things can only go up from here right?
from jellehbelleh :
hee hee heee...California is a wicked place, I should know, I live there ;) I'm really proud of you, sugar! Look at you...all grown up...*sniff*
from jellehbelleh :
When apples are rotten on the inside (like your sister) the outside isn't far to follow. One day she'll wake up with her teeth rotted out of her head, horribly pocked skin, and an addiction she won't be able to kick. I thank god it's not you in her shoes...thank god someone in your family was born with a good set of brains!
from stardustcboy :
woohoo! congrats!! rock on babydoll! i'm proud of you. ~B-)
from pouncer :
Good luck bammy! I'm so excited for you :)
from jellehbelleh :
Art school baby! You're too brilliant to be muted at that other school. Thanks too, for leaving me that sweet note. Glad I have people like you to vent to. I just posted another entry about my first step in divorcing Eyeore, I'm quite proud! It's amazing how hard it is to take inventory of the people in your life and see if they are even worth your time anymore. I guess that's just something you do as you grow and evolve to the next stage in your life. I just wish I didn't feel so damn guilty, that's the only thing I'm battling with. I feel like I'm being forced to be a bitch, ya know? Love you lots and...GOT TO ART SCHOOL!
from stardustcboy :
chester...it is your destiny... i'm reading you. ~B-)
from krugerpak007 :
As soon as I am at home, and have e-mail again I will send you the details! xoxox Kathy
from pouncer :
Speaking from experience, YOU MUST GO TO COLLEGE. I remember being scared of leaving everything behind, I left all my friends and my boyfriend I was so in love with, but ultimately it was Exactly what I needed to find my own identity and my own happiness. College was the best years of my life, you discover so much about yourself, without your family holding you back. Don't wait any longer, go now as soon as you can and start your new life. Not only will the classes you take teach you how to deal with your past, but I think going somewhere you love and making new friends will be great for you. hugs for you too : )
from art-esque41 :
Battle of the bands was awesome. They won :) and are moving on to the next round. Justin played my song for me and one of his friends lifted me on his shoulders so that I was practically right in front of Justin. It was awesome, but he didn't kiss me once he was done (everyone was like "you're supposed to kiss her!":P Too much equipment to get by. It was fun though. I'm excited for the next round, but its on the weekend of grad! so I might not be allowed to go :S. I hope it works out. Anyhoo my cat is lost in a blanket, I have to go save him. xoxo bye dear.
from jellehbelleh :
It's amazing how much you and are so similar. Perhaps you're my inner child that is so bruised that draws me to want to heal you. I lived your life, my sweet, from your father spying on your mother, to the fucked up boyfriends she's had that you've had to put up with. The one thing I hope you can see is that part of your life should only make you stronger. I had my feet scalded with 3rd degree burns when I was two by my real father, I given up for adoption by my own mother at 14, and left to decide which way my life was going to be. It's a scary thing when you're so young. But I've found you, and I see so much of myself in you that I won't give up on you the way you feel your family has. You are a remarkable woman, Bams. You've come this far and I want to see you go even further! Show me your fire, sweetheart! Let it shine so bright that those who forsake you burn when they try to look at you. I love you, little sister. I really do.
from stardustcboy :
there are no garauntees in life. you won't know how you'll react or what will happen until you are there, in that moment. you have to rely on your wits and your intuition to guide you. part of living is the threat of dying. that tomorrow you may not be here. that is why we live and love, seek answers, create things...it is the danger that drives us ever-onward, towards greater things. without it we are without form or function. it is the pain of our years that, like the great iron and anvil of the heavens, forges us into a shape and gives us purpose of will. it is the water of life that quenches these fires to temper us so that we are not brittle. it is not necessarily the joy and sorrow alone that collectively define us, but rather, how we react to each...and what we CHOOSE to do with either of them. you are the sum of your parts, by erasing your history, your memory, you would not be able to learn from what has passed, you would not be able to evolve beyond the patterns of behavior set forth by others, or worse, created by your own self. yet here you are, working through it...growing, changing, evolving. you cannot escape the inevitable expansion of your own consciousness, just as you cannot escape what history may lay behind you on your path. you do with it as you see fit. it is within your power...and the fear is merely an illusion of your own mind. i'm reading you. ~B-)
from pouncer :
That entry about your horse was so sad. I'm sorry you had to do that, but he's better now, no more pain. You're very brave.
from bam-stroker :
your dad put the essays in his profile? THAT IS TOO FUNNY. whitney, you sound so great right now. i love you ! and thank you so much for mentioning berkeley, i'm so thankful you're so excited about it!
from jellehbelleh :
Wow. Reading your entry today was amazing. I can't believe just a few months ago you were a totally different person. It's amazing to watch you grow. I think you're doing a fantastic job and am SUPER proud of you, sistah! Keep it up, sweet cheeks!
from art-esque41 :
just checking up. hope you're doing good. hope you stay at diaryland. pleeeeease. don't leave me! ;)
from jellehbelleh :
Wow, it's been a while since I've dropped you a note. Sorry I've been a lagger, I really have no excuse. D-land was giving me some shit with my diary too until B fixed it AND bought me a Gold Membership. Anyhow, I just wanted to say hello and give you some cyber kisses! *smoochy*
from herdarlinsin :
Nope. No passwords here, m'dear.
from herdarlinsin :
How long have you had me added to your buddy list? I swear im fucking retarded lol
from finalscore :
sweetiepiehoneybunch! there is every reason for every single one of your entries. your life will go down the carefree path because i believe it will. i love you!
from jellehbelleh :
You sound like the rock of the family, even though you feel you're falling apart on the inside. That's a big responsibilit to take on, and I understand the weight you feel because I used to do the same thing until recently. Hang in there honey, and know you are not responsible for your family's decisions or actions. I know it's easier said than done, but you've come a long way baby! Don't stop now :)
from jellehbelleh :
Holy cow!
from jellehbelleh :
Yes, death is a part of life, but you're too young to be worried about that now, sugar! Don't let your fear rule you!
from jellehbelleh :
Sweetness...glad to hear you're doing better. Thanks for the get well note. You're a doll!
from thiefshonour :
i've been sort of arranging my 'folio in my head, but haven't made any concrete steps toward doing it. i'll probably start on in this summer though. i'm sorry you didn't make it to your class - is it just about how to put together your portfolio? that'd be interesting to go to. just don't stress about it, it'll really only make things worse if you lose your head, my friend. <3
from thiefshonour :
to answer your question, my 1st choice school wants my portfolio to contain: visual submission- video, photographs, or slides (can only choose one of the three to submit.) and written submissions: story synopsis for a four-minute silent film (visual story line and characters, but no voice-over, dialogue, or music), a dialogue scene between two people (a one-paragraph introduction identifying the background and personality traits of the characters, typed screenplay format, max. of two pages), and a description of one concept for a feature-length script, narrative, or documentary that you would like to develop. looks sort of daunting, doesn't it? heh.
from thiefshonour :
ah. portfolios. i'm excited about getting my stuff together to send in. i hope you're not getting too anxious. (& feel free to PM me anytime. <3)
from jellehbelleh :
I found my old writings from when I was 16 to about 20... they reminded me of you so I wrote about it. Hope you're doing well, you're in my thoughts.
from toocareless :
you'll blow the sat's out of the water! especially the written portion - you have such amazing creative writing talent. im sorry about what happened with me...i just lost it. i think things will be okay. i love you, sweetness, and thank you for everything you've ever done for me!! <3
from stardustcboy :
you can never lose with lots of life drawings. when i applied to CALARTS all they wanted to see were studies from life. so i sat in front of a mirror and made faces and drew self-portraits. i drew my hands in all sorts of tweaked out poses; and i went to fitness centers (Bally's Fitness) and sketched people working through their aerobics routines. i also had friends sit and do poses for me so that i could draw them. knowledge and understanding of human anatomy is important to any artist, because to master the mechanics of our own biological systems is something that, as an artist, you will be doing for the rest of your life. you have a great start with the finished paintings that i've seen so far, but again, be sure to include a lot of studies on top of those! i'm reading you! ~B-)
from thiefshonour :
i'm afraid of the new SAT too. but don't worry, i'm sure we'll both do really well.
from thiefshonour :
i can definately relate to you about panic attacks. mine are so fucking severe. what helps for me is to try to find out why i'm having an attack at a certain time. it's difficult (for me, at least); but i know you can do it. <3
from jellehbelleh :
Just out of curiosity, and by no means intended as an offense, have you ever spoken to a counselor regarding your panic attacks?
from stardustcboy :
good to hear you got a clean bill of health! like i said before, it's pretty amazing the power our mind has over our body. instead of imagining all the things that might be wrong with you, perhaps try to imagine yourself healing or feeling better. envision a purer state of being and take deep breaths...in through the nose...out through the mouth. iiiin...ooooout...find a mantra, something to repeat to yourself as you breath. something like "i feel healthier, each breath cleanses my mind and body" or something like that. focus on your breathing and on relaxing your body...your mind will follow and the anxiety will slowly dissolve. i'm reading you. ~B-)
from stardustcboy :
the last image...Morpheus...it struck me. like the dark room in the image is your mind with a single window letting light in to its dark confines. indeed! climb through the window of your mind into the vast, limitless, and lighted spaces beyond! i'm reading you. ~B-)
from jellehbelleh :
OMG! You had me laughing so hard with that article about Castro. You have no idea how much that brightened my day. I work for a Mid-Western Republican who thinks Bush is the bees knees. Yesterday he almost made me go postal (if you read my last entry you'll see why) because he says, "For every one solider we should kill ten of them (Iraqies)". I nearly lost my shit on him! Anyhow, great to hear you can breathe, you poor thing. B's allergies have been acting up too. The poor guy can't stop sneezing and his "node is all stubby". Just wanted to say I've been thinking of you! Smooches!
from naked-time :
Hey hun. Just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing. I haven't seen you on AIM in a few days, but I'm always thinking about you. I miss you. Come back, Santo. ;)
from jellehbelleh :
Just read your entry...I'm so proud of you. THAT'S MY GIRL!!! Keep up the great work, sister! There's no limit to your potential, I can't wait to see what else you tackle in life. I had to jump online to leave you a note because the song "Yellow" by Coldplay came on and I wanted to dedicate it to you. "You're somthing beautiful...for you I'd bleed myself dry..."
from stardustcboy :
woohoo! we're so proud of you sweetheart! i told you you kick lots of ass! ;-) i never got very good math or science scores on my SATs and stuff either, and JeLLy says that your scores are almost completely identical to hers when she took the GED! sorry to hear about your attack, but when you think about it, if your mind has that sort of subconscious power over your body - just think of what you could achieve if you could consciously harness that power! wow! i would suggest learning meditation techniques...learning ways to clear you mind, breathe deep, seek peace...you will learn to tap into the great energies that lie deep within you with enough time and contemplation. i'll do a little research and perhaps send you some books on meditation techniques...until then baby, take the good with the bad, and know always that we are here and we believe in you and love you, as your friends always! ~B-)
from jellehbelleh :
A POEM FROM ME TO YOU... And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship." Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace. When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay." And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit. For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught. And let your best be for your friend. If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live. For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness. And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed. - By Khalil Gibran
from stardustcboy :
heya darlin'!! good to hear you're having a good day. remember it's the good ones that help you live through the lousy ones. comes and goes, ya know? savannah college of art is good, i know a couple people who graduated from there. as an artist, anywhere you go to learn is good. we love you to! i'm reading you. ~B-)
from jellehbelleh :
Good job! Stay focused, you're on the right track!
from jellehbelleh :
I looked out at the pretty blue sky and felt the suns rays run down my back... that's when I thought of you. We're still here...
from stardustcboy :
don't leave me for too long love. i'll miss ya! and i'm always on MSN IM if you want to chat or say hello. no matter, i'm with you...and i still believe in you sweetheart. ~B-)
from jellehbelleh :
*hug* Your still young enough to pursue any dream you may have long ago.
from bam-stroker :
i'm sorry i never made the eating disorder easier for you. i think that i read about so many people and they're all so alike that when i actually get a friend who is like them too, i don't see it the way i should. but, i have seen you get better and worse and better and worse, and i really think this year will have more better's for you. i KNOW you're going to get out one day soon. i love you!
from jellehbelleh :
For the budding artist that you are, draw some inspiration from this website: www.conceptart.org. StardustCboy posts some of his stuff on this site. There are artists from all levels of skill and all walks of life here.
from jellehbelleh :
Knowing you and watching you grow is an honor. Being young is so terrifying and you shouldn't have to feel so alone. Just think of me as your big sister...*hugs*
from livingwreck :
I'd love to see your photos. I sent you an email earlier so please email me the link. If you want to, of course.
from jellehbelleh :
I'm so pissy. I need a hug.
from art-esque41 :
Believe it or not I totally understand how you feel. It's a horrible feeling that I don't think I'd be able to describe but you laid it out for me. After fighting with Justin I always want to call somebody, but there's no one I can talk to. And that makes me feel so incredibly depressed it's unreal. I also fantacize about being whisked away even if it is by an abuser. At least it would be away, right? It would be new, fresh, something different. You want to be sad because it's the only thing that's always been there. God do I ever no how you feel, even though I'm not in the same situation as you. If I lived near you I would call you all the time and take you out, away from the chaos. I wish I could be next to you Whit, but for now all always be in the computer for you ;). Hang in there(like the kitty on the poster :P) xoxo
from jellehbelleh :
Let us not look back in anger nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. - James Thurber Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born. - Dale E. Turner
from stardustcboy :
it is also a life that you are changing my love. i'm here and if you really desired i would give you my phone number so that you could call when you need. so you've been exposed? so they now know at least a little of what you have held inside for so long...of course they're mad!! of course they're hurt! but they hurt and are angry because it rings SO true. so true that they dare not face it, for the blame and responsibility is all their own...the same responsibility they hide from in the bottom of a bottle, or at the end of a rail of coke or speed or whatever else. you my love have been hiding, and your heart and your soul YEARN to be free! you fight, and this is good, becuase it means you still have the WILL to live! so let them grow angry...let them do whatever they wish...expose you, scold you, scorn you, revile you. it IS your diary...it IS your heart...it IS the truth...the only place in which you could say it that it would not fall on deaf ears. the only place that you could show it where it would not fall before blind and deluded eyes. stay strong love...for with the changes come the great pains...but you and i know both know about pain, it is something we are no strangers to. it is as real as it gets, and as long as you feel it, you know you are alive. don't give up and keep shaping your life as you see fit. your eyes are wide open now.... i'm reading you. ~B-)
from jellehbelleh :
http://www.calarts.edu/ Stardustcboy and I live very close to this school. If you came here, we'd be able to hang out. Where there's a will, there's a way.
from jellehbelleh :
Thank you for your kind words and support... *hugs*
from jellehbelleh :
You are a goddess among women. Your heart and soul are proof of that. I am excited to watch you grow. All though I am miles away, I will always be here... I will not give up on you. 2005...maybe a year of struggle but make it a year of growth.
from jellehbelleh :
You are truly a beautiful girl with an abundance of talent. I saw the pictures you painted and they are AMAZING. You should really do something with all that talent...ever considered going to Cal Arts? Have a wonderful New Year...
from stardustcboy :
seems that times are going a bit tough. i'm still here darlin'. again, i can't do anything to save you from yourself...only you have that power; but perhaps your inability to finish any given task/project/goal stems from an innate fear of failure? perhaps you fear failing so much that you sabotage yourself. is it easier to give up than to fail? i suppose that these are questions only you can answer...in any case, remember that you're only human and perfection is merely a construct of the human mind. also remember that life is like a great big apple tree...if you wait for the fruit to fall to you then it will be worm-eaten and over-ripe; but in order to taste the most succulent and delicious of its fruit, you must climb in order to pluck it from its branches...if you fall in pursuit of your goal, then you merely climb again.... i'm here with you, and i'd love to see your photos, so send me the link when you get the chance...and go see your dad, it may be good for you... love ~B-)
from jellehbelleh :
You really remind me so much of myself when I was younger...be strong, StardustCboy and I love you.
from bam-stroker :
how do you know the reactions your body is supposed to have? i don't get that. i'm not saying it in a "i don't have an ED so i obviously can't understand" way, either. with your body feeling so fucked and abused, how can you tell where the food's gone? or how do you know how sped up your metabolism is, and how much activity you didn't have? and why would you start losing weight really quickly if you get healthy and eat more? i don't think these questions are going to make sense, even if people think they do. so, nevermind. i hope you feel better.
from jellehbelleh :
I was thinking about you today...just wanted to say hi and hang in there, sweetie :) *smooch*
from toocareless :
i made a reference to that song just the other day. how great. <3
from vikingmaiden :
I just read your note on naked-time. I hope you didn't leave it like 3847 days ago, haha. I totally understand everything that you said. I sort of thought that you felt that way about the ED. I had the feeling you were protective of it and thinking maybe that I played "follower". Fuck, I didn't sign into naked-time so this note is so editted, haha. I hope you get on AIM soon and we'll talk. I really do understand your reluctance to open up to people. When it comes to "real-life situation" I'm the same way. I don't want to talk feelings or tell people how it really is. I don't know if it's because of the unique way that we became friends or because we never met face-to-face or what, but I havn't felt like I needed to close myself off to you in a long time. When I was going through "that thing" recently (you know) I wasn't talking to anyone and so yeah, I wasn't really talking to you, either. I guess I'm getting better with that... but no, not really. I guess we could talk about that later, too. I sort of don't want to talk about it with you because I know you're trying to recover and I don't want to be an impetus? I think you genuinely want to get better and you're headed in the right direction - I'm just not there. I don't know if I want to "get better" right now. I'm always saying to myself, "Just a little more, then I'll stop." But it's never enough. I'm never enough. I'm sure you get that. Lalala... love you hun. We'll talk later. Thanks for saving LFF, by the way ;). <3333 OMG TTYL LYLAS "i wAnT 2 FuuuCk DyLaN iN tHe CeMaTeReEeEeE" hahaha ;)
from vikingmaiden :
Though I don't have the password to this diay, I check the bottom of your profile to make sure you're still updating; that way, I know you're still communicating something to someone. Thank god. Happy birthday, Whit. I really hope 17 brings you something worth remembering. Something we can laugh about in Egypt someday. Or NH. Or Philly. It doesn't matter to me.
from vikingmaiden :
Yahoo is threatening to close down LFF. What do I do? I can't let it happen - it's part of us, lame as it may be. I want that all back. The simplicity. I miss you. Everything is forced these days. Pettiness. I want to come to your house and hang out with you, knowing that you know me when no one else really does or ever has and I've... never even met you. You probably think I never think about you. I swear on everything that I am: I think about you EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. Every day. I swear. Every fucking lonely wasted day, and I wonder what you're doing and if you're okay. I feel like I let you down the way I've never let anyone down. In the worst way. And I didn't even know I was doing it at the time. And now I feel like I've broken a bone that can't mend. Does this make sense to you? Leave me a note or an email or IM me or something. Or not, is you can't, if it's too empty and you've moved on. If you're okay, please let me know. I'll think the worst of your silence. And finally, though it makes no sense to most people, I love you as though you were the only member of my family who matters. You, the sister I never had.
from toocareless :
congrats on the pre-test! i know we dont talk much anymore, but i think about you all the time. my aim name has been hacked, so i need yours again...and my new one is divorcecontrol [god, i miss that layout. might have to bring it back] life is good. there's a boy who is boyfriend potential. =0) everything else is normal...kinda sucky, but not too shitty. im off to bed now. i love you, sweetness!! <3
from bam-stroker :
haha, that almost doesn't seem fair! i miss you dearie.
from stardustcboy :
i read the whole thing darlin'...i always do. listen, you're making your way. it has to come in small steps. as i said before, change doesn't happen overnight; and as you said, there is a lot for you to come to terms with in your life. it's a process. i think wisdom comes from the revelation that your family, that your parents and siblings and relatives, and anyone else's family-parents-relatives are only human...just as prone to doing dumb shit as you or me or anyone else. everyone has the propensity for greatness just as they have the propensity for shittiness too; whichever they are or whichever they become YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT IT IS THEIR DECISIONS ALONE THAT GOT THEM THERE. you can't shoulder the burdens of their own mistakes and misgivings. you can't take these things with you because they aren't really your own. look how they weigh upon you. we're all flawed, we all can do better...me, you, your mom, the president. no one is perfect, and no one is normal. both of these ideas are illusions. i say, get out of the house, see your dad and his side of the family. maybe...just maybe...you may find someone you can connect with there...maybe they have a lot of love to give you. you never know. but don't be surprised if they don't. in the end you can say you tried...and if anything...it gets you away from your mom and sister for a while... i'm still here for you, i made a promise and i'll never give up on you. it's okay to be scared and confused. i'm reading you. ~B-)
from jellehbelleh :
When are you going to change your profile? It doesn't fit the person you've become :)
from livingwreck :
Happy Birthday. Hope this year is a great one for you.
from bam-stroker :
even though i said it on the 17th, and as much as i could on the 18th, and then a bit into the 19th, happy birthday. i love you!
from fairygodmum :
Yes, I have the Solara 11:11 book which shows them at Stone Henge during the harmonic convergence. Also when the planets lined up beginning the Age of Aquarius. If you see any more links.. be sure to let me know. Thanks, Bebe, da FairyGodMum
from jellehbelleh :
A little birdy told me you were having a birthday. In case you're wondering, I'm stardustcboy's wife. I just want to tell you that I'm very proud of the accomplishments you've made over the past few weeks. I must say that I am very excited to hear more about your progression. YOU ROCK!
from stardustcboy :
i can't tell you how proud i am of you. you're doing great! keep it goin' darlin'. your nails are like a reflection of your inner being...stronger, healthier. you are beginning to unify your mind and body. i'm also proud that you're beginning to say what you feel and fee what you say. honesty is never bad, and there is no such thing as too much of it. honesty and truth are tough, because a lot of the time people don't want to face the truth. but truth is what you seek in your life and being honest with yourself first, and with others second, is the surest path to that truth. of course there are ways of being diplomatic and stating things without hurting; but what is most important right now is that you are beginning to connect with your feelings and COMMUNICATE them!! YaY!! i'm wishing you a VERY happy birthday! this marks the beginning of a very good year for you, and i'll be with you every step of the way! i'm reading you. ~B-)
from tree-museum :
i turn seventeen in two months. who's counting? at any rate, i wish you a happy birthday, or at least semblance to a happiness that you deserve. <3 h
from stardustcboy :
don't you worry about payback darlin'. your growth will be worthwhile enough. i'm glad you are on your way and that is contentment. just be sure to one day use that sunshine to brighten another's stormy skies. the greatest of things start small. BE the example, do not follow. i'm reading you. ~B-)
from stardustcboy :
well, you always got a sympathetic ear over this way. i suppose i just wanted to let you know that i see value in you, even though sometimes maybe you don't; and i still see your life as meaningful, even if sometimes you feel you have lost your meaning. we all go through shit, ya know? just don't ever feel like you're alone because i for one am always willing to listen. i'm reading you. ~B-)
from stardustcboy :
in some ways yes. i'm reading you. ~B-)
from jelybeanie32 :
Thank you. I'm glad someone doesn't think i'm "too liberal" because of them
from bam-stroker :
i ended up crying today, about kerry losing. it's just these thoughts of, what have we done? am i missing something great about him that other people see? how can people still vote for him? blah.
from stardustcboy :
i'm missin' your entries. may i have the key to your mind? i hope everything is going well and that you're survivin'...it's all we can do really. thinking of you. ~B-)
from art-esque41 :
[email protected] add me to your contacts or somethin :P
from livingwreck :
Just wanted to say hi. Thinking of you.
from bam-stroker :
you're good enough for the school. and if not that one, there's plenty of others that would love to have you. trust me!
from vikingmaiden :
Oh I see what you mean. I thought you meant she literally dissapeared, and that freaked out/excited me. I hope you feel better!! I feel better today and haven't gotten the flu yet, as I do every year. I know how much you hate to be sick so just try to take care of yourself for right now and then go back to your old ways if you want to at a later time ;). Love you. Love also how I encourage this shit as if it's normal. Ah. Haha. Ha.
from naked-time :
What do you mean, she dissapeared? She went missing? Or she died? I'm curious. Hun, I know you're concerned but I'm pounds and pounds away from being underweight. Thanks for stopping by, anyway. I know about that one time you got sick in your shrink's office. Have you gotten sick since then? I don't read your diary so I don't know. Love you.
from iamhubpluh :
If you are voting AGAINST Bush, check out http://BADNARIK.com he is for 100% EQUALITY right for the Gay/Lesbian community as well as for stoping the war in Iraq, and NOT sending more troops as Kerry is for (based on his debate answers). Vote your heart, not the less of two evils!
from art-esque41 :
password please :)
from naked-time :
Hey! Thanks for the note sweety :). I know what you mean about your entries. Even though I'm a lot more open at naked-time, I still have this hand-written diary that's really a "tell all" type thing, that way, no one sees it ;). I think if you're starting to feel embarrased about telling the truth in your own diary, you should definately go someplace unknown. I was sort of thinking about locking naked-time when I gave you the URL, but like... I don't know, fuck it, you're allowed to know. I know you're not going to like email my friends from school and tell them to tell my father or... whatever, you know what I mean. You're safe. And I think you probably understand where I'm coming from, just like always. ... I'VE LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT WHIT. Seriously. But it's like... the scale says one thing, then I sort of 'predict' in my head what I'm going to look like in the mirror, and I really see no change. *shrug*. I don't care, haha, it's about NUMBERS. :):):) Take care as best you can and for the love of GOD, stay away from laxatives! THEY ARE THE DEVIL!!!!!!! Love you always. :)
from livingwreck :
Um, any chance you can email the password to me? Thanks
from bam-stroker :
SERIOUSLY. they were all arguing today. sarah and my TEACHER fought with me today ... sarah said she's republican because they / she believe in "high values and morals." what the hell? i don't have values and morals because i'm not a republican? when did that happen? and then my journalism teacher kept asking why i didn't like bush and i said i didn't want to get into it and he kept saying, "just one example," and i mentioned the federal ban on gay marriage and he was like, "and that's a bad thing?" "jesus clearly defined what SIN was." guhh it left me so frustrated all day.
from pouncer :
Bam! Thank you soo much for the sweet note, it really cheered me up. Just the thought of someone reading my jumbled up words & making sense of it all makes me feel better. You're so cool ;). I already got things worked out kinda, it's just hard to realize things about yourself you know? I know I'm not perfect, but I already have self esteem issues as it is. I don't need the person I'm totally in love with to point them all out and be talking to his friends about it neither. Oh WELL, cest la freaking vie! kisses right back to ya mauh!
from quiet-soma :
awwww...thank you! *hugs*
from catz-eyes :
hiya cherub. in your latest entry you said something like 'we are all at war with ourselves' (or words to that effect). there are no winners in war sweetpea. it'd be wonderful to see you make a truce and enjoy living in Peace Time. thinking of you ***HUGGLES*** =^..^=
from art-esque41 :
Even though you're approaching/portraying your entries or thoughts in a different way, i TOTALLY understand. It's like - EXACTLY! That's what I'm talking about :P. You know. And I love you for that.
from krugerpak007 :
I hope you have a nice weekend and start feeling better. I wish I had something witty to say, to make you feel better straight away. Take care. xoxox Kathy
from quiet-soma :
hey =) i just added you to my faves, i love your diary! xxx
from blondeness :
I don't know if you received the same email, but I heard from her. She's fine. She said things have just been a mess there and all. So we can all breath a sigh of relief now...:)
from blondeness :
bamstroker, do you mean Rhi? If that is who you are talking about, I am worried myself to be honest. I have not heard from her either. I emailed her just to check if she is alright and did not receive a reply yet. That was last week. Maybe her internet is just down or something? That's the only way I communicate with her. Please let me know if you hear from her? Thank you...
from bam-stroker :
aww that was a really good one. i can see why just watching a movie with your mom and ditty would be nice ... well, it just sounds nice. i liked everything else about the entry too. i love you!
from stardustcboy :
thank you for the note! feel free to hit me up on chat anytime or e-mail me...i'm reading you! ~B-)
from krugerpak007 :
Thank you for your note. And for adding me. I am at work and a bit rushed so I only managed to read your very latest entry. I can relate. Hang in there, and feel good. I promise to be back to read more. Best wishes! xoxo Kathy
from bam-stroker :
i'm so glad you're doing better. and i hope that it won't end up like when you started school ... remember how well you were doing, and then you seemed to crash? that feeling that things are too right, too good, i think consumed you, in a way. i think a lot of the "i'm glad you're doing better!" notes even hurt ... and i think you know what i mean? we talked about it once. it's just, i know the eating disorder is still there and that you're tired and burnt out and wanting to run away, so i'm not going to think, "she's better, we don't have to worry anymore." do you get what i mean? ah. i just don't want you to think any of us will stop hanging on your words and forget you, and that we understand nothing's always completely right, like it seems to be with that other girl in your trio, haha. we love you and still worry and care for you, even if you seem to be doing a lot better than before. you worded it well in that FREAKING HUGE note, that you went through an intense self-destructive phase and it's lessening a bit now. and hopefully we can work together to get it to a perfect spot for you. i love you! have a good day at work.
from catz-eyes :
hiya cherub :) thank you *so* much for the note and the too kind comments about the diary. am not good at taking compliments, but for you i'll make an exception ;) can't believe you went on a 'catz-eyes bender' and read so many entries! you poor thing! hehehehe ;) but most importantly, am pleased to read in today's entry that you're doing a little better. a little better day by day cherub - that's all we need to become whole again. ***HUGGLES*** =^..^=
from luvcoffee84 :
Hey there! glad ur still here. I just wanted to say I think its really great you have a job and stuff. I have no job and it really sucks. I am coming out with my first novel soon though. So I'll keep you posted. *HUGS* Hang in there!
from catz-eyes :
woa... you've been going thru some real scary, tough stuff cherub! am thinking of you... hoping that Life starts treating you a lot more kindly. =^..^=
from angellivia :
Hey, thanks for letting me know where you're at. I'm not at all offended you didn't let me know, I'm just glad you actually still want me to read... and of course I will continue to read! I hope you're doing ok, and I'm here any time you need me. Liv xx
from luvcoffee84 :
HEY I agree people can really suck! I don't blame you for wanting to be alone. Sending you all my best wish's!! Livy
from bam-stroker :
hello dear. i'm home, and cally's okay, and i hope you're okay. i love you, and even if i'm not the perfect one to go to, i will always listen to you. i'll see you later!
from stardustcboy :
hello from california. i'm sort of a silent reader here. you joined one of my rings a while back and i've been droppin' in every now and again to check on you. i want you to know that even though i'm a total stranger on the other side of the planet...i believe in you. i believe that you'll find your way. i don't think you're evil or fucked up or an idiot or anything. to me you're human like everyone else, and i just wanted to let you know that despite being a complete stranger, my thoughts are with you...and...well...that i believe in you. don't know if that helps all that much, sometimes life can get really dark...i've been to some of those places...the dark ones. so, well, if you ever want to just reach out and say hello...i'll be around, and i promise i will listen without saying a word. sometimes that's all we need, right? someone to listen? someone who believes? i'm reading you...take care ~B-)
from luvcoffee84 :
Hey just read ur latest entry. Sorry to hear about ur fast. I have done that so many times myself during a fast. hang in there. I know everyone always says that... Sometimes when I'm on a fast it helps if I stay out all day at like the mall or chapters... but when I get home at night I sometimes end up eating... just less than what I would have eaten had I been home all day. I have not been doing well with my binging habits lately. I'm so afraid to look at the scale. I know I'm going to be so fat! So the endless strugle continues... Glad someone understands. xoxo
from bam-stroker :
what you are doing is not art. the paintings you used to make with your own hands -- that was art.
from fairygodmum :
My friend told me her ex just shot her dog cause he was old and sick. How Pitiful.. I thought as I cried for a dog I didn't even know... I hope that your puppy is better soon and that your mother wakes up out of her dream. What a beautiful young lady you are! Hugz, da FairyGodMum
from krugerpak007 :
Gosh, I am so sorry that you are going through all this. Your mom been unwell etc. I can only imagine how difficult that must be for you. You must be very strong to carry on like that. I wish I knew what to say to make a difference. I hope things look up for you. How is the dog doing? xox Kathy
from krugerpak007 :
Shame, maybe you can find a new therapist? I hope you feel better though. Take care. xoxo Kathy
from luvcoffee84 :
Hi I'm probubly gonna fast for a week to lose 8 more pounds. 8 more pounds and I'm thin, 8 more pounds and I win. I can relate to the whole bing thing you were talkin about. My parents are Italian and our whole life revolves around food. Sometimes its just so hard when its right in your face. Hang in there hun. byes
from krugerpak007 :
Your entry made me so sad. I am sorry you are going through such a bad time. Would your therapist not make you feel better? Please take care and feel better. Kathy
from laurelote :
Hello. Thanks for joining the From Hell diaryring.
from luvcoffee84 :
Hi ur so sweet. I felt so much better from reading ur message. I'm back on track now and I'm trying to be a little less strict by letting myself have more juice. It really helps with dizziness and my metabolisim. My favorate is apple juice: juice 3 apples and 1 ounce of ginger in a juicer. Its sooo yummy. If you know of any juicing recipes you've tried send them my way and I'll try them. Your support means so much to me. P.S. love your diary too. I'm adding you to my favorate diary's. *hugs*
from al-bal :
hi, nice to meet you too! I'm ok, thanx!
from al-bal :
HI!!
from bam-stroker :
how did it go? talking with your mother?
from bam-stroker :
um, i pressed the button too many times, i must have gotten overexcited. i hang my head in shame.
from bam-stroker :
hi dearest! i read everything and of course i wanted to hear it all. i'm really sorry it was such an awful trip. maybe you gained so much weight because of the metabolism thing, remember you told me? that when i forget to eat i'm messing everything up. you ate normally on the trip, maybe your body didn't know how to handle it now. and for some reason people tend to gain weight while on vacation, haha. they want to live it up and all. i hope you get to see barbara tomorrow. i love you!
from bam-stroker :
hi dearest! i read everything and of course i wanted to hear it all. i'm really sorry it was such an awful trip. maybe you gained so much weight because of the metabolism thing, remember you told me? that when i forget to eat i'm messing everything up. you ate normally on the trip, maybe your body didn't know how to handle it now. and for some reason people tend to gain weight while on vacation, haha. they want to live it up and all. i hope you get to see barbara tomorrow. i love you!
from snow666white :
HEY!! awesome diary <3 i need sleep nitie nite :)
from luvcoffee84 :
Hey! Thanks for your note it was so sweet. I love angelina jolie too... I'm sorry about your mom. peace!
from pouncer :
What up Bam? You left me a note under a different name, rousylousy or somethin, so I was a bit confused, it's probably another diary you keep. Anyways I haven't taken Prozac personally, but I have an aunt that went CRAZy off of that shit, she's in a mental ward right now cuz of it, and her daughter, my cousin, is living with us now. It's very sad, she would actually hallucinate off of it and chase her kids around with a knife. That was what happened when they first turned her in, then I found out just recently from my cousin, that another time she put a bag over her head when she was sleeping. My poor sweet lil innocent cousin woke up to her mom trying to kill her. Yup! So I wish you would maybe smoke pot instead of taking those pills, I just don't want anything bad to happen to you. YOu seem nice! Sorry for the depressing note.
from bam-stroker :
yeah, your situation makes sense. i mean, a lot of them do. i always thought you were really different though, because you've been to so many different schools, and have had therapy and been on zoloft already, and you've just been through a lot of different things that most of these girls have. most of us are so lucky to have such a stable education -- yours is different, but mine, it's straight through. and i think for you to go to west was a shock, with the people there, and being so used to being more alone? that's why i really wanted to stress the point that i wasn't angry or frustrated with you. it's just like, everyone else. and then i also realize how many different situations it arises from. i am completely unhappy with my body, and i have always been. i was a late bloomer too in the sense that i never got really into makeup and clothes and hair. i've just sort of coasted it all. and i was actually more guy crazy when i was young -- i went through puberty and growing up a lot faster and a lot sooner than most of my friends. and that's totally independent of any experiences we've been through. it was just my chemistry, i guess. so i've always been through it already? and i mean, that has to give me a sort of bias towards everyone else, although it is not prominent and i am always trying to overcome it. i really try to see the root of people, and i can easily still like a girl who has anorexia, of course! i can hear her situation and understand it. it's just the glorifying of it all, the showing others how to kill themselves. most people wouldn't agree with that as an upstanding moral code, you know? i hate how everyone embellishes in their pain, thus drawing in other people. and then i hate the people who are drawn in, and want to cut or drink or smoke or stop eating because they like the image it has. it's part of them to have that flaw, i know, but i am just so frustrated with it. it's just like people against gay marriage, for an analogy -- i know they were brought up to go against it, but i cannot stand what they say for their arguments. it's just the natural conflict, i guess.
from pouncer :
Hello Bam! I leaving you a note and you didn't evan sign up for any diaryrings with me. I just wanted to tell you that I like what you write, and that you should stay away from Prozac, that stuff makes you go CRAZY! peace out
from thecrankyone :
Welcome to the I like Spike Diaryring. I hope things start getting better for you soon.
from bam-stroker :
this won't really help, i know -- saying you're not fat, you do things very well, you're pretty. but i think it would be more harmful to never hear those things in your life, right? would they understand if you told them that you need to just be left alone for a while, and why you feel you need that? or would that not work out for you? i think it's difficult to say something as a friend right now, because i don't want to cage you as well, but i can't say, "starve yourself now." i hope you understand that! and i know you do. but you're amazing, dearest. i saw some of your paintings ... i loved them! and you always impressed me. you're not much younger than me, i know, but the things you know and the way you act has always impressed me. i love you!! :D
from stardustcboy :
thank you for joining...remember...don't talk about it. ~B-)
from raschel :
Welcome to the Ocean-Diaryring. Thanks for joining!
from catz-eyes :
woa... you've been busy! you've joined another ring?! thanks for joining the 'nightmares' diaryring! look forward to reading about your nightmares. =^..^=
from catz-eyes :
g'day. thank you for joining the 'in therapy' diaryring. and while i'm at it - you write beautifully! =^..^=
from bam-stroker :
you don't have to feel like you're burdening me with anything. anything at all! you don't have to feel that you have to be normal. normal is so boring and overrated sometimes -- and normal is different than happy. you will be free and happy someday, i promise. i hope i'm there to see that and help you along the way. i want to say, "whitney, eat, you can see how much your metabolism is being affected, you can see all that's wrong ..." but i really understand what you're trying to do. i really got it when you said you want to hit rock bottom so you can be picked up. that's why i wonder why i can't ever just slip, finally be found in some bathroom getting over an overdose SO THAT i can go off somewhere and be cared for and be picked up. it's just like you referenced i think, it can only get worse before it's better -- when does it get at its worse and when can it start getting better? if you made it to 80, 70, 60 pounds, it would be worse, and you could get better. and .. you're not fat, but i know that goes on deaf ears, haha. i don't know how to say to make it better. i don't think i would be a friend if i said, "get to that stage so you can get better." i think you will have to try and rely on barbara, and not your parents. your parents will always be around, but at least with barbara you can confess some things and won't see her until next week, you know? but either way, i'm always here, i think you're fantastic, and i love you! (and if you ever need to get away and need money, i have 400 in the bank and an extra room)

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