messages to bliss-sad:
(click here to add new message):

from for-you-only :
Since February! Gosh! That's crazy! Is there a way to contact you besides notes? I'm nuria-asha on LJ now.
from for-you-only :
I remember I used to read your journal and liked it. Did you used to be Honestliar on here, or am I just confused? I'm looking back on some things I wrote in 2004 and it has re-inspired my interest in diaryland.
from stepfordtart :
I think the awkwardness is in finally having to accept that your mum knows you fuck. That never goes away. She knows and you can't deny it. *shudder* ;-) s xx
from stepfordtart :
Hey hey! Interesting times ahead for you two, then?! I'd kind of got out of the habit of writing here, too, but when I get here I wish I was here all the time. I love your diary and I hope you update often in the future. Love s xx
from for-you-only :
*hugs*
from stepfordtart :
Yay! Thats great news - hope it works out to be absolutely fabulous for you. s xx
from for-you-only :
Glad to see you're still writing. I often miss romance too, but I never really had romance with my husband. We sort of have just always been more like friends than lovers, which is good for longevity of relationship, but not very exciting.
from stepfordtart :
Many hoorays for Youuuuuuuu! s x
from stepfordtart :
Yay! Dont forget to come back here and tell us all about it! Hoping you have a lovely time :-) s xx
from stepfordtart :
Aww, thats lovely to hear. As someone going through a fair bit of strife at the mo, this has given me a little bit of hope for the future. Thanks for that s xx
from stepfordtart :
Chichen Itza is bloody marvellous. The only downside is that I went with my first husband, but if we gloss over that....it was bloody marvellous! xx
from dangerspouse :
Is it just me, or is it ironic that you want to save animals from being killed, but also learn to kill them? Oh well, life is full of seeming contradictions. Good luck with the bucket list - if you ever find out, post which state has the best coffee!
from thruthecrowd :
Your credits should transfer if you send transcripts to any school. I've attended 3 schools and lost no credits or completed gen ed courses. Good luck with everything, hope it all gets better for you. <3
from stepfordtart :
Here's a bit of good news, tho. Notes are back! :-) xx
from stepfordtart :
Aaahhh! Freeboobin' it! There's nothing quite like it, huh? That made me smile :-) s x
from newschick :
on a positive note, you sound very in tune with your marriage, and that's a really good thing. it's nice to read from people who truly have taken their vows seriously. hang in there... the downs make the ups that much more special.
from thruthecrowd :
Hoping things get better for you soon, until that time, and because i also know how sucky being a human can be, know that i care. <3
from thruthecrowd :
<3
from stepfordtart :
Aaarrrggghhh! Families! I cant offer any pithy words of wisdom there...but I am a pretty good candy cook so if I can be of any cyber-help with that stuff, just give me a shout! s x
from stepfordtart :
Why the shame? You werent able to control any of these things, they happened anyway and you could not have prepared for them. I hope you can find a good counsellor who will help you through this. *thinking of you* s x
from pink-sapfire :
hugs. Stopping by with a little love and to say hi :)
from stepfordtart :
So sorry to hear this - almost incomprehensible to me that a mum only two years older than my husband can pass. Just doesnt seem right. All my best to you, dear thing, may this be the last bit of darkness in your life for a while, huh? xx
from stepfordtart :
Aww, bless your little heart! Even from my hospital bed I can say you're having a worse time than me. Sending hugs across the pond for you and yours xxx
from thruthecrowd :
All I can say is that I am so terribly sorry you guys are going through all of this, and that I care. I can't imagine. <3
from stepfordtart :
Thats good - have been worrying about you. s xx
from stepfordtart :
hug hug and more hug. I hope getting it down helps you, dear. thinking of you, and your grandma and your friend. xxxxxxxx
from jaysthoughts :
Entropy breaks us all down..
from stepfordtart :
sending loves across the miles (cos thats all I gots) s xx
from stepfordtart :
Bereavement counselling. Do it now, sweetie pie. And go see your doc, too. Meanwhile, be with those you love and know that there are others wishing you well too, (even if you can't see us) xx
from stepfordtart :
Oh! OH! (((((hugs))))) so so sorry for your loss, dear girl. s xx
from moodswing :
<3 <3 <3 if there's anything..
from thruthecrowd :
Oh my, reading that made me want to wrap my arms around you. I am so sorry that you had to be one to have that as your final experience with your grandmother. And I can honestly say that there is no right or wrong way to feel or react to being in that situation or experiencing that. It is a shock I am sure, and my heart really goes out to you. <3
from thruthecrowd :
Oh no, I am so sorry to read about your dear friend. Thinking of you. <3
from catsoul :
I am very sorry to read about the passing away of your best friend. Endings are so tough no matter what, when, or how. Take care. =^..^=
from stepfordtart :
Oh my! How horrible. So sorry for your loss, dear. s x
from thruthecrowd :
Have a great trip! :)
from stepfordtart :
And shit? Surely thats not an appropriate gift?! ;-) Happy Valentine's Day to you, dear! s x
from stepfordtart :
Yay, YAY and SUPER-YAY!!!! Umm, Im assuming tips are untaxed/untaxable income? Makes them all the sweeter! So glad to hear you sounding happy after all that shittiness. s xx
from stepfordtart :
not sure its 'setting yourself back' - surely you're still moving forward if you're finding out about ways to be happy and fulfilled, arent you? s x
from movingsands :
not silly at all. credit where credit is due
from newschick :
keep it up! you will both get through and be better off because of it. (and richer!) :D
from newschick :
keep it up! you will both get through and be better off because of it. (and richer!) :D
from stepfordtart :
I heartily applaud EVERYONE who is giving up smoking. You are all marvellous! s x
from moodswing :
hey, we are on the same timeline as far as quitting smoking. and i've been trying not to jinx myself but i really think this is the one that will work, too. go us!
from loveherwell :
i've been reading intermittently for a while now, but i just want you to know that entry you just wrote warmed my heart.
from stepfordtart :
#22 Amused and entertained a wide variety of people from all across the world. #23 Is loved and admired by same. s x
from atwowaydream :
You were miserable there, and honestly, how much can such a horrible fuck change his ways? Think long and hard, as I'm sure you will, and I wish you luck
from catsoul :
Good luck, and it will all work out. Think positive & great things will happen for you. Take Care. =^..^=
from stepfordtart :
holding my breath for good things to come your way in large quantities! s x
from catsoul :
I don't usually write a note, though I wanted to write and tell you that your idea a few posts ago about not having your MIL in your house is probably your best choice. You should feel that you have a say in everything you and your husband decide. When my husband and I have had to deal with family situations and challenges, we stand together with the same decision because early on when we were younger, if we didn't one of the relatives could work the other one against the other. Anyhoo, I commend you and your understanding of your whole situation. Hang in there. Take Care. =^..^=
from stepfordtart :
Aww man! How much MORE? I very much hope that, at some point in the future, you will be able to look back and think "well, we dealt with THAT, we can do ANYTHING!" And it will be so. Because you are fabulous. s x
from dullstar :
Good luck with the MIL. Don't try to change anything - just listen.
from thruthecrowd :
Oh I hope you get the job at the college! And i hope your ankle is better. <3
from peace4allboy :
Thanks always for your support and kind wishes! -Peace Out
from dullstar :
Your desire to give yourself an orgasm has nothing to do with your sexual relationship with your husband. Do whacha gotta do.
from stepfordtart :
omifuckinGOD! There is no need for anyone to speak to you like that in your place of work. If you can possibly summon up the strength to do it, you must tell him that this is unacceptable, preferably in the middle of one of these tirades. *shakes head* What a fucking nightmare - no wonder you hate it. s x
from newschick :
I really relate to your entry. I felt nearly the same way when I was sent away... I felt betrayed by the entire world, for just locking me up in a place far from home. And then when I wanted to get better, they pulled the plug and didn't let me extend my care. My sister? When she lost it she got to stay a full 2 months longer than I did, even though my case was just as serious. It all makes more sense, though, the longer you think about it. Parents make huge mistakes, and can't be counted on to do the right thing. They do their best, but sometimes, that best really hurts.
from diary--user :
Quincy was born on July 10th. He's great, everyone loves him lol. If you want you can call me 712 899 6817. Evenings or weekends work best lol I'm just so busy, it's crazy!
from stepfordtart :
Dito on the bestie comment. Oh, and you are allowed to feel like this, its kind of OK when youve got a lot on your plate - which you have. Im sure better times are around the corner for you, dear. s x
from dullstar :
You're never too old to have a best friend. But don't limit yourself to just one.
from stepfordtart :
Hoping for the best for you, dear. s x
from diary--user :
I hate those "nurses hotlines." They have one here though my hospital but it is such bullshit. It sounds like she's flipping through a big book of medical questions and answers, and she says 'you probably should be fine' like that's an answer. And on this call in question I was on, she had me transferred to talk to my doctor anyway.After she had given me no real information. I think they are legally bound to tell you to go to the hospital if it's something they can't answer. And there is a lot they can't answer. They don't want to be liable in case something goes wrong later one and you say "you didn't tell me to go to the ER." I would say don't worry too much. You'll get it sorted out when you go to the OBGYN. Worrying will only make it worse. And knowing will be better than not knowing.
from atwowaydream :
You don't sound like a jerk at all; it's hard to know how hard you've had to scrape the bottom of the barrel just to get by when another sibling is getting their bills paid without batting an eyelash. Sometimes I think parents have that one child who they just know will always survive, no matter what. But yeah, it would be nice to get a little help, and you're totally entitled to feeling a little jilted.
from dullstar :
It's not you, dude. Sounds like the kind of office where you have to get shit done yourself, and keeping hounding people, asking questions, to get anything done. It's a tough dynamic, but you'll learn a ton if you can stick it out. But yeah, if they don't get the payroll thing worked out ASAP, report them to your local EDD.
from stepfordtart :
They pay you late - you bail. There's NO excuse for paying an employee late. Get your money and tell em to ram it. s x
from stepfordtart :
Holy shit - that sounds scary! Not quite sure what you could do about it - maybe just make sure you write everything down (a kind of 'day-log' thing?) so that you have some redress if the shit hits the fan? s x
from atwowaydream :
Hey girly, of course you can read if you want to. I just wasn't sure if you were still interested. email me at inlethaldoses@aol.com whenever you want to. We've been reading each other for years and years, and you are definitely someone I consider trustworthy and awesome.
from dullstar :
Ah, the sink or swim job. The only way to survive is to ask many questions, even the simplest question that you think you should know, that you might assume that you already know, better to ask now than 6 months down the line. Also, take copious notes - it's totally fine to ask the stupidest question once. Twice or thrice - not so much.
from newschick :
Mega congrats on the job! the first few weeks are always crazy - and then it does settle down. enjoy it! :)
from thruthecrowd :
Congrats on surviving day one! :)
from catsoul :
7/14/13 Congratulations to you!! Awesome...now what are you going to wear for you first day on the new job?
from stepfordtart :
Yay! Hoorays for youz twoz! s x
from atwowaydream :
I know I have never been the best person to give advice and support when it comes to dealing with alcoholism. . . but my goodness, love, you have been so strong through this entire ordeal, the whole ordeal of your life and dealing with being the mediator and perfect child through everything. As another child who grew up the mediator, I send you nothing but hugs.
from stepfordtart :
Oh. Oh. I keep trying to reply to this and I cant. You know my situation. I wish you lived nearer, dear, I think you and I could talk lots. ((hug)) s x
from catsoul :
6/28/13 Good for you. Accepting that your life is/will/can be so much healthier and happier without alcohol. You are on your way to living your life joyfully. I am standing up and clapping for your courage. Take Care. =^..^=
from pink-sapfire :
Returnin' with the love and light making it enough for the both of us to share...
from peace4allboy :
Thank you for the inspirational note! With much gratitude and peace! ~p4ab
from stepfordtart :
I hear what youre saying and often feel the same towards L. Howeverrrrrrrrrrrr, I have been known to yell "OMIGOD you are SUCH a KNOBHEAD". Mostly when he's being a knobhead. You are allowed to call your husband an asshole and still love him unconditionally. The two things arent mutually exclusive. Cut yourself a teeny little bit of slack every now and then, husbands may be perfect but wives are allowed cute little flaws ;-) s x
from stepfordtart :
thinking of you and your friend, dear. ((hug)) s x
from moodswing :
i mostly quit facebook once, but left my account open just for family -- since they're all now across the country. i sent messages to everyone i cared about saying 'hey i'm leaving facebook here's how to contact me.' i was emailed by one person in the six months i was off it. crazy. i agree with everything you said about it, and some days i wish i could lay off completely. *sigh*
from moodswing :
happy anniversary!
from stepfordtart :
Happy Anniversary! s x PS Merry 420 to you too!
from pink-sapfire :
Been a while since either of us has been by the other's page. I'll come and have a look around once I get my school work caught up. Talk laterz!
from stepfordtart :
Happy Birthday, dear! s x
from stepfordtart :
"Growing up and maturing doesn't mean disallowing yourself to feel, does it?" Fucking hell, I hope not! s x
from stepfordtart :
Thanks for your note, it was really kind of you. Oh, and Happy Birthday, too! May it be as good as it can be. s x
from stepfordtart :
Sending *loves* as I have nothing else to offer. s x
from stepfordtart :
BEYOND yayyyyyyy!!!!! Thats fantastic! Well done, you. s xx
from dullstar :
Yes yes yes! Life may be challenging, but it doesn't need to be difficult.
from stepfordtart :
Neither my brother nor my sister have any kids. So what? Its nobodys business but your own. And, at 23, youre still ever so young. There's no rush right now and if you never decide that the times is right, then that is utterly your decision. Everyone else can fuck right off. s x
from stepfordtart :
Yikes! That doesnt sound good. Time to see the ob/gyn? s x
from diary--user :
No, you're not alone. 3D and even sometimes the regular ultrasounds look so weird, like you're looking at an alien swimming inside you. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but seeing them on those screens like that was probably one of the weirdest things ever. And the ultrasound techs are all smiling like you should be just over the moon about seeing this, when all you're really seeing is either your baby's skeleton or in the case of a 3D ultrasound, your baby's features with craters in them. And after you have an ultrasound every week or two for a couple of months, the novelty has definitely worn off. It's a great diagnostic tool, but I wish I could have taken a nap every time they did one; it would have done me a lot more good.
from atwowaydream :
D'aww... you can celebrate as many anniversaries as you want! And you should!
from stepfordtart :
Quit. And then email their president or CEO or Board of Directors or whatever and tell them exactly what you told us. Shitheads. s x
from dullstar :
Quit. Don't look back.
from stepfordtart :
Dont really have any pithy words of wisdom for you, but you are definitely more self-confident than you give yourself credit for. ((hug)) s x
from stepfordtart :
clusterfuck has to be one of THEEEEE best words in the world. I never watch scary films - I am a total pussy AND scared of the dark and the trauma can go on for weeks if I watch something scary by accident. We got plenty owls here too. Luckily L's snoring drowns them out. s x
from newschick :
go you for doing exactly what you wanted for your wedding. i just came back from a wedding where the girl spent SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS on her dress... it was so utterly pointless. AND she got the most expensive photographer in our city, just because they were the top price. me? i spent $200 on my dress, and to this day, people say my dress is absolutely beautiful when they see my pics. i know it's sincere because so many have said it. this is just my theory, but i think the girls who go over the top are usually totally insecure about marriage/their partner. us girls who do whatever we want? lasts a lifetime. :) stand your ground and don't let her jealousy get in your way of being yourself and in love with your man! :)
from dullstar :
You *are* her spot of sunshine, and her godsend. Knowing she has someone she can rely on gives her more strength to keep fighting.
from stepfordtart :
Youre a good person. s x
from stepfordtart :
Mmmmmmm, micro-management! I love that. Brain like a simmering pan of gumbo......but all my bookshelves arranged in 'height of book' order. s x
from stepfordtart :
????? 'sup? s x
from stepfordtart :
SQUEEEEEEEEEEE! Thats fantastic! s x
from almostrachie :
Congrats on the job! YAAAY! -celebrates- :D
from stepfordtart :
Haha! If I had ONLY read the line about "devils food waffles" I would STILL have known that entry contained references to weed smoking! s x
from stepfordtart :
I love duck, too! Yumyum! After Jooj's Halloween party I found a half bottle of blue Reef (one of those vile alcopops type things) wedged in the cupboard where I keep my saucepans. s x
from dangerspouse :
FRESH DUCK!! Omg, I don't know you but I wanna be tucked in by you and kissed on the cheek by you and handed a mug of cocoa by you and...anything else that will let me try some of that duck! I love duck!!
from almostrachie :
I get the same thing from people -- I just don't want to have kids right now. I am not grown up enough, I am not ready, I am not responsible enough, and I have no desire for children. But because I'm 26 (apparently, that makes me an old maid now) and everyone around me is having or already has babies, I feel (and am sometimes treated) like the odd one out! No fun, indeed.
from stepfordtart :
Yep, it certainly is! *nods head sagely* Good luck with the interview! s x
from stepfordtart :
Its fine to be a housewife. Its a job, and a jolly diverse one (if its done right!). You should only freak out if its not your choice to do it and you were somehow pressed into servitude against your will. Its a good job - take pride in it for as long as you (and your finances!) feel able. And when you dont want to do it any more, do something else. Never be ashamed of doing a job well, whatever the job is. s x PS can you tell Ive been a housewife? ;-)
from stepfordtart :
Aww, you ARE lovely! Fingers crossed for the new job, dear! s x
from almostrachie :
I also take comfort in the fact that nobody seems to know what they're doing...because I sure as hell don't, either!
from illusionless :
I agree whole-heartedly! I don't understand women at all and they can be so mean!
from thruthecrowd :
I've sadly come to the same conclusion. I don't understand my own gender one bit. :(
from stepfordtart :
Insomnia is a terrible thing. It makes other, usually surmountable, things suddenly insurmountable. As a fellow sufferer, you have my utmost sympathies. s x
from stepfordtart :
Has the smell gone now, dear? s x
from stepfordtart :
Bluueeeerrghhh! It sounds grim. Hoorah for best friends. s x
from stepfordtart :
I think youll notice a massive difference once the carpets are out. SO glad you quit that damn job - onwards and upwards! s x
from stepfordtart :
SQUEEEEEEEE! s x
from stepfordtart :
spend tomorrow drafting a 'you suck' email, then at one minute to 5, click send (with BCC to every other employee in the place) and fuck off home. It isnt 'not grown up'. In fact, its more a rite of passage type thing - ask any old person (for 'old', I mean 'over 40'), I bet they will have walked out of at least one job with not even a backwards glance. s x PS Ive seen 300.
from stepfordtart :
Surely, when being "interrogated about your plans" by an ass-hat, the correct response is "mind your own fucking business", swiftly followed by getting up and walking out, isnt it? Life's too short to be that miserable EVERY day. s x
from stepfordtart :
Be proud, fersure. s x
from atwowaydream :
Recovery means taking and maintaining the first step, sweetie. Giving up alcohol for a year is something I definitely admire, and you should definitely be proud.
from dullstar :
You just inspired me to seek out an al-anon meeting with my brother the next time he's in town. Definitely can't do it alone.
from catsoul :
Good for the two of you. Empowerment is the key to changes & understanding. Being able to let go of all the hurt that has affected you. Take care. =^..^=
from stepfordtart :
Very interested to hear about the meetings (oh, and Yay you for 12th!) s x
from dullstar :
Your dad cares...his disease doesn't.
from stepfordtart :
I feel bad that all that stuff you have with Dev (and which I used to have with L) has gone by the wayside a bit since Ive been ill. We need to get that back, fersure, and we're (both) working on it. Tell you what, you keep your fingers crossed for me, and I'll do the same for you! s x
from loveherwell :
hey, thank you for that--i can honestly say it made my day. i hope yours is going well!
from stepfordtart :
*Good
from stepfordtart :
Hoorah to exorcising the demon that is F@cebook. I swear that shit is worse than crack (and more addictive). I once moved into a house where the owners had several large dogs with 'sensitive bladders'. OMFG, the smell! Hire a skip, rip up the carpets, get busy with the Domestos and youll be amazed how quickly its all a distant stinky memory! Goos luck! s x
from illusionless :
Wonderful news about the new house! Just wait till all the work is done. I'm sure you'll be happy with it.
from catsoul :
Don't overthink, that is stressing enough in itself. My husband has a hard time also when I am in a funk state, so he says very little also. He told me numerous times, that when I am ready to talk, he will listen. Take care. =^..^=
from dullstar :
This too will pass. (hugs)
from stepfordtart :
Welcome to 'post wedding crash'. Deep breaths, dear. Here's your mantra - This will pass and you are loved by many. ((hug)) s x
from illusionless :
Congrats on getting married. That was a lovely video! Romantic, funny, spontaneous, and most of all perfect!
from stepfordtart :
Absolutely priceless! Hey, I just realised you got married on 4:20. Was that 'significant'? You both look like youre having SO much fun, what a great start to married life : ) s x
from stepfordtart :
Me too. Get the kettle on, Im coming over! s x
from stepfordtart :
And long may you continue to feel exactly like this! s x
from atwowaydream :
of course it's not going to change the moment you get married. you guys are awesome. people will say a lot of things, but it's more about what you and your husband feel.
from stepfordtart :
Im sorry, but Im laughing just a little bit at this. I seriously think I would DIE if a whole mess of my conquests turned up in the same place at the same time. Mercifully most of them are fat bald alcoholic saddos these days so I might still have the upperhand (mind you, Im not so hot myself these days, I guess!). Seriously though, that does sound like a grim experience, and one I hope you dont have to go through again anytime soon. s x
from stepfordtart :
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY! Extra super double awesome! Many congratulations and lots of love s x
from dullstar :
So happy for it! Savor every moment!
from illusionless :
Congrats on picking the destination and ceremony! I checked the website and it sounds lovely. I wish you both all the happiness in the world!
from stepfordtart :
BEYOND awesome! s x
from stepfordtart :
Similarly, my mum and dad married in 1959, aged 20. Now theyre 73. FIFTY THREE YEARS! Thats un-reeeeeaaaaaaal. Its taken some work (by both of them!) by theyve sure stuck at it. Getting married is easy. Staying married takes real commitment. I wish you all the luck in the world. ((hug)) s x
from dullstar :
!!! Vegas road trip, Elvis wedding - sounds perfect!
from stepfordtart :
Live link to an Elvis wedding? Really? That exists as a thing? *faints with the sheer glee of it* s x
from stepfordtart :
OMIGOSHOMIGOSHOMIGOSH! Squeeeeeeeee! s x
from atwowaydream :
Yay! I wish you both so much love and happiness.
from stepfordtart :
Im so glad youre getting YOUR wedding (and it IS all about the marriage, youre absolutely right!). Will there be photos? The other stuff sounds a bit grim but Im sure it will sort itself - I think the money shuffling is a sensible option fersure. Colour-matched napkins? NO. Car and fixed-up stuff? YEP! s x
from stepfordtart :
I think 'remembering to breathe' might be quite useful, too. That, and the mantra "Our Wedding, Our Way." s x
from takenbytrees :
Let me know when you find the solution.
from stepfordtart :
"Im going alone because I want to build up some 'I miss you'". There. Job done. s x
from dullstar :
Set your boundaries! It's totally reasonable to want to be alone, and waaaaaaaaaaay healthy. In my ideal day, I spend at least half of it alone - no coworkers, no significant others, no pets, just me with no one to answer to.
from stepfordtart :
Oh, pleeeeease dont have what you dont want! The tension in your face will show in every single photograph (been there, done that - the pics of my 1st wedding, my face is a stony mask of irritation and dismay). Explain yourself to everyone you think is pushing you in a different direction to the one you actually want and PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! s x
from stepfordtart :
I hear ya. s x
from stepfordtart :
Running away for the weekend sounds awesome. Not much chance of that happening around here anytime soon, so Im just gonna enjoy yours vicariously, if thats OK. YAY HOT-TUBBBBBBBBBBBB!!! s x
from stepfordtart :
Why the fuck not, indeed! It sounds like a great idea : ) s x
from stepfordtart :
Talk to your boy and do what feels right. Everyone else can bugger off. s x PS Thank you so much for your note, it was really sweet xxx
from stepfordtart :
Yay indeed! Looking forward to hearing all about it. s x
from illusionless :
The way I see it. The only one who can make the decision is you. Nobody else. If you want to follow your dreams than I say go for it! If you want to stay in your current job than I say go for it too. What matters is the decision that you make and if you feel in your heart that it is the right decision for YOU. I will give you a recent example from my own life. I pay for my own Internet service in my apartment. Originally we were all paying for our own. I found out before I left for home that my neighbor in the apartment directly across from me is sharing the cost of Internet with the tenants upstairs, so they are both splitting one connection. People have been telling me even before I found out to inquire about sharing the cost of Internet because financially it would be cheaper. A valid point. However I have had multiple thefts by people both close to me and not close to me, so naturally I would be weary of possibly walking into a messy financial situations by sharing with my housemates, so my final decision is to pay for my own Internet to remain in control of my services despite it being more expensive. Now every single person I have talked too disagrees with my decision, but I know that my choice is right for me regardless. What I'm trying to say is if you want to follow your dreams and take the job prospect than check to make sure that you feel it's right for you and do it! Things have a way of working out. Also nothing is set in stone. If you find out that you don't like it, and the job you are currently in love you so much than I'm sure they might be willing to accept you again if they are so adamant on keeping you in the first place. Look into your heart, I'm sure you will find the right answer for you.
from stepfordtart :
So glad to hear your da's all better. s x
from illusionless :
I'm so glad that your dad is ok now. What a scare! I feel the same way about my Dad. He's my favourite person in the world too. Go Daddys girls! :)
from atwowaydream :
many many prayers and love being sent to you from Virginia, sweetie.
from stepfordtart :
Oh my goodness! Im so sorry to hear that. Thinking good thoughts for you from across the pond, dear. ((hug)) s x
from illusionless :
I'm so sorry about your Dad. I hope we pulls through. Sending lots of love.
from diary--user :
It's nothing, really. I have always wanted to plan a wedding, and all those thoughts are rattling around inside my brain, it would just be easier to get them out. I can give you as much or as little help as you need. As for reading my diary, sure! Do you have an email I can send the password to? Just so it's more private. I'm not locking my diary from the public, just from him.
from stepfordtart :
Fabulous! Cant wait to see pics (not of your boobs! I mean, I love you and all that....just not 'like that'!) s x
from stepfordtart :
I planned a wedding in 6 weeks for one of my friends and my own weddings were done in significantly less tme than it takes most people to colour coordinate their napkins. The secret to it is to HAVE WHAT YOU WANT. Dont have things you're 'supposed' to have and dont tell anyone 'Im getting married' when you order stuff - the price shoots up by at least 30% and they will try to steer you towards their wedding 'package'. Uuuurgh. s x
from diary--user :
Hey, I'd also love to see pictures of your tattoo, it sounds beautiful. Also, I don't want to butt in or over-step or anything, but if you need help planning your wedding, I'd love to help. I didn't really get to plan my wedding, I don't regret it per se but I would love to be able to do it. If you need help, I'm totally here! If not, that's cool too.
from stepfordtart :
Im really interested to see how that turns out - me and my girls are addicted to shows like 'LA Ink' and Im always fascinated to see how cover-ups are done. Any chance of before/after pic? s x PS I think how you feel about it is fabulous - we all come with baggage and its the ability to say 'I have this and its part of me' that makes ordinary people fabulous! xxx
from dullstar :
"Why am I the bad guy because I don't have a belly full of pills?" Because you make them feel guilt and shame for their addictive behavior. I'm so sorry - that's a lot to deal with : (
from stepfordtart :
Oh my goodness, is that you?! Youre nothing like how I expected, you gorgeous creature, you! (Eek! That makes it sound like I thought you were going to be some kind of mutant! Its not that at all, just I had you in my minds eye as being dark haired and...ummm...somehow less pretty! Ummm....I think I'd better shut up now) Great picture and HUZZAH for Dev the Musician Beckoner! s x
from atwowaydream :
Sometimes we need time, and there's only one person in the world who can help get us through it. You're amazingly strong, so you'll come through when you're ready.
from stepfordtart :
Hey. Youre not alone on that - I have a whole My Name Is Earl style list of past-life misdemeanours that Id like to atone for. Like you, Im trying to make up for them by just not being that person any more. These days, Im much more 'whats going to be best here' rather than 'OK, who needs to die first here?'. MOST times it works (although I do still have moments of hideous remembrance of things/people I fucked over). I think its kind of OK to have BEEN that person as long as youre now recognising that its not the way to carry on BEING. s xx
from diary--user :
Hey, thanks. As far as calling, now's not a good time because my phone has no time and I don't want to be overheard. If you want to email me or message me on facebook that's fine. Notes work too.
from diary--user :
Hey, how's things going? I was just hanging out here and notice that you were online right now. Do you mind if I read your diary? Its okay if you say no. I'm going to pick mine up again, feel free to read. I'd love to chat with you.
from stepfordtart :
Haha! Is your dog a guitarist, by any chance? s x
from stepfordtart :
Im loving that you recognise that marriage will be a learning experience. Too many people go into it believing that everything will be perfect from day one. It wont be. But if you can take all the bad stuff, learn something from it and keep communicating with each other, then I think you deffo have a chance of making it work. Yay you! s x
from dullstar :
I have totally had my moments with an entire box of krispy kreme...or an entire bag of corn pops...or a day when my caloric intake is comprised entirely of milkshakes. Suggestion for lifestyle change: don't try to STOP doing something, REPLACE it. Rather than finding the will power to give up eating all day long, I replaced that urge with yoga....or running, biking, learning to knit, repainting the house, anything that keeps me busy so I'm not constantly thinking about all the glorious sugar I could be consuming.
from stepfordtart :
I do think youre allowed a spectacular fall from grace every now and then, dear. Its what keeps 'dieters' sane! I baked a batch of cookies yesterday - about 15 of those big jumbo chewy suckers. Hmmmm, only a couple left today.*looks ashamed* The kids arent even home so I cant blame it on them. We shall have a better day today tho, shant we?! s x
from stepfordtart :
Thats fantastic! Good for you xxx
from atwowaydream :
oh darling, you're more than just beautiful. you scintillate, and i know you will kick this out of the field just like you do with everything else. strength really is beauty.
from stepfordtart :
Ive only been on one retreat in my life but it was a really lovely experience. I hope yours does the trick for you and look forward to hearing all about it soon. s x
from teenmommie :
Hey sugar, I'm sorry it took me a while to get back to you. You too, should know that what you're going through right now, you don't have to go through it alone. Don't ever think you're any less of who you are(: Here's a hug, if you like(:
from dullstar :
Femininity has nothing to do with your body - just ask any m2f transsexual. Being a woman is all about your mind, your instincts, your sensitivity towards others and yourself. Forgive your body, acknowledge that it is still capable on so many other levels, and be kind to yourself. <3
from stepfordtart :
Ashamed? No. Never. Never be ashamed of weird shit you didnt bring upon yourself. PCOS is surprisingly common (and the treatments for it sometimes surprisingly effective) and you have a whole life of fabulous experiences ahead of you with that man o' yours. ((squeeeeeeze)) you, you fabulous creature. Be amazing. Ovaries schmovaries! s x
from illusionless :
I'm so sorry that you have this condition! Being (possibly) infertile and rarely getting your period don't make you any less of a woman at all! As far as I'm concerned if you feel/see yourself as a woman then that alone makes you a woman and vise-versa. Also doctors aren't always right when it comes this stuff either. You hear all kinds of stories about women who are considered infertile having children after lots of trying or not trying at all. I think there is a show about about that called -I didn't know I was pregnant- or something like that. How long have you been taking the medication? I found after taking the meds I'm on that the side-effects eventually fade as your body gets used to it in your system. That could be a possibility, even though we take different pills different things. Try not to feel ashamed about taking the meds. Medication is there to help what's wrong with our bodies so that we can be healthy. Bottom line you are no less of a woman WHATSOEVER. :) If you ever need to talk I'm on msn.
from stepfordtart :
I feel a little bit 'light fading' myself at the mo, so Im liking your tinkerbellesque take on people. Cant guarantee any sparkly dust will fall out if you shake me, tho! s x
from illusionless :
Also it's amazing what resources and tools one can pull out of themselves when help isn't available. I'm still on the waiting list for a psychiatrist with no word whatsoever, and I can't afford therapy on my income, so I have no choice, but to either stay in the dark pit of misery or find a way to get myself out completely.
from illusionless :
I've had different therapists and psychiatrists since I was 12 years old. I also have been in in/outpatient hospital programs, and I have a diploma in SSW. Along with research and past experiences and education I have the tools. It's mainly just utilizing them and having the guts to really try and make a change. Wish me luck. I've never tried anything this extensive before. God is blessing and helping me through this. (If you don't believe in God then disregard that last part)
from stepfordtart :
L bought himself one of those big-ass TVs a while back - I wrote about it , I think - its so big you nearly have to step out into the hallway to get the whole picture in your eye properly! Happy B'day to the Dev, tho! s x
from pink-sapfire :
Congrats on the nuptuals. I feel exactly the same way. I never had one of those moments either back when I was younger. When the day comes close for me, I'll just play it all by ear lol. Hope things are running smoothly. Take care. jx
from lostasyou :
Congrats on the wedding :) I've been reading for a while so I'm going to add you to my list x
from dullstar :
Congratulations!!!! That is so exciting, and was SO well-written! My heart stopped for a minute after your first sentence, and then totally swelled and I teared up a bit at the end...so amazing!
from stepfordtart :
Is "yay! Fantastic news!" all Im ever going to say in your notes now? Seriously though, many MANY congratulations to you both - right now I cant think of a more lovely couple. Oh, and even more seriously, my uncle was a set designer on Fraggle Rock. Yup. Really. s x
from stepfordtart :
YAY!!!! Fantastic news! s x
from illusionless :
Congrats on the raise and full-time position! That's wonderful!
from stepfordtart :
Oh God, do I hear you on that one! Its like the entire household cannot even manage breathing in and out without my advice/say-so/input/etc etc etc. I find crying a little bit, followed by "I dont KNOW!!!! Leave me the fuck a-LONNNNNNE" then a bit more crying and a few heartfelt promises to "not get mad, even if you fuck it up in spectacular fashion" will sometimes buy me a half hour peace and quiet...but Im not making any promises! Feel better soon, dear. s x
from stepfordtart :
She is blessed to have a friend like you. You did some good things there. s x
from illusionless :
I'm so sorry about your friend. I hope she'll be ok.
from illusionless :
It amazes me (in a good way) how even through chaos and stress you can still be so positive and together and upbeat. It is so inspiring.
from kabukicharms :
I think you should learn how to devastate the computer system. You know... for kicks...
from stepfordtart :
I had to google Skynet. Does that mean Im a nerd, or old? ; ) s x
from stepfordtart :
...and you could always rent your house out and live (someplace else) off the rental income?! s x
from stepfordtart :
And so you bloody well should! Yay you! I know exactly what you mean about being a wee bit excited over having your own desk and stuff - it does make you feel important and all that, doesnt it. Imagine my joy when I finally, after years and years, got my own OFFICE! Oh God it was awesome! On the first day, I just went in there, shut the door and all the blinds and did a little dance of awesomeness. I am tragic. These days I dont have anything - and even my pigeonhole is too small for my folders! s x
from stepfordtart :
Hey! A new job AND hand fastening?! Thats just fantastic. Please please please tell me you are also going to jump the broomstick and my life will be complete...but only when you show us all the photos! s x
from dinahsoar :
I'm very touched by today's entry. What that pastor (perhaps inadvertently said) IS the Gospel. Receiving our Savior does mean the end to our sins. It isn't a fairytale. It is true. God came to fulfill what we couldn't. Jesus really IS the Lamb of God, God come into the world in flesh to relate to us. To let us know that the "cool dude in the sky" looks like Him (Jesus) ... which is REALLY good news! I'm sorry you had to experience all the boring stuff, because God is anything but boring! I'm sorry your Mom stopped believing. But it sounds like God's got His tender hand on you. You actually extracted the core of the Gospel from all the boring, meaningless stuff. You got it! Somehow, He spoke to you even through all the ritual and rote stuff. It is a very exciting journey! I was raised Catholic and always kinda knew who Jesus was, but didn't really know HIm. I argued with my son and his friends all the way to Hawaii, mocking their interest in God, telling them their God was "too small" (I was into New Age, thinking of God as an "eneergy). I was invited to a church and, really, there is nothing that I heard that was particularly special. But they announced a baptism that afternoon at the beach. I just had the sense (in my spirit) that I needed to be there. I told my son (who thought I just wanted a photo op). I didn't even know for sure why I was going! But, and I swear, when I came up out of that water, my life has never been the same. He is faithful! Check it out!
from loveherwell :
thank you, thank you, thank you. i really appreciate that! <3
from stepfordtart :
Dont worry - I dance plenty!....just not The Gay Gordons. Its not the sort of dance that fits in too well at drunken musician parties (which are the kind I host/attend most often!). Thanks from the props re explaining to Treacle. Would be so much easier if they had some kind of faith...but they dont. Jooj is Wiccan but Treac hasnt made up her mind what she believes yet. Being a mum is tough sometimes :-S s x
from stepfordtart :
Yay! Im glad you saved the 'important bits'! You could get one of those fancy scrapbooks and make yourself a 'best of the best' type keepsake. Oh, and with the benefit of hindsight I think a fair few of my old BFs were 'doing it wrong' - I can remember after my first time thinking "surely that isnt IT? That was RUBBISH!". s x
from dinahsoar :
I am so proud of you! You were able to do what they say in 12-step, "Take what you need and leave the rest"! Sounds like you really knew what was worth saving and the rest represented incinerating ghosts! Did you do any S'mores?
from illusionless :
You have such a cheery outlook on life! That virginity story made me laugh! Glad your bbq went ok.
from stepfordtart :
Oh, and thanks for the props! I shall carry out your instructions as soon as possible (like, as soon as the kids are asleep - dont want em being scarred for life!) s x
from stepfordtart :
Maybe she could give some lessons to my mum (who will kiss my husband and then walk straight past me). Glad you had a nice day together. s x
from dinahsoar :
I think I'm with stepfordtart. I think I'd stuff them away somewhere. I know I wish I still had my old journals to mark my progress. But you sound very confident that it is time for this healing ritual. I support that.
from stepfordtart :
Wow! Thats kinda final. Id be just shoving them in a box in the attic, I think, but then, Im a hoarder (not one of those creepy ones with bottles of my own pee and a garden full of rotting lumber and cars-on-bricks, but a hoarder nonetheless!). s x
from dullstar :
When people ask what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, I like to say, "I don't know," or, "Exactly what I'm doing right now." They don't know what they're going to be doing for the rest of their life, either. You're allowed to be confused and lost and without direction for the rest of your life, not just when you're 22 and figuring out how to live. Besides, the likelihood of picking out what you're going to want to be doing 5, 10, 30 years down the road and sticking with it is so slim, it's not even worth worrying about. Follow your heart, and if it's not giving you any clues, just have fun!
from dinahsoar :
I just read your latest entry. Your candor and heartfelt sorrow over your loss (and it was a loss that you have every right to grieve) touched me deeply. You will be a wonderful mom someday. You are a beautiful soul.
from dinahsoar :
I'm so glad my poetry touched you. Thank you so much for your note.
from stepfordtart :
Hell's teeth! If you cant be indecisive and a bit dithery when youre 22, when can you be? Dont be forced into a choice which isnt really yours - take your time, dear. s x
from stepfordtart :
Oh! Cute! I dont quite know what I was expecting but that isnt it. Yeh, I think I can use that on something - thanks for the link, much appreciated. s x
from stepfordtart :
Mother/Daughter symbols? What is? (says she, wondering if she can use them in fabric printing/card making etc etc etc) s x
from stepfordtart :
Me too! I have a frilly pinny and everything! s x
from stoner-girl :
Never feel bad for enjoying your own company, I'm right there with you on that. I can spend quite a few days home alone and happy, I've always found it a shame that others can't.
from stepfordtart :
I wish I could say I was just grading a student's paper, but that was an actual submission for a GCSE (kind of like high school graduation paper). The content was pretty good but, OHHHH, the SPELLING! Glad you're feeling kinda chirpy at the mo (although not so nice about the 'friends' stealing and cutting your cables). s x
from kabukicharms :
I wouldn't worry about everyone graduating. I took me seven years to do it, and I've collected three associated along the way. I guess when it comes it'll just click. I still don't know what I want to do. Oh' and funny my sister told me the same thing. "Little brother, we're all bat shit. The trick is finding one thats less so." Also, dude the bagel burger is "super amazing happy time love circle ganja knitting needles other words" fantastic. And it comes with fried pickles!
from dullstar :
Definitely start recording this shit. That's so annoying, and you don't have to live with it. You have rights. Do they rent or own? Perhaps you could complain to the landlord...with evidence. But I would just call the cops. I am ruthless when it comes to protecting my sleep.
from stepfordtart :
Stick your cellphone out of the window everytime they act up and record their racket, then email said racket to the noise police. Not sure how things work over there but that kind of does the trick over here. Best of luck s x
from stepfordtart :
Thanks for the info - mebbe I should sign up! Also, for what its worth, make sure the door isnt closed to him asking you again, when the time is REALLY right, huh? And you'll know when it is. s x
from stepfordtart :
'Couch Surfers'??? Whatis? I like the sound of it already (especially as I am awfully fond of doing acoustic sets in peoples living rooms!) s x
from stepfordtart :
SQUEAL!! Update soon, puh-leeeeease! s x
from illusionless :
Thank you. That would be great to have someone to talk too about these things. Let me know how you wanna communicate (diaryland, msn, skype, e-mail etc.)
from stepfordtart :
#1 - YAY! It has the same effect on me - the whiter I have it the better I like it! And #15 - me and L do Walking in Memphis as part of our regular set. I need to bung in on youtube next time, for your delectation! s x
from tobehis :
Thanks so much for stopping by my site, and for the note. Would you mind telling me how you stumbled across my diary? Feel free to stop by again! I love hearing from my readers. -Amy
from atwowaydream :
aw. i loves you too.
from illusionless :
Yeah this semster was very tough. Starting with Step-moms death, missing classes due to grieving, a teacher switch in my Computers 1 class in the middle of the semester, struggling with Excel, financial troubles, and migranes due to stress. It will feel lovely to relax and recharge.
from illusionless :
Awww thank you! You are fantastic as well! You are so positive and full of life. Whenever I read one of your entries it makes me happy because you sound so happy and happiness is contagious. Am I right? ;)
from illusionless :
Thanks for the positive energy. The story of how you and your boyfriend met is so romantic! You are so lucky! Happy 2 year anniversary.
from stepfordtart :
Ive got a weird feeling that I used to read you years ago but maybe under a different name. Either that or there's got to be some SERIOUSLY good men in Michigan as there's been TWO diaryland girls travelling across country to be with Michigan Men. Of course, I might just be being a bit mental. Happy Twoversary, anyway! s x
from stepfordtart :
Happy Birthday from across the pond! s x
from illusionless :
Happy birthday! :D Hope you got lots of presents.
from dullstar :
Happy birthday!!
from dinahsoar :
Wow! Your Dad rocks! You, too!
from dinahsoar :
You are a very sweet soul.
from atwowaydream :
I send hugs, darling. I'm sure that you were there for him as much as a person possibly could be, and you're an awesome girlfriend.
from stepfordtart :
Im so sorry for your loss. I think you did all that you could have done. s x
from dullstar :
Airfarewatchdog.com. Hipmunk.com. Kayak.com. Farecast.com. Many airlines offer a free flight (or the equivalent miles) if you sign up for their credit card and spend a certain amount of money within a certain time - but this can take several weeks. I haven't paid for a flight in years using this method, but it takes a lot of effort to keep track of it all. I get my tips from moneyunder30.com, mymoneyblog.com, and chrisguillebeau.com.
from illusionless :
I liked your entry about meditation. I meditate as well, but I find it easier to do it in the dark. My visualization technique is to picture a box and then my troubles are all balls of light. If the trouble is small make the ball small if the trouble is big and worrisome make it big. Then take all those balls and individually put them away into the box. If the box gets full then create another and do the same thing. Then I visualize myself setting the box(es) into the ocean and watching them float away on a sunny beach. I like your technique as well it incorportates analysis into the meditation. Take care.
from atwowaydream :
::sigh:: I suppose he can live, then.
from illusionless :
Hello bliss-sad. I have been reading your diary for a long time now. I always enjoy reading. Your entries are so positive and happy that it makes me feel happy and uplifted after reading. You rock! I love the blue hair too! God bless.
from stepfordtart :
Oh that hair colour is fab! Really looks good on you. Much better than mine - I looked like grandma smurf. V nice tat, too! s x
from stepfordtart :
give me a shout if you get stuck, musically. We do shit-loads of music here. See: www.loustonehill.com s x
from stepfordtart :
oh, how I luuuuurve blue hair. I did part of mine a real nice peacock blue a year or so ago and I really liked it. My husband hated it and I let it grow out pretty quick. Not sure I could get away with it nowadays - I work in a school! s x
from kabukicharms :
I'm the same way. My believes are a weird juxtaposition of what makes sense and fits. And almost all of it fits. Because when it comes down to it all religions are valid in that at their core they all teach the same thing. Though for me its takes a decidedly judeo christian slant.
from stepfordtart :
its more like $9/gallon here. Feel my pain. s x PS Yay to the new job!
from stepfordtart :
Hmm. Not my most favouritest EVER wallpaper, no. Looks like you had loads of fun, tho! s x
from dinahsoar :
Great pictures!
from stepfordtart :
Yay! Merry Christmas! s x
from dullstar :
Merry Christmas! That sounds like SO MUCH FUN!
from dinahsoar :
Merry Christmas! How joyful!
from dinahsoar :
Have a wonderful time! Looking forward to hearing all about it!
from stepfordtart :
it sounds like an awesome trip...and you aint even gone yet! Have fun s x
from dullstar :
Yup. All of those things. Every time I want a cigarette, I remember how godawful it was to quit. Just hope you'll only have to go through this once!
from stepfordtart :
Stick with it. Please. Thinking of you. s x
from thruthecrowd :
My dad said that quitting smoking was harder than kicking heroin...I believe it.
from kabukicharms :
Quitting smoking is the worst thing in the world, I'm on day thirteen and I find myself wanting to punch babies. Cigarettes where my firend and constant companion. If I was alone at a coffee shop, smoke. Waiting alone outside a store for someone, smoke. Driving alone... well you get the idea. So good luck on your trying to quit. Also, did you get the card?
from thruthecrowd :
Best of luck to you!
from dullstar :
Yaaay quitting smoking! I replaced nicotine addiction with a sugar addiction. Ring pops helped with the hand to mouth motion, as well as straws cut into cigarette-sized nubs that I would take outside and huff air through to emulate the habit. Also, tea tree oil toothpicks! Good luck!
from dinahsoar :
I don't know if you'll like this reference or not, but I think you resemble early Madonna (the very best phase of Madonna). It could just be me, but that's what I see! Something about your smile.
from musikoid :
About being a "creeper" on Facebook, in a way that's better than having to always comment and try to re-initiate contact with every person you find there. I say this because I have had the latter problem, and it wound up overloading my head. Also it made my FB addiction totally glaring for all the world to see. I felt like I just *had* to comment, or to post a status update, or whatever. You know those people you always see on Facebook, every day, even though you hardly know them? Well, I am one of them. If I could learn how just to "lurk" I'd be better off. (But in that case, I wouldn't even have left *you* this note, so go figure.)
from dinahsoar :
What a great entry! I love those things, too. They are among my favorite things. Bringing people from old lives into the present ... picking up where you left off. That is my element.
from imalex :
Thanks :) You're pretty great yourself!
from pink-sapfire :
Your diary is nice as well... Yeah it really regretting letting me paint it as I please... It was suppose to be a really really really pale pink but it is brighter than hell. I'll show it in my next entry... You are on my buddy list if you didn't know that already lol
from dinahsoar :
I've been told there's no right or wrong way to meditate. You just show up & sit still with all your heart. Enjoy your day! I'll home alone, too!
from pink-sapfire :
Aint no shame in the Facebook thang lol sorry lame joke.. I use to be all about Myspace now I'm all about Facebook... So I can relate
from dinahsoar :
I completely relate! Facebook is a pit & I have fallen in & can't seem to get myself out. I was "found" by my ex-husband and have been communicating (although just in "virtual-land"). It is preoccupying my real life! I try like an addict not to look at his page in the morning, but renouncing something only seems to make the draw stronger. I feel terrible about it, but I can't (or don't) seem to stop! There is great shame around this. Thank you for starting the 12-step. Count me in (big time)!
from stepfordtart :
I dont do Facebook at all, but L does, and he is a creeper too! Youz twos should add each other! You can stalk him at loustonehill.com too if you like! s x PS I will admit to hacking into his FB to check on old boyfriends. Occasionally. OK, quite often. Yeh, well, whatever, I MAY have spent and entire afternoon at it. Dont judge me. ; )
from dinahsoar :
I could have written this entry most of my life. I still could, but I have come to believe that it's okay not to fight our nature and just to be who we are. All my life, I've heard "Your too sensitive!" But that same sensitivity allows me to be a sensitive therapist. The very things we are told are deficits and character flaws are the very things that make us "us" and can also be used to help others. I used to love the song "I Am a Rock, I Am an Island" by Simon & Garfunkle. I used to try to be stone, read books on how to be stone, always trying to be someone else. God made you you. There is no one who can be a better you than you. Cats don't generally say (of course, cats don't generally talk), "If only I could be like that cat over there ... more ... oh, I don't know ...tabby!" I like Shakespeare's Polonius' advice to his son, "And this above all, to thine own self be true. Thou can'st then be false to any man>"
from pink-sapfire :
your page is cute and witty, if that makes sense lol. I'll be adding you if that is alright. xj
from atwowaydream :
I messaged Ray and was all like, "I'm not the only one who tickles the bellies of abnormally large cats!" --Also, I bet there is a fetish for this in Japan.
from stepfordtart :
Positive Spin on Crappy Situation: You gave up smoking! YAYYYY!!! Ok, you didnt MEAN to, but YAY anyway! (Feel better soon, dear!) s x
from dinahsoar :
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.
from atwowaydream :
Is it weird that I just read a few other comments here and I was seriously looking for the "like" button, all facebook style? I will certainly look out for the mail, listen, and then send you something in return. Thank you. :)
from stepfordtart :
Update! Update! We need to know how that Conf Call went! s x
from stepfordtart :
what a bunch of shitheads! Do you know anyone who IS getting paid? Maybe you could get a little 'notes coaching' from them? s x
from dinahsoar :
I have always believed that you must "find" your family here on earth. I'm so glad you have done that. Your family are the ones that you can be yourself with, that see and really know and support you. Sometimes, that happens to be "family" family, but more often than not, I think it is a family assembled over time and with great love.
from valliegirl16 :
My excitement for this semester is gone, and my excitement for school in general is waning. I know it's probably just the community college blues mixed with the fact that all my high school classmates have their bachelor's degrees, but it still manages to discourage me. I know that I can't stop, though. ~*~ Ugh! I know exactly how you feel, except in my case some of them even have masters degrees! And here I am after four years of community college + half a year of university, doing fucking nothing. The upshot is that a lot of my friends are also bums working minimum wage and smoking a lot of pot, so it evens out.
from stepfordtart :
I think the cats are OK, its when you start hoarding stacks of newspapers piled up to the ceiling and keeping your own pee in 2litre Coke bottles you need to start worrying. Dont think you've actually reached 'Crazy Cat Lady' territory yet! s x
from kabukicharms :
Ugh, why is it that cat people just seem to attract more and more cats. I have two inside and four living on the patio.
from dullstar :
"As much as I bitch about being lonely, I really think people are a pain in the ass. " Lol! Totally.
from dinahsoar :
I think being a counselor is all the more reason to treat yourself gently. Clients are really good at picking up what we model. If you model being hard on yourself (even if you don't think you're showing them), they will think there is a standard of perfection for them. You are a lovely person. Let your real self shine! I train interns at a mental health facility and sometimes, in interviews, they ask what I am looking for. I guess they think I am looking for a certain theoretical orientation or special techniques or some special educational accomplishments. I tell them I am looking for a "real person" to be in the room with the client. The genuine "you" is the only thing you have to offer your clients that no one else can provide. Anyone can smile or frown. Shine on!
from dinahsoar :
Those feelings are not selfish or petty or stupid. They are normal. It would be really weird if you DIDN'T feel a tremendous loss. It would mean you can't really attach to anyone. A friendship is reciprocal. You give to and receive from one another. She would feel the same if you were the one leaving. That wouldn't make her selfish, petty or stupid. It would make her your irreplaceble, wonderful friend. Be gentle with yourself. Your friend is moving, but don't abandon yourself. Your little child is still inside, just below the surface of your skin. Comfort her. You wouldn't spank a little child who is sad that her best friend is moving away, would you? Would you shame her and call her names? Parent her gently.
from dinahsoar :
I like your diary. That sense of invisibility ("Nicole") strikes a chord with me. Thank you for your very honest reflections, Nichole.
from dinahsoar :
Thank you for letting me know. I'm glad it resonates.
from stepfordtart :
Anything on paper (and therefore 'official'), like your contract has a legitimate reason to return to sender with the amendment neatly made and a request for a redraft. Cos they wouldnt want your contract to not be binding cos of something like a typo, now would they....? I used to have a surname (from husband #1)that people used to mis-spell all the time. Its my kids name too and I cross it out and amend EVERY time I see it (on their school books and stuff like that). I find the teachers EVENTUALLY got the message! s x PS Your boss is a git.
from stepfordtart :
I find crossing fingers often helps in this sort of situation. I shall do it here for you, to save you the bother. s x
from xeison :
First of all, i wanted to say thank you for the really kind note you gave me. i am not sure that i can accept the notion of being special or deserving love, but it is nice to know that someone thinks so. Um, secondly, i hope you do not mind, but i read some of your entries and just wanted to respond. Two entries ago, you wrote about feeling conflicted between being a counselor and your past versus being a 21 year old college student. Obviously, i do not know of your past, and so i cannot say much about that, but i think that in life, it is important to have fun and to enjoy oneself. If we dont, then were are neglecting a need just as we would be by not eating, albeit not to the same extreme. Being a counselor is certainly a responsibility, but it does not obligate you to the duty of shying away from fun for fear of not upholding some higher standard of being a person. i dont think you have to live up to some higher standard. To some degree, in order to maintain your own stability and life, you really should make sure to take time to yourself and have fun. Obviously, we should try as much as possible to be responsible while having fun and having fun is not an endorsement of having fun at the expense of our own or others safety, but within those limits, you should feel free to enjoy yourself. i would think that it is what you would also hope clients do: enjoy life. The entry after that you wrote about sometimes you feel that you have not changed, and i am glad that you came to the conclusion that you have indeed changed, but also as a general statement, i think that again is a standard you seem to be imposing on yourself as you noticed. Having changed doesnt mandate that you cant have things you are upset about or things that are troubling you, i think it really is a statement about ones overall state of being. It is often a tough distinction to make, but the question is that dominates our lives and that isnt necessarily told by the entries in a diary. Only you can know what it is, but when our problems dominate our lives and our affect, that is when there is a problem because it becomes overwhelming and often our coping mechanism break down and become part of the problem as well. In general, however, life is full of problems, and that doesnt ever stop just because one isnt dominated by them anymore and therefore, it is still valid to write and care about them. The key is they no longer dominate the individual, and that is when the individual has hopefully come to the equilibrium of how life works. Most of what i am saying is probably pretty obvious, but i say it because there seems to be a societal view that the good life has no problems and there is such a state where one never has problems, but such as state is really illusory. The only difference in states results from the relative levels of dominance our problems have over our lives. Anyways, thank you again for the note.
from dinahsoar :
Just started reading your diary, as you are a friend of a friend of a friend. I'm a counselor, too.
from dullstar :
Yikes, #4 totally hit home for me. In regards to feeling overwhelmed with everything that you're doing....it must be so difficult and draining, yes, but look, you're doing it! Well done, lady.
from dullstar :
Oh man. I've been in that relationship. You deserve happiness and support, not burden's and someone else's depression. You had to help yourself; so does he.
from gonzoprophet :
to see such a painting...a visual depiction of my brainspace done by someone outside of it...would be the most fascinating thing that's happened to me in about three years.
from kabukicharms :
They where just missing a Tao/Sassy!
from dullstar :
I don't think it's a blind faith that the problems will work themselves out, but it's a matter of perspective: you can't control what happens, but you can control how you feel about it and how you react to it. Ideally, you give up control at all and let your instincts guide you.
from dullstar :
"I thought that to be happy you had to ignore and accept certain things." Wow...this was like a lightbulb for me. Well put.
from atwowaydream :
i don't think any of us will ever feel pretty or thin enough. we should form a club, but it might include most of the world, so nevermind.
from atwowaydream :
i love the salt shaker tattoo. clever girl.
from dullstar :
I got some very good advice from a customer one night: When the sex goes, the relationship is over. That being said, asexual phases are totally normal whether you're single or committed. You've got so much other really exciting stuff going on; don't worry about it!
from stepfordtart :
*does the happyhappyjoyjoy dance for bliss-sad* s x
from atwowaydream :
i know we never got to exchange those mixed tapes. . . but i still only wish you the most wonderful things. :)
from stepfordtart :
My husband has those callouses, too. They are badges of honour. s x
from dullstar :
Oh honey, that's awful...I'm so sorry for your mama. It's so hard to see these incredible pillars of strength crumble, but that's when you get to return the courage she's giving you.
from dullstar :
One thing at a time. You'll do what you can, and anything that doesn't get done, well, the world is gonna keep on spinning. I like to use my "ten years" mantra when I get overwhelmed: I think back to whatever I was doing 10 years ago and realize how inconsequential it all is, and then I think that 10 years from now, none of this will matter, so just focus on what's right in front of you (and try not to slide into apathy).
from dullstar :
Stick with it, gorgeous, you're lookin fantastic!
from stepfordtart :
'not hating yourself' is always a good place to be. Oh, and you look gorgeously gorgeous so there's really no need to do ANY hating at all (at least over looks - I dont know what other fucked-up stuff you might hate yourself over but dont let it be looks, you bootilicious creature!) s x PS Pretty dress, too!
from dullstar :
Hah, I actually laughed too when I read he got fat--why is that such a punchline? No matter; you won Iowa, holy shit, and you're totally winning at life, too!
from stepfordtart :
whilst Im obviously delighted that you're elated, I only actually laughed when I read that he'd got fat. The woman my first husband left me for bought some leather trousers in a bid to look more like rock 'n' roll me. Mine were black, scratched up, skin tight, leather jeans. Hers were brown, pleated front leather 'slacks' at least an inch too short. I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants (and she saw me laughing. and pointing). Yay you! s x
from moodswing :
sing it. you won.
from dullstar :
Nobody ever knows what they're doing at first. Don't panic.
from dullstar :
Oh good! Pilates! I find it impossible to love anything I haven't worked for.
from dullstar :
The world can be cruel to many of us. The shocking losses are the worst.
from atwowaydream :
yay. it's awesome that we both have similar tastes in music. you should send me your email address so we can work on exchanging a mix tape cd thingy.
from stepfordtart :
Maybe 'coerce' might be better than 'force', huh? Its still bending others to your iron will....but there's less yelling! s x PS You dont need to feel bad about being '2 years behind', you're just having your mid-life crisis now instead of in your 40s (like me!) s x
from atwowaydream :
thank you, darling. sometimes i feel like people here know me better than people in reality. ps: i've been reading you for years, and will continue to be a loyal follower.
from stepfordtart :
Plan B sounds pretty good : ) s x
from dullstar :
First of all, your comments always put the biggest smile to my face. Second, you are definitely on the right path. Taking advantage of a learning situation is the intelligent thing to do, and it sounds like you're both appreciated and needed, regardless of the personal connection. Good for you for mourning when things don't go your way...and brushing away the tears and the hangover and moving the fuck on. Hell yeah, lady!
from stepfordtart :
Could you write a letter, explaining how disappointed you are and how much you wanted the job and asking maybe for a few pointers as to where you might have gone wrong at the interview? You could ask them to bear you in mind for future positions. Maybe you'll stick in their minds for next time a vacancy comes up. V sorry you didnt get it and fingers crossed that another opportunity presents itself very soon. Meanwhile, have you thought about some voluntary work in the same field? Would look good on your resume. s x
from dullstar :
Oh honey....I'm so sorry. There is nothing more desecrating to the soul than job hunting. There's something better for you out there.
from dullstar :
That was poignant. Best of luck with the waiting game!
from dullstar :
Yaaaaay, congratulations!!! And quitting smoking fucking sucks. Every time I want one, I just remember how fucking awful it was to quit.
from atwowaydream :
awesome news about the interview. i certainly wish you the best. i'm sure you'll knock them dead.
from stepfordtart :
Squee Squee SQUEEEEEEEE!!! Yay for you! Fingers crossed and all that, dear. Oh, and even more yayness on quitting the cigs. When I quit I just kept thinking of all the truly vile, stupid people I know who once smoked and then gave up and told myself "Am I not better than them?". Keep it up s x
from stepfordtart :
You're welcome! And a VERY happy birthday for tomorrow - Merry Coming-of-Age to you, dear, and may you have many more. s x
from dullstar :
Ooo, best of luck!!
from moodswing :
also, if you are still looking, there's a stupid website called 'excelle' that is part of monster, i think.. there's some good tips for writing cover letters and resumes and shit. i can send you links if you want them. i hate that process
from moodswing :
ah i wish i could paint. i do it anyway, from time to time. we are a special breed
from stepfordtart :
I could, too, if you like. I worked in recruitment for years and these days I employ people, too, so happy to help if you need it. s x
from dullstar :
So I write pretty rocking resumes and cover letters. If you want to send me what you've got, I could edit it for professionalism...:)
from dullstar :
It's not supposed to be easy, but it's not supposed to be miserable, either. You do deserve better. What are you afraid of, if you're alone? Loneliness is just a feeling, like happiness or anger, and it's how you get to know yourself. Big hugs...you can be true to yourself.
from stepfordtart :
If he gets in a huff cos you're sick then he's an arse. I barely know you at all but Im pretty much convinced you can do better. s x PS Feel better soon!
from stepfordtart :
Haha! Nicely put! Im not sure you're ::absolutely:: right, but I laughed anyway. s x
from dullstar :
That's not love; that's living together. It's not supposed to be easy, but it's not supposed to be homicidal, either.
from stepfordtart :
umm, you totally DO have the right to be mad. That is 'taking advantage' of the highest degree. Chuck him out and tell them they'll have to shag in the back of a car someplace, like teenagers do, cos they sure arent adults. s x
from dullstar :
It is YOUR LIFE and YOUR PROPERTY to do with what you wish, and if you need to assert that, it doesn't make you a bitch. It means you refuse to be taken advantage of.
from dullstar :
Ugh, been there with the live-in boyfriend blues. Hugs...
from pettyquarrel :
Just found your journal. Love it. - s.
from stepfordtart :
Aww. Im a couple of days late so I hope you got a bit happier since you last updated. Here - have a ((HUG)) in a transatlantic-virtual reality-cybermum kind of way. s x
from dullstar :
But...kittens! :)
from atwowaydream :
I can relate to wanting nothing to do with certain 'friends' until I've found out that they had some big soiree without inviting me. I turn into a petulant adult baby and also feel as though the world hates me and for good reason. And I'm happy that you have people in your life with good hearts, because I'm sure you're not someone that anyone would want to miss out on.
from stepfordtart :
Hey! Thanks for adding me (and for your very kind words!). I shall reciprocate, naturally, and any time you need a translator just give me a shout. s x
from dullstar :
Sympathies for your cabin fever!
from dullstar :
It's important to live a few different version of a life. How do you figure out what you want until you know what you don't want?
from dullstar :
:( Sending hugs and heating pads your way...
from atwowaydream :
misery can be so, so pretty. i definitely understand your latest entry.
from atwowaydream :
no need to apologize for who you've been. regardless of whether there was one or one million before him, you're with him now. and he needs to understand that he's the last person that should ever give you that look.
from dullstar :
You can't change the past, so you might as well be grateful that it brought you to where you are now. He can't hold you responsible for things that are out of your control. Be strong. You have nothing to defend.
from atwowaydream :
i've known girls who's grown small and diminutive in spark. . . i've been that girl as well. i'm sure she'll put up a fight, i'm sure she'll come back. having someone like you in her life will definitely be encouraging.
from dullstar :
Talk to her, and tell her how much you miss her happiness and how you don't understand why she's changed. It could be external or internal forces, but the best thing you can do is let her know you've noticed she's not happy and that you want to help her come back.
from dullstar :
No, it doesn't mean they're bad, but while behavior can change, it's usually temporary because people, at their core, don't.
from atwowaydream :
wow, thank you so much for the note you left. i was having such a shitty day yesterday, and your note made me smile. I've also kept up with your ups and downs, Nichole, and I will continue to be a loyal reader.
from dullstar :
mushrooms...heh heh heh.
from cybers1ut :
You sound as though there is finality-farewell in your words, are you going somewhere?
from dullstar :
Wow...yup, that was my first go-around with college as well. Isn't it great to be back with a purpose? Good luck! You can do this!
from for-you-only :
After over 5 years of being for-you-only on diaryland I'm finally going to be moving to a new blog where I won't be revealing my name or other people's names or where I live. The personal information on my blog has come back to bite me time and time again, and it's time to close this blog's doors for good. Thanks for reading me here. If you want to find my new blog, join my notify list. ~Phoenix
from julymalaise :
Hello, I owuld like to say I like your diary, it is awesome, well keep on writing, my friend!
from dullstar :
I've found that the decor in my little place has evolved organically, and it feels a lot more like mine that way.
from dullstar :
Ooo, thanks for thinking of me re: books! Any books, really, but nothing too heavy (literally... I'm all carry-ons this trip). I'm at 619 mulberry ave apt c, sb, ca 93101. Yay!
from dullstar :
Highly impressive, lady.
from dullstar :
Eee, it's so cute! Can we get a tour of the inside?
from dullstar :
I used the first place we actually saw each other in person as where we met and made up a the finer details. Also, can I hear more about him, please?
from dullstar :
Wow. That's way more than I've ever been able to accomplish anywhere I've ever lived.
from dullstar :
Omg! Congratulations, that's amazing!!
from dullstar :
I don't think there's anything more fulfilling than a day at the park with a good dog.
from dullstar :
Ooooo, Fun! I love the ridiculous adventures that make no sense because they let me know what I'm capable of, and more importantly, what I'm comfortable with. Good luck!
from dullstar :
Oooooo, I love when the universe takes care of things on my to-do list like that.
from dullstar :
Your comment totally made my week And: !!! Happy birthday! Do something marvelous, yes?
from dullstar :
The people who help you through this will be your friends forever. Please let someone help you.
from dullstar :
That. Is a fantastic picture.
from atwowaydream :
it's not wasted. . . depression subdues, but don't let it extinguish. The sun and its reflections will mean something again. spring is coming, and the light, it does things. I hope you feel better. wow, that was a severely scattered note.
from fuck--that :
Are you my twin?! The whole far-away relationship is so hard! My dating-site love affair is kind of a bust, too. Keep your head up, angelface! You might be surprised.
from addict-in-me :
LOL I agree that's a harsh fail !! I ruined a Sabb once after putting 2.5 k into the engine a month earlier. Right into the back of a big Truck. I call it my " SaBB " Story. Ohh yeah and uhhh I don't think you can die from a lack of sex, I am studly and Italian !~! lol
from for-you-only :
Owch. (I see that the words "epic fail" are now in style everywhere...) I've recently been reading a book which talks a lot about how life is suffering, and how to accept that, and find meaning in our suffering and how to become happy people despite the fact that life is suffering. It's called "The Art of Happiness" by Howard Cutler and the Dalai Lama. I'd recommend it to anyone really, but I think you would take it particularly to heart. Oh, and as a side note, check out my new site: http://real-poison.diaryland.com/home.html
from dullstar :
ACK! Are you...okay?
from dullstar :
Please please enjoy the highs of the whole love process while you can.
from dullstar :
Thank you for the kind words--you made my day on a really rough weekend.
from for-you-only :
I don't know if you read my blog anymore, since I have not heard from you in a long time, but I had to lock it because of Corvier. Username: read Password: me
from fatfuckloser :
Your life is going to be great, look at how amazing it's already been. I'm just so glad you've captured happiness, and how you don't quite know it yet.
from floorplan :
mordorr will be locked..i have moved...follow me? <3
from for-you-only :
That's how I felt when I was with Tre, and breaking up with him felt better than falling in love with him.
from mordorr :
it's the simple fact that he doesn't have to settle..he's not settling. it doesn't matter whom else he could or could not have, he loves you. because he's already decided, what it is he loves that you give him could come from no one else.
from mordorr :
'Today was harmony and eloquence and pride and confidence and love; today was the beginning.' "The times they are a' changin'." this made me smile and think of how wonderful that time in life was. :)
from mordorr :
i really enjoy reading your diary
from for-you-only :
Howcome everyone is pregnant but me???
from for-you-only :
I want a girlfriend. :(
from for-you-only :
So was it cool to meet or what?
from mommy4ever :
I totally know the feeling. Its funny how we're all so different but can all relate in one way or another.
from for-you-only :
You'll be ready for me when I get there, no?
from valkyrie1223 :
I have seen the movie (which I did love) but the book is ALWAYS better and what you just wrote makes me want to go and buy it tomorrow. I love books like that to no end.
from for-you-only :
I like the rain too, but somehow I suspect you want the evidence destroyed..?
from for-you-only :
Glad to hear you're having good days.
from for-you-only :
I made it to the first stop on my trip. (716) 536 9226
from for-you-only :
I'm with you in your every heart beat, emotion, and thought, I'm there in your head, thinking the same thoughts, and with you when you formulate the thoughts into words.
from for-you-only :
I've never known someone who killed themselves. That's got to be very frightening to know people who want to die so badly so often.
from for-you-only :
Hey beautiful. I'll be seeing you on the return trip, so it should be between the 14th and the 17th of April.
from for-you-only :
:)
from for-you-only :
Probably a couple days. We got a lot of stops to make in three weeks.
from for-you-only :
Are you crazy????????? You did that!!! without ME????
from for-you-only :
Isn't Marcus the guy I said you should go out with????
from for-you-only :
...All I can say to that is... Shit happens.
from for-you-only :
That's okay, if you push me away (into a wall) and tell me you hate me (after slapping me) and call me bad names (like slut and cunt) it will only make me want you more. ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
Exploring the area huh?
from for-you-only :
I really like your last entry.
from for-you-only :
I didn't mean it that way. I mean, are you going to be "available" *when* we meet. :) My boyfriend says it's coo, what about yours?
from for-you-only :
I wish I could get Corvier to cook. lol. We have yet to buy all the sex toys we want to get yet. But he's definatly the S to my M. You are still gonna be "availble" when we meet?
from for-you-only :
Sweet. Where is up to you, and when I have to get back to you on. All I know now is that it'll be sometime between April 1st and 10th.
from for-you-only :
Is that the guy you said was too much of your friend before? The guy I said you should go out with? I'm glad you've found someone to be your Corvier. :) I can't believe we're both happy, isn't that fucking incredible? Oh! Guess what, dad and I are going on our road trip towards the end of March, and we'll be in your area around the beginning of April. You're going to meet me, right? ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
That's wonderful. :)
from spazs :
To be cool, probably!
from for-you-only :
What do you want more than anything else?
from spazs :
I ignored it because I think that IS the cure. You know: what you give attention to, that gets bigger, it augments, and what you ignore that goes away. Besides: if someone cuts, then they can go to a psychiatrist, right? I mean, they know that, right? Why donīt you got to a doctor...? I donīt know why you talk about it...I thought it was to get attention! I mean, youīre cutting yourself, and thatīs a disgrace. Noone likes that. Itīs unhot, you know? Why should I spend time with someone like that if thereīs other healthy people out there? Wouldnīt I prefer that? Why donīt you try to get attention with something positive? Well, and if you really have a problem, then why not see a therapist or seek professional help anyway...? Isnīt that kind of the nearest idea....??????? I donīt get it. I think itīs stupid to have a problem and seek no help, but....thatīs just me again I guess....
from for-you-only :
I do understand cutting. Actually, I wasn't trying to refer to cutting with my last comment. The only thing that drives me to cut myself is being ignored by someone I love. Before Corvier knew I had an affection need that serious, he 'ignored' me for three hours and I can count 17 scars on the outside of my right knee cap because of it. To think, that's only the ones that show. I've realized recently though, especially through reading my very very old entries that I have little to be upset about. I have more now that I have ever had, and many of the things I would have died for as a child are now at my disposal all the time. It's just human nature to always want more. The whole suffering being a lack of knowing what you want is a general statement, and does not nessicarily fit you, so excuse me if it came off badly. *hugs and kisses* ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
Suffering is comfort to those who don't know what they want yet.
from for-you-only :
Exactly.
from la-sad-eyez :
you remind me of me when i was in high school. beautiful.
from delibean :
God it is like we were seperated at birth, I wish I had read this stuff sooner love it Del
from for-you-only :
Two months into your new beginning, how are you feeling now?
from for-you-only :
Owch!
from for-you-only :
I never knew Marcus was so important to you.
from for-you-only :
You and me are twin spirits you know, living twin lessons while leading opposite lives.
from for-you-only :
That last entry of yours was powerful in a discreat way. ... Thanks for your comment. You're right, there really is only truths. ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
I hold to saying that you're in a phase. Enjoy it while it's still enjoyable.
from for-you-only :
You don't have to be sorry for anything.
from for-you-only :
ciggs are a killer
from for-you-only :
Exactly! That's a very brave step. I'll meet you half way over the next bridge. :) ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
2007 seems to be starting well for many of us.
from for-you-only :
I just read your note. No, I have not gotten anything from you... I think the mail is having issues. Lots of people said they sent me things that I have not gotten. I've gotten cookies from one person and money from another, so I know I typed my address right.
from for-you-only :
I know, and have always known there is nothing I can really say to make you realize anything - those realizaions come from within you. Obviously you've just went through a big one. I hope things go the way you plan to have them go.
from for-you-only :
Awe, whose heart did you break now? (lol!)
from for-you-only :
My sweet, it'll be alright. If you did warn the guy, it's totally his fault. I've been there and done that myself. *hugs* Did you get your gift from me?
from for-you-only :
Hey, I know how that is. When I had sex with Tre for the first time, it made all those before look like fools. But Core is even better - not because he's hotter or has a bigger dick, because he doesn't, but because he's into the S part of s&m and I'm into the M part - and we have sex like wild animals and it makes me feel so complete... People who say sex is overratted just have not experienced what could be perfect sex for them.
from for-you-only :
Damn, your exactly like me girl. I always try to solve problems by fucking, and I have been told almost that exact same line before. Eventually you learn though that sex makes this complicated, hurts people's feelings, makes you feel bad and all that other shit if you're not just doing it with one person who cares about you the way you care about them. It sucks, but unfortunatly, most people are not down with three-way relationships, or open relationships, and most that are, either have never tried it and would only get jealous and back out anyway, or are people who just don't care about anybody. There are very few that walk a path of maturity, control, logic and freaky multi-person sexual tendancies as well. I believe that I am one of those few. Just something to think about. ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
I feel your pain. I've been there. The more guys you hang around with, go out with, and sleep with, the closer you'll find yourself to whatever it is that you really want. For each of my relationships I became so much closer to understanding, and with Core, I think I'm either very close, or actually there. Don't let anybody stop you in your pursuit of happiness.
from spazs :
Heartwarming! As always....hum.
from for-you-only :
I've been going through a similar tangle between Tre, Jeremy and Core. But all in all, the news wins over the old, because we already know what's right and wrong with the old, and we want to find out what's what with the new. ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
Congrats on the class btw.
from for-you-only :
I sent mine late too! lol. I'm sure you'll love what I sent you too. :) ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
High school ending seemed sad to me at first, then exciting, then depressing, then not important... Now though, it's just history. lol.
from for-you-only :
Maybe a present from me will cheer you up!! Hope it gets there before you move... I'm sending it tomorrow...
from for-you-only :
Except for the knee part, I'm SO jealous!!!
from for-you-only :
You know, if you never gave up on life, you could do ANYTHING. I know, I know, people told me the same thing and I was like "yeah right" and to this day I guess I still feel deep down like I'm never going to get anywhere, but you know, just like me, you got everything just waiting for you. It's just that were young, stupid, and as much as I hate to admit it, naive. So, you know, we do things like get drunk and say shit we don't mean, and break hearts including our own. And then, guess what, the sun still shines and the people that really matter still love you. Like me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I await your Christmas present with so much antisipation. I go Christmas shopping tomorrow to find you the most perfect thing. Hopefully it won't be forgotten between your locket and your next love. One day when we meet... well, we'll cross that bridge when we do. Don't forget the phone works BOTH ways! ~Phoenix
from spazs :
lol
from valkyrie1223 :
Thats adorable, hes a keeper.
from for-you-only :
I wouldn't say that it's the BEST way to get over something, but it is easier and very effective. ~Phoenix
from spazs :
Itīs like you are this very sparkly shiny new bike. A great bike. And before you, before I saw you, I didnīt like cycling. I only like stuff because of you. Without you I had no fun! Without you I wasnīt keen on anything. Maybe you have watched this: when two people fight, wrestle, then the one wins with more juice, the one who loves to fight. Who loves that brutality. And see, before you I have no love for it. Like, no passion! Before you wine had no alcohol in it, before you I wasnīt blinded.
from spazs :
Huh? Uhm, for starters: You are my treasure. Some women like diamonds. Like Madonna sings: Iīm a material girl, and I thought that you Mum loves money and expensive things, too. So, the same way like some women are into diamonds, the same way I am into YOU. I mean it in a more physical-material sense. Itīs like Iīm a golddigger, but you are the gold. You are gold to me. I mean that not as a metaphore, I mean it as I say it. You are gold, so I wanna hold on to you. Noone else was like that to me, so I didnīt hold on to them. In my eyes all the other people are fake gold. (Or something else thatīs worthless.) Foolīs gold. I just hold on to you, cause I just do it. Like, I donīt force myself or have a system. I have no system at all.
from for-you-only :
You're so good at making short entries that cut right to the point.
from for-you-only :
True, your life some how sounds like city life to me - I don't know where you live, because I've never been there, on a map, sure I could point, but it's definately different from here. I made that comment referring to how many people keep telling me that this ghetto I grew up in is the fault of the people in it. It is, and it isn't. Because it's a cycle. But sure, the same things can happen anywhere.
from spazs :
Well, *I* am not into love anyway.
from for-you-only :
The ravers I've known are not just into pills spaz, god you're an idiot. Anyway, yeah, that comment was for spaz. For you, yeah, love is possible, but be weary. Maybe you'll look back and say "it was love at first sight" but don't allow yourself in too deep until you know ALOT more. You can think you know someone inside and out, and next moment, you discover it was all lies. I hope for you sake though, that's it's for real. ~Phoenix
from spazs :
But ravers are just into PILLS!! You get that? Not into boys! Did you consider that?
from for-you-only :
I'm so glad you're feeling better, even if it's this Chris dude and not me cheering you up. :) Bright colors, nice scents, sounds like you're ready to be a RAVER!!! Oh yeah, we so need to rave together some day. ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
Jealous she's found a new guy to treat her well. Jealous that it's not me.
from spazs :
Jealous on what...?
from for-you-only :
I'm jelous.
from spazs :
Noone else is pulling at me, just you.
from spazs :
No, I donīt get that a lot. Noone needs me ,just you.
from for-you-only :
You are a soul's dope. For once Spaz said something that made sense.
from spazs :
No, itīs different. Iīm like...high on you. Pretty high though. Youīre my soulīs dope, you know!!!
from for-you-only :
Welcome to my world with that last entry. Except that I have come to terms with a lot of my past. You (don't take this the wrong way) remind me of my fourteen year old self before I began my journey to recovering my own self-destruction methods. I want to help, but I have no way of getting to you from here. Just remember what I said about you having a home here in Buffalo if you ever need to run away. ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
It sounds like a beautiful work of art.
from la-sad-eyez :
i'm glad that your dad was so supportive.
from for-you-only :
Does that mean I've really done it? I've really made a girl like me? That's never happened to me before. And I've never understood, because I'm the type of girl to give someone I love the world, and still have more to give. One day, you and me are definately going to have to ... hmm. Now I can't think of the words to explain it. It'll be great though.. It'll be plain amazing.
from for-you-only :
10:30 is when you get home or when you get off of work? How late are you usually up? The best time for me to talk on the phone is around 11:30pm actually, lol. Tonight, Wednesday night, or Thursday night are all good times probably.
from for-you-only :
Looking different makes you feel different. I'm going to be dying my hair back to black soon. I'm going to try and give you a call before Friday this week.
from for-you-only :
Aw, you called me wise. Anyway, don't be afraid to call me late at night. The worst that could happen is that you don't get an answer. I have trouble sleeping most nights anyway. I am terribly busy every day it seems, and that's why I have not been calling people, but I do want to hear from you. Hey, if drinking makes you feel bad - why do it? That's the same as with me, I don't like to be drunk, I like to be tispy, and only with friends. If you ever want to run away, where ever I am, there is a place for you. ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
Hey, I was thinking about the e-mail, and I was thinking a discmen is so blah of something to ask for. You should use your discretion and see what you think is perfect for me. Anything for my room should be lime green, black or pink. And same if it's clothing. I love technical stuff. I don't like cutsy stuff or stuff that you play with for ten minutes and get tired of, because that stuff I label "junk" lol. I'm into stuff that's elegant and useful. Like, I hate getting people stuff that is just decoration unless it perfectly matches their room and is REALLY beautiful, which sometimes happens, but you know. Anyway, I was just feeling like that e-mail didn't say exactly what I wanted it to, so I wanted to write you this note to be a little more heart-felt. ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
Am I that girl? If not... I'm going to go cry. ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
I would lay next to you and gaze upon you whispering about how beautiful you are, and touch your skin lightly. I'd never leave my shoes anywhere you didn't want them, and I'd move yours for you too. I'd cook, and clean, carress and kiss you gently, and wait for a sign that it was okay for me to take the step forward. I'd be afraid to hurt you, so I'd always ask if things were okay before I did them. I know you're fragile, because you're just like me. And I'd give you everything that I wanted from you, only I'd give it two fold. I have day dreams of us at least living together, if not being together one day in the future. Time will only tell. ~Raederle
from for-you-only :
I hope you're alright.
from spazs :
I didnīt mean trust me as in have faith. I meant count on me. I donīt judge you! Youīre like holy to me! Hm. If that explained it.
from candora :
love yourself first and leave those who leave you behind behind and if they come around because you were once easy for them and they're lonely and want someone who'll cater to them the way it once was, count the days since the last time you really knew you were loved and wait twice that many days before you let them into your trust again... if they ait that long without any push or anger or tripping and still come around, then let them start showing you what someone who loves you should do, which is give time and attention and ask for and take nothing in return until you are sure you want to give something - not out of past illusions, memories, or loneliness, but out of trust built on what you share today... and that's all I've got to say about that, whatever it was :)
from for-you-only :
When I think Ross, I think Travanti. Except that Travanti's fist goes through the brick with no damage except some scrapes. Yet, same concept. Guys who get loud, who raise their fists, who abuse you emotionally and physically... You don't need that, you don't want that. And if you ever need to run away, if you can find a way to where I am, I promise I'd take better care of you than Nick and your counselor combined. Nicole, your writing some how gives me strength, but it also makes me sad. I cried Halloween night too. ~Phoenix
from la-sad-eyez :
weird. i was looking at your pictures, and one of them looked almost like me. but much prettier.
from la-sad-eyez :
i love hinder. sounds like you *may have* had a great time.
from spazs :
For me! To have you! As a cuddly bear! Well, I guess you have wants, too for it? I just want you, want to have you. Be with you, be close friends.
from spazs :
Haha, it means I picked you. Chose you. It wasnīt accidental, but intentional. Like, willful. It wasnīt horniness or whatever. But plan.
from spazs :
Like I said, Iīm very thankful you are here anyway.
from spazs :
With you, I feel youīre not even looking my way, you know?
from spazs :
I donīt understand you...
from spazs :
Non judgemental. I would say.
from spazs :
Cause youīre young at heart and youthful on the inside, like, easy going.
from spazs :
What question? I donīt want to know anything about you. I didnīt say that. I donīt need to know you better. I didnīt say that!!!!
from spazs :
I donīt like it when people look at me, so youīre supposed to be the one they look at. Youīre supposed to take the attention away from me. Hm, but I donīt know what that means in more personal terms. I know what it means when one is outside the house, but inside? I donīt know. Just be like unshy and obstrusive!
from spazs :
I never get that question, you know, itīs like: I am a listener. Oh, I know something I want from you. To be...uh, no tranlation. Enchroachment, infringement. Youīre supposed to be infrindge-y. Hm. That also means violation. Like, when people are drunk, or like you, for example, then they donīt respect your personal bubble and stuff, and have no feeling for your borders. Or how is that called? Youīre supposed to be unshy with me. And uninhibited!
from spazs :
M-hm...OK, this makes sense, and I donīt want to owe you an answer. But I donīt know who I am. I think I am nobody. A shadow.
from spazs :
You are just so unphysical somehow, you know, like a fairy...just giving me things...ach, I donīt know. Ha, true: I want to satisfy you. Ha, thatīs it! I want to satisfy you, as if erotically. What can I do to satisfy you here?
from spazs :
Oh, yeah, alright. No, thatīs good, a question. Yeah, from which angle...look: you are talking to me. Why. Why do you mean me? Why is it fun( or whatever it is, comfort or whatever), when you are with me- I mean, you COULD stay away! Look, noone else ever came back at me. So why do you want to? From what angle. I mean, in an erotic way? Like, I want to please you. How?
from spazs :
You know, thereīs supposed to be a toll, on you, on your friendship, on your being there. On your not leaving. See, and you give that for free. That is...against the rules. No fun anyway. A toll. On your friendship. That I have to bear, or to pay, or something. Why do you think God sent me to you? In order to make you feel better how? You know, for what reason? Cause, I donīt know it. What do you want, whereīs the problem, where is the aching? And so on.
from spazs :
I think that your friendship has a value. Anyway. You have to tell me what you want!!! Just think of something! But it has to be something positive, the result has to be a good thing. Like, when you have it, it must make you feel better, richer, etc. Mentally. You donīt like me mentally. Intuitivly. Or something. You arenīt my friend cause I havenīt given you anything, I mean, not enough. I am doing something you donīt like. OK, just like tell me what to do, as much as you can.
from spazs :
But itīs just a guess. I donīt know whatīs going on. I mean, what do you want from me? I mean Iīm just curious. I donīt know if I have that thing. You know, itīs like: youīre supposed to ask things of me.
from la-sad-eyez :
no one deserves to leave bruises on you. ♥ i know it's hard not to, but if you're going to leave someone like that, you can't worry about what they'll do, only what you'll do. btw...you write very pretty
from for-you-only :
That sounds like something that would happen to me. (Referring to the short entry wrote at 11am at night)
from for-you-only :
I'd like to start with something irrelivent, which is that I liked your old template the same amount that I like this new one. Niether were incredible, and neither were unpleasant. But onto more relivant things. I read the entries I missed during the blackout, and I can see you going through the same up and down pattern I've gone through with Jeremy. Except that during my getting over Jeremy I started a new relationship that has lasted almost two years. But if you're interested, you can read my latest entry in here: http://sir-jeremy.diaryland.com and find out that two years have changed so little and so much. *hugs*
from spazs :
Loooove the layout, thanks!
from spazs :
Ahhhhhhhh! Nice template!!!! I tell you, this chick with the gun was KILLING me.
from for-you-only :
I went to read your latest entry and my computer keeps sending me to the dell home page saying it can't load a tag board. I think your tag board must have an error, and because IE is dumb, it's just blocking the whole page. It might just be an error over here though. See if you're having any problems.
from for-you-only :
I was so wrapped up in everything that's been going on around here that I have not stopped by your journal until today, when I looked at your last five or six entries. I must say, I feel like you are a part of me I didn't know I had. I wish you were single, and interested in me, the way I'm so very interested in you... ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
Well, that's one way to look at it. I think everything that's fucked up about my life has nothing beautiful to it at all. So I can honestly sat that I can't relate to that feeling.
from spazs :
Who is John?
from spazs :
You know-and this ONLY in case you want to know...-I think with your problem of having "too much of yourself" in this, there also could help my suggestion of giving the diary another name. Like I said, like "liar" or something, so that it already implies you wonīt be truthful. I mean, I wouldnīt mind if you werenīt perfectly honest, you know, I wouldnīt mind that at all, I wouldnīt judge! Just imply in the name of the diary that itīs just stories, just made up or something; like that you donīt have to give so much of yourself!!! I hear when you say itīs too much of you in it, I mean, ditto, you know? I think what helps would be to be less honest. Cause if you lock up, then noone reads you, and you get no attention, and thatīs no fun either. If you are ok with this suggestion. I mean, maybe you have a moral problem with it, that would be unfortunate then, of course...then sorry!
from for-you-only :
Yes, I think you're right, I think I am two hours ahead. So, in your time, you would probably want to call me around five or six. And that way, even if it's ahead of time, it would be here between 3pm and 8pm, which is good. I always forget which way the time changes.
from for-you-only :
It's only ever been John? I'm royally confused now. lol. Like I said, I wish I could talk to you face to face.
from for-you-only :
You are in love with love, but not in love with anyone at all is what I think. You want someone to be with you so badly, someone to save you, someone to hold you, that every guy that passes your path that you like you end up "falling in love." And I'm not trying to say that your feelings are not real, because they are very real, but very premature. I wish I could talk to you face to face, because guys are one heart-break after another, and if you give them control, they will chew you up, raise you to heaven, and then let you fall and laugh the entire time. At least, that's been the experience of mine and almost every girl I've ever spoken too. Sure, there are men that are good guys, but most of them are gay or taken. So my advice is, no matter how you feel about a guy, try not to let it get to you. Try to take it very slow. Make sure the guy isn't just in it for the sex, or for some other shallow reason. Some guys just like a woman on their arm, and then they'll go and dump you for what they think is a better woman to adorn their arm. I'm not saying it's nessicarily even possible to tell if a guy is like that or not, but *talk* to them a lot before doing anything else, and then talk to people they know and check up on the things they said. So often I've talked to guys for weeks even months and found out it was all lies. I hope this guy is a nice guy, but if not, I hope you find out before another guy walks all over you. With love and kisses, ~Phoenix.
from for-you-only :
Well, I looked up Iowa on a map, and if you lived right on the edge as close as possible to Chicago then you would be about a two hour drive. You should go to Westwood College - then we could be best friends in real life. I mean, based on your journal and mine, I would assume we'd be the best of friends. ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
Hey, don't forget to call me. ;) If you can. ... I usually just wish on normal stars, but I have not done that in a long time. So you said you wished for salvation, what would salvation consist of?
from for-you-only :
Where do you live? Can we meet? That would be sooo awesome!!! Call me sometime: (716) 883 1075, and ask for Phoenix.
from for-you-only :
I'm incredably worried about you girl.
from wiltedxdaisy :
p.s. i'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. it brings me back to when my grandpa died. it was right before Father's Day & i was planning on surprising him but it was too late. so instead of visiting with him, I got to attend his funeral on Father's Day.
from wiltedxdaisy :
i stumbled across your diary through the members area. your words are beautiful. i hope you don't mind me reading.. <3 take care.
from xxplaydeadxx :
i want to say something to convince you to not hurt yourself. but i don't know what. or how to help you. =( i'm sorry.
from spazs :
Your hurting how? I donīt even get that. Relationship wise or how...?
from grapefruite :
Hello love, Your diary is breathtaking and enlightening at the same time. It's rare to find a diary that makes you want to go through multiple entries without them getting mundane. It's refreshing. + you're the same age as me. lol. ♥
from valkyrie1223 :
I've found you from the mentions from for-you-only and after reading some I added you to my friends list. I want to comment on what you've written but I can't find the words... I must sound like a crazy person.
from for-you-only :
Hey. Thanks for writing me. Watch out for Tony, often when things seem too good to be true, they are. I'm not saying that he's not a good guy, maybe he's the biggest sweetheart, and your soul mate. But he could also be another heartbreaker, another ass-hole, another liar, cheeter, and who knows what. I hope he's the first rather than the latter, but I also hope you keep your eyes open for any signs of him being not so honest. I wish it could be me instead... ~Phoenix
from mordorr :
heyy love, i will be locking my diary soon, so if you'd like to keep reading then please drop me a note with your email so i can send you a username and password. <3<3
from for-you-only :
Who took away your drugs and banned cutting? I think cutting is kinda sexy, and most the drugs I've heard about you doing don't sound too serious. Except, if those are cordiceidens, I recomend cutting back usage drastically to avoid internal damage. I know what you mean about getting your hands on a digital camera. I feel like a part of me is missing not having one. I'm addicted to pictures. Well, it's promising to hear that you're bi. Maybe we could start comminicating by e-mail; it makes for easier and more customized communication. My main e-mail is pitifulbarbie@aol.com ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
Are you talking about Cordiceidens? (my spelling is off) I took those once. My ex girlfriend, Tiffany, she used to take them everyday. Now her whole stomach is so fucked up she can't eat most anything. Anything too crunchy makes her throw up. I hope it's not Cordiciedens, those things tear apart your insides over time. Love your body, in the end, it's what you were born with, and you'll have it until you die. No one in this world is worth you messing up your own body. If it ceases to work, you cease to exsist in a functional way. I want to hold you. I dreamed about meeting you last night. I'm going to write about that dream in the entry I'm about to write. ~Phoenix
from non-fuckabl :
What kind of devine thing? What DO you mean?
from non-fuckabl :
I once stepped into a knitting needle when it was still falling down. Haha, sorry, I know, not funny. Iīm here to help you. What kind of idea to you need? Is your problem that you think you need a psychiatrist? Cause, I donīt think so. You know how Iīve done drugs etc and *I*īve had the greatest time of my life. So I donīt know what youīre missing. I donīt see what your problem is. What IS your problem? Why do you hurt? I donīt get it. I will give you any ideas, only right now do I now know where your problem is. To ME your life looks like one big party, you know! Do you hate your lifestyle and want to get away from it? Then where do problems occur when you try to? Another question: what is the core of your personality, your ace quality?
from for-you-only :
Don't let guys push you around. One time Travanti pushed me, and I fell so hard right on my tail bone that I couldn't walk right for a week. When guys start to get rough, tell them flat out that you refuse to be around them if they are going to be like that - if he continues from there, leave. ~Phoenix
from cheekyash :
i'm sorry but you're fucking beautiful. you told that alice in wonderland story and made me cry. there was once somebody who wrote it down for me, and i'll never forget reading it. maybe you just reminded me of her. but i'll never forget your writing. you are amazing. i hope you can be happy ♥
from for-you-only :
That rain sounds like the remainder of storm "chris" which was a tropical storm that had the potential to become a hurricane, but since it wasn't on the news today, I think it's gone. It rained here too. A good portion of the world had rain yesterday and last night, it was that storm releasing. Pretty amazing huh? Only thing is, it's going to get worse. Next time, it won't just be hard rain, next time, people probably will die. It's global warming, it's for real. Tell everyone you know, the time to recycle, plant trees, save energy, and get educated is now, or else ten years from now, we won't even have the option to anymore. Love ya girl! ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
You should ask John out - even if you're not even close to in love with each other, real long lasting relationships are based on respect and friendship and trust, the actual love part seems to wither away into a contentment *if* there is friendship underneath, if not, when the excitment of new love is over, there is nothing left. You might be right - take a chance and ask him out, if it doesn't work, the worst that can happen is that you break up. ~Phoenix
from voidedchaos :
I once read that "Fear" is F.E.A.R.: F alse E vidence A ppearing R eal. We create (in our minds) what we are afraid of. ~~~ Hate I don't consider a real emotion because when you look deeper into the reason why you hate something or someone, it is usually because you love the opposite of what it is or they are. Sometimes love is all you need. ~
from for-you-only :
Heh, yeah. What's funny though is that that whole day sucked ass except for the part I spent with her.
from for-you-only :
Sometimes, when you need everything to stop, and your own bedroom isn't quiet then it's time to get out of the house. You might spend some time finding a spot that is always quiet, so then when you need to be alone to think you can go there. Here in Buffalo the waterfront is almost always like that, and it's about a seven block walk from my house. I go there to think. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it just makes me lonely. I just hope you find something that works for you. ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
When I began that comment I thought you were going to say that I should leave Travanti before he leaves me like Nick did. The only problem with that would have been that I know that Travani will put up with anything I do and not leave me because he's sprung, he's just a sprung ass hole. ;) But you didn't sugesst that at all, boy you are a different cookie. I think that's why I like reading your journal and stuff, because you take things a little differently than most people, and it's very interesting. ~Phoneix
from for-you-only :
Wipe all the tears away... Because you are worth so much more than him. You need to snap back to reality - your body, mind, heart and soul (and liver) are worth more than this ass. Whoever called you needs to be hit over the head with a shovel, and you need someone to smack you hard enough that you realize that breaking your own phone was a stupid move. That may sound harsh, but you should never let any other guy get to you so much that you damage yourself or your property. I understand the temptation to do so - but hold it in. I know you're strong enough. After Jeremy left me I didn't wash for a week and I didn't eat for three or four days, and I tended to not care about a lot of things, but never did I diliberatly damage myself or my property, I guess some part of me still hung on to a faint glimpse of sanity. --- I love you like a sister girl, and right now your cheek is burn hot because I just smacked the shit out of you. Okay, stop drinking. Drinking your sorrow away is not going to help, it might feel good, but once you sober up you'll get back to feeling just how you did before you drank, if not worse. It only puts how much things suck on hold. Drinking and parting are good every now and then, but being drunk to escape is just not healthy in any way. When you drink for a reason other than to have fun you know you have a serious problem. Drinking to run away from how to feel is mentally damaging. Drinking to have fun lets you let loose for a night. Both damage your liver, but at least one is fun in the process. You're a wonderful person, and you don't deserve a guy like that to treat you like that. Block him out, forget about him, you're way better than him. I'm worried about you, drinking until you're drunk, wanting to die and then going and driving is a fast ticket to your grave. The last thing I would want is your last entry to be something sucidal, and then all the sudden you're gone. No more entries... Just gone. Think about the danger your are putting yourself in by driving drunk. Okay, here's my thing for you girl, repeat this out loud to yourself: "I am beautiful, I am smart, and I don't need Nick. I love myself, and I'm going to take care of myself - my body, mind, heart and soul. To do that, I will not drink, I will not cry over Nick, I will be strong, because I'm worth it." Come on... Say it outloud.... DO IT!!! *sighs* *hugs* You need one, one big one. You're strong, you will pull through, but don't drink yourself silly to try and speed the process, because it will only make things worse. If someone calls you again, hang up. That's all it takses, just hang up. With all the love in the world, ~Phoneix.
from for-you-only :
PS: palmagranit-cherry juice is great! Another all natural juice I would reccomend is CurrantC. It's made almost entirly of Currants, and it tastes great. If you live near a Tops, you can find it in the Produce section at Tops. Also, another way to help you sleep is to make your muscles very tired. Try doing thirty minutes of exercise about an hour before you want to go to bed. Towl-off, get a drink of water (has to be water, even natural fruit drinks will keep you awake) and lay down comfortably. If you worked out hard enough to sweat, get your heart pumping and make your muscles feel the burn, I promise you will go right to sleep. Another thing is not eating within two hours of sleeping, it adds pure fat to your body, plus tends to keep you awake and make you sleep poorly.
from for-you-only :
darn it, I typed you a really long note, and then... it went poof! gone! Okay, like I already typed... Try the following: Replace one carb/starch a day with one vegitable and fruit. (Things like chips, noodles, and bread take away your energy, build fat, as well as contribute to things like Candida.) Replace all fluids that are bad for you (coolaid, soda, diet soda, crystal light) with one glass of water, one glass of milk/soy/slimfast or other protein filled drink, and one fruity drink like orange juice, apple juice, ect. Slimfast can be a great substitute for breakfast. It's easy, controls your hunger, boosts your energy, motabolism, and I think the strawberry flavor tastes great. I would definatly say to at least try it, if you like the taste of any of the three flavors buy a six pack and try replacing breakfast with one can. It made an amazing difference for me. Oh, you know how I know all this stuff though? I google search things like "muscle training" "weight loss" "diet pills" "vitamin suppliments" "diets" "cure for cancer" "candida" ect. Those are all searchs I've done, and for each one I read at least three different websites with decent info. You can learn a lot through google. I doubt you have anything not cure-able. A diet change, especially one where everything is changed, can be a life change. And yes, lack of sleep is a major symtom of Candida. My simple solution for Candida is not eating any refined sugar.
from for-you-only :
Reading this entry, (except for one part that I'll get to later in this note) made me very very proud of you. That's exactly what happened to me after Jeremy, the only difference was that I went and wound myself up in another relationship before completely recovering, but then again, Jeremy wasn't an ass hole, he loved me like I loved him. But yeah, don't get wound up on another guy unless he gets wound up on you first. The worst mistake in a relationship is to do everything they want, and tell them how much they are to you without them giving it back - it gives them a hold over you, a hold that they don't deserve if they don't love you. Never let a guy have a grip on you like Nick did unless you know deeply that he feels about you the way you feel about him. Often falling for a guy who is going to not care about you puts women in abusive relationships, but I'm sure you're more than capable of realizing when to draw the line with a guy, but it's been hard for me with Travanti knowing where the line is. Okay, so the one thing in your entry I didn't like was the part about WalMart. I hate WalMart. It's not just that they are making kids work for them in other countries, but that they are doing it to be cheap. They're products are not quality, they are as cheap as possible and made by little kids. But it's not so much the kids, because those families in third world countries do need jobs, it's just that I dissagree with having all your workers in one country and all your sales in another. It's just not right. And I'm not sure if you read my tag about diet soda - if you look at the ingredients and find what's called "aspertame" - that's the poision. For some people, it can even cause brain damage, loss of memory and the weakening of your muscles calling them to tear. Soda itself is horrible for you though, because High Fructose Corn Syrum is addictive, and it terrible for your body. If you drank on can (just one little can) every single day, by age thirty-five I guarentee you'd be diabetic, no matter who you are. Anyway, I'm telling you these things because I see me in you, and I want you to know the things I know so that you can protect yourself from things like that, and from guys who are assholes. Sounds like you're in for a good weekend, hope it's a good ounce of weed. :) ~Phoenix (PS: I feel so special you mentioned me in your entry.)
from for-you-only :
I'm glad to see you are beginning the process called recovery. I know exactly that feeling, the reason why it's not quite peaceful, why it's not just calm, is because it's that particular calm you feel after a lot of pain. Wait until you feel perfect happiness after this, it will feel weird too at first. ~Phoenix
from voidedchaos :
That layout doesn't suit your diary anymore. You'll be fine, you just have to believe that you will. ~
from for-you-only :
I tagged you. http://for-you-only.diaryland.com/july7d.html
from angel-scar :
hello. I was just wanting to know how much you know about diaryland and how it works? You see i'm having a problem with my diary enteries and template and i've screwed them both all up. All i wanted to do was put a picture i have and set it as my background on my template. do you know how to do that? please look at my diary and tell me what you think? thanks you Alyssa
from for-you-only :
I just read your entry called "love story." (You might want to look it over and remember that entry before reading my responce to it.) It's been about a year and a half since Jeremy left me, and Jeremy and I were together for a little over a year and a half. I still remember a lot of the little things about him. I remember that he can't get up in the morning without his glasses because he can't see anything at all without them, and if he can't see, he won't get out of bed. I remember his favorite spot in the whole world is the waterfront where there is a man-made path going over the lake. I remember the couple times we broke up and got back together, and the things that made the breakups happen. I remember that he challenged me to a board game, and it was supposed to be that if I won, then he wouldn't leave me. Funny, I don't remember who won, but I think it was me, and he just left anyway. I remember all of that. But much of it has faded. I don't remember why we argued all the time, and I don't remember what we talked about until three in the morning. I don't remember his favorite food anymore. I know his favorite animal is a liger, the offspring of a lion and a tiger. But you know, if you really love the guy, you're going to feel something for them forever I think. But over time you grow at peace with the fact that they are a memory and not a current reality. It begins to feel like the memories are dreams you had last night rather than actual events. It's a depressing process, but life does move on, even if you don't move on with it. I wish you the best as always. ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
I tagg you! You must follow the game - to read the rules of the game, read my latest entry. :) YOU'RE TAGGED! ~Phoenix Rules URL: http://for-you-only.diaryland.com/july7c.html
from for-you-only :
I've found myself addicted to your journal. I wish I could talk to you in person and help you. I know one-thousand notes is not going to make you feel better, because I got many after Jeremy left me, and it only helped for a moment. Try to have some fun girl. ~Phoenix
from for-you-only :
Everything in this entry sounds like I wrote it about Jeremy after he left me. I do compare Jeremy to every guy I meet, especially Travanti. I didn't really get over Jeremy until I had been with Travanti for eight months, which was nine months after Jeremy broke up with me. Not to say that I was mourning that whole time, but it took that long to stop crying about it all the time. I still think about him. If you and Nick were really good together, then he might even come back to you, who knows. Jeremy came back to me almost a year after he left me, but I turned him down. Why take back someone who left me and took a whole year to realize their mistake? Keep your memories close, I still remeniss. (sp?) But if you really want to get over him and get over him fast, one thing that has always worked for me is turning the love into hate. I know that sounds kinda messed up, but focusing on every little thing about him that you dislike, and that he had the nerve to leave you might help. ~Phoenix
from do-not-judge :
i hope you get that sappy, love story ending that you want so badly. i hope you two share that kiss. and if it doesn't happen, take comfort in the fact that one day it won't hurt so much.
from for-you-only :
I don't condone tatoos, but I like your idea behind it. I know a lot of teen girls that are total bitches around here who never talk about anything real. So I know how that goes. Just know that you're a deeper person than they are. I would recomend finding an older person to talk to who is kinda outside of the picture. Even if it's a stranger. If you feel you need to talk, then you do. I know talking online doesn't help so much, it's not the same as being able to cry on someone's shoulder. But if you want to talk to me, you can. My aim name is pitifulbarbie. I hope you find your inner truth and inner peace soon, I know that how you're feeling now is like you're living a nightmare. Just keep listening to your own needs (not nessicarily wants) and do your best to fufill them. ~Phoenix
from do-not-judge :
i wish you the best of luck with your new beginning. i also wanted to note how similar we are when it comes to our friends...i mean how you want so badly for them to know how much you're hurting, yet you just can't find the words...and i often find myself trying to inconspicuously wipe tears from my eyes in situations where i have no reason to cry. times when all my friends come together to have a good time, are the times when i end up contemplating suicide. and in that way, i think we're alike. anyway, good luck. xx
from for-you-only :
I had no idea I have so much in common with you! I mean, not only did I read your survey answers, but I read your latest entry. I would read more now, but I'm short on time. Since I have not seriously read your journal before I don't know exactly what happened with this guy who broke up with who, but I've been through several bad breakups, both as the dumper and the dumpee. I don't know if you read my journal back when Jeremy left me, but here is one of the entries I wrote (http://for-you-only.diaryland.com/noreplace.html) at the time. There are a few before and many after about it. That particular one was about a day that he came to see me afterwards. But I know, just like me, you don't want to move on, don't want to do anything but go back in time, don't want to be around anyone or anything, just want the world to swallow you whole where you stand and never spit you back out. And I know everyone says it will get better, but that's not really going to help. Instead of thinking "it will get better." You have to be the one to make it better. Nothing around you (except truly falling in love with someone new) is going to make you feel better but you. And you'll only be able to come around when you're ready. No, don't "act as if" - just get the things you need to do done early in the day, and then use the rest of your day to find ways to express your pain, and then sooth your pain. For example, you can write in your journal to express, and then go eat a bowl of ice cream to sooth. Try to pick a time to do these things when you know no one is going to bother you. I also like to "express" by drawing, dancing, and through poetry. I like to sooth by taking a bath, putting face cream and hair cream on, reading a book, watching a movie, or playing a game. The pain won't just go away, you will pull out of it at your own pace. And if you're still thinking about this guy, then going on with a new one is not a good idea. I've made that mistake so many times, and with me, I end up cheating on the new guy and regreting it later. It's not a good course of action. Try to surround yourself at least once a week with friends and/or family that really love you and imagine that you absorb their love inside you. If you truly believe you can absorb love and energy from them, and they really love you, it will make you better on a subconsious level if not a consious one. Don't let anyone tell you to "get over it" or that "time will make everything better." The answer is inside yourself and no where else. I might be more helpful later after I've read more. Much love and kisses. ~Phoenix
from stoner-girl :
hey, i think your entry is beautifully written and i can really relate as i had a problem with my cutting myself for quite a while. one thing that helped me was realising that as beatiful the world is, i was tarnishing its beauty for myself by making my own body ugly. *shrugs* a bit backward but eventually i stopped and just sorta bit my arm or hand when it got too much. oh yeah and ive tagged you on my diary ;) xx
from do-not-judge :
no thats awesome. i'm 17 too, so it just makes me more interseted. just the fact that your my age has changed the way i veiw your diary entries so now i might have to go back over and look at e few of them again. i think i just thought that you were older cos of your relationship with Nick (i think?) and the maturity of the whole situation.
from do-not-judge :
i've been reading your diary for about three or so weeks now and i only just realised that your still in high school. i seriously thought you were a 20-30 year old woman. exactly how old are you?
from coppersky :
The bubbles filled with golden flakes remind me of a song Muse sang on their Hullabaloo tour- Bliss.
from i-never-said :
Thanks for the uplifting note...Yes, I believe prayer works, too...Will be adding you to may faves so I can learn more about you...Thanks again...
from coppersky :
I feel like I wrote that entry myself.
from dyingsociety :
Dont be a fucking pussy! You are the only one that can make your life have meaning. No one else. No drugs can give life meaning. Only you. Stop being a coward and stand and unleash the dreams you have buried deep with in you. You know they are there. Let them out, and focus on you and fuck everything and everyone else.
from acidreams :
Your friends. My friends. All the same. Dont you listen to them. Its the small things he does that means he loves you. Not the big sacrifices or buying you things. When all you've ever wanted is to be loved its the little things that mean more to you than anything else. Thats how you know he loves you. Only you need to see it not your friends.
from k-314320 :
hey you psycho, what are you up to you wicked witch. you need to see me tomarrow you know that. im here, hanging out with kady. i wanna see you. much love. brian. orin drakul. whorgay. taurean slut.
from mordorr :
This is the-regret.. I have moved, and therefore won't be updating my old diary any more. This is where I am now.. hopefully you'll stick around. <3
from voidedchaos :
I loved the entry you posted..it's so nice & refreshing to hear that somebody in this world is happy & in love. Depressive diaries suck to read after awhile.
from acidreams :
Agreed. Boys do suck. They suck alot.
from oceans-depth :
I think your lovely. xoxo Deja
from voidedchaos :
I think I understand what you're feeling right now. People just get down on themselves sometimes & don't bother to think about why they feel the way they're feeling. Instead they blame their emotion on something in their life, often themselves. I don't really know about you, but if my guy & me fucked & he completely ignored me afterwards, I would feel used. You're right though, you got your hopes up on something & ending up being disappointed. Maybe you expected too much? But then again, maybe you didn't.
from beckers-j :
You did nothing to be ashamed of. The guy is obviously a total creep. You should definitely tell some kine of authority figure. I would suggest your dad, but maybe there's someone else you'd rather talk to. What the guy did is definitely SEXUAL ASSAULT. If Christian Slater can be arrested for grabbing a woman's ass, then this guy could certainly be arrested for forcing himself on you in a sexual manner. DO SOMETHING about it.
from fearless138 :
dland members only
from lovemeonce :
your life seems so interesting and you write wonderfully thanks for adding me
from la-sad-eyez :
i think you write pretty. i hope you don't mind that i added you
from coppersky :
Heya. I liked reading your diary. You have a way of writing that's good. I used to do drugs quite a bit. And one time I got left at a mate's house while she went off for a drive, and all these people i didnt know were just sitting there doing lines. It freaked me out, that I could get myself into situations like that. Take care of yourself.
from lovemeonce :
do you mind if i add you?
from on-empty :
Heyy just clicking around. You write beautifully, even if it's about tragedy. <3
from buffylass :
Hey, I found your diary randomly and just wanted to say that I really enjoyed what I read, though I didn't manage to read much due to lack of time.
from lucid-denial :
"I also figured out today that I'm really only attracted to guys who are attracted to me first." I do that too. it confuses the hell outta me.
from sadreminder :
good vibes all the way.. wish i could do more..
from acidreams :
I locked. If you want the password leave your email.
from snowcherry :
Hey ya! I haven't been diarying for wayyyy too long, but I just hopped onto yours, and I wanted to say that I'm awfully sorry all these things have been happening to you, dear. Not that that's really helpful, but I'm hoping some good karma will get to you. Peace!
from keepingme :
Hey there stranger, remember me? Wow, it's been a while, eh? I should really try to start writing again. I miss it. o.O Aim me sometime... spacychicolina41.
from kaydizzle :
Thank you so much for taking time to read my diary. It means a whole lot to me. Your diary is really fantastic-I see some of myself in the words. You write wonderfuly, keep it up. Love Kelsey
from lucid-denial :
here's a belief that I've always held onto: everyone's here for a reason right? So even if the first 18 years of your life is shitty, there has to be something really good around the corner. maybe the corner's a couple years away, but it's still there, and that pushes me to keep living, b/c i want to know what's around the corner that could possibly make up for the rest of my life so far. cheers
from fairdaisy :
u better leave nick or you will do something u'll regret 4 the rest of ur life!
from drunk-tears :
Hmmm... I'm not sure if you have an e.d. or not, but I'm having a ton of trouble with that lately. I've restriced my cal intake to 150 a day, and I've been exercising like crazy. It's like I've forgotten about si and picked up anorexia. I don't think I have it, because I'm still a fatass, but I have the mindset of someone with an e.d. I don't know if that made any sense... I wish I could cheer you up, but I'm not good at things like that. All I can do is give you a huge hug. Lol. I truly care about you and I hope you start feeling better again. <3
from yoline :
you write beautifully. i love your diary and the way you write. take care.. you might want to check out mine too XD
from lucid-denial :
hey thanx for adding me to your favorites list! # 10 on that smile empty soul CD is my favorite
from silentlylost :
<3 your diary. To see mine : user- silentlylost pass- lestat. If you'd like. Have a nice day. -Courtney
from keepingme :
<3Alan Rickman<3!! Woo-fucking-Hoo! <3 :)
from brokenangelk :
Yo. Love the site. Love you, Katy
from keepingme :
I'd personally go with the sleeping all the time thing. You're not conscious enough to feel or think. =) Stock up on the NyQuill though. Trying to sleep without it sucks... I noticed we have the same quotes for Kill Me Later and Cut. How funny...
from brokenangelk :
WOW! Awesome diary! I love it! Katy
from breakme21 :
Hey, noticed you added me to your faves. Ty. ^^
from chinariquena :
happy holidays!!
from brokenangelk :
hi

back to bliss-sad's profile
recommend this diary to a pal?

Other diaries starting with the letter:
a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

Back to Diaryland

Recently updated
News
update: Still fixing stuff as fast as I can!. As you may have noticed, Diaryland is being renovated, which is still in progress. Bugs are all being fixed. The new design should work on phones much better than the old one, and pages in the members area are being converted to the new look one by one, so they can be tested. Please email help@diaryland.com with any new problems, but things that are already bugs should be fixed soon!
Users online