messages to cactustree:
(click here to add new message):

from ezoa :
Hi my name is Esmeralda. I am a new member your diary ring overeateranom I just wanted to know if there was a way to update the membership. I went through the member list and those diarys that were unlocked were out of date peole were no longer posting or the diary was moved. I don't know about those diarys that are locked. But it looks like we only have three members besides me. I just wanted you to know this.
from almostlaura :
I am so unbelievably proud of you. You have such strength and courage. Congratulations!!!!
from perceptive :
i love you. i related so much to your diary, especially the where you decided to shut your diary off. and i hope you don't because i gained a lot. i, also a struggling co-dependent, 5 months in coda, prolly need all the help i can get. well, just wanted to give you props. keep workin at it girlie. it works if you work it. i wish you well in all you've got goin on for you. love, light, peace, and bliss... -sandy
from pinksubway :
if foxinsnow were locked, this diary has what I'd be writing in it
from seekingme :
The reservation I have about shutting MyexLove out of my life completely is that lingering thought that she is the one. She is the only one that I'll ever love like that. And, sadly, I think that is true. Unfortunately, she is not worthy of that love, but I can't seem to get my heart to stop feeling it. You know?
from seekingme :
Thank you for the note. Yes it's true I SHOULD just cut her out of my life totally. Should being the operative word here. I can't figure out why I haven't; why I can't seem to do it. That is where my anger stems. That I know what I should do, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it....ugh.
from heidiann2 :
No worries girlie...we can have just as much fun getting our sober on! =)
from almostlaura :
I'm so glad to see you are still "out and about" in diaryland! Yeah, right now is ridiculous. I guess if all you do is give, people think that you don't need. Well guess what? We do! And when I need a good cry, I'd appreciate a shoulder once in a while. Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so! And neither should you! Thanks for comiserating with me. Just to know there are "Others" out there is a wonderful feeling, you know?
from nimiiwin :
YOU'RE STILL READING!!!!! Yay, you!! Hope things are going well, chica.
from foxinsnow :
Although I have to admit I'm disappointed that i won't get to read cactustree anymore, I totally understand and I'm proud of you for taking this step. Hell, I almost shut down my blog, too, and I only had one person who, shall I say, is no longer in my life for good reasons reading it! But then, you never know who is reading it... I would also like to say that I started reading your blog regularly when you were well on your way through recovery, so I don't know what you were like before, but it seems like you've been through a lot and I think it's amazing how far you have come and I wish you the best of luck! We should keep in touch, because I'll be moving to new york in a couple of years...
from not-tuesday :
That's the greatest way to think about it!
from xnavygrrl :
I don't want to bring up old hurts but I was sort of offended for you when I saw hothead's new banner. It said, "I'm not with stupid anymore." Well, don't know if it was referring to you or another old flame, but again she is not specific. I think it's sort of mean. Just so you know, I think you're wonderful!
from nimiiwin :
the hell with all-natural hoo-ha. I'm personally a fan of UltrBright! ;) Thanks for playing.
from vina-apsara :
Thank you so much for your note. I draw strength from it. ((hugs))
from foxinsnow :
Hey, how come you haven't written in so long? Like I say in my profile, I check your diary every day! Also, my diary is unlocked again... I think I just kind of needed a fresh start. My email is foxinsnow@webmail.diaryland.com.
from nimiiwin :
Here you go! :) Thanks for playiing! I am a crazy question girl, arenít I? Okay. Here you go: 1.) Is there a book that you just *hate*? 2.) If you could *not* live in NYC, but *could* live *anywhere* else in the world, where would it be? 3.) Is there someone from your past that you wonder about? Why? 4.) Who is your idol? Why? 5.) What kind of toothpaste do you use?
from not-tuesday :
Sean is a good guy and Ashley is a mess. Obviously Ashley needs to go. And unlike how I was unable to get Brandy out of my life, I can easily stop talking to Ashley. I didn't even talk to her for nearly a year until a few months ago. I know I don't need her anymore.
from candoor :
reawakening is beautiful andyours is precious... may you be singing your song (and other favorites :)
from preshusthorn :
i love "the waste land" but i pretty much love anything he wrote. another of my favorites is "portrait of a lady." thanks for the note :) ex oh, letti
from foxinsnow :
I locked my diary. Email me at foxinsnow@webmail.diaryland.com to get your password.
from almostlaura :
Thanks for caring! :) And you are most certainly NOT boring! You know what I find boring? Hearing about somebody self-destructing. It is REFRESHING to hear about change and growth: what life is!
from ginfizz17 :
friendship is much more important than random sex or random drugs. And a free place to stay in NYC isn't bad either! Hang in there kid-o - your new life will make you happier than you ever thought possible! Trust me, I know from experience.
from ginfizz17 :
What do I win?!?!? And no, you're not boring. Your life is changing - and you are growing up - that's never boring.
from xnavygrrl :
You're not boring. You're growing. I'm happy for you..
from herdarlinsin :
Happy Valentine's Day sweetheart.
from xnavygrrl :
oh, no! Don't fall apart in your recovery! You've worked so hard to get where you are!
from nimiiwin :
Ab-Fab, I'd love to do this with you! Wanna talk via email sometimes? I'm at Nimiiwin at yahoo dot com. Are you doing flex or core? Me, flex since I don't want anyonet elling me what to eat! Which is how I got into this predicament in the first place.
from seekingme :
Thanks for the note. Yes I do love to dance. I used to (in my younger years) choerograph routines to keep myself fit. I think that is what I'm going to do again. The problem with dance classes is the ones that I would have to take would probably be boring to me. I've had years of dance, so I'd rather make up something and do it that way. So, that is what I'm going to do. :) Now I just have to do it!
from not-tuesday :
Thanks, I hope it will be. :o)
from foxinsnow :
First of all, I'm really proud of you for flying. That took so much guts! But you did it! Yay!What a great way to do turning thirty... by having accomplished (or in the process of accomplishing) so many things you've wanted to do! And accomplishing things YOU wanted to do... not what society says you have to by 30. that's the best thing of all! I think I will not date all of 2005. I'm looking forward to it!
from vina-apsara :
Thank you for that note. Makes me feel better. Love ya.
from xnavygrrl :
You go girl. You are truly fabulous!
from foxinsnow :
This a trick I learned when I was Wiccan. It's the only thing from it that I still hold onto. When you get in the plane, imagine a white protective sphere of light around the plane and think that it will protect you, the plane, and everyone in the plane from harm. Then imagine the egg expanding away from the plane until you feel that the spell has worked (you'll know it when you feel it.) I hope that helps!
from xnavygrrl :
Honeychild, if it's anything I identify with, it's the fear of flying. I am terrified! It's hard for me because there's lot's of places I'd like to go, but don't because I'd have to fly to get there. I'm crossing my fingers for you and saying a little prayer. You can do it!
from herdarlinsin :
I know I'm responsible for "certain things" in my past. Even tho I blamed myself for what felt seemed like centuries, I know what parts I wasn't responsible for. But it isn't all just me blaming myself for the relationships I have been in, it's others that blame me, and most of them still talk trash about me. I mean dont get me wrong, I did do a lot of wrongful things, but I can't understand where those "others" won't see where they put those insecurities in me. They caused me to doubt myself when the didn't believe in, and so yes, I changed for them. I wasn't happy, but I changed for them and I still wasn't that good. *sigh* Oh well. I guess the past is the past. I sure hope the future has something...
from herdarlinsin :
You know A, you're a beautiful woman anyway. It's not the outside that matters. All of your beauty is inside of you, the outside is just an added bonus. :) I admire you a lot. I really, really do. It's reading about your journeys and where you've travelled through your life and watching you come back stronger than ever that leaves my heart filled with a warmth I can't describe and an effectionate smile that's somewhow become addictive when I read your entries. Good luck to you babe. Your expectations aren't so high that you can't reach them, just keep doing what you'rr doing now and before you know it, you'll be on top of your own world. All my love. *hugs*
from almostlaura :
Hey there. No worries, I'm not leaving diaryland again! I just mean I'm starting a new chapter in my life and I hope it is fruitful...I will be posting all of the hijinks at least twice of week (I will be held accountable to this!!). I started a new job today (full time) and am doing school full time, so I may lose my mind in the next four months ("it" happens) but hopefully the challenge will make me a better person. Thank you so much for caring. You made my night!
from not-tuesday :
I know they are just feelings and I'm trying my hardest not to act on them. The urge to cut happens but I wait till it passes. Something usually comes along to take my mind off of it anyway.
from vina-apsara :
THANK YOU for that note, babe. :-)
from herdarlinsin :
*smiles at you then grins* Youre fuckin awesome lady. I adore you. *makes a mental note to self.. I should email you more, or somethin'* You know you could defintiely be my idol. Yes, I said Idol. But I never said that I would share *pokes tongue out at you*
from not-tuesday :
I know, I know. :o)
from almostlaura :
Gemma is the baddest name on the block! No one has ever liked it! And on the following note, Let Us!!!!!
from seekingme :
THank you for your note. Yeah, I'm starting to realize what you say is true...she will need some kind of treatment. But, as you know, I cannot force her to do it. I can only choose to stay or not. Hopefully she'll do the "right" thing.....I'm just exhausted in the meantime. Thanks for your support.
from jaggedvision :
Re: choices...i completely agree. Gah, ill try to figure out how to enable all comments on my blog.
from almostlaura :
Thank you. I'm just not sure how to rid myself of those who are not adding value to my life. Sometimes I think I'm just being overly dramatic, other times I think that I've finally understood the various truths that appear. That's life, eh? Confusing as hell! Thanks again, you're a sweetheart!
from not-tuesday :
You're welcome. I am here to support you. You've been very kind to me and given me advice when I needed it, whether or not I've taken it is a different story. Your advice is always welcome, it's just up to me to stop being stubborn and listen to you!
from herdarlinsin :
I admire you so much. You've come such long distances to be where you are right now, and I'm proud of you. *hugs* I need to email you, or something, lol
from almostlaura :
Touche!
from almostlaura :
Yay! You're here! I should update more...I am on this damn site every bloody day but do I actually write something? No. Why? I have no idea. I am just feeling like I've got nothing to say. I'm going to try and say more. I definitely need an outlet. Yay!
from xnavygrrl :
Well, I know it wasn't MADONNA that you left behind!
from jaggedvision :
http://labellabitch.blogspot.com
from not-tuesday :
I know I can do all of those things. And the whole going to see Brandy is that she'll be living in Vegas and that's some place I really want to see and she knows that place very well. To see it with her would be awesome because, even though I've gone though so much bullshit with her, she is still a very good friend. I don't know. I just want to see Vegas and it would be very weird to go to the place she lives and not see her. And really, doing something that big by myself does scare the hell out of me.
from jaggedvision :
You are so inspirational. I love your words.
from candoor :
merry happy new year to you and may you find this year's dreams come true :)
from vina-apsara :
You are truly inspiring. So glad I had the chance to know you. Have a great New Year's celebration!
from gettingnaked :
Thanks for your comment, Abby--you totally made me smile--and you're also totally right. Your hair sounds fabulous! I wish I had the nerve to do something different with mine, but people would kill me if I touched the red. You know, I've never even dyed my hair. Maybe someday...
from foxinsnow :
Hi-- Thanks for the note. I'm glad I'm not the only feminist who is a little disenchanted with the movement. You know, even though I've never been a cutter and have never been addicted to anything (besides my meds) other than cigarettes, I really identify with what you have to say in your diary. Especially the self-hatred stuff. i don't know where that comes from, but when I read it from someone who I think is cool and doesn't suck, it makes me think that I must be cool too and that I too don't suck. So, thank you! By the way, you're cool and you don't suck! <3, foxinsnow
from nimiiwin :
Hey, Cactus! thanks for the note. It's so good to read you right now ... I, for one, don't find this boring or mundane at all. I love hearing how you're doing and how you're working and what's working for you. My thoughts are with you, love.
from widyaz :
may I have the password?
from janetplnetoc :
Cactus, you're all locked up! Help a faithful cactus worshipper out.
from jaggedvision :
may i have the password?
from sassers :
EEK! I have been cut-off from my loverly cactustree! This is horrible. Can I be passworded?
from sarafem :
That was the best note I've ever gotten! And yes, they tell me I'm damn, really really good. Thank you!
from widyaz :
Wow, girl, you've grown so much from your experience. Whether you leave your diary for good or keep it alive, I wish you lots of happiness and love.
from xnavygrrl :
We're overdue for an update. I'm just sayin'!
from nimiiwin :
Cactus!! I've kept thinking "why hasn't cactus updated? What's up with her?" and then I looked more closely at my buddy list. I cleared it out a while ago of people I don't really read and accidentally cleared out YOU. Ack! So, now you're back. I'm glad to read that things are going well with you, sweets.
from not-tuesday :
Really? Because I kind of feel bad for thinking like that.
from doctoryes :
hiya cactustree... i found y way to you thru serendipidy, searching for 'what's she gonna look like with a chimney on her' whats your fav j mitchell? mine's court and spark. One question, why cant i find access to 'you turn me on im a radio' on napster? nice to talk to you ... i live in london (uk)
from sassers :
Yes!!! This is great news. I won't tell that you like the Red Sox.
from not-tuesday :
Well, she's blocked from everything now. I don't want her in my life. The only thing I can't stop is her from calling.
from not-tuesday :
I didn't say I was going to, only that the thought is there. And it's not because of only her, it's a combination of things. And it's also not about sex with her.
from candoor :
love the song, shall miss you, may all of your dreams come true :)
from not-tuesday :
I'll never be free, she has a way with me that will keep me at her feet for always. I'm pathetic when it comes to her. I don't know how to stand my ground.
from almostlaura :
Hey! I'm a reader of yours who recently ended their address too, you left me a nice little note (think, uh, "literally"). I didn't realize you had ended your stint at your current address as well! I read your last entry but didn't catch on (I've been a bit "gone" lately, so I apologize for this). Thanks for the note. It feels fantastic to be free of the baggage. Check out my new space if you get a chance (and let me know your new alias). Cheers!
from not-tuesday :
Yes it is. I loved it.
from herdarlinsin :
Just in case you didn't get my email, I dedicated an entry in my diary to you. *hugs*
from preshusthorn :
My quote of the day for yesterday read: We live in a moment of history where change is so speeded up that we begin to see the present only when it is already disappearing. _R. D. Laing_ I suppose this is true for your diary as well. I found you on the brink of changes and now you're disappearing. I do wish I could have gotten to know you before you moved on, nonetheless I'm adding you for the hope of someday. With sincerest hopes for dreams come true - Letti
from not-tuesday :
GOOD!! I was starting to think my craziness drove everyone away. Why are you so defunct?
from xnavygrrl :
Wow..I'll be sad to see you go. But I understand. Good luck with your life. Hugs :)
from phizhy :
(((cactustree))) ---phizhy@dland is locked BUT phizhy@hotmail.com for the password.
from connie-cobb :
Totally random - but I'm a recent NY transplant - all the way from New Mexico. There is a lot of eurotrash, isn't there... :)
from xnavygrrl :
Wow. That really is awful. I know there's nothing I can say that would dry your tears. I am still speechless when I watch documentaries on the Holocaust, so I'd never know what to say to the family of survivors. I'm sorry.
from not-tuesday :
I feel stupid though. For so long I've been able to control this and I let one thing set it off. It's irritating but I'll get over it.
from olivia30 :
thx....maybe someday I will believe that
from olivia30 :
I am sorry for what you are going thru .. I'm glad that you seem to have found some solace at na ... don't give up ... I read your diary everyday and thank god that there is someone else out there that knows what it feels like to want to just disappear ... not that its a good thing, but I always feel so alone and fucked up and you always make me laugh ... today you made me cry. You are in my thoughts
from hotpinkviews :
You have been placed on our problems list because we have been unable to find our link anywhere on your site. If you would still like a review, please leave a note, and you will be placed back on the pending list. Thank you.
from mariastuart :
I was reading your profile: you said that Madonna can't sing! I just saw her last week and believe me: she CAN sing :) But yes, I never thought she could sing that good :)
from foxinsnow :
I just clicked through on the image in your banner of dorothy's ruby slippers clicking, and boy I'm glad I did! I love your diary! I'm a Beatles and Madonna (and Wizard of Oz) fan myself.
from midnightslut :
i'm lez.. i'm fab.. it seemed like the perfect ring... :-D
from livliterally :
You know what? I missed a childhood friend's wedding because I refused to fly...there was no way to take enough time off in order to take a train or bus...I still feel guilty to this day.
from olivia30 :
thanks for responding so quickly .. i am exhausted...mind body and soul ... i will find no peace at home either ... my family has dis-owned me (gay) so I would just be running ... i erased most all of my enteries - nosy people that i didnt want reading it ... but maybe i will continue - I cant believe your staying !!
from olivia30 :
I am asking for words of wisdom ... i included you in todays entry ... will you pls read it ?
from livliterally :
"Should" should (haha) be eliminated from the world's vocabulary. It'd be fantastic...
from not-tuesday :
"it's so hard for me to keep quiet and let her figure things out on her own." You sound like my friend. Don't keep quiet!! Give me advice.
from sarafem :
re: gymnastics and beach fucking volleyball. me too girlfriend, i've been thinking the exact same thing. SOME DAY I WILL BE THERE AND I WILL WIN THE GOLD FOR THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. And look as hot as those volleyball chicks. And have one as my girlfriend, and the Hansen swimmer boy as my boyfriend.
from nimiiwin :
I guess he does sound like an asshole. Overall, he hasn't been ... but on this he's being so inflexible and that makes me mad. I think it might turn out to be good for a friend of mine, though, since I told her to apply for the job and he seems impressed with her.
from nimiiwin :
Good for you, A. Insight is something that most people just don't have. :cheers:
from keilakeren :
Just wanted to let you know I absolutely love your NY banner!
from xnavygrrl :
Sounds like you're going through a lot right now. My doctor put me on an anti-psychotic last September because I'm bipolar. I function well. However, I'm binging. I guess that's what you call it when you eat insane amounts of food. Anyway, I identify with you on some levels. Do what's going to make you happy...is my advice.
from nora555 :
Im adding you to my favs!!
from matthewpv2 :
I hate NY as well. ;)
from drearocks :
just wanted to tell you that you should try some ska! Ska music always makes me happy, The Hippos and Reel Big Fish are two of my faves! :) SMILE!!
from adipose :
a_hathor@hotmail.com write me, hell yeah
from gettingnaked :
Franny & Zooey is an *awesome* book. It's so funny you mentioned it! My ex honestly did worship that book as if it were the Bible. It's the only book she took when we split up.
from adipose :
tell me anything, tell me everything...the sad part about having an online diary- at least for me- is that it is such an obvious cry for help. You want people to hear you. I belive that most people feel as if they are standing in a crowded room screaming, "i'm bleeding!" at the top of their lungs, and no one ever notices. I am so completly fuct up, more so than my diary can express- because I hide things in clever lines, and turn a phrase all pretty when the reality is that I am the girl who is scared of everything, and know that my fear is replusive to others. Now look who has said too much. Anyway, thank you so much for your note. I don't think anyone has ever read my whole diary. I am curious after seeing me laid bare- what do you think of me?
from sarafem :
hey, i think i missed you earlier...the message didn't pop up until about an hour ago and when i responded it said you were offline. sorry! come see me again!
from mr-knowitall :
I had to stop and say that I loved your 'I Hate NY' banner... very creative
from hateyerlife :
funny banner. it made me laugh. and not one of those lol fake computer laughs.i've only been to NY as an eighth grade tourist. all i remember were street vendors selling fake gucci watches and bugs bunny shirts. and the statue of liberty was a lot smaller than i expected. i'd like to go back now that i'm older. good luck on your move. sorry for the long pointless note.
from invisibledon :
great banner - have a great weekend !!!!
from jaggedvision :
(tried to put this in your gbook, but i kept getting an error) ive been obsessed with location almost my entire life. being from a nothing state where nothing extraordinary ever happens was the main catalyst. ive crisscrossed the US (including 2 and a half years in NYC), and i always ran back to the nothing state when id completely sabotaged my new worlds. now, here i am again, in the nothing state, but i have such clarity now, from surviving all my fuck ups and successes. not that i want to die here or anything, LOL. believe me, im leaving once i graduate college. but i know that, no matter where i lived, my experiences and overall happiness was wrapped up in how *I* felt about myself and my present life. im not sure if i had to push myself through self induced hurricanes to "find" myself, but im definitely a different (and better) person for it all. sorry if this doesnt help.
from lovinglav :
http://members.diaryland.com/edit/addsurveyanswers.phtml?name=lovinglav-alanasfirst
from starlight42 :
clicked on your banner...too funny. Love your design too.
from sparklejaxie :
your banner really sucked me in. I might have to do some reading. :) (Though I regret that I don't have the time right this second!!) I'll be back. =)
from chubbychic :
I'm so jealous! I want an iPod so bad!
from glassboxgurl :
thanks! I still need to tell my father, but he's not the one who's going to have the problem with it, we've already discussed it, and he seems okay with the idea.
from indigo-love :
ok, i LOVE your new york banner. i've never lived there (thankfully -- i couldn't), but i've visited a few times. i really really really did not like NYC. it didn't help that everyone told me that i'd love it. anyway... good luck. i hope that you can get out of there.
from olivia30 :
Don't ever forget that you will find strength in places that you never thought possible... Do what makes YOU happy .... I am going thru something similar ... and I moved 2000 miles from home ... and I never looked back ... If you want to talk-let me know and I will send you my email address ... hang in there : )
from olivia30 :
It seems as if you are doing better since I last read your journal ... I completely respect the way your relationship ended .. I don't see that often. Keep reading !! :)
from xnavygrrl :
Your banner cracks me up. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you. I know it's gotta be rough to make the choices you have about your life with hothead.
from widyaz :
thanks for your note! next time i will try scandinavia too! always had an inkling there was more to sweden than cheap furniture ;-) you're one cool gal.
from banefulvenus :
I loved the fresh perspective of your NY banner!!!
from olivia30 :
I am sorry to hear of the pain you are going through ... and I have definately been there .. My diary is locked, but if you want to read it, I can sort of relate .... username/olivia30 password/reveling ... Keep your head up : )
from girl-razor :
I understand how you feel now. Nobody deserves to be criticised for what they write in their diary because it's how they feel, and if they're reading with malicious intent then even more so. I'm sorry you've experienced such horrible behaviour on Diaryland, that's never been what this place was about. Ah well, check back sometime and keep up the good work with the diary. gotta love the beatles! xxx
from girl-razor :
I read your disclaimer but I am a little confused. Why do you want your diary all over the world pretty much (you have banners all over the place), have a comments system yet don't want any made and then feel the need for privacy? Why don't you just lock your diary? I don't want this to sound negative or judgemental, just it's contradictions all over! Anyway, I hope you're well and all. Later x
from tammyscumbag :
Like others before me, just wanted to say that your NY banner is goddamn delicious. The clickthru rate on that banner must be delicious. I really like using the word delicious. Anyway, I've lived in this city my whole life so I know your pain.
from banefulvenus :
loved the banner with the ruby slippers!
from theprocess :
new to your journal. your banner made me laugh out loud. while i don't hate NY, i *definitely* understand your POV. lighting a candle: good health for your mom, strength for you. peace.
from jimmysworld :
Cactus, New York Rules. You got to adapt baby. I mean get with it. Go Yankees!
from rainbow127 :
Oh god cactus I'm so sorry *hugs* I can't imagine how that must be for you...
from widyaz :
Ok, I've done the deed! You are now on my favorites list!
from widyaz :
I've been back to your diary and been skimming your entries. You might just make it to my buddy list! Just want to let you know that I enjoyed what I've read so far. Good luck in your new job (again). Where's the New City? (Ok, don't mind me if you've already mentioned it cos I'm still a tourist at the Casa. Cheers.
from glassboxgurl :
maybe not because it is the most painful, and so much of the time they couldn't care less if you are alive or not. they only care about themselves.
from demi-orphan :
Your banner fucking rocks! It reminds me of Toronto, where I used to live. I got the hell outta there only to want to go back. BTW, I LOVE your template! Joni, Madonna, The Beatles. Can we say, eclectic? I would love to read your answers to my survey! You have yourself a new reader! Cheers!
from nyriad :
thanks for your note.
from widyaz :
Hi. I clicked off your "I Hate NY" banner and I just had to find out. Only been there once and actually thinking of living one day with my man. Be coming back. Cheers.
from sleepystorm :
i love new york. but then again, i dont live there. and i can easily see why you hate what you hate. but still, best goddamn banner on diaryland. :) x
from sleepystorm :
uhm. you have the best banner on diaryland. x
from nimiiwin :
That's my girl! Be a beach bum! Perfect! :)
from yumenomiko :
hey it's ciggy- email me! password's a no-go! porasy9@yahoo.com
from nimiiwin :
Let's do it! Somewhere warm ... how about Miami? Or Costa Rica? Or ... anywhere. Where there is no PR crap to deal with. And disgruntled employees.
from rainbow127 :
Hey! Thanks bunches cactustree. I've kinda needed someone to talk to who's been in a similar relationship, and I don't personally know anybody who's dated an FTM 'sides me. Out in redneckville, not many trans can totally be out and proud because what happened to Taylor would happen to them. Anyway, thank you:)
from dagger67 :
Hey! Just checking in to say hey! I am still and avid fan of yours - and HOTHEAD! I haven't been a very good diaryist - my part time, temp job turned full time crazy. Hope you are well, and say Hi sometime! Take care - dagger!
from nimiiwin :
Okay. I'll be patient! :) And I'm less worried about the kids than the idea of moving to Mt. Pleasant. That, I'm totally not interested in. Gah.
from joalu :
I'm, like, so totally happy you agree on the Noke thing. I mean really. This is what I hope happens in the wake of this letter to the ed: Tons of people a) write in to either support me or support Letter Writer, b) start reading my column like mad and c) fall in love with my column, prompting the Bosses to give me my own weekly space on the Web. PS: You rock. Because you just do.
from livliterally :
Hey, thanks for adding me to your favourites. You seem like an interesting individual! I look forward to reading more.
from gettingnaked :
1. For the love of god(dess?) girl, get some sleep! 2. Don't you just love how landlords spring things like that on you? Grrrr. Sammy's been living with me "illegally" for several months!
from phizhy :
(((abby))) i wish i had those nice words you need to hear right now, but i don't -and i am sorry- do know this: you are super-duper-special & you deserve nothing but AMAZING things. lots of ♥ -me
from gettingnaked :
I tried to leave a comment, but it won't let me. My original comment was both witty and sensitive, and now it's gone. Poof. I can relate to how you feel about Ginger. Especially to the random thoughts that pop into your head. I can also relate to the weepies. The brain certainly works in mysterious ways, doesn't it? One of these days, I'd like to find an 'off' switch for mine...
from glassboxgurl :
I have one thing to say: w0rd. I totally love you, you just like completely highlighted my existance today. Your note brought my first smile of the day to my lips. So, thanks.
from nimiiwin :
Well. Glad to be of interest, cactustree. :)
from ray0flight :
Hey thanks for your note. I love Madonna too... I got tickets to go and see her in concert in June. I can't wait!
from gayteen14 :
hey, i noticed that you took me off of your fav diaries list. i'm just wondering why.-gayteen14
from starlight42 :
thanks for joining my 3's company diaryring. I love your design by the way!
from joalu :
Umm, it's been two days since you updated. How am I supposed to get along without hearing about the cactus?!
from gettingnaked :
I just stopped by to tell you that I am in LOVE with your ruby slippers banner. I have a thing for those ruby slippers...my mom even made me a pair out of little mary janes and red glitter when I was about 5. I love clicking on a banner ad and finding someone I already know is fabulous!
from nimiiwin :
Whew! Thank God you're in NYC! I'm safe around stairs. I bet you'd be brilliant at my job! Or one like it elsewhere. You don't want to do it short term though - so you'd be better off waiting until you relocate and doing something else in the meantime. Email me at barbaras at cbrown dot org and I'll send you a list of great websites to look for jobs. :)
from jerryjayray :
Abby, nothing could have earned you a greater place in my heart than professions of love for Father Ted. Elle and I would watch it for hours. Hours. Like we had all three seasons and just never stopped watching them. Ahhhh. I think "Feck, arse, drink, girls," pretty much sums up my philosophy on life.
from nimiiwin :
:smirk: you couldn't possibly be more offensive than 98% of the "womyn" who go. Trust me. You'd be fine. And if not ... you'd be with me and I'd sic PJH on 'em! :) Or at least I'd try ... she's not that scary either!
from jerryjayray :
Thanks, Abby. I'm okay. Elle is making me feel better with a detailed account of the L Word episodes that I missed, I'm skipping class, in pyjamas, with tea and as much shit food as I want to eat. Thanks for the thoughts - it means a lot.
from nimiiwin :
You passed up a chance to live in Michigan! Closer to moi? Have you lost your mind? Oh. Wait. It's the no-sun from November til April thing isn't it? Damn. Well. Okay, then. Maybe you'll at least come to visit Michigan. Like maybe for the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival. Or else the Gay Mecca of the Midwest - Saugatuck. Hell, even Chicago. I'm close to there, too. Then, I could come to NYC before you leave, too. There's always that. What was the job and where in MI?
from cdghost :
randomly found your diary and enjoyed reading your words.. <-thecdghost->
from jerryjayray :
Hey Abby. Now I'm not sure if I should tell you what the vaseline and lighters were for, or if I should preserve my kinky mystique. I mean, the lighters were just because I needed them, because mine were out, but they added a nice touch to the total. And the vaseline was to make facial hair - cover area with vaseline, put on coffee grounds to create stubbled look. And now my kink mystique is totally gone.
from xnavygrrl :
I'm sorry you had to put your sweet pup to sleep. There's nothing I could say that would make you feel better but I want you to know I'm thinking about you. :)
from nimiiwin :
I'm sorry, pumpkin. *forehead smooch* At the risk of sounding trite and cliche, keep the faith, love, and things will get better. I absolutely promise.
from nimiiwin :
Hi, Abby. How are you doing? I've been thinking about you and hothead lately.
from yammy-amy :
i found your diary on the diaryland ad while i was updating my journal. i like your journal, and i haven't visited new york yet..i hope i won't get mugged when i do come visit
from almost-grown :
thanks for the note, made me feel tons better. ~hugs~
from purplebanana :
It's so good to hear that other people who get this visa actually exist. Did you read 'DIVA' when you were in London? It's full of articles about how scary this visa is....thanks for the love. What shall I do for you in return? Mail you my earlobe? Name my left ovary for you? You just let me know.
from xnavygrrl :
I'm sorry that this has happened to you and Olivia. I think no matter what happens, she'll know that you loved her the best you knew how.
from jerryjayray :
I'm pretty sure the damn link to the damn guestbook is down at the bottom of the (damn) page. I think. I wasn't at my best when I put in the code, so it's possible that I ruined everything somehow.
from yuripanda :
::big hug:: Good luck at the meeting. I know it can be hard to open up and talk to people...but everyone there at the meeting will be going through the same thing you are. I've struggled with eating disorders most of my life. It really sucks. But you have supportive friends and a supportive girlfriend. I know you can make it through this!
from gettingnaked :
Wow. What you said about food addiction totally hit home for me. What you said about not being ableto be friends with jumpythumper because she's too thin and beautiful hit even closer to home. Good luck at the meeting! Group meetings like that are so hard sometimes. Try to remember that you're all there for the same reason.
from xnavygrrl :
I'm really happy for you. I have a food addiction also, maybe I should think about going to one of these. :)
from heidiann2 :
I'm so goddamn proud of you. I've been putting off going to OA for years. I send you many hugs and sprinkles of confetti.
from g1rly-g1rl :
good luck abby, i hope it goes ok :)
from mcmenses :
Hey girly-girl. Why me no hear from you lately? Have you gone underground? Joined the religious "right"? Decided I really are as dorky and boring as I suspect I am? Only thing my broke-ass actually has in her favor: minutes on my cell phone. No money, but plenty of minutes. Call me---I can call you back.
from nimiiwin :
NOw what's the Hebrew word for Thanks? But thanks! I'll take some pictures soon - she's such a cutie pie. :) I have to be wary or risk turning into a crazy dog woman ...
from xnavygrrl :
I hope it gets better for you. Stress sucks.
from regz :
Hey there. Thanks for stopping by and posting the insanely kind message in my g-book. Hope we'll stop by each other's respective 'places' in the near future. :-)
from notquiteeve :
Hey, I was thinking about your job situation and... Donald Trump is hiring :) He really is looking for the people for Apprentice 2! You have to send your info in by like march 11. You should check into it! You're already in the right city :) Stacey
from slacker-grl :
i don't know if i thanked you in my e-mail i sent back , but if i didn't thank you for the advice.. it helped alot
from xnavygrrl :
I don't think you're in the wrong. It's the sneaky snoopy folks skulking in the shadows and reading your journal who are wrong. It's a diary, and it's our place to vent. Folks should get a life.
from candoor :
This is a Happy Valentine's Day wish for you. It may arrive late due to cosmic radiation or sun spots, or some other good excuse. It is no less sincere though. It would be good if you could laugh at the excuse cuz there is not excuse, but there is sincerity, that is real. Hope you are enjoying life :)
from xnavygrrl :
I love your layout. I love Dolly too!
from nimiiwin :
Now, aren't you sweet? Hope you clean up okay. :)
from slacker-grl :
hey just writing to you cause i have no one else to write to.... everyone's abandoned me cause i did something to Sonia that i didn't write on my diary cause.....it's just cruel.
from jerryjayray :
Hey there. Good to know that someone else lacks lesbian friends. I can't really explain why it's worked out this way, for me at least. I usually justify it by reminding myself of how wildly dysfunctional I am, and how it's probably better for myself and the world that I remain single. It would also probably help if I got off my ass and started going to LGBT meetings again.
from dustcloud :
I'm sure starting over at 29 is miserable, but it sounds like it's alot easier for you with someone you care about and are so comfortable with. I don't think you'll die trying, I think you'll end up being better than fine...you're going to be happy in the years to come.
from not-tuesday :
Ashley is 800 miles away and normal can not by any means describe either of us. We've been though a lot and neither of are willing to give up on us being together.
from hate-mail :
We are two girls...the pranksters of diaryland. We will fulfill your requests, just leave ur name, name of the person u hate and want to send hate-mail, and what they did to u! And we will keep who u are annonymous! Leave us a note, email one of us, chat w/ one of us on AIM, MSN, or leave us a note stating who you want to send the email (both of us can or if you don't care). We will also chat with the person on AIM or MSN is neeeded...thanx and...uh...yeah.
from slacker-grl :
awww...thanks love. those words made me feel better. i think i actually shed some tears. you're such a sweetie :D *kisses!*
from homo-bible :
I just wanted to tell yah that your diary rocks, I would love if you came to check out mine!
from yuripanda :
I'm slightly mad at you right now. I really should be sleeping...but instead I'm totally addicted to your diary and can't stop reading it. :) You should feel really special. I usually get bored with diaries very quickly. Anyway... your whole situtation with your ex reminds me of my friend and her exgirlfriend. The main difference however, is now you have hothead (who sounds like such a wonderful, amazing woman and you are so very lucky to have her) where as my friend has to deal with her psycho ex on her own. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I really enjoy reading your diary.
from phizhy :
Don't get scarred if you see your stats abnormally increased in the few days. It's all me. I found your diary last night and CAN'T stop reading. I find myself already addicted...
from glassxshards :
i like the sun, i think it'd look cool on your lower back :) -peace;love;happiness-
from jerryjayray :
Ahhhh. Thank you so much for the note. When I get surrounded by the postmodern contingent I forget that there are intelligent, reasonable people around. You rock.
from wifemotherme :
Why does it matter what Laplady says or writes? Why do you have to "fit" into the gay community? Why cant you just be a woman, a person, a human being? Is there a secret handshake? Do you get a pledge card? Do you have to pay a membership fee? From the outside looking in, it sounds like you want to join a cult. I will never understand this. You have my permission to love who you love -- no sign up fee, no membership oath. You do not need a "community" to approve or validate you. I promise the second you learn to be you, no holds-bar, no apologies, the world will except that -- gay and straight alike.
from girlgeekfag :
Happy happy belated! Do you live somewhere? Send me your snail mail and I'll send you a b-day prezzie! On Tranny Stuff: Stone Butch Blues is really just an interesting read, and happens to have some tranny discussion from the inside out. Can be found at any "woyminninsnsns" bookstore, and the Not-So-Hetero area of big box bookstores. On Bi-ness/Sluthood: First, what's so wrong with slutty? However, one should slut in a reasonable, fair, and responsible manner. That means being clear with folks on the non-monogamy point, especially. Call me and I'll help you write a paper on it. (This, coming from someone who is terribly monogamous due to lazitude/pickyness.) On Bi-backlash: I've heard of it, and I'm sure some folks must write me off because of the bi-thing, but, like any friend group, ya gotta agree to disagree, or just not be friends. Certainly not interested in dating someone who would be pained by that. Would be too painful for both (or all) of us, and where's the pleasure in that? P.S.: Good luck with the job hunt. I'm working on that, too!
from fuschiashock :
thanks for the welcome!
from slacker-grl :
thank you! i'm glad to have joined myself!
from stagepuppet :
you know , i would love to sit down with one of our she now a he friends and ask , a. so hun , did it hurt ?lol- so , b.whats with the shlong?? c. does it really , ya know , ya know , lol does the snake spit its tounge??? oh how our world goes round!! by the way , i love your diary - am adding it to favs - kay - xoxox ashlee in new orleans stagepuppet.diaryland.com
from not-tuesday :
HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY!!
from andreakj :
happy belated birthday!!! I'm happy for you that you get to start over in a new, more happy life, and at what a more wonderful time of year to do it, than around your birthday? Thank you so much for your sweet note in response to my whole Billy Graham and family entry. I was really hoping that someone would comment on it, and I was hoping that it would be positive. :) I somehow doubt I'll ever hear from the friend who I sent the e-mail form of that post to, other than at reunion, but fuck that. I am not going to stand idly by and listen to people make themselves the authority on God, just 'cause they're self declared "Good Christians". Like the bumpersticker says "If going to Church makes you a Christian, does going to the garage make you a car?" I hope you still read my weblong thingies even though i've moved to livejournal, (www.livejournal.com/users/andreakj). I still plan on reading all of my diaryland buddys' journals. OH! and I added you to my AIM buddy list. My name is superradfun (coming up with names for things when in an extremely good mood can be hazardous). My, this has been rather long and ranty.
from ladyvivien :
happy birthday, my love
from bethany9 :
... and anyone who puts dolly parton on her site is ok by me! she is a wise little lady!
from strippedraw :
Good God I've missed so much! Holding debates and everything! :-)
from andreakj :
Thanks for your sweet note! :) All I do is leave you a note when I have something positive to say about what you write, which has proven to be quite often!! :)
from strippedraw :
sorry hun it was a quick job, i'm gonna put somethin up asking whomever wants the user/pass but i'll email you mine for now, it may change. i just hashed it all out.
from bethany9 :
outstanding banner. best i have seen from a technical standpoint.
from mcmenses :
Glad you had a good trip, girly. Welcome back to the grind. Bad lesbians of the world unite! Regards.
from nimiiwin :
Hi, cactus. I stopped by on a meandering I'm-sicki-of-working journey through Diaryland. I'll check back, SisterFemme. Maybe one day we'll have a chat about the whole butch/trans-gender thing. It took me a while to "get it" myself.
from andreakj :
You are my hero. That whole tirade about the spelling of the word "woman" is so true. And your comment about "happiness" made me laugh out loud. Some people just take the whole feminist thing in the wrong direction, our energy is much better spent on say, equality, versus the spelling of a word. :) And you go on being a girly lesbian!! Who cares what society thinks of feminine lesbians, if there is a sterotype for you or whatever... you ahve to do what makes you happy. And if it makes you feel aby better... really butch women kind of scare me. Just knowing there are people out there who could pick me up and snap me in half kinda scares me...
from mcmenses :
Mmmmm. Charlie. That's probably why we don't remember how I became your baby daddy...
from jumpythumper :
buddy, causing a little controversy on the web interstate are we...well, might I had my heterosexual female 2 cents? at the risk of being ripped a new asshole? As a feminine hetero female I don't really get women who don't wear makeup or care A LOT about jewelry..be they hetero or lesbian. Do the butch lesbians make me uncomfortable? yeah, they do. but because I haven't been in relationships with them, I can't feel angry toward them. HOWEVER, if I can equate this to a hetero level: really masculine men piss me off, are threatening to me, and I'm deeply suspicious of. Men who have a feminine side make me feel safe. I don't know what this means in the last analysis but maybe it means something.
from mcmenses :
damn girl, you done rattled somebody's cage! My nipples salute you! Don't ever swallow the p.c. line of shit being forced down our throats by the lesbian gestapo. Fight the power, baby!
from not-tuesday :
12? I'll be 21!
from andreakj :
Heh, I naively have to ask, what is a dykehag? I have never heard the word before. I'm glad to hear that you got to have a real conversation with your ex, and that you at least seem to be on a road towards an animosity free existence with her. I still haven't had a real conversation with the gay boy I "broke up" with. As much of a loser as he is and as much as he was sort of a cancer in my life, I kind of miss the little butthead... Ok, ok, therapy session is over. Take care and keep writing, I enjoy your entries!
from joalu :
Oh, I am such a baby in the world of compromise! How did someone so giving and selfless (me) get to be so selfish in relationships? Common phenomenon? Anyway, I have skimmed through some of your Miss's entries. She seems v. v. cool. And also, I think we are in the same town. WIERD!
from girlgeekfag :
Hello, dear! I keep thinking about you, and it is wonderful to be in touch with you in this peculiar manner. I am so glad that I can keep up with your life even if we aren't on the phone or communicating directly. Being allowed to surf these little moments online is marvellllous.
from loopyboi :
Feel better soon! *e-hugs* ~ Jamie xoxox
from szevenstarr :
The way you talk about hothead, is exactly the way I feel about sirahjain! Grrl, I can't believe I found someone so freaken wonderful. I hate all of the shit she's been through and can't believe I found her by herself. I'm never letting this one go! Abby, don't let her go!!
from iambucket :
Heya cactus! Left ya a message....lol....I have no idea where it went however! Still new to this darn site so I am plunking away. I believe it stayed on your home page. If you're meant to get it, I'm sure it will turn up. Either that or went out to cyberland and some one else is really confused right now. Make the most of your time alone right now cactus, huge opportunities lay for you right now. No, I don't know you, but I know this is true. This too will make sense if the other message finds you. :-) Bucket
from iambucket :
Heya Cactus! Thanks for the welcome wagon! Almost could hear ya rollin down the street!! Long time since I have acquainted myself with the lesbian world online, so I am looking forward to it. Should be entertaining to me at the very least, reight? Thanks again for the welcome- bucket
from thespark :
I run a diaryring/community. I'd like for you to join the ring. E-mail me if you're interested: dlandspark@diaryland.com.
from jumpythumper :
buddy, you know I'm here for you. you have a good plan: keep your head down, do the work, get out. live.
from loopyboi :
Absolutely *ADORE* your banner!!! Judy! Liza! Joan! Jamie! ;)
from wifemotherme :
Sounds like 2004 is off to a great start! Don't morn the things that are missing because of your relationship with Ginger. Hang on to the fact that in the end all of it will be worth the price. Thanks to her you will be a better person, a stronger person and a person who is more in control! I promise in a few years you will want to send her a thank you note for all the wonderful lessons learned.
from joalu :
Fabulous fabulous, darling.
from not-tuesday :
"and start kissing girls that have their shit together". I love that!
from wifemotherme :
Have a wonderful New Year!!!!!
from skribblegrrl :
(formerly known as skribblegirl - due to a lost password *sniffle*) hi. you left a note on my old diary about my bridget layout. actually, i snagged it from a free templates layout you can find it here (http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/notthatugly/templates/chardonnay.htm)
from ladyvivien :
then I have changed my mind. your soul is a thing very highly prized.
from candora :
click another banner and here I am... worth the trip :)
from candoor :
merry happy :)
from girlgeekfag :
The expelled kid was when I was a freshman, & I think he was a senior. Way before I met you, darlink.
from wifemotherme :
Loved your Banner!
from joalu :
Pure ass sucks is RIGHT. You know what's nice? Growing out of my emotional underdevelopment. Have you ever actually SEEN yourself getting older and just a little smarter? It's the coolest thing ever (until one looks ahead, and sees just how much more one has to grow).
from ladyvivien :
Love that damn banner....and your journal!
from thevow :
LOL ok I don't know if I should be insulted by your last comment but I thought it was funny. I told you the 80's were a cruel decade. My hair isn't crazy like that now and of course I am older and um....wiser...ok I'm sticking to that one.
from szevenstarr :
Thanx grrly, glad to feel welcome. Yeah, I've got my own (almost)breast-loving turtle as well. Just waiting for him to come out of his shell... like me I guess. :)
from pantypulldwn :
clicked on your banner. i never would have imagined what i found but i know what it's like. i have a cousin who's a cutter. she does it to take her mind off the pain that constantly lives inside of her.she is only a teenager but she battles demons inside of her, and finally i've conviced her to ask for help and she does. just to be ridculed by one of her parents, how torn you must be inside. my heart bleeds for you and all the cutters of the world. even i have been in that kind of pain in my life but i've never been able to hurt myself in that way. devistation has it's own heartache. i hope that someday you can be truely happy.
from odango-atama :
clicked on a banner, you sound cool. good taste in music!
from thevow :
Abby I signed your comment today but at the bottom of the entry it still says 0 comments so have a look-see mkay? *smooches*
from no-yes-maybe :
Hey, thanks for the guestbook signing...made me feel a whole lot better! Anyway, if you ever wanna talk or you need someone to listen...you can always email me or IM me if you can catch me online! Just let me know darling.
from joalu :
Hey, I just clicked on one of your banner ads and got to your diary: What a perfect break-up song (one that I thought only me and 45-year-olds knew). You're on my buddy list, buuuuuddddy. PS: Saw Angels in America and it was fantibulous.
from thevow :
I have a break-up album. Sarah McLaughlan's "Fumbling Towards Ecstacy."Ahhh the memories. Sorry to hear you are going through such a rough patch. :(
from strippedraw :
you are crazy i will agree with that ;-) and yes you probably saw one of 4 banners currently running. what, did you think you were the only one with a gold membership? :-P
from g1rly-g1rl :
get a tattoo, go on! ;)
from no-yes-maybe :
Thanks for the note. I am sure that things will work out now, we are figuring things out, thanks for the kind words adn all the advice, it sure means alot.
from g1rly-g1rl :
*giggles* love the note you left in my guestbook - flattery so gets you everywhere! lol
from probabebra :
Cactustree - Have you locked your diary? Please send me the password - I enjoy reading you! Hope all is alright and I thought your picture was really cute.
from no-yes-maybe :
I hope you give me your new addy if you change the diary! I enjoy reading it.
from strippedraw :
2 questions. 1, are you in EST? 2, when are you typically online?
from strippedraw :
god damn i missed you by a few hours! after the day i've had, i need to drink. a lot. don't go straight, men suck just as much as women. i need sleep and a really long extended vacation. for life. ah well, it'll get better for both of us. it has to! we're not even 30 yet ;-)
from probabebra :
I just love people who can quote Joni Mitchell verbatim.
from strippedraw :
hmmm i tried to come to your aid on AIM, added you too but you are currently unavailable ... i am "strip raw" if you ever feel up to it :-)
from no-yes-maybe :
Thanks for all the comments....and I hope things are ok for you.
from strippedraw :
mmmm k i just signed your comments and it's doing this weird thing, maybe only i can see it? dunno. said something like diaries are cheap therapy and sick drug habits.
from no-yes-maybe :
thanks for the guestbook entry. That was pretty sweet of you to say something. Thanks...I really needed it.
from strippedraw :
my god just reading your profile shocks me. it's too late/early to read anything more, i will be back :)
from rainbow-revu :
Check us out...we are new and looking for diaries like yours!
from lastyeargirl :
Thank you for joining my Joni Mitchell diaryring - and can I just say your layout is gorgeous? As is your writing :) xx
from rainbow-wrtr :
I really like this diary as well!

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