messages to chakra-nadi:
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from i-am-jack :
I actually had a really smooth and very productive day yesterday. Though I honestly feel the description for that moon describes this entire year so far.
from i-am-jack :
Damn I am sorry that your family turned out to be assholes after all.
from i-am-jack :
That is powerful, exciting and sad.
from i-am-jack :
I have thrown a few shot glasses at the walls when I was younger. I know how that goes. One time I threw one at the wall behind my bed, just missed the window and had to worry about glass in my bed. That broke me of that habit.
from i-am-jack :
The even stranger thing is for a few weeks I have been pondering 4D. I understood the concept but could not imagine what it would look like. How would you go about experiencing that. Then I got to see, very unexpectedly.
from i-am-jack :
That's exactly how it is. It was terrifying. The thought of maybe actually almost being erased from existence still is. But at the same time it has had a profound effect on me. My mind is probably going to be a little blown for a while. I am going to be batting around "I chose me." for a while.
from i-am-jack :
You described the curse of modern life so well. I have done the same thing. Also everyone being in their own little worlds is part of it too. I'm sorry you are feeling invisible in your own house.
from i-am-jack :
That sounds intense having all these memories and slowly going through your parents' house and things. I can not even imagine what a trip that would be. I would not want to keep everything either but I would have a hard time getting rid of it too. That really sucks about your husband's dad throwing all his things away. It's like parents don't think of their own kids as real people or something. My dad threatened to put all my shit on the curb when he threw me out. Luckily I had somewhere to go and was able to take it with me. I hope you at least are able to find some comfort in finally getting your box back.
from i-am-jack :
LOL wow your cat is crazy. Welcome to cats. Pretty much every cat will howl like that if you shut them out, but especially if it's the bathroom. They have a fixation with our bathroom habits. Yours takes it to a whole nother level. Belly flopping in the tub!!? That sounds like something a known crazy water loving breed like a Savannah or a Bengal would do, not a cat bred to be docile. The good news is by the time she is 7 most of this kind of behavior should be over. My cat was crazy when he was young too, but not that crazy.
from i-am-jack :
It has been a doozy of a retrograde. At least for me, I seem to be feeling/noticing its affects more than usual. The last time I worked was the day before Christmas Eve 2016 and I still have not recovered yet. I still do not feel free. So I feel you there. I am hoping that when my disability starts then maybe? But I don't know. It is amazing and horrible how bad shit job land can truly break a person.
from i-am-jack :
Okay that is just creepy how that job is treating you. You outright told them you don't want the job and they still don't want to let you go? Not good. It's like they are over aggressive time share sales people. You should play with them a bit before cutting them off, like try to negotiate ridiculously high pay, privileges and benefits and say that is the only way you will work there. Be obscenely ridiculous and act very entitled. No one wants to hire or pay a diva.
from i-am-jack :
That is both hilarious and horrible that your cat gets in the shower then runs around the house all wet. I am guessing you have a shower curtain instead of a glass door. Maybe you could find some kind of baby gate to put on the edge of the tub? Some cats hate big faces and think they are real. Maybe you could find or make a big face with huge eyes and mouth and bring it out when you shower. If it's there all the time she will figure it out faster. My cat just liked to hang out and walk around the edge of the tub and dip his feet when he was a baby. He did fall in once and never repeated that one.
from i-am-jack :
The joke about the ducky made me smile. My sister lived here with my old roomate/best friend for a while a few years before I moved in. She has a phobia of all bath tubs, something about the way it feels on her skin. So she was really upset that there is only a tub and no shower. The bathroom is too small and all slanty. I love the clawfoot tub personally. To make her feel better I got her "The World's Smallest Rubber Ducky". You could put the bottom of it in your thumbnail. It didn't cure the phobia but she loves that thing and still has it. It's really special to her. I actually do have a tiny white one and a green one. I used to put them in the water to amuse my cat when he was a kitten.
from i-am-jack :
Oh yeah. You know exactly how it is. This whole audit thing is really fucking draining me and making me crazy. It is very confusing and contradicting. I am just thankful I have people to help me survive and navigate the process.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you are taking some time for yourself. It might be more complicated than I was thinking with the money. My therapist was talking to me about how to handle it. I need to deposit the checks then pull them out real fast so I do not lose my medicaid and food stamps. They don't care if it is a disability back payment. You are hood rich now. Then I am going to have to show the paper trail and have an explanation. We are going to say I paid off debts. It all makes my head hurt honestly. Tomorrow I am filling out the paper work for DHS's auditing my bank account. They are such fucking vultures.
from i-am-jack :
You really are getting shit on right now. After reading about your experience with trying to cash your inheritance check, I am worried about cashing my disability back payment checks if/when they come. It will be in three payments but each one will be way bigger than what I even allowed to have in the bank at any given time. Unless you are feeling stir crazy or really want or need the money I say fuck shit job land. They clearly are desperate and don't have their shit together. You deserve to be free, even if all you do is decompress and feel depressed for a while. You are going through A LOT.
from i-am-jack :
You're welcome. I am glad I could make you feel a little better. I feel so helpless honestly. I know there are no magic words but I wish there were. I am also afraid of making you feel worse.
from i-am-jack :
For what it's worth your words are valuable and you are not expendable to me. I am here for the ride as long as I am welcome. I really am worried about you more than I have ever been in the whole time we have known each other. I know I have trouble showing it sometimes and I get sucked into my own life and lose time, but I really care a lot and value your friendship no matter what is going on.
from i-am-jack :
I am worried about you lately.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry you are having a hard time missing your dad. Damn you had an intense day. At least you have your money and you are free for a long time. I hope you can find some peace finally. Life just keeps fucking with you one way or another.
from i-am-jack :
Wow that is eerie and beautiful. It gave me the chills.
from i-am-jack :
Damn your husband's dad sounds like a real bitch monster. Almost reminds me of my mom in a lot of ways. I'm sorry he triggered your husband and is making both your lives miserable.
from i-am-jack :
Enjoy it.
from i-am-jack :
Reading this made me happy for you. It sounds like you are feeling a bit more like yourself again. I think you should take the turtles home and give them the best life you can. Even if they don't make the second move, it'd be the best case scenario for them.
from howlingwind :
No worries - It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. :-)
from howlingwind :
Well that was quick :-)
from i-am-jack :
Congratulations? I think I know the disorienting feeling you are having about suddenly being employed again and your life changing just like that. It really does feel like your whole life just changed. It's a bittersweet thing, sometimes more bitter than sweet. You didn't get to be unemployed.
from i-am-jack :
The only paper folds we were ever taught were three equal sections going horizontally like you do for a letter, or three going vertically for three columns. We did study writing letters and how to fill out an envelope. I thought it was so grown up and fun. My sister, brother and I made ourselves mail boxes out of empty tissue boxes and sent each other "mail" complete with a stamp which had to be a piece of cardboard cut out of another old tissue box. We reused stamps though, lol.
from i-am-jack :
They never make it easy do they? And after all that sweet to shit coercion tactics they are just going to treat you like shit during your last days. Treat them like shit right back.
from i-am-jack :
What I meant by you having a more adult life was you have your own house and you are the provider for your home. You have a lot more at stake than I ever have. Being in that position while being trapped in a shit job at Comcast drove my sister off the deep end. If she lost her job, she lost her apartment. She is on disability and in a much better living arrangement now, but she will never be the same. She is the kind of cracked up that a better life can never glue back together. I don't want to see that happen to you.
from i-am-jack :
You know I kind of saw this coming. You have been reminding me so much of myself lately. The "argument" you had with your husband was a conversation I had so many times with my sister and my best friend old/roomate. And I really have been there with so many things you have been saying. I have also been where you are right now, only not with nearly the adult life you have. I hope everything falls right for you after taking the kind of leap of faith you take when you can not take anymore.
from i-am-jack :
I have done that before, leaving notes on my own wall. You are not making things worse at all. If anything you are going through the same thing twice on a much larger scale, you get it too well.
from i-am-jack :
I really hope I didn't offend you somehow. I know it's probably a mix of my paranoia and a touch of Carly Simon's You're So Vain, you probably think this entry's about you. But I am still worried. Anything *I* wrote was not directed at you, but my best friend/old roomate. I love her like family, and her heart is in the right place, but her own concern for me makes her pry and then she responds badly to me feeling badly.
from i-am-jack :
I remember that. It was like that early on when we first started talking. I had been reading you for a short time and found that really cool and fascinating. My bathroom is a very worn out and water damaged robin egg's blue color with avocado and lime green accents. Other than replacing rugs as they fall apart, not much has changed.
from i-am-jack :
I love it. I am thinking of what you said a few entries back about unicorns and dark flora. That whole dark forest feeling. It's so cheerful and nihilistic at the same time.
from dangerspouse :
Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your parents. I hope the memory quilt brings you succor. What a lovely token of remembrance. All the best to you.
from i-am-jack :
“Hey, you wanna go to Dennys with me and get some meat?” That gave me a good laugh. That is horrible.
from i-am-jack :
That is crazy. The earliest it's dark here is 5pm. I can not even imagine what it would be like being sunset at 4:37 and only getting earlier from there. That would take some getting used to as well as the harsher winters. If I end up staying in this state, which I probably will for the mental health services, then I do either want to go up more north or out toward the WI side where things are still pretty rural. Probably a little of both. I checked my multivitamin supplement and there is vitamin D but not D3. I definitely need to start getting up earlier in the day. I also need to start working out again. My self care has been almost non existent. I definitely need to work on that.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks. It's strange whatever is going on in my head and ear seems to come and go. My sinuses stopped draining and my ear feels okay again. Sleep is nature's balm. Sleep is sacred. But I do over indulge. Time is flying by because I all I am doing is sleeping. I get up between noon and two and it is dark at 5:30.
from i-am-jack :
Those were some really good quotes. Thank you for sharing them.
from i-am-jack :
Also I agree with you on the sickness being better than the so called "cure" and I do miss you when you were happier.
from i-am-jack :
"But I'm OK. That means I am not OK." I am all too familiar with that feeling. It is one of the tell tale signs for me that I am manic. Inappropriate energy or "happiness". That sucks that they are not taking you seriously. I am all too familiar with that too. It took me being taken away by the cops before anyone believed me.
from i-am-jack :
That sounds like absolute and total hell. Violent and terrifying. I really hope you can get the help you need. Both of you.
from i-am-jack :
I would love to see the pictures of your art.
from i-am-jack :
I enjoyed reading about the coats. Almost reminds me of your art posts in the good old days on Livejournal. I want to see pictures of them now.
from i-am-jack :
Your writing has been intense lately. I really felt the scene in the car. I remember those kinds of strange stolen moments.
from i-am-jack :
That is terrible and terrifying. I had a very brief haunted woods experience once that was nothing close to that and it was bad enough. I would not eat anything from that place either, not only because of the rich death soil it grew from, but more not wanting to ingest the energy in it. Your body will eliminate the cannibal traces in the food, the energy not so much.
from i-am-jack :
It was good poetry and it came from somewhere inside you. I love the pictures you sent me of your yard and house. I think something magical does happen when you let even a little wildness and nature into your yard. My landlord has a really cool garden. He plants sunflowers for the squirrels and birds, flowers that attract bees and butterflies. At one time he wanted to keep bees but that would need more space than he has and neighbors would not like all the bee traffic. He is definitely nature friendly. Well I think there is magic in our very tiny piece of green.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks that would be really great to be med free some day too. Right now, I am doing the best I can to have the least amount of that crap in my system. The way they like to do it is to keep upping everything and adding to it, until there is nothing left of you but a bloated out zombie with new health problems from all the side effects and long term damage. I am pretty pissed about the damage Paxil has done to me. I have been two years clean and will probably have brain zaps for the rest of my life.
from i-am-jack :
Also congratulations on becoming medication free. I believe you that you feel completely different in a good way. The low dose I am on makes me feel 10 years older and I sleep for 10 or more hours. I can feel the weight in my system, but right now, I kind of need it. When I first started taking meds, it felt like my blood was dirty to me. People thought I was imagining things. It's amazing how out of touch people are with their bodies.
from i-am-jack :
For what it's worth, I care. I know sometimes I have the emotional expression skills of a toad, but I care. It sounds like you are becoming quite the quintessential magic woman. I have a friend like that who is old enough to be my grandma. She is fascinating and is a proud witch. Her house and yard are very cool and the neighborhood kids love her front yard garden, I have no idea how she gets away with that. Her lawn is wild flower mix. If I ever have my own house, it will be magically eccentric too.
from i-am-jack :
Of course! Ever since the days of being friends with kangaroos printed on the sides of shoes.
from i-am-jack :
I got a smile out of your last entry. Kangaroo shoes. When I was a kid, I went through this weird phase where I was "friends" with animal logos. My favorites were Tony the Tiger, the Jordasche horse and the Kangaroo shoes roo. I wanted Kangaroo shoes but my mom said they were too expensive. This was around Kindergarten. I doubt they even make them that small. Anyway, just last year I found out about the pocket and why they call the shoes that. A co-worker had some and she was saying the same thing, what do you keep in there? A bag of weed? Also I know what you mean about getting stared at. We must exude some weird vibe even when we are just minding our own business, carrying on like everyone else.
from i-am-jack :
My best friend/old roomate tried the Depo shot too and said it made her completely depressed and suicidal. At the worst point she crawled under her futon and just laid there for a few hours. Another friend of mine was on it for years and came off because she wanted kids. Despite following all the doctors orders and being given the all clear, her son was born with a hand that only has a thumb and a pinky. His other hand is okay, so at least he has one normal hand, but it's terrible that the drug that was supposedly out of her system did that to him.
from i-am-jack :
I completely get the government sponsored drug dealer thing. Psychiatrists pretty much are legalized drug lords. The good ones behave like doctors, the evil ones are just egotistical drug dealers with too much power. I have had two nice ones and two evil ones and the evil ones have left probably a permanent bad taste in my mouth. I am getting a new one soon, and despite my therapist reassuring me he is super mellow, I am still freaking out about having to see him soon. That is really depressing about the trees and them not even finishing the job by removing the stumps. Go out there and do some good damage, paint the town. It might be fun to splash all the stumps in red paint, like blood. Make a fucking mess.
from i-am-jack :
I don't think anyone has gotten notifications for notes in years now. I don't either. I just check them when I sign in to read everyone.
from whystinger :
I love a good bun, on a woman. I have known some cool guys who wore man buns, but not many. There is a reason they call man buns "douche knots..."
from i-am-jack :
I know all about drawing the curtains and hiding in the house like a blanket fort. I think it's great that you didn't fall for the evil joke and resisted the scotch. Maybe it wasn't so much a joke but a test, and you passed. You were challenged and tempted but stood up to it. That is strength.
from i-am-jack :
It really does seem like the Universe has an evil sense of humor sometimes.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you both for taking a moment to relate and for turning your notes back on for now. So few people get it, because like you said it is socially acceptable. Polite even. I did not have a problem with it years ago. I don't have a problem with it if it is coming from one of the few people left that are close to me and have a good idea of what to expect. But even with them, I tend to focus on them more and still get a bit reluctant and sheepish about talking about me, especially if I am doing particularly bad while they are doing really good.
from bridrinkspee :
Fellow Cancerian I completely identify with your last post
from i-am-jack :
No you are not paranoid, you are just being street smart. You are aware of where you live and what the people are like. I lived in a nice suburb near a church growing up. And still someone stole my mom's new windmill from the garden. My dad made a concrete slab for the new one and bolted it down. People are just thieving pieces of shit.
from i-am-jack :
That makes me sad that you miss your guinea pigs all over again. But at least you know better than to bring one home anyway. You actually care about the safety and well being of the animal. Cats are definitely a different kind of energy. Mine hardly leave my plant alone. I love my cats so much though. Even if everything I own has cat hair or claw marks in it. I can not imagine life without a cat now.
from i-am-jack :
My schedule is the weirdest I have probably ever had. Tuesday is my 3 hour day. Yes just 3. Friday is my 10 hour day. The other days are 12-6:30. I get about 25-27 hours a week usually. I hate getting up early but I prefer early mornings, I get out and still feel I have a day left. I don't really care for mid day shifts like this.
from i-am-jack :
Damn! That IS one lazy manager. I just hope you never have an issue with someone or something, they'd probably apply the same lackadaisical attitude. I got my review at work last week. While I still have a job, it was actually worse than I expected. No raise. I thought the nice higher ranking boss was going to do it, but the bitchy diva manager I butt horns with did and she took the chance to professionally put me in my place. So fuck them. I have started job searching again. No more joking with anyone in a suit, they can't handle anything less than a robot pissant that takes orders. And sadly I can not really joke that much with my friends either since she has the impression I stand around too much, when both my co-workers are always on their phones and I don't even have a smart phone.
from dangerspouse :
Thank you for the well considered answer :)
from dangerspouse :
I'm curious why you became a vegan. Health? Ethical qualms about meat? Cost? Cool list o' randomness...
from i-am-jack :
Damn you get away with a lot at work. I love it. Back when I was at the hotel, I got away with little. Less and less as time went on. They really babysat people clocking in and out for lunch. I completely understand that none of that makes up for living your own life for you, on your time. Not everyone does. You are one of the few people who gets it. With my job, I know I am lucky to have it, I have had far worse jobs. But that does not make everything fucking wonderful. I ask myself a lot isn't there something better I can be doing with my life?
from i-am-jack :
As for doing art for the sake of art, not money. I am there. People constantly tell me I should try to write for money. I accept the compliment and their sincerity, but I am not really interested in trying. Yeah I may self publish a memoir some day, kind of a more organized version of what I do here, but I do not see it going somewhere huge. It would be for the hell of it not for rock star dreams reasons.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah, I am in a similar situation. I know the feeling of needing, wishing, someone in authority would help. I have been avoiding the news and the woes of the world like the plague though. It is hard enough to get out of bed. I don't need to be reminded we live in a dark, sick world. When a friend of mine almost succeeded in killing herself, one of the things they told her when they released her was to avoid the news. But if it helps. Have you ever heard of or read Viktor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning? I have it, have not read it.
from dangerspouse :
Oh man, Trader Joe's has the BEST dumpsters. If you could snag one I'd be very jealous.
from i-am-jack :
I *just* now read your last two notes. Apparently Diaryland does not notify me anymore when I get them. Even though my email is still the same.
from dangerspouse :
You cradle robber! Congratulations :)
from i-am-jack :
I am sorry. I stumbled on some old wounds myself the other day on accident.
from i-am-jack :
Wow your workplace sounds as fucked as mine. I could write you a book about shit that happened that was way worse than the email I sent you. And yeah, at my job the managers are all in bed with each other and HR. The HR lady is the worst one of all. It's feudalism.
from i-am-jack :
I just got the internet back today! So I will be much more in touch now. For the last few weeks, the horrible weather has been keeping me from going out much. One day my car battery needed to be jumped twice in one day. And there is nothing wrong with it. I had it tested. It just got that cold.
from i-am-jack :
I sent out a package for you yesterday. It should reach you in a few days, I hope you like it. Let me know when you get it.
from i-am-jack :
Ugggh. Fuck Farcebook. I relate to almost everything you said except being tied to my family by that damn site. They are being passive aggressive, as well as guilt trippy manipulators. My mom was the guilt tripper and my dad was the one who thought and still sometimes thinks the parent/child dynamic never ends because he is always the parent, even if you are not a child anymore.
from annanotbob2 :
hugs
from lovestruck-0 :
I came across your diary from someone else I was following.. Reading a few of your entries, I feel like we are cut from the same cloth, it is almost scary.. but at the same time, kind of uplifting, to realize you aren't alone in this world just trying to make it day by day dealing with the same bullshit, the creative lows, and the pressure and grief that comes from it. Hang in there, I'm pulling for ya.
from vinternatt :
Hello there! I coud very much identify with your "Holier than thou" post. I have met many young people like the one you described.
from annanotbob2 :
I'm with you on this. I never ever watch TV news and I block people on my FB who drive me mad with political rantings. I wish you peace and a community of your own.
from moodswing :
"Should I bring my own chains?" "We always do."
from i-am-jack :
It's great to see you have been writing again. It was a nice thing to come back to.
from annanotbob2 :
Happy birthday - I just clicked on your blog as I liked your name. I'm adding you to my buddy list cos I liked how you gave away your stuff that didn't sell. Or thought of doing it. All the best, Anna x
from moodswing :
i love you / happy birthday
from minstrelite :
I really like your journal.
from i-am-jack :
I hope I did not make you feel like that.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry that you feel alone, like everyone has disappeared. I guess I have just had my head in my ass again lately. I have been slipping in and out of a dark place, almost constantly. Back and forth within the same day even.
from i-am-jack :
This was a nice surprise. Welcome back.

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