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I would think blowing up balloons as physical therapy was funny too, but it makes sense. It is exercising your lungs. How you breathe surprisingly has a lot of effect on your body. I was watching something about this guy who played the tuba. He wasn't a big guy. He said a lot of playing it is learning how to breathe right while carrying it. After doing it for years, it changed the shape of his chest. He laughed about it, so I don't think it harmed him, it was more like building muscle and bigger lung capacity. So those balloons aren't as funny as they seem.

from i-am-jack :

Oh it's always interesting going through it, whether it's yours or someone else's. Sometimes I ask myself what was I thinking? Why? I got a little of it from both parents. My dad grew up poor and saves all kinds of things that could be useful. He was a practical hoarder. My mom isn't really a hoarder but she does save memory boxes, something I picked up. Though my choice of items is pretty weird, especially as a kid. Now I have my own weird habits from both influences and probably genetics. My sister tried to tell me I couldn't save food, but I didn't listen and saved the fruit snacks anyway.

from i-am-jack :

Continued... The bird nest made me laugh. My sister and I filled a whole dresser drawer with acorns when we were kids. They had worms in them and the whole dresser got infested with these little green caterpillars. Our mom was so pissed. I was way worse when I was a kid. I saved fruit snacks that I thought were too cool to eat, that of course got all sticky and melted. There's too much to go into here, I have a million stories. Maybe I'll email you.

from i-am-jack :

Ha ha it was funny. Fucked up and funny. They had never seen that side of me. I was just the weird quiet kid that was always nice. I still remember my managers approaching me and saying very softly that they think I need to go home now. I said I was fine, but they insisted. I got the talking to the next day and a warning that it would not be tolerated. My siblings and I all do it. We learned from the best, my crazy dad. I am the "Mother Fucker!" guy. My landlord was copying me one day and got the emphasis exactly right. He can hear me up here through the thin floor. I'm glad my note made you smile. Toe nail clippings!!? God no! Though the boy in the bubble has this little tray in his room with all his beard trimmings on it. I asked about it and he said he puts it down so he does't make a mess. Okay, but why not throw it away when you're done? I guess he wants to feel like there's "enough" to throw away when there's a whole heap. At least I'm not that weird. I mostly hoard things.

from i-am-jack :

You do deserve to be free.

from i-am-jack :

I relate to your last entry so much. It exhausts and drains me too just driving places. Leaving the house and going places really, even if it's something I want to do. Just the level of anxiety physically exhausts me. Sometimes all I do is sleep the next day. I can't really deal with leaving the house too many times in one week. I laughed a little when you said you get mad at inanimate objects for falling or doing whatever, ME TOO. I tell things to fuck off and throw them across the room sometimes. At my first job, I scared my coworkers and boss a bit when I knocked a huge stack of pizza pans on the floor because they kept falling. When they asked why I said "Because that's where they want to be." They were kind of freaked out and I got the most gentle, cautious talking to ever. It's kind of funny.

from i-am-jack :

Thanks! ;^) No, I still have not updated, at least while I am writing this. Yeah my cat is my funny sassy friend. She always makes me laugh. Oh man, all of my pets have had so many nicknames. That is weird that you both have the same nicknames for your pets, but she has a dog. Yeah it sucks, it seems to have died down to just really weird dreams now. Really weird. I'm glad your life is getting back to normal. I can imagine you would be exhausted after all that. Well lately I have been finally working on that hoarder room. It's going to be a huge job, but at least it's getting me out of bed and getting me moving. It will be great when it's finally done.

from i-am-jack :

I just caught up on your entries. I'm sorry about your grandma. And I feel the exact same way about funerals.

from i-am-jack :

Continued: My siamese mix is going to be 9 in November and she has a million ever changing nick names. I have a book I write all my cats names and our "things" down in. Mine isn't a vocal as siamese usually are, but she has her own language. Her voice is very soft and most of the time she whirrs, hums and sounds like a pigeon more than a cat. She also has a demanding jealous whining sound when I am not paying enough attention to her. It's funny.

from i-am-jack :

Sorry for the long lapse, but yes Big Lots is still around. There is one probably 5 minutes up the road from me. I go there for some things, but go to Dollar Tree and Family Dollar more. There is also a Walmart right by the Big Lots. I have a lot of discount stores around me. Ha ha! I hate when feather pillows stab me too. It is hard finding good pillows. The cheap Target ones can't stand up to my sleeping habits. I don't know how many I have gone through. They ball up real bad. Oh I have a bunch of pillows in my bed too and a high backed headboard to lean them against. I sleep reclining or even semi sitting up because I can't breathe laying flat. Asthma. I also gives me anxiety. Now I also have a weighted blanket. It's a just a kids one from Target but it's great. Unfortunately the sleep hallucinations and nightmares are acting up again.

from whystinger :

I hope your Grandma does better soon. Buying property without seeing it is risky, unless you really know and trust the realtor... I understand what your concern is

from whystinger :

I am glad that you are working with a T (therapist). That can help indeed and I feel that everyone would benefit with some therapy today. Interesting that your folks sold their condo and bought a place - most move in the opposite direction. My folks are elderly now and they decided that the house was too much work, so they moved into a senior apartment and will be selling their house. In my case, they are pretty open, but there are changes due to age where I see some changes and issues. One is that as they can't do everything that they used to, they feel bad and sometimes are pretty crabby...

from i-am-jack :

The last few nights I have been sleeping better because I got new pillows. The old ones were flat and all mangled and balled up. I sleep violently and apparently twist them up. Feather pillows are better for me because of that. I can ball them up any way I like and not wreck them. I like them better anyway. I got some expensive pillows (for less) at Big Lot and holy shit it's amazing. One is feather and one is synthetic but feels like a feather pillow.

from i-am-jack :

I know what you mean about doctors. I am kind of scared of my family doctor too. She is kind of aggressive and forceful. I set off all kinds of red flags with her and she wanted me on her radar coming in every 8 weeks. I did it once and decided it was too stressful and pointless. I'll come when I am sick thanks. Yeah my mom was on Seroquel for a while and said it gave her nightmares too. God there are so many nights I anxiously dread/fear falling asleep when I am having horrible nightmares or episodes in the middle of the night. Stress seems to be the trigger. Most of the time Seroquel works well for me. In retrospect John Lithgow's face is funny but it sure wasn't at the time. I was having a bad trip. This is why I stay away from drugs. This is what my mind does. My cat is a siamese mix. She looks like a blue point with some tortie mixed in. She has the attitude of both but I love her and she loves me to death.

from i-am-jack :

Thanks. I am trying to take it easy. Trying. I am trying to get out of bed and move around a little each day. I was so mushified I was getting tired taking a bath or standing too long. I don't like that feeling. I am starting to get back basic strength. There are lots of projects I want to do. I want to finally clean out the hoarder room and turn it into a blanket fort office/art room/chill room. I want to paint. I want to fix my chairs that the cat has shredded. I started decluttering the bathroom since it is the smallest room in the house. One reason things get so cluttered is I have no closets and it's very small up here. But there is a lot that can be relocated or donated. I already have a small box full of donations.

from i-am-jack :

Cleaning makes me feel better, but sometimes I get OCD with it and can't stop even after I am exhausted. I have been feeling like doing a home project and am trying to get my energy back up slowly,(laying around so much for months has really weakened me and kinda turned me to mush) and break sleep addiction so I can. I need to do a lot of de cluttering and might try the Marie Kondo method. I have my own method but I need to seriously get rid of a lot of shit.

from julymalaise :

The Ted Bundy tapes are really interesting and eerie at the same time. Did not see the Dateline and 20/20 of BTK killer. I must though because I’m like fascinated by all these documentaries. Thanks for suggestion. I’ll probably find it on YouTube or something. :)

from i-am-jack :

I feel a little better after calling my therapist. I have been trying to just keep my hands busy and distract myself today.

from i-am-jack :

I'm sorry about your Grandma. I hope she feels and does better soon.

from whystinger :

I hope your Grandma does better

from i-am-jack :

It's okay. Thanks for checking on me. I appreciate it. I am not taking a break purposely. If anything, I want to write it's just not happening. For a lot of reasons. I am struggling just to get out of bed most days anymore. This is the longest funk I have been in in years. I read your entry about the vacation condo. I was always the last to know everything too. I was very sheltered and shielded. But even when I was aware of what was going on, my opinion and my siblings opinions were nothing. We weren't even considered. We were the bottom of the pack and had no say and were reminded of that.

from se7enchance :

You say you're seeking answers that aren't forthcoming. It sounds similar to the depression and unhappiness that you're experiencing, perpetually. What answers do you need? It's understandable, your fatigue, in seeing no end in sight. That's very hard. It requires a total paradigm shift to cope. There are people who care. We're here, and we see you. Y'know?

from i-am-jack :

I'm sorry that I have not been around that much lately. I have been having a really hard time for weeks. Maybe months now. Your last note wasn't dramatic, I really liked it. It all started with me with my family too. I never got to have a self growing up. Neither did my sister. "We were lost- not cared about but controlled....a confusing occurrence the mind cant wrap around." That is it exactly. I know all about control, manipulation/guilt trips. It was like growing up in a mini cult half the time and like Lord of the Flies the other half of the time.

from whystinger :

I listened to the newscaster and it doesn't sound good, but as I have had voice problems since that surgery, sometimes my mind and vocal cord seems to become unhooked. An example is I am thinking I need to tell them "sharpen your pencil" but it comes out as "throw your pencil in the trash." I say "I didn't mean to say that, I meant to say that I'm going to throw your pencil in the trash..." I then say "lemme try again. Please sharpen your pencil. I don't know where the trash part comes from." I will say that even before my voice problems, I would make some minor flubs and slip ups, once telling a friend at his Dad's funeral something that came out horrible. I had intended to say "Let's wait until your Dad's funeral is over and things aren't so busy for your family, then I'll work with your manager..." Instead I blurted out "Let's wait until this blows over, then I'll work with your manager..." It came out of my mouth and I was horrified. I know that I was nervous and had met some people I didn't know...

from whystinger :

I never figured out what the weatherman said that got him fired.

from se7enchance :

That sounds really difficult, and perpetually demoralizing. I'm so sorry you have to struggle every day. How do you manage?

from se7enchance :

Mostly just polite- but direct- interest from having read your entry on the 30th. Have you not found it, what you're hoping to find, recently?

from i-am-jack :

"Not a failure, but a fighter. And i dont know why". I really like that. It's very poetic. Also it's healthy to know your limitations and to set boundaries.

from se7enchance :

What kind of connection are you trying to find, here? Why?

from i-am-jack :

Hey sorry I have not been around. I have been sick the last several days and was fighting something for over a week before it finally took me out. Sometimes I lose track of time too. I dissociate and can't even remember where a week went. Before I got sick I was caught up in sleep addiction and OCD cleaning and Youtube addiction; that usually means I just don't want to think for one reason or another. I'm sorry if I added to your loneliness and wanting to quit the site. I don't always comment, (sometimes I have such bad anxiety/writers block/freeze up when I attempt to communicate that I can't or don't) but I read every time I see you've updated. I would miss you.

from i-am-jack :

I haven't seen that episode in a long time, but he is so OCD/germaphobic that he probably would roll around the world in a clear plastic human hamster ball if he could. Instead that hamster ball is his car and his house that he holes up in even more than most people in the winter. My other friend the Yoga instructor is the opposite and a total adventurer. He takes some long bike rides so the cookies aren't a problem at all. I do like the raw sushi, I don't like hot rolls at all. And I love Panera's scones in the morning.

from julymalaise :

Thank you and I'm glad you liked the beast mode part. I'm getting there! lol! I hope you are doing good, my friend.

from i-am-jack :

Subway! LOL yuck. This is funny to be because my OCD germaphobe friend I call the Boy in the Bubble lived off it for years. Often more than once a day. He was there so much, he helped train new people on the register and knew the place like he was the manager. Yeah... My friend and I ate our share of crap too, but we did get sushi and I took him to the best Middle Eastern restaurant here that bakes fresh bread instead of a basket of crappy rolls. I am actually in the trendy restaurant district, so we had lots to pick from but I took him to the best places. We also had Panera bread and Tim Hortons and for a Yoga instructor he sure can pack away cookies with child like glee. It was fun.

from i-am-jack :

We pretty much just chilled, hung out around town and went out to eat a lot. It really did feel like going on vacation from home for me. I don't get out much anymore and see people even less.

from i-am-jack :

Sorry I fell off the map for a bit there, I had a friend from out of town come and stay for a few days and kind of went on vacation in my own back yard sorta speak. Now I am trying to come back from that vacation drop feeling. Just caught up on your entries, I'm glad that you are doing what you have to do to take care of you. Holidays and living at home or not.

from i-am-jack :

(2) I am writing you an email here, but oh well. Thanks about the food. My landlord brought me some, they actually had real food this year. And my neighbors sent over a plate too. If I had kids, I would be torn about Santa. How long do kids even believe anymore with the Internet now? It could fuck them up if they were young enough and stumbled on the wrong video on Youtube or something. Kids aren't kids that long anymore. I hope you are okay Saturday. The pressure and guilt are real. It sounds bad, but one thing I am thankful for is my dysfunctional family finally falling apart to the point I hardly have holidays to deal with anymore.

from i-am-jack :

Well I did the same thing last year, but I ended up feeling bad about it and unexpectedly sentimental about some unattainable holiday fantasy that I actually wanted more than staying in. I was really vague and weird with my landlord about not wanting go with him, rather than just outright saying it. It wasn't quite lying by omission, I didn't say I had plans, but kind of acted like I did when we both knew I didn't. Because of that pressure! I have never participated in Black Friday even online. I wanted to when I was a kid and first heard about it. But even my manic shopaholic mother said hell no! That was when I knew it was bad. Really bad. That's insane that the average person blows $1000!? It's like somehow the corporations activate the center in the brain that gets gambling addicts going and keep stimulating it for a few months until the season ends. That's horrible that the manager was such an asshole to you. I would have done the same. I have never heard of the bag thing either. So you only get one bag? That's one way to limit quantities. Damn. They have so many shady ass tricks. Usually they only have one or two of the big ticket items they advertise as their nut buster sales. They just want to heard the masses in.

from julymalaise :

U-cherry P-almonds Enjoy!

from julymalaise :

Do you mind if I email it to you or if you're not comfortable. I can send a note and you can delete it once you get it? Either way works!

from i-am-jack :

Thank you. I relate so much. My siblings and I grew up with everything we needed physically. But it ended there. My dad was a good provider but he was also extremely violent and abusive. My mom was bipolar and a total pill head druggy. She has been absent most of my life. She'd just get high and hide in bed. They both abused us at pretty much every level. We all turned out fucked up. We were ignored, emotionally abused and neglected. My therapist told me too that it was them, not us. It is hard to live with and as the consequences of their actions. You put it really well about the incline and slipping more than we get ahead.

from julymalaise :

Nice to meet you too! If you want, you can have a password to my diary! :)

from i-am-jack :

I just read your note on here. It's okay. And I know all too well what it's like to hate yourself, not trust yourself and berate yourself. It really does take over. I don't think it ever really stops for me but varies in intensity. You're right though, we can't hate ourselves and survive.

from cherrygash :

Ya, in my opinion movies arent as good as they used to be. I havent really kept up. Sorry i havent written you back on email. Have a lot of anxiety right now and all i want to do is sleep.

from i-am-jack :

I am not much of a movie person, but Fight Club is my soul movie.

from i-am-jack :

I hope your cat is okay and just having allergies or a cold. Also I never heard of a calico lobster either. I looked it up. They shouldn't eat it. It should be released or taken to an aquarium museum/zoo I can't think of what that kind of place is called.

from i-am-jack :

The picture is Fight Club fan art that I found on the Internet. Don't worry it's not your ex. ;^) That picture is kind of a classic and has been re-made a million times. https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1&biw=1366&bih=632&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=iN-4W8XmH-zHjwS5uJiwBQ&q=fight+club+narrator&oq=fight+club+narrator&gs_l=img.3..0l3j0i8i30j0i24l6.371740.374457..374755...0.0..0.106.812.8j1......0....1..gws-wiz-img.......0i67j0i5i30.LyHrkLoZvUM#imgrc=FxhLhSevyJ2yrM:

from julymalaise :

Hi, I've been reading you for quite some time and I wanted to know if I could add you?

from i-am-jack :

Thanks. I thought it was impressive. I think I have above average hearing, but I wouldn't say it was super. My sister has freakish dog like hearing. We both took this online frequency hearing test, and she heard quite a few more cycles than me. That test is both painful and nauseating and we both had to take a few breaks, but took it until the sound dropped out for us. It sounds like you have super hearing. I'm glad you were able to find your cats and save them. If you chime in to the doctors, you'll blow your cover, but I would be tempted too.

from i-am-jack :

It's okay. I know how med peaking time feels. It sneaks up on you and suddenly you can't think straight. Ha ha, half warlock. I'm not sure about that, but yes I have been known to have some uncanny abilities. I have used the image locating technique many times, successfully. The hardest part is keeping your head clear. If you are trying too hard to find it, or are full of anxiety, desperation or any other thoughts and feelings it won't work. Also if the object is actually gone, you are not going to be able to find it. I have had a lot of success with this technique though. One time I tracked the source of an obnoxious sound and found it about 5 blocks away. I had no idea who was doing it or what to imagine, so I locked onto the sound itself and my desire to get into it with the fucker making it. Even being that unhinged, I followed my feet for 5 blocks and found it was only construction workers not the local idiots again. I just walked back home, impressed with myself that I indeed hunted them down like a dog.

from i-am-jack :

Thanks. I have used humor and sarcasm to deal with life for a long time. They are really harassing me about this whole "Ticket to Work" shit. Not only did I get the letter, but then the aggressive phone call. And it was very aggressive. You are not rambling at all, it's comforting that someone can relate. It's all so true. We are our own worst critics and it is completely learned behavior programmed into us by assholes. That doesn't make it any easier to stop. It might never go away. It might be a matter of catching it and seeing it for what it is. Easier said than done. I am horrible to myself. I am in a highly abusive relationship with myself. I would never treat anyone else this bad.

from i-am-jack :

Damn that really sucks about your wallet. Really sucks. I would be freaking out too. This might sound crazy but try clearing your mind of all thoughts and focusing only on a mental picture of it and then let your body go into a meditative auto pilot state. Don't over think or second guess. If you start feeling pulled head that way but still don't over think. It can take several to get you where you are going. If it's around you might find it. My uncle taught me this and I have used it to find things and even people in a store or crowd I got separated from.

from i-am-jack :

I got your note and sent you a test message. Look for a message saying "It's Jack".

from i-am-jack :

I relate so much about the holidays, New Years, another year, birthdays all that crap. I'm sorry you are still sick on vacation, that must really suck. Not only not having much of a vacation, but also not even being able to be in your own bed. I got sick on vacation twice. Luckily both times it passed in a day or two and I was able to enjoy the rest of it. I hope you feel better soon.

from i-am-jack :

Thanks for letting me know. Email me when you can. If you can. I am hanging in there. Lately it has been one thing after another with about a week's worth of shutdown/recovery time then the next battle. I'm sorry your family is sick on vacation, it sounds like you are making the best of it though.

from i-am-jack :

I sent you a test email let me know if you get it.

from i-am-jack :

Just letting you know I got your note. I was going to email you, when I realized I am not sure what your address is. There is one in my contacts that might be you. I deleted the note you left me when you wanted a password. I'll explain this better in email.

from whystinger :

Are you being treated for your depression?

from whystinger :

Keep fighting to get healthy. Work on some of the little things. did you know that depression can trigger illnesses like some of what you are going through? Get yourself on a good exercise program, even if it is only taking a brisk walk every night for a mile. Do this for six weeks and see how you feel (yes, I NEED to do this too). My ex had back problems and a few other issues and she had surgery to relieve the back pain - Dr. told her if she wanted to remain pain free, to simply walk one mile 3 times a week. When she would walk the pain would go away (after walking for a few days). When she didn't walk, the pain returned along with other pains, aches and mysterious illnesses. Because of watching her go through this, I started to notice when depression creeps into my life, I begin to get aches, pains and mysterious little illnesses. When I notice, I begin to amp up my self care regimen and it works. LOL, about running away, perhaps you should run away and start a new life? Sometimes a change of scenery helps a lot, plus cutting out those who trigger us...

from whystinger :

Just saw your two messages. This is from the older one - I love my parents, but they too, think they are still raising me. You are setting boundaries, good for you. I have difficulty with that and that spilled over to my marriage. I have learned to set boundaries and am still working on that, but I can't seem to do that with my folks. I don't feel as bad about that as my Sister can't set those boundaries either. My folks are in their 80s and I am lucky that they are in as good a shape as they are. I have to say, I think you are on the right track! Keep working and moving ahead. I would agree, you are a good person and are just dealing with some setbacks. I sort of understand because my health issues are setbacks for me... Sorry to leave multiple notes today.

from whystinger :

You started seeing spots and your hearing went in and out. I know that well too and yes, it is normal and doesn't mean you are a wuss. I had that happen at the urologist's office what, two years ago? That is when they had just shoved a hose up my urethra and then taught me to self catheter. The nurse who was teaching me was not that experienced and the story is longer and funny now. The blood, pain and fear got me and I told them I needed to lay down... they didn't let me and after I passed out, they sent me via ambulance to the hospital. The worse thing about this is the urologist's office is at the hospital, so the ambulance took me from one door to another door. That was bullshit and I found a much better urologist because of it. As your ENT knew what to do and did it, tells me they are a lot better than my former urologist. If the Prozac isn't working for you, ask the psychiatrist and perhaps try a different medicine or is that the best one for you? A different med may help your sleep too. I have been having sleep issues and I am really unhappy about it. but I am working on it.

from i-am-jack :

I want to spend my life with people who love and respect me too and I definitely don't get it from some members of my dysfunctional family either. It's a really hard thing to accept and even harder to live with. I hope you can build yourself a new chosen family of people who do.

from whystinger :

BTW, got your note. Funny that anesthesia can knock the shit out of us for a longer time than it puts us "under." When I went in for my surgery, my Dad pulled me aside and told me "this will affect you longer than you realize now." and went on to tell me how long it took my Mom to recover from her surgery. I figured it was all due to the severity of her surgery, but I now realize some of it was because of how long she was under the anesthesia.

from whystinger :

I don't know your Mom and I'm not a professional therapist but from the few things I have read, she could have some problems and that is why its "never her fault." I don't know her age, but it also sound like she's part of the generation that didn't talk about "those things" (like my parents) and that makes life more difficult. You are't going to change her, so see if you can respond differently and see if things change. "You can't change her, but you can change your response to her." Easier said than done but it can be done.

from whystinger :

Good to hear that the surgery went well. Make sure you give yourself time to heal and time for the anesthesia to leave your body. I thought I felt fine after my surgeries, but it really exhausts a person. I didn't believe it until after my surgeries and I still don't feel like doing much... so take the time to heal.

from i-am-jack :

Stay strong.

from whystinger :

Glad you are feeling a bit better and are back here.

from lollirottt :

I've sent you some emails. Reply soon please.

from i-am-jack :

Thank you for letting us know you are still here, doing a little better. I wish I had something helpful or inspiring to say. I really do relate to not knowing how your family will react to your feelings. I stopped trying with mine a long time ago.

from i-am-jack :

Please let us know you are okay as soon as you can.

from whystinger :

I care. If you need to reach out, hit me at whystinger"at"yahoo.com. Normally I don't monitor that inbox much anymore, but I will check it the next few days. I hope you are well and got through these feelings.

from i-am-jack :

I hope I am not too late. I don't know what to say but please don't do it. I understand why you want to but I really hope you find some reason to live even if that is just not wanting to die, but not knowing why. That one has kept me going for years. If part of you wants to die and part doesn't, trust the part that doesn't.

from i-am-jack :

I relate to so much of what you are going through/dealing with with your parents.

from whystinger :

You are definitely worth it. I am glad that you have a T and do well with her. I am going on ten years with my T, she helped me navigate a bad marriage and eventually got me through a divorce. If memory serves me correctly, I have read your diary one and off since long ago - maybe 2003, 2004 or such.

from i-am-jack :

I am sorry you had such as terrifying, fucked up childhood. I can't even imagine what it would be like as a child, being taken away, almost lost and fear of it happening again. I remember being really young and knowing my family was not normal but not having a word for it. I didn't really know what was happening or even a concept of help either. My dad threatened us that what happened behind closed doors stayed there. My own Grandma had no idea what was happening and she was right up the street. It doesn't make sense that the ones who are supposed to unconditionally love and protect you, treat you like that instead. My therapist explained that our minds can try to make sense of it by believing that we are bad and deserve it. Which only reinforces what they say and do. It is hard to get rid of a life time of programming even if you can logically examine it from an adult mind.

from i-am-jack :

Damn I relate to so much of that. I was always on eggshells around my dad. I learned to move quietly and breathe small. Have as minimal a presence as possible. I never knew what would set him off. Every time he called my name it was never for a good reason. My mom wasn't as violent but she was bitchy, volatile, druggy and guilt trippy. They both really fucked me and my siblings up. Black and white thinking is in my psych notes my therapist just told me. I tend to love and hate intensely. I am not wired for lower grey zone voltages. They kind of register as bland food. There are times when I feel kind of okay or start to feel like the real me, not their stupid caricature version. They seem fragile and fleeting but they happen sometimes. I haven't quite confirmed it was not my fault but at least I am starting to entertain the concept. That's something. Thanks, you be good to yourself too. And yeah other people's actions not defining our worth is a hard one.

from i-am-jack :

Thank you for relating and leaving me a note. I am surprised that a few friends on here said it hit a bit close to home. Just that makes me feel less alone and less like it was my fault and I deserved it. I think I am just starting to reach that point. But at the same time the damage has been done. I'll probably always feel bad about myself. They were always telling me I was stupid even when I was happy. Everything I did was wrong. I don't know how far back you have read, but some of my earliest memories are of self harm/playing with my blood. When I was really little I would give myself nose bleeds for fun. I also peeled my fingers like string cheese. I did a lot of weird things. When I got older I picked pits in my arms and head. For a while it seemed like I was always bleeding but they either didn't notice or were temporarily alarmed then went back to not caring. I didn't discover cutting until around 11th grade when I used an exacto blade and then later the snap off box cutters I like so much. I used them for print shop and really liked the way it felt cutting pretty much everything. I couldn't resist trying it on myself.

from lollirottt :

I've been ok actually. It's weird. But nice. How are you? Sorry it's taken me awhile to reply. I want to let you know I may not use this site much longer. But I would like for us to keep talking. If you want to.

from i-am-jack :

I'm glad your Gram is doing better. Your Gramps sounds like a real colorful, fun person.

from i-am-jack :

No need to apologize. You're fine. I have not heard anything about my case yet. Every other detail about it was unusually expedited but not this. I probably won't know for another month. I have just been in a funk and having a lot of sinus/migraine issues this week. And I can not recommend Augusten Burroughs more. He's lived a fucked up, colorful life and has a real talent for story telling. He'll make you laugh and cry in the same book.

from i-am-jack :

Okay now I am not sure which one she read, apparently he wrote a whole series of Non Violent Communication books. As for imagination, yeah it kept me and my sister alive.

from i-am-jack :

All you can do is try to live around them. If it's any help, my sister read the book "Non Violent Communication: A Language For Life" to learn how to deal with my dad and brother better, and it said it was a huge help. It can be hard when they *want* to fight, go there, or just be right at your expense. I had no idea what boundaries were or that I even had or was allowed to have any until I was in therapy years after I moved out. It was a new weird concept. My family still does not respect or recognize them. It's hard to recover when your toxic family likes how things are and does not want them to change.

from i-am-jack :

Oh and this was where I was going with the willow leaf story that I am still getting to.

from i-am-jack :

That was pretty much life growing up for me and my siblings. My parents could emote all they wanted but we better not dare unless we are happy. "Bottled" became more like a pressure cooker full of toxic waste over time for all of us. We all ended up crazy. My brother is totally gone and my dad has no idea where he gets it. Every time I have to be around my family I revert too. I can barely spend a few hours a couple times a year. I am so sorry you are trapped with yours again. My sister had to move back home for a year or two and it was like that for her too.

from i-am-jack :

I think a lot of it for me is not dealing with things or being able to deal with them. You can only shove it down so far for so long before it explodes. I spent the first half of my life doing just that and I was a champ at it. I was sure I could do it until the day I died. Despite everything I read saying the contrary and warning how dangerous that is. Now I can barely keep it contained. I know for sure that Ativan has saved my sanity and kept me out of the hospital. It probably saved my life too.

from i-am-jack :

Thanks for leaving me a note back. I hope things go smoother for you soon, I can imagine you just want to get it over with. I am safe, not doing too well though. The program is in total chaos, I just lost my new psychiatrist just as I was starting to trust him. I'm not a damn puppy. You can't just put me in a room with anyone and I'll be just great. Yet that's what they are doing.

from i-am-jack :

I hope you feel better soon and get through the colonoscopy okay. That feeling of being sick or weak for too long does suck. It gets very depressing and frustrating. Especially when you want and need to get things done and can't.

from lollirottt :

Tried deleting that note but it's still there somehow.

from i-am-jack :

It only took being taken away by the cops but I am in what's called a "DD ACT" program. It is for the absolute worst cases. The object of the program is to keep you out of the hospital, out of trouble and living as independently as you are capable. It is pretty intense with therapy visits three times a week. You also have a visiting nurse, case manager for DHS type stuff and a psychiatrist. In theory it's great and I would be fucked without it, but my "team" is pretty dysfunctional. My therapist does the brunt of the work. Yeah years ago before all this I was approved for $10. And days before the cops took me away to the hospital, I went off in a manic rage so bad I almost got black listed from DHS. I had a real bitch who was playing games and like you said it's hard to be calm and emotionally mature when this is your life they are messing with.

from lollirottt :

I'm ok with that.

from i-am-jack :

I think everyone on this site has left a note on their own page to someone else. I know I have. It's funny. My god what a fucking mess. I am so glad that I have the program I'm in and have people for all that. Even with people it's a fucking mine field, but without them I would have been blown up a long time ago. The first time I tried to file, I gave up and did not even finish. They just closed the case. They didn't hold it against me since it never even got anywhere. I could not even get through the paper work. Eventually I want to move and get the fuck out of the hood. I hope it isn't a total nightmare.

from cherrygash :

I know all too well about the system. Theres ss, medicaid and foodstamps..i thought id had them stacked in order of their ridiculousness. I was wrong. When i first got disability i moved into low income housing, where rent is calculated by income, all utilities included except ac for 4 months. Just moved last year and things got fucked up to say the least. I dont know how many calls i made to ss, but i talked to a different person every time and they all gave me different directions. Omfg. Trying to get the new rent on record took 4 months alone. Then there was the utilities. I never knew what a utility allowance was, but i needed to fax in something else to actually get my assistance for paying it. I attempted this twice as people told me different wording. What a fuckcluster. These idiots dont care and i think are programmed to drive you batshit crazy to the point you give up. I feel ur pain...Thanks 4 the note. Hang in as well.

from i-am-jack :

Sorry it's been a while. I am still all over the place. This is the worst mixed episode I have had in years. I am afraid I am just going to crack up or break down and lose it. I know what you are talking about with having to earn so much. I am not getting a lot either but I did meet the minimum for one of them. I know there is an SSI and an SSDI. I was not eligible for the one that pays more because I did not work/pay enough into it. The system IS crazy. It will be a massive relief when it finally happens. I am all too familiar with the feeling of wanting to take a bunch of pills and alcohol as well as feeling so desperate you scare yourself. I hope you are hanging in there.

from i-am-jack :

I'm glad she's doing a little better. I can not even imagine how emotionally drained you are on top of emotionally drained. Between the scare with your Gram and dealing with your brother. I don't blame you for hiding in your room. I still have not heard anything and might not until June. I am kind of all over the place today mood wise. I am a bit behind with writing/posting.

from i-am-jack :

I'm sorry your Gram is so sick.

from i-am-jack :

Mine was in a small room too but live. The lawyers insisted we do it that way because they needed to see how wrecked I am.

from i-am-jack :

Thank you for relating and putting it so perfectly. Yes that is exactly how it was. Only for me the process happened fast and everyone was telling me it was a good sign. The longer they drag it out the more likely they want to deny you in court. If it goes right to court you have a good chance of winning because they do not want to pay you years of back money when you win. I think it took about a year for me, maybe a little more or less.

from i-am-jack :

Wow thank you for reading back so far. Yeah I just had the trial last Tuesday. It took everything out of me and I have been just recovering from it all. My lawyer and therapist both said it went really well. I won't know until 90 days what the outcome is but they are almost positive I am getting it since the vocational specialist said I was unemployable. That's almost unheard of.

from i-am-jack :

You are not an ass for being the bigger person. For being forgiving and loving. I know it feels that way, like the joke is on you, but the one who is the real ass is him. He sounds like a sociopath and you can never win with them. The more human you are the more evil they are. The real evil is that our brains are wired to desperately keep trying for their love, they know it and exploit it.

from i-am-jack :

I sent you a new email with it.

from i-am-jack :

Hmmm I just tried it out. Seemed to work. Maybe Diaryland was being weird? I can send it you again.

from i-am-jack :

I sent you the password and deleted your note. I'm sorry you are so sick and they can not figure it out. I can understand your frustration in not wanting to go to anymore appointments, I probably wouldn't want to either. I have a friend who gets a lot of mysterious symptoms and they have not been able to figure it out for years. Maybe you should begin exploring natural/holistic solutions? Lowering your stress levels if possible can go a long way. Sometimes you have to take things into your own hands, do your own research and go with what intrigues you or feels right. Keep seeing the doctors too of course.

from i-am-jack :

"When youre treated like shit, you start to see yourself as shit." Story of my life. I don't know if I will ever be able to not see myself like shit. I can email it to you and delete your note.

from lollirottt :

And what you said at the end of your entry. I'm sorry you've been treated like shit. I don't think you deserve that. I think you deserve good people in your life who will be better to you. And I know what it's like to feel awful about yourself because of people being bad to you. It shouldn't be this way. :(

from lollirottt :

Yeah I remember you. I actually read your entry before seeing you had left a note. Thank you for asking how I'm doing. I've not been feeling good at all. So you asking actually meant a lot to me. Thanks. :) you don't have my new password do you? I can't remember when I changed it. My email is [email protected] so if you want it, just send me an email and I'll tell you.

from i-am-jack :

The sidebar on this site isn't set up in a way that makes a lot of sense sometimes. You can find "edit profile" under "other stuff". It's the 7th option down. As for my password do you have somewhere else I can send it besides posting it here?

from i-am-jack :

I feel you so much. Especially with learned self hate and being sucked back into it around family, with seemingly no hope of change or escape.

from i-am-jack :

The manic or upswing cycles of bipolar can manifest as anger, hostility, high levels of agitated unstable type behaviors. It's like the volume is turned all the way up on your life. That is more often than not how my highs play out.

from integrating :

If you ever stop by to see if you have a new note...you are not forgotten.

from integrating :

Hey..I haven't been around for a while. Read your entry. They put me on Remeron once and I laid down on the couch and couldn't get my body to respond to my brain's commands to get up. Went to another dr and he freaked. "Remeron!! That's what they give to old folks in nursing homes!!" Yeah, stop using it. Much love

from whystinger :

Find a new psychiatrist. You may have to try a few, but a good one is worth it. Look up the side effects. I recently was working with one urologist (yes, pee problems) who told me to not take one medicine "because it has so many side effects that are irreversible." I look up the medicine and don't see the side effects he is talking about, PLUS it says "it is reported that they side effects went away after continued use." I wasn't getting better and didn't like the way this guy was being shitty to me when I would ask a question, so I find a new urologist. First thing he says is"you need to be on this medicine. He outlined a new treatment plan and I progressed more in two weeks than I did in four months with the other urologist. Urology is more cut and dry than psychiatry. My Ex-wife is doing wonderful now that she has a new psychiatrist.

from i-am-jack :

Pretty much every medication they try me on gives me that strung out useless feeling for the first two weeks to one month. That is why I fight tooth and nail against it. For me it is nothing but brain deadness and side effects. I hope you can find a new psychiatrist and nurs that actually know something. They don't want to give you Ambien because it is addictive, has recreational value, and actually feels good. Generally they don't want to prescribe the good candy, even if you really need it. Just the stuff that feels like a harsh suicidal concussion. Seroquel does help with sleep for a lot of people, but it is not hypnotic falling feeling like sleeping pills. More like being hit over the head chemically really hard then you're out.

from whystinger :

Sometimes the best we can do is one foot in front of the other and that is okay. I like going to the grocery store, but get bored by it and then tend to get lazy and not cook. I know fast food gets tiring. Spaghettios are sort of fast food in a can, but I have lived on them (and worse) at times. Some time it is nice just to open a can and warm something up, but it sometimes seems like spaghettis are just fast food in a can. Have you looked for or found a local NAMI affiliate? If you have a decent one in your area, their support groups can make it where you aren't alone when dealing with mental illness. Yes, you CAN recover from years of mental illness, but it ain't easy and "you gotta wanta" and also have support. Getting to a support group and telling one's story can be very freeing, especially if others have went through similar.

from i-am-jack :

No problem. I feel pretty alone myself right now with a lot of things

from i-am-jack :

It really is depressing that life is not like the movies. No one ever calls at that perfectly divinely timed moment to stop you. And you just feel even more alone.

from i-am-jack :

I am right there with you.

from integrating :

Writing is good therapy. ;)

from i-am-jack :

Thank you for leaving me a note, letting me know it resonated. It's okay that you laughed. Hell, I laugh too. More and more, I am darkly amused with myself. I relate to a lot of things you write too. Don't know how I never got around to adding you back. I had to look up the Courage to Heal workbook. I would not want to read someone else's entries in something like that. While maybe you might relate, it might not be worth the curiosity if you end up triggered. Then you will really not want to open that book again. And more people relate than you think. It is horrible how pervasive that one thing is and plays out and manifests at levels in your life you may not even be immediately aware of. It fucks you up. Trust me, I know too.

from integrating :

Hi! :)

from whystinger :

I applaud you. You are worth much.

from i-am-jack :

It is. It actually tastes pretty good together too.

from integrating :

Hi..nice to see you back. I'm pretty sure you qualify for disability, then you can get financial help...after 2 years, I don't understand this rule whatsoever, but it's better than the situation you're in. Hang in there.

from whystinger :

Glad to see you writing again! Welcome back. As for your therapist, you may have indeed out grown her. You may want to have a chat with her and tell her that you need more from her. Try to be specific. I read about that somewhere and it hit home - I was to the point with my therapist where it was like I was paying for her to be a friend and I didn't need that. After reading an article, next session I told her that I needed more feedback from her and some direction/suggestions. She was a bit surprised, but things took off again. That was about three years ago and she has been a valuable resource to me once again. Still, there are times where one should get a new therapist. I have a feeling that I may need to change sometime in the near future. There are a few other ways of searching for new therapists too.

from whystinger :

I hope all is well, was hoping you had written an update.

from integrating :

Miss ya! Happy New Year's Eve!

from whystinger :

Was seeing how you are. Noticed I screwed up the link. should have been www.NAMI.org

from whystinger :

Check out www.nam.org and see if they have any affiliates near you. Depending on location, they have some good support groups and know where you may find decent service.

from integrating :

I like the song Wolf larsen-if i be wrong. I like the imagery in the video and she has a beautiful voice.

from integrating :

Hi Juli! I'm doing much better now that they've finally decided those credit cards got in my name are fraudulent. I'm about to write an entry about it. Hope things go up for you.

from lollirottt :

Hey. Glad you've been doing better. Hope you are still doing ok. It's such a pain in the ass when you do an entry and it gets deleted. Shit's annoying... Once again it's been too long since you updated. So do that. Like... Now. ;) if you want you can send me an email. I'll give you my password. Email is [email protected].

from phaythles :

WOOT WOOT!! That's great that you're becoming healthy (mentally & physically) and getting your life on track. Keep it up :) Also grrrr about shit getting deleted. That type of shit makes me wanna drop kick someone in their fucking throat.

from integrating :

Hey...how ya doin? Fave song as of late= "Porcelina of the Vast Oceans" by Smashing Pumpins. Check it out. Hope you're doing allright.

from phaythles :

Working out is great...until its not. Hah. I go like 4 times a week now and I feel more comfortable with the equipment and being in the gym. At first I felt weird and couldnt fully relax cause I thought someone would be like youre not doing this right or get off my machine! But it never happened and now I feel more comfortable in my skin at the gym. I also go at night cause I find it difficult to get a good workout in with a bunch of people. Thanks for the well wishes and you can do it as well! I believe in you!! Woot woot!! Get your ass to the gggggyyyyymmmmm!! :) Also I totally get the whole introverted thing and having trouble making friends. As I get older I feel like I dont even have the proper amount of energy to go out and get a friend. I also think its the area I live in. People are rude. I am naturally socially awkward but nice. The friendly quirky nerd. These people are obnoxious assholes. It doesnt make a great environment for making friends. My point? Its probably not a 100% you but more like your environment is uninhabitable to making friends.

from thatgirlx :

I just now saw your note, sorry. I don't know you personally, but we used to leave notes for each other. It's been awhile tho... I don't write much on here anymore but kinda think maybe I should start again. Anyway.. Sorry. Um. Do you want me to unfollow you?

from integrating :

My brother's name is Bret too. He died when he was 16.

from whystinger :

I am doing well, just busy and then feeling lazy... How are you? Yes, fingering it out does sound dirty and sure could be taken out of context! LOL

from lollirottt :

I'm glad you're not in that relationship anymore. You don't deserve to be treated bad. No one does... I don't know if you even want my opinion on this but I think you should tell your mom. I've never been through that before and obviously I don't know how she'd react. All I know is that it's not good for you to keep a secret so big and so bad. It has to be so hard to not share it with her. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you... Now on to something positive. Evanescence will be doing three shows in November. And Nashville is one of them. I live about an hour from Nashville. So I really hope I get to go. I just gotta find someone who will go with me. Wish me luck! :) hope you're doing ok. You haven't done an entry in awhile. So... DO AN ENTRY! ;)

from whystinger :

My ex-wife had a way of mind-fucking me into believing that I was the problem. Manipulation. Great to get away from those types of people and stay away...

from whystinger :

I am so glad you are working with someone. I am sensitive to the stigma and wish I would have went to a psychotherapist years earlier than I did - if so, I may have left my screwed up marriage much earlier. Bravo!

from whystinger :

Go find a psychotherapist and work with them. It is NOT your fault you were raped and it may not be too late to press charged. Get this poison out of your system and talk to a professional. don't let the bastard continue to hurt you, please get some help and see if you can bring him to justice. My heart goes out to you. Long ago, I dated someone who was raped and she suffered a long, long time. I hope you can get some help or find some peace.

from phaythles :

Well I wouldnt say that my habits are healthy or nice or are totally effective. I just stopped cutting. I had cravings for the first few years. It was awful. I remember throwing out my kit and trying to be clean and breaking down here and there and using my moms kitchen knives. I started smoking (ciggs) at that time. So I basically traded one addiction for another one. Somewhere in that timeline I picked up an energy drink addiction (Monsters with Newports my ass was hyped) and finally got rid of that. I actually quit smoking (that was hard) and now Im not sure wtf to do with myself. I want to develop healthy addictions like exercise or carrot eating but Im like blah. I do shit in patterns like an addict I think its part of my personality. *shrugs* Im still super excited for you that you got a place. Having everything within walking distance is an added bonus :)

from phaythles :

Im excited that you moved to a new place. Thats great. You used to cut? Ugh what an awful addiction. I started when I was 14. My family had me so stressed out it was a way for me to handle my emotions and keep putting on a happy face. It took me years before I was able to finally stop it and pick up new habits for stress. Its hard for non cutters to understand. Stay strong and keep the blades away. *hugs*

from lollirottt :

*squeals* evanescence! Ah i love lithium. And in the end I guess I had to fall, always find my place among the ashes. I'm strongly considering getting that tattooed. Lots of their lyrics actually. Such a great band. :) ugh nightmares and migraines. I deal with that shit too. I've cried and thrown up because of migraines. And i'm good at handling pain. I took topamax for migraines for a year. Just got off it. It fucked with my memory a lot. Which is something I really did not need seeing as how my memory sucks ass as it is. And the nightmares. I wake up in the middle of the night terrified a lot because of nightmares. And bad dreams that make me cry. There needs to be something that you take one time and it makes you only have good dreams for the rest of your life. Wouldn't that be amazing? I think so. Ugh I'm sorry. I'm going on and on. I do that sometimes. And sometimes I can't figure out anything to say at all. Ok I'm shutting up now.

from integrating :

When I attempted to change my html it just messed everything up. Nothing on this site works anymore. It's like life after the monkeys took over. Everything's covered with jungle vines.

from lollirottt :

Hey. :) Agreed. Linkin Park is amazing. :) I saw them in concert years ago and it was so much fun. They were so good... I keep trying to think of what to say in this note but honestly I've forgotten how to make friends. How sad is that? :( forgive me for being so lame...

from lollirottt :

I just found your diary and I really relate to a lot of what you talk about. Especially emotional eating and not having friends. I have one real friend left and she lives hours away from me. And I eat to deal with things a lot. It's a pain in the ass I know. If you wanna talk just leave a note for me. And if you want the pw to my diary tell me. :) I added you to my buddy list. My name is Danielle by the way. :)

from integrating :

Slap your dad...see what happens. haha...also, I've rediscovered Third Eye Blind. Don't know if you've ever liked their music, but it's pretty much all I've been listening to lately.

from integrating :

The day we went to the Dr....it's an hour drive now...left the house at 11 am, Dr. appt not til 3. Kris wanted to leave early to go thrift shopping. By the time 1 rolled around Kris was having road rage and no patience for 3 so I showed up early and begged to be squeezed in. I was a total anxiety-ridden mess..talking to the Dr. 90 mph. Told him son was in the car pissed so he got me in and out....music...have you ever listened to Led Zeppelin? I know it's before your time but it's really cool. Check it out.

from integrating :

I cut sugar from my diet and have been eating chicken breast and salad diet for a while now. I lost 20 lbs. I know waiting for housing sucks. And declawing a 10 yr old cat is ridiculous. At least they're letting you keep him. mwa

from integrating :

Thanks for the note sweetie.

from integrating :

Haven't forgotten about ya. You doin alright?

from phaythles :

Hah! We're all a little stalkerish so no biggie :) Im going to eventually become a sexologist. That is what I am hoping for. Ive always had a weird fascination for sex. Especially from a societal point of view. Like how come people are weirded out about sex? How come no one talks to their kids about sex? No one mentions sex but its all over the media. Females enjoying sex means shes slut shamed. Who made the first condom? Kellogg's frosted flakes was made to prevent people from masturbation. Just weird shit that hangs out in my mind. Love watching docu's on anything sex related. So I figured I should do something with that fascination plus I absolutely love psychology. Its the one class that has ALWAYS made sense to me. Its all about what makes people tick and their behaviors. Sexology combines the whole helping people out and getting to talk about sex. Are you in school?

from phaythles :

When I think of Nebraska I think of the words big & empty. Along with the states Montana and Wyoming. So if you are from/live there I am SO sorry! Guess this means we should start a support group or save up money for an escape route (cause Wisconsin suuuuuuuucks). We could go somewhere fun, like Vegas! Ahaha :) I am a psychology major. Currently on my bachelors which I swear is taking fucking forever and a half. I have to remind myself that I started late (like 20/21) and since I am only 25 I am right on track. Most 4 year degrees take 5/6 years. But, still. Im over it. Plus since its psych I also have to get a Masters. I also would love my Ph.D. So this pretty much means Ill be in school til Im like fucking 45 or some shit.

from phaythles :

Well I didnt voice my concerns, more liked bitched to my mom and like one coworker who was also bitching how some of our staff is lazy. Its apparently an ongoing problem. Those that I worked with the night before knew I was mad cause the next time I saw them they were giving me lots of space. Hah! The next time we all close together I will deff be giving those bitches (2 females & 1 guy) a powwow so that we are all on the SAME page. Hopefully thatll work or Ill straight snap on them. Our managers are of the useless variety. Our head manager actually hates confrontation and if he has a problem with you he just ignores you and chops your scheduled hours in half for a week or two. Very passive aggressive.

from integrating :

2014-10-03....That sucks

from phaythles :

Well thanks! When I write I feel like an angry toddler mindlessly banging away at the keyboard in hopes that I somehow connect a string of words in a way that would make sense. I feel like you and Atwowaydream write really eloquently which is why I gravitate towards ya'lls entries. Which means I pretty much creepy stalk when I have some available time.

from integrating :

I'm on klonopin and hydrochodone too.

from integrating :

I'm feeling ok. Anxiety about everything as usual. I will feel better when I get the rent to the office today and sign a new lease. Really don't want to but I don't have enough money for a deposit for another place.

from integrating :

2014-09-30.....lmao

from phaythles :

But it was very awesome and interesting and useful information right?? :) Side note: I like your entries. You express yourself in a way that relates to how I feel but better. Probably because youre cooler.

from anarchrist7 :

Hi there, have only glanced sporadically through ur stuff through the years. I can relate to a lot of how you're feeling.Some of what u've said is just a rewording of the exact things I've felt. We don't suffer from the same source, far as I could tell, but in response to ur entry on 2014-08-09, I'd invite u to read 3 interrelated ones of mine: So Blind, Judge Me, and Brakes (prob a good order to). Ctrl+F "Blind" and the others are slightly above and below that one. Keep writing! Best therapy out there :-)

from integrating :

Yes my brother's name was spelled Bret too....Yeah I'm having such a hard time with not giving in after 6..otherwise I think I'm doing pretty damn good..gotta stick with my mantra because I want to see another weight loss next time I go to the Dr.

from integrating :

"I have to pull myself up and not base my happiness on another persons approval"....right on.......my deceased brother's name is Bret too.

from phaythles :

Hah! I feel you on that. Ive been in multiple situations where Im like I can run this shit a hundred times better and Im not even "qualified". Its horrible. I wonder what goes through their heads sometimes? Especially at hospitals. Like you see 100 sick kids so youve seen em all? Ugh. Im just glad that part of my life is over and that hes getting better.

from phaythles :

Thanks so much for the note! Hes better now thank goodness. *hugs*

from jaysthoughts :

Some day it will be the last day we ever speak to the ones we love. No one gets a memo beforehand.

from phaythles :

Ugh I feel you on the soft porn thing. The AB series feels that way to me. The last one I read, Bullet, wasnt that long and it had 2 major sex scenes one happened to also be an orgy of sorts. The actual plot felt wrapped up way too quick and neat. And there are so many people now that Im getting names confused. So I was like ugh. Girl dont even get me started on boobs and shirts. Either they fit fine in the boob area but they are too big around the waist, or they fit the waist but too tight on the boobs. Also my pet peeve with womans shirts is that theyre cut funny and too short. Im also tall and big boobs and tallness just makes me feel like a hot ass mess in the shirt department. Ive always gone to men shirts especially their polos, button ups and hoodies because they give me length and males typically have a broader chest I get boob room and Im comfortable around my waist. I sure as hell cant wear a lot of the chick styles I see. Theyre cute but most are not made for females above a C cup I swear. Smh.

from integrating :

The guy I'm always talking about is my 32 yr old son. He's a combat veteran and has PTSD and he won't take any meds. He's really mean to me. I can't even talk to him without him going ballistic. I was living in my own apt and he was moving back from FL and he needed help financially so we decided to share the rent on something. My intentions were good. Now I'm regretting it.....I'm not sure what you're talking about referring to a deposit.

from princesscee :

Hey there, thanks for the note. I'm glad someone understands these things. Take care!

from integrating :

One time I made a $200 deposit at the bank. I never look at the receipt, but this time I did and it said I deposited $20. I kinda think the teller was not on the up and up.

from phaythles :

Bras! Oh they have quickly become the horrible thorn in my side. I went back to wearing my old ones. The new ones make my eyes twitchy. I only wear em when I know I am housebound for the day. Theyre comfortable I just feel like Imma end up with saggy easter baskets for boobs in the future. Strangely enough I have heard the same complaint about the AB series. I remember a few years ago I googled something and I ended up 20 pages deep in the web and came across some blog and comments about how sexualized AB has become and how she used to be attached to morals and shit. People were seriously in hot debate about it. I found it fascinating. I didnt realize people become that attached to random shit.

from phaythles :

Hah! I know that feeling. I havent met anyone who has read her either. Maybe there is just a bunch of closet fans? I tried to read the fairy world series but I cant get into it. But the Anita Blake series I dig though I am behind because I havent got around to the last couple books that came out. I got mad when she released Bullet because it felt like a mad rush of wasted space.

from whystinger :

I applaud you. Keep fighting the stigma. Are you a NAMI member? Do you have a strong local NAMI chapter? My local NAMI affiliate was a lifesaver. www.NAMI.org

from integrating :

2014-08-09 Yeah, my dad slipped up and said he wanted me to move in with him in MT so he could "fix me". He also slipped up and called me a hypochondriac.

from integrating :

2014-07-17 ...nice entry

from integrating :

I will be sure to check them out. :)

from integrating :

I just checked out "Wasteland by Needtobreathe". Love the photography, love his voice and the overall feel of the music. I'm going to load it up to my itunes. I'm hoping the CD has the same feel. I think it's something I would listen to on a regular basis. Thanks :)

from integrating :

You have to check out this song: "Best Deceptions"...Dashboard Confessional...and "Vindicated"..I discovered this band when my son loaded all his itunes on my computer. There's only 3 songs so I'm sure I would like their CDs. I love this band.

from integrating :

That sucks about your parents. My dad thinks I'm a hypochondriac. I don't think my mom would go to therapy with me either. I was crying one time and motioned for her to come lay next to me and she was distant and was patting me like a robot arm.

from whystinger :

Break-throughs in therapy are awesome! Brave to you! I find I am exhausted and/or tears are involved when doing hard work in therapy and having break-throughs!

from integrating :

Do you know the song "heroes" by David Bowie? If not check it out. Then look up the lyrics. It's my favorite Bowie song.

from integrating :

I didn't know the song Paradise so I looked it up on YouTube. I like the song and the video is really cute. I especially like the bit of live version at the end where the band were all wearing elephant heads. hahahahaha.....too cute. I only have 3 of their songs on my i-tunes. I'll have to get the whole CD when my money comes in. lovely, ta-da!

from integrating :

hey girl :)

from integrating :

2014-05-21....beautiful

from integrating :

I posted my email address somewhere in your notes. What would you like to know about music? :)

from jimbostaxi :

Your last post the lady kept calling saying she had an apartment on Hanover st, maybe it was a complex called Hanover apts in area near you.

from jimbostaxi :

Could it be the hanover apts?

from integrating :

2014-04-20...Love this entry.

from integrating :

Thank you.....about being sad...I have my moments. I'm sure you know what that's like. Music has a tremendous effect on me. Lynyrd Skynyrd brings back so many memories I can't help but cry. Got Beck playing right now...feel-good music. :)

from integrating :

I read this entry 2014-03-26 with Rolling Stones "Angie" playing in the background. It was perfect.

from integrating :

cheesecake----oh yum

from integrating :

[email protected] anytime :)

from integrating :

*hugs*

from integrating :

I started to tell you about how I listened to 'Daddy's Little Girl' and meant to add that I had listened to that one song for 12 hours. My kids didn't even complain. Then I started getting tired of it and that's when the boys started telling us not to play that song.

from integrating :

When I can't sleep I try different things, like listening to some music, or fuckin around on the computer...vegetate watching TV. I once listened to the song "Daddy's Little Girl". I know that's not the name of the song. His song titles don't make sense.

from integrating :

Hi! Hope you're doing fine. Glad to hear from you. :)

from atwowaydream :

I will leave a briefcase with instructions for bitchslapping my dad, so leave one for me at our place of exchange, so I can reciprocate. I think we can get away with it as long as the gang from Scooby Doo does't bring their damn meddling detective work into it.

from integrating :

wanted to say hi. how are you?

from talktogod :

Just checked back in to say that I got your note back in January. Again . . . apologies because I don't get over here much any more. Thanks for the nice note. I hope you're okay. Take care.

from atwowaydream :

He might as well have rolled out the red carpet, that's how much he didn't ID me. Argh. By the way, the Oscars were a bit extra sing-songy weird this year, anyway.

from the-grey-one :

"i am playing this all moment by moment i have no fucking idea what im doing. there. i said it" me neither! hooray! i've read through a bit of your diary and i relate a lot to many of your words. you've got a very honest style.

from integrating :

I don't know how they are where you live, but it's very hard in TX to get disability without representation. If you apply by yourself you're going to get shot down every time. That was my case until I contacted a representative. He wasn't an attorney but a seasoned representative. That's when they finally approved me. Should have done that in the first place but I didn't know.

from alswelinhell :

yeah, shit. i just noticed, 12 years... congrats on your decade of d-land.

from integrating :

You definitely qualify for disability. Just get a representative or attorney. They rarely grant it without one. I hope your plans work out for you.

from integrating :

thanks for caring. i'm afraid of surgery which is why i let it go on for so long.

from atwowaydream :

"honestly we ate at subway the other night and im not sure i can gag down their sandwiches anymore" - Have truer words ever been written?

from integrating :

"im a broken record and even i get sick of me"....I can relate

from integrating :

I missed your birthday. Happy Birthday :)

from atwowaydream :

I know who Lucifer is. And I know who Gus-gus is. I will watch the fuck out of Cinderella.

from alswelinhell :

glad to see you still post. there's not many of us left.

from talktogod :

Been away for too long, because I don't write over here any more. When I finally checked back, I'm horrified to see what happened to you. I pray that you can work through it. I pray you can get your life back. I'm sorry I didn't keep up...

from frankie123 :

cherrygash -- i love your username.

from talktogod :

I don't think you're just giving excuses. And I don't see you as "mocking" God, either. Those feelings are natural. And, from my experience, I'm pretty sure he doesn't mind them. You would probably be pretty good at psychology, too (or psychiatry). You seem very intelligent.

from talktogod :

I'm still here, still reading when you write, and still praying. I don't know about psych doctors sometimes. They seem so flaky (and here my oldest daughter is getting a psychology degree) sometimes. What you need is compassion, but firmness at the same time. That's a difficult mix to find. Don't give up on God, though, whatever you do.