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This is my first dry summer. It's about as hard as I was expecting. It's making me feel glum. And I hate it when my being sober makes other people feel uncomfortable. Ick. I usually have upbeat things to say in peoples' notes and guestbooks, but I've decided that even though I'm sober, it doesn't mean I can't be surly.

from vomit-stars :

i really respect you for fighting your addiction. it is a very hard thing to overcome. sometimes people just fight it all their lives and never overcome. but, i wish you great luck. and i added you to my buddylist. just lettin ya know.

from eventhewind :

I occasionally come to a point in my recovery where I have to realize that the rigidity with which I began, which was necessary, is now hindering me. I imagine it's even more complicated for you - because in recovering from alcoholism, you do "deprive" yourself. you stop letting yourself have this thing. in issues of food, it's usually more murky. one of the main things I've had to learn is to not try to maintain control, especially through things like food...but rather to recognize situations as fluid and at times unsettling, while still understanding where I have power. when I know what my power is in a situation, I feel safe. when I try to control a situation, I feel frantic, and eventually exhausted. maybe it's time for you to look at the grey-scales in your own life and recovery. to trust yourself to be flexible and ease out of the rigidity into life... I'd never pretend to know what you need, but it's a thought. your hard work and endurance are amazing, and if this rambling is less than helpful just know it's intended to communicate a sense of understanding and caring. so I'll just say - take care...

from lovelyleo :

Congrats on 2 years!!!!!

from the-magus :

Okay, this is the second time in a row that you've written an entry that echoes my own thoughts on the subject. Get out of my brain! :) I think that the problem with "true nature" is that it's often thought of as a static, unchanging thing. I think true nature, like the rest of us, changes with time, and that what's "true" or "natural" to someone at one point won't be true or natural down the road, and that it's MUCH easier to recognise when someone is being true to themselves through retrospection than it is to feel it at the moment.

from cherryaa :

Hello! Interesting thoughts about true nature - and piercingly appropriate to my own state at the moment. I don't think your true nature is about whether you're clean or not; whether you run or riot, or whatever. I think it's about your principles; your deepest desires & beliefs. The idea of changing from who I really am means, to me, getting to know myself well - only then can I be my best: make the best choices for me. The opposite of suppressing my true self, it will (hopefully) mean expressing & fulfilling myself. I think I've been unable to do that to date, because whenever I felt uncomfortable with my life I would use something to stop the feeling. So I never worked out what it was that was wrong, or how to live more comfortably with my self. Perhaps you are already doing it - or, if not, then well on your way. You've made radical changes - and sound far more "bien dans ta peau" than I have felt for a long time. So perhaps you are, already, living closer to your true nature?

from cherryaa :

What a lovely - and inspiring - first entry for 2004! Happy new year :) Cherry xx

from sisofmartha :

Hi clean, I clicked on the banner and I have to complement you on your design: I think it fits your name :-D. I was reading your most recent entry and I feel I can relate to you. What helped me through it was the realization that people cannot achieve perfection with their own human effort, but only with Divine help. Oh, they try really hard and sometimes they come to a near-perfect state only to fall flat on their face the next day or the day after... Take it one day at a time, brother. Perfection is an impossibility for man in general especially when the people who surround you cannot supply you with all your needs (IE. love, commitment, security). I admit, I've never had a problem with alcohol, but I've had my share of addictions so if you ever need an ear that will listen, drop me a note. God Bless ~SOM

from pandionna :

Hello! Clicked through on a banner ad. WOW, what a diary! Please don't mind me while I snoop around. So personal, so striking. Just, wow.

from banshee-rose :

Hey thats great you are enjoying the seasons. Great site.

from cherryaa :

Hiya! I hope you're still doing well - 2 weeks (since your last entry) seems a long time to an early recoverer like me! Your perceptions make me think. Ouch! Thanks for the inspiration :) Cherry x

from summer-gale :

I love this site and it would be *cool* if you left an easy way to respond to your entries. Like a guestbook or a link to your notes and your profile on your main page. Whenever I'm tempted I read you and get righteous about not drinking. You remind me why it was so f'n miserable and *uncool* when I forget. (and I forget all the time)

from the-magus :

When I was a smoker (and trying to quit) I'd hope to be stuck on an island without any cigarettes, just to kick the habit. I'm still a non smoker (for almost two years - I know people who quit smoking for 5 years and then started again...I'm sure you've felt -that- fear), and I'm not sure if I'd prefer having the choice taken from me. I think that always having the choice means always having to be aware of why I'm doing what I'm doing, and that's kind of a mixed curse.

from the-magus :

Puh-lease! Your stories of your misspent youth will entertain and fascinate a whole generation of youngsters, I assure you. My boyfriend had a rough patch in his twenties, and this has only served to make him more fascinating to those who didn't know him then. Think of it as an extra-special layer of "depth." :)

from the-magus :

The "something" that I've done is continue to have unprotected sex with my boyfriend with whom I've been in a monogamous relationship for almost 5 years. I'd love to give blood, but I have to settle for just being a possible organ donor. Congrats on getting to donate!

from mary-harper :

you inspire me. it's like reading my own thoughts, but so much clearer.

from the-magus :

I'm thinking that the word you might be looking for is "courting" or perhaps "dating" (to be up on the modern times). It's a good thing. And, as someone who discovered this a little bit late in his relationship, sober sex is the -best- way to do it...especially with someone who's good in bed, because by the next day you still remember how good it felt.

from the-magus :

Perhaps you're afraid of being a competent person (because it makes you re-evaluate mistakes you made in the past?) and that's why you can come out strongly "pro" the new you (second paragraph) and then start to back off and re-evaluate. In theory, all of us can actually be in control and not mess things up, and you should be congratulating yourself for actually taking steps toward that identity. Huge congrats on the race...with luck, I'll have a similar picture in 2004.

from chordchild :

that photo put a huge smile on my face. congratulations!

from the-magus :

I am not reading you to see you have a relapse. I'm reading because you have thoughtful insights and ways of putting your experiences into words that I can relate to. Sometimes you're funny. And you're cooler than me.

from the-magus :

The thing about those reports, though, is that there are -very- few studies that don't have a corporate sponsor: do some research and I'll bet you'll find that most health-linked-to-alcohol studies are sponsored by "Wine Brewers of North America," or "Captain Morgan's Ltd." This doesn't make the studies -wrong-, but it does mean there was probably a bit of a bias.

from chordchild :

I think your train allegory is terribly accurate, and it sucks that people didn't see that at your meeting. I know how it feels, those days you want to jump but can imagine the pain, and those days it'd be so much easier to just step off lightly. You see more of the world from the train, though, I think. You experience more, and maybe I'm fooling myself, but most of the time, I really do believe it's worth it...take care...

from summer-gale :

I am reading you and I've quit many times before. I am still looking forward to the day I quit forever. This diary will help you remember what it was like when you've quit long enough to forget why you quit and you're temopted again. Journal it ALL.

from lovelyleo :

Hey, I am still reading your diary. I have decided to go clean as well. (From alcohol) Probably not pot. I don't smoke very often anyway. Last night was a bad night. I could have been raped or murdered. It happens to me a lot. I have got to stop while I am ahead. I am changing my workout scedule to night's and I am gonna try to turn off the TV after 7pm. Another thing I am going to do is start cooking all of my meals(it'll give me something to do). No resturaunts unless I am with a friend. Any other tips for me?

from delighted :

Not that I am going through the same thing at all, but I also had an interesting hair cut that I decided to grow out, at the same time as attempting to give up smoking which I coordinated with a sudden love for out door activities. (Ok not love, I forced myself.) I needed change on the outside as well as on the inside.If they had a title function for notes I would call this one corny and nonsensical but fumblingly true.

from ilovewords :

Are you going through this alone, or did you join a program to quit. I've quit twice, now. Both times for around six months. I really want to quit, forever. I need to quit, forever. Thanks for posting your journey. It encourages and comforts me. I appreciate it. Aaryn

from treedancer :

find?! ugh, found.... *looks for the preview button* ;)

from treedancer :

hi, arrived here through your banner. Wished you'd had a guestbook/notes link, heh. Also wished I'd find your diary last year when someone I used to know was going through similar: I think reading your thoughts might've helped him. Who knows. I thought the "bike ride sweat" comment was funny ;)

from ilike-tigers :

I hope your quiting goes well... Good luck.

from trapezoid :

Hi, I caught your banner and checked out your diary. I particularly enjoyed your "religion" entry. I've seen quite a number of people go from substance abusers to Jesus freaks, and from my perception it looks like they've just blindly traded one compulsive master for another. Nice to see somebody who wants to GET better, not just FEEL better.

from big-star :

i totally love you

from bipolargirl :

i saw your banner and was intrigued and totally related. on your diary page, i could not find your profile link, so i had to do a search. glad you are clean. it is a struggle. i'm struggling, too. not only with substances, but with religion as well. rock on

from buddhawhoa :

this is my story, only untold...

from blueeyesblue :

Someday, so I've been told, you won't even miss it. M

from blueeyesblue :

Food and alcohol are both methods for numbing out pain. At least for me.

from blueeyesblue :

I stumbled on your diary through your banner, and it was love at first sight. Congratulations on going "clean"; I totally admire you. I've mulled it over several times and decided I was too wimpy. I will probably get to the decision-making point eventually (I'm 23 and have been using booze as a hammer-to-the head sleep aid for 5 years). On another subject, you're very hard to leave a message for. Have you considered getting a guestbook, or linking your diary to your profile so one can leave a note?

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