DiaryLand members area

Have you died? this place is so anonymous I HAVE to wonder that. Did you shed your mortal coil? Will you come back? I know you will. I STILL remember this.

from thepoint :

John,your communist daughter did leave diaryland for a very long time--perhaps almost as long as you did. but coming back was so grand--I read three years of my life in three hours (and I really did get older!), and I forgot I even knew you. That's right. I forgot I even knew you. And I'll reckon you forgot you knew me too. Let's meet again. You're alive. Brianna--here's my email: [email protected]

from floodtide :

Please, please, please, jonathan: come back. Or write me, or call me, or something. I think of you all the time. I love you.

from violet-sneer :

dear sir, i think once we wrote each other notes. by think i mean that i know, mostly because i still have them filed neatly on another page. i forgot that i ever said things to you. admiration from afar i knew of, but actual contact i did not. basically, this is a message telling you that i forgot about things, then remembered. the purpose is perhaps to remind you also? though i don't know why. basically i have no idea why i'm doing this, but, since i'm already kind of on a roll, i can't really stop now. so, i think you are funny, sometimes i think you are good, mostly you make me wish i had never been born (please note the extreme exaggeration here). i feel done with this pointless rambling. i hope this reminiscent period was as lovely for you as it was for me. all my love, your long-lost-secret-admirer-who-will-now-be-stalking-you-for-forever-!!!!!!!!

from kilowatt :

I thank you for your note of birthday wishes. I am now a perfect 33 years of age. Thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness. May your day be a delightful adventure of bliss, laughter, discovery, satisfaction and inspiration.

from kilowatt :

There is an effortless elegance emanating from your writing that I cannot help but admire and adore, so much so, that I was compelled to add your diary to my list of favorites. "Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~ I hope that your day will be a delightful adventure of bliss, laughter, discovery, satisfaction and inspiration. I thank you again for the pleasure of reading the expression of your "beautiful spirit."

from venusinfurs :

whats the secret ho-ju? i miss talking to you. i'll call you from work tomorrow. i hope everything is ok.

from kilowatt :

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing; it makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well." ~ Voltaire ~ I thank you for leaving me a lovely note. The beauty of your words mesmerizes me. What a gift with language you have! I am so pleased that you like my site. I thank you for your kindness. May your day brim over with beauty.

from wateryone :

Well, I did enjoy walking through a crowded market yesterday that was filled with people from all over the world, so I guess I can't be too xenophobic, just irritated by those things that are just different enough to feel wrong. I do love Neal Stephenson. Sometimes I wish I was Y.T.. I haven't read the Confusion or Quicksilver yet, but they sound like they're really good. Did Dodie Smith write I Capture the Castle? because I loved the film, although I haven't read the book. I should... it sounds just like my kind of landscape fantasy.

from kilowatt :

In a random twist of fate, I discovered your dairy and I lingered to read your words. I am in awe of your writing ability. I thank you for the opportunity to experience the literary feast of your journal. Please continue your wonderfully delightful descriptions of your life and experiences. Lastly, I thank you for the pleasure of reading them.

from wateryone :

Ahh, as a New Zealander who has just moved to Australia, that was excellent. I don't know what it is about the antipodean cousins. I think it is that there is enough that is similar between us, to make the differences all the more horrible and surreal. I resent everything about Australians that remind me that I am not at home. Human beings are so strange. I never realised I was zenophobic.

from floodtide :

I have been thinking about you with especial frequency and care lately, so it made me very very very very happy that you've written in your diary. *I* left you a voicemail some time back (too far back to remember if I said 'call me back and tell me that you love me'), and though the poem seems, clearly, not to refer to me, in my vanity I like to imagine that I could still be at least one potential dedicatee. I will try to call you again: is that okay? I love you, J. FT

from venusinfurs :

i found all the poems, hi.

from wateryone :

Yup, Russell Hoban (you know he actually participates on his own Kraken mailing list?), I actually had a Russell Hoban complex as a child, I insisted everyone call me Frances. I also love Wallace Stevens, and that ee cummings poem in your profile, both favourites. But YOU play Billy Bragg :) Which piqued my interest, and ever since I have just enjoyed reading your entries so much.

from wateryone :

Nice to have you updating again. I will be reading.

from unamerican :

groups of sizes. like 5-9. that's the group i belong to. the Sock Group. fear me.

from seastreet :

Also, beautiful poem.

from seastreet :

Wasn't Mary Svevo's last name a nice touch? Ogs�, taler du dansk?!

from carbonbased :

ahahaha :) hijinx do ensue in the blob after the licking (as in much of life n'est pas?)

from hangover :

No, I am not you. It is merely a case of coinicidence. If I were you that would be an extreme case of me thinking I'm too different people, what do you call it, the mind is spinning, I have all sorts of a hangover

from floodtide :

I was going to write "the next time you masturbate, can I help?" Then I saw all those notes from unamerican and I was immediately, instinctively jealous. You are not supposed to wish you and he/she were best friends when I'm around (*stamps foot petulantly*). Damn: that was supposed to be all light-hearted and shit but then on the screen it looks too serious and earnest. Maybe I should go back to my original plan: The next time you masturbate, can I help? Love, flood

from unamerican :

i weep.

from seastreet :

Did you read Michiko Kakutani's review of the new Alice Walker book? It's hilarious.

from unamerican :

in 5th grade, they made us sing that song every day in music class. because of that, i am scarred. thank you for dredging up that horrible part of my past. eh, i exaggerate. i do hate that song, though.

from unamerican :

are you mocking me, sir? you have every right to because, upon further consideration, what i said makes no sense...except in my head.

from unamerican :

they come in sort of a range of sizes instead of one size, like shoes. somehow, even though you have to buy the correct shoe size, you can buy socks in your size RANGE and they magically fit. does this baffle you the way it baffles me? why do we talk about socks so much? interesting.

from unamerican :

i find that my socks are either full of feet or not. the half-business was a first last night and it didn't happen again. i'm not sure what that says about me. probably nothing.

from unamerican :

hah. thank you. Bodhisattva Would you take me by the hand Bodhisattva Would you take me by the hand Can you show me The shine of your Japan The sparkle of your china Can you show me Bodhisattva Bodhisattva I'm gonna sell my house in town Bodhisattva I'm gonna sell my house in town And I'll be there To shine in your Japan To sparkle in your China Yes I'll be there Bodhisattva [steely dan.] that's what immediately popped into my head when i read your entry.

from carbonbased :

Singing our space songs on a spider web sitar Life is around you and in you Answer for Timothy Leary, dearie. Let the sunshine in.

from unamerican :

i always read the comment you have for my diary in your buddy list "perpetually chilled." and i feel like i've let you down somehow. do you write anywhere aside from diaryland?

from myhips :

i murdered uglykatey. shit was out of hand. this is my new name for my new diary but shsshshhhh because it's a secret.

from unamerican :

dear dumb-john. i don't know if this will mean anything to you, but i thoroughly enjoy reading your writing. last night, i sat in front of the computer and read a good majority of your entries. sometimes i laughed out loud, sometimes i wanted to cry. but it means a lot to read something worthwhile instead of most of the bullshit that people write [myself included]. so thank you.

from carbonbased :

keep writing, keep writing, keep writing - love every word

from red-river :

hello. i think i am in your state. you should call me. cellphone: 773 329 0386. sometimes i answer. if not, you could leave me an entertaining message! i hope you are doing well... i feel a strange affinity for you. don't die.

from moebius69 :

aw! now i wish i could call you. don't think i can say anything that will change the fundamental nature of the world, but maybe it would be nice for us to hear each other's voices. it's been awhile, dude. send me an email. you know where i am. and feel free to visit my lj site sometime. i'm doing illegal things there now.

from carbonbased :

i love love love you. please stay.

from venusinfurs :

jonathan david, where did you go? all your pixelated lovers await. i'm wearing eyeliner now. things have turned out hilariously.

from thepoint :

waking at four to soundless dark i stare. will it always be like this now john? will it not stop?

from floodtide :

You cannot imagine how happy I become seeing your name lit up in red on my buddy list. In fact, "happy" doesn't come close to being the right word; "ecstatic" is more like it. You can't possibly know too many Guys, so is the day's concert partly for me? If so, why would I never know it? I hang on your every word, always. I love you. ft

from carbonbased :

I seriously love you dumb-john. you make me want to be a better man. dont go anywhere.

from moebius69 :

ah, j-pie, you've returned. hurrah, hurrah. i guess this means i can remove the black wreath of mourning from my front door. which is too bad because it looked kinda good there. ah well. welcome back.

from bicyclelove :

i like your elliott poem. my friend, when he heard, drank a bottle of johnny walker red and passed out in a gutter on some portland street. i thought that was appropriate. don't die. -becky

from bettinas :

It appears that you and I are thinking of similar things these days. I hope your health is better. Seeing that you have written brings me (and countless others, doubtless) GREAT JOY.

from teop :

loved your poem for elliot - such a tragic ending for him, and yet your poem captures it so perfectly - so dyi - so indie - so lo-fi. thank you....

from floodtide :

Yes, I sent you a password. But here it is again: username - theboathouse (no space). password - penge

from uglykatey :

you're not dead!!!!

from thepoint :

this is just to say i have eaten the plums that were in the ice box and which you were probably saving for breakfast forgive me they were delicious so sweet and so cold. wcw. i'm leaving to go to new orleans in three hours john. my roommate em and i are driving from madison. and then i'm getting drunker than drunk and i will find love in the sky or concrete.

from venusinfurs :

you stupid, people worship you. you just have to show some effort. your diary has reached a gross of entries, just so you know. i stopped writing in mine because yong was reading it to put more perspective on our arguments or something. i started writing another one, but i have nothing good to say. i actually do have a story about all the animals i have burried in the garden here, but i can't bear to retell it. i feel sick tonight. i hope you don't

from teop :

welcome back - i've missed you....

from uglykatey :

hmm.

from floodtide :

That you even EXIST, still, makes my heart sing; that you wrote made it sing more loudly and more happily; that you wrote and thought about ME makes me ecstatic. Of course I want you to read my diary. Tell me how to e-mail you the password, because I'm reluctant to post it here, "publicly" sort-of, in your notes section. On the other hand, I love you so much and I want you to read it so much I might change my mind: If you don't want to send me an e-mail address, just leave me a NOTE, and I'll leave my password here and just ask that you then delete the note - how's that? Love, flood.

from thepoint :

come around.

from floodtide :

Okay, so where have you been? Please update, or at least drop me a note, to let me know if you are okay (or, for that matter, if you are not) - I worry when you go so long without writing. And I truly miss you and your beautiful words. Love, flood

from venusinfurs :

as long as theyre safe in your scrapbook. how did that missle attack go? still smoking?

from thepoint :

you ought to. i'm single. and so is my not boyfriend. we'll be in magical love when we're not crazy anymore, which is never, so i'm against this whole arrangement. he won't put out. so where you at homeslice?

from tanglespine :

dumb

from tanglespine :

duran duran n' diary land, gotta hit tha' salon you wanna rock this tan

from jcruelty :

if one encounters buddha on the road, one should run away. (catch your quarry by letting it escape)

from tanglespine :

constipated always struck as a more appropriate bit for all the nonsense. belated yes but pleased to find you still the virile n' excitable male voyeurism enthusiast that stole away the heart n' head I uploaded into this pile of bunk. my tiny toe is twitchy n' I can't decide if it's the speed or leaving you yellow rectangles

from teop :

i have this song in my head but can't figure out what it is....the lyrics go something like this..."please don't go....don't go away....." i thought it was styx, but it's not...but then "come sail away, come sail away, come say away with me, lads..." started to spin in my head. in any case, i hope "done" can be "undone" at some point in time..."she's, come undone..."

from bettinas :

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone said that once in a while?

from bettinas :

Please stay. Don't give up.

from teop :

"I have seen them riding seaward on the waves/Combing the white hair of the waves blown back/When the wind blows the water white and black./We have lingered in the chambers of the sea/By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown/Till human voices wake us, and we drown." May we be deaf to human voices and stay beneath the waves - riding on the tortoise shell. :)

from teop :

i love the image you have on your site of the two people side by side in the boats. it reminds me of this saying i learned from my mom- "the sea is so wide and my boat is so small". i guess all our "boats" are small, but to be able to reach out and find another with whom to sail the seven seas - someone who just might hear you screaming from beneath the waves....that would be truly special...

from bettinas :

Let's see...that doesn't sound familiar to me, but since it featured guitar it may be an arrangement of something. My first inclination was to say it was an arrangement of one of the Bach Brandenburg Concertos, but you said it sounded more contemporary. I think I remember Lukas Foss writing a piece for guitar...maybe try him? p.s. forgive me for asking, but why are you dying?

from teop :

interesting....my question now is, have you ever had a tommy gnosis??

from bettinas :

So much beauty.

from dumb-john :

note to self: tomorrow's "Talk of the Nation" on NPR is about "the cruelty of god," tune in. use the store name "bed, booty and beyond" sometime. also write about world politics and "the axis of feeble." Ok, go to sleep now jonathan.

from teop :

you are priceless...I love your entries and can't wait until I will have some free time to go back and read the earlier ones. I'm so glad some of my buddies' buddy lists lead me to you...they love you, I love you, I love them...I say we all get married and move to Utah! hahahahhaha (apologies to any Mormans who may be reading... I do not mean to be offensive...)

from venusinfurs :

by the way i took that picture of myself, holding the camera up, awkwardly, whilst rolling in the grass of my grandmother's indiana backyard. and thats a very low res version of it, did you yank it from my livejournal? the colors are pretty good in the original, according to my mother's professor, good enough to get her an 'A' on her photography final and also be exhibited in the prestigious purdue university extension gallery. you don't love me or yong anymore?

from uglykatey :

your friends are nice.

from carbonbased :

You are my sunshine, my only shining of the sun, dumb-john. You make me felicitous when the skies are grayishly tinted. You will never know how much I love you alas, I do hope that no one will take you to another place that is not here. Etc.

from floodtide :

Hey, Beautiful. God, I have missed you. And I've been thinking of you a lot lately, and not just when the "Cats" sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off comes out for a jog in the warm weather. Have thought often of writing, but knew I had actually to do so when I read today's stunning poem. And I know it's been too long since I've written since when I clicked on your notes page there are ALL THESE NOTES in between my last one and this one, most of them from new folks, strangers - I found myself actually jealous. My own damn fault, like most things in life. Anyway, I want you to marry me and not bicyclelove, even though I'm sure bicyclelove is a terrific person. Or at least keep writing poems and think of me sometimes when you do. Love, Flood.

from bicyclelove :

ps, will you marry me?

from bicyclelove :

thanks for the notes.. don't worry about being clumsy. and i'm not all that brave and strong. my college forced me to take a medical leave and stay with my parents so i could get clean, i could never have done this at home in portland. and i don't know what i'll do when i go back. lately i've been completely fixated on thinking about it constantly, and i was only doing it regularly for about 2 months... you aren't really going to die are you?

from dumb-john :

now that you mention it, no, i don't. my error! thanks for pointing that out!

from dumb-john :

you, fuckface. you see anyone else here?

from dumb-john :

um, was that intended for moebius69 or was that directed to me?

from dumb-john :

you suck. shut the fuck up and die already.

from moebius69 :

"The doctor says that my risk for stroke or heart attack is high; but I knew that already, I guess." Sigh. Welcome to the club. You know my story; your mother pronounced me dead years ago. Every time I get heartburn these days I have a momentary twinge of panic, sure that this is it, my number's being called. And then one day for sure I'm going to have an actual heart attack I'll be sitting there clutching my chest in dumb disbelief and confusion: "Damn, I keep popping RolAids and nothing's happening." Whatever.

from phoenixchild :

You asked me over a year ago if I'd ever read Tom Stoppard, and I didn't remember that until I was looking through my notes and I saw you ask me that... which is weird, because I just finished Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead, but, yeah. Just felt like telling you that.

from moebius69 :

um, there is one good thing about April 14 that you might appreciate = it's my birthday. i threw a party last Friday. we whacked at 2 pi�atas; danced salsa, the Funky Chicken, the Supermarket Cart, and the Chase the Cat; and drank a toast to the ghost of Emil Legume: inventor of the Sparkling Electric Evanescent Surprise. Wish you coulda been there, it would've been twice as much fun.

from thepoint :

it's just you and me from here on out damnit john. sometimes i feel like i haven't filled you in properly. sometimes i feel like i've drawn outside the lines. loves.

from bicyclelove :

do you subscribe to dictionary.com word of the day? because "limn" was word-of-the-day last week. if you don't, it must be a sign... a sign that you have a large vocabulary? or maybe the cosmic energy that emanated from all those word-of-the-day emails subliminally implanted the word in your brain. anyway... i'm sorry about your distressing discovery...

from uglykatey :

jesus christ. if she's going to cheat on you then the very least you deserve must be something more than such a disgusting cliche. if i were you, she would be dead now.

from sythy :

february must be disappearing lover month. mine is gone, too. you have my best wishes.

from bicyclelove :

oh, i'm so so sorry, i was quoting. (leonard cohen, "avalanche"). sometimes i think if i put things in quotes no one will read it. but generally if sentences begin with capitals, it's not me. so your suspicion was correct-- i'm just not as poetic as leonard.

from uglykatey :

i read your drunk poems but i don't know how to equate math + holding hands + dancing. i'm not much of a poem person. but i am drunk too, and i would like to say hi. hi dumb john.

from bicyclelove :

no, it's called "german bodies: race and representation after hitler" by uli linke. it was a really disturbing cultural study of the ways in which nazi/holocaust/violence symbols and rhetoric have been used as metaphors for almost everything, by the politically far left as well as the far right. also, how german conceptions of blood and the purity of the body have taken various forms throughout history. apparantly germans use references to the holocaust in jokes and everyday conversation. like, at a really boring event, someone might say "it ought to be gassed." and there are video games about running death camps! it's pretty creepy.

from seastreet :

THAT was brilliant. How do you so successfully avoid being quotidian?

from moebius69 :

Jonathan, you may recall that you actually succeeded in evangelizing to me the splendor of Bo's prose, back in those faded, manipulated polaroid days of our early twenties. By that time I was finished with school and Earl Jackson and most of Santa Cruz. I was living in San Francisco, desperately trying to find some economic purchase among the obsidian cliffs of the early-90's recession, and feeling rather lonely. Bo's books were a refuge of sorts from all that postgraduate ennui. I eventually ended up taking a creative writing course from him, an eight-week-long affair that was taught in a strange little space (the back room of a former hair salon, if I recall correctly) above the "A Different Light" bookstore on Castro Street. To this day I think of it as the best and most productive creative writing class I've ever taken--and I majored in creative writing at UCSC, so that's no small compliment. Bo was the only writing teacher I've ever had who pointed out imperfections in stories and made students write them over again and again until they were of more-or-less publishable quality. I learned a lot about writing from paying attention to how he honed in on those imperfections and helped people to correct them. Bo was in the last months of his illness then (though I had no way of knowing this at the time) and yet he had more passion in him then than all of my creative writing teachers back at school had had, combined. Reading your entry makes me want to read all of his books over again.

from dcarmell :

Jonathan, A friend pointed me at your recent blog about Bo Huston. I'm Dan Carmell, Bo's partner (check the dedication in RM). Just wanted to say that I liked your entry a lot--it brought back good (and bad) memories of a time when more seemed possible. Your piece had a few mythical elements in it, which I liked and Bo would have greatly enjoyed (no blood cleaning or blindness--the treatment in Switzerland was herbal I/M injections, but likely bogus, as most alternative treatments were at that time). You may not know this, but Bo's last book, a novella and several short stories (The Listener), was published in late 1993, shortly after his death. I have a box or two of this book, so if you'd like a copy, please email me and I'll send it to you. Bo's four published books really represent something like what might be called his "juvenile" work. Besides missing him greatly, I wish he had been able to stick around long enough to write more. I have a blog, rednjack.blogspot.com, that is quietly fading away, but you might be interested in 12/25 entry, which, like several other morose entries, talks about and to Bo. If the reading you arranged was up in Seattle, by the way, I believe I remember Bo talking about you afterwards. In any case, thanks for the piece. best, Dan Carmell [email protected]

from venusinfurs :

dear jonathan, i am sitting in yongs room, he is passed out drunk. i am feeling quite lonely, i go on diaryland to discover that you not only think of me, but aparently think i look like anna karina. oddly, it gives me a feeling like i got an A+ on the attractiveness portion of my report card. sure i dance around the room at bit, and use my magnetism to hang the feeling on the refrigerator, but what now? i feel worthless. i watched spirited away about an hour ago, i almost died. have you seen this thing? -stephanie

from phoenixchild :

I won't eat you, don't worry. Well, I might. But you have to realize that I'll probably eat more of the people my age first, since I'm one of about five exceptions. Have you ever actually read the diary of any other 14 year olds on diaryland? Seriously, look into it.

from seastreet :

Just because I'm the most gullible person on earth, I have to ask: do you really have a belt buckle with that line from The Inferno on it? And if so, where can I get one?

from livvietapper :

Hey there! I don't have Mo Tucker's solo album, I'll look out for it though - I've heard it was good before. I can't even listen to my Velvet Underground CD at the moment - its trapped in my fucking broken stereo. I've never heard Ear (presuming they're a band). You like Richard Hell - do you like Television then? Oh and how did you find my diary, if I can ask?

from floodtide :

Oh, Jesus. Not one but two stunning, gorgeous, prose-poem d-j entries in one evening. Add to them the notion that your belt buckle tells me to abandon hope, should I enter there. Now I'm REALLY turned on. I shall console myself by interpreting your rare but intriguing vaguely-non-heterosexual allusions in such a way as to satisfy my rampant imagination. As I said: just think of the possibilities... (Damn, I forgot. I'm married. <sigh.....>) Love, Flood.

from floodtide :

Not as much as "one small thrust of your hips" while singing "Wee-tuuhrrn, my wuuuhv!" turns ME on. Oh, the possibilities...

from floodtide :

Hey, gorgeous. I need your help. (Oh, first of all: last couple entries are especially wonderful. But then, they all are.) Seastreet is telling me I must must must read saucy-carbon, but her diary is password-locked and she is accepting no new notes. Would you please ask her if she'd consider e-mailing me her password? Also: how the hell are you? You haven't written me for forever; what's a boy to think? ("Come home, Lassie, all is forgiven.") Love, Flood

from bicyclelove :

likes to read. likes drugs. likes me. likes to do drugs with me and read books. that's my three.

from sythy :

i really like that entry.

from thepoint :

john, i'm brave and i'm alone. i'm brave and i'm lonely. i'm brave and i'm a bitch. i'm brave and i'm deprived. i'm brave and i'm happy. i'm brave and i'm a writer. i'm brave and you are a time machine. i'm brave and you are a toaster. i'm brave and you are a genius. i'm brave and the sun will set tomorrow. i'm brave and so are you!

from bicyclelove :

hello, i wrote you an email but maybe you didn't get it. it said, you should credit donna and me for our "poem," which was written in a trance on acid.

from floodtide :

Nobody else but you, darling. You rock my world, do you know that? Happy New Year. Love, Flood.

from moebius69 :

dear dumb-jonny: i remember that concert! i was there with you. it was at a venue sadly no longer extant named <i>The Kennel Club</i>. i don't recall any details from the show other than the fact that Stereolab and Unrest made quite a racket together, the fact that i was drinking Guiness (having just discovered how much i liked it), the fact that you (and chip? ray? calvin? yong? marlo?) was there, and the fact that for awhile at least, all seemed right with the world. i had that moment, and for it i'm grateful.

from uglykatey :

i just read about mary from stereolab dying, right before reading your diary. ohhh its horrible. thats why i don't ride a bicycle (and because i'm lazy and have bad balance). p.s. your next entry is going to be your 100th entry

from bicyclelove :

the message below was written before reading your diary, after reading several entries i have to say-- i love you.

from bicyclelove :

hello, thank you for making a communist ring. i <3 marx. and you like langley and m.e. kerr! her books also changed my life... my langley obsession has subsided a bit, but i love their version of "rhiannon". -becky

from floodtide :

Dear Creature (naked, bestial, squatting upon the ground): Again I feel compelled to write though I can offer only the most impotent words of empty comfort. (Perhaps I'm feeling compelled because - no surprise - that happens to be my favorite Hart Crane poem.) Anyway: I'm sorry for your pain and loss. People who won't TALK really suck, don't they? I'm glad you like the poem, lame as it may be in terms of real poetry; it was written with real affection. I'm thinking about you. A lot. Love, ft

from thepoint :

i think i was brave because i know the situation is literally making me go crazy. i'm not a person to be anxious, but this has made me one...throwing up and dry heaving, not falling asleep until 3 or 4 and being up like a lightening bolt by 7. i truly hate it, and i'm just trying to help myself get better.

from floodtide :

I wrote ya a poem, ya big galoot. Come read it. Love, Flood.

from uglykatey :

grrarrr.. can google still cache it if i lock my diary? that might be what i have to do, if i want to stay out of trouble...

from uglykatey :

grrarrr.. can google still cache it if i lock my diary? that might be what i have to do, if i want to stay out of trouble...

from floodtide :

When I am being simultaneously brilliant and adorably but utterly naive, my favorite Aunt responds by calling me "Sweet Fool." You will probably have no trouble whatsoever imagining that this happens rather often. Hence: Sweet Fool - You mentioned wanting to feel like a little boy again; well, I don't know if I want to hug you or put you over my knee. Both, I suppose. I'm so sorry about all the drama and the obviously deep pain. But you write about it magnificently and touchingly. And your writing about the Guillermo-Torres exhibit (the Art Institute is very possibly my favorite place on the planet) was so beautiful - hauntingly so. Where you did indeed amuse me - for such was your wish - was "sullen about the lack of praise." Sweet fool! This is where my cognitive dissonance comes from; i.e., hug him or spank him? I know exactly how that feels: 'sullen from the lack of praise.' I also know that you know that however real the sulking feels, it is irrational and self-indulgent at best. It's like me writing how hurt I was that none of my 'real-life' (ooh, let's don't go THERE) friends didn't write to wish me good luck for the audition. I needed hugging and smacking, too. As most of us usually do. Anyway: the 'sonnet' poem is STUNNING, like all your poetry, and I had in fact read it, but (Sweet Fool) you must forgive me for not guessing that 'for ft' meant ME. It would never have occurred to me. I am still not sure I understand why you like me so much, so the idea that you would think about me enough to write me a poem is simply outside my sphere of possible realities. You are extraordinarily beautiful.

from floodtide :

Dear Winged-and-Nimble Messenger: I'm missing you. Come back and write. I don't know you, so I've no idea if your absence is a good thing or a bad one, a sign of happiness that has no need to chronicle itself, or a depression that incapacitates. But I think of you often, always with love and admiration, and I'm longing to read your always-wonderful words. Please write soon. Love, Flood.

from thepoint :

would you let me slip my hands in between the skin and muscle of your back to get them warm john?

from tanglespine :

ahhh but it is in fact quite the opposite when it comes to my bathing activities, perhaps a quick review of the statement would be in order. I do constantly think about boiling frogs however.

from nikatron :

oh dumb-john, i miss your entries. please don't be too tired or too busy anymore. i suggest you go out and buy something by Joseph Nothing... and settle into your bedroom and wallow and/or rejoice while you listen, but be alive again, to this silly diary and the silly people who care about what you say.

from thepoint :

can't remember if you're in the vacinity or not, but have you seen any billboards that read like this lately? stoners think it's dry now? wait till october seventh. this message brought to you by the fbi. "we're not scare mongering this is really happening"

from floodtide :

Compelled to write again. Feeling very alone. Why I should want to tell YOU that I don't know. Your'e cursed, I suppose, as I am, to be the Nick type to everyone else's Gatsby. I know, I know: I was bound to have a crash, sooner or later, after so much unbridled euphoria. Only natural. Just wish it could have been later instead of sooner. I'm hurting. I'm okay, though. I hope you're okay, too. I really do.

from uglykatey :

hmmm... maybe "gooded lucked" would be a good past tense of good luck. and a gooded lucked to you too. i think i did well on my midterm although i don't remember taking it now. lack of sleep is horrible, i used to be an insomniac and now i never go less than five hours. i feel old.

from sprhrgrl :

I doubt it, about San Diego. I loathe it. Perhaps you caught me in a rare spurt of optimism.

from tanglespine :

and shall there be a date put on this rare chicago sojourn? don't worry about the drugs 'n guns though, already more than enough to go round.

from tanglespine :

when are you gonna be up?

from floodtide :

Hello, Beautiful Man. Sorry you're feeling so depressed. Assuming that I don't have actually to worry about you if you're noticing that the carpeting needs to be vacuumed, and since you were able to get back into the chair to write about it. Why I should feel compelled - and I am, indeed, compelled - to keep writing to you I don't know. But I find myself want to do it, satisfied when I have done. And darn it if you're not a Murakami fan, too. Wherever you live, can we have coffee sometime? WInston-Salem, by the way, has the best coffee shop/bakery I've found anywhere in quite a while. A welcome change from small-town Utah. I am confused about the path of my life. I should have known it was going to catch up with me by now; I've been coasting for close to five years now. Love, ft

from uglykatey :

hi, thank you for the encouraging words. i saw the santa cruz marijuana thing on the local news just the other night. love, melanie. p.s. billy says hi.

from thepoint :

dear john. why do i always get the shaft? heart brianna.

from floodtide :

Your entry this morning is spectacular; my own entry today points readers to seastreet; I am going back to point them to you, too. Thanks for your beautiful letter. You are extraordinary. "...There was a star danced, and under that were you born."

from venusinfurs :

bleck, where is my secret diary? scream scream. give it to me.

from thepoint :

hey sexy baby. i hate to use such graphic language, but my professors are drilling it into me. all is well on the island. come over to my stretch of the beach someday will you?

from phoenixchild :

By the way I was making a joke, in the irony of that.

from phoenixchild :

It's not a pimp hat, like most people think. It's my Madonna hat. Muahaha.

from heroldcall :

shhhhhh.....

from dammitol :

Hey. haha. 434 days, huh. Well... I do keep a rather ornate "journal" at LJ. This one is where I put the toys when I take them out of the closet. What's your favorite song on "Storytelling"? You can still find the occasional "www.livejournal.com/users/takealookaround".

from uglykatey :

strep is so very chic right now. everyone who's anyone is catching it. me and danica both read the same article in vogue about how strep is "the cocaine & whiskey of the new millenia back to school movement" and we just had to climb aboard. glad you aren't dead. i wish i were.

from tanglespine :

alas, you can expect no drunken phone call from meself but damn did the jesus mecha chillin' out above the trees of arkansas make cause for a bit of alarm. clearly the japanese so ripped off all the progressive 'n innovative mid-west fundamentalists out there! still, mecha jesus managed to come off chiseled as if he had just walked off the rocky horror set.

from nikatron :

i wish i had gotten your note BEFORE i got my cold and shuffled around the video store for 45 minutes trailing kleenexes and germs behind me. so i have not seen in praise of love. i wish there was something i knew that you didn't already know so i could tell you and it could make you happy for a little while. if nothing just go outside and bounce messages off of the stars. they are little satellites into other people's brains. i promise.

from venusinfurs :

my dear, you were gone last night, expect a drunken phone call from me sometime tonight around 1 am. i love you.

from phoenixchild :

I've looked EVERYWHERE for the radio version, and cannot find it. I can find bits and pieces of it but not the entire thing. And as for h2g2, I go there alll the time. I'm actually a member ("Altoidia Snicket") but I never actually add anything.

from floodtide :

Dear d-j: The e-mail address that popped up when I clicked on your site didn't work; the e-mail I sent bounced back as 'nondeliverable.' Here's the text; sorry for the length: James Merrill's voice speaks, even as I write; I followed web searches and links to the NYTimes Book Review, and it turns our there are RealPlayer excerpts of readings he'd given. I read Helen Vendler's review of 'Braving the Elements'; that Vendler should have reviewed the book is an appropriate coincidence; I'm using her commentary on Shakespeare's Sonnets as I study them for my fall job and her patterns of thought and language are very much in my thoughts these days. Hope it's not presumptuous to write to you, but your writing inspires me, and your notes to me have gladdened me and challenged me. And you like Isak Dinesen, too! (Baroness Von Blixen knew her Shakespeare; she quotes the boys' elegiac song from "Cymbeline" - Shakespeare's most beautiful song, in all the canon, by far - over Finch-Hatton's grave.) Do you know Michael Cunningham's novel <Flesh & Blood>? A chapter ends with someone reading out loud to a drag queen losing her sight because of AIDS, from a novel, the title of which isn't given, but the first line turns out to be, "I had a small farm in the Ngong Hills..." and of course I burst into tears. However: I am a very poor reader of poetry, I am rather ashamed to admit - my love of Shakespeare's verse notwithstanding. Perhaps I lack the patience. Poetry takes patience. But there are poets I love: Anne Sexton, Stephen Dobbins (love "Common Carnage" with passion). However: I'll now have to add "Braving the Elements" to my books-I'll-buy-or-order-next; the excerpts in Vendler's review and your quote have grabbed me with strong hooks. If you feel like writing back, I'd be pleased, but please don't feel pressured. I'm headed back home soon, but [email protected] is always accessible. Thanks again.

from floodtide :

Thanks again, and now I have to ask: What is the poem? I don't recognize it at all. It's as lovely and generous a 'comment' as you could list under my diary-name, but who wrote it? Please enlighten me...

from tanglespine :

straightdope.com is bordering on a life changing experience, and I don't even have to send them all my income!

from floodtide :

Wow. THANKS. I don't remember when I've received such generous and enthusiastic compliment. I don't think of myself as a writer, so I was genuinely touched by your words about my "Road to Perdition" entry. (None of my friends - none of them - was as transported by the movie as I was, by the way.) All of that said, even without being listed among your favorite entries, anybody who quotes any Chaim Potok title - ESPEICALLY <My Name is Asher Lev> - is a friend of mine. I've started checking out your diary, but am having sporadic luck with its layout and my antique browser. More soon.

from nikatron :

la la la. i did not recognize the sukoshi. give me a week and i'll be able to discuss it like a pro. i have to go to chicago first. stoppard? yes, i have seen all of them and was actually in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead in high school... we had a student director... it turned out terribly, but the script was lovely. he's not really my favorite. i'm just bad about favorite authors and terribly indecisive and am now too lazy to erase it. so... yes. there you have it. i want to look you up in the birthday book. ( my new bible ) what day were you born?

from moebius69 :

o my sillysilly jonnypie: this news of your social disassociation may send shudders down the collective spine of your still fairly freshly hatched fan club, but i'm not fooled. over the years and decades i've entered several periods where our disconnection seems permanent, irrevocable. and of course it's always at the edge of that event horizon that i'll receive a surly email from "[email protected]" or "[email protected]" or "[email protected]" admonishing me for the ever-expanding porn collection, demanding that i repent. and i'll think: aw, the boy's alright after all. i gots nothing but mad love for ya baybee, always have, always will. no matter how many miles between us.

from tanglespine :

oh I'll get you a shirt for sure. Some disagreement over whether or not the quote should be on it so two batches might end up in the works. This means you'll have one more choice along with color, size, style 'n all that groovy jive

from venusinfurs :

my dear, you have me frantic. answer your phone for christsake. im crocheting you a scarf for those brisk san diego winds. i la la love you and i need to talk to you tonight. please be alright. love forever

from tanglespine :

haha yeah too bad he's not around now, I'm sure he'd be quite pleased with the number of kidneys as well as personal chemists he could acquire with the 2 million minority report sent his families way. as for the additional book recommendation, I welcome as many as your willing to offer. Just started journey to the end of the night 'n I've not yet decided where I'm going from there, though valis has been tempting these last few days.

from dumb-john :

ha, someone just got to my page by entering "Cliff's Note Fiddler On The Roof" in Google! My god, how lazy can you get? I HOPE TO GOD THAT THIS PERSON GETS AN A+++ IN HIS/HER "1970s YIDDISH MUSICALS" CLASS! SHALOM ALEICHEM!

from saucy-carbon :

Oh John, you incorrigible rascal you!

from tanglespine :

well it reads like this letter could leave its hapless victims with quite the case of rabies. It's a wonder you didn't go spinning into a palm tree and off a cliff in some wild pin ball bit right out of a CHiPs episode while so caught up in internal composition. I'm most certainly pleased too know that your still intact though surely it would have made for quite the tragically romantic exclamation point to the whole wondrous reverie. One which would leave even Erik Estrada convulsing 'n foaming love goo at the mouth.

from thepoint :

i'm on the island. i'm lookin around. and if you're here, you shouldn't hide from me because i'm already pretty confused. his trial got postponed again, and i believe you will laugh when you hear the ridiculous nature of what mandates getting a trial moved back again for 2 months. "there has been a fault on behalf of the prosecution (da), such to the nature that the trial must be postponed, and the fault for which the postponement must be honored is that we have not properly, scientifically weighed the substance." no really, are you on the island? i'm looking around john.

from phoenixchild :

Oh. Why didn't you just say kung-fu then? (Sorry I'm a bit out of it at the moment I haven;t slept in quite a while aand I often lose all ttyping and reading skills during the window of time from now until I wake up in the omrning so that might niot have made much sense).

from phoenixchild :

I hope when you say 'chess grandmaster' in your profile that you aren't actually implying that I can play chess, or even know how to, because I can't. Just random thoughts.

from tulipbaroo :

I am back, and I still love your writing. Tricky how that works. Talk to you soon.

from tanglespine :

uh-oh

from nikatron :

do not stop talking to yourself. someone is always listening.

from butterfrog :

i heart you. you are a genious.

from amelindasue :

what an absolutely beautiful bit of Italian poetry. :) I have understood and appreciated it. Hurrah to my foreign language skills!

from venusinfurs :

what else could anyone be made for besides life? ryan mack wants to marry me, but i dont know that i will take him up. i have no trust for him. i still love you though, my little burma cow. i was not on the phone, i was out popping vicodin and smoking pot all night and trying to forget my dilema. jennifer and david were probably on the internet. i will call you now.

from tanglespine :

This caveman is quite consistently left reminded after arriving here that writing should be left the to much more capable fatties than he. He'll just stick to hitting shit with crowbars from now on.

from thepoint :

it was...intent to sell & traffic, alleged manufacture--which is complete and utter bullshit, resisting arrest, other petty charges. with a court appointed attorney it looked like he would get at least 10. it happened in ashville, s carolina. now i've heard people say they think he'll only get a month, or he'll only get six, a year, whatever...5 year probation in the state of arrest, there has been much speculation about what to do with a really smart kid who has no prior offenses and was illegally apprehended, and who managed to get himself one really, really bombass lawyer who's specialty is getting good people out of trouble for selling good drugs. but they moved his trial back a week or two at least--all of this is not the point--the point, drugs should be legal and we should get an island.

from saucy-carbon :

Sweet tiny Bruce

from dumb-john :

um, okay.

from venusinfurs :

dear john, my wandering fiancee, when you call me at work i will not have the heart to speak to you. take these other women, these whorish muses, leave me be.

from violet-sneer :

i wonder, lovely boy, what shaking occurance took plave that would leave you in need of a pair of happy to help bandaids? ...and games of hide and seek...

from violet-sneer :

as a matter of fact, dear sir, i do have quite an abundance of smiley faced bandages. they aren't bloody though... i have one on m toe right now, actually. they are yellow and happy. would you like one or two or nine?

from phoenixchild :

I know that Tim Curry could kick Ewan McGregor's ass... I was already aware. I'm just thinking, they're not going to cast Tim Curry to play Frank Furter AGAIN, because that's not what you do with remakes. You cast someone else. Of course. There are few who could kick Tim Curry's ass, and he will always be the best transvestite from the Transylvanian galaxy. Also, the Ben phase means nothing about age. I fall in and out of my Ben Folds obsessions every few months since I've discovered him.

from violet-sneer :

the only place i'll be meeting anyone anytime soon is down the street for pizza and rootbeer floats. next summer, however, next summer i can meet you in france. or italy. or greece or spain or china. assuming neither of us choke on our own bile and die before then.

from saucy-carbon :

we all need to bask in the glory that is the Ilhan, dumb-john. every last one of us. I especially, as you have come to see, since he is the epitome of silly diaryland entry-fodder and I, the epitome of a silly diary-keep. or something to that effect.

from violet-sneer :

i'm sorry. i was there a whole summer ago. a whole year! how long it's been! but anyway. 7 it is, apparently, and i also enjoy chocolate fondue (though not as much as chocolate mousse). i'll see you in the morning then! hooray for boat rides and cliff diving!

from violet-sneer :

excuse me sir. in cassis it is gorgeous and reckless and ugly and twisted. perhaps the two of us could go for crepes du chocolate and wine? just a day in sickly splendor, a walk on the pramenade, a tiny skip by the zoo. just a few choking moments to forget our hang ups. what do you say? i'll pick you up at 7.

from stumbleine7 :

Haha, i thought it was. I actually kind of liked it. I dunno if I liked it enough to OWN it, but it wasn't that bad. We watched it over two class meetings and I told my friend after the first class I was so excited to see the ending, and he just rolled his eyes at me. It was good enough to keep my attention and maybe worthy of a 2nd viewing...but probably not many more than that!

from stumbleine7 :

Is Les parapluies de Cherbourg the movie with the Umbrella store? and it's all in French and it's a musical? I think we watched that in my film course last semester, haha! I honestly didn't think anyone else had seen it.

from tanglespine :

ahh, appreciation expressed with such lovely eloquence, tis good to read such things at this early hour. yes reading k. dicks work as a kid was definitely a good thing as I shudder to think just how much more ridiculously droll and ignorant I'd be now if I had not.

from tanglespine :

minority report is today, I'm sure it can't be the worst interpretation of dick that has made it to film(I hope) not yet read valis, though it seems to be the most interesting of his works that I've managed to to pass over, especially if it is partially autobiographical. As for windtalkers, I go see all of woos new films for the same reason the star wars kiddies go see the latest installation of the lucas bunk. Hoping the old guys will pull something fresh out of their asses, which of course doesn't happen, though I think you'd still come away much less disappointed than the kiddies.

from bettinas :

Dear Heathcliff, Will you marry me? Best wishes, Cathy

from edithpilaf :

edithpilaf is female and she hates san diego as much as she loves neutral milk hotel. hello.

from tanglespine :

ahh to be happy... methinks one must be on guard when such nonsense comes about. never fear though as such a preposterous state of consciousness will invariably fail to trouble you for long ;)

from tanglespine :

hehe we'll its good to be proud now and again I suppose =) any-hoo I hope this doesn't find you too irate, and yes thank-you my woeful condition seems to be improving quite nicely. fun fun fun

from tanglespine :

kidding oneself surely makes for such grand melodrama at such times as these no? Just the right warmed remedy till the dust resettles and all is once again as right proper as it ever just manages to be.

from jinxremoving :

i thought you were making a play on the marx quote. and i still think that opium of the masses implies something slightly different than the opiate of the masses. but perhaps thats what youre shooting for. ah well. - jinxed, the nintendo of the masses

from jinxremoving :

..not "opium of the masses"

from jinxremoving :

its "opiate of the masses"

from violet-sneer :

darling if you'd like, you can search through my vast ammounts of rainbow print and smiley faced bandaids... i hope you feel better. and if ever you do start crying, i promise you will stop. xoxo lovely.

from venusinfurs :

get drunk and ride bikes with me, smoke pot and swim naked with me. how far away are you? im dying for you.

from starwatching :

I think that I will call you Cliff, I really enjoy your diary, you have a wonder taste in life and stating how totally fucked up it can be. Kristina

from venusinfurs :

do you exist? i am meat. love me.

from bettinas :

You are eerily smart. I did know that about Auden. In fact, he insisted that poem not be published while he was still alive. Not only did he toy with the line "We must love one another or die" but he tried removing the entire stanza, which is my favorite in the whole poem. I thought your poem was fantastic. And I do not like poetry, as a rule.

from violet-sneer :

i think another response of mine is to add you to my ever growing list of favourites. no, one better. you will replace one lucky loser on my list of favourites. hooray for mid season replacements!

from bettinas :

SODOMIZE MY CABBAGES! You're Brilliant.

from violet-sneer :

to that respone to my response, i have only one response: ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha he he he he he he he he he ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho cough cough sputter choke gag die. thank you very much.

from violet-sneer :

i don't know how to respond to that. except with maybe a giggle.

from violet-sneer :

i don't know how to respond to that. except with maybe a giggle.

from venusinfurs :

i never mind you leaving me notes, im absolutely jealous of this colleen girl though...and i don't even know you.

from violet-sneer :

you make me laugh time 95 million.

from venusinfurs :

aren't we the ugly cassanova of diaryland? of montreal is beautiful.

from bettinas :

See, it's just that I hadn't seen that site before and it inspired me to let the wonderbitch out who usually hides behind my genuine self in the guise of caring about people and loving them. So I wrote a bunch of letters, and somebody found them...it's really not interesting. I just wanted an excuse to write you a note.

from bettinas :

your link to lettersanon got me in a lot of trouble a couple of weeks ago. But I still like you.

from nikatron :

Should I be distraught that you have decided not to analyze my diary? I thought any insight you might have would have been very helpful, but i guess it's too late. After I'm done crying, I think I'll be okay.

from unamerican :

dear john [can i call you cliff?] my hands are cold, but i'll move them over the right keys for long enough to tell you that you just made my horrible schoolday brighter.

from phoenixchild :

Oh gee, thanks. Ten or eleven. That's an insult to my personality (if you had known me at eleven, it REALLY is). I'm proud to say I'm older than you think I am... I'm just hopelessly in love with Ewan McGregor. Oh, come on, my 40 year-old cousin is. I'M surely allowed to be.

from bettinas :

I'm glad you're not disenchanted, although I haven't had anything worthwhile to say lately. It kind of goes along with my existence. Although, truth be told, beaucoup drama en ma vie ce weekend...I too have moments where it seemed like things would be easier if I were only dead.

from ophelia79 :

nice 'oh'. very eloquently spoken. ha ha. just wanted to drop a note and say hey, and i like your diary. have a good day.

from phoenixchild :

Yeah, that Elton John song... is also in Moulin Rouge. (grin) Ewan McGregor has a gorgeous voice and the combination (Ewan McGregor singing + good lyrics) makes me love that song.

from phoenixchild :

a) You're really bad at listing things. 2) 'Friends' is definitely where I get my entry titles. c) Uh... 4) Defend Moulin Rouge to you? Uhm... Ewan McGregor's extraordinarily hot. Sappy love story which I am in love with. I also have a musical fetish 4) You have two number fours. e) Never read Tom Stoppard.

from bettinas :

You are my new favorite person. Even though you make me want to do drugs again. That might not, however, be a bad thing. Cruel, beautiful word, n'est-ce pas?

from venusinfurs :

your writing gives me butterflies

from phoenixchild :

Oh, now, who says I'm 13? Hm- gotta go. I'm busy screaming in pain. Maybe I'll leave another note later.

from phoenixchild :

And I'd also like to add this: just because I don't list you doesn't mean I don't read you. I've got my list filled and I hate making people lose their self-esteem and taking them OFF my favorites list.

from phoenixchild :

THE PRODIGAL TEENAGER ARRIVES! You know, I think Lemony Snicket only has one 't'. Smack my ass and call me Linda, you don't care. I was just bored and I thought I'd leave you a note and I seem to always need a reason to leave someone a note. It's a physical impossibility for me to just say 'hey, yo, what's been up?'.

from amelindasue :

from starlight99 :

hi John, entschuldige dass ich nichts im chat gesagt habe! Ich war beim Schlafen. Danke fuer die Glueckwuensche :)

from amelindasue :

most amusing note that I have ever recieved! Highly wonderful! right-o... My first note was in response to you listing me a favorite... this made me happy, and so I was intregued by your diary and read the entire thing. The next day I found that I was no longer one of your favorites- a status drop in under a day. Meh, it matters not, I enjoy you either way. Smile, and have a good day!

from amelindasue :

well... there went my self esteem

from mee-loo :

there are times when im happy, times when im not. that's just generally. but thanx for trying, in narcissism or not. you command me to be less unhappy? well make me. =P hah.

from amelindasue :

favorite? me? why do people like me? I'll never understand.

from uglykatey :

aww. i am your favorite.

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