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messages to dvlsh1:
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from illusionless :
Hi, you know me already ;) I'm miedema2002 but I've abandoned that account and have started a new one here.
from illusionless :
I agree with you 100%!! I have never read a cosmo in my life and don't plan too. I don't need a mate to make me happy! I am self-sufficient. I actually had a talk with my roomie the other day about it. About how she said that since I moved in with her and her bf that her bf feels intimidated because it's like I have become the man of the house and she says for me to let him feel like he is taking care of me. I said plain and simple that I take care of myself and I won't let anyone else take care of me especially since he isn't really anything too me other then a landlord, and eventually a friend. Still to keep the piece I have to keep my mouth shut and give the illusion (excuse the pun) that he is taking care of his gf and me, but whatever. I am my own person. There are people like you and I out there. As for fairy tales what about Beauty and the Beast? Bell was fine before the beast came along. She was happy singing in the village, turning down the village hunk, and helping her father with his work. Then she took the time to get to know the beast and fall in love with him for who he was despite his looks. And she wasn't searching for anyone if I remember correctly, it just happened to her when she wasn't looking at all. I wonder if that is where that saying came from? Sounds like things are going well with you. Stay strong hun! All my love and best wishes.
from illusionless :
I love Y&R as well! I've been watching it for years! ^^ You go girl!
from miedema2002 :
No problem. I'm glad you liked it. :)
from dragprincess :
are you kidding? i think being a stay at home parent is the hardest job there is. i know i couldn't do it.
from miedema2002 :
I think you are completely in the right here, but it is up to you to decide whether it is worth speaking how you feel or not. I mean obviously if you tell her all this then she may be upset and there may be tension. Do you think it's worth dealing with the tension and trying to make your friendship work? Sorry I hope this helps a bit.
from dragprincess :
You worry about taking care of YOU.
from miedema2002 :
np ask me anything you like.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for the tag! I love little blog quizzes and games like this :). If you are interested in wanting to know how to put a direct link on your page I can show you. It's simple once you memorize the formula. Here is a basic cut and past formula you can use: <a href=http://blah blah.site name.com>link name</a> see? here is a real example. I will put the link to my page here to show you what I mean with the template above. <a href=http://miedema2002.diaryland.com>Miedema</a> That is what a direct link to my page would look like. so when you look at your page it will just say Miedema and if you click on it it will take you to my blog via the url. you can use that for anyones website to link onto your diary from diaryland to lj to myspace whatever! :D let me know if you want any more html help to make some of your links work or if you want any work done on your template or something k? Take care.
from dragprincess :
Amen, sister!! Brit Brit is hitting bottom, BIG TIME - and while I moan over the fact that she's such a trainwreck, how can I help wanting to reach out to a fellow sister addict?
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I really need to vent. I e-mailed my teacher but no response yet. I can't tell my parents because I know they will be mad and yell. I feel so alone because I'll bet noone else has ever had this happen to them! I feel like an idiot! I'm smart, even though I don't believe it, but it's this one course I can't grasp! I'm ashamed to ask for a tutor in fear that it will be someone from my class! I don't know what to do anymore. I can't handle school and I want to runaway from everything, but...where would I go? What would I do? The only reason I went back to college after I got out of hospital was becuase my parents said they'd kick me out on my ass on the streets and I was scared given my mental state, so I went back for the sake of having a roof over my head. I don't know what's wrong with me? I've fallen so far down and I can't get back up! I just want to kill myself so bad, so I don't have to live like this anymore! I feel like I have noone to help me or understand me at all accept all you D-land readers... Thank you for listening Dvlsh1.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for the birthday wishes! :)
from miedema2002 :
Thanks I've tried both already. A long time ago. I didn't have an ice pack or cubes and the rubber band doesn't work for me. I would whack it so hard my skin would turn red and swell anyways, so it didn't really work. but thanks for the tips.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. Maybe it is the weather. Combined with my mom acting like an idiot. I'll be ok. I hope you are too. Stay happy and strong!
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I think I've reached the point where I think I deserve to be happy and I'll shout it to whoever doesn't agree with me. I feel strong enough to face my step mom and put her in her place finally.
from fallen9angel :
My name doesn’t matter that much. Just something tossed together. But it is Alan Clark. I know that things hit me hard at night, which is when some people feel the worst. We feel like no one knows what we are going through. I know that is when it hits me hard. Call me whenever. Time is not an issue. To be honest I can’t stand to sleep much any more. But back to the point, any time you feel the need to talk to some one. Feel free to call. Any time day or night. We don’t pick the time; it forces us to make it known. T’s an honor to still serve help=319-290-8514. “what ever you need”
from fallen9angel :
My name doesn’t matter that much. Just something tossed together. But it is Alan Clark. I know that things hit me hard at night, which is when some people feel the worst. We feel like no one knows what we are going through. I know that is when it hits me hard. Call me whenever. Time is not an issue. To be honest I can’t stand to sleep much any more. But back to the point, any time you feel the need to talk to some one. Feel free to call. Any time day or night. We don’t pick the time; it forces us to make it known. T’s an honor to still serve help=319-290-8514. “what ever you need”
from hanonly :
Anti-inflammatory meds are totally safe, i have to take them from time to time for tension in my neck. There's absolutely no addictive natures at all in them. :)
from dragprincess :
totally get it. i'm afraid to be happy. how can i possibly deserve happiness? and frankly, doesn't happiness equal being normal and healthy? YIKES.
from fallen9angel :
if you want help call 319- 290-8514. anytime of day i can help. i know the pain pasted from life to life. my world is fucked up also.
from fallen9angel :
But I being poor have only my dreams. I have spread my dreams under your feet. Tread softly fore you tread on my dreams. you are one of the most beatific lifes i have came acrossed. you work hard to providedfor your kids. you give yourlife to the world and say fuck you to the normal. you have fought for so long, just let someone help you fight. if need be i will help sholder the berden. i have atleast three weeks till I’m back in the army. For some reason words can help. If nothing else, it would be an honor to meet you.
from miedema2002 :
I can relate in terms of moodiness. I don't think you are "off your rocker" at all.
from dragprincess :
Say it loud - that dichotomy in us just fucking sucks.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I did call the company and had them file the complaint with me on the phone. I heard them typing and the customer service representitve urged me to call the cops but I won't, but they said action will be taken. I dunno if I should follow up. I'll just use another cab company when needed.
from hanonly :
I'm here for you dEVIl, and I would never roll my eyes at you, Clean here for a couple of 2-3 years now (I lost count because I just don't give a f@#k) I never went to those kind of meetings, but I really struggled myself before I got in bad trouble and made it mandatory for myself. Everything goes away. I just always remember telling myself "Hey, I have the rest of my life to be pissed and selfish with everyone if I so choose, so don't give in now, and maybe later on in life I'll get so high I'll touch the sky again" ya know, so much time has past now (and not really that much) I don't even know why I thought those previous thoughts. Sure if I still worked at the same job, or hung with the same folks I would probably be high even today. Things all around have to take change. You have to find something new, and you will. I won't roll my eyes, I've seen those eyes.
from dragprincess :
you know to email me if you want to vent.
from dragprincess :
It's the curse of the recovering addict - we make all this progress, but can't believe we really deserve to get better. WE ARE WORTH IT!!!
from miedema2002 :
Congrats on your first day of college! :D Welcome to the grind!
from ohmegah :
when you see the name "ohmegah" whats the first thing that comes to your mind?
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for the kind words.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for the interview and advice! :)
from miedema2002 :
I'd love an interview thanks! emilymediema (at) hotmail (dot) com
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I don't think things will get better until the beginning of Sept. Because of all my ODSP and Loan issues, but the good thing is I am going home for a week to recoup at my moms. I'm looking forward too it.
from miedema2002 :
If you want to exercise for free you can. I learned in high school that you can exercise every part of your body and feel the burn without a single machine. If you are interested I can recall some of those exercises and make a list. Let me know. :)
from miedema2002 :
Thank you so much for your comment in your profile :) You are very brave as well and over 2 years of recovery from addiction is amazing! Keep it up and give yourself a pa on the back. You deserve it.
from miedema2002 :
Hi, I think this was the type of Gleek the survey was talking about. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gleeking#Example
from notme2000 :
You did? Did u get a username and password from me? I can't remember.
from dragprincess :
love that book and love the author, sophie kinsella. i also want to suggest another author, marian keyes - she's irish and wrote a book about her own recovery, plus a fiction book called "rachael's holiday" about a girl in rehab. excellent!
from marinka-mp :
Darling, its been a while since I have left a comment for you. But I haven’t forgotten you. I read you almost obsessively. Here are my two cents in your world of dilemma. The way I see it, marriage is simply a piece of paper stamped by the sate saying you are now in love. It plays no relevance how in love you are and how much you care for one another. I say, have the ceremony, wear the ring, give him the title of your husband but bypass the marriage license. Because your love is so strong to overlook a piece of paper that’s going to be locked up in a file cabinet next to your previous years tax returns. Your financial security is worth much more than a piece of paper. You know what I mean?
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. My counselor at the 519 has given me numbers for different trans and gay programs that I am looking into. I have tons of friends who love me for who I am and are ok with me no matter what I decide. It's always family that gets in the way of my happiness and my dreams and then I think bad thoughts about leaving them for good. That makes me a bad person doesn't it... oh well. Take care.
from marinka-mp :
Congrats! You are a strong willed proud woman.
from marinka-mp :
Girl...your comments dont like me. All this time i think i am leaveing you messages, but im such an airhead that i never went back to check. But i wanted to stop buy and give you a HUGE hug.
from dragprincess :
it sounds like she's testing boundaries and pushing to see how far she can go. keep it honest and real with her -- and it doesn't matter what other people think, it matters how YOU feel she's behaving and what she's learning.
from dvlsh1 :
testing to see if this works.. damn internet microsoft n bill gates lol
from dragprincess :
Wow, talking about this issue with my gf right now! We both suffered in high school with feeling different - she wound up being a loner, I wound up being a bully and a drug addict. It's amazing neither one of us wound up being a killer.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for the kind words. Wish me luck with the situation with my course and my teacher. I hope everything goes ok! Thank you for letting me know I am not alone in the whole not seeing my family thing. Wow three hours and they won't see you?? Mine only have to drive 45 mins to 1 hour to see me and they still don't so such it life! I can't have them in my life for now. It doesn't feel good. Does that make me a bad person?
from jonathan29 :
Oh yes...I know exactly what you mean about the food thing: when I got sober, I put on 30 lbs. In fact, I still wake up every night at 1:30 AM and have to eat something sweet. Why can't I crave lettuce instead? haha.
from miedema2002 :
I agree whole heartedly with your views on Christianity. I am Wiccan myself and I also practice spells, although I do not consider myself a witch until I get more practice. What spells do you use most often? Maybe we can share them. I have a braille binder full of spells that I use from time to time. It keeps it private. -Emily
from dragprincess :
that's right - everyone gets to keep the focus on themselves....
from fallen9angel :
thank you. (hey jude)
from dragprincess :
I am so happy that you're in my life.
from dragprincess :
2 years clean! you're a miracle! (and - hi, my name is abby, and i'm an addict.)
from dragprincess :
i'm taking 1 second from my isolation and self-pity to say: you are too fabulous.
from marinka-mp :
you are too funny. I am going to steal your entry
from dragprincess :
say it say it say it. this disease is no fucking joke.
from dragprincess :
You just unlocked the secret to recovery -- THE BEATLES.
from miedema2002 :
Wow you are right about the whole expectations and letting things go. I need to learn to let things go too. I hate it when people just expect me to know what I have to do next and get pissed and don't just spill it out and tell me what they want! It is very frustrating!
from dragprincess :
I've said it before and I'll say it again: expectations are premeditated resentments.
from dragprincess :
well! i stand corrected. then let me know if you ever want to go on a date ;)
from dragprincess :
wow, how sweet are you??? if you ever want to come to the dark side and turn lesbian, i want a date!
from fallen9angel :
i can hold myself, i give my power to you. all i have i give too you.
from dragprincess :
just keep in touch, ok?
from dragprincess :
eww. EWWWWW. who told you that your ideas about god/goddess were wrong??? honey, that is THEIR shit and my suggestion to you is, should someone say anything to you like that in the future, is "keep the focus on yourself." this is YOUR program. not theirs. if the god/goddess of your understanding keeps you clean (and let it be known that i see god as a "she" because that's what works for ME), then nothing else matters. NO SHAMING.
from dragprincess :
i've been quoted! i feel blessed.
from dragprincess :
slow down. let it be.
from dragprincess :
fierce! and you can always reach me at rayoflight0910@gmail.com
from dragprincess :
You are a rockstar!!!
from dragprincess :
How fierce are you?? That's right, if you relapse, you keep coming until you get it -- or you don't come back at all. No need to co-sign someone's bullshit. Let them own that. Not you.
from daisy-hit :
Nice diary:)
from dragprincess :
bah humbug, indeed...five pages for the 4th step?? i take it you're NOT doing the step out of the workbook, because there are about 14 million questions! i'm getting ready to start mine all over again too. ugh.
from fallen9angel :
Some times it seems so much easer to fall back to the “pain killer” that once held us. It feels like the best thing to do. But it never is. All it does is holds the pain till it can make you hurt worse. Make you hate your life; hate the choices you have made. And it tries to hide the lie. But life has both great pain and joy. If you cut yourself off from one you cut yourself off from both. You have made something that has made the window for joy; don’t deny yourself the joy that comes with it from your kids. You have done something great. A child is something to fight against hell for. It might seem easy to go back to the way you once were, but you must never give up. Pain will come but your offspring will always be with you. Fight it with all you have. You might have done wrong once but you have the strength and will power to never go back to that person. You are stronger than that. I have faith in you.
from dragprincess :
Wow. WOW. Are you totally growing in this process or what? I'm both heartbroken and impressed with what you've chosen to do. Much love.
from notme2000 :
You want to make your life better, and so day by day and year by year, small decisions will direct it in that way, until one day you can look back on this day and see it for what it always was, a stepping stone.
from dragprincess :
girl, this nothing more powerful than surrendering. allow yourself the freedom of letting go. say that third step prayer tonight. get up and get a hug during the surrender part of the meeting. i'll do it too tomorrow night and we'll both surrender all this bullshit and these overwhelming feelings together.
from marinka-mp :
Ohhhh babe i am so sorry. just hang in there a while longer.
from dragprincess :
Yo, I have the SAME dream! I never shot up and only smoked coke on "special" occaisions, yet I'm constantly in shooting galleries and crack houses in my dreams. What's up with that? Is it the YETS coming to haunt us?
from marinka-mp :
Nooooo...dont do that. do the root canel. it is really not that bad. if you oull your molars out it is going to mess up your jaw alignment and it would get worse as you get older.
from dragprincess :
you are so right, m. i'm also guilty of disparaging the o.f.f. (other fucking fellowship) for being too cold, too rich, too white, etc. but thanks to them, i have my wild and crazy na family. praise is due and deserved.
from dragprincess :
SSI -- it is what it is. It doesn't have to be forever if you don't want it to be. Let it go.
from dragprincess :
A prayer for your sponsor in surgery -- and I ask for a prayer for mine as she heads into her last round of chemo in the coming weeks....
from dragprincess :
As my sponsor says: there is no reason to punish yourself. None. And you know to share about this, talk about it, pray on it, and this too shall pass.
from notjames :
sure
from notjames :
sure
from fallen9angel :
That was creepier than I thought. I should point out, love like a sister.
from fallen9angel :
This is not to make you feel bad. I know how you feel. Know you feel for the relax of other means. I have been exposed to many addictions. My own is pain. My family is alcoholic. Plus I knew pain from heroin abuse. I will never give up to my own charge. If you need I will stand by you with all my drive. You might have AA to talk to but I am outside of them. I don’t know about god. But for life I will be here. I am here. I love you.
from dragprincess :
Huh? Relationships are SO an NA issue. Hello, the 4th Step looks at our relationships with God, ourselves, and others!! Who said that? I'm gonna have to kick them in the nuts if I ever come visit and make a meeting with you.
from dragprincess :
Ugh, M, I so need you to kick my ass into making a meeting.....
from marinka-mp :
Hello my lovely...i feel horrible becasue i have not commented in a while. the problem with reading people's diaries at the gym is that i forget to comment when i get home. But i do love you.
from fallen9angel :
Also, no one should be rated in importance after a video game. You’re much more important than that.
from fallen9angel :
If you want someone’s perspective, feel free to ask, plus it most likely wouldn't hurt that I’m a Wiccan. As for my e-mail, (don't laugh someone set it up for me in Jr. High many many years ago) darkness013@yahoo.com
from dragprincess :
Girl, I love me some Third Step Prayer!
from marinka-mp :
Mia! How have you been doing? I feel like a bad friend. I have been too busy with my own shit that i havent stopped to say "I love ya" Now that i have told you that I love ya. You owe me two pictures. WOMAN! I want to see a picture of this ring of yours, and you need to add one of yourself to Myspace.
from asilverrose :
*sits there crying* i need you to pick me up now.. because im falling.. and i dont know which way to cling.. help me... im so scared.. so fucking scared im gonna just end this
from dinosaurorgy :
Wow, what a nice layout you have for your diary--! :)
from dragprincess :
You know, those people get to just keep the focus on themselves. If they think NA/AA are cults -- then don't become part of the fellowship. Thanks for sharing. Those who judge don't matter and those who matter don't judge.
from lydiassong :
revamping this diary soon i cant believe i ever loved that POS haha
from dragprincess :
You hit it right on the nose -- our HPs and our choices to work or not work are just that. Choices. We all have choices and the right to choose.
from enurta :
thanks for the sweet note <3
from dragprincess :
Girl, it's the right thing to do. I tackled my debt with three months clean and it's helped my self-esteem tremendously. You're putting in the footwork - God will help guide the way, like She always does.
from marinka-mp :
Mia, I never said this to you. But I am so proud of you. I dont know you that well to get far to comfortable with my words, but GOOD JOB
from asilverrose :
my computer sucks *Edited by the colour blinded aliens of "mak"* im trying to get yahoo messenger to reinstall and im having serious issues.. go on msn :p
from morbidtearz :
call me or something i miss you ~sighs~
from marinka-mp :
Welcome back
from asilverrose :
It takes time to learn to forgive people.. and I know you've been through a lot.. we both have thats why you and I get along so well. I managed to forgive the bastard that hurt me repeatedly when I was like 8 years old.. and he did things that jason would cry about.. but I know you Mare.. don't let this get to you.. one day.. in another life.. in another world maybe you can forgive him.. but for now I'd say your doing better off the way you are now.. don't change that for anyone.. I do know one thing.. you need to take boxing lessons *In the eye of the storm* Malice
from asilverrose :
Happy Easter Baby *shoots green lightning at the assholes who bother you* hehe ^^ i had the same dream.. only after you came back to the cemetary.. you punched raven in the mouth b/c he tried to kiss me haha
from marinka-mp :
Hey sexy mamma! Happy Easter
from marinka-mp :
Thanks Love. I had already told her no, I felt bad for being dishonest
from dragprincess :
that's right, honey. it's all in the gratitude.
from morbidtearz :
thank you i was beautiful ^_^
from evababy777 :
thank you!
from dragprincess :
Mia, that's HER SHIT, not yours. Come on, you know addicts, especially ones that have big reservations and just want permission to use. Nobody gets to shame you like that. At all.
from marinka-mp :
Mia,I am so sorry. Some people are just stupid
from morbidtearz :
Shit... Calgon Take Me Away Too!
from dragprincess :
Make a meeting, talk about with your network, call your sponsor, and let his shit be his shit so it doesn't get stuck on you.
from dragprincess :
welcome! i'm working on the same issues re: dating. trouble is, nobody fits the bill nowadays when it comes to finding someone to give my heart to. my standards have changed.
from luciangrey :
Miss - I appreciate the support in the note. So little encouragement has been had or found for the means I've taken to divert the negative deficit that has kept me from writing for so long. I have not words, to express the gratitude I Feel, for not being forgotten. Xo - Luciananas.
from morbidtearz :
did i mention ALL men are fags?
from dragprincess :
even those bad feelings are a miracle.
from dragprincess :
and that's all 4th step stuff, you know? release the past, look at our patterns, and remember our assets. we're survivors, honey, and we are fucking incredible.
from marinka-mp :
WE LOVE you too
from her-tragedy- :
*hugs* happy NA Birthday.... call me when you can i need to talk to you
from dragprincess :
happy clean b-day, girl. may this be the last first year for you -- and may you have a slow and fruitful recovery.
from dragprincess :
hurrah for that fellowship of ours....and one year clean!!!! you're a miracle!!!!
from marinka-mp :
no worries love. you are still sane. fucked up dreams are ok!
from dragprincess :
But the positive thing -- 11 months clean! What a miracle you are!
from marinka-mp :
Good Job!
from marinka-mp :
Hi Sweety. I have no problem with giving you my password. Email me at marinka262@yahoo.com
from dragprincess :
Welcome. WELCOME! Eating disorders + addiction = one really cranky and weepy dragprincess.
from marinka-mp :
Hugs! Sweety dont worry about it. Try buying a 50 thousand dollar car on impulse. But listen, it made you feel at that second and thats what matters. That being said, just think you had lost the money. Have fun with it! Better waste it on a material stuff than dope. Hugs and kisses. You are strong and you can do it!
from marinka-mp :
Sweety, you should never worry about what others will think of you when they read your diary. This is you space. People should feel honored to read your thoughts, not for you feel weird about writing them. You are a survier! Keep goin'
from dragprincess :
Say that, girl...and meeting makers make it, right?
from marinka-mp :
HUGS
from fallen9angel :
i know that you said that you wouldn't ask about what it was like over seas, but i am fine with talking about it. if there was something you wanted to know feel free to ask. i dont hide from the things i have done. i may not like them but it is still my actions. i don't try to block out my past. the only true way to face it is head on. if you hide from it you have no chance at beating it.
from marinka-mp :
Way to go! By the way, do you have enough drama in your life or what?!
from dragprincess :
My sponsor taught me: when someone compliments you, smile and say, "Thank you. I know." It sounds so self-assured and then you start to really believe it.
from marinka-mp :
I so agree with you.
from graceland :
Yay Paragraphs! A joy to read. Sounds like you are doing just fine:)
from dragprincess :
Ugh, using dreams blow. I had the best crack dream the other night. I never even did crack, but I sucked on that stem like a pro.
from graceland :
Paragraphs please - want to read what u have to say but all that text smushed together makes me suicidal;)
from dvlsh1 :
yay my notes feature works.. praise my higher power:)
from notjames :
I have not been able to get into my email, it is all gone now. Anyway it's working and it no longer is some wierd email addy that is has been ;)
from dragprincess :
Thanks, Mia. I've added you too -- it's fantastic to have someone else in recovery as part of my internet network...and congrats on 9 months!!!
from morbidtearz :
i meant with life but im alright ~hugs~ i miss you
from morbidtearz :
~hUGS~ ROAD TRIP
from saphyraravyn :
im done.. i can't do this anymore...
from morbidtearz :
OMG I want the twelve steps so i can quit smoking MWUAHAH im so fucking hyper i get to see him again next monday MWUAHA!
from poppetlust :
i embraced the madness.. and now its time for -him- to die... call me we'll talk soon my beautiful little dolly help me before i scar myself up again
from poppetlust :
Dolly is going to KILL ~smiles sweetly~ poor little cassith.. poor little antonio... poor little DEAD DOLLIES
from dvlsh1 :
check your email not james.. hee hee.. wasn't confused about you, only about me.. I really wonder if I do have a split personality.. if so can I merge em.. have a merger.. love you n ttys.. hugs bites kisses.. nibbles licks etc.. love you maria
from notjames :
what the hell are you confused about? I thought you weren't confused anymore, guess that was bs...so let me know what you are talking about eh?
from morbidtearz :
im sorry i havenbt had the money to get you anything or write and i know you dont have the money for my bday (didnt even) but its ok an dim sorry i havent written.. meh.. ims orry for being late period. yeah late period.. <3 me
from morbidtearz :
I finally fucking figured out why i cant leave you notes you need to fix your notes link MS. Mare.Dot.Com !!! And i dont know who not james is.. my guess would be.. someone you know *coughs in your ear through email* *smiles sweetly*
from dvlsh1 :
to not james.. check your email =) ive made a decision to stop stressing and live just for today like im supposed to do =D and just for today, i want you in my life, and you already know i'll love you until my dying day.. maria
from dvlsh1 :
aug 25, to anyone that knows me.. miss mia is once again on diffrent levels of medication.. bear with me ppl.. will they ever get it right?? ugh.. I dont feel as though I should have to choose between having a manicdepressive shitzophrenic parinoid meltdown or laying on my bathroom floor with my head in a toilet being sick.. sighs.. pray for me...
from dvlsh1 :
also to not james.. im pretty well sedated now.. =) so im a lot better, i hope you will stick by me and im sorry for being such a pain in the ass. love ya kiddo =)
from dvlsh1 :
to not james read my please forgive me entry too.. i hope it helps you understand.. me a bit more.. =) love ya
from dvlsh1 :
notjames, sighs.. glad to see you are ok, ive made my decision, you are what i want, ive got some things going on inside my head right now that are not fit for public consumption, please check your other email, and get your username and password to my kiarajade diary it will be in there.. i am sorry, yesterday was really bad for me, worse then its been in a very very long time.. i hope that you will forgive me, and look past it, i do love you, and im sorry, you have my emails.. devilishangel61401@yahoo.com, and mistressdarcy362538@hotmail.com.. please email me, i did email you and i hope that you will know how sorry i am.. please read my other diary that will help explain the train wreck going on in my head... i love you.. maria
from notjames :
don't worry about emailing me, you need to make a decision, or perhaps you already have. However and whatever, the email I put here is the one u should use, but reviewing recent events, I am not sure I will answer now.
from wiley381 :
Thank you for the kind words. All things must pass, right? And this, like all things, will pass soon enough.
from dvlsh1 :
to not james.. ok but do you mean for me to send it to that addy? or use it to get mail out? Im not stupid it's just that the two brain cells I may have left that haven't been fried by drugs, dont work so well at figuring out cryptic mssgs =).... I love these notes by the way , you remind me of someone I love very much hee hee.. kisses ( on the cheek of course) mia
from notjames :
try this...e1-rkxt-hmxg-7c02@emailias.com. Perhaps that will let your email go thru.
from dvlsh1 :
ok to not james.. Ive checked my mail repeatdly.. and still nothing from my dear departed one. No I dont mean it that way.. I know that DA thinks of me in a lot diffrent yet similar manner as james does.. I just meant that I need to hear it as much as james tells it to me.. =P... Trust me.. it only makes sense in my head.. april should be for me and whomever wants to share in my life.. blessings and love to you not james.. mia
from notjames :
I don't know if you have checked you email or not, but you should. Perhaps there is something in there. Daniyel is just fine and sends his greetings...hence the reason you should check your email. I appreciate that you think that no one else seems to think the way James does about you. Maybe April should not be for us.
from dvlsh1 :
can we say that I suffer from open mouth insert foot disease?? Rember girl, its progress not perfection!!! One day at a time
from morbidtearz :
meh people piss me off *stabs them all to death*
from simulatusvox :
Oi! Glad to see things are going relatively well. Things are crappy here, but will improve soon enough. I hope that things continue to get better for you. Say hi to kate and nicholai for me. :-) Pieces in... Vv
from morbidtearz :
blah blah bitch bitch blah blah same shit different day i'd smack shit but it splatters.. randomness is fun.. im quoting or using random quotes hollow but still smiling shit happens.. alot save a lolli suck a **** shave bush! um yeah lol <3
from morbidtearz :
Quote dvlsh1 "(Refering to cryssies I'll be fine once i slit my wrists)" Hmmm.. "I'll be alright.. i'll be just fine.. just let me slit my wrists.. one.. last... time.. yesh.. that suites me well indeed
from morbidtearz :
Im thinking about locking my diary again. if i do i will give you the username and password
from gettingnaked :
Growing a back bone... now there's something I'll drink to! Don't forget that fire, Mia. The moment you let the fire burn out is the moment you stop trying... You're better than that.
from morbidtearz :
if you n eed to.. cut your heart away.. i think i shall do that to mine.. very soon.. how i hate.. x.x i fucking hate
from morbidtearz :
i love that song.. ~pokeith~ im... o.o nm will talk more later *deies*
from morbidtearz :
you speakith to me naught anymore? whyith isith this? Speakith! i grow wary and the shadows have hungry mouths...
from morbidtearz :
~sighs n just hugs you~ Happy Holiday/ Merry Solstice.. Love you... †Me†
from morbidtearz :
and nothing elude's me dear *grins*
from mythreadscut :
Hey wat's up! Ya I've decided to try xanga now and I feel it's just better than here! I have the link in my diary if ya want to check it out. btw you can leave notes about my xanga here and I'll respong to them. ::gives brotherly hug:: later!
from saphyraravyn :
† I updated twice.. for your eyes only.. im sorry.. though those words will never.. ever be enough.. i'll die trying to make it up to you.. even as my life bleeds out of me.. forget me not †
from saphyraravyn :
†With Words Well Wept I Knelt Upon -her- deathbed and Made love to her one last time until the lights in our eyes faded and lay in ruins amongst the rubble of broken hearts and confetti†
from simulatusvox :
Hey babe, I really haven't been in the loop in a while.... but yeah, take what you can get. your deserving of whatever love you can get... hope thing go well for you. All my love. Walk in light and in love...
from morbidtearz :
i wish i had never left.. ~curls up in a ball~ never....
from gettingnaked :
I love ponds. They're so peaceful and relaxing. When I was growing up, my grandparents had this huge fish pond in their backyard and it had a little island in the middle that I would play princess on while dressed in my Nana's old nightgowns. Water fountains are great, too as long as you find one that has a really quiet pump... otherwise you hear more of the pump than you do of the water. I hope things settle down for you... I know how overwhelming life can be sometimes.
from morbidtearz :
it was so peaceful there... tongiht.. i couldnt find it.. will talk mor elater.. love you
from morbidtearz :
i have plans for us.. you might not want to go through with it but.. we shall see.. love you dearly.. p.s i will explain more via.. talking to you its evil mwuaha <3 me
from morbidtearz :
I envy you... so much.. I'm crying. and i know there have been times where you envied me.. now its my turn.. x.x at least donnie is still with you... mine is evermore to ashes.. and i cant stop the tears.. make this go away?
from morbidtearz :
i know dear at least you made an effort.. my friends ive known longer than you told me more or less to get bent bah ~Hugs~ than you love the notebook :D thank you even
from morbidtearz :
i miss you ~cries all over your empty pillow with promises to return after death comes~
from list-alive :
You've been added. :)
from list-alive :
Hello, I've recently opened a new listing site, and I would like to list you!
from morbidtearz :
I miss you and im glad i got to spend an hour with you.. even if it was only an hour.. sorry i didnt give you a smooch goodnight.. my bad feeling i had kept getting worse all throughout coffee time.. i dunno what it was but.. i thought it would be best not to ~Molests you~ haha
from ghostofgor :
Ive been known to smother. And whats worser is when we smother, and people break away we smother even more asking why. Its horrible. Sorry life sucks.
from poppetlust :
i want out of here my dolly.. i cant do the therapy.. they keep screaming at me.. i miss you .. i just want to get out of here alive
from morbidtearz :
HE WHAT?!?! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR! and sweetness its okay to let them argue.. but just shut them up with chocolate once in awhile oh and btw its her-tragedy- with two -'s hehe you linked the wrong person :D Love you muchies ~Humpage of legs~ ~the fallen and forgotten~ ~crystal~
from morbidtearz :
i miss you more than life itself.. the feelings long dead have been reawakened by your letter and i cried.. oh how i fucking cried.. i lost it.. and everybody stared catching my tears with their tongues as if somehow to cool the burning and lucid flame... i will write you soon.. i miss you.. wish you could have givne me my bday gifts yourself damn that babysitting job to hell sometimes :*( bye dearest <3 me
from luciangrey :
Mm. Tormented. Yes, perhaps. I hate to seem just another angsty boi. I love how you stroke my ego. "Behold the MAN". * bows his head and laughs * ...
from morbidtearz :
i loves you my dark vixen ~Humps your ankles~ i missith you lots n lovesm you
from mythreadscut :
It's gotten crazy with all these damn lies with me n' my friends. A relationship that has been going on for over a year now was nearly broken up by lies today, people lying about my friend cutting his wrist has been spread around, and I don't know which friend is lying about someone saying shit behind my back or if she never said that stuff. *sighs* It's always the "trust no one" scenerio. Oh well. You stay strong too. I wish I could help some way with your bills and such, but there's nothing I can really do unfortunatly. Well take care. ~Stevo~
from mythreadscut :
Thanks for the comment. It was a bitch to put up the images in it such as the big image on the right, and the images or the words like "new" and "old". Right now I'm trying to find a big Slipknot "S" to put on the right side. ~Stevo~
from morbidtearz :
I watched through shattered reflections everything I cared for slipped further away, with outstretched fingertips I tried to grasp it, only to watch it turn to ectoplasmic vomit.. what does this mean? how could i be so blind? Almost everything i've ever loved has been a lie.. them.. him.. true.. but NEVER ever you.. to hell with all the ghosts that haunt.. tell them to find another to plague.. and dance with me on my death bed.. as I say goodbye to pain.. evolution is the key that will set your spirit free.. so come.. my beauty and dance with me.. away from sorrow.. away with me.
from mythreadscut :
I really don't even care if a person loves me, as long as they care for me I'll be happy. Like you said "if somone loves you they dont care whats wrong with you, they just love you." People tell me all the time that they love me, but they never actually wanna hear how I am. And it's so hard to find a true friend with me. So far everyone's just kinda forgotten that I'm human and that I too have feelings. And awesome short story you wrote. It was beautiful.
from mythreadscut :
It's so true our lives seem to mirror. I know what your going through right now and I'm tired of everyone giving me so much BS. I also am alone, but I sometimes want, ok yearn to be with a girl that cared for me, but we all know how that goes. I also feel too intensly. I hate being really depressed when some of the things I probably shouldn't be that depressed about, but that's how it usually is. "How many times do I have to will myself not to slit my wrists???" It always seems like the easy way out to me, but I am always trying to avoid the easy way out, though it gets tough at times.
from mythreadscut :
Aahh yes, duality. Yes it is a great song indeed. Keep on listening hard! ~Stevo~
from morbidtearz :
emily is my gift to you, you may not understand but i do.. a piece of my soul i left to you when i died.. and through the tears and in death i cried.. you cried.. we cried.. emily is me.. emily is you.. we are one and the same i love you <3
from morbidtearz :
My god damned cards didnt go through to your eamil they sent them back ~kicks yahell repeatedly n emails you more cards~ happy belated bday and i loves you :D ~Blushes at your compliment~ ty ty ~hides turning redith in the cheekiths~ hehe
from mythreadscut :
Happy Birthday to you!
from morbidtearz :
ugh that is pissing me off DONT make me move down there and smack a fucking cunt.. RAWR
from morbidtearz :
eh nice entry, we still up for saturday babe? Love and miss you and who the fuck is poppet? i added her to my favorites but she seems a little off anywhore love you Cryssy
from poppetlust :
you are very pretty... my dolly's angel.. you shall be my angel dolly with horns.. pretty pretty pills.. i envy you with your dresses.. but inside white walls these pills they force feed me.. i feel so horrid.. stay with me.. susan says hello.. @sighs@ love.. Alice
from morbidtearz :
SHHHH ~giggles~ the world cannot know my secret ~Lix you and sighs~ no being bummed you are loved.. see! see that! my beautiful michelle left ye a note now smile!
from witchyways23 :
Maria I know that you don't know me although we both hold a place in Crystal's heart. For some reason I feel drawn to you want to take your pain away even, but I know that I can't for you are the only one that can. This world that we live in is not an easy one for so many people are judgemental and such, but life is what you make of it not what others make it for you . Through the rough times you must keep your head high and forget the bad look for the good. As I know that there is good in you not all bad you just have to find it and work with it an one day all your bads will go away and you will be left with the good. ~ Michelle~
from simulatusvox :
Maria... I know you think me a hethenist beast, but as you said in your note to me... I wa right.. And I know I was. I bring only the truth , regardless of whta the outcome is.... I've learned in my years of unhonesty that the truth isa what this world lacks, and I only want to express my unadulterated uopnion amongst the masses, to try and get them to see what I see. What I see might not alway be what is wanted, but it is the truth... Which is why I have takeny our advances on myself verbally so ofensive... In my past, before yu,. or anyone yo know, I was the biggest liar in the world, I will be the frist to admit that, and now, I try to make up, and repent by telling the truth as I see it..... And most often, the truth that I see, is what everyone else see's, and is not able to epress for fear of hurting someones feelings. I have not that fear. I speak only tht which is true, I might change my view on things, but that doesn not mean it be a fabrication... I change it for the good of the person who is recieving such things. I hope grweatly that yopu wil one day find who you really are, and give up this bullshit charade of loathing and self-doubt that you think you must live by. You know who you are. Be yourself. Regardlessa of whta I, or anyone has tpo say about you. Walk in light, and in love.... Veneficus Vox, Vita simulatus
from morbidtearz :
mare....i wish you could be here right now.. why did you have to leave me here in this town? i am but ashes now.. ashes and dust.. i love you.. come.. find me.. take me away.. i love you
from morbidtearz :
FUCK THAT SHIT im tired of people telling you that.. what the fuck do they know anyways?! they know NOTHIng therefor they are nothing.. end of story zip zero ziltch.. fuck them all
from morbidtearz :
i'll take your hand.. lead me into the darkness.. i wear this mask now with pretty hate.. and hating pretty.. love me... hate me.. just don't forget me when im gone.. am i truely ever here.. or am i just a ghost.. that haunts you.. a spectre of hell to come.. i know naught.. let me linger here a little longer.. before i say goodnight eternally i want you to know.. you are loved
from morbidtearz :
thank you dear... ~Hugs tight~ missing you like crazy :X <3 The Dying and the damned ~Crimson~
from morbidtearz :
"The worst is over now and we can breathe again.. i want to hold you high and steal my pain away... theres so much left to learn and noone left to find i want to hold you high and steal your pain caus im broken when im open.. and i dont feel like im strong enough.. caus im broken when im lonesome and i dont feel right when you've gone away" Seether and Amy of evanescence "broken" lyrics
from mythreadscut :
Damn right, you don't have to listen to them when they say your selfish and what not. You are not a selfish person. If they start saying things disrespective towards you, then just ignore them. They have no right and don't understand you're trying to get your life together. Well hang in there, and don't take any crap from anyone. ~Stevo~
from morbidtearz :
i miss you ~Hugs
from morbidtearz :
wtf else is new? LMFGDAO! not much just chillin.. wishing i had a blunt Lol nah i need my brain cells.. i just updated diary and im petting my chitty kali! le purrrr :)
from morbidtearz :
RAWR!
from morbidtearz :
fuck this town.. fuck the people in it. FUCK.Every.One.With.A.COCK! THey can all go to hell!
from morbidtearz :
even with as much wrongs as we have done and will continue to do to eachother we still love eachother THAT IS LOVE feeling. if your cold your dead and not WORTH OUR FUCKING TIME? true? im a little drunk? True too BUT I LOVE I FEEL I BLEED JUST LIKE YOU SO IM EXACTLY LIKE YOU MY DEAR now love me please.. dont let me go.. i need YOU NOW! to cry on.. and confess my sins b efore i die.. i love theee so much Crystal
from morbidtearz :
~Hugs tightly n lowers herself to her knees in front of you and looks up with tear filled sparkling eyes~ forgive me goddess for i have sinned... I smoked.. I drank.. I rode rides.. I got into a fight.. AND ~jumps up and bites you then runs off laughing and cryin at once~ and im a fucking WEIRDO FROM HELL MWUAHA! love ya
from morbidtearz :
i know how you feel mare, and it seems like nothing EVER good happens.. well .. i guess its time we woke up and made something happen ourselves. so im not gonna do this lightly you.me.nobodyelse.magick.fullmoon. need i say more? ~marks you yet again~ I MARKED you bfore anybody and if they dun like it they can suck on my clit.. I love thee and keep your head up.. -I- Will Fix -you-
from mythreadscut :
Well I've gotten to the point I just said "fuck them" to everyone that never includes me in anything, but acts like my friend. I actually have a few friends that include me in things. The bad thind is, it's kinda hard to just forget about the others when you've got so few to begin with. I just hope you've got someone that includes you. Well if you ever have a bad day and need someone to release some anger or just feeling like crap e-mail me at thegrimsniper@yahoo.com... I'll listen to ya. It's one thing I'm actually good at.
from mythreadscut :
Hey thanks for the comment. Yes, things are getting better, slowly, but better...I just hope it lasts. *hugs back* ~Stevo~
from morbidtearz :
MWUAHAH! I got it right here! *snickers* and yep i be your babies daddy! hahahah turkey baster for LIFE homes! haha <3 ya n miss you like crazy
from faded-souls :
thanks! and mia and maria are just as equally beautiful names :-) and I never really thought of green as soothing, but now you mention it, I would TOTALLY have to agree!
from faded-souls :
you're welcome :-) its only the truth. And I really like your name, its so pretty!
from luciangrey :
Thank you for the attention, I'm lacking of late, soon, I promise, soon.
from dvlsh1 :
i stab my fingers in my eyes its the only thing that slowly stops the ache.. slipknot
from morbidtearz :
im sorry babe i miss you :(
from wiley381 :
You didn't offend me, you just happened to hit a nerve that had been pinched continuously over the past few days so I went off, though not on you. Thanks for your sentiment regarding L and her son - both are doing remarkably well considering. Take care and I hope things are going better for you.
from wiley381 :
I read your post and I agree, what they did was sick - but no worse than what we did to them. You keep mentioning your respect for the servicemen and women, but remember that the most atrocious acts committed against Americans in Iraq have actually been against civilian contractors, not the military.
from morbidtearz :
hehe i totally forgot about that.. i will do my best to come up with the money if not i'll haveto withdrawl it out of the bank.. much love.. cryssie
from morbidtearz :
i hope its okay if i use your quote for my msn nickname ;)
from morbidtearz :
i miss you too :( you never partied before you left.. i had hoped to spend one weekend with you before you fled. but you flew away without me.. eh.. what is this about thirty dollars.. i never borrowed thirty dollars.. and some fucker took the money which you already know.. so i owe mom money b/c she had to pay tracey b/c someone stole it. Im pissed it was prolly mikes crackhead friend andy down the st. meh.. smoke another rock n tweak people.. god i hate galesburg.. <3 me
from wiley381 :
Hope all is going well whilst moving. Sorry to hear that you're missing so much, but you'll pull through - you're a mother and by default you're stronger than I am. So keep pushing, you're doing great :)
from wiley381 :
I would guess that since this is called `Diaryland' that one should keep a diary. However, I keep a diary, offline, that contains all of the mediocre contents of my life. D-land, to me, is a place where I can openly vent my frustrations about the world and know that only people who want to hear it will be reading it (rather than venting my opinion in the mall or on the streets like oh so many hypochristians, where others do NOT want to hear it). Anyway, I'm glad you enjoy.
from morbidtearz :
i love you too mare =)
from mythreadscut :
BTW that is for AIM... my yahoo email is thegrimsniper@yahoo.com
from mythreadscut :
Alright... If you ever get IM'ed by H8tedchild88 that is me. ~Stevo~
from mythreadscut :
Hey. Wats goin on? Just thought I'd check by and see how you are. By what I read you must be very happy. A person like you deserves to be happy. You are a great person. I'm glad that you are happy. I hope your happiness may last you a long time. Well I gotta go. ~Stevo~
from bigstud69 :
that was beautiful maria now if i could only get you to love me that way you need to open your eyes see me for who i am inside i care and other than crsytal i am the only one that does
from morbidtearz :
~Hugs tightly~ and through this sorrow one last thing.. i kissed your lips before still i laid.. goodbye cruel world.. and sweetest love... never known how close we were, until death comes..
from mythreadscut :
Man you should get back into it. I love it because what other sport will actually let you shoot another person. Plus everyone is so friendly and it actually relieves stress. When I'm playing I forget about all the worry's of everything else. As for school... there is nothing more I hate then that. I hate having to get up only to go to something that I hate.
from mythreadscut :
Do you mind me asken why things have been nuts for you? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.
from morbidtearz :
i'm not the one to be forgiven, im merely your favourite disease, fuck me.. beat me.. make me bleed.. make me forget.. how much he doesnt love me ~Nuzzles~ i love n miss you
from wiley381 :
As cute as the Teletubbies may be, they stunt mental growth. Psychologists have shown that the sooner you start talking to your child properly the sooner they will start talking, and they will speak better as well. My uncle banned "baby talk" around their kids - his daughter is now 7 but reads at a 5th grade level, her English is more properly spoken than my own ::hangs head bashfully ::
from bigstud69 :
man youre one unforgiving person not sure what i did to make you mad at me maria so hit me up on here since you wont unblock me from email and shit they all come back.. just chill girl how many times do i have to tell you that i truly care about you if i was too rough last time i am sorry i miss you and those truly fabouls boobs ben
from mythreadscut :
A dancer/stripper that dances to Mudvayne... kick ass. What better music to dance to than heavy metal? ::sigh:: If only I were 18. Ya all those bands you listed are awsome. later, -Stevo
from mythreadscut :
lol kick ass another Mudvayne fan. Their bass player is awsome on the bass. I've heard he can actually play two bass parts at once. Haha I'm listening to them right now. What are some of your other favorite heavy metal bands? And what exactly is your job if ya don't mind me asken?
from morbidtearz :
have you seen my notes lately? ~laughs~ ooh im so shaking ~LMFAO~ me an egotistical bitch? ha no but i can be starting now if people really want me to be och mein meth to ariepests (DTAR and you know what i mean) not sure if i spelled the phrase in another language right or not to pissed to care
from luciangrey :
...don't fear my wrath... Vox is a big boy, he can defend his own. I've long given up the pursuit of that battle. Vox and I have some striking similarities, Miss. And through these similarities, I have learned that he and I usually deserve the shit we get. We're both ... shall I say.... well, we leave a great deal left to be desired in the honesty department. I love him with a whole heart, but I won't intrude upon his battlefields. I am sorry for the missing of my entries. I've run out of things to say for a while. Or at least things that would not be ugly, marred, hateful. Etc. Maybe someday soon, I'll improve.
from stevo99 :
Lol yea i can kinda tell... you can read the entries if you just highlight the whole entry
from stevo99 :
Hey I got a new diary since i totally fucked up my old one... mythreadscut.diaryland.com
from bigstud69 :
where did your entries go maria? i hope youre thinking of me and how much fun you and i will have next time we hook up ben
from fsdesigns :
YOUR IMAGE WILL BE WORKING ON APRIL 4th [TOMORROW]. DON'T CHANGE YOUR LAYOUT!!!
from xtrinax :
hey ....i jus wanna say tight template!!!
from wiley381 :
hey, I love the template... as far as the prev/next stuff goes, it looks like you have it write, but i was comparing your code to mine and I think it may be a problem with d-land. Send them an e-mail and they'll help you (they're really good about that and have helped me many times when I completely funked up my page). Anyway... good luck.
from bigstud69 :
hey my sexy biatch! you are one hot momma.. just letting ya know i am now on here heh heh heh
from dvlsh1 :
btw i do see things as others see them, im one of the least selfish ppl i know.. otherwise i wouldnt be walked on so fucking much...
from dvlsh1 :
if you say so.. well tell me this.. if i had known you hadnt come to be with me, why would i have paid for your bus tickets here? i wouldnt have.. calling me a pyscho bitch all the time, when youre the one that lied ?? whatever vox.. you just dont want liz to find out what an ass you are, cuz you cannot bear to loose anyone else in your life, n no you didnt try to leave for 3 mins.. you called a me a fucking pyscho assed bitch n said fuck you im leaving.. standing in front of you crying saying vox i want us to talk , n you shove me? ok.. thats not wrong? you teling me daily how im not your level of perfection? n thats not belitting me.. you are one peice of work. and more of a child than anyone i know, and if youre dumb enough to leave your bag out, on my kitchen table with two disabled kids.. yah they are going to get into your shit.. i wish you well
from simulatusvox :
Maria... As I've tried to teach you a million times before, you need to do a little more investigating if your going to be a nosey bitch. Using your children as an excuse to rumage through my personals is pretty sick in itself. And to have the audacity to accuse me of doing something to your daughter is completely fucking absurd. You, are one sick twisted individual. Sure, frabications were made in the situation with liz, but that was to my own gain, as much as yours. And this shit about belittling you daily, is also absurd. I've never out-right asked anything of you, except for what I could do to help you. If it makes you feel like such a big person being able to misconstrue something miniscule such as my inadvertant feelings for a younger person, then I'm happy for you. And yes, I did tell Liz about removing you from the doorway when I was trying to leave, after having been trying to leave for 30 minutes whilst remaining calm, and plainly stating that I needed to leave to vent off some proverbial steam, so don't even turn that shit on me. You, are far more of a child than anyone I have ever talked to. You've alot to learn about companionship. I've my own reasons for denying certain things, and since you are not my mother, nor my creator, I've the choice not to indulge you upon such things. You full well knew, that I didn't come here to be with you. I told you that there might have been an eventual chance. All those times you pretended to be someone else, and asked me about what I felt for you, I told you the same thing. You, are as deceitful as I have ever been. And to claim that I manipulate people, and whatever else it is you claim, I'd just like to know where the hell your finding all these people claiming these things. Chances are you just caught wind of something and misconstrued it to your own advantage. You have some serious problems. I had once thought that I could help you with them, and in ways I see that I have. You always seem to have some sort of vice for everything. Grow up Maria, and see things how they really are. Mayhaps step outside of your own fantasies, and view things how other people might. Trying to belittle my competance is futile, especially for you. All my love, and best wishes in your life.
from stevo99 :
It's been pissen me off lately. I'm here for everyone, like I see them sitten there and they are lookin really depressed and all and I ask them what's wrong and they are like "I'm bored blah blah blah". And then they don't really wanna do anything cause they are depressed. If they were actually depressed about a real problem I wouldn't complain, but being depressed because of being bored is just stupid. Well I'm glad to know someone understands me.
from wiley381 :
in my opinion, other than your kids no person's feelings should ever come before your own. In love, the good feelings should feed off one another. Of course, I'm just a blathering romantic... and yet I still hate the human race... go figger
from wiley381 :
Yeah... LOL... and usually it's the other way around (the guy wants sex and the girl wants a date). L and I just weren't on the same page that day... oh well...
from wiley381 :
I agree... marriage is too easy to get into, and too hard to get out of. I think a tattoo might actually be easier to get rid of (at least then you don't have to get somebody else to cooperate). If I ever decide to get married, I'll get a tattoo first... we'll see where it goes from there.
from wiley381 :
Being frank & honest is very important to me as well - I admire you for striving to be as such. I think that if we were a little closer geographically that we'd have to go out for coffee or something (no, this isn't some kind of pick-up line ;), just saying that I think we would have a lot to share). I've got some other ponderings regarding relationships... soon to come... I admire you for what you did with your son - I don't have kids, so I can only try to imagine how hard it is to be apart from him, even knowing that it's in his best interests. You sound like you're doing a great job as a mom :) kudos
from dvlsh1 :
to envyurdemise: thanks for adding me to your faves, im always up to listen/talk if you want. i read your entry, and sometimes it seems as ppl dont care even when they do.. ttys mia=)
from wiley381 :
I added you to my yahoo messenger - hope to talk to you soon. Hey, just so you know, and hopefully I don't come across as rude or anthing, but your previous and next links don't work at the bottom of your entry... edit your template so it reads <A HREF="%%prev%%">Hear</A>|me|<A HREF="%%next%%">roar</A>... that should work... anyway, just wanted to help. Hope to read more soon... oh yeah, BTW - my color was Blue... :)
from stevo99 :
Go ahead and add me to your list. I don't mind. You seem to be a great writer. I can see some ways that I relate to you. Well anyways later.
from morbidtearz :
im not trying to push you away mare i just dont feel the greatest as if lately.. and i like your new layout =P ~sings~ Im a stripper haha ;) :p
from squirrelx :
I want to thank you for addin' my diary to your list of favorites, and for the lovely words you wrote about it in your profile. Your kindness is profoundly appreciated. :-)
from luciangrey :
Thank you ever so much, for the addition.
from morbidtearz :
my darling mare.. nothing is EVER as it seems, i have realized this .. perhaps like cold stone solitude upon my headstone ponderings.. I look to the recess of my soul.. and find barren wastelands of dead gods.. and broken wings.. all inside my grave of useless nothings.. where i am but a slave to my addiction.. and a slave to love
from morbidtearz :
I'm going to kill him.... ben will die...
from wraithe :
AIM- Oracius MSN- oracius@hotmail.com email- oracius@post.com *L* gee see a trend there?
from dvlsh1 :
oh ooops i should clarify that .. we will only be freinds and only that his words, dating never happend.. but hes awesome, its great he has a good freind watching over him hope to talk to you soon mare
from dvlsh1 :
thank you wraithe ( hope i spelled it right) youre right, but to my dismay i pushed and now vox and i are freinds and only that.. sighs, im bi -polar and having issues with my meds, n ty for the offer to talk you are sweet. smiles... my sns are; yahoo; devilishangel61401, msn; mistressdarcy362538, and aim sexkitten61401 hope to chat sometime.. grins, i do love vox though no matter what hes awesome as hell . look forward to chatting .. maria/mare
from wraithe :
Madam, I will not assume to judge where I do not have knowledge. I am simply writing as a greeting, as we have two mutual friends who I think we both care a great deal for. You know Crstal irl and Vox just recently irl. I've known Vox irl many years and that LostAngelMine only via the internet. I will tell you now, the boy is a difficult one. But he has boundaries and many times, he just needs time to sort his own things out. Don't press him and you'll be alright *smiles*. Mayhap sometime I'll have the pleasure of meeting all of you. Until then, I suppose it suffice to say that I am watching over him, and if you EVER need somebody to talk to neutrally, I am here if you should need that. "write with your heart, feel it in your soul... Nothing stays together, everything seems to go."
from morbidtearz :
i don't know anymore.. and personally.. i'll find a way not to care.. we'll see how it turns out.. i won't let myself be broken by anyone ever again.. and not him either.. noone.. even if he is my soulmate.. i'll die alone.. for there is no other for me.. if this is childish.. to some.. fuck them.. they KNOW nothing.. and they are nothing.. ~Gone~
from dvlsh1 :
ty for the huggles i need it :)
from velvet-heart :
*huggles*
from dvlsh1 :
just a note to myself to rember not to let my guard down again when it comes to love ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS... WHY ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE HURT AGAIN????
from morbidtearz :
~Hugs tight n cries~ Im sorry i just.. cant take this anymore i hate this feeling
from dvlsh1 :
well ty cryssy hugs.. i know how you feel.. i am the same with my dark prince yet i just feel somehow i will mess up i hate having parinoid insecurites...... :( tell d ty , n to you too... love you hun
from morbidtearz :
thanks for the note.. we made up right afterwords.. my dreams scare me... i love him so much it hurts.. and god help whoever tries to tear us apart..b/c they will lie bleeding at my feet and in the ashes i can dance again.. i love you kitten ~Hugs~ and donnie says hello.. and that he's happy your happy.. we love you Crys n D
from dvlsh1 :
thanks cryssy, in the words of that old spirtual.. we shall overcome.. we shall overcome, we shall overcome someday love you ~ mare~
from morbidtearz :
im here in the shadows.. ever watching.. hoping that i can slay your demons and keep you safe ~Hugs~ your mom is abitch.. and needs to go to hell where she caem from.. how dare she treat you like th at YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!! ~Hugs tons~ love always amidst the tears pain and confusion and rain Your Cryssie
from dvlsh1 :
fuck someone needed ta leave me a fucking note.. im lonely dammit........ lol

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