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messages to enurta:
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from xxplaydeadxx :
*cries* I'm glad it makes you feel better at least for a little while. I want to make you feel better. And I mean every single word of it. =D um...*sigh* I know this is a big no-no to ask a lot of people, but I'm going to ask anyway. Will you tell me what you weigh? I worry about that a lot and have forced myself not to ask, but since you said you haven't weighed this much/little in two years, it's making me really worried. So will you tell me? I'll understand completely if you don't want to, hell I have a hard ass time even telling Haley what I weigh, so I get it. But I'd really like to know. Love you.
from bamstroker :
i am sorry you're struggling so much with your ED... and i hope your weight isn't too critical. the more weight i lost, the stronger my ED got. *hugs*
from shanmeid :
You are not pathetic love :) I'm glad you told N how you feel about it being in the house. That takes courage!
from xxplaydeadxx :
You are very much NOT pathetic. Really it's very great that you told him what was going on instead of using it. That's showing strength, not weakness, and I'm proud of you for that. We have a kitchen knife too and every time I pick it up or even see it, I think about cutting. So it's very normal, no matter how long you've gone without cutting. So yeah. I'm very very very proud of you, and I love you. And was just thinking about how much I love, admire, and respect you. That's the reason why I remembered to check this. =) <333
from minstrelite :
Don't feel pathetic - I'm just relieved you guys threw away the kitchen knife! Everyone's challenges are different from everyone else's, and yours is your own unique challenge. You shouldn't feel pathetic for being where you are. Just have faith that you will be in a better place in the future.
from shanmeid :
I was never gone... :) I've got the blog but whatever goes in the blog I post right here at the same time :) I could never leave you! <3
from shanmeid :
Shame, that's really sad about your friend. Some people deal with things better on their own. If it was me, I'd want someone there with me. Especially for after... the pain and the emotion! My cousin had one and she said it was the most painful, saddest thing she'd ever had to do. I hope you're doing okay too. Love you!
from minstrelite :
I'm glad you guys made up. People say mean things to each other when they're angry with each other, and they would never such things when they're in their right minds. It's good of you not to take it too much to heart.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Thank you. I'm really really really happy that they're fixed now. Having them be so fucked up made me cry quite a few damn times. I'm sorry that happened. :( Are you going to tell N that? Or have you? And ask him to try to not say 'oh my god'? And I think it's really great that you figured that out. :) While I'm thinking about it, why is your screen name enurta? I've been wanting to ask you this since the very first time I read your diary I think. I'm a loser, I know. It's ok to think that. =P I love you too. <333
from shanmeid :
Hey <3 I'm sorry I haven't updated in ages or read your updates in a while. Just wanted to tell you I love you lots! And you are amazing :)
from luxelady :
happy birthday honey. much love xxoo
from cloudy-night :
Happy belated Birthday! I'm happy that you enjoyed yourself.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm so glad it made you happy. =D And...EXACTLY. I would NOT care about you like I do if you were a bad person. You can't be a bad person and have me as your friend, or any of the other people your friends with. It just doesn't work that way. =) We're right, the voices are WRONG. I love you, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
from minstrelite :
http://minstrelite.diaryland.com/091106_85.html
from anni05 :
i dunno. i didn't focus on the scenery really, but the feel was very different. i liked it.
from i-am-jack :
Have you ever tried those Special K protein waters? I am not trying to encourage or advocate your disorder, but my sister has the same thing, and her therapist suggested this. They keep you full longer but are just water with some vitamins and protein. At least you would have some kind of nutrition, and would not feel hungry. And maybe if it is just a drink, you would not feel bad about having it in you.
from aryssa90 :
purging does make you gain weight, eating not enough can too though. A healthy balanced diet is the best way to start losing weight. it's slow but it stays off for longer periods of time. happy birthday, im sure youll look beautiful no matter what.
from minstrelite :
I hope you have a nice birthday! That's my daughter's age: 24. I'll send something in the mail. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
I sent you an email. =)
from anni05 :
happy early birthday! i hope you have a lot of fun. and im glad you know the voices are wrong. you're one of the most wonderful and strong people ive ever known, and you deserve happiness more than anybody. and you were in my dream last night. it was really weird. me and my dad were vacationing in sweden and you drove past and said hi :P xx
from xxplaydeadxx :
You're human. Everyone slips up sometimes. That's ok. No reason to hate yourself. You didn't kill anyone. You have addictions, and you slipped, that's all. Hating on yourself, beating yourself up over this will only lead to you doing it again. So just start over. You can do it. I love you.
from cloudy-night :
Everyone has said it and so will I. Don't hate yourself, you're hman and you will make mistakes. We're all fallible and you shouldn't beat yourself up over a slip-up. Just don't give up, keep trying, okay?
from aryssa90 :
don't hate yourself. we all make mistakes. everyone falls off the wagon. no reason to hate yourself! its stronger of you to pick yourself right back up and start fresh!
from minstrelite :
I've noticed that there's something about Fridays, at least for me, that makes it really easy to break a resolve pertaining to an addiction. I wouldn't beat yourself up. In fact, think about the 7 days that you went *without* binging & purging. You still "own" those days, you know.
from aryssa90 :
congrats, 9 cigarettes is good. You're right, one day at a time. it doesn't happen over night. You could even try to stick with 9 for the next few days then cut down to 8 to let your body adjust to the decrease in nicotine. It'll take time but it's worth it.
from xxplaydeadxx :
='( I almost cried when I read that N cried so much. And it IS your business. She's your mother-in-law, so yeah, it's your business. And you aren't being a bitch or anything like that, you just care, and that's always a good thing. And hey, 9 is less than 10, so you're getting there. ;) I know what you mean about your mind still being addicted even when you haven't smoked in ages. The act of smoking is just as addictive for me, if not more, than the nicotine itself. Having something in my hand and being able to ya know like move it to my mouth to keep me busy when I'm freaking out about something. But no, I'm not using anything to help. Well, nothing like some kind of quit smoking aid. That makeup is motivating me. =) All the shit costs so much money, and if it doesn't help anything then it's just a waste. She did get me a pack of cigarettes though. For like when we go somewhere and it'll take a while to get there and there'll be a shit ton of cars. That scares the fuck outta me. And for when I'm just really freaked out or whatever. How long is this note? Think it's getting long. Sahrry. :P I've tried to just slow down, but it never works. =/ It's like thinking that, that I have to smoke less, backfires on me, and I end up smoking MORE. Sooooo. Bah. Anyway. I hope N's mommy is ok. :( I love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I am so so so so so so so so proud of you!!! You're doing great. I hope it stays that way. So you used to smoke two packs a day? !!!!! Wow. I've only done that a few times. When I was like...yeah. When Haley broke up with me. Anyway. Wow. That's a lot. So it's awesome that you cut down that much!!!! =D Apparently just cutting back doesn't work for me. I've never been able to just slow down. I have to quit completely or not at all. =/ Which really sucks ass. Do you smoke a whole one or just half of one at a time? Annnnd it's great that you are proud of yourself. =D Love you!
from aryssa90 :
congrats! take things slow, a day at a time.
from koorikaze :
Congrats! *hug* I am so glad to hear such wonderful news. Just try to take things slow and don't overexert yourself. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
I know what I'm going to do. Hahaha, it's gonna be a bitch for me to do everything I have to in order for you to see it, so I'm probably going to start on it tomorrow night. =D Hell, maybe tonight, I don't know. But I hope you like it. Hope it'll make you smile. You'll be able to understand just how much of a dumbass I really am. ;) Yep yep yep! =D *squeals* This is the first time I've ever done this. So feel special! So yeah. Anyway. You called me cupcake. My ex-best friend Megan used to call me that. And ex-friend Denna, and Megan's ex Chip. We're going to a big mall soon and I'm nervous about it. No cigarettes. It's about an hour away, and I don't do good being in a car for that long. I freak out. =( And there's always a shitload of people. And then we're going out to eat. Damn. =/ Don't even know why I told you that. Oh well. ;) Love you!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
p.s.--->have I ever mentioned that you are one of my heroes? =D
from xxplaydeadxx :
Thank you. I like hearing that I'm cool. =D ;) I just got an idea for a present for you. You might think it's dumb, but...yeah. I'm nervous about doing it. But I'm pretty sure you'll like it...hopefully. Hm. Sometimes it's hardest to stand up to family members, or friends. I hate that it's that way, but I think more most people that's just how it is. I hope that one day you can do it. Or just ignore her completely and find some [healthy] way to not let it bother you.And I'm sweet to you because that's what you deserve. Sweetness and kindness and loviness. ;) Love you.
from aryssa90 :
it's not always your blood relatives that are your family. Your life will be a lot easier if you keep that in mind.
from xxplaydeadxx :
They ask, tell them the truth. That they care more than your sad sad sorry excuse for a mother does. It really is bullshit that you will go through that hell of seeing demons while on the bus to see HER, but for you, her own daughter, she can't get off her ass and be a good mom. Can I go find her and kick her ass? Please. There are quite a few people I'm needing to hunt down, and I think everyone who is bad to you should be on my list. One day my head is going to explode from anger, you watch. It's gonna happen. BUT, at least all those other people are going to come. So you can still have a good birthday. I wish I could be there. Or that I could at least get you a present. But I have no money. Don't have anything of mine I could send that you'd enjoy either. I doubt it anyway. Because I'm a loser and don't have any cool stuff. =/ *sigh* Love you.
from koorikaze :
I am so sorry you are going through such tough situations. If you ever feel you'd like a friend to talk to, let me know. I dunno how much help I can be but I am a good listener. *hug*
from minstrelite :
Hi, I got your note and email. Let me just respond in an email - I'm praying for you.
from minstrelite :
I'm a little out-of-it right now myself, but I think that after 14 hours sleep you would naturally feel groggy, with-or-without having taken a lot of pills, and you'll probably have better energy after being awake for two or three hours. About V, it seems to me that he wants you to continue to be bound up in the b/p cycle, and at the risk of alienating you as a friend, I fully believe you should begin to regard everything he tells you as a lie. And remember that the best lies contain enough truth within them to deceive us. But since even the truth he speaks is intended to serve the purpose of an overall lie, he is not to be trusted. He only wants to keep you in bondage - forever, if he can.
from minstrelite :
Thanks for your note. I also replied to your email. I don't think I will stop believing, but sometimes my mind messes with me, usually as a result of something that is going on with me physiologically, which might have something to do with my disorder, or maybe with the fact that I still haven't fully recovered from all the abuse. Ultimately, I believe I have faith. I know that I need to, because if I tried to live by reason alone I would never make it.
from xxplaydeadxx :
ASSHOLE!!! ;) I wanna see that movie so bad! So it was scary? The trailer scared the piss out of me. AHHH I'm so glad you had a good time and are feeling so good!!! I just got up like 25 minutes ago, and your diary is the first then I went to. So it's put me in an even better mood. =D *hugs really tight* I LOVE YOU!*refuses to let go* ;)
from minstrelite :
You are a good person. And I do understand what you were saying in your last note, and I appreciate your being empathetic. It's just that I've accepted that part of my family life, and I've had to do a lot of work to detach myself from the pain of that particular judgment and rejection. I honestly have a harder time with some other people than with her. Well, today was not my best day, but I try and keep my chin up. I just hope I can climb out from under myself soon.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Do you have any kind of instant messenger?
from reasonxaway :
likewise. :) it's been a long time since i've actually talked to anyone on here.
from xxplaydeadxx :
If you were to die, all of your friends would feel absolutely horrible. And if you die, you'll never have the chance to be happy. You'd just be dead. If hell IS real, I don't think you'd rot there. You're not a bad person. Everyone fucks up sometimes. And sometimes it's a really bad fuck up, but it doesn't mean YOU are a fuck up, a bad person. I wish you could believe me. Love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Love, you may never feel like you're ready to stop doing this stuff. People can't sit around and wait for something inside them to just change all on its own, ya know? Just like your mom, no one can force you to get better. I'm not trying to say you're like your mom. It doesn't seem that way at all. Your mom seems pretty stupid, and you don't. I hope this note isn't making you mad or upset. I'm not trying to do that. I just know for a fact that people hardly ever just all of a sudden feel like they're ready, and then it changes. A lot of the time I still don't feel like I'm ready to be done with everything. BUT, I think it's pretty damn awesome of you that you told her the truth. And why be MAD at someone for having problems that you didn't ask for? I understand that she doesn't have those problems, but still. And what the fuck should it matter if your sister is with a Swedish dude? I fucking hate people like that. It should not matter where the person is from, what color, what religion, what sex, what WHATEVER the person is, as long as they're good to your kid. Ahhh I wanna punch your mom in her damn head. >.< What I said earlier, I didn't mean it's your fault that you're depressed or anything like that. I just meant like...she's the only one that can get him out of her life, and you're the only one that can get the ED and the smoking [which in my opinion you shouldn't try to stop until you're much better about the ED] and cutting and anything else out of your life. Please tell me if this made you mad or upset, and I'll apologize. If it does, that just means that I didn't word the shit the right way, because believe me, I have not set out to hurt you in anyway. I love you. And if there was some way that I could take all the bad away from you, I'd do it in a heartbeat. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
I hope it's different too. I know you can do it. I KNOW it. Believe it 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000%. :) I love you bunchies and bunchies. ♥
from koorikaze :
As a former bulemic, I understand where you are coming from. I have no idea what type of support I can give but if you need to talk, know that I have been there and done that.
from xxplaydeadxx :
6 times....God, that's so much. ='( I wish that you could call me or text me or some shit when you felt like doing it. Not that I'd be of any help...but I'd like to at least be able to try to help you some. :( Are you mad at me? I've left a few notes but you haven't replied? You're probably not, you've just not felt up to it or something. Just wanna make sure though. The voices couldn't be more wrong. You are not an ugly, fat, or horrible person. You are a very amazing, kind, loving, BEAUTIFUL person. Inside and out. I think you should maybe try like hell to be able to talk to N about what makes you feel the need to purge. I know it can't be easy, but...maybe it would help. And you're right, what he does isn't helping you. That kind of thing only makes it so much fucking harder. I want you to be ok. You deserve to be happy. I love you.
from minstrelite :
I don't purge, and I don't want to pretend that I know much about it, but I'll read up on it if you want me to. I'm always a little upset that people in my life don't read up on bipolar disorder. They say they know about it, but then they say things that indicate that they don't, otherwise they wouldn't say what they do. It's weird what people will do, even when trying to be supportive. All that said, I can relate to seeing food as a drug, though not to purging. A lot of the time, the attitude I have before, say, eating out in a restaurant (and therefore spending more money than I should) is that of wanting to get a "food fix," - based on the pleasure principle, and not really seeing food for what it is, a bodily necessity and an ingredient of health. However, I think we are still to enjoy the pleasure of eating. Food is a gift to us. For spiritual people, this is why we say grace, or thanksgiving. We are acknowledging food as a gift. When we begin to see something as a gift, we develop a tendency to want to treasure it, and tend to it as something special, so as not to let it go to waste or deteriorate, in which case there would be no more gift. It's as though someone gave us a decorative piece of glass, or a grail, and instead of washing it and polishing or shining it in order to help it to retain its newness, so that we might better appreciate it, we instead used it carelessly, or overused it, and eventually dropped it, and it broke in two. When we see food as one of God's gifts to us, and when we are thankful, we find that we treasure its application, and we feel good about this. It's not just a necessity, it is still a pleasure, it still tastes good. But we come to appreciate it in a different way than we do when we devour it as though it were a drug. For me, this means buying groceries and healthful foods and beverages, and eating them at home more often, and only eating out on occasion. Or, if I do eat out, not to gorge on greasy foods as I often have. In fact, I will do this for you if you will do this for me. I don't want to be making it out to be simple either. To tell you to stop binging would be like telling an alcoholic to stop drinking. It's not that simple. But it's possible, and within your reach, one step at a time.
from koorikaze :
You could always do what I used to and print off the entry. I really hope things get better for you.
from fatalbreath :
fatal breath :)
from cloudy-night :
Maybe you should tell him that you need his support like you've written it here. I won't lie to you, I understand his position too. He sees how you're hurting yourself and after a while, he feels like his back is to the wall. Like the only way to help you is by forcing himself onto you because he probably can't take it that you're hurting yourself and he feels helpless. N, probably wants to understand, but it's hard to see someone you love going through such turmoil and he probably feels helpless in his attempts to help. There's no off button for what you have, it's a part of you --- regardless of your feelings about it. You can only try suppress it and I've heard that it's no walk in the park. Just be careful, both you and N.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm glad you feel better.I think that you can stop purging. I have faith in you. And I don't have faith in a whole lot of people. I truly believe that you have the strength to get better. If I didn't, I wouldn't waste my time telling you that you do. K? Love you.
from minstrelite :
I am so glad you are doing better. I wonder if you might be able to get past the purging on a 'one day at a time' path of recovery. There are principles we use in our recovery program such as surrendering our will to that of a higher power who, though this might be defined differently for different people (or even left undefined) nevertheless always has our best interests at heart. Just a thought. It's not an easy road, I know. But if it can be broken down into smaller pieces, maybe it won't seem like such a big huge nemesis.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I don't want to lose you. :( I love you.
from minstrelite :
Sometimes I can't tell how worried I should be. That is, it is hard to distinguish from your writing how much you are just releasing everything, for therapeutic or healing purposes, and how much you might be in psychological danger. One thing that I believe about you, though, is that you are a survivor. You always do seem to make it. But I hope that some of these mental situations change for the better soon. Not sure what the injection is...
from xxplaydeadxx :
You're absolutely right about the whole nothing getting resolved without actually talking about it. I think you should definitely listen to her over the voices. They'll only lie to you and try to hurt you. She doesn't want to hurt you, just help you. You know that, so don't let them convince you otherwise, k? ok. :) Uh. Well. No. The tooth that's breaking [which happened more today] hasn't hurt more yet. It had been for a while. Really damn bad. But I'm trying not to chew on that side so it won't break anymore. But I can't really chew on the other side b/c when I do, it feels like the teeth are like being pulled down when I let off the food, ya know? I know what will happen to my teeth, and how it'll feel, so I'm not worried about it. Just annoyed. It's my stomache that I'm worried about. I don't know if I have cancer, or Crohn's Disease, or something else. Don't know how will find out what I have. :( I don't know what's up with my damn back, or when I'll get to find out. :( I'll stop now, or I won't ever. ;) I love you.
from minstrelite :
I know. It was horrible. The only thing on her mind was crack cocaine and doing anything to obtain it. Yet you could still see the innocence in her eyes. When I called my friend John he was clear in saying, as you did, that I cannot save her. Even the desire to do so is only a twisted search for love in the wrong places, like Carl Jung's perception that an alcoholic is searching for God in a bottle.
from aryssa90 :
im glad you're feeling alright. you should tell her what the voices say, you can't get help if she doesn't know exactly what's going on. and i would try the shots. its worth it if it might make you feel better.
from koorikaze :
Sometimes doctors have to grasp at straws when they feel what they learned by the book is not working. Personally, I would not take the shot without doing extensive research on it (non-biased sites).
from xxplaydeadxx :
Um. I don't think she's trying to control you. Of course I can't say for sure. But I just don't think she is. What exactly would the injections be for? Haley's uncle has a lot of issues. Bad, and really no pills have helped him. But once he started getting the injections, he got so much better. So who knows? Maybe it could be something that would help you. It's up to you of course, but maybe it's something to consider. I love you. ♥
from minstrelite :
I just read your entry but I am still digesting it. I think I agree with the person below, pretty much. But I did want to tell you I think it's great that you haven't had a drink for nine months now. Good for you! I was just at a meeting last night where the speaker talked about how the more he drank, the more pills he needed to take, until he started landing in the hospital, and eventually was so bad he couldn't get out of the hospital. He had been a Muslim by conversion, so he was not supposed to drink, and he was opposed to drinking, but he had found a "solution" in drinking. After a while, however, it didn't work. Anyway, he is doing really well now. But one thing he mentioned was that it's the classic scenario that someone will drink heavily and mix it with pills. All over the Big Book (the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous) are such stories, including that of the founders. Anyway, I am doing well. I just got back from my meeting. I've been five days in a row now, and have stayed clean and sober. Like I said, it just sort of wound down. I feel healthy, and I'm making some money, the weather is beautiful, and life is good. I couldn't really ask for more.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I don't think it's immature at all to feel and think like that. And if anyone ever tells you it is, well that person can just go fuck him/herself. You're relationship isn't strange either, in my opinion. It's not exactly normal, but normal is boring. It's stressful at times, but the hard times make the good times even better, and you guys probably appreciate each other and the good times more than the 'normal' [boring :P] people. If you are happy with your relationship, that is all that matters. If you do ever get way better [which I really hope happens btw] then that wouldn't necessarily mean N would have to stop taking care of you. You would just also be able to take care of yourself some more. And so what if your kinda childlike. I am too. I think in a way it's a good thing when people aren't able to be a child when they're supposed to be. Because then we get to be free and kiddyish for the rest of our lives, instead of being a true [usually boring, again] adult. =] They adult childs I've known [regardless of why they're like big kids] have been the most fun, nonjudgenmental people I've ever met. I'm not saying 'woo, everyone should have a shitty childhood.' Not at all. I just think maybe those of us who had that happen should try to see the positive side of it, ya know? Which I think you do. So go you! =D And if you just disappeared...I'd notice. And I'd miss you. ='( I love you.
from cloudy-night :
Change is a constant thing, even though your days seem quite similar, they're unique in their own way. I'm like you, I don't want things to change, but they will. Life is always changing and will do so regardless of how much we fight against it. You would be missed. I may not send notes, but I read your diary every time a new entry pops up. You're a strong person and you can overcome anything. When you're fifty, you will love yourself and N will love you more than he does now. I'm pretty sure your children will too, if you plan on having any. I remember reading why you couldn't leave town before, but now I see the other reason. You're so cool, so I think that you would be comfortable anywhere. When your finances are better, you and N should take a vacation. I hope that everything will be fine, I believe they will. :)
from shanmeid :
You aren't the only one who feels that way about DLand. I started the blog but whatever I write is exactly what I put on DLand. So you never have to worry about not knowing what's going on with me. How much longer are you at your mom's for? PS. got your email, sorry I haven't replied! ;)
from minstrelite :
It's what worked for me, anyway. Maybe something similar will help you with the b/p. Also it seems to have helped me with my primary addiction. The desire is less and less, having cut back, and also having applied greater focus to the positive benefits of recovery.
from luxelady :
thank you so much for your sweet note...i'm sorry you're going through such a rough time :(
from minstrelite :
Maybe quitting smoking completely, more-or-less suddenly, isn't a good way to go for you. It seems to activate the b/p problem. I remember for me it was helpful when I quit to cut back first. Then, once I did quit completely, it wasn't so hard on my body.
from minstrelite :
I'm here. I'm not going to leave you.
from journalmine :
You just don't know. Apparently, none of you do. But I don't blame you. He's good. He's good at appearing good. Good luck to you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
N cheated on you? ='( Why did he do that? I'm glad you at least seem to have handled hearing that pretty well. Omg the worms! =O That's so gross. Ew ew ew. I can handle worms, but if they were inside our place, I'd murder someone. I hope they're able to get rid of the little fuckers so you can go back home. :( Again, sorry it took me forever to reply. I've been pretty sick lately. :(
from mystokryst :
I hope the exterminators will be able to rid the place of the worms, and you will be sleeping in your own bed soon. I can only imagine how horrifying that must be. I wish there were some way I could help beyond what I've already sent, but I can't right now.
from mystokryst :
Got your FB note but am having difficulty logging on after cleaning out my cookies. This is one of those nights when I am not thinking clearly, and I have been making undue Internet-related errors. I have not yet finished the Washington job nor received the $150, also a buyer for my Cubase 4 software bailed out. So I am still broke. Hopefully tomorrow will bring the money. My landlady listed all five programs on Amazon.
from mystokryst :
I got your notes. I'll send you an email, so I can get your PayPal address. This job is easier than I thought. I had to email the guy to clarify the job description. Turns out I have been making it harder all along, due to perfectionism. So I'm trying to get it done this morning, it being 9:30am right now on the West Coast of the U.S. Also, I have global texting on my cell, so we can communicate that way if it is helpful. I need to "learn how to text" anyway.
from mystokryst :
I only have $10 right now, so I can't help you. However, if I make the $250 I am trying to make by nightfall, let me know if you have a PayPal account, and I will send you $40. If this makes you uncomfortable, you can go ahead and delete the note. But I would rather you just accept the money.
from mystokryst :
I lived in a place with a cockroach problem once. A guy came to spray the rooms once a week but it never helped. One time I reached for my cup of coffee and felt something strange, looked inside, and there wasa cockroach. Ewwww.....
from mystokryst :
I've heard of other dads who treat their first-born daughters *something* like that, but the way you describe your dad, it sounds like he has some serious major issues. I wonder if it will ever catch up with him? By living in his own little world, he probably protects himself from having to deal with his stuff.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I think that 1-your dad needs to keep his fucking mouth shut unless he actually knows what he's fucking talking about and 2-you need to keep taking medicine. It sucks ass, but your taking it for the right reason. You're not taking it because you want to get fucked up or some shit like that. You take it because you actually NEED it. I didn't read the note below this one, but I did see something about the person suggesting you standing up to your 'father'. It would be good for you to tell him to just shut the FUCK up. BUT I understand why you don't do that. As long as you try to not let it get to you, I don't care what you say to him. Know what I mean? How has your tummy been feeling?? I love you.
from mystokryst :
Maybe you need to stand up to your dad a little more. If you just go "yeah whatever" you will later wish you had told him all those other things. Why don't you just tell him that he's not a doctor and how does he know if the meds are bad for you? Just because you say you're tired doesn't mean the tiredness was caused by the pills. People who don't take pills get tired. You can say all that. And just tell him you are better on the meds than off. I know what you mean about religion. With people like your dad, religion closes himself off from any kind of real spirituality. It's a bone of contention between me and some of my friends, because no matter how many times I tell them I'm not religious, they don't seem to listen. There's basically nothing religious about me at all. I'm spiritual.
from mystokryst :
I didn't say that quite right. What I meant was, I don't want to write entries while I'm drunk or high, or the morning after. When I do that, I wind up saying things that hurt other people (or even myself) unnecessarily, and nobody needs it. I meant that, as long as I'm sober at the time when I'm writing, I'm ok. I can't imagine writing a drunken entry and doing anything other than wanting to delete it in the morning anyway.
from mystokryst :
I was going to say, you must be a genius. Maybe you are anyway? You seem very bright...anyway, great lyrics.
from mystokryst :
I feel your pain, but did you write that? It's really good. It should be put to music. Also, I'm back now. You can click here and read me if you like. I think that if I can stay sober, I will stick around.
from mystokryst :
yeah, i can't imagine what all that must do to your body - i just keep wondering what the solution is, or why they haven't found it, or what you can do to help you to help yourself. I have read about it but it seems foggy to me. anyway i think you can note me here - i set it that way, i don't know if i'll actually write anything. i am really depressed and i am angry at every member of my family - it makes me want to leave this part of the world because it is painful to have found a place to live that is so close to all three of them and yet they never talk to me or, like yesterday with my daughter, it is only with judgment. when i get depressed like last night when i wrote that sort of poem-like note on you FB, whenever i am depressed i always think that you are the only person i've met (online or off) who would be there for me and who would understand - that is, whether your life was such that you could be there right away or not till a month or two away, you would still totally be there because you would understand. And you wouldnt judge me. I get so depressed I have to just keep thinking about you until I can put my mind at ease. I wish things were different, and I better go now.
from shanmeid :
hey love. so couldn't they tell you what was wrong? i hope it's not an ulcer or something... take care of yourself ;) p.s. i'm still here :) Love you lots!
from i-am-jack :
I know what you mean by the feeling of Diaryland dying. Most of my friends list was gone before I even started reading you. But it kind of seems like it's dying again. I do want you to know that even though I update sporadically these days and hardly comment, that I actually read you a lot. Every now and then I like to tell people I am around, even if it doesn't seem like it.
from xxplaydeadxx :
:( I'm sorry your tummy got so fucked up. N's right I bet. There's is just no way that your tummy isn't extremely fucked up from all the purging. :( fuck, mine is, so yours definitely has to be. :( *hugs* I'm also so sorry that I haven't replied to you. I just haven't felt much like getting on here or myspace and talking to people. I've felt...nyeh lately. =/ Well, it's not that I haven't felt like talking, it's just that I haven't felt like TYPING. ;) Anyway, YAY FOR EATING! :) Did they tell you at the hospital what was wrong with it? :( I love you. <3
from dreams2tell :
If you can find that softer part of yourself, the part that is more subtle, and that is willing to let things hang in nebulus, in limbo, and not have to make a hard-and-fast decision, not have to see things in the black-and-white, but be content with the grey area; then your thoughts won't tend as readily toward suicidal ideations. At least this has been true of me, not so much with respect to the suicidal, but as pertains to my sometimes desiring to use a dangerous substance, specifically speed. When I can tell myself that, although I desire a change, I don't need so drastic a change, and can find a little bit of rest in something different for a change, or maybe only a minor change, a subtle difference - then I am usually all right. No you cannot force him to take his meds but you can consider the source, and know that this is his untreated self speaking, and not the real man as he is when he is taking care of himself and is supportive of you. By all means think of those who love you when tempted to do anything drastic, and also be among those who love you. Do you love the person you see when you look in the mirror? You have that power, you know. And in any case, you are a loveable person, you are not unloveable in the least! It may take reinforcing this, again and again, since someone somewhere along the line conveyed something to the contrary, and this may be deeply rooted in your unconscious and in your childhood. Think of the movie you recommended for me, and the simple search for friendship among those who, despite foul circumstances, have no cause to doubt the inherent goodness in human nature. I believe in you. I hope you will also begin to believe in yourself, not just toying with the notion, but in a way that is sincere and will endure.
from stellarrobot :
Long live Diaryland! Where is everyone going anyway? Defecting to some flavour of the month site I bet. People are so fickle.
from illusionless :
I agree with you Enurta. I wrote an entry about that not long ago myself. Majority of my list is gone to or rarely updates. I don't get nearly as many notes as before either (I rarely leave notes either so I'm no exception either) It's shame because Diaryland is such a small and friendly community and the templates are the best out of all other journaling websites, especially livejournal, but that's just my opinion. I wish Andrew would work on getting the sites hype and appeal back up, but alas... Glad you're doing well and you had a great time with N on your anniversary. Happy 5th anniversary and here's to many more in the future. Stay strong and take care.
from dreams2tell :
I think you had a good day (7/28) in that you began to take things (and see things) in moderation. I think it's good not to go to the extremes or the black-and-white, but to practice more subtlety. I have had that problem myself, not manifesting in b/p but in other ways. It's best to be gentle with oneself, and it appears that this is what you are beginning to do. Good for you!
from xxplaydeadxx :
My GOD that was a long ass fucking note!! Sorry!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
Yeah, Haley's my bitch. ;) Teehee. Haley's been in a constant great mood since Jayna found out. I guess we hadn't realized JUST how much hiding this was affecting her. It'd been stressing me out really bad, like I'd freak out everytime I heard a car door outside, even if it was like 3 in the morning, b/c you really never know with Jayna. We're both still surprised that she didn't ever just pop up without warning. What's even more surprising is that she hasn't been a bitch to Haley since then. Gage, her brother, said she was SUPER pissy and bitching and shit that day, but maybe she's just fnally realized she has to let go and let Haley live her own damn life. But I'm lke 1000000000000% sure she's still hoping Haley will 'come to her senses' or whatever and get rid of me. *sigh* Sucks for her. ;) ...:( You have no idea why your father hates N? :( N takes care of you though, sure he freaks sometimes, but really, who doesn't? Hell, maybe that's why. Because your father is a jerk almost all the time, and he can't be happy for you. =/ Asshole. >=[ I'll beat him up for you. =P I'm sure that's how it's gonna be with us though. Jayna is probably never going to accept me, always going to want me gone. How do I feel about this shit? Hmm. I don't really care that Jayna doesn't like me. I don't like her either. Because she's a bitch most of the time to Haley and Gage. And they don't deserve it. Haley thinks me and Jayna would actually get along, if she'd just give me a chance. Believe it or not, if she decided to try to get the fuck over herself, I'd try to get along with her. But whenever she sees me, sure she'll talk to me a bit, but she...Jayna has this tone she uses. And it just fucking...urgh. It's like she's disgusted by the person she's talking to. Like she's better than you, and she can't believe she's wasting her precious time talking to you. Like the last time I saw her, and she REALLY wasn't happy about it b/c I was at her house, and she wasn't expecting that, she was asking me about college. I didn't want to go into any of why I haven't gone yet. It's none of her business. [sorry, I guess this is a long note, and it's gonna get even longer.] This was like a year ago, so I'm having trouble remembering. Um. Let's see what did I tell her? I think I just said that it's b/c I've had 'a lot of problems lately' and plus I have no license or car or job blah blah. And she was trying to act like she gives a fuck and said she'd help me learn to drive, help me try to get a job at walmart. But I know she wasn't doing that to be nice. This is not me just being a girl who doesn't like her girlfriend's mother. This is actually true. Jayna is like my uncle. She'll only do something nice for someone she doesn't like so she can brag about how wonderful she is. And she told me it'd be stupid to not go to college b/c I could get 'a free ride'. But I had so much shit going on. I mean a bunch of fucking shit. If I had gone to college then, I'd have just ended up having to quit, and then lose my scholarship and have to pay for the shit I'd done myself, which would have been thousands of dollars. No thank you. Really the only reason she wants me to go to school probably is that she doesn't want her daughter dating a loser, which is what she thinks I am. But yeah, I don't give a fuck what she thinks about me. It just pisses me off and hurts me when Haley is crying over that bitch. She really makes Haley feel like she's not good enough, like her happiness isn't important.Ok. I think I've taken enough of your time. Love you too. *hugs* ♥
from dreams2tell :
You are not a bad person. But I wonder if the meds might be interacting in some bad way. You shouldn't be "becoming psychotic" every night. Something is amiss. Your b/p is behavior that can gradually be shed, and healing is possible. I don't think N. smokes pot because of dis-satisfaction with you. He's addicted to the pot, and it makes him feel good.
from for-you-only :
After over 5 years of being for-you-only on diaryland I'm finally going to be moving to a new blog where I won't be revealing my name or other people's names or where I live. The personal information on my blog has come back to bite me time and time again, and it's time to close this blog's doors for good. Thanks for reading me here. If you want to find my new blog, join my notify list. ~Phoenix
from funds4tunes :
There must be a solution to this. It seems like it's coming to a head. I wonder if in therapy you have gotten to the root causes...
from dreams2tell :
I was just reading your entry, after I got your note. Maybe if you are selective about the people with whom you can share your ED, it will be better than feeling that you have to hide it. I might be in the dark, though. Anyway, I miss you too. I just have been going through this thing, feeling resentful toward my circumstances, in that there are so many new things I wish I could be doing that would expand my horizons (taking a class, learning new things, and so forth), but I am so overloaded with work, some of which involves very serious pressures, that I am beginning to feel deprived of due opportunity, and as a result I wind up escaping into old lairs of the mind. Still, I think I'm on a better track than I was earlier. I found a really cool place to live, where it's peaceful and quiet, and I've been managing the rent so far. I found a doctor and got my meds fixed finally. I don't have a therapist yet, as I have to wait till August for the system to turn over, but I've been clean for over two months now, and going to regular meetings here. I miss you too. I'll make a point of getting over here more often. Take care of yourself, hon..
from xxplaydeadxx :
=') That note made me tear up. Thank you. I'm so glad I make you feel better. And obviously, you always make me feel better too. *hugs really tight* And me and Haley were talking today about travelling whenever we get the money, and she asked me where I wanted to go, and I said, well, I won't say the name of where you live, in case you don't want that known. But I said your country. ;) And she was like "...Who lives there?" "*****!! DUH!" "Oh yeah! We gotta go see her!" =D SOOOO, we are definitely going to meet someday. :D I love you mucho. Hope you're doing ok. ♥
from dreams2tell :
I just stopped by to say hello. I'm hardly ever here anymore. Maybe we can chat on FB sometime. Take care of yourself.
from cloudy-night :
That's right, you haven't lost! Long as you move forward, you'll never be lost.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I didn't make you feel better, I know that. :( Um...it's not really that I think I'm worthless...just that I'm not a great friend. I don't ever know how to help anybody and people just quit talking to me. They find people, or just one damn person, that they think is better. Even the people who I'm not whiney with, who I don't talk about all my problems with. [I've talked about a lot of my issues with most of my exfriends. but not all this much.]...even the people I thought would be there forever...they found new people...it hurts...I got used to having friends after going soooo long without them...Fuck it, whatever. *sigh* ='( ....I understand why you want to talk to your father, even though he hurt you. He's your FATHER, it's not necessarily him as a person really, b/c he doesn't seem all that good at all, but it's that he's your dad. and even if it's hard to talk to him and like it, it's just sooooooooo much easier to not have drama going on...I guess 4 doctors COULD be wrong, only that doesn't seem like it's a very common thing. And they're definitely not wrong about your problems. Hope he isn't an ass this time. Love you. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
I was only trying to make you feel beter...
from xxplaydeadxx :
*sigh* my beautiful dear, you cannot weigh yourself this often and expect it to be right. You're only supposed to weigh yourself in the morning, witth no clothes on, right after you pee. And really you're not supposed to weigh yourself everyday, it's not going to be right. And even if it says you have gained a couple pounds, you may not look different, or you could even look as though you've LOST weight. Trust me, I know that it's incredibly hard to believe that, and for it to help at all. Haley explained the stuff to me, but I can't remember exactly what she said. Hell, you probably already know, but I'll ask her to explain it to me again. *hugs* I love you.
from dinosaurorgy :
Sorry, I too have been away. I can't wait to play catchup -- do you remember me..?
from cloudy-night :
Please don't do any that may harm you! I think you should talk to N and your doctor about what's going on with you. I hope you do.
from ethereal-red :
So sorry I have been absent. Please do not think it is because I don't care or something like that. It's because my life has been rather crazy. I am glad you are married to a man who loves you, and who cares for you. I hope that someday you can attain inner peace and kick this bulimia monster out of your life. You deserve better than bulimia!
from xxplaydeadxx :
:( *hugs* I'm sorry. Is there ANYONE you could talk to to talk you calm you a bit when this stuff happens? :( I'm really so sorry you're hurting. ='(
from illusionless :
You are welcome. I'm sorry your day was shitty.
from illusionless :
Hi Enurta, I'm just wondering if you got my e-mail that I sent you awhile ago with my diary access in it.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm also proud of you for telling the truth. I know it had to be hard. And I'm glad N understood. You really are beautiful, no matter what weight or anything. Inside and out. I love you sooooooo much!! :) I hope you can get better. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
I don't think that about Iraqi people. All this shit needs to hurry up and end. =/ ...I don't understand. Why can they not leave?? :( I definitely do not blame you for not wanting to go over there. Way too dangerous. =S The sugar glider thing just sucks. Why is it illegal to have them as pets?? They're funny little things. I have Delilah, Samson [he's the daddy], Zeke, and now this new baby. Dunno if it's a girl or boy yet, it's still in the pouch. Or part of it is. One foot is out at all times. :P They do this funny 'bark', and sometimes they fight over food so they chase each other all over the cage. Very amusing. :) I love you too. Please don't feel guilty about this stuff. OK? Ok. *hugs real tight*
from xxplaydeadxx :
A sugar glider. :)
from minstrelite :
Fear of success.
from xxplaydeadxx :
When I started this like over four years ago, I didn't know much about it. So I didn't know you're not supposed to brush your teeth after puking. All I knew was it's a nasty taste, and I wanted to get rid of it. Then once I found out that you're not supposed to do that, I cut back on it. [the brushing part I mean] But I thought I 'wasn't sick enough', that nothing would happen, that you had to do it an absolutely insane amount of times for years and years before anything would happen. Now my teeth are all fucked to hell. =/ The root canal lady gave me a prescription for some fluoride toothpaste, but the person at the pharmacy told me he needed to get her approval first, and he never fucking called her, so I didn't get it. She'd told me it'd help a lot. Right now I don't even care so much that I've fucked up one of the only two things that I like physically about myself, I just hate the pain. :( I'm going to see a dentist as soon as I possibly can. Don't know if I have insurance right now, and I have no money, so I couldn't pay to see one and to get the meds he'd give me. *sigh* ...Oh geez, I hope you don't get diabetes. :( Be careful ok? I love you. ♥ *hugs*
from minstrelite :
I don't know anything about eating disorders, but I think it stands to reason that if you could get yourself to believe that you are worthy of the delicious food your mother-in-law prepares, then you might begin to savor it with more of a willingness to really appreciate it. From limited experience with "binge-eating" (nothing near the level you're describe), I find that I often don't really stop to think about what I'm eating, to slow down and really taste it, and enjoy it. I'm just manically devouring it, as though to satisfy some inner craving that in reality is probably completely unrelated to food. Also, my daughter just got diagnosed with Level Two Diabetes. I guess I'm lucky - the hardest thing in the world, she says, is for an Italian to forego pasta. I know that would be hard for me, too, and I'm at least twice as Italian as she is. ;o)
from shanmeid :
I've been smoking for close on 10 years now... *terrible* It wasn't so much a problem until I moved into the new department at work. Majority of people smoke and I'm friends with all of them, so it's an excuse to get out the office for 10 min. a few times a day and just destress. But I can't go on making excuses. I have to quit. And I've spent so much money on these med's that I'm adament they're going to have to work for me. As for you, you need to find a time in your life that suits you to quit. I just never have a good time, so no time is a good time! That's why I'm forcing it!
from minstrelite :
That's weird - I asked Tony if I could borrow ten bucks from his last night, and I didn't feel weird about it at all. I paid him back today though. I usually feel weird about asking people to borrow money, but it had been so long since I'd asked him for anything, I guess it didn't bother me.
from minstrelite :
I think we all come up with excuses to maintain our addictions rather than let go of them.
from shanmeid :
Zyban would be bad for u because ur already on med's. It's basically an anti-depressant called Wellbutrin which they have repackaged as an aid to quit smoking. I'm not on anything so it's fine. It actually feels pretty good to ok with being on my own or just wanting to be quiet. It's like I don't have to try hard to just be. Anyways, how's ur quitting going?
from minstrelite :
I didn't say that very well. I meant that, if you are honest with someone else, like your significant other; it means you are honest with yourself. But if you are honest with yourself, it does not necessarily mean you will be honest with your significant other. That's why J. Krishnamurti said that we find our true selves most often mirrored in our relationships.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm glad he didn't get mad. Getting mad does no good. I want you to understad that you're not a bad person...Ok? You're a wonderful person.
from xxplaydeadxx :
It's really good that you were eventually honest with him. Did he get mad? You're not a horrible person. Like you said, your ADDICTION makes you do this stuff. So it's not that you're a bad person, it's just that you're addicted to this...
from minstrelite :
It does matter that you told the truth, even though at first you did not. Telling the truth to another is a sign that you are becoming honest with yourself. The converse, however, is not true.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I started smoking about 2 1/2 years ago. And now I hate it. When you wake up, do you get like a sharp pain if you breathe too deeply? Plus it tastes so nasty and cigs are soooo expensive. I'm just scared to quit b/c I'll probably eat a lot more. =/
from minstrelite :
I know. Even when she was a little girl, we were all thinking she would turn out to be voluptuous. And lo and behold.
from xxplaydeadxx :
No, I don't wanna end up in a hospital. I really don't want to start this stuff again, so I'm trying really hard not to. I've been eating, and keeping it down. I'm about to try to quit smoking, so me and you can do it together. :) If monster ends up using his facebook again, couldn't you just deny his request if he does try to add you? Hopefully he'll just leave it alone though.. So are you and your evil little sister getting along? Love you too ♥
from minstrelite :
If your dad puts in a friend request, just don't accept it. Then he won't see your photos. It's that simple, isn't it? I mean, so what if he's offended? I put in a friend request for my daughter's facebook, and she didn't respond, even though I go to her MySpace all the time http://myspace.com/echoesarelovely isn't she pretty? She looks like she's sixteen, but she's actually your age. Also her music is at http://myspace.com/7echoes - laterz. BTW I'm on Haight Street at the People's Cafe, they just closed the place and we're all rockin'. What a scene.
from anni05 :
dont worry too much about it hun... if he adds you, just dont accept... make your profile private if you havent already.
from manfromvenus :
Coincidence! I used the word 'remission' in today's entry. It basically means a reduction in the severity of symptoms. So something that is in remission hurts/bothers you less: could be a temporary or permanent improvement though. It's really a very imprecise term. I'd be kind of annoyed if my medic was so inexact, and also if they insisted on using flowery language when I needed clarity. I'd be blunt and ask questions... you deserve a straight answer. Still reading (hope you don't mind) and still finding it interesting. Hoping for the best, for you. J.
from beyourself- :
i really love what you have written in your diary, it's very truthful and that inspires me a lot. :)
from bantenhut :
Enurta--try not to listen to your dad and the voices if you can help it. He shouldn't have said those things. Women are beautiful. Girls turn into beautiful women; you're supposed to develop. Only a few people are skinny, and they're models, and we shouldn't make them models. Your dad is just flat wrong--both factually and morally. He shouldn't have said those things to you, and those things aren't true. You can do it, you can eat better and not purge. I know it must be very difficult, I'm sorry you have these sorts of challenges. But you can do it. Power on Enurta, one day at a time.
from minstrelite :
You will feel better once you quit, but try not to hate yourself. If it helps any, smoking is the one thing I *did* quit. I got to where it disgusted me just enough that I quit, cold turkey too - it's been 17 years now. You'll quit when you're good and ready.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm so so so glad things are getting better. Love you. ♥
from minstrelite :
Thanks for your comment. I replied in detail on the same thread on my comments page (which is what I will usually do.)
from minstrelite :
Wow - that might be the best d-land entry I've ever read! I'm glad I found you. You were there for him, totally, when he needed you. He fucking needs you girl - go with it. It's more powerful to love than to be loved.
from minstrelite :
Nice to have you as a friend. You're a really interesting person: analytical, vibrant, lyrical.
from shanmeid :
Don't blame yourself. You know it's not true. N chose you because he does love you. It just proves how we're all human and if only we could all have superhuman strength. We all have weaknesses, all so different but still weak all the same. All you can do is be there for him in the best way you can. He just needs to keep taking his meds and he'll start to gain perspective. How are his parents supporting him at the moment? Can he talk to them? He should speak to as many people he loves and trusts and not try to bear the burden on his own. About the night time... it does the same thing to me. My mind goes into overdrive and it won't shut off. Sometimes the only thing to do is take something strong and pray that it knocks me out so I can get up in the morning and function in real life. Take care <3
from minstrelite :
I'd really rather send it to your email again. I just changed it, because there is someone whom I really don't want reading my diary right now, as I am reacting really negatively to things that she is saying to me. I don't want her going out looking for me. It's a sensitive issue.
from ub40 :
Gosh. Saw your ...What do you call it?...Thing at the top of the page, talking of wanting to die. Heart breaking altogether. Are you certain that dead is better?? I often worry this question myself...Maybe it's my seed of doubt.......and has no need to be yours. Hugs and stuff
from minstrelite :
I sent you the user/pass several days ago to yout hotmail. deadpassive@hotmail.com? I'll re-send it I guess...
from ethereal-red :
You are right-- 14 year olds have no business drinking. And the way she treats you is HORRIBLE!
from xxplaydeadxx :
How often does she do that shit? She's really heartless for doing that. She's 14, and 14 year olds have no business drinking. =/ I'm sorry she's so shitty to you. :( I do hope that one day she realizes that she's extremely wrong to treat you this way. And I think you're right to say you won't put up with it anymore. You don't deserve that shit.
from hiijayxx :
Until you do not feel the need to hurt yourself anymore : - )
from hiijayxx :
Hi, I used to hurt myself as well and found a new way of doing it that is even good for me: sports. Especially swimming and endurance sports is good for the mind as well. And it gives you a nice dose of pain if you do it right.
from ethereal-red :
I was terrified when my doctor thought I might have pre-diabetes (the stage before type 2 diabetes sets in). I was very relieved when my blood sugars came back normal. I hope your blood sugars come back normal, too!
from xxplaydeadxx :
Sorry it took so long to reply. The internet was shitty, it wouldn't let me leave you a note. But we got a new kind, so yay! I'm really confused. What happened last night? :( Are you ok? Is there any way I can make you feel better? :( Yeah, I don't know exactly what it means to have like a psychotic breakdown or whatever. I know quite a bit about mental illnesses, but that stuff's always confused me. Like schizophrenia. I hear voices, and see things. I've seen one of the girls in my head. The mean one, Miranda. I see all kinds of weird shit. Dead bodies, animals. Yeah, I tell the doctors pretty much everything. I trust them both, their really good. They seem to actually care. And they're funny, pretty laid back, so that helps. Not all like straightface nonstop way serious don't wanna actually say anything. Whoawhoawhoa you were in love with a girl?! When, tell me about it, pleaseeee. I hope you're ok. With the weight gain and everything. Haley has a thyroid problem too. I hope it's nothing serious. :( I love you soooo much.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I know that...I don't know what exactly I am. I hear voices and see things when I don't take my seroquel. Lochia told me I have borderline personality disorder, I've read about that before. I think it said mild schizophrenia...what happened? Do you know why you freaked out? :(
from illusionless :
Yes, your mom does have the right to her opinion, but if it's going to put you in the middle and upset you then I think she should keep it to herself out of respect for you and your decision to be with him, especially since you both have been together for so long you'd think she'd get over it. I'm sorry you were put in the middle that's not cool. I'm proud of you for confronting her about it and telling her how you feel. That must have made you feel better. I hope she eventually comes around to respect your wishes.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I didn't have a computer. I was living at my mom's...I'm really confused. I haven't gotten to read much of anyone's diaries. I read a little of yours. Something about a possible divorce? But you've decided against it. I'm glad you're going to stay together. How come your parents don't like N? :( I'm sorry. It's really shitty for her and N to put you in the middle like that. I know how that feels. it isn't fair. They should have more respect for you. :( Sorry I made you worry. I really really really wanted to update, I just didn't have a way to. I love you. Can you try to update me on mainly what's been going on? It's gonna be hard to read six months' worth of diaries. >.<
from illusionless :
Ouch! What N said was just plain cruel! He could have been nicer about it and voiced what he really wanted. Maybe he wanted to have some one on one brother time or something. You should tell him how he made you feel.
from ethereal-red :
Perhaps, in the long run, this divorce is for the best. I know you love him so much, that is very obvious. I am sorry you guys were not able to work something out. Could you both still be friends? Could you still talk to N's mom? I know you are close to her.
from illusionless :
I'm sorry that you and N might get a divorce and are seperating from the relationship for the time being. I hope you guys can work things out. I can tell how much you love him.
from ethereal-red :
Oh Enurta, I am so sorry about you and N possibly getting a divorce. I hope it doesn't come to that.
from ethereal-red :
I understand how you feel. Being overweight when you have an ED really, really sucks. I am working so hard to lose weight the healthy way and it's just going so slowly. At least I've stopped gaining weight. That was a nightmare... to continuously get bigger and bigger every day. I gained all my extra weight over a period of two years. I hope I won't have to wait that long to lose all of it!
from ethereal-red :
I hope N is okay and that it is not bowel cancer.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for commenting! :) I am on a strict weight-loss meal plan designed by my ex-dietician. I no longer see her simply because she got promoted so many times that her boss won't let her see extra clients. She only sees hospital clients now. Anyway, I follow that meal plan every day. It gives me structure, so I'm not just following some fad diet like Atkins or South Beach or anything like that. And I need structure. So, yes, I'm dieting-- but I'm following the structure of a dietician-prescribed meal plan, so I won't go overboard and end up restricting. I am really overweight now thanks to medication, a slow metabolism and several straight months of binging behavior a couple of years ago. I need to lose 75 lbs to be at a normal, healthy weight for my body. So that's why I am dieting, to get healthy. If I were at a healthy weight, I would not be trying to get smaller... anorexia is not for me anymore. It shattered my life and I am still trying to put the pieces back together! No way do I want to go back to that. I still struggle a ton with ED thoughts and urges, but am managing to control them okay with lots of help from my therapist and support from friends/family.
from ethereal-red :
I have a new blog-- well, it's not new anymore, I've had it for a bit now (a month and a half, maybe?). It was private for awhile, but it's public now. The URL is www.etherealred.blogspot.com, you are welcome to read it. :)
from illusionless :
I'm sorry that you can't have the EMDR treatment. What a stupid doctor! Maybe your psychologist can try convincing the doctor or maybe there are other treatment options out there. I too wish you could get adequate mental health treatment.
from ethereal-red :
I can't believe that. Those are the most lame excuses I have ever heard. I wish you could get adequate and good mental health treatment!
from anni05 :
lol its ok. its crimson/tears. and im sorry about the not being able to do the treatment. it's ridiculous to say that you're too sick for that. they can at least try, in my opinion. xx
from ethereal-red :
I am so sorry you are not being allowed to do EMDR. EMDR has been very helpful to a friend of mine. I wish the doctor would let you do it. I mean... there's nothing to lose by trying, right?
from anni05 :
if you dont already know the song, you should look up "pet" by a perfect circle. and listen closely to the lyrics. it always reminds me of you when i listen to it.
from roamany :
I know it's hard to believe, but everything really will be ok someday. I love you dearly, and I wish I could make things better for you. <3
from stellarrobot :
Re: Brothers and Sisters. I have no idea what season I am watching, but I think possibly the 3rd. Watch from the start otherwise some stuff won't make much sense.
from aryssa90 :
Thank you for thanking me. :)
from ethereal-red :
Sure! It's http://ethereal-red.blogspot.com and it's public now so you won't need to sign in to read or comment. :)
from ethereal-red :
"Out of body experiences" are called dissociating... it's common among people who have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I dissociate, it used to happen a lot, and I don't even have DID. Lucky for me (note the sarcasm there) it's also common in people with Borderline Personality Disorder, which I have. Dissociating kind of scares me once I snap out of it. It's like I'm watching myself, as if what was happening was a movie or something. Freaky. I hate dissociating, I tend to do it most when I compulsively eat in the middle of the night, and also when I have flashbacks. I want to let you know that you aren't alone in this! Also, I've been reading your diary faithfully, but haven't been commenting... I'll try to do better with the commenting.
from luxelady :
I hope you have a lovely holiday, my dear. xx luxe
from for-you-only :
Merry X-mas and Happy New Year!
from illusionless :
You don't deserve how your sister treats you. I'm sorry she is being so mean. I've never seen you, but I doubt it's true what she says. I don't believe it. On another note I found a cool anime site you may be interested in. It's called justdubs.net. Check it out. It has all kinds of good anime.
from illusionless :
A medical passport is what Humber college calls the little card they give you to show that you have all your immunizations. It is a requirement for any student going into field placement there.
from illusionless :
I am sorry that things are so bad and that N said that to you. I hope things get better. I don't know what else to say since I've never been in your situation, but I can't imagine hearing that. Best of luck. I'm thinking of you.
from mommy0609 :
That is really awesome! I am really happy for you. Get ahold of me if you need anything sweetie.
from illusionless :
Good for you for not purging for 3 days! I'm proud of you. Keep up the good work. You are stronger then those voices in your head. I believe in you.
from anni05 :
i have my fingers crossed for you... i hope everything turns out all right for you and N. <333
from illusionless :
I second the statement below.
from ethereal-red :
If Annah couldn't deal with the information... then she shouldn't have asked.
from ethereal-red :
I am sorry V took over again. That must have been frightening. I am so thankful I do not have dissociative identity disorder, and I'm thankful I am not schizophrenic as well. Enurta, know that it is NOT your fault that V took over. You don't have the skills to be able to stop him from doing so right now, and it doesn't help that your therapists keep getting sick and leaving you! I'm sorry Jessica is only working part-time now and cannot see you as often as you need to be seen. I wish I could move you to the United States and have you see my friend's therapist (my friend also has Dissociative Identity Disorder and sees an excellent specialist) weekly.
from roamany :
It's green machine. I've really missed you :( Things here are a lot better, although my last entry is a rant cause my boyfriends mother is a psycho idiot. Anyhow, I LOVE YOU and it's so good to hear from you again :D hugs n' kisses
from emptyclosure :
:D yay, lol i didnt think anyone would remember me or miss me or anything lol but its good to be back. :)♥
from emptyclosure :
hey yess haha i was previously cultofluna i thought i'd give dland another shot im not sure if you remember me though lol its been a long while since i've been back anyways how've you been?:)
from ethereal-red :
Enurta, good for you. I think it's wonderful that you are going to take control over V instead of him taking control over you. He is an evil, nasty personality, and always has been. You, on the other hand, are beautiful and sweet and kind.
from anni05 :
Good for you!! <3<3
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'ma write you a letter! I found the letter you sent me forever ago, so I have you address. :)
from kawaiinoir :
Yupper. I love Chobits, both manga and anime. It's the only made-for-chicks manga that doesn't suck (at least my TokyoPop). But then, I haven't been into manga for ages. Thanks. ;D
from shanmeid :
Hey chicken :) check ur mail
from illusionless :
I'm so sorry about the aftermath about the incident at the mall. Life is so unfair. All I can say is as long as you know that you are right about what happened then that's all that matters. Let the police investigate and if nothing comes up then try to believe that he will get what he deserves in the future.
from illusionless :
Good for you! I'm so proud of you for not letting that ass walk all over you! I hope he gets fired for his behaviour.
from ethereal-red :
That Subway boss was terrible. You do not deserve to be treated that way! I am glad you are fighting back!
from ethereal-red :
I am sorry your sister is b/p-ing and is an attention whore. She makes the rest of us who have BPD look bad. Not all of us are attention-seeking.
from illusionless :
I watched some Chobits episodes. They're pretty good hehe. Thanks for the recommendations.
from illusionless :
Thanks for the site. I'll check it out! :)
from ethereal-red :
I am so sorry that the voices ruined your good day with N. I hate how they drive you insane and make you miserable. And Jessica better come back, that would be absolutely terrible if she didn't.
from illusionless :
Congrats on your four year anniversary! Cheers to many more to come.
from luxelady :
congratulations, hun!! four years!! wow. here's to many many more...
from thatgirlx :
Hey, this is Danielle's friend...Happy Anniversary!
from ethereal-red :
Happy anniversaty Enurta. :)
from anni05 :
6 days is a HUGE accomplishment! dont give up on yourself. you're doing great. and that was a good thing to tell your sister what your mom was planning. maybe there is some way you guys can stop her from making her go to kuwait. i really hope everything turns out fine for both of you.
from ethereal-red :
Hi, I haven't commented in awhile but I read every one of your posts. I used to binge to fill the hole, the emptiness, inside of me with food. Eventually I realized that it didn't fill the hole, I was spending too much money, and I was getting fat. So I stopped binging. It took awhile to totally stop, a few months probably, but I haven't binged in about a year, and I haven't purged in a year and a half. And I firmly believe you can stop the binging and stop the purging. You can do it. I think you're gonna need some help, though, because it's terribly difficult to do it alone.
from luxelady :
hey hun i just wanted to send you (((hugs)))
from xxplaydeadxx :
*squeals* I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!! =D
from ethereal-red :
I am so proud of you for not binging or purging for three days! And not smoking, too. All of those things are huge accomplishments. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
Oh, and I'm not going to starve. Or throw up. I'm not allowing that anymore. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
I don't really see people with eating disorders giving advice like that as being a hypocrite. It's not that you're a hypocrite, it's just that you're sick.And it's not even really a choice, despite what a lot of morons say. The problem is that there's VERY RARELY any healthy foods here. :( BUT, when I move, Mildred will cook, we won't even have to have our own food, probably. So I won't be able to binge, or not eat.Same for my dad. She won't let us get away with it. :) But that also gets a :(, because I won't completely like the fact that there are two people that KNOW about the eating disorder, and one that might not, but just won't let me get away with not eating. Well, it's not like I'll have to eat all that she cooks. I wish I could be there too. Or you be here. It'd be so nice for me to be there. I bet I could help you. To not binge, puke, or just not eat...Or I would try my hardest. I love you. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
You do realize you can't fast for the rest of your life, right? And as soon as you stop, you going to just gain the weight back. If you want to lose weight and not gain it back, I guess you'll just have to eat healthy foods and exercise...Are you actually overweight? I think you said you are...but I don't know how much you've lost since then. How much, if you are?
from xxplaydeadxx :
I tried to quit smoking and couldn't make it for like three or four hours. So I think you didn't really good. It takes most people a shitload of tries to be able to finally quit. So don't beat yourself up for it. So N was right. It's an accomplishment...And just keep trying to not b/p. I love you, and I have complete faith in you. =] As for the voices, I would love to take them out of your head, make them real people, like body wise, and KILL them. I makes sense, but also zero sense that V would want you to kill yourself. He wants nothing good for you, but if YOU die, HE dies....Have you read the book Skinny? In it, the chick tries to get the voice to go away, and she [voice] says "I die when you die." I just don't understand that shit...Ok,I'ma go now. I love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Nononononononono! It's not ok, fair, or anything like that for him to cheat/want to cheat on you because you got overpowered by V. Wanting to do something to get someone back is childish. Well, wanting to isn't too bad, but doing it is. It'd be really low of him. And I hope if he does do it, he feels like scum. You feel terrible and YOU didn't even do it. It'd be all him. He can't say V took HIM over...I'm very proud of you for not smoking or b/p-ing. :) *hugs* I love you.
from ethereal-red :
Sweetie, everybody has their own timeline. I was diagnosed and began therapy almost nine years ago. You just recently were diagnosed and began therapy. That makes a big difference.
from ethereal-red :
I say you should stop binging (I know it's hard to do that, I've been there...), and definetly stop trying to purge. You will literally only give yourself a heart attack if you keep pushing your body to purge like that.
from lawliiet :
Yes maam, it is indeed from Death Note. ^^ And thank you for adding me as well. Though you were probably only being polite, Its still an honor. :)
from ethereal-red :
You should not have to take responsibility for his things! He is a grown adult who should be more responsible.
from xxplaydeadxx :
You are not a selfish bitch,and you don't try to make him look bad. Most of the damn time you'retalking about how much you love and appreciate him. don't let his bullshit get to you, please. She's your friend,and like you said, you've not bitched when that guy stayed there before. Urgh, he really frustrates me.... Thank you for that note. :) Love you too.
from ethereal-red :
Even if you didn't ask him about Anya, he still shouldn't have called you a selfish bitch.
from ethereal-red :
I'm sorry N is being such an ass. That's not fair to you! You are not a selfish bitch... he shouldn't call you that.
from ethereal-red :
No, I did not change my profile. And it's okay. Don't worry about it. :)
from ethereal-red :
I am proud of you for talking back to V instead of letting him dominate. Keep it up! And you are so not a loser, enurta. You're a winner in my eyes.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm so glad you talked to him and it worked! Are you gonna try to do that more often?
from illusionless :
Congrats on talking to V and having Jessica as such a great resource in your life. you were meant to find her now and I don't think she's going anywhere.
from illusionless :
LOL I meant space ship! not space shit HAHAAHA!!! ooops!
from illusionless :
Thanks for the tips! I liked Aeon Flux too. There are plenty of anime I want to see and plenty I want to rewatch in my collection once I burn the VHS' to DVD format lol! I'll keep those titles in mind. Here are some I can recommend it to you: for psycho thriller try Perfect Blue. For gory vampires try Blood The Last Vampire. For space shit shi-fi with some romance intertwined try Martian Successor Nadesico (love the theme song for it) or Battle Angel also Armitage the III, another good Title is Iria Zeiram if you like tales of family drama and bounty hunters. Haha Thanks for the titles I'll look those up. If you want more I have plenty of anime references dating back to even the old 70-80's retro style lol!
from xxplaydeadxx :
Yeah, I wanted that one, but I found the one I want, thought it'd look cool on the wrist. That one your friend is the same one Ville Valo and Bam Margera has. Same place. It's so cool...Goddamn monster is the biggest asshole ever. What the fuck is his problem?!
from xxplaydeadxx :
well that's weird. :) The picture of the tattoo on a person I found was on her back, and I didn't think that's a very good place for it. I've always wanted something on my wrist, and I thought that was perfect, especially since I've been dying to get a heartagram tattoo for like four years now. :)......Alright now. You CAN stop the bulimia. And you don't need to lie to Jessica...ok? Please, don't do this. Please try. Please? I love you and I'm so tired of you hurting. I wish I could just fly over there and steal you away, go get the others, and bring you here. And that me and Haley had a place to live, soyou could all be with me, and I cuold take care of you. One day, maybe that can actually happen. Maybe I can kidnap you. :P even better, maybe you'll come willingly. I loveyou.
from ethereal-red :
Babe, it is SO possible for the bulimia to get better! Don't give up on yourself. I'm glad you can trust us diaryland friends.
from illusionless :
Meds don't seem to agree with me. One med (I forget the name of it) made me sicker then a dog. One night was all I could take of that stuff! Then I was on Celexa which made me sleep 24/7 Effexor has worked the best out of all of them I find. It did make my depression lift and suicidal thoughts lessen in frequency, but I hated the side-effects! So I'm kind of sceptical of meds now from these past experiences.
from illusionless :
I gradually weaned myself off of the Effexor because I found the side-effects too much to handle. I was tired all the time, couldn't concentrate, and just overall I didn't feel I functioned well at all. After awhile I found the side-effects bothered me more then the depression itself, so I kept asking my doctor if I could go off them and she kept saying no, when she finally agreed she ended up assigning me the same prescription dosage as before. I was pissed off and frustrated so I thought 'fuck it!' I'm taking control myself since no one else will listen to me! I don't know if I want to try other medications. I think I'll just stick to counseling for the time being.
from kanyooceemee :
He illegally cashed checks for someone knowing that they weren't being used for what the person writing the checks thought they were for. A very bad thing on his part and I am pretty upset with him but after a couple times he tried to stop and the guy that he was doing it for threatened him and us and our girls, I didn't know that. Thank you for your prayers.. I think things are starting to look up, it will be hard still but I am hopeful.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Yeah...it's extremely important. I've gained that much too. But I know a lot of that has to be all the fast food I had no real choice about eating, and the fact that I went from eating nothing/throwing up to eating normally/too much. >.<
from illusionless :
I know and knew back then too that I was too sick to do placement and be in school. It showed in everything I did and how irresponsible I was. I still feel too sick to work right now in the sense that I don't feel strong enough yet to take on the big things. I need to focus on the small things and work my way up or else I will become stressed and be worse like I was before. I'm sure you could tell how sick I was in my old diary. Even I see it! It felt horrible. I sometimes still question how I survive this. Thank you for your continued support.
from illusionless :
Thank you for your kind notes and being there for me through this tough time. I know you will make it as well! You are strong and will get through the ED and your illnesses. You will manage because you are a strong person! With lots of love for others. You are special never forget that!
from xxplaydeadxx :
Yeah. It's annoying b/c we've been together for almost two years, and it's all been so crazy/annoying. Like with adults and shit...I know, it was a crazy dream! But I like the fact that in it I was able to get monster to leave 'you' alone. :) Hm. Do they all know about the eating disorders you have?? :( You have a problem. It's not rude to have a problem. I've done the same thing. I always feel worse when I throw up somewhere other than 'home', so I know how you feel. :( So, what are the friends fighting about? I know it's something to do with you, but is it like...they're both wanting the other one to leave you alone,or what? Love you! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
No, we don't live together yet. Hopefully we will soon. She turns 18 July 31. I have no idea when we'll actually be able to move in together though. She said she's gonna start looking for apartments. I still can't drive and don't have a job or anything yet though. >.< Yep yep. I will be there as soon as I can be. :D When I get a job and we have a place to live, I'll save up whatever I can whenever I can and go see you. :) Damn right we'll have fun. =D Um...I had this really fucking weird dream last night. I'm not sure where we were. I was with you, only we weren't actually together at the moment, like you were off doing something. You had a cell phone and left it behind so I had it, and monster like texted you and he was getting mad and was going to come find you if you didn't answer him, so I tried to say things like you would, and I was scared because I thoguht I was gonna get you in trouble. But I eventually got rid of him, and it was all good. Then you came back and we went shopping and stuff, and it was fun. =D I love you too.
from ethereal-red :
You aren't like the others. You may be schizophrenic like them, but you are not them. You are your own person, one who is not doomed to die like that. I believe that people make their own destinies... your destiny can be whatever you want it to be. I moved to Blogger because it has more, and better, features than diaryland. I keep up with my d-land friends, though, including you, so I can keep up with your lives. :)
from luxelady :
you are NOT your family members - you are you and you will write your own story. thanks for your sweet note - we will figure out a way to take control!! ps - keep an eye on your mailbox ;-)
from xxplaydeadxx :
That does explain a lot, huh? But it doesn't have to be that way for you. You can keep fighting.I know it's hard. I know. But ya gotta just keep going. Because, despite what those stupid fucking voices say, there IS a place for you. And ya wanna meet me, don'tcha? Yep. You do. :) And it's gonna happen, asap. :) I promise you that. I'm terrified of flying. I never have. Promised myself I never would, if I could avoid it. Now, I could avoid it and just not go, but that just doesn't make any sense to me at all. I might even kidnap you. :P Actually, I'm not joking...I love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Oh, ok. I thought that maybe you were mad at me or something.=S But I'm glad to know you aren't. :) Sorry you haven't been feeling well. :( *hugs* I know you love me, and I love you SOOOO much. :)
from ethereal-red :
Hi, yes, you need an invite now. I will send you one to your deadpassive account, okay? Look for a Blogger invite.
from bamstroker :
i really can't convey to you what your support means to me. my d-land friends either moved on or disappeared within the last year; i think you're the only one reading at the moment, which is a good thing because i'm pouring my heart out and am feeling so embarrassed and secretive about my ED. i'm too scared to confide in anyone- i'm more honest in this diary than anywhere else. that you actually take the time to read it, and in addition to that you're SO supportive and caring, seriously means the world to me. thank you, thank you. *hugs* i have been thinking about what you said. i might try out therapy again, since i feel like this is spiraling out of control. i had NO idea this would happen when i was first trying to purge. i heard the warnings over and over about how it's addictive and i brushed them off. i feel so stupid now and wish i could take it back. i'll just keep trying and really think about therapy as a first step to getting over this. and you can email me too anytime about anything- to chat, rant, whatever, i'm always here to listen. as for your dad- the things he says to you are horrible. you're his child, he should cherish you. you deserve the utmost respect from everybody, especially your family. i'm sorry, but considering the way he behaves, he does not deserve you. you're not pathetic for wanting him to love you- of course you want that, he's your father. i'm just sorry you can't get that from him. you still have love and support from other people in your life, so hold on to that and remember it's there. you're not fat- you're beautiful and the good people in your life can see that. i hope you can too, and forget about what monster says- he's just lying to hurt you, his words don't mean anything. *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
Your dad's an ass. Like Danielle said, women are supposed to have curves and breasts... I, too, think that your dad does not deserve your love. All the gold and diamonds in the world won't make up for what he did, and still does, to you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Fucking bastard....He has no right to say anything like that. It's fucking bullshit. Women are supposed to have curves, not be sticks. We're supposed to have boobs [not the size of mine though. >.<] and asses. But don't stuff your face just to spite him. And please don't let him get to you. Fuck what he says. He's a fucked up piece of shit, really. I know you love him to an extent or whatever, but he really doesn't deserve your love...
from ethereal-red :
Oh My God. Your dad SAID THAT?! What a bastard! I hate him even more now. You're not fat, Enurta, not by far, and he had no right to say such a mean, hurtful thing.
from xxplaydeadxx :
It's a scary thought. No one really knows what happens when you die. I've been thinking about it so much lately. That's one reason why I decided to try to quit smoking. DOn't want anything to speed the process. I love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Just try. Keep trying. I know you can do it. You stopped for a long time. You can do it again.
from bamstroker :
hey. i'm not in therapy currently, and i've lost touch with friends who have gone off to college, so i don't really have anyone to talk to. i'm 20. i'm under my dad's insurance, so he'd have to know if i went to the ER 'cause he's the only one who could pay (even with insurance, one ER visit is easily over a thousand dollars.) if i need to, i'll go see my regular doctor, and then i can probably make something up if he needs to know. i'm feeling okay, though, so hopefully that's not necessary. i'm trying to forget that it happened. :/ i'm sorry you had a bad experience at the hospital. :( good luck with your appointment. i hope it goes well, i'll be thinking of you. *hugs*
from illusionless :
I'm glad that N is going to get help. Good luck to you both.
from anni05 :
im so happy you're back, and things are all worked out with you and N... i was a bit worried.
from hadassah :
Honey, I'm so sorry. I have gone through similiar and I know how painful it is. Keep your chin up. You deserve so much better.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm so glad he's going to get help!!! Did the hospital help you at all? I love you.
from illusionless :
I'm praying for you. I'm glad you will be in hospital where you will be safe and get appropriate help. N is being a terrible husband! I wish you luck and lots of love and support from this girl here in Canada! :)
from ethereal-red :
Hang in there... I'm glad you are getting the help you need. I'll miss you!
from anni05 :
best of luck to you. and i'll miss you. :) xxxx
from xxplaydeadxx :
I have seen the scariest things ever when I close my eyes and hear them even with my eyes open. That stopped a while ago. Maybe around a year or so...I don't believe it's demons though. It's just schizophrenia...
from ethereal-red :
It's probably not demons. You're schizophrenic, you hear voices. It's a chemical problem in your brain, not demons.
from xeison :
i cant say for sure whether i have Disassociative Identity Disorder. When i had read the symptoms a long time ago, i seem pretty consistant with it, given that i have alters that take over me too, amongst other things. i have written about them sometimes in my diary when i write about me. i had read somewhere that the therapy for DID is to try and integrate all the alters into one, but if you think about it, how would they even try doing that, because it is literally a split in the mind. How do you fix a split in something that is intangible? The mind is split, but what is the mind? im still trying to find the answer to that question, though i doubt ll be able to find it when so many brilliant people have been looking and have not been able to do so. Schizophrenia is tough to deal with treatmentwise. It sounds like that is what the treatment is supposed to be, though usually in therapy they are supposed to help you deal with what might be underlying the schizophrenia, because schizophrenia tends to get better as environmental stresseors decrease.
from ethereal-red :
Amber is an idiot, don't listen to her. I'm glad you're blocking her IP address! You're right, she doesn't understand your situation.
from xeison :
Thank you for telling me. i guess then somehow we either have to figure out how to stop it before it happens or figure out how to make you regain consciousness. im not really sure how to do either though, and i think what they usually currently do is try to integrate the seperate alters into one. May i ask what they have been doing to try and treat you?
from shanmeid :
Hey :) Love u!
from xxplaydeadxx :
Fuck that stupid cunt. She's a fucking idiot. Doesn't know what she's talking about. But N doesn't need to threaten divorce...I understand him being really upset/mad/whatever...but divorce? No. He doesn't want that, and you really don't. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that people are so fucking stupid, and that you have a hard time with everything being so fucked up and whatever. I'm sorry. I love you so much.
from neeeeek :
Hey, maybe all you need is some time off.. you know so that both of you can separately from each other talk with their friends and relax a bit. Then you can return and work things out together. Just try to take things easy, maybe. You can do it - even yourself, can't you? When marriage becomes hell, people should become divorced I guess (am too young for such experience). Well, good luck in either way. Always remember, you can also do it alone. Maybe you can save the marriage.
from xxplaydeadxx :
You told me you don't care about your weight....I'm at least 70-80lbs more than you.
from ethereal-red :
That was incredibly rude of your your mother to comment on your weight. I know what you mean about being overweight. I'm 170-something right now. Yuck. I'm working on losing the weight, though. It's just going so slowly.
from illusionless :
Thank you.
from luxelady :
thanks for your support babe - it means so much...
from for--you :
ha, i'm so clever. :P user/pw is user/pw. =D
from xxplaydeadxx :
Thank you. It makes me feel good to know you think that about me. *blushes*I'm so glad you don't care about your weight. Because, well, you're a normal weight, right?Or maybe a little less? You're really beautiful, *****. (hee hee, you have a new name.:P) You are. I hope you see that. Like a lot of times I've just like stared at the pic you sent me and think "aaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". =D I loveses you!
from xxplaydeadxx :
I would take care of you if I could. And V is NOT you. He's not. If that's true then I am Miranda. And you don't think I'm an evil, manipulative, lying bitch do you? Because that's what she is. Get your medicine switched. You can NOT help that you have this disorder. I don't believe in god, but if he's real, then he doesn't hate you. I don't know why you have this stuff, but it's not your fault. Ok? And you are NOT a bad person. You're NOT. I love you.
from illusionless :
whoops I mean maybe ask your about Canadas system incase she knows. She might...
from illusionless :
hmm maybe ask your psych to explain it to you? I am not sure. In the end it doesn't matter really. All that matters is that you are benefitting from the treatment you are recieving.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Linda went out one night and did crack.Stole my money. Um. Next day she popped a shitload of pills and when I tried to get them from her we got in a fight. She pushed me up against the wall, we hit each other, blah blah. So Jesse called the cops. Jim got her out, but she got put back in b/c that was a violation of probation. She should be able to get out like either tuesday or the 20th. She and I go to court tuesday. And she has to be there with Jesse about trying to get my brother out of state's custody. I really hope he gets to go back. He misses us. ='( He finally agreed about amonth ago to get help for his anger/mood swings and the meds have just made him depressed. I'm worried about him. The foster family is really nice but he's over 100 miles away. At least he can get on a computer and talk to me on myspace. That's good........Um. Haley. I don't really know. I'm so shocked. I'm going to try my hardest to not let this shit happen again. She...I don't know. She said she's in love with me. And that's she's been thinking about this for quite awhile. I hope she's telling the truth. I don't see why she'd be with me for no reason. But I'm not sure about anything. All I know is that I'm completely in love with her and it was nice to not cry myself to sleep from hurting. I finally fell asleep happy. I cried so much yesterday. First from really bad stuff, then from extreme happiness. I'm just like...up in the fucking clouds. I don't know what's going to happen. I've only asked a few questions. I'll ask more when the time is right.And it's just not right. But I soon as I find out I'll tell you everything, if you want. I love you. And I'm glad you had fun! =)
from for-you-only :
Death Note is my favorite anime (show in general) of all time actually. --- As I said, not eating sugar makes such a big difference, but it's really hard because it's in practically everything. (I read the label of everything I eat with no exceptions.) But it's so much easier to read labels than it is to count calories, and worry about weight gain, to suffer with health side effects. With the things I know I can eat, I also know I can eat as much of them as I want and never worry. It's easier and easier after the first week. The first week is hard, because at first you don't know what there is left out there to eat! LOL.
from illusionless :
oh also therapist can also be used as a blanket term for seeing someone to talk to in that type of field. That is probably what you were referring too when you thought they were the same thing. Yeah English can be confusing at times. :)
from illusionless :
Well in Canada universal health care = less frequent visits. Phsychiatrists are free, but in high demand, so once a month is pretty much the most recent timeframe you can see one here after the long 6 month waiting lists. Therapists are counselors who basically don't have as high a medical background. For example psychiatrists are doctors first and counselors second, where with therapists they are counselors first. I think they can still diagnose similar to a psychologist but don't quote me... Therapists you have to pay but can see more frequently maybe even weekly like you do your psychiatrist. Hope that helps.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I could only stay probably 4 days in a psyche ward. Angel sliced herself up really bad and had been eating xanax's like crazy for days and was suicidal and they only kept her 4 days. My mom actually tried to kill herself and they kept her 3. That's really why I don't want to go to one. >.< Linda is in jail. Um. I've been living with Amanda for like 2 weeks. Brother= foster home. Angel = new friend.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I've looked at some that take anyone at any size if they really need the help. But of course I won't. I didn't think it'd happen, I just think it'd help. But whatever. How are you and N doing now? I love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I know. I'm trying to think of some fucking way to get some control. I just can't do it, dammit. Really theonly thing I can think of is a hospital. Not a mental institution, but an ED one. Because that's a big thing right now. Even if I'm not always doing the stuff, the feelings, thoughts, are always right there. And it's driving me crazy and it's the thing that makes me feel safe and in control. But, thinking logically, I know it's the complete opposite. It's putting me in even more danger, and taking even more control away from me.So I don't know what to do...I'm glad you're ok. And that you want me to be ok too. AND that you believe in me. That's the 2nd biggest thing. (1st is that you are ok.) I loveyou. It's so good that you guys had enough money this month. =D I hope it keeps giong that way. How's the not smoking thing going? I love you. Looooooooooooooooooooooooove you!
from illusionless :
No I don't have an official diagnosis. Some psychs have either hinted depression and/or bpd but I don't think anything is officially on paper. I might look for a therapist here rather then a psych since I have had nothing but bad experiences with them... plus I'd rather pay for someone good close to me then get a free medical person who sucks balls plus I think you can see therapists more often. A good thing I've noticed is that talking to someone often helps me sort things out and overall I function better. Thank you for your words. What makes you think I need help just out fo curiousity I wonder what people see in my writing that I might not just to get a different perspective. In your opinion what do you think I suffer from? I won't take it seriously it's just an interesting question I think. I hope you are doing ok. Lots of love and support from all the way here in Canada! :) *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
Hi... I have a friend/accquaintance with Dissociative Identity Disorder. She has four or five different personalities, and switches at least once a day. Her personalities appeared because of abuse, too. We don't really hang out, but I used to live with her in a group home and I see her occasionally. I can't imagine how difficult your and her lives must be.
from for-you-only :
Hi, I left you a ton of comments. Hope you read them all, and I hope they help. Hope we talk in the future. ~Phoenix (username: read password: me)
from xxplaydeadxx :
he's a dickhead...I felt the same way yesterday. I kept trying to figure out how I felt and what I wanted to do and I felt nothing at all...=S I'm sorry, *****. I love you so much.
from ethereal-red :
Enjoy your new hamster! :)
from ethereal-red :
You're eating more because you're used to having a cigarette in your mouth frequently. Try chewing really, really minty gum or sucking on sugar free candy. Or you could brush your teeth a lot.
from ethereal-red :
I'm so sorry about Sanna. Losing a pet is terrible... even those little hamsters capture our hearts.
from ethereal-red :
Please don't kill yourself. You mean so much to so many people.
from atwowaydream :
i love your entries, your heartache, your struggle and your strength. from someone suffering to another-- I wish you the best.
from illusionless :
Your psychiatrist sounds like a smart lady! I'm glad that you know what your illnesses are finally. Now you can focus on the right treatment and eventually you will be able to live life ok. I know you will. Stay strong hun!
from ethereal-red :
I'm glad you finally found out what your illnesses are. I know somebody with dissociative identity disorder... she gets through life okay. :)
from anni05 :
thank you :) you might have read it in my diary already, but he doesnt feel the same. im cool with it, im just trying to forget about it right now. i already knew he didnt, but i just thought he had to know. he thought things wouldnt be the same anymore, and so did i, but it didnt turn out that way, thankfully. at least he's being nice about it though.
from roamany :
As far as the drug thing, I write more in my 43 things account now. Feel free to poke around :) http://www.43things.com/person/madras LoVe YoU
from roamany :
She's a spoiled fucking brat and she deserved it. Actually, I'm really proud of you; you did what everyone has been wanting to. When I was her age I got a couple of ass whoopings that I truly deserved, and I'm the better for it. She just said those things to upset you, and I know she'll forget about it soon enough. I love you :) - m
from anni05 :
your sister sounds like a nightmare :O and i can't believe she would say that you are a whore with the way that she goes around. i dont blame you for kicking her, i personally think that she deserved it... but maybe im just immature. who knows. by the way, i told ian that i loved him this morning, in an email. im just waiting to see if he will respond. :) im very proud of myself.
from ethereal-red :
I'm glad you're not pregnant. That would have been a huge burden on you, to have to make that decision between abortion and having a sick baby. You'd be a good mom, just that now is not the time.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm glad you're not pregnant. You'd be a wonderful mommy but...I don't know. Maybe one day you'll be ok enough to have a child. Or you could adopt. That's better, in my opinion. There are too many kids that are stuck in hell holes that need love and protection...Your note made me cry. I can't believe you love me that much...I'm going to meet you. I'm going to fly to you and steal you! =) I love you so much. I just want you to live with me and we can all take care of each other....(and of course I would steal N and your pets too.) I'm probably not going to die. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. Worry about taking care of yourself. Ok? Ok. I love you.
from illusionless :
No problem! Thank you for your note. You are not a bad person at all. You were honest with N and you should give yourself credit. You can't just stop it's an addiction, but you want to and are trying your best and that should be commended. You don't deserve to be beaten or anything. No one does! Never say that! You are beautiful and strong and you will get through this! I love you. Hehe spongecake I love that!
from anni05 :
:(:( you are not a bad person at all, you are a very good person. and if it turns out that you are pregnant, it will be sad that you have to get an abortion, but i will completely support you. i know it is hard to make such a huge decision like that. but please keep believing in yourself because you've made it so far, you're a very strong woman and im proud of you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm proud of you. Just keep trying to stop purging. I love you.
from miedema2002 :
That is wonderful that you have so many supportive people in your life. I agree you are sounding much better since I started reading your diary. I notice it. You are an amazing person.
from miedema2002 :
Hi again. I just wanted to comment on how brave you are leaving an abusive home and starting a new life. How did you get the courage to do it? How did you fend for yourself? How did you survive? I envy you for having so much strength.
from miedema2002 :
Cool. I am not much of a fan of Naruto or Bleach, but I do love Sailor Moon and Death Note and a lot of underground anime I have collected over the years. :) I have accumulated quite a bit in my video collection.
from luxelady :
thank you so much for your support - it's so awesome to have people behind you during difficult times...xx luxe
from xxplaydeadxx :
Good luck. I'm proud of you for trying to quit. ♥
from ethereal-red :
The 17th? You have to wait that long? That sucks. I'm sure it'll be a relief to know what disorder you have. You've been in the dark about that for a long time.
from ethereal-red :
Try to talk him into getting help. And V lies to you. Don't listen to him.
from xxplaydeadxx :
That's such a cute picture. The kitty is pretty. And you look...ok this makes you sound like a little kid or something, but you look adorable. All sleepy. =)...I'm so sorry about N...Try to talk to him. Be as calm as you can. Try to talk him into getting help...I'm sorry. I love you.
from ethereal-red :
You are beautiful, and Tom is a very handsome cat. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
I wanna see that picture but it's uploaded on some site that is blocked here....but at least i'm special enough to HAVE a picture of you. ^-^ *turns nose up to everyone else* I love you.
from luxelady :
thank you so much for your sweet note - it means so much to know that someone out there cares...i hope you know that i care about you the same way...xx luxe
from ethereal-red :
She's almost 13? That's even worse.
from ethereal-red :
Your sister is 14... she's too young to be having sex, I agree. And without condoms? She's just asking for trouble with STDs, even with the birth control pills (which, when used improperly, don't work either...). I hope she learns that she needs to be safe!
from anni05 :
lol, its cool. my name is brea mcknight, so yeah you can add me. xxx
from ethereal-red :
Tom is a beautiful cat- I love orange tabbys! I'm so glad he came back after being gone for a few hours!
from anni05 :
lol, actually at the moment we don't have a working digital camera. but maybe i can get alaina to take a picture of me on her phone and post it on facebook so i can take it or something. and thats good that you were able to find your cat :O i used to have a cat, he ran away because there was a lot going on, we were getting new carpet and he was scared of men. he never came back though :( xxx
from roamany :
Who's really to say what you hear isn't right? Maybe it is a gift, but I know sometimes it feels more like a curse. It's up to you to decide how much you're willing to deal with. I love you :) <3
from ethereal-red :
I think you're right about the having-a-baby issue... you'd be a wonderful mother, but perhaps now is not the time. And that's awful how your mom lied to Jessica!
from roamany :
I'm sorry I haven't been here a lot lately. I've just spent some time catching up on your entires, and I am worried about the way the people in your life treat you. I don't know if I'm stupid, or if I just missed it, but who is V? Anyhow, I LOVE YOU, and I'm here for you no matter what you need. Anything in the world, you name it, you got it :) lots of loves, hugs n' kisses - m
from beyondpanic :
Hi Enurta! Welcome to BeyondPanic. So, here's the thing, I am not afraid of dogs - I love dogs, but when I get a dog, I completely panic and freak out and then I give the dog back. I have no idea why and so that is why I'm going back to a therapist. Also, every time we buy a dog, I make the family return it and then we don't get any of our money back. But....I'm working on this...just keep working on it....and I'm talking to the therapist about changing my meds because they just don't seem to be working anymore.
from roamany :
I think you'd be the greatest mother ever. You've been through so much and you have more compassion than anyone I know. I'm sorry things are so confusing and hard for you. I love you soooo much, and I'm always here for you, ok? XXXOOOXXX
from anthronut :
HAHA! Love it. I should say that. Though he wasn't calling me a ho...At all. I'm just an over -reacting nut.
from roamany :
Your tattoo is BEAUTIFUL, just like you!!! I'm so proud of you too....you overcame a great fear of yours. Love you lots - xxooxx - M
from ethereal-red :
Your new tattoo is awesome, and the lettering is beautiful. Thanks for posting pics!
from anni05 :
yay! your new tattoo is awesome. i love it. im gonna get a tattoo when im 18 :)
from lizbathory :
Ha ha! Tattoos are not screwed up at all by weight loss and gain. I have a couple that saw me gain then lose over 100lbs. Yeah, you're safe. lol
from lizbathory :
Oops! Correction, I have 18 tats. I keep forgetting about the broken heart on my lower back. lol
from lizbathory :
Yeah, 17 tattoos and counting. I'm actually working on what I want the next one to be right now. I'll have #18 hopefully within the next month. Yeah, my back is almost complete....My diary has pix in it. lol
from anthronut :
:) Thank you for your note BTW. I will take your advice!
from lizbathory :
I just need an email addy to send it to again. lol
from anni05 :
aww thank you. ill try to take your advice and think of more positive things. its always kind of hard for me to be positive :O
from anni05 :
by the way, i forgot to ask, did you ever get my email with my user/pass?
from anni05 :
:O you don't have to listen to some idiot who doesn't even know you. you're right to be angry. just because abilify works for them doesn't mean it will work for everyone.
from anthronut :
Oh lord. I cry at weddings, I'm not sure what it is about it...I'll be sure to bawl like a baby at mine :). And hey! If you want to come, you're more than welcome to!
from anthronut :
:) You're so sweet. I've known him (and we've practically been in love from moment number 1) for almost 6 years! We grew up together...we're still growing up together. But in a way, we grew together, so it seemed so right to get married. We started talking about marriage last year around this time, and then in July he proposed! I needed a long engagement though, so the wedding is May 19th. And it's SO wonderful to hear people who don't regret getting married young...and understanding the soulmate thing! I'm happy to hear that for you and for my sake. Lol. Thanks for you note! I'll add you to my favorites so I don't lose you again!
from ethereal-red :
I was on Haldol for three days. It made me like a zombie, I was so out of it. And the thing is, it wasn't even a very strong dose.
from ethereal-red :
I think you're right. He can't tell you what to do, he doesn't own you.
from anni05 :
Don't hate yourself... you can't help what happens to you, you can't fight it when the voices start. Don't blame yourself.
from anni05 :
aww. its really good that you're able to help your sister out. it feels good when you can make a person feel better or save their life just by being a friend. ive had people that have done that for me :)
from anni05 :
hey, i added you as a favorite diary :) ive been reading your diary for a while, i thought you were really cool. i also want you to know that you're doing a really good job. i believe that you can pull through, and im proud of how far you've come. :)
from ethereal-red :
That is just awful that you are treated that way. You deserve SO much better. And you are NOT a cunt or anything like that. You are a beautiful, kind person. I know you probably do not believe me because you have been fed so many horrible lies. But it's the truth, enurta... you ARE beautiful, inside and out. You really are.
from miedema2002 :
I'm so sorry that N and your sister are treating you this way. It's horrible! You don't deserve it and you don't deserve to self-harm either. You are NOT worthless and you don't deserve to go to hell, and everyone loves you. They just suck at showing it. You are so much more then your illness and it's sad that N and Maya can't see it. That shows how pathetic they are not you. You are a beautiful person inside who cares so much for other people, even when they don't deserve your caring nature. Please be alright. I worry about you. Keep us all here posted k?
from xxplaydeadxx :
I've been thinking about that stuff a lot too...I wish I could take you away from there and help you get better...I love you.
from bamstroker :
*hugs*
from xxplaydeadxx :
You aren't nothing. You need new meds. Has anything every made them go away? I know yours are really bad, but I take seroquel and it makes mind go away...But sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode from the pressure. And I feel...it's like someone's swimming in my brain. Ya know how people sound when they try to talk underwater? That's what it sounds like...But that doesn't happen a lot...Maybe it'd help you. Have you tried it?...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I want to help you so bad, but I know there isn't anything I can do for you...I love you.
from ethereal-red :
Im glad you had a good time out with the guys, and am sorry that you are using symptoms so much. I wish I could make your life all better...
from xeison :
im glad you know why you are getting the tests done, i was concerned that you might not, but you clearly do, so that is good. i do deserve to be punished. You argued that no Human has the right to punish another because they are not God. Do you believe that murderers should not be sent to jail? That Hitler shouldnt have been fought against? i doubt you would take such positions, which means you do agree then that Humans can punish Humans. If you do not agree, then you are proposing that we should let Humans hurt other Humans and not care because God will judge those Humans when they die. In the meanwhile, let them do all the bad they wish. i dont think you can argue that. i agree with you, you never deserved what happened to you, but jsut because you didnt deserve it doesnt mean i dont. You are a good person, while im not. You have nothing to be sorry about because none of this is your fault, it is all mine. You asked about my real parents. My Mother was shot when i was five back when we lived in Riyadah. Technically, it was my fault because i failed my job. My Father abandoned me after my Sister died, two years ago, because it was my fault she died, so he beat me up really badly and left me on the street. two days later when i was finaly able to get myself to move again, he was long gone. You have nothing to be sorry about, you didnt upset me. Just, im not a good or strong person like you think i am. im not beautiful.
from ethereal-red :
I'm sorry you felt the need to do that... and I am very glad that you did not jump. Very, very glad. I feel bad that you are in so much pain. :(
from xxplaydeadxx :
Did you forget that I need and love you?...Please don't do that...Please.
from dinosaurorgy :
You're then third person I know of that's from Sweden. It seems like a really good place to be.
from open-n-true :
/hugs hello how are you? I wondered about you. Still same shit huh, I'm sorry to hear that. You know, those voices are just you telling yourself what you'd like to change or dare to do. Buy some dance/aerobic videos and de-stress some of that anxiety inside. Do lots of it lol. Chin up babe, give yourself a break and instead, a pat on the back! We're all still alive for a reason. I'm glad to know you and for diaryland.com for bringing us all together, muah! Please take care xoxo
from xxplaydeadxx :
You have no idea how happy that note made me. I almost cried. =D I'm going to put the picture you sent me of you on my wall. =) And your kitties. :) And write you another letter, seeing as how I lost the last one. Have to get stamps. Been trying to get the mofos to get me some. Had a letter to Georgia for over a month now.Rawr. OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! I can NOT believe you think of me as your best friend. You're an amazing friend. I have like a shit load of best friends. I love you all the same, just...hm. Different. I don't know how to explain it... Anyway, I have to go. I'll send you an email tonight if I don't forget. I gosta go. I love you!!!!!
from xeison :
You dont need to thank me, i really didnt do much. Yeah, i remember that about Arabic countires, that was one of the things i was worried about. You are quite right, that does pose a lot of problems to you guys. im so sorry that you are in that situation. im also really sorry, im not really sure what to tell you to do.
from xeison :
Isnt it my fault though? Its all my fault, i hurt them by being such a failure, i hurt everyone. i am nothing but a leech on them. i cant say they are horrible people, they took me in and they havent killed me like they should have. i just burden their lives and yet they still keep me. How can i blame them for being upset with me? It is really kind of you to think that i am beautiful, kind, and help others, but im not and i dont. i hurt others. i deserve to be hurt by them. Techncally, i get better than i deserve. i could talk to social services, its just, everytime they moved me, i just ended up in a home like this. My last home was just like this. i dont want to move again just to come to this. id rather just serve out my punishment here. Love you too, i hope you have been taking care of yourself.
from ethereal-red :
You feel the way you do and have the voices because you are mentally ill, have self-esteem problems, and you are having a hard time. This is NOT your fault.
from xxplaydeadxx :
You hate yourself because you have the voices. There's something in your brain causing them. I'm not sure what. You want to lose weight because you have an ed. In reality your not fat. And deep down you KNOW it. But this monster of a thing is making you think that way. You are beautiful. Truly. Inside and out. I have a pic of you remember? And I'm very much honest. I would not tell you that you're beautiful if I didn't think it. And I know whatcha mean. I love Lochia to death, but sometimes I just don't feel like talking. In a certain mood, like I just don't feel like talking. But maybe when you get in there it'll change. Like it does with me sometimes. I love you and a lot of other people do too. You gotta try to see yourself for who you really are. Not what the bad things that are ruling your life are making you see. There would not be so many people trying to help you if you were a bad person. If I thought you were a bad person, I would tell you so and never speak to you again. And don't ever worry about that changing. I'll always love you. If I love someone, it takes something fucking HUGE to make that change. Look at what my parents, and Haley have done to me. Especially her. They've all ripped my heart out and I still love them. And with her it's not even all the being IN love with her. It's friendship love too. So I don't even know what you could do to make me stop loving you. Because you're amazing and kind and understanding and just a completely beautiful person. I love you.
from xeison :
You have nothing to thank me for. i agree, you shouldnt tell Maya, i thought she already knew, im sorry i was stupid. i am glad yo uare doing ok at least, but yo uare rgiht you need to stop smoking. i think you will be ready to stop one day, you just need to keep trying and one day yo uwill get it.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I think you should get the stomache surgery done. I'd be scared to death if it was me, but I'd do it...I don't want anything ad to happen to you. I love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Please don't do that. I need you and love you. I wanna take you and N away from there and y'all live with me and I would help you....Oh, and your animals. We could hide them if the landlords came over. One day. I'll come see you when I finally have the money. I love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I forgot about sending the email. Here it is: fuck/off....mean but I find it funny.
from bamstroker :
i'm sorry your sister had such a cryptic response about the party... something is seriously wrong with that woman, your sister is HALF her age! ugh, it completely disgusts me.. i only hope your sister hasn't been taken advantage of and will be able to see how dysfunctional/wrong it is that an older woman likes her in that way. but she's so young she may just like the attention and won't be able to grasp the seriousness of the situation- i don't know. thank god she has you looking out for her. i'm so happy you like your new doctor. try not to stress too much about the test, i'm sure finding out the results and then receiving the proper treatment will feel like such a relief. :)
from ethereal-red :
I agree with anainsight- Sandra is a predator and a pedophile. I'd call the police, or have your mom call the police. So glad your new doctor is a good one, and best of luck with the CT scan.
from anainsight :
That "Sandra" person is a SEXUAL PREDATOR and a PEDOPHILE. Your mom or you needs to call the police. I am not kidding. A 23-year-old with a 16-year-old is bad enough, but a 12-year-old? Disgraceful! Oh, and don't worry about the CT scan - it isn't scary. All you have to do is lie still and follow the directions that the machine tells you to do. It's not scary at all. Be strong and I am thinking of you. (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
Hey. :) Stay strong, I believe in you.
from roamany :
Not a stupid question!! We've been together a year and aren't married yet, although we've been talking about it. We've actually known each other almost three years now. Love you lots lady and thank you for the best wishes - M LOVE YOU!!! :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
Yeah. Smoking's bad but, like I tell everyone, I'd much rather smoke a cig than throw up or cut. I smoke like 1-2 every hour, usually. Sometimes I go a couple hours without one...Yeah, guess I smoke too much, huh? Oh well. The worse things get, the more I want to smoke. So I think it's better for you to smoke. You don't actually smoke a lot, compared to a shitload of people...K. Love you. [that note was totally pointless. :P]
from ethereal-red :
Oh, and I am glad you were able to help Mona. Helping others always makes me feel better.
from ethereal-red :
They are coming out will all kinds of new stop-smoking aids when you are ready and can tackle the voices on your own. New computers are always fun. :) I hope you get one really soon!
from bamstroker :
aw hon, don't be hard on yourself about the smoking. it's unhealthy, true, but you're doing better in so many ways. lots of people smoke and there are more successful & better tools to quit coming out all the time, so when you're ready you should have a lot of support. i hope you get a new computer soon too!
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for the advice. I think I will talk to my landlord. I've caught three mice in the last week. It's getting pretty bad. And, yes, the building is super old.
from miedema2002 :
You are doing very well. One baby step at a time...
from luxelady :
good for you - you're doing great!!! ps - thanks for all your support. xx luxe
from ethereal-red :
Well, I love animals, and I'm allowed a cat in my apartment. Also, getting a kitten, for me, symbolizes new growth and a life of happiness. This is my new chance to make it in this big, scary world. This is my shot at really being somebody other than Sick Emily. I am now responsible for something other than myself. Basil slept with me for part of the night last night. He also slept in the computer hutch, on the chair, and in a basket that he found on the kitchen counter. Now, there was a basket with a warm fleece blanket in it twenty feet away from her, but he chose the hard, unblanketed version... oh well. :) Basil has adjusted well to his new home- much quicker than I thought. He's got either a bit of a cold or a slight reaction to a nasal vaccine they gave him. I need to make a vet appt for him- the shelter I went to pays for one free check-up within two weeks of adoption.
from ethereal-red :
I'm really proud of you. I also know how difficult it is to achieve the things you have achieved- and want you to know that you have my support.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm so proud of you. Really. ♥
from roamany :
It's incredibly sweet of you to try n' help N's mother :) Everyone should have someone like you in their lives. I truly hope you can get her out of that terrible place soon. Best wishes - M
from ethereal-red :
Yep. Christmas originated from the pagan celebration Yule. :)
from ethereal-red :
Best of luck with your new treatment team!
from ethereal-red :
So glad you like Susannah. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
I can't believe that everything will get better because everytime I believe that, things get worse....I am in therapy....It just doesn't help. I'm not gonna kill myself or anything though. I try to keep my promises. I try to not be a fucking liar like everyone else, ya know? I won't do that. It's hard to believe that anyone gives a flying fuck about me, and most of the time I don't. But if I reallyreallyreally think about it, I believe it. And just in case it's true, I don't want to hurt anyone like that.......Thank you for caring so much. I love you.
from roamany :
I truly hope that you realize how amazing YOU are. You're so beautiful and sweet and you are LOVED immensly :) <3 U!!!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
pw for the other diary is kill/me.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Never ever ever will I take xanax. I fucking hate those goddamn pills. I see Dr. Raggio again the 24th, I think. I'm gonna tell him I still feel like shit. That's why I only got one month's worth of meds. He wants to make sure everything's ok....Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Ok? Really.... I love you.
from xxsorrowxx :
Sorry!Haven't checked my notes in a while...the user/password are both "me".
from ethereal-red :
I am glad you have somebody who loves you unconditionally in your life. :)
from miedema2002 :
Whenever I feel intense anger I take some paper, lock myself in a private room and frantically write whatever I feel. It can be in point form or stream of consciousness or whatever no set structure and no boundaries. It can be as sick and twisted as it needs to be whatever you anger says. Then after it's all written out take the paper(s) and wrip them up into tiny pieces and throw them in the garbage, or maybe burn them in the fire place or throw them in a garbage outside somewhere. The main idea is to make sure that no one else can read it or find it then you get it out of you safely. I find that way helps for me. Feel free to try it.
from bamstroker :
that sucks you're having computer troubles. i'm also really paranoid if i have to use the internet in public, especially when i'm writing in my diary. sometimes i have to use the family PC and that is troublesome- i have to be so careful to delete my browser history and make sure i never walk away when a window is up. i hope the social services lady is kind and helpful. maybe you'll even make a friend. :) it is completely understandable you're feeling this anger.. i think it might help to try to come up with some kind of outlet. there's writing, of course, which i'm glad you do. maybe other activities, like painting, or exercise would help lessen those emotions? punching a pillow might even help. about my entry- sorry, i forgot to give details, but the surgery is called "nissen fundoplication" and involves wrapping the upper stomach around the esophagus to prevent/stop reflux. i have really bad reflux and medication doesn't help. i've been doing research into this surgery though and i don't think i want to do it, there are so many complications and it seems like it doesn't work for many people. plus surgery alone scares me and it's a big decision to make. i'm just going to put it off and keep trying different meds. take care hon. *hugs* <3
from ethereal-red :
your email address did not work. username: diet password: coke
from miedema2002 :
You have been tagged. Read blog for details.
from luxelady :
thanks so much for being so thoughtful. it really helps to know that you care. xx luxe
from roamany :
Thank you so much :) Your notes make me happy...I'm really sorry your New Years sucked, but I truly hope that this is your best year yet. I LOVE YOU TOO!! -M
from ethereal-red :
And I, my dear, am proud of you too. :) And you're right, food is totally different when eaten slowly. I think it's better, more satisfying.
from ethereal-red :
I'm so sorry you felt the need to try to kill yourself, and I am very glad you did not succeed.
from miedema2002 :
Your husband needs to find ways to deal with your illnesses that don't include threatening suicide and violence towards you. I mean, it's not like this is all new to him! He should be willing to figure out ways to help you and help himself in a healthy manner. Maybe look up info on your illnesses or see a counselor just for him or I dunno "communicate with words instead of fists." If he is refusing to deal with it and help himself and expecting you to change overnight then he can bugger off as far as I'm concerned!
from ethereal-red :
Hey, congrats on not purging for two days! That's a huge accomplishment. :)
from ethereal-red :
Hey, thanks for the encouragement and support. It means a lot to me.
from miedema2002 :
That is still no excuse, but it is your decision and I respect that.
from bamstroker :
i'm 5'2" so 100 isn't too bad... to be honest, i'd like to get down to the 80s, but i know that's really unhealthy so i'm trying not to think about it too much. i really hope you're enjoying the holidays. :) *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
I'm sorry for what N did to you. That was completely unacceptable and I'm glad you told him that. Good for you for standing up for yourself! :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
That bastard...Ok, sorry. I didn't think about it. I'll use enurta from now on......... As soon as I can, I'm getting your ass over here, and WE will go to the movies and we will help each other not purge. We'll go see something hilarious, or completely retarded, and it'll be great. :) OK??? Ok. I lllloooovvvveeee you! ♥
from ethereal-red :
I'm sorry you had such a horrible weekend. :(
from kanyooceemee :
We have been together for about 13 years and in March we'll be married for 12. His outbursts and fits of rage have decreased considerably over the years and I think that's the main reason I stick by his side. He is learning, but slowly and it begins to wear on a person after so long. He is a good father and an excellent lover so he has his good points. ;) Hope things are going well for you. You are in my prayers... Happy Holidays too!
from xxplaydeadxx :
I would miss you too. So please don't do it. I love you....And try to not write "I'm not going to purge" b/c that seriously just makes it so much worse. You have to give yourself a choice. You can't just say I definitely am, or am not........Ok. I love you.
from ethereal-red :
I weigh 175 pounds. I am clinically obese according to my BMI. I feel disgusting.
from miedema2002 :
If you lock up can I please have the url/password? my e-mail is emilymediema@hotmail.com. Thanks.
from ethereal-red :
I'd lock up if I were you. That's what I did to keep my sister from reading my diary.
from ethereal-red :
I think it is AWESOME that you didn't harm yourself in any way and that you are writing a book! I found that writing my memoir was very therapeutic. And you can always self-publish at www.lulu.com like I did- it's a good start, anyway. You can always submit it to agents later. :) I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors. You are always in my thoughts. <3
from miedema2002 :
If your dream is to write then write! That is the beauty of writing really you can't fail at it in my opinion! Even if you get it published you can't fail at it because you will always have people who will love it and people who will not like it very much, but don't count that as failure. Every writer has that issue. What's great about writing is that it's your words and your ideas and creativity and that people can never fail at because everyone's art is different. So write on my friend write on! :)
from ethereal-red :
It's common to break out in sores due to poor nutrition.
from idontpretend :
Hey, I'm sorry I didn't reply to your last note sooner. I've been feeling consumed by everything. :( If you want to, feel free to email me, and I'll be more than willing to talk to you. Too much to put in a note. My email is in my profile. Ttys.
from xxplaydeadxx :
It's not your fault....for--you kill/me.
from luxelady :
thank you so much for your supportive note. i'm just...at a loss. i don't know what to do...but hearing from you helps.
from xxplaydeadxx :
It's alright. I didn't really want you to send the money. I was only accepting b/c I know we need help with it right now... But I'm so fucking sick of being a goddamn charity case, so it's fine by me... I hope N wasn't mean to you about it. I never want you to do anything for me that will cause him to be mean to you, ok? Ok. But you have no idea how much it meant to me [you offering to send me the money]....And I didn't know you guys were doing so bad with money too. :'( So you really shouldn't have offerred. :'(...Ok. I love you. [and I'm sorry you had stupid bitch-ass nightmares. >.< ]
from lizbathory :
Ok, I took the pic down so you can read in comfort now. Go to past bitching, and start reading at march of 2001. Enjoy.
from xxplaydeadxx :
IDK: I meant that I don't know. Sorry for confusing you.....................I can't drop out. I mean, it sounds really nice sometimes, but I can't. I have to go to college and become a psychologist. I have to. For me. It just feels like too much right now. Everything is really hard and school is just...stupid. But I can do it. May. End of it. Graduation. Not too long. I can do it....... My mother is supposed to get a check b/c me and her have mental illnesses.....so does Michael, it's just not diagnosed yet. But she doesn't get it. It's her own fault though. She keeps saying she's going to talk to someone about it and then never does. I'll tell her to do it today........ ok. I have a paypal...I don't know what you need to be able to send me the money though.....Danielle Parker, um, the email is [Haley's] phoenixx_731@yahoo.com....I have no idea about paypal. Never used it. You'll have to help me out with it. Ok, I have to go now. [we came to the library in english. :) ] I love you. [[[[[I can't call/text you b/c Angel's dad and mom are paying the bill, and if it's too much again, he'll stop paying, and we'll be completely fucked. But if you wanna call me, the number is 1-231-357-6618-----I have no idea about the number you have to dial in order to call the U.S. though...]]]]]
from xxplaydeadxx :
Sweetie, you say I'm beautiful. A couple others do too. You guys all say I'm smart. Way more say smart than pretty....But I have the voices, the ed, the cutting, burning, uncontrolable emotions. For some reason it happened to us. I wish I could tell you why......:(..............Um. I sorta don't have an account at any bank. Don't have a way to start one either. I don't know...*sigh* My mom said something about you sending a money order to me...IDK. I don't know if that'd work. Probably not. I mean, you live in another damn country, so how COULD it work?....Lemme see. Shit, gotta go......I'll try to figure something out today. I love you.
from idontpretend :
My exfiance. :/
from lizbathory :
A friend of mine did that back when I was being attacked by my ex after she left me. It was a hint for them to shut up. The best way to read my diary is to start at the beginning, and work your way up. It starts in March of 2001. Right after my ex was in Canada for the first time, and just left to go back to the UK. There are parts in 2002 where almost every entry is the kids. They were pretty much everything to me, and she left without letting me say goodbye to them.
from lizbathory :
I just emailed you with mine instead. Stupid d-land hates me. No darlin' you aren't alone, and you aren't crazy. You are just like alot of people in this world. They just don't usually talk about it because they thinks it's just them, or that no one will believe them. It's scary how many multiples are in this world.
from lizbathory :
Let me know if you got the pass or not. D-land likes to be dumb alot. I'm sorry to push it all on you, but I gotta tell ya. No drugs in this world will fix you. You need proper therapy.... but, state funded shit always kills you. The american government shuns us canadians for our medicare, but where I live, no matter what I need it's covered. Frankly I don't mind waiting a week or 5 to see a specialist. It's free, and I gotta tell ya, I have MS and see a neurologist for nothing, I inject approximately $1600/ month in meds that cost me nothing. As for what I told you to search.... after dating 3, befriending a good 5 online, and 2 in person, and living with one....I kinda see the signs a mile away. Simple advice can help you sort your head out, and get it under control. You have more power than you think. You'd be amazed what you can do. You aren't sick, just special. And I'm pretty sure that the eating disorder isn't you. It's probably a kid or 2. When we're young and can't control our lives, we turn to ourselves, and our weight. It keeps us sane to control what we can. Chances are a couple of the kids did that. That's why when you see you doing it, it isn't quite real to you. You are being pushed back so they can do it. Odd, but true. The laws of physics do not stand when it comes to the kids. The possibilities, are endless. The one living with me is an ex of mine. She was lactose intolerant, and had a failing liver, then she put a main kid in (integration) and now she can drink milk, and her liver is fine. Explain that one....you can't. That's kids. They never cease to amaze me in every way daily. I consider it as being extra special, not sick. Kids are kids. They need love too. They are a product of what created them, and as such...they can seem bad, but they aren't. They just don't know any better. It's not their fault. Just like all of this isn't your fault either.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I can't start a paypal from here. :( I can't check my fucking emails. :'( We need money, of course, but I feel bad for taking yours. I need clothes and everything. So does Angel. I mean, Tim's gonna be sending money, but $100 a week won't get us EVERYTHING we need. Like clothes, food [since we're already outta food stamps], cigs, cat and dog food [we have five animals. HUNGRY animals]....I need shoes. Angel too. Michael needs clothes and shoes. Linda too. All of us. So the money would help. Shit, gotta go. Hey, you could do it for me! cut-right-into-me@hotmail.com [pw: falling17 or maybe just falling. can't remember.]. :) gotta go. Love you.
from ethereal-red :
Hi! I didn't win anything super cool, just a certificate, but I am awfully proud of that fancy yellow certificate. :) I self-published my book. You can go and preview it at http://www.lulu.com/content/1373056 there are 5 pages you can read. I am not allowed to let anybody read the whole book until my therapist and I process some things about it.
from xxplaydeadxx :
stay/out...
from ethereal-red :
Hey... I'm glad you got that off your chest and told N. And I'm glad he asked you to not drink for three days... I think you can do it. I believe in you. <3
from miedema2002 :
You are not a bad person. N sounds immature and mean. I think it should be the opposite you need to get away from him. You are trying your hardest to get better and he doesn't see that and all he does is belittle you and break you down. You don't deserve that. Anyways I'm glad you met a friend. Good luck in seeing him today. :)
from roamany :
I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!! Don't worry, I'm not leaving this diary, but I do want to start something new. That is my tattoo...but it's not finished yet, we're putting red and orange leaves on it soon. I have some more new tats but I haven't taken any pictures yet...wierd about that picture of my back. I really hope no one used it on another site, but I guess it doesn't matter. I miss talking to you...sorry I'm rambling but I'm really tired. Love you lots girly - M
from roamany :
Here's my info lucky/strike. :)
from roamany :
Hey, I'm ALWAYS here for you sweety, and I never have and never will judge you because I feel like we're one in the same. I love you so much and that'll never change. <3U - M
from roamany :
You crack me up,I love you sooooo much!!!!! : )
from xxplaydeadxx :
=( You do NOT *NEED* pills. Not those pills anyway. I absolutely HATE xanaxes. I hate 'em. My *mother* abuses them, and Angel was really hooked on them, and I hate how people act while taking them. >:( I really don't want you doing any of this stuff to yourself. It scares me. Drinking, b/p-ing again, the pills...It scares me....Anyway. There's some notes on Haley's note page that are from you, and like addressed to me, and it confused me and her. =S What happened there?.................Thank you...I don't feel beautiful though. At all...But yeah, the animals are so cute. ^-^ And Dustin is a cutey too. :P I love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
.....He's done a lot of stuff. I'll tell you about it when I'm not so exhausted. I love you, and I'm glad that damn cyst has at least gotten smaller instead of bigger. I'm sorry it's still there though. :(
from miedema2002 :
Good luck in your appointment. I hope the cyst is gone.
from ethereal-red :
Hey... I hope you do not need the surgery. You're in my thoughts...
from xxplaydeadxx :
I really have no one. Jim hates me, so does Kim, I think. My grandma lives in another city, and SHE hates me. Aunts and uncles all live in different cities or different states. So I'm stuck with that stupid bitch...I'll be 18 on Jan 7...But I have no money, no car, no license, no NOTHING. I can't do do anything. I'm fucked.......I hope the cyst is just completely GONE. :( I love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Happy late birthday.....I wanna send you a present, but I don't know when I can...Maybe I can make you something. =D Like a pretty bowl or something in pottery....what are your favorite colors so I can make is super pretty?.... =/ If you eat less than 1400cals, you're just going to gain weight. >=/ I love you.
from miedema2002 :
Happy birthday! :D
from xxplaydeadxx :
Ship her over here and she can live with me, and I shall take care of her. I really would... Um. Yeah, Linda says that stuff to me all the time. Like...I dunno. She doesn't try at all to FORCE her religion on me. I go to church with her sometimes, just to be nice. She knows I don't believe in her god, and...she's ok with my opinion, she just says she wishes I would believe. She just reminds me and Angel what hell is supposed to be like...Yeah, I don't know how to explain it. For once I don't feel like she's trying to be a bitch..... Well. I honestly don't know about being happy. I'm partially happy. Happy with my friends, with Haley. Not happy about not being able to get things under control. Not happy about not being able to get my brain to be rational anymore. Not happy about all the bad things going on....I don't know. I'm happy, but at the same time I'm miserable. I don't really understand it. Yeah, I'ma go now. I love you. [as soon as I can get a damn stamp I'm sending you the pics and letter. :D]
from xxplaydeadxx :
What was wrong?! :'( Um...I know I need to stop that stuff. Oh, I don't drink often at all, so don't worry bout that. :) Uhhh...I know it's all so bad. But it's really hard. I just don't know how to do it right now. I don't know how to stop this, or deal with things...I know I'll snap out of it before long. I just CAN'T right now. :( But I'm really sorry for upsetting you and making you worry about me. I love you too.
from xxsorrowxx :
Better?I'm sorry it made you depressed.I was feeling pretty depressed when I put it on there.I'll try to find something nicer later.
from ethereal-red :
Of course you can read my book. It might be awhile, though, because my therapist wants me to write one version for me and edit another version to give to people should I choose to do so. She's concerned that I'm doing this NaNo thing for everybody else and not for myself, which is not necessarily true, but whatever. She does have a point.
from ethereal-red :
I take Abilify and have for over a year now. I really, really like it. It doesn't make me tired, the only side effect I have is dry mouth. I'm on a max dose (30 mg) and it helps me SO, SO, SO much. No more hallucinations most of the time, and when I do hallucinate (which is rarely), I have a smaller dose that I can take as needed to help with that. I'd recommend Abilify to anybody. Talk to your doctor about it for sure!
from ethereal-red :
So sorry the group did not go well. :( But you're right, you can try again in a year or so. By the way, are you still doing NaNoWriMo?
from ethereal-red :
Morpheus is SO cute! And have fun today, okay, at your group! Try to enjoy yourself at least.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Um. I have no way to even check my email...I forgot about that. But nevermind. I found the letter, and the envelope. :) So I don't needs it nows. :) Honey.....Ya know, I'd love to have you living with me. I want to help you. I don't want you to feel alone...You don't deserve to die, and I'm fighting really hard to not cry right now. I don't want people staring at me again... :( I love you...If there's anyway I can get a calling card or whatever, if you want you can give me your number. I love you...and I'm so sorry Urban died. :'(
from ethereal-red :
So sorry Urban died. :( That's so sad. I don't even like to think about Spike dying. She's my little baby.
from bamstroker :
you're in my thoughts, sweetheart. stay strong and hang in there. *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
Wow. It is something serious. Well, I, for one, hope that it's just a cyst and that they can remove it easily. I would hate for you to get cancer and die. You're my friend. I'd miss you...
from anainsight :
Back in 2000 I had the same thing, a huge cyst on my ovary, and it turned out to be just that - a cyst. Please don't start off with the bingeing and purging right now, you need to be taking good care of yourself. I am thinking of you. (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
I also hope that everything turns out okay with your uterus. I hope it isn't anything serious.
from ethereal-red :
Hey! NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month. The website is www.nanowrimo.org. The goal is to write 50,000 words in the month of November. If you do, you "win" and get an e-certificate and stuff. You write the book on your regular word processor. Go to the website. There'll be a link in the upper right hand corner about joining. It's free, you just join and fill out a profile. There are forums you can post messages in, too, and NaNoMail, which is a private messaging system. Let me know what your username is so I can add you as a buddy! Mine's silverbean3. I'm so excited that you want to do this with me! Yay!
from miedema2002 :
Please don't start purging regularily again. You have been doing so well. Don't replace purging with drinking. Take care of yourself ok? Love ya.
from ethereal-red :
With a properly planned diet, vegans are able to avoid vitamin deficiencies and can live very healthy lives. And I get plenty of calcium from soy milk and dark, leafy greens. I plan on going vegan eventually because it's better for the Earth, the animals and my own conscience. I also do not want any part of all the pesticides and chemicals found in milk and cheese and eggs.
from xxplaydeadxx :
No. You are NOT pathetic, you just need to watch out for this. I like to drink too. I hate the taste of rum, but I looove how it makes ya feel. Vodka is my favorite. You just gotta be careful. Don't let yourself get too hooked. Please? I don't want you to get like that.....I love you. Oh! I rewrote the letter to you yesterday, and finished it. ^-^ So I'll need your addy again, and I'll send it. =D I love you.
from aqualimestar :
You deserve a better doc and there shouldnt be anything keeping you from changing doctors! I would try calling your insurance. Please take care (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
I think your doctor's fucked up, and I hate him even though he's not even my doctor. I agree with anainsight, report him. And that's total bullshit that a month is "too short of time" to write the letter to the insurance company. It's plenty of time. Call your insurance company and see what other doctors they cover. There's got to be some way to dump him.
from anainsight :
Sweetie, you need to report this doctor to whatever professional association for doctors you have. That was totally uncalled for and totally unprofessional and even malicious. He should be prosecuted for what he did to you. In the US, I would call the AMA and report him. You might even have to call the police. Do whatever you have to in order to make sure he gets what he deserves. (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
I am very sorry that happened to you. That was totally unprofessional behavior. Find a new doctor. This one really, really is awful. You deserve better.
from ethereal-red :
He wants you to spend more time with sick people? Funny. My therapist wants me to spend LESS time with sick people, to form new and healthy connections. So does my doctor. Weird how people in the same profession think so differently.
from luxelady :
i know that you can't change the outcome (and i hate to sound like my MD here, but..)you can change what you do with the outcome....anyway - i hope you had a grand time!!
from ethereal-red :
Hope you make it to the party okay and that you have fun.
from aqualimestar :
It was just a slip, I promise. I still have a difficult time with restaurants.. But only once in a while. And I am so glad that I was able to help you in some way. I know, as difficult as it is, you can get better. I am sorry you had to give your cat away :( You are right, the cat cannot be peeing everywhere. Have you asked N why he seems so angry at you all the time? It is probably misplaced anger :( I am sorry you have to go through it though.
from ethereal-red :
Actually, medically speaking, there is no such thing as a negative calorie. So veggies aren't. But they sure are low-cal, and very good for you, so keep eating them! Congratulations on eating 3 meals a day and not purging since this weekend! Keep it up!
from xxplaydeadxx :
SEEEEEEEE!!!! I TOLD you that you could do it! And yes. Veggies are NEGATIVE calories. I think that's why a lot of vegetarians are skinny. :) So yeah. Just keep up the good work. It makes me SO happy that you're doing good!!!!! *hugs* I'm working on your letter, btw. :) It's boring, but it's a letter. ^_^ I love you!
from miedema2002 :
I agree with you. I think she needs to go to a group home for troubled kids. She needs help fast.
from ethereal-red :
What a beautiful tattoo!
from miedema2002 :
I'm so sorry that your sister has to go into foster care. It's even more sad that even when monster isn't around it still affects every decision that is made. I hope foster care helps her. I wish you all luck.
from miedema2002 :
I'm so happy that you and May are friends again. That is terrible how Monster treats you and your family! It's like everytime something doesn't go his way he takes off. What a jerk! I don't know your family situation, but maybe your mom could find a job or maybe go on disability? She sounds very depressed from what I have read in previous entries. Either way she has to do something... I hope things turn out ok for all of you. You're all in my prayers
from ethereal-red :
I'm glad you have May back in your life! And I'm sorry about your sister (age 12?! oh my god!), and the predicament monster put the rest of your family in. He truly is an asshole.
from ethereal-red :
It takes awhile to warm up to a new professional, like anainsight said. And you're right. Monster IS an asshole. His sicknesses are none of your fault, and he should accept N as part of the family. And you changed your name. So what? A lot of people do that when they get married!
from anainsight :
It takes a lot of time to warm up to a new doctor and therapist. I've been seing Linda two years this month, every week and I still don't 100% trust her. And I have an even worse time with my doctor. So don't worry about not feeling comfortable right at first. I am thinking of you (((hugs)))
from xxplaydeadxx :
You shouldn't deprive yourself. Eat what you want, when you want. OK?! Ok. =D I'm glad you and May are gonna see each other! I hope it goes well. I love you!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
Thank you. And don't worry about me, I'm ok now. My brain just runs wild sometimes. :( But I'm fine now, really. You wouldn't actually do that would you?! You COULD NOT try to kill yourself just b/c ME! :'( Even if something does happen someday, please promise me YOU won't do anything...:( I love you. Thank you for caring, and helping.
from ethereal-red :
So glad you were able to reconcile with Maya. I hope she comes back into your life and you'll have a great friend. And, yeah, I know NOTHING about Sweden (call me an ignorant American, I know...), so I just assumed your name was Swedish, even though you have slightly darker skin... should've put two and two together, huh? Oh well. :)
from anainsight :
I am so glad you were able to reconcile with your friend. Eleven years ago I had a similar experience with my best friend and we haven't spoken since. It was really awful and I envy you that you were able to get past it all, I wish I could but it takes two. anyway. Just wishing you both the best.
from ethereal-red :
I cheated and went on Facebook. I checked out your profile- you are SO pretty! I love your name, too. So Swedish. :)
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. Kika has gone to wait for me on the Rainbow Bridge and I know I will see her again one day, it's just that right now it hurts so bad. But I'm healing, I've had a lot of support. It's just going to take a while.
from ethereal-red :
I do have Facebook. I'm kind of banned from it for awhile from my therapist (it's a long story) but I'd still love to be your friend on it. My name is Emily Wallner. Go ahead and add me as a friend. :)
from ethereal-red :
Oh, and I've only had Spike since I moved in, which was the end of January. She's still very young, although she's rather large. She does eat a lot. :)
from ethereal-red :
Spike is a dwarf hamster as well. Here she is: http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d145/ethereal-red/100_0009.jpg Hope the link works, if not, let me know.
from ethereal-red :
Your kitties and your tattoo are all equally beautiful! Seeing your cats just makes me want a cat even more. :) Thanks for the pictures!
from xxplaydeadxx :
That's a really good idea. ^_^ *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
Right now I have a butterfly with a few stars around it on my left upper arm. Next, it'll be a crescent moon on my lower back. I'm posting pics later tonight in my entry!
from ethereal-red :
Restricting is just as bad as purging... and not even in a different way. Both harm your body horribly. Like I should talk, I know, with all my restriction lately, but let me tell you I know from experience. There. Now I sound like your mother or something. :( I'm just worried about you. I care. Can I see a picture of your cats if you have any availible online? I love cats and will get one in January. :) The paw print's an awesome idea for a tattoo. Another friend of mine is getting a paw print tattoo as well to commemorate her dogs, which are her absolute life. And not being able to purge because of the tattoo is a good idea, but remember that the tattoo isn't going to be able to stop you forever. You have to find something solid, something deep inside of you to hold onto when the going gets rough. And right now it's rough. I know. You're really suffering. I'm here for you, if you want me to be. My email is silverbean3@hotmail.com... email anytime. <3
from xxplaydeadxx :
No. I think restricting is just as bad as purging. Please don't do it. :(......yeah, Aida's a girl name. She's a sweetie......um. I'm worried about you. I don't want you to be restricting, or purging...Please don't. I love you.
from anainsight :
You might need to take Mickey to the vet, sometimes cats start peeing other places if they're sick. Or his litterbox might not be clean enough - have you checked that? Cats are very finicky.
from xxplaydeadxx :
http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2007-8/1276315/09-01-07_2026.jpg
from xxplaydeadxx :
Well, so far Laila still doesn't like her. But Lainy is fine with her. Dusty [dog] is crazy about puppies, so he's great with her. We haven't had her at home but for like two hours though, b/c we had to come here, to Ms. C's house. So we'll see tomorrow. :) I just sent two pics to the email addy, so I'll upload 'em and give you a linkie to see her. :) [Aida] .............................. *sigh* It'd be so simple if I could just snap my fingers and be in Sweden, and could...ya know... 'take care of' your dad......I hope he has changed, and won't hurt you again.... Just don't be alone with him, ok? I love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Yes. I think you're VERY beautiful. *hugs* Um...the scale thingo. That's not losing control. It's GAINING control. It's saying "I'm getting better, and I don't care about some stupid number." Weighing yourself every day is just gonna make you feel worse. I feel much better w/out seeing my weight. I actually like not having a scale anymore. I was always worse when I had a scale. I'd see the number go down, and it'd make me want to b/p or starve even more. I'll probably send you a pretty long letter, I hope you don;t mind. And I'll TRY to write neatly. :P It's hard to type when you;re smoking. :P I hope you guys have so much fun you just can't even stand it!!! =D ^_^ You deserveses it!!!! *hugggggssssss* I love youuu!!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
:( 119?! That's too small. I'm the same height as you. I'm 246lbs. :'( I'm fat, I know...... Angel said you're pretty. And you are. Like, beautiful. And I know this b/c this morning I was reading your other diary, and saw this picture of this pretty girl. I was like "Who's that?..." Then I GOT YOUR LETTER TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D It made me soooo happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'ma put the pics on my wall. :D Thank you! I printed a lot of pics of me off, and one of my kitties. ^_^ And Haley!!!!! Haley's my girlfriend. I've talked a lot about her in my diaries....Yeah. I'll save that stuff for the letter I'ma write you. =) I can't believe I got it that soon! That's crazy. It takes the ones Georgia sends me....a long time. Like weeks. :( But your's got here fast! Yay! Um...I know it sucks having to retell everything. But if it's what you need, and especially if your dad'll pay, then you should do it. :) K? Do what you need. And do you have ANY idea how fucking happy it makes me to read "I deserve to eat whatever I want"?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I smiled so big. :) You're right. You should eat a whole meat free COW if you want! [that was supposed to be funny.....it wasn't though. :(] Yeah. I guess I'll go. I love you.
from xxsorrowxx :
Hey, the user name and p/w are both me.I would have emailed them to you but I'm using a school computer so it won't let me.I'm glad that I've finally met you.Danielle says that you're very cool.
from x-razor-x :
:) I'm sooooooooo glad he's being nice. But I still want to get him back for everything he's done to you.....YAAAY! I can't wait to get the letter. You sent pics too, right? 'cause I really like getting pictures from people. And I reeeeally wanna see a pic of you. =D No, I've never had soy ice cream...I'ma try to find it though. 'Cause I looove ice cream, but it makes me throw up. *cries big emo tears* haha. Lainy is sitting on my lap just staring at the computer screen, and now my fingers. She's so goofy. It's like she's stoned or something.............hahaha. Her head twitched. Ok. I just realized this note is SO stupid, so I'm doing us both a favor and shutting up. :P I love you. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm so glad you and...monster got along. But N...Well. I want to murder him now too. I know you care about him, but really...I don't think he's good for you at all. :( He's too...urgh. I don't know the\ word. [sorry, i've been drinking...] *sigh* Um. You deserve so much better. I mean it. If he's gonna only think about his WANTS instead of your NEEDS, then fuck him. Seriously. URGH! You have to think about YOU. You cannot. CANNOT. Go off your meds right now. I refuse to let you. Something really bad will happen to you if you stop your medication. And I don't wanna lose you, b/c you mean the world to me. :( I love you...and eating ice cream and watching funny movies with you sounds so fun...except for...I'm lactose intolerant. :P Seriously. So we have to eat something else. :P Hahaha. Um. I need to do an entry now. I'll go...I love you.
from ethereal-red :
I agree with anainsight. And I'm glad your talk with your dad went well.
from anainsight :
This is what I would advise you to do: Get your clothes and leave before he comes home, before he can hit you again. I don't want you to be hurt any more. He doesn't love you, he wants to control you, and you don't love him, not if he treats you that way. You're in love with the idea of being in love. I don't mean to be harsh but I think you should call your mom while you're still certain that he really did hit you, and let her come get you. That is my best advice. It's not your fault that he can't control himself. He's manipulative and controlling, and he doesn't deserve to be called a man. He's more like a childish bully on the play yard.
from anainsight :
Hey sweetie, thanks for your note. I get really, really down on myself when I deviate from my meal plan, especially if I'm not restricting. You're right, it's because my mom always did that to me - "you're too fat, lose weight, go on a diet," etc. I need to be reminded that it isn't true. It's just a hard concept for me to wrap my head around.
from miedema2002 :
OMG that is terrible! N sounds like a childish coward to me! You deserve better. You really do...
from luxelady :
our love is very strong and we care for each other so much - it's just the planning that's getting to be a pain - we should just chuck it and get married at city hall...thanks for your advice though, i agree with you completely - xx luxe
from ethereal-red :
I hope you find a great apartment!
from ethereal-red :
Oh, sorry, I misunderstood you. I thought you went off your meds. I'm glad you didn't! :) And, hey... you can start fresh tomorrow. Tomorrow is ALWAYS a new day.
from ethereal-red :
You need to be honest with your doctor. He can't help you if you're not honest... tell him you're off your meds. He needs to know that.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your note. I think Amy (that's not her real name, btw) thinks that somehow having a baby will "fix" the abusive relationship. Why she thinks that I have no idea, except it pretty much proves to me that she's already gone off her meds because the first thing to go is logical thinking. She's not as young as she used to be, she may also be thinking that her time is running out. I'm concerned for her, but frankly I'm more concerned about an innocent baby being brought into such a dysfunctional situation. She is a free agent, she can CHOOSE not to take care of herself and suffer the consequences, but it's NOT fair for a baby to have parents that are #1 unmarried and #2 unstable. Does that make me sound like a prude? I hope not - I try to keep an open mind always, but there are just some situations that you just have to speak up. Take care of yourself, and remember to keep putting yourself first, and if it's meant to be, the baby will follow after. You're still young and you have plenty of time. Wish me luck on handling this!
from xxplaydeadxx :
You're still REALLY young. You have plenty of time to have a baby. Besides...as much as you'd been purging...you're body needs time to recover. I'm not trying to upset you, I just don't want you to get pregnant, then have to baby get hurt... :( Just give YOU some time to get better, ok? But I think you'd be the best mom in the world, I really do. You'd truly care about your child. You'd never make him/her feel unwanted, or worthless, like your parents did to you. Because you're better than that, and you've got the best heart. I love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
omfg, that's creepy. When I read the part about your fave manics song, I was LISTENING to it. :) That's weird. Um. I dunno. I love 'em all. I loooove My Little Empire. I listen to it on repeat so much. An 4st 7lbs...Um. I love you all the same....Sheesh, I can't choose! They're all amazing! :) Ok. My computer is being so stupid it's not even funny. That's why I haven't sent the addy yet. I wonder how long it'll take the stuff to get here...probably and eternity. :( *sigh* My mom weighs 250lbs. Apparently I'm four lbs lighter than her, and that's IT. But that canNOT be. B/c my clothes, ones that are tooooo loose on me, fit tight on her. There's no WAY those scales have been right! They just can't be! It's so fucking frustrating! YAY! The email sent! =D I love you!
from xxplaydeadxx :
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! I'm so excited! I wanna see the pics and read the letter NOW!!!! :) Um............I've been on meds for a year now. Seroquel for the voices, Celexa for the anxiety. The voices went away, until a week ago. Now they're back. My dr. didn't listen. He said it was just anxiety about having to go to court that was causing it, but that's bullshit, b/c I went to court last Tuesday. Still having panic attacks, and hearing voices. :( So Linda [mom] is making me an appointment with a NEW shrink. So I don't have to see that bastard anymore....Um. Yeah, so the person that said the stuff about my weight was my mom. But she's BIGGER THAN ME! Urgh! She could be a nice mom and try to make me feel BETTER about my fat ass. When I say I need to go on a diet, she agrees, and tells me all this shit I need to do to lose weight. She doesn't say "you're fine the way you are." or anything like that. URGH! It's so fucking annoying! But really, I should expect this from her. She was making me go on diets when I was 8, for fuck's sake. *sigh* I'm listening to the Manic Street Preachers. :) I love those guys. Uh, I'm working on getting a new email addy, b/c mine isn't working for some bitchass reason. So I'll be sending my address soon. :D Yay! K, I'ma work on that now. I LOVE YOU!
from ethereal-red :
Sure you want to go off your meds? You can go on meds that won't harm the baby. Aren't you getting a doctor, Jim, soon?
from xxplaydeadxx :
He better not hurt you in anyway. I'm serious, if he says anything mean to you, I'll find a way to get there someday, and pay him back. I'ma find a way to get him back for everything he's done to you, and if you don't believe me, you're terrible mistaken. I'ma get him back for you. I promise. I love you.
from miedema2002 :
I second Roamany on his comment!
from roamany :
Sweetheart, I'm worried. If you do this it should be for YOU, not for her or him. If you think it will bring you closure, that is up to you, but sometimes there are people in our lives who play big roles, and they are just, plain and simple, bad people. Just because he's your father doesn't make him family, especially after all the horrible things he's done. I love you, and I'm worried that this might not be best, but that is for YOU to decide. Don't let anyone else decide what's best for you. <3 U - M
from anainsight :
Hey, I know that this must be hard for you. I think I've told you this before but I'm going to tell it to you again, just so you'll keep it in mind. You say you have "forgiven" him. But make sure it's the right kind of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't supposed to be for him, it's supposed to be for you. And most importantly of all, forgiveness does not and should not mean acknowledging that what he did wasn't wrong. It WAS wrong. Forgiveness is putting the past aside so you can let it go and move on. Try to keep that firmly in mind so that if he does act like an asshole you won't be upset, you can just chalk it up to "that's the way he is" and move on and not have any more contact with him. I mean, it's always possible that he might surprise you, but just remember what I said about forgiveness. I am thinking about you and I hope that things will go well for you.
from ethereal-red :
Now, that is just STUPID. I agree- that was totally irresponsible! He is NOT a bachelor and can't just go spending his money however he wants when there are bills and food to buy and animals to take care of.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Ok, now that's just retarded. If you NEED stuff, you buy that first. Not a playstation. And how old is he, anyway? 8 or something. A grown man does NOT need a playstation. My 15 yr old brother doesn't have one, nor does he worry about getting one, and he loves playing games....Ugh. Make him go and return it. You guys need the money, not the playstation. He could've gotten that at some other time. I'm sorry he did that to you. But don't let it mess you up, ok? Keep fighting. I love you.
from ethereal-red :
Only you know if you're ready to work or not. N doesn't know that. Only you do. If you don't want this job, don't take it. Bomb the interview on purpose if you have to. You are NOT lazy and don't let anybody ever tell you that! You're in a very fragile spot right now and I worry that a job will just put you over the edge into a place where you do not want to be. What exactly does the job entail? If it's something like washing dishes or bussing tables, that wouldn't be so bad. But, again, only YOU know if you're ready for any kind of job at all. Nobody else.
from ethereal-red :
I'm so glad you have a doctor now. I hope this Jim guy is good.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm coming to see you as soon as I possibly can. I promise. I wish I could just ocme up with a shitload of money and go all over the world and meet all my friends. Then bring them back with me. =] We WOULD have fun. Mucho fun. Laugh nonstop. Do you like to drink? I'm REEEEAL funny when I'm drunk. >=D lalalala....I'm so excited for you. You've taken such a huge step. *squeels* You're the bravest person I know. I mean that. You try so hard, even though things have been absolutely terrible for you. I want to meet you and stay with you and make you forget all the bad....I just can't do it yet. :( But ONE DAY!!! Think about that if it'll help you. One day, we'll get to hang out a bunch. It'll be awesome. And we'll both be ok. Happy. I have to go now. Homework to do. >.< I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from roamany :
I am sooooo incredibly proud of you. Be strong, and I'll be thinking of you <3 U!!!
from ethereal-red :
Congratulations! Getting rid of The Scale was a huge step in me moving forward in recovering. I'm nowhere close to recovery now, but step by step, we'll both make it there!
from miedema2002 :
congrats on throwing your scale away! I'm proud of you! I know you can do this!
from xxplaydeadxx :
i'm so so so so so so so so so proud of you. I know it's really hard to get better, but you CAN do it. you really don't wanna be sick. You've got motivation. your mom, n, friends here. hopefully i can help you in some way.....you could call me....if you want....especially when you feel like throwing up. i could try to talk you out of it...if you even need my help. it's up to you. but no matter what, i'm here for you, k? you know that. i love you so much.
from ethereal-red :
I am so proud of you for even just wanting to throwing away your scale, not to mention having a plan to do it, and to really, truly have a plan to stop b/p-ing. Stay strong, enurta. I am always here for you!
from anainsight :
I am so, so proud of you for being willing to throw away that scale and stop the purging. I had to do the same thing with the cutting. I know it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. You are right; it's your body, you're in control and those voices have no power over you.
from aqualimestar :
Enurta, do whatever is best for you, not for anyone else. Your life is at risk here. I am here for you. If you don't want to talk to monster, you don't have to. I will never speak to my father, and no one could make me. ((hugs))
from bamstroker :
*hugs*
from xeison :
i dont know what to say about him asking if she has heard from you, that could be good or bad. im so sorry that he said that the last time you tried to talk to him and that you felt the need to try and kill yourself. im glad you didnt die though. im glad you realize you should take it slow. i think it may be a good idea to take N or someone in his family with you just to be safe. Just please be careful.
from anainsight :
If you should decide to reconcile with your father (or even if you don't), I'd like for you to think about this. Forgiveness isn't for him, it's for YOU. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, or in any way acknowledging that what the other person did wasn't wrong. Forgiveness is for you, so you can put the bad things aside and move on. I am thinking about you because I know this must be a very difficult time. peace!
from luxelady :
thanks for your note hun...it blows but hearing words like yours helps...xx luxe
from ethereal-red :
I am so glad you aren't going to prostitute yourself for money. You're worth so much more than that!
from xeison :
You never told me that you were put into a foster home, but you did tell me that you had run away. But when you came out, what protected you from being found by your parents? Or is that why you Mother is able to talk to you now? im 16, i would have to hide for 2 years. im not a blessing, im not kind, im not sweet, you just think i am. im a burden, im a failure, im scum. You are the kind one. Thank you for offering to help me, but you cant really do anything for me, other than take care of yourself. Please dont worry about me. The getting by part is good, but needing to binge/pruge to do it isnt. i know its how you cope, but you have to try and find something else, and i know you have tried, but please dont give up. im so sorry that Annie is sick and not able to be there for you. Do you know what she has? Please take care yourself.
from miedema2002 :
Just because Chris said that you will hear voices for the rest of your life doesn't mean that you won't be able to ignore/counteract/cope with them better later on in life. Once therapy starts and you learn affective ways of telling the voices to shut up then it should get better.
from ethereal-red :
I love the movie Fight Club. I want to buy it, and I will. I want to read the book too. Haven't read it yet. And good for you for planning on giving Chris a piece of your mind. You're right, it IS unacceptable that you do not have a therapist and doctor. Absolutely unacceptable.
from xeison :
You have nothing to thank me for, i didnt do anything. May i ask how you have been, it doesnt sound like things were going to well in June or July, have things gotten any better? Thank you for praying for me, that is really kind of you. i really wish i could move in with Danielle, and yes it would probably be better for me, but what about for them? i would just be a burden financially and otherwise. And, i would be a runaway, so the police would be after me too. They have enough to deal with as is, i dont want to ruin their lives when it is going well. i hope you have been taking care of yourself too. <3
from miedema2002 :
I'm glad. :) I think sometimes people come on tough because we are all very worried about you. And we only want the best for you. And I'd hate for you to go through the hardships I did to get better. Like with therapists leaving you and telling you to get out of their office if I refused to act on getting better etc. It's stupid that Peter doesn't know what to do with you, I'm sure you're not the worst patient he's had! But realistically recovery can only come from deep inside you and it will take lots of hard work and time and effort. And there will be times that you want to give up but you have to stay strong and on track. Focus on the here and now. Put the past and the weight concerns and all that aside and focus on your happiness and what you want to achieve in your life. Nothing is impossible. Go for it.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Ooopse. Stupid computer left that note twice. Sowwy.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Heh, I honestly have noooooooo clue why I almost passed out. That's been happening to me a lot lately. I've got ear infections, and people say that might have something to do with it. No, I haven't purged or fasted since like February or March, so I'm doing good there. =] I'm sorry you're doing so bad. :( *hugs you* Is there anything I can do to help? Anything you can talk to me about that's bothering you a lot? Um, everything has been going really good for me. Angel came down to help us, and we're all doing so good. She saved me.=] Well, school just started today, so I haven't had much of a chance to fuck anything up yet. ;) This year should be relatively easy. Two art classes, French [the teacher is awesome, and you don't do much of anything], a document layout design/ spreadsheet app class which is supposed to be super easy, and U.S. History [I looooove history]. The hardest class'll be AP English. Just b/c I suck at writing essays. >.< So Annie's sick...what kind of sick? Is it serious? =S I hope she comes back. You need her. And if she doesn't, I guess that means YOU'LL just have to come live with me too! =D That would kick ass. Ok, I'ma go now. My migrain is coming on stronger. :( I LOVE YOU!
from xxplaydeadxx :
Heh, I honestly have noooooooo clue why I almost passed out. That's been happening to me a lot lately. I've got ear infections, and people say that might have something to do with it. No, I haven't purged or fasted since like February or March, so I'm doing good there. =] I'm sorry you're doing so bad. :( *hugs you* Is there anything I can do to help? Anything you can talk to me about that's bothering you a lot? Um, everything has been going really good for me. Angel came down to help us, and we're all doing so good. She saved me.=] Well, school just started today, so I haven't had much of a chance to fuck anything up yet. ;) This year should be relatively easy. Two art classes, French [the teacher is awesome, and you don't do much of anything], a document layout design/ spreadsheet app class which is supposed to be super easy, and U.S. History [I looooove history]. The hardest class'll be AP English. Just b/c I suck at writing essays. >.< So Annie's sick...what kind of sick? Is it serious? =S I hope she comes back. You need her. And if she doesn't, I guess that means YOU'LL just have to come live with me too! =D That would kick ass. Ok, I'ma go now. My migrain is coming on stronger. :( I LOVE YOU!
from miedema2002 :
But I do apologize for the harshness of the past remark. I'll try and be more gentle.
from miedema2002 :
Well I can only go by what you write! And when you say things like you're not ready yet and you dont want to help yourself then that is how it speaks to me! I went through a shit load of therapists because I was forced too when I didn't want to get better and after awhile they quit on me because they knew I didn't want to help myself! Therapists are people too who get exasperated! And I also have the right to express my opinions!
from ethereal-red :
I am so sorry they aren't able to help you. I guess I just got lucky and found some people who could help me at my worst, and who can still help me now. I hope Annie comes back, for your sake. Where did she go anyway?
from miedema2002 :
All I'm saying is that if you don't want the help and are not willing to help yourself then don't waste peoples time.
from miedema2002 :
Well if you don't want to help yourself then what is the point of getting help at all?? It won't do any good unless you are wanting to get better and willing to put in a huge effort and help yourself. If that is your attitude then just keep doing what you are doing until something happens.
from roamany :
Is your mailing address still the same? I've been thinking of you often <3- M
from ethereal-red :
You did the right thing! I'm proud of you. Best of luck...
from anainsight :
You did the right thing, and don't forget it. I know everything will work out OK, I just do. (((hugs)))
from miedema2002 :
congrats on calling the hospital and getting the help you need. I'm proud of you. I wish you well. I know you will get well. You are a strong woman who is capable of so much. Take care. Love. XXOOXXOO
from miedema2002 :
Take it as a gesture of tough love.
from miedema2002 :
If he yells tell him it's for his own good with the way he's been behaving. You are trying to get help and he expects that, so you should expect the same of him. Show N that you are not afraid of him and that he can't control you and that there are conswquences to making suicide threats to your wife who loves you.
from miedema2002 :
Like I said before. You need to tell a medical professional about his suicide threats and now drinking too much. He could be on the road to becoming an alcoholic. Catch it early. N may be mad at you at first, but I'm sure he'd be greatful in the long run.
from aqualimestar :
I know. It was the first time I had purged in a year... And I won't do it again :)
from ethereal-red :
Yes, I dislike hospitals as well, but sometimes they are desperately needed.
from ethereal-red :
I've got BPD, depression, and eating disorder NOS as well as post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms. If I was treatable and my worst (and I was), you're treatable, and any therapist or doctor that says otherwise is a terrible professional. Best of luck for what they decide.
from anainsight :
Yes, I realize that your doctor and therapist know about the voices, but if they are telling you to kill yourself, obviously the meds are not working. There are literally dozens of different types of meds out there that you can and should be tried on. And in a decent hospital you would not be alone - there would be nurses, doctors and hopefully, groups for you to participate in. Yes, you would be away from your cats and your mom, for a while anyway, but it wouldn't be forever. Dead, however, IS forever. You would surely never see your mom and your cats again. Please just think about telling your therapist about this.
from ethereal-red :
The voices are not real. You need to go to a hospital, and soon... they're controlling you.
from anainsight :
You're intelligent enough to know that the voices in your head are not real. They're called "auditory hallucinations", and when they say they want to kill you, the best and only thing to do is to immediately contact your therapist and/or a doctor or hospital. You need medication to balance the chemicals in your brain to stop this phenomenon.
from miedema2002 :
I second anainsights advice.
from luxelady :
thanks for the congrats babe!!
from anainsight :
when he calls you names like that it isn't true. It's just NOT TRUE. It's called abuse and you don't deserve it no matter whether you purge or not. My advice, for what it's worth, is to GET AWAY from your abuser and don't let him talk to you that way. I hate him for talking to you that way. (((hugs)))
from mixedup :
I'm sorry. :( Know that you aren't alone in the way you feel. Try and enjoy the movie! &hearts
from anainsight :
Thanks so much for your sweet note. You're very brave. I guess I just don't feel that way lately. You are very important to me, too. (((hugs)))
from miedema2002 :
You're sisters purging is not your fault. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour. She obviously has issues that she needs to deal with and it sounds like you have been a good sister, so I doubt it would have anything to do with you.
from miedema2002 :
I also noticed he loves to blame things all on you and not take responsibility for his own actions. I have heard you keep saying over and over "where is the man I married?" Do you think it's not so much you, but maybe it's him? And he seems to oh so love making everything your fault so he pushes this on you as well? If he threatens suicide then there is obviously something wrong and he should set an example and get help. He would expect you to do that, so why doesn't he take his own advice? He is being a fucking hypocrite and you don't deserve that! He is abusive towards you and you deserve better! Let him walk out and focus on your own self-recovery without abusive people around you.
from miedema2002 :
I don't trust your husband as far as I could throw him. That is not right to threaten suicide to make you change! That is blackmail and you don't treat someone you love that way! He has to accept that he can't control you! He has to accept that he can't make you change. Only you can make you change! And you need to make a constant effort and take actions to make yourself change if you want it bad enough. I'm not saying it's easy it sure as hell isn't, but it has to come from you. He can't force you and that fact that he is threatening suicide over you not changing is low, lower than low!
from anainsight :
Yes, I've read the Harry Potter books, but I have to confess that I didn't really understand book #6, and I'm afraid I'll have an equally tough time following book #7. Oh well, it won't be for lack of trying!
from dinosaurorgy :
I'm hoping that you guys can get through this. A marriage is supposed to be a commitment, from both sides, to stick together no matter what. I'd like to hear one day that you are both doing well.
from dinosaurorgy :
Aw. How long have you guys been married?
from miedema2002 :
Also wouldn't he want to help himself so that he could be alive to help you? why would he say that to you knowing it would hurt you to hear that? From what I have read those are not the actions of someone who loves you.
from miedema2002 :
I think you should tell someone anyway. Report it to his doctor or your physician or Peter or someone. It's not fair he puts the guilt trip on you like that! Him wanting to kill himself is for sure NOT your fault! Sounds like he is starting to run out of options on trying to control you or at least making them more harsh and guilt tripping. You do not deserve that!
from luxelady :
thanks so much for your support - take care of yourself as best you can, ok hun? xx luxe
from anainsight :
I don't understand why you have to ask N whether or not you messed up because you purged? Or maybe I misunderstood your last entry. The point is, though, that you don't have to ask N if you're OK. You are OK regardless. If you purged you only hurt yourself, not him or his little brother. that's how you have to think of it. It may make him sad if you hurt yourself. Or it may make him mad, but that's his choice. You don't need anybody to tell you that you're OK but you. It sounds like to me you just had too much to eat; otherwise it was a fun day. As long as you eventually learn to deal with a day like this by some other means than purging (e.g. writing about it, talking about your feelings to your therapist, etc.) then you won't have anything to worry about. I am sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia. peace!
from miedema2002 :
Like EtherealRed said. I wish that I could snap my fingers and make all of us better, but we can't. You have to fight day to day and try to convince yourself that you are worth it and you are strong and you can get through this. Be open to the people trying to help you, like DBT and your therapist. Be strong for your friends and mother and sister and most of all yourself. If you ask me I think you should take your mother, sister, and yourself and leave. Leave all the people who have abused you like Monster and N. Let go of the fear and control they have over your family. Cross the border if you have too. Canada has free health care including seing psychiatrists. It's funded by the government. Welfare and ODSP pension for you mental illness would for sure help you guys get on your feet. Waiting time for Psychiatrists are anywhere between 3-6 months from my experience. If you have friends that would even be better. I would be fucking harder then hell to do. But it's just a thought. I hate seeing you trapped in this situation with nowhere to go.
from ethereal-red :
I wish I could snap my fingers and make the both of us all better. I care about you and it hurts to see you suffer so much. And thanks for the comment... appreciate it. I hope the date goes well too.
from ethereal-red :
I still have faith in you. You can get better...
from ethereal-red :
Hey, don't worry about the job. If you're not ready to work, you're not ready to work. It will come in time.
from bamstroker :
hey, i think it's fantastic that you went and tested the waters. you are very brave and i'm extremely proud of you. it sounds like this has amped up your motivation and now you won't have to speculate about working or doing more when you're certain that right now it's not the best thing for you. just take baby steps. i think you're doing great. :)
from anainsight :
I'm so glad that you are going to give the DBT a try. I promise you won't regret it. And don't worry about the job, the time will come. I'm so proud of you for trying. (((hugs)))
from aqualimestar :
Thank you for that :) Im actually okay right now, good weight wise, I am just really trying to not fall again. It would be a bad time to relapse :( How are you doing ed wise? I hope okay... xo
from anainsight :
The DBT would help you tremendously with social phobia and panic attacks - that's why I encourage you not to totally give up on the idea. And if you can't do the job, don't be too hard on yourself. If it's not the right time, it's not the right time and another opportunity will come along. Just relax and let what will happen, happen. (((hugs)))
from anainsight :
You will appear to be calm and confident to the owner if you actually feel that way. If you like yourself, people can't help but like you. Try to take this attitude when you go to work. I am thinking of you and wishing you all the luck in the world! (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
Good luck getting the job! :)
from anainsight :
Listen, I wouldn't be so frightened of the DBT. DBT is great! You'll get used to the meetings, and, more importantly, DBT is not necessarily about sharing your deepest darkest secrets. What it is about is giving you a set of skills, tools if you will, that will help you when your feelings try to overwhelm you. I was in a DBT group for quite a few years, and I still find myself using the skills even though it's been about 3 years since the group was discontinued. Give it a try, please. And if your new therapist's questions scare you, tell him so. I promise it will get better. I felt the same way when I started seeing Linda two years ago. You'll get used to him. I am thinking of you and sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from luxelady :
thanks so much for your kind note - you are doing excellent, by the way!!! xx luxe
from ethereal-red :
Hey! Congratulations! I am so proud of you. :) Keep up the good work!
from anainsight :
Woot! Way to go for going five days binge/purge free. Keep it up gurl, and don't forget to acknowledge your feelings. If you feel like purging, say so but don't act on it. Like I did last night when I felt like cutting, I acknowledged the feeling but I didn't act on it. I am so proud of you (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
Hey, sounds like my kind of wedding. And I'm sorry for what Monster did to you. He is a monster indeed.
from miedema2002 :
whoops! sorry. When you said "Monster is here" I naturally assumed it was your place. I'm so sorry for what he did to you. How sick!
from miedema2002 :
Oh-no, I'm so worried for you. I don't know exactly what happened between monster and you, but from little bits and pieces through out your diary I can guess it was pretty bad. I'm amazed N let him stay. Please stay strong. Lots of hugs. -Emily
from ethereal-red :
Hey, my therapist says stuff like that all the time. She's just being blunt.
from i-am-jack :
"I'm scared, actually scared of getting better, scared of getting worse. I am afraid of everything." You do not know how much I relate to that statement.
from ethereal-red :
DBT has been very helpful to me. I hope it is helpful for you, too.
from luxelady :
thanks so much - she will always be in my heart...i miss her so much...xx luxe
from roamany :
It's probably anemia and/or hypoglycemia. You need to take iron and try to keep down at least some carbs everyday. I hope you're feeling better soon. Love you - m
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. I still have days when I'm too scared to go anywhere, and I stay in the house with the blinds closed. But I'm getting better, the grocery store is still my biggest hang-up. anyway. Hope you're doing well. peace!
from luxelady :
thanks for understanding - she just means the world to me...xx luxe
from ethereal-red :
He needs help. You need help but cannot afford it. It's not fair. And if I were you, I'd lock your diary up in a heartbeat. He has no business reading YOUR diary. You don't write for others to feel bad for you, and neither do I. We write for ourselves. And I'm here for you. I hope things get better soon...
from miedema2002 :
It looks like your husband blames you for so many things and doesn't take the responsibility for his own actions or how he affects your actions. Maybe if he didn't physically and verbally abuse you and treat you like shit. Then maybe he would realize that you need support and understanding and to be shown that you are worth so much more than all the other pricks who neglected you and hurt you. Not become like the people in your past. I know that you will get better. I believe in you, but you have to believe in yourself. Maybe even try to accept the help offered. I know the psych ward is a hell hole! I have never been to a group home, so I don't know what it's like there. All I know is that you need some long term help by the sounds of it and only you know how to help yourself and what you need. Good luck.
from anainsight :
It's not about him. It's about you and what you feel like you need to say. Lock your diary and don't give him the password. He's nosy for prying into your private life anyhow.
from miedema2002 :
N is upset about what you said about him long ago?? He should have read the more recent entries about his behaviour and how it made you feel! He should be crying about his behaviour! Not your thoughts!
from luxelady :
i wish i truly believed that. thanks for thinking of me though...xx luxe
from xeison :
i see, im so sorry that she has changed into this horrible person. May i ask, do you know why? May ask what things were happening around 6 months ago that may have caused this? i hope you have been ok.
from ethereal-red :
Nothing in particular upset me... I was already upset about money, my weight, and Dr. Vine. I was so upset that my brain stopped working and I automatically reached for the razor. I can't say I wish I hadn't done it. I just... wish it was free of consequences, you know?
from xeison :
You have nothing to thank me for, i really do hope that you are doing ok. It is not fair at all that he will not talk to you about his anger and threatens you with divorce. The only thing i can really think of to do is maybe you can talk to his parents about what he does, and how when you speak to him, he gets angry. You could askthem to talk to him about it. i know you want to avoid fighting someone you love, and i can understand loving someone who hurts you, but it is wrong for him to be doing this to you; it needs to stop. i really dont want to find out one day that he has hurt you beyond repair one day. That thought really worries me. i know you do not think it isworth it to talk it out with him, but if he does this again, which unfortunetly i dont have enough confidence in him to put it past him, then you need to talk to him or do something. i understand that you are scared of starting the cycle again, but keep in mind the fact that even if you do not bring it up the cycle still may continue, at least that is how it has been. i see, you read Danielles notes. Yes, my new Foster family has been hurting me. If you want detail you can read my last entry, but i guess this family did not work out either. You have nothing to be sorry about, it is your buisness as weare Friends. i just really did not want to worry you. It is very kind of you to care about me, i thank you so much for that. It is very kind of you to want to help, but ill be ok. They must be beating me for some reason, which means they need me. That means i can be sure they wont kill me so please dont worry about me ok? ill live.
from phatgrrl :
trust me the beatings only get worse. Do I need to make a trip up north and disapear somebody for you?
from miedema2002 :
You deserve better than to have your husband hurt you like that. That is sick! You should call the cops on him or tell him to leave. You are better than how anyone in your life has treated you!
from ethereal-red :
I detest your husband. I hate that he treats you like shit and hurts you in many ways. I understand staying with him for the money, though. Without his income, you'd probably be stuck in some group home or, worse, on the streets. And I can tell you that group homes are no fun. No fun at all. Stay strong...
from phatgrrl :
I also wanted to say that I see you have Rules of Attraction as a fave movie, have you read any of Ellis' books? I bet you'd like American Psycho lol, my favorite book.
from phatgrrl :
I was on Zip for my temper ("intermidden" explosive personality disorder). I was on that when I decided to go off my meds completely -which was when I started using H, I knew it wouldnt be a good combo. I used H for 2 years and quit my first try, never relapsed, never went back on the psych meds til after the postpartum depression kicked in.
from anainsight :
You don't need him. He's a scumbag for hitting you. You can survive fine without him. I bet half the reason you binge/purge is because of him. Tell him to get the fudge out and take a hike, and if he doesn't like it, why don't you hit him for once. I bet it'd make you feel better.
from phatgrrl :
"What did it feel like to wake up after that?" I was in an ambulance on the way to the morgue and I bolted upright and said "Did I miss x-files?" cuz it was the last season it was on and it was our fave show. I dont remember anything about the time I was dead, I was VERY confused when I woke up but somehow I knew I had been dead. They still had the difibrulation patches on my chest and I was mostly naked covered in a plastic sheet with dried overdose crap all over my face and neck. I made them pull over and let me out because I couldnt afford to go to the hospital, also they prolly woulda called the cops and I'd'a gotten arrested. I walked back to my townhouse in the plastic sheet and got there in time to stop my ex fiance from killing himself with an OD. This was in spring 2002. "Are you thankful or are you angry that you survived??" I was thankful that time but the next week I od'd again, this time my ex knew how to revive me and I came to swinging at him and screaming 'leave me dead, let me die' "Do you still want to die?" I dont fear death but I dont go out looking for it either. It sounds lame but I had a break through reading an Anne Rice novel. In Merrick, Louis (my always fave vamp) tries to kill himself and all the vamps get together to decide if they should kill him for good or heal him, so most of the book is an argument for or against suicide. it really opened my eyes. and then soon after that my brother's best friends little sister hung herself and I went through her brother's grieving so I saw THAT side of it, the aftermath ya know. This all happened while I was still using heroin and was part of what got me thinking about getting clean. "How old are you?" I'll be 30 soon. "Do you suffer from a mental illness?" bipolar and some obsessive-compulsive disorder, and maybe some schizziod tendancies too, I majored in psychology so I learned how to deal with a lot of it and can use it to my advantage now. it really isnt a curse, it's more like super powers. I originally thought I was boderline because I would hurt myself a lot (cutting n burning mostly) but a HUGE part of boderline is the promiscuity and the daddy issues. Bordline PD is one of the most mis-diagnosed issues. I had a really good doc tell me once "well Bipolar and boderline are almost the same thing, so which would you rather be?" also voices and hallucinations are sometimes involved with states of mania (especially if the voices seem to be just one voice, and most peole turn this into an imaginary friend -or foe-, and they have delusions of grandeur, like they're meant for greatness -which really we are!-, read up on the differences between the two, you might be misdiagnosed. Most bipolars have exceedingly high IQ's, it always seems like they feed of each other. What meds are you on? I've been on all of them, lithium even methadone (which led to me being a junky). I was successfully off meds for a couple years before I got pregnant, then the mood swings came back BIG TIME. Ive been on just paxil for a year now and that's been great, Im thinking of trying to get off of it. But I've always been a pot head and recently quit doing that so I wanna see what the paxil is like w/o the weed first. feel free to call me if you ever wanna chat 585-469-4873 also my email is phatgrrlcomx@yahoo.com http://myspace.com/phatgrrl and sometimes I'm on yahoo messenger as phatgrrlcomx
from anainsight :
OK, the next time you go to your therapist, print out your journal and take it with you so he/she can help you get to the bottom of the feelings. I am sending good thoughts to you and hoping that you will be feeling better soon.
from luxelady :
the vicious cycle never ends...how are we supposed to break it?? thinking of you...xx luxe
from anainsight :
Sweetie, would you promise me that you will find you a GOOD therapist, right away, who will work with you and help you? You need to find out what is causing these intense feelings before you act on them. It doesn't have to be all that expensive, you can find good ones where you live. I know you can get better because I have. Even though I still have these bad ups and downs sometimes, even though I still have bad days, I know I'm doing better and I know you can too. If I were not way down here in Georgia, I would give you a hug. peace!
from luxelady :
thanks for the advice honey...i really appreciate you thinking of me. xx luxe
from roamany :
I'm really happy for you :) It's good to hear you in such a good mood.
from ethereal-red :
I'm so glad you had a great time with Kylie and that she made you happy. You deserve happiness! <3
from ethereal-red :
I'm glad you have a friend now. I think that's awesome. I hope you have a great time with Kylie!
from bamstroker :
i'm so happy for you that you've found a new friend. i'm sure she will be very understanding tomorrow and there will be nothing to worry about at all. i hope you have a good time. :)
from ethereal-red :
Well, it's kinda complicated. See, I told my parents I was a lesbian awhile ago and they didn't believe me. So then I was confused for awhile and told them I wasn't a lesbian. Now I know for sure that I *am* a lesbian, but my parents do not know that. They wouldn't believe me anyways. They always think that somebody or a group of people is/are trying to "lead me astray". They'd never accept it. Ever.
from ethereal-red :
Congratulations on not purging or bingeing!
from ethereal-red :
I am so sorry this is all going down on you when you are having such a hard time. You can't be blamed for being bulimic. It's not like you can just stop on command. You do not deserve to be treated the way you are by your husband. I'm here if you ever want to talk. silverbean3@hotmail.com ~Emily
from luxelady :
you are very sweet. thank you. xx luxe
from ethereal-red :
I used to have an orange tabby like yours! I think they're adorable. And I am glad you have a reason to keep on fighting and living. Keep hanging on. *hugs*
from anainsight :
If I didn't have my little toy poodle I would have been dead a long time ago. I understand 100%. Keep on keeping on for your beautiful babies and just remember that they will always love you and need you, and that you are worth everything in their eyes. peace!
from dinosaurorgy :
Yay :D thanks!
from ethereal-red :
You're right. You can't help anybody but yourself... and if he doesn't want to get help, then that's his deal. I hope things get better between the two of you soon.
from anainsight :
You are absolutely right. You can't help anyone but yourself and if he refuses to get help, then that's that. I rather suspect it's more of a manipulative thing of him to say, just to get you to do what he wants. But you have to want to get better for you. Not him, not your mom - just you. That's a hard lesson and I'm learning it right now. I'll be thinking of you. peace!
from dinosaurorgy :
I don't suppose that you'd like to join my little diaryland club (question-it)? It's sort of like unsentletter, only with questions and less anonymity.
from sunnyrain828 :
No, I didn't make my layout. I got it from tdtemps.diaryland.com (Teen Designs).
from ethereal-red :
Good job on not bingeing and purging!
from sunnyrain828 :
Wow! Thank you for telling me. It really helps to know that you are aware that you need help. What scares me to death is when people don't realize or won't accept that what they are doing to themselves is bad for them. It also is such a relief to hear that your perspective on life is not always black and dark. That worries me, too. I'm a natural worrywart. :) My friends say I'll be a good mom, LOL. I tell them, "Or an overly protective one!" I have no problem with letting you read my diary. I'm flattered that you want to. :) I keep it locked because I've written about a guy on there and I don't want him to ever stumble across it. I will e-mail you the username and password. I have one question, just out of curiosity: how old are you? Take care! Love, Stephanie
from sunnyrain828 :
Hey there. I haven't read your diary enough to know you well... Why exactly is it that you want to die? Or what made you become bulimic/anorexic in the first place? I know these are really personal questions and you can choose not to answer them if you want. I don't know anyone personally who is suicidal or has an eating disorder. It's kind of mind-boggling to me... I love life and don't quite get why you'd be this desperate. I hope my questions haven't offended you... I wasn't trying to. Love, Stephanie
from ethereal-red :
I am so sorry about what happened with your husband. He sounds incredibly emotionally abusive, but I know you love him and don't want to leave him. You should not have to choose between him and your mom. That's just not fair. I don't anything about losing the gag reflex, but it does make sense in a physiological sort of way. I hate to see you suffer. Just thought I'd let you know that I think about you every day even though I don't even know you in real life.
from roamany :
You decide what is best for you. If you're making things work with your family, that's a great thing! Don't let anyone decide what's important for you, you are loved!!!
from xeison :
i see, im sorry. To me it seems then too that your hands are tied, i promise i will keep thinking though. im sorry.
from bamstroker :
just clicked on your banner- i never usually do, but yours caught my attention. i only had to read a few entries to know that i understand you very well. *hugs*
from sunnyrain828 :
Hi--I just ran across your diary from a banner. I'm just a college girl but I...am so sorry. About everything--the abuse, the depression, the binging/purging or starving... I'm pretty sure I can't say anything that you haven't heard before...but I believe that you can climb out of this. I am glad you use this diary to write out your feelings in. You have so many faithful, compassionate readers, who you may never have even met, who are reaching out to you from across the world or across the country, who have such compassion on you! I will keep you on my prayer list, if that's all right. For lack of better words--may you rise out of this living hell. Love in Christ, Stephanie
from ethereal-red :
It's probably just water weight. Vomiting really dehydrates you, and now that you are not vomiting (which is a good thing), you would immediately gain some water weight. It should go down again, though. Fear not.
from ethereal-red :
I am 5'3". I look pregnant. People ask me all the time. This is unacceptable.
from anainsight :
You know, I've discovered that the way you can keep yourself distracted and out of trouble with the food is to concentrate on the tasks at hand - whatever needs to be done, like laundry or other mundane tasks. That way, you get done what you need to get done, and you pass the time and stay out of trouble at the same time. anyway. Just thought I would pass that little bit of advice along. peace!
from ethereal-red :
Congratulations! That's a huge accomplishment!
from tobiascobain :
I ran across your diary last night and read every single entry from start to last, took me hours and my eyes still havent recovered. I can relate on so many levels, they may not all be on the same page so to speak but definatly in the same chapter. I just want you to know that it feels good not to be alone and I thank you for sharing it all, the good and the bad...
from bantenhut :
I just got a piece of advice from my dad, and I thought I would pass it along--we learn more from our failures than from our successes.
from roamany :
I know how panicked you must feel, and I feel so terrible for you. Things will be ok, they can't do anything to you at all...just tell them what you think happened and explain the situation the best you can. I hope everything works out ok. I love you and will be thinking of you - m
from i-am-jack :
I got your email, thank you for the password.
from miedema2002 :
May I have access to your diary? My e-mail is emilymediema@hotmail.com Please use the subject -D-land- so I know you are not spam. Thank you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I need your password please. Of course, I have no idea when I'll be around a computer. =[ I love you, please, please take care of yourself.
from i-am-jack :
I emailed you. The subject is "From Jack" in case it ends up in your spam box.
from xeison :
xeison1000@yahoo.com. Have you been ok?
from writergrrl88 :
Writergrrl88@yahoo.com
from dinosaurorgy :
Holy crap?! Locked?!? dinahsore@hotmail.com!!
from xperfume :
hey.. i'd love to continue to read you.
from xeison :
May i ask what the password is to your diary? im sorry i didnt respond to what you wrote yesterday, im going to try and do this off memory, so im sorry if i fail to address something. First of all, like i said, you are beautiful, and im sorry that you cant see it, but you do know it, at least in your head, your heart we will have to work on. Secondly, as for yelling at N in public and being a bad person, you are not a bad person. i will say, that yelling at him in public probably was not the best idea, but you realize that, and that is important, you are human, and humans make mistakes correct? So as a human, sometimes you are going to mess up, but what is important is that we learn from these mistakes right? If yhou beat yourself up over it, you wont learn from it, on the other hand, if you respect that you are a person who is not always going to be perfect, but who can become wiser from learning from this mistake, you will learn and become wiser and become an even more beautiful person than you already are. Note that it is a common misconception that wise people have to be old and Asian and bald :P, on the contrary, wise and beautiful go together almost all the time. Anyways, please just try to understand, and i know that it is hard, but try to see that you are not a bad person, and this is another one of those things that i think you know in your head just not in your heart quite yet. Or as i was discussing with Angel, sinse all technically the heart is what pumps blood, your Amygdala, which is part of your brain controls your emotions, so you should tell Amy G. Dala, that you are a good person, she is tough to argue with, but you are a good and beautiful person, and its important for you to know that and for Amy to acknowledge it. As for the note you left me, honestly, i dont think i really help anyone, i do try, but how effective i am, i dont know. im not really a kind person. As for someone comforting me, i havent really earned that, but Angel does it anyways, she is like an elder Sister to me, though i havent been able to speak with her for days now, so im kind of worried about her. As for my Foster family, i kind of messed things up, so we have been having some issues, but please dont worry about me, im really not worth it. i hope that you are doing alright and have been feeling a little better.
from i-am-jack :
Could you send me a password?
from roamany :
Locked up again? Send me your info if you can. Love you babe - meg
from writergrrl88 :
May I have your username/password? I hope locking your diary is for your piece of mind and not the result of someone happening upon it who shouldn't have. *hugs*
from lightgrey :
may i have a username and password? if you don't want to leave a note you can email it to hollowayannie@hotmail.com thanks <3
from ethereal-red :
What's your username and password? email at silverbean3@hotmail.com or leave a note
from shanmeid :
hey hun'... pls email me ur new pass/user to my work address! <3 u!
from xeison :
You said that you agree with the things they say though. That means you believe that you are fat and hideous, i highly doubt that you are honestly, but i doubt you will believe me, especially since i do not know what you look like, but im pretty sure if you asked someone who is a sincere person, meaning someone who wouldnt just say things to hurt you, they can give you an honest answer, which i bet will agree with what i said, that you are neither fat nor hideous. Also then, are you saying you agree with killing yourself? i really hope you do not agree with that one, because there are people who care about you, and there are still things you deserve to have in your life like happiness, and honestly, you can make it. im so sorry that you are being made fun of by voices. First of all, please know this, no matter what they tell you, you arent bothering me, ok? i consider you important to me and so i try to help you out, and as you remember, i am the one who bothered you, you never asked me to do anything. Second, i do not feel sorry for you, im sorry for your suffering but not for you, because you can and will make it, and like i said, i dont try to help you just because of some random sympathy, i consider you important. im so sorry that it seems to go on forever, i wish i could tell you something that could help you with that, but i honestly dont have any ideas right now, im so sorry. Please take care of yourself, i hope things get better.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I unfortunately have seen NONE of those. =[ I loveee Jay and Silent Bob though. They're so fucking funny! I was wondering, what are the 3 languages that you speak? Tellll meee! =] ♥ Oh yeah! I got my mom's address. =D I'll send you an email. =]
from xeison :
im not telling you to ignore the voices, im telling you to evaluate their comments and then decide whether they are valid or not. May i ask though what they say that you agree with? Are you doing ok? im sorry that what i said was confusing and not very helpful.
from x-razor-x :
=] I asked my mom about giving you her address. She's really cool with it, glad you wanna send me a letter. =] I just forgot to GET the address. =P BUT. I'm going over there again tomorrow, so I'll get it then. =] I love you!!!
from emaciana :
thank you so much for your note.
from xeison :
Ok, you do not have to answer these questions if you do not want to. im sorry if any of these makes you upset. These voices you hear, are they like Danielles where they are just voices, are they like mine where they are full personalities and sometimes take over your mind and you have blackouts in your memory, or are they usually occuring at the same time as your hallucinations? Do you recognize the voices? What do they usually say to you? Do they make you feel a certain way when they speak? Are their multiple voices? If so can yuou describe each of them and tell me how each of them makes you feel? i hope you are doing ok.
from miedema2002 :
oh no no I didn't mean you did anything to deserve it. It is the bad influences in her life and she is letting them influence her. Sounds like there is nothing you can do, but to let her know you love her and wait for this to pass. Hopefully. -Emily
from miedema2002 :
Sounds like your sister is going through a serious rebellious stage. Try and convince your mom to atleast enforce some ground rules if she gets out of hand. In the end you can't change her behaviour and these are mistakes she needs to make, I agree. I wouldn't give up on her. Keep trying to call her, to let her know that you love her and you will always be there for her. How about expressing your feelings to her about how she has changed and how close you used to be? Try to remind her of the good times you had and that you will always be around to have more "legal" fun with when she is ready to drop her attitude. I don't know if you have told her this already, but if not try it. It shows that you are supportive of her and love her, but are still keeping your distance and letting her sort things out. I'm glad things are better with your mom and you. Lots of love. -Emily
from roamany :
Please don't do this to yourself. You're worth more than this. I love you, and if you need anything from me let me know. Thinking of you <3
from miedema2002 :
No I haven't seen that movie. I like the russian songs better to. The russian version of Malchik Gay is definetly better! And there is swearing in it unlike the English version. I wonder what they say? lol yeah they are a good band. They need to make a new English album soon.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Annnd, can I PLEASE have the url to your MySpace?! Orrr...can you send me a request? ohh_sharp_objects I'd really like to see it...
from miedema2002 :
I love your layout. Do you make your own? Did you draw the picture? It's beautiful! What made you choose the name enurta? -Emily
from tofalldivine :
It doesn't sound like some of the people in your life have a lot of faith in you but they should. I think you have a lot of courage because everyday you get up and try even when you don't want to. The hardest thing to do is to try to change and you are doing that. I hope things work out for you.
from roamany :
I got the letter today!!!! Thank you so much for the lucky charm, I put it on a thread right away and am wearing it now :D And I love the picture, I put it on the bookshelf by the bed. You are so beautiful inside and out, and I'm lucky to have you. I'll send ya something very very soon. Love you lots, and thank you so much for everything - megan
from xeison :
You have nothing to thank me for, really.
from ethereal-red :
I really like my doctor as well. Dr. Richardson is a kind, compassionate, very knowledgeable and professional person, and knows me inside and out. I have been seeing him for six years. I enjoy going to see him. He actually cares about me and my problems as well as my successes. So does Dr. Vine, my inpatient doctor. He's just like Dr. Richardson, just quieter and more reserved. I adore them both.
from xeison :
Those are nice names for them.
from roamany :
I know how you feel about the anger...it always makes me self destruct, but try to think about how you'll feel later if you hurt yourself. Maybe you could go to the emergency room and tell them you're having panic attacks, they'll probably give you a prescription for something...I've had to do that a few times. And thanks for thinking of and worrying about me, it's nice to know that someone cares. I LOVE YOU!!!! - Meg
from xeison :
You have no reason to be sorry about my Mother, it wasnt your fault, it was mine. i was five when she was killed. We were in Saudi Arabia, becuase we were trying to flee from my orginal home Kashmir because a lot of my family had been wiped out from the ethnic clensing there. You have nothing to be sorry for, like i said, you can ask me anything. How have you been?
from i-am-jack :
What probably happned with your cats was they were either playing and ran in there, knocking everything out, or they went exploring and knocked things out as they squeezed in. My cats learned to get in my cabinets too. I had to put magnets on the doors so they can not open them anymore.
from xeison :
Yes, unfortunetly Fostercare does suck, thats why i get really scared moving here. i am so sorry about your Friend, that is horrible. My Mother was shot when we used to live in Saudi Arabia after we had fled my original home, but there were problems in that country too with our ethnicity and they killed her. My Father and Stepmother finally abandoned me after my Sister died almost two years ago now, my Father beat me up because it was my fault and then he left and i never saw them again.
from roamany :
You're too sweet and adorable...I read your entry. Thank you for being so good to me : ) <3 YOU!!!
from xeison :
Thank you so much for wishing me good luck. You have no reason to be sorry, you can ask me anything ok, worse come to worse i just wont answer, and i have asked you way too many things that arent my buisness, so you have every right to ask ok? i am not sure how much detail you want so ill put it in simple terms if you want me to elaborate you can ask, but basically, i had a problem with my last Foster family, this one incident made my Foster Father become abusive so i got removed from there. Thank you so much for caring. It has been ok here so far, but what about you, how have you been doing? Have things been going better these last couple of days? i hope you have been doing ok.
from roamany :
You are such a sweetheart!! I'll e-mail you my new address, and I can't wait to hear from you...now I need to get in gear and send YOU something special. <3 U - M
from roamany :
You've been through so much since I've been away, and I feel awful for not being there for you. I hope you forgive me. I know it sounds silly, but you're one of my closest friends. I promise I'll be around from now on - m
from xeison :
You have nothing to thank me for.
from xeison :
im so sorry that your Father did that to you, and i am glad that N and his family helped you and have continued to help you. That is really amazing that you have been able to forgive your Mother, that must have been very hard. im sorry, i didnt realize you two were married or that you were above eighteen, i can see how that complicates things. i know you love him and that is great and i can understand that he can get frustrated with your eating disorder, it is tough to see someone you love destroying themselves, but that still gives him no right to hurt you. i can understand you forgiving him, just please remember even though he is a great person, sometimes great people do bad things and even while those bad things can be understandible, they are still not justified. In other words, if he still hurts you, you should consider whether he is still the person you came to love, if he was sorry as you say he was, im guessing he probably wont do it again, but you would know better than i do as you are the one who truly knows the situation, but know that you never have to live with someone who abuses you, there are places you can go to get help especially for women, and you deserve better than to be hurt, ok? i really hope that he doesnt hurt you again and if you only take one thing from this, please remember to take care of yourself.
from roamany :
I'm so sorry I just left : ( I've missed you so much and thought of you often...I'm trying to catch up on what I've missed with every one. LOVE YOU!!!! And I'm glad you're ok :)
from ethereal-red :
I am so glad you had a good time with them. What kind of dog is it?
from xeison :
im glad that you are determined not to throw up, that is one of the first steps to winning this fight.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks! Did I ever mention how much I love Tori Amos in general and "Winter"? (the quote on top of your profile).
from dinosaurorgy :
:D
from xeison :
You do not need to thank me, i did nothing. Thank you so much for not being mad at me for reading your entry without asking and for allowing me to read your diary. You dont have to say anything, i just hope what i said was able to help you. im not a beautiful person, im sorry. i dont think Danielle is lucky to have me, i have been pretty much useless at helping her. im glad that N apologized to you and that you were able to forgive him. im also glad that you are at least feeling a little better and are ok today.
from miedema2002 :
OMG!! I read your entry. I hope you are ok! Stay strong! Please don't kill yourself!
from miedema2002 :
I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. Maybe you should tell N about your spending habits, so that N can try and help. Maybe he could put a limit on your account or limit access to him until you can get your bulimia and spending habits under control. He could of course save bills and give you money to spend and such. Do you think that would help? Good luck to you.
from ethereal-red :
You must have missed those few entries. I dumped Leon Feb 15th. He was so dependent and I never really loved him in the first place. He was more like a friend than anything. I was just going through the motions with all the intimate stuff. Elizabeth had been in my life for five or six months and that got really complicated really quickly. In the end, I dumped Leon and I ended up having to break it off with Elizabeth as well. My past entries can give you more info if you like.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Aw, lovely. I would adore a letter from you!!! :) My aunt's going to talk to her mom to see if I can give you her addy, b/c I'm not allowed to talk to people over the internet [so says my uncle, so we can't let him know]. My aunt doesn't mind though. We just can't have stuff sent here in case he checks the mail, ya know? Ok, I'm going to email you my pw now. ♥ you.
from shanmeid :
hey hun'... sorry i've been so scarce and now i'm going to be even more scarce for the next month. today's my last day at work and i'll only b back the 19th march. glad u liked ur little pressie. ;) pls take care... and i will try to keep in touch! <3 love u lots!
from ethereal-red :
I appreciate the support more than you know. And, hey, you ARE strong. Never forget that! I believe in you.
from ethereal-red :
I'm sorry the purge-free day did not go well.
from miedema2002 :
That pic on your template scares the shit out of me. Your template has this eery feel to it that gives me the shivers lol it's ok. Good luck with not purging. I hope that you can get the help that you need even if it doesn't sound like what you want it may be a good thing in the end. Be open and consider your options. Later.
from ethereal-red :
Best of luck with your no-purging day! I know you can do it. :) Stay strong.
from ethereal-red :
N seems to be really not compassionate about this issue. He doesn't understand that it's not about being shallow. It's a disorder. I wish he could be more supportive since he's such a big part of your life.
from ethereal-red :
I'd love to have never been in a group home, but I've been in four. They really aren't that bad; it just depends on which one you go to. I can totally understand that you wouldn't want to go to one. Nobody does. DBT has been very helpful for me.
from ethereal-red :
I don't know what to say, only that I am thinking about you. I wish you only the best.
from ethereal-red :
I know I can't stop you. I wish I could. If you die, I will miss you when you are gone. Please stay. Email me. silverbean3@hotmail.com
from billie--joe :
Please!DON'T.DON'T even think bout it noone might not be able to stop you bu twe can at least try.SWEETIE theres people that need you don't do anything stupid please if you need to talk I'm here..♥
from ethereal-red :
I'm always afraid of making people mad, too.
from ethereal-red :
You probably just threw up so hard that you popped a blood vessel in your nose.
from miedema2002 :
You don't deserve to be hit from anyone, especially your husband! And calling you a slut?? That is wrong! You don't deserve that!! You are most certainly not a slut! Sounds like N needs to learn how to be more supportive. He sounds like more of a hinderance lately from what I have been reading. I know you love him, but he needs to learn how to be supportive of you instead of how he's been acting!
from miedema2002 :
Hi, yes it is me on that account. Sorry I usually like to message people on this account unless there is a kind of technical problem with the other one, but sometimes I forget I'm still on the other one and message people back anyway. Which I'm sure can get pretty confusing, so yeah it's me! I'm sorry that you are going through a hard time right now. I hope things get better for you. I have been feeling hopeless for awhile now too and my mom said this to me "Even if you feel like you have lost hope keep hoping and keep trying because every single time there is always that little percent chance that you will make it." So I'm going by that. Good luck.
from repressedgrl :
Hi, I love your writing. Stay strong!
from ethereal-red :
I understand you. You are not alone.
from dinosaurorgy :
You made sense. And, you know what.. it sounds like psych-wards are a place to go crazier in, rather than to recover in. No wonder no one likes going there.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥♥♥
from ethereal-red :
I'm about *this* close to getting admitted to the hospital, too. I hope you don't have to go in.
from getinline :
Sounds like things are pretty bad right now, but at least you are still fighting! Stay strong!
from caged-freed :
Hey, this is just a note to let you know that I'm trying to resurrect C.A.G.E.D. - and I really hope you'll contribute. Check out the updated info, and take care!
from thatgirlx :
Congrats on the four days! That is amazing! Really! I know how hard it is to go even a day without letting your ED take over, and you should really be proud of yourself. You ARE strong. And remember, things can only go up from here, you're on your way, you don't want to jepordize that now by giving up, do you? Keep fighting. Because in the end, I really think it's worth it. ((hugs)) ♥
from miedema2002 :
Please don't OD. This may sound like a copout but you have so much to live for! Think of how N would feel if he ever lost you. It sounds like he loves you and will support you to the end and that is a rare thing to come by in a person. You have so much to live for. Congrats on going 4 days without purging. Try and picture how wonderful it would be once you have your ED under control and eating properly and fighting back to your hallucinations. It will happen I know it will. Keep telling yourself that "It will happen, I am strong, I can do it, I can fight this emptiness because it is only temporary" Keep your goals in mind at all times. Good luck.
from ethereal-red :
You make perfect sense to me.
from billie--joe :
DOn't sat that! `
from ethereal-red :
I know how you feel. I feel the same way.
from dinosaurorgy :
I guess I'll have to look up medical information on it online. When I'm feeling less lazy.
from dinosaurorgy :
No problem :)
from getinline :
Thanks so much for your sweet note :) Hope all is going well for you!
from ethereal-red :
You're right, it's worth a try even if you're scared. So many good things could come out of it!
from lightgrey :
We are going to move in together in about a year. Maybe June or July? We don't know exactly when yet. I guess when both of us are ready. Mainly him because of school and he's living with his brother, so whenever their lease is over. Love you. <3
from ethereal-red :
Ah yes, Zyprexa. I just had the usual side effects- mainly dry mouth. It failed to work well for me, it didn't do it's job for very long, but it works well for some people. I guess it was worth it- I mean, it was worth a try. I had heard horror stories about it as well but I decided to give it a shot anyways. I am quite happy with the Abilify I am on now. No funky side effects, it works great and the pills aren't huge, which is important since I have trouble swallowing pills. I wonder why your doctor only gave you one other option...
from ethereal-red :
I hope this lip ring works for you, and I am looking forward to seeing the pictures!
from ethereal-red :
Can you talk to your doctor about switching anti-psychotics? I know that hallucinating is really scary- at least it is when I hallucinate- and the excessive hunger piece doesn't help your b/p-ing at all. It makes me sad that you're hurting so much. I wish I could help, but I can't.
from billie--joe :
well you no wat you do?tell the darn gay voices to shu tthe hell up!ok sweetie
from de-nos-bras :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Make a wish sweetheart!! hehe :* <333
from sadhaven :
Hello, I just wanted to let you know about this new public diary called "sadhaven." It is for people who suffer from mental illness and/or addictions to vent and express themselves. If you would like to know more take a look around. Thank you.
from miedema2002 :
Happy birthday. Good luck to you in quitting purging. I know you have the strength to succeed.
from billie--joe :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!I'm produ fo you good luck
from thatgirlx :
Happy Birthday!! And good luck... with everything. If you believe in yourself, you really can accomplish almost anything. ♥
from dinosaurorgy :
Wow, I don't know. But hey.. I wish you a whole whopping load of good luck with it all the same.
from billie--joe :
WEll don't
from miedema2002 :
No, problem anytime. I am so sorry for what you are going through. You seem strong though. I know you will beat your ED and your depression one day! I wish you luck.
from billie--joe :
PLEASE!! try to stop and you are loved by them and us!!!!!♥
from open-n-true :
Just wanted to say I love you... for who you are, how you are, what you look like. xoxo
from thatgirlx :
Of course you're scared. It makes perfect sense. You become so accustomed to your eating disorder that the thought of dropping it (which you know isn't going to be easy) is a little unsettling. It's like giving up a peice of your life, something you always had to rely on, a sort of comfort. But I just want you to know, there's nothing to be ashamed of at all. ED's have been so misconstrued in the media, it makes me sad. But it's something that a lot of people have gone through and lot of people have beat. It doesn't make you a bad person. And I know it's hard to admit to it, but you CAN do it. You can beat it just like everyone else who has overcome their eating issues. Just takes things one day at a time. Okay? Good luck with everything. ♥
from billie--joe :
well dang if shes like that you need to stop being her friend
from billie--joe :
Just keep trying i believe in you! ♥
from lightgrey :
Thank you so much. You're beautiful. <3
from imanobody00 :
Don't worry about restriciting babe! Eating healthy foods like veggies is a great idea!! Dont worry about the calories and obsessing, just eat healthy foods when you are hungry. I'm sure you will lose weight from not b/ping all the time hon! I love you, stay healthy and I'm still proud of you!
from billie--joe :
yahh!!im proud fo you
from imanobody00 :
Good job on the 2 days of no b/ping!!!! I'm so proud of you!!! 450 calories is no where near enough though babe! Be healthy and congrats! You are amazing!!!!!!! <3
from thatgirlx :
I just wanted to congratulate you on the two days free of binging and purging. That's wonderful. Good for you! Keep it up. :)
from tofalldivine :
Good luck! I hope it goes well for you.
from billie--joe :
well im happy for you =)I♥U
from xxplaydeadxx :
ok now i've read that last entry. i completely agree with you and n. she just wants more attention. sheesh. *sigh* maybe she'll realize that that's a baaaaaad way to get attention though. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
you'd go completely inane and chase five year olds with wrenches. hahahahaaaa. :P kidding. *hugs* i ♥ you!!!!!
from billie--joe :
im so sorry =( i♥u
from ethereal-red :
I'm sorry that you had to give away your dog, but like you said, it was probably for his own happiness. One less stressor, but I know that you'll miss him terribly. Please don't let this pull you down.
from xxplaydeadxx :
but...if you lose eddie...you might....um. just don't go away if you don't have him anymore. please. i ♥ you.
from thatgirlx :
i really can relate to your last few entries, about your dog. i feel the same way, pretty much, about my dog. i love her so much, but sometimes i think she would be so much happier with someone else. she has some behavioral problems, too. she barks aggresively at strangers, tugs on the leash when i walk her and even tries to run after cars sometimes. plus, half the time i don't feel "well" enough to walk her. i don't remember when the last time i DID even walk her was. :( but i think... i think... if you're giving your dog all that you've got right now, even if it's not much, i think your dog is probably pretty happy. they're really not all the picky. as long as they've got someone who loves them (and feeds them,) that's all that really matters. i hope all works out for the best. ♥
from billie--joe :
aww try to train him dont give him up and if you do well i no you will anywasy but makesure they are nice peopke i love you bye! ♥
from imanobody00 :
No, you are beautiful... in every way. Your notes make me smile, especially now. Thank you for your sweetness, I wish I could take away all your pain.
from billie--joe :
you better eat ♥ ♥ ♥
from billie--joe :
*i agree* ♥
from ethereal-red :
Yeah, Remeron works pretty well. On a 0-10 scale, if ten was seriously-about-to-commit-suicide depression and zero was no depression, I'm at a 5 right now. That's the best I ever get, no matter what med I take. I'm satisfied with Remeron. I take a few other meds to augment it, though, too, to make it work better- Lamictal, naltrexone and Abilify. I have Abilify (diff. dose than my regular Abilify) and Ativan as PRNs as well. I have a patch, Daytrana, that is methylphenidate- a narcotic stimulant, in other words, that helps keep me awake during the day. I take a nose spray for incontinence (thanks to Clozaril, which I no longer take), too, but that's not a psych med.
from xxplaydeadxx :
new pw: stay; out...kill this please. i ♥ you!
from shanmeid :
Hey hun'... I got the slip today to go fetch my package at the Post Office. Can't wait! So excited! How you been? By the sounds of things, getting there! Your kitties are so cute. Love you lots! <3
from imanobody00 :
Nope, I dont go to a therapist. I have been seriously considering it lately, I just do not want my parents or friends to find out anything. I went to one once, and she told me I was fine... granted I didnt speak to her and that was 7 years ago. I do not think I'm bi-polar. I am still thinking about seeing someone though. Thanks for your concern babe, you are too nice to me!
from xxplaydeadxx :
=( sorry...well, maybe this will help. maybe this is what you've been needing. i hope it does. i hope things get better. ♥
from imanobody00 :
You are so sweet to me. I would give anything to take away your pain. Eat to be healthy honey, you are beautiful inside and out!
from xxplaydeadxx :
thank you!!! that made me so happy. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
yeah...i feel like a loser now. =P yep, it's working. it did that with another one. it made me so upset though because i get worried when i don't know what's going on with you. =S you're welcome! my diary's boring though. who wants to read a retarded little 16 year old's diary? well, i do, but that's 'cause i am a 16 year old retard. =P heehee. now, let's forget my stupidity for a moment. you're doing good. yes, you're going to have some setbacks. but i completely agree with the goal thing. just slowly take the number of times down. 'cause if you try to just up and stop, it's NOT going to work. the end. won't work. but if you just take it slow, eventually, you'll get better. whatever better is...i KNOW you can do it! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
where'd your diary go?!?!?!?!?!?! it isn't showing up!!!!!!!! ='( noooo! make it come back! *cries* aaaw now i really AM sad. =(
from xxplaydeadxx :
dead and dead. =) you're so welcome, lovey. ♥
from ethereal-red :
You deserve better. Way better. Nobody has the right to treat you like that. I know that burning yourself with cigarettes isn't a good thing, but sometimes I wish I smoked so I could do the same thing. You can find ways to get away from him. Nobody should have to put up with the shit he's doing to you.
from billie--joe :
hey listen to me ok i love you and im hear for you i dont wan tyou killing yourself or burning yourself ok and dont listen to him ok hes not right dont listen to him ok and dont keep telling youself that ok and dont give the dog away you need him he loves you as much as you love him ok adn i no ive used ok and dont alot i just relized it but still ok i love you bye and if you ever need to talk im hear ok bye <3
from anainsight :
Hi, thanks for your note. If it weren't for my friends I don't know how I would survive. It will just be hard for me to believe that I'm not ugly, but I'm working on it. peace!
from ethereal-red :
DBT has, so far, been helpful. The contract, for me, is very difficult to keep, and I do break it now and then... not because I just feel like it, and not because I don't value the contract and try desperately to keep it, but because I get so disregulated that I end up hurting myself... or purging... stuff like that. DBT is hard, intensive work, and it's difficult. However, in the long run, it's supposed to help me a lot... and I know it will if I continue to work my ass off on it. Sorry about your grandma. :(
from billie--joe :
im really sorry :( (runs away with tears in eyes) <3 i love you
from ethereal-red :
Stopping the binge-purge cycle is so difficult... it sure was for me. You know that, I'm just reiterating it. I understand your pain, and how that bowl of cereal and toilet beckon you. It, for some reason, is always Cheetos or potatoes for me... don't know why. I hope that your ulcer will heal- that's got to hurt terribly. Best wishes, Emily
from billie--joe :
im sorry and keep trying :( <3
from roamany :
I'm getting a really simple Ganesha on the back of my neck. I'll be cheap and it's just simple and pretty. And hey, I LOVE YOU!! The reason that people love you so much is because you are a wonderful person. You've helped me more than I can say and I love knowing you if only in this small way. I know it's easy to lose your identity, but you're still in there. I could make a list of things that you are and aren't, and it's a long one with all good things. Again, much love you you, and I will certainly send you pictures : )
from xxplaydeadxx :
=) gooood. i'm glad you feel better. i'm glad i can make you feel a little bit better. <3
from imanobody00 :
You are such a great person, I have never stopped thinking of you and never will!!!! Take care of yourself honey.
from billie--joe :
ah im so happy for you and thanx for the note love you bye
from billie--joe :
do wat you want with it and take the animals with you if you go on a trip o crap i forgot the doggy was hurt well you do wat you want with it i agree i wouldnt spend it something i dont need or would regret spend it on wat you need ok love ya bye
from billie--joe :
domt say that ok i dont want any thing happening to you ok and so wat if you are always hungry i have done that before it will pass well better go love ya bye
from billie--joe :
hey dont say that ok they love you and i love you i dont want anything to happen to you bye<3
from billie--joe :
omg im sos so sorry is he alright i hope he gets better love ya bye love the doggy to :)
from anainsight :
"If I were not such a bloody coward I would have done it years ago. Too scared to live, too scared to die. I am pathetic." These are words I wrote awhile ago. I don't think I feel that way right now. I hope that you don't either. But if you do, I will send some healing light your way and hope that the darkness will lift for you. peace!
from xxplaydeadxx :
=( no. i don't have any new stuff. you're so very welcome for the note. =) so. how are you? <333
from xxplaydeadxx :
that is such a great song. i missed staind in concert yesterday. =( anywho...i love you bunches. and you deserve all the wonderful things n's parents do for you. your parents suck ass. they do. n's parents see you for the wonderful person you are. and i do too. <3 *hugs*
from billie--joe :
aww that was so pretty
from billie--joe :
awwwwwwwwwww there sooooooo cuteeeeeeeee
from roamany :
Hey, I'm senging LOTS AND LOTS of LOVE and HUGS your way - Meg
from petit-espoir :
**lots of hugs and love your way**
from rejazz :
ohh. i'm sorry i didn't see it that way. i think when you are both ready for a child, you should have one. not because you want something of N that will be here when you are both gone. but that is just my opinion. i personally would never even think of bringing another child in this world especially with my dna. aha!
from billie--joe :
no you dont need to stop taking them i dont want you to get hurt and your not FAT and so wat if you gained a little wait from those pillls your not fat and you dont need to stop taking them please dont
from billie--joe :
its ok that you got confused and you have me and other people and dont say that k love you lots <3<3<3
from billie--joe :
im sorry (and DON'T SAY THAT) becaus e i fsomething happens to you i will go crazy and cry and break things and then i will bring you back and beat you!!!!!!!! And just over look him hes going through a butthole stage love ya bye
from billie--joe :
aww that was so pretty it made me want to cry(tear):(:)<3<3<3<3
from billie--joe :
awwwwww their so cute and adorable i want one!!!!!!well loev ya bye
from i-am-jack :
You are going to have some beautiful striped kittens.
from moreendless :
Just...an abreviation of "hello."
from moreendless :
'Lo.
from roamany :
I worry about my kitty the same way, it's not silly at all. I've always been like that... so don't worry, you're not alone. <3 M
from dinosaurorgy :
OOo! Thank you, sooo much!!
from dinosaurorgy :
I was thinking that I'd make a painting of it a while back, so I had saved it -- but sometime since then it's been deleted off of my computer. Would there be any way that I could get that one from you?
from dinosaurorgy :
I hate to sound like a dork, but you wouldn't happen to have that picture from Lilja 4-Ever (the one of the man pulling her arm) still, would you..?
from roamany :
AWW BABIES!!!!
from calmish :
I think I speak for everyone when I say aaawwwwwwwwww! So cute! lots of love, xx
from roamany :
You hold on too love.
from calmish :
You seem to have been a bit happier lately, I'm glad for you, and I hope it carries on for a long time. lots of love, Jo xx
from open-n-true :
I miss you too, Enurta and I always wonder how you're doing. Entragian pissed me off saying those things about you so I left a blunt note for that person. I am not one to judge others but I will stand up if something isn't true. Take care of yourself, little one. xoxo, Ope
from de-nos-bras :
i miss you...havent been here for awhile but kept reading your diary ofcourse.. life's hard, we cuurently are in war (here in lebanon) but hey, gotta survive it proudly. i'll talk to you soon..till then', take care of yourself babe <3
from roamany :
Thank you for understanding. And you don't have to pray, I myself am just trying to think good things. It has gotten even worse, though. They are targeting civilian areas and it's horrible. Thank you again for your caring and understanding, it means so much. <3
from roamany :
Thank you honey. I know the nice are few and far between, but they do exist. And for the record I adore you for you, don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Loving you <3
from dvlsh1 :
youre welcome doll =) keep smiling.. mia
from roamany :
I hate it when little things go wrong and it seems to ruin the whole day. Try not to think about the weekend, and just be careful. I <3 U.
from roamany :
Oh hey, I left that creighton a note. I love you<3
from roamany :
Ignore the evil bastard. Some people are just rotten and beyond redemption. You are loved. Try to remember that. I'm with you- Meg
from entragian :
i just think you're insecure and selfish. you seem like you feed off other people with you so called sickness and it seems like you play the "poor me" card because you don't feel like anyone will stay with you unless you act like you need one. in my opinion, you rule people with pity. which is okay until you're like fourteen years old...then it starts to become redundant. i'm sorry to say, if you believe your doctor when he tells you that you're mentally ill, then you are very ignorant, because 85% of the time, he is making money off of you popping placebos. look at the statistics. though i know i'm ignorant to your life entirely minus your insecure writings, but i don't really care. i've been through the whole starving myself- because everyone hates me- and i cut myself deep all over my body because i'm ugly and worthless- stage. i know, i know, "then dont read my diary"...but when i see something that angers me, i say something, because i'm the type of person too...in all honesty, it seems like you're promoting your mental instability and sickness, and it sickens me, and i see this crap everywhere. i wish i could just rip all people like you from your lives and put you on the streets of brazil, where you are raped and beaten on a daily basis by law enforcers, or take you back into time and put you in a concentration camp...then i think you would have a reason to pop pills. but you never know, i could be wrong, your life could be just like that, or was just like that. i don't expect a response, and i dont really want a response, but w/e.
from entragian :
i've been reading your diary for a while. you're very sad. i'd ask why, but that's probably too bold. despite that i'm reading your diary. idk. i don't believe in sadness as a sickness. then again i dont know much about you. <3
from roamany :
I'm actually feeling oddly ok. I know things will work out, but I always love hearing from you. Much much much LOVE!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
I HAD a dog a couple years ago but when I moved in here (with my aunt&uncle) I didn't get to bring him. :( I loved that dog so much. We had 2 dogs here but our psycho neighbor lady threw these huge fits about one so we got rid of him and then the other because...I'm not completely sure why. :( I actually loved them. :( whoa that's a bunch of sad faces. I want some happy ones. :) :) :) There. Much better.
from marinka-mp :
Hi there. I love your banner. I used to love Kurt Cobain. And thats one of his quotes.
from roamany :
I appreciate your kindness more than I can say. Thank you <3
from i-am-jack :
Well right now I am not planning on leaving. If I was, I would have come right out and said it. I want to start writing regularly again, but I can not seem to somehow.
from roamany :
Yeah, somebody got into it. It's beyond me. Still missing you. Lots of love : )
from minstrelite :
I've found there are some good forums discussing BPD on the net, particularly at http://psychlinks.ca -- a friend of mine also thought I was Borderline, but on reading the symptoms, I think he was mistaken. I was diagnosed Bipolar One/Hypomanic several years ago, and that seems to make more sense to me. I hear the two are often cross-diagnosed. Good luck to you.
from fan4 :
You're welcome.
from xself-imagex :
my new d-land is: lightgrey
from choose-life :
i dont feel like imagining how it is to be trapped in there but i love it! a bee is not as terrifying as a spider and not as girlie as a butterfly. i found it in a little crafthouse, 150 bucks.
from dinosaurorgy :
Well, at least you had a clear diagnosis. My roomie figures that I should go get checked out for BPD too, but having read the DSM IV Criteria you posted in my notes, I think that if I have something, it'd be something else.
from de-nos-bras :
you're one of the girls i always think about everytime i sit on the pc. cant actualy stop reading you bcs i feel this kind of connexion. i don't really know how to help you..but all i can tell you is that you mustnt survive life, you should live it instead. you should be stronger than your problems. i know that talk is cheap..but i always try in life. i love you..truly. <3333333
from small-one :
hi. i just read your entry about not being able to understand why your father can't love you...and i just wanted to let you know i can relate. it's my mom who hates me. she always has and i can't figure it out. my therapists have all told me that she is the one with the problem, and that "some people just aren't capable of empathy and understanding." but i'm having a terrible time buying it--it seems like there should be something i can DO to make her like me. and i don't even know WHY i want her to like me! she's horrible to be around! it often makes me feel crazy. i don't have any answers, just something ugly in common. -shawna
from iliveforthis :
Hey- I just came across your site and I've read a bit of your diaryland. I don't want to say what everyone else says and tell you things will get better because that's up to you to decide-but I think that writing helps people through things and you should completely ignore rude comments that people send you and keep writing anything you feel. Fuck'em. They don't know you. I hope you find a bit of happiness and that you can begin to enjoy your life-I don't know you but I'm sure you're worth it-most people are. I wish you lots of luck with all your meds and doctors appointments. Something will begin to help!!
from roamany :
Oh, the kid was that person from work I let crash at my house when he was down and out...then wound up staying here for almost a year. I am glad he's gone, finally!!
from roamany :
Hey lovey, I'm still here. I wish you could see what I do when I see you. I know that's impossible, I've tried it myself...but nevertheless...you ARE a wonderful person. You need to worry about yourself before you worry about everyone else.Hugs n' kisses<3
from amazinfuckup :
Aw jeez, I can't believe I misspelled "stranger". That is what I get for drinking, I guess. Anyway, thanks for the add, and no problem. <3
from amazinfuckup :
I know I am a strainger, but try not to worry about being better in the future future. Just work on being better today. It's advice everyone skips over, but it really does help to take things in small steps. I hope things work out for you.
from shanmeid :
Can anyone ever totally be cured of depression or what we've been through? I understand that it never goes away but with strength and courage a person can work towards a normal life. But that doesn't mean that the underlying feelings aren't there. Annie is unrealistic. She shouldn't be telling you she can cure you. She should be helping you to live normally even tho' you have the feelings you have. I'm mummbling! I love you sweetie and you shouldn't be ashamed of what you're going thru'. Feeling ashamed will just make it worse. I know! Not in what you're feeling but with things I go thru'! Big hugs! <3
from roamany :
I'm sorry you've had to go through this crap too, but I am glad that I'm not alone. Thanks for the note, it really has made me feel much better. And thank you for always being there for me when I need it most <3 you
from roamany :
I'm so sorry, I feel like a complete ass now!! Well, I still care about you, and that's the important thing anyway : )
from roamany :
Happy Birthday love!!!!I knope it's wonderful and that you get the happy things you deserve. <3
from i-am-jack :
People never used to take me seriously when I said no either. However now I tend to back it up with an underlying current of hostility. People take notice. I have gotten much better at making people who make me uncomfortable, even more uncomfortable. People wonder why I seem to have this chip on my shoulder, and seem to over react alot. Anger is heard.
from roamany :
Wish I was there with you I hope you feel better soon sweetheart <3 you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from xself-imagex :
i've been seeing a psychologist. i am trying to get better, it's just so hard sometimes. i don't know if i'll ever truly be "better." just in remission, maybe. anyway, thanks for the comment. <3
from choose-life :
i think we were both reading each other's entry at the same time. lol
from shanmeid :
That really wasn't your fault. Sometimes people just thrive on taking advantage of others honesty... I'm glad you found out tho' and that little Sarah isn't suffering. I'm sure Tom will lighten up having her around... *hugs*
from i-am-jack :
That is fucking horrible, but I am glad you found out and got her back. What the fuck is wrong with people. They deserve to be thrown out without food or water. See how they like it.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad I could make you feel a little better. If I can relate to someone even in a small way, I try to tell them.
from i-am-jack :
My past was not as bad as yours, but I know that feeling all too well, of just wanting to wake up and not be you anymore. Back when I lived at home, I always envied the outsiders. People who had nothing to do with the regime back at home, and I wished I had been born out there, and not in here. I always thought that when I finally escaped I would magically forget or not care anymore about the previous 20 some years, because they were gone now. But we both know, that is not how things work. I wish I could say something to make you feel even a little better.
from shanmeid :
hey, thank you so much for the beautiful brooch ;) it really is very pretty and I can't wait for an occassion so I can show it off to everyone =D love you lots!
from dinosaurorgy :
I hope that things go well between N and your mother :)
from shanmeid :
hey babes, I got the notice yesterday to say I can fetch my package ;) yay!
from roamany :
I love you : ) Things are getting to be ok on my end, so I'll probably be able to send you a package soon!!! I hope you feel better soon. Know that I am thinking of you<3
from shanmeid :
You don't deserve to be treated like that and you do need to be honest with him about it. Don't just accept your fate sweetie, you have the right to stand up for yourself. <3 *hugs*
from perfect-10- :
you dont deserve to be abused (emotionally or physically). You deserve kindness, respect, love, and friendship. DOnt short change yourself!
from roamany :
You deserve to be treated like a princess by everyone in your life. You are unique, you are beatiful, and you are so kind. You really have helped me, if not for you I may have vanished already. Sorry the package is moving slow, I don't have much money just yet, but I promise I'll get it to you. Try to remember how wonderful you truly are. Much love<3
from roamany :
It means more than you know to have someone behind me, helping me every step of the way. I've never had anyone treat me with the love and respect that you do, so thank you...for EVERYTHING!!! I'd say just keep on swimming, it really is theraputic and it challenges your whole body. You ARE beautiful, and I know it!! I love you so much, and thanks for always being there for me <3
from shanmeid :
;) sounds like a conversation between Fish and me. shanmei: love, do you think I need to lose more weight? fish: no, you just need to excercise and tone. shanmei: but my thighs are huge, excercise won't shrink them. I have to fast. fish: (pulling hair out) see it your way, but you're being silly... ;) I just wish we could see what they do. It's driving me crazy that I can feel my clothes are loose but all I see is fat and more fat and then I'll get pissed at it and eat and eat more. It's a no win situation. But yeah, the best choice is excercise and a moderate diet. B: toast or cereal L: salad w/ chickpeas or lentils D: veggies w/ brown rice, lentils or soya. Simple! Love you! *hugs*
from choose-life :
go to the gym, exercise while maintaning your diet, after all, food is one of the most pleasureable things in life. plus exercise releases endorphin, it's a win win.
from roamany :
You are so sweet to me. I still owe you a package, but it's slow coming...sorry. I don't know what I'd do without you. I absolutely adore you and I guess when I'm not worried about you you are about me. Seems like a fair trade off and on. I love you and appreciate the support like nothing else. Love you- M
from shanmeid :
I replied to your mail... you're such a lovely person... thank you for being my friend. It's amazing how someone who's never met me can treat me with more respect than people I've known all my life. <3
from roamany :
It makes me so happy to see these wonderful things coming from you : ) I really hope it stays this way and I love you<3
from shanmeid :
yes you do deserve to be happy! all the time. I love you! <3
from cuttygyal :
thx a lot for ur comments. but it's really hard for me to describe these feelings.
from shanmeid :
I'm sorry sweetie... sorry that everything is always bad for you and you don't deserve it! All I can do is tell you that I love you and I wish you'd get better and be stronger so you can stand up to everyone! <3
from rejazz :
aw. the kitties are snuggling!
from roamany :
I love you so much, you are always so sweet to me when I need it most. I wish we lived in the same place too, then we wouldn't be so alone. I'm worried to hear about M moving back. I hope you'll be ok, just protect yourself any and everyway that you can. Love you - Meg
from shanmeid :
please look after yourself <3 you need to stop telling yourself that you're going to die. I wish you could see what everyone else sees ;) I love you! *hugs*
from choose-life :
just wnat to tell you that you're beautiful, and i'm fcukn' high right now but i mean waht i said
from deathred47 :
I've edited my site. Thanks again. ♥
from deathred47 :
Because, there are people out there who aren't ready to let go. I know what its like to still want it, need it, you have no choice, and to want help with "tips & ticks" but can't find them. - You need to hold on to ana for a bit longer. It's denial. It drives you. And it's even harder to explain. I keep those on there for those who need them. & letter from ana is for interest and curiosity. http://www.silent-screams.org/ed
from shanmeid :
You're still trying escape him in your real life now, and you can't get away. Even tho' you're an adult and you're married and he has no control over you, you still see yourself as being trapped and continuously being hurt by him. You need to let go and tell yourself he can't hurt you anymore and he'll get what he deserves one day. You just need to be strong sweetie and believe in your right to be happy and free without being afraid. *hugs* <3
from deathred47 :
I had to delete your note. So, incase you wonder why, it's because I don't want a certain person to read it. :) You did however help me to see it in another perspective. I'm sorry about your little sister. It's hard. That's the reason for the site. It's meant to help. Sure, there are tips and tricks, but I've had other ana sites in the past, and they have helped quite a few people, even to recover. It contains information about the diseases and the risks behind them. I try to help people find out what the don't already know. HELP. Thanks though. I think I will edit a few things now. You're a great sister, and friend. ♥
from deathred47 :
Hey, i've created a new site! ana-candy.diaryland.com. Love yah! Sorry, I've been away so long. How are you? I just started updating my diary again. I missed everyone. :) ♥
from shanmeid :
hey babes... you shouldn't let your mother intimidate you... just tell her life is hard. Does she want to donate some furniture??? ;) Love you!
from amongst :
i'm not trying to hurt you on purpose. and i wont read your journal from now on. the only reason i read your updates is because your old diary was on my buddy list. & i don't mean to fucking hurt you. it's so frustrating reading this victim shit because we are all here writing for the same reason. one day you will read back on your entries and realise, wow i was in a huge rut. i should really TRY & get out of it.
from roamany :
I love you I love you I love YOU!!!
from shanmeid :
hey babes... I never seem to get to read everyone everyday anymore. Work is hectic and my internet doesn't work on my computer :( I'm sorry! Thank you for your congratulations. It would be grand if you could come to the wedding... what a dream! ;) I hope all's g'd and well! Love you lots <3
from open-n-true :
All I can say is what a moron. Write whatever the **** you want to! Sending lots of xoxo
from emaciana :
omg... that note is horrible! i wish you could delete it. i'm sorry for people who treat others with no consideration. we love you!
from writergrrl88 :
I'm sorry that some people are not being kind. Please know that there are warm, kind thoughts with you. I wish you well, and hope you know that (overall) diaryland is a safe refuge. *safe hugs*
from de-nos-bras :
stay strong bella <3333
from amongst :
I suppose you have enough time to write an entry explaining what the hell is going on. It seems you're dying over & over again every fucking day & it's so confusing. & put some more pics up of your new kitty. j
from roamany :
Not a stupid question at all my dear. I'm holding on, and it's only because people like you genuinely care. It's been hard on this end lately, and I know it's been on yours as well but I find a comfort in knowing that in a strange way we're connected by all this pain. I'll get started on your scarf tomorrow : ) Love you lots - M
from roamany :
I love you dearly, just want to let you know. I've started knitting again and feel compelled to send you a scarf so let me know which colors you like <3
from open-n-true :
you are so sweet thank you! i remember what you look like from your old DP blog and you are beautiful! please try to be strong and just focus on taking care of you so you can get better. don't know what's going on over there but i believe you! xoxo
from roamany :
I believe you. I believe in you. I hate to see you hurting, and mostly I love you.
from writergrrl88 :
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with him. He needs to treat you better. You deserve to be treated well, loved, and respected. *safe hugs* Take care, and let me know if I can do anything to help.
from choose-life :
comenslapme@hotmail.com i attempted emailing you but it bounced back.
from emaciana :
you sounnd so sad and down... i wish i could do something... just hang in there, everything works itself out someway...
from choose-life :
i asked because as i uploaded my picture i thought about the picture of your kitty and i began to wonder if you ever put your picture up on the blog, curious is all, don't worry if you're not comfortable with it.
from choose-life :
do you have a picture of yourself?
from shanmeid :
She's gorgeous ;) <3 sparkly eyes and so quizzy! Very sweet! And you're right, N is the best! <3 *love you*
from emaciana :
OMG she is so cute!!! and she sat still for the picture. my kitty never does that.
from xself-imagex :
Ohhhh, that is such a pretty kitty. I love cats so much. I don't know where the hell I'd be without my precious little angel cat. :)
from dinosaurorgy :
That must have been so terrifying - I almost want to thank that policeman myself, having read your newest entry!
from open-n-true :
I'm pretty disgusted at the world myself so I have nothing good to say except that I care about you and that I love you... xoxo
from roamany :
I definitely don't blame you. That is really terrible of them, and I wonder how they operate on such a lame program as that. Try to find something more related to your specific community...that might help if you're still looking to do some volunteer work. Good luck.
from shanmeid :
...that just sucks... when all you want is to make a difference and they try to exploit it into making money. I think that's disgusting! Don't let them get you down babes... <3
from dinosaurorgy :
I know what it's like having charities phone when things have fallen on hard times. When my family was depending heavilly upon welfare checks, I swear, that was also the time when the charities did most of their begging.
from hip-bone :
My older sister is just like you. I wish she my mother sometimes, instead of my real one. She is the only one who could ever understand our up-bringing and will always be there for me when I need her. Hold on to your sister.
from shanmeid :
aah babes... if you can't get the envelope pls don't stress... I'm not impatient and I'd welcome your letter at anytime. There is no expiry date on reply's and friendships. ;) The Red Cross thing sounds like a good idea. And pls take care of yourself... careful with the pills. I don't want to lose you! No one here wants to lose you! <3
from open-n-true :
you know, if it's anybody's fault it's your mom's for having kids w/a pedophile. if she didn't know back then, she knows now. and because of how your father is, it's HER obligation as a parent to help you thru it.
from xself-imagex :
I think that is so very sweet of you. I think it will help you a lot. It gives you a purpose, if you feel like you don't have one. I hope it goes well.
from roamany :
I think that's a great idea. You might be suprised at how much it helps you as well.
from roamany :
I hate living this way too. I don't know how you keep it up or how much longer I can. <3
from shanmeid :
sweetie... purgings not healthy and it just makes you feel shitter bout yourself... take care! <3
from open-n-true :
hey you don't need it. you just think you need it. think positive like: you're getting better everyday. slowly by slowly. you are fine. you are handling fine. i definitely know you're a fine person. meditate with me to feel all my good thoughts across the oceans.. xoxo, Ope
from shanmeid :
Damn right... you DO deserve better, and it's so good to see you write that, because you DO! I just hope you believe it tho' hun, cos theirs nothing more important right now than for you to believe that you deserve to have a good life, and have people who love and respect you!!! Don't let your sister walk all over you... she's a child and is only motivated by childish things, but at the same time she is your sister and you need to help her see that it's not just about her and what she wants all the time! BTW: where's my letter hun'? I'm gonna print some pics soon of me and Andrew and post them to you! Just need to find a gap... <3 love u! <3
from shanmeid :
what a cute hamster... so sweet ;) glad you have something to make you happy! <3
from ethereal-red :
I love hamsters. We've (my family) always had one or two around for as long as I can remember, but we haven't gotten another one since the last one finally expired. He was really old. Our cats got along well with him, too, but they still have the turtle to stare and paw at.
from cultofluna :
you're hamster is adorable, i might be getting a hamster too. =)
from dinosaurorgy :
You're not shit: you're a human being. Your not worthless: only unrecognized as the true-blue spirit that you really are! You're not ugly: no amount of physical disfigurement or depression could ever hide what a beautiful person you are inside. You're not a pig: you display none of the characteristics or mentalities of a pig-like creature at all.
from roamany :
If you're shit then I'm raw sewage : )
from open-n-true :
Despite all of your pain, you still reach out to others. Thank you for your note and encouragement. Sending love from watery eyes, xoxo Ope
from dinosaurorgy :
Hopefully maybe she'll come around and go back to acting more like how she did before. (:
from roamany :
I'm really glad you're ok. And thanks for the flowers, though I feel like I should probably be the one to send them to you. <3
from dinosaurorgy :
I think that N's mom might just be jealous, as well. I doubt that the average person expresses concern by dragging nice ideas through the mud. I think that she probably doesn't like you very much, from what I've read about her, it doesn't sound like she approves of you at all. (Personally, I'd love to tell this woman to shove her problems back up her ass, and I doubt that you need any more bullshit from anyone, especially someone as influential as N's mother.) She might just not like how you may be affecting N, or something sad like that.
from writergrrl88 :
I'm glad you got through it okay. Know that my warm thoughts are with you.
from ethereal-red :
I'm glad you came out of it okay... I made that mistake once, too- well, it was a mistake for me, but I'm glad you did it and are okay. I OD'd and then called my best friend and told her not to freak out if I didn't answer my phone... she called for an ambulance and I spent the day hooked up to machines.
from shanmeid :
sweetie... why? you know that you're only hurting yourself, so why? you can't go on forever blaming yourself for things and not learning to leave it all behind you! when you wake up, write me a letter about all your feelings... it doesn't matter if it's short, or long, or doesn't make sense! Just get it out! Please... <3
from roamany :
I hope this gets to you while you're still awake. I guess I know the feeling, but I don't want to see you go. You're the only person I can think of who really gets this stuff, and I have no one else to talk with. I hope you can talk to me when you need to, and I really hope you're going to be ok. I know you will pull through, because you always do. Anyway, let me know if you're alright when you get this, cause I am genuinely worried. <3
from roamany :
You're right about the floating bit. I wish there was a way to cure it. Oh well, at least we'll be miserable together.
from dinosaurorgy :
It often sickens me to see what people will resort to to get a kick now and then: I'm very glad that it hasn't managed to scare you away from diaryland. ^__^
from roamany :
Thinking of you. Sorry I've been sort of absent lately, but I'm still here for ya!!<3
from writergrrl88 :
Do you have a screenname on LiveJournal? I could add you as a friend there so you'd have access to my entries (most of them are "friends-only" protected).
from shanmeid :
write whenever you have the energy... that's the nice thing about friendship, it doesn't have an expiry date and letters are always welcome regardless of the time lapsed between ;)
from hip-bone :
Sorry for the scare. I had to escape for a little while.
from open-n-true :
please don't stop writing because you would miss us and yes, we would miss you too. =)
from dinosaurorgy :
Eegah.. people are copying your ENTRIES? (Have you actually seen this happening?) Man.. it's a sick and fucked up world when a person can't even write a diary without someone using it for bastardized purposes. Those people should be burned at stake. Don't stop writing - I'd hate to see a good thing like you go just because a couple of people were bastards and couldn't contain their stupidity. :)
from writergrrl88 :
Please be careful and safe. I worry for you and think it's horrible that people are cruel to you. I'll be sending warm, kind thoughts your way. *hugs*
from shanmeid :
It's sad that people are so cruel. That's why I hate life so much... this world we live in is often referred to as 'civilisation' but what's so civil about constantly persecuting others for what they believe, feel, fear... I know how you feel about not wanting any part of it anymore, quite frankly I don't blame you. Your life has been so unfair for so long and whenever you seem to pick yourself up a bit, someone kicks you down again. You don't deserve any of it, but if you give up they'll just defeat you. The sick world would have won! I won't let the assholes that feel they have a right to breath control my life!!! And you shouldn't allow them to either! Take care of yourself and keep trying regardless <3
from shanmeid :
hey... sorry to hear things are bad between the 2 of you! Perhaps it's just part of the process that you need to go thru'... make yourself heard and understood for once. Don't apolagise for something unless you know you've really done wrong. Hope you feel better too! I also seem to have a bout of flu at the mo'... no fun! Take care! <3
from shesaid-oh :
ive been away for so long but i came to see how you are doing. bad it seems. i wish there was something i could do to maike you feel better. take care xoxo
from roamany :
Hey, I think we're on here at the same time. Just wanted to say hi, and I hope this year is better to. Here's to it. <3
from dinosaurorgy :
You're welcome, I'm very glad to see that it cheered you up a bit! (And I see that you've added me to your list of diaries, thank you!)
from roamany :
I think I know you well enough to say that you are a beautiful person inside AND out. You are not generic, and you shouldn't concern yourself with people who are. Screw everyone who thinks ill of you, they're not worth anyone's time. I hope you feel better soon. Thanks for the sweet note as well. I honestly don't know where I'd be without you. Loves<3
from shanmeid :
babes... you're beautiful and I'm glad you know it! All the more reason to just ignore it! People who call other people ugly are so bitter at their own lives that they have to take it out on someone else and make them miserable too! You are beautiful! You are a lovely person! You're so caring and compassionate! You have a heart that is so big you could drown the world with all the love you have to give! ;) <3
from dinosaurorgy :
Eegah.. who ever has been calling you ugly ought to be damn ashamed of themselves. I've been following your diary for a little while, and I must say, I haven't found anything in it to cause me to classify you as ugly in any way at all. (You're one hell of a writer.) Don't give up on life just yet :)
from writergrrl88 :
You are a wonderful, worthy, beautiful person. I hope that someday that can be something you always know. But please be reminded that you are -- lovely, worthy, and better than the hell this world has put you through.
from shanmeid :
I'm glad you and mum have sorted the argument! You're so right, life is too short to have things like on your shoulders. I just wish the monster would give you some sort of closure about everything that happened... just so that you can move on! You deserve to be happy and to love and respect yourself and have family that love you for you and not what you can give them. I'm so sorry he had to take all that away from you! It's just so selfish... you're right tho', it will get worse before it gets better! I just want you to be strong because I know you can be! Don't let yourself slide! <3
from roamany :
Trust your judgement when it comes to getting too close with your mom, just because you're lonely doesn't mean she's a great person. I know. It is probably good about N deleting the e-mail, but I'm sorry he invades your privacy. Anyhow, I really just wanted to check in and say hi and that I'm thinking of you and hope you're ok. If you get bored enough write to me, I'd love it. <3
from shanmeid :
You know that N loves you. Where would you go if you didn't have him? I always think maybe life would've been different if I had landed up with this guy or that guy from the past, but then I think, would they have dealt with everything? Would they have stood by me and sacrificed so much to be at my side? I always say to myself that they wouldn't have, because no one could deal better than the man I have now! It's going to be tough and you know that! But please don't be oblivious to the fact that he wants to be by your side and help you. Let him know how you feel... <3
from choose-life :
i share your pain. someone special to me was supposed to go to the church with me on christmas eve, but he never answered his phone for the entire day, i was alone wandering on the streets for 5 hours in the pouring rain, mostly lurking and waiting for my phone to ring. though at the back of my head i assumed he was with the woman he cheated on me with. i got drunk and stoned as my hopes deminished slowly, stumbled home with my beautiful hair, makeup, but no one was there to see me. i hate christmas.
from roamany :
I think I know how you feel about being treated like a commodity. I can see two people in you and I hope the one who loves herself can prevail. You're stronger than monster, you're superwoman. Screw a bunch of everyone who says or thinks otherwise. <3
from dinosaurorgy :
Christmas is really too commercialized to enjoy, especially when nothing else seems to be going good in life, no?
from xself-imagex :
Sometimes it feels as if I'm the only one who hates Christmas. When everyone around you is smiling and laughing. It's so hard. I know it's hard. Dammit, life is so hard. Enurta, life is hard, but trust me, it is worth it. Maybe not now, maybe not even soon, but someday you will look back on this. Not with disgust or embarassment. You will be proud of what you have accomplished. You will have hit rock bottom and climbed the huge mountain that is life. You will smile wherever you are and you will mean it. Because you will be happy, deep within your heart. You will be happy.
from shanmeid :
... you're not deceiving anyone but yourself ... it's just another thing to dislike yourself more! You should try to stop it before anything more happens! You're trying so hard to be better and deserve it to yourself to be happy! ; )
from emaciana :
who are the two people in the picture lying on the beds (template)? i'm glad you've found an T that you like and can trust. happy holidays!
from roamany :
I would absolutely take you up on that dinner offer!!LOL. I'm glad you like your new therapist and you really seem to be doing much better. I'm very happy and proud for you.
from shanmeid :
hey... that's really good to hear! Take care <3
from shanmeid :
good luck babes... N will make sure they don't take you away! <3
from roamany :
Just tell them what they want to hear. That everything is fine, it was just a fluke, a bad day. Lie your way out of it and then find a therapist that is genuine and caring. Good luck sweetheart. <3
from shanmeid :
... that's the right attitude to have my dear ... only you can step up for yourself! At the end of the day all you'll ever have is you! <3
from shanmeid :
morning... You could never bore me! You're too damn nice and wonderful person for that! Sometimes, you need to meet someone who can clarify that sometimes your life isn't all that bad. N's mum probably needed to realise that and took a note out of your book and decided to try to survive and make life work rather than have remorse over it! I'm not making sense... very tired! Smile for me ; )
from xself-imagex :
I am trying. I am hanging on for dear life. It's just hard. Really hard.
from shanmeid :
it's just natural for you to want to love your mother... it's the way God intended it to be! Or else we wouldn't have that whole maternal bond thing going... but some mothers are just cruel. I still don't understand it! I've seen it happen with friends of mine and it's actually so sad. No child, regardless of age, needs to have a bad bond with family. I'm 25 and I don't know what I would do with out my mum. We've had our issues and she was terrible to me when I was younger and wouldn't allow me to do anything, but now I've learnt why and understand. If your mum doesn't want to be there for you, let N's mum take care of you. She'll be a better mother to you than your own has ever been, your whole life. I wish I could be with you and help you thru' this time, but it seems that you're doing so well already ; ) I just hope you can keep up the strength and the will to fight away the past and begin new! <3
from roamany :
And about the therapist thing, don't be nervous. You just have to find the right one. We both know how hard it is to open up, but it can be a positive experience. Just relax and say what you really need to say. Good luck. <3
from roamany :
I really don't have anyone. No parents, my boyfriend doesn't understand any of this stuff. I've been searching for support. I even went to my old therapist last week whom I've been friends with for a long time, and even she seemed lost. I'm not trying to sound melodramatic, but it just feels so nerve racking right now. I'm going to see my doc tomorrow, though, and I'm going to tell her everything, and hopefully she'll be able to help. It really means a lot to me that you care. I don't even feel like I fit with most of the D-Land people either. For some reason we're just on different levels. I know I'm going to be fine, it's just a hard time. I seriously appreciate your well wishings though. That's all I really needed. <3
from roamany :
Thank you for the encouragment. I'm not going to off myself, really. I made a promise to myself that I intend to keep, but do you ever just get those moments of complete loss of self? When nothing is going right and there's no one around to help? I seriously don't know what to do with myself. Thank you for always being so sweet to me. I am glad that you're getting better and I send good thoughts your way often. Thanks again. <3
from shanmeid :
hey you... txs for thinking of me! I'm out of sorts at the moment. Too many things around me that are making me go mad!!! Love the new layout! It's peaceful! It looks good too! Take care babes... I'm so glad you're on a path that can only lead to good! <3
from pulse-tone :
i hope you find the help you need, not necessarily 'professional' but something that will help you feel better. glad you're ok.
from imanobody00 :
I hope you are alright honey. I'm thinking of you ~ ((((HUGS)))) You deserve to live and be happy! Take care of your wonderful self.
from open-n-true :
please take care of yourself, e! xoxo me
from saidforever :
I hope you'll be okay. I know you'll be okay.
from writergrrl88 :
I'm so glad you lived. I'm sorry you felt so bad, and I wish that you find some way to feel better. *sending thousands of good, healing wishes your way*
from shanmeid :
... :' ( I'm so glad you're okay and so sorry you felt that that was your only way out! I wish I could be at your bedside to be with you and take care of you! Concentrate on you and the people who love you for you and not those who try to control you! You're so much better than 'HIM' and you always will be. Don't let him destroy the beautiful person and soul that you are! I love you! Take care and let this be a first step to making your life better ; ) <3
from roamany :
I wish you wouldn't do this. I know it's hard, and I know that part of you believes in how truly wonderful you are. Quit listening to everyone else. Quit letting truly demented and evil people speak for you. I just hope you 'll be ok. I know you're not, but I hope one day you will be. Please work on it.Believe in it, believe in you. There is nothing else. Much love.
from i-am-jack :
I cried when I read your entry tonight. I do not know what to say, but I can not let myself go to sleep without saying something. I think you said it best yourself. You are talented, beautiful, and strong. And you do deserve to live. I can not even describe what I am feeling right now. I am just glad that you are ok.
from emaciana :
i'm so glad to hear that you are ok!
from sutaka :
Oh wow. I'll definitely be looking for the subtitles soon then. :) (Concerning your diary entry: ever get the feeling you're constantly trapped between a rock and a sledgehammer? I get that impression when I read your entries: I find it hard to comment about what I've read because it makes me feel very helpless and unhelpful.)
from emaciana :
do you have anyone you can talk to in real time? teacher, friend, therapist? i really want you to be safe and it sounds like you're going through really tough times. there are so many people here online who care about you. i hope you can see it.
from pulse-tone :
I haven't spoken to my family in years and years because if I did, things like what you're writing about would happen. I'm so sorry.
from shanmeid :
I'm so sorry that happened... sorry that I helped you think you could believe them and trust them... sorry that they treat you that way! Sorry that I can't be there with you and tell you it'll be okay! <3
from sutaka :
I wound up downloading Lilja 4-Ever, but I got a Russian version. Nevertheless, it was an amazing movie, my sister and I watched it: we were both in tears by the end, I assure you, translation or not! I'm so glad to have heard of it from you! (By the way.. good luck with the therapy, I hope it works out for you. I've gone in a few times myself x__x)
from roamany :
Hey, I just read your note. Thanks for being so sweet to me. I just don't think it's something I can talk about. I haven't told anyone. That's one of the things I admire about you. You are open about the terrible things that have happened to you, and I think that is truly amazing. This girl just wrote me a terrible e-mail whining about her lives 'tragedies' and I think it's rediculous. Pain is not comparable. Although I have to say that you have gone through things most people could not possibly imagine; you are SO strong. I guess that's why I worry about you so much. You have the capacity to be an even more extraordinary person than you already are. Have you ever thought about counseling? I have a friend who went through some of the things we've gone through, and she is now my counselor. She even wrote a book. Check it out...it has some trigger points, but I think it's worth it. Survivors Guide by Sharrice Lee. Sorry this is so long. I hope you're ok, and things get better. -M
from roamany :
I have to agree that woman is a bitch. I'm suprised you didn't punch her in the face. Look, I'm still here. I think maybe you should find another therapist, or even just an old friend to talk to. It doesn't matter who you talk to, so long as they won't affect your immediate situation. I wish you well and don't want to see you dissapear. You're too good for that. You would be missed.
from shanmeid :
You shouldn't be angry at yourself... you should be angry at her and her ignorance! I hate when people think they know what something feels like and they think that they have your whole life down to a tee. I'd rather admit that I don't know what you're feeling but I can try to help you the best way I can! Stupid woman! Just hang in there dear... <3
from shanmeid :
*hugs* sleep away all the nastiness in your life! dreams are always better than real life right? I'm glad N's mom is trying to help you. It's nice to know when people believe in you... even when you don't believe in yourself ; )
from roamany :
Well I can tell you that taking a bunch of pills isn't the ideal for killing yourself. It takes at least twenty four hours...and by then you're just partially brain dead and will be out of it for some time. Chances are you'll be found and will either have severe brain damage for the rest of your life. It is also a horrendously painful way to die.
from shanmeid :
you know you wouldn't do it... not since you've got your sister back ; ) At least I hope you wouldn't do it... you know I'd miss you terribly! <3
from emaciana :
i don't believe you will kill yourself. and if you do, i will be very sad. you deserve and are worth more than that. i hope you can see it.
from roamany :
What kinds of pills are you on? Perhaps I can help you somehow.
from pulse-tone :
thanks. I think this marriage thing is going to be good for us. We had both brought it up a month or so ago, but my boyfriend mentioned using this money he'll be making tonight to pay for the license. We're hoping to just go in there, sign the paper and leave. They make us have two witnesses, though, besides the justice of the peace, which is annoying. I agree with what you mentioned, though, it will be nice to have society validate us as related, and to get all the benefits.
from agoraphobiac :
wow, i love how you write. your thoughts are so deep and beautiful, although they're painful.
from shanmeid :
That's a beautiful way of letting go... you need to! Just throw away all the baggage, the hurt, the pain... just end it all! <3
from shanmeid :
hey... did you get my email yesterday? your dad can't do anything to you now... have you thought of a restraining order? I'm sure it's possible in your case! <3
from razorblade-- :
lighting and make up can make even the dead beautiful
from sutaka :
thanks, i'll try checking those sites out sooon.
from i-am-jack :
I have been around, despite not updating my own journal, I have still been reading other people's. Sometimes I tell myself that I will make an entry today, or tomorrow, but somehow it just does not happen. Maybe I just needed to break the hold this site had on me, and let everything just fall apart. Let those silly little things that mattered so much before, not matter for a while.
from sutaka :
I wound up spending a little time looking it up on google.. it looks like most of the versions available come with subtitles right off the bat. (It's getting some awesome reviews, I see.)
from roamany :
I love how the snow covered trees look like skelitons.
from emaciana :
you're so lucky you've got snow! it makes everything seem so magical and clean. pure. and when you're warm inside it's just about the coziest thing!
from amongst :
wow. intense post
from roamany :
People are interested in you because you are relatable, and you express yourself well. Think of this snow, this winter as a shedding of your old self. Write lists, make plans, try to be happy with a "normal" kind of life. I know that dark something sticks with you, with all of us, but it is possible to life a real life anyway. I love you -Roam
from shanmeid :
thank you... you know I love you! <3
from sutaka :
Ohh.. thanks for warning me in advance, then. I'll definitely be keeping my eyes out for the subtitled version.
from sutaka :
Hmm.. I might just try to find that movie, then. :)
from roamany :
Your note really helped me. I've been through a lot of crazy shit lately, but I think there's got to be another answer. I am seriously considering going to stay at a hospital for a while. I'm not sure how all that works though. I wish I could find a good therapist, but I don't have any money anymore. Anyway, thank you for caring so much...I wish to know you better and I hope everything is going ok with your family. loves.
from shanmeid :
I got your mail. And I have replied! ; ) I just realised, the line that you've written on your profile page is Tori Amos. I love that song... <3 ...when you gonna make up your mind, when you gonna love you as much I do, when you gonna make up mind cos things are gonna change so fast, all the white horses have gone away, I'll tell you that I always want you near...
from shanmeid :
hey u... *hugs*
from cultofluna :
I'm very happy for you. I hope everything thats going on in your life will work out just fine and try not to worry so much if you can help it.
from shesaid-oh :
im so glad you get to see your sister again. i hope your father and brother dont mess it up for you i really do. xox
from de-nos-bras :
i am glad things are good with your family! well...at least half of it..i don.t know what.s wrong with your brother, he might be jealous..but scared as well....oh well but who am i to speak? i barely know the story, i just read & try to figure out what.s happening, i try to think the best i can of words to make you feel better & i am truly really profoundly happy that you,your sis & your mum are back together again..your family is a puzzle..u got some pieces..others are missing, but you.ll complete it soon enough. i beleive in you pretty one & i wish you the very best indeed! hope u have fun with your sis when she.s gonna come over! much love..xoxox muri <3
from shanmeid :
yes I was... when I'm with my friends and family and I do stuff for them it makes me happy. There were moments during the evening where people upset me, but I have a good way of hiding it and carrying on like nothing happened! <3 Sarika understands a lot about me so I can relax when I'm around her! <3 When are you going to take pics of yourself again?
from shanmeid :
hey sweetpea... I'm glad to hear that happened! He can't control you anymore... don't worry about him! <3
from razorblade-- :
¢¾ thank you darling ¢¾
from sutaka :
Looks like it must be an interesting movie.. was it pretty good?
from shanmeid :
I'm sorry she makes you feel bad. She has no right. And you're right, there is NOTHING wrong with you and wanting to be vegan. You are beautiful and you do have such beautiful hair. She's probably jealous <3 *hugs*
from sutaka :
You're very welcome. :) (If you don't mind me asking, who is that interesting girl in that picure, anyhow?)
from sutaka :
I was most struck by your diary's picture, it seems to almost have a power of it's own. Your entries are quite interesting as well, I browsed through them quickly just now. (Good luck with your mother.)
from shesaid-oh :
i wat to give you a hug as if a hug would make it all better. it wouldnt but i still would like to give you one.
from shanmeid :
I know it's complicated... sorry sweetie! I got your letter on Friday. Posted your reply today. It should be there in ±10 days! <3
from shanmeid :
don't you see it... it's not meant as an insult! she's finally admitted that you're her child and you need her and she needs to know that you need her. ; ) As for your brother, it's just his way of protecting himself because he's afraid. Can't your mother get a restraining order against your father if it's that bad? Perhaps you and sister can meet at a mall or coffee shop or something. Perhaps it would be better in feelings too! <3 I'm really happy for you!!! <3
from cultofluna :
Happy Birthday!! ♥
from kitten-12 :
happy birthday! i hope it's a good one
from shanmeid :
I'm so happy for you... what a wonderful birthday present for you! <3
from x-severed-x :
<3
from roamany :
I'm really happy that you got to have a talk with your family. It's funny how things turn out sometimes. Hope you are well and that you've had a happy birthday.
from amongst :
that's good! be strong, fuck them off. if you rise up & make something of yourself, they will chase for you. they will. in time. you write unlike you're 20. you think unlike any average human being. somewhere deep within all this hurt you still show glimpses of postivity. & that is what you need to hold onto to survive. & i reckon you could do that. easily.
from imanobody00 :
I'm glad you are okay and still here!!!! I worry about you so much! You are a beautiful person inside and out, you deserve to be happy. I hope things work out with you writing your family.
from shanmeid :
It's really sweet they way they're trying to make you part of their family. Andrew's mum used to always do stuff like that and it would make me feel awkward. I always thought she was trying to make me be like their family, which I could never be! But instead, all she was ever trying to do was love me and looking back now, I appreciate everything they did for me. Don't read too much into someone trying to love you! It's what you need... <3
from amongst :
what did you do that was so bad??
from open-n-true :
i love you too, & i'm glad you're alive. i don't care what your mum said to you, these words aren't true & you know it's not! sweetie, you can change yourself but not others (you're more important anyways). may I apologize for your mum? i'm so sorry she did that to you. btw, your dad isn't any better. i'm sorry for what he did to you too...sending love and kindness, Ope
from shanmeid :
:mwah: big kiss from me! You know that dying just isn't the option for you! It never happens my dear which means that it's not your time! As for doing what you need to do, I'm so proud of you. Even if they don't accept your stretched out hand, at least you know you tried to love again... and that's the first step you need to take! I love you and I'm glad you're still here... and N does love you! <3
from de-nos-bras :
ofcourse u deserve to be happy. i hope everything works out well between you & your family sweets. love you <3
from roamany :
I'm beyond giddy to hear that you know (finally) and accept that you do deserve to be happy. I'm not sure you need to welcome him back in your life, but extending a welcome to your siblings is a great step, I believe that would be wonderful for you. Hope things continue to go ok, and I'm sending hugs n' loves : )
from shesaid-oh :
[[[Because I deserve it. I deserve to be happy]]] thats the best thing ive heard you say in a long time darling. because its true. its so so true. xox
from pulse-tone :
thank you. glad to hear you're still here.
from cuttersblood :
you have no idea how relieved i am to read that you are still here. i hope you know that you are loved and i hope you feel better soon. everything will be okay. <3
from roamany :
I'm so glad you're ok, even though you're not ok. I was really worried about you. Hope you feel better soon, and that you know how much you are loved.
from xself-imagex :
I'm worried about you.
from s-kitty :
Suicide is tempting, but it's not the answer. Please don't do anything, I don't know you, but I'd miss you. I'm around, just not as much, I'm kinda lost in my head right now. If you ever need to talk e-mail me at s-kitty@diaryland.com and I'll send you my actual address (apparently that won't work until the next hour or so though).
from shanmeid :
there's nothing beautiful about death... and I know there's nothing lovely about your life and what you're feeling, but rest assured, you won't only be destroying yourself, you'll destroy N too. He does love you! He would've left you a long time ago if he didn't. Guys are different to women. They go if they don't need you anymore, where we just hang on for fear of not finding anyone else... find another way to fill that gap... it's hard but HAVE to!!! <3
from open-n-true :
They say suicide is the silent cry for help.
from emaciana :
i'm sure that can kill. i took 12 T3's before and got admitted to the hospital... be careful
from roamany :
Do something else. Plan something different. Take a class, do volunteer work, get your mind centered somewhere else. I know how hard an entire future can be to swallow, but try to take it one day at a time, otherwise you are just giving in and you've gone too far to do that now. You've got to keep proving the world wrong. Much love.
from imanobody00 :
Don't do it honey! Don't take all those pills. You are strong, beautiful, and very intelligent...despite what you may think. You have people who love you,and who need you. I know the past is impossible to forget, but you need to see what you have now. You have N and his family. Despite all you have been through with him... he is still there and loves you. Please Don't Give Up!
from de-nos-bras :
is it really necessary..precious? i just want you to stay safe and be well sweetheart <3
from small-one :
suicide. the topic has been running around in my head for days, screaming at me to pay attention to it. i know what i should say to you about it "don't/it's too final/think about N, or whomever, blah,blah,blah." unfortunately, i know how very little those words matter in a moment of desperation. or, well, a LIFE of desperation. i just wish you had a different childhood, a different family, a different life because then, you wouldn't need to die. you could just BE.
from shanmeid :
I know... I've just been feeling really bad today... I don't know if it's the heat or the fact that I've been spending way too much time on own. I haven't been counting or obsessing over food, just eating when I'm hungry, so I don't quite know what's happened to me today! I feel disgusting... it'll pass tho', like so many of my emotional states <3 Thank u... and love u lots!
from roamany :
You don't annoy me at all!! I figured I've been annoying you. I know it probably sounds terrible, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone in all my awful feelings. I hope you're doing ok. : )
from roamany :
You don't have to keep thanking me. Your words comfort me as well. I just wish you saw yourself the way I see you. I think I understand a lot of the things you feel, and it's so much easier to look at someone else and understand them. It is so much harder to see yourself the way others do...it's so difficult to get an outside perspective. I think we're a lot alike. Your words have helped me. And I just want you to be ok.
from de-nos-bras :
fuck the bitch man, u shouldn.t waste any of your precious tears for something like that, it is not fucing worth it. JAAA i just hate people who are like her, with no self-atittude whatsoever, they just follow and imitate. fuck these people, fuck them, and fuck i want to shoot her right now. that bitch, called you names aye? fuck her fuck her and fuck her cat as well. i pity her cat for having her as a baron, that whore! jaaa, do me a favor sweetheart and don.t ever see her fucking horrible face ever again, nor listen to her fucking horrible voice ever again. cut any strings attached to her, and break that relation, because obviously, she is going to cause nothing but pain..and if hurts you again, i want you to fuck her hard, i want her to lay dying, because nobody hurts you. NO FUCKING ONE.i love you sweets :*
from roamany :
I agree. Fuck a bunch of her. You should steal her cat and take care of it. It's probably better you didn't get angry with her, even though you're probably thinking of all the horrible things you could have said right now. You're a better person than that, and if she's just trying to be like you everyone else will see it and dismiss her. To hell with all the people that make you feel bad.
from small-one :
hey, fuck that girl and her ugly "cat." i mean, do you really HAVE to deal with her?
from shanmeid :
txs sweetpea... glad to hear there's something that makes you feel like dancing ; ) <3
from shesaid-oh :
im going to keep this open so i can come back and read you and comment. i havent been doing that for a while, but ive missed seeing how you are xox
from emaciana :
thank you for your note. i feel your sadness though your writing and your teplate. you seem so very sad, it makes me sad. please try and find just one thing a day that makes you happy. try to smile. take care.
from open-n-true :
You express yourself well, E! Let it all out! But then after that, let it go........>
from imanobody00 :
I worry about you. You are not your father.... he is wrong. You are a wonderful person, I wish you could see that. You do have people who love you and care about you... don't give up on yourself honey.
from small-one :
to quote open-n-true, your father was/is a "sick mother fuck." so, in an effort to preserve yourself, please combat him!!! do not make his rediculous antics your own. fight it. do not accept his bull-shit as your own. (you've got your own bull-shit, right???) xoxoxo
from xself-imagex :
You are not alone. You are never alone.
from roamany :
Thank you. I wish there was something I could do for you beside telling you that you are a beatiful person, and your screams are heard.
from emaciana :
hugs for you...
from saidforever :
No problem. Lovely writing. <3
from xself-imagex :
username: username password: fuck the only reason i locked it is i have insanely nosey parents. :p
from open-n-true :
What are you hallucinations about?
from open-n-true :
Thanks, E. And sorry to read about that bummer stain, I wish I could just buy you a new jacket.. xoxo Ope p.s. Please put a nice picture of you on your layout instead of that grody looking old man! Sorry I don't like the picture.
from shanmeid :
If you have an iron (hot), put a clean cloth over the stains and just run the iron over it... heat is often good with helping sticky stains transfer to other areas. It's supposed to work with wa