messages to floodtide:
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from musikoid :
Flood, thank you for your inspiring note. I understood that you'd had a lapse, but you came back, and that's what counts. When I realized that my problem was internal -- and not just a function of Berkeley, or the streets, or the state of the world today -- it was a big revelation. And yet still, it took me nine more lapses before it "took" and I was able to know some happiness, joy, and freedom. Hopefully you will not have to suffer any further. There will come a time (if it hasn't happened already) when the obsession is lifted, and p.85 will become a reality: "We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition." I've begun to see glimpses of this myself, and yes, we can and will stay clean -- all of us -- together.
from musikoid :
Funny, I sort of got distracted discussing the anachronistic cadenzas, while I had *meant* to note you to announce a promising development on my end. It appears that my musical is going to be workshopped here at the University of Idaho. There are three successive entries about it in my diary, all having the word "happening" in the title. This is the one that I was "blocked" up about a few years back, someone had critiqued in somewhat harshly, and I was hurt -- I'm sure you recall. In any case, I was able to complete a rough draft in March and a more polished draft about a week ago. There is information, both anecdotal and analytical, in those entries. About the French and German sixths, I'm sure it was a German sixth that (to my ear) stuck out ostentatiously in the cadenza selected by that pianist. It gnawed at me for a few days, and I had to look them up myself. The differences between French, Italian, and German sixths are interesting. I'll send a screenshot to your email. Have a blessed day.
from musikoid :
Wow, I didn't know you had tackled all that. I knew you played, but I sort of had an image of you as a musical theatre accompanist, or accompanist perhaps for voice studios, not necessarily a concert pianist of such calibre. I'm not sure why you say you don't (or can't) still play like that. Maybe you just mean being out of practice. I don't consider myself much of a classical pianist -- any more or ever. I did play a lot of Bach and Mozart at one time, mostly two and three part inventions, and Mozart sonatas. I did Sonata in A Major No. 11 K 331 for my classical recital first year at the Conservatory, having failed to memorize it completely in time, and winding up "improvising" on the parts I hadn't memorized. Needless to say, Frank Wiens flunked me in Piano Performance. I got an A+ in Theory-Comp that same semester from Stan Beckler, which led to my current identity. I can do lounge piano, but I just don't have the temperament to be a good serious pianist. I consider myself a composer, and often am very hard of myself for not yet having composed - or at least scored -- my best stuff. I write music in my head compulsively and tap out the melodic lines like piano parts on my desk. I've written reams of music internally that I've still not gotten around to notating or scoring, and a huge fear of mine is to go to my grave without having given other musicians the opportunity to play these pieces. Thanks for your note.
from musikoid :
Might have been a German 6th. Anyway, it glared, with a big tenuto at that point, as the guy leaned back - as if to emphasize the cunning of that mysterious deviation. So I wanted to say, this is nothing about recovery, and I *should not* intrude on your progress of recovery, only because your perceptions spark something in me. I have 68 days today, and I think some things are beginning to clear up a bit. I'm doing a 4th Step with my sponsor, and it's healing. But what I wanted to suggest is that you catch any of my entries whose titles begin with the words "It's Happening." http://musikoid.diaryland.com/happening1.html for starts. I'll try to issue Part Two in the morning. Anon.
from musikoid :
I dislike when the pianist throws a romantic cadenza into a Mozart concerto. I heard someone do this once -- complete with an annoying French 6th, and it was very much out of character, like a sore thumb. But if it was "Beethovenian" I suppose that's borderline. ;) But that wasn't what I was going to note you about, so let me gather my senses. I'm a bit besides myself here, tonight.
from musikoid :
Good luck with Interlochen.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for being there for me.
from musikoid :
I've always had trouble with that part of the 11th Step too. Praying *only* for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry it out? Can't I pray for something *other* than that? It contradicts my Christianity for prayer to be restricted like that. The 'good news' is that, unless your sponsor's a thumper (which it doesn't seem that he is), he won't require you to take things so literally. The main thing here, imho, is To Thine Own Self Be True.
from i-am-jack :
I emailed you a password.
from i-am-jack :
Congratulations on closing on your home.
from musikoid :
Did you "go out," Flood? I missed a couple entries or more - just moved into my new one bedroom, and have been somewhat more scattered, though grateful. It sounds as though you're beginning to encounter the thumpers -- the A.A. Nazis, as we call them. They're didactic and dogmatic and should be shunned. The worst thing about them is that they think their way is the only way. If you can remind yourself that you do not "want what they have," it will help. Call me if you run into any A.A. snags, and you think I can help. Pretty sure I sent you my number, via email. You're in my prayers.
from i-am-jack :
I do not respond, not positively anyway, to you HAVE to statements either. They just piss me off and make me want to rebel. Even if they are coming from the right place. Big Book Thumpers, lol. I hate "rollers" of any kind. But hey different things work for different people. Seriously though, I think self honesty is the key to almost everything about life. If you accept that coin, what will it mean? I can almost promise it will not be as meaningful as the times you accepted and rightfully earned the others. In fact, you might grow to hate that coin because of the way it makes you feel after a while. It will also demean the value of the others that build on it. If you do tell your sponsor or the others take comfort in that you are not alone. You are not the first or the only one. The painfully honest experience might make future coins even more valuable.
from i-am-jack :
"What, exactly, do I owe?" It is not so much what, but who. And that is you. He can only help you help yourself.
from i-am-jack :
I just caught up on your entries. Congratulations and sorry about losing your job. It was not just about you not coming in that day and I think deep inside you know that but for some reason our minds make up these guilty self blame stories. I have been there. I have lost so many jobs. Your heart was not in it and it shows more than you think. Also you dared try to talk to the managers instead of being a good wage slave. Their idea of the ideal image is a fucking smiling polished ass puppet who puts on a good show and takes all all the shit from them and the customers and begs for more. It's a good thing you are out of there. Congratulations on the closing of on your house. And no, I do not think you are a loser. It was very brave to not make it a private entry. Thank you for trusting us enough to share. As for honesty with your sponsor, you have the right to disclose as much as you are comfortable with, how and when you are ready. It is *your* recovery. But you need to always be 100% honest with yourself.
from i-am-jack :
All I can say is thank you for your compassion and heart felt note. Your notes do me more good than you think. If it makes you feel any better, I am feeling a little better and a lot less crazy.
from i-am-jack :
Your comment about Andrew's design skills made me laugh. I actually liked the old blue tones and red design. It's silly but my favorite was the original blue, purple and yellow with the silly cartoons. The goofy flowers got me every time. I wish it never changed. Do you remember the black, grey and red layout everyone hated? The one before the last one. It's basically the old blue layout with the colors changed back to familiar hues. I don't like the new layout but I don't hate it either. I am glad he is finally taking care of the site. I'll get used to the crisp weirdness of things.
from musikoid :
Ah, the State Liquor Store! "I must include the information that the old liquor store is now the local office of the Utah Department of Corrections, which is the only possible candidate for best use of that building possible except for a porn shop." Phil and I bought some vodka there in 2003, the only time I've ever been in Cedar City. Ironic shift of venue.
from i-am-jack :
"All you can do when you fuck up is acknowledge it and apologize and then throw it into the wind." I like that. I could use this advice about now. The crush thing is interesting, usually when I have that kind of thing going on, I regress to high school level and admire them from a distance. I don't have the balls to talk to them. Online or in real life. If I do, its horribly awkward like a nervous puppy the first few times. Also I am glad you finally got your toothbrush.
from i-am-jack :
Also Diaryland was doing that to me the other night and some other weird stuff. I am not sure if it helped, but deleting all the cookies and history from my browser seemed to get it to stop.
from i-am-jack :
Have fun on your vacation and keep enjoying yourself. You do need it.
from musikoid :
Or I guess, it's not "summer." (Nearly October already!) But you know what I meant. :)
from musikoid :
Agreeing with Jack, and *praying* you get the job with Spinal Solutions. Also for travel mercies on the way to Utah Shakes. Never did figure out *exactly* what you do there each summer - left a note about this last summer. But I hope it all goes well. I'll be reading.
from i-am-jack :
You know, I have never worked a job in food service that wasn't how things are at work for you. I have worked in fast food, regular restaurants, bar and grill type places, a few bar gigs I was not cut out for, and hotel room service/restaurant and it's always like that. I walked off the hotel job after telling off the asshole chef who sent several people home on a day we had several large groups. He was freaking out on the few remaining workers and really being a slave driver. I felt bad leaving my co-workers, but fuck that shit. I hope you get out of there soon.
from i-am-jack :
Andy beat me to it, but I will say it too congratulations on your 60 day coin!
from musikoid :
Congrats on 60 days. I'm proud of you, Flood.
from musikoid :
Flood, congrats on 30 days. I'm a little late "catching up" with you, but I did read this morning's entry (9/12). I just wanted to say that I have noticed more of an ease in reading since you've been more expressive of your feelings and less concerned with presenting the precise narrative of daily activities. Thanks also for the kind mention. :)
from i-am-jack :
Congratulations earning on your 30 day coin!
from musikoid :
Thank you as well, Flood, for your affirming note. Your accounts of early recovery evidence the obvious huge positive change that your commitment to sobriety is effecting in your life. This is actually helping *me* in my own newfound sobriety - this being "day ten" as we speak. In fact, I just got out of my noon meeting, and am creating a quick response before attending my Positive Affirmations class here at the recovery center. A lot of my own resistance has been fading, as well, partly because I have observed what is happening in *you.* Keep coming back. It works.
from musikoid :
You were NOT "apologizing for Nazis" in that post!! I was about to note you to let you know how eloquent it was, and spot on the mark. In fact, I'm not sure if you're aware how much more lucid and well-worded your entries have been in general, since you've gotten into recovery. Not that they were particularly foggy or poorly worded earlier, just that it seems something in you is "slowing down" in a very positive way, and you are ordering your steps much more wisely, and with much more faith.
from i-am-jack :
"I sense that I am at some crossroad, that something significant is happening, or about to happen, or changing, or something. Not sure what it is." There is definitely something in the air, almost everyone is feeling it in their own way. There is a sort of chaotic tension going on.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for reaching out. I am not sure if there is anything anyone can say or do right now. I am having a major psychological and spiritual crisis. I don't do the phone for personal reasons, but do you have an email you'd like to share?
from musikoid :
Thanks for your affirmative note. I have been reading you pretty closely, though not yet quite caught up. (You were approaching Day 12 last I checked. You have seemed quite a bit more focused and at peace with yourself lately. It is not only encouraging, but contagious. You seem to be coming into your own, Flood. Verily, verily -- to thine own self be true.
from i-am-jack :
It would be a good time to read it again. I have not read all of his work yet, but what I have read blows me away. This is How is my favorite book of his. His uniquely qualified take on a self help book. I've so far read Magical Thinking, Dry and This is How. I first found Magical Thinking as a traveling book was instantly hooked and wanted more of his writing. Anyway, keep fighting the good fight.
from i-am-jack :
You might really appreciate and find comfort in Augusten Burroughs's memoir Dry about his misadventures with alcoholism and experiences with recovery, rehab and AA. Be ready he will make you laugh and cry in the same book.
from musikoid :
I put some thought into this, and I've decided not to email you on this theme. I think that a positive change is taking place in your thinking around alcoholism, and I don't want my jaded status to be a hindrance to your recovery. You will eventually receive this note. I *will* keep[ reading, because it is wonderful and exciting to read about your recovery. And again, if you run into any snags concerning the A.A. subculture - the "sloganeering" or anything else, feel free to email me. Otherwise, I won't be leaving further notes on this theme, and I will keep reading, and holding you up in my prayers.
from musikoid :
:)
from musikoid :
Wow - after reading this most recent entry, you're reminding me of everything that is GOOD about A.A. I honestly think this is going to work for you, Flood! But again, I don't know if you receive notes, per previous email exchange, and I will email you once I've gathered more information, and gathered my senses around the matter. One thing is you probably won't find much judgment there, and you WILL find a LOT of compassion - as long as you're honest, open, and willing. And you are. I'm proud of you, Flood.
from annanotbob2 :
Aw sweetie, I've not been reading for a while, having been up to my neck in it, but picked a good day to pop in it seems. Wishing you everything good in your new life. Hold steady - you can do this Love xxx
from i-am-jack :
Good luck on your recovery journey.
from musikoid :
I might send you an email - only because I'm not sure you receive notes. I'm supportive of your going to A.A., but if you ever run into any weird snags, feel free to email me. Believe me, as one who has been going to A.A. meetings since 1988, I've run into them all. Good luck to you.
from musikoid :
I'm reading again. Just thought I'd let you know.
from i-am-jack :
'And he's a "supervisor." Right.' I know this was sarcasm, but actually it sounds like he's acting just like many supervisors do. Consider this, some companies move the dumb asses up the food chain, knowing they are useless at levels that require actual work.
from i-am-jack :
Unless you can fall asleep in under an hour, and I mean *asleep* asleep, trazadone is useless as a sleep aid and actually will cause you to become wide awake if you miss the very narrow window of opportunity. I had it at the hell hospital and it made me hallucinate then kept me up all night.
from i-am-jack :
It was good to see you posting again, I was starting to think either something happened or you were away for the holiday. Thanks for letting me know you read and are there. I was/am starting to wonder if I scared everyone away. I do feel alone right now at every level, but deepest at the broken hearted broken soul connection level.
from i-am-jack :
I know exactly how you feel about needing to get off your depressed ass and get back on track, but even knowing how much better you will feel, it is still so hard.
from i-am-jack :
I am not sure when you are going to see this but my email address has been the same since I started this diary and I do not get notifications anymore, so telling Andrew might not accomplish anything. It is just another quirky broken feature on this site.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for taking the time to relate to me about the paranoid insecurity issues. Yes I grew up in a very volatile, dysfunctional environment. Verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive. I'd even say spiritually abusive. I never felt loved unconditionally. Love and validation were just given and taken away at my parents' whims. I was more often berated than loved or praised. After a while I did not trust or believe validation anymore. How can I be so stupid and so smart? I can't. They voided out their own statements. I learned the art of self depreciation at a young age. It does make relationships hard in all areas of life. At work I used to either end up as the boss's pet or the black sheep depending on the environment. But I feel like good graces can evaporate at any time without warning. In a way it is easier to be the asshole, at least you know your place.
from i-am-jack :
I just wanted to thank you for being so kind, caring and supportive. I read your message to me in your entry a few days ago. I hardly know what to say except thank you. I wanted to let you know I am still around, I didn't mean to leave anyone hanging. I am feeling a bit better, but it's been a rough week or so. I have just been a bit too all over the place to write yet.
from i-am-jack :
Wow I was a bit blown away by your "Are you an artist" question. I would have loved to be there to see that moment. *You* an artist giving impromptu performances.
from minstrelite :
Oh, come on Flood! You knew it would be the first thing I would see, the first time I logged on to read your page. All right, I'll admit I was only trying to get a response. You're as up-front and transparent as they come, and I love you to death, my friend. :)
from i-am-jack :
"I used to be part of this! I could be again! Look at me, please! Talk to me! Take me inside again, please?" That is just so heart breaking. I have days too where I feel like my life never went anywhere or became anything, all the time. Why do some people get everything they want?
from i-am-jack :
I think I understand yesterday's ambivalence about going to this, even better now. (((Hugs)))
from i-am-jack :
I know the feeling of having been excited about something turning to last minute ambivalence or even a bit of anxiety that wishes it could just go later.
from i-am-jack :
I am glad you got checked out too. I hope you get well soon.
from i-am-jack :
The word cunt is definitely an interesting swear word. It might be the last truly offensive word left. Even people who are not offended by really offensive things can take exception to that one. I try to use it sparingly myself, only when the person really earned it. I will use it equally for men and women. Despite its sexist tone, I don't really intentionally deliver it that way. I also love British cuss words. I love wank and twat which is less offensive than cunt but does the job.
from i-am-jack :
Wow...thank you. I hardly know what to say. I guess I will start with the "schizophrenic" contrast making me smile and laugh a little. You are not the first one to notice that, it just seems to be more stark and shocking for you. People who know me through my writing are always surprised that I actually can be nice. In real life, I have varying degrees of success hiding my actually very soft heart. Somewhere deep down in there, I actually am very much romantic, sentimental, empathetic. I feel intensely always. I call myself emo both as a playful insult and as the truth. This journal is mostly where I come to get it all out. But I won't lie, I am definitely multi faceted and wired funny. Thanks for seeing the good in me. You do have a friend. Thanks for being one.
from i-am-jack :
The part about the rubber bands from braces made me smile and remember. In high school my sister and I both had them. And yes those rubber bands do get everywhere! Especially since we did not wear them most of the time. They would spill and it was like rubber Spaghettios pasta everywhere.
from annanotbob2 :
Yay for yoga - it's good for everything! Take it steady though, my friend. Tiny steps - I don't know why I'm even saying this - you know what you're doing. All the best x
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for reading and for your support. It was comforting seeing yours and some other notes. I feel a bit insecure and horrible right now like I am going to exhaust or scare all my friends away. It was reassuring to see I haven't. Yet. Diaryland has not sent me notes notifications in years. Now I just check my notes when I log in. Thank you again for always being so supportive and kind to me.
from musikoid :
I'm glad they like you at your new job, and that you like them. Congratulations on employment. It sounds like it will go well purchasing the apartment, too - glad things are picking up for you.
from i-am-jack :
Congratulations on the new job and good luck with buying your place.
from musikoid :
Great that you ran two miles. :)
from musikoid :
"They are more gracious souls than I; they are able to see past the insane hierarchy and hypocrisy to a steadfast place in which to manifest and practice their faith." That was very well-put. Hope you get the manager position at the State Theatre - if that is what you want.
from i-am-jack :
Damn, I wish I knew what to say. That petty "it's nothing personal" when they damn well know it is, corporate condescending down talk is the worst. Especially when it is your dream they are talking about. Maybe it is not meant to be, but in your favor and at a loss to them. If you are good enough to have taught at more prestigious schools, then you are not only good enough, but better than them. You don't need their small town snobbery. You are probably destined for bigger brighter things.
from musikoid :
Brad Carroll - that's a blast. I doubt he remembers me, but we talked on the phone a couple times when I was MD of the Great American Melodrama and Vaudeville, and we were doing his *Snow White and the Five Dwarves." Very talented man. And yes, I know all about "Mormon-friendly" expressions here in Idaho. ;)
from i-am-jack :
(((Hugs))) No, it never does go away. I wish I could tell you it did.
from musikoid :
Well, you're about four or five inches taller than me, but I just hit 216lbs in my descent. The running really does help.
from i-am-jack :
You seem to be having a recurring dream theme of dropping or losing precious personal things in mud puddles. It might be worth looking examining.
from musikoid :
Great entry - Saturday 1/21, day after the inauguration. I might send you an email this week, I'm trying to stay focused tonight to wrap up Scene Four. Love & Hugs, Flood.
from i-am-jack :
"Today will be focused around preparing tonight's male" Now I am imagining some kind of very elegant vore dinner party. I know you meant to type "meal" but this made me laugh a little and I needed that.
from i-am-jack :
"What's your true north?" Wow thank you for this food for thought.
from i-am-jack :
Wow you really did have a happy birthday! It was beautiful and hopeful reading that you are starting to find/feel yourself again.
from musikoid :
Happy Birthday.
from i-am-jack :
Happy Birthday. As always I hope things get better for you.
from i-am-jack :
(((Hugs))) I am sorry. If it makes you feel better it was a completely unsentimental holiday season for me as well. Sometimes though, this sense of void is actually just waiting to be filled with something. It is open for possibilities. It is always dark in the beginning. You have been sick, and through non stop hell for a long time. You have every reason to feel like you do. But you seem to inherently want to enjoy the good in life, and can see beauty. Everything from your love of art, theater, cooking works art for yourself and friends. You are just tired right now. There will be something to look forward to again. I think all you really need is some peace and a chance to get back to yourself again. I hope you find that peace soon.
from i-am-jack :
Damn. You can not catch a break. Not even on Christmas. It feels like an asshole thing to wish you a Merry Christmas when I know it is anything but that. But I am going to wish you feel better soon not just physically, but in every area of your life.
from i-am-jack :
I am sorry your life has been so hard lately, well ever since your parents moved up. You are keeping it together amazingly given everything. You really deserve a long peaceful break. You are in my thoughts.
from life-my-way :
Not a jury in the world would convict you, my sweet, sweet friend. Well, not a jury compose of persons with parents. You are knocking this shit out of the park, again and again, and don't let some white Buick in black Kia drag tell you differently. Your parents, YOUR SISTERS!!!, owe you so incredibly much. So much, perhaps, that it's only possible to go on as if nothing because to address the reality of it all would be more than could be borne. But you are bearing it, you superhero, and you're leading by example. Too soon it will be me. XOXOXOX from Dixie
from musikoid :
There are those who would contend that grace is not the appropriate response to Trump's cabinet choices, and I must confess I am among them. http://musikoid.diaryland.com/burnt.html when you have the chance. It's mostly good news.
from musikoid :
:)
from musikoid :
Not to flood you, flood - but my writer's block is broken and I'm on a slow steady roll. The convo with the MFA director who may direct my earlier show is recorded verbatim (to the best of my memory) on Musikoid. Thank you again for your willingness to help. Needless to say, I am overjoyed.
from musikoid :
Forget anything I have said in the past twenty-four hours except for Happy Anniversary and Happy Thanksgiving. You may delete or not delete my pathetic notes about my interminable project and associated failed friendship with Phil.
from minstrelite :
And happy Anniversary. I didn't know, so what else is new. These holidays suck. I'll send you a link to my Homeless Christmas Day speech. Can't stand sitting in here alone another minute. Take care flood, I'll keep posting gratitude lists. It's been what's it been. Namaste.
from musikoid :
If you want to keep in touch by email, that's fine. It's what I said to everybody when I dropped out of Facebook, too. I just think - i know you care, but DiaryLand is one of those things that I would never do if it weren't a 14 year old habit by now. If somebody told me about something like this right now and I'd never heard about it before, I would shun it like the plague. And you told me two different stories - it just kind of bugged me, flood. I know nobody's perfect, but I just see this as a wake-up. Maybe I shouldn't even bother trying to finish the damn script, but when I saw the part that was probably the best part in the whole show, and all I could think once again was "That motherfucker! He never read my script! He did this on purpose to get the homeless bum out of his life because he is so uptight about his damned reputation!" I was being rained on one Christmas and all he thought was that I should be institutionalized. He's a sociopath, he's not a good guy, he has no compassion is heart whatsoever. None of those rich fucks I went to high school. Leaving DiaryLand now. I'll send you an email if something changes, like I can ever get anybody in the business to look at this god-damned script. Good luck with your siblings on Thanksgiving and Happy Holidays. Everybody in the Mainstream lies to me. Sick of it all. Dropping out of society, now. I have a job and an apartment, I'm not losing either, and that's all I need to be the writer whom I am. Fuck this world. OUT.
from i-am-jack :
Happy anniversary!
from musikoid :
You know, I just can't keep up with you. I really do try. Also, I should never have sought to involve you with my personal thing over Phil. Ever since you said that "he's not angry with me" I've been livid. Of course he isn't angry with me. He has nothing to be angry with me about. He is the one who hit me while I was down. All I had going for me was that show, and he not only shot it down, but after he shot it down, he proceeded to implement a total hit and run. And now I'm left with neither the friendship nor my show. I looked at it again today, and happened to turn to what is probably the best part of it, and that show is GOOD. He obviously did not read the script. I'm removing you from my friends list. I'm sorry, flood. You're a good man.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you...I hardly know what to say. With everything going on in your life, you are reading about mine and keeping me in your thoughts. Thank you is not enough, but I am kind of speechless.
from musikoid :
You sound better now, and I'm glad. :)
from musikoid :
Oh God, THANK YOU for this entry. Hey - I care about you. I was frustrated yesterday and about to take you up on your earlier offer, even though when we talked about it last I was thinking *six months* might be a better period to wait before trying to engage our mutual friend once again in my angst. I *have* resolved the issue now, and I've come up with a plan to finish my script that does not necessarily involve him. Frankly, I feel that his involvement would be *easier* on me, because of the bizarre psychological block that I've developed based on my not grasping the main thrust of his criticism - which I suspect is probably valid - but which I simply do not *understand.* I'm sharing this with you, knowing you have a lot going on now, just to let you know I'm confident now in where I'm at with this, and we'll hopefully not need to enlist your support. Of course, at *this* time, that request would be most unseemly! I am all for you going to A.A. and I am praying for you. You're a spiritual person and you may take to the Steps and to the support that many people have found in that Fellowship. Also, you are an intelligent and talented individual who already knows what he is about on this earth, so I trust you will not let the more dubious influences of that particular paradigm sway you from your course. I've been to hundreds of such meetings; and my suggestion would be "swallow the meat and spit out the bones." Right now, I am feeling this might be the best thing for you. All right, so about the script etc., I *CAN* FINISH IT NOW with or without P.'s involvement. However, if he *were* to decide to maybe give me a few examples of what he specifically meant by "over the top political references that get in the way of the story," I would probably be able to finish it faster. The "block" that I have keeps preventing me from moving forward whenever I encounter the confusing ambiguities that result from my not understanding or grasping *specifically* what or where those references are. All that said, should he decide to remain aloof, that's fine, because I'm decidedly engaging with other writers in a forum who will help me to trudge through this impasse. But the real subject here is your health and well-being, and your decision to prioritize sobriety in your life. So please feel relieved, and I apologize for any awkwardness in the timing of my request. I am rooting for you, in Love, as always, and praying for your Mom, as well. God bless you, and keep the faith.
from annanotbob2 :
Sending love and hugs always xxx
from musikoid :
https://edeninbabylon.com/2016/11/19/the-bottom-line/
from musikoid :
I meant http://musikoid.diaryland.com/bothdeath.html but - you know, I'm probably just having a bad day. It just irks me that I finally get inspired and figure out how to finally connect the dots on this damned script, and I *still* can't disassociate the script from this guy who dissed me while his ego was high. Fuck me.
from musikoid :
You haven't updated lately and I hope you're okay. Your last entry has me a bit concerned. Listen I sent you an email I probably shouldn't have - nothing bad about you, for God's sake, but it was on the subject of our mutual acquaintance, wherein you were so kind earlier as to try to intervene. I hope I didn't burden you, and you can contact him or not, as you choose - but I do request you read today's diary entry. I'm hoping I can somehow get through this fury without something awful happening somehow.
from i-am-jack :
Sweet relief.
from i-am-jack :
I feel so bad for you I do not have words to express it. You truly are in hell. I hope it ends soon.
from annanotbob2 :
Bless you. xxxx
from musikoid :
The klonopin, definitely.
from i-am-jack :
I hope you feel better soon. Maybe once your parents are in their own home, you can relax and decompress. You do make the most amazing meals it sounds.
from i-am-jack :
Sorry I am blowing up your notes, but right after reading/talking about it, I had one of those dreams last night. My parents, the police and the white coats were involved. It was very angry and not very fun. But it's making me think.
from i-am-jack :
I really appreciate having someone on the "inside" that I can talk about these things with. And about your dream, I have those kinds of dreams ALL THE TIME. I am an adult and in some kind of horrible heated fight with my parents. Usually my dad. They are treating me like a kid still but I am an adult. I wonder why I am still taking this shit when I don't have to. I am not sure how your upbringing was, it's none of my business, but mine was dysfunctional and fucked up. For me these dreams are about them/him still being in my head. Still wielding some kind of control or power over me.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for taking a moment to relate and share. I think I shake for both reasons, but I blame it all on having a nervous twitch. I am going to try to start paying closer attention. The time I had that horrible craving attack at work, it had been 3 days of not drinking when I was drinking a lot harder than I realized. Stealing a "kiss" from the wine bottle every time I opened the door really added up! Good luck detoxing if you choose to. Yeah I know how making sure you drink feels. That is kind of how I got in the habit of having my slow sip shots every day.
from i-am-jack :
Have fun. I am so glad that you are well enough to finally be able to go out and have some fun.
from musikoid :
Is anybody besides me having trouble with DiaryLand navigation? My most recent entry at this time is http://musikoid.diaryland.com/uare.html but I'm pretty sure you can't access it except by pasting that url into your browser. It doesn't show up in the archives are on index.html. I'm experiencing a few other sources of frustration here as well, so I thought I'd "ask around." Apologize for leaving the same note for everybody - but in this case, it seems the thing to do. Since I have two diaries, the complications are compounded, and so I'm not sure how much of the current navigation issues are mine & mine alone. Let me know, please, if you can. Thanks.
from musikoid :
Meant to add - I understand about the 'pity party' and am glad you snapped yourself out of it. However, also give yourself a break. You've been through hell, flood. Anybody would be depressed. You can own that self-pity. (My 2 1/2 cents.)
from musikoid :
I agree with Jack below. In addition, I think CBT can be a very good thing, and I hope you can get into it now with more heart. You know what they say: swallow the meat and spit out the bones. I didn't watch the debate either. I have affective issues with Hillary's opponent, such that I can't look upon his image or hear the sound of his voice without becoming very off-set. Even speaking his name is difficult for me. I did read the news this morning, and it's alarming how much rhetoric is subtly tilted in his favor. Enuf said.
from i-am-jack :
I just caught up on your entries. I am sorry you are in so much pain, I winced and cringed for you several times while reading. I really hope the surgery helps and is worth it, for everything you went and are going through. I am also sorry that the state of Michigan is sticking it to you, during all this. What kind of shit is that, being ineligible because you needed surgery! If anything you need benefits even more. I hope you start to feel better and things get better soon. You deserve happiness, comfort, peace and good things.
from musikoid :
Forgive me - I didn't even know it was your second surgery. Also for a while I was for some reason thinking the tumor was in the *brain* which would have made it brain surgery, which (to my mind) would have been even more freaky. I had to look into PCC, I guess pheos are very rare, and usually located by the adrenal gland. I guess I was naively thinking, endocrine relates to pituitary gland - but all this stuff is ancient history from high school anatomy classes that I probably almost failed anyway. My sister's the one who became the biologist, biophysicist actually, and a world-renowned expert on Charles Darwin (ironically enough.) Well! I am sure glad you're alive - I don't know if it would be alcohol withdrawal, the catheter alone is huge. They wanted to do that to me once and I declined and just prayed the whole thing would go away. That was four years ago. Unfortunately the same thing has recurred but I'm still slacking. Anyway, God is good. You are so loved, as evidenced by the many people who have been at your side, spiritually speaking, though distanced by miles and mountains. I'll keep praying for your ongoing recovery, and hopefully before long the whole ordeal will be a thing of the past. God bless -
from annanotbob2 :
Holding your hand across the ocean xxx
from musikoid :
We prayed for you at First Presbyterian Church this morning here. I'm sure it will be all right. I would be terrified too, but it will be all right.
from i-am-jack :
It's funny to me that you seem to be always buying La Croix water. I am kind of addicted to it too. An interesting thing I like to do is to drink the mango with Sauvignon Blanc. Not mixed. Just sip one then the other. Last night I was doing that with orange La Croix and Sangria. It was good but not as good.
from musikoid :
I'm compelled to comment - about Hunter. I understand you were perhaps being a bit hyperbolic, but I would definitely trust him in this context. It sounds to me like he's trying to "rise above." Such people need to be taken at face value. Also, you mentioned Liz Story, and her version of "My One and Only Love" instantly began to play in my head. Love Liz, used to sleep to her on shuffle when I had my studio in the 90's. Glad you got some good exercise. Rooting for you.
from i-am-jack :
And I just want you to know that I am reading. I don't always know what to say, but I do read. "It's important, because it hurt." that one line was so poignant. You may have defined *my* entire journal with those words.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for reading through that, when it might have been a little too close to home. And thank you for your warm words. It is definitely a very misunderstood and often mocked thing. Reading a great article on Cracked of all sites, the woman who wrote it said when she went to SAFE (self harm rehab) there were actually more adults there than teens. They just hide it better. Not everyone stops or "grows out of it". It is often a cyclic thing. I started hurting myself around Kindergarten or first grade. Some of my earliest memories are of me harming myself. I am going to continue writing about this as I need to, with appropriate trigger warnings of course. But I may have to lock up as much as I don't want to. I want to share my story. But someone already took a poop on my notes. Yeah real brave when you are locked But whatever. The best way to deal with shit is to clean it up and throw it away. I tried to delete it but it seems to have left a little stain.
from musikoid :
So the 12th is the day of the surgery, then. This is good to know. I'm praying for you, and I will think of you daily, and people on my "prayer chains" will pray for you. There's power in that. I wish you the best with this.
from musikoid :
Thanks flood, for the note. I wasn't exactly sure you were reading (only because one is never sure when one doesn't receive notes). Glad you are, however. I do read you pretty much daily, and so I have been following your present trial. I've been impressed with your character and honesty as always, and I will definitely keep reading as well.
from i-am-jack :
There is plenty of time left to make gazpacho. Plenty of time for garden fresh tomatoes. Don't feel bad, it sounds like you had more of a summer than I did. Even sick. I had a few flashes in the pan. My main accomplishment is that I did not drink the entire summer away like I did last year. There are days I look at it all and wonder if it was really worth staying sober for. Not completely of course. But not drowned the minute I get home from work until I go to bed, almost every single night. Sobriety after work became novel.
from i-am-jack :
I kind of laughed when you described my notes as light hearted. Yeah I am a very dark, depressive, (bipolar just diagnosed schizo affective actually) far too emo for my own good kind of person, but I do smile. I do laugh. I can actually be really weird and off the wall funny. I can be kind of a ham sometimes even. My journal is where I come to get it all out, so most of the time it is dark.
from i-am-jack :
Wow you have had a long last few days. Reading about everything going on medically with you right now left me kind of "..." You are being incredibly brave in the face of all of it. I wish I had something inspiring to say but I am kind of at a loss. I hope the surgery helps.
from musikoid :
My experience is that sometimes a doctor will downplay the chances of success of an operation or surgery, just because he's aware of the outside chance that it won't work out, and so he doesn't want to make any promises in the rare event that it shouldn't. I might be overly optimistic, but I think that when you felt relief over seeing a definite diagnosis and getting the sense that you *will* feel better after this thing is removed, those feelings were valid. I'm glad you got in to Ann Arbor, and I'm rooting for you, as always.
from i-am-jack :
Is that a picture of a Rothko painting? I saw a special on him once. He is a very interesting man. I especially like his darker paintings. His format is so simple, but he makes it work. It does something. Not all of it for me, but sometimes damn.
from i-am-jack :
What a nice surprise it was to find your note this morning. Then even more nice things said about me when I checked out your diary. Thank you for reading, hearing me, getting something out of it. It's weird. Sometimes I write in a more candid, naked, vulnerable way, other times I write in a more cryptic, dissociated way. To the point where someone once told me it sounds like two different voices entirely. Thank you again for dropping me a line.
from musikoid :
Or even just - the second to the last one.
from musikoid :
Hey flood - I'm sorry about the flurry. You only need to read the last two. The first three are impertinent, because I basically made a mistake with a link and sort of freaked out. Thanks for the mention.
from musikoid :
You're still an actor, flood. :)
from zenayda :
Could always start looking for a new gig. Aren't you coming up on your first anniversary there? Maybe I'm jumping the gun.
from musikoid :
Oh - I changed the user-pass again. Your email is elusive, so why don't you email me at andypope7 at zoho dot com if you want it.
from musikoid :
Hey - I just read your last five entries. That's good that you have a diagnosis. I looked into it a little bit on the Mayo web site. I guess most pheos are benign, and that hazardous symptoms will go away once it's removed. Not sure what exactly is your job, but they seem a bit insensitive. I'm sure, however, that if you happen to need to leave (for whatever reason), you will find work. You are a very talented man, and very determined. Don't forget that (like I did!) -- it's easy to forget who you are when the going gets rough in a scary or maddening fashion. It's also very understandable. Music has gotten me through a lot of rough times. Remember that your appointment is on Beethoven's birthday. That's meaningful. I hope you hear soon what will actually *happen* on the 16th. I am rooting for you - I believe God will be with you through this, and I am on your side.
from zenayda :
I am nearly willing to lay money it's an anxiety disorder. Not PTSD, but a related one.
from bangetsavoha :
It's a weird thing to be left on this site, huh? It's slowly disintegrating. So strange.
from musikoid :
praying for you . . .
from musikoid :
Oh - you're working at a Panera. I just caught up & read a couple entries, just thought I'd let you know. Um, I'm one of those people who, if he is over-talkative, is talking too much out of self-consciousness. It's a weird feeling -- I'll be aware that I'm self-conscious, and aware that I'm talking too much, but still seem unable to stop it. Happens more-often-than-not in "forced social situations" -- that might be an Introvert thing, I don't know.
from zenayda :
Does your hub have any straight brothers? Because that coffee on the nightstand? That is love. What a doll he is.
from zenayda :
Glad you got there with only a minor bump. It sounded like it was going to be a rough trip.
from jaysthoughts :
Yet another secret diary, locked away, never to be known..
from musikoid :
Thanks for your email. I might have written back but don't remember. I'm really upset. Phil hasn't talked to me for over a year, ever since I couldn't handle his treating me like a first year playwriting student and skimming my script and leaving a bunch of arrogant comments as though I was born yesterday. No reason to live but no reason to die either. Life totally sucks. I'm worthless.
from musikoid :
Wonder if I have your current email. I want to ask you a question; it's not a big deal; something having to do with some musical theatre lyrics.
from zenayda :
Now I want linguine with clam sauce. Hang in there, friend. Those who love you will understand, something I am learning, myself.
from zenayda :
All I could do after watching "The Normal Heart" was sit in silence for about half an hour. Sometimes the 80s seem like just yesterday. And then I see something like this, and I realize that they really were a different age entirely. All I could think was, "Until famous people started dying, no one else mattered." And so it was.
from musikoid :
echo/echo
from musikoid :
Hey Flood - I hadn't read you for a while (couple months or more) and just want to encourage you that in your "really struggling" entry, you actually sound really *good* in comparison to whenever I was reading you last, when you were sounding maybe more 'manic' (for lack of a better word). Glad to hear that you and Matt found an apartment. Let me know if you don't have the current user-pass for my diary. I hope you continue to do well.
from zenayda :
Would it be possible to put some stuff in storage? Or just be selective in which figurines and things to take out? I have stuff in boxes that I have not taken out the whole time I've been in NY.
from musikoid :
You sound good in your 4/23 entry, even from a place of lack, because you're projecting positive possible ways to enlarge your condition (joining a gym, getting more money through unemployment), and you seem more open than at other times.
from zenayda :
Yay! New digs! Also, lucky you with the male Rose-breasted Grosbeak. I've never seen one in the wild, but they have a nice song.
from zenayda :
Yep. Unfortunately, BC/BS tends to suck for people who aren't civil servants, and the rigamarole you are experiencing with having to try two other things before you can use one that you *know* actually works is one reason why. One day, maybe this country will join the rest of the civilized world in a single-payer system where people are allowed to get well.
from zenayda :
Thank you, sweetie! I'm declaring 2014 the Year of Perseverance. Amen about a job being good not just for the paycheck, but because it keeps one from sitting around and brooding. I would be so much happier in a day gig right now, if only for the distraction.
from zenayda :
WOOOO-HOOOO! Yes, you are an artist. You are an actor. This is how Guy do. ;-)
from annanotbob2 :
I don't know how it works either, but it does, for which I am truly grateful. Hi de hi xx
from zenayda :
Right back at ya, my friend. Also, what does she want that she doesn't have? Think Freudian. ;-)
from annanotbob2 :
Sending big hugs and love to you in these terrible dark times that are afflicting us all. xxxx
from zenayda :
One cool thing about starting your own business is that you get a lot of write-offs, especially on technology, like a computer. Considering where you work, you probably know all of this, but everything from internet access to virus protection to whatever programs you have to buy (MS Office, Quickbooks) all count. Same for web hosting fees and so on. The first year in particular is awesome because of office furniture.
from zenayda :
Even your *phone* is phoenix-colored! :-)
from zenayda :
Your entry about the lithp wath quite amuthing. I thee your thpark returning. A true Phoenikth, you are.
from zenayda :
You do have a life, my friend. You have a lot going on with your business, and a very active social life. Sometimes when I read your entries, I wonder if you have TOO much going on. If I win that PowerBall tonight, you and your hub are going on a nice vacation and you will come home already moved into a nice place with several months of your rent already paid. You need a break to just BE, with someone else doing the cooking and keeping house, and then, with a clear head, the time to make three-year and five-year plans.
from musikoid :
Mark Anton - I know that guy! Phil & I worked with him and his younger sister in a summer theatre program ages ago, of which I was Musical Director. This was in Stockton - his dad was the superintendent of the school district where the theatre program was based - high school, but extended over the summer, almost like Summer Stock. Brings back memories, good luck with the gig.
from minstrelite :
The last sentence of your 4/18 entry states my exact (and oft-stated) sentiments. It's possible that we never know, and it is largely a matter of faith. Possible --
from zenayda :
Also, I mean firing range earplugs. Derp. You said you were wearing earplugs. Get the heavy duty ones they wear at rifle ranges.
from zenayda :
Earplugs for coping with the bird, and use your cell phone on the highest setting as an alarm clock. Two of my other half's birds, a Sun Conure and a Cockatoo, wake up with their light comes on and start calling and raising a ruckus. The Cockatoo throws heavy toys off the top of his cage, and his voice can carry over several miles. The bird room shares a wall with the master bedroom, and I sleep through it all with earplugs in. The cell phone alarm, however, pierces right through the earplugs, because it's right next to the bed. It would be worth the few bucks for the remainder of your time there.
from musikoid :
Happy Birthday. :)
from zenayda :
Birds don't like change, and you being there is a change. Also, if the dove is the sole bird in the household, it may have taken a shine to you or Matt and could be wooing you or calling to you. Ideally, doves have a mate. Sorry the cooing bugs you. I miss M's ringneck dove fiercely. So wonderful to wake up Christmas morning to the cooing. But then again, it wasn't constant. Just morning and evening, which just flock-calling to see who is around and is what all birds do. Gee, Flood, maybe you have a new fan! ;-)
from musikoid :
It must be really hard to have seen a good, conceivably covetable, job that you were initially excited about turn into a source of trauma, followed not only by joblessness, but homelessness. You crossed my mind during the meditation meeting this morning, and I prayed that you and Matt will find a place of your own soon. Just want to let you know that I am still reading, and that you are in my prayers.
from minstrelite :
Try leaving a note for yourself. After that, the previous note will delete. Or, my having left this note might delete it. If neither, just wait a while, and it will go away. (I've done this a number of times.) Thanks for the congrats. It's One Day at a Time. :)
from musikoid :
I wonder if you have sleep paralysis. My doctor hadn't even heard of it. My brother and another friend told me about it. Apparently I've been having it since I was 14 years old. Google it sometime and see what comes up. That could explain the "dementor" too -- at least in part.
from annanotbob2 :
Hugs xxxxxxx
from musikoid :
They disrespected you. Then they rationalized their evil because they were in on it together. That really sucks, man.
from musikoid :
hm, that's odd... let me try again...
from musikoid :
Hey G. I'm on a new comp, and either I've suddenly forgotten your user/pass or it's been changed. Hope you're doing well...
from zenayda :
That's the irksome part about traveling when you have things on your mind: They just go along with you.
from minstrelite :
I'm starting to do well. I left the password change in the previous note.
from minstrelite :
It looks like things may be looking up for you, and I'm glad. User/pass changed to special/theory.
from musikoid :
I'll respond in some depth. I know a little about PTSD, and it's actually good that you don't generally identify the exact occurrence, at least not verbally to others out of carefully arranged context - and never casually. I made those mistakes early on, and they tended to re-trigger the PTSD symptoms. You probably know about the technique of "distraction" -- well, anyway, I understand your not identifying the event exactly. I think you might be aware of what happened to me; it was a prolonged 'violation' and affected my attitudes in certain areas of life adversely. But it does get better if conscientiously addressed. It sounds like you're on the right track. + I'm sorry about the job loss. I have a bad habit of *assuming* that everybody I know is always doing much, much better than I am -- as though I would be so "important" that my problems would necessarily be worse than anybody else's. I do feel confident, whether you do or not, in your ability to find new work. Private piano and singing students, or tutoring, coaching in Voice and Speech, etc. -- these are ways to make bits of money and keep up your self-esteem while unemployed. I'm looking at those things myself as well. I feel more "confident" now than earlier, although I know of course those assessments can be elusive. In any case, you are in my prayers. Thanks for the communications - I've wondered about you, and I'm glad we're back in touch. Love, A.P.
from musikoid :
Something must have happened in April that triggered PTSD symptoms. Or maybe it just resurfaced -- but I feel like I might be being too personal in asking the questions. I can just go back and read your April entries. I was given that diagnosis after a traumatic event in a motel room in 2004 shortly after my mom died; I may have alluded to this in some entries. I think PTSD is treated by many of the same medications that treat bipolar (or at least Depakote and similar anti-convulsants or mood stabilizers.) That might be outdated information, though, as I am no longer up on these things. Glad you have a good therapist and are confident in your recovery. God bless.
from musikoid :
If you don't mind answering, I've wanted to ask since I've been reading again -- what is the medical condition that is causing the adrenalin rushes and other symptoms? It sounds like something that could be a side effect of medication interactions. But I gather it's something more serious than that. I haven't been able to pick this information up readily while reading. If you don't mind a reply, you can send an email or leave me a Note. I'm just concerned.
from eliza1970 :
I sent my support knowing that every sinew of yours was dealing with that horrible situation. I didn't expect a reply because you were in crisis lockdown. I know what my own version of that is like. I could only deal with the very basics of what would get me through the day. Please just know that I support and follow your journey. You are an adventurer, an explorer. And that's a position only the brave can hold x
from musikoid :
Thanks for your note. I sort of assumed the situation was as it was at around the time I stopped reading you. The only reason I didn't know differently is because I wasn't able to remember your user pass. I figured I'd sleep on it, and it did come back to me (if it still contains an unusual word beginning with the letter "r" - that's the word I couldn't remember). Also, it's definitely not the case that lack of opportunity is the *only* reason for the disparity I mention. Throughout your life, you have done the right things that are geared toward getting someone a good position, though with hard work involved to get there. By that I mean, you attended classes, finished your papers, got your degree (or degrees), turned in your applications, made it to interviews on time, etc. I can't claim not to be challenged in that area, although at this point the challenge is almost entirely material and logistic. There are things I used to do very easily when I still had an automobile, for example, as well as decent clothing and a cell phone and that sort of thing. It would be almost impossible for me to work in my comfortable, customary field without those things. Yet the amount of money it will take to acquire those things has escaped me for years. For a period of time, I did not believe myself capable of working, because the evidence of the manic episode and all the subsequent diagnoses and psycho-analyses weighed on me. But now, I can't get a bipolar diagnosis for the life of me. In three recent evaluations, I was told I have "no mental health disorder." I haven't taken psych meds in at least two years, and psychiatrists are fine with that. Bottom line for me is that, at some point after being homeless and borderline-homeless for almost three years, and being surrounded by a completely different culture than I was accustomed to, one in which smiles are regarded as suspect, new acquaintances are generally hostile, it is assumed one has criminal intentions, and street drugs are used widely to be able to cope with such conditions; it seems to me it was inevitable that I would resort to those drugs as well. I feel confident in my recovery *now* and I'm on top of my professional skill set *now* -- but who's going to hire me from down here? If, as you say, you've been reading, you'll know that I've found some signs of hope within the Berkeley Fellowship. So I do believe that as I avoid the street drugs, eventually people in my life will see this, and eventually I'll be able to work again, and do the things I enjoy doing, the things God designed me to do. I did tune in to your health issues toward the end when I was reading you, and I apologize if I was insensitive to that. I'll begin reading you again - I'm glad we sort of broke some ice here. Hey! Thanks, man. I've always thought of you as a great guy. Keep your chin up. Your best is always great.
from musikoid :
Hey G. - just saw you were online. I apologize for my chronic bad attitude. Read my entry from this morning. The password is rational/recovery. See the kind of world I live in. Most of the time I feel helplessly trapped here. I never thought I was a person prone to jealousy. But when I would read about how your life is *exactly* the kind of life I *wish* I were living, and I ponder how the *only* thing that keeps me from living it is lack of opportunity - and I truly believe that - I would become insanely jealous. I would think: "Why does Guy get to be around dynamic Artists and Actors and directors and playwrights and students and professors and so forth, when *I* am probably just as talented and certainly just as enthused about Musical Theatre, and yet I have to be around thieves and vandals and drug addicts and hustlers and burn-outs twenty four hours a day? But it's like the Problem of Evil. Who knows the answer? I just hope something changes. We both know I am a very talented man; I've turned 60; I'm thinking toward my latter years, and I don't want to die in a gutter. It's that simple. Please forgive me my juvenile attitude. For years now, I have felt hopelessly trapped in homelessness, in a way that seems impossible to repair. That's no excuse for my behavior, but it is my reality. God bless you. Love, Andy
from zenayda :
You just knocked some perspective into my head. I suspect your soldier would want to throttle me right about now, too.
from annanotbob2 :
20/6/13 xxxxxxx
from annanotbob2 :
Holding your hand across the water. Whatever else you are, you are most certainly not a loser and I hope that feeling will pass on double quick. Rest, rest and more rest, with pampering and love. xxx
from eliza1970 :
Please be good to yourself. Heal, rest and take us with you wherever your adventure takes you next. With love, Kx
from annanotbob2 :
want to add a comma after different
from annanotbob2 :
More, but different hugs xx
from annanotbob2 :
Hugs and love always xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
from minstrelite :
Oh, and by the way, thanks for nothing. :(
from zenayda :
Oh, you'd probably be able to tell which ones are behind this if you had to teach them again. Kids aren't that good at hiding smugness, not even ones with some talent as actors.
from zenayda :
The whole aspect of secrecy to this just chaps my hide. Not sure what they're waiting for, but I find the delay to be a form of punishment in and of itself.
from musikoid :
Meant: "admittedly difficult personality" and "number of week ago." I've been leaving out entire words lately in my typing, some kind of reaction to increased stress. Also, please take my sarcasm with a grain of salt. I need it in order to function these days; it's nothing personal, you're supposed to chuckle at it. Thanks, Guy.
from musikoid :
Hey Guy. I understand that I have issues, and regret any inappropriate expressions in recent communications. However, my general statement is that, although I become almost livid with envy these days towards the many people who frequently, in one form or another, remind me of their cars and houses and wives and pets and flights and aquariums, etc., while I am in such an abominably difficult socio-economic bracket to want to have to hear people discuss such items of their personal happiness; that envy is always alleviated whenever one of those people takes a little bit of time to listen to my music, or to listen to one of my speeches. The reason for this is that I can then breathe the sigh of relief that always occurs when I no longer feel that person in the higher socio-economic bracket or privileged class is obviously *not* blowing off the value of my Artistic offering to humanity on the basis of either my abject poverty or my admittedly personality. I understand you have 3000 Facebook friends, whereas I keep mine down to a cool 19 or 20. I undertand that you lead a very busy and productive life surrounded by vibrant Artists and Actors and teachers and students and so forth, whereas I am surrounded by thieves, drug addicts, pimps, prostitutes, etc. etc. whether I want to be or not; and so it may be very difficult for you to pencil in the five or ten minutes in your schedule that would satisfy my desire here; however, once you do find it in your schedule to listen to some of the poor fucked up homeless person's music, I will then, if you wish, return you to my favorites as well as my exclusive Facebook social club, both of which I removed you from a number of weeks because I absolutely could stand the effects that this disparity was having on my health. Thank you, Guy.
from pasmonnom :
Hey, I just checked in after being away from Diaryland for a while. I can't believe it! Well, fuck the bastards. Hang in there. I'm sure everything will work out in the end.
from zenayda :
Thinking of you.
from eliza1970 :
I want to send you my love and let you know that my thoughts are with you. I am one of your quieter readers but I will read and root for you always. Please take good care of yourself. Kirstie x
from musikoid :
Don't feel like you have to listen to my music. The whole plea was pathetic and based entirely on jealousy. It's fine that Phil and my other friend Jeff and occasionally my brother listen. Most of it sucks anyway. Um -- would appreciate your trying to delete my awful notes from when I was flipped out earlier -- they're just an embarrassment, not that anyone cares. But you know -- why should I be spewing my whole misery over the Internet and affecting people? It would be a nice gesture. OK take care.
from zenayda :
I'm of the mind that any group that discriminates against gays is comprised of douchebags, so unless your friend is actively working to change that within her church, I don't see where you could have been offensive. Bigotry is bigotry, and should not be tolerated by anyone. In other words, if one is not part of the solution, one is part of the problem, and if people find that offensive, that's too dang bad. The Catholic Church has been hell on gays. Enough is enough.
from musikoid :
Glad you're feeling better. I'd read that you were depressed a day or two ago, but have been unusually distracted lately. On another subject, sent you an email.
from zenayda :
I hear ya about bank accounts. Sometimes I wish I had just gone into another field entirely because I'm just so tired of thinking about it month to month, week to week, day to day.
from zenayda :
Too funny: I listened to "Cell Block Tango" on Spotify just yesterday, and (I hope) drove my pesky downstairs neighbors nuts while singing it in the shower.
from annanotbob2 :
Jesus, Flood. Hugs and love and gratitude that you are who you are xxx
from musikoid :
Your diary always makes me jealous. But I'm glad things seem to be going so much better for you now.
from musikoid :
Wow - that pianist sounds great...
from musikoid :
"I will speak only for myself: Because I do not trust for a minute that I actually have that ability. And I trust an infinitesimal minority of those who claim they do." I would have to agree with you on that one. Only in my case, perhaps not "infinitesimal" -- but certainly a minority.
from musikoid :
Also, I fully understand that this would breed resentment. My behavior was uncalled for.
from musikoid :
Hey Flood -- I was just reading your Monday morning entry. Actually, yes -- I do regret some emailing. I basically wasn't in my right mind. However, I didn't *know* that I wasn't in my right mind. I guess that's all part of it. I have a condition that appears to be exacerbated by lack of sleep -- sometimes in a huge way, such as yesterday. It is also treated *by* sleep, usually. I've slept now, and I feel all right and am thinking more clearly. I think that the email that was sent to you and had Phil and maybe a third person whom you don't really know (a family member) would be among those that I regret. But any email sent in the time period evidenced my thought and mood disorder. When I came home last night, I asked everybody to delete whatever I had sent them in that 24-hour period or so. I think I just fell asleep before I got to you. I hope I didn't cause you any unnecessary stress.
from musikoid :
It's 7:30 PST as I leave these two notes - 10:30 where you are? I don't know if this is pointless or not, or if you can get to Phil -
from musikoid :
If you're online can you check your email?
from musikoid :
Well, Phil and I healed things up -- and in a way that was inspiring. I'm glad your health has finally improved. I hope your running accelerates. It sounds as though you're off to a good start. I don't know the connection between you and the friend who passed, but please accept my condolences. For the record, Andrew is in Toronto. I once had his P. O. Box, and have had *some* success interacting with him through snail mail. I also have his personal email, which he tends to check more regularly. My experience, however, is that he only responds to things that are either *extremely* urgent, unless they happen to be *extremely* interesting, irrespective of their level of urgency. Anyway, thanks for making mention of me, and for the email exchange yesterday. I shouldn't be so paranoid and self-centered, but I will say that a little goes a long way. About the gut-earnest prayer you quip, I have found in my experience that when we are up-front with Him, even about our doubting His existence, He appreciates it a lot more than if we only offer Him pretense. He knows when we're only trying to kiss His ass, and the honest prayers are the ones He hears and considers. God bless you, GWM.
from musikoid :
Neurosis and perfectionism have set in simultaneously. I will not be able to rest until I correct all the typos in the multi-typographical-erroneous note below. After that, you may delete the rogue effort, or not, depending on your preference. Perhaps this will all provide comic relief on some future Friday night...here goes.
from musikoid :
Meant: "I don't KNOW THE connection." Bizarre. :)
from musikoid :
Boy, those were really long notes I left! Perhaps this will be too -- but here goes. :) Well, Phil and I healed things up -- and in a way that was inspiring. I'm glad your health has finally improved. I hope your running accelerates. It sounds as though you're off to a good start. I don't connection between you and the friend who passed, but please accept my condolences. For the record, Andrew is in Toronoto -- I once had his P.O.Box, and have had *some* success interacting with him through snail mail. I also have his personal email, which he tends to check more regualarly. My experience, however, is that he only responds to things that are either *extremely* urgent, unless they're also *extremely* interesting. Anyway, thanks for making mention of me, and for the email exchange yesterday. I shouldn't be so paranoid and self-centered, but I will say that a little goes a long way. About the gut-earnest prayer you quip, I have found in my experience that when we are up-front Him, even about our doubting His existence, He appreciates a lot more than if we only offer Him pretense. He knows when we're only trying to kiss His ass, and the honest prayers are the ones He hears and considers. God bless you, GWM.
from musikoid :
Hey -- sorry to have included you in my despair regarding our mutual friend. I've worked through it now, and I'm better with it all -- but I ought not to have dumped on you in the manner that I did. It's just that I've gotten older, and sometimes weary, and over the years more tired of being directed to doctors and agencies and facilities when what's on my mind is where my next meal might be coming from and where I can lay my head at night, without having to be hassled by criminals, or treated like a criminal, and all the other horrific abuse that society inflicts upon her homeless. I don't mean to exude self-pity either, I only speak my truth. I may or may not be bipolar -- but I'm tired of sleeping on the streets. Hope you had a better Christmas than I did. I didn't read that part. I was busy getting rained on and walking the streets -- but no one else is to blame for that. You've had your issues as well -- and I've admired the way you've dealt with them. I'm just one of those people who doesn't forget, and I hope people someday listen to my music. That's all -- sorry to have bothered you. It was early this morning, and I was mad at Phil. Take care and God bless you.
from musikoid :
For the record, the reason I approached you again was because when I was on the streets in Berkeley and it was hard to get anyone to listen to me, I had this vague sudden intuition that maybe G.W.M. was someone who believed in me and might believe in my music. It was just a vague thought, and I'm sorry for the sentiment expressed in the Note below, because I can tell it is born of deep despair, approaching death and dying in its energy -- but I just can't go on when all I want to do is give this gift of music to the world and everybody treats me like shit - I was called riff-raff by social workers and I lived two years on the streets of that horrible town without any being even recognizing I had a damn thing to offer. If I appealed to people who live in the Mainstream -- Phil included -- I basically got the vibe that I needed "professional help" which is one thing -- but how is it going to put a roof over my head or food in my stomach and who the hell is going to pay for it? I got tired of my abject desolute poverty being viewed as a "mental health problem" it was just a smokescreen, a decoy, a way to not deal with the actual hurting human being, but try to sluff him off as a nut case, hope he sees a shrink, and get him out of the way. I thought *maybe* G.W.M. *might* listen to a song or two of mine, and *might* be impressed and we'd take it from there, wherever "there" was but it had to be better than "here." And I know what you would say to me, if you did say something, because you and I have been through something remarkably similar to this at the start -- your honesty and mine is what made us friends in the first place, and that beginning was beautiful. But where is that friendship now? You might think I'm nuts even to think this way, and maybe I am, I just don't forget people - and I'm not in the Stream, I don't have a car, I can't be in more than one or two spots a day, I don't have a cell phone, I'm totally disadvantaged, not whining, just telling it like it is. It's next-to-impossible for any homeless person ever to rise to the position of getting a landlord or possible housemate to even believe he is worth having a roof over his head; and to be told (by Phil and others) that the solution must lie in psychiatry is frankly offensive and hurtful when he spent Christmas celebrating with friends and I was being rained on and pissed on and kicked about by angry jerks on the streets, hungry, broke, hurting, demoralized, and almost believing I was the total piece of shit they all made me out to be. + So that's where I'm at and maybe that will explain some things. Anyway - gonna try to run a few miles, at least for the time being I'm in a hotel room and have enough change for coffee. Take care.
from musikoid :
You know, Guy - you never answer my notes, you used to listen to my music "sometimes" -- you used to say you cared about me, and I believed it. I'm tired of this. I'm having problems with Phil, I almost died on Christmas Day, this thing is killing me, I have limits. I wrote last night again -- shit man, do you think I don't have the slightest dignity at all? Let's not read each other's diaries -- you haven't changed the password in forever, but I don't feel comfortable delving into the private life of a fellow theatre person who obviously doesn't give a fuck about me, it's fucking sick man and I'm tired of all this. Sorry -- it's just that I can only take so much rejection from people when I'm at such a low bottom in terms of my ability to get anything done at all. I used to think I had bipolar disorder and all that other bullshit, but two years of being treated like sub-human feces on the streets showed me where the real problems lie. If you're not going to be my friend, then why are we engaging in this ridiculous masquerade? I won't read your diary again, you don't have to read mine -- in fact, don't. You don't care about me, and why should I have my diary be read by someone who doesn't care? I do wish the best for you; I think you're a great guy in your own world; I'm just not part of that world, nor you of mine, though I've invited you to be. But what sane man in his right mind would *want* to be a part of my miserable, pathetic world? I barely even have enough money to shave and brush my teeth most mornings, let alone produce all this music I so painstakingly write every day. I can't take it any more. I can't take the pain. Goodbye.
from musikoid :
Hey Happy Birthday, Man. On my 51st birthday I got off a bus from San Francisco to Stockton, ran into the Blackwater Cafe, fell down on my knees, and kissed the floor of the cafe with my lips. Not sure exactly what that means, but it's an interesting memory. Hope the year holds good things for you. You are truly an amazing man.
from musikoid :
Good luck getting a response from Andrew.
from minstrelite :
Happy New Year.
from annanotbob2 :
Sending you a big hug xxx
from musikoid :
I know. It's horrible.
from musikoid :
Happy Anniversary!
from annanotbob2 :
I'm sorry to hear you're home alone but very glad you chose to stay and look after your health. Best wishes xx
from annanotbob2 :
Sending you a hug, just because x
from minstrelite :
Or http://burdenproject.org/music -- it's all there, the stuff I'm comfortable with, anyway.
from minstrelite :
Great entry (like sands through the hourglass...) but the thing is, when I read of your life, it is all so identifiable for me (I mean, professionally), much moreso than anyone else's diary here on DiaryLand, I only regret that my focus is not sufficient to permit me to read every word of every entry; for you also are identifiable in terms of your prolificity. + Anyway, I don't know if you have my most recent passwords. I'll send an email. Sent you nine songs of mine the other night, btw, that I did within the past year since using the Garritan Personal Orchestra. Take care.
from annanotbob2 :
Holding your hand across the ocean as we both fight back the beastly black dog. Hugs xxx
from musikoid :
Nice entry (Ambivalence). Reminds me of things I like to do.
from musikoid :
Just letting you know I've been reading. I'm not sure I understand your health condition, but it definitely doesn't sound like fun.
from musikoid :
What exactly happened to your foot? Was it an injury caused by running? That's good that it's getting better...
from musikoid :
Love the Bertrand Russell quote, and love Chariots of Fire. I remember I saw it with my Dad, and it was a good moment, me and him. Thinking of you.
from zenayda :
It's official: I'm adding "Vacation for Flood and Hub" to my "When I Win the Mega Millions" list. Someplace where you can lounge about, get hot stone massages, watch the sun rise or set with no worries about scheduling and *having* to sleep or not sleep, beautiful accommodations, astounding food, and cool breezes.
from musikoid :
Parallel weather report, it seems. It had been nice, then suddenly rained. Hope it doesn't affect your ticket sales. I feel disconnected a lot from the people I love as well -- it just seems that they are all in different cities and I barely know what city I live in to begin with. Anyway I am locked again, and if you're reading, write me for the password. Oh by the way I don't remember writing the note below about another user. Please delete it. Thanks.
from zenayda :
Well, shoot. I guess I'll just keep my beak shut about looking forward to the outfits in The Great Gatsby.
from zenayda :
That syncing stuff makes my Zune nearly impossible to deal with. And look! They don't make them anymore! Coincidence? I think not.
from zenayda :
What's in a name? That which we call a flamingo By any other name would snark as tweet.
from musikoid :
I'm having a bit of a bad day -- but anyway I shifted over here and locked up after these people starting using my full name here just to get my goat. It worked and I felt like a fool for falling for it, because all they were doing was fucking with me. Anyway write me for the user/pass if you have the energy to read me these days. Write me at starsworth@mail.com thanks G. Hope your foot gets better --
from minstrelite :
Wow - I'm actually the person who left you the very most recent note (even though it was some time ago.) I've been reading you lately, and I don't yet know if you are referring to CBT when you talk about your therapy, but I got into that and learned that it really *is* useful to identify the *thoughts* that lead to associations with self-destructive behavior and emotions. I've had some success in this in, for example, not allowing my thinking to distort to the point that I am blaming other people or "God" for mistakes for which I am actually responsible and could go about correcting, in time, if I can only be more patient with myself. + Anyway, you do seem better off now than when you were at Kuztown (sic.) but that is only a perception based on very limited information. + I abandoned my online diary at WordPress and a bunch of other blogs that were taking up too much of my time, but I will be writing here (user/pass = borbo/cork) at least until I finish the libretto for my current project. + I always forget everything I do if I ever take a Xanax.
from minstrelite :
Your story about A.B. reminded me of this guy Roger when I was working for a now-nonexistent company in Santa Rosa called the Marquee Theatre. We did Boyfriend there, so it's on my mind after recently getting screwed on that show as I related in my WordPress blog. Anyway, I was the only straight guy in the pretty small company, and Roger became a Mormon mid-way through Cole rehearsals. It was truly bizarre. + I have a difficult time distinguishing thoughts from feelings as well. INFJ, feeling-type-man, etc. + I decided not to return here, but there are 222 entries currently on my locked WordPress blog at http://truth2seek.wordpress.com - You, GWM, are more than welcome to subscribe.
from annanotbob2 :
xxx
from annanotbob2 :
Depression is a reason, not an excuse xx
from annanotbob2 :
You are very welcome. Had you spotted that I closed that blog and am now annanotbob2 - with added discretion, hopefully. xxx
from annanotbob2 :
You are amazing, Flood. You achieve SO MUCH whilst fighting depression. I am in awe. Best wishes xx
from annanotbob :
Lovely, lovely , lovely. So glad to read you having happier times after all the upheaval. xx
from annanotbob :
Moving is hell. You are doing brilliantly, getting done what needs to be done. Almost there. Sending love and good wishes to welcome you into your new home and happiness xx
from annanotbob :
Yay! You are such a star! xxxx
from minstrelite :
I'm sorry I haven't been reading you lately, and I hope my last email was not insensitive. (I don't know whether it was or not. This is a grey area for me.) I am not as conservative as I was the day before yesterday. Things are really hard right now, but not for the usual reasons. I am going to start talking with Father Rick again, and I think I will go back to the Episcopal Church. God bless you.
from annanotbob :
You are amazing - pulling that out of the hat when you're fighting off depression! Reading this entry made me want to be in one of your classes as well as get back to having classes of my own. Wishing you peace in your heart x
from annanotbob :
Hi - I bet you wowed them. I had the best meal I ate in the States at Five Guys in Allentown... You couldn't resend me your p/w, could you? I'm mainly on my laptop these days and don't have it there. annamills46@hotmail.com Sending you love and hugs across the ocean x
from annanotbob :
Oh darling, I so wish I could sit down next to you and give you a big hug while you have the massive cry that all this crap warrants. Sending good vibes and support winging their way across the ocean from me to you. This will pass xx
from minstrelite :
I can identify with the experience of becoming angry all over again by writing about something that otherwise I might have been already in the process of putting behind me. Also, sometimes re-living the experience can be a trigger. (Same thing, sort of.) I kind of hope you didn't already read the second-to-the-last entry of mine, because it dawned on me that I could have seriously upset a couple of my readers with those words. I just now truncated the entry at the point where I was beginning to become more and more angry; which as you know, in my case, tends to cause me to come across more and more right-wing in some of my sentiments, to the point where I regret it later, because I'm only expressing a distorted perception that comes out when I'm pissed off like that. So while I usually think that journaling is therapeutic, there does come a point where it actually aggravates the conditions from which one is seeking release. Hope things go better for you this week.
from minstrelite :
Take it easy. I'm just now recovering from my first flu in just over ten years. Slept most of it off except for a lingering runny nose - maybe you can sleep, not having to go in today. Good luck.
from minstrelite :
That was weird that he assumed you would never have had any vocal problems.
from minstrelite :
Haven't finished reading your entry yet (this is one of those 'sensory overload' days) - but this struck me already: "nstead you made it clear you're furious but left me wondering about why, exactly, and I feel terrible and insecure that I've damaged our friendship." You're kinda like me in that regard. I only recently learned (if you can believe it) that not everybody is like that, and that some people could actually care less if they don't know why someone they care about is angry with them. Almost makes me think they don't care about them. But - guess it takes all kinds.
from minstrelite :
Forgot to finish the thought. I asked P.H. about his range and he never got back to me. I'm never going to finish the lyrics to my song "Renegade" if I can't at least *imagine* somebody singing it. As you may have read, it's on sale at iTunes for 99 cents, just run a search on my name at the store.
from minstrelite :
Wow - I must have been really pissed when I left that last note - I just saw it. I don't use the f-word too often...or do I? Anyway, curious what your range is. Some Enchanted Evening? Do you identify as a baritone? I asked P.H. about a month ago if he could sing a song of mine with a low note of B below C below Middle C, and a high note of G# above Middle C. I kinda know his range from way back, but often guys lose their high notes over the years. Anyway, just curious.
from minstrelite :
Fucking Family is right. Good luck at PA Shakes.
from minstrelite :
Please read my entry (which you might have anyway) and know that there is no logical nor sequential connection between 'G' and 'PH' in that sentence. It's just that 'PH' is my friend of 37 years, and I tend to calm down after I talk to him, so sometimes I put 2's and 2's together. It's all good. Hope you find a job teaching Acting, and not just Speech. Many blessings - A.
from annanotbob :
Belated happy birthday, Guy. I did the Artist's Way about ten years ago - it runs as a group here, where you do a chapter a week togther - and it was HUGE. I wish you well with it and look forward to hearing how you're doing. Argue those 'blurts' into submission - they talk bollocks and we know it. xx
from minstrelite :
I know you are a good actor and a good teacher - and Phil and I have talked, and he knows what you are capable of. I hope you had a good birthday. And may 2009 be the best.
from minstrelite :
I wanted to give you my user/pass. I just started writing here again last night, so there's one entry (as of now), and it's very positive. Auspicious. You'll probably like it. Anyway, write me if you want to read - and Happy New Year.
from musikoid :
My brother and I have both noticed that ambien doesn't seem to work consistently day after day. The first two or three days are great, then it loses efficacy. Steve's solution was to take it every other night, and drink himself to sleep on the alternate nights. Not sure that is the healthiest course, but at least it assued him of some sleep. Have you tried melatonin?
from annanotbob :
{{{hugs}}}
from minstrelite :
Everybody is so normal compared to me. :(
from musikoid :
I never remember my dreams, and after reading yours, I'm glad. You can read me if you want, I just came back under a different name. This wasn't impulsive. I talked with someone I respect back and forth in emails for about two weeks before making the decision. It's unlocked, it just won't link to my actual name...
from zenayda :
You are destined for greater things.
from life-my-way :
Though it does no one any good, please know that I'm hating the fools right along with you. Changing your section indeed--if you must teach one intro course, how is one any different from another (to them, worlds of difference to you). Love, love, love, K.
from life-my-way :
Funny, my (sublime) yoga instructor uses that same language, "notice how that went for you," when we remember our intention from the week before. All about non-judgment, non-comparison, equanimity. Maybe it's a cultural thing. I love that you're loving yoga, it's the best. thanks to you, I may make it back to class on Wednesday. Love, love, love, K
from zenayda :
I envy you your Scrabble nights! And you know, I must write life-my-way...
from minstrelite :
Somebody's got *my* life, I know that much.
from zenayda :
Hey, it's great that you lost ONLY an hour in Beltway traffic! But now you know why I never owned a car when I was there. Also, the chair sounds wonderful.
from minstrelite :
Your entry of 5/21 is really good.
from life-my-way :
So sorry about the loss of your friend. That's an incredibly beautiful picture of a, clearly, beautiful man. Fingers are crossed and good thoughts thunk for OK job and safe, happy travels. Love, K.
from minstrelite :
I'm insecure that I might be leaving too many notes, but I read you every morning and only note you approximately one out of every ten times I read you. This morning's entry http://floodtide.diaryland.com/100402_75.html seemed particularly deep, and I may send you an email.
from minstrelite :
Although I've been happy for you to have gained full professorship, and although I've enjoyed your accounts of the way you've related to your students at times when it has seemed that you have received due fulfillment in your work; the larger part of me is sympathetic toward the unhappiness you have working at this particular institution and having to live in the particular area that you do. There are, as you write, a number of inconveniences, and it doesn't strike me that the two of you are rural types to begin with. It seems to me that to find a metropolitan area where you both will thrive would be a reasonable objective. You will be able to take your positive teaching and directing experience there as well, and K. won't look *bad* on your resume. It sounds as though it's mainly a matter of agreement, commitment, and motivation. I'm rooting for you, G., and you are in my prayers. P.S. Hope the hangover has subsided by now (6:45pm your time) - my guess is you've already had a newfound beverage. The hair of the dog, as we say.;)
from minstrelite :
"Half-hour-long, over-the-phone acting coaching with Thom, and I told him it was the most fun I'd had in a long time while keeping my clothes on. It was ecstasy. To explore the language and the possibilities with someone who's so smart, hungry, excited, passionate, and available - not to mention that talented - was a trip back to a world I hadn't visited more than a time or two in a long, long while. He promised to call me after he'd read and I hung up the phone and leaned back in my chair and fairly shouted up into the ceiling Hal-le-fucking-LU-jah!" - I was drawn toward this because I am looking forward to the possibility of a similar experience tonight in a corresponding department.
from minstrelite :
In the paragraph beginning with "I talked to Simon" you wrote "excised" and either I don't know the meaning of that word, or you might have meant "exorcised" or even "exercised." Just wondering.
from minstrelite :
I'll ask my friend if she's familiar with the company or has worked there. Odd that you haven't had my password. I'll send it to you right away.
from minstrelite :
Was the 'Adam & Eve' show AT Scranton? I hadn't been following for a while before today. Reason I ask is that one of my very first D-Land friends went to Scranton & double-majored in theatre and journalism. She's graduated now but might have been involved.
from life-my-way :
So glad you're better! Loved the opening quote, from the end(ish) of Franny I believe. After these many years it's still so easy to be transported to that restaurant, the date, her falling apart. I so hope that unpublished works are found, and lots of them. XOXO K.
from life-my-way :
Interesting and true (of me at least) what you say today about fragility and the ease with which balance can be upset. I believe that is why I, too, have insulated myself from Haiti as much as possible. I already feel keenly the fragility of everything that is my life and my support system and the delicacy of the balance that I (barely) maintain in order to make possible the basic work of the day. To be reminded that everything can literally fall flat around you is just too much for me right now. I'm no longer excited about the possibility of promotion for fear of unintended consequences and upset apple carts. But enough about me. I'm hoping, reiki-ing, praying that the latest round of antibiotics will do the trick and your health be restored. Also that your syllabi prove to be of the sort that write themselves flawlessly and without a sense of urgency and panic. So much love, K
from life-my-way :
Still sick? It's been so long. So very long. I begin to wonder if you're allergic to Pennsylvania. If so, perhaps we could get you a doctor's note in support of a nice relocation to a place of your choosing. That's my $.02.
from minstrelite :
Thanks for your email. Hope you get well soon.
from minstrelite :
Well, I guess you're still letting me read you diary, so I can't be all bad. It's just that when someone says the words "I have come to care about you" and then doesn't answer your notes or emails for six months, you start to wonder. Merry Christmas.
from life-my-way :
Just a few days until Christmas break, may it rejuvenate and refresh us all. I think of you as I slog through end of semester grading, wondering if you're doing the same. Love and light, K.
from minstrelite :
Hey Flood - I haven't heard from you in a long time. I never did send you that one entry you requested some months ago when I was still in the Valley. If you read my entry of this morning I think you will understand. I am not exactly sure who my friends are at this exact moment, but I hope you will say a prayer for me. Best to you, A.
from life-my-way :
Hoping, HOPING, things improve vastly and soonly. I share your frustration with all the things that are beyond your control while having such an impact on what you do (are trying to do...). Ear-deep in that here, too. Thinking of you with love and believing this is just a crucible, not a dead end. XOXO K
from minstrelite :
I doubt very seriously that you're a "mediocre teacher."
from minstrelite :
I've begun to have a glass of water first thing in the morning and wait a half hour before having coffee. I was advised to take my synthroid medicine with water on an empty stomach and wait a half hour before consuming anything other than water. But this also has the benefit of putting water into my system first thing in the morning, and of declining to caffeinate myself immediately upon awakening, as has been my lifelong habit. I read somewhere (actually it was emotionalist on diaryland, who also read it somewhere) that most of our ills can be avoided if we drink a tall glass of water first thing in the morning. Also, I find it nice to do some reading for that half-hour while sipping the water. Then, once I introduce the caffeine into my system, my mind begins to take action and I find it nice to write and to begin to do my transcription work. I haven't been at this too long, but long enough to know that it's a more positive way to start out the day than that which I'd been applying earlier.
from life-my-way :
Sad to read of hard times, self doubt, etc. Seems once that wheel starts spinning it's hard to stop it (anxiety, self-doubt, dispair, anxiety...). You're not, of course, Luna Lovegood, you are a treasure (like Luna) and are treasured by so many (perhaps unlike Luna). And Christmas break will be here before we know it, Thanksgiving likewise. It's already the point at which I wonder where the semester has gone. Sending love your way, comfort too.
from minstrelite :
Although I don't (and can't) cook, and I somewhat admire your ability as described in frequent vivid descriptions almost daily, I can certainly identify with feeling "cheated out of one of the few respites available to me, as I have in recent months felt that way when my music notation software was taken from me. I think it is natural when life sucks for each of us to want to continue to take solace in those things that ought not to be affected by the ebb and flow of an unsatisfactory life, and so when they are affected adversely in any way by anything, all it does is make it seem as though not only does the rest of life suck, but the thing that we turn to in order to escape the suckage of life now sucks as well. It's a horrible feeling.
from pandionna :
Funny you should mention that NYT article. I watched Doubt last night and thought about how the Church handles its scandals. Have I ever told you that when I watch the "added features" and interviews with Meryl Streep, I think of you? She speaks of performances the way you write about them -- you can just see her utter immersion in the art, and yours.
from pandionna :
"I had to exert every effort not to think 'I hate it here.'" I hear ya. Loud and clear. Happy to hear the chirp of crickets at night and have my man nearby, but the rest of my relocation can bite me.
from minstrelite :
I was just reading your entry, and I'm curious about your film experience. I don't have any myself - I just sometimes think that what I'm writing would work better as a film than as a stage production. (Actually I acted in an independent film once, played a Vietnam veteran. Had to fire a twelve-guage shotgun at one point and landed on my back. Chock that one up to experience.
from life-my-way :
You remain in my heart and prayers, Ri too, as you move through this difficult time. You will be fine (of course, you are inherently fine) but the process of moving through newness and uncertainty will suck nonetheless. Watching the two newbies at work reminds me of this, of my first weeks, of the pain and the uncertainty and the discomfort and the insecurity and, again, the pain. Sending requests to the Universe that it shows you the pony in this barn full of shit sooner rather than later. You are the best, hoping soon you are feeling every bit of it. Love, K
from life-my-way :
Thinking of you and Riley, hoping he's finding his way. His entry was terrifying and your response flawless. When it was C ("I just keep seeing me shooting myself in the face, over and over") I responded immediately and fiercely. It's the parent thing to do, and a difficult thing. It will pass and hopefully R will soon realize death is a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. At the risk of quoting Wilson Phillips--just hold one for one more day. Do it every day. Love to you both, K.
from life-my-way :
Oh, Guy, I'm so sorry that you're still not feeling the love. I think of you multiple times a day (beyond the morning reading of the flood) but have been too overwhelmed with shittiness here to take time to write. But I love you and rail against your pain even when I don't write. And what else do I love? "You can't hide your lionize...." Love it. And you. This, too, will pass. As will John's (ohmygodhowshittycanthiskidBE???) teenitude. They will pass, like kidney stones. Our ability to endure them remains to be seen. Hugs, K.
from pandionna :
Augh! I'm sorry about the rotten mean person. May both the authorities and karma slap mightily.
from pandionna :
Obama is selling out, no doubt about that. My friend brought up a good point at dinner the other night, though: Where are all the young people who voted for him? It's one thing to squawk about being ready for change and being the next generation, and another thing entirely to disappear into the woodwork after the election is over. Whenever I see town hall meetings, it's always old people. Youth, step up!
from pandionna :
Ah, my girl Meryl does it again, does she? She's just so awesome. Now I can't wait to go see it. Yay, something to anticipate! Good luck on the move. Tomorrow night, martinis in your own place!
from life-my-way :
Now it is you that I love, love, LOVE! I'm so sorry to hear about your travel travails. Persons "of an age" take damaged chattels and bad hotels less well than our younger selves might have. After a couple of days of torment and horror, John's XBox is now online--I'll send our connectivity juju to Matt, I'm sure we've got some left over. So glad you're writing again, I've missed you terribly. I hope this roller coaster you find yourselves on either evens out or becomes fun at once. And I hope that Matt sleeps, deeply and soon. Sending love, connectivity juju, and best wishes.
from life-my-way :
I love, love, LOVE your reunion posts--thank you so much for sharing them with me. I mean, with us all. Glad you're back, may the packing fairly do itself. Love, K
from dreams2tell :
Not sure if you'll catch this post, as you are leaving early in the morning, but I'm going in for a medical procedure tomorrow, having to do with my prostate. I'm a little nervous, as I have no experience in this area. They're going to put me under. I'm staying up trying to finish my work due tomorrow, as I will probably be zoned out all day. Maybe I'll find you on FB - have a good trip, and I also hope you sing God of Grace and God of Glory on Sunday.
from funds4tunes :
Best Buy is good that way.
from pandionna :
*hugs you*
from dreams2tell :
I think I am woefully behind on your life.
from life-my-way :
You both (and Matt's dad & Riley too) are in my thoughts and prayers. Soon, Professor Molnar, very soon. And don't forget the joy--I'm almost squealing--you're a freaking PROFESSOR!!!! Yahoo!
from dreams2tell :
"There had in fact been, he said, quite a few other examples of him pulling out of stuff and not following through on commitments. The bottom line was that he was doing it because of a complete crisis of confidence - he was terrified. He started to cry." That one, I know all too well.
from life-my-way :
Love you, love the quote (really a lot!). So happy about your truck--I once stood and watched as an oak tipped over and landed on my (much beloved and pristine) Bronco II--it was a turbo downer. Holding the light for your shoulder and Matt's body and mind. K
from dreams2tell :
Sorry your shoulder is still bothering you. My experience with things like that is that running usually helps, too - anyhoo last time I bought groceries I spend $75 for only one person and it went pretty fast, which probably says something about my eating habits. Your food choices on $80, what I gathered anyway, seem very sound. Oh, and Sally Kern is out of her f-in' mind.
from life-my-way :
Thanks for the congrats and the shout in general--and I'll update from the fucking iPhone if need be, I believe. Of course, we'll be home Sunday night so only the least of these our beach trips, this one. As to this Sanford business--indeed! You gay, democrat terrorists, have you no shame? A soul mate yet! May God stop laughing long enough to have mercy on your (dear, queer, lefty) souls.
from dreams2tell :
Hey G. - details about my new place of residence are on my recovery blog; also, an obviously symbolic dream here two days before finding the place. I'll send you an email with pertinent information, not to overwhelm you, but it's all pretty major stuff. Thanks for all your support. ~ap
from life-my-way :
Thank you so for your sweet call--it was the highlight of a low day. I love reading about the film and enjoyed today's reference to the Big Chill, a favorite. Be well, love, K
from dreams2tell :
That was good, what you did for Josh. I'd be interested in seeing those three prayers as well, if you don't mind. If you have copies or can link me to them, you can just send me an email to andy at music-transcription dot com. Thanks, G.
from avantbedroc :
my mistake, apologies. i must have you confused with another user.
from avantbedroc :
good day, may i please access your writings. kindly, alana
from pasmonnom :
Oh, I'm glad it made it to you!
from pandionna :
I am so glad someone else does "rabbit, rabbit, rabbit."
from life-my-way :
I'm so sorry that the wing is not mending more quickly! On the other hand, I'm extremely not sorry that I am now a permanent employee--I just got out of my 6 month review. Yahoo!
from pandionna :
Augh! I am so sorry you are dealing with this, Flood. But yes, pain will raise blood pressure, pretty much always. Gentle hugs to you!
from life-my-way :
I'll be doing distance Reiki too--should have thought of it earlier. Feel better!
from life-my-way :
I'm so glad you're back! You were terribly missed but I'm sad to hear you're hurting. Aging, it's not for pussies. If the alternative weren't so dire, I'd have no part of it. Feel better, be well. Feel better, be well.... Love, K
from eliza1970 :
I'm so glad you're back. I missed you. Kx
from minstrelite :
Wow - too good. Perceptive, and well-written. I had to look up the word "anhedonia" - the psychological term for the inability to receive pleasure from pleasurable things. I'm reminded of a mode I got into in the 80's, when there was such a disaffection among myself and so many of my artistic associates, it was almost as though we "needed not to enjoy in order to appreciate." That's probably the closest I can come to wording the phenomenon myself. Glad you're posting again, G.
from minstrelite :
That'a an easy one. He's threatened by a person who is more talented and capable than he is.
from catsoul :
Hi, I hope you find the roasted brocoli recipe you are looking for. I also was just wondering are you the person who read over 100 and some enteries of mine? I write alot of poetry and if it is you reading so much, how did you like, "A Paper Lantern?" The poem I am most proud of to date is, "A Single Flame," I wrote that to my husband. That is in entry 11/17/05. I figured I might as well ask, if you don't ask, you will always wonder. Take care. =^..^=
from catsoul :
It is heartrendering when we have to change something in our lives that we hadn't expected to have to change. I wish you so much luck in finding a job that you like. Take care. =^..^=
from minstrelite :
I think the meds are kicking in. I'm not having as many little flare-ups. Say, I'm just curious - how tall are you? 220 might not be a bad weight. For me, that would be too much - but I'm 6'0" even. Pastor Dale and a couple other people told me I look like I've been working out, so I guess all the exercise is helping, despite myself. Haven't been to a scale yet but I would guess I'm at around 190.
from minstrelite :
Hi flood, thanks for saying something. I thought about you and I feel bad for posting some of the statements I've been making lately - what's going on mainly is I am just having difficulty controlling my posts. It's probably best I take a break from D-Land, but then I don't want people to worry that I might have done something really drastic. I know what you mean, caring from a distance (and especially with regards to Internet friendships) can be problematical. But in case you want to know, I do care about you.
from catsoul :
Hi, I am wondering if you would allow me to read your writing. Thank you for the consideration. Take care. =^..^=
from minstrelite :
Guy, I am really sorry to hear about F.A.U. I must have missed about four of your entries, I have been really preoccupied all week. After the personal investment you made, this must be worse than devastating. You are obviously such a competent man, and qualified - which is why you shot for this position in the first place. I am certain you will be hired in Pennsylvania or elsewhere soon, but in the meantime, you have my heartfelt sympathies.
from life-my-way :
Though I am of limited utility in the sympathy letter area, I may be of value in the letter of negotiation zone. I'll be here, online, most of the day (unless I decide to play hooky this afternoon--not at all out of the question) but still here to help. IMHO, the key is strongly worded but not ultimatum-ish and to start with higher than you'd settle for so there's room for another volley. Also, have in mind your break point. You'll be brilliant.
from life-my-way :
Damn it all to hell--and it is definitely their loss, no doubt of that. Politics absolutely cost me the coveted law library job, the dean disliked me for extremely subjective reasons (as goes hatred) and, like you, my heart broke. It is, of course, not just Kutztown you have as a backup, new interviews are being requested, you're hot shit and will be snapped up. Clearly, you are needed elsewhere. I'll go into the astronomical cost of living/outrageous heat and humidity/many horrid issues of living among tourists another time. Meanwhile, keep the faith, you ARE needed elsewhere. You are SO loved; a treasure is what you are. K
from minstrelite :
I'm not quite aware of exactly who Riley is in your life-experience, but I can relate in that, the more years go by, the more I realize how fundamentally, freakishly alike Alex & I are. In some ways, good, in some ways, bad - but definitely a friend I need to keep.
from minstrelite :
That was an incredible story about Pat. I'm glad it was the first thing I read this morning. Thank you.
from keystroker :
hi. i keep changing where i write. just thought i'd let u know. -rm,ol, my15
from life-my-way :
Yay on the first offer, and keeping fingers crossed for more to come. And come they will.
from annanotbob :
Sending you lots of good wishes for the job, sweetie x
from pandionna :
The bailout money should be used to re-hire all of the people they laid off. In fact, even if they did turn a profit, they should use that money to re-hire the people they laid off, not give each other bonuses. Just my two cents.
from minstrelite :
I haven't read the speech yet (reading 'floodtide' was enough proctrastination on today's new deadline to get that score done for the kids show in Omaha), but it reminded me to tell you that my song "Winds of Time" is being performed by one of those freshmen (at Boston Conservatory) in his recital this week. He's a high tenor, and I raised the key for him. I'm eager to hear how it goes.
from life-my-way :
Less "bourgeois-middle-class-anti-intellectual-pathetic-consumerism" and more, I would say, supporting our grateful economy. (says the woman who's family, sadly, is also in need of a television upgrade--damned patriotic, that is). Keeping fingers crossed for 3 higher eds fighting hammer and tong to get you (AND Matt!). Love, K
from minstrelite :
Phil as Exeter? (Sorry - you piqued my curiosity.)
from minstrelite :
"Hopefully speeding my refund into my bank account." I hear *that.* ;o)
from life-my-way :
Thanks for the note and the ref. I know you're not gone-gone, but I miss your name in red as part of my morning routine. You're a little something to look forward to each morning, like an advent calendar only all year long. I hope Matt made it safely and that the apartment is grand. Love, K
from minstrelite :
I really liked the 8th paragraph in this entry (3/1/09). And I agree. I also pride myself in having just gotten a cell phone with a plan that prohibits texting. (It cost $5 less per month, but that's auxiliary.)
from minstrelite :
meant: "would lose everything."
from minstrelite :
Well, you succesfully painted me a picture of a pretty bad production of HAIR there. Without any sense of a profound reason for tribal unity, the show would lost everything, IMHO.
from minstrelite :
I've only skimmed your Part Two so far, but I wanted to relate something about my recent HAIR experience. I'd submitted my Burden to a theatre in the Bay Area where I had a connection, and they did HAIR last Summer. I told them I was going to see it, being as I'd MD'd it at U.C.Davis, and I've always loved the music. Then they cast this woman as Sheila, the female lead, who had recently sent me a two-sentence email reading: "Take me off your email lists. Do not ever contact me again." I think I might have told you this before, because it was at that moment that I realized what it is like to be on the receiving end of a tersely worded email. It was sufficient to keep me from seeing HAIR, as somehow the idea of seeing her onstage naked at the end of Act One no longer appealed to me. Check your Inbox. :)
from minstrelite :
Wow - I've missed a lot while self-preoccupied in recent weeks. I just read Part One of your "Odyssey" - pretty exciting stuff, Guy! I'll have to take a breather before diving into Part Two. Guess you won't have time to read my script *now*! :(
from annanotbob :
Hiya - my computer went bonkers and now I can't read you as I deleted the note with your password. Hope you are well and that you will re-send. Looking forward to our reading Infinite Jest together! Hugs xxx
from life-my-way :
Been thinking of you daily but too mired in my own muck to say what I've been thinking which is YAH-frigging-HOOOO! Sigh of relief, jump of joy, so very happy for you. Break a leg or whatever it is you theater people do. Much love, K
from minstrelite :
One would almost think that you wrote the first half of your most recent entry, from the quote about the disquieting nature of a spirit too bold, to the analysis of Opera; directly to me. This is what my ego assumes, in any case. Of course, it could be random, or possibly spiritual. And in any event, thank you for those words.
from life-my-way :
I have, and adore, an iPod classic. 80gig I believe. The touch would in no way replace that monster miracle machine, but I am totally jonesing to play with apps. It's a sickness, really. But....I really believe that students will be accessing our courses (in the very near future) on netbooks and iTouchs as often, if not more so, than desktop or laptop computers. Sooo, work needs to be getting me one. And they will. If I can wait. Are you bonding with your nano any more than when you first received it? John loves his, but he's still a nano himself. Thanks for the advice which is, of course, totally correct.
from minstrelite :
I'll pdf it to ya. Comin' right up!
from minstrelite :
Oh, and I meant to include that I brought this up (musical theatre) since you also did this morning. Both you, and Phil. We can talk about the show later, if you have time. I think that the places where I've submitted it have mostly misunderstood the basic flavor of it, but I've noticed that actors always like it. (I held about five readings of it, before the burn-out transpired.)
from minstrelite :
I keep wanting to quote you, forgetting that yours is a locked diary. Let's just say I can identify with the "buck up, little camper" messages, and that my reaction is usually along the same lines. Say, did I mention I spoke on the phone with our mutual friend Phil recently? I actually spoke with him on a bad morning, but chose to mention nothing about my difficulties, because I knew that talking with him would help pull me out of it. We spoke of you briefly, and he said you are a wonderful man (which I already knew.) I asked if you did musical theatre, or "only" straight theatre, and he said you had a lot of background with musicals. Maybe if you still have time on my hands, you would like to read my script. (Did I ask you this already?) I think the script might be holding me back, but I don't think it's all that bad either. Lots of shows have good music and rather weak scripts. Anyway, I could maybe get some feedback from you. My eventual aim is to ditch all the dialogue completely, and transform it into an Opera. But even if I do so, I'd like to keep a "junior version" hanging around, with the dialogue. Anyway, let me know if you have time to read it; and if so, I'll email it to you. Cheers....
from minstrelite :
I think you're on track. I was also at 225lbs, and now I'm at 185 - also it is right to cross-train by walking on the days you don't run. If not walking, and you have a bicycle handy (which I don't, unfortunately), a good bike ride will also work some of the muscles left un-worked in running. And a good walk with help dissipate the lactic acid that running leaves to semi-solidify around the bones (did I get that right? - anyway, walking helps shake things up in a good way. I also am a firm believer that it's the best warm-up for running.) Discipline isn't something you "have," it's something you "do." (Not that I always do it, as you know. But that's where I need to get to the root causes and all that, which is a horse of a different color.) You strike me as disciplined enough. Fr. Rick likes to quote someone who said: "A little discipline goes a long way." I recall the Desiderata: "Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the Universe. And whether or not you know it, no doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should." Ease up, man. You're all right.
from life-my-way :
Yes indeedy, precious flood, we breeders have standards to uphold. Or what is the opposite of uphold--there should be one you know--besides decimate or put to a slow death then humiliate the remains. You know, something. But really, I'm with you, totally. That's appalling!
from minstrelite :
Thank you for the very kind note. You must have been responding to my "Can't Think of a Title" entry. Things have since gotten better, first within myself spiritually, as I try to express in my next entry; and later in an unexpected donation, whereby someone for the first time had donated some money to my CD project. I suppose I can justify spending at least *some* of the money on food; on the grounds that if I don't eat, I probably won't be very well-disposed to work on the CD. And thank you also for your appreciation of the song. There are some others of a similar ilk on my MySpace (there's a link to it on my diary), and all of them are from the musical I wrote. I'm glad you liked it. I just "recalled" it again, because I still don't think it's quite finished, as far as the recording goes, and I'm waiting to hear from my friend Rob about it (who is also a friend of Phil's, by the way - but now I'm rambling.) Anyway, I really do appreciate the well wishes. I need to work on myself so as not to get myself into these kinds of positions, although of course I am awayre that the state of economy has affected us all. It's good that you have Matt. Take care, and God bless you.
from life-my-way :
Happy birthday dear Flood! It's not too late to make a celebration of this birthday for yourself. There's something in my head to say about change and being at the helm and it all being good. Mostly, it is all good. Maybe it's about everything in life bringing a gift (we must not forget to ask for the gift, especially on birthdays) and every problem bearing the seed of its solution. I guess it's hard for me to be clear as I'm being squeezed (along with my offspring) like toothpaste through the tight neck of the end of holidays. Mostly, though, happy day and happy year!
from minstrelite :
Actually, eight entire years past - that's why I had to "sift through the years." Prior to getting the summer theatre job that "saved me," my 47th year started out pretty grim. It picked up as it rolled along though - that was the year in which I received the "Very Special Thank You" from a stage manager as he listed off all the people to thank publicly when Hell Day was done and we were headed into tech week. He left my name for last, because he figured I was the one who deserved the "Very Special Thank You." Then I got a round of applause and everybody hugged me. Those were the days. (paragraph) I'm andypope9 on Y!M, Starsworth on AIM, and andypope7@hotmail.com on MSN. Oh, and apope7 on Google Chat. I have Meebo, so I can appear on all four at once to catch you. Looking forward to it!
from minstrelite :
Happy Birthday! It got me to wondering where I was at on my own 47th, so I sifted through the years and found myself in Vallejo, California, at my mother's house attempting to recover after a five-month failed attempt to suddenly become a practicing father to my then-thirteen year old daughter while her mother was homesteading in Missouri with her third husband. I also returned to the Theatre shortly after my 47th, after not having done a show for twelve years. (Then, as you know, I basically did show after show until 2004, and a few shows since then...but now I'm getting off the subject.) I had also wanted to ask you if you want to chat sometime, like on Google chat or someplace. Anyway, happy birthday -
from minstrelite :
We can but try. :)
from life-my-way :
It is, in fact, today--thank you precious one! So far 47 is looking okay, but I'll keep you advised. It is not new territory for me, however--in what is, perhaps, a uniquely Katherine move I have spent all (all, that is, but 3 short weeks) of 2008 believing that I was 47. D'oh! Does that mean I can be 46 in 2009? Does it work that way? Anyhoo, 47 and I will be waiting and will see you when you get here on Sunday. Love, K (however old she may be)
from minstrelite :
Beautiful entry, G. Love Vaughan Williams - 5th Symphony, Variations on Greensleeves, Five Variants on Devus (sic.) and Lazarus. Pinter died...
from minstrelite :
Eloquently stated, G. I had a feeling you might be noting me, and I'm glad you did. Merry Christmas once again - to you & yours.
from minstrelite :
Thanks, G! Same to you! By the way, I've been reading - just haven't been commenting. But yeah, I'd say that one response was passive-aggressive for sure. anyhoo, Merry Christmas!!
from life-my-way :
Well, FWIW, I love you.
from minstrelite :
Some heathy monlogues you got goin' there. Good luck. You know, I *say* that I'm not an actor (and I'm not, meaning I've acted in a total of ten shows in my entire life), but every now and then I get into "acting mode" (at a party or something) and people really get off on it. I say this because it happened the other night, and everybody was in hysterics over my "monlogue," but if I gave you the exact words in writing, it wouldn't do it justice. It's all in the delivery. (I also don't have a knowledge of correct acting terminology, as you might have noticed.) Also, I've always wondered *why* it is that I get along so well with actors, even though I am not one myself. Whenever I meet an actor, it's usually a metter of only a couple minutes before he and I are relating pretty well with each other, and inside me, I say: "Hey, everything's pretty cool at this moment. I'm with this guy, this actor, and I can relate to this." That's why I included this experience so high up the list when I wrote the 47 Facts. Anyway, just wanted to express that. I hope I'm not leaving you too many or too lengthy notes. Have a good one....
from minstrelite :
Hey Guy. I've been thinking that I ought to probably edit it somewhat before sending it out right now. I might show it to a couple people whom I know really well, and get their opinions before I send it to anyone. This isn't about you, by the way. Everybody in my life knows I have a tendency to hang all my laundry out to dry pretty easily - but this one was WAY over the top! Also, I might have freaked one of the previous noters out, because I wrote it partly in response to her note, and I think she wouldn't have wanted me to give her note that much power. So I want to talk to her first, too. So I'm really kind of chillin' on it for a while. I'll probably have a more definite answer for you pretty soon, but this is definitely not about you - I'm not singling you out or anything. It was just one of those things that I posted, and then I went "WOAH!" Do these people NEED all that information. I mean, TMI to the max, man -- one hour and fifteen minutes of steady, stream-of-consciousness writing during which the ONLY criterion was Honesty, otherwise I pulled all the stops out. So, let me chillax for a day or so. Meanwhile I'm rewriting "The Temple of the Human Race," and I'll send that one to you, if you want.
from life-my-way :
"I can't imagine getting used to driving a car where you don't have to insert a key. It just feels so incomplete and wrong somehow; how can this be safe?" My car, too, is keyless and it is not safe. Not safe, that is, in the "I am Katherine and, now, I am able to lose my keys while I am driving the car" sense at least. I am a past master of losing them at all other times, of course, but when they hung in the ignition--then, at least, was I safe. Not anymore. Not since 2005. Happy extended stay!
from life-my-way :
The perfect blessing and I have thought no less than ten times today how I wish it had been ours. Enjoy Naples as you continue to ripen. You're a peach! Love, K
from life-my-way :
Something on NPR this morning about a gorgeous visual representation of God chasing the soul of man--it made me think of you. It is my firmly held belief that God is chasing the soul of you and, should you find it in yourself to slow down (or, dare I say it, stop) that God might then catch you. You are valued. You are needed. You are loved beyond measure. You will be supported. You are ripe, now allow yourself time to be picked. Love and turkey, K.
from minstrelite :
You're making me want to do a show! That, and travel - of course, I *always* want to travel. It's like, in my blood. Maybe the two go hand in hand - which is why some of us become nomadic theatre gypsies, at least at times. I know *I've* certainly been in that mode. By the way, do you run only at the gym, or on the roads as well? Just curious. I've been a runner (off and on) since April 9, 1976.
from minstrelite :
Hello again - I'm not sure my last note made too much sense. I sometimes stumble over words, especially when they occur over first cup of coffee. I'd meant to add that (to answer your question), all Phil said was that you were a friend of his, an actor, and an adjunct professor type. He didn't elaborate, but only wanted to convince me that my first fears were unwarranted. Anyway, have a nice trip (to Vermont?) - I'm about to run my 5k course myself this morning. Nice cloudy weather - and it's time. :-)
from minstrelite :
You know, I can so totally identify with receiving a terse reply and then embarking upon mountains of head-shit, it would almost have been funny could I not have felt your pain. On my end, I was like (as you now know I'm sure) - "who is this guy? An FBI agent? Have I committed some dastardly crime? Am I being regarded as an information source?" So I was purposely being blunt, to ward off something catastrophic. This of course was equally paranoid, if not more, than the reaction it spawned. It was almost as though, just by responding that way, I psychically transferred my paranoia onto you - to the point where you suspected you might even have offended our mutual friend, Phil. Anyway, the reason I can identify is that an old friend of mine (of 34 years actually) just did that to me: "Would you be so kind as to remove me from your email address book? I no longer wish to receive emails from you." It triggered a whole wad of mostly "less-than" feelings, as though I had been condemned or dehumanized, at the very least, invalidated. From now on, I'm really going to make an effort to think before I snap - thank you so much for writing what you did. Take care, man.
from minstrelite :
Hey there. I deleted the note you mentioned - actually deleted the one after it also by accident as well. I just heard from Phil, he's coaching dialect for Importance of Being Ernest right now at UNLV, Paul Barnes is directing. Paul and I go way back, in fact he directed the first musical I wrote - 35 years ago! - in which Phil played the leading male role. Amazingly, Phil and I have remained in contact ever since. As always, he is a great guy, and probably my closest friend. Then again, I don't make friends too easily - well, I'm rambling. He sort of briefed me on you, and you seem like a pretty cool guy. I'm still planning to send you an email, I just haven't gotten there yet. Crazy day.
from minstrelite :
Phil knows about the diary and is one of my regular readers when it's unlocked, and even sometimes when it's locked. In fact, if I write something I think is particularly strong (writing-wise), I send it to him and he archives it, because I have a tendency to lose files and documents, and because he's particularly good about that sort of thing. And you know, I do have a vague memory, something about Utah Shakes, and maybe you did write to me earlier, I honestly don't recall. So once again, I did not mean to be terse, it's just that I constantly worry that someone with some strange motive is going to want to read my stuff, especially if it concerns some of the things it does. I can see now from your spirit that you are forthright. I'll send you an email. Again, I apologize.
from minstrelite :
Please delete my previous note. I apologize for the terseness. You freaked me out, because you mentioned by full name one my best friends, whom I have not mentioned by full name in my diary. I even ran a search. I have no idea who you are, and so I wrote to Phil, but he hasn't written back yet. He and I haven't been in touch in recent months, so I don't really expect to hear from him. Again, I am sorry if I was terse, I do have a tendency to act on impulse sometimes, but I am having a lot of personal problems these days, and I don't want my diary to be read by anyone other than people from DiaryLand whom I already know and trust. That's why I locked it. Not even Phil reads it. Maybe it will make sense now. Sorry if I snapped at you - take care.
from life-my-way :
I HATE it when that happens (and Bill is a master of it) some little comment, innocent enough, that ends up encouraging me to feel like shit about something I should be feeling positive, or, at worst, neutral. The audition is fantastic, and your boat is coming just over the horizon, I am sure of it. Have you considered writing (asked your friend who knows you, almost exclusively, through your writing--D'oh)? Because yours is a fascinating and wonderful journey that would be useful and edifying (in the secular sense) for bliss-followers everywhere. Don't forget Alabama Shakespeare Festival when you send out your director inquiries--it's not half bad, you know? Much better than, say, Mississippi Shakes... Love you, feel better, at least Ri's not marrying a 40 year old man with 4 kids!!! Well, not on Saturday at least.
from strixia :
Siberia...The dream you had about meeting Caribou Barbie, AKA Sarah Palin, in an airport.
from strixia :
Psst, did you see Keith Olbermann's comment on Prop 8?
from life-my-way :
Sweet Jesus I adore you! I will now, and evermore, think of my mother curled politely in sleep at the feet of our dinner guests and forbearing, in that gentle way of hers, from begging at the table. In these days of few grins (election excepting, of course) that is a mighty one. Love, K
from strixia :
Maybe you were at the airport sending her off to Siberia?
from strixia :
It is, my friend! (D'OH, should have dropped you a note when I added you!)
from kamaru19 :
hi...actually i don't know what to say...i'm just new here...i just accidentally clicked your name...hope we could be friends...
from life-my-way :
uh, Guy, if things work out with that mobster person I believe that you HAVE won the lottery. You may file this under "none of my business" BUT $500 a day is way too little (as your friend was hinting at). $5000 a trip is more like it. Much more like it. If it's safe and right, I really hope this happens for you. Talk about a multi-birded stone! Glad M is on the mend, safe travels through Hanna and on to Cola. Love, K
from pandionna :
Is the election over yet? I can't bring myself to write about this one like the last one. This one is just too insulting to my intelligence. And yet, I fear it's not insulting enough to too many. And I hear you about being fussy with steady work. Surely, that's the sign of creative genius!
from life-my-way :
Godspeed and all that for tomorrow. You've been on my mind tonight, I hope R & J opened well. Be safe, write soon. Love, K
from life-my-way :
Now that I think of it, Owen's basketball gig helped to give me patience during my John's long periods of (seemingly) meaningless, near obsessive, repetitive behaviors in his extreme youth. One never knows when one will need to be able to do this or that thing to absolute perfection, I suppose. Enjoy the cool, we're being steamed like so many artichokes.
from life-my-way :
Man, these notes make me appear a stalker! Notwithstanding, I feel compelled to say that I LOVE Owen Meany--that John is one of the dozens after whom my John was named. The nativity scene is, I believe, among the funniest in literature (pop or otherwise). Maybe I'll reread Owen, I could use a grin (and need to start planning ways to keep my John out of an ill-fated war). I am, of course, just thrilled that the flood tide is turning your way.
from life-my-way :
Man, these notes make me appear a stalker! Notwithstanding, I feel compelled to say that I LOVE Owen Meany--that John is one of the dozens after whom my John was named. The nativity scene is, I believe, among the funniest in literature (pop or otherwise). Maybe I'll reread Owen, I could use a grin (and need to start planning ways to keep my John out of an ill-fated war). I am, of course, just thrilled that the flood tide is turning your way.
from life-my-way :
When it rains... I'm so glad to hear all this is happening now, allowing you to enjoy your last days in TC. Enjoy!!!
from life-my-way :
In returning and rest--that's so wonderful and exactly true. The more we struggle the deeper we sink (can you hear what you're saying, Katherine? Or, Pot, meet Kettle). Thanks for writing today, you absolutely said what I absolutely needed to hear and I am grateful.
from life-my-way :
I'm so glad I've become a CV line item on your facebook! Stumbling toward Satan and grateful for your continued support, love, K
from life-my-way :
Come to think of it, my walk with the lord may also have been compromised by you. Well, fuck. Who am I supposed to walk with now? All compromised and lonely walking, K ps So very glad peace and contentment have found you at last.
from life-my-way :
I know nothing of their dept. and only peripherally of USA at all, but the general vibe is good, from what I can surmise. The town is a New Orleans-esque, Charleston-esque prehistoric port city kind of place with a nice Mardi Gras, great schools for children (if private, most of Alabama can boast that even its private schools are crap), cute downtown and several grand suburbs (Daphne and most of all Fairhope). Nice organic farm there (Bee Riddle, I believe, or is that Horry County SC?) with tours and sales on site, Dauphin Island wildlife whatnots and, well, there are many worse places to be. If "the crisis" fails to resolve itself, John and I may move to Mobile so he can attend school there (as attending school here is apparently more than we can do for him). Anyhoo, I'm keeping the faith that we all land in our right places. And we will, you know? SO glad to see your typeface this morning(!!!) and thanks for the note. Love, K
from life-my-way :
I will miss you so much, but I know you will be well and that every little thing will be alright. Love, K
from madrigle :
Hahah, nice rather avant-garde entry, re: in a hurry. HUGS!
from life-my-way :
Do enjoy it, too soon will come a time when you'll wish for this time with Ri, enjoy it while you're in't. Easily enough said, I realize, but true nonetheless. It WILL work out and it IS a mystery, I hope you can find it in yourself to be at peace with things for now. You've been on my mind always, especially at St. George, and it will be alright. Love, K
from annanotbob :
I feel for you with R&J. I've never had to stage a production, but I taught it as a piece of literature on an exam syllabus for over ten years. Queen Mab - that's a toughie - good luck, honey x
from madrigle :
No time restraints at all, I see this as something than can be an ongoing project for years to come with multiple exibitions of the show as the concept develops as more people participate. Write me a one act, darling. ;) Spread my post around to your friends. HUGS.
from madrigle :
Thanks for pointing people my direction sweety. :D That's weird about the dream. . . I hate when reality and dreams get blurred like that. HUGS handsome man.
from annanotbob :
Hold steady - good things will come. Hugs xx
from annanotbob :
Wishing you well and sending a big hug and wondering which one is you in that fab photo xx
from life-my-way :
Oh, flood, hug yourself tightly for me, would you please? Adrift is hard, leaving is hard, finding our goodbyes is hard (and harder, still, when we're not sure where our next hello will be coming from). But I believe Walt Whitman was right when he said, "All forces have been steadily employed to complete and delight me. Now, on this spot, I stand with my robust soul." And so it is for you this sad and difficult day. You are needed elsewhere, thank you for having the courage and the faith to move ever forward to each next place where you are needed. As always, love, K.
from annanotbob :
Thanks - the note is gone. Sending a concentrated dose of Good Vibes across the ocean - though I think it must be something cosmic, as everyone I know who isn't an insensitive oaf seems to be struggling with their demons right now. Best wishes xx
from annanotbob :
Hi - I used to read you when your diary was open and thought it a bit rude to ask for the password so didn't. But now I keep seeing your name in the box on the right and find myself wondering how you are - if you're still teaching and so on. You were quite inspirational, you know. I hope things are good with you and yours and if you feel like giving me the password then thanks. All the best, Anna
from life-my-way :
I LOVE that airport dream! It's a metaphor of what I emailed you recently--you're having a hard time going somewhere with all your gifts! But, really, if you can't bring all your gifts do you really want to go? Wouldn't a rocking job doing the work of acting BE one of Riley's sets of parents winning the lottery, in a sense? I'll be imagining it as already having happened.
from life-my-way :
Northeasterly, precious? You're in freaking Tallahassee--clearly you've gone south! I watch Bill battle with the academia/artistia conundrum (which sets the stage for a lovely mid-life crisis, btw) and feel like I know its pain--do I want to do what I do or would I rather help others to do what I do, feh. Go north if that's where your bliss lies (TC, Toronto?) the academy will be there if ever you want to help more than to do. Butting out now, K
from madrigle :
Ahh, sweety, admitedly today is the first day I've read in awhile. I've been so rapped up, mummy style, in my own shit. Now that I've made my pathetic excuses. I've NO doubt that their is a GWM land out there that you will fit into. Your place in this world might even find you. HUGS handsome man.
from life-my-way :
I am trying, with VERY limited success, to declare things good, okay, acceptable, whatever. The hard part comes when I must insist that this is true and that I refuse to accept the notion that they could be other than that, just fine. Toronto is fine. T-City is fine. Next school year is fine. And you, my dear friend, are nothing but fine. It's an idea. Love, K
from zeroreverb7 :
Hello Dear Flood...I hope all is well with you. I hope you are relaxed and outstanding. Because You are fantastic and wonderful. :)
from life-my-way :
Hibernate on, sweet friend, and know I'm napping with you a few hundred miles north. zzzzzzz yawn
from life-my-way :
I miss you even as I share the depressive-ish symptoms. And the uncertainty. And stuff. Probably mostly stuff. Anyway, a day without Flood is like a day without someone wonderful and important. I hope you're walking the beach on St. George, not a care, and wish I were as well. Love, K.
from pandionna :
I adore you. I was reading along and thought, "but that would mean another move, God help him." And then there was your last line. And...LOOK AT THE SCREEN NAME BELOW!!! Oh my, must run over and see how she is.
from zeroreverb7 :
Hello Wonderful Flood! Thanks for the password etc!!!! its so nice to read your journal again :) I may be moving...money is an issue..although I work like a mad person..I don't get paid like one...sigh...but hopefully everything will work out!!! love & hugs to You!
from beagle47 :
'tis like old home month. sorry for any delay. venti venti
from zeroreverb7 :
I am back..Ive missed journaling and ive missed wonderful people like you. please email me the password to your diary and Thanks Flood! Hugs!
from zeroreverb7 :
I love you. I miss you. I think of you everyday. I hope that you are alright Flood...you are so outstanding a human being.
from pandionna :
I suspect you're right about Heath Ledger's talent and career. This one is sticking with me, and how.
from life-my-way :
Knowingly standing in the room with a gay man??? Christmas IS ruined!?!?! That's so cute. I'm off to ruin our Christmas now and glad to have that refrain. Love, K
from madrigle :
uhg,those in memphis are obviously stupid gitts, no matter how nice the letter is worded. Hugs Guy. James
from madrigle :
oh how I love my le creuset BUT honestly I love my martha stewart tri-ply just as much. unfortunately she no longer sales her highest guality line at k-mart. Mine is her line that has the aluminum sandwiched between the stainless steel all the way up the sides. Not just a disk of sandwiched aluminum on the bottom. In fact, I've been so impressed with it that i'm considering giving her line of enamel coated cast iron a go. of course it doesn't have the le creuset 105 year warranty or what ever it is. HUGS!
from madrigle :
Peels. There is the most amazing home shop down the street from me and they have GORGEOUS hand crafted peels that are works of art in and of themselves with price tags to match. I do have a stone and LOVE it. Jeff Smith, the frugal gourmet, recomends quary tiles from the home improvement center for brick oven like results. mine is just a stone from pampered chef but it does lend the most scrumptious crust quality to your loaves. Uhg. It should have been a snow day-- again. Instead the sun is shining and the birds are singing. really. hugs.
from madrigle :
<i>It occurs to me that one could paraphrase Einstein to say that one should be as selfish as is healthy, but not selfisher.</i> hmm, i'd like to hear more of your thoughts on this. HUGS. james
from life-my-way :
Those words from "I heard the bells" were in our last year's Christmas card, and are about to be in this year's as well. "The wrong shall fail, the right prevail." Amen.
from madrigle :
So I tried leaving a message the other day and because of some technical goof it didn't post and I had to run and couldn't type another, but in regards to memphis it sounds like a amazing opportunity to build the program YOU want to build. Maybe?
from madrigle :
mmm, flood, i'm excited for you it sounds like the memphis people are so obviously generous and interested in helping you do great things! . . . HUGS
from life-my-way :
It absolutely IS in Manhattan, and that's one of my favorite lines in all of movie-dom. Thanks for reminding me, it sums up my holidays so nicely!
from life-my-way :
Happy, happy day to you and Matt! Sixteen years is quite an accomplishment--your marriage is old enough to drive! Your sweet entry this morning brought a happy tear. Sending love from my family to yours. K
from madrigle :
prickly husk? Bur? but isn't it burr? I don't know, you know me, I can't spell worth a crap.
from life-my-way :
I meant to write yesterday but it got away from me. I hope Mary settles down and that your Thanksgiving is as smooth and happy as can be. Original families, almost no one survives them intact. It's mostly true that people do the best they can with what they know and when they know better they do better. It's a comfort to think so, anyway. I'll be sending peace and love your way on Thursday (not that there'll be a speck of either to spare where we're going for Thanksgiving, just that it would probably be wasted there). Love, K
from madrigle :
Oy Flood, It sounds like you are in for a turbulant holiday to say the least! It sounds like mary's need to confront has reached near obsession. I wish you luck and love in navigating these, what mush surely prove to be, treacherous waters. Many, many, many hugs. James
from madrigle :
ahh, G., sometimes your simple descriptions of you and MSB are just so gorgeous. something to aspire to really.
from madrigle :
mmmm, meyer lemons. I miss my meyer lemon tree in Houston so badly! The intoxicating scent of it's blossom would fill my small patio with it's luxurious, not to sweet aroma. And the lemons, nothing like them! Hugs.
from life-my-way :
Thanks so much, Guy, for thinking of us. This step is a first of many he is likely to take away from us and our beliefs. My child at a southern academy--never say never. I can't wait to read that your computer has arrived! Love, K
from madrigle :
oh my gosh. the way you talk about it Naples seems like some sort of fairytale shangri-la. I so want to be there, and the chickens (both) sound lovely. mmmmm Mauricio. ;) I'm so jealous of your new computer. Have fun with that. :D hugs.
from madrigle :
don't you just love morning breakfast drinks? They are fun to indulge in now and again. :D nummy.
from life-my-way :
Nothing worse than a fucking fire inspector--they used to come and threaten to close down the school fairly often. I'm so sorry opening night wasn't wonderful--you blame yourself if you want to, I'm going to blame everyone else. It'll be better tonight. Hug yourself for me. K
from madrigle :
hey, a fire inspector? that fucking sucks! hugs.
from life-my-way :
How very accomplished you are to have the C.H. application ready to send--what an outlandish production number those job applications can be (and what a heavenly location is Chapel Hill). I hope you're on the mend and that the resulting distrust of food passes quickly as well.
from life-my-way :
Oh, Guy, I'm so terribly sorry for Matt and for you too. I'll be keeping the good thought for an early diagnosis and an easy course of treatment. My love to you both, and to Matt's family of origin.
from life-my-way :
Needless to say, I wish I were going to Apalach for lunch with you guys! There's a chance, albeit a small one, that John and I will spend December on St. George--hoping so! Enjoy your lunch, I'll be thinking of you there. And congrats to Matt for a great show.
from mia-fiamma :
That review in the Times was difficult to read, as though the writer lacked the smooth flow of LANGUAGE. Ugh!
from madrigle :
Heya GWM, yeah, the whole Paris thing bugs. It seems as though the fuzzyness in my brain was things I had to say. It's pre-coffee in the morning for me, or rather mid-coffeed in the morning for me so i'll blame the thought evaporation on that. HUGS.
from mia-fiamma :
About the not-waking-up-together thing. I don't know the parties in question, but in some ways, I think that's a man thing, regardless of sexual orientation. Or a commitment-phobe thing in general. Heck, I've done it, and I'm a straight gal.
from life-my-way :
In my opinion, courage and introspection [complete with the associated increase in self-knowledge] ARE FANTASTIC. You ARE fantastic. Learning, it's not for wimps.
from life-my-way :
Thoughts are with you this morning...knowing that you are teaching and learning, growing and shining. I can feel your brilliance from here. Enjoy the experience!
from life-my-way :
"At the end of the last dream Jesus himself appeared to us and challenged Jack Sparrow to some elusive, enigmatic task that was going to save the world. We got going on it right away." Thank you, I needed that. And I, like you, should get going on it right away! Love, K
from life-my-way :
Where aaaare youuuuuu? I miss you and hope you're not writing because everything is too hopelessly perfect to glance away for even one entry's worth of time. Love, K
from life-my-way :
Everything is fine, it all works out, the panic isn't real, it's just a feeling. The universe loves you and supports you and wants you to be happy [and so do I]. Any chance you could go walk or run for a few minutes--work off that "fight or flight" feeling?
from life-my-way :
Goodness gracious, what is wrong with me? I'm so sorry about Nancy--I googled her and read some of her work in the TC newspaper. It sounds like she had an ideal life, how strange [it seems to me] to be unhappy in the midst of such a life as that [career-wise, anyway].
from life-my-way :
Never having been one to let a rhetorical question lie....
from life-my-way :
Courage and fearlessness, not the same [said the person who works with the 11-18 set]. Courage is feeling [perhaps normal, healthy] fear and doing what needs to be done anyway. I wish I could have seen the play!
from zechariah :
Why thank you for your note. I'll be writing from now on everyday(ish) hopefully. I hope to see you around! Sass.
from life-my-way :
I cannot WAIT to hear about opening night (which, I am given to know, is different from a preview). You GET to do THIS (and I GET to live vicariously through you getting to do this)--as soon as you're awake and have had your coffee and all.
from tiaris :
Definitely wrong, because I hit your page yesterday.
from tiaris :
There's a video of a group that has done a spoof of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon." It's "Put a Yellow Magnet on Your SUV." If I can find it, I'll send it to you. And I'm right there mourning Ms. Molly with you.
from tiaris :
Your notes from the audition crack me up, especially the part about the dye job. Priceless. Just priceless.
from tiaris :
Yep! 'Tis me! Okay, so you know how to spell my name, yes? Two Rs and an I. The e-mail is [myname]misu@aol.com--like the dessert, only with my name. Dingbat me didn't migrate my address book over when I deleted my old screen names. Duh...
from tiaris :
Happy Birthday - from a certain little birdie and flamingo fan.
from life-my-way :
Glancing down your notes paints me as something of a stalker...but again I note notwithstanding. Every time you mention Fletcher I wonder, so now I'll ask, is his last name Johnson? A long shot, but I went to USC Law with a Fletcher Johnson, so I wonder. Happy New Year to you and Matt.
from life-my-way :
Resistance is futile, relax and enjoy the show. Medicate if necessary. My well wishes surround you and my mother is about as crazy as your dad sounds.
from life-my-way :
Would there be any chance of you having time to send me that dutch oven bread recipe? It sounds fascinating and, all evidence to the contrary, I cannot live by gingersnaps alone. Sorry to hear about Matt's dad. Life is so complex and so fragile.
from zeroreverb7 :
Im late...(my god ive missed you!)..but..happy 15 years!!! You are so beautiful! love and peace
from non-descript :
Have not received an email from you so please resend to non-descript[at]diaryland.com, and I'll double-check the spam folder - that's where most of those emails are deposited. Spam box or no, I'll respond to yours.
from life-my-way :
Have a fantastic trip [it sounds like you will], and thank you for sharing the pledge. I'll be sharing it myself later today. But I find myself somewhat reluctant to sign it if it precludes me from, at least, hinting that some of these neofascists are unpatriotic. I guess I'm a crappy sport that way. Again, safe and happy travels!
from life-my-way :
Meant to leave a note earlier--Bill, too, is reading Cloud Atlas. He, too, found it unreadable at the start but has soldiered on and likes it better as it goes along. I think. I'll read it next [after reading Sedaris' Naked, an antidote to Johnny got his gun]. I know those fat yarn hair-ties well and I see a young you, now, bedecked in them. Thanks for the vision. Best, K.
from madrigle :
mmmmmmm scones! Hey have a great first day of classes! HUGS.
from life-my-way :
I can't find your phone number and hope you get this in time--CBS is doing a piece on Traverse City this morning Aug 27, looks good, I hope you catch it [if you want to].
from madrigle :
hey, no fair teasing with the BLT's. Mmmm, those sound devine about now. Flax is an amazing, amazing, little grain . . . seed? Whatever.
from madrigle :
UHG yellow lights are so fucking dangerous. So VERY glad you two are still around. HUGS.
from madrigle :
did you love the ciabatta? did you caress and fondle it and whisper sweet nothings to it? I've had focaccia do that on ocassion. It's an odd thing, that magic that comes together to make an exquisite loaf. HUGS my friend.
from madrigle :
your kidding right? my current fascination with shallots is all you bud. And your meals always sound unbalievably wonderful. HUGS!
from life-my-way :
Prescription for itchy feet--get some B1 tablets and take them until you feel some relief. I got 50mg tabs [you begin to overdose at 5000mg] and found that they both remedied the itch of poison ivy and bug bites AND cured them faster. Not sure why, but it works. Enjoy your last day and have a nice trip.
from life-my-way :
Wishing for you a great day, a stellar recital and the chance to enjoy your family of birth and of choice. Oh, and wishing I could be there to see it, Jerry Garcia tie and all.
from life-my-way :
Thanks for the kind note--it's a pleasure to serve. I wish I'd heard that laugh come out of that freshly reiki'ed throat. There's a picture of Georg on that diary page now--I'll post a picture of the purloiner if I get a chance to snap him [or if he shows up on the post office wall]. Your recital's going to be awesome. I know. I was once a tarot card throwing psychic. Love, K
from madrigle :
alex is very, very lucky.
from madrigle :
hey thanks my dear flood. yeah, I realized soon after my initial freek out rant that no one else is in his blog either, and it's all of 7 entries, and I fit the bill for a lot of what he was describing, even if I didn't garner a mention. Anyways, soon after I got a text message from him gushing about how excited he is to see me today. So, yeah, I'm a complete and total spaz. He just has me so enthralled. I want to be wanted by him soooooooooo badly. And then I vasilate to the other end of the spectrum and wonder what the fuck the point of trying to have a relationship is anyways. I'll go spray myself with anti-spaz-spray, and take a dip in the don't be a hermit pool. HUGS.
from madrigle :
6 16 06, Hugs.
from madrigle :
don't you just HATE when those glimmers of wisdom synthesized evaporate into the ether of our grey matter? I've often wished I had a star trek type com badge that I could record the glimmers of, perhaps egotisticaly, what I perceive as brilliance, on. :D
from madrigle :
I'm sorry your struggling with depression. Make sure you seek help. It's missery struggling with this alone. I'll stop trying to tell you what to do now, except that yes, excercise helps loads. In cooking news, I covet my two pieces of le creuset, and yes that IS what I made my kale in, but have been so VERY impressed with my martha stewart cookware that I'm seriously adding a couple of her pieces of knock-off le creuset to my pots and pans. Ahh, wustoff. gotta love those knives.
from zaziel :
Well... sex without coming can still be... umm... worthwhile? ...interesting? ...restful?
from madrigle :
Thanks! that means a lot coming from you . . . :D I keep having these rush of ideas for menu additions and revisions come upon me. This is a crazy opportunity. I hope it pans out.
from madrigle :
Odd. I had always assumed the same thing. Eragon was dragon mixed up. Weird. Wonder why. I'll have to give it a go. Have you read any of the '1st ladies detective agency' books? Kinda fun.
from madrigle :
It's sounds like you've been having a very complicated last few days. I hope things turn around really soon. Hugs.
from madrigle :
Nothing suprises me anymore. It's getting to the point that the mention of bush's name makes me want to vomit. seriously. That is a disturbing article. Very. But par for the bush course from what I can tell.
from stubbster :
I was four days old when that happened. And now twenty years later, I'm at Winthrop and I ate in that same dining hall this morning :)
from madrigle :
YAY!!!!! so glad they are back on. When I was a kid somehow I aquired a cassette tape of Mozart. I wore that thing out. That may have been the first time I really Loved music. Hugs.
from eros-archer :
Dear Wanker whom is bitching about my da's diary: You are insane. Leave him alone. Love you, Da.
from madrigle :
mmmmmmmmmmm bread making. I think working with dough is one of the most sensual, meditative things, one can do in the kitchen. It used to be my comfort. If I was stressed I was in the kitchen making bread. Barrenbaums foccacia is incredible. And her descriptions of the afghani flatbreads and her travels their before the taliban! OH MY GOSH! just heartrending. I agree about brokeback, It's incredible. I told a friend that I'm not sure if I ever want to watch it a second time though. Such heartache. So, the villa, where is that? HUGS TO YOU!
from madrigle :
oy bush. Please let the nation make a decision that is as good as he is bad, the next time around. Hope you feel better soon. Echinacea is my friend. Has to be the tincture though. Hugs
from madrigle :
WOW! what a week. I'm so glad you have had this time with your sisters. Sisters are special, atleast I think so. It sounds like you have had an extraordinary time tweeking and exploring your art this week. Hugs to you my friend.
from madrigle :
Happy birthday! It sounds like its been a riot of fun already! Hugs.
from life-my-way :
Welcome to 44, the water's fine! And a new ipod? You're 44 and you rock!
from lauracv :
Oh dear Flood. I hadn't forgotten you as you must remember it is Hunter's as well. I am just a little behind. I am so sorry. Wishing you the best of everything.
from madrigle :
Flood I'm so very glad we have these conversations, these notes slipped under the table to each other. It's odd and so very appealing how two people can become so-- attracted to each other's words, the idea of you, as you say . . . You DID kick ass in that spinning class! I so need to join a gym here in Albuquerque. I've not worked out even ONCE since moving to Albuquerque. I have to admit, spinning scares the crap out of this 29 year old. That looks like some intense stuff. Have you ever tried power-yoga? 45 minutes of plank and downward facing dog. I think every single muscle in my body was soar for 3 days. Habibi went with me. He doesn't like much other then weights. He was more challenged by it than I! hahahhah. So, Erick is someone from your past? Scary to think you've been found. I know. I was looking at my counter yesterday and noticed that someone from the University of Texas Medical Branch has been searching for my diary with the search "habibi" I swear my gut it the floor when I saw that. It's such a blow to think that possibly Habibi has found the diary. Ah well, what can you do? Although initially in my panic I wanted to run and delete 3 years of the diary. I calmed down, maybe it would be good for him to see my raw words in the long run. Love to you, I hope your New Year is starting out with much prosperity, love, and new and continued friendships. J
from zeroreverb7 :
just wanted to wish you and msb a happy new year....i wish for you the best of everything...love and peace to you both...
from madrigle :
Oh, also, for truly over-the-top breads it starts with your flour selection. The higher gluten content in king arthur flours makes for a much more pleasing artisanal loaf then the typical brands. Also helps give that oh so important, crispy crust thing, baguetts have going for them. Also, a humidified oven at the onset of cooking helps the process. hugs.
from madrigle :
I hope you get to feeling better real soon. Anxiety is a bitch. Did the run help? If I get my heart rate up I feel much better. I should dust the roller blades off. hmmmm... Anyways, didn't notice it before. But I was in Abilene twice over the holidays. Stayed at the La Quinta there, actually. Did some fun antiquing also. Your gonna love your kitchen aid. I have the classic model, it was my 8th grade birthday present, I wanted to be a chef for most of my life and my parents were very encouraging. My Wustof-trident knives and my kitchen-aid are my two most prized kitchen implements. Ok, and my Tukish Coffee grinder I use as a pepper mill. Babbling. Wishing you the best. Hugs.
from madrigle :
wow. not your father's son. there are whispers of my dad not being his father's son in our family. it makes us all uncomfortable. Hugs to you flood.
from madrigle :
glad to hear about the newer computer. I have one of the speaker sets, you got a better deal then I. I think mine was on clearance for like 25. It's been a few years and is still going strong though. very pleasant sound, even for a nobleman of the soil. :) hugs.
from pfirsich :
Oh,I want to give another translation.Cause,vermählen(it must be vermählen),that means to marry.And then it gets a much cuter meaning,I think,when love and strength marry,you know,so I am thinking of a strong woman and a loving man or the other way round.And then you get the goodwill of the Gods,then what comes out is something holy!!
from beltwaybelle :
Ouch! Wishing your mom and your whole family well. That must have been scary!
from madrigle :
hmmm, didn't get your email. My address is madrigle@excite.com Hugs. James
from madrigle :
wow! still digesting this last entry. Talent as a painter? Thanks. Your vote of confidence is important to me, actually. I'll get back to you on this. I've got a good start to a responce written, but i'm not done, and it's late, and I'm tired. HUGS! James
from madrigle :
whoa, four minutes to make such an important decision? do you ever pick someone and then they get in and you can't for the life of you figure out what your were thinking picking them? hugs.
from pfirsich :
Grr,I was in a pissy mood before,but now I read that part with your hair-damn,and now I´m all soft again. Damn it,I swear you,you´ll make me forget everything with that.Really.
from anabels :
For some reason when you talk about Holt and some of your other students I get that line from Don Henley's "Dirty Laundry" in my head - you "I could have been an actor but I wound up here, I just have to look good I don't havbe to be clear". Perhaps you should tell them that and see if the thought of being the talking on head on local channel nothing scares them into working! Glad your cold is slow getting better. Hugs Bels
from pfirsich :
Ah,liked it.Like this entry,it was revealing,I liked that.
from lauracv :
I am happy to hear about your job situation. It must be a load off your shoulders. I still have your turkey recipe but if you have any other recipes you for Thanksgiving you feel like sharing I would be thrilled!
from beltwaybelle :
Sometimes, it's the little things, a simple turn of phrase that crack one up. In this case, it would be the mention of your mug. That killed me in the most joyful of ways.
from teop :
I'm back on-line at home (sort of...long story...). In any case, I've missed your writing and it looks as though I have a lot of catching up to do with what's been going on in your life. I hope you are well and have a wonderful turkey day next week. Without even reading your journal yet, I'm guessing you're going to the Villa. Or I hope so...that place sounds like paradise. Peace and love, teop
from lauracv :
Aw babe. No flowers probably because they are all broke. And no notes probably because they are all crazy busy. That would be my bet. Plus some theatre folks don't know the opening night traditions and exchange at the close of the show. Maybe? I don't know. But I am certain it isn't a reflection on how they feel about you. Absolutely certain.
from lauracv :
Flood. Are you back? I don't even know what led me here really. Something did. And then it looked like from your notes you came back. Can I read possibly? halston12@aol.com I have missed you so much.
from stubbster :
Well, I am home in Greenville for fall break from Winthrop, and indeed, I do remember seeing in past entries that you had gone to Furman. I have a few friends there now, and they just love it. I almost find myself wishing I was there just for the campus because it's so lovely.
from eliza1970 :
Mr Floodtide - thank you so much for coming back. Kxxx
from annanotbob :
Whenever I have doubts about the sanity of my commitment to teaching you reassure me that this is the only decent way to behave. Thanks for your honesty and openness. And recipes too!
from timetosquare :
"So long could I/ Stand by, a looker-on." Thank you for having a lovely diary.
from beltwaybelle :
FWIW, a parents' group in Harrisburg, PA, is challenging the whole "intelligent design" thing. They say it's hogwash and has no place in science class. Flood, you know I feel your pain with every noun, verb, adjective, adverb, article, and conjunction that you write about Idiot Boy Bush.
from madrigle :
Thanks for your note. Yeah I was a bit ticked after that conversation. I hope you hare having a great weekend! :)
from beltwaybelle :
"And by the time MSB got home there was Brie on the cedar chest, and there were olives in a bowl..." MSB is one lucky dawg!
from beltwaybelle :
Yep, your take on the Bush "responsibility" thing crossed my mind. Of course this is a bit of Rove, but I agree with you that Bush is probably sociopathic. The rules of society (like accountability) don't apply to him unless he can twist them around to suit his own narcissistic ends. Oy. How many more days of this do we have?
from beltwaybelle :
Glad to hear it was a, ahem, fun homecoming. Hey, I may be heading your way in October or November. Just a heads up. More details when my friend down there gets back from some travel. If I come down, wanna meet up? Muah!
from zaziel :
...uh, that wasn't a reference to any specific entry--I'm just happy to see you back on diaryland.
from zaziel :
oh you beautiful beautiful man!
from non-descript :
of course you're writing here again. Just because you stopped here didn't mean I ceased reading. Mine is locked but temporarily - prying eyes had googled me in a variety of ways, two of which brought unknown visitors to my site; I'm breaking links. Until then, it's locked.
from heinrich :
just wanted to say that i'm glad you're back. best wishes for florida!
from annanotbob :
Just found you and added you - beautiful
from anabels :
Is there enough room in the living room for a paper screen between the entry way and the main sitting area. One of those Asian style ones that will break the room up without taking too much light out? Just a thought. Bels
from anabels :
Welcome back, you have been missed. Bels
from haiku-queen :
I never took you off my buddy list. Welcome back, Guy!
from candoor :
wow, it's so white :)

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