messages to fragilegirl8:
(click here to add new message):

from thecity :
Thank you for your note. Time moves faster here somehow.
from musikoid :
Thanks for updating. Sounds like you've been busy! Congratulations to your younger brother and his wife.
from musikoid :
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Your stepmother especially should be more considerate.
from musikoid :
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were by his side.
from glorycloud :
Sorry to read your Step-Dad passed away. May the Lord comfort you-family during these days of grief.
from musikoid :
You're welcome.
from musikoid :
If you drink a lot, alcohol will eventually make you discouraged and depressed. That's what's happened whenever I've gone on a phase of drinking. It's a depressant. Maybe cut back and you might find your spirits lifted.
from musikoid :
Merry Christmas
from musikoid :
Merry Christmas
from glorycloud :
You also have a blessed Christmas my dear friend. You are loved. blessings
from glorycloud :
You are not single as a professing Christian you are married to Christ Jesus-He is the Bridegroom and you are the Bride-member of the Body of Christ. The Lord is your husband-a Christian is in union with the Lord a union that is greater and more glorious than a physical union-you need express to the Lord your love for Him-His bridal love. peace
from musikoid :
Personally I don't think the age difference you describe (10 or 12 years, if I recall correctly) is a serious one. It ought not anyway to be a dealbreaker. I hope this goes well for you.
from musikoid :
Oh, my notes are on again & my dairy back with the usual password.
from musikoid :
I get it now (about Boss1). He's probably throwing his weight around, just because he can.
from musikoid :
I just caught up. That's lousy about your boss. I wonder if there's a way to report him to someone higher up. He shouldn't be behaving like that.
from glorycloud :
I have cousin's but I not been in contact with any of them for years and years. When someone in ones family dies it does seem unreal. Death is not natural. The wages of sin is death. It is a blessing to know as a Christian that when we die we die In Christ. I recently found out someone here in Holland where we live that we has only six months more to live. This individual has publicly made known he does not believe in God. I personally would hate to die with no saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. It is a blessing to know we are loved by the Lord when we die/are dying/going through the valley of death. I see the death of someone we know or have been close to as a time of self-examination-a time to make sure we are ready to meet/be judged/go into the Eternal State Hell or Heaven. It is a blessing to be comforted by the Lord when we are grieving for someone we know who has died/also can be a time of praising the Lord if that person was ready to enter into the Joy of the Lord-experience the Life of God forever and ever- to swim in the ocean of God's love. peace
from musikoid :
Thanks.
from musikoid :
I think she is probably in heaven. Condolences.
from musikoid :
I'll pray your stomach pains be relieved. I hope you find a decent doctor.
from glorycloud :
How was your date?
from glorycloud :
thank you for the Happy Birthday! also this month I celebrated my spiritual birthday-I have been a Christian now 53 years-the Lord has been faithful!
from glorycloud :
the lady who cleans my teeth has been cleaning mine going on 33 years
from musikoid :
I write on WordPress but because it's not password-protected, I don't feel I can be particularly open. You can create it so that only certain select people read your stuff however. Also I think you have to pay, but there's a way to download all your DiaryLand entries so they won't be lost forever.
from musikoid :
I'm glad. I worried I was out of line.
from musikoid :
I hope you don't put too much credence on his having put a single "like" on one of your Facebook posts. I went out with a gal here a couple times and she turned out to be one of these anti-Christians. Like you know, Christians this and Christians that, everything is the Christian's fault. I wasn't going to pursue it and stopped talking to her. Then a year or so later she kinda "came back" and started putting a few likes on my posts. No way am I going back to that lady. No way should you let loneliness dictate an important life decision like that. You see that guy, it will all the be the same and you'll be hurt all over again. Sorry if this is overly fatherly, it's just when I read your entry, I became alarmed. Praying for you.
from glorycloud :
thank you for the note-sad to read about the cat dying-God is love and His love is real-one can not say or write with certainty that God hates them. What you should do is pray for God's love to display or revealed to you in the Cross of Christ. Pray for the Holy Spirit to fill you for a saving love for the Lord Jesus Christ. We are all going to die and for those who have experienced the saving love of God we will forever in a world of love. Here is my Flickr album Home https://www.flickr.com/photos/20831498@N03/albums/72157629119918789
from musikoid :
God loves you. I am sorry to hear about your cat.
from glorycloud :
thank you for the note-marriage is an eternal blessing
from musikoid :
I can't stand dating either. The whole concept of it bothers me. I would have to be about ten times more extroverted in order to deal with it.
from musikoid :
I don't know. Maybe if you took a vacation, first one in eleven years, it would be good for you. That is, if you could somehow rationalize affording it.
from musikoid :
Hi I've been reading and praying for you. I hope your depression is lifted soon. I've been writing too, same password, and I wish you a Happy Easter.
from musikoid :
It's good you've been able to keep that same job for so many years. I went to Ash Wednesday service last night, having already given up all three of my bad habits, that I was aware of. To the point, I haven't done any THC since Feb 11th at 7am. I tapered down off the concentrate down to the flower and then finally stopped. We're also starting a Marijuana Anonymous group at the local recovery center. I'm starting it because every time I have tried to stop on my own, I always go back to it. But I'm definitely committed to abstinence. I will keep reading you, though I am not writing here. I'll also keep you in my prayers. God bless -
from musikoid :
Thanks. I appreciate your prayers.
from musikoid :
Thanks A. I am very scattered & trying to avoid legal trouble, as I am no longer permitted within 1500 feet of this place the Sunset Market, and I live significantly closer than that. I'm trying to finance a move to an apartment in another neighborhood, to make it easier on both of us. Also, there will be a hearing on the 21st, if you would like to pray.
from musikoid :
I've not been around for a few weeks, because I have been getting into trouble. Pray for me, and I will catch your entries later on today. God bless you.
from musikoid :
I like that Romans 15:13
from musikoid :
Well you were only like 21 years old back then. I think most people once we get into our 40's or so develop a more mature sense of things like that. It takes me a long time to process a break-up. Each time my ex left me for a long period of time, I tripped out over her for at least two years. That might be extreme, but at least I'm not the type to go on the rebound.
from musikoid :
It also amazes me how quickly some people can go from one relationship to another. I've even met people who plan their breakups. One person told me it would take about a month to break up with her boyfriend, while she was already seeing someone. My daughter also goes straight from one guy to the other, as if the new guy is helping her get over the old guy. I don't get how people can do that, it seems cold or callous to me.
from musikoid :
I'm glad. :)
from musikoid :
Maybe the night sweats will go away if you stop drinking alcohol for longer. About the churches, I don't think it's right to place the emphasis on a person's faith rather than on God's power to heal. It makes it out like the person is not only not healed, but blamed for it at the same time. When it comes down to it, GOD is the healer, and we can pray all we want, and we should pray, but it's still up to GOD when to heal, or whether or not. Our faith needs to be in Him, not in our faith.
from musikoid :
I remember reading about your sister. My daughter and I appreciate your hopes and prayers.
from glorycloud :
correction not my father's granddaughters but the daughter of my father's sister-all a mystery
from glorycloud :
DNA test yes I did that a number of years ago and have been told who my father was but I am still not positively sure if he was actually my father-long story. On Facebook I am in contact with my father's granddaughters.
from glorycloud :
This evening I read your last diary entry and I came across this in reading 'The Ascent of Mount Carmel' by St. John of the Cross that goes along with your feelings of emptiness/not having your fleshly desires satisfied- "5. Let us now speak of the second effect which they cause in the soul. This is of many kinds, because the desires weary the soul and torment and darken it, and defile it and weaken it. Of these five things we shall speak separately, in their turn. 6. With regard to the first, it is clear that the desires weary and fatigue the soul; for they are like restless and discontented children, who are ever demanding this or that from their mother, and are never contented. And even as one that digs because he covets a treasure is wearied and fatigued, even so is the soul weary and fatigued in order to attain that which its desires demand of it; and although in the end it may attain it, it is still weary, because it is never satisfied; for, after all, the cisterns which it is digging are broken, and cannot hold water to satisfy thirst. And thus, as Isaias says: Lassus adhuc sitit, et anima ejus vacua est.[124] Which signifies: His desire is empty. And the soul that has desires is wearied and fatigued; for it is like a man that is sick of a fever, who finds himself no better until the fever leaves him, and whose thirst increases with every moment. For, as is said in the Book of Job: Cum satiatus fuerit, arctabitur, oestuabit, et omnis dolor irruet super eum.[125] Which signifies: When he has satisfied his desire, he will be the more oppressed and straitened; the heat of desire hath increased in his soul and thus every sorrow will fall upon him. The soul is wearied and fatigued by its desires, because it is wounded and moved and disturbed by them as is water by the winds; in just the same way they disturb it, allowing it not to rest in any place or in any thing soever. And of such a soul says Isaias: Cor impii quasi mare fervens.[126] 'The heart of the wicked man is like the sea when it rages.' And he is a wicked man that conquers not his desires. The soul that would fain satisfy its desires grows wearied and fatigued; for it is like one that, being an hungered, opens his mouth that he may sate himself with wind, whereupon, instead of being satisfied, his craving becomes greater, for the wind is no food for him. To this purpose said Jeremias: In desiderio animoe sum attraxit ventum amoris sui.[127] As though he were to say: In the desire of his will he snuffed up the wind of his affection. And he then tries to describe the aridity wherein such a soul remains, and warns it, saying: Prohibe pedem tuum a nuditate, et guttur tuum a siti.[128] Which signifies: Keep thy foot (that is, thy thought) from being bare and thy throat from thirst (that is to say, thy will from the indulgence of the desire which causes greater dryness); and, even as the lover is wearied and fatigued upon the day of his hopes, when his attempt has proved to be vain, so the soul is wearied and fatigued by all its desires and by indulgence in them, since they all cause it greater emptiness and hunger; for, as is often said, desire is like the fire, which increases as wood is thrown upon it, and which, when it has consumed the wood, must needs die. 7. And in this regard it is still worse with desire; for the fire goes down when the wood is consumed, but desire, though it increases when fuel is added to it, decreases not correspondingly when the fuel is consumed; on the contrary, instead of going down, as does the fire when its fuel is consumed, it grows weak through weariness, for its hunger is increased and its food diminished. And of this Isaias speaks, saying: Declinabit ad dexteram, et esuriet: et comedet ad sinistram, et non saturabitur.[129] This signifies: He shall turn to the right hand, and shall be hungry; and he shall eat on the left hand, and shall not be filled. For they that mortify not their desires, when they 'turn,' justly see the fullness of the sweetness of spirit of those who are at the right hand of God, which fullness is not granted to themselves; and justly, too, when they eat on the left hand,[130] by which is meant the satisfaction of their desire with some creature comfort, they are not filled, for, leaving aside that which alone can satisfy, they feed on that which causes them greater hunger. It is clear, then, that the desires weary and fatigue the soul."
from glorycloud :
I personally am not into Christmas. When our children were growing up we observed Christmas for them. But our kids are now married and have families of their own. Here at the home base my wife and I do not make a big deal about Christmas. My wife does give our kids and grandchildren gifts like money etc. . . Our kids do send Christmas cards-the only child that gives a Christmas gift is our oldest son and his wife (they live down the street from us). My wife would find joy if all our family were here for Christmas but that would be impossible. The other morning we faced time with our middle child Josiah and we watched his two little girls Marika and Lydia open up their Christmas gifts. Our third child and last is Bethany who lives in Denver CO. Beth (she is married with four children) and Carol are always in contact on their phones. Anyway I tend to see Christmas as a time to thank the Lord for coming to this earth to die for my sins-bring in eternal salvation for the elect. But I do wish you a Christ-filled Christmas.
from musikoid :
You as well. Merry Christmas.
from glorycloud :
"I never thought I would be 41 alone and have been single for 9 years" As a Christian who is now 70 years old I know I am not alone. Christ Jesus is always with me. One can be married for 43 years and at times of feel alone. But I know I am not alone because I am united to Christ-He is my Bridegroom and I am His mystical Bride. So if you profess to be a Christian you are not alone but united to Christ in a mystical marriage relationship for ever and ever. Christians can now taste the sweet taste of God's holy love and never feel a thirst for earthly pleasures. Christians are now set free from sin, the world and the devil. Also remember true Christians can discern inwardly when one is not walking close to the Lord Jesus. There is a spirit of Christ in Christians and a fleshly spirit in the ungodly. So if you are in a living loving relationship with the Lord Jesus you are not alone or single. During these days of Advent meditate on the Birth of Christ and remember He came to die for sin-to unite elect sinners to Himself-we are now as Christians His Bride-His Church-the Body of Christ. peace
from musikoid :
Happy Birthday
from glorycloud :
It would be terrible to appear before the Throne of Glory wherein sits the Lord Jesus Christ with your brains blown out. What you should do this week is go before the Lord Jesus and hand over your weary mind and soul. Pray for salvation and seek to live a life of holiness. Why live for your sinful flesh? The way of the flesh is the way of eternal death. The way of walking in the power of the Holy Spirit leads to eternal now and forever. As a child of God Christians never walk alone through this vale of tears. Christians can find comfort in God's Fatherly love and care all their days. So do not blow out your brains but fall down before the Lord Jesus in repentance and faith. Remember the day of salvation will soon come to an end. Once we are dead there is only eternity, either one is in Hell or Heaven. Have a good Thanksgiving (we have much to be thankful for)!
from musikoid :
You too. I hope you are uplifted in a new direction. Happy Thanksgiving
from musikoid :
I'm glad. I'm praying.
from musikoid :
I'm worried about your health and hope you can get to a doctor.
from musikoid :
Missed you today. I know you were headed for church. Hope you're well.
from musikoid :
Sorry my password somehow reverted back to the previous password. I'm just going to keep it there and see what happens. Sorry for the inconvenience.
from musikoid :
I get that. I tend to think your vents are a little more reality-oriented than mine though (but I guess comparing one-to-another is silly). Thanks for noting -
from glorycloud :
I once was lost in sin but Jesus took me in And then a little light from heaven fill my soul He bathed my heart in love and He wrote my name above And just a little talk with Jesus makes me whole … Now let us have a little talk with Jesus Let us tell Him all about our troubles He will hear our faintest cry And He will answer by and by … And when you feel a little prayer wheel turnin' And you will know a little fire is burnin' Find a little talk with Jesus makes it right … I may have doubts and fears My eyes be filled with tears But Jesus is a friend who watches day and night I go to him in prayer He knows my every care And just a little talk with Jesus makes it right … Now let us have a little talk with Jesus Let us tell Him all about our troubles He will hear our faintest cry And He will answer by and by … And when you feel a little prayer wheel turnin' And you will know a little fire is burnin' You will find a little talk with Jesus makes it right … Now let us have a little talk with Jesus Let us tell Him all about our troubles He will hear our faintest cry And He will answer by and by … And when you feel a little prayer wheel turnin' And you will know a little fire is burnin' You will find a little talk with Jesus makes it right Right, right, right
from musikoid :
Imo you & I could both use a really competent and compassionate therapist. (This is only my opinion.)
from musikoid :
Check your email for user/pass & a little note.
from musikoid :
Well yeah and I think we're supposed to watch for signs. I just edited my entry (it's longer) about why I resigned. I still can't explain it though.
from musikoid :
Not sure what to say about Mitchell, but you got me freaking out over the 9-11 thing. Maybe something big is about to happen. I hope not but I wouldn't be surprised the way things have been going.
from musikoid :
Eerie about 9/11 -
from musikoid :
I really want to reply to some of your entries but don't feel it's quite right I leave my comments in the notes section here. I'll email you when I get it together.
from musikoid :
Thanks. I honestly don't believe I accomplished anything other than moving out of the neighborhood (though that move probably saved my life.) I was going to note you this morning. Something about Sundays goes hand in hand with loneliness. I have noticed this myself. Hang in there -
from musikoid :
I am praying for you
from musikoid :
I emailed you a new user/pass
from glorycloud :
Paul Washer on the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongue- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcJ7ow_rhYM
from glorycloud :
How was my baptism in the Holy Spirit? When I first became a Christian I was involved in the Jesus Movement (if you read my Crookedfingers diary entry I directed you to you know that)-the point is that Jesus People were Charismatics (Not Pentecostals) meaning Jesus People spoke in Tongues-danced in the Spirit-believed in miracles "signs and wonders" etc. . . In the early days of my Christian life I joined a American Baptist Church and hung out with the Youth Leader who was in his 20's he was a musician and wrote Christian music-to make a long story short he was asked to perform a local Charismatic Baptist church and I went with him because I had nothing else to do. After Byron performed and Pentecostal group came on stage and all I remember was I was knocked down and found myself speaking in tongues. I was not seeking "the second blessing" just observing the people and listening to the music. But all of sudden I was on my knees in a state of spiritual ecstasy speaking in tongues. I can't explain this experience that took place many years ago. I believe today that when God saved me it was a work of the Holy Spirit. A person can not be a Christian unless He is filled with the Holy Spirit. I believe there are many fillings of the Spirit-some felt others believed by faith. I object to the teaching called "Second Blessing Theology" that one received the fullness of the Spirit after conversion. No every Christian at the time of their conversion has the fullness of the Holy Spirit but there are times when we experience grace touches of the Spirit-taste the divine sweetness of God. We are not to seek spiritual experiences but we are to seek the Lord by faith "the dark night"-but there are times when we taste the love of the Lord Jesus.
from glorycloud :
You can read about my spiritual journey here in my online diary Crookedfingers (my primary online diary) https://crookedfingers.livejournal.com/tag/a%20sanitized%20christian%20testimony
from glorycloud :
"I don't even know why the fuck I am breathing?" I have struggle with that question my whole life. Why do I exist? What is the meaning of life? As you know from reading my diary Here I never had a real profession-career etc. . . I basically drifted through my life getting married-going to college and seminary-raising three children now married and raising their own children-I had one real job which ended in 2007 and now it is 8/25/2022-I have come to realize as a Christian that I breath because God is the Creator-He creates each day that exists in the history the world/planet earth-Plan of Redemption. Each day that I breath I live in union and communion with the exalted Lord Jesus Christ who is my spiritual breath-I am filled with the Holy Spirit who is the Living Breath so I exist because God exists-I live because God is Life-He keeps us breathing-He has given each one of us a certain number of days to prepare for the Life to come-some of us will go to Heaven and some of us will go to hell-so today, this day is given to us to seek His mercy, love, and grace that has been displayed in the Death of Jesus Christ-Today we are to seek love and serve Christ Jesus. If we are not serving Christ we are serving false gods-ourselves-our lusts-our fake dreams etc. . . So why do we breath? Because God has called us to know and love the Lord Jesus before The Last Day comes and then it is all over-no more Time no more days to repent and believe the glorious Gospel of God.
from glorycloud :
I agree that most churches do not have any ministries directed to singles who are not college age. Also churches do not have ministries directed to older men married or single. My wife is head of the Woman's Education ministry in her church-it seems women married or widowed are more involved in church ministry than other groups. I really do not see in churches any one to one pastoral care going on. When it comes to spiritual growth it is up to the Lord to keep one on the highway of Holiness. The visible Church will not come knocking so we must stay on our knees before the throne of grace. It is a blessing to know as a Christian the Lord will perfect the work of salvation begun in us.
from glorycloud :
a sermon Repent Or Perish by Rev. Martin one of my favorite gospel preachers- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7p53W1ktfk
from musikoid :
Good to hear prayers were answered.
from musikoid :
Praying for you
from glorycloud :
After reading last diary entry these words of Pastor John Owen came to my mind- "3. Sin not only troubles us, but if left alone, it produces soul-destroying sins. Sin not only strives, acts, rebels, troubles, and disturbs us, but if it is left alone, if it is not continually mortified, it will produce great, cursed, scandalous, souldestroying sins. The apostle tells us what the works and the fruits of sin are. “The works of the flesh are apparent: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, jealousy, anger, strife, sedition, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, carousing, etc.” You know what it did in David and many others. Sin always aims at the extreme. If it had its way, every time it rises up to tempt or entice, it would go out to the most extreme sin of that kind. If it could, every unclean thought or glance would become adultery. Every covetous desire would become oppression. If it were allowed its own reign, every thought of unbelief would become atheism. Men may reach a point, where sin is so unrestrained, that it no longer stings their conscience. The most outrageous sin no longer seems scandalous. If every impulse of lust were satisfied, it would reach the height of villainy. Sin is like the grave that is never satisfied. This is part of the deceitfulness of sin, which hardens men’s hearts and leads to their ruin. It is subtle in its initial approach, and so we succumb to it. But once it has a hold on our heart by these little concessions, it gains a footing; and then it presses on in increasing degrees of the same kind. This continual pressing forward fools the soul into thinking the separation from God that has already happened is insignificant. It thinks that if there is no further progress, then nothing is different. To the extent the soul is made insensitive to a sin, that is, insensitive to what the gospel requires of the believer, that is the extent to which the heart is hardened. But sin still presses forward. That is because the only boundary it has is our complete relinquishment of God, and our opposition to him. Its ability to proceed towards this extreme end by degrees, and to make good the ground it has gotten by hardness, does not come from its nature, but from its deceitfulness. Nothing can prevent this infiltration but mortification. Mortification will wither the root of the sin, and strike at its head every hour, so that whatever it aims at it is thwarted. If the best saint in the world shirks this duty, he will fall into as many cursed sins as anyone else." John Owen
from glorycloud :
https://www.gracegems.org/29/christ_is_ever_with_you.htm
from glorycloud :
Thank you for the note. I was recalling this morning when our daughter was a young woman-single she did not believe in causal dating. Like her mother she never had a boyfriend only male friends but nothing else-our daughter Beth would always tell guys who wanted to go out with her that she believed she only dated guys that she could see herself marrying-she did not date just for the sake of dating-our daughter Beth always had a gang of girlfriends she did things with and their were also fellows around when they did things. But Beth never actually dated till she met the fellow she is now married to-she met her husband Andy while teaching First Grade in New Mexico-Andy was the brother-in-law of another teacher-anyway the point is that always seek a man who is godly-a man of prayer-a man who loves God's Word-a hard worker-compassionate-would be a good Dad and leader. Our daughter Beth is now 38 years old and has four children-she married her Prince. I always told Beth your Prince will come just wait and pray. My wife never dated causally and then I came along-I am no Prince but my wife is a godly woman and that is why I married her. I knew when I met Carol 44 years ago she was a devote Christian and would be a faithful wife and a loving mother-she was a woman of prayer-(my wife made a profession of faith when she was 10 years old)-to end this entry seek a holy man and do not settle for less. peace
from glorycloud :
It was 30 years ago when I was 40 years old. In reading your diary lately it seems to me you are in a fork in the road-am I going to go the way of the flesh or the way of the Spirit. It seems you really believe a man who appears to be living ungodly life can make you happy-bring fulfillment into your life. And you do not believe the Lord Jesus can give you an abundant life-everlasting life of love. We are not to find fulfillment in human relationships-only living in a love relationship with the Lord God can we find meaning-purpose-life-outside of Christ-seeking to live for Him and not ourselves is peace-reality-happiness-contentment-as long as you think some love affair with a ungodly man is going bring joy into your life you are on sinking sand. We are meant to build our lives on the Chief Corner Stone the Lord Jesus Christ and not momentary pleasures of the flesh-remember there is a Hell and there is a Heaven-today is the Day of Salvation-if you refuse to follow Christ you only make your heart harder and harder-there is no time to truly repent of ours sins when we are dying-the day of grace has forever ended-so ponder your ways before the door of salvation is forever shut. To quote from the Gospel of Luke Chapter 13 [22] And he went through the cities and villages, teaching, and journeying toward Jerusalem. [23] Then said one unto him, Lord, are there few that be saved? And he said unto them, [24] Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. [25] When once the master of the house is risen up, and hath shut to the door, and ye begin to stand without, and to knock at the door, saying, Lord, Lord, open unto us; and he shall answer and say unto you, I know you not whence ye are: [26] Then shall ye begin to say, We have eaten and drunk in thy presence, and thou hast taught in our streets. [27] But he shall say, I tell you, I know you not whence ye are; depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity. [28] There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth, when ye shall see Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, and all the prophets, in the kingdom of God, and you yourselves thrust out.
from jimbostaxi :
I've thought about antidepressants too but that is not the path I want to go on. Each day is a struggle but I keep pushing ahead thinking the next one will be better. Have a great day! :)
from glorycloud :
https://glorycloud.diaryland.com/
from glorycloud :
https://gracegems.org/WINSLOW/The%20Believer%20Drawing%20near.htm
from glorycloud :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_6PvmHPFJ0
from glorycloud :
Peace like a river is flooding my soul, Since Christ, my Savior, maketh me whole; Sweet peace abiding my portion shall be— Jesus, my Savior, is precious to me. Refrain Precious to me, precious is He; Jesus shall ever be precious to me. Joy is abounding—my heart gaily sings, Cleave I the heavens—mount up on wings; Christ hath exalted—my soul He set free— Jesus, my Savior, is precious to me. Refrain Oh precious Jesus, how lovely Thou art! Come and abiding, rule in my heart; Break every fetter—Thy face let me see, Then Thou shalt ever be precious to me. Refrain
from musikoid :
Maybe my entry from this morning (called "Simple") addresses some of what you've been discussing in your entries. I hope you find someone to talk to.
from glorycloud :
the battle going inside is the battle of the flesh and the Spirit (Gal. 5:17 "For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary the one to the other; so that ye cannot do the things that ye would" "If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit" Gal. 5:25-"Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting" Gal. 6:7,8-in the end we have to make a decision either to follow the way of death or the way of life in the power of the Holy Spirit.
from musikoid :
That's good, if the group has been good for you in general. I never enjoyed those groups myself. All the best.
from musikoid :
Not sure you want a suggestion, but maybe you're looking in the wrong places. Those singles groups can be pretty unwholesome, as Christian stuff goes. Also I think He often provides when we aren't looking.
from glorycloud :
I just read your diary entry and you asked or wrote I do not know what to do? Immediately this old Gospel hymn came to my mind- Take time to be holy, Speak oft with thy Lord; Abide in Him always, And feed on His Word. Make friends of God’s children, Help those who are weak, Forgetting in nothing His blessing to seek. Take time to be holy, The world rushes on; Spend much time in secret, With Jesus alone. By looking to Jesus, Like Him thou shalt be; Thy friends in thy conduct His likeness shall see. Take time to be holy, Let Him be thy guide; And run not before Him, Whatever betide. In joy or in sorrow, Still follow the Lord, And, looking to Jesus, Still trust in His Word. Take time to be holy, Be calm in thy soul, Each thought and each motive Beneath His control. Thus led by His Spirit To fountains of love, Thou soon shalt be fitted For service above.
from studionique :
Oh wow! so true. You and me both. So much time wasted hanging on to something that was just not meant to be. I've kind of lost hope there will ever be anyone else. 😔
from glorycloud :
blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall see God. We have to come to a place of total dependence on the Lord before we can live for Him-enjoy Him-walk with Him. In ourselves we are nothing but in Christ is divine fulness-abundant life-strength to get from one day to the next. We have to live In Christ-realize He is in us and is the fountain of life. Also we need to fully realize how much we need the work of the Holy Spirit to live this short fading life. Someday we stand before His glory and then all our troubles we seem as vapor. God is faithful. peace
from glorycloud :
It is important to remember we are weak creatures and should not expose ourselves to temptations. Why risk falling into sin? Why play with fire? Life is very short and we will soon be in Eternity. Be wise and not foolish. Seek to please the Lord and not the corrupt flesh. Life is walking with the Lord and we need to make sure there is nothing blocking the flow of communication-holy divine love. peace
from glorycloud :
For me when I am in the eternal state of Glory a world of holy love I will be on an eternal vacation. This world is not my home. And do not place yourself in the way of temptation. Flee from all appearances of evil.
from glorycloud :
We have to always remember the Lord wants the very best for His children. He loves His people and wants to perfect the work of grace in them.
from musikoid :
Just to let you know I've been reading, from where I sit it seems like if he's getting drunk and disdains Bible studies, he's probably not the one for you. I can relate to having been isolated, and I have a hard time with those kinds of groups. Good luck to you.
from glorycloud :
"[8] Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour" 1 Peter 5:8 this verse came to my mind after reading your last post. Also these verses from Romans 6 verse 21 "What fruit had ye thin those things whereof ye are now ashamed? for the end of those things is death". There the relationship you are pursuing will only lead to death/not going forward with the Lord but going backwards. What is important is to grow spiritually and not decay spiritually. God's love is rich and eternal. We can also now experience the love of Jesus that is more satisfying then indulging in satisfying our fleshy lusts. Now is the day of grace and before we know it we will be in Eternity either heaven or hell. True love is seen when someone loves us with a God-like love/a Christ-like love-seeks our spiritual development-staying close to the heart of the Lord. peace
from glorycloud :
The other day I was thinking how people will explain to God the Judge on the Last Day why they sinned against Him. I think people will stand before God the Lord Jesus on the Last Day speechless. People will simply fall before His Glory.
from glorycloud :
Glad you wrote something. I often wonder how you have been doing. The years just zoom by!
from glorycloud :
I was thinking about your last diary entry about not being married going on 40 years old. Carol and I live on a block where there are three women who have never gotten married. One these ladies Carol knew when she was a girl at her church, this lady never married but worked her whole life. Her name is Mary and is very old but lives at home and is a devote Christian. Carol visits her and they always have a sweet time of Christian fellowship. The second single lady is a Christian school teacher and has never married and is doing fine. She has two dogs and friends/family/church family. The third lady is a retired school teacher who comes to my wife's Neighborhood Woman's Book Club. She travels and has many friends and is always doing things. Also Carol has a girlfriend she has known for 50 years who never married and is now a retired nurse and lives very full life. The point is one can be single and live a full rich spiritual life earthy life. So pray for contentment. The Lord knows what is best for His children. peace
from glorycloud :
Sorry to read about your cat dying at 18 years old. As a Christian I am never alone, I am always in the Presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. I have a heavenly Father who loves me and the Holy Spirit who lives in me moment by moment. One day soon I will be forever with the Lord. Maybe it is time to pray? peace Jonny
from musikoid :
I'm trying to find your email address so I can email you.
from musikoid :
same
from musikoid :
Wow!! Long time no see! How are things? I'd like to exchange passwords with you, if you don't mind. I don't remember what happened last time, but I am doing much better in life today than I was back then. Up in Idaho, have had my own apartment for years, been at the same church for years, and loving it up here (for the most part.) Please reconnect - this is awesome!
from glorycloud :
Glad you wrote an update. peace
from glorycloud :
All I can say is hang in there girl. Life is a rough road. We have to wait out this Pandemic. Do all that we are suppose to do to keep ourselves from getting sick. Things have to get better someday. Pray for mercy. Pray for grace to keep going. peace
from raven72d :
I've been here since 2002 as well. It's good to see other long-term diarists here. (May I have a password?)
from glorycloud :
I lost the information needed to get into your diary-please send me the user name and password- [email protected]
from glorycloud :
It has been long time since you have written. I think your right it is a waste of time dating a fellow if you see no future with him-also he drinks and is divorced-sounds like problems-do not trade loneliness for problems/a dead end relationship-there must be fellows out there who have their shit together-go to church or churches and check out Christian fellows-not saying Christian guys have their shit together either-my wife married me and I know I did not have my shit together when we got married-now I am too old to get my shit together-my wife puts up with my shit because she is filled with the love of God-that is what we need partners who love us with the love of God-peace
from glorycloud :
merry christ mass and happy birthday! peace
from minstrelite :
Hi just read your entry today again. Last time I wrote to send my user/pass to the last email I had for you but it didn't work. I am doing much better in life these days - I have a church job and mu own apartment up in Idaho and I've been clean for over six months. If you want to read me why don't you send me an email at andypope7 at zoho dot com. Good to see you writing again, and Happy Holidays.
from musikoid :
I just saw you'd updated and read your entry from earlier this month. You sent me a really nice card a few years ago. I'm doing a lot better now. I'm clean and I have a job at a church and my own apartment in Idaho. I'll send my password to the email address I have for you. I hope things start going better for you, in the area of your concerns.
from silver4 :
Hope you stay safe out there! Make sure you check in with us so us dlanders know you are good :)
from glorycloud :
be safe from the storm Glad you wrote something-I often wonder how you are doing-we must always remember that if people/professing Christians ignore us or do not reach out to us the Lord is always standing in front of us with open arms-the Lord delights in expressing His love for His people-those who are discouraged and feel like crap unloved forgotten-marriage is not the cure for loneliness-God calls some to be single-if the Lord wants us to be married He has the right person for us-in meantime we should make ourselves the best we can be so when find that right person we will be mature and wise-it is tragic when people entry into marriage for wrong reasons-we marry in the Lord to love the other with Christ like love and not self seeking love-keep writing and give all your troubles to the Lord Jesus-He longs to be our Beloved-peace
from minstrelite :
If it makes you feel any better, my 34th year was the year of my first arrest and jail time. (That won't make you feel any better, but I just thought I should say so.) Seriously, I feel you on the friends thing. It's hard to know who your friends are in the first place, and even harder when they never get back to you. I hope Christmas is kind to you this year.
from silver4 :
I tried to get the tool tickets for LA since it was closer, right when they went on sale, but same thing, it was sold out and way more expensive on other sites. My friend bought the tickets for the SF show, and I'm afraid to find out how much they cost. I'm kind of hoping he just covers mine since he was so adamant for me to go with him. Also, happy birthday! I believe it was the 19th or around there. I emailed you, but not sure which message you'll see first.
from cloudy-night :
It's true, I can't help everyone. But I want to make an attempt if it's within my means. I really like the fact that you try to help those who truly need it
from silver4 :
Your sister is a mess. She sounds so troublesome, and you are right; your mom will totally end up taking care of the kid. Who knows, sometimes having a kid can mature a person... I fear that she might not be that person though. Good luck with getting out of there! I'm always rooting for you.
from musikoid :
Thank you.
from musikoid :
Pray for me. I try to approach the Lord and I cry for a split second when I remember His love. How quickly after that I want to do the most terrible things imaginable, is abominable. I've been clean for a long time and could easily go out and do a bunch of drugs right now. I don't have my bipolar meds and I am over-reacting to every situation - even this one. I'll pray for your chronic pain. I am blessed my problems are only with my mind. But I don't know why God keeps me here. A healthy body doesn't say much - or do much, without a healthy mind to lead it. God bless you.
from cloudy-night :
I can go on about the 90's all day. What were three of your favorite shows? And what are three of your favorite songs?
from glorycloud :
I have been writing in Diaryland since March 2001. I wish Andrew would fix Diaryland. All I can do now is write here and leave notes. Oh well we are powerless-hope is well-may the Lord bless! Jonny
from silver4 :
I'm sorry to hear about your cat. I hope something comes around soon and brings you comfort, you deserve a break. And your former friend sucks with the way everything went down with your ex. You deserve much better people in your life, and they will come around
from jondavid2010 :
Joseph Gordon-Levitt is an incredible actor. And he picks good roles in good movies. The roles he plays show a really broad range, too. I recommend Inception, if you haven't seen it. For really great films and roles of his that are less challenging (not disturbing), I recommend Brick (soooooo good) and The Lookout. If you want to see a very, very challenging film that is almost unwatchable because it is so dark - Mysterious Skin.
from silver4 :
Thanks! It was spoken too soon, because I looked it up and I'm not at the top, but I will be, one day... Sorry you are feeling so down. We all need that affection from our parents, moms in particular.
from glorycloud :
The person who has ever loved me has been my wife. I do not think anyone loved me as a child. The people I grew up with were enslaved to sin/themselves/ do messed up inside to give true love. True love comes from the Lord God. One way to over come depression is to tell the Lord you are depressed and need His help. We need to humble ourselves before the Lord before He can lift us up. The Lord truly loves us and wants the very best for His children-peace
from silver4 :
Wow that must be quite the bonus if it would be good enough to help you move out! I hope you get it and everything works out for you
from musikoid :
I just started reading again. I regret having been truant. I don't own a computer right now, so Internet time has been sparse. It looks like you've been through a lot. I'll read more, and likely have more to say later. Take care of yourself -
from silver4 :
Ahh... The return of T. Do you think that you are going to say anything to him or spend any time together?
from jondavid2010 :
Thankyou. Bless you.
from silver4 :
I just always find that song to reach out to me and it applies on so many levels. Then again, most of their music does. Any situation I am having, guaranteed there is a tool song there with my name on it
from glorycloud :
here are more pictures of the lower level or basement https://www.flickr.com/photos/20831498@N03/sets/72157606290392170/
from silver4 :
You know me too well :)
from cloudy-night :
Wow, it has been a very long time since I've heard from you. Glad to see that you're still on d-land! How's life been treating you? The last time I read one of your entries, you mentioned taking a break and locked it. I think that is what happened... I am going to try and wean myself away from sugar, although that means going to a sugar addict's version of AA.
from silver4 :
Hm maybe this Seth guy is just shy now or is afraid to make a move because he can't figure out if you are interested or not. You could make the first move, but in my experience sometimes that is too much for some of them. Sometimes it's better than being in limbo not knowing where you stand with him. Maybe go out on a legit date that makes it obvious that it's a date vs friends hanging out, and see if anything comes forth? I'll be crossing my fingers for you! As for the boss, be careful there. Obviously he is interested. I doubt that any man or woman would make that massage comment as just a buddy. Take caution with crossing lines, it's hard to step back once it happens!
from silver4 :
Thank you, I appreciate it :) I want a lot of good for you! Keep me updated
from silver4 :
Wow. That was a great read. I'm going to print that out. I'm glad you came across it. I feel like sharing that on fb but I can already imagine all the comments I'll get! Very good thoughts in that article though
from silver4 :
I'm watching bachelor in paradise. Marquel...man... He's ridiculously hot. That smile... Ugh I need to go on a date
from glorycloud :
thanks for the Happy Birthday-remember the love of Jesus He will never forsake His blood bought sons and daugthers-He longs for us to know Him more and more-to give Him our sorrows and burdens-He is is our strength in this weary world-peace
from silver4 :
Oooh glad you are going to the NIN/SG show!! Soundgarden was good, but NIN takes the cake. Such different sounds, it was odd to me that they are doing the tour together but it was fine. I'm happy you get to see NIN again! Trent said this is their last tour for a long time :( and yes, I am saying Trent as if he and I actually had a conversation. Perhaps he addressed the whole audience, not just me :/
from silver4 :
Yea..that bugs me, like why wasn't I more than just someone to hook up with? But whatever... Let these people swim in their happiness and enjoy it all. They deserve it, but dammit, we do too!
from tobehis :
I sometimes feel that way when people don't respond to my text messages, either. Usually, though, they're just busy. I have to remind myself it's not me. Hang in there, girl, and keep writing it all out.
from silver4 :
Yes, that we are...I get so emo when I drink and am feeling alone. I did go in this morning at 8 and fix the guy's tooth, so that reset me! Did you go to the service?
from jondavid2010 :
I'm very sorry for your loss of Tres.
from musikoid :
I haven't been keeping up, and I'm sorry to hear about your friend Tres. I've been a little out of the loop -- I haven't had a computer for months now. I finally got a good MacBook Pro. You can talk to me if you want to. Best wishes. - Andy
from silver4 :
Well it's more for you to pay respects to him and your past relationship. It's okay if they don't know you; he did and you guys had a connection. If you can make it, I would say do it
from silver4 :
Wow that's very unfortunate. You should go to the funeral regardless of whether or not you find someone to accompany you. I've gone to funerals alone before. I'm sure you will see people that you know there, and his family would be happy that you came by to pay your respects as well
from silver4 :
You should come! :)
from silver4 :
:( I hate to be cliche and say it gets better..but crap. You really haven't caught a break in a long time. I wish I could help, all I can do is send positive vibes your way. Hopefully the kid has insurance and the company will pay the bulk of the claim.
from silver4 :
He was cute! His cookie thing was dorky but memorable. Hopefully they will see that he was a good guy and make him the next bachelor (unless I snag him up somehow first [yes, he is a Vegas guy])! I heard people were being rude towards him or something? Not cool
from silver4 :
No :( i keep missing it like the last 3 Monday nights I have been out! And I don't have dvr lol...ooh I can actually catch it on abc online! What have I missed?? Anything interesting?
from glorycloud :
No I do not usually go to estate sales looking for used books. In the past we have checked out estate sales for used books but have not found anything exciting. We have gone to peoples houses where someone has died and left their books to be sold by family members-I have yet to find a mind blowing library at an estate sale-also usually when someone dies and they have a large library the family members sell most of the books to online book dealers and not the general public-they want to get as much money for the books as possible-hope you are doing well-peace
from silver4 :
Please know that even though you don't really know us, all of your readers are in a way your friends. I can speak only for myself but my guess is many more feel the same, but I care about you and your well-being, and it sucks that things keep going crappy for you, and I'm waiting and hoping for you to pull through. We are strangers, but I care regardless, and through this site we really know what's in each others' hearts and thoughts, exposing sometimes more than the the other friends in our lives get to know. You can't help the way your friend reacts, and you know sometimes in new relationships people are irrational and quick to react in protection of what they may think is their true love. Moving in that quickly rarely goes well, and she is going to want you there one day, along with your shoulder for her to cry on. Be patient, let her collect her thoughts, and know that you have many friends out there, although away in other states (countries?), who you just haven't met in person. Life, work, money, and family situations can all get crappy, but it can and will turn around for you. You just have quite the detour you are taking for it all to come together for you. Yes it is cliche to say hang in there, but really that's all you can do sometimes. Just know people out here care about you and your well-being even if you can't see us!
from silver4 :
:/ hang in there... I know I can't really say much that would be comforting. I saw that my last ex had jumped back on online dating after we broke up and I was pretty hurt about that for a while too, but i can't take it personally. You should try out the online thing. I did meet some interesting people through it, whichever one you try. I'm not the most dedicated to dating, so I don't put my heart into it as much as I could. But it is pretty fun to play around with. We are all having our little personal struggles, you just have to wake up and make it through the day and have faith in yourself that it really does get better. And hopefully your pain, physical and emotional, will begin to subside soon. I'll be thinking of you
from jondavid2010 :
re. Tattoos vs. Three Piece Suit - A couple people at my church have said something similar. Rabbit actually told me that my sleeve tattoo and ripped jeans gave him a greater reason to trust my sincerity. he wasn't a Christian when he joined us, and is now a believer. But I'm not moving to a three piece suit :) Like I said (I think I said it) I don't think it is honouring to god for us to try to be someone we are not. What I'm trying out is trading my three five-year-old pairs of black jeans held together (just barely) by dental floss and patches (all of different colours, sizes, and shapes), for a pair of new black jeans, my old faded tshirts in various stages of wear and "holiness" that show off my full coverage shoulder-to-wrist colourful tattoo for a long-sleeved black casual button-up (don't worry - it still looks pretty bad ass with epilets) and rarely trimmed beard well below my collar that is frequently compared to either the Taliban or Duck Dynasty for something closer trimmed to my face. So I still look like me. On a scale of tattoos to three piece suit, I'm still a lot closer to tattoos. And outside of Sunday morning, I'm still going to dress as I always have.
from silver4 :
Wow, that quote is beautiful and touching. Thank you for sharing it with me, I will be printing that out and keeping it close by. Thanks for your words. We all have our emotional struggles, I just need to toughen up sometimes and get over it!
from jondavid2010 :
What's the new blog addy?
from glorycloud :
I have also started a blog in Word Press- http://jonnyray49423.wordpress.com/
from silver4 :
I hope you find the peace of mind you have been searching for :( my heart is with you
from musikoid :
I thought I'd sent it to you - maybe I spelled your email address wrong. Try echo/echo, sorry about that.
from musikoid :
I just caught you. I don't own a computer and had forgotten your password, which I suddenly remembered. Sorry to hear about your Aunt's passing. It sounds like the Memorial Service went well, though. I wouldn't worry about weed if I were you, but I would stay in the Word.
from jondavid2010 :
I'm sorry for your loss.
from silver4 :
Giving my condolences for your loss
from silver4 :
Whoa, good luck with seeing T. Hopefully it isn't too emotional, and you two can discuss everything and maybe rekindle what you had.
from tobehis :
I think finding motivation is something a lot of us struggle with. I know I do. There's an entry in my head right now that I want/need to write about, something I've been mulling over all day...but I'm too tired to do it. And, like you said, the room needs cleaning, financial information from work needs to be read, etc., etc....but it's not getting done.
from anorexicmeg :
Thank you. :)
from silver4 :
Thanks! I'll have to check that out!!
from glorycloud :
"She's not dead, she's just sleeping..." Luke 8:52
from silver4 :
Woo hoo! Glad you got your tickets!! I didn't get mine yesterday because apparently we are going as a huge group (like 20!!) and a couple of the guys are going to go down to the venue to pick out the seats to buy the tickets during the general sale. I hate the wait, but good to have an awesome sized group. Hope you hear about the flight landing soon!!
from silver4 :
NIN is doing another tour this summer! They will be your way in August. Their last concert was really awesome with the lights and effects they did, hopefully you can check it out this time! Concerts always bring a new round of happiness to my world. Is there anything you can do to get your online business promoted more? Have you talked to people about what you could do to try to stand out more and get more attention? Do you have a Facebook and google page for it? I am struggling myself trying to get marketing under way and more exposure for my office, so trying to think of what are the supposed heavy sites to run with. It's so freakin tough trying to make a name for ourselves :( I still think you could use a Vegas trip to lift your spirits, if even temporarily...hey, NIN will be here in July...just saying ;) I am also very curious about what happened with that flight
from jondavid2010 :
Alo 11-02
from jondavid2010 :
Pickle lived with u in the community houe. He wa Therea' cat. Later, we had a cat named Lloyd, Ether' cat, when he lived with u. Now we live alone, and we are fotering a cat named Hobbe, who wa found by a neighbour a a kitten a couple month ago. He' very nice. One of my key i broken right now... gue which one? Anyway, check out my entrie for the following date for a fun tory: (2013) 10-13, 10-14, 10-15, 10-27
from tobehis :
You're pretty. :-)
from silver4 :
Nice video, that looks really sweet
from silver4 :
Pretty lady! Look at those eyes!!! Happy anniversary :)
from glorycloud :
such a nice picture of you-I always like to see the faces of the people I read-may the Lord bless
from silver4 :
Wow! That's crazy. Glad you are safe. On my side of the world, it is so calm. I can't imagine what it is like for people who are actually experiencing acts of nature and it's effects.
from tobehis :
And yet reality is still there once you've come down from your pot high. Maybe you should consider throwing the pot down the pot, since reality is still there no matter what?
from musikoid :
I know what you mean about people not understanding you or what you're feeling, even though you've explained it (clearly, you believe) many times. Same thing happens to me. About the pot, I feel a little guilty about my previous note, because although it really *isn't* a big deal physiologically or in terms of any harm it might be doing to the overall culture (as opposed to something like crystal meth), it still can lead to the "phenomenon of craving" and the "obsession of the mind" that they talk about in 12-Step literature. It *can* be an addictive drug, on some level. You'll probably let go of it in time.
from silver4 :
:( have you two tried to discuss getting back on track with the relationship? It sounds like you two kind of just drifted apart but still really care about one another
from jondavid2010 :
This song. <iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/9FtEa_gomWY?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> <i>Could we with ink the ocean fill, And were the skies of parchment made; Were every stalk on earth a quill, And every man a scribe by trade; To write the love of God above Would drain the ocean dry; Nor could the scroll contain the whole, Though stretched from sky to sky.</i> Mercy Me's version of the original hymn <iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/oWnvmKoLWUU?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> HOW HE LOVES by John Mark McMillan <iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/U0luHiWwi08?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> <i>We are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, If grace is an ocean, we�re all sinking.</i> HOW HE LOVES by David Crowder Band (cover) <iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/TCunuL58odQ?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> <i>So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss And my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I don�t have time to maintain these regrets, When I think about, the way� He loves us</i> HOW DEEP THE FATHER�S LOVE FOR US by Page CXVI <iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/KxavtdQdi5w?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> <i>I will not boast in anything No gifts, no power, no wisdom But I will boast in Jesus Christ His death and resurrection</i> JESUS LOVES ME by Page CXVI <iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/xcxH48eg7ow?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> <i>Little ones to him belong They are weak but he is strong</i>
from jondavid2010 :
That was such a sweet text. He's also left the door open for you. It may be that you will transcend this season, and if so, you may find happiness with T again.
from tobehis :
Gracious, T's text almost made ME cry and I'm not even involved...That was so sweet. Does he want to get back together?
from silver4 :
I was flipping through channels one day and I paused on dr Phil (which I never watch), and it was a special with Gia's mom, telling Gia's story, with no studio audience. I watched some of it and was curious who they were talking about so I looked her up online, and I couldn't really watch more than 10-15 minutes of it because it was just too sad. That stuff really bothers me, she was so young and beautiful. You could totally tell that all she wanted was love and acceptance, and it started with her father. I felt sad for her but also upset, because I never think that is an option. No matter how alone and heartbroken we feel, someone out there loves us, even if they never say it. I try to remind my family and friends that I love them, whether or not they are feeling low. Sometimes you just need to hear it. And the date was lame. Nothing in common and he seemed like he didn't really want to be there, and he barely even smiled. Bleh.
from silver4 :
Also, 32 rocks. You are not old! Granted, I am just assuming 32 rocks, but I will find out next month. Sucks about that fb situation. I just never change my relationship status; I am eternally single according to fb. Granted, of course, I am rarely in relationships as it is in the first place... I'm not much help. But I empathize for you, and totally understand you sparing yourself from the obvious slew of questions of what happened, etc
from silver4 :
I've heard of the band, like a gazillion times (and so much lately for some reason), and I'm sure I have heard them before, but I can't place a song that stands out.. I know I totally have heard them but I wish I knew a song that stuck out...
from musikoid :
Yeah, that's Facebook for you. But hey - happy birthday! You'll feel young again, believe me.
from tobehis :
That's a problem with Facebook... everybody's up in other people's business, which really is none of their business. ...And that syntax was horrible, I apologize.
from silver4 :
Happy birthday! At least I think it is today...or if I'm early/ late, happy birthday in the vicinity of today! <3
from silver4 :
I saw that video before ! Pretty cool. Naturally I would like it, lol.
from glorycloud :
When my wife is home she talks to me and wants to do stuff so I can not get myself into a contemplative state-the Lord is good.
from silver4 :
That band has a nice sound. I hadn't heard of them before. I would say yes to going to the concert; it would be something you would enjoy, and a nice social outlet. I, however, am a huge fan of live music, so I would often encourage one to do that. It is good to go out, and great that your friends want to do something with you. Have fun with your friends, it could be a slight pick-me-up. You don't have to do anything big and crazy for the birthday. It often ends up that the celebration isn't so much for yourself, but rather for the people around you. Gotta pacify the friends and family. But it is your day, so try to have fun with it! Hopefully it will be something you can look back upon fondly in the future. Also, congrats on that loan! The high interest CC's are killer. I hope that all gets under control for you sooner than later
from minstrelite :
You're welcome.
from minstrelite :
I couldn't think of what to say when I read this entry yesterday, but now I want to leave a Note before I happen to forget. (Being older, I've become more forgetful.) I understand the difficulty in facing a birthday. For me, the "big ones" (the ones that end in 'zero') have in certain seasons been particularly difficult. 30 was horribly depressing for me. I was doing better professionally and in terms of my personal relationships when I was 28, then I lost a job, took a dive, got into drugs, etc. I was at my parent's house at the age of 30 all strung out and when they brought in the birthday cake I could tell how sad they were. 40 & 50 were actually pretty nice, I was doing well. Then all the problems I've had in the past ten years - 60 wasn't a whole lot of fun either. But to the point, if you can try to remember that your 32nd birthday, though an important day, is still only a day; and that no matter what our trials are in life, God's blessings are *absolutely new* every morning. They truly are. It is natural for a woman your age to be concerned about finding a husband, and it is to be expected that you would be depressed if your relationship with T appears not to have succeeded. However, you are a bright person, probably an attractive woman, and certainly a child of God. If you can put Him first, as soon as you wake up, every single day; you will be astounded at the marvels he will produce in your life. This is true not only of my present day, but of all people who have practiced this, every day. It is natural for us to slip and wander and falter. This is why Christ went to the Cross. DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF. You are not your Judge; and your Judge, through Christ, has forgiven you.
from silver4 :
Since September? Have you spoken to him since then at all, or just not seen one another? Maybe you should do something special for your birthday to maybe bring in some happiness. Hope that depression gets better soon <3
from silver4 :
The resting yesterday helped, I am definitely feeling better and less of a wreck. Skipped out of work after 2 hours, so I'm back home in bed. Sigh.
from silver4 :
Yep! That was mine :) sad to hear his friend passed. He did sound pretty sad about the overall situation, but I wasn't sure at first who he was referring to
from musikoid :
I'm leaving a second note because I sort of had jumped the gun and responded to the marijuana thing before I'd read your entire entry. (I shouldn't do that.) I was just thinking "oh here's another Christian person who's going to get all stressed about pot" and I didn't go any further. My bad. About your relationship stuff, I do know what it is like to share and give of yourself intimately and later find it was all for nought. I just wanted to say that you have my sympathy and are in my prayers. I still have that card you sent me - it was sweet. :)
from musikoid :
There's nothing wrong with smoking marijuana, except for illegality. Every argument a Christian has ever given me why the Bible suggests it's wrong makes no real sense. If it helps you, outside of the munchies (in my case, munchies are a *good* thing, since I'm very thin and have a hard time putting down food), I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.
from jondavid2010 :
Thinking of you.
from glorycloud :
I am meeting tomorrow a fellow Christian tomorrow for coffee. I do believe strongly in Christian fellowship but over the years I have been a Christian I have met very few Christians who can talk about their Faith with heart and intellect-anti-intellectualism is wide spread in America-I want fellowship with Christians who know more than me-who read the books I read-listen to the music I listen to-have a wide knowledge in Church History, Theology, Art, Biblical Theology, Christian Spirituality, etc. . . Why sit around and talk about nothing? Let's get deep-let's pour out our guts and souls-let's get crazy for God! Sadly Christians are too busy chasing the American Dream to seek the face of a Holy God.
from silver4 :
The new album is good, it's not as fun as some of the previous albums. There's maybe two or three songs that I'm into, and the others kinda just blend in together and sound about the same. It has a smooth feel to it, almost like The Slip album, and I cannot say there is much emotion to it. Rhythmic and methodical..pretty good, just calm. I suppose Trent isn't 26 anymore! I don't think I knew about the kids either! I have gone to so many concerts by myself. I prefer to go with other people, but only if they know the band/music also. I remember I went to a NIN concert maybe 8-10 years who, and I went with my bf at the time who barely knew a couple of their mainstream songs, and that was a lame person to go with. I get so excited at the shows. My last bf got us tickets to see A Perfect Circle but he didn't know the songs. He was also boring to go with lol... That's why I'd rather go solo sometimes! Anyways..how have you been? Any changes, something positive? How's the work situation? Hope you are well.
from glorycloud :
I find it interesting that you think I should start going back to Covenant PCA after I wrote why I stopped going. So I should go to church even though all I would hear would be theological sermons and no fellowship. Basically I would go to church on Sunday to hear two doctrinal sermons come home and spend the rest of the week having nothing to do with church culture. I can read sermons and read theology books. I do not believe church culture reflects my own Christian Spirituality. I am not into Presbyterian Reformed theological spirituality. I do not believe the biblical Gospel is being preached in most churches today. I am not into contemporary worship. I am not Pentecostal or a Free Will Baptist. I see most American Evangelicalism to be a reflection of modern American secular culture and not Biblical Christianity. I have rarely met over the 43 years being a Christian people who love the Lord Jesus Christ and the Bible. I have seen a lot of external religion but rarely seen any heart biblical Christianity. So why go to a church building on Sundays only to experience heart pain and rejection?
from jondavid2010 :
Thanks for the note. Good to hear from you. I just want to say I strongly affirm what Glorycloud wrote. God is sovereign and true, and all else is subject to change.
from glorycloud :
I have been wondering how you were doing. When all is black and we feel terrible all we can do is cry out to the Lord for mercy. The Lord is rich is mercy and compassionate. We must cast ourselves before the Mercy Seat and wait for God to restore us or give us the grace to keep seeking Him in the darkness of being.
from silver4 :
Thank you! Hope things are starting to look up for you
from musikoid :
I often feel like God is laughing in my face, or somehow messing with my head. However, I think that is an illusion, and maybe a deception of the enemy. It's more likely that our own expectations for ourselves have not been met, and that we are discouraged as a result, and that sense of expectation and discouragement clouds our vision, so that we are not able to discern God's blessings when they become available.
from tobehis :
Love is more than just feelings. Love is a commitment. Feelings come and go, but love is a lasting choice.
from glorycloud :
My wife told me the other day that Forbes magazine had listed Holland as one of America's prettiest towns. Downtown Holland is controlled by a few wealthy families and they make sure Holland is nice to look. Also the Dutch heritage plays a part in why Holland is pretty. The Dutch love flowers and gardens. Holland has many parks and also there Lake Michigan. Hope you doing well. God bless
from musikoid :
You are going to be all right. It's the whole thing of you believing that you are unlovable or incapable of loving another. This is a lie of the Devil. He preys upon your low self-esteem. But he only does this because he knows you are actually very lovable and loving, deep inside you, and he doesn't want to see that come to the surface. Hang in there.
from silver4 :
I'm sure you knew I would respond ;) That is definitely a symbolic dream, choosing between NIN and the bible. Very interesting to come up in your subconscious. And I still think Trent is a beautiful man...I never did a NIN tattoo, but my love for Tool made me get a Tool one a few years back. No regrets. I always worry about you, with your younger sister acting out the way she has lately. I like to see an update from you because it sounds like she is just trouble and dangerous, I don't want her to hurt you or others. Glad to know you are well! You haven't mentioned much of T lately, anything new there? Be strong, I'm sure your sister in heaven is watching and protecting you :)
from realthoughts :
I unfortunately have not been able to read you in many months it seems. It seems as though you must have a different password from the last time I checked?
from glorycloud :
This old gospel hymn came to my mind today as I was praying for you-God bless O Love that wilt not let me go, I rest my weary soul in thee; I give thee back the life I owe, That in thine ocean depths its flow May richer, fuller be. O light that followest all my way, I yield my flickering torch to thee; My heart restores its borrowed ray, That in thy sunshine�s blaze its day May brighter, fairer be. O Joy that seekest me through pain, I cannot close my heart to thee; I trace the rainbow through the rain, And feel the promise is not vain, That morn shall tearless be. O Cross that liftest up my head, I dare not ask to fly from thee; I lay in dust life�s glory dead, And from the ground there blossoms red Life that shall endless be.
from tobehis :
In the words of Winston Churchill, "Never, ever, ever give up." ...Ok, so that probably isn't very helpful but it popped into my brain. Thinking of/praying for you often!
from glorycloud :
"I still want to give up...." I also want to give up but there is the love of Christ that never gives up-His love is always giving-we must open up our hearts to let His divine love in/grace/strength-God bless
from jondavid2010 :
Hello sister, Just wanted you to know that I'm taking a month away from the Internet starting very soon. Except for one brief check in about a week, I'm going to be away from Diaryland until September 7. I'll catch up with you again after that.
from tobehis :
There are always options... Are you still getting connected at church?
from tobehis :
Just out of curiosity, what's your job situation like? And could you maybe find a friend/acquaintance to share rent with?
from glorycloud :
We must ask the Lord to increase our faith. We are all weak in faith, but the Lord is all powerful. We sometimes hold onto the Lord Jesus with a baby finger.
from musikoid :
It sounds like you are "opening up" and that is a good sign. I believe you will make some strides and get through this. Good luck with the online store. Finding a way to make money without having to depend upon others has been very important to me. I am praying for you.
from glorycloud :
"Every day is a struggle." and remember the Lord Jesus is with us in our day to day struggles-He does love us and want the best for us. We have to beware of the sin of unbelief. God bless
from tobehis :
I have been thinking of/praying for you this week, and will continue to do so.
from jondavid2010 :
I'm reading and I care.
from silver4 :
Well... I still don't like that kind of talk, and I don't want you to do anything stupid. You have my info, I am really here if you ever need to talk. Life is stressful and full of obstacles that we feel we can never surmount. You are loved and you have a purpose. We all have really crappy situations we get into and it seems like there's no escape. You will find all that it is that you need, but the defeatist thoughts need to go away, and soon. There are people and resources that can help you. You can do it, you can do anything, just hang in there
from tobehis :
Sorry I haven't been around in so long. Just read your latest update. Don't give up. Get help. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to You." He has a purpose for you. Don't let Satan convince you to throw the precious gift of your life away. Hang in there, sweetie!
from musikoid :
I'm praying for you.
from musikoid :
You might want to read my last two entries, http://musikoid.diaryland.com/gunpoint.html and http://musikoid.diaryland.com/trauma.html.
from musikoid :
My family used to always exclude me from any news of mishaps involving my siblings, as well. I think they did it to "protect" me for fear that I would take it too hard.
from glorycloud :
"I hate myself and I hate my fucking life." In our despair we must cry out to the Lord to give us grace to keep going. I also at times hate my life but the Lord is in control. There is a heavenly hope in the midst of our despair. We live by faith. Tell the Lord in prayer to help you and keep praying even when everything seems hopeless. God is love. Cry out night and day to the Lord Jesus for mercy. God bless
from musikoid :
No - don't lose your faith. And you won't. God is the same yesterday, today and forever despite our circumstances, sins, and sorrows. Hebrews 13 might help, and Psalm 1.
from musikoid :
I read your entry. Meth does turn people into entirely different human beings. My entire value system would change instantly. It's pretty scary stuff.
from musikoid :
I remembered what I wrote below - I'm sure I'm a Christian now, and it's not about that really. The last church did a lot to decrease my faith, but that's my bad, because I had my eye more on human people than I did on the LORD. Anyway I am without a computer these days and can't remember your password, so send me an email if you want me to get in. Thanks.
from silver4 :
NIN is starting up a new tour. Got the email today... It's about time!
from musikoid :
Hey thanks for the link. One of those is right near me, this one: http://www.oaktreeministries.net/ -- it does look pretty good. Right now, I'm just having a general problem relating to Christian people, unless I met them on the Internet. Everybody seems to be suggesting I do something I really don't think will help, and nobody seems to be providing me with a concrete reason to do it, other than that I appear to be "proud." All of them seem to be showing a lot more pride than I do. I'm not even sure I'm a Christian anymore. That's about as bad as it gets.
from silver4 :
Thanks :) I guess I'm not really too concerned, I am way too distracted right now anyways to truly entertain a relationship. But it's a nice thought to have someone adore me... maybe one day..but I'm not bummed. Why do you think T is under so much stress right now, is it work-related, personal? You mentioned presenting an option for a break, but does he ever say that is what he is thinking? Of course I am not in your shoes, but it seems like you two can really help eachother out emotionally and just by being there. It's great to have someone who supports you. I am super stressed and knowing that I have someone on my side makes it all more palatable (sisters, friends..would be nice to have a true companion, but in it's own time). Try to hang in there. Things aren't hopeless for you, it is a rough patch that seems never-ending, but I know you can pull through it. And I know it seems impossible to do, but I feel like there has to be a way to get you in a better work/financial situation. If it is just a cycle of work and bills, with nothing to show for it, you have to make a change happen, most likely in your employment or employability. Have you spoken with an advisor at the college about options, or grants, scholarships, government assistance, general assistance for courses? I hate for if to seem hopeless and I really want to see you in a better place
from tobehis :
Sounds interesting... I'd like to hear how it goes, if you don't mind sharing. ~ How are things with T?
from musikoid :
You probably will be able to go to school again but your present-day depression is telling you that you won't. I'm the same way.
from tobehis :
Hey, sorry I haven't been around in a while. Work is wearing me out! What is Sozo? And you don't have to join a gym to work out...
from jondavid2010 :
Someone from our church recently did Sozo and said very, very good things about it. They said they felt free afterward.
from musikoid :
Working out should make you feel better both bodily and mentally. I hope you can afford it. I think it's the best treatment for depression, and it's good for the soul.
from glorycloud :
I have several CD's by Frank Black-he is interesting-also like the Pixies-the Lord is faithful even when we are unfaithful-the Lord loves us even when we feel forsaken-God bless
from jondavid2010 :
Thankyou for sharing that. It's very good to write it out. Don't let anything steal what God has given you.
from jondavid2010 :
Thankyou for sharing that. It's very good to write it out. Don't let anything steal what God has given you.
from musikoid :
Thanks, fragilegirl8. I'll catch up with you, hopefully, once things clear up a bit more on my end. Thanks for your prayers.
from jondavid2010 :
Hey Amber, Life got me busy for a while and I stopped reading regularly. I am caught up now, and you can expect I'm reading every few days, at least. I'm truly sorry you're having such a hard time.
from musikoid :
Thanks. :)
from musikoid :
I sort of feel like the person who left the previous note, as a fellow misunderstood believer. Sorry I flew off, by the way. Say - I'm behind on fragilegirl8 right now along with most other diaries on my list. My personal issues have been such a preoccupation, sometimes I can't even read. Never was a very good reader, despite people thinking I'm educated and all that, never got a college degree, was unable to finish my assignments. Anyway - I don't read books or anything, I can never finish them, and I tend to be a little jealous of those who do. I'll catch up eventually. Pray for me if you can, I am dealing with demons, literal and figurative, and concerned about dying before my time.
from glorycloud :
If I was to go to a church I would feel like a freak. I hate feeling like a freak. I hate having to defend myself or make myself acceptable.
from musikoid :
You'll probably wake up in the morning -- although I know what you mean. Also, debts are aggravating. But they're not the most important thing. Many are in debt, and there's no debtor's prison in America.
from musikoid :
I don't think it sounds too weird (what you described) because I also sometimes have trouble getting to sleep if things are not in their place, the way I depend upon them to be. But I don't think that anybody has snuck into your room and moved or dislodged the robe -- or anything like that -- if that's something you've been concerned about. But I do know that Depression and Anxiety are very closely related (physiologically), and either one of them can keep a body from getting to sleep.
from glorycloud :
"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell on safety" Psalm 4:8 repeat this verse as you are about to go to sleep. The Lord loves His people and watches over us. If the Lord died for us won't He bring us to glory. "I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the LORD sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around" Ps. 3:5,6.
from glorycloud :
What is normal? What does it feel to be normal? I do not know what normal is personally. I do not concern myself with feeling normal. The Christian life is one of faith not feelings. We have to come to a place of trusting the Lord Jesus when we do not feel normal. We need to forget ourselves and focus on just trusting the Lord to take care of us when we feel abnormal. Total surrender-laying at His feet empty ready to receive His healing touch.
from musikoid :
You're welcome. :)
from musikoid :
Hey I'm really praying for your sister. You're gonna get through this -- yeah, you may need some outside help -- I used to be involved in psych forums & peer counseling so am familiar with most diagnoses & medications etc. -- not an expert just trying to help -- I know you will be all right, just hang in there. 2 Cor 10:7, Phil 1:6 -- be blessed...I care about you, sister.
from musikoid :
Wait wait a minute -- what you read *online* ? Who is saying these things? Satan is not responsible for any miracles -- only "lying signs and wonders." (2 Thess 2:9) -- I can identify to some extent because (if you got email and maybe read my entry -- I'll understand, considering the depth of your own stuff) - because I am admitting that I have listened to Satan a lot -- and I'm thinking that a lot of my difficulties (in overcoming sins, at least one of which is extremely dangerous) stem from my having believed a lie. You are *not* a person who "delights in wickedness" (again, same passage) -- you are not a person hwho has "not received the love of the truth." I implore you, as an older brother in Christ, to please not listen to whoever is lying to you in this fashion. These people do not have your best interests at heart, for why would they want to say such a thing to you even if it *were* (hypothetically) the truth? I may be Old School, but I grew up believe that it is discourteous and inconsiderate to "burst someone's bubble" so what kind of person, assuming they even believe what they are saying, will purposely try to shatter a person's entire belief-system? Right or wrong? And by the way, it's not wrong. I could be sprawling on the floor right now, flapping like a fish, screaming like a two-year-old, doing a hit-and-run, beating my wife if I had one, or burning in hell, and THE WORD OF GOD WILL ENDURE FOREVER. DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIE. You are a child of the King, saved, bought with a price, and cleansed by the blood of the Lamb. Believe it.
from silver4 :
Do you tell your family how you have been feeling lately? If they know it's an ongoing feeling and that you are having such negative thoughts, maybe they can step forward and intervene some
from glorycloud :
I can relate to your last post where you write that you hate yourself. I also hate myself, but at the same time I accept myself in all my brokenness. I would not kill myself because no matter how painful it is at time to live I rather suffer in Christ Jesus. I do believe the Lord does care about me even if I hate my existence. It all comes down to faith in the Lord no matter how bad I feel. We come to the Lord totally broken-empty-despair-darkness and He upholds us-keep crying out to the Lord-the Lord does love us even if we hate our lives and at times want to kill ourselves-He will not forsake us in are darkness hour. He is faithful even we are not. All we can give to the Lord is nothing but sin-and He give us Himself-grace-healing.
from musikoid :
I've had the same experience. Ordinarily, it relaxes me; but if I go for a long time without smoking, then the same amount will give me an unexpected panic attack. It can be pretty uncomfortable. Many people say that right there is a good reason not to smoke it. However, when used regularly and in moderation, it appears to have aspects of it that are healthful -- unlike most of the other illicit substances that I know of, whose effects are clearly injurious to the health. I've also noticed that when I stop, like you said, there aren't any withdrawals or strange effects. It's just as though I'd never smoked it to begin with, and I return to normal. But all these factors make it hard to quit. I think I might need to receive something directly from God, because none of my proclamations on the matter seem to carry any weight. Thanks a lot for your Note - I appreciate it. Hope you're doing good.
from musikoid :
Thanks for your note. I'll try to do that.
from musikoid :
I think it's healthy to take breaks sometimes in relationships. Try not to blame yourself. He's got his issues too, whatever they are, and time apart for a season can be healing.
from glorycloud :
In reflecting on your last post this old gospel hymn came to my mind- Yes, for me, for me He careth With a brother�s tender care; Yes with me, with me He shareth Every burden, every fear. Yes, o�er me, o�er me He watcheth, Ceaseless watcheth, night and day; Yes, e�en me, e�en me He snatcheth From the perils of the way. Yes for me He standeth pleading At the mercy seat above; Ever for me interceding, Constant in untiring love. Yes, in me, in me He dwelleth; I in Him, and He in me! And my empty soul He filleth, Here and through eternity.
from musikoid :
Sometimes when I'm really down, I get jealous of people who appear to be happy. But later on when I feel good again, I tend not to see them as being necessarily any happier than I am. About the health issues, that sounds a little scary. Also, I'm writing here again -- same user/pass. I made some changes and will try to be more positive. Let me know if you can't vet in. Praying for you.
from minstrelite :
I think a lot of us feel that we don't really know how to love, or even how to be loved. I don't think it's so much you, as just that we're all so clueless when it comes to love and relationships. And not all the time when people appear to have it together in a marriage or relationship, do they actually have it together. I think you probably will have a healthy relationship, because you have a good heart. About going by feelings, I do that all the time, and it gets me into a lot of trouble. But people who are overly logical can sometimes be very insensitive to the feelings of others. I think that emotions, reason, and intuition all enter into the decision making process, but in the end, if it's an important decision, we want to do the Lord's will. So it is a matter of seeking Him -- and of course feelings will be involved. Hope this helped...
from musikoid :
Also, I saw where you mentioned GotQuestions.Org -- I think they are pretty reliable. I subscribe, and I read them all the time. I think you can usually trust what they have to say, after praying about it.
from musikoid :
I'm praying for you. I hope you don't do anything rash. I have those thoughts sometimes too but they are only thoughts. They don't have to have power over you.
from jondavid2010 :
I looked her up. I've never before heard of her. What is very important is that she keeps Jesus and the gospel central. If "signs" or "manifestations" are more foundational to the subject or message of her gatherings than Jesus and the gospel, that's something to be concerned about. I didn't see evidence of that. Beyond that, I think it's a conversation for somewhere other than a DLand wall. It's good that you want something real.
from musikoid :
Oh, okay. I'm not sure I've seen that.
from musikoid :
OK I was just curious because you mentioned the thing of 'slain in the Spirit.' I didn't know what the laughter thing meant, though.
from jondavid2010 :
Hey A, speaking as someone who has been through disillusionment with the manifestations of Pentecostalism, I want to soberly counsel you to take it slow with researching those things. I absolutely believe that those of us who were brought up with Charismatic Church should test it by reason and scripture, I suspect you may not be in the state to experience the shock that can be. Focus on you, your day-to-day health. Take it easy with the charismatic. The opportunity to confront all the experiences of your faith tradition will still be there once you get your feet under you. It can be a doozy, so make sure you're healthy and ready to face it.
from musikoid :
Do you go to a Pentecostal type of church?
from musikoid :
Oh - I just went to postcrossing.com - that *is* really cool...
from musikoid :
Hey thanks again for that card. I have it on my desk where I can always see it. Believe me, it helps.
from musikoid :
Let me send you the user/pass again and see if it works. Did you try using a different browser?
from musikoid :
Hey I got your card today when I got out of the hospital. That Proverbs 3:5-6 is a reminder and an encouragement. I've got it propped up on my desk. Thanks so much. God bless you.
from tobehis :
So go work on your dreams, in memory of her.
from silver4 :
I saw that too! I think it said that they are doing Europe or something first, and then US in 2014. Exciting :) I am still working on the dreams. My relationship isn't the best either but at least I have my project to keep me occupied. I know that you said that money is tight, but I really feel like traveling takes me out of a lot of my slumps. It at least recenters me. Whether is getting better here (hint, hint!). But vegas is just desert and flashy lights. Find yourself a beach and an ocean. It does wonders for me. [But an open invitation for a place to crash if you find yourself in vegas :) ]
from silver4 :
You can have that, but it will be your own version of it, and it will be so much better. You have what sounds like a good man in your life. Just hold on and work through this depression. It seems to be holding you down a lot. I know you can get past it and become a happier person again. You seem to want it to work badly with T, but we can't force these things. Yes, you felt all was right before, but maybe something inside of you is telling you that you need something more in order to achieve the life and the love that you desire. You are still young (come on, we are the same age! We age together, so if I'm young dammit you are!), you have time to achieve and realize what you crave; you can't give up hope yet! I'll be waiting for you to post your lovey YouTube marriage video, and I know it will happen, and it will be better than the rest, because it will be yours. Hang in there <3
from musikoid :
I agree with the Noter below. But that wasn't what I was going to say. I just wanted to say that, although I don't understand the whole situation, I do hope that you and T get married.
from jondavid2010 :
Well, despite what shrill partisan pundits would have us believe, it isn't really a matter of opinion. Most of what I said is actually measurable, quantifiable, inarguable fact. What isn't (like seized more freedoms), would be fairly hard to argue against. Bush did a good job of spying, meddling, and increasing government size and control. Obama has simply left his work unchanged and then continued on the same path. This isn't an issue of right and left, it's right and wrong.
from musikoid :
You're welcome. There's a really good Psalm in my last two entries.
from musikoid :
That's good that it works. I've been praying for you...
from musikoid :
I just got your note you probably wrote previous to when I left the last note. I've never taken any of those meds myself, I've just known people who have and yeah, they do sometimes become numbed to normal feeling. That seems to be the problem with them. Maybe more aerobic exercise? There are ways to raise the serotonin levels that will not screw with the experience of normal compassion. I find that running helps.
from musikoid :
You probably did open those doors. But if you have accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior, you have received the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. The gates of hell will not prevail against you. But yeah, stay away from the Ouija board or anything remotely resembling New Age spirituality. That's where all the demons hang out and try to get at the Christians. They can't get you ultimately but they can make you pretty miserable and ineffective for Christ. That's what happened to me, but it is also where I learned that the Holy Spirit always prevails. 2 Corinthians 6:14-17.
from musikoid :
Yeah -- maybe see your doctor and request an SSRI such as Zoloft or Prozak in a low dosage. They seem to help people with Major Depression (although I've noticed in the higher dosages people getting too hyped up.)
from musikoid :
Do you think you have an organic condition such as Major Depression? I sometimes find myself feeling uncontrollably depressed even though things are going well.
from tobehis :
Finally catching up on Dland... I know what you mean about having to hold back tears while at work. Probably for a different reason than you're struggling with, but it's no fun. I feel your pain there! ~ God never promised that life would be a bed of roses. We live in a fallen, sick world. He DID promise, however, that He would always be with us to help us. Maybe you could try to find those promises in the Bible (I don't remember the references) and memorize them to help you get through the hardest times.
from musikoid :
If it helps any, I feel the same way. I'm praying for you, sister.
from musikoid :
Hey I'm doing better. I took off for a while because I seemed to be ranting too much and falling prey to an addictive relationship with DiaryLand. Anyway, I turned down that job - it was stressing me out to think about relocating again so soon. I like my new church, and the people in my living situation here. If that guy wants to hire me a little further down the road, I might relocate. But I think I should just look for a job around here. I just caught up with your entries. I'll be praying about your relationship issues. Thanks for your email, and your prayers.
from jondavid2010 :
This sounds really good (Kay)
from silver4 :
Thank you :) it saddens me that you are going through such a tough time. I am waiting for the day you say that you are feeling well. All my love <3
from glorycloud :
I cry all the time-there is much to weep about (Rev.21:4)
from jondavid2010 :
Yeah he does.
from glorycloud :
Psalm 25 verse 17-in our darkest seasons of life as God's children we must boldly come to His throne of grace and cry out to Him-He will not turn us away-seek His face and will draw near-repent and believe His love covers all our sins.
from musikoid :
I need a closer relationship with Him too. I'll pray He lifts you up. God bless you -
from musikoid :
The Lord somehow enabled me to form the right prayer for you, sister. It's because your situation is halfway parallel with mine, and I can empathize with your suffering. What came to me is that that He wants you to direct more of your thoughts toward Him, and less of your thoughts toward T. I know this is easier said than done -- but look at the bright side. As you begin to do this, however it runs against both your will and your current depression, the Lord will reciprocate by revealing what it is you need to know: that is, whether or not T is the man for you. Draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you. I would even say, when He draws near to you, it may be tenfold the extent that you have drawn near to Him. He is not the author of confusion, but He needs you to make a move in His direction. After you do, the truth will be illuminated.
from musikoid :
Gosh, I feel really bad; because the Spirit has been nudging me to read your entries for over a week now. The difficulty of getting my browser to save your password, combined with the difficulty I have finding stuff in email searches with my email application (and combined with my spaced out, scattered nature) has caused me to miss about four entries in a row. And now I see that you are hurting. I'll go into prayer for you now, as a younger sister of mine in Christ. I don't have any insights at all to this -- except that I see you are hurting, and you need prayer. I'll do that now.
from silver4 :
I think maybe you need to just take some time for yourself, maybe a mini vacation if you can get away with it. It seems like your relationship with T has been good, you just have a few issues to work trough. I'd say don't give up on him yet. You need a chance to recenter yourself and figure out what you want. I know you are a strong person, you will pull through this soon enough
from tobehis :
I'm glad you're going to get help. Is it a Christian counselor? I will pray for you as I think of you. Your prayers for me would also be appreciated, if you think of it (details in my last few entries). It sounds like you and T are great together. I'm glad you're starting the Bible study back up. I'm sure you know what the Bible says about sex before marriage. But...God will forgive. Just ask! The Bible says He forgives and then He FORGETS...which is inconceivable to us, because we can't forget. But it says that they're thrown to the bottom of the ocean, and He remembers them no more. They're GONE. So turn yourself in the right direction, ask for His forgiveness, and move on. We all make mistakes. He loves us just the same.
from jondavid2010 :
Praying for you.
from glorycloud :
yes the user name and code word worked-you are in our prayers
from musikoid :
I hope you get married. :)
from musikoid :
I don't know that much about your situation with T, but it seems that instead of looking at it like God being displeased because of the sex, maybe look at it like, if you *do* get married, the sex will be all right. Is there a chance of that, you think? I hope this wasn't a naive question. I only remember that me and Jan only had sex three times before marriage, and each time afterward, we were horribly convicted, and whenever anything bad happened, we pinned it to the sex. But after we got married, there was no problem. Just a thought.
from silver4 :
My heart is with you <3
from musikoid :
About the very last part, I saw what JonDavid wrote below about the Scripture taken out of context. This is also something to consider. I don't know who came up with the saying, but what kind of person trifles with Scripture? That Word means that we love Him - GOD -- because He first loved us. It means that we are capable of love because we have received it from its Creator -- our Creator. It has nothing to do with male-female romantic love. To say that a woman loves a man because the man first loved her -- is to discount what Jesus Himself said. "If you love only who love you, what thank have ye?" Really -- it's easy to love someone back, once they love you. But in male-female, relational love, it's a two way street and takes a lot more work than that. You're not going to fall for the first guy who asserts himself enough to get you to realize that he loves you, are you? He might be a jerk. So - consider all these things, in assessing the value of that quote. (My two or three cents.)
from musikoid :
Not to be immediately contentious, but that quote is so *totally untrue* I can't believe somebody is trying to get a woman to believe that, about guys. Lots of guys are way shy with women, and it doesn't mean they're not interested -- it's the exact opposite. I can't count the number of times I've let opportunities pass me by because I was too timid, and then the woman assumed I wasn't interested, when all I was, was scared. Whoever wrote that doesn't know a whole lot about human nature. Sorry...
from jondavid2010 :
I disagree. Please also notice that the writer uses at least three verses of scripture, but none of them according to their actual meaning. It makes it sound more wise than it is. There may be some truth in it, applicable to some specific circumstances, but as a general rule, I completely disagree. The out-of-context misused scripture is making me feel more passionate about this than I normally would. Don't let it manipulate you.
from musikoid :
The last user/pass I received for you isn't working...
from silver4 :
Nice!! Did T give it to you?
from jondavid2010 :
Merry Christmas, Amber. Jesus Christ be with you.
from glorycloud :
Happy Birthday! I was 31 year old a long time ago-life is zooming by!
from musikoid :
I just now caught up with your last five or six entries. Your home scene sounds lousy but I have a feeling things will get better for you once your brother comes home. I'll pray for your sister -- it sounds like she doesn't know what she's doing.
from silver4 :
Happy birthday and happy holidays :)
from glorycloud :
I noticed for a third time you changed your user name and password-send me your new user name and pass word- [email protected]
from jondavid2010 :
Blessings on your Birthday
from silver4 :
How fun! I mean...I hope it was a fun one!! maybe one day when we are in eachother's towns :) also, did you change pw again??
from jondavid2010 :
Encouragement on a blue Christmas - http://jondavid2010.diaryland.com/121217_4.html
from minstrelite :
I just now saw your note here, probably from a long time ago. I don't get over here much, but lately I have been depressed, and I find it helpful to slowly remind myself of the positive things and the blessings. About the person stalking you, I wonder if maybe you aren't choosing a user-pass that is cryptic enough. If you use words in your password such as 'amber' or 'diary' -- with numbers that are somehow expected, they might be taking the time to piece together your info. Or, they might be skilled at hacking, or know someone who is. I think this is more likely than that one of your friends is continually betraying you and giving away the password. I may be wrong. But you could change it once again, and make it something they really would have no clue about. Just a thought.
from tobehis :
Wow, we've known each other a year... I started reading right around your 30th bday. How are things going with T?
from tobehis :
I would never give out a user/pass without getting the writer's permission first.
from tobehis :
Reading notes about a password change... You can leave the new one in my guestbook. There's an option where you can make the message private, only I will be able to see it. Hope you're doing well!
from musikoid :
I didn't give out your password, and it's safe with me. But I do understand the issue. There are people whom I don't wish to read my diary, because they get off on playing stupid games with my personal information. I might have to change my user/pass again because I left it in a Note with someone whose email address I had wrong; then requested he delete the Note; but he never did; and it's been too long now. Hits on my private diary are too many for the number of readers I have, which I believe is only 8. Those 8 people can't possibly be going to my pages 64 times. So yeah, discretion is fully understood and accepted.
from silver4 :
Don't worry, PW is safe with me! And friends are a hit and miss sometimes. The ones who treat you like that aren't worth holding on to.
from jondavid2010 :
the password I had for you is no longer working. Can you email me your new login to [email protected]?
from silver4 :
Have you told him that you don't like his behavior when he's been drinking and that it is negatively affecting your relationship? Maybe if he is aware of how he acts, it will encourage him to change. I know that I was over drinking and it affected me, so I cut back and I feel like a better person. Do you guys get to really talk about your relationship and where it is headed?
from jondavid :
Faeria has begun writing again. oct0ber.diaryland.com
from tobehis :
Yay for getting to see your brother! Hope you have a good visit!
from glorycloud :
my e-mail [email protected]
from musikoid :
I'm sorry about your sister.
from musikoid :
I see that. It's like my daughter, which is why it struck me actually. She hasn't responded to any message on any medium for months now. I've been wanting to think that it isn't intentional, but I guess it pretty obviously is. I've stopped messaging her.
from glorycloud :
thanks for the note-I see you locked your diary-peace
from musikoid :
Not to minimize the rudeness of your friend, but I wonder how much of this has to do with Facebook messaging, the whole phenomenon. People frequently don't respond to my messages, even if it's worded like yours (in such a way that one would have to have been either cruel or clueless not to realize it warranted a response.) Same with emails and so forth.
from tobehis :
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7) - And if you need medical help, don't be ashamed. Sometimes we all need a little extra help with our bodies.
from jondavid :
Glad to hear you are doing better. Still praying for you.
from jondavid :
Still thinking of you. Go ahead and email if you want someone to listen. Also, I wanted you to know about new stories of my romantic journey with Faeria. Hey sunnyrain. Starting today, in addition to updating jondavid2010 daily with new writing, I will also be updating this old journal of mine (notice no 2010) with writings that fill in the gaps between 2004 and 2010. These are the first years of my life with Faeria, who I met on Diaryland, before our twins were born. This will probably be a daily project for a few months, because I've found a lot of old writing. If you want a summary of that period, read the jondavid2010 entry for October 18, 2012. Thanks for reading - Jondavid Birss
from jondavid2010 :
i'll watch for it.
from jondavid2010 :
If you want to talk, email me and I'll call tomorrow. I'll just listen, if you want. I have to add that this would only be with Faeria's consent, since I don't know you well, and follow you here. But if she's okay, I'll call and listen, and if she is okay with it she'll likely join us. We'll both listen.
from illusionless :
Thank you. :)
from tobehis :
Thanks. :-)
from silver4 :
Sending you my love.. I hope you find what you are searching for. Why do you feel like your feelings for T have changed? It has seemed lately that you've still been on track with high interest in him. Maybe your personal struggles are causing you to doubt your relationship. I don't know the details and inner workings of your relationship, but if he is a good guy, a good support to you, and treats you well, you should let him know at least how you've felt recently (that you thought you loved him), and then maybe you guys can discuss the direction of your relationship and find out how he really feels about you. I bet you are both feeling the same way, but maybe just have difficulty vocalizing your emotions. Also, and believe me I am not being judgy on this at all because I have no negative opinion towards it, maybe you should try to stay away from the pot. It seems like a solution for escape or to help you hide away, and it could be more detrimental to your emotional mindset than you think it is. Again, I am not judgy on smoking at all. I just want you to have everything you want in life, and I'm waiting for you to write that 1) you two have expressed how you feel to one another, 2) your financial situation has improved, 3) he proposed. ;) I can wait for #3...but I just want you to find your peace and be happy
from jondavid2010 :
I encourage you to tell him. It seems like he really loves you. He'd want to know what you are struggling with so he can help you. You are worth it, FG.
from jondavid2010 :
Sorry to hear of your recent struggles. Is T a good support?
from tobehis :
Feel better soon! I find that when "playing" with kids, just follow the child's lead. Usually they'll tell you exactly what they want you to do and how to act!
from jondavid2010 :
Faeria is from Lascassass, TN, near Murfreesboro, near Nashville. I'm sorry you feel sick.
from tobehis :
You're welcome, and thank you.
from jondavid2010 :
I'm 33. Faeria is 30 next year. Grace and Elijah aren't even close to thirty yet. So it was age, then, eh? Your "yall" reminded me to ask - Did you know Faeria is from the South? On my first visit, we took a road trip to Atlanta, through North and South Carolina.
from tobehis :
Maybe you need that extra commitment to the church - maybe that will help you feel like it's "for you." Won't hurt to try. And I hope you can have a good time with your cousin...sounds like it will be good for you two to get back together and catch up.
from jondavid2010 :
We're either younger than you expected, or Faeria is way more beautiful. Foxy lady, that one.
from jondavid2010 :
I'm dying to know. You've seen pictures of my kids and beautiful Faeria and read my public writing. Any thoughts? I'm a little proud of my family...
from silver4 :
Have you tried eBay for selling things? I haven't done it, so I don't know what the rates are for monthly etc, but it's another option. I really hope it gets better for you soon. Are you looking into different jobs at all? The phone thing sucks too...maybe increase your plan? Just throwing thoughts out there, I'm no better at those things then you are I'm sure. :/
from tobehis :
Too bad money makes the world go 'round...cuz we hardly see enough of it, huh? :-P
from jondavid2010 :
Just caught up starting back at 2012-04-20 or so. Upon reading 04-24, I looked back at the year before. I remembered it. FG, you are loved, valued, forgiven. You are worthy of love and forgiveness and healing and wholeness because of what Jesus has done, not anything you have done. You need never give up on yourself, because his strength holds you fast, not your own. And I'll keep reading from time to time, as much as I always have (not as much as always, but enough). You haven't lost me as a reader. I look forward to introducing you to my family on the other side.
from jondavid2010 :
I sent an email to [email protected]
from jondavid2010 :
Never saw the Sapranos. Not one episode. I like Breaking Bad. Maybe I'll work my way through the Sopranos when that series is over.
from glorycloud :
our last dog before Rudy was 13 years old when we put him to sleep-we hope Rudy lives longer-but we will not let him suffer if he only lives another couple of years
from jondavid2010 :
Well I have seen it now. It's probably my favourite of Scorsese's after Taxi Driver. My dad loved mob films . . .
from tobehis :
Been praying for you as I think of you during the week. Hope you had a good week and that this coming week will go well for you, also. Would be interested in hearing an update on you and T, if you have come to any decisions and don't mind sharing.
from tobehis :
Thank you! I went ahead and said I was interested in the position. The hiring process takes about 2 weeks. I'm praying (and so is my cousin) that if it's not where I'm supposed to be, God will make that very clear and slam the door shut before the hiring process is completed. Praying for you, also!
from tobehis :
We all go through periods of uncertainty. I'm deep in uncertainty now over my job situation - I'm looking for something new and I have no clue where I'm supposed to be. In talking about all of it to my cousin, she said something like, "Don't work out of fear. Work out of faith." Easier said than done...it's good advice, I just wish I knew how to carry it out!
from tobehis :
Wow, that's crazy about why you had to lock up...and maybe a little freaky! Have you ever thought that you might need to make up your mind about T soon? He might not wait forever... (Another scary thought!)
from silver4 :
Stop it, you are not a loser. You are just getting your life together. I know plenty of people who still live at home. It's better to try and save your money as best you can right now, as long as the situation works out for you still (meaning they don't drive you crazy...my dad, although I love him, was waaaay too much in my business and crazy security nonsense). Hang in there, you are doing what you have to do, and you'll be out soon enough.. I'm about to email you though to get that pw.. Dont lock me out pls !! :)
from jondavid2010 :
Hey, I'm back (unlocked).
from tobehis :
Wow, I guess T really does need to hear it... And that's sad about your brother. I know it will never be the same, but you can still keep in touch, right?
from glorycloud :
thank you for the Happy Birthday-hope all is well
from stepfordtart :
Hi! I just spent some time wandering about in your archives so I thought I'd better let you know, seeing as you have some stalker issues and all. Dont want you thinking youre being stalked from thousands of miles away! s x
from tobehis :
Wow, sounds like you have had a crazy week, too (see my most recent update). Wish there was something I could say to help. Sometimes the words we can come up with seem so trite, like a cliche that we use just to fill up the space. All that to say, I don't know what to say without it sounding cliche. :-/
from silver4 :
I hate to hear that your situation is making you sad :( I hope it isn't hopeless and that you can make the change that you want to see. I have faith in you and will cross my fingers that things get better soon.
from tobehis :
So you've found a church to get involved in? (Or am I remembering incorrectly that you were searching for a church?)
from tobehis :
Hope you sleep well tonight. Hang in there, girl. the sun will come out tomorrow. :-)
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
Like I said, I randomly clink on links, but Facebook? I avoid it at all costs. More than likely it was my teenage daughter. She reads all the same blogs I do and is a Facebook junkie. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again. What's truly sad is that you're apparently siding with and helping someone that has done such unspeakable acts to my children. I can only pray that God will help you see the truth. Good luck to you and God bless.
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
Regardless of how I found your diary, I kept reading your diary for the same reason I've followed and read numerous other blogs over the past several years - I developed an interest. I am incredibly happy and content in my life right now and demons from my past have long, long ago been laid to rest. Visiting bookmarked blogs and clicking on the links therein while I'm waiting somewhere or can't sleep certainly doesn't constitute stalking, in my opinion. If I were crazy and wanted to stalk someone, I'm definitely computer savvy enough to cover my tracks!
from silver4 :
Wow yeah, I can totally believe that!!
from musikoid :
I got your note. I just sent the password to your G-Mail.
from silver4 :
That Ryan guy comes across very cocky, but props to him for his confidence and believing in hisself! I talk to one of my girlfriends about the show, and we both loved that Sean guy. If he were the next bachelor I would totally sign up! Except I never would ;)
from musikoid :
Not sure if I sent you the change of password.
from tobehis :
I understand funks...I get into them regularly, and it's no fun. :-/
from silver4 :
Aww what do you think is bringing on this funk? It sounds like things are going well with your relationship. I might've missed this, but did you ever tell T that you love him? I remember you were considering saying so. Sending you hugs to bring you up!
from glorycloud :
you locked me out of your blog-send me the password-peace Jonny
from anorexicmeg :
Thank you. I appreciate any help that I can get. :) He has gotten so much better. He was willing to have me put a password on the computer so he couldn't get on when I'm not around. That was a big step.
from anorexicmeg :
I'm glad u r doing well. Exploring is awesome. :)
from glorycloud :
I mainly collect novels from the 30's to the 60's-solid American history books-literary biographies-literary studies-poetry-peace
from glorycloud :
books-thanks for sending the e-mail pics of those books-nothing from what I saw I collect for my library-peace
from glorycloud :
the 1930's-60s-like to know the titles of these old books-send me an [email protected] Jonny
from tobehis :
I'll be eager to read how T's bday celebrations went - but I am leaving on vacation tomorrow (Sunday) and probably won't have internet. I'll be sure to catch up when I can, hopefully not long after I get home.
from tobehis :
I'm glad you're OK and that the only damage was a side mirror. I hate driving in dark rain. Scares me to death, even though both of my wrecks were on clear days.
from glorycloud :
my e-mail is [email protected]
from silver4 :
Whoa I'm glad you are okay and didn't get hurt! And regarding the love, I know sometimes we don't want to be the ones to say it first, but I bet it will be such a relief and weight off of your chest if you just tell him how you feel. Surely he will be happy to hear it from you. It sounds like you are in a mature, growing relationship, and that this is definitely the next step!!
from tobehis :
Why exactly do you want him to say it first?
from tobehis :
I'm not sure why he would feel intimidated...but I did joke with my uncle that maybe he had checked out my FB and decided he didn't want anything to do with me. :-P That's when my uncle shared some of his background with me.
from tobehis :
Keep "nagging" the drs if they don't get back to you.
from fragilegirl8 :
Will do Musikoid. I added you to my list.
from tobehis :
I'm sure it felt like a ghost-town today. What do you do? I'm glad the massage helped a little. Try looking for stretches to do to relieve the tension. Hope the rest of your week is good!
from musikoid :
I hate holidays. Please read my diary and pray for me. I'm at the end of my rope.
from silver4 :
Very sad about your sister... I hope you can get out of that house soon and get out on your own; it feels so much better and you have less stress since you won't feel guilted into worrying about everyone else's drama and issues. Enjoy your massage, it is much deserved! Hopefully the weekend revives you and your spirit! <3
from tobehis :
I really enjoyed the Jane Eyre movie...it kind of made me want to read the book again. I wanted to watch the movie a second time, but not enough to pay for another night. So I took it back to Redbox today.
from tobehis :
That's actually kind of funny about the mailbox. Well, I'm sure it wouldn't be if it were MY mailbox...but maybe one day you can laugh about it. Stay true to your convictions, girl. God will honor your decision not to move in with anyone before marriage.
from tobehis :
Yay for new friends. :-)
from silver4 :
You are a good person, don't let your past actions influence your opinion of who you are! Things like that happen to people so often, at least you are caring enough of a person to understand your actions and you don't go around doing that all the time. I know people who have had multiples with minimal regret. You have tons of support from me :)
from minstrelite :
I'm praying for you, and I don't think ill of you at all.
from incshrnkmn :
Do not blame yourself.
from illusionless :
I don't think any differently of you at all. You are very strong to admit this. I will always respect you. I firmly believe that God loves you and you ARE deserving of happiness and love no matter what we have done or haven't done in our lives everyone is deserving of love.
from tobehis :
I know it was hard for you to make that confession... But ya know what? God still loves you. He loves you more than you can ever imagine. You asked for His forgiveness and ya know what? He forgave you and forgot about it. (It would be nice if we could forget, too, huh?) We all make mistakes. But rest assured that when Jesus died on the cross for you, it covered that mistake. And I, for one, don't think bad of you. Sure, you made a couple of bad choices...but from reading this post, you've repented and are doing your best to "go and sin no more." His mercies are new every morning. Rest in Him.
from glorycloud :
-we fail all the time but we keep seeking to love the Lord and pray for grace to live a holy life out of love for the Lord Jesus-peace Jonny
from glorycloud :
- when reading your recent entry this verse came to my mind "in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins" Colossians 1:14-the blood of Jesus covers ALL our sins-we have been forgiven and now we live in gratitude for the great love shown to us in the Cross of Christ-when I was in High School my girlfriend got pregnant and had an abortion-I have broken all of the 10 commandments-the Lord has forgive us of our sins-we can not never earn our salvation-the forgiveness of sins-we are loved freely-free grace-now we respond in love and obedience-we fail all the time but we keep seeking to love the Lord and pray for grace to live a holy life out of love for the
from illusionless :
I hope you start feeling better soon. I am in the same boat right now.
from tobehis :
I know the feeling of just having no energy...Hope you start feeling more awake soon!
from illusionless :
The username is recovery and the password is forever. sorry about that. I always forget who has access to my diary and who doesn't.
from anorexicmeg :
Thanks I appreciate it.
from illusionless :
I completely understand about the teeth and smile issue. I don't like my smile either because my jaw and teeth didn't grow properly since I was young. Braces aren't even an option for me. The only solution would be for a surgeon to break my jaw and realign it. Sorry if this is too graphic. Anyway OHIP won't cover the surgery because it's considered cosmetic unless I'm in a lot of pain, which I'm not. It's tough when there are things we don't like about ourselves but the important thing is to focus on the things we do like about ourselves. We all have imperfections.
from tobehis :
It did kind of sound like he has been thinking in that direction, since he wanted you to try on his grandma's ring.
from tobehis :
Would you say yes if he gave you an engagement ring?
from tobehis :
You can still go to church even though T can't...It's important to meet with believers each week.
from tobehis :
Thanks for sharing the article. I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I believe in some of the myths discussed. Maybe I do to some degree, but not as "dramatically" as the author discussed in the article. I guess I kind of gave the impression that I did. Jeremiah 29:11 states that God has a perfect plan for my life. Elsewhere, it states that God knew the number of my days before I was even born. He knows what's going to happen in my life. If it's His will that I marry (Paul discusses that some people are not meant to marry, while others are), He knows the identify of the man I will marry. He knows what that man is doing, where he is in his life, when we will meet...you get the point. I guess the other one that I may have inadvertantly exhibited belief in is that God will reveal that man to me the moment I meet him. If I can be blunt, that's just stupid. God's not gonna hit me with a lightning bolt and say, "There he is! That's the one!" the moment I lay eyes on him. That's what dating is for...to get to know the guy and see if there's anything between the two of you, to see if he's the one God's leading me to share the rest of my life with. ~ Hopefully that made sense. I'm not always the best at articulating what I'm feeling/thinking. Thanks again for sharing the article. It was very interesting to read and gave me a thing or two to think about.
from tobehis :
I like cats MUCH better than I like dogs.
from realthoughts :
congrats on 10 years!!!
from tobehis :
No, I'm not a cat person. I'm not an animal person in general, really. She's really my brother's cat (but he still lives at home, like I do, so technically she's the family cat). I guess I have my good days and my bad days with her...Some days she's so sweet and cute and it's not so bad having her around. Other days she drives me crazy. :-P If you read the entry I linked, it tells how we got her.
from tobehis :
Have you considered confronting this ex?
from tobehis :
Thanks for the note. I haven't joined any dating sites... With the internet (even with "Christian" sites), you never have any guarantee of who you are talking to. There are tons of creeps out there, and dating sites are the perfect places for those creeps to lurk. Not that I'm saying everyone out there is a creep waiting to prey on some innocent chick, but it happens. And even if the guy ISN'T a creep...My cousin met her husband on a Christian dating site, and he seemed really great, but turns out he's an alcoholic and has been in and out of prison for duis and breaking parole, and he's cleaned her bank account out - even before their marriage. Granted, once she found those things out, she could have dumped him, but she "loves him" and was convinced there's nothing wrong with him. So you never know what you're getting online. Although...it's becoming a little tempting. :-P
from tobehis :
That Passages exhibit looks REALLY cool. Makes me wish I could go to Atlanta!
from tobehis :
What on earth is Minus the Bear??
from silver4 :
Tool is going to Charlotte next month! That's where you are, right? I could be completely wrong...if so, whoops! But I saw that and thought about you. I went to the concert last night and am trying to see when I could make it to another one haha :)
from tobehis :
Amber...that's a pretty name. ~ For some reason, Dland isn't notifying me when you update. I'll have to check my buddy list and make sure it's in there right. It says you haven't updated in 3 months! Anyway, your entry on Love reminded me of a song: http://youtu.be/-ZHR8axPqO8 (OK, so the pictures during the instrumental parts are a little weird, but it's a great song. LOL.)
from tobehis :
Sweet! I like to put the writer's name next to their diary name in my profile. Do you mind if I do that for you? (Even if you say no...what is your name?)
from tobehis :
Read a few more of your entries today, and liked what I saw. I applaud you for not wanting to live with a bf before marriage. Seems like living together is "the norm" now, and it's refreshing to see someone who wants to follow God's will for her life. Mind if I add you to my buddy list?
from tobehis :
Hi...Saw your note on glorycloud's page and thought I'd drop by and see his answer, then I wanted to read your diary. I only read the latest entry, and since it's late, that's all I will read, but I'm hoping to drop by again later and read more. Feel free to drop by my page any time! -Amy, Jan. 6th.
from glorycloud :
"How did you know your wife was the one for you? I noticed you married not too long after meeting." good question. Before I met Carol I had many girlfriends and also a couple long relationships. I knew the kind of woman I wanted to marry. I never dated a woman based on her physical appearance, but her character-personality. I stop dating women my own age in my early 20's-I dated woman who professed to be Christians after the Lord saved me. I wanted to marry a Christian. When I was in Bible College I was looking for a Christian wife or I thought I might meet a woman I might marry-when I met Carol I immediately knew she was a solid Christian woman. I knew she would love me with the love of Christ. I knew she would love me even if I was to fail in loving her. She would not forsake me. I do not believe in divorce and knew Carol also did not believe the marriage covenant should be broken. I knew Carol and I would grow old together and be in heaven together forever. In the end God by His Spirit convicted me-commanded me to marry Carol. So we got married soon after we met. Carol has been a rich blessing in my life-a wonderful wife and mother-she is a very godly woman. peace Jonny
from glorycloud :
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!
from silver4 :
Happy birthday!! You look so gorgeous and that dress is beautiful! I'm happy you had a private room, that ex seems like a jealous nutcase. Hope you enjoy 30, I plan on doing so too!
from incshrnkmn :
I'm just a lurker, but I have been reading your blog for a while now. Happy birthday. And that's a splendid pic of you and T. You look great.
from silver4 :
Ugh doesn't it blow?? Feel better :(
from jondavid2010 :
Hey you. I locked my journal. If you would like to read it (and I'd love it if you did), please email me at [email protected] with fragilegirl8 in the subject somewhere. I'll respond with your username and password.
from illusionless :
Thanks. You are right. Diaryland is a safe place. What I like about Dland the most is that it's a small supportive community that's very warm and accepting. I find Blogger and LJ and all the bigger diary/journal sites lack that aspect.
from foreveragain :
oh! i got a postcard a long time ago!!!! i forgot to tell you! thanks!!!! and i just posted a song. go listen! now! hope yr well. xxo
from illusionless :
Yes, RED=Greatness!! Congrats on you and T! You two make a good couple judging from your picture and what you've been talking about. I'm so happy for you.
from silver4 :
Awww you guys are cute, you're so adorable!! I'm jealous <3
from silver4 :
I'm happy that things are going well for you and T! And yay on the iPhone :) that's my main source of Internet now.. Good luck not getting addicted!!
from fatcatluv :
Thanks girl! Sending love and hugs!
from foreveragain :
hey there ma'am! things are alright over here, thanks for asking. yeah, i deleted the fb. silly little site anyways. re: lissie, she can sing AND play an instrument, that's winning right there for me! add to that the kid cudi cover and her having a bottle of tequila right there on stage, and it's love! thanks for sharing! hope yr good. xx
from silver4 :
Sigh, are we just hopeless romantics? How hard is it to find someone who isn't an idiot or full of drama?? Ugh!
from kabukicharms :
Oh' I'm aware southerners aren't all like that. I mean I'm Texan. And really that sort of thing doesn't bother me. Though by far that wasn't my biggest concern when I was in TN, some where near Loretto we actually saw a flaming cross up on a hill. That was a little bit more bothersome. And I'm sorry things are falling apart with Tres, he seemed like he was a good guy. But sometimes things are just said you can't come back from.
from illusionless :
Ah the frustrations of dating anxiety and drama. Am I right?
from silver4 :
Yep, let's go! I need to make sure he's good enough for you!!
from silver4 :
Omg. Adorable. And great voice, and that smile! Tres is trippin; if RC comes back around PUH-LEASE work that one!! <3
from illusionless :
You can still be a devout Christian girl if you want to be. People stray from the path all the time. that's what makes us human, but as long as God is in your heart and you love him then I think you're ok.
from anorexicmeg :
I'll be fine but thank you. I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself. Good luck with the move. It'll all work out. You're a very good person.
from silver4 :
So I had to look it up to see who this RC guy was (I never watch those shows), and ummm he's adorable! Do you think you'll talk to him again? I hope so!!
from minstrelite :
i hope you're ok
from minstrelite :
If he really likes you, he might feel has to loosen up with alcohol in order to be around you without becoming too nervous. Anyway, you are doing better than me. If I could pull myself together, I would, but I don't think I can. I work out a lot, too. I just ran a bunch of miles, haven't eaten, and am going to get some beer because I can't stand the feelings of self-loathing that are going through my head. I just want to get out of my head. I'll probably get really drunk on an empty stomach after a workout, but there isn't anyone to stop me. There isn't anyone, period. I wish I could be a better Christian. But I can't. I wish I could be a better *person.* But I can't.
from minstrelite :
I think weed is controversial, because although this recent stuff did nothing but kick my ass; some of the medical or even other weed does have an anti-depressant or mood-stabilzing effect. When I was in treatment (I'm bipolar), one of the counselors suggested I get a card, because it would probably treat my type of mania better than the meds they have me on. I smoked weed every day practically in 2010, and until the fatal argument with the boss, I managed to keep a steady job throughout the year, steady place to live, and for me those things are huge. If I was "manic" the weed calmed me down, and if I was "depressed" it put me in good spirits. But there's something wrong with it, spiritually. As a musician, whenever I've smoked weed with a bunch of other cats and gotten into jamming it's been great. As a Christian musician, whenever I've smoked weed and even *tried* to get behind the worshipful music, the Spirit convicted me so hard I wanted to run out of the church. My dynamic is something like yours. It's easier to get to church when my landlord is around and wants to go, because then I get a ride. Without a ride, I'm on my own, and a lot of the time my nervousness about the situation is so high I just don't go. Learning to say YES to all the yes's and NO to all the no's is one of the hardest things on Earth. My brother does it well, but not me.
from illusionless :
Thanks for the :)
from silver4 :
well... that's a bit of a distraction! ;)
from silver4 :
Of course! Come on down, it'll be our bachelorette pad!! I can't wait to decorate :)
from minstrelite :
I was just writing about something kind of like that. I've also said to friends I've made from DiaryLand that in a way, they know me better than my "real-life" friends do. You keep secrets from your friends so as not to create a bad scene, but you don't keep secrets from your diary. By the way, I had changed my user-pass when my head was in the process of getting into a really weird space. Let me know if you want the new one. I wasn't sure if you were reading me or not.
from silver4 :
i know how you feel about the dlanders knowing all your secrets and then actually meeting! i don't even tell my closest friends a lot of the things i say in here, but i would def be curious to meet a few of you guys hahah
from minstrelite :
Dads are like that. :)
from minstrelite :
My daughter often would call me up to ask advice on how to deal with a boyfriend, and I would always find that I understood what was going on in the guy's head when she didn't, simply because I *am* a guy. But that doesn't mean you should be with Matt - it just means that your Dad probably understands him well enough to like him (at least from what you've said - I don't know if he's actually met him) and so he wants you to give Matt another chance. Your Dad loves you, so if he thinks Matt is decent guy, he will want a decent guy to be with the daughter he loves, and vice-versa. That doesn't mean he's right. I hope that makes sense? (Incidentally, my daughter never calls me to ask for that kind of advice anymore, because she found a guy that she's so incredibly madly in love with that she doesn't need to. Hopefully this will also happen to you. Good luck.)
from glorycloud :
Beck is an interesting artist-I like all his music-peace
from minstrelite :
That's a really good quote from "The Shack." Kind of reminds me of cognitive behavioral therapy, but with the truth added to it.
from glorycloud :
thanks for the note and pray all is well-the Lord is good-peace
from silver4 :
i agree with illusionless about your matt situation. you can't force yourself to have feelings for someone, just like we can't (unfortunately) force others to have feelings for us. it's tough to go through and deal with, but i suppose that's life. and as an aside, that guy mark donnelly you linked to definitely has some mystery in those eyes. i like it! :)
from illusionless :
It's ok that you don't have feelings for Matt, he just doesn't give you that feeling that's all. I know how you feel. Someone seems perfect for you, but you don't feel love for them no matter what. It's frustrating, but that just means it wasn't meant to be. You have made a friend and a connection. Maybe you'll meet people through Matt and find someone that way. I notice love comes when you aren't looking for it. If it makes you feel any better I went through the same thing. Why can't I love this person who is great and loves me? I have people in my life who want to be with me and have stated as such, but I just don't have feelings for them. Then there is the other side of the coin Why can't that person love me the way I love them? Life is complicated. Just remember to be happy with yourself and what you have and love will evenutally come your way. Forget about society's expectations and live life at your pace. Throw away the shouldas and couldas.
from silver4 :
thanks :) we are going to ROCK 29!!
from minstrelite :
Frankly, I am glad to hear you are done with the SSRI's. You might consider Wellbutrin (bupropion.) I take it every morning. It's effectual for depression, and it *definitely* will not deprive you of your true feelings.
from foreveragain :
no rush, no worries!
from foreveragain :
i believe it is definitely for the best. xxo
from foreveragain :
please don't ever compare yr life, or real life for that matter, with anything that is on television. the bachelor is such a crock. but you know that. real love, true love, doesn't magically appear like that. that stuff you see on the television and in the movies is manufactured. real love, true love, is hard work, and it takes time. there is NOTHING wrong with you. ok? no thing. i'm a little older than you, and i'm still wandering around wondering what the hell is going on, where is my true love? it will come. it will, we just have to take care of ourselves and make sure we're ready for it when it comes and make sure we're in a position to reciprocate it once it doees infiltrate our lives! xxo
from minstrelite :
They might still accept you and it is worth a try. I spent my 20's in a decade (the 70's) in which drug use was not only rampant but pretty much accepted. If we did drugs, it didn't mean we were bad people. We still came to people's aid when they needed us, and vice-versa. That was before the "War on Drugs." I don't know if you've been reading me, but I was able to stop in the 80's after going to substance abuse counseling, and I was clean for 18 years. Then, I am ashamed to admit I started back up again. But now I'm clean again and it's better. My point was going to be that it might not be as stigmatic as you think, so many people have done drugs. The most important thing is that you don't do them anymore.
from glorycloud :
my wife is a mystery-life is short-thanks for the note-hope all is well-peace
from silver4 :
sigh... reading your entries sounds like they could be my own sometimes--except you actually have a guy in your life. but i am definitely with you on being 29 (almost!) and not wanting to make any more dating mistakes. i'm ready for things to make sense and be simple, you know? wishing you the best and hoping the sparks start flying with matt :)
from minstrelite :
I'm glad.
from minstrelite :
I kinda thought that, but just wanted to make sure you'd received the password. It's all good. :)
from minstrelite :
Did you get my password? I don't see my note but maybe you just deleted it. Anyway, I think those kinds of medications need to be taken regularly, and even at the same time each day, to work best. However, I don't know if missing one day would make all that much of a difference. The scene you described with your step-dad is pretty heavy. I have to take medications in the morning and evening, for a different condition, but a lot of the time my mood shifts are triggered more by circumstance than anything else.
from minstrelite :
Maybe pray, and you probably do need to get out of there, but not until God lets you know where to go. I'm over here again and you can read me if you want to -- my entries tend to be really long though, and I am working through many difficulties. But if you want the password, let me know and I'll give it to you. The more of my readers are Christians, the more prayer I will get. And vice-versa: my prayers are with you.
from foreveragain :
don't rush it, darling. it will happen. when you least expect it, on some idle tuesday or something, you know? all the best in the new year. xo
from realthoughts :
Merry Christmas to you too!
from musikoid :
I sent the user/pass to your email. I sent it from my regular email address that uses my real name, but please don't tell it to anybody. My readers know who I am, but I try for it to go no further than that. Merry Christmas to you too - and thanks for reading!
from musikoid :
Hi - I just want to say this, as an older person, and you can take it or leave it. I have read similar Christian literature, and I've even read that all being "sensitive" is, is self-centeredness. I disagree. I think people who feel more are often more compassionate than those who don't. Can you imagine what it would be like if you had no feelings? You wouldn't even feel guilty if you did something wrong. When Christians say you're not supposed to make decisions based on feelings, I don't think it is being considered that God made us all to be unique and special children with combinations of all kinds of feelings as well as strengths and weaknesses of reason and intellect, and that all these things will come into play any time we are called upon to make an important decision. I think it helps to talk to other people and seek wisdom we may lack, and also to try and find it in the Word. But when it comes down to it, what we want to do is the will of God. And His will for us is always good. He loves us, and that love involves feeling. In fact, He loves us with a passion. He loves us so much that He sent His only son to die for us, and I for one am often overwhelmed with feeling when I stop to ponder that fact. I was overwhelmed with feeling when I accepted Christ, and it fact it was so overwhelming that I could not help but rush to the altar of God. So, to wrap this up, I think that when Christians say not to make decisions based on feelings, they are basically imparting that "feelings aren't facts" and that we must consider the facts. But what I believe, for whatever it's worth, is that God does not have something in store for you that you aren't going to be able to put your whole heart in you. And your whole heart involves your feelings, as well as your faith.
from dinahsoar :
Hi! Just fell into your diary and hung out for awhile. I don't think being a Christian means no feelings. After all, Jesus wept. Jesus seemed to especially like the emotional ones, too! Like Mary Magdalene & the woman who dried his feet with her tears. Emotions are God-given. A loveless marriage is not what would glorify God. I'm sure you've read Song of Solomon ... hardly passionless! Your emotions make you you! I think we are not to act on emotions that call us to violate who we really are as a child of God. Those emotions ultimately hurt us anyway. When it comes to decisions, my favorite question is ... what do you already know that will take you six months to find out?
from realthoughts :
I'm always hesitant to give my experiences or advice, so you can totally disregard this if you want to - but as someone who is married to someone that she wasn't initially attracted to: I say it's better to go for the man who is good for you rather than the man who you may have feelings for but is wrong for you. Feelings and attraction fade after a couple years of being with someone and you have to have more that carries a relationship along. I was not initially attracted to K, in fact, while I didn't think he was ugly, I didn't think he was even cute. I thought he was a cool person though and we ended up growing close. This probably sounds strange, but I think I realized that I loved K (as in cared for him deeply), before I ever "fell-in-love" (the giddy, happy, passionate, love feeling) with him. When we first got engaged, I thought about it some, whether or not I was "settling" because here I had found a great man, yet I knew that I had no way of ever knowing if someone better would come along. K was great, but I'd never had that "love at first sight" moment, and didn't know if I was supposed to. But you know what? Five years later, K and I have a great marriage - because we're both committed to marriage and making it work. I love him so much more than I ever did when we were first dating or engaged or even first married. In the past five years, I have met other guys that I've found interesting and attractive, but I fully respect would never hurt our marriage. I guess what I'm saying is that I personally think that it's better to find someone who will be a good partner and make you happy in the long term than someone who at the moment you have the stronger passions for, but you know won't last long term with.
from realthoughts :
happy birthday!
from silver4 :
happy birthday!
from jondavid2010 :
Hey Happy Birthday. I'm reading again. I missed your posts. I'm glad you and Matt are still together. I hope he is wonderful And Merry Christmas, too. I also love this season.
from foreveragain :
ps- consider my latest post a happy birthday slow dance dedicated to you. xx
from foreveragain :
happy birthday, beautiful. try not to stress about what to do and what not to do, and just have fun doing whatever happens, being you. xxo
from kabukicharms :
I love mounted insects! I have quite a few moths and walking sticks I got when the old community college was shutting down.
from glorycloud :
thanks for the note-living in Holland is ok-but I do not like West Michigan winters! hope all is well with you-keep writing-peace
from foreveragain :
it's true, it does. holy eff does it sting when it doesn't go the way you had hoped though. :s (thanks)
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
If the news you found out has to do with that mutual person we know, please don't feel like you can't talk about it on my account. You can block me; I'd understand. If it has nothing to do with that, then please forgive me for my inflated sense of self! :)
from foreveragain :
also, if you have nothing better to do, i make photographs: idividedbyi.diaryland.com
from foreveragain :
nothing yet. :s i sometimes think i live in a strange void where it takes most things longer than normal to transpire. soon. [ihope]
from foreveragain :
....and you have excellent taste in musics. :)
from omfggwtf :
i just stumbled on here and i'm going to add? i like this :) and nice boots you ordered by the way ;) xo
from silver4 :
omg that's so crazy! 1) i am in love with tool and 2) i was thinking about sharing a link that my friend posted to me of something of maynard j.k. awesomeeee :)
from kabukicharms :
Those are so rad! If they came in mens I would totally rock em like every day! Just not that tall, I have man calves.
from musikoid :
Just wanted to let you know your quote from C.S. Lewis the other day had a really positive effect on me. I didn't love God very much that day, but acting as if I did eventually put me in a better frame of mind. Thank you.
from illusionless :
Don't feel bad about what you did. Forgive yourself and move on, just like Jesus would. We all make mistakes. I smoked weed not that long ago even though I knew I didn't like it, just to confirm to myself that I still hated it and I did. Just move forward and be happy with who you are. You deserve it. Peace and God bless.
from glorycloud :
Try Again- I wonder why we/Christians should feel guilty feeling high? Why is smoking weed acting evil? Maybe we feel bad smoking weed because smoking weed is illegal? Maybe if smoking weed was like having a couple glasses of good wine we would not feel guilty? Why do not feel bad when we feel happy inside? Why is feeling happy high a bad thing? Weird-peace
from glorycloud :
I wonder why we should feel guilty feeling high? Why is smoking weed evil? Maybe because smoking weed is illegal? Maybe it smoking week was like having a couple glasses of good wine we would not feel guilty? We do not feel bad when we feel happy? Why is feeling happy high evil? Weird-peace
from illusionless :
Hello. I noticed your diary is locked now. Can I have the username and password please? my e-mail is emilymiedema (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks.
from incshrnkmn :
A recent fan who stumbled upon your diary. Would love the password. Thanks. [email protected]
from silver4 :
:( can I have password please??
from foreveragain :
well, you could send it to my email? or i could give you my address and you can send one to me with a return address! no worries. i like writing to people.
from foreveragain :
i'm not a part of that site, but do you want a postcard from canada?
from foreveragain :
so sorry for yr loss. hearts and prayers to you and yrs.
from silver4 :
Hey, not to butt in but I think a nightguard is a great idea. I found that I clench my teeth a lot and would feel sore in my joint and I'm super prone to headaches. I have a nightguard and it's good because it relieves the pressure and puts the jaw in a neutral position so I feel less stress in my facial structures. I'm sure the specialist already told you that stuff but wanted to give my two cents since I actually use one :) good luck!
from illusionless :
Good point.
from glorycloud :
I always enjoy reading your blog-peace
from foreveragain :
you are welcome. i know it was a lot to take in. and i find instrumental music demands so much more of you when listening. helios is a must. so relaxing. and for some extremely moving piano, try looking up the soundtrack to the film 'the fountain'. hearbreakingly beautiful.
from catsoul :
hi, I would wonder to about that myself, about your ex. Though when you don't have control, you can just watch and wonder. Take care. =^..^=
from foreveragain :
re: insrumental musics, all of these are stellar, mogwai, hammock, helios, goldmund, this will destroy you, explosions in the sky, god is an astronaut, the album leaf, amiina, kronos quartet, do make say think, godspeed you! black emperor, maserati, red sparowes, and some sigur ros is instumental. if you want more i can probably round up a few more!
from illusionless :
I'm sorry that you have social anxiety. My mother does as well. From the sounds of your entry you seem to be handling it well. Going out and about and staying positive about life. Good for you!
from glorycloud :
Jim Morrison and the Doors http://crookedfingers.livejournal.com/3045265.html
from foreveragain :
Reading yr words is such a refreshing change from almost all of the others here. So thank you for that. And I can relate all too well with you on yr quest for complete and total faith and love. It seems like a losing battle most days....
from illusionless :
That was a beautiful video! Thanks for posting it here. It made me feel the holy spirit which I haven't felt in awhile, so thank you for that! :) In high school I used to fill shoeboxes with toys and send them off to needy kids. It was very rewarding to do so I can relate to your joy of participating in it. Take care and God bless.
from glorycloud :
thanks for the note-I do not know/remember Darcy's last name-also Darcy was the kind of woman that was not a part of main stream society-a real Hippie check-a mystery woman-peace
from catsoul :
Your Christmas box is sooooooo great! It will make some little boy so excited and giving is what it is all about. =^..^=
from foreveragain :
i forgot to tell you i started up again over here. slowly getting things out again. xo (akamoonsocket)
from silver4 :
not too preachy :) i appreciate your input
from catsoul :
I felt the same way on Friday...hoping the day would zoom by. It sort of did and now here it is Saturday. Yeah!! Have a great weekend. =^..^=
from realthoughts :
yay geocaching! :)
from whystinger :
stumbled on your diary. Very cool.
from talktogod :
Very cool picture. Somewhere, back in the past, we have a picture of our kids feeding a bottle to a white tiger. Tigers are so pretty.
from silver4 :
hiii yea, i used to be a bigger fan but nothing really going on lately. but i have seen them twice, the last one being maybe just over a year ago. i had to borrow a friend's car and drive about an hour and a half to get to the place, but it was worth it. i love them live! trent is definitely precious :)
from silver4 :
cute lolcat :)
from killsoft :
Truly? ..Have I found a lady? This is like stumbling upon a fossilized unicorn!! *takes pictures for national geographic* they exist!
from killsoft :
Too soon for serious is too soon for fuckin.
from home-of-d :
I would always tell someone the same. But I'm 32, by 30 90% of your eggs are all gone. by 40 97%. I want a child at some point and I really see my time as running out. I always said I wouldn't risk having one after 35... but that leaves me so little time now. I just don't believe there is a Mr. right for me out there anymore.
from anorexicmeg :
Thank you. I hate when I get that angry so I'm sorry you had to read that crap. But thank you for the comment, prayer, and hope. I appreciate that!
from realthoughts :
I recently became interested in geocaching, which is kind of similar. Cool!
from kabukicharms :
I like your writing style it's clean, neat. Also I totally wanted to be an archeologist when I was a kid. There is a video from kinder where they asked us what we wanted to be. I kept trying to say archeologist but had to give up and say, in a very forlorn tone, fireman. Also I think that pin you found might be a love token. often a coin was cut or smoothed down and presented to a young woman by her departing beau. It was a practice common in the late 18th to early 19th centuries. Or I'm totally wrong and its just a pin.
from jondavid2010 :
It's nice to see you writing regularly again. And you sound happier than you've sounded the last few weeks. I hope this is so.
from talktogod :
I like your writing. I added you to my favorites today.
from glorycloud :
Rev James Smith-can you tell me anything more about this fellow? Scottish? English? Baptist? Presbyterian? Title of his books or subject matter? the name right now does not ring a bell-but if you can give me some more information I can look at our local seminary-peace
from jondavid2010 :
The Singer found herself in the same place with her internet relationship. They're hard to navigate. Taking it slow and defining your boundaries is a good thing. Faeria and I were very vigilant on both counts, and it paid dividends.
from glorycloud :
spell check "I sometimes hate myself and want to die but we live by faith-pray about relationships-peace"
from glorycloud :
did your cat show up? I would not feel ashamed smoking pot but we are not to do anything illegal-if pot was legal I might have a joint once in awhile-I drink once in awhile alone-my wife is very old fashion-I suppose hate myself and want to die but we live by faith-pray about relationships-peace
from jondavid2010 :
Praying for you
from jondavid2010 :
Thankyou for your prayers. I hope you are well. The twins are beautiful. I am a very proud and happy and blessed father. God is good.
from jondavid2010 :
The following one and more. Heavenly Father, please surround my sister with your love, grace, and mercy right now. Please give her wisdom. Help her Father to be discerning in all things to know what is your good will, and what is deception or confusion. Please build her faith in you as she draws near to you and reads your Word. Remind her of your goodness and your love. Thankyou Father that though she is fragile, you are the solid rock that she is built on, and you hold her fast. Please give her whatever comfort and support she needs through her friends and family right now. Show her who to turn to among her family who can remind her of your love. You are good. I ask all things in Jesus' name and in submission to you, amen.
from jondavid2010 :
hm. If I can help, please let me know. - Brother Birss
from jondavid2010 :
I hope you don't leave. I'm looking forward to hearing about this budding romance. I think it's very sweet, and I'm happy for you.
from jondavid2010 :
Very cool. Bible study is awesome. Matt sounds great.
from jondavid2010 :
Is Matt still in Afghanistan? Is the Bible Study over the phone?
from moonsocket :
yr very welcome! also, aura, for food. don't be fooled by the mainpage of the website or the 'nightlife' aspect of it. it's all about the dining. and for a proper pub for perhaps a proper pint or irish food, kel's irish pub. if yr into that sort of thing. :)
from moonsocket :
portland is one of the most beautiful cities i've ever been to. if it wasn't such a hassle for me to move there (being canadian) i would live there right now. some suggestions of places to go: tender loving empire (record store cool/consignment stuff), le happy (creperie), and just outside of portland in salem is the silver falls state park, gorgeous! there is more, i'll get back to you with them! let love rule.
from jondavid2010 :
It's called http://jondavid2010.diaryland.com/ElijahZion.html Check the archives. I've been writing a lot.
from jondavid2010 :
That's quite an honour to get to name his granddaughter. Yeah, Zion is cool. Did you read the entry where I talked about the name?
from jondavid2010 :
Our Zion is a girl
from jondavid2010 :
Sometimes a girl. More often a boy. But traditionally, Zion is the name of a city, which is traditionally female. All references to Zion's gender in scripture are female.
from anorexicmeg :
U look very happy :) I'm happy for u...u deserve it. U 2 look good together. I hope it works out for u.
from jondavid2010 :
Is Matt in the US army?
from jondavid2010 :
I met the love of my life riht here on d-land. We've been married over five years now and are expecting twins. We followed each other (jondavid and oct0ber) for over three years before we met in person. It isn't wierd to fall for someone you haven't met.
from jondavid2010 :
God hears your prayers. You'll find what you're looking for.
from realthoughts :
have fun! I'm looking forward to hearing how it goes!
from glorycloud :
Do you not have any desire to see this beautiful world that God has created? Yes but I long for the world to come-peace
from realthoughts :
hi - did you lock? if you're still wanting readers, I'd love the user/pass. You can email me at rped2007 at yahoo.
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
lol I thought we did that already ;) Truce. Absolutely. I've learned you can find friends in the oddest places.
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
I'm holding up okay, I guess...been just a little depressed. Breaking up is hard to do, ya' know? Even when you know the person you are with is an ass. Ugh. I guess I'm feeling a little old and lonely. Thanks for asking. It brought a smile to my face this morning! :) p.s. I was going to add you as a friend on my Facebook, but wasn't sure if you'd be cool with that...?
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
Oh honey, you are so much more than "skinnyness"!!
from moonsocket :
it most certainly is not the only thing you have going for you. ;)
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
There will always be a piece of you that is a little (or a lot) sad and hurt after a breakup, even if it's for the best and you have no intention of going back. My Dad always said "exes are exes and should remain just that - exes"...it's like putting on an old, familiar coat; it feels comfortable, but it won't keep you warm. That's what I keep telling myself anyway! :)
from realthoughts :
I'm sorry. :( I'm glad that at least you have the weekend to look forward to.
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
The snow was so pretty! We had only about 4" here, but it was enough for the girls and I to build a cute snowman. Btw, go on the missions trip! Trust this old lady...don't let chances like that pass you by. Live life with no regrets.
from anorexicmeg :
Don't worry whatever happens God will take care of you. :) Just hang in there!
from avox :
Hah... I'm looking after my (ex)boyfriend too. Our apt is under my name, and the cell phones are under his. I've paid rent, and for groceries, and I've even had to reconnect our phones because he can't even manage money to pay 80 bucks a month, even though I normally give him 50 to put in my half of our phone bill. Will makes like... twice as much as I do too. I often wonder wtf and where does all his money go-- but for some reason I don't ask... The women of this age are caregivers and bread makers. Guys should be in our kitchens and ironing our shirts!
from anorexicmeg :
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year! May it bring you happiness! You deserve it.. :) ~Meg
from silver4 :
happy early birthday! i might not get on this website tomorrow so i figured i'd say it now. wishing for good things to come your way!
from catsoul :
Happy Birthday early....you are getting old, you are getting better!! I am 54 and I still feel like a young whipper snapper...so don't let a silly number fool you. My logic is I add 5 + 4 which equals 9, therefore I can act like a nine year old this year. :) P.S. Your worker party should be so much fun, I just love them because I can sit around and observe people, it is alot like sitting on a bench in the mall and people watching. Take care. Happy Holidays. =^..^=
from realthoughts :
happy birthday tomorrow. I just just 29 in October; I know, it sucks getting old and realizing that we're almost 30. :(
from home-of-d :
I will never say anything against people and their religions; however, you were given freewill to live your life. God helps those that help themselves, sometimes praying isn�t enough you need to make your own plans, you need to realize what�s toxic in your life and you need to make yourself happy. Make the choice to be happy and don�t let others drag you down. Compared to others in this world your life is blessed, live each day accepting that gift.
from anorexicmeg :
Thank you. ~Meg
from glorycloud :
just writing to tell you I read your diary-keep your eyes on the Lord-pray-watch-peace
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
My heart goes out to you and your family. I just went through this with my Mamaw this year. She got the news in March and passed at my birthday in June. I'll add you guys to our prayer list.
from minstrelite :
I'm sorry to hear about your uncle. But as you say, nothing is impossible with God. That is a really encouraging Scripture.
from glorycloud :
sorry to hear about your uncle-I hope he is ready to meet his Creator-peace
from anorexicmeg :
Sorry to hear about ur uncle. I'll keep you n ur family in my thoughts and prayers. ~Meg
from moonsocket :
stumbled upon yr writing haphazardly today. think i might stick around a while, if you don't mind. :)
from home-of-d :
Thanks. :)
from coexistapart :
It's up to you, but I clearly said that I am only giving out the new username if the old username is unlisted as a favorite.
from coexistapart :
Please remove me as a favorite, as well as this note. Thanks.
from glorycloud :
nice song-like the line "come and hold my heart"-my constant prayer is for the Lord to fix my heart/affections/desires on Him and nothing else-peace
from anorexicmeg :
Hidy! I know I don't know u that well but I thought I'd just drop a few lines of encouragement. Someone once told me "Once an addict always an addict." I don't find that completely true but I do know this...you can't force someone to change... no matter how much you love them, want them to, etc. I know it's hard and it hurts. But...don't let anyone drag u down b/c of their problems. U can only offer them help so many times. A relationship is 50/50. U've given ur 50% now it's his turn. It will get better. There is hope. *hugs* Take care! ~Meg
from catsoul :
How long are you willing to wait for a "normal" relationship? It sure sounds like he needs a fallback to his old ways. Addicts who really aren't trying to keep clean for themselves tend to keep a hidden stash. Tough love. Facing the truth is always hard to do. Going back each time is enabling him to repeat the same pattern and you are sucked into that. I hope that you are not hurt by what I wrote here. I wish you well with whatever you do, but the main question is: how long do you want to wait for "normal?" Take care. =^..^=
from home-of-d :
I'll probably put up a link. :) And share a few.
from glorycloud :
This whole media thing on Michael Jackson is something I find no interest in either-peace
from anorexicmeg :
Thank you! :) ~Meg
from home-of-d :
Thanks girl, I hope so too. :)
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
Are his parents completely oblivious, or completely in denial?
from julymalaise :
Hello, I like your diary, please add me
from home-of-d :
anybody who cares about you will want you to take care of yourself, to put yourself first. You cant help anyone unless you can help yourself. You need to be on your own side and make sure you take care of you.
from seattle-rain :
I just got your e-mail today! I'll reply as soon as I get a chance. And, if you lock I'd like to keep reading.
from glorycloud :
keep me informed-you are in my prayers-if you lock your diary I would like to keep reading your diary
from home-of-d :
Sounds like you are the strong one already. :)
from home-of-d :
Walk away girl. This is not the life your ment for, a relationship should be with an equal, someone who helps build you up, who helps you not someone who leaches off you and who pulls you down. As long as this J is in your life... your going no where.
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
Sorry - get YOUR car back.
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
I know it's hard, but I wouldn't wait for things to change before you get out of the lease and/or get our car back. People usually hit rock-bottom before they get clean. You don't want to go down with him, you know? My heart hurts for you and I hope things get better. Just remember, none of this is your fault.
from seattle-rain :
May I recommend a book? It's called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. You are a strong woman! Don't let yourself have a breakdown! I've been there and I wish I could tell you in a way so that you understand that it doesn't have to be that way for you. I admire you for setting boundaries now! You don't have to do this alone.
from seattle-rain :
Bless your heart! You must be going through a TERRIBLE time. I had a relationship situation a few years ago that sounds very similar- I had my life, heart AND finances invested in someone I loved very much. I'm still a few thousand dollars in debt because of the relationship. I definitely am NOT saying I understand how you feel- no one but you and God how you really feel! It's just so hard. It really, really is. It may not seem that there is no end in sight but there is- there truly is. Psalm 37:4 :) I will be praying for you!
from seattle-rain :
Oh, my goodness! Now I've read your entry. Bless your sweet heart! I will pray for you. It is very scary to make a commitment that is so deep and so precious as committing your everything to someone. It's hard to know what God wants for your life. If you aren't ready to commit, don't! Marriage is hard enough without the doubts of whether or not you've made the right decision. Proverbs 3:5-6 Shoot me a note if you need anything. [email protected] God bless you!:)
from seattle-rain :
It was the selflessness of everything. First, of course, there was the physical attraction and general compatibility. But then we learned to love each other selflessly. He changed his life to be with me. When I look at our lives now it was amazing what we gave up to be together- but all in the same neither of us had to compromise the essence of who we were.
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
I know I'm probably the last person on earth you want prayers from, but I'm keeping you in mine. For what it's worth, you don't seem to be afraid of commitment; you're afraid of being committed to someone you can't trust. Trust is such a huge marker of how successful a relationship will be - not having trust in your partner is like bungee jumping without a cord.
from theboxisback :
They're actually coming here in September. I've never seen them before because I just recently got really into them. I could listen to all their albums on repeat for days and not get tired of them. I can't wait to here them in person.
from home-of-d :
The trip would be worth the flight. Take a gravel... sleep the whole way there. :) Trips like that arn't worth wasting due to a fear... some say that fear is proof we are alive and having adventures. :)
from home-of-d :
Thanks. :)
from catsoul :
Keep going until you get an answer to your pain. It is better to know what it is, so they can treat it and you can get better. I so feel for you. It doesn't help when the pain won't let you sleep, and you can't get to sleep, I so can relate to that. Sometimes you are afraid to go to sleep also. Take care. =^..^=
from glorycloud :
it is blessing to be able to read the Gospels-the Good News-may the Lord by the Holy Spirit open our ears to hear the Good News-Matt.4:17-peace
from forbidden33 :
I love cemeteries. A lot of people don't get that, but they fascinate me. I'm not even really into geneaology, I just love letting my mind wander about who these people were that lived back in the 1800's and to think that as I am standing looking over a gravesite, a hundred years ago, someone else was standing in that same spot... it's an awesome feeling. :o)
from glorycloud :
I have never been into large breasts-I do not know what size breasts my wife has? When you make love usually it is in the dark so body size is not important-the point is you are beautiful the way you are-breast size is not important-in that picture of you you like good-you are lovely woman-peace
from molly1-2-3 :
I find graveyards really peaceful, I crave silent company sometimes. also something calming about being near the grave of someone you love.
from glorycloud :
yes I write down in our basement since I got wireless-now I can use my lap top down in the basement-I have another computer in our living room-I hate using it because it is super slow and makes a lot of noise-I need a new computer but my lap top is new-but I hate using it because then it will get old and then get slow-can't win-I like writing in the basement because most of my library is down here plus it is quiet and dark-my son Josiah's old stereo is down here so I can listen to music and I can burn incense-peace
from forbidden33 :
I understand your feelings about the class reunion... I just got the invite to mine today and while there are a few people I'd like to see... I have nothing to show for the time I've been out of school. I have a decent degree, but have been unemployed for a year and a half. I have no husband or children and that's something that I'm not sure will be in the cards for me anymore. Just keep your chin up and remember that while you may not think you're doing anything spectacular, you're also not one of the people who won't be going to the reunion because you've made terrible choices in life and are behind bars or on the run from the cops because of them. (That was words of wisdom to me from my mom... leave it to a mother!) :)
from glorycloud :
where do you want to go if you could take a vacation? do you have a favorite place you would like to go?
from extremelyshy :
thanks for the advice. i appreciate every bit i get =P
from flyonawall :
thank you for the note!
from extremelyshy :
i didnt get your message :(
from catsoul :
I so hear and feel what you wrote. Trust is so big in building a solid foundation in a relationship. Do what you need to do in order to be happy and safe. Take care. =^..^=
from glorycloud :
you are good at being you-God loves us-we are special in His sight-we have to be who we are In Christ-I still do not know what I am good at-do not know my calling-but the Lord goes before us-peace
from molly1-2-3 :
There are few things in life more heartwarming than to be welcomed by a cat. - Tay Hohoff
from glorycloud :
hi may the Lord bless-peace Jonny
from extremelyshy :
definitely!
from extremelyshy :
oh, as for the shy part, i really am. lol. you may not be able to tell in my diary.. not sure.. but in person, total wallflower. lol.
from extremelyshy :
thanks for your notes. i need to hear it, ya know? i need to know that i'm not the only one who feels the way i do, or goes through what i go through. i'll never understand people who use other people. *shrug* i still have hope, though that i'll find someone deserving. you will too. =P
from studionique :
that is so funnycrazyironic, our criss-cross connection, haha
from molly1-2-3 :
thank you! I tried to post ones that described my life and adventures I've had rather than ones that were flattering. good to know I accomplished both.
from studionique :
she's beautiful.
from studionique :
just as I told myself I am going to get back to work, I clicked on your diary from rpe and looks like I stumbled upon a gem, I look forward to reading more soon. I love combinations of artistic expressions and true confessions. : )
from molly1-2-3 :
oh no! I'm so ashamed of most of my early entries, I've changed a lot since then. I read a few of your entries and I'm intrigued by it. I'm not sure what you meant by you seeing yourself in me when you were younger. after only a couple entries I noticed you too are insecure, have a strong faith in God, and believe in fate.
from hamiltonian :
That is wonderful what they did in the memory of your sister. Made me have more faith in people and that they still are capable of goodness.
from hamiltonian :
It is and reading your journal is refreshing for me to read it. I think highly of you...
from hamiltonian :
I really love your journal, it's beautiful! I'm sorry about what happened to your sister.. the memorial page is touching and I am proud of you for doing such a thing in her memory.

back to fragilegirl8's profile
recommend this diary to a pal?

Other diaries starting with the letter:
a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

Back to Diaryland

Recently updated
News
update April 6, 2020: Sorry, we just had 8+ hours downtime due to a server problem. Restoring from backups took soooo long, but everything is back and no data was lost. Ay yay yay! Anyhow, hope everyone is well with the virus stuff.

Sign up for paid membership if you want!

Users online