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messages to fuschia:
(click here to add new message):

from magnifika :
"Because if I let go, I've gotta fall in love with someone else all over again... and lord, I am not looking forward to it." i'm crying. literally. i think this is what i'm facing and, after three years, i haven't let go, either...to the dismay of my new partners, to the destruction of new relationships. i've missed d-land...i can't write at my usual place anymore--too many people know me there and i can't say what i need to say anymore. isn't that strange?
from aucrepuscule :
:) Taurus!
from addict-in-me :
That's life right? Well said.
from katherinhand :
hey darlin! it's so nice to hear from you. i'm still around; i've just neglected my poor diary. i keep meaning to start a new one. i'll let you know if i ever get it going. hope you're well. xoxoxoxoxo
from aucrepuscule :
...and i'm sorry for the additional creep factor, but i was wondering if you could tell me your birthday.
from aucrepuscule :
i love you.
from mangotuesday :
that.is.fucked. [obviously he has sub par taste.]
from mangotuesday :
omfg i want to kick peter in his face!
from vocalfern :
send me an email. i have spies in north carolina. bmurabito@gmail.com. i will send you all the words you need! (i changed it last night!) love youuu.
from mangotuesday :
southeast/hug. frommetoyou.
from southeast :
oh thank you! i just heart your guts out.
from vocalfern :
vocalfern/stand. blonde redhead- equus! allow me to show you the way which i adore you!
from vocalfern :
i miss you. cat power- the greatest i'm still out in space, reading you. hope all is well- hope all is right as rain.
from magnifika :
i just realized you meant the one about toby...yeah. today was it. we were trying at friends. i just need to let it go. the thing is...now what? you're right. its hard. xo, sj
from magnifika :
a plate full of irony. that one--mary--is about one of my profs, actually. for the first time in forever, i'm not writing about a love interest on d-land. i'm trying to get back to writing for me again...so...here goes nothin'. i'm glad you're still here, girl. xo, sj
from lobo21 :
I stumbled across your page tonight. I wish you much luck on your day to day goals. Life in retail does suck most of the time. If you don't mind too much I'd like to stumble in again sometime.
from patient- :
i hate my job too. we should get together and burn down things.
from magnifika :
totally weird. toby & i are back together...in theory, anyway. he is in austin now but moving back to pittsburgh in june. i'm graduating (after the twelve year plan) in may...so...we'll see. a year off before grad school. he dated a woman, see...and she found my blog and wrote me. it freaked me out a little. it is strange. the thing is, i didn't even care about her or who she was until she wrote me. and now i care. also, she is crazy and kind of dull at once. xo, girl.
from mangotuesday :
i have high hopes for novemeber. for the both of us.
from magnifika :
dude. i just bought a bike yesterday. i said the same thing: "i need to do this for myself." awesome. xo, sj
from hrtxbrkxhero :
thank you. :)
from magnifika :
oh, girl...i feel you. i'm stuck in no-friend land here, myself...i'd take us out for coffee and pancakes and fruit. one of these days, i'll meet you halfway and we'll have a go of it. xo, sj
from hrtxbrkxhero :
excuse me, but, you can never cry too much. it cleanses the soul. trust me.
from magnifika :
oh, girl. writing letters. i'm faced with the prospect of writing my own letters, so i kind of empathize with the question, "should i?" in the past, when i've written them, i've regretted them because words fall on deaf ears, sometimes...but at the same time, there is a certain breathlessness that doesn't go away until you write them down, until you know that they have reached the intended recipient and that you didn't have to say them all out loud. there is a relaxation to organizing your thoughts. i'd like to think they hit home at some point. i've thought about writing my own letter...a final letter of sorts...interestingly, i know that it will be read, i know that he'll listen to what i have to say. i just don't know if he deserves even hearing it at this point...oi....xo,sj
from mangotuesday :
i just read the wind up bird chronicle. and i thought of you.
from magnifika :
realizing the other day that it has been a long, long time that we've all been writing. long. time. sometimes, when i read your stuff (and i do read your stuff still, you know), i feel like there is some sort of consistency, some sort of parallel (or is it an intersection) where you remind me of me. sometimes, i'm extremely afraid to say the very things that you put to words sometimes. i'm getting better at this. shrinks & meds. trying to relearn and open new capacities. i want to believe that there is someone that is going to stay but you have to stop envisioning that they will go away because it pushes them away more, right? you can learn new capacities, find new eyes. i'm behind on films but recently saw what the *bleep?* do we know? and it made me think some thoughts i hadn't before. have you seen it? see it. anyway, a note. xo, sj
from vocalfern :
well i am moving in february to the seacoast. i am making kale soup, taking pro-biotics, and kissing my new cat, ephraim. iridescent nail polish reminds me of being 13 and wanting to be claire danes. ps we are blanketed in snow!
from vocalfern :
smooch, how have you been i miss the fuschia fun love bee
from rainhammers :
me too. but it seems safer that way.
from magnifika :
hey, girl. maybe a big dorky question, but did you ever get yerself a SPACE? you know...your space, my space...you get the idea. been writing on that a lot lately... xo, sj
from adianoeta :
i love that photograph of chicago.
from fuschiashock :
that you are. i like the idea of taking thirty pictures a day.
from patient- :
everything grows a sour taste and becomes senseless eventually. don't you hate that it's like a slap in the face when it happens, though?
from oldfiftyfive :
hey you, did you get the new password? i hope things are good. i still check your page when i have access to a computer, which is rare. i am in ann arbor lots lately, we should have coffee sometime. <3
from pouncer :
You are so lovely and insightful, I hope things get better for you <3 I think you should send that boy an email with everything you want to tell him, don't be afraid, I did that with my ex that sounded like yours very condescending and know it all I eventually sent him an email writing everything I held in, and IT FELT SOOO good to have that closure, but sure enough it somehow worked- I got over him by writing it out and putting it on paper I realized how much of a jerk he was and how much better off I was and he ended up wanting me back. Still sends me messages 3 years after we broke up, might not be the same for you, all I know is it really helped me. Get those thoughts that way you down out of your head and put it on him. Love HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE FOURTH xoxoxo
from vocalfern :
that's exactly it. and what i can't stand is that i don't know why precisely it is him that i like. or that i have let him get to me. because ive had other relationships where i didn't care. but this time i'm in over my head. you're beautiful, thank you for all of your turtledove notes. love bee
from jinkymarvels :
hey fuschia! i lost you somehow for a while, but am back to read all about your adventures! jm
from vocalfern :
i won't tell him that i think about him almost all of the time. it's stifling. the heat of his gaze, but he's nowhere to be seen. sometimes i think i feel him in the room with me, or see him sitting in a chair, green eyes locked with mine, telling me something without words. i'm talking like he died or something. no, he's alive. the only thing that died was us. WE ARE MORE ALIKE than you know chin up, rabbit love bee
from vocalfern :
me too, bunny
from quibblings :
Don't be sad. Remember, Jeffrey Brown is sadder. ...Have you read "Every Girl Is the End of the World for Me" yet? Allyson (the 'Unlikely' girlfriend) breaks his heart...<b>again</b>! Love is rough. Period.
from vocalfern :
i know! the lead singer of gogol bordello was interviewed by an aquaintance of mine, for our university magazine. next step though is to download the soundtrack. !! bee
from vocalfern :
ive lost sofar 7.2 lbs in two weeks. you are in my thoughts love. love bee
from oldfiftyfive :
"i want boys to like me, i want to like them, i want to make out and tease but nothing more. no relationships, no sex, nothing." i couldn't agree with you more.
from oldfiftyfive :
i know. i'm still in a state of shock. i was so naive - you hear about people doing depraved shit like that, but it's never anyone you know, right? wrong. i wrote two emails but i didn't send them and i'm not going to. i can't afford to compromise my dignity any more than i already have. if you ever want to talk about what's going on with you (cause it sounds like a lot is) you could email me, or IM or anything. it's funny because since i have to keep things so quiet, you actually know more about you-know-what than anyone else. sorry, this is long.
from adianoeta :
oh dear. :( sending you hugs and hugs and hugs. it's not fair.
from oldfiftyfive :
you poor thing :( that is such a heartbreaking situation. as if breakups aren't already hard enough. get in a lot of time with your friends, and eat quality chocolate. <3
from vocalfern :
we are the same person in your last entry
from vocalfern :
we do miss you, poppet <3
from boyhips :
i agree, i miss when you used to write here more. maybe you could lock it or start a private one even, if you wanted.
from mangotuesday :
yes. come to portland. we can go to shows and watch lucky 3. photoshoots in southeast industrial. i am thankful for you.
from oldfiftyfive :
oh, actually it was a cider mill near my house, in franklin. it's a really cute little place. we saw a movie called 'mirror mask', it was really surreal and the plot was kind of silly but i enjoyed it for the beautiful imagery. how have you been doing lately?
from flowermouths :
I am bipolar with psychotic symptoms, which means I have severe mood swings and psychotic symptoms, the only one (now) being hearing voices. I used to also get delusional, but since I've been on meds ever since my first episode that hasn't happened. Anyway, I was a smoker before my first psychotic episode, which involved hearing voices and having delusions, and smoking helped me get through. It helped me get through a lot of things in life before I quit. My psychiatrist tells me that bipolar and schizophrenic people have bigger receptors for nicotine in our brains... we need more to get the same nicotine high. This is going to go into my next entry, but she told me to go back on the full strength nicotine patch to deal with the voices. It's going to take me longer to withdraw from nicotine from most people. It would be irresponsible for me to amateurly diagnose why you're hearing things now, but it's obivously resulting from nicotine withdrawal. I think it's normal for people to hear things when they're really tired and whatnot. My voices are really loud, they say actual words. But they do it in a way so that I know it's them and that it's not real. Maybe you should go on the patch, or wellbutrin or another of those quit smoking antidepressants. You can try the patch without seeing a doctor, though, and I'm afraid that if you did see a doctor she'd diagnose you as schizophrenic or something because you're hearing things, and you don't sound schizophrenic to me. I really don't know, this is all just my opinion. Good luck!
from vocalfern :
come to new hampshire, it calls to you with a cold-cheeked whisper and a promise of red oak leaves and and peeking, tepid, golden sunlight.
from magnifika :
october is my favourite. it was muggy, here, today. i knew there'd be fog when i woke up because last night, when i let the dogs out before bed...i could already see it rolling off the river towards my front yard. i didn't know what to wear this morning because of it. by the time i got on the bridge and about a mile away from the river, it was too late to realize it was going to be a semi-muggy indian summerish day with tempertures in the low 80s or something...and i, in my long pants and long sleeves and sandals. it all worked out just fine, though. i love my scarves and mittens and sweaters but i have a hard time putting shoes on again after all of this sandal-summer. xo
from magnifika :
the new sigur ros DOES rule. you got to see them? *melt* you ARE spoiled....i'm kidding. :) be well, girlie.
from vocalfern :
that is an ernesto cardenal quote, i found it written in my friend's art journal, when i read it i realized how much it applied to myself, to everything i had been through. so i feel you on this one. i read some of his other stuff just from googling his name, but it wasnt nearly as immeadiate as that quote. i am glad it got to you, too.
from oldfiftyfive :
you aren't spoiled, it's okay to be sad. it's a disappointment. i'm sorry about your hands, too. my skin has been awful for a couple weeks but now it's starting to look better.. i hope yours does too.
from oldfiftyfive :
i was too, haha. i was on the balcony in aisle 8 and i like, scrutinized the ushers when i first sat down. they probably thought i was checking them out. oh well, i will tell you when i'm next in ann arbor, though sadly that is not too often.
from oldfiftyfive :
you're sweet. i'm ok now i think. it's so sad that you were at sigur ros too and i didn't see you! if i'd known i would've tried to meet you somewhere in the theater so we could say hi, at least. it's funny to think i hardly know what you look like, because i've been reading your diaries for years. <3
from vocalfern :
when the cat did it again today i imagined years upon years of drool, and thought of you somehow, maybe just your diary since we don't know what the opposite looks like. LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU.
from oldfiftyfive :
hey, are you ever able to get into my diary without entering your password? (i am getting paranoid)
from vocalfern :
i love you!
from oldfiftyfive :
yeah, gotta love the unexplained coldness. i'm glad you liked that entry though. i feel like my writing on dland is really ridiculous, because i'm only saying what i absolutely can not say anywhere else, and it's only in regards to one aspect of my life, really.. so i sound like i have such a one-track mind. haha.
from boyhips :
haha its ok maybe theyre similar cuz they have similar names?
from boyhips :
nah i doubt it considering ive never taken any of the pills and only used each spray for like two weeks. i think its just the allergies themselves... oh and i sent you the password
from boyhips :
I HAVE THE BLURRY EYE THING TOO!
from boyhips :
do claritin or allegra actually work? and also do you have HORRIBLE hearing problems (due to allergies)? or is it just me who is half deaf?
from vocaccia :
(effing yeast infections seconded, glad it's nothing worse). thanks for the note honey, have my own computer back from the therapist with freshly installed firefox. tabbed browsing, i have missed you so.
from oldfiftyfive :
man, effing yeast infections. i've got one too and it's so irritating. when i got it i thought i was dying of cancer of the vagina or something. feels terrible. i can understand why you were so worried, especially if you've never had one before.
from oldfiftyfive :
things sound bad on this and good on the other journal, so i am not sure how you are really doing. but i hope you are okay. i started updating mine again, just so you know. but you're the only one who can read it, because i got really sick of people getting all worked up about things i write.
from vocalfern :
hey. it's actually something kind of stupid that i made up in my mind. i always have terrible birthdays (ie.... boys leaving my parties with skanky girls/sleeping with my friends/ terrible fights) for the past 4 years in a row. so, i decided one day, that since 2/28 (my real birthday) always gets me down, that instead 8/28 would be my reversal birthday and would be in the summertime when i am happier. so, i guess, following that logic, yours is march fourth. it works well for me, idealistically, because february and august are so far apart. but i forgot that today was 8/28, and it's left me sort of unsatisfied. blahh. what a nerd, huh? i'm into astrology, too though, i had a similar post to astrology about what my element, metal, tree, etc... was in accordance to me being a pisces. you are a a taurus... so this is what i found for you! Animal: Bull Birthstone: Topaz, Cornelian, Emerald Body Part: Throat, Ears Color: Orange Red Day: Friday Metal: Copper, Gold Perfume: Storax (A vanilla-scented resin from various trees of the genus Styrax) Plant: Mallow Tarot: Hierophant Tree: Palms, Citrus Element: Earth i'm sending pixel love your way, keep your head up. hope this isnt too garbeldygook for you. i didnt realise until today that you werent on my favorite diary list, and i have no idea why that was, but i changed it and meant to say you have always been one of my favorites. love and bravery, bee
from vocalfern :
hang in there honey. besitos, bee
from boyhips :
haha man gimme your honest opinion on her (sry imhi)
from boyhips :
hey this probably isnt very comforting and i dont know all the details but i bet you dont have aids or anything like that... symptoms of stuff like that usually take longer to show up i think and it seems like the people who actually DO have it are not the ones who freak out and get tested soon after but more often ones who dont notice anything wrong/think about the possibility, then much later down the line get really sick and find out, but stuff like that is always so frightening anyway not to mention BULLSHIT when you had no part in the cause. it sounds like a lot of the people you know are huge assholes and im sorry about that :(
from boyhips :
me too :(
from boyhips :
apparently :( i think its a pretty rare side effect though.
from spocksex :
yr a smart and beautiful girl, someday you will find someone who makes you very happy, im sure of it. it takes a while, and a lot of fucking heartbreak though. i am 26, and i think i am finally happy and secure in my relationship with someone else. keep on keeping on!! xoxoxo
from boyhips :
YES! obviously not very much cuz i havent been using it that long but i realized this happened every other time i used it too but i stopped without thinking much of it cuz my allergies werent as bad then. im going to feel like such an asshole calling to make ANOTHER appt but i dont know what else to do. i might just wait and use that vics crap i dont know.
from boyhips :
ahhh and then i was gona say much
from boyhips :
in this case i love you THHHIIISSSSSS
from pouncer :
FUCK BOYS! I'm sorry sweets! You're better off on your own, who needs a jerk that will only make you feel like shit, you need yourself to realize you're better than that and him. Hope your cloudy days turn to rain and after the rain has cleared you see everything in a new light fresh and clean and a pretty rainbow coming right at you! Sorry if that's lame, I'm trying to be poetic here for you. Feel better! <B
from spocksex :
aww, what a fuckhead. (the boy, not you) you remind me so much of me, its scary. take care, and ill avoid a bunch of cliched crap and just say xoxo.
from boyhips :
yes! its so fucking weird, ive never experienced this till recently and i was like "ok im not old/overweight/extremely out of shape/a smoker/etc" and i wondered if it was allergy related or something so i started using the dumb spray they gave me cuz i also sound like i am really ill with the way its making me sound... blecccchhhh
from flowermouths :
All my extra weight is meds weight... that's what frustrates me so much. And that's why my weight fluctuates so much. I'm 5'3 and currently weigh 146 lbs. I have a very small frame... there's too much weight on my body. AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THE MEDS!!! I think...
from flowermouths :
I know what you mean about the magazines. When I weighed 100 lbs, it didn't matter. And I was so blissfully unaware of how lucky I was! I never worked out... well, I danced a lot. Now everything is a reminder to me that I'm not thin enough.
from boyhips :
in my experience the ONLY places that will hire you without prior experience are disgusting seedy fastfood joints. its revolting. actually i know somebody who got a job at kmart/sears essentials without any but i dont know if they have that where you live or if youd want to work there. but ya barnes&noble's application is really obnoxious, and i think its dumb how they make a huge stink about their equal opportunity employment and not to put down anything that might "reveal your ethnicity or religion or sex blah blah blah" its like 90% of the time you can tell of it by somebodys fucking name so just fuck off with your idiocy already barnes&noble.
from boyhips :
oh man fuck... they gave me claritin and all these sprays too... he told me the spray didnt work cuz i didnt use it long enough but then it broke anyway ugggh... also i really dont like how its all steroids and then shit that makes you nauseated/tired... man yuck :( seriously fuck allergies and idiot doctors!
from kex :
so very sorry. :/
from pouncer :
I'm so sorry to hear that :(. At least he's not suffering anymore...I hope you're days start looking up soon. big huge hug to you. luv <B<B
from boyhips :
once again, my deepest condolences, that is one of the saddest most fucked up things ive ever heard, nobody deserves that, especially not you.. i dont know what you do or dont believe in, but maybe one day somehow someway you will get to meet him... sorry that probably sounds so dumb... but honestly wow im just so so sorry, i dont know what else to say :(
from magnifika :
oh! you have a 'don't talk shit' goal, too?! that was my new years resolution...i've been sticking to it pretty well, give or take. usually, if i talk shit, i make sure to say it to the person's face when next i see them. i declare, "in keeping with the Don't Talk Shit Resolution of 2005, i feel obligated to tell you that, yes, you have a bad attitude and hijack plans (or whatever shit i've talked) and that i was discussing such with (insert name)." and then we move from there. i guess it's put a limit on the amount of shit i will talk because i'm trying to make sure it really *is* something i'll say to someone's face. generally, though, i'm pretty straightforward these days. i love the way you write, too...that bicycle in the fog...would have freaked me out a little, too. :) xo
from rainhammers :
nice entry.
from flowermouths :
I really like your layout, and the color. My diary is now locked. To get the password, please email me at flowermouths@hotmail.com
from flowermouths :
thank you for adding me to your favorites! :)
from postcognate :
You don't know me, and I found you through a series of profile jumps, but I read your latest entry and I wanted to tell you that there is indeed something wrong with you, but that you aren't broken. I know how you feel to an extent, and I have been in the place you are in, but I got out. I've been back in the light for about eight months now, and if I can do it, you can too. If I sound like an asshole that should mind his own business, then disregard this. But if you want to hear what I have to say, send an email to the address on my profile and I'll give you the whole story, plus my cure for the disease. -The Emale
from boyhips :
fuck i spent all evening looking and NOWHERE is even hiring except kmart! i really hate people too, ever since i got back from seattle especially, because the people there were so calm and nice and genuine, and it made me realize its not ALL people, just the ones here (and maybe the oens where you live too).
from pouncer :
Thanks for the advise for my hair, you're a sweetheart! Now all I need is to find time, money and a place ; ). Hope you're feeling better. I'm sending happy thoughts your way... : ) ox(Big huge hug)xo
from redd :
xox updated, for you sake
from mangotuesday :
you like bread and tulips too. kindred.
from vocalfern :
miau miau my roomie really liked suki. we'll see how it goes. i wish i could have a million living things to name. love, bee
from spitfire79 :
well good! can i ask, where exactly will you be living? or you can email it to me. i postered all over western mass and i know it quite well. route 7 is a beautiful scenic drive, and northampton is a magical city you must see. email me. i'll tell you the best places to visit.
from spitfire79 :
that is western massachusetts, and 40 minutes outside of albany is sort of the vicinity i lived in, pittsfield-lennox-williamstown-amherst, beware the winters but i had the most beautiful summer of my life there.
from boyhips :
yeah. i find it really depressing how all the surgeons hug and kiss their patients and praise them, etc.
from magnifika :
mmmm, pixies! i just got my ticket a few weeks ago to the show they're playing down here. i'm not sure who's opening with them yet, but it's going to be a good time, even if i *am* going by myself. I'm really excited. excercise. yeah. walk that kitty of yours. i've been taking my wild mutt out for walks and enjoying the spring flowers. it's amazing how the cool keeps them longer. everyone wants it to get really sunny and hot and summery already but i say, man, enjoy the spring...the flowers are so gorgeous and bright this year and clinging to the trees and bushes so happily. i can't be sad this time of year...i just get introspective and become a bit of an introvert because everyone thinks i'm a big nerd for gushing about everything that's changing in the world. (call me a nerd and i'll hunt you down...:) ) but seriously...the earth is acting a lot like a refrigerator like at the grocery store where the flowers are all kept alive and perky. what's not to want to go out and see?? walks. find some woods and hike them. find a place to go and smoke a joint on your own and just think. it's good for you. :) xo, girlie. (PS: i'm FINALLY going to europe in september...what was your favourite thing to see? i want to see it.)
from s-m-r :
Take walks; that's what I do. Short ones, just around the block a time or two. Or walk on your lunch hour, if you've a job like that. Finding some fresh air works wonders, and you'll be more prepared to go back to whatever it was you were doing before it.
from boyhips :
i forgot naima, she is pretty hot and actually has a good personality... is kahlen the one with blonde hair or brown hair? neither of them does a thing for me. and keenyah i guess is pretty but like you said not model material and waaaay too much of a stuckup crazy bitch.
from boyhips :
man i dunno... i thought it was a normal pic but maybe its not? i thought her outfit/expression was amusing
from magnifika :
you know, i can relate to this talk of being cemented...of being stuck in a sort of time warp where you can't get past a certain time in your life. the older i get, the more things seem to repeat themselves in my head. seasons change and time rolls and each time we come full circle, i realize how much i left behind during those times. i realize how much i gave up for the way i acted and for the way i felt back then. you don't lose that part of you ever, like you said. it stays with you. some things, you can never forget...they're just the things you take with you. it's not a bad thing, i don't think. like now, i look back and wonder how i survived some of those years...how did i never get arrested for my constant lack of respect for laws? how did i not die from all of the drugs i ingested in college for no other reason than because it was there...no matter where it might have come from? how did i make it this far? it's good to have those sorts of memories with you...to sometimes feel stuck for things you wish you could change. it's good to be reminded constantly of how things were...to fully appreciate the beauty of the things that *are*. i'm catching up with you lately, and your voice has changed. your style is changing. you're finding this voice that is the voice of a woman, now, and i really love it. i love that you haven't been on these extended hiatus' that i find myself taking from my writing. i love that you don't give it up. you've got this moxy i envy, this loyalty to your own words that i am working so hard to reclaim. you are an inspiration. xo.
from mangotuesday :
pack your bags and move to portland. fresh air and all the love you deserve.
from boyhips :
judaism is a race to me too, i think it is to most people who actually know anything about it- it seems most people who say its not are just trying to be politically correct assholes. and whoa that was seriously fucked up of him to say "i feel bad for whatever man youre with etc", both my parents used to say that type of shit to me (like just random fucked up things wheres it liek WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT ESPECIALLY TO YOUR OWN CHILD WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?) but ive grown to be pretty aggressive so they never say shit like to me in public now cuz they know id go off and make a HUGE scene without even trying. but damn that really sucks about your trip, reading the stuff you wrote before i was like "man my sister had such a good time in europe, this is so weird" but now it makes perfect sense, because if she'd been with our father, it would have been a whole different story. oh and about the car- sounds JUST like something my father would have done in the past. i used to be afraid of him because he was just the same, so controlling with his money, but he rarely spends it on me except for "medical" purposes which he bitches about constantly, so i kind of stopped giving a fuck and my parents are fucking bizarre, like they scream at me and tell me to get out of their house, so i pack my bags then they start CRYING and begging me to stay (i think with people like this it might be more about feeling powerful and making threats? who knows though they used to do really crazy shit) ... i really dont know what their deal is, but it used to be more the way your dad seems to be. and i actually feel better after having read this- your dad sounds soooo much like mine, i mean thats seriously fucked up and definitely not a good thing, but i feel comforted that SOMEBODY ELSE KNOWS WHAT ITS LIKE! thats fucked up about your friends too, its like the people you think you can count on... you can count on even less than the ones you knew you couldnt. but anyway man i am really really sorry about your trip, thats just unbelievably fucked up, especially since you cant really say how it was to anyone... man i dont really know what else to say except im really sorry and i kinda know that sort of shit is and i felt like all that could have been written about my own father pretty much.
from boyhips :
oh my god man everytime i go on a trip with him it sucks SO BAD, ive never been on a trip without him which may be why ive never been on one i liked. like we'll go to the nicest most calm serene place and he ALWAYS fucks it up so unbelievably badly youd think he was doing it on purpose but HES NOT. as for it being a jewish thing... i think that could be a part of it (his relatives act the same but not as bad), but definitely not all of it.
from haroldchasen :
ah no that mouth thing makes sense i do the same thing! and i hear "whats wrong?" about every five seconds and it's like NOTHING GODDAMNIT I'M FINE! (also youre trip to europe sounded very cool, i am jealous.)
from magnifika :
hiya. missed you. i'm back on the block. ;)
from rainhammers :
aww. darling. your mom and dad. wow.
from boyhips :
ahh why was he mean to you? whenever doctors are mean to me i dont go back unless im dying cuz it just really pisses me off. also i always warn people about people i hate and know that they dont know but think are "so cool" and they look at me like im a crazy bitch and its annoying.
from boyhips :
alright that was full of typos and other mistakes
from boyhips :
oh god. i always thought this guy seemed normal (well no i never though he seemed never i guess i just never realized the extent of his "deviance") and my sister told me and i was like damn wtf, she never told me why they broke up before.
from mangotuesday :
totally free cone day at ben and jerrys! and i didn't even get one. but i hope you did.
from rainhammers :
oh, that is so nice of you to say. (and i've just started reading you but i look forward to more.)
from mangotuesday :
oh pretty miss. hate you. never! i totally love and rockets you forever. dont worry about that cd. like. at all. you can send it whenever or never. and of course i still think you're best ever. plus. my little procrastinating self can't figure out how to copy strangeparallel tapes. [yet!] andand. how cool that you will be in spain. and collin/ expatriot.diaryland.com is in spain right now too. you should totally meet up. hearts and arrows. over oceans. and miles. xoxoxoxoxo
from spocksex :
oh sweetie, id have a picnic with you any day. xo
from dinosaurs :
see if you can round up a fake ID and make your way to san francisco next weekend to traipse around the city drinking and making time for extended dancing interludes with yours truly, ms. novembre and ms. katherinhand. i can even go so far as to guarantee that we'll all be paying for our own food, you poor unappreciated dear.
from pouncer :
You are so damn intuitive and smart. So many times I read your diary and every once in a while we're in the same spot in our lives. I totally have jealousy issues and it's killing me and those around me, because I feel like everyone's out to get me. I can't trust no one! Also from my mom, thanks for your words of wisdom. Was the first book you mentioned written by Nietzsche?
from adianoeta :
eec. no more top model. that's just not a good show!!!
from mangotuesday :
disc 3?!!!! that is soooo !!!! i would love to hear that. ohmy. okay. off the top. some of my favourites. medellia of the grey skies. pennies. cherry. drown. sad peter pan. once in awhile. dancing in the moonlight cover. crestfallen. blank page. one less moment. laugh. blew away. whir. and so on. also. i would burn you some smashingpumpkins/whatever too. if there is anything you dont have. love and mellon collie.
from haroldchasen :
*your
from haroldchasen :
what's you lj?
from mangotuesday :
its billy corgans birthday for another hour and a half. in our time zone at least. what/s your favourite smashing pumpkins song? [i have ten million picks.] xo pretty girl.
from haroldchasen :
that's what i was thinking while i was reading your diary. "i don't want to be an 18 year old who is still too self-conscious to really live."
from mangotuesday :
i have so much love for you and everything you say.
from spocksex :
wow. 60+ college credits and not even 18?? thats amazing. i cant even believe yr so young, you seem so mature and stuff, and smart! someday we should meet, because when i read yr entries, they always make me nod in agreement. take care xoxoxo
from boyhips :
your mother sounds like an unbelievably fucked up bitch, im sorry you have to put up with that
from boyhips :
AHHHH it doesnt work anymore! this is terrible, i know exactly what you mean, livejournal is just impersonal and too open and ugh.
from boyhips :
yes until i remembered this wonderful page that lets you update whenever you want for free: http://members.diaryland.com/edit/addentry.phtml
from bottre33 :
You have a food allergy that's going undiagnosed. Steroids will also make your hair fall out.
from vocalfern :
thank you pretty bird <3 xoxo
from bottre33 :
Thanks! No more cold tea.
from oldfiftyfive :
Hey, I miss you. I stopped writing for a while because one day my diary was mysteriously unlocked and the contents were viewed and it was not good. So I deleted everything in a panic. I'm going to update again soon; I hope you do, too. I'm wondering how things are going in your world.
from bottre33 :
Hey, fuschia! I was wondering if there was anyway to clean out some of the old tea-love ring members who are now defunct? It's no fun to click and get all those icky "this person has been vaporized" messages. Just a thought. a hope.
from crackisbad :
the children of light and the children of the day. we are not of the light nor of darkness, therefore let us not sleep as do others, underline it, but let us wretch, we are to be watchmen! and to be sober, be serious! seriously programmed by falling short! that's how the masters do it.
from jessicamazon :
yo ma i just signed up to this sight and you can check out my diary thing if you please. but listen ma i will read more later. i just read a wittle little bit but i'd like to say you would looove this book called MASTERY OF LOVE BY DON MIGUEL RUIZ. by the way i can relate to feeling fly as hell than looking at a flick or whatever and being like oh damn i had thought i was looking gggggreat. shucks. later, jessica AQUARIUSFRIEND@HOTMAIL.COM
from boyhips :
dude yeah. i dont understand how people can go to gyms or jog down the street i go crazy just thinking about it. i especially hate when some nasty man is like LEERING for an extended period of time and everyone else just ignores it or acts like its normal.
from mangotuesday :
dear pretty picture girl. i feel the same way. xo.
from boyhips :
ha ha YES i know exactly what you mean! the thing that really annoys me is how some of them are like fucking ugly bitches with loads of makeup and bleached hair and pushup bras who arent even attractive but guys think they are.
from boyhips :
oh man no way i dont hate you at all!! i thought you already had it so i was like 'ok did i send it or not i think i did i dont wanna be dumb.' but anyway man... i dont think you look like welcome to the dollhouse girl at all, like maybe similar coloring but thats it, you are way way WAAAAAAAAAAY prettier.
from mandywarhol :
what better way to say i love you (???) http://www.vermonteddybear.com/crazyforyou.html
from redd :
im counting the days until then
from spocksex :
i want to be yr friend so bad.
from aglaia :
I kind of stumbled onto your diary out of nowhere but could hear my thoughts in your words. I think we all have doubts and confusions and no matter where were are in life (from the bottomless poor to suburbia and beyond) our own issues are never trivial. It's who we are, and the fact that we have the time to worry about all the "little" things, shows how lucky we really are--and shows we're growing, becoming a little closer to who we truly are or want to be.
from boyhips :
this life is bullshti i wish a giant comet would hit the eartjh and kil lus all
from oldfiftyfive :
i'm sorry to hear about your skin. i know how it feels, kind of - i had pretty bad skin through most of my teenage years and it is really emotionally trying in a lot of ways. especially if your self esteem is already shaky and you already feel alienated. anyway, i'm not sure where i'm going with this - just wanted to tell you you aren't alone. <3
from oldfiftyfive :
i hear ya. what sucks is that i'm like crazy in love with him. and to be honest, i'm not so sure i'd be alright on my own - i've been in some kind of long term relationship for 8 years now.
from jinkymarvels :
those are some professional, tasty looking cookies! have an awesome holiday miss fuschia, i shall write more words when i land in the east coast.
from katherinhand :
honorary sister! honorary sister, midwest chapter!
from mandywarhol :
take a hot bath. those really do something.
from redd :
you know whats weird. i used to not even thnk of meeting diaryland people in real life. they were very precious loves that i read and left guestbook messages to. but now with facebook and myspace and dot dot dot i wonder, is this all just for advertising and selling onself. i hope not. im not doing that and i dont think you are either. lately i have been wishing that my diaryland loves (you being one of them) lived close by (down the street. a town or two over. a half hour away. in some nearby city). where are you, fuschiagirl
from redd :
and one time i just wanted to say hello (to you)
from southeast :
i love lucky three because i love elliott and i love portland. we lived in the same neighborhood. all those streets and city lights and rain. with everyshot. i feel so sad and understood. and im so glad youlikeittoo. you would. i love how you get it.
from clairinside :
fuschia-- i sent you an email--i have not updated so u are missing nothing yet--u have more info in the email than is online--much love clair
from spitfire79 :
i liked that green too. but for some reason, the color keeps changing.
from oldfiftyfive :
that is a good point. what's your aim name? mine is shirazi roses if you ever feel like talking.
from oldfiftyfive :
ps: i would have more to say in response, but i don't want to clog up your notes <3
from oldfiftyfive :
i deleted that entry because i always feel later like i've been too dramatic. but thank you for being so sweet.. i'm really glad someone else understands. i think we're going through some of the same things, especially in terms of how we relate to other people. it's difficult. yes, my plans for next year are still intact. maybe by then things will have smoothed over for both of us and we can drink tea and talk. <3
from magnifika :
i haven't been keeping up as well as i want, i know. your thanksgiving sounds yummy! i am an eternal fan of cheesecake. they just opened a cheesecake factory here in pittsburgh and we went last night. it was okay...the food...but the cheesecake was the best part. they had pumpkin cheesecake but i think they were just pushing it because it was a holiday weekend or something. i got toblerone swiss almond. yum.
from vocalfern :
yeah note to self. stay away from self help books and pretend that everything is fine in my pretty little made-up existence. that means every boy i know is in love with me riiight. love to you baby.
from boyhips :
on one of the papers they gave me it said to use special moisturizing showergel and then an oil afterwards (along with the weird medication crap) and it actually works pretty good, the only super dry part of my skin is my feet. my hands are a little dry too bad not that bad, i think most of its getting better. which one are you talking about though, eczema? cuz ive only got that on my feet, the rest of the stuff turned out to not be anywhere near as bad as i thought and seems to be responding to 'treatment.' have you ever tried eurcerin itchy spray and lotion or aveeno soap and showergel or neutrogena after shower oil (god i sound like some seriously annoying advertisement but), it works really really good for me, better than any of the prescriptions as far as i can tell. but before i used it i itched so bad i couldnt sleep and it was all i ever thought about.
from boyhips :
dude i never realized how much shit like this sucks. reading your entries i imagined it was pretty bad but it like... ruins your whole life man! (skin problems i mean)
from spocksex :
whats wrong with yr hands?? im full of weird skin/body/nail tips, because im kinda obsessed.
from magnifika :
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmpixies. i'm getting it back together, girl, i promise.
from clairinside :
i haven't been here in years, and it looks like most of my diaryland friends are inactive, except fuschia--how are you? i haven't read your diary yet, but i did love the reference to clementine and joel in your profile--hope you are well. clair
from oldfiftyfive :
<3
from mangotuesday :
so pretty. this one time. when the smashing pumpkins were doing all those small free club shows. i went to see him. and he hugged me and said i was a doll. i couldn't even speak. so. was the poetry reading good or weird. or goodweird? off the subject. i saw micheal moore at this rally at my school [ps nasty] last week and it was deck. love and pumpkins.
from mangotuesday :
even though i think he's gone insane [do you read his blog?] i still love billy corgan. and i love that you went to that. i'm going to see him on tuesday. xo pretty.
from oldfiftyfive :
i really hope that you were mistaken and that he surprised you on your one year. one year is a big deal. <3
from redd :
its weird. im missing the feeling of connectedness [in general]. i know that it is probably still there.
from redd :
when i say that i know. i know this. that you me us xoxo
from jinkymarvels :
fushia, i just saw interpol on wed! it was very dreamy and solid, but i recommend get near the front because all i could see from the distance was rockstar silhouettes. PS: research this, but usually, carlos SPINS at a local venue as an interpol after-party... i'd google it. ps: sometimes you write things that totally sum up my current feelings incl. craving pumpkin ice cream but being saddened by the flavour after all. it's like a deja-vu that never happened.
from yakkety-yak :
thanks for adding me! may you blessed by a fairy!
from killingjar :
reading your achives. feel loved.
from vocalfern :
thank you baby.<3
from vocalfern :
awww pretty. what do you do with a heavy heart like mine?
from novembre :
fiction mfa! totally useless degree but very wonderful anyhow.
from jinkymarvels :
hi! it was actually comfrey. you pour boiling water over it and then mush it up and let it cool a bit, and then apply to any bruises/joint pains. i heart plants mega! but yes, aloe DOES smell macaroni-ish! good thinking!
from killingjar :
pepperment patties? eternal sunshine? new interpol? i smell the second coming of heaven on earth.
from vocalfern :
aii aii aii. i have a horrible professor, i had sex with someone who doesn't love me, i hurt my foot and had to hobble around campus all day, and i forgot to write a response to an essay. it was a bad day and by the time it was done, i ended it in a big sloppy cry. ah well. loves to you. xoxo bee
from oldfiftyfive :
freebird is the greatest driving song ever.
from jinkymarvels :
oh yes, gael is very handsome and super charming. boys before books!
from mangotuesday :
lets have diaryland craftnight! i'm so in. anditsalllove.
from oldfiftyfive :
yes. the second paragraph of this entry is something that i could've written, word for word. everything's true. our lives are probably a lot different, and you're probably more sane than i am, but still.
from oldfiftyfive :
we are seriously so much alike that it's eerie.
from spitfire79 :
i noticed you added me as a favorite diary...thanks. sometimes my entries are just...hi, i'm bored. but secretly it's reassuring to know someone is reading. once in a while.
from vocaccia :
how dare you? just stroll onto my notes page and casually mention baklava? wicked culinary temptress, now i have to go to the greek bakery to get some (again 30 mins away, why is yumminess always 30 mins away?)!! so cruel... but the sweet goodness is worth it. may tasty treats find their way to your door.
from vocaccia :
alas, i'm a good 30 mins away from the nearest good falafel. bitter falafel sandwiches are so disappointing, i think it's when they use dried herbs or fake lemon juice. hope you get your bubble tea.
from magnifika :
ha...hi. i thought i left you a note a few days ago but it must not have taken. hmmm...anyway, i'm glad we're okay, too. see? i've been writing more frequently, right? the wicca 101 class last fall was bad bad bad. the lady was crazy. she told lies about history and never got into anything GOOD. being a witch is about not hurting others, you know? anyway....i've met a new teacher now and intend to make the most of it. this lady is a well of information and a good teacher. thinking about you this morning. hope you have a good saturday. xoxo
from oldfiftyfive :
poor darling. when that happens, you should sit outside, if it's sunny out. it makes the bad dream fade and everything seems calmer.
from jinkymarvels :
hi. i just stumbled here... i too suffer from never-stopping nightmares, i think with similar themes to yours. interesting to think a complete stranger is writing things that mirror so much. huh.
from mangotuesday :
i wish you lived near me. then i could share and we could blow bubbles with the matching hot pink straws. ps. i knowknowknow how you feel. love and latitude.
from oldfiftyfive :
It's disappointing, isn't it? I read that one entry of yours and was like, oh, I know exactly how that feels. Maybe it boils down to desserts and perfume and softness not meaning much to them after all. Who knows. We're definitely worth more, at any rate.
from spocksex :
i wish i could just steal you away for awhile. xoxo by the way, i have a new diary, but its top secret. ill send you the address in an email.
from novembre :
oh you called me cupcake. call me cupcake and i just about melt. oh, thanks. xo.
from mangotuesday :
a hand to hold.
from oldfiftyfive :
A lot of my days go that way too. They're awful pills. I've been on them for so long that I'm afraid to go off. Don't you live in Ann Arbor? I go there often because of two boys I know who live there. I walk by the bubble tea place that you talk about to get to the liquor store. Funny. I've been to Rendezvous a few times. I wonder if I've ever seen you (!) I'm sorry you're unhappy. I think it's better just to leave sometimes. It's very frightening, but once you do it, your life just sort of rushes in and fills the empty space, whether you expect it to or not. I think people are better at adapting than we give ourselves credit for. I hope you start feeling better
from vocalfern :
hey babycakes. guess we have to be soulmates! ps- i just finished reading survivor- very good book! xoxo bee
from vocalfern :
cupcake you deserve something more extraordinary than that. <3 cry if you have to, write, break dishes, and sing very loud in the shower. it REALLY helps. lovelovelove bee
from fuschia :
Hey japonika (Sarah, I believe) - it's so weird that you gave me a note because just recently I found your LJ. I have one too and felt tempted to add you and all but I never do that. I always wait for people to come to me. Anyway. I would have left this as a note for you but you haven't got them turned on. So I hope you see this. Thank you.
from oldfiftyfive :
I don't know if you remember me, but I used to be japonika. I've been reading your diary for years now. Hi. I'm very sorry about your boyfriend. I think what he did is cheating. You deserve so much better. I would probably leave him, but then, I don't know what it's like to be in love with him. Either way, I'm sorry.
from pouncer :
What are you thinking?!?!? LEAVE HIM NOW!!! NOONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT, especially not by your "boyfriend". I'll tell you what the definition of cheating is: "When his heart is cheating"! That means him evan thinking about writing that stuff, but he took it to the next level and actually is doing it. Please don't let this jerk take advantage of you, you're better than that. good luck, only you can realize that you don't need that in your life.
from novembre :
1. that qualifies as cheating. 2. he's a dick. 3. he's a dick. 4. you have every right to assuage your fears if you are in a relationship with someone you find questionable. 5. you have EVERY RIGHT to just call him a DICK, offer no explanation otherwise, and just walk away. 6. he is also a sleazeball. look at what the im conversations said! 7. if i were there, i'd kick his ass for you. nothing makes me madder than asshole guys. makes me so. angry.
from mangotuesday :
first of all i'm so sorry. you don't deserve this. second of all it counts. it counts so fucking much that i feel like i'm going to throw up. all of my loyalty to you. plus a sincere stream of empathy and a longwinded story of similar circumstances. no advice. just love. [you have a way of being that is just phosphorus.]
from vocaccia :
love the idea of "escaping to Montreal for a week". i hope that bedsheets tied together, or someone pretending to be a washerwoman was involved. my fave greek yogurt is kinda low fat (4g/100g, or 96% fat free), because they don't use cream, just skim and whole milk. that's no real consolation with the quantities i've been putting away lately. Puss in boots was fantastic, especially as i was sitting next to mexican guy who i think identified a bit too much, and kept saying "he sounds dreamy!" for the next three hours. take care and be well.
from thefallofart :
username: sunkship, password: lungs
from pouncer :
Fuschia! I swear you are me in an alternate universe, one in which I can write good. You sound like an awesome girl. Don't put up with any guy putting you second, get out of there before it gets worse. Or just know that it's not love if he makes you feel like that. It took me 2 years to see that with my ex. Good luck sweetie! Keep your head up, you'll find someone that'll love you completly.
from vocalfern :
you are a good person you deserve to be loved. honey kisses and flower hugs bee<3
from adianoeta :
i wish i didn't understand this so well. [hugs]
from softblossoms :
it's called "the language and sentiment of flowers." and the margins have little delicately colored sketches of some of the flowers.
from avantbedroc :
six feet under and the sopranos are my imperative television. glad u r a six fan.
from mangotuesday :
big hug.
from mangotuesday :
dear fuschia, you have good taste. love, mangotuesday.
from novembre :
my diary is locked for the time being because i happened upon a very nosy family member. to read novembre, just say "hello" twice.
from so-dead :
is this agitated.diaryland.com?
from malpt :
This (malpt) is my new diary (nesote...remember me?). I am still working on fixing it all up though. I'm so glad to see one of my first diaryland buddies still writing and keeping touch. I have a lot to catch up with on your diary!!!!
from magnifika :
hi. i got a new job. i've been....missing. i just wanted you to know. and i still am working on a very late christmas present for you, too. but now its too late to actually use, i bet. i'm crocheting you a pink scarf....but...its nearly summer. oish. xoxo
from vocalfern :
i opened my notes setting for youuu. <3
from raven72d :
Endure... and always, always, make up stories to tell police. They're usually dull Grown-Ups with Village People moustaches.
from vocaccia :
love.
from novembre :
nope, same zine. just forgot to ask if she wanted one!
from boyhips :
idiocy
from mandywarhol :
i got accepted into uri, hampshire college, and eugene lang which i love and will probably end up choosing. haven't heard back from nyu or boston u's school of art yet but those are high reaches so i doubt i'll get in. SATs are shit, good luck with those - the only preparation i did for that was read the dictionary. are you a senior?
from mandywarhol :
something about sunsets like that are always, always important.
from novembre :
that's beautiful, especially when paired with blood orange tea. it's like you're drinking the sky.
from raven72d :
Yes-- both are excellent films. And read Davis Grubb's "Ancient Lights".
from neuroticaa :
thanks, yeah i did. i need to get more into photography, that's the first picture i've taken so far that i actually like.
from raven72d :
have you seen Exotika or Love & Human Remains?
from raven72d :
Keep writing... I'll be here reading.
from raven72d :
Thanks for the reply! I'll be reading here and looking forward to new photos... Stay in touch.
from raven72d :
I just discovered your diary. Fine, painful, thoughtful writing. I wonder what your photography is like...
from notyourbitch :
being somewhere else, i have that desire to migrate as well. and you know if you really want to go, then just go. it something i think about every hour.
from vocaccia :
mi-so happy! that's beautiful!
from novembre :
sorry it took a while. i am thee sloth. but i'm glad you like it.
from novembre :
i want to steal you away from that. good fucking lord.
from mandywarhol :
i think that your mom. and my mom. should do brunch.
from notyourbitch :
i hope you start feeling better real soon
from neuroticaa :
i read about coachella and it seems to be the closest thing to heaven i can think of. you should try to go, it's really expensive but it's the cure!!
from neuroticaa :
yeah, tell me about it.. can you imagine three consecutive days of placebo shows? i probably would have a heart attack halfway through it all anyway, but it's killing me to sell the tickets. heh - do you want one?
from novembre :
i keep trying to leave notes and diaryland won't let me. do you want a valentine? i am making some, and other assorted small things, for friends. email your contact information to enlweber at yahoo.com and you will receive the reddest little hand made and found parts.
from neuroticaa :
i locked up. username=neuroticaa, password=upthewall <3
from neuroticaa :
so do i ;D
from vocaccia :
a little too dry, and i didn't mix it very well so there are great big clusters of almonds in odd corners. pretty tasty though, and easy and cheap to make! thanks for asking, love.
from tofukiller :
!!!! :)
from tofukiller :
psst
from lissacakes :
Oh, love your diary name. That's about all I had to say.
from vocaccia :
oh dear, now i'm worried about total strangers at the bus stop telling me off for fake orgasms! (actually-- that would be kinda fun...)
from spocksex :
xoxo just wanted to give you those.
from darkfan1 :
i just came across your diary and i hope you don't mind if i add it to my favorites.
from missyx :
i am so super jealous of your hello kitty gifts - especially the toaster!
from falsefront :
um. he has, but what he really means is, AT THAT MOMENT. *shrug* right now, at this second, i don't care and feel happy anyway. we joke about it, about how it's good he doesn't write like, valentine's day cards. "sometimes i love you". ha.
from adianoeta :
this boy is so not right for you. no one should make you feel guilty about your inhibitions, and so insensitively. (i just read the sex book entry). I want to kick this boy in the arse!!!! You deserve so much more.
from saidbyyou :
whats your LJ? i want to add you.
from magnifika :
hmmm. i was wondering...can i send you a little christmas package, maybe? i'm harmless...i promise. :) if i can, email me your addy. xoxo, baby.
from magnifika :
i'm home from nashville. i've actually *missed* the computer. now talk to me. i've read up.
from magnifika :
oh, yeah....i want to come take you away from there. and thwap yer mother on the way out the door. that having been said, i had better do some meaningless work. :)
from magnifika :
so i did some catching up today because i'm at work and nobody else is here...sort of manning the office in case someone comes in sort of thing. i have to admit i got a little behind on entries and now that i'm caught up, i'm all ugh because i hate your boyfriends. hate them. i hate them because you love them so much and they don't deserve all of that love, you know? they're not ready for it. i mean...everyone learns at some point that all the love in the world can be staring someone right in the face and it won't make a lick of difference if they're so indifferent. they just let it go...like my friend brian who just broke up with his boyfriend of over a year...well, he was broken up WITH, rather...and brian has been this indifferent to love sort of person for years and years and could never understand what i meant when i said that you can't MAKE someone love you. he really believed he could, right? really. and now that jonathan is being all cold hearted and selfish, he thinks he can rationalize and mend by just loving and waiting and thats just not how those things happen. its a broken heart he ought to be trying to mend. its love he ought to be saving for someone who deserves it. its love he ought to be giving HIMSELF for a change. i hate that you've started smoking....woman, i am twenty five this year. i started smoking when i was fifteen and quit a year ago. think about that for a second: i am twenty five and i spent nearly ten of my years smoking already. thats sort of sick when i think of it like that...but i can yap and yap and its still your choice....its still your vice. so i'll stop on that one. in the end, you can't learn from my lessons...i think i've said that before, yeah? learn yours...really learn them. thats all i can offer. and thanks, too...i've got lots of that. its getting cold in pennsyvlania, just a little bit. and i'll be indoors more. there is something about winter that makes everything seem glossed with crystals that sparkle in moonlight and every singe thing seems important and singular...like nothing that came before it. so there's more to say that isn't the same thing i said before. what i mean to say is thanks for making me motivated to write a little bit again...because i was getting close to just abandoning it all, truly. *great big hug* much love, girl.
from vocaccia :
i think the scariest Mums are the ones who seem so desparate to try to be young. hope she burns her lip on some soup! and no, my lovely mushrooms are lovely with garlic and parsley and salt and pepper on buttery toast, not with giddy fun. i was kinda put off those kinda shrooms by watching friends harvest them, they only knew that they grew around cowshit after rain. they ate a bunch of bad mushrooms and what followed was NOT pleasant. give me garlic anyday. take care.
from boyhips :
there is something seriously wrong with your mother.
from spocksex :
hey doll, just reading through entries of yrs i had missed, saw the one about yr sociology paper (oct.13th, i believe). i was like "doh! if i had read it then, i could have helped her." im a TA for social deviance this semester. um, yeah. if you ever have any other sociology-related questions, feel free to talk to me! its one of the few things i know anything about.
from adianoeta :
wow! that is a weird dream! It's funny you should mention skateboards, i have this silly desire that ari will like skateboarding someday. I occassionally have weird dreams incorporating diaryland people in them too.
from imsounpretty :
♥ im so glad someone does.
from x-anxiety :
<3 thanks for signing my guestbook it.s good to know that i.m not the only person in the world that stays up at night thinking of beautiful boyfaces. [maybe you'll IM me sometime...?] thanks x infinity [xox]Jessica
from fadingstorm :
♥
from vocaccia :
always a problem when making anything from scratch-- finding out exactly what goes in there. that's why i can't eat mayonnaise anymore. i'm planning to try making vegan scones with soy margarine or maybe even sunflower oil, and lotsa chopped dates to hide any weird flavours. it should be more lo-cal, i'll let you know how it goes! take care m'dear.
from magnifika :
i haven't forgotten you, baby chicken. *hugs* and i love the bonfire pic. will write more soon. xoxo
from fadingstorm :
thank you so much sweetie, you do make sense and afterall it is just what i needed to hear. Thank you :) and the image looks fabulous! ♥billie
from leely :
youre right; colleges dont really look at your PSATs but they do send you a rather lot of information &such. i took them so i can get a look at what the other tests will be like. oh& because i like to go to school on a saturday; [duh]<3
from x-anxiety :
aw sweetie, i hope everything works out between you and your boyface. heartache stinks. [xox] Jessica
from leely :
yipeee♥
from vocaccia :
reduce crime in the US by getting everyone to leave the country. alternatives could be: disband/further corrupt the police and the crime statisticians, and i think you'd see the number of crimes recorded drop significantly (which is what they did in this part of oz 20yrs ago). or you could just get rid of all laws, so then absolutely no one could break the law. sorry, at uni anthro shared funding with sociology, so i'm too used to them being my sworn enemies!
from leely :
you & me = friends? [yes?]
from leely :
just out of curiosity; how did you stumble upon my diary? <3dee
from fadingstorm :
dont you hate it when that happens? a boyfriend becoming a stranger? it breaks my heart really bad but i guess we're not meant to be anymore. life goes on. :o( ♥billie
from hapapowerr :
oh . dear. and not in that normal way of reading it. it's sad to slowly hear how painful it is to live with you mother, who is not just mean, but has a problem with alcohol. my dad's an alcoholic. i just wanted to tell you that you're lovely today, and i loved your little note you left me long ago. and i love reading you diary and knowing how you are doing.xxoomb
from boyhips :
good to know im not alone in realizing they are horrible.
from boyhips :
i buy the generic ones at rite aid or pepback.
from boyhips :
caffeine pills
from magnifika :
i hope it wasn't something i said. :o/
from magnifika :
numero uno: woman, you're killing me here. if one boy is your best friend and he makes you happy, you've got to give him a chance. the boyfriend that is crappy to you makes me want to scream. so let me tell you a little story. see. my little brother has had a girlfriend for nearly six years. and his girlfriend reminds me a lot of you because she took my little brother's crap for so long. he was breaking up with her like every other month and he was smoking pot so much that it became more important than her...and that should never be the case. about two months ago, she broke up with *him* for a change...only its not a little game with her like it was for him. she's for real and now she's actually seeing someone else. and he comes home from college on the weekends now and acts all sad like we're all supposed to be sympathetic...but really, its more...that he's...pathetic. it took losing the best girl that ever happened to him to really wake him up. and she's not coming back. be the strong one here. find happiness...don't waste precious time being unhappy. people talk about love and wanting love...the most painful thing is to have love right in front of you and never see it til its gone. trust your instincts. numero 2: do you kids have pennysaver up there? put an ad in the pennysaver about your kitty....and find it a good home. you get so many responses that you actually can be choosy...and find someone who'll love that little furball. i digress. love you muchly. xoxo
from boyhips :
you should definitely try to return it to the petstore.
from boyhips :
ahh man, that's really awful. maybe you could give it to someone else? i couldnt even stand having these stupid bitches i knew WATCH my pets while i was out of town, let alone give them my pets.
from boyhips :
why do you have to give him your cat? :(
from boyhips :
thank you :) i think i might buy a book about pilates cuz people have been telling me to try forever.
from edithelaine :
i dreamt that a boy gave me this cat who had a blue face and cried tears. you are very sweet. i am happy you have a new kitten. i wish i knew you. i wish i knew my mother's neighborhood in michigan by heart. i am sure the leaves would be starting to change by now.
from boyhips :
i'm getting protein from them for a low amount of calories but i'm not losing any weight, so i guess not.
from boyhips :
really?
from falsefront :
who is that on your layout?
from magnifika :
be your own temple. buy yourself the presents. its funny. i remember buying this one guy things all the time. and then...he just sort of disappeared from my life for awhile-not a short while, but months, rather-and then he came back...and i remember thinking...what do you need now? what are you going to try to take from me this time? and i regretted every cent i spent on him because it was one more thing that stung afterwards...just one more thing to have to pick myself back up about. you're tender yet. save this time for you...those gifts can sometimes be the very things you'd want the boy to want for himself that are instead a reflection of exactly what he is not. its just more tangible....more physical that way.
from magnifika :
it doesn't get better...but you eventually get smarter. i just get the feeling that you know what you should be doing and i also get the feeling that you're not ready to. you'll know when you're ready. in the meantime, feel everything you can feel. unless we feel it, we don't know what our pain is for.
from falsegods :
i know exactly what you're going through, the feelings of immense hatred linked with obsession. i want to tell you that it will get better. but i don't want to lie to you.
from magnifika :
be smart, girl.
from magnifika :
yay! i didn't like him very much. *hug!*
from arewedone :
thanks..i like yours too
from so-dead :
hello. letting you know that a lot of my entries will be private in the future. talk to me if you want a password. exoh
from boyhips :
what's your name on blurty?
from magnifika :
heh. i'm not supposed to support you smoking green stuff. but i can't say i don't. did you have a good time? i'm glad you did it on your own and not with him. you'll have better memories of it. xoxo
from magnifika :
thinking of you.
from boyhips :
from everything you've written about your relationship, it sounds like your boyfriend was an unappreciative asshole who didn't deserve you at all. so i really think you should forget about him and definitely not wait around for him. you deserve way better.
from magnifika :
back from a trip away and i come back and its been maddness for you, no? a few months, she says...a few months it might last. i wish there was away to take away scars that can come in a few months. *hug* you'll be okay.
from magnifika :
i get the feeling lately that i'm the only one keeping tabs or something...that maybe i'm in this wierd place where i'm the only one who's bothered by this boy of yours. we all have to learn our lessons and we can't all learn from each others (i wish we could, though) but i wish that instead, there was a way that i could make you step aside from all of this thats going on with you...to make you hover safely over it and watch...because the truth is, love is made of many things and one of those things is respect. and if he can't respect that you're not in the same sexual place, then you need to ponder on that seriously because woman, eventually...there won't be any more hounding or taking no for an answer. and later, thats hard to swallow when you realize that it could've been prevented...or like i said..maybe...i have it all wrong. its just that...even from this far away, i *like* you and i see a lot of the way i used to be in you..and that doesn't come around too often. you can tell me to shut up, too. (and i will.) *hug from a strange stranger*
from magnifika :
i meant to tell you happy birthday. i know its late. i've been off...my grandmother had a stroke and things have been pins and needles. i wish i knew how to tell you to let him go.
from magnifika :
so you gon' hook me up with one of those fly livejournal codes or do i have to beg? *prettyplease?*
from magnifika :
because i don't get the feeling that you're happy now that you got what you want. i think its time for some heavy re-evaluation. but then again, we can only learn from what we live. don't forget to live *your* life, too.
from magnifika :
lately, i get to worrying about you, girl.
from rotfromview :
hey, i could give you a livejournal code if you want.
from rotfromview :
thank you :)
from magnifika :
hey, i like that...just go with the flow. thats a good way to be, i think. learn from all of it. just makes sure you learn....man, i wish i could send you one of these friggen' kittens....we've six of them...and i just know you'd give one a good home. i hate the thought of giving them to people that i don't think will be so good to them...at least...not as good as others could be if they had the chance....i digress. *hug*
from magnifika :
geez, woman, what happened? i'm missing you for days and then....you're so sad. whats goin' on? *the best saturday hug ever*
from shangri-luna :
hi, i really like your diary/taste in everything. i'm sort of obsessed with donnie darko, but in the healthy way. write me a note, if you want. -iris
from dernhelm :
your mother's behavior was abominable. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
from saidbyyou :
im so sorry about that. i would like to talk to you. email me please: pledgemygrievance@hotmail.com.
from magnifika :
man, every good photographer has to start somewhere. motion can be a lot of things...don't let these assignments make you so frustrated. just get through them adn try to learn technique from them. for now, take time to take your own photos...but really relish the assignments...they are a great thing to fall back on when you are having a shooter's block (a lot like a writer's block) because it can actually be an inspiration. yeah, i think thats what i'm getting at...let them be a bit of an inspiration to find things that you normally would not rather than letting them hinder your creativity. *hug*
from shaped :
please delete me from the tea diaryring. thanks.
from magnifika :
yeah, Tuna is alright. maybe when i get some pictures of her, i'll send you one. i never liked cats so much before. she's all grey with a black stripe on her back and a black tail and black paws and a black face. (so i guess thats not all grey, right?) and she's missing her front right leg...well, part of it. its sort of gross how it happened. there were seven kittens in her litter and her paw was there when she was born and it got all twisted and over time, just dried up and fell off. isn't that so strange?! her bone stuck out for a few weeks but then it just healed over. we just sort of let nature do its thing with them rather than interfere. in the end, we found homes for the other three that lived (the mom moved them off of our porch and when she moved them back, there were only 6 and two never seemed to get any food from her) and kept her. i digress...anyway, i finally saw All About My Mother the other weekend and it was soooo good...and so colorful. Definitely one i'd recommend. anyway...yeah. *hug* later.
from pushedbutton :
hi, i'm part of the diaryring you founded. i'm sorry, but i had to lock it for privacy reasons. i'm just letting you know ahead of time.
from too-ticky :
hey fuschia, i am still around just haven't written in my diary for ages, that's why it's passworded, i get paranoid thnking about it just floating around on the web... i might start writing a bit in it soon. xxx
from yoho :
"pure de-lite." i was shocked, but it actually tasted like normal chocolate.
from yoho :
ahh, i remember i bought these really cool earrings there a few years ago but they hurt my ears and rusted so i had to get rid of them. everything there costs at least twice as much as it should but for some reason i still love it.
from miscellanity :
hahaha our mothers should be stuck on opposite ends of the earth (if they aren't already) because if they got together, they would TAKE OVER and everyone would be stunted and never grow up or out or into anything. but then we could get into a spaceship and find a friendly planet and live free & sleep in hammocks every night without all the noise.
from magnifika :
man, my roommate took one of my alltime favorite pictures of a cat and added it to her project (she is a photography major)...our housecat, munchie, was sitting on her chair that she had draped in black velvet...anyway, it was sunset and she had a 'natural light' assignment...and the light was coming through the slitted blinds and it was such a great shot. tell your photo teacher to kiss off.
from vitality :
i miss you. terribly. IM me. please? coiledLIKEaFIST. (oh, and that picture of your kittenface? precious. <3)
from magnifika :
http://www.vegweb.com/food/pasta/3661.shtml (it was my first real tofu recipe, to be honest. i usually use textured soy protein or morningstar farms crumbles...so this was a nice, adventurous change. and yes, i do LOVE bananas.) until, woman.
from magnifika :
hey...have you checked out the recipes on vegweb.com? i made tofu spaghetti last night...YUM. it made me think of you.
from corpus :
shhh. <3
from secunda :
that's a lovely picture. did you take it?
from magnifika :
that was one of the best run-ons i've read in awhile. (and believe me, with the grammar of my region, i read a lot of them.) a perfect picture of michigan winter with a lot more depth. xoxo
from yoho :
zyprexa and a generic version of prozac. so far it just makes my mind kind of blank, like i know i should be upset but i just feel kind of numb and floaty, if that makes any sense. i wanted to stop taking them after the third day, but supposedly prozac takes weeks to have any effect, so who knows.
from kindergarten :
i wish i could be honest like you. but i cannot.
from letterwriter :
you are everything, my dear
from yoho :
i know, it seems almost too good to be true.
from yoho :
no, its a little different from homeschool. you go to school once a week and they give you a packet of work to do by yourself.
from magnifika :
hey. so. did you read 'white oleander' before you saw it? and was it really the reader's digest version? because i don't wanna be disappointed by the celluloid dream...i'm an infinite victim for movies never ever doing books justice. well, except for maybe lotr, but thats just...well, that was a you get what you put into it sort of deal...like...the years they took to do it was worth it. i'm just a little nervous about seeing white oleander, i guess...because...that book was mezmerizing. and my newest book recommendation is *drumroll please* The Lovely Bones by alison sebold...its like number one on the bestseller list..and, typically, i tend to avoid best seller lists at times....but this one...well, toby cried for the last third of the thing and i...still haven't stopped thinking or dreaming about it. i digress. until, baby. have a good weekend. xoxo
from pearlspill :
My new message: I did some research. We should be eating citrus and iodized salt. We should quit eating dairy. Make sure you drink purified water, as chlorine and fluoride diminish thyroid activity. Don't take aspirin or pain relievers unless you need to badly. Alcohol = OK. Don't eat avacadoes, walnuts, liver or soybeans. Get enough protein (I guess this means don't be a vegitarian?) Get a lot of potassium (yay bananas). I guess thyroid is linked with adrenal system. Meaning, breathe, excersize, sip water. Don't just drink a ton... Sip it all day long. Seafood, oatmeal, beans, raisins all are good for us to eat. Make sure you get 15-30 mg Zinc/day, and this stuff called L-tyrosine every day (don't quite know what that is). Caused by autonomic nervous system imbalance. Not sure if you know about that... but like, it's responsive to stress, so at some point the thing probably got overstressed (unless you had radiation or got lead poisoning or something)... so i guess stimulants like sugar and caffeine normally make people digest a little faster, but when you get hypo, your body starts digesting those even slower. I guess there are sugar replacements (sucanat?) you can get if you really want. Point being, it's apparently not good for you. I've been too lazy up til now to even investigate this stuff. But my skin is dry and I don't want to be chubby and cold forever. Plus it affects sex drive. Christ. Anyway.... Luck!!
from pearlspill :
i'm on levoxyl... isn't .15 lower than .5? cuz i was on .25 and went up. i feel best if i take 3 a day. which can't be good for me, that'd be like 1.5.... but eh... i don't know. don't eat broccolli or any hard vegitables. i don't know what to tell you really. i try hard to eat only fruit and eh, who knows really. someone needs to tell us though. doctor's don't even mention how you should eat differently. i wonder if your medicine is better than mine.
from letterwriter :
dear fuschia, we all have crushes on you.
from pearlspill :
girlie-- i wish you'd pay a ton of 'tention to the food you eat, the thyroid thing spans infinite plains of interrupted each individual facet of your dna picture everything bad-- possible it's like the bad is chasing the good and she's so slow, he'll always catch her ugh
from yoho :
ahhh, i was just at wal*mart and i didnt look for it there. the only place ive actually seen it is some overpriced vitamin store, and that was in june.
from yoho :
what channel? what time?
from yoho :
it's sort of the opposite for me. people constantly ask me if i like our school, i say no, and they seem shocked and ask why not and i just stare at them.
from magnifika :
hey. i was wondering if you ever use instant messenger. because its friday night. and i'm sadly bored...and aching for conversation. just a thought. my handle: serendipityjones. *hug*
from vitality :
*smiles* i adore you.
from magnifika :
you know, we two ought to start a book list. mmhm. also...have you thought about joining the debate team? something i did for a bit in high school...and believe me, i am about as shy as they come...it really teaches you to...be more....whats the word?....extroverted, perhaps. but maybe thats too strong. either way, you guys could do it together...because sometimes, you strike me as quiet. *hugs* be well, woman.
from angelabaca :
That's too funny. I read your entry about leg warmers and how you wear them because you like them and they're about to be a trend. Damn the people at fashion magazines for spying on me and then exploiting my style. damn them.
from oddball6581 :
Read your entry about "your" stuff. I've felt the same, many times. Cargo pants were mine long before they were "cool." as were khakis and funny quote t-shirts. But don't worry... They'll be mine again once they're no longer cool. And don't even get me started on bowling shirts and hockey jerseys... If they ever come into style, someone will perish. And to agree with you and a few other note-leavers... Rain is so incredibly sexy, it makes me cry because I have no one to share it with, and the one I'd like to most can never know. Love, OddBall
from magnifika :
you know, i tried to update the other night. i wrote for two hours. a lovely account of the sea and the rain and coming back into town and how cool its been around here lately...(well, until the cool wave broke and left, in its place, sweltering horrible heat)...and then, when i hit connect, it wasn't able to connect to the server and bleep it was gone. just like that. and i was discouraged. because one can only listen to so much andy williams and elvis prestley and get something good out of it. perhaps it was because i wasn't at home. using my father's computer. regardless, i shall try...and soon. because i had the best trip. and i'm feeling itchy and angsty to write. i'm glad you liked the book. until, woman. be well. PS: rain is so incredibly sexy. i walked in it just a week or two ago with my dog. the absolute best.
from hapapowerr :
thankyou for your note, about understanding. i don't know anyone else with skin problems like us. i am in love with benedryl too, everynight addiction, helping the itch and slumber. xoxomb
from vitality :
thank you! i love you! <3
from yoho :
kissing doorknobs by terry spencer hesser, crazy by benjamin lebert, needles by andie dominick, eating the cheshire cat by helen ellis, girl by bruce nelson, and stick figure by lori gottlieb. and the two wally lamb books, if you havent already read those.
from yoho :
ahh, yeah! i read it right after it came out and really liked it. brave new girl kind of reminded me of it.
from hapapowerr :
i heart you and i wish we could be friends cuz them i could have someone to talk about skin issues.
from frei :
i felt exactly the same way about prozac nation, but i forced myself to finish it during english class. i heard about her new book, but i haven't read it. i read part of "bitch" and stopped halfway through the introduction.
from hapapowerr :
i like your words. in high school algebra, i'd leave class to go pee, and just sit in the bathroom writing and waiting for the bell to ring.
from oddball6581 :
just happened to stumble onto your diary, and I'm hooked. I hope you don't become paranoid if I happen to stop in here all the time and just read my afternoons away. You are an enchanting writer, even when simply quoting Bonnie and Clyde, which was - in my opinion - the absolute best Warren Beatty performance ever. It's strange - at first, even thoug chance led me to fumbling onto your diary, I thought (purely because of your nickname) perchance you were my ex, who never uses the "h" in "Fuschia" (rather, "Fuscia. lol) After reading something like 10 entries, I was convinced. And then you mentioned your dad, and that blew it all out of the water. (Her dad's been gone since 1996) It's amazing how much two people can be alike. Anyway, I'll stop rambling now, because like most people, I'm sure you never read your "guestbook" as it could be called... I know I rarely do. Take care, and never stop writing! --The Astonishing OddBall http:welcome.to/gothicgraphiti
from yoho :
i'm actually reading that book right now!
from yoho :
i tried to send it to you, but etoast.com does not like my e-mail address, apparently.
from magnifika :
congrats, woman. *squeeze* if you want someplace new to visit, you're welcome to come see me. enjoy your summer. worship the sun.
from magnifika :
*hug*
from magnifika :
i haven't been around much lately....traveled highways and working hours. and i haven't kept up as well as i'd like but i wanted you to know that i've been wondering about you. about how you are. and. i just wanted to tell you that....schools almost over, kitten. *hug* and then it strawberries and summertime and books and thunderstorms. at least, for you, i hope so. because you deserve it. until, baby.
from magnifika :
where are you from? i'm in pittsburgh...we used to go to cedar pointe some summers. i always love the roller coaster that goes up so high you can see the lake. its the best at sunset. when the sky is purple. i could smell the wettness in the air. those were good times.
from magnifika :
i've been to nashville or i would've returned your lines....but i'm back. have you read "Spiral Dance" yet? I can't remember half of the authors names anymore...but i think i still have my copy of that....she came to our school...it might have been the ravenwolf woman....and did that dance...and the energy...oh!...the energy....incredible. when you get the chance, you might look into some religious studies courses when you get to college, woman...i think you might appreciate them.
from magnifika :
amusing about the stores selling teen wicca magic books. i actually once even saw a "teen witch:make your own in-home altar in an hour" sort of box set that came with a plastic goblet and dagger and some stupid dollar tree candles and i swear it was like...table salt. all of that for a mere thirty bucks. ah, adolescent trend. <3
from novembre :
how strange that "99" is the perfect score. and somehow i like that.
from magnifika :
indeed. full moon. *howl* lovely against that violet sky just after the sun is gone....funny thing. i have to go to a wedding tonight...the people are all getting crazy. there was this big fight on thursday night at the bachelor/bachelorette party (a long story) but i have complete faith that most of it comes with the waxing maiden. until, baby..enjoy your weekend.
from valida :
"cunt" was a marvelous book. i definitely recommend it. it made me feel kind of sorry for the boys of the world, honestly. i mean, i'm a girl- how cool is that?

it's empowering, in short. <3
from mensa :
it was on your amazon wishlist thing.
from mensa :
WHOAH. i thought i was the only person in the entire world who had ever heard of that "suicide & attempted suicide" book.
from mensa :
i don't think melissa rivers likes any of them. and that leon hall guy reminds me of my grandma.
from valida :
happy easter to you too, dear. hopefully it's been just that for you so far: happy. <3
from magnifika :
some people tried to get me to take paxil. and i did for a little bit. but. i don't like having to take things like that. and i can never remember when i need to take them...and...it just ends up being a really big hassle. i know a lot of people who take them just to take drugs...i never get that. and i know people that really do *need* them but refuse them. its a tough choice...but certainly not one your mom needs to be makin' for you. damn, woman.
from pearlspill :
um, you're amazing. when you have stuff you don't want to say, you don't get send into some creative wonderland and create things to say instead. your honesty like floors me. well, i'm already on the floor when i read you, but my bones feel more grounded. anyway, keep on... you're lovely.
from vaycunt :
huh?
from vitality :
why the sigh sigh sigh, love? xox.
from magnifika :
i need that meatless meatloaf recipe...i made this really rad chicken wrap with chix patties...the morningstar farms ones...with hot sauce and ranch dressing. they were yum. its finally snowing some here. later, woman.
from vaycunt :
urban outfitters gets worse and worse every year. eventually, they will merge with old navy and because urban navy or old outfitters or urban navy outfitters or something awful like that.
from valida :
indeed. hopefully time will take its course and heal things... but, that's the optimist in me. /sigh. be well. <3
from clairinside :
i love reading your diary . . .always cheers me up :)
from mangosplash :
i heard about that, and i decided killer dogs shouldn't be raised. my dog's not a killer dog, he's a doll.
from magnifika :
aw. i have a puppy named Verbil. she wouldn't eat you. she's kind of big....but i swear...she's sweet. she even plays fetch.
from valida :
i'm afraid of dogs too. >.<
from magnifika :
ps: turns out, i'm jeffrey dahmner. who'dve thunk it?
from magnifika :
salutations. so. how did the big move go? we got a new high school when i was a junior. we switched right in september....it seems strange...switching in february...but hey...whatever works. anyway. i hope you didn't get too lost and i'm sorry that your teachers suck ass. until, woman. *hug*
from valida :
hello. when you get the email which tells you you recieved a note, it will not be junk mail. just thought i'd brighten up your inbox a little. ;) <3 sam
from vaycunt :
yeah, i know. the picture was taken over 10 years ago, though, i believe. and russel(l) crowe is quite yucky indeed.
from vitality :
i think you are a magnificant soul and i can't wait until we are good friends and much older and even more jaded... drinking a beverage. together. xox.
from magnifika :
holy friggen' *insert many profanities*.....thats way too much friggen' work...what's your ww2 paper on? i think learning about women's roles in that period is very interesting....have you seen Life Is Beautiful? keep focus, woman....hope you're sleeping better. *hug*
from vaycunt :
hehe, you know, it looks a lot like a cologne ad.
from vaycunt :
i doubt it. it's probably from some british rock magazine or something, but you never know. i was trying to figure out how to use the image link thing so i could send it to my sister, but by the time i figured it out, i didn't even want to anymore.
from magnifika :
woman, i've been havin' some bad dreams myself. i mean...like...bloody carnage sort of deals...its all screwy and i wake up sore from tossin' and turnin' and makin' noise (i'm told). have you any sleepytime bear? that and huney always makes me sleep a little better. sleep well. *hug* --serendipity
from heyugly :
i used to love urban outfitters too... till about a year ago, they stopped selling anything but overpriced flares and these so-called "vintage" shirts that were actually just overpriced t-shirts that had been written on in pen and obviously could be found in any thrift store for about a dollar. and as for people who pee and poo in pools- i'm pretty sure most people don't poo in pools- although this one girl did when i was on swim team in fifth grade- but- i don't think that's something that someone who wants to go in pools should hear about.
from redd :
i dont know either.
from redd :
do you have an ann arbor accent?
from magnifika :
diggin' on black and lime.
from magnifika :
all of my notes...i guess i prefer to think of it as this sort of...hmmm....register of wonderful dialouges. or something. its late. i've been hanging things up in our house, finally. the walls. aren't bare anymore. hope tomorrow goes fast for you. *hugs*-c
from heyugly :
yeah! that's the same kind i have! in the light blue package. they also have these really cool meringue things that come in 10 different flavors or something. i love those.
from magnifika :
oh, man. *squeeze* you don't have to go and say all that....i...just like you.
from vitality :
i... i just <3 you.
from heyugly :
yeah, i heard. i want to see it just cuz christina ricci is in it (i love christina ricci). i know EXACTLY what you mean. i can't stand the thought of people i don't like liking anything i even remotely like in any way at all. it makes me ill. like they're raping your brain or something. i can't tell you how many bands i can't listen to anymore because of that... books i can't stand to look at. you know that show malcolm in the middle? i used to love that show. then it blew up the second season and all these people i hate started watching. i can't even bare to watch the commercials anymore. you know what's really disturbing, though? for some reason, i want to read elizabeth wurtzel's new book.
from magnifika :
god, i remember the new lunch thing. when i moved here, i didn't talk to anyone for over a year. i spent one full year of lunches reading books. they used to call me that....Books...because i went through them so quickly. i hated myself. i always felt stupid for not having anyone to sit with. but i read a lot of great things. and...is it wrong for me to suggest puttin' yer stuff down before you go and get your lunch? that was something i used to do. god. that hits home. anyway. if you need anything...ANYTHING...email me or leave me a note. columbia_@yahoo.com. be well, babe.-c
from magnifika :
are you okay?
from valida :
alright, guess who. O_O
from aware :
hey- sometimes to most anyone can do is say they relate. and i do. completely. i don't have answers or anything. just the fact that i relate- from your mom to your school issues. if it's one thing i've realized lately it's that no one is ever alone in feeling something... it's like we're all just recycling the same old emotions. i'm just sitting here reading your diary thinking- i know this.. i've been through all this before...
from scottyj :
"All About My Mother" is a wonderful film. I saw it in the theater two years ago after having watched "Being John Malkovich" and "Boys Don't Cry" before it. I was shocked that I was able to step away from "Boys Don't Cry" as I watched Almodovar's film unfold. I am glad you loved it as much.
from zima :
thanks :) i saw part of "ma vie en rose" on tv once and i always wanted to see the rest, but i couldn't find it at anywhere. saw "run lola run" too. i love the soundtrack.
from magnifika :
boyfriend says that both films are really really excellent. now. as for me. i've been dwelling on vanilla sky most of the night in my head because of some kids at work sayin' it was dumb and had no plot. that it was far fetched and bad. i guess that i liked it because it presented a lot of philosophical debate that i love so much (ie: existence; free will) and did so without being as far fetched as say...the matrix. i'm not the biggest fan of tom cruise, either, mind you...but his celebrity stature did play into the film well...i don't know. maybe check out the foreign version that was made first called Open Your Eyes. Maybe you'll be able to get past the whole tom/penelope/cameron triad and get down to the heart of the thing. sometimes, its hard to get past what we know about others (the actors) to get to what we're supposed to see on the screen (the characters). Give it some thought, kitten. Much love and warmth and happy new year to you. Love, 'dipity.
from hiddenscars :
requiem is a BEAUTIFUL movie. ultra depressing.
from magnifika :
that was my first note, you know. been watching lots of movies myself cuz T got his dvd player and other electronics moved in, finally. it amuses me to think that we've been watching the same movies a lot lately. ally sheedy is indeed the yummy girl from breakfast club and i always had this crush on her when i was real-young-like. i like my girls a little meaty, but man-o-man, she is hot even with that heroin-sleekness to her. i wish you could come here for new years. we're just getting dinner and playing Uno. and maybe watching movies. I wish your Mom was quiet when you were watching movies, too. My mom falls asleep. And snores. Oish. *hugs* Until, cat.
from core-sun :
what's funny is, i was reading your diary today right after i wrote an entry and you talked about psoriasis, and i talked about psoriasis too. ha. why are we the same person?! ;) do you live on a farm?
from core-sun :
read your diary today. your surgery story parallels jaw surgery i had exactly one year ago. almost to date. i felt a strange kinship. then i found out you liked jeanette winterson and i was impressed.
from magnifika :
hey. feelin' better? i know you like the movies and, although i've never considered myeslf to be a tom cruise fan, i do suggest Vanilla Sky. Yum. At least his girlfriend is pretty to look at...and to listen to. Anyway, when i saw it this past weekend, i thought of two things. Well, more, really. One was of my philosophy prof and the other was of you. Until, cat.
from magnifika :
a-i hope you get to feeling a little better soon. or a lot better. whichever. been thinkin' about you and worryin' about your mom. don't always edit your thoughts, girlie. and don't be scared of them. be strong, woman. we're with you.-c.
from magnifika :
gorgeous. i've been away (moving, new job, etc.) but i'm back and i wanted you to know that i've been thinking about you. i crochet. i like it a lot bit. and the cat is right about it being a good time...and easier to get than knitting at first...at least..to me. anyway, i'm 'round again and you'll be in my thoughts a lot bit from here til op day plus. be strong, kitten. *hugs* --'dipity
from angrystarlyt :
Finally, someone understands what gods Placebo are. You rock! Hail Murdoc!
from metzgerei :
you should totally take up knitting! my friends and i do it all the time. actually, if you don't yet, you should crochet first, it's a bit easier and really fast.
from syria :
tell me your e-mail address and i'll send you the password (i don't want to leave it on a note cuz my sister could find it or something). just so you know, it's mostly quizes i fill out when i'm bored {which is a lot} and excessive whining and really boring stuff like that. but it's SECRET, so YAY! and i agree that margaret is a very bad name indeed.
from syria :
sounds exactly like me (entry on 10-26-01)
from syria :
i know exactly what you mean. the american government has made me sick since i was 6 years old and it still does. i've never been to france before, but the one place i've been that i really like was central park. lots of bums and hippies and stuff, but i like it for some reason. go figure. i would be highly upset if somehow all of central park was destroyed. the whole wtc thing doesn't affect me much though. i saw it was i was 9 and thought it (they, i guess) was too tall.
from syria :
my dad thinks everything is dumb, unless it's related to science, rush limbaugh, or the bible. whenever i tell him that the bible contradicts science, he'll think up some strange excuse. like when i said, "how could someone live 900 years? that's not humanly possible." he said, "well, they probably meant months, but called them years in those days, so they meant 900 months." erk. the bible seems fake to me, but who knows.
from syria :
my parents are both "skeptics" (heh. like they always say on 'unsolved mysteries'). my dad's really closed-minded and scientific and my mom is just.... sort of dumb. i don't think they've had any supernatural experiences, but my mom sews all these awful patriotic quilts...eeek. i know what you mean about people who aren't interested in the paranormal at all are always the ones who are psychics and stuff. i was also thinking about how people on crack and acid and stuff always talk about how little green monsters crawl up their arms and people are hiding in their closet trying to kill them and stuff and i was thinking that it's very possible that maybe those things are real and taking certain drugs enables you to see other dimensions/planes of existence etc. erk well that was sort of long and not really having to do with anything... i ramble. sorry.
from wheatheart :
well not unless you go to the dentist on plymouth road. i am a dentist assistant now! isn't that amazing? a grown-up job. sigh...
from thegerm :
i feel bad for that tarot thing, ergh. don't rely on that stuff. it's like a hammer...you use it whatever way you want. it's like, umm...you use it to your advantage. you can change anything you want in your life. i love you.
from tofukiller :
i love you amoeba!
from frogface :
i've only read a few of your entries - you asked if it gets better after being a freshman - yes....I only hope it's the same in college...
from seethingblue :
after reading your entire collection of entries i feel like i know you personally, like a sister or a heroine from one of my favorite books
from terrible-shy :
I am not a friend of yours personally, but I think your diary is lovely and keen. Its truthful and light; and I can appreciate someone who isnt afraid to bring poetry into everyday stuff.
from syria :
i always wonder the same thing (about old billy bob and angelina)..... i always thought she was in it for the money, but then i was like, WAIT, SHE'S RICH ALREADY! i think it might be a publicity stunt. who knows.
from hiddenscars :
i hope you feel better soon, love. <3 sam
from syria :
last winter i was standing on my desk and jumped off, but didn't see my chair sitting right there, and i fell on the wooden top part the chair and my butt bone has been hurting ever since! i know your pain!
from aydira :
Hey I think I'm going to wcc next year too. Hmm....
from syria :
i don't know what's goin on with r kelly, man. but he's got some nauseating new song that goes "baby, this song is for real, now let me feel on yer booty, girl!" ehhh....
from syria :
i've only seen two wallace & gromit films (the checkers one and the one we watched at school, "a close shave," i think it was called), but i like them so far. gromit is so cool :)
from nesotte :
Your right. Bush's bible thumping is so true. I keep forgetting, where is Ann Arbor? I need to find where the travel channel is too. And I'm sure you have friends. I want to make friends with a stranger who has fruit clips in her hair! Awww...
from nej :
Mai KOD. Stupid Penny. She should've taken the kid to Morocco. I mean, she ASKED him if he'd go. She INVITED him, dammit!
from syria :
we rented "pecker" a few days ago, but my mom returned it before i could watch it :(
from syria :
finally, somebody else who is sick of all the goddamn american flags everywhere. my parents just put one in our window and i think i'm going to puke.
from typicalme :
Hey girlie, You know what? I didn't exactly have a dream about the attack, but I had a dream I was arguing with someone in an instant message about the attack and I typed something about national security in relation to the attack in NY and yesterday I found myself typing that exact thing in an instant message to my friend and then I recognized what it was and tripped out. I gotta start paying more attention to my dreams - TypicalMe!
from syria :
i know exactly how you feel. a year ago i used to wear plaid pants a lot and everyone would always make fun of me. now all the same people are wearing pants just like mine- except they're FLARED. the same thing has happened with other stuff too, but...ehhhh... well you don't need to hear about it. before boogabooga left me that note i hadn't specified why i thought the palestinians were funny, so it sounded like i thought it was funny that they were glad people died, so she didn't know and she thought i thought it was funny that people died.
from perdita :
hey. i saw yr name from syria's notes and read what you said and you sounded pretty neat-o (corny gay expressions are so fun to use). i read yr diary and it's coolness so i added you as a favorite. i just wanted to tell you that.
from typicalme :
Hey, I didn't get the e-mail w/ your address... could you send it to me again? Send it to TypicalMe@diaryland.com, K? Thanks!
from typicalme :
Hi there :o) Thanks for leavin' me a note. I responded to it in my notes section. Anyway, I'm *VERY* sorry to hear about your bad day and bad luck lately. Me too. I think it's something in the air. Email me with your address tho, b/c I want to send you something, k? - TypicalMe!
from syria :
oh, and about your bitchy teacher who gave you a bad grade for no reason and lost your painting- i had two teachers JUST like that in 8th and 9th grade! one of them gave me a b minus on this essay that was PERFECT and deserved an A, then gave all these shitty essays A pluses, then i had this history teacher who lost my work on purpose all the time. sorry about your picture. i know how that feels, cuz i painted this good painting one time and..... blah.... you don't want to hear it. anyway, britney spears is a goddamn hypocritical WHORE and i cant stand her!!!!!! AND SHE CANT SING!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!
from syria :
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! that's EXACTLY what my school is like!!!!! exactly! down to the trendy little striped shirts (that everybody said were "sooooo gay", till old navy said they were cool) and everything! everbody's all snobby and perfect, or if they're not perfect, they think they are. oh god, and they make us get those damn stupid divider things too!!!!!! I HATE DIVIDERS!!!!!!
from syria :
ehh..... sorry that was me before. using my name i have for this stupid fan fiction without the fans diary.
from vaselina :
i failed algebra twice, but i passed last year, so now i'm in geometry. you have to take algebra, geometry, and intermediate algebra to graduate at my school..... poooo
from nisshoku :
Where do you buy green tea ice cream? I asked the ring owner but he/she didn't reply. I really want to know because it sounds delicious. You were the second person on the list :).
from syria :
YEAH!!!!! school sucks!!!!!! i always want to sit in a bathroom stall at lunch too. ahhhh. math is POOOOOO. what kind of math are you in?
from syria :
i don't think bush will start a war... he's too stupid. or if he does start one, it will be accidentally.
from vitality :
i have a crush on a girl at school too. but, she thinks i have cooties. *shrugs* california is stinky... and its hot. too hot.
from vitality :
yay. i'm signing your guestbook and leaving a note. i so rule. i want to make sweet love to you. *gasps and covers her mouth*
from vitality :
can i spend the night? i absolutely adore cheap pornography.
from katherinhand :
hallo good luck at school keep your chin up lady you are rockin. if you want someone to do yr math homework let me know i love the math. kisses and hugs and reassuring punches on chin (in a nice way, of course. not a punch so much. a loving nudge maybe.), jenny
from redd :
message. left. i love you. dont tell everyone tho. okay?
from vocaccia :
had to give up studying psych because every lecture was an adventure in hypochondria. La Fondue restaurant? bring it on! a recipe suggested to me was dipping frozen red jelly snakes (don't know if you have them... probably contain gelatine anyway) into chocolate fondue. apparently you can shape them into interesting decorative shapes.. but the ultra sugar content is a bit worrying.
from herbadeath :
lurlene mcdaniel is a meanie poo :(
from pense-bete :
oh, i see now. sorry. clarified. makes sense. i don't care if your notes are 'too' long. i like reading them.
from pense-bete :
all the notes i leave are too long!
from pense-bete :
you have a lot of notes. i'm leaving one just because i know how nice it is to find new notes. isn't it? also, i was wondering about your bedroom switch thing - how did that come about? from my perspective [not living in your house, not knowing you or your mom or the rooms in question] it seems a bit strange that you expect her to give up her room. although a promise is a promise. not critcizing, just ruminating. uh, whatever - i have a headache. disregard this.
from vitality :
my back hurts. so badly. *waves*
from guyz-suck :
i added this site . . .it is also linked from my site and diet site . . .so, see why guyz suck, and smile a little . . .donated stories and tidbits welcome . . . . . .from clair
from clairinside :
u are NOT bad!!
from clairinside :
bracelets??
from katherinhand :
dear fuschia, you still blow me away with you young togetherness on a daily basis. i am so jealous. you are the most fantastic just-about-to-start-high-school girl in the universe, for reals.
from magnetichand :
i do adore you far too much in a teenage sort of way. keep writing. its good, makes me suspicious.
from faithless- :
i like your writing and i appreciate your thoughts on mine. i have found that http://www.freakydreams.com is a good place to go to interpret stuff, its really easy to use.
from minderella :
hello fuschia. i like your diary format of the random thoughts just kind of slathered together with *** divisions. the subject line of my email was probably jean louis.. further, my last name is mc(something) and that is my email address. how's that for attempting to remain anonymous and yet still give you my personal info? cheers.
from violetpurple :
Hi!! I like your diary. My username is a color too, which is also cool. But I must ask...where'd the fruit go? :(
from pense-bete :
if you do grind your teeth, you should be able to tell by looking at your four pointy teeth towards the front of your mouth. if they aren't pointy at all any more, and you can see a flattened surface on them pointing in a strange direction, you grind them. i wasn't really aware that i was doing it until my dentist asked if i was, because i ground away the points of my teeth completely. it's when i practice intensely - i forget and with all the tension in my body i start grinding my teeth, too. this probably doesn't make any sense because i'm really tired.
from clairinside :
how many diaries do you have?? i know if this one, diet one, dream one . . .what gbook was that??
from clairinside :
what happened to all the guestbook entries??
from fuschia :
wow :)
from shoplift :
ha! i'm leaving you a note, ma'am...first note i've left anyone. so yeah...be reading your diary, and ignoring obvious references to age and stuff, i'd say you were in your second last to last year of high school...year eleven or twelve...you command the language PRETTY damn well. taaas.

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