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Okay, now I'm really lame because I didn't know who Dave Sedaris was. But then someone reccomended a book to me and I bought it and lo and behold it was by Dave Sedaris. So I thought of you! And I know that's not exactly what you wanted but, hey, it's a start!!

from devian :

hope you had a good holiday. please update so we know you made it home ok!

from devian :

of course you know japanese! and of course i have no idea what that means. come on, i'm learing from "japanese in 10 minutes a day"! i have had no formal training. would you translate or will that make me blush? do the japanese say anything blush-worthy though? that IS the question.

from devian :

well, i didn't realize people read more than the latest entry...::blush:: :P

from loll-y :

can you pleeeeaasssse tell me where you are from its important to me to know where numberplates look like that one on your banner

from squirrelx :

Oh-my-god! Your new banner, the one about 'ass fragrance' ... it's hysterical! Best, Xtine / Squirrel X

from lostplatypus :

Man can I relate to being torn between the medicine cabinet and the coffee pot! Now that I have the preprogrammed coffee pot, I just take my "old people pills" WITH the coffee, killing two birds with one stone, you know. Oh, yeah........and those "sealed for your protection" caps? Those people should be put on the rack. Happy Birthday!!!

from squirrelx :

There's not a doubt in my mind that folks would compare you to David Sedaris with or without the 'cue card', and I'm equally certain that the day's gonna come when they'll be comparin' him to you. All your fans here on Diaryland will be able to say 'we read you when ...'. Meanwhile, we don't really need comparisons. The unpainted truth is --- you're brilliant. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X

from desertwitch :

I'm guilty of my share of fishing for compliments, BUT putting that aside: You most def do remind me of Sedaris with a touch of Maupin -- the latter because in some entries you have the knack he has for telling a funny story in the near recent past which sneaks up at you from behind and pinches your heart. Hmm, does that make sense? Anyway, fish on!

from wifemotherme :

I just remembered who you remind me of!!! Robert Fulgham and not just because of the hairy knuckles!

from wifemotherme :

OK i admit I am not the most educated person on the planet, and I dont have a hairy clue who David Sedaris is but guess who you remind me of...... Listen dear you have 42 entries and you have 97 people who list you as a Favorite already. This is not because your layout is cute. Me thinks David Sedaris could not do as well.......who ever the hell he is. I dont sign guest books often, I dont dish out complaints and I cant write for shit, but I know great writing when I see it. Uncle Bob is ok, Dave Berry is pretty good......but your really great. Now I have to go find out who in the hell David Sedaris is.

from bmoviemaven :

there's not a man on the planet, straight or otherwise, who doesn't revert to the fetal position when he's emotionally or physically under the weather. i do, however, envy your decorating savvy. i could use a few lessons.

from desertwitch :

Tests do suck -- another deep thought from yours-truly. And Myra and Talula are most definitely the only kind of children I yearn for! If I ever get my own space again! Am so TOTALLY looking forward to being the crazy old "spinster" with the 25 cats!!!

from lostplatypus :

Sorry about your exam. I know cliches suck and all, but........this too, shall pass. Oh, yeah, and .......the best is yet to come!

from kjizel :

I'm convinced that tests are the creation of Satan... if there is such a being. I'm sure you did okay though...

from saranade :

If you didn't hate kids so much, I'd offer to have your baby.

from desertwitch :

GOD am I glad to hear someone else isn't getting sleep tonight!!! I keep having ugly visions of not only Mary Bono getting another term as Congress GOP whoreslave but of a sellout pendeja named Bonnie Garcia winning our state assembly seat. So then we'd have this two-headed Medusa thing whoring away our rights and our tax dollars to their right-wing pimps! Oh, and did I mention I start my new job in about 4 hours???? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

from lostplatypus :

Ok - when are you publishing your first book? I want to know so I can go stand in line now. You just get better and better with each entry.

from desertwitch :

Where can I learn to tell a story as wonderfully as you? And boy do I need to find a man as fun "to play with" as Madison's!

from facepunch :

you, my friend, are F U N N Y. i think you should go on trading spaces and bitchslap doug. give the man a run for his money. you know.

from anorexicbird :

I wanted to give you props on the marvelous job you did in your living room. It was like watching one of those home decorating shows minus all of the boring commercials and useless chit chat. I enjoyed what I've read of your diary too. Which I will come back and read again. When I'm not half asleep. Cheers!

from lasirene :

Wow. Here I was, sitting in my office knee deep in payroll and self pity because I have the most horrible flu that's cursed me in recent memory, and because I don't know if this is the last weekend I'll be doing payroll for my staff, who I love and cherish. And then, I read your entry about working in the old folks home when you were a teen. My entire universe, all my worries, just crumbled away, falling down a bottomless abyss, replaced by the delicate beauty of your words. Like a thousand silky roses falling from the sky. Rose petals caressing my cheek, a thorn pricking my skin, part lovely, part painful, but all beauty. I haven't read another entry yet, but I can tell you that I'll definately be back. Take care, and keep writing.

from fireflea :

Not only an enormously talented writer, but with a beautiful knack for home decoration too? I wish I had a tenth of your skill...This old apartment I live in has the most tacky retro italian decor thing going on, and I'm pretty sure the brown tile floor alone is sucking my will to live. Are we going to see you on Trading Spaces some day? =)

from eve-elle :

you are an amazing breath of fresh air. i am in awe of your amazing writing. (i would also like to thank orpheus down for recommended you.)i wish you the best of luck, keep up the good work, you obviously make everyone so proud. thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us!

from bi-n-proud :

I stumbled in from a banner ad and have been reading a bit. Your diary is great! I added you to my favorites and I'll be sure to read often.

from devian :

hello! no, i'm not kidding about tori's new album. it came about very suddenly i think. i didn't even know until i went to her site one day and it talked about it. now, the band is STILL there, but they're very subtle...not like "venus" or "strange". the piano is still a huge focus, but there really aren't many solo parts. eventhough, it's consistently lush and warm. there aren't any loud, annoying parts to it like her other albums had. it flows very nicely and is a great album. **** (four stars) :P

from desertwitch :

You made me cry again. Thank you. You've put into words something that I can't quite grasp or maybe can't deal with the consequence of grasping since my father passed away.

from desertwitch :

It is an honor -- and that ain't hyperbole -- to be listed AND quoted on your favorites. I love your diary, and I did a little arhythmic dance when I saw it! And your writing style reminds me definitely of David Sedaris with a touch of Armstead Maupin. Again, mil gracias!

from jessicasarah :

searchng around diaryland, I come across your site, and see your remodeling pictures (very good redecorating!). Your site is very well put tongether. Your entry, Extra Virgin made me cry today. My grandfather was in a home, and every time I vistied, there was always someone there with a new, fascinating story, and I could not help but get attached. But I had to face the unfortunate reality f why they were here. And it hurt. You're a beautiful story writer even if the story is true. :-)

from justbegun :

WifeMotherMe nominated you too early. She should have waited until you wrote the 'Please tell me I'm better than you' entry. I forgot it was 4 am when I was reading it and nearly woke up my whole house with ringing laughter. And that just after wiping away my tears over the 'Extra Virgin' entry. I've just started here, but I've added you to my Favs. I feel like it's the polite thing to do to let you know, so I am. And don't worry about adding me to yours. It's pretty lame just now, all about boys and what I'm going to do next year. I mean, I like Naomi Klein, but I don't get mad when she doesn't read my articles in the campus newspaper. Keep it real, cause it brings happiness to so many when you do. *how twee!* e.

from devian :

as always, another blissful submergence into your beautifully crafted sentences--i adore your diary. just adore it.

from evangeline :

Oh, my. They have backhouses in Missouri, too, and a few that I know of in Ohio. (There's one two doors down from my grandparents' house, here in suburban St. Louis, in fact, and it is an EXACT replica of the bigger house up front.) I am desperately fascinated by them, as they look like little dollhouses. I want to rip the roofs off of them and say "No, no, no, the couch goes here!" while humming children's show theme songs to them. (I apologize - I've never found anyone else who knows what backhouses are...I'm so overjoyed...)

from desertwitch :

Thank you for making me laugh (again), and for making me cry (Mr. Big News link). You are beautiful.

from taurus-virgo :

It's so pretty! Absolutely gorgeous, I want my living room to look like that! But considering the fact that I'm thirteen, it's not like I have a choice now is it? Oh, but it's so so pretty! I'm sorry, I have so many issues. Don't ask me why, but I have tears in my eyes, I'm just so happy! Ah...The joys of being 13...you can cry or yell or laugh or be jovial, and you won't even have a reason for it, and people will still accept whatever you say as an excuse. <3

from gaygamer :

Cool pictures! You should do a make over programme :)

from un-bad :

Those are really nice drapes. I wish I was handly like that. It honestly looks like a whole different room.

from devian :

your last entry about made me cry. and i don't cry. my first job was at a VFW and all the ladies that worked there were in their 60's, 70's and 80's and i grew very close to all of them and my special lady would hang out with my mom and her husband, playing cards and coming to my b-day parties--she was a huge part of my life. and one day, my mom called me and told me geri had died. but we didn't find out until over a month after it happened, so i couldn't even go to her funeral. it wrecked me as i didn't know many people to die, either.

from devian :

"i loves harpo...god knows i do...but i kill him dead fo i let him beat me!" i'm glad you liked "headshots". the entire album "nine objects of desire" is AWESOME! check out "caramel" and "tombstone", too. very cool songs. the whole thing will rock your fucking world, though. :P

from desertwitch :

Dang. I was also stupid enough to list a certain diary on my favorites because of the dry humor and precise descriptions in the first couple of entries, then the next day went into his archives and found a nauseating little diatribe on my very own ethnicity. I felt very stupid for assuming that anyone who writes that well must also be human. It's a relief to know that even a sharp actuarial minde : ) like yours can make the same boo-boo! Much love!

from goddess001 :

Hey "Gayfraud" I recently read your diary after I clicked on your banner. I just wanted to tell you I think you are very talented and very funny. You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself and you should try to write a book. You remind me of David Sedaris, and I think you could go a long way. I hope you do well on your test. Love from Goddess001

from wifemotherme :

Thanks Dude! I feel all celebrity like for being linked from your diary. I got more hits from your sight in one day that I normally get in a week. Humph! No, You do not have to list everyone who adds you to their favorites. Only the ones who submit you for an award or something.

from mangus :

wahoo I got my name in your diary! How painfully cool am I?? Ya know, everytime you write about driving through NJ I'm always reminded of driving from Boston MA to MountainSaide NJ to visit my grandparents when I was little. My father is very much a Boston driver and I always throught that I was going to die as we zipped through the lanes of traffic in NJ. My very short life would flash before my eyes a few times in a row, just to make it seem longer and a bit more fulfilling. Ah sweet childhood memories

from goodlovin :

i didn't add you to my list of reads just so you would add me, i added you becuase i like your diary. so don't feel bad or be in a rush to read me. i can assure you , however, that i am not a nazi sympathiser, racist, or any of the other things you mentioned. i will admit thast i cannot spell any better than dan quayle. sorry.

from lostplatypus :

I'm so thrilled that I found your diary. It is a constant source of laughter and thorough enjoyment. Thanks for being so FABULOUS!

from oreo-child :

Thank you very much. Actually, I miss the old Philly, skater boys and homless too. the LOVE Park, had been 'revamped',i.e.: Small, wooden benches and pink 'marble', Homless people and skateboarders chased out, and a security guard placed to remind them they're unwanted. Sucks doesn't it?

from kstyle :

oh, and thanks also for the loooooooong visit!

from emeraldblaze :

Hi, I realized that I was mad at people that would view my diary but never leave me a message. Silly me! I relized I do the same thing. So here I am changing my ways :o) You have a nice diary, and anyway enjoy and keep updating.

from kstyle :

wow, that was FAST! thanks...michael

from kjizel :

Seriously you have one of the best diaries on dland. I'm an �bergeek of math in training... which means: STILL IN COLLEGE... but yeah... great diary... math!

from gwydion10 :

someone else who loves david sedaris!!!! bliss!!! *dances around with glee*

from wifemotherme :

Oh hush up. Your going to win. Unless someone submitted "Who Put That Mu There?" in which case "Someone hugged me today" will lose. But losing to yourself is not so bad is it?

from heidiann :

See, I always tell myself, "don't click on banners, Heidi." because I will no doubt get sucked into yet another diary I will be forced to read daily. But I went and did it. And it happened again. You're great and I'll be back. =)

from devian :

"you wanna dead son-in-law, miss celie? then you keep on advising him like you doing." :P i too love "the color purple" and suzanne vega. my favorite song by her is "headshots". great diary. i'm putting your diary on my favorites so i don't forget how to get back to it.

from lostflame :

amusing :)

from facepunch :

it could be worse. you could have flashbacks of that scene in "arachnophobia" where that giant muppet-like spider is on fire and attacking jeff daniels. big animatronic spiders are REALLY scary.

from rockymtrangr :

Recently started journaling myself, and am truly impressed with your style/humor/life. I was laughing out loud at your Satan story...folks in the office were looking at me like I "have other things to do", but I couldn't stop. Keep up the great work!

from taurus-virgo :

Ah, don't listen to Radiantspice...She doesn't know what she's talking about. Smoking's bad for you...You want you're lungs to turn all black, nasty and...oh screw it. After three years of D.A.R.E. I'm programmed to say that. Go ahead...Take a drag. Just make sure you tell me before you die of lung cancer, k? I don't want to spend my stupid days going, "Hmm...It's been months since [Gayfraud] updated...Did he go on a trip?" Yeah, a trip to the Six-Feet-Under-Hotel on Graveyard Blvd. Oops, did I say that out loud?

from taurus-virgo :

Haha, you are a geek. But I love you for it. Is it okay if I'm madly in love with you? Despite the fact that you have a boyfriend, live so so far away...And you're, like, twelve years older than I am...Hmm...Oh well, I love you nonetheless. YAY! ~Kayla

from orpheusd0wn :

Oh yeah, that old silly theory. Being a geek doesn't make you boring, but it's a risky business eating at McDonald's in Manhattan. I've heard it can get you sent to Culture Purgatory, so be careful. But if anyone asks, just say it was all you could afford at the time, and people will understand. You are hilarious, nonetheless.

from wifemotherme :

Since I fear I have rained the idea of fatherhood for you, I nominated you for a direst award, it was the least I could. You dont mind do you? I nominated "someone hugged me" at http://diarist.net/awards/ for the comedy award.

from radiantspice :

give in to your old friend. we all know you desire him. just take a drag. one drag. won't hurt, right? (and when you die of emphesima, everyone can point their center finger at me)

from wishiwasout :

You know who you remind me of...? David Sedaris...maybe? Well, whether or not others can agree, I must say that I thoroughly enjoy reading your diary. I am now a follower. Oh yeah...one more question. You really don't want to be exactly like David Sedaris, right? Afterall...does anyone really WANT their father to eat "fruit" that has been aged beyond recognizability?

from chaotic-mind :

hey! i have a 6:31 as well. 'cept it's 9:11, and 4:20...no, im not on crack(4:20, bob marley...yeah, anyways). its just everytime i look up ts either 9:11 or 4:20. freaky...oh, and the traffic thing? here's another theory. The Paranoid Crackhead it's the government, man. they're just, like,messing with your head, dude. all those cars in front of you? they were government agents, man. they were like, tootally covering up and alien landing, man. hey, wait, how do i know YOU'RE not an agent? stop looking at me! AH! THE END IS NEAR!!! RUN AWAY! Erin

from edduhduh :

Holy Sh*T. I have a 631, only it's 715 for me. I see it everywhere. Time, address, songs. People call and say, let's meet at so-and-so at 7:15. I just scream and hang up.

from dyko :

Hello Mr Fraude!! I read all 28 entries of yours and I'd just like to point out that you're even funnier than Dilbert. GO the Office life!

from jenne1017 :

Go you, go me! Hey Hay Hey!

from desertwitch :

Your nothingnesses rule!

from oceanwaves9 :

I enjoyed reading your diary,I went from crying to laughing my ass off, thanks for sharing.

from carlilly :

hahaha...today was my birhtday and it sucked and reading your funny diary [which i consequently found through clicking on your funny banner] really cheered me up. thanks! xoxocarly

from fireflea :

I've never had more fun reading someone's diary than I did today with yours. I laughed, I cried...it was inspiring. You're fantastic!

from scanzilla :

Dear Lord! I nearly pissed myself when I saw that ugly person picture! Too funny! Oh wait, I did piss myself, nevermind.

from wifemotherme :

I had to scoot Uncle Bob down on my list of funniest Diarist on DiaryLand to make room for you. I am not original enough to think of something spiffy to say so I am going to second Treedancer "A complete pleasure to read." I will forgive you for making me cry since you managed to crack me up thru 25 of the entries.

from addicted2ski :

I have a great idea for your end-of-entry catch phrase: "Ain't that a whoopin'?" It's something my grandpa used to say all the time. I try to work it into conversation whenever possible.

from treedancer :

Hi, arrived here via your rather cool looking banner ad. The ability to cook a magnificent apple pie, *and* make me laugh out loud? A complete pleasure to read. *grin [29/09/02]

from wildgirl34 :

ah...Hiidy :) well, I was going through my own diary and your banner popped up so I decided to visit. Don't feel bad about that coworker, just keep smiling and everything will work better in the morning (well...that's what my momma told me, doesn't actually WORK but still, it's something you can say for syampthy) anyways, cool diary :)

from gaygamer :

Ok, Just two points. 1) Having 25 visitors a day is nothing to moan about, and 150. Oh my god! The best I ever managed was 77. So, 25 without adding an entry is a monumental achievement. 2) Your entry made me laugh, so even when you aren't trying to be funny you are...hehehe Go Fig....Doh!

from carlacrow :

Damn, that's a yummy-looking pie - can almost smell it :)~

from alicewonders :

Would it be so wrong for me to love you? Gawd. You are just fabulous. (Please send my pie next day air. <g>) xo~Alice

from tmb :

"See the stress vein in my neck popping out and the tension in my arm as I teach that parsley a lesson it�ll never forget?... The result is this beautiful and tasty apple pie that I made entirely from scratch" I read these two sentences together and thought "Where the hell did that apple pie recipe come from?" Then I realized that perhaps the parsley was for something else... Regardless, you're making me hungry!

from catalepsy :

hello, my name is keighlen....i am bored, your banner was at the top of my screen as i was writing....i clicked...i read...and here i am bye oh yah by the way i like your diary

from bellehiver :

(replying from your note) ... Did you say purple? o.o purple hair down to your waist? *whimpers* I hate you, in that jealous 'why can't I have that' sort of way. XP And I *would* marry you, but I've got a bf, and you've got a bf, and I already told my friend Raymonda I'd marry *her*. *sighsigh* I can imagine you having kinky monkey sex with your bf, tho, right? ^___^

from alicewonders :

YOU are fabulous. Your writing is witty and energetic and engaging and... well... fabulous. I will be back to read more when people are not bugging me to spend *quality time* sitting on the couch watching a movie with them. Okay, it's actually not a *them*, but a *him*. But regardless, today he is annoying me enough to be a them. xo ~Alice

from bellehiver :

You're funny. ^_^ I just found your diary, and that's my ultimate opinion of you as of right now. :P Wish you had AIM or something. Be fun to talk.

from taurus-virgo :

I wish I knew who David Sedaris is, can someone help me here??? And don't worry, I'm not stupid, author...::making "author" a mental note::. Alright...next?

from ragnarok7 :

hey, i don't know you but i just read your profile. strangely enough, you do remind me of david sedaris! mission accomplished.

from my-reviews :

Hey man, sorry that it took so long, but your my-reviews diary review has been posted. Have a wonderful day.

from taurus-virgo :

Hey [GayFraud]! Could you do me a favor?? Read my entry entitled "Dear God." It's a poem I wrote and I need for someone to tell me what they think of it. I'm so lost right now...However, I find it ironic how I wrote this poem, considering I don't believe in the Christain god...Don't you?

from tmb :

"Sometimes, scaring obnoxious straight people to the core of their being makes it all worth it." What a great line - now you've proven yourself as quotable as David Sedaris!

from orpheusd0wn :

See, they should include packets of salt with every copy of the Wall sold. I love the new layout, and don't let Pink Floyd get to you. That movie, albumn, and concert are ultimately little more than bonding fodder for druggies and intellectuals. Blessed, sweet, gorgeous bonding fodder, but who would have seen the need to bridge the gap had Roger Waters not?

from taurus-virgo :

Sweet page design. The letters are some form of Greek or something, aren't they? I think I've seen letters like that before. Anyway, I'll TTYL. Ciao!

from tmb :

Great new page design!

from gayfraud :

I have a guestbook?

from orpheusd0wn :

Good evenin'. I tried to sign your guestbook, but I couldn't get the link to work. I've read your diary, and I love it. Do keep it up, your perpective and humor are marvelous, I'll look forward to reading more. Congratulations on the breathing bit, too. Take it light.

from taurus-virgo :

Hey, read my lastest entry. It's something that's been on my mind forever, and I finally found a way to say it. Well, hope to read soon. Peace!

from taurus-virgo :

So my #1 favorite diary. Everything you write is definitely extreme! Keep it up, and keep making me laugh. Thanks! I love your writing! :)

from hanknbg :

That last entry was powerful! Let's face it..men are pigs. Yes they are.

from tosborne :

I'm not particularly familiar with the actuarial exams you described a few entries back, but I don't doubt a single word you said about their toughness. A close friend of mine had to take a series of exams in order to become a certified financial planner, and those nearly killed her. I am sure the actuarial ones are much, much worse. I myself took a certification exam to be a Senior Professional in Human Resources and the exam was so bad I was ready to bomb the testing service. I figured the only way I could pass would be if the passing score was three right! Yet, I actually did pass, and with a pretty hefty score...and only about 50% of the test takers did pass. I figured it was much worse than a bar exam (I did go to law school for two years, so I have some frame of reference for that one), but I believe the bar exam is three days long, so I know my exam really didn't compare. But oh God, what a bear. So you just keep at like you're doing, it's worth it. Actuaries are awesome!

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