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I've been reading your diary since I clicked on banner awhile ago. As a returned missionary who got a little beat up by her own church while on the field, I've been struggling with God and religion ever since returning home. I was taught a very conservative Bible-based theology since I was young. We knew all the stories, even the obscure ones, were taught health and prophecy, everything, really. But while I was in the field, theology didn't sustain me-- it couldn't. It was empty. I heard these sermons: http://www.puc.edu/Departments/Media_Services/recordings/09-27-10-02-2004.php and couldn't believe that this Jesus and his teachings were something I HAD NEVER HEARD, despite my long and active membership in the church. It absolutely blew my mind. After reading your entries, I'm wondering what kind of a take you have on these sermons. Obviously, I don't know you or have any idea of the restraints on your time, but if you have some time, listen to these and let me know what you think. You seem to be a balanced Christian, a real one, in ages where religiosity prevails over what Jesus actually taught.

from nerimon :

With your banner, 'Why do Christians have to ruin everything?' I laughed and clicked, preparing myself for some religious bashing. What I found instead was a pleasant surprise to me. I suppose I would define myself as agnostic, only because I find 'atheist' too restrictive; I'm not going to rule out any higher possibilities, I just don't think they're very likely. I also worry that the majority of Christians who believe, do so out of fear. They think if they die, and it does all turn out to be true, and they end up in hell, they'll be gutted, so they do so simply in case. In your first entry you mention over-emotional Christians with no rational responses to your questions, and that certainly sums up my experiences with the faith and its followers. However, you seem like one of the more sensible ones, so I would be grateful if you could clarify a few things for me - I mean this with genuine sincerity, as I wish to learn and see a positive perspective on Christianity for once. You spent your last entry apologising for all of the ... is sins the right word? All the discrepancies, I guess, that have hindered the way you should act in your faith. But to me this simply demonstrates a view of life that is incredibly too demanding, out of date with modern political and cultural views and lifestyles, and - I apologise for saying - doesn't have any proof to begin with. I only apologise because I respect you and your views, as I hope you would be able to understand where I, in turn, am coming from. What I want to know is what draws you to the faith, that has left you so neglected by humanity in the past when you have questioned it. As you said, it may be more than the "God hates fags" sign-posters will think ... but isn't that sign a statement of truth? I observed while you said the signposters were wrong ... you didn't defend or try to contradict the statement. It's those kind of side-steps that I feel are totally in sync with the kind of responses you yourself received when you were younger. Take care, and I look forward to hearing from you and what you have to say on this matter. Alex 'nerimon'

from being-katie :

I clicked through from your banner, and your writing drew me in right away. I "grew up" Christian, left school and went straight into ministry.. sadly, nobody in Church cared enough to ask why I cried through every single sunday service, and I found that it's easier to get sex on the street that a hug in Church. I'm reading your entry "I'm Sorry", and I'm sorry too... I'm sorry that I can't find God through the Church and I'm sorry that I can't find a way to trust Him with my broken heart again. anyway.. I'm getting on with life (far from Him) but I related to you and wanted to let you know your words had touched a part of me I try to ignore. Hope you don't mind if I add you and keep reading.

from scorpi07 :

I liked your banner, so I clicked. I like your writing, so I'm adding you. Keep on keeping on and have a wonderful day.

from suzza :

I'm betting a lot of those words could have come out of almost anyone's mouth whose feet touch the ground. As others have said, it's not for me to forgive. I'm quoting you, briefly.

from zuzus-petals :

With regard to your apology... it's interesting. It gets me wondering what you hope to accomplish by it. On some level, I doubt your sincerity. On some level, I view it as a confession, yes, but it doesn't really sound like there's a sincere desire to be forgiven. The desire seems to be on the confession part. Which, I don't know, I think just makes you something of an exhibitionist. But perhaps if you've deliberated on the idea of forgiveness (what is it? Have you actually seen it? What does it look like? How do you know?) you've come to recognize it as an ongoing process, not some singular event - and it has nothing to do with your reader, but rather some relationship you have with yourself and your values and how you reconcile betraying yourself on fundamental and core levels. It sounds, from your confession, that you have. That sucks mostly. I wonder what cathartic moment or sublime epiphany shed light on those betrayals - how it could be that the light suddenly comes on and what inspires a desires to repent all at once to an unknowing public. You can say, "it just a sincere apology" - yes, to what end? To demonstrate the ability to self reflect. I believe that your faith in God is good. And I believe that if you were really a good Christian, most people wouldn't know it. And you could counter, "well, see, I'm a 'bad' Christian." And I'd wonder, "well, what's so interesting about that?" This confession and heady rambling just all seems too easy. And that is my honest reaction - Zuzu

from leesmry :

oh, and have a look at my entry 'love God with your hair your head your shoes and smile'(1st Aug 2006). I think those kids got it 'bang on'. Maybe that is what Christians should do.

from leesmry :

"Christians aren't perfect - they're just forgiven".

from dinosaurorgy :

I guess that I'll just have to add you to my list because your entries are just too interesting to not add you. I'm sure that if I don't I'll kick myself later when I'm searching for your diary again.

from bunnysuit3 :

I don't know what this site is all about. I have no idea on the backstory, or what name you were formally posting under. It is interesting that you would choose to run a banner on your first entry. You seem to at least have some understanding why so many people (including myself) loathe those who call themselves christians. Hypocrisy and self-righteousness are tiring, and judgementalness is never attractive.

from wifemotherme :

I am sorry you mistook being Christian for not being human; for lacking human emotion, action, thoughts and reactions. I am sorry that you perpetuated the MYTH that being Christian means one must be perfect, infoulable and unhuman. I am sorry you think "Christians Ruin every thing" I am sorry you think your forgiveness needs to come from diaryland or man.

from catpewk :

Is there any chance I could use this as an article on our website pagannews.com? If we could add some backstory to it, (i.e. how this came about) and then give you a link back to whatever site you choose. Let me know :)

from candoor :

though I do not know enough to understand the full concept of your new diary and I have no idea who you are and don't have tme for research to find out enough if such info is available, I find myself thinking the following thought after reading your banner and words... you can substitute "Control Freaks" (or a less harsh term perhaps) for Christians in your banner for it is the zealot activity to reach beyond one's own spiritual journey in an attempt to change, interfere, effect, or control other people's lives that is fundamentally wrong with religion... but then, here I am suggesting that religious zealots change the way they live their lives so am I any more right?... judgment of others, inand of itself, may be where the true conflicts and errors begin... in any case, I hope your self-flaggelation and guilt trip doesn't last too long as there is not all that much time in corporeal life to enjoy yourself and I hope you enjoy your life free of negativity and complications as much as possible because I think you and everyone deserve that :)

from penmaster :

I'm not going to jump into the melee; I just thought that your banner was cute.

from life-my-way :

I appreciate your apology and hope I will think of you the next time I see a "Christian" decrying this person[group] or that faith [or lack thereof] with his/her WWJD t-shirt on [who would Jesus decry?]. I'm looking forward to seeing more like you speaking more publicly and trying to save our nation and our world from zealotry in all its terrifying guises.

from daath :

I think it takes continual humility and self-reflection to adhere to what seems right and just. I admire your confession. Somehow, in my experience, faith seems to grow strong through that sort of doubt, reflection, and readjustment. I wish you well.

from daath :

Fudamentalism by any cloth is a blight on the landscape, especially its Christian variety because I have to deal with it. Its an at-its-essence well-meaning blight, but one inevitably misguided by ignorance and corruption. Don't get me wrong, I fitfully giggle when people tell me "fags" belong in Hell and corrupt morality right alongside loving one's neighbor and eating chocolate bunnies. But if it comes down to their worldview blocking my sun, I agree: they are ruining a perfectly good democracy by electing politicians whom will only give lip-service to their demands while acting against their, and my, interests.

from coldandgray :

I don't forgive you.

from mugwhump :

Of course I forgive you. I am not your judge and have no right to hold anything against you. Besides, I would be a hypocrite if I said I hadn't done any of the same things you listed for yourself.

from minstrelite :

As far as I'm concerned, you're forgiven for all of the things you're sorry for, but I think you're right on the mark about it being about healing. I'll pray you and I both get on the path toward wholeness, and that we will wish health, healing, and happiness for all.

from stellamane :

I admire what you have done, maybe not in the form but the essence of it. A retrospective of your spiritual life and how it has affected the rest of your life. I could give my own suggestions but they would not really mean anything since i don't necessarily know the circumstances or let alone, know you. But I will say this, you shouldn't apoligize to christians, or to jesus, or to god, or your family, or anyone; except yourselve-for not truely being yourselve .

from prolifique :

I accept your apology and offer my own, for many of the same reasons you listed. I am not necessarily Christian, but I am trying to become a better person by my own definition, and your entry helped me to see some of the "sins" of which I've been guilty, myself.

from poetlucia :

In Psalm 103:8-9 It says "The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy. 9 He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger forever." I am proud not to be a religious person because I feel it leads to discrimation and prejudice. I consider myself a spiritual person. I have my personal relationship with God and am always working on it. I think I am pretty open and liberal on alot things. I try hard to be understanding and non-judgemental of others. To me God is love and I try to love everyone and treat them how I want to be treated. We have sins and wrongs but it is our ability to overcome them, ask forgivness and learn from our mistakes that makes us better people. I love your writing and sometimes it helps for us to write our feelings and emotions down. I have a married sex diary where I write about my married sex adventures, most people get offended by that, but they don't know me or how I treat people on the day to day or what I have overcome and why I am proud to share. Your entry to me is beautiful because I see the love in it and that is awesome.

from anonymous69 :

haha i modestly accept your apology. though in my opinion, we are not the ones you should be apologizing to as you should be doing to god: one on one. you know exactly what i mean. and God is it a good feeling.

from all-for-not :

no you dont know me and no i dont practis as much forgiveness as i do spelling

from mahabbi :

Have you read "Blue Like Jazz"? There is a section in that book that your post reminded me of. Thank you for saying what all Christians should be saying. May God bless you for your honesty and openness.

from joiedv :

Being a Christian does not imply that you are perfect, only that there is a standard that you are trying to live up to. Keep trying, it takes effort. Forgive yourself, as I am sure God will, and start over. Do your best. That is all we can do.

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