messages to hungry-hippo:
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from lyyn :
It could be viewed as a waste of a year, but like you said, you were also thinking of ending it. It's for the best. And better now than in a few more years. But still, breakups are never fun. I caught up on some past entries and it seems like this relationship taught you a lot, and that's never a waste of time or energy. It will make you a better partner for the next guy--who will hopefully also be better prepared! :)
from thebeesknees :
If there's not a base line physical attraction, probably not worth it. While I think someone can become more attractive to you over time, I don't think you can invent that spark from nothing. I tried it a few times with friends when I was single, and it never worked out, and just got messy. Go with your gut.
from readnglst999 :
Where is clarity25? Recent vacation blog - http://twoshotsoftequila.blogspot.com/ "Eric's" Photobucket account - http://s795.photobucket.com/home/sketchbookshark/index
from razor-vixen :
Yes, don't forget to take sodium into account at restaurants. Good luck with your busy weekend!
from razor-vixen :
Ooooh, so very hot Argentinian! Good luck!
from vla :
So cool about the jumping/horse riding stuff. Maybe ask your parents to pay for it? You always seem so happy when you're talking about doing that... It might help with other stuff do be focusing on something you love so much. Instead of little joys, it's like one BIG joy, you know? Anyway. Hi. :)
from thebeesknees :
1) I actually was seconds from filing something last week before having to use a pen to correct the caption at the last minute. This stuff can't be avoided. 2) I think coming back with a second, more on point case shows that you're thorough, and doing a good job. If you weren't, you'd have stopped looking once you found one analogous case, not caring that something better was out there. I think it shows your boss that you don't take the easy way out, and that you continue to think about your problems/cases, whereas others would do the minimum.
from razor-vixen :
I think you just have to be prepared to take it for what it is: casual sex. You could meet him at the door and make the move first if you think it would put you in a position of more power.
from vla :
you are so hard on yourself! so you slipped up, you have been doing really well, and even if you cannot see it, you have been making progress/changes. you should be proud of those accomplishments.
from vla :
Way to go on last night!! That's awesome. I think sometimes for me, it's like when I build up a pattern of doing good, I don't want to fuck it up and have to start all over. That helps me, so maybe that is part of what carried you through last night? And now you've broken the pattern, so it will be easier next time. :)
from vla :
Hey, I was going to suggest tossing your mascara because it can carry bacteria and stuff. It's good to replace it if you have an eye infection, but you already did! It actually might be the eye cream... My eyes are super sensitive to eye creams. I usually get a rash under my eye, but it would make sense that it could cause clogged pores/styes too. A couple things: do you wear contacts? That might be a factor. And do you wash your eye makeup off every night? You have to be super careful about washing it or it can can contribute to styes. Otherwise, I'd switch to a different eye cream and see if it helps. Recently I have been using bareMinerals RareMinerals Triple Treatment Eye Cream with no problems. But everyone is different with that stuff. So try one & see. Sephora is pretty good with returns. Um. I wrote a lot about this topic. ;)
from thebeesknees :
Honestly, I'd probably trudge along as you are, and as the deadline rapidly approached, I'd find myself screwed and have to spend more of my day and possibly evening/weekends working on it. I am the ultimate procrastinator with stuff I hate to do.
from vla :
So crazy about your friend having a break down. I felt so sad for her reading that... Scary stuff. Also, I like the 'joy nuggets'. I have been thinking about that a lot! It's helped me. And. Reading today about the caged hulk waiting to get out next time you're allowed to drink... What does your therapist say about helping you to feel like you're in control of this and not ... the hulk in control? by the way, you have a great use of imagery in your writing. :)
from thebeesknees :
For what it's worth, I thinkt the access to the internet is to blame for the ADD at work situation. I probably get in 5-6 hours of actual work on a good day, and one day earlier this week I probably actually only had 2-3 after getting back from court.
from razor-vixen :
You will not "get big" from the working out, just nice definition. And yes it will help burn that fat off! I'm glad you are not losing yourself with Mike this time. And he seems to be changing. Which is good.
from thebeesknees :
I'm sure any of these places would have someone who would give up a seat for a person on crutches? I had a friend who recovered from hip replacement recently, and he said he was surprised by how accommodating most places were to him under the circumstances.
from thebeesknees :
Oh, man, some clients are just total idiots. I can't tell you the number of times I've wanted to just reach over and put my mouth over their mouths during depositions, and say "WHAT DID WE GO OVER? HOW MANY TIMES DID WE DISCUSS THIS?"
from hungry-hippo :
Haha, ok thanks. Let me know if she has any other questions. Hope she's OK.
from thebeesknees :
i'll also make sure you get a referral fee if she uses either of these attorneys.
from thebeesknees :
Thanks for the quick response! I'll pass those names along. It's just hard to discern through research who might be shady, and should be avoided.
from thebeesknees :
Kind of a weird request, but can you recommend (based on at least reputation) one or two good Plaintiff's med mal firms in Manhattan? My cousin is looking for an attorney, and I figured you might have some advice. Thanks, and I'm glad to see that you seem to be doing quite well nowadays. Not that I don't regularly read, I just don't regularly comment.
from pollysings :
hi there. this is a weird message, but I'm not sure how else to go about this. a friend of mine was someone who used to post on diaryland - she just passed away last week. i'm trying to put together a book using some of her writings (her husband has okay'd this), but i lost the password she used to let me read her stuff. she had a mutual reader - VLA - and i have no idea how to reach her. anyway, my address is [email protected] if you think you might be able to help. thank you. Jill
from smallhanded :
I'm thinking of you and hoping that all goes well leading up to and with the surgery. I also want to tell you that once your eating normalizes -- meaning neither restricting nor bingeing -- you will feel so much better about your body. The reason that you end up bingeing is because you have set up this all or nothing mindset for yourself. The moderate thing is really the one that works the best. I know you know this. You have basically told me this exact same thing before. I am so not preaching at you. I just hate to see you continually swinging on the pendulum between one extreme and the other. Major restricting doesn't work. There may be some foods that have to be off limits altogether for you. There definitely are people who can't do moderation with certain things. Maybe figure out what those things are and say goodbye. But then let the other things in once in awhile. Okay, I'll shut up now. I know this is all much easier said than done. I just hate to hear that you are so down on yourself when you are so lovely and beautiful and smart. xoxo
from limes-sugar :
hey you. that is a really really cute flower-note. so what's the date of the surgery exactly?
from thebeesknees :
This young man sounds promising. Particularly because he understands some boundaries and is going to stay with his friend in NYC (even if he ends up staying with you most nights). Also, I think people who need some time to themselves would naturally be sick of spending every moment with a mate, night and day, after several days...so I don't buy into your friend's opinion that you wouldn't want to spend a moment apart if he was "the one." Or maybe I just like my husband less than I should, seeing as I need some alone time and friend time away from him on a regular basis.
from vla :
I'm sorry you're down lately, hip. I know dealing with these emotions while sober is hard, but I honestly do think it will get better. I think this is just a phase of feeling all this hard stuff you have not been feeling while shoving it away by using the e/d and alcohol and drugs. I'm saying this because I feel like I hit a bunch of hard emotions when I stopped using too and started using my e/d less too. Instead of feeling so much better like I thought I would, I actual felt pretty fucking depressed, but I think it's starting to lift... So, I just think if you keep at it, it gets better. So keep going. You're really doing big, hard work and I think it is great. Also, I think you do need real world support. Maybe AA? I have never done it myself, but maybe it would be cool if you were open to it? At any rate, we all do need people and support. xo.
from vla :
This: "I am so used to the black and white mentality -- either harsh restriction or just out and out b/p constantly. So this middle way, with its setbacks and compassion and two-steps-forward-one-step-back pace is just so foreign. And the fight seems so pointless when it is fraught with mistakes all the time. Why keep trying if you just keep fucking it up?" really resonated with me. I feel like that too. I guess I think it's what you said too, that the back and forth restrict and b/p is just too damaging both emotionally and physically, so you have to find another way at some point. But it is so, so foreign. I have just never heard someone put it into words before... It's just the whole normality of it sometimes? That is so exhausting. It's like I crave the ups and downs, or that I was just so used to them. I don't know. Because at the same time I am so so tired of all that too. No help here, but I just wanted to say I could relate and that I feel like you're doing a really good job. xo.
from razor-vixen :
Hope you do end up having a great birthday! I know you can rock your plan. REmember all the things you want to accomplish. Especially remember that you are a great person, and your friends are coming to see you, and they like you for who you are (you don't need alcohol to enhance yourself).
from smallhanded :
I'm really sorry you are feeling so bad. When do you get back to NY? We should definitely get together because I will so be your support person and tell you how beautiful, intelligent, and worthy you are. You are also way too hard on yourself! And I'm sorry that your parents are sucking so much. I would kill mine if they commented on my eating. Seriously. That shit is unacceptable! xoxo
from vla :
gah. how fucking annoying. anyone commenting on my eating can die. I can't imagine dealing with my PARENTS still doing it. I feel for you. Last night R questioned how I could be hungry four hours after the last time we ate. (when he became a restrictor, I do not know.) I was SO mad--it made me not want to eat anymore. ever. irrational, yes, but it brought me back to 15 year-old me too. it felt impossible to explain to him why that kind of banter was so off the table. also, I felt like (duh) he should fucking know. anyway, shouldn't your mom also fucking know? this shit is all so annoying. so let me be the person to say, good job on not throwing up the whole time you're there. that IS progress. and you CAN'T eat too much protein, that is retarded. it's going to make you feel more full and is healthy so shuuuut uuuup mom. hee.
from thebeesknees :
I played tennis forever. Was supposed to play in college but totally burnt out. I've played a little here and there since then, but I have to say that reading your tennis entries has really made me more interested in playing again. Now that I have a little more time, I may re-join the club I used to belong to here. So thanks to you!
from thebeesknees :
On a serve, the power should really come from your legs...so after the finals you may want to practice getting more of a knee bend and then "springing up" and into the ball. I think you'll find it helps. And good luck in the finals!
from thebeesknees :
I know it's not for me to decide, but I don't like the whole "SHAME" thing. Reading it, it makes *me* feel sad and terrible, and I'm not even involved...and I don't think you deserve to feel like that, or to make yourself feel like that. Sure, you made some poor choices, but we all do. All of this stuff you're going through is a process, not a quick fix, and I don't think you should be shamed by yourself or others for slipping up.
from vla :
I think for me, I have the tendency to do things ("shameful" things. that word again! ha.) like b/p awfully or something and then want to just mentally erase it afterwards. Not tell my therapist, not write about it in DL, not mention it to R, not face it. It's like how I think the purge absolves the binge somehow. I also think mentally ignoring the fuck up somehow makes it go away. And really it's because I am embarrassed, ashamed of my behavior. Talking about it here and in therapy--facing it, is not comfortable, it sucks. But I think it is helpful because covering it up keeps me more caught in the cycle of it all.
from limes-sugar :
LOVE BALLS!! :)
from limes-sugar :
hey. well. what about this: what if you didn't flake...but started making less 'committed' plans. i.e. make a 'tentative' drinks date with whomever, saying, "there's a chance I will have a work thing" or "I may have to run early to meet someone for work" that way you set the expectations with the other person and, in your mind, you have an 'out'? I have noticed that making concrete plans a few days out essentially drives me crazy and I will do weird shit to like sabotage myself sometimes. or just the intense dread. so i rarely fully commit anymore. :) might not make sense to most, but it works for me!
from limes-sugar :
where's your fking update? it says you updated 3 hours ago but it's only showing the one from June 3?? I want to know how last night wenttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
from ecstasia :
Hey, I just wanted to say hello and that I am still riveted and still reading. I tried to send you a message on facebook, although I'm not sure it went through. I noticed that we are no longer buddies and I'd like you to be my facebook buddy again, but I didn't want to add you as a friend with no explantation as you must have removed me from your friends for some reason, although I cannot imagine why. ; >
from thebeesknees :
Good for you. So glad you are done with him, as you clearly deserve so much better! Kissing young boys is fun and harmless and totally necessary after a break up.
from limes-sugar :
fucking thank the lord. to bring back a oldie but goodie: DONEZO! THe C wrapper is the cherry on top of the steaming pile of shit that is M. Good night and good luck. (and you kissed a boy already, see??? things are already looking up)xx
from smallhanded :
I think i like the first version. The second is almost nice...Like if he were to change then you would want to continue. But he is not going to change and this thing is never going to be good so I would make sure I wasn't even leaving a tiny little door open. Sorry about John. He is a fool. But there IS someone great out there for you.
from vla :
either version is good!
from limes-sugar :
This is why I refuse to let texting be a real form of communication in my life. It doesn't give back enough, the rules of texting back and initiating texts aren't clear, and it's too easy to feel like an asshole for no reason and it's too easy to sound like an asshole w/o meaning too. I don't know hip. I don't think you need advice, and I want to say "cut and run" with Mike bc it's all too sketchy now, his actions vs. his words...but I know you know. IDK. I just would get out because Mike sucks and I see no good way out of this. If I sound too negative right now, I apologize, it's also because A is being a total dick right now so I kind of maybe hate all men. :)
from vla :
omg, hip. he sounds so much better than mike! ha-ha. just had to say it. have fun!
from unclassy :
have a wonderful time tonight on your daaaaate!!!! cant wait to hear about it, good for you for sticking to your guns and asking for what you want!! such a good feeling I'll bet! muah!!!
from vla :
Oh good! I swear that drinking something I don't really like thing really does help with moderation. yay.
from vla :
I think you mentioned this with the beer thing, because you don't really like drinking beer as much, so ordering it might help, but I do this with red wine. If I kind of want a drink but just want to sip something and not like drink-drink, I order a glass of red wine because for some reason I just cannot drink it quickly (unlike white) I think because for me red is more of an acquired taste. Anyway, maybe it would help when you're trying to have just a social drink to order something you're not so into? Like a beer or something because you might tend to drink it slower. Just a thought. Also, I think it sounds like you're doing great because seeeeeriously I think the first step to all of this stuff is realizing that you HAVE a choice, that there is a different choice to be made. even if it takes a few times before you actually make those "right" choices, you know? Being aware that they are there is a big thing. Anyway. hi.
from limes-sugar :
this same type of thing just happened with Faith and I. We wanted to hang out. She also needed to do laundry so suggested hanging out at my place. I said sure. I fell asleep at 6pm and woke up at 10p and emailed her saying so sorry I fell asleep. She wrote back some snarky snarky email saying "i've come to expect this type of thing from you so it doesn't even bother me anymore." I initially wanted to write back in all caps: WELL, F YOUR MOM. I FELL ASLEEP. JESUS. Then I sat on it for a minute, decided she probably had a right to be miffed, however, I wasn't going to continue making apologies, so I just ignored her email and didn't talk to her for a few days (see, even if you are the one to change the plans, you can still maintain control of the situation just make making your own decisions of how you want to handle it.) She may see it as ignoring me, but I chose to give her a few days and {honestly} give myself a few days to get over being annoyed at her email. Then, around day 3, I sent a benign "hey what up!" and then it was like nothing happened.
from limes-sugar :
ohoh. Also: you know what would be AWESOME though, seriously? If you had NOT responded, then CALLED her at like 7:05am being like, "I'm at the courts, where are you" hahahahahahah. And been like "when you confirm plans the evening before, i do not expect therefore do not check my text messages before 7 am. jeez."
from limes-sugar :
did she respond?? I mean...here is the thing, I always bail on people. It sometimes annoys them. The only way I can get away with not caring if it annoys them is by never caring if people do it to me. That does NOT mean, however, that I don't take a jab or 2 at someone for shitting on me....but I take them every now and then too. I just stay unapologetic ab the whole thing!
from limes-sugar :
I am sorry but this is pure hilarity- I loved it: I'm thinking, maybe I'll cancel and then uncancel and then cancel and uncancel again by texting you starting at 6am.
from limes-sugar :
Hey. Yeah, I wonder-- why is it so hard to take care of myself? In regards to all the reasons you list. Like, why do I eat too much just to keep from making the other person feel weird?? WTF is that all about? I went to dinner with Jill last night, and she was telling a story ab Sam's gf. She wsa like "e is so annoying because she wont eat, she'll have like one or two chips and then say "no thanks, it will make my stomach hurt later, I am not going to eat anymore." Jill was like she just has to control everything!!! But it got me thinking, good for her! Why can't *I* do that?? What is the big fking deal with saying no? Why dont I have that control, can I get that control without being to obsessive about it?? WHy overeat, feel like sht...who gains anything from that? Besides me and weight! :) So what if Jill is annoyed that E doesn't pig out with her....who wins there?? E!! It prob annoys J (and ME) because we are seeing someone have the control that we want...but we are also scared of that control because 1. it never seems to last and 2. we don't want to start giving ourselves to the control. So we have a lack of control. Where to find the middle ground?? Sorry if I am being all over the place or ranty...I'm thinking too much today!! And feeling so gross and fat and nasty.
from limes-sugar :
hey. Wow. Reading your entry for today was good for me, as I seem to be having many of the same thoughts re: choices, realization/awareness, figuring out why my behavior goes south sometimes (usually out of tiredness). I think that awareness has to be the best first step for anything, even if you make the same choices. At least you are getting to see that there is a choice there. That's awesome. Also-- I get so thrown off when I make a plan and don't commit, which happens like every day. So? And sometimes I am unnecessarily hard on myself about it...It was interesting to hear you talk to "one year ago" self. I agree and sometimes tell myself the same thing "Why didn't you just say no?". In the past I have ruined relationships with doing things I didn't want to do...ironically enough I said I'd do it in the first place because I was trying to people please. So...it's interesting to look back and be like "why didn't I just say no?". Food for thought for me...
from vla :
that is awesome, hip, seriously. I don't care if supposedly normal people do stuff like that all the time. making a plan like that and sticking to it is big! especially with drinking, food AND boys. jesus, that's the trifecta.
from unclassy :
I can say for sure that wellb is a cumulative (sp?) type drug that builds in your system as time passes and usually takes a few weeks to really reap the results. I'd be willing to bet your dr just needs to vamp up the dose a lil as well to get you squared away. Bummer on the Christian thing, are you not going to see him anymore then? Or just not really feelin it, but open to the idea?
from unclassy :
Aww try to keep calm - easier said than done but you are still in the clear very much, he may just be playin it cool. Hopefully you've heard something by now, but if not - really, I wouldnt let it spin downwards, sometimes it takes a few days for some stupid reason..
from unclassy :
no prob, glad you had fun on your date! sounds like a babe. PS: wellb can also trigger mania in people who have a bit of an undercast of it as a whole (I do too). It just makes you energized :D
from unclassy :
sorry for all the "and such", dont know whats with that today - but anyway if a dr suggests a med, obviously they think the positive effects will surpass any possible negative ones and you should go for it. Honestly, I dont know anyone who's taken it that DIDnt like it.
from unclassy :
Of course with the good comes the bad, but this stuff has more tolerable "bad" effects than a lot of others (celexa made me psycho in the head, effexor gave me serious cold sweats in my sleep, there's one that makes you GAIN weight - f all that - that sort of nonsense), but after I cleared 200mg a day on the SR version (same as XL but the dosage is slightly diff quantities, instead of 150 or 300 they are 100 & 200) I noticed ringing in my ears a few hours after each dose. And its always there now, although I dont even notice it unless I start focusing on it or some ahole turns down the tv super low and such..my friends are used to my, "wait, what?" by now, lol) and since I am prone to panic attacks, I got a couple initially (before I was diagnosed with them and didnt know wtf was going on) because I kept forgetting if I took my dose or not and would double-up (very bad, do not do that..makes you all jacked up in the head) and yeah your short-term memory will suck, I have one of those old-people pill reminder things to keep me in check so I dont make that mistake again. You have to watch yourself carefully on it because it decreases your seizure threshold though and drinking can intensify that, but that's more if youre on the 400 or more dosage. I take 300 a day, have for about seven or so years. There's been times where I couldnt afford it or whatev and had to come off of it and man, what a suckage that was - weight came back and such. But each time I got back on, everything was reversed again - weight back down and such - and everything was cool. Love that shit.
from unclassy :
SON OF A BITCH, lost my previous note. Lets try again: WELLBUTRIN IS MY *BEST* FRIEND, just a lil fyi. I lost about 15 lbs after about 6 wks in, felt amazing and havent stopped taking it since. I do NOT know how I lived without it (taking for BP/ADD though - its prescribed for all sorts of crap including smoking cessation [name goes by zyban in that case and my ins covers it under those clauses, but not for mental health, go figure] but its also a super appetite suppressant)...Everyone responds differently to these things, but it seems the general consensus is to assume you'll get a lil jittery. It happened to me, it passes. It cranks up your libido too - a lot. And mine wasnt hurtin to begin with, so yeah. Also, the XL version will give you very vivid dreams (not bad, just really detailed and sometimes a leeetle bizarre).
from vla :
I so so agree with lisasays' comment. That really rings true to me too.
from unclassy :
youre only human, man - you want to believe that deep down, he is going to snap out of it. We're all sort of like this in a way, which is why we put up with dumb shit for long periods of time. Being emotionally attached to anyone is just straight up confusing already. I feel for you girl, and I agree with Lisa about the reward system he has in the works and how it affects you. Much love...
from jasminum :
Hip-hop...I actually liked your entry. You're PISSED AS FUCK. No action comes of acceptance. This is a first step.
from limes-sugar :
shit. I just read. I have to say, Lisasays' comment rings very true. Hit home with me. How are you now? He banged both those girls? I just think he's not worth it, you keep coming back to feeling like this. It makes me mad- at him.
from lisasays :
I have a theory that fixation on messed up relationships (or fixation on anything, really) is tied to the same thing that triggers an ED. It's compulsive behavior at the very root, right? So while Mike is so clearly not worthy of you, it's not about him--he's just the object upon which you've fixated. He has nurtured the fixation through his hot/cold reward system, only making things worse. Which doesn't necessarily help matters, but it sometimes helps me in beginning to work through weird fixations on unworthy men. I hope things start looking up...
from vla :
did I miss an entry? how did you find out about that... I think when you look back on this you will see very plainly that it is NOT ABOUT MIKE. you're working some other stuff out here, it seems. I know it's super frustrating to go through, but it must be an important lesson for you to learn, you know? He really, really, REALLY triggers something in you.
from thebeesknees :
Based on behavior alone, he is more of a 0 than a 10. How dare he.
from smallhanded :
I think that so much of your insecurity and bad feelings and in acting out with food, etc. is connected to the fact that Mike treats you badly. You have to end this. It is never going to be what you want it to be and I dread the possibility of him being the one to end it. You should dump him immediately. I am sorry if that sounds harsh. It may be really hard in the short term but I think you will free yourself up for a guy who treats you well and it will just be empowering to tell him to fuck off. Don't hate me for saying this... I'm thinking of you. xoxo
from vla :
Yay!!
from unclassy :
Well, saying no initially is definitely a step in the right direction, even if you caved. Hopefully that doesnt mean he wont take you seriously next time. And, for the record, I think you would really benefit from practicing self control by forcing yourself to decline an invitation from him, you dont have to ONLY say no, you can say something like "I wish I could but...x, y & z, so how about ____?" and offer another time on YOUR TERMS. That way you wont feel all that anxiety of "omg he isnt going to invite me any more now" type thing. But really, logically speaking, saying no is not something you arent allowed to do. How often does he do it to you? He get's his head all blown up throwing his words around about how you would drop everything for him because he doesnt see you ever putting anything else before him, so of course he views himself as top shelf priority rank. Just somethin to think about, in the mean time I think at least observing whats going on here you will do yourself more good than bad. I just wish he would fucking get a clue.
from thebeesknees :
Mike may be hot but he's also a total douchebag, and you deserve so much better. If you did end it on your terms, I would be overjoyed for you. It would be sad for a while, but I think you'd feel so much less anxious about everything else without him in your life. Also, nobody who loves you like he says he does would treat you this way.
from vla :
update! miss you & hope all is well. :)
from jasminum :
Oh good lord. Mass amounts in the last 7 months. Still catching up. I am not liking Mike. Match.com? And you're still giving him your time? What what?
from smallhanded :
I know I am just supposed to be supportive and all that but I fucking hate him. I hate him. He is awful. You deserve better. What is this twisting bullshit??? I'm sorry...I just think he is fucked up and really lucky that you put up withi his crap because you are amazing and beautiful. And you should be with a guy who makes you feel that way. Anyway, I'm sorry we never get together. I would love to see you! Take care. xoxo
from vla :
He should NOT be talking to you about other girls. Like, if you have an open relationship that's one thing, but you need to set some ground rules about that with him because that shit just ain't right!
from sosuga :
WOMAN! Get a hold of yourself!!! He isnt going anywhere, he's probably punishing you in his own way by forcing the radio silence. By now he knows you well enough that he knows youre expecting him to talk. Dont succumb to those unnecessary worrys, because really: worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair, right? Something to do, gets you absolutely nowhere. With that in mind, I think it may help to get a plan of action to start CHANGING YOUR THINKING entirely when those doubts start to emerge. Repeat to yourself that you are the best he's gonna find and there's no logical reason for him to do anything brash. He may be quiet for a bit, yes...but thats what men do. They get lost in their head and work thru the nonsense on their own, once their done they come back good as new. Just consider it a work in progress, he's gettin there. Trust that - and have trust IN him that he won't go making any crazy decisions or doing something stupid. I feel so badly girl, you are beatin yourself up over something that was just a little blip on the radar, not your fault and youre allowed to have knee-jerk reactions especially while watching a show like that. If he cant understand that, let him stew in it for HIS punishment, because that is NOT FAIR that you cannot have normal reactions to things. Hang in there chicky, just a wave ya gotta ride out. It'll pass, it always does ;)
from sosuga :
aww good for you for hittin up the waiter (I love the way you did it too, so cute!) and I'm glad he got back to you in a timely manner ;) Sorry to hear your parents are driving you insane, I definitely agree that your father's reaction to the situation was incredibly childish and doesnt set a very good "example" for his daughter as far as how things should be dealt with (in a mature manner, that is). I can see why you feel guilty for leaving your mom, but sometimes we have to do what is right for us, you know? Maybe you can explain to her however way possible that it wasnt her fault (you leaving) but rather just the whole entirety didnt turn out to your liking and you felt it was in your best interest to remove yourself before more damage was done? At least then she wont think SHE was to blame, because it does sound like she at least tried to alleviate the anxiety a bit...and I know all too well that fear of thinking you may tap out your emotional support when you remain in an unstable or unsatisfying relationship, I've been there myself and it just seems to me that he causes you more hardship than positive reinforcement in your life and it is hard for someone outside the situation to understand why a strong, attractive, intelligent female like yourself would allow herself to remain in a constant up-hill battle when to us outsiders, the obvious remedy is to simply find someone else. But, easy said than done - and some people thrive on dramatic situations because it allows their brain to focus on that situation rather than other problems in their life...sort of like a distraction. Its not fair for anyone to judge you, and I am sorry if it comes across in a way that I am doing as much. That definitely wont help you in any way, at all, and I want you to know that we are here for you and more than likely have been there before so its more of a protective cause than it is a judgement, if that makes sense. In any case - I dont use AIM ever anymore but if for some reason I am on I will for sure give you a shout :)
from razor-vixen :
Unfortunately, there usually comes a time when we can no longer go on vacation with our parents (I passed that point a few years ago). HOpefully you will feel better and less stressed about things when you get back into your routine.
from vla :
good! seriously, you have to take care of yourself right now and not do things just to please your parents. I am figuring that out, too. and I think it is so connected to all this addiction related stuff. I think it is a great step to just leave when you want to. this is your life and you have to do what supports your health, you know? and stay strong when you get back to ny. :)
from sosuga :
ps: for what its worth, I wasn't attacking your judgement, only trying to empathize. Just disregard it, wasnt a big deal.
from sosuga :
i think you may have misinterpreted my last note...what i meant wasnt in regard to you "fabricating" a relationship because its very obviously a relationship at this point. I meant that you know in the back of your mind that if you hadn't reached out to him, he wouldn't have bothered (to reconcile) - the amount of faith that you showed in that sentence left much to be desired ... just as well as he does for you. I certainly realize it takes two to tango.
from sosuga :
hey...hun, doesnt this speak to you? "But I know withdrawal will just mean ending because he won't reach out to me." no wonder you feel so down and exhausted, you are carrying ALL the weight in this relationship - you are worrying about it's potential and feeling bad when the hopefulness is shot down. You are holding it all together, without you there wouldnt be one. Thats just not not NOT what you need, sister. I just wish you could see that - how much this is all affecting your everything.
from thebeesknees :
Ugh. At least you're getting to the bottom of it, and hopefully your doc can offer you some relief. Feel better.
from thebeesknees :
Have you had any PT for your knee/hip issues? You might consider some light PT, such as regular and/or ultrasound massage, if you've not already. I've had all sorts of knee problems from playing junior tennis, and these things really do offer some relief. Also, maybe you'll find someone worth making out with on Nantucket.
from sosuga :
not that I really think you will let this process, but rather just write it off as I think you may have done per the other notes below here, but it might help to be honest with yourself about whether or not you feel like telling him you need a break is because a) you truly want to re-evaluate whether or not this other girl/rewarding part is worth it (which you already know the answer to, clearly its not enough for you or this wouldnt be an issue right now to begin with or b) you are hoping he will "see his ways" and apologize and/or reassure you again that he is happy with you and these other girls are just that. I hate to say it, but if you truly felt it worth your while to walk away and be the strong one here, you wouldnt need to give him a heads up at all about why you are leaving, he would know damn well what the issue is. And he does, he simply chooses not to acknowledge that it hurts you and continues to do as he pleases. Is the issue truly about him having a commitment issue? Considering he's already told you as much and you continue to see him, I'd say all he has done is lay a safety net down for himself so that when you decide enoughs enough, he can dodge the blame by saying "well, I told you how I am. sorry you cant handle it". You deserve more and you know it, its the fear of the unknown that is holding you back....I wish you could see what we see going on here..
from thebeesknees :
I think you deserve better than this guy. You are too good to be treated like this, and I think you need to cut him off. He is the culprit here -- this has nothing to do with you or anything you've done -- and it makes me sick that he is so hot and cold with you.
from smallhanded :
Sorry. I am still anti-Mike. I don't think he is good for you and I don't like the way he treats you. You deserve more/better. Hope you are doing okay. xoxo
from thebeesknees :
So shitty about your bag. Also, your body is probably holding weight because of stress, as it's clear that you've been pretty stressed out for a while.
from smallhanded :
Call me if you come to the UWS. Or was that today?
from smallhanded :
I seriously think you should drop him completely. This is not good for you and it is at least partly why you are turning to b/p, drugs, etc. This guy is fucked up and not worth your time. I know you say you are okay with it, he is not the one for you either but I seriously think that given that, you should just be done with it. I don't mean to be harsh but I don't think he deserves your time or energy or brains or beauty at all. Obviously, I am only hearing bits from your side of things - and it is not that I think he is a bad guy or anything like that - I just think he is fucked up and doesn't know what he wants and you don't need to waste your time on him. Take care! xoxo
from sosuga :
What I mean is, as long as youre ok with it all than I say keep on keepin on :)
from sosuga :
True. he doesnt play games...so youre right when you say that. But it pisses me the fuck off that he sets himself a safety net by proclaiming "I just want you to watch out for yourself" - it makes him feel like hes being the "good guy" for being a heads up when in reality its him being an ass and since he's warning you that he may leave you, when he does do it, it'll be none of his fault since...you know...he warned you. GOD that makes me crazy. I just hope u are being honest w/ YOURSELF when you are saying things to him about how you dont see this getting any more serious in the mutually exclusive dept. I think if it were me I'd have already lost my marbles, so I gotta commend u for having patience to put up with him...attractive or not, you dont deserve to settle. The whole I love you thing rubs me the wrong way too, I thought the whole point of saying it was to demonstrate among other things, your devotion to someone. I dont get this man at all - but if you have a good time w/ him thats what matters! Right? Right. xo
from limes-sugar :
wow. that was a VERY v.v.v. interesting read. how do you feel?
from limes-sugar :
man. man o man. Well, the thing is, I must say--in reading all of this and your past entries. It seems to me like it's not you: it's him. I know the words don't mean much, but it's not that you are too tall, etc. He just seems like he ..what he needs is not what one person can necessarily give him? The "bored" thing bugs me. Maybe I am transferring from TB, so if I am, feel free to let me know. But he had this thing where, if I didn't do what he wanted to, or I 'went against him,' he's oft say "Ugh..well, I'm bored!!" --- but is had such dark connotations. Like, I am the one making him bored, or, it's my fault he is bored, or, I am just not interesting enough for him. I am just not sure why M would go back on Match. The whole thing makes ME feel off keel, and it makes me want to tell you to run away from him. Too much?xo.
from thebeesknees :
You are smart and funny and attractive and cool, so don't beat yourself up because this chump is "bored." I'm sure a lot of it is that you are standing up for what you want and need, and don't drop everything for him all the time (though you seem to have to do it a lot), and he doesn't like it. I understand why you'd be taking it personally, of course, but you can do much better. And will!
from justvivo :
Ditto to what bees said!
from thebeesknees :
This boy is a self-centered irritating ass. No level of hot is worth that behavior.
from sosuga :
that means a lot coming from you, thanks girl...I grew up being the "boy" of the girlie girl group and when I finally turned 18 I switched gears and suddenly got the attention I never had before - because I was girlie. Everyone always thinks I am stuck up now, because I am more or less a shy person (from how I was raised, scared of what others thought of me). I dont know what you imagined me like, hehe, but that's good to know that you think that. And yes I agree with vla, you should go to your appt. If anything else it'll be a learning experience and I dont mean that in a bad way.
from vla :
um. go? that might actually be interesting.
from sosuga :
hahahahaha you are too cute! aww thanks! I love your picture its so pretty!!! No I WISH I was in LA but I'm in MI. Big difference lol.
from sosuga :
i sent you a friend request...
from sosuga :
look me up via email on myspace yo: jmarie.wand.at.gmail.com (just remove the dots except the last one, obviously)
from vla :
ditto to what bees said!
from thebeesknees :
I think I emailed you the new pw, but if I didn't, let me know. Can't recall when you left that note.
from razor-vixen :
When you spell it out like that, yes it does sound like you're settling for him, because he is hot. He doesn't seem to treat you the way you deserve. But if you want to keep him around for his hotness while you date around, by all means! Hell, he's doing that to you, right? You deserve more.
from sosuga :
damn those ebooks & their knack for making us think too much. that probably sounds really sarcastic but I am being totally serious, they make me think too much about what should be fixed in my "relationships". I guess once you identify what it is that makes you feel lousy/unappreciated around mike - because thats what this comes down to? - and then work from there. I know it would annoy the shit out of me for it to be his way or the highway all the time. Comprimise, dammit! Ok, good luck sweets, sorry I'm no good for more advice!
from raygirl999 :
It's always nice when somebody repeatedly tells you how awesome you are. Do you feel like you are that super witty fabulous person around M or do you still feel anxious around him? Anyway can you e-mail the eBook? My e-mail is [email protected]. Thanks!
from smallhanded :
I'm glad to hear that you are kind of back in track...If you want a 5k training partner, I have been thinking of doing one this spring (for the first time) as well and would LOVE to do it together. Obviously we live too far apart to do it all in person but we could figure something out if you are up for it...Take care.
from smallhanded :
well what you did wrong was not contacting me. hahahahahaha. obviously I was home with the baby as usual. D is going away again fairly soon so I am going to have you come over and we can drink wine and hang out. sorry I have been so remiss about this. I am awful. Thinking of you though. xoxo
from vla :
was with mike on friday night & now i feel like i am dyyyyying. am bailing on everyone. will catch up soon. zzzzzzzz
from vla :
hahaha, i have to agree with bees! mike does seem like a dramaqueen. and i missed you on the night before i left because i was hanging out with my mike. fucking booooooooo. i am also totally jealous of your vacation plans. i guess you're probably NOT going to be updating from there, huh? yeah, probably not...
from thebeesknees :
Okay, first, totally jealous of your vacations and the vacation time. Go make out with pretty Swedes and rugged outdoorsmen in Tanzania. Mike seems to be a little bit of a drama queen, no? Sucks when they are highly attractive, but they always are.
from vla :
ok. now it's been 11 days! could do with an update, lil miss.
from vla :
girl, u need to UPDATE. still dont know what the fuck was up on sat. ;)
from vla :
not unless your taking your dealer along in your carry-on. (or maybe you should check that shit.)
from vla :
hahaha. just read ur note. ha! before i got 1/2 through ur entry before, i passed out. moral of the story? the drugs in ny are fucking better than the ones in chicago. but, like, duh.
from vla :
i mean, the baby is at home with babymamma. like, they ttl share. anyway. i think everytime you write something about how this boy flips the fuck out and does something worthy of getting his ass dumped, you should follow it up with a totally HOT picture of him so we will all be more understanding of your situation... like, yes. GOD that was lame. but DAMN. he hot.
from vla :
at home with BM. weird, I know. and DUDE. I ttl wanna calll you. it's fucked that I have been going out too much to call. last night? also went out. tonight? going out. god. we need to talk tho...
from crzy4blues :
Hey, I've been off of Diaryland for a long time. I don't remember your password info, can you let me know? thanks! :)
from sosuga :
k sent to your gmail, the subject has a FWD since I just forwarded the email I sent earlier. And I deleted your addy off my notes, yo.
from sosuga :
I emailed you from my work addy but that prob wasnt the smartest move considering everything gets filtered out and I hardly recieve outside-our-network emails. This should not be so fucking difficult sheesh!! ARG
from sosuga :
Hey lady - in all honesty, I completely understand where you are coming from when you ask to do something friday and he says its not good. And then doesnt bother to elaborate what the REASON IS for not being "Good" for him. God. Fucking men. But in any case, really from what I gather he is totally swooning over you by spending all this time with you, texting, chatting, etc etc. I really think whats happening is he isnt falling all over himself to tell you how he feels (which god knows if he did you prob would be like, wtf dude) so youre trying to connect the dots on your own and in the meantime totally questioning your self worth - or at least what you mean to him. He seems to have been honest with you so far, I think he means it when he says he likes you a lot and its hard to say what the next step is besides that you both like eachother and thats a good start! Oh and? I dont know if you got my other message about the dating ebook thing but if youre interested hit me up, otherwise I'll just fork up the dough to them but like I said- I'd rather give my $ to someone who can *use* it, not the wankers themselves :) Hang in there sister...although I know you feel..xo
from vla :
none other! So... got home too late to call you last night. Had to crash. And supposedly have a match date tonight? will see. that's the plan. Um. Will try to email you this afternoon! busybee!! I am glad things are going well with the boy. Don't sweat the details, doll. He hearts u.
from vla :
;)
from sosuga :
I was thinking about getting that ebook thing but it pretty much annoys the shit out of me to pay them money when I'd rather it go to a better cause - wanna make a deal, like say - I'll give you my amazon cert # and you can buy something for yourself online in exchange for sharing this thing? let me know what you think - email me [email protected] (replace the 4's with a's though)
from limes-sugar :
OHMIGODOHMIGOD. I SOOO WISHED I WAS THERE. SOOO BAD. BUT I AM LAUGHING OUT LOUD, PRETENDING TO BE THERE WITH 'ORANGE SHIRT' HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS. CAN YOU PLEASE MEET UP WITH MEIN LA ? SOON? PLS? Also, I am ab to update. shitstorm. ugh. xo.
from sosuga :
ok so I fucking suck. I sold that damn book on amazon a while back - I thought i still had it. Fuck. But ok, well from what I recall from that class there were some distinguishable symptoms he has - the fear of touching you while you are excited and/or the knee jerk reaction he had to feeling it is some sort of indication that either he was taught at a young age that sex is very very filthy and to be taken very seriously? Have you ever dated a navy/marine? They only have sex missionary - or at least that's the "law" they are taught - but anyway - if his mother was abused OR if she ever caught him masturbating theres a good chance she drilled it into his head at a young age that this sort of action is bad. It's something deep inside him triggering his behavior right now. I am trying so hard to remember the fucking name of it - apparently this is somewhat similar in amish people - do you know anything about his family, perhaps get him to open up about his past and it might indicate somehow what happened, or at least start to shed some light? I agree with the other ladies that its a pretty big issue, he's clearly got some sort of scarring inside him causing this because otherwise he'd be thrilled to see you excited. He just seems...embaressed. I'll keep hunting around maybe I have some notes or something...
from vla :
I think... crap. Maybe give him that book! If he doesn't start trying at least. That might be a deal breaker. It would be for me. I know you like him a lot, but... that's a pretty big issue. How are you feeling about it? Can you talk to him about it? How is the music thing going?? hee hee.
from justvivo :
"I have to be the best girl he is currently dating because I cannot imagine other girls putting up with this shit" Uh... yeah. You've got the patience of a monk, girl. I don't know - I think the sex thing is kind of a huge deal. I totally don't get the him getting weirded out by your.. uh... responsiveness. Usually, that turns guys on even more - we all know that. With the fact that he hasn't gotten you *there* yet - ugh. But, I guess overcomeable (no pun intended) if he is willing to take direction? Sounds like he's not quite, though. I don't know. Something sits strangely... but, if you like him and he makes you happy? Dunno. What I do know is that the Vla/Hip night out sounded like a blast and the two of you are cutest ever!
from sosuga :
dude, when I get home I need to consult my collection of books - but I have a psychology book from college about this shit - yes really - it has to do with something uh, traumatizing usually that happened to him. Or his religion/upbringing but...man, I cant recall off the top of my head what it is but...it is not you - obviously you already know this - but ...ah, I dont even know why I am leaving u this comment because its not doing any good but...well, for that matter: you and vla: so fucking cute omg!
from jasminum :
Oh how fun (to the VLA-Hip night out). As for Mike...personally I could not stand a guy who 1) couldn't make me come, and 2) doesn't seem to care. I mean...it floors me that he's had at least a few weeks to notice that...um...you're not done? And hasn't brought it up or made it his #1 objective to do whatever it takes. Then dares to show revulsion so outwardly - what the fuck is that? Sure, we all get a little icked at SOMEthing be it slightly smelly balls or a nipple hair...but to act like that is just unacceptable. Have you asked him if he's even noticed the lack of orgasms?
from vla :
OMG! just read ur update... freaking out... what is wrong with him with the sex thing?! That is so weird! That is supposed to turn guys on MORE when a girl is turned on & into them. I wonder if... like, maybe his parents fucked him up about sex or something? something HAD to have happened. hmm.
from vla :
damn it! I should have fucked him! he's hott. wtf. btw. he was still txting me TODAY (sun.) GOD. anyway... ok. now I am going to read ur update... sorry no brunch or hanging out sat. night. will describe the semi-weirdness. le sigh. I will be BACK SOON. I am so sad to be in chicago right now. plus, u will come here soon. yay. ;)
from razor-vixen :
Yes, that is a huge problem. I wonder what happened in the past that he can't touch you without freaking out. From the descriptions you give, I think he is a little weird (all the naps, long showers, sex). I hope it works out....but I am worried you will get really involved and he will just be too weird & unwilling to change.
from thebeesknees :
Also, just noticed your note: Yes, yours was the primary target of my history lesson.
from thebeesknees :
PRETTY GIRLS! Loved the pics. Thanks for posting them!
from sosuga :
is this dating-without-drama deal anything interesting? I'm curious..
from sosuga :
Yeah forgive me - I am catching up on your situation so I might reference some older stuff hehe..but I actually thought of your words last night when I looked at M and the first word to enter my mind was "YUM" heh! But yeah I'm def glad he's involving you more in the activities, something tells me his sex life with his ex was excrutiatingly lame. He just needs a little hip to change his perspective, mwahahah! ok I am done being a nerd. xo
from limes-sugar :
hahaha. also. you are so so right. we shat all over Ander's for that. Yet I do it and everyone is like, ok!
from limes-sugar :
Shit. I mean...look, I hardly ever come. It has to be exactly right, in a certain, rather boring missionary position...and I have to concentrate but not be in my head at all. It just don't come easy. Ya know? And T and I JUST RECENTLY got to the place where I am mentally comfortable during Fing. So, I agree with the keep it light. Ultimately, if you guys keep dating, I think it will work itself out. But....I too have become FARFAR too okay with blowing T and him coming. Um, what about me? And he never ever goes down. Maybe we need to start a diaryland selfish sexual revolution.
from vla :
HIP! Jesus. Just read ur last entry and I ttl agree with everything you just wrote and could have written it myself (and would not even have to change the name! ha.) I am having a little issue in that department, too... damn it. We can chat about this FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from sosuga :
yeah I have some issues w/ the sex thing too, must be a Mike thing. Mine's a lil different and I have yet to touch on the subject since it's gonna take a sitting-down and hammering it out kind of entry which right now I am too high-strung for. I am having a hard time (bwa!) figuring out what to say with your situation because youre absolutely right - if we dont come then its all like, OMG OMG (to them anyway, like we care THAT much? no) but I would def be uncomfortable if he was jerkin it himself with me right next to him just like, yay. just sitting here. I'm gonna have to think about this one and get back to ya..
from sosuga :
Wow...firstly, the Mikes around here are steadily increasing, you know? Sheesh! I'm glad you found a Tall, Hot one too hehe! I am a sucker and a half for tall men, esp ones who carry you all like wifey-ish (another similarity!) and aww..he sounds like a good guy!! Maybe a bit awkward with himself, but good! yay
from thebeesknees :
eep, you locked up again. if you're sharing, please send the pw to pursedangler at yahoo dot com. thanks!
from thebeesknees :
u: nosyjerks p: begone
from vla :
hee. yes, I totally agree. ball in his court. and NO fucking lunch. for FIRST DATE? No drinking? wtf. and he ttl hasn't written me back yet. I think he just has cold feet and his is going to go nowhere. whatever. I guess I don't really care. And YES 41. ha ha. I know. But I guess I am kinda into it because a.) I am gonna be fucking THIRTY and I want someone to make me feel young. hahahaha. and he's cute. And I am sick of Mike making me feel old. Even though he's only 2 1/2 years younger than me. ANYWAY. plus, sick of broke asses. anyanyanyway.
from vla :
emailed you!
from vla :
hahaha! Miiiiiiiikkkkkeeee. p.s. my date ended at 1 pm on SUNDAY. wtf.
from vla :
word to that quote! I slept like shit last night too... reset.
from limes-sugar :
Um, i just read this after lunch. a chicken sandwich. ew. ew. ew. ew. fucking ew.
from vla :
ew. I was actually hungry and thinking about getting something to eat right before I read this. and now... ew.
from vla :
wow! holy shit!! That is so awesome!!! This is all proof to yourself that it *can* be accomplished, which is so important since you were kind of in that mindset that you were just, like, fucking up left & right... And this is week is proof that you can take good care of yourself. Very awesome. IIIiiii on the other hand got drunk on Tuesday night like an idiot. Well... (where's MY fucking antabuse?) However I was thinking this a.m. that I haven't b/p of safe foods in a while so that's good I guess. yay for all victories. Anyway, I was so happy to read this update today. very cool.
from vla :
So proud of you, hip. That is just awesome. And I am telling you, if you keep going it's going to start getting easier... But I think at first your brain freaks out a bit & it gets almost a little harder because that pattern is so worn into your brain... and when you stop doing it, your brain is like, wtf is going on here?? But it *does* get easier after a while. I swear.
from vla :
I want an update today. regardless... ;)
from vla :
You can call me too. I am going to bed early, though, thanks to feeling like death, but you can try me, ok?
from vla :
so weird to read that. it was so, so, so familar. it's like I could have written it myself. even the little details about being so fucking cold afterward and feeling so alone, wanting to call fam, & feeling like you have no one. I swear. stick it out. and then stick it out again tomorrow. and again... because it gets easier every time you break that habit. well, at first it gets harder as your brain freaks out because it's not getting what it is used to, but then you get used to *not* doing it. I swear. I was so in the pattern of going to the store and getting these huge amounts for b/p... and now it just seems like something I don't do anymore. that said, i need to work on the b/ping of "safe" foods now because I have gotten into that stupid habbit again. just try to focus on the end part... think about how much that part sucks-- the lonely, cold, guilty, shitty part. think about what you can do to make a nice night for yourself instead. like NOT making yourself do stuff either, like the gym or cleaning or something. just get some nice dinner and chill in front of the tv or something. let yourself be lazy and stuff without the b/p included. that helps me sometimes. anyway. this was so rambling, but I have a fever and am totally insanely sick & tired right now!
from vla :
that was the best entry EVER. I LOVED IT. I am too drunk to add much else. will write more later. xxxxooooo. ps. damn these fucking states in the way. damn them to hell. making me really sad right now.
from smallhanded :
me me me - I don't want to fuck your brains out. tee hee hee. But I would LOVE to see you. Would it be too dreadfully boring to just have a quiet night with a bottle of wine, dinner and some conversation at one of our homes? Or suggest something else, whatever, it would be really fun to see you. Sorry you are feeling so out of control now. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are just having fun which you really are entitled to. Just try not to be too self-destructive. xoxo
from vla :
like DUH you're not ready for a relationship, sweetie! please DO NOT feel bad about that... you just fucking got OUT of a relationship! you need to be single. for a while. you need to date and be silly and have fun and be alone and go through all of it... it's gonna take a while. OK? So no ethans and their demands for a bit. Just be clear with him: like, yeah, you're right; I appologize but I am NOT ready. And don't feel bad about needing some comfort today either. Even if it's from Anders. Just stay clear about yourself while you're with him... Like, don't allow him to make you feel worse. ? you know? Let him give you comfort, if that's what you need, but don't allow him to make you feel lower by reinforcing the notion that you're a mess. You're an adult & a strong woman who made a HUGE fucking decision without him. So don't forget about that. xxo. p.s. I am on IM today if you wanna chat!
from vla :
omg. that is hilarious. I mean, sorry... Am I suppose to offer words of advice or something? right. I am supposed to tell you to get your shit together, girl! But SERIOUSLY I think this is a normal phase, because I knowwwwww I had/have mornings like this, where I wake up thinking: whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat the fuck. (however, no chicago cops. cops??? what??? how did you meet a COP? maybe he's a fake cop? Like a stripper cop? that almost seems preferable.) I honestly think you're getting some lost time out of your system. But I also think you need true g.friends that you can be honest with about all of this in NY... like this stuff cannot be all secretive, hip! You're not being *bad*, you're living the single life... I think if you stick all this behavior in some evil, bad category, it is going to spin out of control. But if you have g.friends to talk to about it, and through it with, it's going to be ok. Like, so boys want to fuck you. AND? I mean, you're a hot girl! That's not bad. And so you mess around with them. AND? You're also a SINGLE hott girl... And so they're cops. ... Ok. That part is inexcusable. (HA.) I just think you need to have friend to talk about this stuff with, don't hide it. Will your friends there judge you or something? p.s. skip talking to A.
from vla :
I think you should probably pull back a bit with this kid... I know if you're not feeling it. well, you're just not feeling it. I know with people I have dated since kevin... you just feel attraction or you don't. and I think it only gets worse if they're way more into you than you're into them. and this dude is obviously way more into you. Like that guy Matt who called me a ton and wanted to all of a sudden make me his girlfriend. I went from thinking he was a nice guy to feeling kind of repulsed by him. I should have made that whole thing more clear--but I sort of let it drag on. I think you just need to make your feelings clear. Does that make sense? That said, it seems like you kinda like him but you don't want him to dip into boyfriend territory. So maybe just put some distance there... Like make it clear you're also dating other people or again remind him that you're JUST out of a relationship and are not looking for a boyfriend. I think it's ok to be clear and upfront. I think it might be good, actually. ??
from vla :
so I feel like I have been having THE MOST SOBER WEEK... and then I was just thinking about it and in reality: wasted Saturday night (WASTED.) drinks on Sunday night with mike, 1/2 bottle of wine, sober mon, sober tues, drinks weds, sober last night. Ok, so that's what I consider a super-duper sober string of five days? Like, what the fuck. I was feeling all virtuous this morning and then thought, jeez, it's not like I've gone two weeks without drinking or something! What the hell. But I really think it does have something to do with being single. Like... When you have a b.f. it's so much easier to stay in and be "good" you know? and... yeah. Singledom leads to drinking and stuff. Just try to take breaks? But if you really feel like it's about something darker, I don't want to gloss over it. ... this is funny, I thought for a sec you were going to be here tonight & got excited. Like, drinks with hip! ha-ha. such a good influence. um, tea with hip. ha.
from vla :
girl. seriously! I say have fun & stay safe. why the hell not?
from vla :
hmm... I am kinda doing the same things right now. the spending waaaay too much money. the drinking way too much, the sex, etc. so? hmm. I don't know what to say about this. I feel like it's because I was in a relationship for 6 years & am going through this freak out stage... like, freedom. But I know this happened after my last ex too. I know I have this side to me & sometimes I think I get in relationships to curb it. you know? I would NEVER talk to my Ps about it... but we are not close & it seems like maybe you turn to your Ps more...Or at least you spend more time with them. So I don't really know about that. I guess I think maybe you should give yourself a little time to sort it out. To me I guess it just seems like sort of a natural period of freak out---I mean, you did just get out of a pretty serious relationship. People tend to go a little wild for a bit. But are you saying you want help? can your parents offer you help? Are you seeing a T right now? What does she say? ... hmmm. We should talk.
from vla :
I agree with limey! So much to take in. SO much has changed... I feel like we're going through some similar stuff right now... I think you just need to date. Stop looking at these dudes as future husbands and just let yourself daaaaaaaaaate. That said: don't waste your time with short, pudgey dudes that you don't want to have another drink with! I love that you can be like, ok. I am done now. Bye. That's awesome. I feel like I am there too. Being a little more picky... But also I know I am not looking at every guy like he's the future mrs. vla. Anyway! Love you, hooker.
from limes-sugar :
OMG. these past two entries are so so so much to take in. wow. fuck. I think you are doing the right thing too....but lord, so much to digest!!
from vla :
I think this is very clearly the right thing, hip. My gut reaction was that he pulled that "going to propose this fall" thing as a trump card, like, his final grasp at your heart. And it seems kind of cruel to me, actually. If he had wanted to marry you, he should have worked on your relationship, worked on repairing things with you, not thrown that out there in such a lame/desperate manner. And I agree, it *shouldn't* change how you feel. Married or not, you were not feeling right about HIM. So a rock on your finger is not going to change that... Or change the issues you were having in your relationship, you know? Engagement may have given you a little relationship boost.. but then what? Then you're MARRIED to him. And all this stuff is still there. Right? Omg. Like if I had married ke? Jesus. So... I don't know. I just want to give you huge, huge, huge props for being so strong, hip. I am so amazingly proud of you!! You stood your ground! You listened to your heart and mind and really made a gigantic, hard decision. It's so brave. So, yay. Good for you.
from vla :
UPDATE. What's going on?
from justvivo :
I'm sorry you are feeling crappy, and I hope this time gives you some peace of mind. I think it took a great deal of courage. And, in the meanwhile, there is nothing like burying your face in the soft fur of a pup while your tears come.
from vla :
glad you did it, hip. proud of you for being so strong.
from jasminum :
Happy birthday, fellow Virgo. And about the "break"...good for you. I hope you get what you need out of it, be it going with the 90, or sticking out for the 10.
from razor-vixen :
Happy Birthday! And, well....hope everything ELSE goes okay.
from smallhanded :
Happy birthday! I hope the talk went okay. I'm thinking of you. I come home tomorrow -- would love to see you sometime. xoxo
from justvivo :
Happy, Happy Birthday and... GOOD LUCK!
from vla :
good luck to you! My thoughts are with you girl... I'm on IM for a while longer if you wanna chat. xo.
from vla :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
from vla :
No complaints here! I am so happy you're updating again!! I missed you a lot while you were on hiatus.
from vla :
wow, that was a lot. Seems like you're *really* thinking through all the sides of this, hip. Proud of you. And happy early birthday! Seems like weird timing... but happy b-day nonetheless. I think it seems like a good plan, but I think you should maybe anticipate talking about it with him a little more. It might just wind up happening. I'd just keep that in mind. Anyway. chin up. xo.
from limes-sugar :
I hear ya. I, when drunk, think similarly. So, I owe you a call. And Faith, actually. Will take care of that today. Want to talk.
from vla :
"I think the big problem is that I am not used to trusting myself. My brain is so good at shoving things aside, compartmentalizing, lying to itself and others, denying emotions, etc. that when I actually am straining to hear what my feelings actually are, I don't recognize my own voice." This just totally floored me for some reason. I relate to that so much... and it felt really tied to some of the e/d stuff for me, and just to, I guess, our *type* of personality in general, you know? I am really struggling with this same stuff right now, I think, but on the opposite side of the coin, in the single world. this work is not going to go away ... it'll be here relationship or not, this stuff of trusting yourself & trying to listen to what you really want in life.
from vla :
sorry I didn't get a chance to leave you a message yesterday... and no call last night! damn it, girl. too scared of me? ha ha. actually, I answered my cell when it rang with a # I didn't know because I thought it might be you calling at your parents or something, and it was MATT calling me AGAIN to try to hang out last night while I was on my way to hang out with Mike... GAH! Kinda funny and ALL YOUR FAULT. Hee. Anyway. Ok: breakup advice! Your reality is all you have. I think when we over think things, that's when it gets complicated and we get stuck in a rut and unable to make a decision... and I think you probably have the personality that tends to over think. Right? right. Me too. My friend G is always like: just do it. Go with your gut. Like with guys... Just go after it, just say the thing you shouldn't say, just go up to that guy in the bar, etc. Be fearless, reckless, open. Not to say you should just toss this relationship aside on a whim... but I think stewing over what really *IS* your perception, is just as flawed... It's like the old: what IS IS thing. I think these details you choose to mention, the emphases you place on things, that's what is important to YOU. That is what's vital and significant in this situation... The picture you're painting for everyone is what matters... so don't worry about it being skewed somehow. and it will evolve too, you will look at this differently when you look back on it, with a different perspective, but I don't think that means you will feel like you made a poor choice based on your current perspective. Dude. am I making any sense? I am so fucking hung over right now!!!!!!!!!! gah. chat me today because I will be bored.
from ecstasia :
All one has are their own feelings/perceptions, when you take time to think and dwell on something, and you are not conscious Also - " I find myself wishing he would cheat or something so I could dump him with a good reason" I have felt that many times with PB.
from jasminum :
The whole thing about wishing the quick and painless death as an easy way of you not dealing with the issue...yeah. Don't feel bad. I've thought it too...but again that's just another tick under the heading, "my gut is saying this one ain't it", and a tick under "reasons to stay: it'll be a pain in the ass to go through the motions of ending a LTR". Again...all my words are moot as I'm paralyzed by indecision and self-doubt, too.
from jasminum :
OK. Reading your Sep 5th entry was like reading my late night thoughts. I'm in the exact same position. The dwindling of both the basic friendship and general feeling of unquestionable "I want to be with him" has been steady for me over the last year, methinks. I am caught between knowing I have to end it, yet not knowing if it's the right thing, but then again, not wanting to go through the hassle. It shows in the small things, how I am no longer quick to brag to other people...or when family gushes at how wonderful he is, my first reaction is to disagree. So my advice is what I cannot do for myself - even though I completely recognize that if I were on the outside of my own situation, I would have told me to run a while ago - yet I cannot do it. If you don't love him (in the sense of foreverandeveramen) anymore, why are you wasting the "best of your unwrinkled and fertile years" on him? He's just not equal to your culturally cultivated, mature likings and senses. Don't you want someone to go cheese tasting with you? Someone who appreciates your gourmet experiments? Someone to enjoy a clean, fine household? Someone who will pamper you during pregnancy and do it lovingly and without question? Someone who is your greatest champion and you're safe in the knowledge that no matter how down you get on yourself, there's someone there to remind you of your greatness? I'm blathering on now. You get the picture. Stop wasting time. It's your life.
from limes-sugar :
Hey. So sorry to be so....cryptic.I feel I've just gone thru a lot with the whole Sam thing. I agree, if ultimately you ain't feelin it, I think then it's time to be done. With that said, I just...sometimes I regret our bup---even though HE broke up with ME. So..just weirdo emotions. I won't be in NY again until Oct. :( Wish you'd come visit!!xo
from limes-sugar :
"I KNOW it is huge but it doesn't feel huge. I can't feel. I feel totally bewildered and confused and scared and then eerily calm and decided."---very interesting. I TOTALLY felt the same way in regards to Sam...and even in regards to Tb. You are right, I am impulsive, but...after spending almost 4 years with Sam, and now *still* living with that back and forth regret/no regret....it's just a weird weird place. And honestly, I worry about you being alone. You seem to be in SUCHSUCH a better place. But...neither of us deal with lonely too well, we end up doing other things we shouldn't..and I have to tell you that once you end a relationship like the one you are in: prepare for loneliness. It subsides...it gets better, but it's just been a long f-ing journey. One I would not advise anyone to begin without much thought and decisiveness as you can muster up. xo.
from ecstasia :
Did you not receive my email? I sent you an email last night after reading your post and requesting opinions.
from smallhanded :
Sorry you are going through this. Ugh. That is just so hard. I kind of agree with Limes. You should not make a rash decision. All relationships involve ups and downs - times when it is super great and times when it is harder. There is no perfect person, etc. etc. But in the end, you have to listen to your heart and don't settle if you aren't in love. The things that annoy you now will be 1000 times more bothersome down the road so there need to be things that balance those out tenfold. I hope that makes sense. Take care and have fun in Nantucket! xoxo
from limes-sugar :
ooooooooo. ooooooo. Shit. Fuck. Hipp....I just don't know. I def. don't think this is something that you should just DO. I am not sure the call to action needs to be NOW. Shit. I feel like this requires so much more thought. I can kinda see you feeling super alone and sad when y'all break up *IF* you don't make sure that you are ready. I hear what you are saying....I can understand (and am feeling similar push/pull feelings myself)...but you guys have been together for a long time. I feel like you need to reallyreallyreally think this through.oof. shit. I am really sorry you are dealing w/ all this. But, on a funny note: your point by point of all that's wrong about A was really funny. Truly funny. I dare you to break up with him and say-"you just can't dance."
from vla :
Remember the revulsion stuff with your ex? Is it similar feelings with A? ... Just wondering if this is a pattern for you when you get super close with someone in a relationship... wondering if you distance yourself by focusing on their flaws... that'd be the only thing I would suggest for you to think about. I know you guys have done work on your relationship though, but as I recall a lot of the focus has been on you... like on your "problems" which probably got a little annoying as you've gotten in a better place, which is probably why you feel like you've outgrown him now, you know? Like maybe you felt like you needed someone like him at that point in your life, but now you don't so much? Kinda reminds me of how I felt about my ex-ex Justin. There was just a point where I was like, yeah, you're really beautiful, but I have just grown *past* you... and you're boring me. Nothing could get me past that realization... I just needed more, even if it was so difficult to have to break up with him and be single again, etc. Anyway. Let's chat again soon!
from vla :
YAY! I DL update from HH? I almost died. So... yeah. I used to go out and be the only non-drinker a lot... And, well, it sucked. So I totally feel you on this. And I kind of agree that it's only alcoholics that have a "problem" with non-drinkers when the rest of the people are drinking. I kind of see how it's more fun if everyone is drinking, but it's not like I'd ever have a *problem* with the non-drinker, right? But for an alcoholic it sheds some light on their behavior, I think... and it bugs them. Makes them feel guilty. I have noticed this, too. It really irked my one alcoholic friend when I was not drinking. Anyway. Sometimes I still go out and nurse 1/2 a drink or something if I just really want to see my friends. You can still be cool and not drink, Hip. hee. You're such an awesome person and so lovely and cool... you really do not need that crutch! I mean, i know it's fun & I certainly do it all the time too, but if you're looking not to do it so much. :)
from vla :
It's ok and natural to question things... Don't beat yourself up about it. You're just thinking things through. No matter what happens, it's normal, hipp.
from ecstasia :
Hey love, it has been quite a long while, I miss reading you and hope things are well and safe with you. Please update soon. now I know how you felt when I went away. = <
from ecstasia :
So awesome on the raise, and the manicures sound like a very good plan, I mean you have incentive to not ruin them not only because it is money spent, but because they look pretty and each manicure (each week) is a step closer to having healthier nails. Anyway, I too am stuck in that middle period. Lamenting the behavior of today whilst vowing to do better tomorrow. So I hear you. Hope all is well, and hope you get some rest. Loves
from vla :
congratulations on the raise! That is so awesome!! Also, I am trying to be better about my nails too. Funny. I miss your more frequent updates, but I take it as a good sign that you're busy & happy.
from vla :
I can't leave a GB message from my home computer; why is that?? so feel free to delete this if you want... but I think that situation is totally normal. but your reaction is totally normal too. especially if you're feeling insecure in the first place... I seriously would not sweat it though. side note: ke & I keep our history function turned OFF. hee. it helps!
from ecstasia :
World Class Cleaners on 9th Street right off 6th avenue. It makes me so happy to know that you're still reading. If you're ever on ichat and see me please feel free to chat me up. Anyway, world class will drop off and pick-up ANYWHERE in the city, so they;ll drop off at your office if you like. I go to them b/c I've been going to them since I started living on Christopher so I'm comfy there, but I may want to go to a different tailor since one of the ladies bothers me sometimes. But they do wash and fold too.
from enurta :
det h�r �r deadpassive. jag har flyttat, du kan ju adda mig om du vill :) take care <3
from limes-sugar :
HILARIOUS NOTE. What's up. Your updates have been..saddd sad. More more more.
from smallhanded :
Oh no...I am the one who said that it is so boring and a waste of time. Believe me, that doesn't mean I don't stress about my body and weight still...I totally do...I'm not "over it"....I just do think it is a waste of time and energy that could be much better spent in a zillion other ways. But I'm sorry that I made you feel bad. Also, I'm sorry that we haven't gotten together in so long. It's ridiculous. I'm going to be in Chicago at the beginning of November too -- but I'm going over a weekend so probably not the same time as you. Ah well. We should just make a plan to get together in NYC like normal people who live in the same place. Sorry again. take care. xoxo
from limes-sugar :
hahahhahahaha. I know. A girl with a past of eating disorders gettting married and having the last name KITCHEN. I mean, could I have made him change it to Cocina or something? Anyway, it's done now!
from deadpassive :
sure, e-mail [email protected] and I'll send it to you.
from onionrings :
hey there! i don't have a pw =) just stop by if you'd like
from deadpassive :
jag f�rst�r vad du menar med att det �r bra att uppfostra barn h�r. men new york �r s� annorlunda j�mf�rt med stockhom t.ex, jag vill se New York. allting verkar s� annorlunda d�r...jag vet inte. vad har Anders f�tt f�r jobb d�? vad �r han f�r n�got? vad g�r du? sj�lv hoppade jag av skolan n�r jag var 17... ;*/
from deadpassive :
jag tyckte om ditt inl�gg, den var kul ;) din svenska �r verkligen j�ttebra, det m�rks att du har jobbat h�rt med spr�ket. jag bor norr om stockholm, emot m�rsta kan man s�ga. �r du tillbaka i USA nu? hur kommer det sig att du inte bos�tter dig h�r i sverige med Anders?
from deadpassive :
jaaa..jag bor i sverige, utanf�r stockholm r�ttare sagt. wow, har du l�rt dig svenska? hur l�ng tid tog det? du �r ju j�ttebra f�r fan! ;P
from deadpassive :
God forts�ttning :) are you still in sweden?
from deadpassive :
i would like to read you're diary.please please giveme the password ;) my e-mail is [email protected] take care,
from blueeyesblue :
Danged guestbooks!! Hmm ... your latest entry -- the part about cooking -- made me laugh because it was so deja vu. You made WHAT??? You are 25, and you are knocking yourself because you're not both a lawyer AND Martha Stewart, and so the sauce was thick? C'mon -- you are amazing. You KNOW that. Anders is clearly amazing also, which is why you may have felt bad about the sauce ... I experience that a lot with M, when his brilliance and proximity get me down. I start feeling fat and ugly -- and a bad cook, except that he doesn't care anyway, which bugs me. So, anyway, in response to your quote: Why is it that a brilliant, talented, successful woman like you (or in my backwoods hick world, me) still feels compelled to starve in order to be succesful? You and I can both analyze the mechanics of starvation, but why did I have to be thin to get out of westm1nster west, Vt., and why do you have to be thin now? It sucks, doesn't it?
from cheerbear623 :
a copy of your paper would be much appreciated, if you don't mind. my email is [email protected] i look forward to reading it. congrats on your grade and thanks.
from razor-vixen :
Yay, congratulations! Please don't sell yourself short...however you think your grade sucked, you GRADUATED from a GOOD LAW SCHOOL! Not many people can say that. So I say be proud of yourself too.
from razor-vixen :
I know it seems sooo slow, but they say that if you lose it slowly, you have a better chance of keeping it off. Way to go for sticking to this; I know it's hard for you. I'm certain Anders is proud of you also.
from razor-vixen :
But apparently now you can't call her "J.Lo" anymore. She doesn't like that. So I guess it's "Jenny from the Block" from now on! If you see anyone interesting, let us know!
from heffs-world :
hey! I was just wondering if I could have your password. my e-mail is [email protected]
from feelsnothing :
Do you care that you have to be different for Anders? I was placed in a similar situation quite recently. I met this guy and he came over to hang out. Hes completely against smoking and seeing as I cheef more than occasionally that causes a problem. Anyway, while he was here Thursday night I packed my one-hitter and asked him if he minded. He said he prefered I not but, I did. Haha. Were still talking/hanging out though. Haha
from feelsnothing :
[email protected]
from fatgirl- :
thank you for the kind welcome to diaryland =) i'm 21, still on christmas break and itching to get back to school. being at home drives me crazy most of the time, so i can't wait to get back to my normal routines. my eating has been horrendous to say the least. i forgot that stupid statistic, of how much weight the average american gains over the halloween/thanksgiving/christmas trifecta of holidays. hrmph. but i have to tell you, i really admire your writing, both in style and content. no wonder you have so many fans =)
from gaunt :
Heyhey, I was wondering if I could have the password My email is [email protected] Love ya
from feelsnothing :
Hi! Can I read your diary? Please
from agonie :
Thanks! It's been a while that I read your name other's people profiles, and they all wrote such nice things about you... plus, I think your name is funny but tragedic in the same time.
from agonie :
Wahat have I done to you? You never answered to my first attempt to read your diary. At least say no, so I won't be bothering you again...;)
from heinrich :
they may not have been engaged. she may just have said "fiance" because it was an official email and "fiance" sounds more formal and grown-up than "boyfriend." don't worry! (ok, well, you will worry. but you shouldn't. you're awesome, and he knows it.)
from e3c1h2o :
just took your survey and i feel like i need to read ur diary. i tried to e~mail u but it didnt work, it says thats not a valid e~mail. but nah forealythough, feel like we're in the same sinking boat. please send me your password at [email protected]! thanx
from razor-vixen :
Hey Hippo! Way to go on keeping control over your food intake. I know how hard that is. Even a small victory is a victory, none-the-less.
from schoonie :
grr..boo on stupid can't sign again this fast message. Definitely NOT pissed; trying to be funny. I love you, you know that. You are my homey, straight up now tell me. Also, this girl? NOT my girlfriend; probably never will be. Are you online? ME so BORED right now!
from intangibles :
where oh where oh where has hippo gone??
from whiterussian :
hey! i was wondering if i might take a look in your diary...my email is [email protected]
from notthinyet :
hey! i'm just writing to let you know that i'm back and alive and my diary is back up. hugs, Anna
from amongst :
Hey. Our guestbooks aren't working. Grr. Writing here is just as fine. I am constantly amazed (nearly every day, unless there's a mini-crisis happening) by your intelligence. French, law, George Orwell quotes! I am *so* glad I read you. Talk to you. Whatever we have through tragic journals, I appreciate. xox .i'll stop before I get retarded and corny.
from amongst :
I'm watching 'Top Hat' with Fred staire & Ginger Rogers. So lovely. What happened to this type of orchestrated, musical films. Now we have all this violence.. & sex. Ugh. I'm entranced! & taping it! I hope your day goes swimmingly <3
from diaryreviews :
Yeah, you can get a rereview. I'd just re-apply. Maybe something went wrong. --Cara
from diaryreviews :
what happened was you got reviewed. http://diaryreviews.diaryland.com/hungryhipp.html
from amongst :
it's the worst when you don't even want to b/p. but you just do. how weird & horrible do you feel after it, hey. gr. ive had popcorn, choclate & a banana today. the popcorn will scratch my throat :(
from miaohmia :
I would like to read your diary if that is ok. Can you give me your password?
from schoonie :
hey...thanks for checking out my diary...awwww...someone has a crush on me. You should give me the password to your diary so that I can check it out.
from n3ed :
.. i cant believe. that's.. so wrong. but it was yesterday. and you have to enjoy the rest of the holidays. bye!
from wrthlss :
Some Diaryland writers have come to see the truth. Good luck to all.
from fluency :
whoa. you should report that bitch to child services. how terrifying.
from amberfalls :
Hello! I just noticed that you added me to your favorites. I wanted to say thank you. -a-
from alysia :
hi this is wordy7. i am just letting you know that i've moved journals. hee. and i've also forgotten the pw. :( care to share?
from rouge99 :
Hippo, have you changed your password? I can't seem to get in :( XOXO melia
from maralisa :
I doubt you even read me any more (I was glitterscars, once upon a time) but just in case: username=passport, password=control xx
from emaciated- :
Hey there. Thank you for offering. I would have asked for the password in the last note, but I figured it'd just get laughed at. But yes, I'd love to read if you wouldn't mind.
from emaciated- :
Nicely put. And thank you. All's well.
from emaciated- :
Oh boy. I speak the truth to a few vunerable souls, and that makes me decietful. Hmmm... and simply stating the brutal truth of a few observations of mine is judgement. I appoligize that your personal connotation of unfeelingness and cruelty is so warped, and that by fueling your "friends" self-destructive behaviors that you think you're truly doing something good. The only "psychological underpinings" you seem to understand are those which you share with them--a dependancy on exploiting one's self-destruction, and how to fuel it in others. And that's unfortunate. THAT is what's cruel and unfeeling. I can't quite seem to understand why everyone assumes that by not writing in this damn diary anymore that I'm in "recovery". I didn't stop writing about an eating disorder because it had disapeared, but simply because I didn't want to write about a fucking eating disorder. I don't understand why denying one's eating disorder automaticaly qualify's me as a liar, or that I've been "pretending to be anorexic". I simply didn't want to glorify this mindless way off life. Because it truly is just that. It wasn't the eating disordered I judged in that last entry, but the ways people go about embracing it. By making diaries, by starting "support groups"... by letting it run their lives. But perhaps everyone needs to be judged. There are hundreds and hundreds of anorexic girls in Diaryland. And not a single one of them is exceptional because they are included. I think that the idea of bonding over and sharing the detials of one's eating disorder are completely idiotic. However, a very select few that I've spoken to are more than just an anorectic. They have minds, incredible minds at that, but are unfortunatly, too preoccupied with the most ignorant and petty thing a person could possibly preoccupy themselves with--food, weight, and appearances... It's vanity in it's worst possible form. But either way... I've gotten mail from people saying that I've truly helped them. I didn't help them puke up a sandwhich, or go a week without eating, but simply helped them see such behaviors in a horribly negative light. And it worked. I offend people because I give a shit. I just can't sit back and listen to starving girl after starving girl complaining about their horrible life, and their horrible body, when they may very well have an incredible mind that they aren't making use of because they're too busy publicly obsessing. Writing in their diaries to keep "strong". Anorexia is fueled by this fucking place. By people like you, and so many others, that don't make any effort whatsoever to try and change a person for the better. And I don't mean the physical better either. I simply didn't want to rot my mind any longer by documenting my every idiotic behavior, and I figured I'd hopefully inspire a few people to do the same. And I did I'll have you know. More than I expected. And that makes all of the moronic, pissy, petty little notes that I've gotten, much like your own, completely worth it. No matter what horrible things are said to me, I'm not going to appoligize for taking an approach so hard to swallow for so many to simply open up a few eyes, because it worked. It made sence to far more people than I expected. So excuse me for caring enough about the people on here to actually attempt to inspire a mentaly healthy change. ...So best of luck to you in shrinking that body right along with your ever diminishing brain cells.
from wordy7 :
is your fitday public? i am just curious in seeing it (if it is and if you were willing to share the address)
from begging-ana :
username: ana password: 1963... its on my hunger-hurts diary if you ever need it.
from notthinyet :
Hi! Glad to hear that you're "back on the wagon" of sorts. the holidays are always horrible! I was laughing when I read about your "cheapo" diet. I've been on one since Wednesday and I've lost about 4 pounds. I'm also restricting a lot too, but I eat the same things except for beans. I'm not too much of a fan. I hope it works out for you too! Just set yourself a limit per week moneywise and it should be wonderful... you'll have a fat wallet to pad your thin butt :) Keep up the gym too! it does help to make one feel wonderful, huh? xoxo ~Anna
from skelechick :
just sitting here waiting for the page to load and had a stupid thought- h to the ippo... lol, sad isnt it? i quite agree with you on your analysis of my promiscuity. dont love myself enough to be in a loving relationship. i hope that can change for you, for me, and for all other deviants of our kind. xoxo muah
from sharpsecret :
thank you for caring enough to say that x
from wrthlss :
Mmmm. Interesting.
from wordy7 :
May I have the password to your journal as well? [email protected]
from jess29 :
I'm so bummed you locked your diary:( If you feel comfortable I'd love to have the password so I can continue to read it. YOu can just leave a note at my diary or email me at [email protected]. Thanks and I hope things are OK with ya! PS..I love mayo sandwiches too...my friends all call me weird when I eat em so it's great to meet someone else!
from fluency :
hello love. um. i missed the chance to join your notifylist. :( i'll just email ya.
from wrthlss :
Yeesh! What did your dad do to deserve such scorn? Does he support you financially? That's one thing to be thankful for. Did he give you good genes? That's another.
from wrthlss :
You're in law school? Wow. Now I'm impressed. That's grest. But you see, it's even more important that you get a handle on your problem with food. All this obsession with food is taking up too much time. Try to find a therapist, a specialist who can really help you. A person can lick a difficult problem, there are many examples of that. There are people who face real tough problems and they triumph. You have to start. You have to tackle your problem. You are wasting a lot of time and energy on this stupid vomiting.
from fluency :
crap. i just tried to leave you a not in your gbook, but it got eaten. anyway, i wanted to empathize with you mommmy situation. damn. mom's know all. you cant get anything past them. you gotta be extra careful now, or dont b/p, but you know that. merry merry christmas to you. hope your enjoying your time off. man, how lovely to do nothing (well, i'm actually doing lots, but, different work.) take care. xoxo
from wrthlss :
Curiosity?
from waltzingyeti :
hi. i like your bluntness ( a good thing - presenting people with reality). eating disorders...problematic and yet so reassuring. (redeeming myself from charges of hypocrite, i do speak from a little experience). can i recommend a book? maybe you have read it, maybe you will, maybe it will help, maybe not... Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia - Mary Hornbacker (sp.?). check it out. i liked it alot. really insightful. as for fitday...i can see its appeal, but i am still undecided. waltzingyeti
from dulcesg :
hey... ehh fitday, not sure... u seem pretty sane when your self monitoring... also i wanted to ask # 1 do u live in nyc?? how old are u ? # 2... #3 howd u get a cheap pass to nysports clubs? id love to workout there? how much is the 'cheapo pass'? sorry if i sound like a jackass. im in a simply express.ask.think.do what u feel mood/// please respond *LUV your honesty by the way
from obsessional :
Doesn't it suckthat the body just doesn't listen to it's commands? Well, I think we should make it listen! But on another topic you did the right thing with breaking up with your boyfriend, hey, think on the bright side, you guys might hook up again once you feel you can handle it. He seems as if he is the perfect guy for you. I hope things do go well for you and that your life starts to make sense, atleast a bit. Obsessional
from notthinyet :
Give yourself some more credit for avoiding that b/p on Sunday! Even if you feel it was because you were too tired to go, it's still a huge step in the right direction. Every day is a little victory. Good luck on that international law exam... that course sounds so interesting! xoxo
from notthinyet :
Don't lose hope! everyone has those days, dont fret and keep up a positive attitude :) I hope the rest of your weekend goes well!
from clairenicole :
Hey, it's nicoleclaire. I'm just letting you know that I got this new diary due to paranoia. There's nothing in it yet but I'll get around to it soon enough :)
from notthinyet :
Your latest entry might as well have summed up parts of my weekend and Sunday. I feel exactly the same way. I'm sending you positive thoughts and hoping things went better for you on Monday! Hopefully we'll both turn around soon. :) much love
from notthinyet :
Sorry, I meant to write The Ring instead of Panic Room... My roommate distracted me and asked if we wanted to rent that tonight so i wrote it down. I hope that note makes more sense now :-)
from notthinyet :
I'm glad that you were able to talk to Josh about your feelings.... it does help A LOT. It's a step in the right direction. Josh must be a great guy to stay by your side through this all :) Thank you so much for all the encouraging notes you leave me. I'm glad someone takes an interest in my love life! We're goign to see Panic Room, his suggestion. I can't wait! Have a good night and stay out of trouble ;-)
from razor-vixen :
I'm so sorry to read about your bad night last night. I don't think there's anything I can say to help you. You're an amazing person, please don't forget that. Things must get better.
from notthinyet :
Thanks for making me feel better about my bar exploits :) I figured I'm not that bad since all i do is kiss and leave, but I still wasn't sure. The self esteem boost from kissing is like yet another addiction I have to overcome. As for your inability to purge effectively, here's a tip. Sometimes I just can't, and then other times it's too easy. If you drink any soda at all, then I would try a glass or two of diet coke or sprite right before. It helps me at least. I just seem to absorb water instantly. Take care!
from jennstarr :
I understand! Wonderful diary. Chow! Jenn
from crzy4blues :
Hey Hippo! This is Mandi, a.k.a. BluesChick13. I have a new diary up. Crzy4Blues is my new name. Just thought that I'd drop you a note to let ya know that I finally have a diary back up and running. Hopefully friends and family won't find this one out this time. ~Mandi~
from elliemulder :
eee! Ellie is indeed a Diaryland whore. PS I don't pay attention to pseudo-intellectuals who still spell "you're" and "your" as "ur". You shouldn't either.
from cybele212 :
(Before I even begin: Just saw the note below from MissSixty or whoever- ignore, darling, ignore. Deep breathing. Om.) Hey there � who you callin� drunk, drunk??? ;-) Be careful driving, Hippo � I know that goes without saying, but I am saying it anyway. Got your note � thanks yet again. Yes, I know you�re not in high-school, silly � unless you are some sort of a law school Doogie Houser, I know for a fact that you are northward of 22 � I seem to remember you saying you are 23, right? I am also northward of 22 � although southward of 29 would probably be more accurate. Yes, I am old. I accept it (kind of). I think that I can safely chop off at least a few years for utter lack of emotional maturity, however. (Btw, after intense mathematical calculations and at least 15 minutes of research to determine the exact calorie count per 100ml of Woodpecker Cider, I arrived at the conclusion that, even with the alcohol I consumed last night, I was still under 1200 calories for the day. So, subtract out the exercise I did (500 calories burnt), and I came in around 750 net. Isn�t FitDay grand for allowing us such precise measurement of our neurotic behavior?)
from sixtypilots :
i don't know you, but you're probably a cellulite blob of fat. maybe you can go drink a bottle of ethanol and bid us all farewell, contribute to the world by removing urself from the gene pool. that would be at least one good thing you could do for everyone, since you can't seem to get off your fat cellulite ass to better urself. why not? you're fat, ugly, self indulgent, and don't want to recover from ur anorexia, and ur killing urself off anyway and you even said urself that you don't intend on changing it, so why not make it quick and fast with a nice bottle of pure alcohol. i can promise confidently that you'll feel a hell of a lot better afterwards. Though T.S Elliot is in your fav authors/poets corner, you obviously have no intellect whatsoever to understand his highly intellectual pieces, as you've turned out as a self indulgent "oh i'm insane and anorexic and proud of it" drunk. =) *smile* there, does that make you feel better luv? neato supreamo - apparently neurotic http://apparentlyneurotic.deviantart.com
from cybele212 :
Hey there - just back from CA, just made a substanative entry. Thanks for adding your sweet note about moi to your favorites list - I am suitably humbled. Have fun at Ivar - do tell all. A bientots!
from glitterscars :
Ah, the joys of intelectual property law in relation to the Internet await me in a few weeks' time. Meeting Diaryland friends is fun too - I went to a gig with beutifulson and disodave and I are regular coffee-buddies (when he's in the country!)
from glitterscars :
Perhaps I've never truly experienced and eating disorder, but emotional turmoil is certainly nothing new. As is the nightmare of coping with a law degree, although as I haven't been reading you for too long and coursework means I don't really have time to catch up at the moment, I don't know if perhaps you find things as difficult to cope with as I do! I think it's amazing the number of truly diverse people who identify with each other over the little things - and it's all thanks to Diaryland!
from glitterscars :
Thank god for your notify list - having no space on my buddies doesn't mean I don't want to read your beautiful, strong, inspirational words every day xx
from cybele212 :
Another one from me - thanks for YOUR note..yay, I have a reader! Also, I just bought Kashi GoLean cereal on your recommendation, and it is AMAZING! I don't even feel guilty about the carbs bc it's such awesome fiber.
from cybele212 :
hey - you WERE missed - don't worry. i just discovered your diary this week and have been waiting anxiously for you to get back to LA and report on your doings in NYC. Glad you had a good time! :-)
from iluvspeed :
Hey, I missed you. But I don't expect the same amount of updates when a person's traveling.
from hunger-hurts :
i find comfort in reading your diary. <3
from sawyercm :
I think the question was about your other survey...I just asked if you ever got it. I filled it out and when I submitted it, I got a "page cannot be displayed" message... and I can't remember if I said something about Josh being too busy to see you this week or if I just thought it...but really, I would be upset also...and I'm pretty sure he would hear about it if I was...I don't know...I've always been like that..When we were dating, my husband told me once that guys expect their girlfriends to get upset with them about certain things and they are taken aback if they don't (I was afraid to say anything to him for a while because I didn't want him to leave!). Anyways...you handle Josh a lot better than I would.
from blueschick13 :
Oh No!! You locked your diary! Yours was one of the few that I read faithfully. :( Sigh... oh well. ~Mandi~
from stinggypigg :
AACK!! a lock on your diary? i'm so upset now. may i please be one of the privileged few that get to read it? (unless, of course, i'm being extra-scary right now because i'm the reason you put the lock on in the first place...) drop me a note in my diary, if you'd be so kind.
from fluency :
wow. this guy sounds too good to be true! yay for understanding wonderful boys! xox
from nothot :
when you explain it it sounds so sweet! this boy sounds like a keeper. i hope things work out for the best with u
from nothot :
hey, thanx for the advice, it's cool i like advice :) yeah i really gotta cut down on carbs :( lol especially once i start drinking again! although wine is something i can't stomach, the only thing i drink is vodka and i love it lol. Josh sounds odd?? lol no offense but i dont think i've met a guy who's turned down a blow job before?? :)
from skelechick :
you did add me, i can see you online right now, but youre away..
from nothot :
hey good luck with cooking him dinner tonight if he does change his mind? why wouldn't he want you to?? and about my fit day thingie yeah i know i gotta cut out the carbs :( but that's my weekness i LOVE them so much :(
from krispiepop :
hey ducky!have a lovely birthday. go easy on the coke and the cake!lotsa luv, kx
from ecstasia :
Hiya, so - I've updated, come and see...
from iluvspeed :
Hiya! Bean soups are my savior. Ralph's sells these dry bean soup cups [Private Selection brand]. They range from 190-230 cals each and they're filled with nutrients so you don't get hungry for hours and hours. I know what you mean about feeling fat in LA. I saw a woman that looked like a friggin' bookmark today. Grrrr.
from notthinyet :
Hey girl! Scary, i was just as drunk if not more drunk last night. I barely remember getting from the party to my bed! I'm the same way... i don't crave alcohol but when i have the opportunity to drink then it's over. unless i have to drive, then i stop before it's really bad :) hopefully your dinner tonight won't be too hard, keep up the good work from Wednesday (minus the alcohol)! btw, is tasti-d-lite a chain or is it only in NYC? it sounds too good to be true! Take care, Anna
from kirliecue :
Hey... I work for a music promotions company in Atlanta called Wiley Music. I was wondering if you'd be interested in a project we have coming up in New York that you could earn $100 for. If you'd like more information, please email me back today at [email protected].
from notthinyet :
:) thanks for explaining why i felt like that. it helped a bit to end the feeling of intense self-centeredness. I love your diary! it's one of the ones i check regulary... you write very very well. i wish i had a talent like that! it takes me much too long to make something seem well-written, so i dont bother. for you it comes easily. keep up the good work and feel free to email me any time you need someone to listen. Sorry if you got a note twice, the first time it said error. :)
from notthinyet :
:) thanks for explaining why i felt like that. it helped a bit to end the feeling of intense self-centeredness. I love your diary! it's one of the ones i check regulary... you write very very well. i wish i had a talent like that! it takes me much too long to make something seem well-written, so i dont bother. for you it comes easily. keep up the good work and feel free to email me any time you need someone to listen. Sorry if you got a note twice, the first time it said error. :)
from wilyred :
Hi there, Enjoying your diary so far. I wanted to email you since you also are part of the working world. Sometimes it can be tough to relate to highschoolers. I think you should write about other things besides your eating disorder, there's a lot more to you. I can also relate to you being tall. Talk to you soon. -Lisa
from prettyskinny :
Hi! Thanks for signing my guestbook! You became immune to Xenadrine!? Scary. We *do* sound a lot alike, especially about the internalizing. One of my nicknames in school was the Ice Princess or something stupid like that. I just don't want anyone to know I have problems. How long have you had eating disorders? How did they start? I'm always so curious about the reason someone else first felt the urge to shove their own fist down her throat. (sigh) Sometimes I get so sick of myself and my problems, you know? I'd much rather be someone else. Here's my email address: [email protected]. Feel free to chat if you want! Later!

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