messages to i-am-jack:
(click here to add new message):

from musikoid :
Yes, it's all very good news. My friend Lynne said the same thing, in different words, that I appear to be managing the mania fairly well, all things considered. Now it's just a matter of keeping it up.
from peggypenny :
I have sensitive hearing. Can I share how I help myself? For away little me me me sounds that are annoying and I can't put my mind away from them... Headphones and favorite dream fantasy. I have to mentally image create all the details. Every fine detail. The color of my toe nail polish. Yes, that detailed. My fantasy dream is better, stronger, more what I like then that little annoying ... hum? oh, I'm in my fantasy completely 4 dee now. I can even smell my dream fantasy. Awe ... Exactly right. awe awe awe....... phew
from musikoid :
That must be it about the saline. When I looked it up I was thrown because everything came up about some injection. He did say they were concerned about an infection. (Yes, first word was "injection" not "infection.") So I became confused. But I'm sort of in a confused state anyway right now. I'm sure my toe is fine, I ran OK. It sounds like you're gradually getting back on the good foot, which I'm glad.
from musikoid :
That's all right, Jack. Take care of yourself. You've always been more than supportive. I don't think I've caught your very last entry, but I'll be sure to note you once I do. Again, take of you. You're worth it.
from chakra-nadi :
people like me don't get to have help. we have to help ourselves.
from papotheclown :
Thanks for the password, friend. I have no real advice for you, but I am here with you as best as I can be.
from musikoid :
Jack, I just read your locked "for now" entry, and I gotta say, if I had a twin, it would be you, dude. I get Internet-paranoid a lot, and to just the extent you describe. It does pass, and I'm not convinced that you're headed toward a psychotic breakdown. It's extremely strong when it's happening, and the scary thing is that it's not exactly *just* paranoia. Google and Microsoft and Facebook ARE tracking us. They do it because they have the power to do so. But as far as, how this affects our lives? It doesn't seem to. They are tracking ALL of us, and that is so much information, that it's highly unlikely they will single out any one of us, for any reason that will actually affect our day-to-day. But I can totally relate to the fear, I remember just last week when they wouldn't let me post something that had complained about the Facebook Messenger and other interface annoyances, asking if others felt the same thing or if I were alone on the matter. You and I discussed this. They didn't explain; they didn't put up a pop-up saying I had violated a T.O.S. - probably because I hadn't. Their spiders just picked up something that seemed anti-Facebook (even though if reads carefully, I was basically only making "I statements" and saying that if others don't have this problem, more power to them.) Somehow it bugged them enough to remove my postings. I've had weird experiences with Google as well, and Microsoft too. Not so much Twitter or WordPress, though. IDK Jack. Best thing to do, in my humble opinion, is log off the damn social media and smell the roses. But I wanted to let you know I relate. I get paranoid too. But a new day dawns.
from floodtide :
Got it, thanks. Wasn't sure who "beigenova" was at first, but after a moment's thought I had a guess. So sorry that you are hurting so deeply, and so sorry that I can't be there in person at least to wrap you in a hug and offer love. You are in my thoughts.
from musikoid :
I don't think there is a bipolar 3. Bipolar 4 means that a manic episode is triggered by an anti-depressant without any prior instance of bipolar disease in the patient. My therapist in Berkeley told me that he did not believe I was bipolar, but that I am ADHD, and that the manic episode in 2004 was induced by a psychiatric medication, simulating the effects of a bipolar manic episode, without my actually being bipolar. A psychiatrist in Berkeley whom I only saw once said the same thing. But Dr. Rienze insisted I was bipolar. The other two said that the bipolar symptoms were simulated as a result of substance abuse. But Rienze said that people who are bipolar often make erratic decisions when in a manic phase, one of which is to use dangerous substances. Because of the ping pong effect, I used these statements to fortify my then lack of faith in psychiatry. Today, perfectly clean and sober, I am less resentful and more objective. Therefore I have decided that I am both ADHD and Bipolar One Hypomanic. As far as medication? The jury's still out. God knows it has NEVER helped. But the jury's out because I haven't given Prayer, Meditation, and a positive change in lifestyle a sufficient fair go.
from chakra-nadi :
well i don't know if i feel like taking pics of my coats but I was considering posting images of the art I've been doing.
from musikoid :
I must have missed an entry of years, as I see the previous noter alluded to your writing again. I'll catch up. By the way, I didn't realize the DSM-5 was out. I wonder if Bipolar Four is included...
from papotheclown :
I am glad you are writing again.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack. It always feels good to finally speak my mind, so long as I do so in good taste. Facebook wouldn't let it post. I tried five times in different ways. Probably their spiders caught some kind of "anti-Facebook" element, but if read carefully the statements are largely I-statements referring to my own neuro-physiological difficulties with FB and social media, and I was not implicating Facebook so much as stating my own personal predilections and social philosophy. Then again, Facebook is obviously opposed to my social philosophy, as are many people (especially social media addicts who spend all their time on those god-awful smart phones.) I have a flip phone myself. It's not nearly as stressful, but I really would like to invest in a land line and go Rotary for the home phone. By the way, I posted it on WordPress which automatically posts everything onto my Facebook and the spiders failed to detect it. Cleaned it up only in that I removed caps that looked like I was yelling and replaced the F-Word. It reads stronger that way, less of a rant, and more of a well-thought out social statement. It's getting attention, too - I think it's one of my better posts. https://edeninbabylon.com/2017/10/29/by-nature/
from papotheclown :
And that is both deeply romantic and tragic at the same time. I told a friend that my thing with my ghost felt like a Victorian romance novel or a story that you'd hear about Van Gogh or something. We are both clearly drawn to each other, but still can't figure out how to be together. And that sounds like you and your ghost. I obviously have no solution to this problem. I try to resist writing her, but there are times when it feels every molecule in my being will explode if I don't. I guess I just accept that this will be yet another unsatisfied longing that I just have to live with now.
from musikoid :
Agreed on all counts. Frat Boy was hurt when I first went out in April, he loves me and he couldn't believe I had *that* problem. I've noticed that I haven't seen the cab driver around lately either -- he's usually inescapable if I walk the streets of this small town at night. Maybe they took care of him. Norman said the other day that a report had been filed, but the police were in the process of gathering evidence. About my lifelong friend, I've noticed that he's a lot more likely to put his faith in a compendium of doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists than in, say, a sense of God in his life, or counselors made up of good trusted friends. So he is somewhat the opposite of me in that sense. I'm probably at the other extreme, where I feel that if I have to *pay* for someone's help, and they're making *money* off of me, then it probably isn't true help, because they're doing it for the money, and not for me. I realize that may be extreme, but between the two extremes, I prefer my own.
from papotheclown :
It was possibly just as hard to write as it was to read. I told a friend that I am definitely feeling the "hopeless" part of being a "hopeless romantic." And I get not wanting to write the ghost back. I will eventually have to stop writing mine back as well. We are holding on for something, you and I. I hope we both find it soon.
from musikoid :
I can't help but have noticed in the past 51 days of no mind-altering agents, save the relatively brief and very forgettable deviation with marijuana, that I am much *much* more spaced out & all-over-the-map then ever before. Funny how the different chemicals affect different people differently. Also, at different times in my life, things like alcohol and marijuana have had different effects on me. I am convinced now that for me, absolutely sobriety is the finest state, though I doubt I'll give up my caffeine. I do notice that even one cup of coffee can trigger mania on certain days. But all in all, I feel that my challenge is to retrain my mind, with the help of God, so that none of these external chemical agents will be of any real usefulness. I think it's happening slowly for me, and as they say in Christianity and in Alcoholics Anonymous, one day at a time.
from musikoid :
I also know what you mean about focusing *better* when you're under the influence. That hasn't been my experience with alcohol per se, but it's definitely my experience with marijuana. It's still a struggle with me, because the times I've done it before Choir or playing at the church, people always compliment me that I seem more focused and am doing a better job. Some people even said: "Now you're finally getting it, and putting in the subtleties that show us your true devotion." Then I feel guilty because I know in my heart that it's coming from marijuana, and not from God -- or even from a manifestation of my true inner self, taking "God" out of the picture, for the sake of clear communication. Then, since it's supposed to be the "House of God" I feel terribly guilty for relying on a substance to feign true devotion. (Not to mention, I run out of weed and it costs money and a trip to another State to obtain it.)
from musikoid :
The Invasion of the Cockroaches. There were more of them every time I walked through the door.
from floodtide :
Thank you so much for your recent two notes. You are helping more than you know. Another regular reader was bothered enough about my concerns to ask a longtime AA friend, who insisted that I do it ALL or I'm not going it. My sponsor calls these people "Big-Book Thumpers." They begin many of their sentences at meetings with "You HAVE to...." I don't like sentences that begin that way, ever. I'll get around to my own solution, eventually, but one truth you raise is a big one: being honest with myself. If I'm honest with myself, I won't collect a 90-day coin on Saturday. Thanks for reading, for your friendship. XO
from musikoid :
I was in a mood - well more than just a mood - I went into the total void of meaninglessness, randomness, and futility. But it didn't last long. I know I have the support I need - I'm not sure what was wrong with me. It was triggered by the "Erika" thing - not the lady I crushed on, but our Music Director -- she's young and she said something that kind of stung. She meant well but it triggered me and reopened an old wound. I'm much better now. It's good to hear from you Jack, and don't stress on my account. You're a good man.
from musikoid :
Maybe, but I still ought to check with another person to see if the links work with them. It's still possible that I'm only linking to local files, inadvertently.
from musikoid :
I checked the last seven links. They're all Chloe Howl, all but one is from her sound cloud, I think the most recent one is to a you tube. I think maybe in the past if I linked you to a sound cloud it didn't work. But I don't know if that means it's only working on *my* computer, I've not heard anyone say.
from musikoid :
On sending E.in.B. - thanks, Jack. It may be up to ten days. That's how long the revision that I *foresee* will take. The trick will be in curbing the tendency to want to take off on revisions that I *don't* foresee, as they become known to me while I'm in the process of making the revisions that I *do* foresee. In that case, it might be several months to a year before I send it to you. I'll try to make it quick.
from musikoid :
Yes, I'm speechless about the apartment. It's just wonderful news, and words fail me. About the script, give me a few days. It's just that I *know* certain things *must* change, and I've merely been lax about going in and making the adjustments. I promise I won't dally.
from musikoid :
Oh Jack, I just saw your two notes relating to E.in.B - I can send a copy of the completed script to beigenova if you like.
from musikoid :
So she triggered you, and this is what has resulted in your mania? Actually, it's been seeming like you are having a "mixed episode" with depressive symptoms as well - staying in bed for a long time, and that sort of thing. But I finally realize how much of it is wrapped up in this key external figure. No, she did not cause your mental illness. But something in the energy, you and her, catalyzed the state you are in -- and you're right. Resolving what is between you and her will not necessarily end the mania. I don't know what meds they have you on, but a friend of mine was helped by lamictal in a very similar situation. I don't mean to be "clinical" - these are my immediate thoughts. I actually was engaged throughout your entry, despite an admitted sense of scatteredness. It was one of my favorite entries of yours. I so identify with the place you are in - I slept for five days once over "her."
from floodtide :
So sorry that you are in so much pain, and so frustrated that I can only read in imnpotent silence - that I can't hug you, or call you, or offer you anything than the love I'm sending here. I wish you could have been here this weekend. I think you would have found a little . . . I don't know. Solace, maybe. That is probably naive and perhaps even presumptuous. But you are in my heart.
from musikoid :
Got your two notes. I hope you've gotten over feeling like a horrible person. You're obviously not horrible, as seen from an external perspective. So obviously something internal is driving you to this unfortunate feeling. I guess I wonder *why* you feel like you're horrible. But you don't have to say. I feel like a horrible person sometimes, and though it makes sense to me why I should feel this way, I can almost never explain it to others in such a way that would sway them as to the validity of that self-image. ++ On the subject of medication, I'm beginning to think I need a bipolar med, and since I'm not willing at this time to go through two weeks of adjustment (with dizziness or lightheadness, itching, maybe a rash, sleep abnormalities, and so forth), maybe I should just go back on the Depakote for a while and take the acid reflux meds as needed. It would put me up to three pills, which to me is odious, but at least I would know my evils. I'm working on a needed second draft to my EinB show, hopefully the final draft. There are issues with the initial draft, but they are not nearly so severe as the issues with my last musical, which I rewrote 31 times and still don't like. This one, I like. But the point is, I tend to become *extremely* manic during the musical-playwriting process. Something about the juxtaposition of music, text, and lyrics thrills me to dangerous heights, and I sometimes can't even sleep at night, nor take my mind off of the process when it would be customarily expected for me to do so. Meds helped last time, smoothing out some of the ultra-highs.
from musikoid :
Just want to let you know I haven't forgotten you, Jack. I still mean to reply to the two substantial emails, and now I see a new entry as well. Just dealing with emerging stuff on my end, I'm having to start making lists again to make sure I stay on track with everything.
from musikoid :
I see you're online right now (if you get this), and so I'm just letting you know I'm reading your entries right now. Yeah - you had been getting close to the Sacred, or to the Spirit. I'm two thirds way through the first one. I'll get back to you.
from musikoid :
Got your three notes. There must be some truth to the saying "it's always darkest before the dawn." I was easily at a depth of depression that was completely unfamiliar to me. The next day, I took seriously my morning measures to work myself into a better space (gratitude list, etc.), and after the first hour of the day, I felt as though I was "in the clear." I've since thought it's probably about time for me to take my doctor & therapist up on their offer for me to try a new mood stabilizer, in lieu of the last one having given me acid reflux. I also got the reflux two days in a row last week *without* the medication having triggered it (probably an overdose of Mexican food while flushed). So I know it isn't *just* the medication having caused it. ++ About the classmate having committed suicide, I am certain it was shocking to everyone. On reviewing the raw data, however, I'm not surprised. I think a lot of people try to "rise above" their difficulties by squeezing a plastic smile onto their faces 24/7, but in that type of reaction formation, they deny their unresolved issues. Eventually, they come back to snag them. I've lost two friends to suicide, and in each case, it was completely unexpected. One thing about me is that I *don't* and *won't* suppress my emotions. If anything, I am on occasion too effusive in their expression. But I have a strong heart, and it hasn't failed me yet.
from musikoid :
Also you've tuned into 'chakra-nadi' who has an interesting public diary. She's another one of those intense, existential intellectual sorts, somewhat out of sorts, somehow. I've been reading her lately but haven't really had anything to say. I'm glad she turned her notes back on, however.
from musikoid :
I did get three emails from you, and I replied to one of them, I think. I've been in a very low funk myself, not sure what to make of it. I'm just kind of praying things somehow pick up soon, or at least my mood will, if nothing else around me. It's getting to where I fear my bad mood is infectious to others, which adds guilt on top of everything else. Considering the idea that we all might have a social responsibility to remain in good spirits, so as not to be a downer in the eyes of those who couldn't care less anyway. Or something like that.
from chakra-nadi :
Medication has its place. Hopefully someday you can get to a place where you won't need it. ... Mostly I was just writing poetry, but we have worked very hard to make an urban forest here. We do harvest many native plants. Usually we can go out into the yard and pick dinner out of the grass. It's not the usual American yard. We try to keep the front yard presentable and try not to draw too much attention, but our back yard is pretty wild, yet maintained. I'm sure there is some magic there somewhere.
from musikoid :
Good to hear, Jack. I've been sending good thoughts your way as well.
from chakra-nadi :
you get stared at because you are a freak, you know that right? :)
from papotheclown :
my email is thedreadpoetryan@gmail.com. Looking forward to reading about the dream.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack (about hope).
from papotheclown :
The "do not awaken love before it is ready" verse was always explained to me to mean "don't have sex before marriage." But I like my interpretation better, especially the couple in Song of Solomon (where that verse comes from) were not married and most definitely fucking. I am very curious about your dream. I look forward to reading about it.
from minstrelite :
I love the way you word your compliments, Jack.
from musikoid :
Yes, I do that too (leave a note for myself). It squeezes the previous note out, so long as you've already taken measures to delete it. Sent you a G-list, I think a bunch of people were inadvertently removed, so you might not have gotten one for a day or two. About to busk, nervous, wish I could up and leave this town. Just - tired of it all. We'll have to talk about 'magical thinking' at a differnet time/place. Worried about Echo. Wrote in depth to Jan. Told T.J. I'd give him 25% off the top if he'd go through the effort to land me a piano bar gig. Hear there's a piano bar in a city in Washington State eight miles West of here. Might not be a bad dodge. Manic. Pissed. It's usually not God talking through the air conditioner, but some weird radio broadcast. A bunch of guys speak to me when I'm taking a leak, too. Namaste.
from papotheclown :
At least we aren't alone in all this. That is at least something
from papotheclown :
I am with you. Hang on as best you can.
from floodtide :
Thu morning 8/10 - don't know what, if anything, I have to offer, but your entry from last night has me concerned and I want to reach out. If there is anything - anything - I can do or say, please let me know: 231-735-0180. I will listen, if nothing else. XO
from musikoid :
Looks like you took care of the note. The dubious organization in question claims to be an interplanetary movement involved in saving planets from destruction based on information gleaned from other planets who have successfully done so. Their motives are entirely benign, but they take great pains to ensure they leave no identifying information on the Internet. As to the singer-songwriter in question, I am officially flirting with her as of my last note on her notes page. Otherwise, fuck sleep is right. I'm at Day Four and just came out of a most vicious bout of sleep paralysis counting my blessings and thanking God I'm even alive, Coffee is on. Lots of it.
from floodtide :
Thanks so much for your notes, and the Augusten Burroughs suggestion - have read "Dry," but need to RE-read now that I'll be able to relate to so much more of it. Thanks for your notes, and friendship. Thinking of you and sending love and support.
from musikoid :
I apologize for the rage issues manifest in the previous note. I am not in the position where I can blame anyone on Earth for my failures, let alone God -- although it does begin to seem as though He's the one who set this all in motion in the first place. I took about an hour break, and I still can't find it. The reason I was so upset is because usually either I'm so "high" from the magic potion I am using in order to channel the relevant spiritual information that, although I have grasped it, I cannot coherently express it; or I am trying to do so after some time has gone by, in which I case I am no longer *objective* about the information, and I disdain it. In addition, the more time goes by, the less influence of the magic elixir remains in my being. So anyway, I shall try again - but already I doubt I can get near the way I was describing the relationship between all the different components of this cosmology. But I was only mad for about ten minutes, and it wasn't that bad. My neighbor Les who had earlier been concerned did not hear it. I took an hour break and talked with this fellow Garrett down the hall, a very bright young man. So - nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon, and I'll give it another go. If this one doesn't post, then yes, Somebody does not want me to coherently release this information. Whatever. I'm writing to you, as opposed to say, my brother Steve, because most people think the information is only a symptom of a drug-crazed delusion. Drives me nuts, and I have to prove them wrong before I die. I also think this is why most people won't listen to my music. They know me, they know what the drug can do to me and others, and whether the music is good or not, they're afraid that if they like it too much, it will make me use drugs. Fuck 'em.
from musikoid :
If you can see an entry called "Garden Event" after the one called "Lapse" please let me know. I'm going to rewrite it but it just fucking sucks. I also was explaining (to myself, mainly) what it is about the substance that is both causing me to recognize how horrible it is and at the same time keep going back and using it. I will *never* remember that explanation, because twelve hours from now I'll be in a completely different state of mind that won't identify it at all. If Somebody Up There is just hell-bent on proving to me that my dad's constant condemnation was true, than He's sure doing a damn good job of it. I just want to say Fuck You, God! Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You! You could start destroying the stuff that's shitty and save the stuff that's unusually good, and *that* would prove that You love me a lot more than constantly reminding me that I'm a total piece of shit, and that I'm such a piece of shit that you had to send your only begotten son to die for me, because nobody but Him could have possibly approved enough of a total piece of shit like me enough to make that sacrifice. Thank you, God of the Bible, for managing to convince just about every Bible-believing Christian I've ever met that we are all pieces of shit. Fuck You, God.
from musikoid :
I'm extremely upset and discouraged right now. I just wrote what was easily the most lucid exposition of something very very dear to me, hit the "save" thing and it's nowhere to be found. I honestly think my computer is hacked. I kept losing control of my browsers and everything went weird all through the binge, I had to do a full system restore and three restarts. Yet, Windows Defender fails to report that it sees any threats. I'm hacked.
from musikoid :
You're like me, then. I hate the Internet except on non-computer devices. The only reason I still have the phone is because I thought to leave it with Young Paul overnight when I almost smashed it to bits on a hardwood floor less than twelve hours after I bought it.
from musikoid :
Self-soothing doesn't come easily for me either. Sometimes it's because I don't feel a need for it. I don't particularly want to be soothed. At other times, I do. The fog and San Francisco drizzle used to soothe me a lot. These days, I find that cleaning up my room helps, and lighting candles and incense. However, the concept is still largely foreign to me.
from musikoid :
I get that way (as you know) about the alleged inability to do anything right. That voice comes from Dad, straight up. In fact, it's even hard for me to recognize that he's not still peering over my shoulder saying it, when the fact is he's been dead for over thirty years. I'm also sure that, in whatever afterlife he might inhabit, he's probably got more important things to do than to continue to berate a grown child.
from catsoul :
hi. Hoping that today will be a little better for you. When I read what you write, I am so overwhelmed with respect of you. I love how honest you are. I wish I could write with more honesty about myself. Writing does help me with my inner turmoil. So please keep writing for your own sanity. Take Care Man. Peace Out. =^..^=
from musikoid :
Once you're writing more and more in the mode of self-expression, you'll feel much better about yourself and the world around you. That's my more-or-less educated guess, anyway. Right now there's a blockage, but that's mostly because you haven't been in the swing of writing, in the groove of it. Perhaps the drinking goes along with it, I cannot say for sure. But definitely, once the writing is in full sway, you'll feel a sense of self-redemption. I'm almost certain of it.
from musikoid :
https://lynnefisher.wordpress.com/2017/07/29/the-use-of-the-shadow-in-creative-writing/
from musikoid :
Have noticed that the links to my SoundCloud are the ones that don't work on your device. Both links work on mine. Wondering if it would work when spelled out, and here it is: https://soundcloud.com/e-e-ando/bubbles-taboo - so let me know when you have the chance. Thanks, Jack.
from musikoid :
Echoing daath. About the lady at the pub, she knows exactly what I can do. It's all political, because the pub is connected with the Reformed College and a number of other Christian organizations that are trying to take over the town. I'm seen as a threat, because although I basically believe the same things as any other Reformed Christian, I don't act like they do, nor is there any biblical basis for their ridiculous prejudices.
from daath :
Your darkness helps me understand mine. Thank you.
from musikoid :
Arrgh - left out a tag. If you checked and the last half of the entry consisted of red with underlining, that's why. It should be fixed now. And my daughter and Richard III were right, by the way. *Temple* is just about the best thing I've turned out. The diary entry itself however is somehow making me nauseous. It's preachy, and I can't help but associate with the grosser stages of methamorphosis. I might edit it later - I know what I was trying to say, but I don't like the way I said it.
from musikoid :
Try the Temple link now if you're still on. I downloaded it from my Zoho docs and replaced it on Box. It's uncanny how the work I lose is often my best work. I rewrote the musical "Awake the Dawn" three times and lost it three times. I have yet to score it a fourth and hopefully final time.
from musikoid :
Noting you while we're on mutual radar. Surprised I never mentioned I read poorly. It's the main reason I never finished either of the degrees I was working on, and why I should have stuck with my Dramatic Arts major. Philosophy had too much reading, I kept asking for incompletes and finishing my work much later than it was assigned. I would usually get A's, but they eventually disqualified me from Cal Davis because I was so far behind. As for a music degree, I took Music History four times without being able to focus on the reading. I have a hard time even getting through people's diary entries here. But it is, as you suggest, a matter of focus. They say it relates to being ADHD.
from musikoid :
I'm a very poor reader, as I think I mentioned. I can engage myself over a well-written newspaper article and that's about it. Anyway, thanks for checking the links. "Temple" doesn't work on my end either. I was blown away that it was missing from my Box files - there is no way, after losing it once and having my daughter email it to me from her hotmail, before Microsoft unilaterally removed six years of hotmail messages out of both my Sent Folder and Inbox in 2013, that I would have consciously removed that file. It's scaring me, to be honest with you. I did find the piece on my Zoho docs, and I guess the link must have been to a local file. I am probably going to have to copy and paste it onto a new doc, store it on Box and elsewhere, and re-do the link. Did you happen to notice if the link to "The Event of the Garden" worked? It's the Spoken Word presentation that one should hear on clicking the words "here it is." Thanks again for reading.
from musikoid :
Apology accepted, albeit unnecessary. I was about to write to you to apologize for having been so distant and self-absorbed lately. It slipped my mind, largely because sleep came much earlier than I'd anticipated. I understand what it's like when one needs to be silent and a bit "checked out" in order to make the transition between living primarily in one's head and living primarily in the world around him.
from musikoid :
Sorry - I meant, just about 48 hours.
from musikoid :
That's fine, and I get it. I don't want to lay too much on you if you're in a strange, depressed, quiet space. Usually when I get into that space it means I need to think some things through, and I'm pretty much "checked out" until it's all been processed. However, since you mentioned still being around, I guess the entry you read was the one called "The Forbidden Fruit." I just looked at a second edit of it (which may or may not have been after you read it) and there's only one glaring typo that's bugging me, actually, a left out word. It's pretty coherent now, though I fear the subject matter may disinterest you and others. On the other hand, I have edited the following entry, entitled "A Citizen of the Earth," at least five times, and it's starting to take shape. My ideas are changing, and hopefully evolving, and I think I might actually be on to something remarkable. Both interpretations are equally valid! I basically have not been lied to by either of those spiritual powers. So I'm going to ride with this for a while, and see where it leads. I've been sober for just about 24 hours now, if we count "sobriety" as measuring the time since my last shot. But in another sense, I'm not sober at all, because there is so much stuff left in my system, after only two six-hour sleep periods in that period of time. If you can read "A Citizen of the Earth" (when you have the chance, I would be gratified to receive your feedback. But I understand you are probably not conversant with Scripture, and that some of the presentation might be confusing. I've already decided to send it to my ex-wife Jan, only because I can't think of anyone else right off the bat who has both the genius and the knowledge of Scripture to make sense out of it. My concern that I might soon die is just strong enough, that I need to release all the information from the ten years of channeling, while I am in a reasonably sober state, and give it to somebody whom I can trust to organize it and elaborate upon it with eloquence, before I die. It's pretty intense. So I'm kind of in the opposite space as you, and I don't want to pressure you to read yet another one of my works at this time. I still haven't gone back and read "God of My Failure," which was written in almost this same exact state of mind. But I did go back and read "Culture Shock," and have been blown away that three people have reacted to it: one with a "like," one with a "love," and one with a "wow." Why anybody even bothered to read a 27-paragraph Facebook timeline post that prints out to 13 pages on a Word doc (1 1/2 spaced) is beyond me. But it sure feels gratifying to be getting some positive feedback for my work for a change, along with the current publication prospects in a Bay Area periodical, and general support from my Writers Guild, rather than being immediately written off as a low-life tweaker scum bag, told to go back to California where i belong, that I only care about "one thing," and basically feeling like I alienated an entire community due to the ramifications of a mental health condition that they could not possibly understand. I'm trying to forgive SaraBeth or sharing my sensitive personal emails with all her employees, but if she cannot find it in herself to realize that this was wrong and simply apologize to me, what can I do? I wish I hadn't lost my one-way to Seattle, because I could take off in five hours, never come back, and leave a scathing condemnation of the so-called "Home of the Arts" on my Facebook timeline. Not that it would help, just that it would feel good. You understand. I hope.
from musikoid :
I just realized I left my note for you on my own page by mistake, in response to your earlier brief note. Things are not good. Each passing moment is very difficult right now. I sort of wish I were not alone, and at the same time I would not want to inflict my present personality on anyone I know.
from chakra-nadi :
i wasn't getting email notification for the notes. sorry. mostly i'm just sick of drinking my wages. nothing is for free. i knew that 'free' booze would just open that door to me going out and buying it later. MN has sunday liquor sales for the first time since the 1930s. That's another irony right there. I quit and they open the doors on a day i always wanted to drink. kind of like them opening up a dunkin donuts right after i go vegan.
from musikoid :
It does apply, and thank you for sharing the sentiment. The only difference is that my brother never lost my dad's favor. Also, I guess I must say that your dad sounds considerably more unworthy of your devotion than mine was. My dad was just an Old School New England patriot with a military mind-set, arch-conservative of course, but at the same time an admirable man. Yours doesnt sound worthy of admiration. My dad was a brilliant man, a genius, a jack-of-all-trades. He was literally loved by everyone in the community. His funeral was one of the most impressive events I have ever attended. But he had these staunch, rigid values from which he could not veer. One of them was that the first born son was supposed to follow in his footsteps. he did not, however, express direct disappointment to my brother for not *being* the first-born son. He didn't take it that far. As I've said earlier (somewhere, if not on DiaryLand), he tried to each me everything he knew, but my mind would blank out because I was so afraid of his judgment. The only thing he didn't try to teach me how to do was to play the piano. I watched him play piano for two years (between age 5 and 7) and figured out what he was doing without the interference of having to deal with his inordinately high expectations of me. Then, at the age of seven, I sat down and simply played a few songs on the piano, from having watched him. My Mom dropped a plate of spaghetti on the floor, she was so shocked. Then, as I clearly exceeded his ability to play the piano, he responded wit complete disapproval and envy. That was the hardest part. But I hear he was proud of me shortly before his sudden death, and I did get to see him become happier during the last six months of his life. I really was doing well then. But I fell apart completely after he died. So - not going anywhere in particular with this, just a bit of a stream from off the clouds I've blown. Will wonders never cease.
from musikoid :
That was very deep and descriptive. I similarly have been "locking myself down" of late, though with perhaps less fear of discovery or consequence.
from chakra-nadi :
My husband always says not to ask if he's OK. He's never OK. He will never be OK. So, you're not alone in this. Most normal people don't realize how asking the socially acceptable question "how are you?" can cause someone with mental illness a lot of pain. BTW, turned my notes on for now.
from papotheclown :
I very much relate to your last post. I have very similar social maneuvers. Maybe some of us will just never be okay. But at least we aren't fully alone in it. Even if it mostly feels like we are.
from minstrelite :
I'm still pretty blocked up, as far as any writing is concerned. But maybe that's a sign that my attention is to be better focused elsewhere at this time. I'm sorry about the chronic breathing problem - I didn't know that. Well - this may be a short note compared to most, but I'm having a hard time staying awake. A little worried about going into sleep paralysis, but am drinking a beer in the absence of Ativan and hopefully I will be exhausted enough to bypass that stage.
from minstrelite :
Meant to add, the Hemingway counsel might naturally be taken more seriously in Idaho.
from minstrelite :
OK I guess it was only about five notes. I post here every day, as you probably have noticed, but I haven't been engaged enough with DiaryLand to have bothered to check the notes. You had referred to a number of notes, and I think I've read them all now. + On the editing, I also edit better "post-post" than "pre-post." Somehow it is not till after I see it in its published form that I get the ideas I need to improve upon it. In fact, I usually post when I know it's not quite the way I want it, just so I can look at in its published form, and get clear ideas how to adjust it. + About drinking, Ernest Hemingway had a saying you're probably familiar with: "Write the rough draft drunk and the final draft sober." I never realized how many writers take his advice very seriously until I joined the Writers Guild. People swear by it. Unfortunately, my relationship to alcohol is not sophisticated enough that I feel it would work. I have a very low tolerance, and get sick really easily on fairly low amounts. (Unlike other chemicals, unfortunately.) Marijuana makes for a lousy rough, middle, or final draft. I've consistently noticed that the blog entries I write under 420 get almost no "likes." I've also noticed that the popularity of my posts is inversely proportional to the time and effort I put into them. This can be either maddening or liberating, depending on my mood. The post called "Excerpt from Insomnia" had 13 likes last I checked, and it took me less than five minutes to write. At three in the morning, even. I'm beginning to wax narcissistic, but the most likes I've gotten have been for "On Feeding the Soul," which includes a direct quote from YOU, JACK, the content of which surely contributed to the popularity of the post. + I can relate to the anxiety with which if I did not say some certain thing to my lover or partner upon parting, I feared something unusually bad would happen before the next time I saw her. That dynamic figured all through my youth and early middle age, until I reached the stage of simply not having any romantic partners any more. I guess Lauren would be an exception, but somehow in the homeless situation it was assumed that we couldn't possibly *not* see each other again, or that if one of us were to die, it would somehow be all right, death being all around us, in various forms, throughout the days and on into the long nights. I've thought about her quite a bit today and I think I will write Elmer (who is her disability Payee) and see if he can't say hello to her for me. The anxiety as to how she is doing is far greater now that we are separated by miles than it was when we were both homeless in B-Town. + I might have more to say in a bit. I appreciate your notes and attention to my work. It's been a productive day, but I don't deal with the holidaze well, and tonight threatens to be another dark night of the soul.
from minstrelite :
Wow - I just thought to check my notes, and I saw about ten notes from you I didn't know were there. I'll take this time to peruse them, and probably note you back after a bit. I did get your email and reply. I also used your quote in my next blog, which got 25 views and 10 likes in a short period of time (that's good for my site, far more than the average. I think the most likes was 14 - and you were quoted directly in that blog. So maybe that says something.) And yes, penultimate is a groovy sort of word. Just think, "Uther Pendragon" and it will all come together. ;)
from papotheclown :
Thank you for checking in. I am much better this morning after some rest. Still not great, mind you, but better. I think I'll get through this.
from minstrelite :
Jack, I just read this recent entry, because I started thinking that even though I've formally left DiaryLand (except for daily gratitude lists), it kinda sucks that I'm not reading your posts, since this is how we met and in large way forms the foundation of our friendship. You and I really *are* a lot alike - it's almost uncanny. About not being able to love without the fear of loss, I can so identify with that. I've been in relationships and even platonic friendships where the love was so huge, it seemed that the fear was proportionately as huge as the love. But then of course I question is what I am feeling is actually "love" - I am reminded of what St. John said: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has torment." So I would guess that the keyword here is "perfect." If we could love perfectly, it would only be love, without the fear. But who's perfect? Who loves perfectly? Nobody. From my perspective, I believe that's why Jesus died for us, because none of us can achieve our perfect ideal in anything, and he had to pick up the slack. But that's only *my* perspective. + Now, on theme of writing style and content, youn really could put something together that would definitely be publishable, I mean look at this: "My gaping internal wounds are secretly smiling even as they are bleeding all over everything." Who writes like that? Who even thinks such a thought? You're a fucking genius, Jack, embrace it! My embrace of same is the only thing, sometimes, that keeps me alive.
from floodtide :
Hey, Jack. Flood here, Saturday morning May 13. Just read an entry that d-land says you posted 8 hours ago, about paranoid insecurity and abandonment fears. Were you physically or emotionally abused as a child? I was. And I live in perpetual fear that any love or approval I experience is likely to be withdrawn at any moment, for any reason. It informs and harms relationships, but it really fucks me over at work. Authority terrifies me; I am convinced 24/7 that the hammer is going to fall at any moment. I tell myself (over and over and over and over) that the approval of people less intelligent or dedicated than I doesn't matter, but I never believe me. Even when you are hurting I am glad that you've posted, and you are in my heart.
from minstrelite :
Oh good - I was concerned you might have bailed. Glad to see you back, Jack.
from minstrelite :
I haven't read the penultimate entry in full yet, but for whatever it's worth, my friends have been telling me to "calm down before I have a heart attack" for at least 45 years now. Some of them have had heart attacks already, and (knock on wood) mine just keeps on ticking like the heart of a lifelong athlete. There's something dynamic in your nature that a lot of people who are more "chill" can't comprehend. I wouldn't pay them too much mind, although a good cardio program is known to work wonders.
from musikoid :
Just a couple things. I finally read your most recent entry. The writing was once again so lucid and engaging, it never occurred to me that you might have been a "bit drunk" till you said so. Also, I wonder if when you wrote this: "Only that doesn't work when you are laying in the middle of the freeway" you were referencing "Willy" in any way, consciously or unconsciously. "Made his bed in the middle of the dreaded cluster." Just a weird and perhaps grandiose thought. I apologize that my reading skills are shot to hell right now. I'm not sure how long it's going to be before I regain anything like normal focus. I'm all over the map.
from minstrelite :
Also, if I did not acknowledge your notes fully, I thought the best ones were these: "I can't help but be reminded of the Greek epics where the hero has to descend into the underworld. Again I still believe you are a miracle." And: "Thank you for the beautiful note and for praying for me. Your story was both harrowing and beautiful. You stumbled but your friends did not let you fall. The friends you had no idea were such good friends and cared so much. You are free. You no longer have to do the job but you did not lose your church and your friends. You are also free from having to hide your dark past. You are loved." I read them both several times - again, I'm still a bit disoriented. Physically better, but my focus seems adrift. I think I was just beginning to focus better on the Ativan, and now that it's gone, I feel more scattered. The thing you said about descending into the underworld in order to come out whole or cleansed, is basically the story of my life. I have even wondered (forgive me if I repeat myself) if these bouts on some level constitute homeopathic medicine. My vital signs yesterday were the best they've been since Moscow.
from musikoid :
I also think (and I meant to mention this in the previous note) that in both of our cases, the lack of self-love has something to do with the way we were treated by our fathers. There's some similarity or commonality there.
from musikoid :
I've been reading your notes, and you haven't been annoying at all. You've probably caught that I've been sleeping about twice as much as usual lately, and that just today the doc deleted the Ativan. I know we share darkly here, but I understand that when thoughts tend toward the suicidal, we become very concerned about one another. After all, some people who start talking that way have actually 'done the deed' - and it is tragic that they were not taken seriously in the process. What you wrote here is key: "A lack of self love has an insidious way of blinding you to the love others have for you." I think this is part of why you and I relate to each so well and have (in my opinion) been able to help each other so much. Not everybody relates to how the lack of self-love translates into not being able to recognize the love that others have for that same self. The image of all the friends I didn't know I had, rushing up to embrace me, offering me tangible gifts to help me, is indeed powerful. In fact, I'm going to head over there now, because I find it's a good spot to be writing out these bass parts. I just awoke from a nap and made a third gratitude list, this one actually being grateful. Coming off of this run has been unusually wicked. Twenty spells of sleep paralysis before I stopped counting. But I honestly think I'm past it now, and leveling off. Hopefully with the increase in Depakote, I will stabilize despite the removal of the Ativan. The Ativan did have some narly side effects, causing me to be a little too loose-lipped, and that kind of thing. (Disinhibition.) Of course, Jack, you are not an annoyance. Far from it. I am just way behind on reading the diaries of others, as well as the blogs on WordPress that I follow, people's books and novels in my Writer's Guild, and everything else. Anyway. Focus on the Moment as a Stepping Stone to the Future. All either is, or will be, well.
from minstrelite :
Yes, my spirits lightened immensely upon recovering that debit card. It took the whole sense of torment out of it all.
from papotheclown :
It really is interesting, isn't it? I bet it's a thing that a lot of introverts experience. We have this ultra deep interior world that to them just looks quiet and gray. Which makes it so amazing for the people who take the time to look a little deeper. They find such treasure.
from musikoid :
It will be powerful (Willy). I've decided I'm probably going to minimize the number of tunes I even sing. I remember I played with both these guys at Bucer's, and two other guys, and it was almost all instrumental, which worked fine. But I do want to spotlight some of my singer-songwriter aspect, as mentioned on my blog, which I'm sure you've read (from the other notes to Minstrelite.)
from minstrelite :
I know you are. But I'm all right. As we age, we become more philosophical. Things like this - they shake you up in order to wake you up. You pause for a moment, you get your bearings, and you move on. If you're really lucky, like I am, you realize that you are loved in the process. And then you remember how somebody treated you when you were too young to do anything about it. You compare and contrast, and you finally know what love is. It's more powerful than all the evil in the Universe. I prayed for you before I came on here - for the first time - because I knew you'd be worried by now. I hope you recognize how much you are loved. When that happens, you will realize how much love you have to love with. It's powerful. God is love. And Love is God. Believe it.
from papotheclown :
The dandelion hands thing is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with me. And I think I am also drinking too much water, so thank you for that information as well.
from musikoid :
You pegged him exactly - a wet diaper looking for a butt. Also, interestingly, that's the part that sticks in my mind about Strangelove too.
from musikoid :
Shades of Dr. Strangelove at the end there. Seriously, the part with which I most identified is here: "People always tell me I am highly intelligent. Possibly too smart for my own good. Just imagine if I used all that energy and brain power I am wasting to better myself." Either of us is easily intelligent enough to do so. I wonder what holds us back?
from musikoid :
MacGuyver, eh? It all comes together. ;)
from musikoid :
I just caught your earlier note about those of us who have had self-harm issue. I think you're right - it is a common trait among us to belittle ourselves or minimize the issue. Also, those around us who don't identify with it or perhaps are a bit freaked out about this stuff themselves can inadvertently further this foible or fallacy. I started to say something last night, and this more-or-less dim-witted fellow I call Jim the Janitor told me that every time I bring it up, I am "worshipping the devil." At first I laughed it off and looked his partner Greg, saying: "That's a bit extreme, don't you think?" Greg kinda chuckled but I knew it would be the first thing on my mind when I awoke this morning. And then, of course, Jim the Janitor was the first chap I encountered in my early morning malaise prior to coffee, waking up twenty minutes late for Writers' Guild and struggling to find a cup of coffee on the way. He was standing literally directly in the way of my route to my coffee, which I felt was needed even more desperately due to the daze this new antidepressant has been conferring upon me in the mornings. That's why I alluded in my Gratitude List to getting pissed off at the Almighty in the morning. It happened directly after I maneuvered my way around Jim. I knew Jim was innocent on this particular count, but it disturbed me spiritually that I was running into the individual I least wanted to see at the time when I least wanted to run into anyone at all. I'm going to make sure I get some coffee singles from the nearest market tonight before bedtime. The need for morning caffeine has reached critical proportions, and I don't want to risk being rude to anyone again.
from musikoid :
I got both your notes and your email. The Great Isolation Period - I could certainly spin off on that one! I'm in the midst right now, but am hoping to craft an email reply when it's all been said and done. Friday night, you know...
from musikoid :
Not sure when the recent one-sentence note was left or what *exactly* it referred to, but if it was about the immediate memory loss conferred upon me by the evil Ativan, then yes: "concerned" and "sad" are certainly appropriate responses.
from minstrelite :
During the brief period of time I was on ativan, I left my mouse overnight at a cafe where I don't even remember taking out my computer, I left my favorite hat at the Verizon score, I several times had to look for my keys on the way out the door, left my power cord in the Bagel Shop, and I'm not even sure I can count (or even know) all the space-outs. I think the short-term memory loss becomes more severe with age. Even though I went off klonopin cold turkey on 5/10/04, I've taken Ativan in certain hospitals, and while it's kept me placid and uncomplaining while interred, it left me in withdrawals upon release that were so severe they literally reminded me of a bad speed trip - everything you hate about being that hyped, with none of the benefits.
from musikoid :
That was from Minstrelite.
from musikoid :
I was surprised the cops didn't 5150 me at the Mall, to be honest with you. It was definitely more of a breakdown than as panic attack. Maybe what happened was that my natural demeanor of courtesy when dealing with strangers took over at the hospital. I also kinda wished I'd been admitted, to get some true, focused care. But if the laws in Idaho are what they are in California (which I don't know) I wouldn't have made it back for church on Sunday.
from musikoid :
I feel that about the 'comparisons' - I felt a little tinge of slight-wrongness saying my self-harm issues weren't as serious as yours. You probably know the drill, and I was basically hoping not to downplay that which is serious - one's pain. Anyway, I think we understand each other. + Beautiful note from Flood, below there.
from floodtide :
You are mentioned in my diary today (Monday, April 3 2017). I'm writing to let you know that, and to (1) thank you for all the lovely notes you've left me, and (2) apologize for never responding as you deserved. I had no idea you'd written them. D-land used to send e-mail notifications when one received a new posting on the notes page, but long ago that ended, at least for me, no matter how many times I update my e-address or write to Andrew about it. Anyway, thank you. Seriously. And thank you for sharing a completely different side of yourself in the notes: the loving warmth in you doesn't appear much, if at all, in your diary, but your notes are generous and I was touched. More than once. So thanks. You have my compassion and my support, and no matter how you're struggling on a given day, reading you when you post makes me feel close to you. I have a friend.
from musikoid :
I've read all your notes and am about to attempt sleep. Briefly, you're spot on when it comes to Ms. Dechenes. She has no clue or concept of self-harm issues. I've described my issues, not as serious as yours I don't think - but parasuicidal thinking is not to be taken lightly, not to mention that repeatedly beating yourself on your head with your fist isn't a particularly good way to win friends and influence people. I'm sure others were effected, but since I'm fringe, I wrote rather than hold my peace. I won't leave D-Land. I was feeling vulnerable and it seemed to be the proper venue for laying myself bare. Hugging you back, Jack.
from musikoid :
A natural question, concerning your obvious writing talent, is if you have ever written something major, such as a novel...
from musikoid :
Your note made sense, though I had to read some parts a couple times before I realized what you were trying to say. I did hear back from Lori Deschenes who apologized but also stood by her choice to publish it. I just responded that I respected her integrity but, had she put the disclaimer on the top of the article -- like you do -- rather than at the very bottom, it would probably have soothed the wound. At least I'd have been warned. She wrote back again and said I was the only one who had complained, and I clarified that even emailing her at all had been part of the trigger. It's pretty clear she's not in tune with things like self-harm or parasuicidal thinking, so anyway I was able to let go once I realized she and I were cool. Then I read this morning's article on high anxiety (which seemed timely, but unfortunately failed to work for me in today's case.) Breaking down today, spinning. No appetite for three days - sleeping very little, nervous high energy, losing my center....bad day over here, boss.
from musikoid :
I feel you on the typing faster than thinking. I've been known to fall asleep with my laptop in my lap and still be typing when I wake up. Extremely interesting to see the words I type while asleep. All the words are spelled correctly, and there is no syntactical connection between any of them. A series of "sentences" such as "Please fault Santa earthquake blender always birds does protocol." Stuff like that. Seriously.
from minstrelite :
Haha - exactly!
from musikoid :
Jack, I'm still digesting your note regarding your family background. You're a fascinating fellow, and evidently stronger than most. But I am writing for another reason - if I have ever recommended the Tiny Buddha periodical to you (I may or may not have - I have been recommending Tiny Buddha to most all my friends for about a year now) - please do NOT subscribe to it and especially do NOT look at this morning's article. I thought of you first, among all the people I know who have had self-harm issues. The article was completely irresposible - I let them know about it, and I am urging everyone I know to cancel their subscriptions. I myself am so triggered right now I have the shakes. I couldn't possibly go to work in this state, or function, or be responsible toward the others in my life in any way. Me personally I will dive into my current project as usual, but not everybody has that (or a similar) outlet, and I hate to think of what harm they have done this morning. I hope they realize their wrong and apologize to their readers. I had to tell you -- but maybe I did more harm than good if I never recommended it in the first place. Have a good day - I'll be in touch later in the week.
from minstrelite :
(That was Minstrelite thanking you for wishing him a happy birthday.) ;)
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack. :)
from floodtide :
Just now (3/28) saw your kind little note about congrats on the job and the purchase. Don't know why d-land didn't send me the "you have a new note" notification; I happened to check them on a complete whim today. Sorry for note responding sooner. I read you every time you write and am sending all the compassion I can muster to support you in your struggle. I'm struggling a little less these days, and I can't pretend I'm not grateful, but some days I still stay in bed with the covers over my head.
from musikoid :
Just to let you know, I've read "Inappropriate Laughter #2" now start-to-finish (in two settings), and I would like to read it again to grasp the dynamics more closely. The way your interior disturbances are involved in shaping your relationships with key figures is remarkable.
from chakra-nadi :
Isn't that part of being mentally ill that you have to constantly monitor yourself? When you don't, you scare people because your crazy is showing. It's exhausting trying to pretend you're like everyone else all the time, which is what normal people don't understand. That's cute you think any of these social worker types are there to help you. I guess that's what you have to tell yourself in order to stay in the system and get on disability. But, just by her spouting off the tired old phrase that you're not taking your "recovery seriously" shows me that she'll like you only in as much as you do exactly what you are told when you are told to do it. This is just an unsolicited observation from a totally non-compliant crazy person.
from musikoid :
Thanks for the tip. I looked into it, and the nearest Big Lots is in Lewiston, 28 miles South of here. I could maybe get a ride or possibly charter a free bus. I have the application for the charter bus for seniors and people with disabilities, though I think I would have to dovetail the ride with something a bit more legit, such as a trip to the Social Security Office. Still, it would be great to score decent headphones at such a cost, and probably worth the trip. I'm still kinda hoping the old ones turn up, of course.
from minstrelite :
You're right - they don't respect a mean or heavy-handed leader, and in particular they will be on the lookout for signs of emotional or verbal abuse. I've noticed in the Performing Arts that there are still some Old School tyrants out there who somehow prosper, even though their tactics would be considered sadistic in other fields. But in this case, in the sacred context, or even considering that I will be among church people who tend to be concerned with what is wholesome and so forth, it's probably best I remain shifted into "manager mode" as much as can be reasonably justified in my mind.
from minstrelite :
insulting (of course.) It looked kinda like "insulin" there lol.
from minstrelite :
I agree. I actually surprised myself both times, last Wednesday and last night, by being able to respond professionally to comments that were stupid, insultin, or out-of-place - and I only had to shush somebody once - which was because I was talking with someone else at the time. There are three women in the Choir who seem not to have any grasp on the concept of not talking out of turn, raising your hand before asking a question, and that kind of thing. But I'm just sort of being loose about it right now because I want to show them I can maintain under pressure without freaking. When my boss said "thanks Andy" the first Wednesday, I think it was only courteous, but when he said it last night, it sounded sincere.
from musikoid :
Hey - those boxes aren't easy to open. A box cutter would come in handy for a lot of reasons. But what I'm wondering is maybe she didn't think it was so strange in the sense of her suspecting it was something you packed "just for the occasion" as just that you would pack it at all. I don't think it's strange, but that's just me. The overall knife fetish - well - that could be part of a larger concern. On somebody's part.
from musikoid :
Wow - that's a long time for the power to have been out! That must have been grueling. Well - I'm glad you finally have it restored. I'm doing better now - I think today's earlier entry is the first one that said anything, to speak of. Glad you checked back in with me, I had been wondering about you.
from musikoid :
Thanks for letting me know, Jack. I've been in something of a useless funk anyway, as I'm sure you've detected. It's going to take a turn for the better, however. Hopefully your power situation will improve soon as well.
from musikoid :
I got both your notes, and thanks for those. It's good that you and your therapist are moving forward - it sounds like a good relationship. I think that when it comes to my anger issues, both the pastor and my therapist are probably aware of how bad they can be, but just haven't seen them in such a demonstrative fashion as to appear insane. Same with mania, levels of anxiety, and so forth. So they both still have a lot of respect for me, and it's possibly they could be disillusioned. On the show, one thing is that I know it's imperfect, and so I'm purposely setting it aside for a couple weeks. People will come back with comments, and bring it back, so that's fine. I know what I *should* do is find a group of Actors to hold a reading, and then maybe rewrite it again with edits. So the project is not completely finished, even though a draft of the script is finished. Still, it just take a load off of me, finally having the a working version of the script.
from papotheclown :
As much as I hate that you are still feeling fucked up, I am glad to see you writing on here again. You've been missed, Jack.
from musikoid :
I've read the entry and reflected a bit. You and I, as we've discussed, are very much alike. Possibly if we were to talk in person or on the phone, or Skype or whatever, we might notice similarities in temperament, as well as thought processes that we've already discerned. But, me not being a psychologist, but knowing something about how our fathers affected us, my feeling is that, a lot of this low self-worth, if not all of it, has to do with your dad, and unresolved issues from the past. I don't know if that's helpful, but I will say I hope you can get a good therapist who will be keen not to trigger you. This one may be all right, I don't know - but I've been triggered by therapists before, and it is not helpful. What I worry about right now, personally, is that both my pastor and my therapist seem to *like* me too much. In enjoying their liking me, it is difficult for me to reveal the fullness of the sordid, disgusting nature of my ills. Anyway I am rooting for you, now and always.
from musikoid :
"When the whole world feels so hostile, toxic and dysfunctional. Dangerous. Disgusting. Horrible." I definitely identify with those times. One forgets about love then, and its power. It can be extremely unsettling. I'm still reading, by the way - I just stopped at that point to note you, in case I, too, become further distracted. I've been all over the map lately, myself.
from musikoid :
My sleep schedule is hella fucked up. I've been calling Jimbo who works graveyard in NYC. It's been 22 days since 420 once again, but I'm compelled to see if Biker Dennis has some weed and if he'd accept some cash so I don't feel like an asshole - he's already done me two favors, weed and a free lift in his cab somewhere. I got the application in but am feeling repercussions of having left my card in the machine this morning, now it will be 12 days before I get it, if it comes in 10 business days, had to pay rent from my other card, and so am strapped with money I can't access. Things are a general pisser right now but I'm sort of hiding in the show. Yes it's likely I'll feel depressed when I'm done, considering all that, and more, like you say.
from musikoid :
I just meant that the character died - I couldn't figure out a way to keep him around. And yes it did affect me - I didn't want him to die at the end of the show. I thought there should be a happier ending, but his death seemed unavoidable. Perhaps part of what I felt for a while was that a part of me had died, and I did feel that. But I think the part of me that had "died" was basically the faith that I could wrap this show up in a way that was at all satisfying. So the death of the character whom I had created was wrapped up in the "death" of faith in myself as a legitimate musical playwright. The Good News lol is that I found a way to "resurrect" him in the end, by making it only an attempted murder in which the assassin thought he had gotten away with it, but those "in the know" realized that Winston had not swallowed the bait. I had him tipped off beforehand in a way that caused him to narrowly escape death. So I was able to have him still pay a price that would settle the transgressions of his followers and still be alive at the end of the show, symbolizing Christ in all three aspects: the death, the price paid for sins, and the resurrection. Any more would give away the ending, but I'm on the last verse of the Finale Penultimo write now and about to write the lead in to the Finale Ultimo - so I'm at the bottom of p127. To stop now and sleep is an absurd proposition -- this time I'm gonna do it till it's done.
from musikoid :
Hope you're okay - I feel a little guilty for being so preoccupied with my project when you wrote and admitted to a deep depression. I'm hoping to get this done very soon. But in the meantime, I will certainly make an effort to be more accessible.
from musikoid :
Winston Greene has died, and I'm in a depressed state. I don't seem to be able to motivate his death, except by suicide - and I don't want to go there. I wish I could resurrect him, but only God has that power. Deus ex machina. I gotta get some sleep...
from musikoid :
Cool. I'm honored you follow my project blog. I'll look forward to receiving your email.
from musikoid :
I see you're online. Not sure if you've checked your email but I changed my password. I sent it to both your addresses.
from minstrelite :
Actually I'd never heard #6 before, but that's certainly very useful! It's not as though their shit stinks any more or less than my own. Thanks for that.
from minstrelite :
And thanks for your comment on #3 from yesterday. I hope you have a great day today.
from minstrelite :
I just saw this note: "I am sorry that I have not been around much reading, commenting, emailing much. I am some seriously bad fucked up head space right now. I am sporadically working on three different entries right now and have no idea if I will even post any of it. I am back and forth between dissociating and my attention span being anxious and all over the room. I don't even feel like I sound like me, which is making writing frustrating and sometimes near impossible." I somehow hadn't noticed it before, when for some reason it got buried beneath jimbotaxi's note that was probably sent at around the same time. I just wanted to relate to it, I get that way too - though more so with my Project Blog than DiaryLand. I think the difference is that, with the project blog, it's *public* and I'm painfully aware that total strangers just might be reading me. Maybe that's part of the dynamic with you as well? I'm not suggesting you lock up; it's just a commonality I observed.
from musikoid :
I don't have much to add on the top to your second note, since you were basically just affirming what I'd already offered. To the third note, I probably should only say congrats on kicking that shit. I didn't know Paxil was chemically related to cocaine, but now that I do, it puts a few things into perspective.
from musikoid :
To your first note: there's a book or an article somebody told me about some years ago, in which the author espoused that people who have made truly great contributions to humanity often have this trait. They have such an intense amount of disparate stuff going on in their minds that sometimes they even wind up leading double lives - or triple or somehow hidden lives. George Washington is an example - military leader, loved for his courage and patriotism, thought of as a straight-up moral example for the youth of his day; yet cross-dressing at swinger parties in Paris, showing up in European orgies, and that sort of thing. It also seems to me that those whose light shines brightest often have the most shady an d shadowy dark side as well. You may well be one of those people. You're here on DiaryLand and in your program to deal with the dark side, but somehow that darkness is the other side of a very radiant coin. Others see this in you, I'm sure. I do, anyway.
from musikoid :
Just to let you know (because I see you online) I'm about to answer all three of your notes in order - but I have to change laptop-locations first.
from minstrelite :
On #10 from yesterday: thanks, Jack. I actually wrote it down first, but decided quickly it should be No. 10, due to its "ultimate" nature.
from musikoid :
"when I was ready" - of course. :)
from musikoid :
Yeah that scale is mind-blowing. Not sure what the metrics were, but I'd have thought coke would have been a bit closer to meth, and sex would have been a bit farther from a good meal. However, meth *is* mind-altering in a way that far exceeds coke and is very hard to accept. I literally went from being a born-again Christian to a follower of Satan in fifteen minutes in January of 2007 -- and the Bible I was reading at the time sure wasn't the thing that had changed. Freaky stuff, and I'm glad to be away from it. Thank you, by the way, for the flattering assessment of my character, and I know you are sincere - but it wasn't hard to kick when I'm ready. I may be stronger than some, but the image of me beating myself on my head in my only daughter's presence and repeatedly shouting "I'm a piece of shit! I'm a piece of shit!" - in her workplace, even - is something that will never go away, long after the foul substance has. Hopping a BART cross the Bay at my next SSI check helped a lot too. Peace Out Bro.
from musikoid :
Oh yeah - I had just wanted to say that it's good that it's working out with your disability approval, despite the evil nature of the approving entity. I sometimes don't know why I even put up with psychiatrists at all, but the fact is that, if I get on the right meds AND have a decent therapist at the same time, life gets better. Sometimes (not all the time) you have to put up with a real jerk in order to do so. The Kaiser psychiatrist basically switched meds on me the morning my Mom died (she died later that afternoon) and the combination through me into a first-time manic episode. But what bugged me is that she NEVER admitted the medication change had anything to do with it -- even though after I stopped taking the meds (unilaterally) anybody who knew me at all affirmed for me that I was finally back to my normal self. Unfortunately, by that time I had lost a $50,000 annual income, a car, and my room rental. So no, they are definitely not quick to admit that their prescriptions can in any way be a part of the CAUSE of one's current disarray, and they are extremely quick to pin it on the mysterious nuances of one's diagnosis instead.
from musikoid :
To your first note, actually, you're a bit like me, Jack. I don't know how to say this. You're nuts but you're not nuts. The way I experience myself is that I seem to have so much going on inside, in so many different areas, on so many different levels, at any given moment, it's almost impossible for me to zero in on any one thing and decide that that one thing *is* *me* - if you know what I mean. There have been times when I would be having a perfectly cordial conversation with the person sitting across from me in a cafe while simultaneously sending out "Fuck You!" emails to my brother and engaging in a sibling argument of considerable hostility. Which one is me? Hard to say. Even right now, I'm not sure I said what I had set out to say, and I might even have to read your note again to remember it. But basically, I know people who don't talk much because they have nothing to say, and people who talk a lot but still have nothing to contribute, and you are neither. The things you say are always in some way meaningful and of interest to others. Don't forget that.
from musikoid :
I feel you on the psychiatrist thing. I think I've got it pretty good now, having found a decent therapist whom I can relate to, and getting the meds straight from my general practitioner, who is an M.D. I like the doc too - he's professional, respectful, doesn't cross any lines, doesn't play any games. The previous doc was like someone straight out of a horror movie. I'll never forget the weird look that came over her face as she told me that 'everybody could use the 12 Steps' (out of the blue by the way) and that she was 'not an addict by the grace of God' - she got this freaky glaze in her eyes as though she had suddenly been possessed by a demon or something. Then she turned to my chart, drilled me about past meth use, and immediately proceeded to prescribe me a drug whose chemical structure was almost identical to crystal meth - and at three times the usual starting dosage, I later learned. I was like "get me the fuck out of here!!" But sometimes I have too low of self-esteem to realize that it's not my bad, and I will keep going back to a shitty doc just because I feel powerless to do anything about it. I did that with my Kaiser psychiatrist for years, whom I can still pretty righteously credit with my complete breakdown in 2004. It seems that, in general, an M.D. is more likely to respect your rights and feelings with regards to a psychiatric medication than is a psychiatrist. I don't like to generalize, but I've been used as a guinea pig by psychiatrists throughout my (earlier) life, and not by M.D.'s. They're *more* likely to just do their job, imho.
from musikoid :
I just received all your beautiful notes. I do feel much better having come back. I thought I was doing the right thing, because it seemed to correspond with other decisions I'd made that turned out to be right for me (such as deleting my Facebook), but the void that was left without having DiaryLand in my life proved to be too much for me. Almost instantly after I left DiaryLand, an awful situation suddenly arose at work, completely unexpected, out of the blue - I think I described it in the email. I so wished I could "write it all out" but whenever I tried to do so, in pen & ink or offline, or on some other interface, it just wasn't the same. I finally realized it was only my pride that was keeping me away, because I didn't want to humble myself to admit that I simply need you guys. All of you. And that's a good thing. DiaryLand right now - for me - is a good thing. I'm also glad to hear you're hanging in with the program. It sounds as though the Master Interrogator is "old guard" and they're needs to be a changing of the guard. Some of the O.G.'s become more dictatorial with age, I've noticed. I hope I never become one of them. (Of course, I've never aged, so I'm lucky, in that regard.) ;) Otherwise things are rolling along now that the work situation is on its way to a favorable solution, and other aspects of my personal and spiritual life are finding their way back to health. Thanks again for your lovely and thoughtful notes, Jack. I am truly touched. Love, Andy
from cherrygash :
Thanks for listening. I think feeling alone is the worst of all.
from minstrelite :
It may be that you're undergoing a period of change. This can be painful, even if growthful in the long run. I'm wondering what happened with your disability and with the control freak who was threatened by your resistance -
from musikoid :
There's something there, yes.
from musikoid :
I'm glad you found yourself "strangely comforted" in catching up with me. I actually have been drawing a strange sort of comfort from my own progress, particularly with regards to the musical. The national situation right now, with its global implications, is enough to have any sentient being on edge. But then I remember "God" (whom I put in quotes to emphasize a broader concept than the typical) and how it seems to most of my companions that I was catapulted to an almost idyllic artistic, non-religious community of like-minded people only once I was able to put some distance between myself and my flirtation with a foul substance that had been holding me back for some years. It also seems that this community is strangely close to the Canadian border. Combining those two facts, to say that God has an interest in seeing me finish this piece is probably only one small part of a larger picture, for me, for you, for humankind. I say that in humility, not placing myself in the center by any means, but acknowledging for once my membership in a greater human company, and the hope that this company of humanity, always having endured, will endure still.
from musikoid :
I'm answering your two notes in reverse order. Yeah that was kind of funny when the three "users online right now" were me, you and flood. It was as though it was a little mini-club, and I got the natural feeling each of us might have been 'reading' the other, as though it had somehow been ordained or set up that way.
from musikoid :
Saw you were online - just wondered how it's going. Looks like you logged off now - hope things are okay.
from minstrelite :
Thanks for indulging my curiosity, and for your notes. I sent the note to the therapist as is. On p.73 now, mid Scene Five, on my roll. Lot of problems solved - I'm in the Great Space.
from musikoid :
I see you've emailed regarding this Tyler in whom you trust. I'm so far behind on correspondence, and even D-Land notes these days. It's true that I'm busier, but also I think I've been receiving more messages lately. Maybe sending more too. But as to the age thing, I see you and I as on the same age-length somehow. Some younger men are like "sons" to me. With you and I, things are more even. By the way, I saw your pictures on Google Plus. You remind me somewhat of one of my daughter's boyfriends, a fellow named Breck who was also bipolar. And he, too, reminded me somewhat of me - as you do, as we've discussed. Interesting.
from musikoid :
This may be a completely naive question, but who exactly is Tyler? Or is that even possible to answer?
from musikoid :
I didn't perceive you to be ignoring me at all. It takes me a long time to get to emails from people and I should definitely start sending fewer of them (whether they appear to be "spam" or not). It took me a while to answer your reply from recently to my G-Mail so no worries. On the age thing I often say things like "when I went to college a hundred years ago" and grossly exaggerate the figure because I find it dates me less when I do that then when I state my actual age. The guy at the bagel shop had me 13 years younger just now. But it is true, I don't *act* my age in many respects because there's a part of me that "never grew up" which is probably why I get along so well with people who are 30-something. My daughter is 31 and it seems almost magically that many of my friends, both online and off, are around 30 or 31. I'm a magnet to that age group. But also physiologically I think I'm younger than most of my peers. Jim the Janitor is only 4 years older than me but easily looks and sort-of thinks 20 years older than me. Most of my peers, though they may not have had the mental health issues I've had, have had *far* more physical health issues. One guy is dying of prostate cancer at this moment, and I've managed to come away my whole life so far with nothing but a low thyroid and a low Vitamin D level. So - I think my running and my music have kept me young. But I still wish I had my shit together.
from musikoid :
I also tend to quickly jump to the conclusion that the missing item has been stolen, probably because I've been ripped off so much in recent years. Biker Dennis down the hall says he does the same thing. Pardon me if I'm repeating myself (I do that), but he was thinking somebody had stolen his paper towels when he couldn't find them to give me a couple to use as coffee filters. I forgot I had moved my new singing microphone the other day, and assumed one of the neighbors had stolen it before I found it shortly later in the closet. The fact is, I've not been ripped off here once. Dennis was the guy who found my wallet in the laundry room, and he removed it for safekeeping till he ran into me, not knowing which room I was in at the time. (He's on staff here.) For me, these things are all part of the culture shock and lifestyle change phenomenon. Half the time, I literally don't know what's coming next. (I say this, tomorrow being Black Friday. Or should we call it White Friday? Don't mind me.)
from musikoid :
Height of the Grunge era. OK I first tuned into grunge when the guy across from me in my studio apartment in Burlingame played in a grunge band. That would have been mid-nineties. So I've been trying to figure out how old you are (approximately), and had already been thinking you're probably in your mid-to-late 30's, or early forties. I guess the math confirms that, more-or-less. My age, of course, is no secret.
from musikoid :
I didn't start on the coffee till I was 19. Then I started staying up all night in the local Sambo's restaurant (yes, they still had Sambo's restaurants in those days!), usually with all the theatre people, being a Dramatic Arts major at the time. I ran into my first-year roommate from the dorm when I was in my junior and he very seriously asked me what had happened to me - genuinely concerned. He said that I had used to be this very calm, quiet person, though a bit spacey - and now I was bouncing off the walls. I had not yet used illegal drugs (I first used acid later on when I was 20, pot came at the age of 21). So when I honestly told him it was "coffee" that had me zinging, he was flabbergasted. Interesting memory...
from musikoid :
I've used paper towels, kleenex, toilet paper - they all kind of halfway work, like you say. Funny, this guy Dennis didn't think he had any filters, and was suggesting paper towels, which he was sure he had in his place. Then he invited me over and proceeded to look for the paper towels. When he couldn't find them, he started acting just like *me* -- that is, he began gradually to assume that aomebody had stolen him. I left after a bit, then a while later he knocked on the door with the filters. Anyway, I never started drinking coffee till I was 19 and already (forced) out of the house. Never had to worry about escaping from my dad, since he favored my brother and the two of them spent all their time together without me.
from papotheclown :
Thank you, Jack. I'm sure you know what it feels like to have someone just check in on you. It means a lot.
from musikoid :
OK cool. I wondered as I went to bed last night (or rather, early this morning), if two people could possibly have thought up that name...
from musikoid :
Oh wow - I did send it to the wrong address. It didn't bounce. Well - I doubt they'll steal it. I have copyright info on it if they even bother to open the file. Let me resend.
from musikoid :
Odd - maybe it's delayed. I sent it from my G-Mail and later replied to the emails you sent to my Zoho. Let me send it again, from my Zoho.
from musikoid :
I just sent you an mp3. If you can't open it, let me know.
from musikoid :
Ah - it was your sister. I get it now. Somehow that makes it even more beautiful.
from musikoid :
Sent you the first three scenes of my script tonight, finished them at around three in the morning. No pressure or rush on reading - but they're there when you want them.
from musikoid :
I always read everyone's stuff too, except for when I get behind if the person (like me) updates very frequently and/or posts very lengthy entries. Even then, I try to catch everything, but sometimes I lapse. I tend to remember what others have written, but I often forget what I have written myself. About the *deleting* of entries, it's an insecurity of mine. Sometimes I delete it because I judge the quality of writing harshly, but usually it's because I think I'm "ranting" - and it's ugly to me when I look at it later after my mood has calmed. That's probably not a good thing to do - but like I said, it's an insecurity. Earlier on, some people whom I liked very much sort of rejected me because of the rant - or perhaps specific things said in the rants that might have offended or triggered certain readers - and so I'm trying to balance out my desire to speak my mind precisely with my desire to retain friends among people whom I care about.
from musikoid :
Wow - I just deleted that entry, just before I saw your note. I did save it to a text file first. You must be a good reader, or read very carefully. I did put a bit of work into that entry, making sure it kinda "built up" - consolidating all the "anti-rich" stuff toward the end of the entry. I think there are some lines in there I can use in my show, particularly the last short paragraph. But I deleted it impulsively out of self-hatred.
from musikoid :
That's like - highly metaphorical. You "showed your hand." I wasn't sure who you were writing to - but that person deeply cares about you.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack. I just spent four hours on a diary entry, maybe you read it. It used to be two entries, I fused it into one. It's not great writing - I just had to get it out of my system. I like the last paragraph, though. + Also have thought of sending you an email recently. I'll look forward to hearing from you, if you reach me first.
from musikoid :
Just to let you know, I've been reading. The sordid expose struck me as fascinating - your stark take on yourself is definitely refreshing and invigorating. But this is nothing new. I wish I had something more valuable to contribute right now, but I don't. I may be a bit more preoccupied than usual.
from musikoid :
Thanks for the well wishes. I'm sure I will descend again at some point and have fellowship with the earthlings once again, soon.
from papotheclown :
That's solid advice, I think I'll work up to calling on the old friends and asking for a hangout. But baby steps. First, leave the house. That's my goal for today.
from papotheclown :
I am glad I survived too. As always, thank you for your powerful words.
from minstrelite :
Merry Christmas to you as well! (Albeit a day late...)
from musikoid :
I'm actually extremely hygienic when I have the wherewithal as well as the motivation to be that way. In homelessness, I lacked both. It was hard to focus on something as relatively non-essential to survival as hygiene, when most of my time and energy was spent scrounging up food and a place to catch up on sleep, as well as escaping the more dangerous sorts who roam the streets in search of easy marks for their robbery. If I wanted to have any time for my creative work at all, hygiene was usually the first thing to go. The time and energy involved in trying to come up with a pair of clean socks was just a lot more than I even wanted to deal with. But also, when I've lived indoors and haven't had sufficient money, I've sometimes sluffed it off as well. Right now it's very essential, because I'm working - and at a church, no less - in a position where I'm always visible to the entire congregation. So if I don't look sharp, it shows. I think I want to add that I can relate to Depression as being something that makes it difficult to keep it up as well. I read recently that the semi-beard one gets from neglecting to shave for four or five days is sometimes called a "depression beard." I can feel that. Anyway, thanks for your appreciation of my note. My heart went out to you, and I had to say something. I hope things are proceeding closer toward your goal these days - I'm rootin' for ya.
from jaysthoughts :
Oy "Jack". Happy Holidays and so forth.
from musikoid :
Jack, I just finished reading your most recent entry. I just want to say, it is really hard *not* to love you - at least from here. About stinky socks and rancid pheromones, I used to go weeks when I was homeless without changing any of my clothing at all, let alone socks. Socks were like gold down there, and homeless guys fought each other over shirts and sweatshirts we would find on the ground. What I'm saying is that in the so-called "real" world, people tune into stuff like hygeine and they pass judgments accordingly. But *WE* see you as who you are - beautiful, vital, luminous. It's really hard not to love you, Jack.
from musikoid :
Dude! You just gave me a Good Muse. When Mark Twain said he could live three days on a compliment, he must have taken the words straight out of my mouth. Those words are golden - AND - I can use them all. :)
from papotheclown :
You are truly one of the most encouraging people in my life and that means even more considering everything that you are going through and the fact that we don't even know each other's real names. Thank you for being so kind.
from musikoid :
Probably it's due to an old computer. I don't know what special new software or add-ons would be needed, however. My own computer is a 2011, and I don't have problems playing them. So maybe yours is more aged than that. In any case, if you're comfortable leaving a postal address to my email, I'd be happy to send you a CD.
from minstrelite :
I'm glad you pointed out No. 7 on #339. I had to go back to see which one that was, but I think the way you worded your response has been helpful to me. It might indeed be the beginning of *true* self-love. Not arrogance or narcissism, but an actual healthy attitude toward oneself. I think too many of us never bother to find our own integrity, or own individual identity in this society. The emphasis all too often is on fitting in with the social norms and not making waves. People who think outside the box are often regarded as threats to the system, which appears to be part of what is happening with you in dealing with the control-freak whom you've been discussing in your diary. As I've learned about myself, I have a rebellious spirit. But that's not necessarily a bad thing at all, if the rebellious energy can be directed toward something worth rebelling against. This nation was obviously not founded by kiss-asses who didn't want to make waves, and I think one would have to agree with that no matter where they stand on the political spectrum. So it doesn't stand to reason that we accept a society in which freedom of expression is suppressed. Thank you for your words, and for the thoughts they have catalyzed.
from musikoid :
I went back fairly far (to the 13th), and did find one wrong link. The correct link to "Hunted" is https://soundcloud.com/e-e-ando/hunted-6p and I've fixed it in the entry. Other than that I couldn't find anything wrong. They all load up very quickly on my system.
from musikoid :
I do have my music on two different sites, so I'll go ahead and give you the urls: https://edeninbabylon.com and https://soundcloud.com/e-e-ando + On the first you'll want to navigate to places like https://edeninbablyon.com/babylon or https://edeninbabylon.com/winston-greene/score etc. You'll figure it all out once the home page loads. It may be that I've typed some links incorrectly in my diaries. I'll check. Thanks for noting.
from catsoul :
I just decided to. Was wondering how you have been doing. Is that alright by you? Gotta ask the question??????? =^..^=
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack. As they say, always darkest before the dawn.
from musikoid :
Not at all. The compliment was beautiful. I haven't smoked, though maybe I will. Smoking before church bugged me, that just wasn't cool. But I didn't lose the job or anything. I've put out feelers and nobody could tell. They never can. My metabolism is unusual. 420 helps me focus when I'm manic or fragmented and nine times out of ten removes depression. As for other effects, the key is not to take that third hit. It's medication to me, but I still don't know if it's useful in the long haul. I do like the way that it can open up gateways of perception into the unknown, and I do believe that this is real. But as a person who's gotten his head torn to shreds through channeling and that kind of thing, all I can say is thank God for Music.
from musikoid :
You, Jack, are very welcome. And also thanks on the "spacey" entry. What I didn't want to admit when I was feeling very persuaded that I really shouldn't be messing with any Mary Jane at this particular time in my life, is that I honestly believe all that stuff. It's not just some 420-related hallucination. My perceptions become altered just enough for me to clearly discern that the music, in its perfect form, has already somehow been written somewhere, and it's just sitting there, like Bob Dylan once said, waiting for somebody to pick it up. The problem, of course, is that more than one composer might pick it up at the same time. We have similar phenomena in science and other fields. They say Newton and Liebniz both discovered the Calculus in mathematics at almost the same time in history, independently of one another. Music has that kind of perfection to it, in its purest form - that kind of Divinity. Not everybody is convinced of that - but I am.
from musikoid :
Of course he's afraid of you. You're a threat to his control issues. Anyway thanks for the compliment, but shucks it was nothing. Basically I'm rooting for you, I have a feeling you're going to pull through, and I'll be interested in seeing how it all pans out in your favor.
from floodtide :
I can offer no comfort or wisdom, but I can promise you this: *I* give a shit about you. I think about you every day with love and compassion and hopes for healing or even just calm. Someone is on your side.
from papotheclown :
I have no real words of solace or advice for you. But I am with you. Keep pressing on, friend.
from musikoid :
and
from musikoid :
He's a megalomaniac, ans he must be stopped. If everybody's on your side, then "safety in numbers" applies. Maybe Quality Control can disqualify this pompous buffoon in some way. It seems he preys upon the popular weakness people have for pills of all sorts in our society. Since a lot of people just love to gobble 'em up, he thrives on that, and if somebody resists, he sees it is a threat. You, much as you are merely trying to keep your case alive and get your disability and get out of there, are seen as a threat to this evil idiot. I really hope you do just gut this out, whatever it takes, Jack. If we lose you, we lose a shining light, a luminary. Why does this society dehumanize its visionaries? Why do we criminalize the Artists and institutionalize the Saviors? I am triggered, yes - but only to outrage. I'm not going to lose my life over this; I just don't want to see you lose yours. The loss would not be mine, but humanity's. I'm sorry. I hope I didn't cross a line.
from musikoid :
"Are we God's drug induced dream?" Wow -
from musikoid :
I applaud you for keeping up the fight. You're in control; you do have a legal right to refuse any medication. I trust the main thing is to get your disability and ensure that you have sufficient support.
from minstrelite :
No - thank *you.* ;)
from musikoid :
Coming off Abilify could have a lot to do with it. I'm not one to talk to about psych meds, I'm afraid. They actually finally listed me as having allergies to Abilify, Seroquel, Respirdal, Trilafon, and Geodon because of the way they affected me, I couldn't stand any of them. On Geodon I lost my center completely, it was scary.
from musikoid :
Hard to say (of course) but I somehow doubt that it's "too late" for you. Usually, the first step in change is to recognize the thing that needs changing. That you seem to have done. However, it's not clear that you want to change it. That's what I see anyway, from a limited perspective. As for me, yeah I get bored easily. Sometimes I throw in crazy shit just to make things interesting. This may or may not be a bad thing to do -- but it's what I do. Sometimes I regret it; sometimes I don't. It's pretty easy not to take it seriously, unless it really screws somebody up (myself included). But most of the time, all it does is pass the time.
from musikoid :
Jack, I just finished reading your recent entry, which was impressive in its capacity to really paint a clear self-portrait in so many aspects - you as a human being, you where you are right now, and so forth. Say, here is a question for you: are you a person who gets bored easily? Would you consider yourself as such?
from musikoid :
Hey Jack. Thanks for your detailed note. I was able to get out of work this morning - of course. They're decent people, and they would not have been so crass. They actually had not been expecting me even to call, otherwise they'd have called me first. But Norman appreciated my wanting to seal it up one to one, and I assured him I would stay in communication. I'll be writing more about this as the day goes on. This loss is overwhelming. It's not what I felt when my Mom died, at all.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jack.
from musikoid :
It should be the same password now. I forgotten I had changed it the other night when I was out-of-it with all those pills. Then, there was a death in the family.
from chakra-nadi :
If you are paying to work, you should quit. It can't be that difficult to find another shit job after a few weeks off.
from musikoid :
Sure does.
from musikoid :
That's why I was laughing so hard while I was reading that one entry. It's not exactly nervous laughter, but I think it might stem from a deep or unconscious need to legitimize the behavior by showing that it's enjoyable, even though observers of it might think I'm bonkers or even be a bit freaked out by it. One feels strangely powerful at such moments.
from musikoid :
Well, you see, I'm much the same way. Whenever I'm in a particularly twisted or self-destructive state, a wild form of humor emerges that can at least have Me Myself in stitches, if no one else.
from minstrelite :
Oh God you have me laughing my ass off. A *horribly* funny story is right! I'm taking a break after "Likes me?" -- I'm gonna pee in my pants.
from musikoid :
I'm still not halfway thru your recent entry, and still pondering what kind of strange political move it may have been on the nurse's part to tell the therapist that she likes you. But I had to pause to quote you here: "If I smelled fear, it was there. I can taste your blood on the air." Shit, that's great stuff, dude.
from musikoid :
Right - instant mood results. I notice this. I feel more steady after working out, with less of a "swing." Also tend to focus better.
from musikoid :
Gotcha on the lack of sleep and the power of the subconscious.
from musikoid :
Thanks for the compliment. I remember at the Berkeley Fellowship of A.A. where I used to get my free cup of coffee in the morning, they used to always tell me I had a nice reading voice whenever I volunteered to read the literature. I used to like reading bedtime stories to my daughter and my stepdaughter, and hell, I've been doing theatre most of my life expect for the past ten years or so, and I guess some aspects of the Actor in me never die. Yeah whenever you can get around to it unhassled, that would be fine, no rush of course. Also I did get your new email, I just haven't yet crafted a reply.
from musikoid :
Chock it up to the broadcast feature on Adobe Audition 3. ;)
from minstrelite :
Re #5 & #7 on list 307, *no* - thank YOU.
from musikoid :
Just read your recent entry - will have to backtrack to catch some of the context. I wasn't triggered but I will say that your writing on this one was *extremely* engaging. Brutal in places, but so well-written, one is envious, one is.
from musikoid :
I was a bit shaken at the time of writing the previous note, so I neglected to thank you for your words of appreciation toward my entry "The Reason." I just went back and re-read it to see what I had written. You know, that *is* an unusually good one. It's hit & miss, I guess, when you have an online diary that you're willing to let others read, even though you're trying to be as personal as possible about your deepest darkest shit. Yours is great that way, by the way. I often go: "this is a guy to whom I can relate." Some of the variables might be different - but hey, we're human. Same shit, different pile. Anyway, it really does help for me to "keep it simple" and remember that this is a job, the deal is, suit up, show up, shut up, and do the fucking job. Whether they fire me later is immaterial to the fact of the present day paycheck upon which I sit. I'm lucky I'm not on the streets. So - perspective is gold.
from musikoid :
No worries about the multiple notes, it's part of what makes DiaryLand so cool. I just wish I hadn't gone and deleted all my old notes from both diaries one day in some kind of fit, because it would be a gas to go back to the year 2002 and be able to look at them all. About the shakes, it's a little ironic I said I didn't identify, because three hours ago I was getting shakes of a different kind that I guess I'd forgotten I get. Two other guys were present, one of whom being this janitor fellow who makes me a bit uncomfortable, and my brain was trying to process about five things at once at the mysterious moment when my wallet disappeared. That was over three hours ago and I'm only now recovering. Some guy had pulled my clothes out of the dryer and laid them on top in order to put his own clothes in on my dollar. I was infuriated and those other two guys were around, and no doubt my wallet was lost in the scuffle. Unless I left it in my hoodie pocket and the guy snatched it when he yanked my clothes out of the dryer. Most people at the building have been pretty cool but all it takes is one jerk like that. I hope I find my wallet, so all this hate I'm feeling will go away. Anyway thank you for your notes. I can probably speak more profoundly about father figures at a near future moment.
from musikoid :
This is not in response to any particular entry of yours, but I couldn't help but read some of your notes when I left a note for floodtide. I also have those dreams. Sometimes I have them for nights on end, and then they disappear. My Mom and Dad will both be in the dreams, both be still alive, both be acting exactly as they've always acted - yet I am an adult in the dreams. In a sense, that is. I wonder if those dreams reflect a deep internal need for ongoing dependency on parental figures. This may also be what leads some people toward monotheistic (or even polytheistic) religions involving a Partiarch (and perhaps a Matriarch.) My fascination with such matters is what enables me to overcome the emotional pain of it all - although I guess some would call that "sublimation" (or even *denial.*) Anyway, just expressing some identification. I do have to admit that I don't know what those shakes are like. I've seen them, especially in my brother-in-law who fell off a boat when he was drunk and died at the age of 46. But I've not had them. I have had "other things" happen on the "morning after," - if you get my meaning - and they were none too pleasant, for myself and others.
from musikoid :
That previously note was obviously meant to come from Minstrelite. You already know that but my ego wouldn't let me leave out the information.
from musikoid :
Yes. It's also a trip when the synchronicity is the first thing that hits you first thing in the morning. You wake up with the sense that life has meaning.
from minstrelite :
On #10, A Buddhist teacher once wrote: "We are never trapped in life, for everywhere are opportunities for spontaneity and improvisation." It's one of those sayings that has stuck with me.
from minstrelite :
Very true.
from papotheclown :
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me.
from minstrelite :
Yeah I get the chuckle on No. 9. Telling myself that I may know how cruddy I feel upon making appearance, but they don't necessarily know - or need to.
from minstrelite :
I've noticed, the times when I've done it consistently (every morning over a period of time) that it actually *does* work. I might feel stupid, or like you said just repeating the same stuff over and over, or even feel phony or hypocritical. Or just - corny or something. But it somehow helps, even in problem-solving, to acknowledge the good stuff you've got going on. It's not as though one is ignoring the problems, it's more like one is reminded why they need to be solved, and how they can be.
from musikoid :
That does suck. Maybe try a different browser? Sometimes things are just slow.
from musikoid :
I had to fix one of the links, but it should have been working till recently. I just checked all four and they work on my end on different browsers - they're not just going to local files. You can try again but I'm not sure what the problem would continue to be. (I assume you're referring to the links on the *Very Same World* entry.)
from papotheclown :
Glad you are still alive. Also very glad that you have people who care that much about you.
from musikoid :
You're welcome, Jack. :)
from floodtide :
I am having the same fear: I shake. At first I thought it meant my surgery wasn't successful. Then I realized it was always after 24-48 hours without a drink. So I think it's withdrawal. I've been making sure I get a drink at regular intervals over the weekend, because I couldn't bear the idea of shaking while in Utah (where I had to write constantly) but I'm thinking this week I need to try to detox. Just get THROUGH the shaking shit and let my body recover. Don't know if I can do it.
from musikoid :
Got it. I wrote back with info on both diaries.
from musikoid :
Right.
from musikoid :
Never heard of One Leg. This would have been ten or twelve years ago, and it would have been Minstrelite if not Musikoid. But now that you mention Enurta, I don't think we interacted - I think your name is familiar from seeing your notes on Enurta's page.
from musikoid :
We might have interacted before - your username sounds familiar. I changed mine from my original name because I offended everybody when I first came on here while I was having a manic episode. I'm thinking of changing back so I can make good and sort of un-offend everybody. But maybe I'm the only one who thinks that way. Anyway, I'll look forward to getting your email.
from musikoid :
No worries about the self-perception of nosiness or eavesdrop. But the problem is, I can't seem to get to everybody's archives. Floodtide, for example, it keeps saying he's updated - and he was going to see Little Shop in Utah, and I was wondering how the show was, and all that. Some other people, I get to their archives all right, but I can't always seem to find them. I've been suggesting people write to Andrew and put "Can you fix DiaryLand, please?" in the email. He tends not to "man the store," but I've noticed in the past that enough people bombard him with emails all having the same subject line, it will often jar him into responding. By the way, Jack, if you want my password, send me an email at manlygodlyfather at zoho dot com.
from cherrygash :
Really enjoyed your last entry. A couple spots made me laugh but then some were so real, they hit close to home.
from papotheclown :
Then let's raise our glasses to solidarity then. We'll get through this.
from papotheclown :
Virtual hugs are totally allowed. I really do appreciate your support and am sorry that you can relate to so much of what I am going through. Someday we will be old sages sitting on top of mountains and this will all seem like nothing.
from floodtide :
My (semi-adopted, long story) son is a cutter. Has been since maybe junior high school. It was very, very hard for me to learn that the more I begged him to stop, the more likely he was to continue. I won't beg you to stop, I'll just say I'm sorry you're feeling out of control. I hate that feeling, and it's pretty much all I've got these days. You are in my thoughts; I send love and compassion and care.
from papotheclown :
That was a powerful. Thanks for sharing. I am glad you see me. I am glad I have the opportunity to see you too.
from floodtide :
Yes, Rothko. With whom and with whose work I am borderline-obsessed. Even though I've mostly given up acting, it's a life goal to play Rothko in John Logan's play "RED." (Again: "life goal" may be less accurate than "borderline-obsession.") Thanks for your kind notes. I have been journaling since I was a kid in high school, on and off through college and various grad degrees, etc., and D-land was a perfect place to land (a buddy suggested it to me, though he no longer writes here). I started in 2000 or 2001 - about the same time as you - but at some point I dropped out and erased the whole thing because my diary, public at the time, hurt someone I love very badly when she came across it inadvertently. I downloaded a backup copy, but I'll be damned if I can remember the password to unlock the MS Word file. Your diary is beautiful. Art, even. Please keep recording and sharing. I hope I've made a friend.
from floodtide :
For reasons I can't begin to explain I clicked on your diary in the "Recent public entries" window on the right side of the page, halfway through writing my own entry for the morning. I read one entry and was hooked. What a gift your honesty and vulnerability are. I don't presume you'd want to read my own d-land stuff, but I can't read you without at least offering to share in-kind: username: recondite password: phoenix Thanks for what you share. It matters, and it helps. - gwm, aka flood
from papotheclown :
I don't think I have any words of wisdom regarding your last entry, but I do want to say that I think you are a beautiful writer. Keep being you.
from daath :
I equally do not understand the reactions and feelings of others, so far as I am concerned. Unless I am actively trying to be charming to get a desired response, that some manifested behavior registers a positive or negative emotion is strange--but especially so when it's positive. People quite largely do not give a shit. Anything beyond apathy or idle curiosity in an equal power exchange makes no sense.
from papotheclown :
I really appreciate the kind words. I needed them. I try to believe I am worthy of love, but it is hard to when all the evidence seemingly points to the contrary. I am still trying though. I keep telling myself that someday all this suffering will seem like nothing compared to the joy I will reap from it. Right now, it mostly just hurts. Thank you again for being here.
from papotheclown :
I've never heard that song before. I like it. Thank you.
from papotheclown :
I think what keeps me coming back to Diaryland after all these years is this weird and specific kind of community. We don't know each other at all, but we do know each other's pain. We all seem to be going through different forms of the same thing. I'm glad we can be there for each other.
from the-grey-one :
Cats are amazing. If picturing someone else in your situation/life helps you to be kinder to yourself or to have your own back, I say keep up with that as much as you can.
from papotheclown :
Reading about your sessions made me cringe with anxiety. Just know we are here with you in whatever way displaced words can be.
from the-grey-one :
That sessions sounds so intense, I am very glad you got through it. I totally get why you wouldn't want to up your medication as well. Shame is a motherfucker, and becomes so raw when someone is looking at it. Also, I think it's awesome you viewed yourself as you would a friend and felt that desire to protect. I very much hope you are graced with some kindness to help soothe the burn of that day.
from papotheclown :
God, that last entry was so good. I can relate to being both the bubble boy and the friend that loses patience trying to get him to re-engage the world. Acceptance is crucial, but very hard to do.
from papotheclown :
Here's hoping the sane way works.
from papotheclown :
He is a very wise man indeed. And hey, thanks for being a reader. I enjoy and appreciate you.
from the-grey-one :
Heeey. I really like the way you write your journal. I've been reading for a good while, and I'd assumed I had already told you that, but it seems I've been a quiet lurker until now. I mostly just wanted to let you know that you are seen and appreciated and say hi, so hullo, fellow diarylander. I wish kind things for you.
from papotheclown :
Yes, I think you described that kind of lack of connection quite well. I wonder if we are writers because we have trouble with real life social interaction or if it's the reverse. Hard to say. And funnily enough, I too have fallen sort of in love with another Diarylander and have become quite close friends with several others. I have never met any of them in real life. It's part of the reason that keeps me coming back here and not just journaling in a private word document or something. Also funnily enough, my sister-in-law is from that very same part of the world and she and my brother will be there in just a week or so for a wedding. Maybe I'll just switch places with my brother (no one will ever notice) and go up there in his stead. I am pretty confident he'd be okay with it.
from papotheclown :
The albatross is a good analogy. I frequently compare myself to a turtle. I am graceful when I write; quick witted and confident even. But when speaking, I have trouble finding words, I can stutter and have a very hard time making eye contact. Nonetheless, when I am writing I find that it doesn't really matter who the audience is, I am basically still just writing to myself. In that regard, I feel like I am never really connecting with anyone. Which is why I am trying to talk more and have in person human connection. What part of the world do you live in? I live in Colorado, where it is almost always good weather for a walk (not that I do it much).
from papotheclown :
Also, I love that you refer to your diary as an asshole license. It's a great description of all of our blogs. This is the repository for our darkest and deepest thoughts. If we lived in the same town, I would suggest we go for a walk. Actually talking is so much different than writing. I hope you find someone to actually talk to. As it is, you can always talk to me. I'd even give you my email or whatever if that's easier. Take care of yourself.
from papotheclown :
I really appreciate you. Thank you.
from cherrygash :
Pickles and beef jerky, hilarious stuff.
from papotheclown :
Thank you, friend.
from papotheclown :
Hey look! I'm your last four notes! Exciting. I think the execution part of mindfulness is the hardest part for all of us. That's why Buddha refers to it as "cultivation." It takes some real time to let those ideas take root and start flowering. It'll happen eventually. I like the idea of going to sleep with a rock or something in my hand. I might steal it from you.
from papotheclown :
That's very good advice. I feel like I am always the one that complicates things in the friends-with-benefits situations. I start thinking that they are getting attached and then I start freaking out. I just need to learn to calm myself down.
from papotheclown :
Make sure to take care of yourself as well. Stress builds up even when we ignore it.
from papotheclown :
That's good advice. I ended up hanging out with my friends that night anyway and ended up enjoying myself. If nothing else, I felt they valued the fact that I am so willing to listen.
from enurta :
thank you Jack, I wish you the same my dear friend.
from enurta :
musikoid had the same problem. I don't know what's wrong.
from enurta :
try using chrome. or maybe it's just d-land fucking about. is mine the only locked one that does not open?
from enurta :
WHAT? thats so fucking weird
from enurta :
thanks jack.
from enurta :
Well this is the weird part - I don't have a cold and no mucous at all. the nurse on the phone thought it had evolved further - apparently if you do not treat a sinus infection things can get dire. I have no sense of smell and haven't had one for at least a year now. I cannot breathe through my nose but there is no mucous what so ever. it's just dry and painful in there. it hurts. I have no idea what's wrong with me. going to see my MD in a couple of hours. I hope she can help and doesn't refer me to the same doctor that said my problems were 'nothing' last time. I don't like him. he's mean. I hate to be in the mercy of a doctor. they can basically tell you or do whatever they fuck they want and nobody can contradict them. unless you die. and even if you do - the consequences aren't that serious for them. there's an excuse for everything and people patting them on the back telling them they did what they could. frankly I think it's disgusting. a doctor should lose his/her license if they make a mistake and somebody ends up dead. but for us 'patients' or whatever dying is the easy way out. there are things that are worse. like suffering and suffering while nobody gives a shit until your body just collapses and you're a vegetable. God knows how much this body has been used and abused. no wonder this is happening. if something were to happen I have no one to help me either so let's hope it's nothing and if it is something that I fucking die. I do not want to be tortured any more.
from enurta :
yes of course you can. but that also means poor decisions will be made since you have no say in the matter. if you thought being 'you' was awful - the one in control now won't help you.
from enurta :
you saved Tom's life 10 years ago (with a note full of information) and you are a talented writer. I've always looked up to you. when someone helps me, I always help them back. no matter what the hell is going on in my life. take care Jack, you are a beautiful person and everything happens for a reason...remember that. xoxo
from enurta :
please...just don't. I can't losing another person. you have inspired me a lot. you are so good at writing, please, I am going through my own stuff right now so I can't really e-mail you or anything but please...it's stupid. you are going to regret it in the after-life. it's not worth it. don't do it. I beg you.
from enurta :
um. you have no idea what that is. it could be anything with that bs printed on the bottle. and you need to check if it's okay to take with the other meds, you know? worst thing is not dying. worst thing is maybe having a stroke, or being in a coma. or fucking up yourself so you're disabled like a vegetable with a daiper not being able to speak for the rest of your life. I will check out what they exactly 'are' and e-mail you. you are a free man jack, but suicide solves nothing.
from enurta :
thank you for your wise words, Jack <3 you're absolutely right.
from chakra-nadi :
yes, mid shift jobs are the worst. Your whole days is just gone. That guinea pig at the pet store was awesome. They were hiring, but they are only open 11-7. That's totally mid shift and I won't do those anymore. Plus, I'd probably turn into a pet hoarder just to try and save all those poor animals. You should have seen the macaw parrot. It looked suicidal. Very sad place.
from enurta :
the sun exists thanks to shadow, and vice versa. this is so interesting...when I read this part; "Even when people were trying to sleep and closed the curtains rudely in Sun's face, he understood. Sun really did love everyone. One day, Sun decided to call on his old friend Shadow. They had not talked in a few weeks, maybe months. And Sun missed Shadow." I automatically assumed that Shadow and Sun were the same entity. that the sun turned to shadow because "people rudely closed the curtains" in his face...nice story. but people who are HAPPY all the time are not exactly normal. they apparently do not see the suffering in the world and feel no empathy. therefore, they are psychopaths. how about Sun telling Shadow all these good things he thinks of him? I do not understand Sun at all. or maybe it's just me and my weird mind. Nice story anyway :)
from chakra-nadi :
I have had plenty of issues with people. Nothing ever happens. I don't even bother taking things to the manager anymore, I just get revenge on whoever fucked me over. It's like being in prison working at the hotel. You always have to watch your back and guard your shit. It really is like anarchy and it's draining. It's made me do things I would never normally do to people, just to survive. Which is why I am looking for another job, but this schedule is just so 1990s, I don't think I could find another like it ever again, so I deal the best I can. Sorry no raise for you. I was surprised I got one myself.
from chakra-nadi :
Everyone at my job gets away with almost anything. It's a little like anarchy there. We have an extremely passive and lazy manager. Just don't get caught stealing, don't make rascist comments to people's faces, and don't do more than 3 no call no shows in a row. Those are the only things I have heard people got fired for.
from chakra-nadi :
No. Never heard of that book. I don't have TV or read the paper but news filters in anyway. Too much internet. Money corrupts all that is good. There is something to be said for keeping money out of what you enjoy doing.
from papotheclown :
I really liked the backpack story. Thank you.
from daath :
Enterpainer is a brilliant term. Pain binds in its vicious sincerity.
from daath :
Therapists randomly rescheduling? That just strikes me as daffy.
from enurta :
I was just honest, no need to thank me <3 you know, you helped me with something back in 2005. Tom was puking up worms, and I didn't know what to do, he was sick for 6 or seven months I think. until you told me there is a injection a cat can get. I knew nothing about cats at the time, still you took the time to write me a long note to help me. I am forever grateful to you for that. you are a good person, Jack.
from chakra-nadi :
exactly. doctors are just middle men in the legal drug trade of this country. You have to stop and think why they allow certain addictive drugs to be legal and hand them out like halloween candy, and others to be schedule 1. I will try my best to get you a real email soon. I know it's been a long while. Sorry about that! Take care.
from gonzoprophet :
i support you, dude. and was really bothered by the way your therapist treated the situation...like honestly, felt outrage. your last few lines calmed it out of me but still.
from chakra-nadi :
guess he ran out of ideas and decided to cash in on his best and biggest money maker. probably needed some money for therapy. Or alimony. Kill your idols.
from daath :
I have not gotten to drinking in the morning, but it is about the only thing that makes me happy most days.
from chakra-nadi :
my job is ok as long as no one calls in sick, then she turns into a psycho hick from hell.
from chakra-nadi :
yup. been just as cold here. sweet you got internet at home! looking forward to hearing from you.
from chakra-nadi :
Got your email. I will let you know when I get the snail mail. Can't remember the last time I got something that wasn't a bill. We are going out of town, so I need to run, will write you later.
from daath :
Fight the good fight.
from exhaust :
You are all set :)
from exhaust :
I will turn your user name and password on once the note is gone. I had to turn my notes off and back on again for it to go away - Andrew doesn't respond any more.
from ogawa :
hey, of course you're welcome! :) what's your e-mail address? I'll send the password ASAP.
from chuffnutt :
I haven't gone anywhere. I'm still around.
from grimm0826 :
It was always a privilege to read entries from the one greater fan of Fight Club, and the one worse insomniac, in the whole freaking world, than I am!
from grimm0826 :
Once upon a time, I was Jack's fascinated reader. I'm back now, and still catching up on my reading. Regards from the Grimm One, and it's good to see you still kicking.
from al-bal :
You were, but I'm glad you're well. Signs of life are always reassuring.
from al-bal :
I miss corresponding with you. Anyway, I wish you well and I hope to hear from you.
from fuzzems :
welcome back jack.... only issue is, i didn't get to see the "new" jack... i guess they say life isn't fair for a reason
from fuzzems :
It's only a matter of tie before reality becomes oddly interesting enough to lie among... Welcome back. My nudge was only meant to show you that i am still breathing. Sometimes I think it's for the best though that i not update. Let the posting resume
from fuzzems :
It's only a matter of tie before reality becomes oddly interesting enough to lie among... Welcome back. My nudge was only meant to show you that i am still breathing. Sometimes I think it's for the best though that i not update. Let the posting resume
from the29th :
Glad to see you post again, sir.
from u-saved-me :
welcome back, missed you. it's nice to hear from you again.
from daath :
I started Daath to play around with words. After college it was the only constant I had. All of the people I met, places I occasionally found myself in as a function of it. There can be a strange intermingling between the two worlds. It's sad that not much happens here post-Facebook. Sadder still to think you're off some place. I enjoy your writing.
from al-bal :
Yeah, I can relate. It's the anonymity that encourages me to keep writing. I've been writing here since I was very young, and my actual identity would kill the allure, I've no doubt. I've been horrible at expressing myself for my entire life, but at least you don't hear my stutter or the occasional lisp in my writing!
from al-bal :
I'm sure we all could use a break from reality. I don't write often, myself, because it's difficult for me to pretend that I'm okay after I open myself up to everyone on here. I wish it was this easy in person. I'm not so complex. I should probably start writing more often though. It makes me feel better.
from fuzzems :
I am back. I needed reality to escape from my world. I have a lot of reading to do it seems. Anonymity tends to be the best release. Turn your head and truth from those who know you. Or feel they know you.....I missed the days of feeling more like you than the complete fakeness known as my life. Update. I am.
from al-bal :
I absolutely adore your writings. I wish you updated more often. Take care, darling.
from wistful-blue :
no - i *don't* feel better. why did the whole "episode" last summer/fall hurt so much? because i (foolishly) opened my heart and fell in love with someone who doesn't really exist... there, i said it. do *you* feel better now?
from bokonist :
i randomly came across this diary about a year ago and it fascinated me. im finally drunk enough on red wine to try and connect with you. if you would like to get in touch, email me at greengossamer@gmail.com. fuck, this is awkward.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah, I can not say I have either. I am not even sure if the charismatic Tylers of the world really are as self assured as they project to the rest of us. But some probably are. They know how to fill a need in so many of the rest of us.
from chuffnutt :
Yeah, the whole "Personal Jesus" thing makes me think, in that we're always looking outside ourselves for that someone to make us feel whole. Human kind may never find that within themselves. I haven't.
from sunstargirl :
yep. I knew it. White kids are monsters.
from sunstargirl :
bet your friend with the spoiled child is white. White people have the worst behaved children.
from sunstargirl :
isn't it interesting how free style writing almost always turns out better than anything planned?
from sunstargirl :
wow, really intense.
from chakra-nadi :
my life is totally fouled up right now. They are claiming they can't pay rent, we told them they have to. This isn't a battle we can afford to lose, and it's not a battle I am up to fighting, but I am doing my best to be an asshole to them. I made appointments with psychologist and psychiatrist, been taking pat's anti-anxiety. I don't think we're going to make it out of this with ownership of the house. Going to have to take on a second job if we don't get rent soon, until the house is sold. Pretty depressed.
from chakra-nadi :
oh, the entry before, no. And I do enjoy the things you've sent to me.
from chakra-nadi :
nope. really shitty zines that i bought trying to support people and feeling totally ripped off because they were total shit did.
from wtng4lezlie :
His name is Robert Paulson.
from chakra-nadi :
never seen the ginger ice cream. that sounds really good. I really like the HD 5 ingredient coffee and their amazon chocolate. A little too much. I don't know if I could go totally vegan, since I like ice cream so much! I have to really make sure I don't eat it often, because it's addictive. They make all sorts of vegan ice cream flavors, but they don't sell them in this town, which sucks.
from sunstargirl :
that is really fascinating. Why death?
from enurta :
I'm glad you're still here :)
from i-am-jack :
Chuffnut, I'm not sure if you are going to read this, but since you deleted your profile, there is no way for me to reply to your notes. It makes me feel bad, that you are letting me know you're still here, and there isn't a way for me to let you know, that I know. I can hardly express how much it means to me, that you not only have been reading me this long, but that you even know me well enough to send me notes like this. You were there for a lot of my entries about defriending induced insecurities. That was one of the reasons I had to take a break for a long time here. I still remember what you told me in your guest book, about the people that matter being the ones that stay around. It took me a long time, but I am finally starting to really see that, as well as take comfort in it. Thank you.
from chuffnutt :
I still read your diary. I've just made mine more private, so I got ride of my profile. Your name and the others had to go, but as long as I can access my notes and find you there, you're never gone or forgotten, wherever you are.
from sunstargirl :
sounds like the voice is telling you it's time to do something extraordinary - maybe take a trip somewhere?
from sunstargirl :
Ah, yous not so old. I'm class of '01. I totally remember paying AOL by the hour. My dad was still doing that up until something like 2005 for our computers at home. I remember we used to get these CDs in the mail: "Try AOL! 250 hours FREE!" Amazing how much has changed in such a short time. Soon we won't even need computers. We'll have optical implants embedded in our frontal cortex - just have to blink twice to log on.
from sunstargirl :
you know, I've never been to the D-land chat... for years I didn't know it existed at all, then when I finally found out about it I couldn't get it to work either. I guess I don't have the proper plug-ins. Internet was new when you were in high school? You must be ancient! Do you remember horse-drawn buggies too? How old are you? Have you seen American History X? It's another Norton film. It's really intense, but good. Kidding about the buggies. :)
from sunstargirl :
Do you have another diary on here called iamjackslie or is that someone else? I am absolutely terrible about keeping up with popular culture. I never know what movies are out. I blame my lack of cable. Anyway, I hadn't even heard of Death to Smoochie until it was out on video. My friend rented it and I had absolutely no idea what it was about, but it was so hilarious I made her watch it with me twice in a row. Yeah, Norton as the funny guy and Robin Williams as the bad guy? what?!? Who casted that film, honestly? And yet they were both brilliant! Shows how talented they both are as actors. One year, in college, I broke one foot, then the other not a month after getting my first cast off. I was pretty much incapacitated that whole school year. It really put a halt to my social life. So, what did I do? I became absolutely addicted to online social forums. I met tons of great people, all from the comfort of my wee little dorm room with my broken feet propped up on couch cushions. I even rediscovered my online diary here that I had initially started on a whim, then abandoned for a few years. When my feet finally healed, I found it hard to break my new online, hermit-like habits. I even met a few people in "real life." Eventually, the people I most liked stopped posting on my favorite forums so I gave them up as well, but I have never given up this diary. I ended up falling in love with my boyfriend on here, meeting him in person, and moving to his state to be with him. We've been living together for almost 4 years now. I love this place. Teh internetz pwns!!
from sunstargirl :
haha, success! I gathered she couldn't always be wrong, but it amused me nonetheless, and I was going for a laugh. I like your writing style... and Death to Smoochie is AWESOME. I also think internet friends can be just as real as people in daily life. I have many internet friends I care for very deeply. They are real to me. What is real anyway, but firing synapses in the brain? Besides, reality is overrated... not to mention it makes for absolutely horrible television.
from sr2005kse :
powerful entry. i dig.
from hijayxx :
Hey, thanks for the entry. Why dont you apply for other jobs then? Something will pan out. And if it doesnt, go to night school or so, so you become more qualified and can change to another job? Never give up, man. Change is the only constant thing in life. Good luck on your way man.. you can do it.
from lawliiet :
Your latest entry, I can relate to so much. Good to remember Im not alone but bad to know someone else has to deal with it as well.
from hijayxx :
Greetings : - )
from hijayxx :
Looks as if you need a change? The nicest idea about Fight Club was getting to point zero in my opinion (blowing up the apartment) and starting over all new doing all one ever wanted (to be). I liked that. And yeah, you appear depressive.
from fuck--that :
You would be surprised at just how much of your writing is relatable. I'm glad I could make a small difference.
from chuffnutt :
I took you off my list mostly because I cleared my entire profile. I can come to my notes, see the one you left and access you through that. I still read you though. Happy New Year!
from fuck--that :
I used to read your diary when I was much younger, and during the transition from diary to diary, I somehow lost track of you all together. I found you today, and I've spent the better part of my Christmas Eve alone catching up. I still adore you, sir. Your writing captures me entirely. You are a true gift to lonely people perusing the internet, and I'm grateful for everything you've shared. Merry Christmas, my good man, may it improve by leaps and bounds.
from the29th :
i knew you couldn't be him. but it was just so disorienting to read and feel like i was seeing the other side of my story. as soon as i'd shake the feeling off and read futher some new similarity would strike and though i knew and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it wasn't the case - i couldn't help the part of my mind going "but what if?" and it scared me. would have been like losing another something.
from brightxxeyez :
Just got done peeking at your entrees, dark and creative . I like it . ~ Catch ya latter
from the29th :
trying to catch up with all i've missed. then it was like i hit the twilight zone. it fucked with my head. rattled me. cracked funhouse mirror. i'm shook and {further} off balance. is there something i don't know? something i missed? suddenly feeling suspicious though i know i have no reason to. you aren't who i think you are. ... are you? but no, of course not. but still. disconcerting.
from fuzzems :
i dont mind crawling thru that mess...or the morbid humor
from fuzzems :
i dont mind crawling thru that mess...or the morbid humor
from fuzzems :
can i have that gun once youre done? i have my own bullet and pain killers
from mylostangel :
how come?
from mylostangel :
wow...i'm suprized you're still here...how's life been?
from pondlife :
Just looking about. Wondered what you were on about, then noticed the title of the entry. This human condition nonsense, it's a lot of bother as far as I'm concerned. Sounds like you would agree. I'm no one by the way. Cheers.
from neeeeek :
Hey Jack man, sounds like a quarter life crisis. Why don't you jsut live the fucking moement and forget about the past and future for a while? It's really relieving and you can make the best out of all. Works for me at least, some kinda Zen. Keep rollin' brotha..
from enurta :
thanks jack. i know :)
from thelongreign :
i'm thinking about you. and I'm here. just reminding you.
from brightxxeyez :
I see that you've written again ......like many others , I too understand . Anyways just wanted to check in to see what your up . I really do hope you feel better and that bright blessings surround your realm .
from thelongreign :
I know this feeling so well...I hate that you are going through this, babe. I am thinking of you and I am sending all the positive energy I have your way. I wish I could help, I wish I had the magic words, but all I can say is that I care. That I'm here. Do not hesitate to use me as a sounding board.
from thelongreign :
Hey You, I just wanted to say it's good to see you writing again. I miss you when you're quiet. Thank you for your note, thank you for reminding me I'm not alone when I need it the most...I'm here to do the same for you.
from fuzzems :
santa is for kids...christmas is for the religious...hallmark is for the old ladies who fall for it.... so glad its all over...glad to have someone on my side too
from fuzzems :
wbck. i could not, for the life of me, bring myself to put up a tree, in which everyday, nausea would make my body succomb to the lights and merriness of it all. my own mother, forgive her naiveness, gave me hell for not putting it up, i wasnt in the right spirit both her and my husband said...although he didnt put it up either. christmas is not the holiday for those who believe in a world outside of hallmark.
from rejazz :
jack's notes. its been awhile. i hope i'm still your favorite or at least in your top 10.
from ceciliaruns :
thanks jack - it is always nice to have a kindred spirit - i'll paint if you write -
from ceciliaruns :
jack my darling - one more thing upon reading. i have been on a very long journey for someone who is not long in the tooth. so i can spread before you something very similar to your own roadmap and point directly at your x. you are stuck and have been stuck for a long time just before the moment of metamorphosis. do not make the mistake of pitying yourself in this position of great pain. anyone who has not reached this point - has not lived and will not grow. i believe there is a reason we break in half. you are a catterpiller looking forlornly through bars afraid to spin his coccoon and really bleed. obsessed with suffering and fear. feeding the pain body (tyler) that is feeding you. allowing him enough power to blow the world about you into bits. do not make the mistake of believing tyler is a phantom. he is very real and he is eating you alive. there are keys and signs on your path that will point you to a way out of him - but you are afraid of life without him. afraid without him you will have no face and no soul. giving the world at large power because you believe so little in your own. when you find the courage to be without him - you will fly higher than you ever imagined was possible. i promise you that. one very important thing - a dear friend of mine was eaten to death by his very own version of tyler this last winter. it shattered many people. many more people than i think he could have even imagined. i wish he had not.
from ceciliaruns :
jack!! long time no ... cyber - see. ah, you know, self pity and shit. flip from loathing my rather cushy job straight over to news on the situation in africa where thirteen year olds rake in $2.50 for a good night of HIV rampant sex with strangers and I'm feeling a little sheepish. but what can i say - working in advertising is not as soul-fulfilling as it's cracked up to be - and sometimes, while I am pulling ten hour days of NOT PAINTING it strikes me - what have you been up to my friend?
from fuzzems :
And to that...I relate...
from thelongreign :
"Condolences on the loss of the control over your own mind. Your mutiny against yourself was a tragic loss to us all." This is a struggle I have gone through time and time again (and am currently...winning or losing, depending on which you consider NOT taking my meds) I just wanted you to know that I understand. That I care. That I'm here. That I think about you and worry about youa nd wonder about you. And oh, by the way...I'm here. :0)
from fuzzems :
Surprisingly, I feel that you relate...and the hatred that I feel for myself, I know is known by others for their own souls. My lack of writing on here does not include the self loathing written on post its...oh how i hate post its...
from fuzzems :
ive been standing in this hellhole of a life for way too long. ive been crashing a slow crash ever since i learned about who i really was: no one. and ever so slowly, im killing myself silently...depression is my best friend right now...
from the29th :
thanks... it is nice to know someone is reading them.
from fuzzems :
my disappearance, well i just dont make time for this place anymore...and i should. my writings are all boxed up in something else right now. yes when you dont have money, youre no one and you know what, im in the same boat...you know how to find me, you have my email...im more than willing to be an internet shoulder...hmmm
from enurta :
Sarah jumped out of the balcony 7 or 8 months ago and disappeared. I haven't seen her since, but I'm still looking for her. The dark tabby cat is Tom's son Mickey :)
from chuffnutt :
Longtime absence, almost disappeared. I may be back for awhile, depending on my computer, but I'm still reading you.
from fuzzems :
and our simutaneous disappearances only mean a few things...either a we are busy or b we cannot stand the sunlight...either way, were both gone
from thelongreign :
thank you for understanding where I am coming from even when I don't. i value you more than i can say
from enurta :
I don't remember your e-mail adress...can you e-mail me instead? deadpassive@hotmail.com I'll reply with login and password. <3
from the29th :
yeah, signmyguestbook has apparently gone tits up. again. dammit.
from loathe :
The biggest question is whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.
from fuzzems :
And again, until theres nothing left to be processed.
from fuzzems :
That metal chute...thats what hurts the worst...
from thelongreign :
you always seem to say what I want to so much better than I can.
from the29th :
excellent
from fuzzems :
Finally...and this entry, well lets just say it has been related to several other writings written but not typed from my fingers yet. You said it before I could. Welcome back jack.
from thelongreign :
My dear...thank you for your note. You always make me feel less alone...so, thanks for that too.
from the29th :
of course you can have the pw. send me an email? i don't want to leave it in a note. email the29th at gmail dot com and i'll send it to you.
from fuzzems :
Thats pretty sad...whats even worse is that i got rid of my cookies on my computer therefore getting rid of this remember me on this computer for Diaryland, and I wasnt able to get in either...welcome to my club. Things are getting weird here but they arent as fucked up as they use to be. Oh, and I am officialy infatuated with Chuck Palahniuk...so badly that i spent like 60 bucks on his books the other day and ordered Invisible Monsters because I fought with someone before they took off with it...sigh
from fuzzems :
Hope all is well and your new years go well! xoxo fuzzems
from fuzzems :
I understand. This time of the year is one of the most depressing, even when you have people around you that claim they care/love you. And once December is over, February comes along. Then the cycle starts over again. Hell itself is knocking upon my door...xoxo
from fuzzems :
11-25-2006: Life is headed downhill once again for this dear fuzzems
from fuzzems :
I hear that one, I hear it loud and clear. Believe me...im really not any better, but I am here.
from fuzzems :
I watched Fight Club last night and I was wondering if you were doing okay...hope all is well! Becca
from fuzzems :
Thought I would leave a comment and say Smile!
from rejazz :
ive got the intrenut now. i wrote you but i can't find the envelopes and stamps i brought with me to send them. i will keep searching though. ilya.
from fuzzems :
My favorite month is Halloween...I guess its because of my upbringing...I seem more happy...and then **sigh** here comes Christmas...just wake me when its over with.
from fuzzems :
Uhm...It is officially past my favorite month of the year. And depression finally sets in in my life. hmmm sigh...
from rejazz :
never eva! i'll write soon.
from fuzzems :
There is always someone here to try to make you : ). I cannot find your email address. If you do not mind, I would love to email you again...velvetorange@hotmail.com Or you can email me first. Jack, you are someone, to atleast one person.
from daath :
You don't seem the warm and complacent type, really. The writing part is a pain in the ass, but it occassionally crosses into the worthwhile region of life.
from fuzzems :
I feel incredibly honored that I am one of the reasons that you have not given this up yet. Jack, it is refreshing to know that someone knows how to speak the words that I feel in my head. And you do not manage to write uninspired crap...it is very inspired crap, haha. That was a joke. Jack, I have faith that you can pull out of this. You will be able to bring (what you call) inspired crap back to life. And yes...I look forward to that red link stating that you have updated, its why I am still here, besides Gazrip.
from fuzzems :
You might have seemingly disappeared in your lack of writing however you are still a main point in why I am still part of diaryland.com. If it was not for you, I would be gone truthfully. Well, I would have until I started reading someone else's rants, similar to mine but not as self loathing. In all reality, Jack, I look forward to the time that I can click on the "Your Buddies" link and see your name in red, telling me that you have updated. I feel like a giddy school girl, which is pathetic on my part, but alas it does and alas I am pathetic. But I am glad that it seems nice. I am glad to make you feel nice. Just remember that.
from daath :
The scenery gets old even on a nice jogging route. If it's any consolation--which if you're like me is doubtful--the writing remains tight and spot on. I wish I had more time to devote to it besides the doodling in my neck of the woods.
from daath :
How's tricks, Jack? I'm still turning the usual ones over here.
from fuzzems :
Depression tackles the best of us all, I fear. I got married on the 23rd of September however I cannot seem to bring a true smile to my face. Yes, newlyweds are supposed to be happy but it’s just that I cannot seem to get certain things out of my head and it really eats away at my soul. If I could sleep all day and not worry about work, I would be there. I have to be here at work, I have to pay bills. In a sense, I am trapped in a social gathering with problems and results against my will. There is no need to apologize to me Jack. I am the one just popping up in your world, against your will. I feel your pain. I too feel as though I am slipping further and further into a deep depression, never being able to breathe without the cloak of despair again. I am sorry for the bothering and the picking. Forgiveness is asked.
from fuzzems :
I miss you. Still do.
from fuzzems :
Hope all is well.
from rejazz :
the password is the same as my old diary. i hope you remember it cause i don't want to leave it on here!
from rejazz :
we don't know where we are going yet. we are just dropping off our stuff in a storage and staying in a motel or a hostel until we find a place but i will write to you and we will have the internet up when we get our apartment so don't worry. either way you will get it but you must be patient. like a bear. don't send anything here cause i am leaving in about a week and i won't ever get it. i'll keep you updated, ok?
from fuzzems :
And I am intrigued...I want to know more about the real you...and I am scarred.
from brightxxeyez :
creatiVe : )
from brightxxeyez :
I see you've been buisy writting , your very creatice and expressive , I just can't believe you haven't published some of your writtings , they are very good . & Thanks for being a friend : ) "A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart."~ Kathleen Grove ~ Olive Oyl
from fuzzems :
And dont be so hard on yourself, you are someone...to atleast one person. and thats what counts
from fuzzems :
Well you are the only other person that I know that likes that movie. And I hadnt heard from him in awhile so...I missed his words. You will always be missed if you disappear...im here
from fuzzems :
I was watching Death to Smoochy yesterday and I realized, I miss you.
from rejazz :
i just got it yesterday and i read it this morning. i'll send the one i wrote awhile ago and a new one soon.
from myself--asis :
You don't know how to explain...and want to know something beautiful? You don't have to. That's what is great about friendship...whether it be friendships we seek out or those that thrust themselves on us **ahem-- raises hand sheepishly**...
from enurta :
i know what you mean...
from fuzzems :
I read a quote on a banner here, pathetic I know, but it read: "Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while are here, we might as well dance." Life is dance as so the ryhme goes. And I am getting seriously getting dizzy from all of this dancing. When does the party get better? Oh and...I am starting to write once again...maybe its the best way to let me out.
from myself--asis :
I was thinking almost this same exact thought today driving home from work. It was more centered around "How is it that I can be so in the middle of everything one day and then feel like I don't even know my closest friends the next? Oh yeah...cause I'm crazy" really, I just tend to isolate myself in my funks...and that distances myself from everyone.
from the29th :
this entry... i know what you mean - very much so.
from rejazz :
how are you?
from fuzzems :
Ever since we are able to actually understand and comprehense what is on television, we are shown that the grass is always greener on the other side. While the grass may be greener, it is not necessarily better as that shade of green might be the shade that brings you to a immortal slumber. I have not been feeling well, stress and fatigue is setting in quickly. There is a certain hatred I have for myself right now that is not explainable. And I remember the same feeling of wanting to be on the other side of the fence, feel trapped and hopeless until I could escape.
from fuzzems :
You hit a certain age that you crave for the freedom and independence however when its given to you, you desperately want guidance and everything the way it once was. I have a lot of friends who had Hitler as a father firgure, figuratively speaking. My dad was strict. Strict was good for me. I was the only one of my friends who did not get pregnant at 17. Which is a blessing now that I am getting married because that is one less thing to think about right now. Sometimes I feel though that things are rushing by too quickly and strictness is what I need once again. And I am rambling. You inspire, never forget.
from daath :
Always a pleasure to give praise where due. I hope the muse doesn't dry up any time soon. On another note, if you ever need an ear--well hell you know my spiel.
from daath :
The structure and canter are rather different as well, I'd say, but certainly what you mentioned re: metaphor also applies. I think it's the sign of a good writer that one's voice can vary and yet remain solid.
from fuzzems :
Settled? I have never known Settled. My parents are divorced and I am a military brat. Life is just really hectic right now and I am literally driving myself to exhaustion and sickness. But alas I am still working. I am glad that you feel the same way about being wanted, as sub-consciously everyone wants to be wanted. Ah...I am starting to give into my tired ways...And I cant...Smile...till then
from fuzzems :
Settled? What is settled? You can only be settled right before you have to move again. But I am comfortable in my new house. Its tiny and down home feeling...where you can put your feet on the coffee table and not get into trouble. I am sorry that I didnt remember telling you but alas most of the confusion is well...disappearing. And you have to admit, being wanted isnt such a bad thing. I am glad I made you smile...till then ;)
from brightxxeyez :
I read some of your newest enteries and I hope your feeling better . You may find out that more people then you know have alot in common with you . I think your writtings and your honesty can help open more people up . I learned this with something I went through for a few years , I just havent wrote about it and I probably wont publically because it was so personal and scary . Keep writting and dont loose enterest , you have a gift of expression with writting and writting it self , thats very good . ~ Olive Oyl
from daath :
The more I read about you, the different sections of you, the more I am intrigued. Not in a fascinated freak show sense. It's just peculiar how alike and completely different you and I are in some ways.
from fuzzems :
P.S. Its true, I want you....lmao ; )
from enurta :
yes, tom is the father :)
from fuzzems :
Moving has been so exhausting, learning new routines and dealing with the change. I am surprised you know that I moved as I have not remembered telling you but then again, I have been up all morning since 5:00am and its 2:00pm and my brain is fried. I cannot think straight. Jack when I said I want you, it feels as though its not romantic or anything...just that I wish I could heal you and heal myself at the same time. And it seems as though maybe I made you laugh? Which is always a good thing. Oh Jack I do miss you...
from mylostangel :
i love the way you write, i keep coming back just to see what you have to say
from fuzzems :
fyi...i want you, lmao
from fuzzems :
Jack...waiting? Patiently or impatiently? Where are you?
from fuzzems :
Jack, I didnt mean for my last comment so make you feel bad, believe me, I had no intention. What I was trying to say was if you were going to disappear, keep in touch with me anyway. Jack, this latest one, I feel as though I am in the negative, seriously. There are so many things happening right now in my life, I just want to crawl into a ball and sleep forever...just diappear. I will write you back, only when I get a chance as I am moving into a new house that we got this weekend. You are not the only one that feels as though their batteries are running low or in the negative. I am right next to you and with you...I feel you and your total words...and then it all goes black...
from camera-girl :
Yeah, they're big. Killer-teeth. hehehe
from camera-girl :
yeah, i read that you hadn't renewed your gold memership AFTER i wrote that note. doh. Yay - you got cats too. new catpics posted yesterday, and i'm posting at least a new one today.
from mylostangel :
i know what you mean about it being hard to write here now. lol, fuck...look at my journal. i havent updated in "over 3 months"
from camera-girl :
hi! thx for adding me as one of your your favourits :-) YAY! Oh and btw, the pics on your diary isn't working.
from fuzzems :
i miss your words jack...atleast email me
from enurta :
maybe this is a stupid question...but are you leaving diaryland? i hope you won't because I really like reading what you write, you are my favourite diary here. I can relate to everything you write, and that makes me feel less lonely. maybe it is a selfish reason for wanting you to stay, but at least I am honest. I like you <3 don't leave. please.
from the29th :
I know exactly what you mean and I've been exactly where you are. There was a point where I was checking to see who deleted me and so on and so on. And I was pretty popular at one point. Amazingly popular when you consider that I'm not one of the funny people or a member of the cool-kids club. And I've left and returned, I've tested other names and places... and even though I'm not the most frequent poster by a long shot, I guess this place is home 'cause it seems to be the place I always come back to. And the people on my list now are people I always read when they post and who's lives I follow and care about. And if they don't link to me... oh well. I don't check that anymore and I *can't* care about it. There are too many other things I let drive me crazy to let this - that was only ever really supposed to be about getting me to write more often - be another one. So do what you need to do and come back if you can. I plan to be around and even if I'm not writing, I log in every day and check/read my buddy list.)
from brightxxeyez :
I haven't been here for 3 months until tonight . I checked on your diary , I hope you continue writting here . I also went through some of your other entries and not once was I bored with them . I wouldn't be surprised if you've written books that have been published . If you have I would like to know which ones so I could buy one . Your very good at writting and keeping the reader very enterested . If you haven't written any published books , maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to give it a try .... just a thought .
from rejazz :
oh ok. i was freaking out inside for a little while. as long as you keep writing and don't give up completely or else....... or else something.
from fuzzems :
I also left this at your guestbook, along with my email: This is the one time that I am including my email Jack. I have been told that in recent times, I am writing less and less in this thing called Diaryland. I feel as though that since my relationship has calmed down, since my life has calmed down, since my anxiety had calmed down, I have nothing to say. I have found myself in a dilema, close down something that I hold memories in, or keep it going with fragments of sentences that do not mean a damn thing to anyone. I have yet to buy a Gold Membership. Why? Because I feel as though that when I do, I will become dependent on diaryland and fall right back into the HELL that I was living. Times havebeen rough and so has my heart. Jack, do not do anything untilyou truly find yourself. I have a quote I want to give you, I dont know if you have ever heard this but: To truly find yourself, You must play hide and seek alone. I hope that helps. And please, contact me. Write me. For I have fallen away from you Jack, once someone who had things to say back at my non-sense called writing. Email me...I do miss you.
from wistful-blue :
I'm honored, thank you! :)
from rejazz :
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
from wistful-blue :
Nah, that's okay. I don't want you to go out of your way, besides I'm betting the program's not Mac compatible, but thank you for offering! :-) -cat
from wistful-blue :
Damn that is cool! Hmmm...I *am* on a book-buying-freeze at the moment, which means I'll have a build up of extra cash just lying around...you don't happen to know the name of the program he bought, do you? HEE! :)
from omgthatwhore :
love, guess who! that shouldn't be too hard considering the username. oh, how i've missed thee! it was inevitable that i return to diaryland. =)
from fuzzems :
as always...no one can say anything to get me out of a slump. my bipolar started kicking in...and i didnt like it. its still here...but just seeing two people who care enough to let me know...its brought a small smile to my face. thank you jack...for I, too, feel that the only person that i can truly talk to, is my paper journal..cause only my eyes and soul see that one.
from enurta :
I felt a little bit better after reading the note you left me. I'm sorry that your past was horrible as well, but I must admit that I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone <3
from wistful-blue :
Thank you Jack! I agree, the people who express their creativity in all possible ways are the ones I can't stop looking at. HEE! I kind of have to "reel" myself in with the staring, I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or give the impression that they're being stalked.
from myself--asis :
thank you -- that is all
from rejazz :
it is really thin and long. ha! do you realize what you are saying?!
from brightxxeyez :
I'm sorry about that , I'm sure they have a hard time forgetting about you too . You seem like the kind of guy that gives his heart away when it comes to relationships . When your ready to look , let them charm the pants off of you , you deserve it ...... your a sweet heart . Anyways take care
from dream-cafe :
You know, I've *never* been to a Shake 'n' Bake restaurant. I don't even think there's one within 100 mile radius of Transylvania or Sylvania because I haven't seen *one* in my entire life. I'll have to look it up here and see what the locations in CA are.
from brightxxeyez :
I understand how hard it is to get over a person that you've had deep feelings for , so I understnd what you mean . I hope it all works out some how , best wishes .
from wistful-blue :
"I really do like your pictures, the little still life shots of your life." *Happy dance* :-) Thank you Jack. -cat
from brightxxeyez :
That was enteresting , did you write that because you like that person or was that you were basically sweetly saying ....fuck off . Huuuh , I like your style , pretty cool .
from myself--asis :
just a reminder that i love your words and am always glad to see you update.
from wistful-blue :
Thank you for your last note Jack; it means a lot to me! I'm unhappy with blogspot though, so I've decided to move my photo journal to d-land at the earliest opportunity - probably within the next few days. The handle is "dream-cafe". -cat
from the-mistake :
i wonder what you're doing right now. you are probably asleep with your cute and cuddley kittens. just the two of them. the other ones are stupid and should be fixed. are they even fixed? phew. its freezing in my house. i miss you. i should go to sleep too. i'll see you in the morning ok? just walk on in, i'll leave the door unlocked for you. wake me up if i'm not up already but don't scream or anything cause i will get pissed off and the whole day will be ruined. serenade me in my dreams.
from the29th :
dear god... have you seen this: http://www.twitchfilm.net/archives/004962.html
from brightxxeyez :
Wow , you writtings are very deep you can really feel what you write . I'm very impressed keep up the great work .
from shart :
LMAO go watch my videos!
from the-mistake :
tell me about it.
from head-unbowed :
jack -first...my offer of that ear ALWAYS stands...Secondly, i just now read your christmas entry. how i missed that one the first time is beyond me...but there times when you break my heart a little. the power of a good writer, i suppose.
from the29th :
actually, i just remembered the user and pw from the last time you locked up. i'll be adding you back on today, hopefully, since my plan is to work on getting all the pages updated and smoothing out all the kinks.
from the29th :
I left you off because you WERE locked. (I see that you aren't now, so I'll add you as soon as I get a chance.) I started to just leave everyone from my buddy list on my list but so many were locked or dead or abandoned I felt it wasn't fair to people who might try the links. But the layout still needs much tweaking. (I only even have up the main page now, not the archive or guestbook templates.)
from the-mistake :
I'M BACK! i have internet access now. did you reply to my tape letter?
from enurta :
The fucking story of my life.
from enurta :
"I have already decided that there is nothing that you can do to me, that I have not already done to myself." The story of my life.
from fuzzems :
Hey. I cant get to your guestbook. I want you to feel important or needed. You are needed. Was that entry about what myself and others have wrote? Jack...email me sometime, velvetorange@hotmail.com We can actually chat about the little wadded up mind that we both have in common. Dont fall away...i like it here. ITs comfy and familiar. Fuzzems out, you know where to reach me.
from kittysays :
hey there, would like the password if possible...kittysays@hotmail.com
from head-unbowed :
Jack, even if this was just to say you have nothing to say...I was glad to see you lit up on my buddy list. And thank you for taking the time to leave me a comment.
from wistful-blue :
Hey Jack. Would you mind e-mailing me your username/password again. I have it on automatic login for Safari, but since I've switched over to Firefox I need to re-enter. Thank you. -cat
from pulse-tone :
piggy gigs. (guinea pigs). They make me smile too.
from the-mistake :
ok phew.
from the-mistake :
i finally sent your letters a couple days ago. i sent it to the address that starts with A.. i couldn't find the most recent letter you sent me so i could figure out which address to send it to. i hope it wasn't the G one. i probably won't be on again for awhile so i'm just gonna have to pray i sent it to the right one and your roomate didn't get a hold of it. its some pretty intense stuff. actually, its not. its boring as fuck. sorry for the scare. i'm still here, kind of.
from enurta :
where are you?
from the29th :
well i'm glad to know you are still around. i hate the way people keep drifting away. be well, sir.
from the29th :
thanks, it's a slow process and i've only managed to change over the main page. how are you doing? i miss seeing your name in red but i'm glad to know you are still out there.
from asphixian :
hey, been meaning to ask for a password, finally getting around to it lol. Thanks
from the-mistake :
that sucks major homo penne. i'm sorry but at least you are done for the rest of the year after this week, right? i have to start working more hours soon too cause i have bills coming up and i am broke as shit. speaking of shit, i will continue this comment later.
from the-mistake :
i came on at midnight. three your time. you weren't on though sappy pants. i'm sorry. i'm going to bucca de beppo tonight. i'll take pictures!
from the-mistake :
now i ain't saying she a gold digger but she ain't messing with no broke nigga.
from the-mistake :
ooooh baby baby its a wild world. dun nu nu nu nu nu nu nu. and i'll always remember you like a child, girl.
from kay22802 :
no its not!!!!!
from kay22802 :
yea but i couldn`t find out what it was
from the-mistake :
yo swiff, where da weed at? gimme some mo'. seriously brother, where art thou? if i don't talk to you within the next two days i will leave you 2,000 notes and ALL of them will be rap lyrics. do you understand me?! i love you fool. get on.
from the-mistake :
yeeeeeeeeeeeeahhhhhh.... one year later.
from jackthripper :
I wish I could join you, for I know exactly what you mean. One can go away, but to where, when, and for how long? Once escaped, what happens then?
from fuzzems :
thanks for your concern. my hell week is over as well. i am glad that your mood is getting better, as well as mine. no one should work over 40 hours a week...and i am only a lonely beauty advisor at the local walgreens...no where near management and yes its eroding at my brain and soul. but one day, it'll be worth it. hopefully. thanks jack.
from kay22802 :
where u at??!!!!
from emperorincxt :
without a noise, without my pride I reach out from the inside
from fuzzems :
the good word is nothing but what you deserve. i hear you about the hectic no writing policy. i am in the midst of a huge work week cause inventory and its like 60 hours. thats a ton for a almost 19 yr old. hang in there jack. things will get better...and so will your words...not saying that they arent already great...cause they are...but maybe the mood will get better.
from kay22802 :
hey u its cuttie44123@aol.com
from pulse-tone :
your writing is really beautiful. I don't think I've ever taken the time to let you know, but everything that I've read from you so far evokes many feelings.
from the-mistake :
i wrote you another (more recent) letter a couple nights ago. i still am in search of a couple more songs to add to the tape and then i promise it is off. i am going to try and finish it today if i don't fall asleep while i'm on the toilet. i got 3 hours of sleep but i must stay up to get my sleeping schedule back on track. a normal one. fucking school is back in session on monday and i am going on wednesdays. and i think i just sharted myself.
from the-mistake :
i am gonna miss you again. shit has been crazy crazy insane. i feel like dog shit.
from kay22802 :
hey now that we are friendscan i have ure password
from fuzzems :
hey hun i got it
from kay22802 :
hey i want to tell u something its not mean at all but i want to apolligies to u and sorry i was man and i was rude well i am mean to every one and they are mean back and sorry what said to molly and i was wrong so will u forgive me???? well i would like to knwo if we can get to know each other and well talk thats isf u forgive me??!!
from jessemlover :
lol...ur not that bad...ur not mean!!
from jessemlover :
o ok. well i understand that. then i will talk to you regardless of what she says
from jessemlover :
yea like i meant the prediter type...my friend says not to talk to you because you are mean. do i listen to her or what???
from jessemlover :
WHAT THE FUCK? you are only 27? gez...she made it sound like you were old! lol..are you horny? i like sarcasm thats ok
from jessemlover :
hey....asl?
from kay22802 :
learn to go to hell and leave people alone
from the-mistake :
when does your overtime end?
from fuzzems :
hey, i never got your password....email it to my hotmail if u could hun. thanks
from jessemlover :
hey jack! im molly...leave me a note please!
from kay22802 :
well u know what i don`t have listen to u rite so plz leave me alone if that is possible okay buh bye
from kay22802 :
well u know what i don`t have listen to u rite so plz leave me alone if that is possible okay buh bye
from kay22802 :
hey i`m not telling u that b\c that is my buisness sorry to be rude but it is true okay well talk lata sorry hopre u forgive me a lot
from the-mistake :
i have been getting on in the day time mostly. i've been working nights so i just pass out when i get home or i stay out till odd hours of the night/morning. i still have a couple more songs to add to your mixtape and its hard because i lost the pages of songs i put on the others and i am trying my hardest not to put a lot of songs on there that you already have heard. soon, my dear, soon. happy unbirthday. i missed it. i know you don't want to hear it. i love you again. stop worrying so much you are going to make yourself sick.
from kay22802 :
hey can i have ure password
from fuzzems :
hey jack, its been forever i know, but i would love a password...i jsut got reconnected to the interent so please...begging...let me have the password...thanks love.
from the-mistake :
sorry. my internet connection was down for about two days. its fixed though. OBVIOUSLY! lol. i did get your letter. you are indeed a dork. ;/\}-
from long-ignored :
Hey there doll, yes I do still have your email and will be sending one to you as soon as I am up and 'running' where ever it is I land. Your words made me smile. You flatter me greatly. Thank you, sir. I also want to chat again soon...but I am using someone else's computer who is so anti aol I couldn't load messenger on there and keep my life. HA. I'm not sure when I'll get my computer back...but, I'll look forward to it.
from fellbehind :
Yes, sir, got the password, thankyouverymuch.
from gyka :
hey.... i use to read your entries but haven't since you locked it!! i never got around to asking you, but perhaps when you have a chance if you could give it to me, i would love to keep reading!! take care
from deadpassive :
oops, haha lol. sorry, i just realized you meant my password. um, i haven't changed anything. diaryland is kind of weird sometimes, try again, if it's still not working I'll e-mail the username/password to you again.
from deadpassive :
I just tried the password you sent me two months ago and it's still working.
from the-mistake :
i have your's all ready to go and i just saw you on you little butthole now your not! this probably isn't safe anyway its raining like bears and sheep outside.
from the-mistake :
gimme gimme gimme dat ding
from the-mistake :
no. nope. na, na- nigga? never. <2
from shart :
sheer shart attack
from ripetomato :
Yes, well you locked your diary.
from the-mistake :
sorry boo
from the-mistake :
AKJFHAKJhdksdhkjn! it wont let me sign back on! it says it is temporarily unavailable! fuCKER
from the-mistake :
http://www.geocities.com/exactlywhoiam/fight/fightclub.html - - - i found it! the diary name soap thing is kind of deformed looking.
from the-mistake :
it all depends. it is different everyday. i'm on right now.. your not. i don't have work so i might be on for awhile today.
from chuffnutt :
Thanks. It works.
from the-mistake :
i love how you always bitch about me never being on and not talking to you as much anymore when you do the same exact thing!! WHY! i'm going to beat you
from chuffnutt :
Try the email again. I realize what I did wrong and I've fixed it a moment ago.
from emperorincxt :
hehehe, silly.
from emperorincxt :
did not receive pw on my end stop sad face stop please resend stop pretty please stop
from emperorincxt :
password por favor? emperorincxtathotmaildotcom.
from long-ignored :
no, I am not going anywhere. Well, I took a break. The "done" is more of an emotional statement than an actual. The lack of entries have been because of a mental vacation I was on. Thank you for the note...and reminding me that I AM read. lol PW please?
from the29th :
pw, please.
from soulstyce :
The password if I could? Soulstycestrfyre@aol.com
from the-mistake :
got it.
from alwaysinhim :
greenstone27@(pleaseremove)yahoo.com
from alwaysinhim :
I would like to still read it, if I may.
from the-mistake :
why didn't you get on and talk to me nutkin
from the-mistake :
i went to go read your entry and saw the password pop up and typed in my own. then i realized your's isn't locked! WHAT! you better give me the password. lol
from pulse-tone :
so, i'm asking then. user/pass. please? to: lbd@wearerecords.com
from deadpassive :
Thanks for the tip :)
from deadpassive :
I think they're called roundworms or hookworms, I'm not sure what they're called in English. They look like noodles. I've talked to several vets but they all say the same thing to me, that there's nothing they can do. XXX
from deadpassive :
Aahhh!! I was so upset that I didn't even spell my note right. Sorry ;P 'THE time OF day' XXX
from deadpassive :
Are you serious? I've been busting my ass off over here trying to get some vet to help me but nobody wants to give us a time a day. They're kind of lazy over here, I have no idea why but they just refuse to make an effort. Whenever there's a somewhat complicated problem they put the animal to sleep, especially when it's a cat. I get that damn medicine thrown in my face & their so called words of wisdom; 'if he doesn't get better, too bad!'
from the-mistake :
oh no.. i'm sorry. i hope you get on soon so you can tell me what happened.
from the-mistake :
i'm glad to hear that.
from the-mistake :
try being a little girl on a plane alone for NINE hours! like i said, you'll be fine. you do need this.
from deadpassive :
e-mail me at deadpassive@hotmail.com and I'll send it to you.
from the-mistake :
p.s. HAPPY STRINGO DE TAMPO!
from the-mistake :
AHA! i got your letter and your email and your notes and everything else even though there wasn't anything else. i enjoyed burt reynolds. GOD! thats one hot peice of man right there! lol! fight club got in a fight. it didn't process in my brain until my way home (how funny it is) and i just started laughing my ass off. he has to wear gloves cause he has bad cuts and wounds on his arm. LOL! ironic! lksjdg ER! my feet hurt. i'm all better now. just a little congested. alright, i'm going to wrap this up, B.
from the-mistake :
happy mother's day, mummy! i love you! i'll give you a foot massage and take care of the siblings while you watch oprah!
from the-mistake :
sign on and talk to me!
from the-mistake :
i was thinking about death before i went to sleep last night. every time i think about it my chest feels like its being squeezed dry like a sponge.
from the-mistake :
sick! chicken. ew.. no. i am cletus' throbbing intestine.
from the-mistake :
shut up and get online!!!
from the-mistake :
what the fuck? i just came here to leave you a note and that russian butthole left you one. i'm sorry for the inconvenience. i love you asswhipe! hope your having fun watching seinfeld with your tootlord.
from i-am-tom :
Dude... you are so Jack and I am so Tom! Like, really dude! Totaly! GOSH, YOU IDIOT! Poop is good. Read my diary so I can get more hits and brag to my friends! And jeez Rae, have to much time on your hands!!!
from the-mistake :
702
from lifeasadream :
Of course, dear. Name: bang Password: bang. No, I don't have a gun obsession or anything.
from the-mistake :
slut cake.
from the-mistake :
get on now if you want to live!
from the-mistake :
haha no i am not mad at you dooker.
from the-mistake :
cause it sure as hell cured mine.
from the-mistake :
i hope this cured your boredom.
from the-mistake :
i'm going to have to do that again sometime.
from the-mistake :
that was a blast.
from the-mistake :
.. and a good night.
from the-mistake :
... a pleasant tomorrow.
from the-mistake :
have a great day.
from the-mistake :
you know what i mean.
from the-mistake :
telepathically.
from the-mistake :
i'll talk to you some other time.
from the-mistake :
i'm going to wrap it up now.
from the-mistake :
i think i'm done.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the period that finishes your sentences.
from the-mistake :
i'll be your food stamps when your money runs out.
from the-mistake :
which i think i already accomplished that years ago.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the weirdo when people come to sign your notes.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the water in your toilet.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the toothpaste that whitens your beautiful smile.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the juice in your oranges.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the wax in your ears.
from the-mistake :
i'll be signing your notes for awhile.
from the-mistake :
i'll be your helium in your black birthday balloon.
from the-mistake :
i'll be your mary-kate if your my ashley.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the words on your billboard.
from the-mistake :
i'll be gasoline of your pump.
from the-mistake :
i'll be the crispy part on your marshmellow.
from the-mistake :
ooh wee ooh i look just like buddy holly.
from the-mistake :
LOOK! I CAPITALIZED MY SENTENCES! lol
from the-mistake :
Um. Where the hell have you been?
from loner-blues :
Now I'm curious...is the diary that won't unlock a Gold Membership by chance? Because I locked my diary to make layout changes last night and now it won't unlock. ARGH! Anyway, until Andrew decides to get off his ass and fix the problem -- USERNAME: fucked, PASSWORD: over. -cat
from the-mistake :
do you still make banners? i keep clicking ones that sound like something you'd say but it never is.
from the-mistake :
fuck easter.
from loner-blues :
You know, you might be right about the apostrophe problems. I'm having the same issues with my new profile image as well. If it doesn't seem to clear up though (the apostrophes) by the time everything else here is back to normal, I may have to look for a different template. :-( I hope not, because I really like this one. -cat
from the-mistake :
GET ON RIGHT NOW
from ceciliaruns :
i've been there jack. don't worry it won't last forever. you ought to email me - ceciliaruns@yahoo.com.
from ceciliaruns :
hello jack. i'm back now. where have YOU been?
from the-mistake :
;/\('
from the-mistake :
i'm so sorry
from the-mistake :
yeah you need to write. its really pissing me off. i am furious. beyond furious. i am wrathful. (i just looked that up in my $1 dictionary) shit.
from the-mistake :
you should really consider updating.
from emperorincxt :
only 19 days until (official) spring..
from the-mistake :
i just read ALL of my notes i have ever left you. even the ones from my old diaries. i am fucking annoying man. how do you put up with it?
from the-mistake :
frou frou
from dope-slave :
i got to sit it on one of chuck's book tours. THAT MEANS I'M KEWLER THAN YOU. unless you went to one too, and then uh, mine was better.
from loner-blues :
LMAO Now how could I possibly top a banner that announces there's a naked woman on my site? :-D -cat
from dope-slave :
i think i just threw up in my mouth
from loner-blues :
Hehehehe...shameless promotion, I know. That banner got 5% click through while it ran. :-D I'm going to run 500 of those every month until my banner ads run out...hopefully though, the next time they run, the entry I've posted will be of a bit higher quality and a few people will decide to stick around. -cat
from loner-blues :
Dang! I'm that predictable, eh? LOL
from klcroft :
I miss you so very much!
from the-mistake :
sdkjfgjskdkjfdk8ghwfk
from the-mistake :
ARE YOU ON RIGHT NOW?!
from euphoria21 :
Wow, I defenitely feel you. I hate it when that happens. She's been busy with the kids and all the house hunting stuff, but she'll be around soon, I'm good at nagging!
from euphoria21 :
Yeah, ufortunately she's been busy trying to buy a house and her and her husband have been busy busy busy. I just talked to her now and she's all like "Aw, he asked about me, he's so sweet!" So yeah, good times. She says "Hi" and sorry. She didn't realize her profile was gone, me either. I just left it on there because she's my big sis, but I'm gonna go take it off. Take care, hun...
from euphoria21 :
You have my sister on your list (Blu-tatu), haven't read up on you in a while. Good to see you around again.
from cats-corner :
In case you're interested, I'll be starting a new diary when I get back next Monday: "loner-blues." -cat
from strayrecluse :
i wonder if there is a support group for palahniuk addicts, too. the irony would be too much to bear. either way, i'm going.
from the-mistake :
HAHAHHA! that so gay! :/\)
from the-mistake :
(i've never been good at history and i don't give a crap about robert e. lee)
from the-mistake :
you bastard! your on internet explorer mode! I KNOW YOUR ON!
from chuffnutt :
Thank you, and you're welcome. I'm sipping some coffee right now.
from morceaux :
you know, sometimes, no matter how awkward it is upon your return, you come back to a place you once knew so well and you can feel it; you know this is it, this is right. this is home. thank you, love.
from the-mistake :
sketchers?
from jackthripper :
*grins* That's what it's there for...
from myexodus :
haha....you obviously didn't read my diary....just a big friggin waaa waa! I read some of your diary....mostly your notes in Danny's note section, I was then able to see that you had a tad bit of humor with your rant =]
from the-mistake :
i was infected with fight club disease the year of prince's single, "party like its 1999".
from candoor :
the funda sent me to wish you a happy new year :)
from jackthripper :
I understand your frustration...I'm feeling it right now.
from lifeasadream :
Hm. Well, I kind of ended my diary so nothing new will be in there. But if you still wanted to look at anything, the username thing is "you" and the password is "jester" I have reasons for making it locked; don't worry, you aren't one of them. Therefore - have fun reading. I doubt it'll ever be updated again.
from the-mistake :
GET ON GET ON GET ON GET ON GET ON GET ON GET ON GET ON GET ON NOW GET ON NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW GET ON GET ON GET ON NOW GET ON
from cats-corner :
I hope everything went all right tonight. Merry Christmas Jack. -cat
from the-mistake :
you've never eaten real italian food before?! what the hell is wrong with you? lol! nothing here in america is real italian food.. but there are places that come close to it but not olive garden. okay i am going to read the other 10 entries you made today. WHERE ART THOU?
from omnipre5ence :
I'm not Jack, unfortunately. But I'd like to be.
from the-mistake :
i'm not leaving it blonde. i was bleaching it first so the red would show up this time but i thought i would leave it blonde for awhile just have a little change. i can't even recogonize myself in the mirror! i got a hair cut and i dyed my hair.. its just too much for me to handle but i love it.
from the-mistake :
WHY DID YOU DRINK COFFEE! that is SO bad! lol.. my head itches so bad right now i am dying.. i dont know how much longer i can take this bleach!
from jackthripper :
I cannot imagine how the mundane details of my life have intrigued you but I am flattered by such compliments. I have to confess there was even a slight flush in my cheeks when I read this. I had no idea what affect I was having on others. You came as a rather grand surprise to me. To hear such thing from you, heightens the respect that was before. The intrigue is mutual, my friend.
from i--feel :
I'm adding you as I type this. Noni awesome is a very good friend of mine named Mark. I told him to check out yours because he shares our love of Fight Club. He never had a Diaryland account, but I told him to chack out your live journal anyway.
from i--feel :
My LJ's title is "the_glass_jc". Hope to hear from you on there.
from i--feel :
I disappeared from diaryland and got a livejournal. The LJ is more of a "my day was like this" for some of my closer friends I don't get to talk to very much. I may or may not make my trips to diaryland more frequent, and also do some old school updating from time to time. Its good to know you haven't moved off into the wild frozen tundra of Canada or anything.
from i--feel :
Hey man, what's going on? Its been a while.
from the-mistake :
is that suppose to be from a song?
from the-mistake :
i was reading my old notes and your's either start or end with "LOL". haaa classic.
from the-mistake :
perhaps. perhaps. perrrrrrhaps.
from jackthripper :
Email me if you want the password to my diary JckthRppr669@yahoo.com
from emperorincxt :
as long as it is all ok in the end, my dear. that is all that matters. that and getting to the end, of course. :)
from jackthripper :
You are correct, sir. A name is only a label. But we create the identities beneath the labels, make them something more than just a "cliche". But then, I don't need to tell you that. Perhaps I just wanted you to know that I understood.
from jackthripper :
Simply put, we have something in common. Think deeper than the obvious. No, there is something there, beyond the bullshit. Beyond the cliche. Think now.
from ceciliaruns :
i think we were all sitting in the same room in the same light with the same tv watching but not watching. and the others were eating popcorn. and i knew all along this was how it would be because i had the same lucid dream.
from exhaust :
Yes. That's exactly it.
from the-mistake :
she wanted revenge.
from the-mistake :
HAAAAAAAAAA! thank you. happy whatever to you too. go out with your roomie to the gothic club!
from lostoblivion :
I wanted the story to continue and I suppose that now, through you, it does. Your work is amazing. Self-deniability, a simplistic voucher for the resistance of impending truth. Lucky you for almost having none at all, maybe you can teach me. “We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them.” My favorite quote of the movie… *Shrug* Not really sure why… Thank you for reminding me.
from ceciliaruns :
there you are...beautiful entries.
from alwaysinhim :
It made you smile, you say? Then I have succeed at my life's goal. And hopefully you will come upon more as time goes on. I haven't finished reading your whole diary yet although I have covered quite a bit of it. I find the style inspiring (even of your most supposed 'boring' entries) and your relation of life events to be better than a lot of fiction. Perhaps I will still find some more well said words of yours to add to my collection. (and while my favorites look to have long windy comments.. they are not but the words of the authors.. none of mine would be able to do them the least bit of justice, so I let the authors speak for themselves).
from long-ignored :
thank you so much for the add!!!
from girlinshadow :
Thank you for adding me Jack...I *was* kind of worried people might see the two buddies lists and figure out who I am, but now I figure: "Screw it. If they figure out who I am then that's what happens." Still, I'm not going to go out of my way to make it easy for anyone. :-D -Shadow
from keilakeren :
Hey Jack, I signed your guestbook with the information I know. Thanks!
from ceciliaruns :
first rule of fight club. never ever censor your subconscious. not for anyone. that's when he goes away. and the magic stops.
from ceciliaruns :
i don't know if you were looking for advice or just talking. i've experienced dry spells and a lot of empty months because i'm so uninspired and so afraid to put out shit. don't be so afraid to sift through some shit, it's always there it's just deeper inside sometimes. no one says you have to publish every day. just don't stop.
from booth-bitch :
Muah is my word! But, you're welcome to use it. :-)
from ceciliaruns :
i think that way. about my painting mostly. i spill my guts and spill them again until they start to seep out of their own volition and i can't stop them gushing. but i tried being quiet once before. trust me, it's better to spill.
from the-mistake :
no! you wrote, "I want to thank everyone who has had the patience to stick with me, despite the pathetic lack of updating." so i am saying that you are welcome. stop thinking i am mad at you all the time! i never am.
from booth-bitch :
I wish I had some sage words of wisdom to share with you...But, I don't. So, all I have to say is...*Muah*. And, I'm here, as always, if you need to talk...
from the-mistake :
your welcome.
from the29th :
i wish i had some powerful single word that i could put here that could sum up several facts into the condensed might of a few letters. a single word that said i am reading and will always read as long as i'm around and you're around. a word that said i understand oh so very exactly. a word that offered support and understanding and caring and thoughtfulness. a word that agrees, inspires, strengthens, and sustains. but if there is such a word i'm not graced with it. be well, dear sir.
from morceaux :
i'm glad someone can relate to me and how i feel. it brings comfort to know i'm not always as alone as i feel. i don't plan on moving anywhere anytime soon. you know i'm here and at suicidalbambi (LJ), and i don't have any homes other than that. i wish my writing spirit would come back to me - until it does, i don't feel as though i'll be existing much anywhere [insert long, sad sigh]. i hope you come back soon. i'd like to keep up with your writing as well, so you know where to find me if you ever decide to share your other abode. i'll miss you and your emotion, dear.
from blu-ta2 :
Hmm! Can that be taught? It'd be a real nice super power of some kind, if it could be put to use in ever day life. For example: "Stupid Family Reunions" (with family memebers, you never knew you had, only to find out you don't like either)....interesting!
from klcroft :
you are never on anymore and when I sign on, you sign off. i haven't talked to you in forever.
from blu-ta2 :
Hello Lovey, It's nice to read some of your stuff again. "Your sooo twiiisteeed" Got to luv ya! Remember it's o.k to hit the snooze botton and dream from time to time....coffee anyone!
from lifeasadream :
Thanks for adding me to your list thing. I love your obsession with Fight Club. It's seriously the best thing ever. You write very beautifully as well.
from the-mistake :
they will never fall apart. i've had them since god knows when.
from klcroft :
I miss you a lot.
from the-mistake :
i brought a collage i made, my pink pants and a vogue magazine. i didn't even go to school today so now i have to go in front of the class tomorrow. god damn the luck. today sucked. sheeeet.
from the-mistake :
SEAL!! LMAO! i used to love seal and that god forsaken song. i haven't gotten your letter yet... poo. i'm scared dickard found it and threw it out or something but he would have said something to me. hes been a real dick lately.
from the-mistake :
i hope i get the letter today so i won't be in that bad of a mood tomorrow. I HAVE TO GO FUCKING SCHOOL! it came so fast but i'm glad it did just so i can get it over with. i puked the other night cause i was so stressed and kept thinking about it. EW W ww just thinking about it gives me a panic attack! lol.. i need to suck it up though cause i have no choice but to go.
from the-book-bag :
Dear Jack, I just wanted to let you know the reason I took you off my favorites list is because I'm leaving d-land and dismantled my profile. I'd rather have as few traces of my existance here as possible. I greatly enjoyed reading your diary and I do wish you the best in life. Thank you for reading. -cat
from blu-ta2 :
Hello Jacks! Man you've been busy. I've been a way on a journey so to speak...but I pop in and out, at times, to visit my fav's.
from the-mistake :
aha! everyone found out your birthday cause of my note. birthday bizoy. well, not anymore. theres so much august birthdays, its insane! anyway, give me a ringaling when you actually do send the letter so i can get the mail key from the man who smells like metal and keep a look out for it.
from booth-bitch :
Aww. You know what? One day, for your birthday, I'm goign to come surprise you...and we're going to have the *perfect* day...mmk?
from booth-bitch :
Merci beaucoup for the note and email. You. Are. So. Amazing. And, whats this about your birthday? When is/was it? *Muah* :-)
from the-mistake :
i actually wrote a decent entry from the bottom of my feet. i figured a way to get on without pops knowing but YOU AREN'T ON! damn. maybe tomorrow.
from klcroft :
your birthday? i missed your birthday?
from klcroft :
i miss you
from ripetomato :
What's your email address? I can't find it on your diary.
from booth-bitch :
::rolls eyes:: I hate to be a bother. But, if its not too much trouble, could you please email your last entry to PunkRawkCowgrl07@aol.com, because I am not blocked from your diary due to parental controls... Merci beaucoup.
from the-mistake :
i knew you would say that. i have started adding the itis to everyones name. sorry if i offended you.
from the-mistake :
give me a ring-a-ling if you want some ding-a-ling. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACKITIS!
from the-mistake :
i just wrote you an email and i capitalized the first letter of each sentence.
from fellbehind :
It's very strange to see you use contractions. Very strange indeed. But yeah, back, I guess, if you count adding two months worth of lame-ass entries in two days and dating them like nothing happened being back. Back from where you say? Sobriety.
from booth-bitch :
Yes, I loved loved loved it! Wow. All I can say is, "wow". Its definitely my favorite movie now. I have to go buy it...soon. And, yes, I definitely see your diary differently now. It makes much more sense now. Sorry about locking my diary. You actually read it? Wow, I feel so special. ::giggles:: Well, the username and password are both "jumper". *Muah* :)
from the-mistake :
i'm going to be writing more because my dad is an asshole. he thinks that AIM will cause a virus and fuck up his computer and he bitched at me for downloading it. he has so much shit on his computer and he wonders why it doesn't work. AIM doesn't do shit. him and my sister are so lovey dovey now it makes me sick.
from the-mistake :
sorry i have been running around like a maniac since i got here. i think i spent one night at home this past week. its crazy. i'm glad you enjoyed my gifts. that picture was of me. you can be so rude. haaaaaaaaaaaaa.. AND michael jackson is the best to listen to when your drunk. THE BEST!
from the-mistake :
i'm officially in vegas now.
from booth-bitch :
I'm watching Fight Club for the very first time. Proud of me?
from booth-bitch :
I know this is probably the last thing you want to her, but not ME. I promise. So, if you *ever* want to talk about *anything*, I"m here. I really am. I can't promise to necessarily help, mainly because I'm jsut as lost as you. But, I'll definitely listen. Again, my email address is PunkRawkCowgrl07@aol.com. *Muah* :)
from booth-bitch :
Wow, I'm the same way. It takes me years to trust someone, then once I finally trust them, I leech on to him/her, and he/she becmoes my life, pretty much. I can't live without him/her. Then, they end up screwing me over, and I'm back to square one. ::sigh::
from booth-bitch :
I've lost touch with myself, also. ::pathetic sigh:: I'm very sorry things aren't going to well for you at the moment, mon ami. It truly makes me :( to read how much you're hurting. If there's anything I can do, *please* email (PunkRawkCowgrl07@aol.com) me, IM (PunkRawkCowgrl07) me, note me, anything. Just let me know how I can do. I'll do *whatever* it takes. I really will. You have no idea how much it kills me to see someone else in as much pain as I'm in. Since I can't make mine go away, the least I can do is get rid of someone else's. ::another pathetic sigh:: *Muah*
from morceaux :
that's the best entry i've ever seen of yours, dear. maybe it's because it was so short, but [poetically] to the point, or perhaps it's because i can relate to it so well right now. nonetheless, it's a new memory...as soon as i figure out how to make the silly things ♥
from the29th :
i know what you mean. i'm still around in that i still log on and read my buddy list but somehow the connections feel like they are gone. i don't know that anyone believes me when i say i really do still read. i almost never comment though because it feels a bit like i don't have the right to do so anymore. like my silence should somehow be more complete. i don't know how to explain it. anyway... thank you for your note. be well.
from klcroft :
I wasn't ignoring you, I just wasn't home. I signed on and then left.
from booth-bitch :
I quoted you in my last entry. Hope you don't mind. *Muah* :)
from the-mistake :
come on..........,d,d.
from fuzzems :
hey this is the user formally known as velvetorange. i was just letting you know that my new url is fuzzems.diaryland.com okay later guy
from the-book-bag :
Thank you for the note you left Jack. It's flattering to know I would be missed. I'm still working on the "expressing myself even when I'm in pain bit." That's something that's never been easy for me and I tend to hold on to my bad habits like a tenacious little bull dog with a fresh bone. :-) -cat
from the-mistake :
that makes me very sad. i'm sorry you are so down. poor bubby. i'm going back next week. they were going to leave me behind but i don't think i can handle being here with my grandma and school and yadda yadda. but were going back to live with the dicks for awhile.. which will be HELL and has been UTTER HELL!
from the-mistake :
hey keoki where are you?
from the-mistake :
yeah i got your letter. i started to write you back but that didn't work out so well. i don't know what to say.
from klcroft :
I don't want to lose you.
from thefictions :
yeah. i don't have much left to say anymore. and what i do have left to say... just goes unsaid. i don't know how to say things anymore and i don't know who i would want to make hear them.
from the29th :
I'm sorry. I left them up for a while specifically because I always hated it when I had favorites listed that pointed to no longer existant entries, too. But I didn't delete them because of friends. I deleted them because of non-friends. Having 300+ bits of myself sitting out for anyone to access at any time started feeling like an open wound and it was just too easy for people to pour salt in. I guess I've hit a point where everything seems like a really good tool for others {and myself} to use against me. I did save a backup of the 29th back when I decided to leave but I forgot to save my entries at the fictions before I deleted them. And while there were one or two things there I liked... losing them doesn't feel like much of anything. I'm really sorry to have let you down. I wouldn't have made you angry or upset for anything - you're one of the few good ones I've found around here. All I can really say was that it was something I felt like I had to do.
from klcroft :
and i am not talking over dland notes about this
from klcroft :
Things are just starting to seem more and more like personal attacks, whether you mean for it or not. You actually personally attack ME and make me feel like crap. All I have ever done is try to make you see the better side of things...that everything isn't shit...that every fucking day of your life doesn't have to be the miserable hell that YOU make it. I want to be your friend. I really do,but you ahve to understand the way you talk to me hurts and it isn't right.
from klcroft :
Friends support each other and stand behind them even when they don't agree with everything the other thinks or does.
from the-mistake :
pal.
from blu-ta2 :
Hello again! I know, I've been lost for a while.sigh truth is, I don't know that any body wants to here about stupid shitt in my life right now! I read your last entry..."Packing is so easy, so why is it that unpacking is such a bitch? Usually my crap will sit in the same place for days, as if it was going to miraculously get fed up with me and put itself away. It gets kicked around, and hidden under clothes, till finally, I becomes suffocating, and I have to put it away. You know, I have a ritual thing I do right before I read your entries, I make myself a hot cup of coffee ( I love coffee at any time, but specially at night it makes me feel warm and fuzzy)and put on my favorite P.J's (baby blue cotton sweats and matching long sleeve shirt), get comffy in my seat, and read away, while sipping my coffee slowly and letting your words make mini movies in my head. Do you see now why I never get around to writing.Hee Hee! Good night my packrat friend!
from the-mistake :
oh piddle. i didn't see that you left me a note until after i signed your's. i thought you were mad at me. and YOUR never on, ITS NOT ME! i always come on to see if you are on, but you never are. i can stay up late and talk to you now, i just got done with all my finals so i will be on more. hopefully, i talk to you tonight. don't be on explorer hide out!
from the-mistake :
i went through the exact thing when i first came here. my things sat in boxes for weeks. partly because i'm lazy and partly because i didn't want anything from vegas to invade my "new life" here. i feel for you. i'm sending you something very soon. BE READY!
from sk8er-cowgrl :
Howdy love. Guess who's back? You can stalk me here: http://booth-bitch.diaryland.com. Be sure to leave your mark in the Bitch Box. Merci beaucoup. *Muah* :)
from the-mistake :
I MISS YOU AGAIN!
from the-mistake :
thats just the thing, i didn't have fun and i do regret it. i don't want to be good for someone else. i've been a "bad girl" and that obviously didn't work out for me. i want to change for myself, maybe i'll like me for once.
from the-book-bag :
Dear Jack, First of all, thank you so much for adding me to your buddies list. I'm flattered you like my diary enough to put me down as a favorite. Part of me is sad that here is the only place where you feel like you can express yourself...of course, another part is glad that you have this outlet. And you never have to worry about throwing out random excuses with me; I swear I weill never tell you all you need to do is cheer up. (Good Gawd! I can't stand it when I hear people say that to people with depression. I usually light into them for passing judgement on a situation which they know nothing about -- good thing I'm medicated, eh? :-D) I agree with you completely...I think we see maybe, 25% of what's happening in the world. The rest is beyond most people's conception and perceptions. You know what I always thought would be cool? If there were other dimensions hidden benath or outside of this one...I even believe it's possible. (Okay, starting to sound like one of the scary New-Age folks. I'll stop now). I just want you to know, there's a random nerd-girl in the world who is asking the Universe to send good vibes your way. Sweet dreams. -cat
from sk8er-cowgrl :
Howdy love. This is just a note to everyone on my buddy list to let you know that my diary is now unlocked. Enjoy the archives. I hope all is well. If you need me, you know how to reach me. (PunkRawkCowgrl07@aol.com) *Muah* :)
from the-mistake :
sorry i signed off last night without saying goodbye. my friend called me back and said they were coming right now so i had to hurry and get ready. i hope your not mad at me?
from the-book-bag :
No, no! Please don't feel like you put me on the spot. I completely understand about monitering your fan list. I do the same thing. Every time I sign on for the first time, I go to my own list thinking: "I hope no one took me off." (It's compulsive and just a bit scary how much I care). I understand completely. I'm so sorry you're going through a depression...that's always a club I'm sorry to know someone else is in. I won't say the clichéd things like: "I hope you feel better soon," or "Chin up," because I know it's not that easy and I know how hard it is to deal with people saying that. Most of the time it just makes someone feel worse. So I just hope you know, I'm sending hopeful thoughts your way. *HUGS* -cat
from the-book-bag :
Jack's back. :-)
from the-book-bag :
Dear Jack, the reason I took you off my buddies list is NOT because you're boring. Quite the contrary. I'm having a real problem with my depression right now...hanging on by threads...and your entries are intense and evocative (to say the least) and frankly, didn't think I could handle reading you at the moment. I also didn't realize you'd notice that I'd removed you. You'll be back on in less than a minute because I think you're a talented writer. -cat
from sk8er-cowgrl :
"I just tend to be slightly overbearing, when I try to write happy endings for everyone I know, except myself. I become some sort of Cupid, armed with a pen and an idealistic imagination." Wow, could not have said it better myself. ::sigh::
from morceaux :
dear, i wish you wouldn't say you could relate. though i'm happy someone can, that makes me sad as hell. hopefully, this won't make me a loser, but...::hug::
from the-mistake :
wait, i have aim now! but your not on... douche.
from the-mistake :
I'M SORRY! i knew that would happen! my computer fucked up (and of course your's got hooked up when this happened) and now the color is ugly and hazey. it won't let me download AIM, everything got deleted off and some things were put back on but the whore didn't put aim.. so now i don't know what i'm going to do. i'll call her tomorrow to see if i can ever get it back.. i probably can i just don't know how. lol.. my mom is coming today at 5pm.. (two hours)! FUCKCKCKCK i love you again. don't think i was ignoring you or anything.. cause i tried to get on at school even, but it kept saying an error has occurred. i was pissed cause it worked last time. you haven't sent me your letter young man. its your turn! KLASJFkdjfdkfj
from blu-ta2 :
Hi there stranger! I know what you mean by:"I want to become self absorbed". Sometime I wonder who I do it all for? Do I simply do what I think is expected of me? Usually this is where I say "leave me be" your right! being amusing....is tiring. It's so much easier to just....NOT! ce la vie, mon' ami.... bon nuit, blu-ta2
from sk8er-cowgrl :
Howdy Jack. How are ya? Thanks for my note. Wow, its only been a few days, and I'm already going through diaryland withdrawls. ::sigh:: My life has changed alot in the past week. I came out to my mum as being bi, and she's trying to come to terms with that. Although she loves me very much, she doesn't condone that lifestyle. Therefore, she doesn't want me broadcasting it to any and everyone online. She's also worried that some of my "friends" that read my diary may use it against me. Mainly, she doesn't want to see me hurt. And, she feels that me posting my innermost thoughts online can only hurt me in the long run. Even though, I don't agree with her, I've decided to respect her wishes and discontinue my diary. ::sigh:: But, don't hold your breath. I have a very strong feeling I may return sooner than expected. In the meantime, you can enjoy my archives. After I make my diary "reader friendly", I'll unlock it. I'm not too sure when that'll be, though. Maybe later today. Who knows? If you'd like to read it before then, the username and password are both "ana". Happy Reading. *Muah* :)
from sk8er-cowgrl :
Howdy Jack. How are ya? Thanks for my note. Wow, its only been a few days, and I'm already going through diaryland withdrawls. ::sigh:: My life has changed alot in the past week. I came out to my mum as being bi, and she's trying to come to terms with that. Although she loves me very much, she doesn't condone that lifestyle. Therefore, she doesn't want me broadcasting it to any and everyone online. She's also worried that some of my "friends" that read my diary may use it against me. Mainly, she doesn't want to see me hurt. And, she feels that me posting my innermost thoughts online can only hurt me in the long run. Even though, I don't agree with her, I've decided to respect her wishes and discontinue my diary. ::sigh:: But, don't hold your breath. I have a very strong feeling I may return sooner than expected. In the meantime, you can enjoy my archives. After I make my diary "reader friendly", I'll unlock it. I'm not too sure when that'll be, though. Maybe later today. Who knows? If you'd like to read it before then, the username and password are both "ana". Happy Reading. *Muah* :)
from sk8er-cowgrl :
Howdy love. Just saying farewell to everyone on my buddy list. I won't be updating. Ever. Its been fun. I will continue to read your diary, though. Keep writing. If you ever need me, don't hesitate to email me: PunkRawkCowgrl07@aol.com, okies? *Muah* :)
from soft-parades :
hi, i hope you don't mind me adding you. love your diary.
from klcroft :
I feel as if I have been replaced. I don't know if it means anything, but I miss you very much. I need you. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever even talk to you again?
from the-mistake :
no, i'm not.
from the-mistake :
when are you getting it hooked up?
from ripetomato :
Yeah that's the thing .. it's expensive and it doesn't last long enough. Right now i pay about a dollar a minute, but I'm told I can get it cheaper. Someone just told me about those super-fast tanning salons .. I'm afraid I'll burn though .. not sure how it works. Hehe .. yeah, I took a long time to get around to reading your diary. I'm not sure why, but I'm glad I did.
from the-mistake :
i used to cry and scream "I WANT TO GO HOME!" when i was little and my mom kept telling me i was home. no its not, this isn't my home. nobody ever understood what those words meant except me and home, wherever that is. we always experience the same things, somehow its the same. but we can never help eachother because we can't even help ourselves. laughter is the only thing that keeps us from pain.
from the-mistake :
i just now saw that you have megadeth on your profile. i think i saw a movie on VH1 about them a long time ago. LMAO!
from blu-ta2 :
Phobia's.....such a bitch. I say...embrace your change, for what it is... "A beginning!" Yeah!... it might feel shitty, at first; "there's always this lingering feeling like (I've been here before) I guess it all depends on what angle you view it.(I perfer hanging from my feet,)personally,life looks better. yeah...maybe not. Well... there's always my saying "Life's beatings are like another layer torn off the cacoon in the effert to reveal the marvelous evolution within....loving it? Just letting you know,it always feels worse right before it's about to get better. your friend, you know who ;P
from the-mistake :
shit on a stick. i wish you were on right NOW.
from morceaux :
♥♥♥ i love it when people like you make me smile. i really wish i could find the words to thank you for your note, but i can't. i'm honestly speechless, but in the best way possible. merci beaucoup for your thoughts, dear.
from blu-ta2 :
Now!, in response to your note, you didn't put me on the spot, I like the way you make me think, too. Sometimes I feel diaryland, is the only time, My mind is truely challenged, in a good way...Pathetic though, except for my sister(and she's in diaryland, too)no one challenges me enough. Everyone, and everything around me, seems so...mechanicle, and blah! I'm happy you liked my entry.</P> It's funny, human behavior... I didn't know you, yet.. after I had finish my entry, first thing to come to mind, is how'd you respond. ( I guess in a sence, I did have you in mind when I wrote it,or atleast how I see you, and was excited. Glad you liked!....and for the record! I had a hunch the darker entries where more you, and the (writer's mask) is that part of ourself that is self-contious, and almost wants to take it all back(I feel you). </P> Totally understand the need for verbal excorcism.</P><P> I can be a little scary, when I really let'em rip!</P> I admit, I almost felt like apologizing for my last entry "Human Worth" .....but I won't, it's me, in all my hurt and contemptness ...it's beautiful to me,... momentary bitterness with life's ironic way of helping out....I am OK though. Till next time, be well;)Jekyll or Hide P.S Who know's maybe one day I'll learn to read "Me"
from blu-ta2 :
Hi there! In response to your first notes. I apologize, I knew you where moving, I guess notion just sort of excused, itself from my head at the moment that I searched for you, and saw you had not been around in a few days...Me! sigh
from the-mistake :
i had a dream last night that you re-did my template and put pictures of your family all over it. LOL! i was pissed. i'm glad to see that it doesn't have any pictures of your family on it now. mmhmmm creepy.
from blu-ta2 :
Hi jacks! I-miss-u, you haven't written in a few days. Then again, who am i to speak. I write something every three days....anyways say hello sometime!
from the-mistake :
JACKOLAS! i'm at school right now. someone is coming over tomorrow (friday) between 4-7pm to hook me up with the internet. i'm sorry i haven't written. things have been... complicated. i will explain later. i love you again! i hope you are not mad or anything =\
from blu-ta2 :
The answer to your question is, No; not really. To say I know you that well, would be to lie. I was inspired by your writing for it's all I know.... See...I believe that all writers have 2 faces, the one they pull out of the box to entertain, obsurd expectations designed to acomodate those around us, which I so lovingly refer to as:( the writers mask).... and then there is..the one that sits beneathe, longing to express its voice,not caring how eccentric or audacious it may sound. This face is: "The possibility of greatness, beyond the mask", the WRITER." To me your writing has that characteristics; of docter jeckle and mister hide..if I may, you seem to wear a writers mask....and often hate yourself for it. To hide your art for those who know you outside the madness. The way you speak, like a seperate narrator to your own writing (brilliant!.) Yet this on going search, for life and meaning in your words fuels you to enduer another day.... and that suits me. Always a pleasure, Be Well
from klcroft :
I like the way you are sounding lately.
from morceaux :
thank you, dear. i worry sometimes that, as a writer, i don't get my point across the way it should be presented - beautifully - but notes likes yours take my worries away. you should know, though, that i'm not the only one writing beautiful things (hint, hint). keep being a favorite, and thanks again ♥
from blu-ta2 :
Go.... jack! Acomplishments, earned with great effort,make it the more satisfying....yes? Like a hot cup of your favorite latte, sipped slowly in the cold winter,as its warmth pours all over you and it's flavor so... ambrosial that for it's instant, numbs all other feeling, and leaving you,just with pleasure. Yum! P.S. I used you as my inspiration(can you belive it?) It's called day-mares...
from klcroft :
I am so proud of you. I wish I could see how it finally turned out. You will have to send me a pic or something. I miss you Mr. Pringle. You are right, there is something deeply satisfying about seeing something you have put so much effort into turn into exactly what you want it to. Ironic to me how you and I are somehow going through similar things.
from blu-ta2 :
Nive pic, I love Edward Norton! I find him to be so guy next door....too cute
from blu-ta2 :
Glad you likes! Hope 2 see s'more of your work soon! Poetry is art, and does what art can do..trap heaven and earth in a cage - Archibald Macleish be well.
from blu-ta2 :
Can't believe I am saying this but,I am drwan to your morbit writing demeanor. Sorry you feel that way about the writing. Remember that "Writing is a socially accepted form of Schizophrenia"-E.L Doctorow. Just kidding throuh...but really I must leave you with this parting good "I shall live badly if I do not write, and I shall write badly if I do not live"-Francoise Sagan Pssst...we all have our (need social acceptance)days! Be well.
from oceans-depth :
Like the new entry and when I said two people I meant it as an interesting kind of compliment. Not in a schizophrenia sorta way.*hee hee xoxo Deja
from fellbehind :
Alive? Yeah, I guess you can call it that. Don't know what my problem is, seems you and I have kind of been in the same boat lately, only I haven't had the words for it. They're here somewhere though.
from exhaust :
Don't worry... I can never leave for very long.
from i--feel :
Good to hear. I have days like that far too often.
from real2reel :
Go look at the Action Item website, its at http://members.tripod.com/actionitem0/index.htm It would make me happy if you did.
from i--feel :
I've gotta tell you man, burning alive in the pit of someone's stomach doesn't interest me too much. Be well, Friend.
from promise-made :
lol that sucks.
from promise-made :
haha. i feel special now.
from the-mistake :
fucking bitch i will beat your ass.
from promise-made :
i love you. ♥
from the29th :
the best i can say is don't do it for or quit it for other people. i'd miss you if you were gone but i'm not the one to base the decision on. of course, look at me, i'm not writing much anymore either. be well.
from the-mistake :
aw. that seriously brought tears to my eyes. these past days have been hell in my house, especially today but i keep telling myself that it'll all end, atleast for awhile anyways and i'll be out of here in a week.
from the-mistake :
i should have gotten online cause i was up all night too. we always do that. then i slept all day but now i'm tired again annnnd my stomach hurts. last night was very very sad. i didn't realize how many people would actually miss me. i doubt you'll be on tonight, so i guess i'll talk to you tomorrow or something.
from the-mistake :
double vision. bitch.
from the-mistake :
mhmm. i'm sorry. it all happened so fast. my mom finally decided to fuck vegas in the ass. jar jar
from the-mistake :
yo cuz. i'm going to new york TO LIVE real soon. my uncle bought me a plane ticket, but he is calling tomorrow so i don't know when yet. i'm just spreading the news! i tube you again.
from chuffnutt :
Thank you for the birthday message. I love it when people remember. I feel like someone is glad I was born. Adult birthdays aren't as fun like the childhood celebrations. Same with christmas.
from the-mistake :
(http://www.broken-tears.org/nicole/images/gallery/tvapp/snl/93_14.gif) "i love you again"
from klcroft :
It was amazing to me to read your last few entries. The way you described the kitty...it was like you were decribing a human. The love and concern you expressed was so powerful to me. I truly believe animals are like humans. We are, after all animals ourselves. I love my cat like he was my child. I know that when he goes, and I hope that it will not happen for a very long time, I will be devistated because I will feel like I am losing my child. That is how much I love him. Your entry also proves to me what I have known all along about you...you have a beautiful heart. I love you very much and I hope that you are alright.
from the-mistake :
splurgy wurgy. you were in my dream last night. mhmm..
from the-mistake :
i get that feeling from you too. (like the previous note said) i made a list of songs to put on your mix tape. some of them are sappy, some are happy songs that make you want to shake your ass, some are just fucking funny but most of them you probably won't like. but i'm going to put them on there anyway cause you never know. i love you again. i wish i knew what to say to make you feel better somehow, but i don't and that tears me apart. i'm here for you if you want me to be.
from klcroft :
I don't like feeling like you are upset with me, or that you feel like I make bad decisions. Why do I feel like you feel that way?
from funda :
This is a test. (beep) This is a test of the Emergency Valentine's Day System. (EVS) This test is to see if leaving notes around DLand will make this a wonderful day (and weekend) in spite of not particularly being with anyone romantically at the moment. (ummm) May the results be that all this love in my heart found some productive use. (smile) And maybe a giggle or few (Happy V-Day from my other persona too :)
from klcroft :
I need to talk. I just really need to talk.
from the-mistake :
akjdhskjHDAJH!!!! GET YOUR FUCKING ASS ONLINE! ass fucker! i love you.
from frozen-geek :
serj has a really interesting mind, and i think he actual doesnt really "write a book" he just sticks all his shit in a folder, and some peopel put in to a book... which is crazy shit, cuz that guy should write...
from frozen-geek :
serj has a really interesting mind, and i think he actual doesnt really "write a book" he just sticks all his shit in a folder, and some peopel put in to a book... which is crazy shit, cuz that guy should write...
from the-mistake :
if your on internet explorer reading this, than you best get on AOL and talk to me.
from the-mistake :
ooooooh cramps! there is a hard booger in my nose and it hurts.
from frozen-geek :
it's nice to hear someone else quote cool gardens
from the-mistake :
toot! toot!
from klcroft :
I miss you. I know it has only been a few days, but I wish you were around to talk to. I was thinking about you tonight and I hope you feel better. I hate to hear that you are sick. I wish you were closer so we could go have coffee or something. I am not really down, it is just one of those nights, you know? I Just wish I could be in company of someone who knows me. Talk to you soon pringle man.
from the-mistake :
;'''''''^(
from i--feel :
Stopped in to see how you were. Glad you could sleep.
from the-mistake :
lmao! nice dream! last night i had a dream i went to a new school but it was like a giant hotel with a lot of space. LOL and before you went in, you had to find out what race you were and go into the building of that race and i saw all these chinese kids but no other race and they were running to their building. then i was like, "WHERE IS THE RUSSIAN ONE?!" LOL! then i was running really fast in the hotel/school, trying to find my class and my teacher was really for kindergarteners and i was the only big kid. she had a million cats in her room too.. i think it was actually one of my old therapists. creepy. hurry up and get on you canadian whore!
from the-mistake :
go see big fish.
from the-mistake :
thank you. i'm so proud i am a part of your guestbook and the number 69. every time i see that picture of edward on your profile i cannot help myself from laughter. 313 nigga!
from the-mistake :
HAHAH! that picture of edward norton on your profile looks kinda.. sexual. he's seducing young men with his eyes and sexy fingers. oh la la! make sure you brush your teeth twice a day to keep the dentists away! and avoid ice cream to keep the cramps away.
from the-mistake :
hahah! sick! my dog just eats the grass and pig ears. yum.
from the-mistake :
hahah, yeah i'm fine. i don't even know if i have it. probably not. you know me.
from the-mistake :
i think i have whiplash.
from the-mistake :
va te faire foutre avez pué l'abruti mangez mon vagin foutu que VOUS BISEAUTEZ AVEZ CECI. L'OH CE QUI RÂLENT MAINTENANT!
from klcroft :
I miss you too! I finally got myself all hooked up last night, but I was too tired to get online. It's been a big ass change and I am still dealing with it all. Jim and I were out of town for most of last week visiting his family. I am actually going to be out of town a lot this week too. I am going to go and stay with his mom tonight and help her put up all her x'mas stuff. I am VERY weirded out by that. We spent a lot of the holiday at the hospital because she has to be admitted Thanksgiving morning. :( But she needs help and she asked me, so I am driving to Auburn for the night to help. I am hoping it is just one night! I am feeling kinda weird about it, but I am going to go anyway. I feel like it would be rude not to with her asking and all. I am looking for a job as well. My funds are getting seriously low and I have to get on the ball. I have two interviews today. This town is SO damn big! I have had truck problems, but hopefully that is all fixed. I hope you are well and not too stressed. How are things going with that certain person? ;) I hope your job is going well and I hope that your car troubles are getting better. I have been thinking about you and I hope I get to talk to you soon!
from the-mistake :
;'''''^('
from on-my-rag :
my god. its that time of the month again. better start putting up decorations.
from the29th :
I'm not usually one to try and sell the sunny side of the situation... but. at least you have your new job. Without that, things would be even worse. I know how miserable car and specifically transmission problems are. You're in my thoughts. Be well.
from the-mistake :
my matress sits on the floor. so HA! biotch.
from the-mistake :
yeah yeah. i'm really sad because michael jackson is missing. my heart is broken. ;'''''^( ... [those are tears]
from the-mistake :
shut up and write an entry.
from i--feel :
Well, generally I understand why they wouldn't care how they make me feel, because I'm just a piece of meat to them. A clever, sometimes witty, thought-provoking piece of meat, and if they don't get what they want out of me then they need to tell me, regardless of my feelings. I am Jack's juicy T-bone.
from tool-nin-fan :
Fight club is one of the greatest movies ever...It's one of the only movies I own. Really like the diary.
from i--feel :
I have been rejected much like you. Recently a girl who reads my diary and absolutely loves it told me I was no longer entertaining enough and didn't update enough for her liking so she wouldn't be reading my diary anymore. I know how you feel man, it pissed me off to no end. Who do these people think they are anyway?
from grimm0826 :
Good to hear about the job, my friend. Go you! Also...sorry I've been away so long.
from atavistik :
if thats the way you feel about colour, you might be right. but if you ask my opinion, there seems like theres too much to your personality for you to be the black-and-white one. the world isn't even black and white. you're colourful and the world is gray.
from the-mistake :
"mm." dido! i'm at amy's house. she just went to go get a hair cut and her sister got the shower before i did. damn her! amy beat up a black girl cause she sucked jake's peepee. isn't that great?! that made white history.
from the-mistake :
umm.
from the-mistake :
yo yo you yo. where the shit are you?
from the-mistake :
and i don't really care if you think i'm strange. i ain't gonna change.
from the-mistake :
i dont give a damn about my reputation.
from the-mistake :
did i ever tell you, your my hero? your everything i wish i could be. ((i can fly higher than an eagle. cause yo yo your the wind beneath my wings.))
from frozen-geek :
Rad quote from serj tankian... you've got great taste in bands... and yessss fight club kicks ass!!!!! "you can't make an omlet without cracking a few eggs"
from i--feel :
That sucks man, but at least I know I'm not alone.
from onewetleg :
oh, goddess. i really feel bad for all t he things ive done in the past 2 days. im sorry you got in the way. accept my apologies. curses, jj
from onewetleg :
yeah, well, fuck you, you little whore. why don't you suck my dick and eat shit till you die? love, jj:)
from the-mistake :
i had another dream with you in it. it was pretty weird.
from fellbehind :
It's great how the anti-spam security measures prohibit you from signing a guestbook multiple times, but try to sign it once and it posts your message FIVE FREAKING TIMES. A little too ironic? Yeah, I really do think.
from klcroft :
It is okay.
from the-mistake :
hahah! that is a fucked up dream. sicko.
from the-mistake :
oh man i thought that you would be on. i haven't talked to you in a few days. well, i just wanted to tell you that i was just dreaming a few minutes ago and you were in my dream. you were dating this 30 yr old mom and she was at work and you made me go with you and she wouldn't get a lamp for herself, she kept making her son go get her shit. lol. then my mom woke my ass up. the end.
from funda :
Rarely do I read a single entry and jump to wanting to write a note that says I wish you were my neighbor so we could be friends.
from desertwitch :
HI JACK!!! (heehee, always look for a chance to say that since first time I saw "Airplane") Anyway, yes, am still planning to sign up for NaNoWriMo. I have absolutely ZERO planned to write -- went in fact through some squeamies just thinking about it coming down, but am jonesing now to let it rip on the silver notebook I bought just for the occasion. Maybe I'll do both in notebook and straight into computer -- depending on which makes me flow better that day. It actually might be better NOT to have a plan for this, becuase that way I won't get choked/frozen for words or be too harsh on myself for the get-go. Let me know how it goes for you if you sign up to! Love always, Ms. Congeniality ;)
from klcroft :
I hope you are doing alright.
from chuffnutt :
I spelt Palahniuk wrong in the link. I got the 'h' and 'n' backwards.
from the-mistake :
your funny.
from grimm0826 :
Who you fight is immaterial. WHAT you fight is everything.
from witcheepoo :
Love reading Jack's thoughts!
from klcroft :
Sure do miss my Jack. ;) I hope you are doing well. Thinking about you. I just haven't been around much lately.
from the-mistake :
silly.
from flyinglover :
hi. i just joined this site today. i ead part of your diary, and it is really amazing. are you a writer? there is something both beautiful and well, professional for want of a better term about what you have written.
from flyinglover :
hi. i just joined this site today. i ead part of your diary, and it is really amazing. are you a writer? there is something both beautiful and well, professional for want of a better term about what you have written.
from klcroft :
Yeah. I was bummed about atlanta too. My DM says she is still working on it but I do not have high expectations. I don't want to go back to the bar. I have my reasons. I know he would have me back, I just don't want to be there. I sure do have to get my shit together. I am going to try and talk with this lawyar again this week. Maybe he knows something I don't. Maybe he is a fuckbean? We don't know.
from the-mistake :
i took your advice. i'll explain the next time you are on. =)
from grimm0826 :
I know the feeling, my friend...I have an idea. You knock me unconscious, and then I'll do the same for you. :-)
from klcroft :
It is okay.
from the-mistake :
i dont know. ask seymour.
from the29th :
also, if it is permanent, i'll give you a password. {{{fiddly-parentheses-hug}}}
from the29th :
thanks. the lock may be temporary.
from the-mistake :
shit. sorry about before. where are you???
from grimm0826 :
You are not your job...you are not how much money you make...you are not how much your cat pisses...you are not how well your tub drains...YOU ARE NOT YOUR FUCKING KHAKIS! (Good to see you back...again!)
from klcroft :
I miss you a lot.
from holesome :
Death to Smoochy Rocks
from the-mistake :
AWWWWWW! after i wrote that his cat, Sparky came up to me. he keeps climbing oin the chair for me to pet him. damn, hes big.
from the-mistake :
JACK! im on my uncle's computer. ahhh, its so cool here. i had to hang out with two black girls the other day. it was hell. she made me try on slutty clothes, ha! my uncle's girlfriend has a 3yr/old daughter and she is obsessed with me. the other day she said, "YOU GOT BOOBIES!" LOL!! freakin' pervert. i hope my uncle doesnt have a freak out that i was on his computer. whatever... i'm gonna go entertain the old lady. i love you again!!
from klcroft :
I passed out last night. I was beat. Sorry I didn't say anything before I left. Check out my morning coffee soaked thought and weigh in for me! Have a "ood" day! I know I have bi plans. Hahaha!
from i--feel :
Yeah. I've come to the conclusion that if I don't have anything important to say I shouldn't pretend I do, so I take a while in between entries. I like yours also. Your life seems interesting, or maybe you just put a spin on it so it seems that way.
from the-mistake :
oh yeah. P.S. your guestbook WONT LET ME SIGN!
from the-mistake :
again, you have amazed me. [[the shit out of me]] i love you more every single day. how does it feel to be so loved?
from cheshireluci :
i think this is my first time, even though your name seems familiar. you have a very interesting read.. and the dildo story cracked me up!
from i--feel :
Thanks for your support. Its good that somebody reads the thing.
from squirrelx :
Referrin' to enemas may offend some folks, but I don't think it violates the Diaryland banner code. Whatever that is. Your idea sounds wonderful to me! As ever, Xtine
from banefulvenus :
great stuff...
from the-mistake :
sorry. too much shit has been going on lately and i fucked up everything. maybe i will talk to you later on, or something.
from ljungberg8 :
INTERESTING*
from ljungberg8 :
wow, you have a very intereting life
from ljungberg8 :
is this diary real or made up? either way its great
from i--feel :
What about your neighbors? If there is an entry about that I'm afraid I missed it.
from myhorizons :
:)
from myhorizons :
I loved reading your diary!
from growpeace :
Hi Jack, thanks for writing, for more information please check www.growpeace.com play the game and enjoy the bunny attack. I have given that domain to People for Quiet we are working direct on the ground spreading lime and fighting the spread of this invasive destroyer. I am going to change my blog to all about the frogs and why it could ruin our economy and enviroment. join the a-peace-ring if you would like and Aloha for your thoughts. Joy with Grow Peace www.growpeace.diaryland.com/ www.growpeace.com
from the-mistake :
sorry i left without a goodbye.
from ljungberg8 :
heh, well, i used to be a tad obsessed with the wonders of fight club, so i weened myself off it. im still LOVING it though!
from ljungberg8 :
hey
from i--feel :
Hmm, so she's that kind of girl. Based on my mere 17 years of experience I've come to the conclusion that most people are incapable of finding people that make them truly happy. But like I said, although this Bob guy is the lowest of the low, he'll be the most sport for her. I guess in some weird twisted way he does make her happy, and all you can do is watch and wait for the next loser to come along.
from i--feel :
Weel, I'd figure a loud mouthed, womanizing, egotistical, sleazy, cheating bastard would cause a lot of contraversy, so she seems to have found someone good for her. Although it can hardly be good for her. You know what I mean. Are all of her boyfriends like that?
from squirrelx :
Thank for the notes, Jack. I truly appreciate your kind words regardin' Miz' Tate, not to mention your affirmation that the Finger Assist Method can indeed be mastered. Maybe some day I'll get the hang of it. Meanwhile, no 'wall bathtubs' for me. Love, Xtine
from i--feel :
Well, if this were a movie you two would hook up eventually despite your differences and be together forever, but like I said, I think I watch too many movies. She sounds kind of creepy as a girlfriend, no offense to her of course. Does her boyfriend know she deletes stuff and whatnot? What's with "Big Bob" anyway? The way you described him makes him seem odd. Very odd.
from nothing-good :
No we have not ever talked online, but I have another diary. This one is just so I can express myself in other ways and keep the style of the other in tact.
from sindustries :
well i was just converted into a fan of yours through 20 minutes of boredom and that pesky thing called being "nosey". found you. read some. loved it. coming back for more.
from nothing-good :
I like your diary, but then again, I always have.
from i--feel :
Interesting story. Not to sound stupid or immature, but why are you not with your room mate? It seems to me you two have this strange understanding and connection with each other. Kind of like Jack and Tyler. Maybe I just watch too many movies.
from fellbehind :
Dude, you're a total freak. Don't mean that in a bad way or anything, just making an observation. More like stating the obvious, really. Or maybe not, could just be I'm uptight and too conservative. I shoud be a Republican.
from mojo1915 :
Hey there buddy! I hope you have an awesome day! ~Jesse
from klcroft :
I think it is good that you had a good time. :)
from the29th :
Exactly and exactly and exactly. The ones who know what you are talking about are the ones you have to watch the closest. Hmmm. I guess that means me too, eh? And I, you.
from desertwitch :
-- just read your latest entry and can relate to the "white wall" of anxiety. I've been having it every late night and in the morning as I force myself to go to work. I've been pushing and pushing myself to catch up with my left-behind chapters for my assignments now overdue AND I JUST COULD NOT GET MY EYES ON EVEN THE BOOK COVERS!!! I am also getting meaner/snappier at work and fantasizing more and more about being assigned a desk in the basement where all I have to do is hear easy listen' shit all day and input data into a PC and NOT have to deal with drama addicted fucking coworkers!!!!!!!!!! Fuck. I almost feel like reupping for active duty just to shoot some adrenalin in my veins. And YES, it would worry me too if I did not even have an appetite for coffe -- hope you find yours soon, babe!
from desertwitch :
I just remembered to ask you if you've heard of National Novel Writing Month, a.k.a. NaNoWriMo, which you can cut and paste to via http://www.nanowrimo.org/index.php?s=2 They hold a writing thing which I'm considering joining this time around -- it's supposed to do what N Goldberg tries to make you do with her timed writings, which is to force you to get over self-consciousness and writing blocks.
from the29th :
It is always the way, isn't it? So then you get to the point that you are telling people right from the beginning that they can do anything at all as long as they don't become yet another person doing THAT. That being fake and pretending to care and sliding by on the bare minimum to keep you thinking differently. That leaving you as the-one-who-cares-too-much, the-one-who-doesn't-see... And "Oh, no," they say, "I'd never!" and then they do it even better than anyone before. I want to believe that this is not always the case but the only examples I can find are only of people who pretend not to notice. I'm just tired of making someone a top priority in my life and finding out that I don't even make the list in theirs.
from ghanima :
Slide, darling. Slide.
from the-mistake :
i swear, if i lived there i would be your friend and come over every single morning and make coffee and wake you up. i'd play with your cat and hump the doggies. we could sit and laugh all day and not have to worry about the rest of the world. i love you again.
from klcroft :
You know, I consider you dear to me.
from the-mistake :
;( i'm sorry, jack.
from desertwitch :
-- oh, and another thing she advices is to give yourself permission to write the absolute worst "garbage" in the world, and let her rip!
from desertwitch :
I think Buddhists are right when they say that the hardest thing for anyone of us to do is to let go of expectations in the present moment, which is what on the surface seems the easiest thing in the world! One thing that has helped me get better at not holding so tight to life's wheel, so to speak, is reminding myself in the grip of gripping too hard that that is exactly what I'm doing, and very slowly my grip seems to be loosening up. And as for writing, the writer Natalie Goldberg's advice in "Writing Down the Bones" has helped bigtime, which is to do timed writings without allowing your hand to stop for even a split second until your stopwatch/cooktimer/whatever sounds off -- it's supposed to train your "monkey mind" (Buddhist term for the editor/critic/verbally abusive parent in your head) from freezing you with its 2 cents!
from the-mistake :
yeah, ive been feeling like shit lately too. all i do is sleep and that brings me down even more. ive been barfing and my stomach hurts so fucking bad! i want to stab it!! i hope we can talk soon. ;) i miss you again!
from the29th :
Very true. But parentheses just aren't the same, are they? Or brackets. Or the fiddly parentheses that I like to use instead of regular parentheses. What are they called, I wonder? {{{{{i-am-jack}}}}} Ha. Now you've had a fiddly parentheses hug. Try washing THAT off. I think you have to use the SPECIAL soap for that. Made from Marla's mom.
from the29th :
Thanks for the note. I'd hug you for it but this box doesn't have room for it. But, no, not another silence like that. Just... silence has moved in with me here and I don't mind. Be well.
from the-mistake :
its boring w/o you. man oh man. a lot has happened! i saw jarod (george's friend) and were all going to hang out soon once george gets back from california. and george's mom is getting married to a some rich guy!!! LUCKY NIGGER! i just wanted to tell you hahah <#
from desertwitch :
Man have I been where you are right now! In high school, the teachers expected one of two extremes of any kid: (1) go straight to college and "make a name for his/herself" or (2) drop out/get married/go to prison. If you had a halfway decent GPA, loved to read, or were good at any sport, it seemed like at least one teacher/coach would be sweating you to Think Big -- a.k.a, not just follow your heart and keep doing whatever you loved to do for the sake of the joy it brought you but to "take it to the next level." I guess I lucked out that my dad never expected us vicariously live HIS dreams or even put us down about it -- though a couple of times when he lost his temper over us ditching, whathaveyou, he'd go on a rant about us keeping that up and ending up like our stepsisters (his older daughters) with a bunch of kids and getting whooped by a drunken loser. Now my mom -- BOY, love her silly, but she did obsess over us ending up like that! Then we also had a vice principal (who resigned soo after, thank God) who laughed in our librarian's face when she defended her order of 20 bilingual books to transition immigrant kids into English by saying "what for -- to be better ditch diggers?" Ok -- going on too long here, but I guess I want somehow telegraph the message to you that I spent the first few years after high school frantically trying to be all of these things -- college graduate, stellar citizen (via Army Reserves), AND upandcoming writer (writing for a newspaper, blocking my flow by wanting to write perfectly all the damend time -- whatever that means.) I think it was after my father passed from his last battle with cancer last year that all of that seemed to fade away -- it still comes back in fits -- the "what am I doing to get from A to Z" thing, but then I go "what for" and "where" and seem to be happier going at the pace I am now, however "slow" it may seem to outsiders. Take care, babe and keep being you own best advocate!
from the-mistake :
The name of Jack gives you a very individual, reserved, serious nature. You stick stubbornly to your ideas or decisions, in spite of any appeals or advice; you are not willing to accept a compromise. You prefer to be alone with your own thoughts, rather than in the company of others. This name restricts spontaneity in association and the fluency of your verbal expression. When you are required to express yourself in personal matters requiring finesse and diplomacy, you feel awkward and embarrassed. Although you realize perfectly well what is expected of you, you are unable to find the right words, and hence you end up saying something inappropriate in a candid way. You can express your deeper thoughts and feelings best through writing. Your friendships and personal associations are rather restricted, being limited to those of a similar nature who can understand and accept your rather straightforward yet reserved manner. You are steadfast and loyal, and do not allow gossip or anything belittling to be said against those whom you accept in friendship. You find satisfaction in being outdoors or in getting out into nature, or in dealing with the products of the earth. There is originality and depth of thought contained in this name, particularly along practical and mathematical lines. This name can adversely affect the health of your respiratory organs, the heart and lungs. Also, you are prone to suffer from weaknesses centering in the head.
from klcroft :
I don't feel good. :(
from the-mistake :
NEVererrrrrr FORGET.
from desertwitch :
You did the right thing, though can relate to the bad feeling you get over having to do it. I think it's part of our cultural programming, not being a "quitter" and all. But DAMN does that shithead exboss sound like a poster child for fighting labor law deregulation! Also seems like a pencil dick little corporate ghoul!
from squirrelx :
We're not alone. Based on the e-mail I've received, it seems like a lot of folks wonder about such things as The Hulk's johnson, but there are also some who angrily wrote to tell me that I was besmirchin' an icon by referrin' to his genitals. Imagine, gettin' all bent out of shape 'cause some nitwit in Diaryland expresses curiosity about a cartoon character's privates. What limited lives some folks must lead. Love, Xtine
from klcroft :
Made a new one too. Check it out if you want. I am sorry about yesterday. I went to barf and then passed out. It was certainly my 19th nervous breakdown.
from grimm0826 :
No shame in quitting that job, my friend. As a matter of fact...report the supervisor to OSHA. I'm sure they would be interested to hear about how he denied you the right to have water bottles on the floor.
from the29th :
Holy hell, it sounds like you were lucky to escape that job. Jesus. I mean, the old joke is that every job everywhere is about taking your life away but that one, that was sucking it up with Hoover power. {PS, the diary is looking nice by the way.}
from alcon835 :
Are you serious about this job thing? Because that is wrong! Holy crap! I can't believe someone would do that.
from squirrelx :
My problem is, whenever our cats are havin' Kodak moments, I never have a Kodak ready to capture 'em and by the time I find a camera, they're back to feline business as usual. As ever, Xtine
from the-mistake :
hey "that jack guy".. umm i didn't sign off because i was mad at you, i just wanted to hang out with jake and amy. hot diggity damn, boy! nice diary. nice pants.
from fellbehind :
I'll probably have that roll of 1-ply for the rest of my natural life. Or at least until I throw it away. Maybe I'll think of an alternative use for it. And yeah, this being without a computer and having to come use my mom's shit sucks major ass. Maybe I'll just steal my brother's laptop until I can afford to get it fixed. You're job doesn't sound that bad. Well, it does, but all jobs are shitty. It wouldn't be a job if it didn't blow. At least you're not in retail.
from klcroft :
Hope you are doing well. Have I done something to piss you off?
from prettyknives :
damn... and everyone i talk to has never even heard of fight club... I AM NOT ALONE! *sits in corner and laughs occaisionally*
from the-mistake :
AT ALL_______
from the-mistake :
JACK!!!! i want to talk to your ghetto ass. MY ASS IS NUMB FROM THE ICE!! living organ donation saves lives. i hate gold diggers, don't you? their so... gold. i need a fucking cigarette since your obviously not getting on at all before you go to work. penis.
from the-mistake :
its 9 o'clock. wake up, ya bastard.
from the-mistake :
well, jack- atleast you don't have to work with a broken tail bone. hahah, i fell down daniel's stairs and broke mine. well, i'm not sure if its broken, but its the worst pain i've ever felt. that jew cursed my ass.
from grimm0826 :
Industrial jobs...seems like to do them well, you have to hate them a bit...get some Bayer Back and Body Formula...you'll be glad you did. Also, VERY thick insoles are a must!
from myown-person :
Hey, how's it going? So you got a new job? That tis cool. How long do you think this one will last? Look at the bright side though.... you get payed $9 an hour and you will get used to the uncomfortableness of it soon, just hopefully you do not get used to it before you leave. I hope though, that it doesn't bumb you out too bad, and at least, too, you still have your online time :-) Lol, i think you should write a book, your writing is sooo great! It really draws me in, it feels as though im reading a book. When i grow up i want to be a writer, but i doubt i will ever be able to write as well as you do. ~andrea~
from clocks :
yeah i agree-the books' ending was better-it left room for a sequal! are any other of chucks's books as good as fight club?
from i--feel :
Thanks, good to be back.
from clocks :
hello. i like your diary. figth club book is a classic-i wish more people would read it instead of watching the movie only.
from unhaired :
death to smoochy is a good movie.
from the-mistake :
translate this, motherfucker; Sie müssen das Bumsen an erhalten, oder sonst werde ich eine Gewehr zu meinem fucking Hauptgott damnit setzen.
from myown-person :
so, is she moving in for sure yet, or do you still not know? I REALLY hope she does. Cause from what i can tell, it will be good for the both of you. Just try to keep her mind positive about the situation, and if she does end up staying, do not let her leave, specially if she is going to move with another guy like the on she was with. And if she does end up staying, at least you have "SOMEONE ELSE" to take care of "THE CAT" LOL. well, hope everything goes well. Im out now, later!
from the-mistake :
J'aime Le PÉNIS. i found panties in your car again. you know, jack. i'm starting to get real fed up with this bullshit. you two-timing, tuna eating, masturbating, junkie whore with a compulsive overeating cat!!!!!
from the-mistake :
Dear Jack; i dont know.
from the-mistake :
Dear Jack; shit. nevermind.
from squirrelx :
My pleasure, Jack. You're always so very kind to me ... I wanted to let you know that you're appreciated and in my thoughts as ever. Best, Xtine
from the-mistake :
see thats why i said we needed our own secret password so you know its me.
from the-mistake :
hello again.....
from the-mistake :
that was amy the whole time last night.
from klcroft :
Haha! You missed the dildo HOW again? Funny shit.
from the-mistake :
grrrrr
from klcroft :
Thanks for thinking of me. That means so much to me. Always remember...Jack, you "unshit" me! And I love ya for it! ;) I wasn't on last night because I went out and went to see Joe Cocker at Riverbend..woo! Got to hear him do "You Can Leave Your Hat On" *K's personal fav* and a kick ass live ersion of "She Came In Through THe Bathroom Window". It was sweet. Jim came up and met me. We walked around in the rain and listened to some music. Aside from that...there are other fun things to spill to you. I hope I get to speak to you soon! I miss you! I will be out most of the week, though because it is Riverbend and I cannot keep myself away from the music, man. Fucking love it. It feels my soul! Wanna hear something weird? I washed my sheets yesterday...I woke up this morning to a match in the middle of the bed under me. I don't use matches!!! Thought that was kinda odd in my K kinda way. Sometimes I wish I could meet you just once so I could squeeze you and tell you thank you for all you have done for me. Thanks again, for being my friend. I love you. :)
from the-mistake :
i miss you again too! i finally got on their all asleep. i'm scared her mom will come out and yell at me.. because their not like my parents and don't care if i stay up all night. hahahah.. im sorry about before. were you really mad? you and clit just dont get along =( holy mother of hell it is so hard to type on this laptop it sucks!! im so high and my pills kicked in i took like 5.. remember? im in a good moodbecause i took them. i miss youu!!!! i love you again
from the-mistake :
((SEPERATION ANXIETY)) no.. i seriously have it. even when your around now. =( im high and i want to kill everyone.
from grimm0826 :
I'm thinking about my graduation, o so many moons ago...congrats to your brother!
from klcroft :
I needed to start my day like that...reading something good. Loved that last entry. Today will be weird for me. Officially become single. Wow. I think around eleven am I am going to freak. What do you wanna bet?
from the-mistake :
rae will be out tonight. AGAIN.
from fellbehind :
Self-punishment, and not the good kind, yeah, that makes sense in a fucked up sort of way. Think there's a support group for that?
from the-mistake :
FUCK WHERE ARE YOU?!
from the-mistake :
i miss you again, too. amy and jake are watching fight club. i wanna get highER. i sneezed an gibert is laying on my foot. awww..he lovse me! hr keyboard is hard to type on.. hhaah. I OOLOVE YOU
from chelsi-alexi :
Jack... After reading all your entries.. I realy think you should write books. Your very good at getting people attention. Oh, and ah by the way xXx is a great movie!
from the-mistake :
sdkjhsfhosebfoenslkjdg. sldkjhgksldjhgskdghskl. dhgksdhgksldhgklsghkls.
from the-mistake :
dude, what the hell. you need to wake up. i miss you again!
from the-mistake :
i didn't mean i was going to DRAW YOU. i meant, i'm going to draw. PERIOD!! drawing is what i do, nigger. i love you i love you i love you again and again and again and again. lets get high and listen to n*sync and cry our hearts out when a sappy homo song comes on.. hahaha! bad gas. goodnight.
from the-mistake :
LOL! i just have to tell this to you and i will stop talking about him to you cause i know you don't like him or whatever.. but clayton gets just like me when hes high!! LOL! i always listen to weird ass music when im high and he had this trippy cd and i made him put it in and he was doing all this weird stuff and it was hilarious. he was so out of it and paranoid. nothing happened between us though, don't worry. just a friend thing for now. he hugged me and told me to call him. what should i do? i've come to seek your opinions on this subject. its all i care to hear right now. i love you again. i'm going to go draw you flaming homosexual. LOL im messing with you. you know you are beautiful and have buns of steel!!!
from the-mistake :
jack! i had the best time but now that i'm home by myself i keep thinking hes against me and so is all of his friends. i think too much. i'm too negative. FUCK. jack. i want to tell you everything. i want to tell someone. you don't understand how much that meant to me. i don't even care if clayton liked me like that or not. they were the most perfect people. perfect friends. they're what i've always wanted in friends. they are just like me and its fucking awesome.
from klcroft :
ah...jealousy. Don't worry. He has nothing on you! ;)
from klcroft :
Meow.
from the-mistake :
JACK! i talked to smelly sack AGAIN. i wrote an entry about it. oh jesus jack. why couldn't i just be born a guy?! this would all be so much easier. OH FUCK.. RAG STARTS IN LIKE- A WEEK OR SO. maybe even less.
from the-mistake :
Jack. My lovely little anus. I sound like an idiot in all your notes you really need to take them off. POO.
from the-mistake :
LMAO!!! I DIDNT MEAN TO PUT, "get the smoke in my HEAD." LOL LOL! I meant EYE!!! that was funny.
from the-mistake :
haven't left you a note in like a day and a half. we must have daily notes as soon as the tea is ready to drink! i'm getting another hooker up. lOL I DIDNT MEAN TO PUT HOOKER I WAS JUST THINKING HOOKER AND MEANT TO PUT HOOK. oh lorrrdy. this girl keeps blabbing on and the IM is blinking and pissing me off because i can't talk to her and write this note at the same time or else i forget what the hell i'm talking about. yeah. i smoked more. can you tell? i think so. *indians* i am there >>(((spiritually)))<< with you, painting the walls and smoking my cigarette and getting the smoke in my head, beating the paint brush on the wall and your roomate sits and watches us and i tell her to get her lazy ass up and help us, "FUCKING ASSHOLE, GET YOUR ASS UP. LAZY BACON FUCKER." LOL! but i'll just be playing around cause i'm vulgur. *!WOWZA!* thats a funny word. i think of magicians. weird... smell my hair. smell my ass. goodbye. i love you again.
from the-mistake :
ew. i am NOT asslick, damnit! and fuck dannon.. i've got a new hook up. its a small world after all.
from the-mistake :
just thought i'd tell you cause i tell you everything and everything i mean anything and everything. GOD THESE DIARYLAND BANNERS ARE SO FUCKING GAY! AND WHENEVER I CLICK ON ONE THAT I LIKE ITS THAT SQUIRRELX GIRL!!!!!! OH SHIT ME NOT
from the-mistake :
dannon is coming over. LOL.. she called and i was like, "DANNON?!" oops.
from the-mistake :
lol.. its okay. i think claydick called me but i was half asleep so whatever. smelly sack asshole.
from klcroft :
Have a good day! ;)
from klcroft :
How can I love someone I have never met? You are the best buddy a person could ever hope for! I am glad you understand me. I feel you are the only one in the world who really does. That means everything to me!
from klcroft :
HEh. Hehe. Very funny!
from klcroft :
Always nice to hear from you! I don't know, I just feel kinda alive the last couple of days. It is a good feeling. I thought I was coming down with something, but I medicated myself and I'm all better now. I hope you are too!
from klcroft :
Just a note to say hi and I miss ya! Hope you are doing alright!
from the-mistake :
you motherfucking penis muncher!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR! IM GONNA FUCKING CRYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
from the-mistake :
I HAD A FEELING THIS WOULD HAPPEN!
from the-mistake :
oh yeah.. and i am going to go to sleep for awhile cause i've been up all night and all morning and all day so i'll only be a couple of hours. if you come on wait for me penis wrinkle.. lol. somebody is in desperate need.
from the-mistake :
you really need to get on!
from the-mistake :
oh my god. i'm an idiot. i was about to sign my own notes. i'm going to try and make this note neat and as proper as i can, okay? i smoked more with my friends. they came over and i just got back about twenty minutes ago. its four in the morning! my dad still hasn't come home yet. i think he stayed the night at the place my mom is staying. she was crying today and saying she was really scared, so he went over there. i'm really out of it and i wish you were on. i miss you again! <3
from the-mistake :
god damnit! weiner boy is sending my MORE pictures of him and his stupid fucking dick. i don't like it because its ruining my horny time!!! i can't stare at it for too long or else i seriously get sick. i wish you were on... this is really gay. its always boring when your not online. penis wrinkle. titty twister.
from the-mistake :
i keep thinking i can delete your notes for some reason. bye.
from the-mistake :
LOL! you put pits!!! OMG I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING!!! THATS GREAT!! you meant to put PUTS but you put PITS!! I LOVE YOU AGAIN LMAO!! clit is all fucked up from her dentist's appointment and i took one of her loratabs and so did her mom. but she only took half... AHHH and i got high with her sister while amy was passed out! OMG she said the funniest shit in the car!! LMAO! she was crying and saying she was in chine and that she didn't know where she was. and there was this ONE guy walking down the street and shes like, "LOOK AT THE MEXICAN TWINS!" amy's mom made me tea!!! YUM!! i love how she makes it cause she puts ice in it too and its cold and yummy its british tea!! i wish you were on... blahhhh. somebody is here ,... its her sister's x boyfriend.. i told him his breath smells like penis. he came here last night with big bags of weed and her mom saw and freaked out. but we didnt see it... she told us about it the next morning. ewww i dont want the mcdonald's fries. NASTY. me and amys mom went and got a breakfast burroito during amy's appointment and i have the shits now. GRRR LOL!! okay i spilled the tea all over my lap. fuckk.. .i always spill stuff on myself. i showered today and smell really nic and my hair looks [pretty with a red tint when im in the sunlight... OOOHH I WISH YOU COULD SEE IT JACKOLAS!!!! lol!! nicolas only jacolas.. uhh hahahahahaha!!!! uhhh got any gum?? I LOVE YOU AGAIN (i know) YOUR CONCEITED (whats that??) YOU. YOUR THE DEVIL!!! hahaha okay i will stop bye i love you again. text sex is on.
from racer-chaser :
Wassup? I just read your entry about your favorite bar closing down, and seriously, I can totally relate. I feel the same way everytime I drive by the building that "The Trophy Room" used to be in. That was the bar that I spent my summers in (illegally of course, since I was only 16, 17 at the time and I'm now 20). But I know how ya feel! ~racer-chaser~ formerly inport-babe http://racer-chaser.diaryland.com/
from on-my-rag :
dude. tommy is lost.
from the-mistake :
god damnit. i'm fucking bored and depressed when your not on. =(
from musicland :
your a good kid jack...juat kept me occupied for hours
from the-mistake :
im already bored. my sister just told me to go to bed. fucking hoodlum thinks shes my mother. i don't listen to blonde bitches with shit eyes and big saggy boobs. =) i love you again and i miss you again and again and again. i'm gonna go hump the sheep now.
from the-mistake :
(piano in background) too late, my time has come. sent shivers down my spine but hes(?) aching all the time. goodbye everybody i've got to go! gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. MAMA OOOOoooooOOOOH! I DONT WANNA DIE SOMETIMES I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN AT ALL! (guitar and piano) the rest i can't spell cause i'm stupid.
from the-mistake :
mama, just killed a man. put a gun against his head pulled my trigger now hes dead. mama, life had just begun but now i've gone and thrown it all away. MAMA!!!!!! OOoooooOOOH. DIDNT MEAN TO MAKE YOU CRY IF IM NOT BACK THIS TIME TOMORROW CARRY ON, CARRY ON as if nothing really matters.
from the-mistake :
is this the real life? is this just fantasy? caught in a landslide no escape from reality. open your eyes look up to the skies and see.. i'm just a poor boy i need no sympathy. because im easy come easy go little high little low. any way the wind blows doesnt really matter to me , to me.
from the-mistake :
who likes to smoke. enjoys a joke. and wouldnt get a bit upset if he were really broke. with wealth and fame hes still the same. i bet ya five your not alive if you don't know his name. <3
from the-mistake :
funny BUT weird.
from the-mistake :
BeigeNova: i-am-drunk BeigeNova: lol BeigeNova: i-am-drunk.diaryland.com
from the-mistake :
anyway* (not anyone) sorry i'm on crack
from the-mistake :
LOL! whats with the testing thing?! aahhha... oh boy. i can't sleep. 2 HOURS!!! THATS IT! and only.. wait let me do the math with my fingers... and only 2 MORE HOURS until i would be getting up anyone. GOD DAMNIT! i'm bored as hell... i've been chain smoking all night, or should i say morning? ahhhh fuck. my stomach hurts you whore. i love you again. goodbye nicole.
from plaguegirl :
My diary is public again. Sorry...long story.
from i-am-jack :
testing
from fellbehind :
The updates are almost frequent again, this is good. Ha, yeah, I've been wanting to put that Fight Club picture up forever, but I couldn't quite fit the caption in the frame with the font size I was using. And of course I couldn't just have that one be unnoticeably smaller, that's ridiculous, so I'm changing them all. Never did see Pecker, the title was a little offputting at first, but I have heard it was good. I don't think I owe Blockbuster any money, maybe I'll rent it this weekend.
from grimm0826 :
Good to see you back...I was beginning to worry. Also, interesting news about the not-so-happy little threesome. I am Grimm's smirking sense of irony! Take care...
from squirrelx :
Oh, Jack ... if only I'd known you're a toadstool afficianado! Those poor little things were among our precious few sales today. More merchandize was broken than sold, but that's a long crappy story. As ever, Xtine P.S.: you're wonderful, by the way. Folks around you at the moment might not appreciate that fact, but it's nevertheless true.
from klcroft :
My Jack...I love you. I really do. I can't remember whether I ordered blue ink pens or black...but I know I look forward to my invisible pringle man Jack! You fucking rule. Don't ever go away.
from the-mistake :
i fucking love you. thank you, that really made me feel better. i made it so your the only one that can i-m me and talk to me. even if i went a year without talking to you, you'd still be on my mind. your in every fucking dream i have.. its driving me nuts cause you always look like some weird ass famous person. i wish i could shrink you down to atleast 17 again and make you my only friend. i would rape you.
from the-mistake :
I NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER READ CATHER IN THE RYE. I'VE BECOME OBSESSED WITH CHARLES MANSON. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! FUCK ME.
from fellbehind :
Thanks for the birthday note. I can totally relate to your mom's reaction. Raisins fuckin' suck. They suck ass. You don't give raisins to loved ones, you give them to your enemies. They are weapons of mass destruction. Okay, I'm done.
from on-my-rag :
guess who... LoL
from the-mistake :
AHAHA! I saw the seperation anxiety you left in your own notes.. jesus your funny when your drunk. I'm sorry about today, are you mad at me for doing.. you know what??
from i-am-jack :
SEPARATION ANXIETY
from the-mistake :
actually i never even put my away message on. aim put the auto matic one on because i was away for such a long time. oh oh oh oh oh!
from the-mistake :
sorry i never talked to you. i forgot i was on all day.. i wasn't home. if i did talk to you at all, it wasn't me. it was probably my sister or possibly a ghost. so sorry my love! goodnight.
from the-mistake :
HAHAHAHAH! suck it.
from musicland :
Your diary is great.. i love the way you write. talk to me anytime
from myown-person :
hey, whats up? Yeah i know how you feel about the whole having too much stuff to do, but not enough energy to do it. I know, that really sucks. Sorry. It's good that i got you thinking :-) that makes me happy!
from myown-person :
hey whats happnin'? nothing much here, just chilling. I saw you online, but your away message was on. I have to get ready for work now though, so i will talk to you later.
from the-mistake :
you always get your way, don't you?
from klcroft :
Think logically for a moment. What reason would I EVER have to be upset with you? I am not well and it has been a rough week. I have not been on much but when I am my laptop lets me know just what a piece of shit she really is. I tried answering you last night but it wouldn't go through. :( I was kinda upset. I knew you would take it the wrong way. I would have called you but I couldn't do that, so I just gave up and went to bed. It is not you at all. I miss talking. I hope you are ok.
from the-mistake :
your a slut.
from klcroft :
I am sorry I left ya last night without saying anything. When you read, I hope you will understand. :( Hopefully you are not too pissed at me about it.
from the-mistake :
bahumbug!
from the29th :
I finally bought the book. I'm halfway done. I don't like "Joe" - it doesn't have the same ring to it. Now I'm even more sure that what I suspected to be the book's ending will be the book's ending. I also bought "Invisible Monster" and "Survivor".
from klcroft :
I need to talk to you but I cannot sign on. Let me know if you are on...
from the-mistake :
you were in my dream. only it was david spade, but it was still you. i now see you as david spade.
from the-mistake :
don't you think its time to buy me a dildo? i think so.
from fellbehind :
Many thanks, Jack.
from punkrockfuck :
i cant breathe.
from punkrockfuck :
NO! I HOPE YOU DIDNT TAKE THAT PERSONALLY!!! COME INSIDE TODAY!!!!!!!! @!N!OONNO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEEED TO TALK TO YOU!KJHKJLGJG hey this is code: TURTLE SMOKIN' ... cause its green... i'll expain later~!! BETTER BHD UE BET ON SOON!!!!! BET = black entertainment! TINK!
from klcroft :
You should get outside today! Get some fresh air. It will will do you good. It is a beautiful day. I hope you got some rest.
from klcroft :
Oh, love...I am soooo sorry! I shut my eyes for a second and I was out! I will make it up to you! I promise. Now, what was that song? ;)
from klcroft :
Just been in a funk lately. I have actually looked for you a few times, but I suppose we always miss each other. Sorry about all that.
from squirrelx :
Thank you for your kind words about my varmints! Some days, squirrels are the only creatures on earth that make sense to me. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from malagator :
Update your bloody diary already, you lazy sonnovabiatch!
from ashadeofred :
hey. yes, you are indeed familiar. im sorry I locked my diary. there were just too many pointless people that didnt have anything worth while to say or even having remote interest in anything in my diary accept the fact that they have the address and they've met me. mostly just people that went to my old school and like to give me shit. you and matthew are welcome to read my diary, and im sorry you've been feeling alone. this is not a very good feeling to have, nor do i wish anyone else to be experience it. if youd like my screen name on aim is shadeofaredrose.. yahoo if you dont have aim is pinky94070@yahoo.com... you seem like a very interesting person, from what ive read of your writting and from what I hear from matthew.. who is also a lovely boy. talk to you soon. -renate
from punkrockfuck :
wanna come outside while i smoke? dude. i am so stupid... i was like i wanna call jack I DONT TALK TO YOU ON THE PHONE. i'm insane!!!!
from punkrockfuck :
how rude you did it again. i'm all alone.
from punkrockfuck :
monopoly? i'm not smart enough for you.
from i--feel :
That's pretty much life though.
from the29th :
I never got the book. Three people I swapped with had things "lost in the mail". I'm so frustrated I could... do something unpleasant.
from i--feel :
Thanks for the advice dude.
from klcroft :
I just want to say thank you again for being around to talk to. You have helped me more than you could imagine. Your kindness means the world. You ain't so bad. ;)
from punkrockfuck :
your the only one i say again to.
from punkrockfuck :
are you cheating on me again? i found panties in the back seat of your car. and it really makes me wonder, ya know? why would you, out of all people have panties in their car. their not even mine. I DONT WEAR PANTIES YOU NINCUMPOOP! now tell me the truth, are you seeing other people?
from myown-person :
I move out this Friday, so in two more days, im sooo exicted. !!!!!:-)
from squirrelx :
I know you're right about the restrainin' order, Jack. Deep down, I guess I know a lot of things about my situation that I just can't bare to face up to on a conscious level. It's so temptin' to keep my fingers crossed and do nothin' --- hopin' life will turn out happily all itself. Talk about livin' in a dream world! Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from myown-person :
yeah, i opened my diry back up, so feel free to stop by :-)
from punkrockfuck :
"its natural"
from klcroft :
I am glad you are coming around on some things.
from squirrelx :
You ARE exceptional! Never doubt it! Thanks for leavin' me a note. How're you doin' lately? Your most recent entry indicated that you're goin' through some extremely rough times and I've been worried. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from klcroft :
I feel like a tard for half the things I said. Sorry about all that. :/
from punkrockfuck :
i feel clean now cause i showered.
from punkrockfuck :
ich kenne Deutscher auch motherfucker
from punkrockfuck :
J'aime Le PÉNIS
from punkrockfuck :
je biseaute l'arrêt pensant à vous et tout le grand sexe nous avons eu la nuit passée votre cum goûté comme grape-juice. doux mmm, comment j'aime le sperme de toute façon mon cher, j'espérons que vous pouvez manger ma chatte ce soir que j'attends avec intérêt vraiment d'avoir un orgasme.
from punkrockfuck :
I
from punkrockfuck :
LOVE
from punkrockfuck :
YOU.
from punkrockfuck :
uterus.
from punkrockfuck :
ovary.
from punkrockfuck :
fetus.
from punkrockfuck :
chode.
from punkrockfuck :
rectum.
from punkrockfuck :
i had lots of dreams i need to tell you about.... you were in it.
from punkrockfuck :
im pregnant with your alien.
from punkrockfuck :
my goal for the day is to leave you 50 notes.
from punkrockfuck :
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?! YOU BETTER BE LOOKING FOR A JOB YOU SCROTUM LICKER!! HAHA I LOVE YOU
from punkrockfuck :
i feel dirty.
from klcroft :
This is what I think...You and I should go Martin Blank on everyone. Proffesionals. Knock people off for a living. Good money, good fun. Satisfaction.
from racerchaser :
Hi Jack it's me again (import-babe). I have 2 logins. Racerchaser is my personal diary/journal. import-babe is my "fun page" dedicated to ripping on my rival racing team. Anyways, just thought I'd let ya know. :)
from import-babe :
Jack, This may sound weird, but YOU are ME! You are the male version of me. Exactly and completely. I stumbled upon your diary, or rather as a journal, as I like to refer to it (diary seems too girly). Anyhow, I came across it almost by accident and read a few entries here and there from the last month or so. It's eerie, how much you remind me of me. All the things you say, are the things I think, but don't ever say or dare write out of fear that no one will understand. I went and am still going through all the same "realationship shit" you are feeling. It sucks, I know, but I'm so glad that I found that there are others out there who know, too. Namely, you. All the ups and downs you spoke of, the anger, and despair, the happiness followed by sudden sadness, the "trinkets" you kept, the panick and anxiety attacks, even right down to the depth of perception. It blew my mind. I was eating while reading one of your entries, and right before reading the line about your panick attacks, I thought, "Gee, this guy sounds exactly like me, I wonder if he has panick attacks, too". Then before I could take another bite, I read the line about the anxiety and panick attacks and literally dropped my food in shock. This is so weird for me. I have never in my life come across another individual who thinks and feels like I do. At the same time I do. I was so intrigued, I even read your profile, and was almost shocked to see that you too love cars. But I won't get started on that subject cause I'd never shut-up. You even like some of the same music. I hope you don't take all this the wrong way, I just thought it all to be such an odd coincidence (or however it's spelled). I'd swear you were my long lost twin. But anyhow, I will go now, since this is getting a bit long. But please keep in touch if you can, I would really like to get to know you. ~Angelin DaSilva~ "import-babe" amerikanbeauty20@yahoo.com
from squirrelx :
I'm very pleased that you enjoyed my entry about the Lesters' haints. It was hard to write. I had the devil's own time puttin' my experience into words. Some realities defy language. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from punkrockfuck :
JACK! I had the worst dream in the world! you said you never wanted to talk to me or have anything to do with me again.. and then you told everyone who read my diary that i was stupid and they didn't read my diary anymore!! =(
from klcroft :
(((Jack, my dear))) I just wanted to say I hope you have a good day!
from punkrockfuck :
don't ever talk such nonsense again! i love you, and you do have a life! theres people in china that need one, just think how special you are!
from myown-person :
yeah, it was, but my fiance decided that it would be better if i locked it until my 18th b-day. So, then, it will be password free. And your username and password are both iamjack, just like that. so thanks for going to my diray. i will talk to you later.
from myown-person :
ne time you wanna im me, then do so, if you forgot your password to my diary, then its myownperson and the password is andrea i forgot what i gave you, but you can use that. but i will probably unlock it soon, maybe even today
from klcroft :
Thanks, love.
from daizychainz :
Jack...I dunno if you remember but I met you in the diaryland chat...and I read your diary...it's amazing. you're a very real person and that's such a rare quality...to find someone so in touch with the core of their emotions and everything. Your diary is kick-ass! I loved the entry about wanting to be held and loved...it almost made me cry b/c I can identify very strongly with that...my life is on an upswing as far as that is concerned, but there's been lots of times where i've felt that lonely and sad and desperate...I hope you see things go better soon. Drop me a line or check out my diary ("diary of an emotional idiot") if you feel like it...have a good nite...
from punkrockfuck :
damn dirty porn got fucked up in my vcr. my dad's porn sucks! just dirty mexicans yelling kinky words in spanish, can't understand a fucking thing! i need reader's digest to get off to damnit!!
from klcroft :
I was wondering how you were...damn dirty comcast bastards.
from punkrockfuck :
tommy says hi!!
from punkrockfuck :
forgive me for leaving that note. i'm an asshole, what more can i say?
from klcroft :
You have no reason to thank me. I should be thanking you for making me see things so clearly.
from punkrockfuck :
i was hoping that this would be a night that you would have trouble sleeping and would come online. i guess this just isn't one of those nights. i really want/need to talk to you. i'm stressed out, and it seems your the only one i can come to. why is it, the people i need are never around?
from klcroft :
It is true. Very. ;) Glad to hear I could make SOMEONE feel anything. I just don't seem to be good at anything anymore.
from klcroft :
It is like you take the words right out of my heart and my head and make them clear to me. I thank you for it.
from the29th :
I got the book on swappingtons and should get it any day now. Chuck Palahniuk said he liked the ending of the movie better, I read. But I'll let you know.
from klcroft :
It was obvious it wasn't about her. The same thing is happening here every now and again...I go through the needing a warm body close to love on stuff too. I just kinda wonder when all that will be a reality for me again. It feels like it will be forever. (Cause K ain't no ho! ;))
from the29th :
Yes, at the time it came out I just didn't think it was something I'd like. Since that time I've heard again and again I should see it but just never did. It being your favorite movie was sort of the straw that broke the camels back. I finally rented it. I didn't realize until I saw it that your user name was from it as well. There were a lot of things I didn't know were from Fight Club until I saw it. I really did enjoy it though. I'm glad that in the years since it came out no one gave away the ending to me, it was much more fun to suspect it.
from the29th :
I've meant to thank you for being the reason that I finally watched Fight Club. I'll read it as soon as the book gets here.
from klcroft :
For some reason it doesn't show up all that quickly on my end. Also, when you leave a note for me...I get it twice. What kind of fucked up shit is that? Your second to last pinpoints me all the way. I told you the things we bypassed would bite us in the ass!
from punkrockfuck :
[english version] i still love you! [again]
from punkrockfuck :
je vous aime toujours! [encore]
from punkrockfuck :
i'm sorry everything totally sucks for you right now. i wish i could make it all better for you some how. i hope you feel better soon. <33
from punkrockfuck :
sucez du grand la saucisse homme. nous aimons la saucisse ! qui aime la saucisse ? nous ! les thats redressent, hu d'uh ! sucez mon Dick, cause que je suis un dieu de hick. les fichues cannettes de fil motherfucking descendent mieux de leurs gros ânes de ma propriété avant que je tire leurs ânes. je veux votre weiner dans ma bouche. ew, malade. j'aime le weiner en brioches. J'ai obtenu Le MONDE ENTIER DANS des MES MAINS. comment se fait-il que tous les homosexuels soient gais ? ------------------------- ENGLISH!!! ------- suck the big man's sausage. we love the sausage! who loves the sausage? we do! thats right, uh hu! suck my dick, cause i'm a hick. god damn motherfucking cops better get their fat asses off of my property before i shoot their asses. i want your weiner in my mouth. ew, sick. i love weiner in buns. I GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN MY HANDS. how come all homosexuals are gay?
from punkrockfuck :
hello jack, its a lovely evening, don't you think? i am sorry [some shit about french notes...] this is fun, you dont know a damn thing i'm saying. i have genital herpes. i love penis. puke on my sack!! i don't have a sack. in tyler we trust.
from punkrockfuck :
bonjour le cric quelle belle soirée c'est, ne pensez-vous pas ainsi ? je suis désolé que j'aie oublié les notes françaises plus tôt que c'est grand, vous ne savez pas une fichue chose je dis la baise de baise de baise. j'ai l'herpès génital. j'aime le pénis vomis sur mon sac ! ! je n'ai pas un sac. dans le tyler nous faisons confiance.
from klcroft :
You need to update. I want to hear what is going on with you.
from mylostangel :
how come you havent updated in a while?
from klcroft :
Me too, love. Me too. I will be great one day. Thanks. I dig you!
from klcroft :
I will be fine. I just keep having to deal with Chris. I get a little better and he pops back into my life. It's killing me, man. It is almost as if he hates I am ok without him. Today was just rough. I will be fine. Thanks for your thoughts, though. ;)
from mylostangel :
i have no idea. i think it may have been an old friend or her bf
from mylostangel :
at least none of my entries were deleted.
from mylostangel :
someone hacked my journal. no one's is on my list. i'm fixing it. I STILL LOVE YOU!!!
from punkrockfuck :
KLCROFT IS MY HERO!!!
from punkrockfuck :
I can't sleep once again. I'm watching a porno and I can't help but think of you!
from klcroft :
I cannot sleep once again. I am watching Fight Club and I couldn't help but think of you! I dug your last entry. Very, very powerful. Good for you.
from klcroft :
I have no idea how I possibly could have helped, but it's good you are doing better. Glad to hear it. Now update, damn it! I want to hear how things are going for you. :)
from klcroft :
Well, quite sulking my dear! I know that it is easier said than done. It was one of those things where I just woke up one morning and was fine. I had to go through all the stages of this thing. Seems kind of fast...maybe I bypassed some stages? Lol. I am always either scalding hot or freezing cold. Never in the middle. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance? Just be kind to yourself, ok?
from klcroft :
Well, if you would ever like to talk, I am here. Just take care of yourself. You are all you've got! Maybe one day we will both find the person who will nourish us in ways instead of breaking us. Maybe one day we will learn to get past our past. What do you think? You need to update, too. I want to hear what is on your mind.
from klcroft :
I can't believe you are actually reading my thoughts. Thanks for your words of encourgement. Every little bit has helped me get through this. I'm not done yet...still things to take care of. I find myself ready to move on, though. Love shouldn't be so hard. It should sweep you away, not knock you on your ass. I hope you feel better soon.
from klcroft :
You are right.
from klcroft :
It is even harder when you are married. He walked out the day after X'mas and I have been right here every since. I am in the self destruction phase.
from klcroft :
Your entry...I thought I was the only one who was feeling these things. I really like to read your writing. I know that sounds really fucked, seeing as how you are going through so much inside. I hope you understand. Maybe it's that it makes me feel less insane.
from machina- :
Hey, sorry I didn't come back online. I left shortly after I signed off, and my computer's not working at my house.
from bree914 :
Hey! You seem like a cool guy. Is "I am Jack" from Fight club, or that one robin williams movie? haha.. hmm thank god u like alice in chains and pink floyd. Rock on.. later
from born-fallen :
hey, i don't know how i got here, but i read a little.
from klcroft :
You had every right to take the money. You have every right to be upset at her.
from machina- :
Yeah, you're welcome. I was just being honest about what I think of your journal, I really do think it's good.
from i--feel :
Sorry for the sufficient lack of entry. Its a combination of a lack of inspiration and an abundance of time consuming activities. I'll see if I can get something up in a couple of days.
from sickofiodine :
you lost your car, right? it crashed? cars crash. you have my sympathy and you have my blessing, but you can't take a car with you to heaven.
from punkrockfuck :
rehab. home school. tripple c.
from malagator :
Welcome to Jack's complete and utter stagnation! UPDATE ALREADY YOU PUNK!
from punkrockfuck :
i'm on again, and you are not. i was hoping you would be. i didn't go to school today and my mom is being psycho. shes not letting me sleep... what the fuck?! cause i went to bed at 1 a.m in the fucking morning. and have to get up at 5 a.m. this is so stupid. shes making me do chores, and then in an hour shes coming home to get me and take me with her all day so she makes sure i don't sleep. shes fucking insane! then she shares all her problems with me like i give a shit and tells me its mostly because of ME. i want to die. sorry, didn't mean to get all gooshy and emotional and smother you with my family problems. i've got no one else.
from machina- :
You should check this out-http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net/author/test/chucktest.htm
from myown-person :
hey, hows it going? well if you wanna check out my diary, then aim me, and i will give you a password. i had to lock it for certin purposes. if you forgot what it was, my sn is lilbichicka, later!
from punkrockfuck :
i cannot stop coughing. those tripple c's should of taken care of that! jesus, if only i were born a few years earlier.. we could be together!
from machina- :
Yes, I think that the only time in my life where I have had a sedated oulook on life was when I WAS sedated chemically. That's why the people who are truly at peace with everything are so interesting, they do it without any drug to change them. Had your friend been calm all his life, or did he change to that outlook after years of life experience? I think that after having my life go through ruins I would feel the opposite of contentment, even though I guess I feel the opposite of contentment now even without living in ruins.
from machina- :
Is that strong inner peace both strange and interesting due to the fact that it feels so alien and unattainable? I too have met people like that, but usually they follow some philosophy of zen and are very spiritual, which seems odd to me in itself. I wonder sometimes if those full of zen and peace are really more of a time bomb about to go off after years of holding it all in, or if they really allow everything to pass through them.
from machina- :
Beneath the surface arent we all raging? Beneath a quiet facade there are always gears running, some process of thought going through ones head....except for when there isnt. There are people who really are nothing much except for their exterior, and that quietness which they posess is really their lack of anything to say. Whenever I meet quiet people I try to distinguish if they keep what they're thinking inside or are just not thinking much of anything. Usually they're just very withdrawn.
from machina- :
"Calm as Hindu cows..."
from kinky-kitten :
hi, jack...just wanted to say that i really enjoy your diary. i've only started reading it recently, but the feelings you have toward the girl who recently broke up with you are quite similar to the way i feel about my ex-boyfriend. anyway, i just like the way you think about things in general, and you often put into words things that i think but i don't have the ability to clarify with language. keep rockin'. --alice
from fuckingmarla :
okay. THANKS, ASSHOLE! don't fucking leave me notes like that. prick.
from alcon835 :
I just want to tell you that thought you seem pissed at life right now. It will get better. It always does, even when it feels like the world hates you, there is still hope, and that better day will come.
from twinkle-tows :
hey nice profile i hve alot in common with you
from myown-person :
hey, im andrea, i've talked to you online before. just wanted to say hi, and check out my diary! later
from fuckingmarla :
hey asshole. i take paxil, like you want to take it. YOU BETTER NOT BE LATE NEXT CHRISTMAS!
from i--feel :
If I might offer some advice: It would seem to me that although your ex-girlfriend may want to change, odds are she will not. She may for a little while, but she'll probably go back to her selfish hateful ways before too long. You ought to be careful not to get sucked back into her lies (or promises she can't keep). She seems (from what I know) to be somewhat similar to my mother, who will never really change. Just thought I'd throw that in there.
from squirrelx :
Dear Jack: I'm profoundly grateful for your compassion and support! Just sayin' 'thank you' doesn't begin to express how much they mean to me. I don't think there are any words in any language I could use to let you know how much light you have brought to my heart, and your kindness is even more precious given the emotional turmoil in your own life right now. Love, Xtine / Squirrel X
from justenough :
i love this diary! i am jacks sense of amusement
from punkrockfuck :
ahaha! you crack me up! one time me and my friend pranked someone and my friend says, "go into your closet" (("OK")) "now go out of your closet" (("OK")) "you just came out of the closet!" or something like that. its was funny... yeah... i have the shits. bye.
from lintpickle :
I know you know this, but you are SO much better off. It's hard to see what's happening to you when you're in it. I know, I've done it a million times. And you just keep hoping that you being there and giving them love will bring out the best in them, but there are some people you just can't save, and she's one of them. Please save yourself this time.
from fellbehind :
Are you kidding? Ramen is a delicacy, my friend.
from i--feel :
I read your notes. I don't much care for Catholicism because kids are raised like you. Now, if I may ask, who is Antagonist Superior?
from weaktnspirit :
well, I think I'm just driving everyone else crazy.Like if something bad or unexpected happens I say sombrely-'It's only after we've lost everything,we're prepared to do anything.' Check out Chuckpalahniuk.net,Chuck's written some amazing essays there.
from weaktnspirit :
Maybe it's about time someone banned me going to the computers at school to read fight club fan pages..oh and if they stole my video and the soundtrack and gagged me from saying fightclub quotes at least 4 times a day!..I'd be on the road to recovery.How about you?
from weaktnspirit :
Shit,your diary's great. There should be a support group for fight club addicts..or just all round Chuck Palahniuk addicts..I know I'd have to go.Good work anyhow.Hattiex
from i--feel :
Ya, it does suck not to be inspired, but it'll pass sometime or another. I am curious, what are your beliefs on God? And don't worry, I'll leave you alone about it if you tell me.
from punkrockfuck :
haha that last note was a fat boy slim song.. sorry, i was bored at the time. but guesssss what.. that boy i liked ((STEVE)), well he thinks i am cute! but you know what just fucking sucks. he might not go out with me because i am a freshman. he is a senior (which i didnt know until today) and is 18!! fuck! oh well though.. he talked to my friend andres and steve told him he was thinking about going out with me but we dont really know eachother, and i was going to get his number after school, but he was being gay.. haha. AHHHHH! someone finally likes me back! i didn't mean to depress you or worry you or anything. i'm alive, right?
from punkrockfuck :
i have to celebrate you baby i have to praise you like i should.
from punkrockfuck :
yeah parents suck. wanna know something amazingly cool, that you will shit yourself. (HA not really.) i have a 28 year old friend! you and him could hang out together and we could all be friends!! hes goofy like you, and i made him write me a letter about wanting to swing dance with me... haha. oh shit, he is 29. nevermind. today is his birthday. and OMG i miss you!!!!! some assholes just need to get online more often to tell me about their lives. even though i do read your diary, but still. wheres the comedy?
from punkrockfuck :
i am so not a tease! how dare you! haha, just kidding! i had to sign off, because my mom was bitching at me, and i just wanted to tell you that i missed you before i signed off. i'm sorry.. i'm glad i don't have to get a job... [[yet.]]
from i--feel :
I hope things get better for ya dude.
from punkrockfuck :
OH MY GOD! YOUR 24?! haha, jk. i'm 40.
from malagator :
Yay, I figured out how to leave YOU comments! Diaryland is weird. Anyway on with the comment: Lol!! You're the only person I know that can turn a day without coffee into a tragic tale of suffering and agony! Heh. You rock. That sucks about how things are going at work though. If you change your mind about that other job I told you about, let me know. You might like it better. Definately better pay/benefits. Anyway, come over soon and GET YOUR TOE SOCKS! :-P http://mediocredeity.livejournal.com/ Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
from squirrelx :
I'm still tryin' to figure out how to make a an 'official' banner with soap on it for Write Club, but in the mean time, I could send you just the soap graphic if you want me to. Just let me know what e-mail address to use. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from klcroft :
Hope the insanity will be over soon for you. (Christ, I sound like a fucking Susan Powter commercial.)
from squirrelx :
Bless your heart and thank you for joinin' Write Club! If I can ever figure out how it's done, I'm gonna make us our own special banner. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from mugbug226 :
after reading your profile, how did they think you were a girl?
from punkrockfuck :
sorry i offended you. i've come to realize he isn't good enough to be anything like you! haha. fuck him, hes an annoying asshole and grrr he makes me so mad! okay. i will stop talking about him. did you ever talk to your girlfriend about the whole 'are you using me' thing? i have to sneeze.
from squirrelx :
Thanks for the compliment on my banners. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from punkrockfuck :
hey baby doll!! sorry im not trying ot hit on your im just feeling nice rightn ow!! i miss you!! BUNCHES!!! my jackie jack you tell the best stories and guess what .. that kid that i said reminded me of you well fuck that i change my mind you are much beter he fucked me over.. i'll tell you about it when were both on aim okay bye hes comign!!
from klcroft :
I am reading Choke right now. Have you read it?
from fuckingmarla :
<3. grapes.
from fuckingmarla :
bored again. i'm happy you have a job now. you tuna eating, masturbating white whore.
from angelofroses :
whoops.. it's here: http://www30.brinkster.com/liquidhtml/jacklayout.jpg
from angelofroses :
Also, check this out... The offer I made before about the layout still stands. You can have the color changed if you want... http://www30.brinkster.com/liquidhtml.jacklayout.jpg
from angelofroses :
Not that I know of, but go to ranchoweb.com and sign up for free, you can upload images there and use them on Diaryland because they allow for remote hosting.
from fuckingmarla :
wow. i've left a lot of notes lately.
from fuckingmarla :
gee whiz, beaver.
from fuckingmarla :
go ahead. you can break me, stare down at my broken pieces and laugh.
from fuckingmarla :
im thinking about STAB STAB STAB CLICK ME! STAB! dress rehersal. COLOURS. and behind your dark glasses yur something else. andyur really lovely underneath it all. 9:38 P to the AM. (((((((((PM)))))))))))
from fuckingmarla :
yes that was the guy who reminded me of you. and you know whats weird?... i knew he was a leo just by the way he acted (he acted like you, well just the coversations we had and how we laughed at everything was like how we are.. lol) and then i asked him what his sign was and he said LEO!!! oh im so good! okay i will talk to you on IM now..
from i--feel :
I thank you for your incouragement in the area of my mother. Its interesting that although parents can be less mature than their children, they still have all the power. Quite a connundrum.
from fuckingmarla :
i met someone that reminded me of you. and i had the best time with them.
from i--feel :
I have turned on my notes, if it interests you. Although I was unaware that I had an audience consisting of more than myself, it is nice to know. Your diary is intriguing, "...in a Tyler sort of way."
from punkrockfuck :
this is silly. just tell me you want me and be gone. HA!! kidding. my eyes are burning.
from angelofroses :
We live on off-brand stuff. Or store brand. That 2 for $1 Mac and Chesse is the best. It's a bit better than ramen, because with ramen, all you want to do is sleep because you don't have enough energy or calories to burn.
from mylostangel :
and how are we doing today, Mr.Durden?
from super-cabra :
Sorry dude, I just assumed, which we all know makes an ass out of you and me..well, really just me. Yeh, Fight Club is the greatest movie ever, have you read his new book " Choke", its very good. Well, I'll talk to you later i guess...something like that.....don't forget to sign my guestbook, my name is Chris. Bye.
from sickofiodine :
hey now cowboy, did you get kicked out by a roomie or your dad? because if it's a roomie then seriously, there are far worse things to worry about. if it's your dad then i, personally, would just give them both a good whoopin'. and i'm not joking either, i mean hell, you shouldn't find yourself in the position to dispose of bodies in the near future, but i'm just saying that things like this solves itself. or it never does and you go to your grave bitter. either way, if i were you i wouldn't take getting kicked out too lightly. but i would forgive and forget and get that bitch out of his house.
from mylostangel :
dont worry about offending me. i'm not easily offended. ^^
from fuckingmarla :
i am glad you are writing so much, and getting this out. has all this been on your mind for awhile? i wish i could write like you. it kinda makes me sad whenever i read your diary, that i can't write like you. hmm, oh well.
from mandyreese :
Did you know that NITRO GLYCERIN can be rearranged to spell NYLON RICE GRIT? But that's not quite as fun to say . . .
from mylostangel :
(gasp) you popped my note page cherry!
from fuckingmarla :
don't feel guilty because its not your fault. its not anyones fault really. maybe i just asked too soon for him to know for sure. or maybe he won't ever like me like that. atleast i tried, and i now know the truth.. right? i would have felt even more stupid to go on with thinking he liked me.
from sickofiodine :
ok, when last i checked you got laid off from the post office. and as far as i know having no job can suck because, hey, no food. and food is good. but it's the POST OFFICE. the POST OFFICE! and unless you got your jollies off reading other people's birthday cards from grammy or commiting small, unnoticable acts of mail fraud, i think any job should be better than that one.
from handsomedan :
I think, that if you write fan-fiction about fight club, you may have missed the point.
from fuckingmarla :
No, of course I am not mad at you. My computer was just being a bag of shit, and I was going nuts and almost broke it. AH, not good! Today is my sister's birthday and I hope I don't get the shits on the way home from the MEXICAN restaurant. hahaha, that was disturbing to leave you terrible thoughts of a girl half your age getting the shits, its disturbing to even hear that, especially from a girl. But, I bet you'll handle it well.
from applerobot :
i havent heard anyone use the word ambergris, ever, until you. and it made me excited. so.. uuuh, good then. chuck palahniuk ist gut, ja?
from sickofiodine :
ok, fun fact about the shooting of xxx: vin diesel celebrated his birthday on the set and they hired YOUNG MALE PROSTITUTES AS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT TO HIM!! i shit you not. really.
from ana-wreks-it :
lol, yea, i got rid of my stalker... and ever since, things seem to have gotten alot better... well, as good as it can get for ME n e ways.... thats nothing spectacular. but yea, i actually got rid of her w/out haveing to put up a bunch of bullshit info about myself either... going to different highskools makes it alot easier to avoid people ^_^ so yea, im back, and im gonna try and actually keep my page updated... weather that truely does happen, we'll see... take it easy jack ^_^
from fuckingmarla :
hmm that is odd. i thought it was just a bird, actually. i bet you feel a lot better.. paranoid freak! AHH!! hahaha, just kidding. yeah well me and the "big eyes" are friends now and talk all the time and i moved next to him in english. its all falling into place, thanks again for the advice, way, WAY back in the past. you really need to get online, i want to hear some stories!
from angelofroses :
Oh, that's good. ^_^
from angelofroses :
I thought it was just me who got that odd disconnected-falling-out-of-your-skin feeling.. hum.. Oh, about fixing the template... Maybe try switching to a different one temporarily, then switching to the one you like. If it still doesn't work, contact me, I can see if I can get it to work by altering the HTML. (basicly kicking the thing into working) ^_^
from angelofroses :
I didn't get the e-mail, but I can help you, actually for you it's pretty easy since you have the diaryland template. Just make sure you save the code for your diary rings, then select a new template (you can pick the same one you have right now) and then re-paste in your diary ring. It should fix it that way. ^_^
from un-decided :
Hi, I actually don't even write in un-decided at all anymore, not even diaryland. I'm sorry, but I bet that sooner or later I will be writing again, maybe not even un-decided, I know for a fact that it won't be there/here, whatever. But if you would like to chat with me sometime, [IF] then my screen name and email stuff in on my profile. Okay, thats all I really have to say. But I will continue to read your diary because I love it so damn much and Fight Club is the greatest thing in the world. Book and movie! Catch ya later, goodbye.
from angelofroses :
Paxil is not that bad, it doesn't really have any side effects and it is not addictive at all. I used to be on it off and on for my depression. The only thing I really noticed is that my moods where more stablized, if I got into a mood, it was never extreme and it stayed like that for awhile. It's like it levels you out. After I stopped taking it, I never really noticed anything unusual, no withdrawl or anything like that.
from angelofroses :
Oh, forgot to give you some samples of my work... http://www30.brinkster.com/liquidhtml/default.htm There is links to custom designs on the templates page.
from angelofroses :
You don't need a gold membership, there are ways around that(yes they are legal). and if you like the blue and white, i can incorporate those colors into the template. Just a suggestion. ^_^
from un-decided :
hmm.. is that a good thing or a bad thing?
from narcoticgerl :
i guess that's a good thing :)
from narcoticgerl :
nnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooo......I AM JACK......so there.
from angelofroses :
ouch! Poor you... If it's not one thing it's another. >_< Anyways... was wondering if you want a Fight Club themed layout for your diary. ^_^
from un-decided :
I don't really believe in marriage. I do, but its just not for me. I think that if ever get married it'll ruin everything, all the chemistry and all that smoochy noochy nonsense. I am not going, and neither is my mom (to the stupid 4th of july wedding) she just made the flowers and decorations. -Rae
from ripetomato :
Yeah, that's just it. In Canada there's almost always an Ikea within relatively short driving distance, it seems, and everyone knows the store ... whereas whenever I mention Ikea to an American it seems they haven't a clue what I'm talking about. Hence my being misled. *Sigh*.
from missmelis :
i am completely obsessed with fight club. i read your diary, and needless to say, i was anything but disappointed. you have quite the knack for writing, especially in the language style that draws me to the movie so much. i really like your stuff.
from ana-wreks-it :
i actually found u on some1s faves list ^_^ i figured that ur diary must be good, so i checked it out. i wasnt disapointed
from ripetomato :
(((((((((hugs))))))))
from peta- :
so love your style of writting, even though it is not intirly yours. Personally, i have never read any of Chuck Palahniuk's work. But I have seen 'fight club' about 1 or 2 hundred times. well just thought i would say that you are quitw entertaining
from ripetomato :
Oh, this was all my own doing, not the mighty therapist's ... only someone who's been to chat can fully appreciate how evil it is. ;o)
from angelofroses :
Congrats on getting the money out of the rat! Hopefully your car will be fixed soon and you get a job with more stability..I know how that goes. I got a job and was then fired two weeks later...Oh well.
from mynameisjill :
i just read fight club. kick ass. it was great. i am jill's newfound sense of clarity. kick ass.
from samantha :
if you live in St. Louis, I know where you are. well, not exactly. I was there for three weeks and I drove by that Ford plant and I heard it was closing down and I'm sorry if that's where you are.
from sickofiodine :
you have no email address. how am i supposed to respond if you have no email address?
from sickofiodine :
wouldn't it be funny if your name was sam so it would be like "i-am-sam" like the movie with sean penn and all of those beatle's covers? come one, spacemonkeys listen to music, don't they?
from mynameisjill :
hmm. i've seen the movie fight club but i can't recall that part. i guess i haven't seen it for a while. yeah, i can't remember who mentioned that. the the guy, jack, on will and grace is hilarious and so adorable. he says 'JUST JACK!' and throws up jazz hands next to his face whenever he does (he had a one man show called 'JUST JACK!' on the show). i think i'll watch fight club again. i don't think i've seen it enough, but then again, there is no such thing as seeing fight club enough. so yeah, thanks for the reminder. (:
from mynameisjill :
hey i was in the diaryland chatroom and somebody noted that they have never seem i-am-jack and mynameisjill (me) in the chatroom at the same time and i was like 'HOLY BLACK JESUS THERE'S AN I-AM-JACK' and they were like 'yeah' so now i'm here leaving you a note because...yeah...i don't know. i'm weird like that. yeah. so anyway, i just wanted to leave a note and stuff because i thought it was cool that somebody here is a jack because i've got the jill side covered. unless your name isn't jack and your name is just a lie. lies! all good though. just saying hi and have a nice day and go check out the diary some time. or not. shmeh. shmeh i say.
from angelofroses :
Way to go for winning against that rat!
from samantha :
I love Fight Club as much as you do. I've seen the movie too many times, read all of Chuck's other books, and made about five music videos for the movie from songs such as "Split Personality" by 12RODS to "Angels to Insects" by Papa Roach.
from i-am-jack :
I am Jack's Empty Notes Box. Noone Loves me.

back to i-am-jack's profile
recommend this diary to a pal?

Other diaries starting with the letter:
a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

Back to Diaryland

Recently updated
News
update: Still fixing stuff as fast as I can!. As you may have noticed, Diaryland is being renovated, which is still in progress. Bugs are all being fixed. The new design should work on phones much better than the old one, and pages in the members area are being converted to the new look one by one, so they can be tested. Please email help@diaryland.com with any new problems, but things that are already bugs should be fixed soon!
Users online