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28 years old and already weighed down with fears of cancer, not to mention the invasive procedures surrounding it. That's tough. Hopefully all these indignities are worth it and stay on the other side of the line for many years to come as a result. Best of luck to you.

from whystinger :

I applaud you for taking a risk and putting your feelings out there to someone you care about.

from naivepegasus :

Thanks for the incredibly kind words, I'm really glad you liked what you read :)

from movingsands :

Sending good vibes. Lots of good vibes(sounds like a 70s song)

from dangerspouse :

Didn't you just write "... it is no wonder I have been single for so long. I don't know how to be any other way. The thought of being with another human being 24/7 (or almost) is maddening" in your previous entry? Regardless, don't despair if you're still spouseless at 50. I have many friends who are, and it's far from maddening for them. If anything, they are often less burdened by obligations than their married cohorts (and certainly far less than those with children). However you end up, though, I hope it's for the best for you :)

from chakra-nadi :

Thanks. Those few moments of feeling connected are what keeps people going. Take care.

from feebriel :

I know the feeling about posting more. I forget all the good stuff when I get home, and all the notes I leave myself are obscure as hell. ._. Anyway, I'll not comment on the other stuff, but just know I'm pullin' for ya. If ya need a silly muse, I'm here. ♥

from feebriel :

You don't need bois like that. I'd like to say, "If you be yourself the perfect guy will come to you," but that'd be bull. So I'll focus on school stuff, and that that shit is, well, shit. XP I do hope you deal well with that, and if you ever need anyone to talk to you know where to find me. ♥

from feebriel :

:O Will add you now. :3

from feebriel :

I was thinking about becoming a math teacher at one point...From what I hear, teacher's college is nothing like what one would expect of it. You just do your work, and that is that. It takes a certain mindset and mentality, I suppose, because after dealing with the morons from high school, and the dipshits from college, I gotta say, fuck everyone my age, including myself for thinking I could interact with them. >.> Anyway, if you do become a teacher in Ontario, lemme take you out to dinner sometime. At the very least it should be interesting. :-P As for dealing with an ex you think is perfect for you, well...I'm going through that too, and I recently came to the realization that they can't be perfect for me if I'm not perfect for them. It kinda stopped me in my tracks and made me stare at myself for a while. And drink. A lot. On the plus side, I found a lot of really delicious wines, some of which I can treat you to should you meet your goals. :-P It's not much, so there's some incentive. My way of wishing you good luck. :3 ♥♥♥

from feebriel :

D: That all sucks...x.x But at least you found out sooner rather than later that he was cheating on ya, right? Don't wanna be in a vested relationship and have that shit happen. As for the mono and the car accident, well...Those things at least get sorted out easier than the feelings of having your heart broken, but just think, if he keeps sleeping around he might get some disease and end up dead sooner rather than later. A fitting end for cheating men. >;3 Hope all is well with you otherwise, and congrats for graduating. ♥♥♥

from amazinfuckup :

Thank you, darling. I hate to admit it, but my mother may have been right with her "this too shall pass" business. I'm slowly coming to accept my decision, although some days are better than others. Either way, thank you for caring. :)

from xxjamxx :

Hello. Don't be alarmed, you have been requested to me. Boys suck.Don't waste your time on them. You seem like you need a hug. Unless you find wallowing in sadness quite amusing too. Idon't blame you if that's the case. I need more friends. Read mydiary XP

from feebriel :

♥ funny story. My boss found my diary on here and, while he agreed with a lot of my mouthwords, he thought it hurt my chances of getting a job anywhere else. The username and password for my diary is pants and pants. :-P Anywizzy, good luck with comin' up with ideas for your art. ♥♥♥

from feebriel :

Relax. I'm a vocalist, so I'm speaking from experience here when it comes to the artistic process. Don't worry about it too much, and all of a sudden an idea will hit you so sharply you'll wonder if you're in a coma afterwards or not and granted, it might feel you are. But when the creative juices are flowing it's like something is working through you, and you have little to no control over it. It's natural for an artist. � I don't claim to know everything about being an artist, but as one artist to another let me tell you what has worked for me; Relaxing and doing your own thing works wonders. In the last two or three weeks before the deadline hits you'll have more than enough to work with, and not only that you'll have the will to see your creations through, not for your sake but the art's. Art is a brilliant thing like that, because as soon as you think of something you can't think of it in terms of it as being your own, you have to think of it in terms that it belongs to everyone. � Or that's what I think when I compose and write. I know it's a bit different with your medium, but the essence of it is still the same. ♥ � If you ever need some help in this department you can throw an e-mail at me. That's what other artists are there for, after all. :3

from feebriel :

Yeah, people definitely do like to complain a lot. It's the only way they can feel better about themselves, is to make other people feel bad for them. It's a mentality I've been bashing my head against for a while now, and I dun' think it's gonna go away anytime soon. Hope things are going decently for ya. ♥♥♥

from erases :

...happy birthday?

from erases :

i'm writing an e-mail to you, it's [email protected] right?

from erases :

i think i wrote an entry exactly like your "hazey dazey" i guess we're not as alone as we think, eh?

from feebriel :

It does happen more often than you think. I've been in that situation plenty of times before. It's natural, I wouldn't worry about it. We all go through periods like that, but it'll eventually pass sometimes it can take longer than it does for other people, but don't worry. It'll happen. And you'll enjoy the happier times a whole lot more. ♥

from feebriel :

Don't think anything of what he said. Men'll say anything to get back into a girl's pants, from bending the truth to outright lying. They do what they can to make you feel special, and that you're an important person to them, only to use that to their advantage. Regardless of what this person says, I think you should abide by your commitment, and go one step further in not even speaking to him when he talks to you. � If ya read any of my entries around Christmas, you'll get my feelings on giving things up for lent. Most people fall off the waggon when they give something up for Lent, of have a New Year's Resolution. True, those events can initiate something bigger, but you need to let your motivation gain momentum, and not let it be hindered by any external forces, such as the fact that That Certain Person said something that may be drawing you back to him. Just ask yourself if you would be better off, emotionally, without his presence in your life, and just go from there. And the car thing, well, keep track of how far and how long you've walked. I find that's helped acquaintances in the past. � Anyways, I know I sound cynical about a lot of things, but I do wish you the best of luck in everything, and am just talking from my personal experiences with commitments based on calendar dates and how males can be. I'd hate to see anything more happen to ya. :-P Lurve and pants. ♥

from feebriel :

I like your idea from your newest diary entry. I think if they can't get at least half from their favourite band then there's probably something wrong. :-P But yeah, wish I could post something like that, but, well, that's not my style. It's like having clowns at an opera. :-P Great idea though, thanks. ♥ Also, Goo Goo Dolls are pretty alsum. :3

from feebriel :

Apartment hunting sucks. That's a given. x.x I do not envy you in the least. As for work, well, that's not gonna be easy, either. And post-university education? Can't that decision wait for a while? Honestly I think you should get your teaching certifications, but that really can wait. And boys suck, that's a given. We've been through all that, though. :-P Good luck with anything and everything. ♥

from feebriel :

It could be worse. You could have cancer. You could be paralyzed from the waist down. :-P Be thankful that you feel halfway decent most of the time, and think of this as a subtle reminder of how you're better off than a lot of people. :3 I would give you a "Get Well Soon" card, but that would be silly. "Get Well NOW" would be more appropriate. ♥

from feebriel :

It was a very profound entry. I liked it. What can I say? ;3

from pandionna :

Howdy! I stumbled upon your diary by clicking around and wanted to give you props for your Valentine's Day entry. I don't write here anymore (I'm on LJ and, in a watered down version, on Blogspot), but thought I'd say hi and delurk, as I like your writing.

from feebriel :

Hey, I hope you don't mind, but I posted a link to your Valentine's Day journal on mine. I gave you full credit, don't worry. I agree with you completely, and it's so well said. Much lurve. ♥

from feebriel :

I have back issues as well, but I've found certain stretching and exercising helps me. I dunno what routines you go through for your issues, but I'm glad they're working. :3 � Really, I think you should move in with another girl. I hate to say this, but being happy shouldn't be your top priority. I know, cold of me to say, but at least I'm aware of it. What's important is getting yourself good grades, and you don't need the influence of multiple testosterone-infested morons distracting you from that. You'll probably find yourself happier in that regard. You'll also have some companionship with another girl. She's likely been in a similar situation as you, so you can relate. � As for your cat, I'd suggest taking him to see a vet. When was the last time he went? Cats should probably go at least once a year, anyways, just for a general checkup. If it hasn't been quite a year yet, then shift the date ahead a little bit. So what if it's been eight or ten months, better to be safe than sorry. � Yes. Come work in Toronto. Then we could visit each other. Hell knows I could use another (or at least one) person to talk to around here who isn't a complete raging idiot. :-P Lurve and pants. ♥

from feebriel :

No matter how you feel about yourself, there will always be at least one person who thinks you're beautiful. It's not a good or a bad thing, it's just how it ish. You should always feel good about yourself, though, and how you appear to others, because you ish unique, and you is beautiful. ♥ And no, not hitting on you or anythin'. On a side note, I was actually under he impression that you were a guy up until this point. I think I'm sorta losin' my touch. Ah, whatevs. XP ♥

from devils-rose :

Found your journal completely by an accidental click in the "recent public entries" box. I read your five most recent entries...you sound like me, in a way. I hope everything works out for you.

from feebriel :

Yeah, only a quarter. That means, on a budget of about three dollars (plus doctor's fees, if you're in the States) you can do shopping cart jousts. Life is just too great, ain't it? And 'cuz there's no one stealing them, there are plenty of carts when things go awry. ;3

from erases :

let your hair down girl, there are many people that are bound to notice you..

from ballygrit :

you struck a chord that has helped - reminded me that across time and space and age I do have things in common with others even if just feeling out of step right now. thanks

from erases :

thanks. i think we both wear our hearts on our sleeves.

from feebriel :

We all run into tough times in our lives. I'm kinda sorta in the same situation you're in, with exes in bad situations trying to contact me. Like you, we didn't end things on good terms, and haven't spoken in quite some time. What keeps me from dealing with them is the fact that, in the time we've been apart, we've both felt a lot of pain. But whenever I needed help and support, where were they? And then they have the gall to come and talk to me? It's like some bad sitcom, really. The only thing you should feel really sorry about is the cat. But placing all the remains of a relationship on a cat, I dunno...Doesn't seem very fair to the kitty. Kitties are quite sensitive of these sorts of things. Anyways, things happen, and your exes shouldn't expect you to feel bad for them. Chances are they're feeling bad enough for themselves and at least five other people. It's up to you what you do, but don't do anything that will make you miserable in the long run, and similarly, though on a slightly different note, try not to do anything stupid. Even though it may be more fun. :-P If you don't learn from your mistakes and keep making them, though, I will just have to go there with an inflatable mallet and thwap ya on the head a few times. Silleh. :-P Overthinking things can be good, but, and this is only my opinion and can be ignored, you may very well be overthinking the wrong things. Don't worry too much about the individuals, but focus on the experiences themselves with them. That may help you decide just what you should do. ...Or make you realize that I'm an idiot who's talkin' out his ass, whatever, what's important is if ya feel better. I don't mind playin' the dancing monkey. ;3

from feebriel :

You should always keep a little notebook and a needle on you. Why a needle? Because it it smaller than a pen. Prick your finger, and start writing. ...Or you can use a pen, whatever. XP There are ways around the lack of technology in some cases, we've just become far too complacent with it to actually do anything about it. :-P � Good luck wif your dream guy. :3!

from feebriel :

Funny, when people look at someone else who is realistic, and is truthful about the world around them, they're seen as miserable. When they act according to how they feel about it, they're a jerk. Don't let how other people look at you get you down. Never bother with the thoughts and animosity of those who don't understand you, of those who are quite content living their lives as braindead fools. That said, you could probably just disregard this. :-P Just know that you're not the only one who feels that way. :-P ♥

from fuschiashock :

hi.

from feebriel :

If you do anything for any given period of time, you're bound to get bored of it. Being with people, or being alone, chatting on the phone, surfing the internet, it'll all lead to boredom. And we all understand that on some levels. It's wy some people are so fickle about what it is they're doing in life. hey get bored. � But hey, if you're really bored, I could use some of my not-so-cheesy pick-up lines. You know, just to break up the monotony. XP Sorry, I just had to. ;3 � Hope your week picks up. Even if it doesn't, hope you don't feel too bad about it. :3

from harlemrain :

I wanted to thank you for the comment when I was having a very fragile day. I don't think it's strange to feel relieved or even comforted in a way to find out other people are just as lonely as you are, if anything it can feel like a sign that maybe something in this feeling is somewhat normal. Haha and yes being trampled by a moose sounds like a perfect way to go.

from feebriel :

There's no such thing as fate, or signs of things to come that aren't blatant. (Like a stop sign, or a road closed sign. Signs of the times are kinda debatable.) People use those things as an excuse to justify the bad choices in their lives. If you decide to act on emotions that may have gone stale, I hope you put a lot of thought into what you're doing. And if things go sour, heaven forbid, so long as you take responsibility for what's happened, and you learn from it, then there's nothing really bad about it. Also, I am writing this mildly hung over. Feel free to disregard all this.

from feebriel :

School is meant to teach you. That is a given. There are plenty of different subjects, but underneath all that, it's meant to teach you to be just like everyone else. they say they embrace individuality, but student life just doesn't allow for that. School is designed to program you to stifle what makes you different, and forces you to act in a "socially acceptable manner." That, and putting up with all the fucking idiots at school can be pretty depressing. I mean, it's not only depressing to have to deal with them, but to watch them try to succeed when they obviously have the IQ of a bran muffin...That's just sad. Like a car accident happening in slow motion. Anyways, you're likely depressed 'cuz you're different from them, who can be content in their obliviousness. Maybe. I dunno, I'm just throwing that out there, that's why I was always down when I went back to school. :-P Anywizzy, hope you're feelin' bettah. Don't let yourself get too down, life is so much better when you can laugh at people's misery, especially your own. ;3

from feebriel :

You're lucky to die before thirteen. Then you don't have to put up with all the fucktards in public school, nor do you have to go through all the mental deprogramming afterwards with regards to having to fit in and be like everyone else. Also, there are no numbers attached to anything over 21 'cuz by then, we're grown-ups now. It's our turn to decide what that means. Ref: http://www.xkcd.com/150/ Enjoy your pants. :3

from feebriel :

Regardless, you're gonna be beating yourself up over it. Why not go the route that proves you have integrity? This guy is not the be all and end all of your life, so don't act like he is. Tell him to go die in a fire and move on, since that's the only way you'll get any satisfaction out of the situation. Eventually, it'll come easier to you, and you'll realize that you don't have to feel bad for acting harsh towards someone like that, nor do you need him to feel happy. Just don't think about it too much, and try your best to enjoy your life. That's what's most important, not deliberating with yourself whether or not you did the right thing not going to see that guy. :-P

from feebriel :

So you're regretting not doing something you didn't want to do in the first place? Regret is a horrible thing, especially if it's unfounded. It's a slippery slope, really. You would ask yourself the same questions if you decided to go, the only difference being you would feel even worse about giving in. � ...Lemme tell you a story. Once, there was this really confused boy. There was little that he wanted in the world, except to be held, and told that he was loved. It took some forays into the darker side of life to find this person. While he was off being a prostitute one night, he found one guy who actually seemed like he cared about him. Imagine that. This boy stopped charging him to do things. One night, when he refused to do anything because he was just plain tired from school, he was told that he would only be loved if the guy could have his way with him. � And that's how it was for a while. The guy got more and more aggressive, and things just got worse. But there was always the allure that maybe, just maybe, there was someone who might care for them. What did it matter that he abused him night and night again? He was loved. � It took the boy a while to realize he was just being used for kinky sex. Even after it dawned on him, he refused to do anything. And you know why? You guessed it, because he felt like he was loved. � People are very spiteful, very destructive creatures. Those of us who can craft any set of words to sound pleasurable to anyone are the worst. Believe me, I fall into this category. Take whatever you want from this story, I'm sure it'll be of use to you. Whatever the case may be, I'm with ya, I know what it's like. And if ya need anyone to talk to, well, ya know where I am. Don't let things in the past get you down, just look forward to the upsets that are bound to happen in he future. Don't get your hopes up or anything. � 'Cuz, you know, me trying to cheer someone up, that's not like me at all. If my attempts to crush your soul somehow HELP you though, well, I'll consider my attempts failed and move right along. I DO have an image to uphold. ;3

from reckon-this :

Thanks for favoriting me. :) I like your style of writing -- I always like people that aren't afraid to speak (or at least type) the truth. And, incidentally, as someone who's trying to learn how not to bite the hand that feeds me -- maybe the reason "he" infuriates you so much is BECAUSE he can see the real you. When you've spent a long time feeling isolated, and finally given up hoping for someone to notice who you really are, having someone actually do it can be a frightening thing. Just my two cents. :)

from feebriel :

Is okay. I'll be your friend. <3 Also, the fuzzy ones are planning your fuzzy death. Be wary.

from feebriel :

It's kinda hard to walk away from someone who has helped you through the rough times, huh? Even if they've said or done things to hurt you. If ever there's anything you can do for someone like that, you should probably do it. It' things like that that makes the world a better place, little by little. � Not everyone was cut out to be alone, you should never force yourself into isolation unless it's somethin' you can handle. Go help this guy, since you'll probably both feel better about things in the end. And I guess if ya need any support, or anything, not that you do, of course, then I'll be around. >.> :3 Good luck mew. ♥

from feebriel :

An entire page for notes for you? A little narcissistic, aren't we? :-P Anyways, you don't have to thank someone for things they want to do, or things they can't help doing. People think it shows them appreciation, but it just makes that person feel as though they may have only been doing it for the praise. For some people that's fine, but not for me. � Keep me posted as to what's happening, should you feel like it. As you can tell, I'm readily available most anytime to chat about Christmas hate or about certain annoying somebodies.

from feebriel :

It's normal to talk about someone like that. Every so often there are people that are like that, you know. It's a humbling experience to have people see right through you, and I should know...Regardless, what will you do? Some people would count their blessings to have someone like that around; like a sounding board, a way to adjust themselves, learn more about themselves. Certainly, it's frustrating, however, everything can be considered a learning experience, whether it be pleasurable or not. Rather than feeling upset about the ordeal, step back and look at it another way. � Also, Christmas does suck, and I hate just about everything about it. I yell about it in my diary, if you haven't read it yet. :-P � Anyways, it is not too often that I say this, but I am interested by all of this. I'll not butt in and leave you any random notes anymore regarding this matter, but should you wish to talk to anyone about all of this, feel free to throw me an e-mail. It's not too often an interesting person meanders about right in front of me, after all. ;3

from feebriel :

Hehe, do you think you can live with him? Do you think you can live without him? I wonder? In the end, what does it matter, since you'll likely be miserable with him around or with him gone? Why not just make the best of it, whoever "he" is? When faced with these sorts of situations, people are silly. I think you can see through all that's around you. You're not like others, you actually have the potential to be happy regardless of what's happening around you. � I just wonder what it'll take to make ya realize that? It could very well be this. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, after all. So then, what other options are left? I can't really tell you what you should do, but I'm certain you'll figure it out soon enough.

from erases :

not pathetic: human. and if you weren't human, then you'd be a lot worse off.

from feebriel :

I can't leave comments on your journals, so I guess I'll throw this here. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. It's actually fairly normal, and signifies a crossroad of sorts. You know how he makes you feel, and you want to know why. I don't know to whom you are referring, but it could very well be that you like them, but know that only frustration will come of being with them. Since I don't know the whole story, I can't say just what should be done, but I can safely say that Whatever you do should be done as soon as you feel you're ready, whether it be to do what you can to get over him, or try and make things work out, one way or another. The longer you leave it, the more it will hurt, and the more wrapped up in those emotions you'll get. I should know, I was like that with one of my ex boyfriends, as well. Anyways, what is most important is that, through all this, you appreciate the good times. If it weren't for things like this, we would take our happiness for granted. This is just going to equate to a text wall, and, for most people, I wouldn't even give them the time of day for that, but I think...Well...You know. I just want ya to get through things. :3

from feebriel :

Crap. Apparently line breaks don't work in notes. Gah. There was supposed to be more structure to my last comment. Sorry 'bout that. XP

from feebriel :

This is with regards to your Dec. 6th entry, as I dun' have time to read any others at the moment. :-P Being anti-social is a good thing. If you think about it long enough, it's because you see how you're different from everyone else. You're sensitive, and can't handle the stimuli of everyday interaction. Honestly, I used to be the exact same way. Then, I found that actively manipulating people into hating me, and then preferably making them miserable enough to kill themselves and/or others, is a great way to combat the issue of not wanting to get out of bed. I have something to look forward to now. :3 If that doesn't work for you, why not stop caring about other people? The moment you stop caring about how you interact with others is the moment when you feel enlightened, and, well, free. You have no reason to be nice, or mean to them. You just do what you want to do, and do whatever you have to to make it happen. Or, if none of the above makes you feel any better, every second of every day of your life, you can picture the people around you bursting into flames. Depending on how much you like them, you can make said flames as large as you want. Make them green, if you want. Whatever works for you. Above all, have fun in EVERYTHING you do, regardless of how miserable of a prospect it may be. Instead of getting all mopey and miserable, you can put that energy into making yourself happy, and maybe making everyone around you miserable. :-P Once you realize that people choose to be unhappy, and unhappiness doesn't eke them out and latch onto them, the world is a much brighter place. Perfect for sadistic people like me, and maybe you. I dunno. :-P Oh, and as a side note, your diary template's picture, I think it has these people in it: http://www.explodingdog.com/37svn/pants.gif Because, you know, pants are important. ;3 Have a nice day. ♥

from boxx9000 :

I graduated after 5 years with a multiple subject credential, a single subject credential in art, a BA in Liberal Arts, and minors in art history, studio art (printmaking emphasis) and a minor in Career Arts Management. I started university from scratch at age 42. I've been a employed as an art, language, science and history teacher for the past 6 years. GOOD LUCK!

from bchaos :

My thanks for your kind words regarding my blogs/rantings. I often forget people even read my sh!t. My thanks once again, it means a lot to me! :-)

from tater-fay :

I started reading some of your entries and find that we have a lot in common: love of cats, spending a lot of time alone...I'll be reading more:)

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