messages to lunarsea:
(click here to add new message):
| from lostasyou : |
| Thank you :) |
| from lostasyou : |
| I feel the same about the weight thing, ha. I'm about 5 foot 8 or 9 and weighed 140lbs last time I checked.. I get scared about looking haha. The tall height doesn't really make it very noticeable but you still feel like a whale sometimes.. I just drink and eat crap so my stomach is getting bigger, ugh! I wish I could stick to a diet or even some simple exercise. |
| from stepfordtart : |
| Its really not a problem - I brought it up after all! I sent a very long "final communication" type letter about a year or so ago, but it didnt do any good. He's bonkers but ultimately relatively harmless...which is just as well, as the local police say they cant do anything unless he actually harms me! Astonishing, isnt it? Sometimes I just ignore him as 'engaging' just seems to make things worse but if Im feeling grumpy (or Im a bit drunk!) then he might inadvertently get a metaphorical 'both barrels' - Im not so much of a lady that I am beyond shouting "FUCK OFF, YOU FREAK!" down the phone! s x |
| from stepfordtart : |
| Haha! Although, I guess I shouldnt be joking about stalkers, huh? http://stepfordtart.diaryland.com/070312_59.html He's still around, btw - I got a letter from him about two months ago. Thats 14 years or so by my reckoning! Anyways, thanks for reading, I really do appreciate it. s x |
| from stepfordtart : |
| Hey! Thanks for the add! Is it you who's been strolling through my archives....or *gasp* do I have a stalker?? heehee. s x |
| from lostasyou : |
| Mm I know, it sucks doesn't it? Ha. You wouldn't believe how many times I've had him "leave me" recently. It does get to be very annoying and it's a joke. I just have to.. Dunno. I don't want to make it all official yet, 'cos it hurts. Stalling it for a bit now. Got to take the plunge sooner or later though. |
| from lostasyou : |
| HAHA I don't write well at all! I just ramble a lot. At least I don't write so much anymore, I used to in an old diary, bleugh. I am meaning to read more diaries on here lately but I am slacking, I will get round to it. Agggggh yeah I was thinking "is that really necessary? I don't care about your unattractive t-shirt you're wearing enough to moan at you, so why do you feel the need to moan about my cigarette?" |
| from lostasyou : |
| Haha! Yeah I was seriously considering it until I actually read more about it.. Good God no, not for me thanks. I am really drawn to this one called Mercilon, apparently it really helps. I'm just a bit confused right now because it's a 21 day pill or something, you need 7 days without it.. I am a bit simple so wrapping my head around it is taking some time. Anyway, I'll be asking the nurse for another pill tomorrow.. No implants or injections, ugh. |
| from starzero : |
| you already said what i would have told you, so instead i'll offer my empathy. i've been torn between too loves/lives and i've poisoned my relationships with infidelity. i've had to choose and i've had trouble feeling i made the right choice. recently i've finally learned that these mistakes and decisions contribute to my improvement. more experience allows me to make better decisions. what you have been through will aid you in future situations. you will know what to do better next time. you will be equipped to make the right choice. growth is valuable. i cannot tell you how to get over the past or move on, only that it fades with time. i've only been able to get over my broken hearts by surviving through the next one. i'm on the way up now, and maybe this time i have it right. it sounds as though you do too. |
| from starzero : |
| if you ever want to chat, i'm always somewhere. |
| from starzero : |
| i know how that feels. i'm still recovering from this summer's back trouble. hope you get better soon. |
| from starzero : |
| sounds chemical. for a while i thought i was going to that place, where you are. but i pulled out of that tailspin. i can't say what did it, though i can't credit the meds. i think having a routine and a stable present helped. i've always been good at being at x place by y time, and going from there. to school, to job, to wherever. plus, at my age, i'd end up on the street otherwise. the thing is, they may laugh at you, you may fuck up everything, but it doesn't matter. that shit is unimportant. you are better than it. i know just saying isn't enough. i know it's tough to go to the mirror every morning and recite a litany of things that are good, because you struggle to believe them, but whatever it takes you have to do it. life only gets better if you make it so. everyone can get fucked, because you have the power to make it so. and sam, sam's a saint for being there, and what you can't do for yourself maybe you can do for him. because being crazy is no fun. this isn't much help, i'm sorry, but i believe in you. i hope that's something. |
| from life4rent : |
| how come you decided to return? miss the words too much? thats why i've come back. when the world around me is a mess this place seems to help. i'm not sure i'll ever understand my feelings right now but i hope i can make a little sense of them. <3 |
| from life4rent : |
| thanks for the add <333 |
| from emeraldtiger : |
| wow...happy for you! take care, xo, |
| from arajane : |
| i had been wondering lately where you went. i am so so so happy to see you so so so happy. you certainly are a lovely lady and deserve all the loveliness the world has to give! |
| from starzero : |
| nice to see you again. we like smiles. |
| from starzero : |
| frankly, i prefer sanity to moping panic. i can be miserable. it's the doing well part i enjoy. |
| from starzero : |
| how do i get in? |
| from raven72d : |
| I'll check in from time to time... |
| from raven72d : |
| Have you vanished? Just when I discovered reading you? |
| from emeraldtiger : |
| hi, thanks for listing me! i hope all of the changes and transitions in your life go smoothly. you write very beautifully. PS: i inherently know about synesthesia. |
| from turd-89 : |
| yah i know! i'm well happy!!! the novelty of being able to access the internet from my bedroom still hasn't worn off but i'm thinking it's only a matter of time now. what have you been up to dearie? when does art college start for you? you'll fit right in there - i can see you and the art scene going together perfectly! |
| from starzero : |
| as if i have one? |
| from turd-89 : |
| sorry i took ages to reply to your lovely note. i have actually checked out those toasters - they're awesome! also yellow is a happy colour which is very important. tonight i'm feeling a tad more optimistic about things in general. you're right. facebook is a good way of keeping in touch with people. are you going to reading this year?xxx |
| from turd-89 : |
| lmao @ dude! urgh hopefully we all won't be dudes in that case. yeaaah i think i'll be going to erocktion cos i haven't seen you in ages! |
| from turd-89 : |
| aw i always enjoyed our common room chats - it was good to rant and moan about the injustices of the world together! thanks for your message bex - made me smile :)i too also go off on one on my diary - it's the best place to do it so you get it out of your system and don't sound completely mental telling everyone about your problems!good luck for thurs - i still remember seeing you for last year's results in your state of shock at doing waaay better than you expected! |
| from starzero : |
| i don't have time to get in depth, but we are frighteningly similar. except i don't smoke. and i've outgrown a lot of those negative feelings. buried them under this pretense of stability. and i'm getting old. |
| from turd-89 : |
| you put yourself down far too much. it's weird when someone else sees someone's situation from a different angle. i know when you look at your own situation, things are usually magnified but i want to tell you some things to help you to restore faith in yourself. you're not a slut- it's clear from talking to you - you're just confused with things. and you're lovely, clever and talented. you shouldn't be so harsh on yourself. you're anthony's loss - it's not because of you being somehow deficient as a person which is what you always seem to think. it's obvious to everyone else that you deserve much much better. |
| from starzero : |
| i like your stories, and your entries. they take some time to get inside, but once i'm there i don't want to leave. |
| from pitter-pat : |
| thank you <3 |
| from starzero : |
| reading, all i can say is time and patience will make this better. if you ever want to chat or talk online, i'm happy to. i like to pretend i'm helpful, but as you'll find it's not always so. |
| from starzero : |
| i always thought summer reads were supposed to be light and fluffy. casual and easy. i don't view my writing in that light. i don't think of myself as something to flip through on the beach, half ignoring the words. but ok, read me all summer. read me again and again. and do me a favor, if you have the time. let me know if any links don't work. some to images are lost, so i can't do anything about it, but others i can try to fix. |
| from turd-89 : |
| i think it's weird when my mum acts all indifferent - it would be nice for her to show a bit more emotion but i guess my neurotic self would find that bit claustrophobic anyway. i should just be more content with everything. positive thinking and all that. bex - i really think you should be a writer. i love the way you write. |
| from starzero : |
| you are just being silly. that doesn't mean you are wrong. -- these things pass, though, so eventually your head will be filled with someone/thing else. there are worse things to obsess about. |
| from turd-89 : |
| that happens to the best of us. it's this weird time when people expect us to be sure of ourselves and know what we're doing and sometimes all that responsibility life stuff actually has the opposite effect. i know when i'm nervous about scary growing up stuff, i tend to revert back to a childhood state and act immature and stupid. don't go over how you acted bex... everyone makes mistakes and acts stupid at some point. and it's probably worse than you imagine - just the fact that you're so cut up about it now means you truly regret your actions and there's nothing more you can do.if it's any consolation, i seem to be doing that a lot lately - don't feel alone! i need a new start too - either that or just a fresh positive outlook on life - it's a bummer that i'm a pessimist by nature. but i'm really hoping that things have a way of working out. cheesy but maybe you have to go through the bad to appreciate the good things that will come laterxx |
| from starzero : |
| yeah, i'd like that too. |
| from starzero : |
| i wrote more than i thought. i only mean to help, and to say that it will get better. you'll come to realize this is a growing phase, and when you're through it life will be better. if you stick with it. and please, don't give up. i hate when i do. |
| from starzero : |
| you know you're crazy, right? you know that the obsession with being inadequate, and that something you do will magically make it all better, is nuts, yeah? (i've been the same way, and i've seen worse days) you should know that dreams of impossible romance lead only to depression and disaster. you should know that believing you're unloveable makes it true. you should know that you're lying to yourself. (i do it all the time) it doesn't have to be like this. i'm not qualified to make it better, but someone out there is. someone professional. no relationship, no kitty, no change of clothing is going to fix this. you have to go deep down inside and tear out the roots of the problem. or simply stay alive another five or ten years. when you're out of school and closing in on 30 you'll see how much you were overreacting. keep going. i won't say it gets better, but it does change. |
| from errantnights : |
| i hope i cut myself shaving tomorrow. i hope it bleeds all day long. |
| from breathe-salt : |
| thank you <3 |
| from starzero : |
| i don't generally look how i imagine either. it's somewhat disappointing, but sometimes a good thing. always surprising myself. |
| from starzero : |
| never let anyone hold you back. live without regret. [guilt is for suckers] |
| from sorrowshadow : |
| For the same reason, i've never committed to any relationship. I think you should carry on, and deal with the anxiety at the same time. If he cares, he cares...right? |
| from sorrowshadow : |
| are you ohjetsabel? can i have your password in that case? you can email to me: [email protected] :)) |
| from starzero : |
| you're insecure and you think a lot--it may even feel like too much--but there's nothing wrong with that. nothing disgusting about it. what i have a problem with is your desire to be a better girlfriend for him. that is disgusting. you should instead be a better person for yourself. work out your insecurities, work out your constant analysis, work out your faults and foibles. what can you do better to make yourself happier? do not, however, base any of this on what other people want. you have to be true to yourself, or you will never have anyone's respect. he won't love you if you're just a puppet, if you're just a blank page for him to write on. you have to assert yourself or he'll continue to neglect you. and if he leaves anyway, then you're better off. you are more important than anyone else. |
| from starzero : |
| sex is a dangerous trap. what are you getting out of this? |
| from starzero : |
| paranoid insecure nutcases are my specialty. in all seriousness, relax. take a deep breath. don't think about what is going on. ask him simple, open questions that get to the core of your worries. if you're this paranoid now, then you are serious about the relationship. it's not fair, or healthy, to either of you to be secretly serious. you're playing a game here, when you should be open and honest. i know it's scary to be vulnerable, and to express your feelings when you're worried the other may not share them. i know it's difficult to take the risk of rejection that may cost you the thing you think you want. what i can tell you is my paranoia got me trapped in bad, obsessive, dependent relationships. my struggle to be honest and up front about my feelings has lead to some rocky times in my present relationship, but is also the source of it's strength. we're still together because we're honest and we can work on our problems because of it. |
| from starzero : |
| open, open, open. my only response is communicate. tell him how you feel. try to do it in a calm, rational manner, and tell him you expect open communication from him as well. don't ask the internet ether what he feels, ask him. second guessing yourself, your relationship, and him won't get you anywhere. if you don't have answers, get them. they won't come on their own. -- this is my own experience talking. living paranoid in my head only dug deeper holes of despair. it never got me what i wanted, never gave me any understanding of other people. |
| from starzero : |
| lost where? |
| from starzero : |
| everything is fantasy. |
| from sparklytears : |
| oh i am so glad it is you! thankyou, love. |
| from sparklytears : |
| how did you find my diary? |
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