messages to luxelady:
(click here to add new message):

from lovelynight :
Sorry for mostly disappearing from dland. I mostly retreated off to blogger these days as I see you have. See you there.
from writergrrl88 :
I friended you on LJ.
from writergrrl88 :
What's your LJ screenname?
from enurta :
too bad you're leaving...lot of people seem to do that these days...I'm going to miss you :(
from writergrrl88 :
I do still read you. Thank you for supplying the new info -- I'd miss you if you just disappeared from here. I'm at LJ now, and if you have even the most basic LJ account, I'd be happy to grant you access.
from fat0free0air :
:) I need to get my shit together like NOW
from anainsight :
give me your e-mail like this - name (at) yahoo (dot) com and I will send you the new password.
from fat0free0air :
Chick! I feel your pain! I drink way too much, especially lately. I feel like drinking plays a part in most parts of my social life, but I seem to convince myself having a drink will make any time a little better. I wish it wasn't so! You are so strong to be able to stay on the straight and narrow. I admire the shit out of you babe :)
from writergrrl88 :
No, you should updated more often -- it's good to keep records, and to let those of us who care know what's going on. *hugs*
from fat0free0air :
I miss you chick! <3
from fat0free0air :
Thanks I needed that :) You're too lovely for words
from skinny--girl :
Hey girl! Sorry it's been so long. Anyway, the friend thing sounds weird. Reminds me of the movie where the roommate starts to copy everything - do you remember it? I can't think of the title. Maybe back away from the friendship slowly? Your first trial should be a good enough excuse. Congrats on that too, btw!! You will do great, I know it. Happy new Year!
from anainsight :
Hey hon - how sweet of you to think of me! I'm doing fine - I have just been SO busy with holiday preparations, sewing classes, and my music that I just haven't had time to update in a while. I hope you're doing well, and I hope you have a very Merry Christmas. Thinking of you and sending a great big ol' hug from way down here in Georgia.
from lovelynight :
:(
from fat0free0air :
I give a fuck :)
from amour-fonce :
Hi there -- I found your diary through Blue Dragonfly. :) Just thought I'd let you know I wasn't just some random person adding you to my favorites.
from anainsight :
Hi luxe, I am SO sorry I haven't written to you lately - it's been CRAZY around here. I am SO proud of you for getting back up quickly and not going all the way back to the beginning - just brush yourself off and keep going. Remember to write if you need anything - you are in my thoughts and prayers. (((Big Hugs from Georgia)))
from fat0free0air :
congrats on 9 weeks! xoxo
from enurta :
sweetie, it's just in your head. you are skinny. the doctor did that to see how sick you really are. sorry if I've offended you but I just wish you could see how you REALLY look. i care about you so much.
from skinny--girl :
I'm sorry, hon. I hope you feel better soon. Dr. SG says: Go get a massage! - R
from emaciana :
it's so not about bloodwork. my bw is almost normal and look at where i ended up... please take good care. xoxo
from anainsight :
(((Hugs))) Thank you so much for thinking of my sweet Kika... I know she's up at the Rainbow Bridge playing with all her new friends. She's made so many new friends! When she was here on Earth, she didn't have a lot of animal friends because she wasn't good with other dogs - she was so insanely jealous and possessive of me that she couldn't get along with other animals. Being at the Bridge has changed that, I know. Thanks so much for remembering - and Rosie sends kisses!!!
from enurta :
Fasting is very spiritual, I used to fast on water for 10 days a couple of times a year a couple of years ago. But I stopped doing it because of meds I have to take that can seriously harm my body if I do not eat at all. So I understand your entry�completely. But be careful, try to drink lots of tea! Just take care of yourself. And if you are underweight you might pass out or something, of course, you do not care�because I know where you are. I�ve been there. But I�m just saying, please be careful. I don't want you to get hurt.
from skinny--girl :
ok, i just read your entry. who in the hell tells someone with an ED to "watch her weight?" sorry, but, that's a wtf moment if ever there was one. did he do it to be nasty? to pick a fight? or is it like that narcissist article where the only kind of girl he sees himself with is someone underweight? ug. grrrr. blah. words don't express how angry that makes me. do you like running? why give it up? aren't there joint supplements out there you could take? don't give up something you love just to starve. be strong. ((((HUGS))))
from skinny--girl :
thank you so much for the note. i needed that.
from anainsight :
I wish you knew how much I understand about your not wanting to be seen. I feel the same way. In fact, I've started turtling in the house just so nobody will see my huge, fat, bloated, beached whale of a body. As for sex? Forget it - number one, nobody would want me and number two, I would run and hide. So I totally understand about how you don't like to be seen. Thinking of you and sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Ok, he really shouldn't have said anything about your weight. If you were overweight, a lot, maybe. And he'd need to say it differently. Something like "I think this is unhealthy, we can start doing things together that's good for us." And you do NOT have to be underweight to be 'good enough'. Ok? Please don't think that. :( I'm also sorry that you felt the need to cut, and that you did it. :( *hugs*
from anainsight :
It'll be OK - just cry it out for tonight and then concentrate on the future and getting better. Thinking of you and sending you Many Hugs.
from enurta :
why? what happened? xxx
from skinny--girl :
sorry your psych doc is gone hon. i'm here if you need to vent or talk, logging in everyday lately.
from skinny--girl :
that's a really good website. I spent way too much time on it tonight, and now it's already 2 am. :P but who am I kidding, I'm usually up till 4 anyway. hope you're doing well.
from skinny--girl :
OH. MY. GOD. (I can't even say anything more because I'm still wrapping my head around that article). I'll note more later.
from anainsight :
Les Berceaux was my very first Faure piece, I was only 17. I've been hooked ever since. We sang the Requiem for my spring concert that very same year and I was well and truly caught - I knew I would love choral music forever after that. Take care and Many Hugs!!!
from anainsight :
That's very interesting, luxe - but if the borderline enables the narcissist it must work the other way around, too - I mean, what goes around comes around, right? Sending you a great big hug and Rosie sends Puppy Kisses!
from enurta :
nobody is perfect. i learned that the hard way. you shouldn't hate yourself. as long as there are people who love you, and somebody YOU love...you are worthy. everyone loves someone, it can be a hamster, a cat, a sister, a brother, a parent, a friend...*hugs*
from skinny--girl :
I just figure, if Madonna can reinvent herself every few years, why can't we? I'm ready for a new me too, dear, but the old me has so much damn leverage. I just keep plugging away.
from anainsight :
Oh, luxe - please, please don't hate yourself. You are a beautiful person, so kind and understanding and thoughtful, and you're perfect just the way you are. You're perfect because God created you, and you are worthy, and God doesn't create junk. And you DON'T need to become someone else in order to be worthy. Please put those "garbage thoughts" right where they belong - in the garbage, and concentrate all that energy you're putting into self-hatred on becoming YOU - a you that loves you for what you are, just like I do. Sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia, and Rosie sends kisses!
from anainsight :
Yes, I loved the music - I was familiar with some of it but not all of it. Enjoying the book but haven't finished it. Don't "count down" the time till your new doctor comes; rather use the time to build yourself up and prepare for the unknown. I think that way when the last day does come you will be less sad and more determined. Sending you a great big hug from way down here in 90 degree Georgia heat!
from anainsight :
I just wanted to tell you that about 5 years ago, I lost who I thought was the best therapist I had ever had, under some very messy circumstances. I was devastated and I did everything I could for the next about nine months to sabotage my own treatment, until I realized what I was doing and stopped myself. After I was able to do that, I realized that the person they had put me with was not right for me, so I went out on my own and found my current therapist, and everything is going great except for the fact that I can't afford to see her more often. I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that just because your therapist is leaving, it's not necessarily the end of the world, and to encourage you to NOT give in to those urges that your mind has to self-sabotage because you have too many doubts. I want you to have enough faith in yourself to give this new person a chance - and don't think of this new person as a "big gun" in the psych world, rather as a person who's going to try to help you. If it's meant to be it will work out, just make sure you give it enough time and effort to know for sure. This is a GREAT opportunity for you to learn to quit self-sabotaging and grow. Please keep in touch with me and know that I am sending you a hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia. P.S. I KNOW I was supposed to send you something and I am working on it - it's just that my little toy poodle is so active and playful right now that she makes it nearly impossible for me to sew - just be patient and it will come to you, I promise! (((HUGS)))
from skinny--girl :
Congrats! A 5K, that's awesome.
from anainsight :
Please tell me that the girl who threatened to stab you was immediately arrested for assault. If they didn't arrest her I would be VERY careful. These groups allow too much illegal behavior in the name of "medical privacy". You watch your back, girl. Thanks for the note - e-mail me soon and let's talk! Lots of hugs from Georgia ((((Hugs and Rosie-kisses))))
from skinny--girl :
Hey girl! I'm back again, me always rolling in and out of Dland, flake that I am... I've caught up on your blog, and you've got some stuff going on! I'm so sorry to read about your little one. In those cases I don't think any decision is ever the "right" decision, but it sounds like you did what was best. (((HUGS))) I just looked up those Jem videos on Youtube and Oh My Goddess! Awesome! Who knew? I want to be Jem, like now.
from enurta :
I'm so sorry. But she is in a better place now, waiting for you! *hugs*
from anainsight :
Oh, Luxe - you made the kindest, bravest, most loving decision for your sweet Marilyn that you could - she knows that and she is grateful that you released her to go on her journey. Now she is healthy and happy and whole again at the Rainbow Bridge, playing with all the babies in the meadow, and waiting for the day when you will be reunited again. I hope this brings you some comfort and I invite you to come to www.rainbowsbridge.com if you need any more help dealing with this. ((((Hugs))))
from anainsight :
Please don't quit therapy, Luxe - I know it's hard, and it's sad and tough work, but you are so lucky - I used to see my therapist once a week and now I can only afford to see her once a month. As a result, I spent 2 weeks curled up in bed with the blinds closed. I'm only just now getting back into the world but with no reassurance that it won't happen again, because I don't have the proper support. Please, keep it up and let your therapist help you - and remember I am thinking of you and sending you tons of hugs from way down here in Georgia.
from anainsight :
Thank you so much for the wonderful present! It is so great - SOMEBODY remembered that it's my birthday! I sent you a card from American Greetings - please don't be afraid to open it, it's legit. That was so kind of you to send me all those nice things - and Rosiekins LOVES her poodle toy. You take care and let me hear from you soon, OK? (((Hugs)))
from anainsight :
I assume he's going to at least give you a referral to a new therapist? I hope so - preferably more than one referral so you can check them out. I wish you nothing but the best and am sending you a great big hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from anainsight :
I would be very interested to know all I could about the treatment - what is this guy's name and what is his method? I could do some research for you.... I hope you went and got out your Jem dolls and played with them for a good long time, honey - all I want is for you to be happy. Lots of love and a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from skinny--girl :
You can start over, dear. Whenever you want. We're all here ready to help you find happiness. I wonder if you can still buy Jem dolls. Goddess, I loved those things, and the cartoon! Do you remember the cartoon?
from skinny--girl :
Remember when we talked about redecorating our brains? I so totally wish we both could do that right now.
from enurta :
I'm so sorry those people did that to you. I've been taken advantage of too. not as much as you but...i know what you mean when you say you can't trust people. can you at least trust your husband? someone? I trust my husband completely, he is my best friend. i don't know what i would do if i didn't have him in my life. we all need someone we can trust. <3
from anainsight :
Luxe, I think if your DOCTOR said you needed treatment, there must be something in your EKG or blood tests that she's not telling you. As far as the money is concerned, I understand about that being a barrier, but you CAN work with them. When I went to treatment, I had only $1,200 to my NAME and they accepted that, and I stayed in treatment for nine weeks and aftercare for 19 weeks. Granted, this was 1995, but it was a huge sacrifice of time and money, but I have NEVER regretted it, and I haven't purged but two or three times in the intervening years. It's hard work - there's no sitting around "bemoaning" your eating disorder, and ED's come in all sizes - not just skinny 13-year-olds. Treatment is hard work and you have to dig in and really WORK on your issues. I also understand about the time commitment, but again, you can try to work with them - maybe take 2-3 weeks, then go at night? The crux of this message is, I think that it's possible to make your recovery a priority without having to go into the poor house or quit your job. I hope you'll at least THINK about it, because like I said, if your MEDICAL doctor says you should do it, then there's probably a reason. I love you and I would HATE for anything to happen to you. Sending you a great big hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from skinny--girl :
thank you for the note. it seems like we're all going through tough times. i hope you and hubby are hanging in there together. ((((HUGS)))
from sapphire02 :
Just coming to check on you. We just went through the same thing. In the last 3 years we moved out of California and back again...that's three moves. All because of bing laid off from jobs. I know exactly how you are feeling. As far as the previous post. Hang in there sweetie. I have a friend who committed suicide two weeks ago. I would not want to learn that you hurt yourself too.
from anainsight :
I want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! So many people are being laid off and they are all facing the same struggles. Me included - I have less than $400.00 to last until March 1st. So please don't feel like you are alone. I am here if you need to talk - sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from zoerouge :
thank you so much!
from lovelynight :
You should talk to your doctor about what is going on. Take care. I wish you well.
from anainsight :
Luxe, honey - it seems like you are having these dreams because you are thinking about it, and that's never a good thing. Please be sure to mention it to your doctor, and please don't do anything to yourself on purpose - I would be horribly sad. I know things seem dark right now, but I just can't help thinking you will find your way out of the dark. Sending you a great big hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from enurta :
it seems like she wants attention from you. she obviously doesn't deserve it. just ignore her. you are not a bad daughter. my dad says those things to me all the time, i don't care. you shouldn't either. *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
Yes, you can still read me. I will send you an invite to your email address right now. And we can still exchange letters as long as we don't talk about ED stuff. Fair? :)
from ethereal-red :
I'm sorry, Luxe. I had to delete my old blog, delete some facebook friends, and change my email address so I could distance myself from the online ED community. I am making this choice to further my own recovery.
from enurta :
you are pushing yourself too hard :(
from illusionless :
I hope you accomplish all of your goals for this year. I wish you luck hun. ^^
from skinny--girl :
ooooo....ouch. that's a chunck of change. but it's just money, and you were honest. as for your MD - did she get her medical license in mexico? or maybe online? or at the mall? wtf?? oh, my, on to the new year!
from lovelynight :
http://kawaiitanpopo.blogspot.com/
from illusionless :
Thank you for the birthday wishes. :) I'm sorry I haven't been writing you letters lately. In the new year when my life is back on track after this long hiatus I want to start writing to you frequent again. It will happen. Happy new year to you and I hope you get the credit issue sorted out too. Good luck.
from writergrrl88 :
I'm so sorry to hear that and hope he's understanding about it. *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
Wow. When I read your post, my eyes got HUGE. That's a shitload of money. I hope things work out and that you guys are able to pay it off. Was it all impulsive spending? I'm so glad I don't have a credit card. I'd be royally fucked if I did! I would just spend and spend when I get that impulsivity going, and thus ruin my credit rating b/c I wouldn't be able to make the payments.
from enurta :
your MD is so stupid. you shouldn't listen to her. and btw, you have rights. nobody has permission to weigh you unless you say so. are you underweight? if not, then you don't need to get check-ups if you don't want to. nobody can force you. you are the one in charge. remember that. *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
Hi... sorry your medical doctor is such a fucking idiot. I mean, really. I don't think she knows a THING about ED's! I sent you a handmade Christmas card in the mail, I hope you get it soon. I promise to write to you more often, I know I've been sucking at that majorly. Sorry. :( So yeah. Watch your mail for the card!
from skinny--girl :
hi doll, i poke around here now and again, but i've figured out how to privatize my blog on WP, so thar I be. Aside from you and a few other bloggers, I've grown tired of D-land, I'm afraid. Blah. Plus, my life has been boring as well. Later, R
from illusionless :
I've noticed a drastic decrease in updates on my list too. I think it could be the season, with Christmas coming everyone is crazy busy or maybe it's the weather kinda makes you feel blah and uninspired to write sometimes. That's my assumption. I hope people start updating more frequently soon or some new people show up. I don't think you've missed anything. I know my diary has been boring lately but once school starts in January it should hopefully change. You're journal is always interesting you are my first read whenever I see that you've updated. Keep it up girl! :)
from ethereal-red :
Hey, I hope you had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was okay. My list of favorites has largely stopped updating, too.
from anainsight :
you are NOT being left alone - don't ever think that!
from anainsight :
Happy Belated Birthday, hon - I'm so sorry I missed it, I was out of town! Also sorry I haven't updated for so long, but I finally have. I hope you're doing well and I PROMISE that the minute I can take my eyes off Rosie long enough to sew, I will get to finishing that project for you. Many hugs and Blessings and a Happy Thanksgiving to you.
from signyvolson :
sorry the replys taken so long. Yes I would definately haul my ass up there! we are going to NY anyway so it shouldn't be too far out of my way. It would be amazing. I may even be granted permission to know your real first name lol. my email address is [email protected] (I was young, don't judge) if you have any qus or anything :)
from illusionless :
Happy belated birthday.
from lovelynight :
Happy belated birthday, luxe. I'm sorry to hear that it wasn't a very happy birthday. I hope that you feel better. Take care.
from skinny--girl :
hi luxe! how are you dear? i've just caught up with your journal. congrats on the therapy breakthrough! i know how you feel about the being in front of people thing. these past few days have been hard for me. i feel like a big fat worthless blob with no direction. i was exercising daily before the wedding, then i caught the cold from hell and stopped. how do i motivate to start again? to start anything? please tell me they teach you some magical motivational words to say to be a fitness instructor. ooops, somehow this became about me. sorry. congrats on your AA adventures, too, for having the courage to go. now, totally random question: are you doing NaNoWriMo this year? i'm pieridae there.
from lovelynight :
Hey luxe! I didn't know you were on blogger! Leave me a note with the email address you use and I will send you an invite to my blog! :) I hope you are well! Take care!
from illusionless :
Thank you for that wonderful note! It made my day. I'll refer back to it often trust me. It means so much that you and the others here on Diaryland are so supportive and believe in me despite my past. It means more then anything in the world to me. Thank you.
from signyvolson :
heya luxe, i am travelling around america (starting tomorrow in vegas) and, if i am in town, i was wondering whether we could meet. I do realize this is a weird request but I might not get another chance. Anyway, feel free to say no, but I am not a psycho. Love Keri xx
from anainsight :
Oh, wow babe, keep it up! When I've been in group therapy I've noticed the exact same thing, so many people unwilling to take any action towards making a change. Ten to one they're scared and sometimes a swift verbal kick in the pants (which it sounds like you gave them) is exactly what is needed to get them on track. anyway. I am so proud of you and you keep on working on your stuff and screw what everybody else says. Thinking of you and sending you great big hugs (and soon something more than that) from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
Awesome! :)
from illusionless :
That is wonderful! I'm so proud of you! :D
from lovelynight :
Thanks for the note, luxe. I've been doing pretty well. I had a really bad week two weeks ago, but everything is balancing out again. I'm sorry to read that you are still struggling. I've been reading your entries and keeping up with you. Sorry if I don't comment sometimes. It's difficult for me to find the words to say at times. In the case of your last entry, I agree with ethereal-red. Maybe working on building up to it little by little will work. I hope, whatever ends up happening, that you can find peace within yourself and your life and that you overcome your struggles. I know that you can do it. Take care, luxe.
from anainsight :
"Fear of feeling the feelings" - that's a pretty common thing. I understand exactly what you mean. I've been working on it very hard in therapy, and it is very slow going, but if you put your mind to it, you will see that it isn't QUITE as bad as you think it will be, and once the feelings are outside of you, it's like you feel a tiny sigh of relief inside, so that helps you get up the courage to try it again. I'm still at the point of only being able to say things to my therapist since she's a totally safe person, but I'm working towards the day when I will be able to tell others about how I feel. Good luck to you sweetie - sending you a great, big hug. (((Hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
What a meaningful breakthrough! Here's a suggestion: try expressing very small (as in not major at all) things every now and then with very, very safe people. And 5 days sober is awesome! My dad's been sober 14 years... he's an alcoholic too. One day my mom threw him in treatment and said that if he ever touched the booze again that he'd never see his kids, ever. He hasn't taken a drink since. If he can do it... so can you!
from ethereal-red :
Breaking the cycle of addiction is very difficult. I was terrified when I realized that I HAD to stop self-injuring. The prospect of not cutting/burning anymore was overwhelming. But I just took it hour by hour, day by day, and now it's been ten and a half months without any self-injury. If I can do it, after cutting since I was about ten to when I was 22, you can stop drinking. I believe in you, Luxe!
from anainsight :
Hey hon, sorry you're having a rough time. Please, please, for your sake, check out that book I told you about - "The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure" - so that the prospect of not drinking again won't frighten you so badly. Thinking of you, and sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from illusionless :
Good for you for going back to AA. I'm sorry you have been going through such a rough time. Think, every day is a new day to start on a better path.
from ethereal-red :
At least you are admitting it, and going back to AA is a step in the right direction. I'm proud of you. I promise I'll write you a letter tomorrow.
from anainsight :
Hey hon - sorry you've crashed - it's just the nature of the beast. This is just my personal opinion, but I would get your doctor to let you try Abilify to get you on a more even keel, so you won't be so much of a "missile in motion" that you can't get anything done, but you also won't crash so low as you seem to be right now. I am thinking of you and sending healing thoughts your way. Please be extra, extra kind to yourself - when you want to lay under the covers and cry, get up and take a walk. I want you to feel better. Remember I am sending you big hugs from way down here in Georgia!
from emaciana :
((hugs)) i sent u a letter.
from enurta :
I know how you feel. but losing weight won't make you feel better....you are beautiful the way you are. i wish you could see what I see. *hugs*
from skinny--girl :
HELLO DEAR! I'm so sorry, so very very sorry for not being here for you or writing you back. I've been so busy busy busy with the wedding (it's this weekend, finally), and I've not been to diaryland in ages. Tonight I was sitting here and I thought, what's luxe been up to, and I realized how much I've missed and how long it's been and now I feel like the worst friend in the world. I hope that this note finds you feeling contented and in a magical moment of peace amidst the mania. (((HUGS!!)))) R
from enurta :
please don't disappear........
from ethereal-red :
I don't get headaches from my Lamictal, no.
from anainsight :
Hey hon, I agree - it's a rapid cycle - call your doctor, keep a mood journal and see if you can find any specific triggers. Also ask him what you need to take - your Lamictal may need to be upped until you get on the right dose - and hang in there, you will get back more on an even keel soon. Sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
You are rapidly cycling. Call your doctor right away and keep a journal of your mood patterns. I got your letter, thanks, I will be writing back very soon.
from writergrrl88 :
I agree, this does sound like rapid cycling. Journaling during these times is a good idea -- it will help you keep a record of the manic and depressive episodes. Take care!
from lovelynight :
I agree with the previous comment. I think you're manic again, luxe. Btw, thanks for the note you left me. I am sorry about closing my diary, but it was just causing me additional anxiety having even a couple people read it. I really appreciate all the notes and everything. Take care, luxe. I hope that you start to feel better and that you can get your moods under control. I empathize with having mood difficulties.
from pigger18 :
yep manic, rapid cycling it sounds like. when rapid cycling moods can dramatically shift day to day or week to week, but what you described is text book mania
from zoerouge :
well i have been reading you this whole time. cirafagan is the ID and tylertara54 is the pw. just delete when done with the info. lets see, i divorced the gay husband, lived the life of a rock star with a new boyfriend, went to jail, got off the coke and walked away with cuts from roadside glass, later got the word, love tatooted over the scars. anyways my BPD and my ADD is rampant right now. but yeah, I have kept up on your diary, and can only say one thing, just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly. think about it.
from ethereal-red :
Yay for Lamictal!!! I am on it, I'm on a max dose (300 mg, I typically require super high doses of meds to make them work) and it helps me SO MUCH. I no longer go into rage episodes, my moods aren't flying all over the place... my mood is typically pretty stable now. And I give the credit to Lamictal. It is AWESOME. I really, really hope it works as well for you as it does for me. Best of luck!
from anainsight :
I've not heard of Lamictal, but I will look it up and research it and get back to you. But it does kind of make sense now that none of your depression meds ever worked for you - your doctor is right - bipolar depression is very different from regular depression. Hopefully, now that he knows the real problem, your meds will start to work better for you. Keep your chin up, and remember I am thinking of you and sending a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from anainsight :
Oh, honey - don't be depressed, it isn't the end of the world! Just remember - YOU ARE NOT YOUR DIAGNOSIS!!! It's just a medical thing, nothing more - caused by a chemical imbalance. YOU are so much more than that, and you can make of yourself whatever you choose to. There's an EXCELLENT new medication that I'm on - it's called Abilify. My doctor uses it with me as a mood stabilizer, since my diagnosis is not bipolar, but it's a miracle drug. Before she put me back on it, I was curled up crying all day with my blinds drawn. You might ask your doctor if you can try it. Just breathe, honey, and get back into your normal routine - exercise helps, and having something to do with your time also helps. Eat a balanced diet - that will help, too. Remember the HALT rule - don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. If you will do these things, I promise you'll start feeling better. Look for a surprise soon! Thinking of you and sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
Hey, I can understand why you are frustrated with your new diagnosis. It's always hard to receive yet another one.
from ethereal-red :
Oh my. I am SO glad your manic episode is over with! I hope another one never happens again!
from enurta :
have you tried taking xanax?
from anainsight :
Luxe, it does sound like a manic episode - and your doctor needs to know all about it. You need, at the very least, a medication change and more likely, a brief hospitalization to stabilize you on the new meds. Please, please, please tell your doctor IMMEDIATELY and if he doesn't send you to the hospital right away, go yourself. You could deteriorate even further, and you don't want that and neither do I. Please, do what you have to in order to take care of yourself. I am praying for you and sending healing thoughts your way - and also sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from illusionless :
I would have to agree with Ethereal-Red and Lovelynight it sounds like a major manic episode. I would recommend talking to someone right away.
from ethereal-red :
It sounds like you are in a severe manic episode. I would go to the ER.
from lovelynight :
You could be in a manic episode..? I think you should talk to someone and/or go to the ER (preferably the latter). I don't think you can just let this go away on its own, luxe. Take care of yourself, ok?
from lovelynight :
Oh, luxe. I am sending good thoughts your way. I hope you feel better soon. Take care.
from ethereal-red :
Thank you. :) I'm glad I'm an inspiration to somebody! Hearing that makes my day. I look forward to receiving your letter, too!
from illusionless :
I'm so sorry about the breakdown in group and the cutting beforehand. You're in my prayers. Please relax and take it easy for a bit. It's a new day and it can be a good day.
from anainsight :
Hey hon, I'm sorry you had a meltdown in the group. That's happened to me before both in group and in individual. Were you freaked out BECAUSE you had cut or was it something else that CAUSED you to cut that freaked you out? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, just think about it for yourself. I am thinking of you and sending healing thoughts your way. Also sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
I am sorry about what happened in group. And before group when you cut. See, cutting does nothing but make things worse in the end. Yes, there is a short relief... but then things just go to hell. I know this. You know this.
from illusionless :
Did you recieve my letter in the mail yet? How are you feeling lately? I haven't seen you update for bit.
from illusionless :
I can totally relate to seeing things in all good/all bad context. I have the same problem and recently I've noticed just how much it affects my attudes, reasoning, and relationships towards people. I totally get how that feels.
from illusionless :
Yes, I did get the letter and mine is in the mail on it's way right now.
from skinny--girl :
i read a blog entry today and wanted to share with you. going through this mess with t must be so taxing on you - but like you said, it's about finding out if he's for real or not, right? the "you won" comment sure was a low blow, though. anyway, here's the link (it's also linked at my most recent blog entry): http://tonyhorton.blogspot.com/2008/07/healthy-and-unhealthy-grieving.html -R
from anainsight :
Oh, hon - I'm so sorry that you had to start listening to his whining and bitching again. I agree with you - it IS soul-destroying. Please, please do me a favor and tell the counselor that - I mean, I think you've got your answer. He's never going to "learn" not to do that, he's set in his controlling ways and he LOVES to lay the blame on YOU for everything. Proof? The fact that even though the counselor told him to stop, he kept right on. His true nature is coming through. I think, although I hate to say it, that your dreams of a life with "t" have just gone up in a puff of smoke and vanished. If I were you, I'd end the couples counseling. You deserve so much better, especially considering how hard you're working - and you can't HANDLE more of his B.S. right now. I would just let him go and work on your own stuff, and leave him and his stuff to God. For what it's worth, anyway - that's my 2 cents worth, it probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but you don't need to feel obligated to "stand by him while he learns" how to behave - he isn't going to learn. I'm thinking of you and sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from emaciana :
i would have been so mad too, and shocked, if that happened to me in group. i think you dealt with it well though.
from fat0free0air :
I think she does, her intentions are probably in the right place. I'm not sure that she really understands that this has been with me for longer than I've known her and she's already helped me soo much to be "healthier." If I lose her as a friend, I would destruct, I would have nothing to wake up in the morning for. I'm just not ready to get better, she wants to go to the clinic today...fak. I hope all is well with you, as well as can be considering (I have read your past couple entries) xoxox <3
from anainsight :
Honey, I'm so sorry that therapist did that to you. I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that he's still in training and isn't fully licensed yet. That is just NOT a mistake that a competent professional would make. I'm glad that when he (clumsily) tried to cover himself, that everybody else raised their hand, maybe you won't feel so alone, but I agree with you - that wasn't his information to share, it was yours. I also am willing to bet you that if you share this experience with your regular therapist, he will challenge you to confront this guy in front of the group - I know MY therapist would. I can't afford group therapy but she really wants me in there - unfortunately it isn't possible - and I'm frankly relieved because I just KNOW she would be forever getting on me to interact in the group. It sounds like you're doing great work, and I am SO proud of you. Keep an eye on your mailbox soon - I'll be in there - LOL! Sending you a lot of love and a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from lovelynight :
I agree with Emily--that therapist did the wrong thing. I can't believe he did that. I'm sorry that he did that to you. Take care, luxe.
from ethereal-red :
What that therapist did is SO not okay.
from ethereal-red :
Honey, you DO have an eating disorder. And I'm sure you're not fat. I'm the one who's fat, and I still have an eating disorder even though I'm overweight. It's not the weight that counts. It's the behaviors.
from xxplaydeadxx :
YOu shouldn't have to change yourself for others. If the change is what you really need, like to truly better yourself, yeah. But I don't think it's fair to you to change yourself to please someone else. It's really bullshit. :(
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet letter - I'll send another one soon. I'm glad you're finally realizing you're only responsible for your own feelings, not "t's" - the next step is to detach yourself from his feelings and concentrate on yours. When you said, "It's just my job to listen" you were right on the money. You don't have to feel pressure to respond in any way. And as far as "being a self-righteous bitch", well, I doubt that - it's just that you are so attuned to negative feelings that you automatically turn every comment, even innocuous ones, into a negative. I did that, too, for a long time, and it's only after YEARS of therapy that I'm beginning to see the difference and not "personalize" everything. It sounds like you're doing a great job and yes, you have a lot to learn, but so what? If you quit learning, you might as well be dead - we learn new things every day - and there's more to learn about YOURSELF than there is any other topic. Keep up the good work! (((Hugs)))
from emaciana :
i'm emailing you the info right now. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
I've always felt sorta 'special' too for doing all of those things...But Emily is right. We're not special because of it. We are different from most people though...I think about a lot of the same things you do. Will life always be like this? No, but it sure does feel like it 90% of the time. Maybe you have the wrong therapist. I have a wonderful psychologist, and an actually caring psychiatrist. Ones I've had before only made things worse...is there anyway you could get someone else?
from ethereal-red :
I am sorry if I offended you.
from ethereal-red :
I don't want to burst your bubble, dear, but here's a reality check for ya. LOTS of people cut and burn. LOTS of people starve, binge, and purge. You are merely one out of millions of people. It doesn't make you special. It took me a long, long time to realize that my mental illnesses and problems do not make me special. But it's true. Anyway-- I just wrote you a letter in response to the one you sent me awhile back and will mail it tomorrow. I didn't forget. :)
from enurta :
starving won't solve anything. i will pray to god that you will realize that.
from lovelynight :
I don't think you're a "whiny-ass bitch" at all or that you ever complain. Don't go overboard with losing weight. I hope that you can kick your negative habits (cutting, purging, etc). I think you can do it. Take care, my friend!
from emaciana :
i got your letter, did you get mine?
from enurta :
your therapist sucks. you should see someone else that you can REALLY talk to. and things will get better, i promise.
from lovelynight :
I think that therapist is pretty crazy, too. I don't think it is reasonable for her to say that you're going to be cured and finished in one year's time. Is she the one directing the therapy and that's why you don't talk about some of the things that you need to deal with or are you with-holding some things for some reason like you don't want to/can't be hospitalize? Maybe now is a good time to find a therapist. I hope that, no matter what, things work out for you. I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. I hope that you feel better. I want to see you be happy and successful and I know that you can do it in time. Take care, my friend.
from illusionless :
I just got your card! Thank you :D I'll write real soon from now on. I have no craziness for the time being.
from ethereal-red :
She is no liar, and she is no fraud. She is struggling.
from enurta :
you are in a group but are you seeing a therapist or psychologist? are you currently on medication? i know it's hard, but sometimes people need a little push in the right direction.
from enurta :
hang on. please. it's worth it, she is not a liar! she is not a fraud! she is just surviving. you need help, you need to talk to someone, you need to take medication. hang on, please *hugs*
from anainsight :
Hey there - I lost your mailing address because I had a MAJOR system crash several days ago - would you e-mail it to me again at zippityfeets (at) yahoo (dot) com? Thanks very much! Hope you're doing better and as soon as you send your address, the quicker I can write to you. (((Hugs))) from way down here in Georgia.
from anainsight :
Just sending you a hug.
from skinny--girl :
wait, me again. are you saying you're a fraud? i hope not. i think you're a very real and honest person, at least the person i know is. we all have slip ups, we all have flaws. if you're cutting again, please take care! and read the book "cut." it's amazing, i'm telling you, amazing! take care, be well - R
from skinny--girl :
hmmm. interesting. i'm sorr for whatever brought this entry on, and yet at the same time i have to say that the writing is beautiful. it reminds me of early sylvia plath. i hope your tomorrow is better. - R
from illusionless :
I hope you liked the card. I'm inexperienced in what to write on paper letters, but I thought the card was pretty, so I thought why not write my letter in it? Congrats on your breakthrough in therapy and I agree with Anainsight to please keep an open mind to all possibilities.
from skinny--girl :
YAY! I got your letter! Thankies :) And a big congrats on your therapy breakthrough! -R
from ethereal-red :
Congratulations on your breakthough!
from anainsight :
Hey hon - just wanted to try and help you sort it out. Remember that both the counselor and "t" might have a hidden agenda. First of all, the counselor may want you to get back together again whether it's healthy for you or not, because he may not want to spoil his "record", if you will. Second of all, "t" wants to avoid getting deported. So your gut feelings may be telling you this and trying to destabilize you. Just keep that firmly in mind when you go to counseling, plus when you go to your own therapist. You know, you've said many times that you THOUGHT you should be able to have a happy marriage, but it turned out to be a nightmare - maybe you should keep that in mind as well. I'm not saying totally throw the idea of getting back together away, but I'm more saying, if the thought of it destabilizes you this much, it may be your gut instinct/intuition telling you not to. I know it's a hard decision to make and I will be praying for you. Sending you a big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from illusionless :
Please send it to the address on the letter. That's my new address. I'm not in the other place anymore.
from ethereal-red :
You'll figure out the whole situation with T. I think it is awesome that he is going to therapy and going to support groups.
from emaciana :
i'm glad you didn't send the cheque. i wouildn't have...
from lovelynight :
Go Azzurri! ;)
from skinny--girl :
i know it seems really crass, but i would imagine it's a pretty standard way of setting limits and boundaries with newer clients in a group setting. otherwise a one hour group could turn into several hours of the therapist's time every week. i imagine as your relationship grows, he'd be more willing to give you 1:1 advice free after the group sessions, but initially he's got to draw the line for after group personal time. that, or he's a penny pinching money grubber :) either way, it sounds like he's a total professional, that he was willing to work with you and not just pass you off to whomever, so you'll be in good hands when you go back. you never know, the others in your group probably have even more dramatic stories to share! it could turn into a good way to break the ice with the others.
from signyvolson :
he asked you. you didn't ask him. therefore he should not have tried to charge you.
from illusionless :
lol it's ok. D-land is odd sometimes
from lovelynight :
I don't think you did anything wrong, luxe. How did you know that he was going to charge you when he was the one who asked you to stay late? You shouldn't feel bad for getting upset over that. It sounds like he did not really handle the situation very well, especially when you were as upset as you were already. I hope you feel better, luxe.
from illusionless :
Thanks. So what should I do? If I keep pushing away then my mom will get mad and fights will happen, but... I just feel so scared and everything's happening way too fast! I don't think I can deal with all this at once. I'm so stuck!
from emaciana :
i wrote you back (penpals) but lost your address! could you email it to me again? i'm s t a r r y s u g a r @ hotmail thx! tianne
from anainsight :
OK hon - here's how you do it - You just do it - and one of those days that you get up and brush your teeth, someone will give you flowers and your whole day will shine. You just keep doing "the next right thing". When you are very depressed, they seem like minutiae, but they're not - they're very important steps in your life and in your growth that will lead you out of Hell. I think I told you once: "Acceptance is the only way out of Hell." That's a phrase from the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) book. Acceptance doesn't mean judging that something is right - obviously when you've been beaten down as far as you have, it wasn't right. You didn't have a choice what "t" did to you - the only choice you ever will have is your reaction to it - and you can choose to let the "minutiae" kill you, or you can choose to work through every day until someone smiles at you, gives you a compliment, or sends you flowers, or sends you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from lovelynight :
I'm sorry you're feeling so awful, luxe. Hang in there!
from skinny--girl :
ok i'm back. here's where i find meaning, in no particular order. the moon, the seasons, standing barefoot in the grass, kisses from B (and a thousand other moments), books, writing, soul searching, certain friends and mentors, family, my crazy cats, planting things, working with kids, art. i am learning, slowly, to ignore all the bullshit and stupid people. i am learning that most people really aren't very bright, or deep, or insightful, and that makes it easier to ignore their crap. but these lessons are slow, for me. i guess i am a slow learner :) i'm certainly not perfect, but i'm learning perfection is only an illusion anyway. i'm learning i have a lot more gifts and talents than i thought i did, and that i can do a lot more than i thought i could.
from skinny--girl :
i guess you're asking how i find meaning in life, when there's so much meaningless shit to deal with? i'll have to ponder it.
from ethereal-red :
I got your letter today, thanks so much for it! I will be writing back a reply promptly.
from amory-vain :
Control is ever elusive for me, too, so you're not alone. It always seems like I'm shifting from one awful extreme to the other. Good job with the pizza, though. :) That's tough; once I smell it, I'm giving in. Haha.
from ethereal-red :
I will be digging in the bottom of my mailbox daily, waiting for your letter to come! I don't want to miss it for god knows how long this time. :)
from emaciana :
what's ur trick to purgign pizza? the doughiness gets stuck in my throat and i feel like i'm choking. lol
from skinny--girl :
hi there! *poke* it's been too long, i know. me and diaryland are on this love-hate rollercoaster right now. i've *poke poke* caught up with your diary and i've missed a ton. i hope your counseling with t turns out to be productive. i love the *poke* shoes. i just read an amazing book you might like. it's a book for teens (i started reading it at work one night and couldn't put it down). anyway, *poke* it's called cut by Patricia McCormick. really really good. *poke* sorry, now that i know random boob poking is socially acceptable, i just can't stop myself! -R
from anainsight :
I'm so glad you're going to stay positive, and keep up the good work - just next time, try to leave out the cuts, OK? And you are so lucky to have a dad that treats you so well. When you go into couple's counseling, don't let "t" get louder than you or overtalk you or try to intimidate you from speaking the truth. Be clear about how abusive he was and make a set, reachable, and clear goal about expected behavior changes on HIS part before you even CONSIDER taking him back. Thinking of you and sending you a big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from illusionless :
Amen! I'm referring to your note about school. Also I've been meaning to ask you. Do you update your summergirl diary anymore? When did you start it? What was it for? things like that. I'm curious.
from lovelynight :
Thanks, I think you're awesome, too. :) Keep focusing on the positives, even if they are few and difficult to find. I wish you all the best, my friend.
from ethereal-red :
Good for you for going home at lunch! And I'm excited for you to receive your fitness certification! Best of luck in regards to passing it! I'm sorry, I can't remember- what class is it exactly? And I just wanted to let you know that I am so proud of you for all your efforts and accomplishments. Did you get my letter yet?
from illusionless :
It will be easier for me to send more letters since I will be living in a more convenient area from now on and I already know where to send mail here in my other place I had just found out before I moved back here, so it's percect! :)
from illusionless :
k I have 3 letters getting sent to the post office and one of them is yours, so keep your eyes open for it love! ^^
from illusionless :
Thank you for your support and your note. It means so much to me to get notes from you. You are a wonderful, beautiful person. You are strong believe that!
from lovelynight :
No, you didn't. I really appreciated your comments. I deleted your comment and another because I wanted to forget about my emotional outburst and make everything go away. I'm in my worrying state and I was worried about having those comments about what I had written. I just want to forget about what I was feeling and move on. I'm sorry if removing your note hurt you. I very much appreciated it and I very much appreciate you.
from enurta :
don't be so hard on yourself. you are NOT disgusting, you suffer from a serious illness. ED's aren't easy to deal with it. i sometimes purge in public too, at the mall for example. it doesn't make me into a bad disgusting person does it? you are not alone!!! but you are right about one thing, this cannot continue, you need to stop. I got your letter today btw. i am going to reply as soon as I can. need to get money for stamps, I'm broke right now :( love you!! *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
You're right, this can't continue on. But in order to stop, you need to really want to stop. I mean, REALLY want to. No ambivalence. See, that's my problem. The ambivalence. I really wanted to stop cutting, so I stopped, with a lot of help. I really wanted to stop purging, so I stopped, with a lot of help. But I'm ambivalent about the restricting. See, you have to be willing to endure the pain and urges that come with stopping. So there are no judgments from me, because right now I'm still rather attached to the restricting. But coming from a person who managed to stop purging AND cutting... it's possible. It's totally possible, and I believe you can do it!
from illusionless :
I found it an extremely long process to gain control and the first little while is the hardest. It's all about what works for you, discovering that remedy that will keep you somewhat sane while your thoughts are screaming at you... I found the first thing I had to do was convince myself that I wanted to stop. No doubts, no buts, no what ifs, just TO STOP! Fear of going back into the hospital and stuff helped with that too. I found surrounding myself with friends often especially when I felt the strongest urges were essential just go out and do something to take your mind off it. Hobbies and doing things you feel proud of helps too (I only accomplished this step recently), throw away your sharp objects, most times when I had the worst urges and tried to find stuff I found I couldn't do anything about it because nothing was available and I tore my whole place apart I was so desperate! Call crisis lines whenever necessary. Don't be ashamed of that. I researched different recovering techniques online and tried other peoples tactics for trying to stop. Lots of research on different therapies and tried to get my hands on online copies of therapy practices. Try not to focus on control, change usually happens when you aren't concentrating on it I've found. To shut the thoughts up what I do is try to sleep (I'm sorry I haven't found a better way yet..) I'm sure you've heard all these things before, but this is what has helped me through. Oh one more thing also I found when my thoughts would yell yes and try to give me every reason in the book to do it I would try to listen to my self-preserving voice inside my head (and trust me the voice has been small) but despite that always listen to it. Tell yourself no matter what I won't listen to that negative voice! Even if you just have to sit or hug your pillow and rock back and forth till the urge stops then do so. I found fiddling with things in my hands helped to try and keep my mind occupied. Hehe I loved rubix cubes :). I also made a Self-injury prevention Kit. I put a strong smelling soap, soft smelling soap, a plush toy maybe a favourite animal, a blank book and markers to draw the pictures or write down my feelings no matter how fucked up they may seem and then throw them out after. Umm that's about it. Sorry it was so long. Those are all the things I've tried and I use different stuff for different situations when I need them. I hope this helps you. I wish you luck. (I guess these things can help for any kind of addiction maybe?)
from enurta :
six months. not sex months haha
from enurta :
I haven't cut for three months. And I haven't burned my arm with ciggarettes for sex months. But I haven't been able to stop binging/purging yet...but today is a new day and I will try not to purge. if I can do it, you can do it too! we can do it together, come on, you're stong! stronger than you think. *hugs*
from lovelynight :
For me, I don't think I got too far into self-abuse and that's why I was able to effectively stop it without too much turmoil. I stay away from it now because I have a phobia of psych wards and hospitals in general and I have quite a few people who, if I started to behave in that manner, would intervene if it became too much of a problem. I could even get kicked out of school temporarily if I started to self-abuse again. I think that's why I stay away from it. Also, what's been helpful is, instead of cutting, snapping a rubber band on my wrist. I sincerely hope that you gain control. I hope that you are able to find some peace within yourself. Take care, luxe.
from ethereal-red :
Using my DBT skills has helped me stay away from cutting and purging. As for the other stuff, I'm still working on it. DBT has transformed my life. I'm so glad I started doing it.
from lovelynight :
I'm glad you're feeling better, even if it's just a little bit. I hope that couple's therapy goes well.
from illusionless :
I'm glad you are feeling better. I don't think you are weak of any of that. If you want to try and save your marriage then that is your choice. No one should judge you for that. Who knows maybe this will solve your problems? I wish you luck.
from ethereal-red :
Oh, and I got your letter. I think it was sitting in the very bottom of my mailbox for awhile, where I couldn't reach it just by sticking my hand in like I usually do. I wrote you a reply and sent it yesterday. :)
from ethereal-red :
I'm so glad things are better for you, and that you were able to avoid the hospital. And as for couple's therapy, I wish you the best of luck. I think you're right- you have nothing to lose.
from anainsight :
Honey - you NEED to call the on-call psych. You're dissociating (not remembering cutting yourself, etc.) That's NOT good. And if you do end up in the hospital for a couple of days, so what? You NEED HELP. My doctor was considering hospitalizing me but instead decided to try putting me back on my old medication - and it worked. I got the samples on Thursday morning, and by Friday evening I had gone shopping by myself at Wal-Mart. On Saturday I walked out in the sun to the garbage bin and the mailbox, and on Saturday night I went to my friend Laura's birthday party. So see? I was stabilized within 2 days after a simple medication change, whereas two days prior I had been pacing around looking for the means to do myself in. So don't just automatically assume you'll be hospitalized. Remember I am thinking of you and I am just an e-mail away. Sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
It sounds like you are dissociating, which is never a good sign. Maybe you should call the on-call psych. Yeah, the hospital sucks, but honey- I hate to say this- maybe it could help stabilize you a little. I'm very worried about you.
from lovelynight :
I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. Maybe you should call the on-call psych. I know that going to the hospital may be something you don't want to do, but maybe that's where your thoughts can finally quiet and you can rest. Maybe calling the psych won't even lead to the hospital. I hope, whatever you decide, that you feel better because you're an awesome person and you deserve to be happy. Take care of yourself, ok? Hang in there!
from ethereal-red :
Falling off the wagon is a natural part of recovery. And I'm not just saying that, it REALLY IS. Does your treatment team know you are struggling so much? If not, you need to tell them. Like, right now. And I'm glad you didn't purge because purging is terrible for your heart, teeth, soul... everything. Like anainsight said, keep on doing the next right thing. Take things one step at a time. Try not to look at the big picture, it's too overwhelming right now! And please... do NOT drive while under the influence of alcohol. EVER. It's so dangerous, both to you and to other people. What made you drink and binge? Were you really upset about something? Were you bored? Figuring out what precipitates these episodes is important.
from anainsight :
OK honey, I'll help you - just calm down. Keep on doing the next right thing. First of all, you fell off the wagon - so fucking what??? Forgive yourself. And the fact that you DIDN'T purge is also good, because it's so dangerous to your heart. Then, the next right thing to do is to call your doctor's emergency line so you can get stabilized. I have a feeling this is because "t" is fucking with your mind about the couples therapy - he's just trying to keep from getting deported. Don't fucking listen to him - he's a user and an abuser. Every time he tries to hook you back in you seem to have more problems. As soon as I see that informercial about the book that teaches you how to overcome your addictions, I'm going to buy it for you and have it sent directly to you - I think it would help you because what it does is it tells you that if you can figure out WHY you do things like drink and/or purge, you can stop. I'll be trolling through the infomercials until I see it again. And remember I'm only an e-mail away. If you want me to send you my phone number I'll be happy to do that for you - just e-mail me for it. I want you to be happy because you SO deserve it. Please take care and remember I'm thinking of you and sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from illusionless :
I'm sorry for the delay in the letter being sent Luxe. My Visa was recently stolen so I have no money to my name. I will send it off as soon as I have enough to do so. I would normally get around it and braille it with the print underneath because Braille letters are free to send, but my brailler isn't here, so... I have to wait. I am not ignoring you I swear. I'm just having money issues, but it's coming believe me! Don't give your husband another chance. Leave him be and go on with your life. You deserve better!
from signyvolson :
he is only doing it so he won't be deported. He's playing mind fuck games with you. Don't give him another chance. Look at what happened last time
from illusionless :
Thank you for your letter. I read it this morning. My roomie woke me up to give it to me. I will send you one back for sure! Thank you so much it made my day! :D
from enurta :
ops. spelled a lot of things wrong in the previous note. i was too excited :P
from enurta :
thank you so much for your letter! you made my day, I was sitting on the couch crying and then I got your letting and started reading it...you are so kind and special. i can't wait to write back, I am going to write back as soon as I am done writing this note. i just have one questions, I am so sorry because this is going to sound stupid but I can't tell what your address is. some of the letters I can't read, I'm so sorry. can you send your full name + adress to my e-mail as soon as you read this note? my e-mail is [email protected] thanks! *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
Hey, my blog went private and I'd still like for you to be able to read it. I invited you (I saved your email address when you emailed me about the penpal thing).
from ethereal-red :
Those are some hot shoes! I'm also so proud of you for teaching a fitness class.
from anainsight :
OMG - that is one f***ed up in the head lady! If she ever comes near you again you cover up and tell her to back off. And I would love to be pen pals if you aren't scared off by someone like me. E-mail me at zippityfeets (at) yahoo (dot) com and send me your address and I'll send a letter your way. And keep up the good work teaching - that's awesome!
from lovelynight :
Are you serious?! That's just fucked up! She touched your boob? Weird...
from ethereal-red :
She poked your boob? That's just weird.
from skinny--girl :
Yay! I totally miss penpals. Do you have my personal email? The one with my name in it? If not, my spam email is [email protected]. Yay! Now, secret time. I once wore out a Dave Matthews song because it made me feel close to someone, so I would play it on repeat every night. I didn't know you could wear out a song! The dvd had this clear groove in it at the end where that song was, :) So I totally get what you mean about the envelope. Sometimes we just need to feel close to somebody. -R
from emaciana :
penpals? me here!!! s t a r r y s u g a r AT hotmail.com also, congrats on the class! is it group fitness? I am a step/group fitness instructor too! it's so much fun.
from illusionless :
e-mail: emilymediema at hotmail dot com
from illusionless :
I'd love to be your penpal as well! :)
from enurta :
hey i'd like to be your penpal :) my e-mail address is [email protected], e-mail me with your name and adress and I'll reply with my information. I live all the way in sweden so it's fun to penpal with someone far away. you live in the US, right? hugs
from ethereal-red :
You're not lame. Hey, I'll for real be your pen pal! I love getting and writing letters! Email me at silverbean3 at gmail dot com for my full name and address. :)
from lovelynight :
You're totally not lame.
from skinny--girl :
hooray for your first class and beautiful feelings. i honestly can't remember the last time i felt proud of myself. gah. that's quite a realization, isn't it? wow, totally sidetracked myself. anyway, focus on you! t will have to face whatever comes his way. i understand about your not wanting to feel guilty, but really there's nothing to feel guilty for! we women always feel guilty for things other people do to themselves and i don't know why that is. can't wait to hear more about your fitness adventures. it's good to hear happiness in your journal again. - R
from ethereal-red :
Hey, if he gets deported... then he gets deported. Really, it's his own fault for treating you like crap! If he gets deported, he'll be out of your life forever. YES! Anyways... I'm glad you are not going to be able to purge at your new apartment. And I support you going vegan. I was vegan for a year and a half, had to quit because I was in the hospital so much, and am slowly moving back in that direction.
from signyvolson :
good riddance i say. Its his own fault, he's not your responsibility. He should have thought about this before treating you like shit. I hope he's not english!!
from writergrrl88 :
You are not responsible for him. If he gets deported, it will be because of things he did ... and that's not your problem. Be strong!
from enurta :
it's not your fault, you are NOT a monster. this is HIS problem, not yours, he deserves to be deported after what he did to you.
from anainsight :
Don't you dare feel guilty about his immigration status. That's HIS problem, not yours. He had his chance and he blew it by being an asshole. If he gets deported then it's his own fault. Not yours. You deserve better. Don't beat yourself up for something that HE brought on HIMSELF. NOT YOU. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Thinking of you and sending you a big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from skinny--girl :
I'm here! I got your not on my other blog and had to come check in with my luxe. I have so much catching up to do. From the sounds of things though you are going strong and your life is coming into a good place! :) fitness instructor -- awesome! Stay strong! R
from ethereal-red :
9 days without a drink is great! And congratulations on moving into your new home!
from anainsight :
Hey hon, I'm so glad you're in your new place and settling in. 9 days without a drink? Fabulous! Keep it up - you'll be glad of it in the long run. I have faith in you, I think you'll be OK once you're out from under the evil spell he was casting on you. Just think how much fun it will be to not have every minute, every thought, every action, every bite controlled or commented on. I hate to say this, but as much as I loved my mom, I'm better off without her. She was so controlling and critical that I couldn't have a good thought about myself if my life had depended on it. Now that's all started to change and I'm beginning to live my life for me, free from her influence. She controlled me from the time I was a tiny baby, and she used money and food to do it with. It's shameful, but I went along with it because I didn't know what else to do - and she also passed her MANY issues about food straight to me. On May 15 it will have been 2 years since she passed away, and it's taken me this long to even begin to think differently about myself and I still have a long way to go - but overall I have hope. Remember, if you need me I'm just an e-mail away. Thinking of you and sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from writergrrl88 :
I advocate that everyone keep (or start) drinking.
from enurta :
You�re strong. You can do it! Have a little faith in yourself, or in God�or whatever you believe in. I support you and I believe in you. And even if you fail�it�s okay. We all fall down from time to time. Don�t be too hard on yourself *hugs*
from writergrrl88 :
Alcohol can be very helpful in coping with things ... I hope you'll reconsider your decision about AA, for your own well-being.
from emaciana :
good for you. that's a big step and i'm proud of you.
from anainsight :
Hey there hon - I'm SO proud of you for making the decision to go back to AA - I know it's a tough decision. I hope you'll get the help you need, and remember I'm only an e-mail away if you need me. Thinking of you and sending you a big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
I think going back into AA is a VERY wise decision. I think it'll really help.
from ethereal-red :
That's awesome! Congratulations!
from lovelynight :
I'm excited for you! :)
from anainsight :
Don't panic honey - and call yourself a LAWYER. That's their job - to prevent him from doing s*** like that to you. If worse comes to worst, you can always take shelter in a battered women's shelter, but in the meantime, STOP any and all direct deposits going into this account that belong to you and open your own. Just BREATHE - it will all turn out all right, OK? Sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
I'm glad you found a place to live! And that's horrible that he cleaned out your checking account. I'm worried- what are you doing to do?
from anainsight :
Hey there - I'm so glad you've found a place. Now do you have a good LAWYER??? I know they can be expensive but you've got a lot to prove (emotional abuse is kind of hard to prove) - make sure your doctors and therapists have kept records... Find yourself a hobby to keep yourself occupied - or do either of the roommates have a pet? Taking care of a pet is a wonderful distraction - and they are so much company - but you have to be sure it's OK with the roomies and OK with the place you live. I'm sure you'll find something to occupy your mind, without him being in it all the time. BTW - I can't read certain lines of your diary for the stats marker - any way you can move it so it doesn't block your entry? Thinking of you, and sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from anainsight :
Hey hon, thanks for your sweet notes. It makes me feel so good that you find some of what I have to say helpful. I get a lot from y'all, too. That's the deal - we have to help each other. I don't know as I'm all that wise - plenty of times it's like, open mouth, insert foot, and I've made a LOT of mistakes - but I keep trying. I guess I have to - I don't have another choice. I am so excited about the new puppy, too - and I'm glad you gave your mom's dog some extra love in honor of my Kika. I wish there was some way I could send you her picture. But get this - I just bought me a digital camera, so there'll be plenty of pix of the new puppy to share! Thanks for leaving me such sweet notes. Thinking of you and sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks that's a good idea. Of course I'll take you with me! :) I would never leave any of my dear D-land friends behind. As for my non-online friends I am taking my friendly support system with me. I'm just changing my surroundings. No worries. Thanks for the encouragement. Wish me luck because I'm scared.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for the warning. What happened to make it hard to get off of it? When I quit cold turkey for a month purposely (the longest I lasted without it) I was so physically ill I thought I was gonna die! Seriously death would have been better then that. I felt I was in detox or something! Anyways I'm unsure how to slowly wein myself off. What is the time frame per lowering a dosage? How much do I lower? Do you remember what your doc did when he/she slowly had you go off it? Advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
from miedema2002 :
Thank god you left. He is a very emotionally abusive person. I would divorce his ass on the grounds of emotional abuse anyways. Just because you are ill doesn't mean that you are out of it. You could even get your therapist to testify. You seem in a sound state of mine to me. I would expose all the controlling shit he does right back. At least it would be out in the open. Him refusing therapy and you continuing looks good on you I think, but then I'm not really knowledgeable in the law world. I hope you can divorce him and move on with your life and find someone who treats you like a queen for the rest of your life because THAT is what you deserve hun! Totally 100% you do! Bye.
from ethereal-red :
I am glad that you have no intention of going back. You gave him a second chance and he blew it... plus he is abusive.
from enurta :
you did the right thing. you deserve so much better. your husband is abusive. stay away from him. <3
from enurta :
I'm sorry you had to leave. what did he do to upset you? *hugs*
from skinny--girl :
Sending you lots of (((((HUGS)))) - R
from anainsight :
Way to go, gurl!!! You did the right thing - and you know something? I'd be willing to bet the farm that now you're out from under all his meddling and control and criticism, you'll start to blossom. All those things you said you never achieved, never succeeded at? It's a moot point now. You're smart, and beautiful, and ambitious, and all those wonderful things that he kept telling you weren't true. How can anyone achieve anything when the S.O.B. they live with spends all of his time criticizing everything you do, analyzing every bite you take, controlling what they think of themselves? You're free now. Spread those wings and fly as far away as you want to. I REALLY want to give you that hug I keep promising because you deserve it. I'm sending it to you, though, and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
Woooooo! Go Luxe! I'm SO rooting for you. I'm glad you left him. You can make it on your own. You are strong enough, smart enough, and independent enough! I believe in you!
from skinny--girl :
oh, dear. guys always think they have the answer for everything, don't they? i remember several times i'd get mad at B for trying to "solve" my problems. i remember yelling at him "i don't want an answer! i just want you to listen!" it has worked, to a degree...he listens more and tries to "fix" less. i hope you are able to work through your own issues with T. or however it works out that you find happiness. <3 R
from anainsight :
Honey - you tell your husband in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that your food is none of his business, that it is a matter between you and your therapist and to butt his nose the hell out. Understand? Remember I am thinking of you and sending you a big hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from signyvolson :
I completely understand.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note - I think you are right, we have a lot of the same issues, even though we are totally different people. I so totally understand the fear thing - when my therapist asked me what I was afraid of I blurted out, "Everything!" And I meant it, too - I couldn't be any more specific at the time - but we are working through the fears and confronting them a little at a time. So I know for a fact it can be done. Keep your chin up and remember that this Georgia Peach is sending you lots of hugs from way down here in the sunny South.
from enurta :
I know how you feel. I�m afraid of life too�but please don�t kill yourself. It is not the answer. So many people would miss you. I would miss you and I would never ever forget you�
from anainsight :
Hey hon, I can SO totally relate to your last entry. I'm afraid of everything. The fear is so strong right now that it overtakes and chokes me without warning, no matter what I'm in the middle of or whatever I might be thinking about. I have the exact same thoughts of inadequacy that you described, the feeling of never having achieved anything - the only problem is, I'm WAY older than you and have so many wasted years to regret and look back on. I'm trying REALLY hard to look forward, though - and I'm trying to keep firmly in mind that this is partially due to the medication change. I hope that now you know that the root of your problems has a name, that you are finally able to start to deal with it - but it ain't gonna be easy, honey, I can tell you that for sure. Thinking of you, and if I were not way down here in Georgia I would give you a hug.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. Birthday wishes are very much appreciated. I think I'll be okay, it's just that a meds switch is tough. Haven't heard from you in a while, hope you're doing well. Sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from lovelynight :
Sure. Username: you, password: itsasecret.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you! That is so sweet! :)
from ethereal-red :
I think it's good that you told your therapist about your ED. I know your fears about rejection... I'm always afraid Jenny will say, "I can't help you" if I get really sick again. Thank you for commenting in my blog, it was a nice surprise, and for your condolences about Basil. I miss him terribly. :(
from enurta :
you did the right thing. i think deep inside, you want to get better. i think you want to be healthy. you can be thin and healthy. that is not impossible. but you shouldn't starve yourself, it's as bad as purging. please take care of yourself. be honest with your therapist. he wants to help you. tell him about what you wrote in your entry, that you are afraid he is going to reject you. tell him about wanting to starve. if you don't talk about it, nothing will get better. *hugs*
from miedema2002 :
I'm glad you told your therapist about your ED. If you don't feel ready to recover then that is ok. I would tell your therapist that you aren't ready to recover and maybe discuss the underlying reasons why, because eventually he is going to figure it out because there would naturally be resistance there. Maybe tell him that you are afraid that he will leave you if you say you aren't ready and maybe talk it through? It might help. At least now you have it out there it must feel good. I won't be your partner for your ED but I understand the feeling of wanting a partner for cutting (bad habits) just so I can have an excuse to start again, but I won't do it don't worry. I hope you can one day want to recover, but for now take it one step at a time and try to relax. ttyl
from emaciana :
purging is so DAMN addictive. it's scary someitmes.
from skinny--girl :
right now i wish we were roommates and you could help me not eat and i could help you eat and we would both be cured. it's amazing, i think, that so many of us women in this country are so totally obsessed with our diets and our bodies. let's move to france! we can be size 00 AND eat fois gras AND wear Chanel!! - R
from ethereal-red :
I won't be your partner, but I do want you to know that I am here to support you in both the ups and downs.
from skinny--girl :
i AM super excited at the date! it makes the whole wedding thing feel real. i do have a wedding blog, the address is over at wordpress. if you want it, email me. i'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. just remember you are beautiful and you are loved. take care and be well, r
from ethereal-red :
I don't think you're too negative. Plus, it's YOUR diary. Write whatever you want in it. I wish I could say I've lost 15 pounds. I've lost 5.5, but it's only been three weeks, and last week it said I had only lost 1/2 pound, but I had my period, so there was water weight gain in there- so, hopefully, when I weigh myself next, it'll be down significantly. Congratulations on holding down a job for a year! That's a big accomplishment. I was so proud when my one-year anniversary came up on Feb 6th this year. :)
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for the nice note. I made it through just barely without cutting, so I'm safe. Sometimes it becomes all too much and it's hard to handle everything. Don't worry about sounding too negative in your diary. It can be whatever you want it to be. If you want to vent bad feelings out by all means do it. If you want to write positive things and happenings then do that too if want. It's all about what you want in a diary not what we readers think. I like your list by the way. Those sound like good goals and things accomplished. Keep it up! :D
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. We are recording the concert on CD, so what I'm going to try to do is, upload the track with my solo on it for all of my online friends to hear. I'll try to put a link to it in my diary, or send you a link via e-mail. So you can hear me sing (if you think you're brave enough!) Thinking of you and sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
I have it set now so that when you click on my name on your buddy list, it goes straight to my new diary. Come check me out!
from skinny--girl :
how can i be both jealous of you and worried about you at the same time?? i hope you are well. take care - R
from skinny--girl :
why did i leave that note? i'm not a "tips" person. blah. you are beautiful! you don't need to expel your insides. your insides are just fine. have a lovely day...
from skinny--girl :
Bath and Body Works hand sanitizer is a miracle worker for hand smells. That whole mess with your husband sounds bizarre! I agree it seems a huge commitment to make.
from miedema2002 :
I'm sorry about everything that has been happening with your mom and your husband. I can't believe that someone would give a blessing to purge! I've never heard of that before... seems kinda sick to me. Are you sure want to be responsible for your husband with all that paperwork and stuff? I'd becareful, but it's your decision and I won't judge you one way or the other. I agree with everyone elses advice about you and your mom. Don't let her bring you down with her. Keeping you in my prayers always!
from skinny--girl :
thank you thank you thank you for the message. it made me cry and made my day at the same time. how does that work? we women are strange creatures :)
from skinny--girl :
maybe you could have a private conversation with your mom's dr. about the harm she's done to you and your life? if the dr.'s worth a crap, i'm sure he/ she would be interested. take care - R
from enurta :
you can do it. *hugs*
from amory-vain :
Haha, you're totally right. I sometimes like to read the pathetic little (5 pounds in a month lost!) success stories on the message boards there.
from amory-vain :
I'm under a different SN on sparkpeople--I'd give it to you, but it's my full name.
from anainsight :
You do NOT have to be your mom's BFF if you don't want to. You can still be supportive and yet continue to protect yourself, and speak your truth if you need to. Just keep on working with your own therapist, and bring this issue up. He can help you figure out how to deal with your mom without being hurt yourself. Thinking of you and sending you a big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
Yeah... puke smells bad. I'm so glad I was never a big purger. I did it only when ABSOLUTELY "necessary", with rich thick foods like real mac and cheese and scallopped potatoes that I just could not stand to have in my body. It was still disgusting...
from skinny--girl :
*stREEEENGth* (That's me trying to send you strength via the internet). You will get through this. Blast your hubby. I wanna kick his a$$ sometimes. I wish I could go with you. I would give you a big hug and tell you everything will work out as it's meant to. The news about Polly of Thin is so sad, too. She was by far my favorite. <3 R
from ethereal-red :
I'm sure it does hurt a lot. *hugs*
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. I like to help people whenever I can, so it really makes me glad that I was able to help you, even in a small way. Take care and try not to worry too much. (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
I'm really sorry about your mom, and the fact that she threw pictures of you in the garbage is horrible. But, like anainsight said, she isn't thinking clearly at all. Hang in there.
from anainsight :
Stay strong for yourself honey, and let the hospital take care of your mom. She has obviously got a LOT of problems, and you don't need to take her burdens on yourself. And don't let your mom's "opinion" of you impact your opinion of yourself. Obviously she's NOT thinking clearly at all. You just keep on doing what's best for YOU. Keep working with your therapist and keep on doing the "next right thing". Thinking of you and sending you a huge hug from way down here in Georgia.
from amory-vain :
I'm really sorry about your mom, and I hope you're doing okay. Stay strong. xx
from skinny--girl :
You've come such a long way. I have read your blog for a long long time now :) and you are recognizing things about yourself that you've never really talked about here before. The dichotomy, the two sides, (I always called the yelling screaming version of me my perpetually PMS'ing evil twin). I hope your marriage thrives and survives, but if it doesn't, you'll be okay, and we'll all be here for you whatever happens. pieridae
from miedema2002 :
You haven't failed anyone. I support your decision and admire your faith. Maybe he will change, maybe he won't, but at least you are giving it one last shot as you said. Good for you. Stay strong and please don't hurt yourself.
from enurta :
You are not a failure. You are still strong, no matter what happens and what you do...remember that. You're not letting anyone down, you're only letting your self down when you cut, starve and hurt yourself. You have a lot to live for, including your husband. Maybe he will change? I think you did the right thing. Just please, start loving yourself, don't hate yourself. You are so smart, beautiful and special. Think about it, think about the ones you love, sometimes we have to be strong for those people. I want to cut and purge everyday but I don't because I know what that would do to my husband, my sister and my mom. I stay strong for them. Who is imnportant in your life? *hugs*
from kbc :
You have not failed anyone. Stay strong.
from ethereal-red :
I don't think you "failed" anybody. You just made a choice, that's all.
from miedema2002 :
I'm sorry that things are still going shitty. I know what it's like to have parents divorce. Mine did when I was 12 years old and it's not a fun process, but over the years you begin to get used to it. Not right now, but after a few years you might. If you need to talk I'm here for you.
from ethereal-red :
I know the feeling. If I had more money, I'd get abdominoplasty ASAP!
from amory-vain :
Well then, thank you for the add as well. I really identify with a lot of the stuff you've been writing about; it's great to see you putting it into words. Thanks for writing. xx
from skinny--girl :
oh, dear, dear luxe. it has been so long since i have been to diaryland, i didn't realize all of the frustrations you have been under. i'm caught up and there's so much i don't even know where to begin. this may seem completely retarded what with everything goin on, but i have a book reccomendation for you. it's a nora roberts book called dance upon the air, the first in a trilogy. it's about a woman escaping her abusive husband and creating a new life. take care luxe, and you will get through this okay. (((((HUGS)))))) http://www.amazon.com/Dance-Three-Sisters-Island-Trilogy/dp/0515131229
from ethereal-red :
I'm so sorry that your parents are splitting up. That's so sad. :(
from enurta :
I am so sorry that you cut yourself. But your husband is trying to manipulate you. Don't believe his lies, you have done nothing to deserve how he is treating you. You have been a good wife, he is the one that doesn't understand what marriage is about. I know you want to go home...but 'home' - is it a house, an apartment? Is it yours or his? Maybe he is the one that should leave?? *hugs*
from writergrrl88 :
You need to decide if you can work things out with him -- if you can forgive him what he's done AND if he can/will change. If he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, you need to cut your losses ... but if you can help him realize how he's treated you badly, you have a chance at working it out (if he's not only genuinely sorry, but willing to change). Then you need to either go home and work though (again, only if he's willing to accept what he's done and change) or work on making permanent arrangements for housing/moving all your stuff. If you're really leaving for good, of course you're going to miss him -- but you'll be better off without him if he can't respect you. If you really want to try working things out with him, see if he'll go into couples counseling with you. All the best -- and remember that you've got to take care of yourself first.
from signyvolson :
keep away from him. he's a manipulative arsehole. You don't deserve his bullshit.
from ethereal-red :
You're welcome. Stay strong, don't back down! Be the confident woman I know you are. You deserve better than him.
from enurta :
�i feel like such a miserable failure� NO! You are a strong, beautiful and independent woman. You don�t need him, you did the right thing. He is probably going to try to contact you and say he is sorry but don�t believe him! He only wants you back so he can hurt you again. You are not a punching bag, you are a person with feelings. You did the right thing honey. You are so strong. I am so glad you finally realized that you deserve better, I am sure your friend will let you stay there for as long as you want. Does she know what happened? The first step is to admit to someone how miserable you have been because of the monster living in your house. For me, it was my dad, and for so long, I was too ashamed to tell anyone. Don�t be ashamed, you have done nothing wrong. Your husband is the one who should be ashamed. He is the failure, not you. Remember that.
from ethereal-red :
GOOD FOR YOU. You did the right thing, you really did, and I am so proud of you. I know it must have been very difficult.
from anainsight :
You did the right thing, you did the right thing. Now the next right thing is to make sure that your paycheck doesn't go into a joint account - stop direct deposit immediately and/or open a new account. Be honest with family and friends and set boundaries. The way he was acting, I wonder if he was not taking advantage of your problems rather than being supportive. In any case, you did the right thing and I am so proud of you honey, stay strong. If I could I would come all the way up there from Georgia to give you a hug. peace!
from pigger18 :
emotional abuse is just as bad if no as worse than physical...The mister nice guy routine is classic of an abuser before marriage, and once marriage sets in they belittle and break down their spouse. That can also progress into physical abuse. The abuser gets you to start thinking that if you were somehow better then he wouldnt act that way, thats not the case.. He acts that way cause he is mentally screwed up, there are no faults that any individual have that can cause another to act out so viciously. I would advise that you start addressing the abuse in therapy and work on a safety plan just incase he goes to far and gets physically violent. I know you feel bad cause you have only been married for a few months but its not worth sticking it out and suffering through if you mental stability and safety is always at risk. Work on saving some money, confide in a close friend or family member as to how he really is, and make sure you have a safe place to go just in case.. Anhd Know there is nothing that you can do, say, clean or cook that can change him from asshole to prince... I hope things work out for you and that you are safe.. take care <3
from signyvolson :
luxe, in 5 years you'll be just a battered, severely emotionally disturbed wife. he is a moron. burn his clothes, file for divorce, change the locks and get on with your life. Its abuse in its cleverest form. He knows you're too good for him and he's employing pathetic bullying tactics to crush your spirit, an age old method of absolute wankers. Don't even entertain the thought of staying married to him, he is an insult to every decent man.
from enurta :
I�m sorry if I offended you with my previous note�it�s just that, I am so angry today, and I hate to see you suffer because you are a beautiful girl with a bright future ahead of you. I don�t want you to believe his lies, I believed my dad when he told me I was worthless and that nobody would ever love me, I believed him and look at me now. I am 22 years old and I am sick. I hear voices and I hallucinate, I hate myself and I want to die. I try to kill myself every year. It�s pathetic. I can�t work, I can�t study, I can�t do anything. Do you want to end up like me? Or like my mom? She hates her life, all she ever talks about is how she wishes she was dead, how wrong she was about my dad, that she should have left him from the start. She was like you, she didn�t want to leave him because she thought he would change or that it is normal for a husband to treat his wife the way he treated her. I want to help you and I don�t know how. So I told you my story�.do you want to end up like me? Or like my mom?
from enurta :
You need to leave him. He is an asshole, he doesn't even admit what he has done wrong. You need to leave him! Please, my dad treated my mom like your hubby is treating you and she is so depressed now. He destroyed her life, he destroyed mine too because he treated me the same. Get out while you still can, before it is too late. 'I'll never leave him 'cause I know deep down that no one would want me' your entry made me cry. Your husband is exactly like my dad, people like that deserve to suffer. I hope he'll die and rot in hell for what he has put you through. You do not need his bullshit! Don't believe his lies. Please leave him before he starts to beat you or worse. He is only going to get worse, he is taking you for granted. I want to go over to your house and beat him to death with a baseball bat, seriously, I fucking hate men that treat women like shit. You can take care of yourself and someday you will find a man that truly loves you. Your current husband does not love you. No matter how mad you get at your spouse, you never say the things he has said to you.
from anainsight :
Hey honey, sorry I haven't talked to you in a while. It's called "an abusive relationship" and he's an abuser. That's the pattern - he gets almost violent and verbally abusive, then he pooh-poohs it. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. I would advise you to get out now while you still can, before he isolates you from your family and friends, takes control of your money, and makes you quit your job. After that, the physical abuse starts. I know it probably sounds harsh, but it's true. I don't mean to hurt you - I am thinking of you and praying for you honey, and I hope you'll think about what I've said and have the strength to follow through. Sending you a big hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
Personally, I think you should leave. He treats you like shit. You deserve better.
from miedema2002 :
You have been tagged. Read blog for details.
from ethereal-red :
I am sorry things are not going well. You are always in my thoughts. I understand the obsessiveness, the compulsiveness. It's a chain that's very hard to break.
from enurta :
I'm sorry about what you're going through. Isn't there anyone you can talk to? A therapist maybe? You need help. You can't keep torturing yourself. *hugs*
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. Happy New Year to you too. What I've always heard is that the black-eyed peas were for luck and the collard greens were for money. My mom also used to insist on eating hog-jowls, too. Yuck! Happy new year, and hope 2008 brings you only good things!
from enurta :
<3
from miedema2002 :
shit that may have sounded odd. Ok when I said that people can't take women who stand up for themselves I mean that in a good way! I mean that is how women find good people who respect them and treat them well by -taking out the trash- so to speak and not putting up with anything less than the best! :)
from miedema2002 :
You'd be surprised how many people can't take women who won't put up with their crap! It's pretty funny actually! Stick up for yourself and stand your ground. You are a wonderful person! Stay strong hun, you are strong even in the weakest of times. Love ya! Happy New year!
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for the b-day wishes! :D Where does your husband get off calling you crazy?? You seem sane to me! Just because people suffer from different severities of mental illnesses does not mean they are crazy. You sound in touch with reality most of the time which would make you pretty sane! Even though we're all a little insane. You deserve better.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for your encouragement and support. I really appreciate it! How was your holiday?
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I just have to remember to start again tomorrow. I'm still impressed with lasting a whole year...
from ethereal-red :
Wow. Your husband seemed so decent before you got married. Now it seems like his personality has unleashed itself. It's scary, and I'm not even the one who has to live with him. Come to think of it, you can leave whenever you want... dump the guy if you want, too. Anyways, thanks for your note. I had to tell him how I felt, I felt like I was going crazy holding it all inside. I see Ms. Jenny on Tuesday... boy, will she be surprised at all the stuff that's happened while she's been gone the last four days.
from enurta :
You should think about leaving him. He is making everything worse. You are feeling worse every time I read your entry�he is not improving in any way, he just keeps treating you like shit. You wrote that you love him, but sweetie, sometimes love is not enough, there are selfish people out there that hurt people that are close to them. My father was like that, I loved him and I didn�t want to leave him, but he was killing me. Your husband is killing you. Maybe not psychically, but mentally he is. You should tell him the truth, or write it on a piece of paper. Print out one of your entries�maybe this one and let him read it. See his reaction. The right reaction would be to say sorry and hug you and tell you he is never going to hurt you. The wrong reaction is to get even madder at you. My opinion is that you should just leave him. You deserve better, a lot better. You are selling yourself short. <3
from anainsight :
This marriage is six weeks TOO old if he is going to treat you that way. Don't put up with it. Either scream right back or put his clothes in a basket and throw them out the window. You deserve so much better than him, Honey.
from skinny--girl :
thank you so much for the beautiful note. somehow, it was exactly what i needed. i wish i could do the same for you now. take care, R
from ethereal-red :
It was all about the fuckin' weight. I looked at my weight last Tuesday and it was up seven pounds in two weeks from water weight from my period. Well, that sure didn't matter to me. All I saw was the number. And ever since then I've been restricting and my depression has been much worse. I feel so disgustingly fat and am determined to lose the weight.
from ethereal-red :
I'm having trouble with restricting too. I'm eating less than half of what I should be eating according to my meal plan.
from skinny--girl :
you are BeautifuL. <3
from ethereal-red :
Congratulations on your monthiversary! That's so awesome! I'm proud of you. :) And you're right- he is not worth cutting over.
from skinny--girl :
so many questions, the story of my life. i do love that song breathe me, btw...it was beautiful! i don't know why, it reminds me of that song courage by superchick. i also meant to tell you fo the song skin, by beth hart...it is really beautiful! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tADgd5a0KLo&feature=related). as for me, and as you know, i am always my worst enemy. that's why the questions. i know sometimes when i look back at bad times in my relationship it was me that was in a bad place and not seeing clearly. i hope that you can find peace in your marriage, or if not, then the courage to move on. i am scared, but B doesn't have any history of trying to change me, it's me, always me. he is scarily accepting of who i am. mostly, i think, i'm scared of being content in this place...fat bride, fat wife...because he does love me as i am, he doesn't push for me to improve. it's probably good though, i push enough for the two of us, lol. take care, dear, R
from miedema2002 :
I have so much to say! First off I think your template suits your diary. Not my style personally but hey if you like it then good for you. I think your husband is being unreasonable! He expects you to change around HIM and not vise versa??? How one sided! Also you do deserve love and someone who loves you and is compassionate! Someone else CAN love you for who you are if he can't/won't! You are a wonderful person! Lots of people have mental illnesses and still find loving relationships with people who want to be with them and vise versa. Also you wanting to change yourself for the better, how can that be bad?? You are looking for safe ways to destress and keep yourself happy and healthy..if anything he should be happy for you! The fact that he is only putting you down is a sign of what kind of person he is! not worthy of your love and affection and your wonderful personality! Why does many changes have to be a result of BPD? (I have bpd as well by the way) Why can't you wanting to change yourself just be because you want too? because you are looking to find yourself outside of being mentally ill? Expirementing and finding yourself is normal and trying many new things is too! you want to find a new identity for yourself and a new person inside of you that you can love and respect and feel worthy of love from a kind person who will show you nothing but kindness and support back. You do not deserve this! I applaude you for trying to fight for you marriage and suggesting counseling and communicating with him...sadly it sounds like he isn't cooperating, so... there is only so much you can do before giving up and no one will blame you! The people that do obviously don't know you very well! Including your mom. Do what is best for you and screw everyone else! If he is making you unhappy and is unwilling to work and compromise at it! then what point is there in staying?? However I won't judge you if you do stay. You do what is best for you whatever that may be. All I know is that I applaude you for trying new things, being open, and wanting to change for the better and not listening to his criticisms. Obviously if he is triggering you with starving then something is majorly wrong! I wish you luck. Take care. Love ya! -Emily
from skinny--girl :
hey girl! i did check out the tori videos ...goddess, she is fucking awesome isn't she? i wanted to tell you about beth hart, too, been meaning to and it kept slipping my mind. but here's a link to my fave song, hiding under water (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwhDEZANzrA&feature=related). ug, irritating diaryland without tha ability to properly link in comments. you should check out wordpress, and then tell all your friends, i love it so! although i do love my diaryland for it's beautiful anonimity :) i feel badly for you to be struggling so in the early weeks of marriage. part of it is selfish - i think ... what will happen to me? will he change? will he want to change me? i have some strange moods and quirks and rituals that i'm not ready to let go of just yet. but i love him so, and don't want things to change. ah, relationships are hard. but worth it in the end, i think. a life alone...i couldn't bear it. but it all comes down to love. do you love him? do you feel that he loves you? do you think his abusive side is emerging? or do you think you are doing something that is scaring him? can you see yourself swinging on that porch swing with him at age 80? life is hard, but some things are worth fighting for, i think, and love, real love, is definitely one of them. take care & be well, R
from anainsight :
I am always here for you and if you want to talk, just note me with your e-mail address. Lots of hugs to you.
from signyvolson :
marriage isn't an excuse to control anyone nor is it a reason to stop doing things you may benefit from. Tell him to fuck off and look at his own attitude before criticizing you. If you've got nothing nice to say...
from pigger18 :
ending a marriage is always a hard decision just as much as fight for it to survive. Would he consider some marriage counseling, a third party to point out that what you go through on a daily basis isnt necessarly a sign of something more harmful to come. He does come across as an ass, but a lot of times that harshness is a persons way of saying I love you and want to best for you but for some reason they cant say it in those words so it comes out in a degrading manner. and I agree you should never let someone be the basis you make all of your decisions on, but in a marriage there needs to be open, free communication as well as compromise. I hope things work out with you two.. its so fresh and way to new to give up on. I say if it does go down just know that you went down fighting to save your marriage... I hope this makes since and I hope things work out <3 xoxo
from anainsight :
He sounds like a controlling bastard. You ignore him and go to church if you want, and do whatever you have to do to make yourself happy. Let him deal with it or bail himself. I am so proud of you for starting to make progress in your therapy. That is SUCH a great accomplishment for you. Also, remember that family members hate the changes we make in ourselves, even if they are for the better, because usually they are lazy bastards and don't want to bother to change themselves. Also, when we start to get better, they get paranoid that we'll leave them because we all of a sudden realize we deserve better than them. So ignore him honey, don't let him make you mad, and go to church if that's what you want. Tell him he needs to improve himself spiritually and to get off his lazy ass and go with you, otherwise to leave you the hell alone. I am thinking of you and sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from enurta :
Ok�I got so fucking mad at your husband when I read your entry! First of all, he has no right to violate your privacy, second, he should TRUST you because that is what marriage is all about, trust. Third, he has no right to yell at you. Because you are a sick person, you suffer from a serious disease. Borderline personality disorder, right? And you are getting help, right? He should be more careful. Are you suicidal? Because when I want to cut, I am usually suicidal. Just think it over, think about what you really want and if he�s worth all the trouble. Write all the pro�s and con�s on a piece of paper. And no matter what, do not cut, do not hurt yourself in any way. Talk to someone about how he is treating you, maybe a family member or a friend you trust? Ask them what they think about his behavior, maybe they know him better than we here at d-land do. Maybe he should speak to your doctor or therapist so he understands how you should treat someone who suffers from borderline. Maybe he just doesn't understand it at all. when my husband treated me like yours, I told my doctor about it and they had a 'talk'. After that, he changed, he started to be more careful with his words. I also told his mom about his behaviour and she had a talk with him too. That helped a lot also. And I had my mom who gave me love and support. What I am trying to say, you are not alone. There are people out there that care about you! I hope he�ll start treating you better soon. You deserve so much better.
from miedema2002 :
I hate the way your husband is treating you! He should be more supportive of you and believe in your recovery! You are trying so hard and he should acknowledge your accomplishments! I know all of us at D-land do. Keep up the good work! :)
from miedema2002 :
This is how I kept myself clean. Talking to friends and using every single resource of a person available to me, Surprisingly they always cared to listen. I used crisis line. I made myself a SIP kit (self injury prevention kit) I had a strong kiwi smelling soap, a soft coconut soap, a soft stuffed penguin, a red marker, a journal to draw pictures of my feelings in, and an icepack kept in the fridge. I used them all as different grounding tools. I also used sleep when it got too rough to take when I was awake. I would meditate, listen to soft ambience or classical music to calm down. I would watch a funny show on tv to distract myself. I would go outside and run an errand or take a walk or go to the gym to try and mimick the adrenaline rush that I craved. And I found this was really important. I had to stay away from looking at SI pictures and triggering material online or on tv. If I felt triggered I shut the movie or tv off or switched the channel to something light and funny. I would let myself cry and hit my pillow and give myself the privacy to have a tantrum fit if I needed it to release my feelings instead of relying on the feeling of razors and blood. Another good thing to do is to lock up your sharp objects if they are getting too tempting or get away from them and visit a friend or again go out anywhere from shopping to the gym, to just walking around your community. Sorry for the bombardment of info, but this is everything I used and trust me even with all these coping skills it still comes as a struggle for me every day, but I remind myself that it has to be worth it in the end! Good luck!
from ethereal-red :
Thanks! :)
from pieridae :
Thank you! Yay is right. We've been dating for nearly ten years so, like, finally. :) You'll have to give me all your tips for planning cause I am a freaking mess already. I am WAY to OCD to plan anything as big as a wedding -- I already know I'll obsess over the napkins and forget about the food, or some such nonsense. But yay! So excited! <3 R
from pieridae :
Hmmm...I can't seem to think of anything to say that doesn't sound like a crazy old grandma. Like, "Good for you, dear!" or "Way to go, sweetie!" or, the worst yet, "I knew you could do it!" Well, what? I knew you could...can...will. :D R PS I'm engaged!!
from anainsight :
I am so proud of you for wanting to give up on the cutting, or at least being willing to try. Being willing is the first step. I hope you had a very happy birthday. I am thinking of you and sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from pieridae :
I added you as a buddy for NaNoWriMo. I'm getting an awfully late start this year. Nothing new there. :) R
from skinny--girl :
I still believe it, that depression is anger turned inward. I hope you find some peace on your day -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you find some peace in your mind. I hope you find peace. <3 R
from enurta :
happy birthday...and please...be careful, don't cut again...don't hurt yourself. you deserve better than that <3
from emaciana :
reading that entry makes me so sad. because i know exactly how it feels. you just described it so well. i'm so sorry you feel so terrible... and i'm sorry you had to cut... but i know the feeling where that's the only solution. ((hugs)) happy bday tomorrow. make the best of it.
from sapphire02 :
Gentle hugs..and happy birthday. I'm sorry you are scared to feel love. He loves you, you know that. I wish I could kiss your boo-boos, but it would only sting. So I will pray for you instead.
from ethereal-red :
Let me just say... Silk yogurt ROCKS. It's s nice and thick like regular yogurt, but without the gelatin! That makes me happy. :)
from kbc :
Happy Birthday lady!!!!
from signyvolson :
happy birthday!!!
from miedema2002 :
Happy Birthday!
from miedema2002 :
hun, please don't cut yourself. If that ever happens again call a friend or crisis line, please! I worry about you. I hope you feel better soon.
from ethereal-red :
Happy birthday, Luxe! I'm sorry you had such a horrible day today. :( You did express yourself well, though, and it was well-written. Not like that's gonna make you feel any better, though, but it was.
from pigger18 :
congrats on the wedding and WOW that was beautifully written. I know you are in pain but you expressed it so beautifully and well written. I just want to say that I hope that things start to get better <3
from skinny--girl :
hello & welcome back & congrats & many happy returns (just what does that mean anyway?) i had so much to catch up on! it's too bad about yor recent visiting voices -- is it worse with stress? have you tried electroshock? i promise i'm not being snarky or anything, my good friend's cousin (i knew him well in college) finally tried electroshock when his voices started telling him, um, bad things, to put it mildly. it worked really well for him. now he's a massage therapist in florida, of all places...before he couldn't hold down a job anywhere. so, i don't know, something to think about anyway. i'm such a control freak i can't imagine having something so intense that i couldn't do anything about. gah. many blessings to you that you have days (and weeks and months and years) free of mental drama. i wish i had a magic wand... *---- oh, thanks for your notes! and i'm sure i did look sassy, lol. i used to in my hayday :> take care, be well, R
from sapphire02 :
Pictures please?
from miedema2002 :
:D <3
from miedema2002 :
Have a wonderful wedding and honeymoon! Good luck! I wish you both a lifetime of happiness.
from enurta :
Good luck <3
from sapphire02 :
*raises her glass* A champagne glass filled with bubbly kisses. Many, many best wishes and a joy-filled life is wished for you. Remember to love him, even in the worst of times. Remember to love yourself too... I love you dearest!
from ethereal-red :
Good luck! :) How is your NaNo book going? Once the searching-for-authors option comes back, I'll add you as a writing buddy.
from sapphire02 :
I wish I could've gone with you. We could so supported each other.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks. :)
from ethereal-red :
A lot of people just write and see what comes out, you'll see that on the NaNo forums. Don't worry about it. As soon as you start typing, whatever comes, comes... :)
from miedema2002 :
I don't think you got voted off the island. People have different ways of doing things. I'm sure many people who were there have been part of nanowrimo for years. I would assume most of the nanowrimo snobs would make an appearance at those gatherings. My point being is that there is nothing wrong with "going with the flow" not knowing what you are doing and taking it as it comes. I'm doing the same thing. I can't say any writers have influenced me either. Not enough to write a book anyways. Try to focus on your writing who cares what others think?
from ethereal-red :
My username on NaNoWriMo is silverbean3.
from miedema2002 :
My username for nanowrimo is frozen-words
from anainsight :
What is happening to you is that you have an imbalance of chemicals in your brain which affects how and what you hear and see. That's it. Period. And the medications will need to be changed. Don't succumb to that "losing my mind" mentality, that is so medieval. Modern science is so much more trustworthy than all that. I am thinking of you and sending you a hug and a whole lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from sapphire02 :
That sounds so scary! Please take care of you!
from anainsight :
Please, please promise me you'll tell your therapist about the strange things you're seeing. I truly hope it is just because you are overtired. Try to communicate what is going on with you. I am thinking about you and sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
Oh, I forgot. You write it on your regular word processor, like Microsoft Word or whatever. OR you can hand-write it.
from ethereal-red :
NaNoWriMo is national novel writing month. During the month of November, you write a book with 50,000 words in it. Mine's a memoir. It's free, and the website is www.nanowrimo.org. The challenge begins Nov 1st, and people from all over the world do it. You just sign up- there's a link in the upper right hand corner of the screen- and you're all set to go besides filling out a profile and such. You keep track of your word count on the website, too. I'm so excited for this... way cool!
from skinny--girl :
i almost forgot, i'm sending out halloween cards. if you want one, drop me a note at [email protected] with your address!
from skinny--girl :
oh!oh!oh! bitch! i'm so jealous, so very very green at the gills jealous. TORI!!! i haven't got the new cd yet, but i heard it's amazing. saw her once at a smallish theater in chicago and it was one of the best nights of my life. unreal how much power and passion such a tiny woman sitting alone on a stage can have. :) take care & be well, R
from ethereal-red :
No, Stonyfield Farms is the brand that makes the o'soy yogurt. Silk's way better. I've never had follow your heart cheese. I've never had any vegan cheese, actually, and am rather afraid to try it. I'll just go without my grilled cheese sandwiches.
from ethereal-red :
I love "Precious Things"!
from sapphire02 :
It's strange is it not? We don't know each other, but we some how we just do!!! I can hardly even remember when we first became friends on Diaryland, but I look for your post everytime I log on. Anything you need? I'm right here!
from sapphire02 :
You know....I did that right before I got married to my husband. I am doing that now since we've moved out of state. It's change...and the fact that we have a hard time accepting the fact that someone loves us no matter what. Are you testing him? I love you dear one...hang in there.
from signyvolson :
I think that you should tell your fella how you feel. It may give you the push to be more honest with your therapist? I don't know anything except how it feels and no one should ever be there.
from ethereal-red :
I found out about the visual journaling class through my job. We have classes in the fall and spring, and that was one of the classes.
from ethereal-red :
Try to hang in there. I know it's incredibly difficult. And I'm glad you're hanging on to something, ANYTHING to keep you from killing yourself. They say you should never do something (or not do something) because of somebody else, but I think that's crap. I am thinking of you often. Email me if you want to talk... [email protected]
from newschick :
hang in there, lady. i've been there before... i know it hurts and it's hopeless, but there is meaning in the pain. just hang in there... thinking of you.
from skinny--girl :
Hey luxe, how are things? i remembered something you noted to me at myspace, and wanted to send this link your way: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/everyday_witch/ i belong and we're starting a fiction book club, which should be fun. anyway, come check it out if you're interested, and as always, take care. R
from anainsight :
Hey there, hon, I'm sorry you were having such a rough day the other day. I'm sorry I haven't been here very much lately but while I had the puppy he took all of my time. I hope you're doing better now. You're in my thoughts a lot and I wish you lived close to me, I could use a friend like you. Be good and next time you need your Dr. PLEASE call him, ok? (((hugs)))
from skinny--girl :
ha! redecorating the brain...i love it. i would fill mine with kimora lee simmons life and walk around bitching at people and feeling FABulous. although she's getting a divorce so mayber her brain's not so pretty either. i still love the thought though -- clearing out all of the old cluttered junk...crappy yearbook photos, visions of failure, all those repressed emotions snaggletoothing through the dark corners...i'd clean em all out and fill it with shabby chic! take care, dear & be well, pieridae
from enurta :
i'm so sorry about what you are going through but i understand what you mean....but sweetie, meds cannot solve everything, there isn't any miracle drug that is going to make you all better, you need therapy and to do things you like. get a puppy, or a kitten, or spend more time with your fiance or your family.
from ethereal-red :
I wish I lived closer to you, too.
from emaciana :
i can relate to so many of your entries. ((hugs))
from anainsight :
ask your doctor about Cymbalta - it's working for me and I'm losing weight.
from ethereal-red :
Hey, give Remeron a try. It works a little differently than other anti-depressants, so I've been told, and it's helped me a lot.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for understanding me. It helps to know that I am not alone, even though it sucks that we are both in this position.
from emaciana :
hey, just send me an email with your email add and i'll send you the user/pw. starrysugar@ hotmail
from sapphire02 :
I remember that feeling all too well... I wish I could show you past entries on my Live Journal..I wrote of some of it in 2004. I felt like I was dying even as I promised I would marry my husband... *hugs* I wish I could be there for you.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. It helps me to know I'm not all alone. So many of my neighbors are all like, "It's just a dog", and I'm like, "no, she was my CHILD". It's just been really hard.
from anainsight :
I know exactly how you feel about sitting there in front of your therapist and bawling your eyes out, and not being able to say why, happens to me all the time.
from ethereal-red :
Thank you! I love it, too!
from dimstar :
:( I felt that way too today, about work. I got the duty of stamping envelopes bc of an error that occured on a huge form I was working on... Aghhhh!!! Congrats on your upcoming wedding :) That is great!!!
from sapphire02 :
Maybe we can help each other. I'm drinking too much as well.
from skinny--girl :
Hello! I am still kicking around, that's for sure. I have been on vacation, and lately have just been suffering through a cold. Intriguing last post you have there...reconnecting with god and goddess. Can't wait to hear more! R
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. Now that my baby is gone I don't know what I'm going to do but one thing I do know is that I appreciate you all more than ever - thanks for everything. (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
I posted pics in the entry entitled "Tattoo Pics", written on Sept 5th.
from pigger18 :
just wanted to pop in and say hi and thanks for the note.. <3 stay strong xoxo
from ethereal-red :
I've gotten that reaction too- "We'll go down to McDonald's and THEN you'll see fat!". It doesn't help one bit, I know. And it's about time I reconnect with the goddess and god myself...
from dimstar :
Ugh, I know... Its hard being around the "normals" because often what they say, no matter how much they are trying, makes us think thoughts like, "You mean I am fat so you will show me obese..." Though they totally don't mean it like that at all! I swear, it gets easier. (((hugs)))
from anainsight :
Hey honey, thanks for your sweet note. It's good info to know. I called Paige (that's my nutritionist) and left a message explaining what was going on, and I'm sure she'll call me when the holiday's over. I'm sorry you're feeling fat. That sucks. I'm sure t meant well, but there's just no way he could possibly understand. I'm struggling not to cut right now, nobody in my family could even begin to understand. They're all so damned NORMAL. How could they possibly know what I feel like? I doubt any of them have ever for even one minute had a self-destructive thought. Do they know how lucky they are? Somehow I doubt it. anyway. I am thinking of you and sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
I know the feeling. Those self-injury urges are bitches.
from enurta :
it's worth it if you really love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him. if you have doubts...then you shouldn't do it. marriage isn't easy, it's hard, every day is a struggle. and that's when you really love each other. if there is no love...your marriage will not survive.
from ethereal-red :
How's it going being vegan? Do you miss the chick'n nuggets? I looked and they have egg whites in them. :(
from luxelady :
who would say such a thing?? monster. xx luxe
from anainsight :
Basically, I got a package from UPS; it arrived completely opened. Merchandise still inside, but I don't know how. I complained about it in my diary and someone left me a note suggesting that the FBI or the police could have opened my package and that would mean they had a file on me. That upset me very, very much because I've never done anything wrong. Linda called me this morning to reassure me that whoever left that note was in error and not to let it mess with my mind. So I deleted all the related notes because they upset me too much to think about it. I'm still upset about it even tonight and it's been 12 hours since Linda tried to reassure me that nothing was wrong. That's why I had to go and delete all the related notes; I was too upset. Sorry for confusion. (((hugs)))
from fat0free0air :
I'm glad to see people are still kickin' around here. I always wonder what happened to the ones that aren't :(
from ethereal-red :
thanks :)
from emaciana :
in a way, that would be weird to be so open about it with someone you're intimate with but in a way it's good that he understands.
from ethereal-red :
Good for you for telling the truth!
from anainsight :
What's Moxy Fruvos?
from sapphire02 :
I wish we lived closer together...
from anainsight :
It's funny isn't it - how you've told him your worst secret and he doesn't flip out. You are very lucky. I told Rog about my cutting and purging and he's still here. I guess it's true what they say about those we love sticking to us through thick and thin.
from emaciana :
hey, i added you!
from susieq22 :
your entry "love" really hit home for me i said the exact thing to my boyfriend and i honestly beleive that he can and should do better than me. having an eating disorder is such a hellish situation as it not only affects you but ravages the lives of those you love as well. it is nice to know, however, that we have people who consider us their lives just as we do them. let that be the hope that helps you get through
from signyvolson :
their loss honey. it happens to the best of us and one day they'll be in your position...what goes around comes around. Tell her to stick her rent where the sun don't shine!
from enurta :
you're doing nothing wrong. those people don't deserve you, and you're probably better off without them. stay strong <3
from skinny--girl :
oh, shitty shitty stuff. it's too bad when friends back-track on what they say, then make you feel guilty to boot! especially when you're getting ready to be married!!! sometimes we just grow out of our friendships, i guess. as in one person matures and moves forward and the other doesn't. sorry for blabbering, but a lot of this is frustration from friendships i've lost in my own life in much the same way. i CAN say though, the friendships that mean something really do last! i'm so happy for you and t. maybe it's me, but ever since you mentioned getting back with him, your entries have been more upbeat, even through your struggles. take care, r
from anainsight :
Hey sweetie, thanks for your note. I'm thinking about you, too. Tori's coming here too and I would LOVE to see her, but the last two times I tried to go to a live performance it was such a disaster that I didn't even get tickets. I'd also have loved Police tickets too but they started at like two hundred bucks for even a kind of sucky seat. They're sold out now, of course. Oh well. Take care hun! (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
Have fun at the Tori concert! I love her!
from ethereal-red :
I'm locked now. username is diet and password is coke.
from skinny--girl :
Yay! congrats!
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. I am so happy for you about the rose and the ring. How utterly romantic! Just keep hanging in there with your therapy and I know you'll do well. As to me understanding about the new therapy, well, two years ago I was in grad school studying to be a licensed professional counselor. I had to leave school for financial reasons, but also because I came out of remission. But I still remember everything I was taught - maybe some day! Lots of love hun. (((hugs)))
from enurta :
Congratulations on your engagement!!! <3
from sapphire02 :
Congratulations on your engagement. Id' saydon't worry about what the others will thin, but I worried about the same thing when I got re-married.
from anainsight :
I think it means this: that you have certain expectations of yourself and you project this onto others when you interact with them. But supposing your expectations are too low, that you're not living up to your potential? I think that it means "deconstructing" the self that you've built that's flawed and helping you to construct a new self. It looks like it uses a lot of the techniques my therapist uses, particularly dream work - she does a lot of that.
from anainsight :
I got this off the internet for you: Dynamic Deconstructive Therapy (DDT) is a form of psychodynamic/psychoanalytic psychotherapy developed specifically for persons suffering from borderline personality disorder and co-occurring substance use disorders. Treatment is provided in individual sessions on a weekly basis for 12-18 months and is manual-based (unpublished manuscript). A randomized controlled trial is presently underway at SUNY Upstate Medical University to evaluate the efficacy of DDT, as compared to treatment as usual. The aim of DDT is to develop an integrated and differentiated self through four distinct stages of treatment and recovery (Gregory 2004). The major foci of treatment include: � Facilitating verbalization and integration of experiences through exploration of free associations, behaviors, dreams, drawings, and/or poetry � Providing deconstructive experiences in the treatment relationship that challenge projective expectations and facilitate differentiation of the self (Gregory 2005)
from ethereal-red :
Congratulations!!!
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks so much for your kind note. You're important to me, too and I love that you call me "peachie". I'm just really low right now and I needed to be reminded not to be, if that's possible. (((hugs)))
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. Yes, I know I need to quit just jumping on the scale willy-nilly, but I'm afraid of totally getting rid of it because I need to be accountable. I don't know, maybe once a week or something? What I really need to do is just get over it and not let what the numbers say throw me off so badly. Thinking of you! (((hugs)))
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. It means a lot to me - I don't have very many people cheering me on so it's good to hear it. I've got a long way to go and I know from experience it's easy to get discouraged, but I know I can do it if my friends back me up. (((hugs)))
from sapphire02 :
I wanted to become vegan, but I can't eat the fake stuff because of the wheat. I feel loads better eating protein...however, lately I've just been eating fruits and vegetables. Good luck, lots of people have great success with that lifestyle.
from enurta :
That's great. I was vegan for 3 years. It's a huge step, but it's worth it in the end. Just make sure you take your vitamins, and calcium, it's really important. If you don't you'll end up getting sick. *hugs*
from skinny--girl :
oh, also, as a vegan, you'll appreciate this: http://www.themeatrix.com/. sad but informative and will make you feel good about vegan choices! i am not a vegan, but my parents are small-herd dairy farmers, so it is an issue close to my heart. pass the link on! ps. from my own vegetarian days moons ago, you'll want to find a good tvp (http://www.harmonyhousefoods.com/tvp.html?gclid=COLx9a-nnI0CFQlQWAodI1nZ6g) to keep up on your protein. tvp is a low fat alternative to eating nuts all day :)
from skinny--girl :
hey girl, i haven't noted you in a while. been in one of my don't wanna journal funks. life is...life. it's actually not bad on my end, just...so many things i want to change about my self and situation, you know? it's hard to look at your life and go "this isn't quite what i had in mind..." anyway. i'm back at this journal for a while. i just feel like being anonymous lately. :) take care of yourself! it's always good to see your name lit up on my buddy page. -r
from kbc :
Try not to let what an ass like J had to say make you feel unworthy. You are every bit as competent as him and more. Exhibit A: he's the idiot who got caught badmouthing a coworker. Besides, his opinion is completely meaningless. HUGS!!!
from sapphire02 :
Try and hold you head up..I know that you'd like to just hide...stupid fucks! I'm so sorry.
from anainsight :
You go back into that office on Monday with that newly-coiffed head held HIGH. Look 'em all straight in the eye and give 'em attitude. You have just as much right to be there as they do. Just tell that "J" to go straight to hell the next time he comes "blasting" into your office. You have nothing to prove. I am sending you a great big hug from way down here in Georgia. peace!
from enurta :
I know how that feels. My gag reflex isn't working either...but that has been a good thing for me, I cannot binge because I know I cannot purge. And in the end, it's better to be able to eat and keep the food down than starving and purging after every meal. Maybe your body has had enough? and about hurting the ones that love you, I do exactly the same to N, so I know what you're talking about. just tell him you�re sorry, explain how you feel, maybe he will understand? it's not your fault that you are emotionally unstable. take care of yourself. *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
Thank you! I don't feel whole, either. I always feel empty. It's a strange feeling indeed.
from sapphire02 :
Oh my gosh, he sounds like my husband. Oh I hope things get better soon for you, love.
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note (((hugs))) I don't understand how you can think you're a ghost. You may think you left but that's not entirely true, it's just a feeling. Just like my therapist said to me the other day when I told her I felt like I hadn't been there with her at all, she told me a part of me had been there. It's the same thing for you, and the part of you that is there is beautiful, and I'm sure you can be healed and whole. Your boyfriend isn't missing one thing. Just let him love you for what you are and the rest will show up soon enough. (((luvs)))
from ethereal-red :
I'm so glad you have a boyfriend who cares for you so much. Leon was super dedicated to me, too, but it obviously did not work out. It was a total one-sided relationship, and besides that, I was a lesbian the whole time and totally faking it. I feel bad about that. Anyways, I hope it works out between you and T. Best of luck!
from sapphire02 :
I get that way at times. I jump at the slightest movement. *hugs* Hang in there. I know it's not easy.
from anainsight :
One time I was sitting in front of my therapist and I had forgotten to turn off my cell phone. It was very quiet because I was unable to open my mouth in front of her for the longest time. Then all of a sudden my cell phone rang and I almost jumped out of my skin. I think she wrote the words "startles easily" in my chart after that lolz. (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
Yes, I do. The chicken nuggets are by far my favorite. :)
from mixedup :
Email me your address!
from mixedup :
I know I've been all wrapped up with myself lately, but I think of you lots. Love you!
from anainsight :
Thanks for the hug, I really needed it (((hugs back))) So far I have been good and not given in to the ice cream craving. I guess it gets easier as you just keep doing it. peace!
from sapphire02 :
You are so kind! Thank you for reading my journal here. I don't feel quite so alone then.
from kbc :
For what it's worth: I would miss you if you disappeared.
from anainsight :
Sting, baby, Sting (yummmmmm) The tickets cost (get this) $92.00 for the shit seats, and over $250 bucks for decent seats. Doesn't look like I'll be going. They go on sale on Saturday morning at 10 a.m. and the show is November 17, they are expected to sell out within 10 minutes. Oh well, I suppose I could have driven up to see them headlining Bonneru but I am just not cut out for outdoor rock festivals in hot summer weather. But I sure do wish I could go hear that ROXANNE!
from kbc :
I'm so sorry you lost Eva.
from ethereal-red :
I'm so sorry you lost Eva... that's so sad :(, but at least she's not sick anymore.
from enurta :
I'm so sorry. Eva is in a better place now, and she will always be in your heart. The ones we love never leave us. They live on in our hearts forever. <3
from writergrrl88 :
I'm so sorry for your loss! *hugs*
from skinny--girl :
I'm so so sorry for your loss. Blessings and hugs, R
from anainsight :
Sweetie, I am so sorry you lost your little baby. I know it doesn't help right now but I hope you will remember how much you loved her and how much you tried to do the right thing for her. and remember, she will be waiting for you on the Rainbow Bridge someday. I am sending you a very tight hug from way down here in Georgia.
from enurta :
Oh I'm so sorry that Eva isn't feeling well. I can understand how much you love her and I hope she'll get better. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to my two dwarf hamsters or my cats...they are my babies too. So I totally understand. You and Eva will be in my thoughts. Good luck with everything. Take care <3
from ethereal-red :
I hope Eva gets well. Don't know what I'd do if Spike, my hamster, got sick. She's my little girl and I love her.
from anainsight :
I hope your little baby gets better - I understand perfectly. They are our little babies and we don't want anything to happen to them. I will be sending out good thoughts to you (and her). peace!
from anainsight :
Look at it this way - with insufficient funds you can't buy food, therefore you can't gain weight. Always has to be a brighter side to things. When's payday?
from anainsight :
If you have a good therapist, then they should be happy to see you regardless of whether or not you can make changes. I asked mine if it made her frustrated or mad when I seemed to get in a stuck place but she said no, she just felt sorry for me but she was happy to see me regardless. That should be his attitude - I'm sure it is. Don't despair, change comes, it just comes painfully slowly.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. You always know exactly what to say and I appreciate it more than I can say. I love being called "peachie", that's too cute. I am sending good thoughts your way, and a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from enurta :
I know exactly what that feels like. I hear that voice in my head too. But you know what? We're not worthless and we deserve better than this <3
from sapphire02 :
My God, I could have written that a couple of years ago. *hugs* Please be careful!
from anainsight :
I'm glad you were able to be honest with him, and I'm glad he's going to start tweaking your meds. I hope you get better soon. I am sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia. peace!
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for your kind note. I just hate having to start all over again, and I hate having broken my committment to no self-injury with my therapist- and with myself. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself... after all, it was just a slip. Everybody has slips, right?
from small-one :
i vote "tell him." you obviously need something that you aren't getting (don't we all?!?!?!) cyber-hugs to you.
from anainsight :
Well, I for one am really glad you started puking because it saved your life. I know you don't know me from Adam's housecat but I would have been very sad if you had succeeded. Even though you may not mean much to yourself, you mean a lot to me and I bet you mean a lot to more people than you think. I am sending good thoughts your way. peace!
from ethereal-red :
And *that* is why my providers do not let me have more than one week's worth of meds on me. I'd try to overdose. I'm so sorry that you're feeling so terrible :( and I hope you feel better soon. I'm glad you called your friend and your friend came to your assistance. Just tell your doctor the truth. I sure hope he doesn't blow you off.
from pieridae :
oh no! i didn't mean for you to feel stupid in the least. you're absolutely not. i turned that phrase over in my head for probably close to a year before it hit me. and maybe it won't ever mean anything to you, in your life. but your moment is out there -- a moment of clarity and of peace with your life. i promise you'll find it someday, you just have to keep breathing. <3 R
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. It really made me smile. I am sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia. peace!
from pieridae :
just a pre-warning that this will be a long note :) i work in a residential tx center, and one of my coworkers, a man who has been working with troubled kids for longer than i've been alive told me his definition of depression. he said, "depression is anger turned inward." now, i have a BS in psychology, and i've worked with kids for almost 10 years, and i read a lot AND i've had my own therapists, and i had never heard that one. depression is anger turned inward. i didn't buy it at first, with all the "knowledge" in my head talking about neurotransmitters and self-esteem and self-worth and all that other crap. but i rolled it around in my head for a while - a long while - because it kept coming back. at strange random moments that line would come into my head and i would be forced to think about it. then one day i understood what he meant. it's such a simple little thing, but it helped me and maybe it will help you too.
from pieridae :
life is filled with irony. depression can be so alluring. except it's harder and harder to climb out each time. the last time for me i thought i wouldn't make it, the hole was so deep. so enjoy your darkness, but don't dig so deep that you can't get out again, when you're ready. Take care, R
from ethereal-red :
I understand. I feel the same way.
from enurta :
I know you probably already know this but you shouldn�t fast if your taking medication. You can seriously injure your internal organs. It very dangerous to fast when you are taking medication like antidepressants or/and antipsychotics. I know because my doctor told me. Eat at least a cracker or a rice cake before or after you take your medication. Take care of yourself. <3
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. My therapist said I did good work today. All I know is that it was terribly hard, but I'm trying to get past all of that. peace!
from signyvolson :
But then who would I read??
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for the note. I'm way too hard on myself.
from signyvolson :
at least someone is getting some!! If its no good timing honey, let her know. x
from enurta :
I know I've only read a couple of entries so far, but I can relate to so much of what you're going through. I just wanted to say that you are not alone. <3
from kbc :
Thanks so much! It is pretty much my dream job and I still can't quite believe that I got it (I don't tend to get the things I want the most). How are you doing? Please try to take care of yourself. Hugs! K
from pieridae :
hey! i'm still here! just not in a posting sort of way lately. haven't been writing much at all, actually, aside from my sims story :) (http://thedipoteres.diaryland.com/061221_80.html). Life just IS lately. I suppose I should start writing it all down again. I always regret when I don't. Hmmm. Sorry my note turned out to be a weird rant about myself. Just my thoughts are all jumbled up lately. I hope you fall into the "roomie" life routine easily, and that your life is soon filled again. take care, r
from laydeejane :
aka signyvolson. No I can swear that the individual mentioned was not you. No need to be paranoid, I actually like and sympathise with you xx
from anainsight :
Hey there, good luck on the opening of the new door and the new place and everything like that. I'll be thinking of you. (((hugs))) from a "Georgia peach" (smile)
from anainsight :
I know that sick feeling within, when you know that life should be better but it isn't, and it seemingly never will be. I'm feeling it right now. I'm with you and if I were not way down here in Georgia I would give you a hug.
from pieridae :
Just breathe. You have the strength. You'll be okay. ((((((HUGS))))))
from kbc :
If anyone can sympathize about the mother thing, it's me. I feel for you. I don't have any magical words that will make it better, but know that I'm thinking of you. For the record: boys are stupid. Period. End of story.
from kbc :
For what it's worth: HHHHUUUUGGGG
from ethereal-red :
I'm so sorry. :(
from pieridae :
that sounds so hard. email me if you're [email protected]
from signyvolson :
what the hell happened?????
from sapphire02 :
I'm so, so sorry!
from kbc :
I'm so sorry. Please stay strong. I'm thinking about you.
from pieridae :
i'm so sorry dear. -rachel
from mixedup :
love you.
from anainsight :
Hey, I'm sorry things are so bad right now but I sincerely hope things will get better for you. Please don't do anything "drastic" to yourself. I know you don't know me from Adam's housecat but I care about you and I will be thinking of you. Take good care. peace!
from kbc :
I know exactly how you feel on that one. FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT
from pieridae :
hey lady -- nothing much new on my end. lots of random writings from old journals, nothing new at all. thoughts of grad school, lately. just something - different. life is life is life. wishing for you beautiful dreams and happier days to come. - R
from sapphire02 :
LOL! Where do you want to go? I'm game for anywhere. Thanks for the note, I appreciate it.
from kbc :
I believe in you.
from anainsight :
OK, I deleted your last note. Let me think about it - I'm not very knowledgeable about what an attorney does on a day-to-day basis, but one thing I do know, and that is that the concept of "Teflon Mind" is one of the most useful and important concepts you can take away from dbt. I can imagine that the life of an attorney is very stressful, and that a lot of times you get people unloading on you. That's where "Teflon Mind" is most useful. Give me a few days to dig out my old dbt notebook. I have a journal entry from 2001 that you might find helpful that I'd like to share with you. I'm a musician myself, and we're preparing a concert for Spivey Hall on Saturday, and we're going to record it, so I'll be busy for a while, but I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can. In the meantime, just breathe and read over your dbt book. I'll be thinking of you. peace!
from anainsight :
What kind of work are you going to be doing? Just wondering; I've had a LOT of dbt and I was thinking maybe I could think about it and give you some tips. Like I said, don't worry yourself when there's no cause to worry.
from anainsight :
You have no idea how fortunate you are to be employed. I haven't worked in God only knows how long and it just doesn't look good for me. I am so pleased for you. And don't start worrying about your therapy; if he said you can work something out, you can work something out. Enjoy your new job, and keep hold of your DBT book and read it, you'll find the skills very useful for everyday life situations like the workplace. I'll be thinking about you. (((big hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
Congratulations on being employed! That's a huge step for you. I'm sorry, though, about the DBT and therapy issues coming up. I hope something can be worked out, but if not, take time to grieve for the loss of your therapist (when I had to stop seeing mine after 6 years because insurance wouldn't pay for two therapists [fortunately I still see my newer one, Jenny], I cried for two days, but still keep in touch with her), and be sure to employ the skills you have learned so far in DBT to help deal with all of this. Best of luck! I'll be thinking of you.
from kbc :
Congrats on the job!! I hope something does work out with your therapist; you seem to have a good relationship with him.
from anainsight :
I don't know how to tell you how to turn off the waterworks, so to speak. I wish I could turn mine on. If I could cry I think I would feel better. My therapist thinks so, too. anyway. But I do know this - pay close attention to the Emotion Regulation skills in DBT and try to put them into practice, it really does work. Hope you continue to try to get at what's bothering you. I'm thinking about you. hugs and peace!
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for the note, and thanks for the support!
from ethereal-red :
My DBT group is beginning Emotion Regulation very soon. I'm kind of scared about it because I don't like to feel my emotions, either. I hope I don't cry!
from anainsight :
See, isn't it fun? Glad you enjoyed!
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. I did need to hear that about not letting the guilt get to me. But it's hard. Thanks again! (((hugs)))
from pieridae :
hello dear! haven't left a note for you in a while -- though I read every update. glad you are with a therapist who seems to know what he's doing. i know you have struggled with that in the past. hope things ar good with you and t. things here are going along well, with a few random emotional outbursts from me. why why why why why? why when i have this awesome man right here who loves me and protects me and nurtures me do i have to do and say these things? so, i'm right there with you. okay, i guess this note is long enough. :) take care, rachel
from kbc :
Thanks for your note. I'm already beginning to see the addictive qualities in it. I've already moved from the arm to my scalp (invisible and bleeds more; somehow the blood is the biggest release for me). I really need to find an escape from my mother. I am slowly dying because of her. I hope things are going better for you.
from anainsight :
Thanks for your note - sure enough, she came home from the groomer acting like a Princess-Diva. We went to the bank afterward and of course, everybody had to come to the window to see how cute she looked. And of course, she had to sit and "speak" for her treat that they always give her. Aren't little poodles funny. I love mine better than silver and gold and diamonds and jewels.
from kbc :
Thanks for the note sweetie. I appreciate that. :)
from ethereal-red :
Thanks so much. That means a lot to me. :) And, hey, I added you as a favorite. I don't know why I didn't have you on there sooner.
from mixedup :
I'm glad you had the strength to leave. *hugs*
from pieridae :
good for you! you are stronger than you think. keep it up! pieridae
from anainsight :
Hey there, I hope your session went well! I still think that was a good idea because you so clearly expressed what you want. It's hard to work with a new therapist, I know that, and I imagine it's twice as hard to work with a male instead of a female, they're so much more Type A. My therapist is very gentle with me, and I somehow doubt a male therapist would be. Men just don't have that kind of mindset. anyway. Keep me posted on how it went. peace!
from anainsight :
Your therapist just wants to make sure you are serious about getting help. Maybe you should copy the journal entry word for word and take it to him. I've done that quite a number of times, like when I've had a dream or something happened that I've been raving about - a lot of times it comes out better in my journal entries than it does when I try to complete "homework" assignments. In any case, those sound like perfectly good goals to me, just have the courage to communicate it to him in some fashion. I'll be thinking of you. (((hugs)))
from pieridae :
sound like great goals to me. thank you for the note - LOL! It's an awful pic! I have no makeup aside from gloss and my ratty old t shirt, but i loved the light play. later - r
from pigger18 :
they may seem lame to you and yeah since you are seeing a therapist its obvious you want help...Having specific goals in mind in what you want to achieve aids in the therapuetic process, it kind of lets you and your therapist know what you are working for...puts things in perspective to have an idea of what or where you want to be. And your list is not lame its eloquently put and shows that you have insigh as to what you want to work on but dont know quite sure how to get there...Hope that made sense.
from anainsight :
hi, thanks so much for your sweet note. I only had him 2 years but they were the best 2 years of my life. It was more than 20 years ago but that doesn't matter. Thankfully I saw him at the reunion 2 years ago; it was for the last time. I still sometimes pretend he was my dad. anyway. Thanks again!
from pieridae :
Aaaaww...i just got your note and thank you so much! you are a blessing in my life too and you put a happy note on the beginning of my day! - R
from signyvolson :
thats really sad - don't do it!! Keep him around, you need him more than you think xx
from pieridae :
Hiya lux! Always so nice to see your name lit up in red...someone once told me to "be with the one who makes you want to be a better person." I struggled with that for a while with B, because he says he is content with me as is, just wants me to be happy, blah blah, until i realized THAT is my greatest struggle -- being happy. go figure. relationships are tough and crazy and wonderful and stressful and stifling and liberating and so many other things all rolled into one. best wishes, as always - R
from ethereal-red :
Hey! I absolutely love my DBT group. The members are so helpful and supportive. The leaders, one of whom is my own therapist, are excellent as well. The material is difficult but very applicable. It can be hard to understand, but my leaders make sure that at the end of group, everybody understands the material, and if not, we all know that we can talk to the leaders and they can help us understand. I started going in September and I am glad that my therapist had me join.
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your note. I downloaded the one by silverchair yesterday. peace!
from kbc :
Hi Lux. T is probably scared and feeling completely powerless to help you. (either that or he's a jerk, but I'll go with my former assessment) You are in my thoughts. I hope you find some peace. Kara
from ethereal-red :
Thank you. :)
from anainsight :
Hi, thanks for your note. some people don't know when to keep their mouths shut. anyway. Have a good day - I don't know what part of the U.S. you're in but it's awfully cold down here in Georgia right now. stay warm. peace!
from anainsight :
Note me back with your e-mail and I'll send you the password - however I don't know if you'll want it if you hate fat. It's up to you though. peace!
from pieridae :
remember people only rage when they care. the opposite of love is not hate -- it's indifference. he cares, of course, or he would not care so much. take care, be well and happier days ahead...
from sapphire02 :
*gentle hugs* Hang in there.
from mixedup :
Hope you're doing well. *hugs*
from pieridae :
you're back! oh welcome welcome back! *BIG HUGS*
from pieridae :
you're back! oh welcome welcome back! *BIG HUGS*
from sapphire02 :
*hugs* I haven't been on lately. I really hope you are okay.
from kbc :
I hope things get better for you.
from pieridae :
welcome back and welcome home. you do belong here not there. when it all comes crashing down i try to remember that i am sane, it's just the world that makes me crazy. take care, be strong - rachel
from pieridae :
hey there, thanks for the note. still around, still alive. actually things have been good lately, really good...maybe i don't want to jinx it by writing about it, i don't know. isn't it crazy how humans are supposed to be so evolved and we're really just all fucked up? life is so strange. but everything happens for a reason -- i believe that. there is a reason you suffered through law school -- you just might not know what it is yet. :) -R
from sapphire02 :
How did you get the background on your journal? I've been away from this thing so long, I didn't realize that we can.
from sapphire02 :
luxelady pwd=ana4me
from kbc :
Good luck to you. I'm sure it can't be easy.
from anyra :
thanx Lux, Yet, i don't have the time to read how your doing life, hope you are happy. i'll take time to read you during the weekend. Your note makes me smile, you are so kind! big kisses
from sapphire02 :
Thanks for your note. I didn't think anyone read anymore so I wrote more in my LiveJournal. I will make sure I update more often.
from kbc :
Thank you for your concerns. I'm pretty freaked out about it. Good luck with the new job! Sounds like fun! :)
from kbc :
Oh dear.
from kbc :
I have to suffer through one more year. Thank god I'm doing the intensive for fall semester and won't have any real classes. I think the fact that I can't actually envision myself working as a lawyer should tell me something.
from pieridae :
THank you for the birthday wishes. I'm 30! I'm fucking 30! Oy. But I did get a brand new baby kitten, so I think that makes it all okay...Will post pics tomorrow! R
from leasha95 :
its been forever since ive been on here...i used to write..everyday. i hope all is well, i have yet to catch up and read your entries. take care!!
from tfrunner262 :
Hey, I just randomly came across your diary and I hope you don't mind if I read.
from pieridae :
OMG! OMFG!! CONGRATS! R
from kbc :
YAY!!!!!!!!! Congratulations!!
from kbc :
Puppies!!!!
from soulsojourn :
Congrats to you! You are now officially my hero. R
from kbc :
Good luck with the job hunt! I hope something amazing finds you. :)
from amazinfuckup :
You start by being honest, since pretty much everything starts with being honest. After that, well, I haven't really mastered after that, so anything I could tell you would be hypocritical. Maybe we are all people pleasers deep down. But at least you are on the right track.
from soulsojourn :
thank you for your note, and of course you are welcome for my thoughts. if my crazy chaos can help someone then it makes it much more bearable. everything makes me cry these days...but they're cleansing tears, good for the soul. i connect with your journal because it feels real, and that is hard to find in this f'ed up world. your life isn't wasting away...you are young (I am young!). besides, all the greats get their start late in life. i just made that up, but it sounds totally good, doesnt' it? take care, r
from soulsojourn :
I thought about your entry a lot this week, and came up with entirely too much to put in a note. So it's here, http://soulsojourn.diaryland.com/060501_68.html, at my diary. I was also thinking of two books to recommend, "The Merry Recluse" by Caroline Knapp and "A Woman of Substance" by Barbara Taylor Bradford. The former because it is filled with great perspectives on life, and the latter because it's a wonderfully cheesy read about a woman who battles all the odds to succeed. Take care, R
from closet-ho85 :
hey luxe I read your diary entry and I felt like you were talking to me so I thought I'd leave a message.I'm the same exact way and it's very difficult to negotiate your feelings and your needs with those of others when you have this constant need to please others.even when I'm being selfish I feel like I'm just doing it because someone told me to.It's a very hard way to live becuase you end getting hurt time and time again becuase people take advantage of it.good luck and hope you find a happy medium.I haven't. : )
from honulife :
(rmari777)...this is my new diary :)
from rmari777 :
well...just a thought...by trying to cut your friend out of your life...and insisting that she is 'bad' for you, your bf is doing just what your bff has feared all along...threatening your 'independent' status. but that's just a simplistic observation from the outside looking in... but i also must say...i've been in this situation...except i was the friend who hated my best friend's boyfriend...and he succeeded in breaking us up...through months of passive manipulation. that's not to say that i didn't want to get rid of him...but he won the battle because he had her heart. so please, for my sake, don't allow yourself to become unaware of the implications of this situation...you're going to have to be very careful to not start pushing one of these people out of your life as a result of the wishes of the other. stay true to yourself...only time will tell who your allies really are.
from sarahsundae :
I own the �Donnie Darko� directors cut. LOL We actually saw that in the theatre in 2004 when they re-released it. It was so cool.
from soulsojourn :
yay! notes are back! okay, from my experience there are three reasons people hate each other: 1) Jealousy, 2)Similarity, and 3) All of the above. Jealousy if they simply do not want to share you. Similarity is what happens when two people are so alike they can't stand to be around each other because it amplifies all the things they hate about themselves. People only seem to HATE each other for selfish reasons. When they truly are concerned that so-and-so isn't right for you, it doesn't come out as hate; it comes out as concern, sympathy, etc. All you can do, I think, is keep reminding the two that they are important to you, and why you want them to get along. Hopefully, they will get over it. Have you tried locking them in a padded room together? Just kidding. I hope their feud ends well, it's so hard when people you care about don't care about each other. Take care, R
from kbc :
Yay! I can leave notes again! I so sorry that your boyfriend and best friend hate each other. What is the basis for it (personality, style, does one eat babies for breakfast)? All I can suggest is letting them know how important each of them is to you and how hard it for you that they can't even pretend to get along for your sake. If all else fails, I guess creating distance between them may be all you can do; make your best friend off limits as far as conversation goes with your boyfriend and vice versa. I don't envy your position. My mom hates my boyfriend and has no idea/doesn't care how much it would mean to me if she'd get over her snobbery and be happy for me. Take care, K.
from kbc :
Thanks for the note lady. That's one of our profs favourites too. That and the rule in Brown v. Dunn: if you lead evidence to contradict a witness, you have to put that evidence before him when he is on the stand rather than blindside him afterwards. Kill me.
from kbc :
Thanks for your note. It's comforting to know that people actually live through law school. It's the most dehumanizing and impersonal experience I've ever gone through. Halfway done, though... can't give up now. :S
from leasha95 :
today / tomorrow :)
from skinny--girl :
oh, that bites. when did you start drinking again? i've been out of the d-land scene for awhile. our country is so f-ed up. you find a great doctor-therapist-whatever, then, bam - change jobs, change insurance, change-of-life - oops, sorry, you can't see them anymore. just keep remembering all you have accomplished this year, and keep searching, maybe you can find a (free) therapist you do click with - r
from me-destruitt :
Not actually back, sorry. Just didn't want to lose all my entries due to inactivity. Thanks for remembering me, though. I'm on myspace.com...so if you have it tell me, and I'll send you my link.
from leasha95 :
hey hun~ its been a long time! just curious if i can get your passwords to read your diary again! thanks~ luv leasha
from krichelle :
you and me both babe.. isn't it awful to get those moments of relief and then go back to the lows.. cuz it makes the lows feel lower? it's like the rilo kiley song.. but the lows they get so low that the high seems fucking cheap and it teases you for weeks with it's absense... *lalala*
from fat0free0air :
Ah I love you! xoxo.
from voicewithin :
OMG thats me and my 2 friends FAVE song to listen to and bump in the car. oh man, LOVE it
from comfortm :
Thank you.
from fat0free0air :
That's a really good way to look at it, it make sense. I just don't believe those recovered ones that say "I don't even feel the pull towards it anymore, it's like I never had it"
from fat0free0air :
=) Thanks, it's refreshing to hear that because sometimes it feels like everything. I need to focus more on me than what others think of me. <3<3<3
from kbc :
Seriously, why are boys so dumb?
from kbc :
I met my boyfriend on LavaLife. We were just friends for about a year while I was dating another LavaLifer but we have now been together for over two years and live together. I've never had a bad experience meeting people because you get to pre-screen them. If they are annoying on MSN, they'll be annoying in person so I just never met any of them. Good luck with it! Kara
from vla :
That's so awesome! Congratulations!!
from signyvolson :
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!GO YOU!!!
from kbc :
That is awesome!!!! Congratulations!!!!
from soulsojourn :
YEAAAAAAAAAH! I know this might sound cheesy or whatever, but I'm so proud of you!!!! - r
from soulsojourn :
just keep saying this over and over..."I will kick ass, I will kick ass, I will kick ass." Just don't actually say it out loud in the interview. :) You'll do great. - r
from kbc :
Good luck!!!
from kbc :
I'm glad you like our little country. I grew up near Niagara-on-the-lake (in St. Catharines) and spent many summer days picking strawberries with my dad there or going for ice cream at the "Avondale in the middle of nowhere" as we called it. Let me tell you, though, some Canucks can be right saucy bitches. ;)
from krichelle :
thanks for taking me to the beach with you.. no, really. you took me there
from krichelle :
one of my friends from highschool took the mcat a while ago.. two mins into it, he realized he was completely unprepared, and started laughing.. and laughing.. and laughing.. hysterically, couldn't stop, didn't take the test, got escorted out of the room, paramedics called and what not.. just be glad you didn't manage to do THAT..
from vla :
At least you're done! I bet you're dying to know the results though. How annoying to have to wait...
from soulsojourn :
oh my. i have to say i laughed out loud at what your dad said to make you feel better. that would've made me feel like a big pile of crap. but yay! you're done and you did it and that's more than a whole lot of people could say. of course, it's not like that time in 'nam, when i saved a whole village of dismembered lepers with only a butter knife, but hey, it sure is something. :) take care - r
from kbc :
This is a little late but good luck on the Bar. I'm glad I have another three years until I'm in that position. Have fun in beautiful Buffalo... cough cough. Kara
from skinny--girl :
ha! maybe we can trade places for a while, or better yet, we'll trade places with some brazilian beach girls and go hang out on the beach, in peaceful blissful ignorance, while they deal with our shit up here! -R
from vla :
Hey, thanks for adding me. Can I have your password so I can read you too? [email protected].
from kbc :
179 is an impressive number of notes. I don't update nearly as much as I used to but then again, my life is ridiculously boring and I can't imagine anyone wanting to read about my crazy mother, my wonderful boyfriend, or my weight issues. I do what I can, though. Take care!
from kbc :
I know (to some extent) how you feel. There are times when I want nothing more than to slice my stomach open, roll back the layers, and scrape the fat away.
from skinny--girl :
you're welcome for the note. i've read you for a long time now and i meant every word of it. i'm also truly very very sorry you can't drink. so now you know what my big problem is...R (aka soulsojourn)
from soulsojourn :
if you do better, or not, if you pass the bar or fail it or never even take it, you will be okay. spend your time and your life doing what makes you happy, not what makes you feel crazy, or less-than. you are powerful, you are strong, you are wise beyond your years, even when your head tells you otherwise. -r
from closet-ho85 :
You haven't written in summergirl in a while I miss it... : (
from skinny--girl :
thanks for the note. most people drive me nuts most of the time, but some definitely more than others. must be my virgo-ness.
from signyvolson :
It will be worth it when you are rolling in money!!!! Take care x
from soulsojourn :
thanks for the note. that's too bad about you not being able to use the counselor you are in synch with. don't you love our systems f-ed up way of "healing" people. everyone we see is dictated by what organization we belong to, or what insurance we have, or the X-number of appointments they will pay for...blah. sorry for the random rant. all i meant to say was that you could try telling your new counselor what bothers you about her -- if she really wants to learn to be better she should appreciate the feedback. - R
from kbc :
Thanks for the password. We never touched that kind of stuff in Property. We learned about easements and gifts and Native rights, etc but nothing too complex. I can't figure out how I failed. Clearly I'm a dipshit.
from kbc :
Hey. Thanks for the birthday note. I really didn't think anyone even bothered to read my minimal updates anymore. Could you please send me your un and password, I miss reading your diary. [email protected] Cheers.
from skinny--girl :
hooray! you did it! and, i'm right there with you on the terrified-to-be-a-grown-up thing, which is why i am 28 with an entry level job and no master's degree. blah. so, knowing that about me, you can see why i really am impressed that you made it. congrats and hugs! - r
from bone-fetish :
CONGRADULATIONS!!!!!
from fat0free0air :
Thanks! I'm a total dork when in comes to computers in the sence that I have no idea what I'm doing haha. xo.
from signyvolson :
Thanks, you didn't have to. x
from voicewithin :
seriously! if you dont own a pair of sevens (seven for all mankind, i dono if people anywhere other than cali call them sevens) i highly recommend you buy them, they are wonderful!!
from zoerouge :
thanks for the notes! Im surprised someone still reads my diary!
from signyvolson :
I'm such a tragic sap, you just made my day. The un is password and the other bits protected. Original I know but I have a crappy memory. I will warn you however that it is horribly dull and the same as every angsty diary going. Also, could you erase this note so my password isn't out there? Thanks!
from voicewithin :
would u mind giving me ur un/pwd? i used to love reading ur diary and i want to read it again. if not thats ok too. i hope everything is going ok. u can email me at [email protected] <3Chantelle
from happydiary :
Wow, that's pretty open and honest at a therapy session. Congrats, that's absolutely wonderful. -Dani
from happydiary :
a) don't apologize and b) often anti-depressants don't work too well unless you eat. -Dani
from pigger18 :
If you are really serious about getting help then you should tell them the whole truth. I know it may be hard but its really the best thing to do. You may feel that they may be disappointed in you, but the truth is knowing this will better help them to help you, and trust the only one that may be disappointed or disapproving of what or anything you do is you. I hope that helped...Dani...xoxo ♥
from happydiary :
Hey, you really should tell your treatment team the whole truth. You want to get better right? Well, they're only there to help you so be honest with them. Also, you should see your psychiatist (or call?) again and tell him/her your concerns. I know it's hard to see what meds could actually accomplish but there is researched evidence that they work. Often with mental illnesses people can get stuck in the stereotype that they're not really illnesses. But quite frankly, there are REAL physiological problems (often with neurotransmitters) that can cause you to experience depression, delusions, dependencies, etc. So yeah, there's my 2 cents. Good luck. -Dani
from rmari777 :
it is rather interesting that we've built some sort of community on secrets...almost ironic. but anyways...thanks for the note...i'm doing everything i can, which really isn't much...but a plan is something, right? -rach
from happydiary :
"I can resist anything except temptation" -Oscar Wilde.
from fatnomore :
That's the thing...there is no pilot light! It's the weirdest contraption...electric coils heat up to a certain temp, then the gas shoots on and that's how it lights. Right now, I can see the coils heating, but the gas isn't getting lit. Weirdness.
from jellybeanz- :
lol while i'm at it could i get ur pw too lol heres mine user- fatty pass- lumpkins
from fat0free0air :
Thanks so much!
from fat0free0air :
Thanks so much!
from fat0free0air :
Thanks so much!
from fat0free0air :
Hey! All the passwords on my computer got deleted sooo I can't read your diary :(. Can you E-Mail it to me again?? [email protected]
from rmari777 :
hey love...i was on lexapro for...oy...about four or five months? but it didn't give me any negative side effects as far as i could tell...though they had me pretty doped up on everything else at that point so i don't know how effective it was in the end... honestly...with the meds...just be safe...if they start giving you all kinds of shit and one day you realize you're taking twenty pills a day then you need to find someone else to help you out, cuz it's not natural for anyone to be living like that...but otherwise i think just an anti-depressant couldn't hurt...i'm actually trying to get back on myself. -rach
from happydiary :
You should go and tell your counselor what happened and see if you can come up with strategies to make it not happen again, or at least ways to deal with the apathy. Sweetie, I feel for you. This too shall pass. -Dani
from laydeejane :
You're going to be fine.
from soulsojourn :
oh drat - the password you gave me doesn't work. but, if you need privacy, i do respect that, and i understand. sometimes the prying eyes are too much. take care and be well. - r
from deadpassive :
I added you, I used to read you before. I hope that's okay? xxx
from happydiary :
That was a very poetic entry. -Dani
from happydiary :
It'll be okay. It really will. Good Luck! -Dani
from soulsojourn :
hope all is well with you. - r
from rmari777 :
aren't we all paranoid? i changed the un/pwd to hallway/dweller because 1, i'm strange; and 2, it's easier. for some reason i can't get into your diary though??
from closet-ho85 :
hey...i'm a little dissappointed that you put a password on your diary but I respect you privacy.However if you don't mind giving it out to a select few then could you please email it me?I so enjoy your diary [email protected]
from laydeejane :
Hey, any chance of getting your password please?
from bone-fetish :
Username/password, please? I miss reading you...
from rmari777 :
i still read! can i have your un/pword? thanks love! -rachel
from pigger18 :
I was wondering if I could have you un and pw thanks, emial addy, [email protected]
from happydiary :
Hmmm, could I get a password please? -Dani
from happydiary :
This too shall pass. -Dani
from celticshadow :
No, it didn't change...after dland had its little server issue, all the locked diaries suddenly didn't work. Does it work now?
from happydiary :
Yay that you're confronting things in the book!!! It's so hard, I know, but my therapist always has this weird analogy about gonig through a carwash. That's sometimes how I think of confrontation. -Dani
from lastboy :
That hand thing's a pretty neat trick.
from happydiary :
Oh, and one more thing: "Dear diary, my teenage angst has a body count" (I watched Heathers on TV as well)-Dani
from happydiary :
My $.02: You must remember that you have a disease. No one chooses to get cancer but they do choose to get chemo or radiation therapy and they do choose to fight it at whatever percentage of effort they want. However, the sneaky thing with ED is that they make you think things that aren't true. They alter your sense of reality in such a way that sometimes you just can't see what you're fighting. Hmmm, so it's like cancer on PCP. Hmmmmmm...anyway, I'm glad yo ulike the book. A book that's not directly related to alcohol but is incredible is "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey. I have a love of books about addictions. Hugs, Dani
from me-destruitt :
www.thinpages.com. Click on 'Thin Forums'...you have to register to get to the main part. Hope to see you around. :) -Laura
from me-destruitt :
Thank you...and I still read you every day. I'm over at TF if you visit there...same username as this one. Take care of yourself. xoxo -Laura
from jazzyana :
Haven't been on here in a while, but I got your note through e-mail. I'm very touched you rememered me, in awe actually. And I hope you are doing good as well. Count it as a blessing that you have "come to terms" with the death of your grandmother, and did not have to suffer with grief... it is a gift, this time.
from me-destruitt :
Starving is definitely no walk in the park; it's painful, and scary, and can feel so lonely. But bulimia is fucking hell on earth. What do you do now? If you still have any ounce of control over this, then stop...please. It only gets worse. **hugs** -Laura
from kbc :
All I have to say is this law shit better pay off in the end! What kind of law is it you want to go into? I'm still a baby at this but I think I want to do something corporate. I'm just afraid I'll end up being one of THOSE lawyers (the ones who sell their soul for money). Good luck on your exams! kara
from jellybeanz- :
congrats on going a month without cutting, i kno wat thats like.. good luck :)
from happydiary :
You know, if coffee really does come out of your ears could you take a picture and send it to me? Cause hey, that'd be pretty interesting. Good luck on finals! -Dani
from comfortm :
hey thanks so much!
from rmari777 :
thanks so much for the message...i tend to get caught up in the details...and ignore the bigger picture. by the way, i locked my diary out of paranoia...lol...so just leave me your email so that i can get you a password.
from voicewithin :
hi, im a senior in high school, and for my senior paper im doing it on ana and pro-ana and i was wondering if you would be willing to do an interview through email or im or something? (u can leave me a note, or email me [email protected] or im me at lilchantey) thanks ~chantelle
from voicewithin :
hi, im a senior in high school, and for my senior paper im doing it on ana and pro-ana and i was wondering if you would be willing to do an interview through email or im or something? (u can leave me a note, or email me [email protected] or im me at lilchantey) thanks ~chantelle
from happydiary :
5 5 5 for my lonely and 6 6 6 for my sorrow....Love that!
from kbc :
Thank you so much for your message. My assignment is taking much longer than I would like but at least I now understand what I'm doing. I now realize, though, why lawyers pay paralegals to do the grunt work. Take care! K
from soulsojourn :
"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." __Carlos Casteneda not that it makes it any easier....
from sapphire02 :
I wake up thinking, today I won't.. I am good for one day, then I fall... All my thoughts center around food and alcohol.
from happydiary :
Have you read "Drinking, A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp? If not, you might check it out. -Dani
from comfortm :
thank you.
from sapphire02 :
Every morning I wake up I think I'm going to have a heart attack or stroke. I guess it goes with the territory?
from fatnomore :
Hey! 25 is Fabulous! Happy birthday! Cheers.
from sapphire02 :
Happy Birthday..I'm not sure if you are that thrilled but I hope it was a good day.
from rmari777 :
happy birthday! take care of yourself...and have lots of fun!
from soulsojourn :
HaPpY BiRtHdAY!! And remember, the rain's as important as the sun, it's just a little darker.
from me-destruitt :
Happy Birthday! Try and remember to smile, Hun. xoxo -Laura
from happydiary :
Happy Birthday You! Way to survive another year. Keep it up. Hugs, Dani
from soulsojourn :
beaver...teaser? is that less offensive, or more? i'm not quite sure. there are some movies that have been destroyed by the censorship of words...ever tried to watch the breakfast club on tbs? fucking impossible, or should i say, fudging impossible?
from me-destruitt :
I know exactly what you mean...the only difference, I do get the attention I'm seeking when I get thin. Me and my parents play this game...I go back to college, lose 30 lbs, come home, they force feed me and I gain weight, then I come back up here and lose it again, and the cycle continues. I claim I hate it, but I know I really don't. In my 20 years on this earth I've only seen my father cry once, and it was when I had developed anorexia the first time and was literally eating less than 200 calories a week. He said he wouldn't just sit there and watch me actively kill myself. And I've been trying for years to get back there; to see him cry for me again. That sounds so sick and twisted written out, but it's the truth. I want the world to cry for me; I want them to feel the pain I feel, so I show them it through my bones. It's interesting when you actually stop and think about it, huh? -Laura
from sapphire02 :
I saw that you had added me to your diary...Well I've added you as well. I must say, you and I have a lot in common. I love reading your writing.
from celticshadow :
Not quite, but thanks lux. :)
from happydiary :
Wow, that entry was so hard. I have nothing to offer you but my best wishes. -Dani
from happydiary :
So the first time I was in IP at methodist I encountered the following phrase: Your worth is not determined by the number on the scale. Your entry made me think of that. -Dani
from ofsuch :
in the midst of your constant running my love, close your eyes for a nanosecond, and know that you are on my mind and in my heart. lots of hugs and love only for you
from rachim251 :
hey luxe!!! hope everything is going great for you girl. two more months of college and i'm out for good. i dont think it was worth it staying for this football season since alabama keeps on losing. oh well. at least LSU got beat last weekend. anyways...luvs ya girl, rach
from happydiary :
I always liked mr. pink best. He was the funny one.
from happydiary :
I'm so sorry sweetie. You're in my thoughts. Take things one step at a time. Hugs. -Dani
from closet-ho85 :
oh god I am so sorry at what happened to you.take care of yourself and I am so bowled over by what a srong person you are even all through this.Just keep survinving and you will find the answers that you are looking for.Good luck
from celticshadow :
login: this | pass: life
from summerluva :
Hang in there babe..
from ana-mia-life :
what you said about appetite and life is very true and poetic. lovely entry, i can totally relate to it. take care-
from me-destruitt :
Wow...I know EXACTLY what you mean. I just never knew the right words to explain it before.
from ofsuch :
hello my dear... dare i go so far as to say hello my love? not in any way that we are in fact lovers, just that i care for you quite a bit, even though we have never met. i have missed you this summer, and thought about you a lot. please know that I care about you so much. My hope is that this school year you find peace and love in your mind and emotions. all i want to do is hug you and sigh. :)
from voicewithin :
Hi, I really found your diary on a pro-ana site, I liked it.. I'm adding it to my faves if you don't mind.
from ana-mia-life :
i only lost three lbs :/ i guess i'm gonna have to try harder this week to lose 6 lbs.
from leasha95 :
hey sweetheart thanks so much for the note! glad to hear from you, hope things are going good! ttyl babe
from jellybeanz- :
Hey! I just read ur diary tonite, good luck with everything, yea i dont really no wat to write atm so *hugs* cya!
from ana-mia-life :
oh, and i'm going to take losing 6 lbs this week as a challenge too. i think motivation is really important, so i'll leave you a note at the end of the week to declare if i've succeeded or not. heh.
from ana-mia-life :
thanks for the note :)
from dietfriend :
8 pounds really good. keep up the good work.
from jazzyana :
hey... I know your frustrated. I just wanted to say CONGRADULATIONS on the 8 pounds! That's amazing!
from comfortm :
i had to lock my diary. heres the username:thiscantbe password:life please keep reading!
from ofsuch :
just wanted to say hi, tell you that i am glad to see that you somewhat survived finals, and that i hope your summer brings as much relaxation as possible, in spite of the internship an all! *smiles big love ya!
from krichelle :
im STILL wishing you luck!
from jazzyana :
Thanks for the encouragement, and good luck on your finals!... and staying sober for them =)
from soultonic :
hey, good luck with everything. hang in there and maybe think about drinking a tad less diet coke; you don't want to completely tweak out. seriously, i'm sorry you're having such a hard time.
from happydiary :
You know, sometimes the best answers are the ones that come out of your ass. Seriously. Good luck! -Dani
from krichelle :
i'm sure you're doing wonderful on your finals! I don't study... at all. Maybe 10 hours a quarter... could be why I'm failing?
from krichelle :
good luck on finals! afterwards when you're trying to detox from all the caffeine, try green tea..
from ofsuch :
hey i just wanted to wish you the absolute best of luck on the beginning of your finals tomorrow... if you can, some rest might help your brain to reorganize and focus the material you've been studying, you know? i'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!
from ofsuch :
hehe i signed up for a diaryland account just to leave you a note! see, you mean that much to me :D well i just wanted to say hi and let you know i've been thinking about you! tight hugs to you sweety!
from krichelle :
thanks for adding me <3. 13 was such a good movie.. but for me because even though i know she was fucked up, even now that's the girl i *wanted* to be. interesting thought patterns i have, lol
from happydiary :
Your note means so much to me. I completely reciprocate to many of your entries. I am so sorry that you had such a rough night! I know it doesn't really make a difference, but I (and other diarylanders) are thinking of you and sending you hugs (don't forget that I'm in Wisconsin so things often come out quite cheesy. That doesn't make it less true though)-dani
from rachim251 :
girl, you and i have got to talk. sometimes i get depressed and lonely too...but i hate knowing that you would (that you did) hurt yourself like that. [email protected]
from hungerbites :
Wow. Just wanted you to know that I related completely to the sudden change of mood between then and when you woke up the next day. Hope you're feeling better. Xxx
from laura-ly :
I know exactly what you mean about feeling as though you're never #1 in anyone's life...always second in line, if even that. I'm sorry you've been so down lately; just remember we all love you here! Please take care of yourself. -Laura
from miagoddess :
ah sorry about not leaving my [email protected]. thanks!
from miagoddess :
i was wondering if it would be all right if i could have the username and password :)
from hungerbites :
Best of luck with giving up the drink xxx
from happydiary :
Law school, that's so awesome! I'm planning on law school in a few years. I'd like to be either an international lawyer or an intellectual property lawyer. Whatever my occupation is, I'd really just like to be healthy. Hugs! -Dani
from soultonic :
Thanks for your note. :) Yes, you were right with the author. She seems like a diva to me. Then again, who am I to judge as I don't have a bestseller. I hope all is well with you. Take care.
from happydiary :
If you don't mind the intrusion, I was wondering where you go to school? Oh and Kissing J. Stein was a cute movie, but I'm a cheerleader was horrible!! Hugs -Dani
from happydiary :
Just thought I'd let you know that I'm a big fan of both of your diaries! Keep up the awesome writing! -Dani
from laura-ly :
Thank you. :) That means a lot.
from rachim251 :
hey luxe!!! i think you should call him again (sober). wait a second...you just inspired me. gotta go.
from closet-ho85 :
oh luxe don't beat your self up for it.We all have needs and sometimes it gets the best of us,especially "under the influence." If it made you happy at the time and you enjoyed it,then just look at it as just another experience in your life.I hope I cheered you up.Be strong.
from soultonic :
hey luxe-thanks for your kind messages, they mean alot to me. i can relate to the feeling of anticipation, i to feel like i'm verging on something, but don't know what. it's annoying. maybe we're both just overly caffeinated. ;)
from comfortm :
thank you!
from closet-ho85 :
thanx so much for leaving the note it kinda made my day.I have to admit I have been reading you for a while and I figured I should add you to my buddy list cause I really like your diary.I understand alot of what you go through.It seems since I got to college I have become so much more obseesed with my "appearance" so I understand the feelings you go through when you write about your struggles with food.trust me even as an african-american I completely understand..take care of yourself.
from closet-ho85 :
thanx so much for leaving the note it kinda made my day.I have to admit I have been reading you for a while and I figured I should add you to my buddy list cause I really like your diary.I understand alot of what you go through.It seems since I got to college I have become so much more obseesed with my "appearance" so I understand the feelings you go through when you write about your struggles with food.trust me even as an african-american I completely understand..take care of yourself.
from rachim251 :
hey girl. so glad to hear from you again!! i was wondering what happened to ya. anyway, i'm just at the radio station bored to death. just wanted to say hi!!
from rachim251 :
hey luxe!! i know what you mean about mardi gras. my hometown is another big mardi gras tourist attraction. but i kinda miss it...which is why i'm going home this weekend. i like your new layout. the text is a lot easier to read. i hope everything works out with this new guy!!! i'm still trying to find myself a cute one (thats not a f*cking jerk). anyways, good luck and i'll talk to ya later!!
from soconfused18 :
I don't know why but for some reson I see you as imagine you looking like Katie Holmes so I liked the other template better.But whatever makes you happy.
from pigger18 :
I'm totally diggin the new template.. And I completely understand about the stupid annoying tourist, just a few weeks ago it was the Superbowl, and now, closer to home it's freaking Mardi Gras, albeit its not a big as the one in Nola, but annoying tourist nonetheless, and oh yeah theres also the rodeo and the stupid beach party for spring break, sometimes I hate living near a freaking tourist attraction. Well just wanted to tell ya I like your template, christina rocks, later...
from ktdream :
I like the darker blue tinted colors and though Christina isn't my favorite person it's all good. Those blue eyes.. wow. Anyway I like the lyrics though and font of soar. Ooh I haven't finished reading what I need to and I have to start writing my scene for creative writing but I like looking at diaries! So better get out... ps i like your username!
from skittleblue :
thanks for the notes. it really does help to know that i'm not the only one. and i think i kinda like the new template. i love mine, but i keep wanting to change to a new one too.
from rachim251 :
thank you for the note!! it really brightened my day. =)
from rachim251 :
you are too!! thank you. see, things always get better. =)
from rachim251 :
hey...i KNOW what you mean. i have had weeks like that too. maybe you just need some time to yourself? go out and have fun...alone. i also know how you feel, in respect to hating your body. but look at it this way; at least you work out. i mean, you must be in some kind of shape. this probably isn't helping much but i'm trying here. anyway, if you want a pick-me-up, here are a few ideas: mission tortilla strips and cabin fever salsa (wont make you fat and you can get them at target), any funny movie you can find (my personal favorite-office space), music (music is one of the best things on earth), bubble bath (and any kind of aromatherapy), and a really good book. anyway, you will be ok luxe. you always seem to get through things quite nicely =)
from xemowhorex :
you have me listed as a favorite. if you're still around and care at all, i have had to locked my diary for a while. the username: emo password: whore
from rachim251 :
i swear...its strange how you and i have so much stuff in common. un-motivated...that's me. looking for a low stress part time job...that's me. there is other stuff too...but i'm not going to point out everything. i'm just waiting for the day i write something in my diary and find the exact same thing in yours. anyway, good luck finding a job and good luck in your classes this semester.
from soultonic :
good luck with the job interview! i'm sure you will get it. i too need a part time job, but don't have the time...ugh.
from plaidtragedy :
hi, my name is viki and im fairly new to diaryland. i was wondering how you got your entry so pretty and if you could help me do that to mine. any help is appreciated. --v.
from comfortm :
thank you for the advice.
from comfortm :
hi i noticed i'm on your friends list...i had to lock my diary for personal reasons for a week or so so i am giving you the password etc... username: thiscantbe pass:life keep reading thanks.
from emptyempty :
Thanks for the note, that's really sweet of you :) Oh, and I see you're not on my list yet so I'll go add you! hehe <3 Take care
from rachim251 :
i think everyone is like that. when you are at work...you are expected to be professional. when i go out with my friends, i'm totally reckless. i dont see anything fake about that. as far as knowing WHO you you are; i heard people dont figure that out until their 30s. yes i know...nature is cruel.
from laura-ly :
You're not "fake"...everyone adapts to their situation. I don't believe there's a single person on this planet that acts the same way all of the time. It's part of surviving.
from thintowin :
Hi! Thanks for the note. I love your layout too and I am going to add you to my faves list.
from comfortm :
hey i forgot to write this in the last note..but do you think the picture of katie holmes on your template is airbrushed? i never knew she was soo thin!
from comfortm :
thank you for the note..your a very sweet person.I like your diary alot..its gives me alot of insight on how you think and act.thank you for making me feel less alone too...anything you want to tell me bout yourself i would love to hear. Your very honest yourself.take care!
from ethereal-red :
Thank you for adding me as a favorite...
from leasha95 :
thank you for the note! its great to get them specially cuz i feel like nobody really cares to read what i ramble about. i dont blame them. its good to know someone is out there paying attention. take care. lotsa luv~leasha
from leasha95 :
thank you for the note! its great to get them specially cuz i feel like nobody really cares to read what i ramble about. i dont blame them. its good to know someone is out there paying attention. take care. lotsa luv~leasha
from sadangl :
Happy New Year have a great day and be safe!!
from laura-ly :
Yea! Welcome back! So nice to hear from you again. :)
from rachim251 :
good luck on your exams!! a friend of mine is in law school...so i know how things are. i have only one more exam left and i'm going home. anyways, you have a merry christmas!!!
from soultonic :
Good luck w/finals!
from laura-ly :
Love the diary girl! And I know exactly what you mean about Ana directly relating with higher self-esteem. When I was at my lowest weight, and only eating maybe once a week; I was deffinetly the happiest, most social, and doing the best in school. It's tough at first, but once you're back in Her arms just hold on and it gets easier. Take care!
from anyra :
hey you set the same goal as i do!!! good luck girl! losing twelve pounds before 2004!!! anyra xoxo
from sarahsundae :
thanks for the birthday wishes.
from rachim251 :
healthier than...sorry
from rachim251 :
if you go over your cals...it wont be enough to show (unless you do it all the time like me). besides, taco hell is healthier heart clogging BK. you will be fine.
from laura-ly :
Happy Birthday Chica! :)
from sadangl :
Happy Birthday!!! Have a great Day!! It's all about you! Jess
from jazzyana :
HAPPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! TODAY IS YOUR DAY =) hope it's a good one!
from sarahsundae :
happy birthday. hope you feel better soon!
from dreamofgenie :
Happy Birthday!! I like your writings... I feel they have much in common with my life too, except I could only wish to have the guts to hit on someone..hehe
from leasha95 :
hey! im not sure how accurate that test is, but ya know...mine seems pretty accurate ;) haha, oh and thanks for the note! i love dance, tonight is the final night, ah the nerves. Thats awesome that we can find a couple things in common, keep in touch, i love reading your diary. thats all for now, luv leasha
from skinny--girl :
hey - thanks for the note! if it's any consolation, i took the test thingy and rated high on several and moderate on a couple of others, and (aside from a slight obsession with food :) ) i'm supposedly otherwise normal - whatever that is. so, i don't know how good that test thingy is. have a great day and good luck in your classes! sg
from rachim251 :
hey doll. just wanna wish you luck on your exams. ya know i think it is just that time of the year...i am so sick of school i could scream. i am having such a hard time focusing. i'm trying to limit my calories too. i found this really yum milkshake stuff that works pretty good. i lived off of it over the summer and the fat just melted off. plus...it is great with kahlua or baileys. anyways...be good and have a lovely week.
from rachim251 :
hey i was just reading a little of your diary. it has been hard for me to find someone who is open about their eating disorder. i am a senior at bama and i have struggled with what most would consider an eating disorder. i'm not sure what it is or how serious it is...but i know that it is there. i know that sometimes i get upset over some things in my life and all i can think about is how i would feel better if i was thinner. then i just stop eating. anyways, i just wanted you to know i'm adding you to my favorites. -rachel
from anyra :
this guy was not what i hope for you... I understand what you did with your friend, you are not a slut just because you met this cute guy and you wanted to see him again. you were not taking the first guy you've seen, so you didn't want him just to have sex whit him. I think your friend was a bit jalous of your good shut, ( even if now we know that it wasn't as nice as we expecting for!!). I glad of you because you don't let him some possibilities to have reason. anyra
from anyra :
hey good shut for this guy!! I mean: it's when you don't think about that, when you just say "i try, not later", that your flash on a guy obtain the highter degree of intensity. SOmething like that had ever happened to me last semester, i flashed on a guy and went speaking with him without realy thinking of what i sould say. And you know what? That's my ...mmm (i don't know how to say!!)and it is embarasting to say that... oh you know what i meen: not my boyfriend but the one who wants to pass a live with me without real engagements. He is just there when i need him and that what i'm only expecting for now... but a good shut for. you made me remember this strange night when i met him. Thanks!!! Good luck for your night!! anyra
from ninaswords :
Just noticed you have me listed as a favorite! I'm reading now, and I love your diary. I'll for sure keep up.
from anyra :
Your diary is my favorite. I totaly agree with you... why anti-ana are always sending bad notes on our anorexie? That's no there problem! Like you i'm ok with ana and don't want to recover. I stay healty even if i don't eat over 300 cals a day. Why so many people want us to recover? I think that is the main reason why some of us are shy about that and worry about what other sould think about her/him if the know that she/he is anorexic... (Well english is my second language, so i'm sorry for the mistakes in my english..) I admire you for your so much interresting diary and what you're thinking about anorexia. I am a 18-years-old french canadian college student (degrees between hightschool and university). Ana is a part of my life since more than 4 years... And yes, almonds are not so good to eat... i've forgotten them since a while! anyra xx (if you wanna write me one day my email adress is: [email protected] )
from sarahsundae :
woohoo! hear hear! I agree. Here's to beling alone rather then feeling lonely. I hope you ripped that ass a new one for leaving his oh so nice comments to you.
from pigger18 :
I added you to my favs, I really enjoyed reading your diary and I look forward to reading more. I also just wanted to say that we are the same age (I'm an aspiring grad student). Also I read that you go to school in New Orleans, do you go to Tulane? Oh yeah I live about 6 hours away from New Orleans, it's a pretty cool city. Oh yeah, my diary is locked so if you wanna check it out just leave me a note with your email address and I will send it to you, later. xoxo
from sarahsundae :
I just realized you had me linked and I had never seen your dairy. LOVE IT! So I added you. Love your layout too. Katie Holmes is beautiful.
from jazzyana :
I ready your diary! Just wanted to say hi!! I'm 20, accounting student. I don't think it's possible for you to post on this site and not be read... chances are someone will find you who thinks your their mental twin. Love you diary!

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