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MAC- just some questions to add to your thought process........."I want to live near the ocean (what if he does not, or one of your jobs precludes it, or if you cannot afford it, or if.....)in a committed relationship (what is the commitment to? to work things out? to be monogomous? to say only nice things to each other? commitment means nothing unless you think about what you are promising to commit to do in the relationship) where I feel trust the the person will always value (the type of that value will change over time) me as his dearest friend (what if his male friend from college is his best friend, or one of them? what if you are only one of his best friends, but the only one he is attracted to, or the only one he wants to have babies with?). I want to travel with that person (most likely, the traveling will take up only a small fraction of your time together, unless one of you hits it big and neither of you have to work.....the reality is, your adventures will probably take place on the weekends, and then if and when you have kids, the adventures might occur when you lose you child at the supermarket...not very romantic in the romantic dreamy sense....)and further develop intimate adventures (this could be a special candle lit bath together, or a walk thru a local park you had never seeen before...)and special moments filled with inside jokes (yes......I think that this is the best part, that typifies a relationship and a special connection - the special vocabulary and habits and routines that you develop together). I want to be married -- this means I want someone in my life(that means you have to want to live for a long time...killing yourself would be a very hurtful thing to do to a marriage partner) (other than me) that believes in magic (believing in magic and making it happen are 2 different things...everyone has bad days, and everyone can get sucked into the routineness of it all), that cries at movies (okay, so you want to be with a gay guy???????why do you want someone that cries at movies?????what if they cry when you hurt their feelings in real life?), that calls me when they miss me (yes, this is nice....). my love is intense (even after 5 years of being with someone monogomously? 10 years? hard to believe.....passion dies down with time and love intensifies in a stronger, but more mellow way, I think). I bond deeply (have you ever bonded?? which implies both sides mutually bonding, or have you "latched on" like a leech in love irrespective of the feedback or how terribly the other person might have been treating you?) ...like a fairytale love that transcends time (you are not a fairytale princecess, you probably will never afford a castle and waitstaff, and you would probably be happier in reality with a plain old frenchman with everyday worries and defects than a boring English Prince). I drink richly of love when it is in my life....(I think love is more like a blanket than it is a beverage) I want someone to do the mundane day-to-day things and share in the happiness, the hope for humanity, the healing energy I feel inside (what about the pain and sorrow and the challenges and trying times. It is easy for someone to share in your joy and cooking and love making and corn dogs and otters - what about finding someone to share in your journal thoughts, your personal journies, your transitions, your tears, your problems, your fears...selfish, fairweather friends do not give a shit about that stuff - you need someone that loves all of you - the good the bad the ugly and that will not abandon you when you need a shoulder to cry on the most). I want to explore my sexuality again (and what after being with someone for 10 years, what then?)...I want a partner in crime who loves me as I am (who at the same time sees your potential to grow and change in positive directions). I want someone who boosts me up and brings out the best in me. I want a shoulder. Maybe the time is ripe for me to turn more and more to my spirituality. Stay grounded in reality and yet reach deeper into the universe, its nature elements..." I read the above and am so normal in my desires (the above does not sound normal or average, it sounds like it is right out of a romantic love novel, frankly. normal would mean that you would simply want a guy that is reasonably decent looking, with a decent job, that you had some fun with more often than not), and yet feel so scared (without fear, you could not be brave; without change, which elicits fear in most, you could never grow or change) that I am not normal (back to that bullshit that you are not normal....what is normal anyway...you are normal, at least as normal as anyone....you know who you are and what is the facade that you portray - the facades are not normal......but you are)in that I am somehow not loveable (that is up to you - there are probably 1,000 men that could love you, if you let them), not compatible (that is about sacrifices......because no one can have it all), not someone meant to receive love (bullshit,,,,you can have anything you want, you are only not meant to receive love if you think you do not want it....if you really want, then accept it. Take it) but simply someone meant to give....(can you REALLY give love if you do not accept it? can you really give love to a stranger, someone who does not love you. NO NO NO. ) When I was young, I was sure I'd grow up to be a geisha in the sense that I'd only derive pleasure by giving it.(MAC, you are smart enough to know that GEISHA's derived no pleasure from their job. And it was a job. They had husbands and families to go to after work at the geisha house.) And now? ...I am beginning to know that I deserve love, that I deserve pleasure, that surely if I am still long enough, if I breathe deep enough, if I dream and risk big enough... Short Thought: Did you ever think that you are normal, that you are deserving of love, that you are an amazing person, and that the problem is that the "others" are fucked up, unwilling or incapable of loving, weird, or just selfish? Perhaps the task is not to fix you (because you are already good (of course, you cn always get better), but to find someone that sees that you are good, and that is good and truly giving and respecting themselves.

from luwenjing :

First off, in case you forgot, luwenjing means me, Clam. Haven't been to your site in a while, and here are some thoughts on your last several or more entries: 1. The whole idea of casting off unwanted thoughts does not work for me. Never has. For me, unwanted thoughts have their own energy and are capable of thrusting themselves back into my head, unless I keep them out. So, instead of casting thoughts out, or setting leaves down on a river, or crumpling the leaves up and throwing them away, I focus on building a fortress where they cannot come in. I do not give them permission. When the thoughts boomerang back, close the window, and don't let them in. My mom, still into hypnotherapy (by the way, are you interested in working with hypnotherapy - my mom could guide you over the phone - its is a really cool process which has helped me on a variety of issues, and she would do it for free, I'm sure...)basically says that you simply tell the thought to go away, that it does not have permission to come into your head, that you do not need it and that it is unwanted, and if you have to, battle the thought at the door, fight it off, until it stops knocking. The thought will never go away, or allow to be cast off, but the knocking will eventually die down for periods of time and will eventually fade away entirely - a mute doormat that you can eventually walk over as you leave the house. 2. I do not think that you can be in love with yourself. Or at least that would be narcism (sp?). I think the idea is to love and accept yourself, which is very different. In Hebrew, I think they have many different words for love, like the Eskimo have different words for the color white. In English, we cannot adequately describe all the types of love that there are. Anyway, the love you long to have with a man is not the same love for yourself, and certainly is not a substitute. You need both, and preferably you attain the self love first, so people say. Who knows, maybe a lover can help you achieve self love. Everyone learns differently, who says there is a right order to things. 3. Something tells me that a quick fuck is not the answer. Try masterbating. Or try a hug. Remember, the whole prostitute thing really fucked with your mind. Sex can reallly make a person feel yucky if it is just sex. Sex is really complicated. You are a girl. You have feelings. You love to love and be loved. Why put yourself in a situation where someone is fucking you without any desire to receive your love and what you have to give? Try this - masterbate first like 5 times in a row, and then if you still want sex with an otherwise unloving person........ 4. Tell me about this witch stuff. My mom got involved with good witch stuff for awhile. Be careful. There are crazy people out there, and you are not one of them. 5. Have you considered taking a French class at one of those continuing ed night programs. You obvioulsy are still adicted to French, and you might meet some like-minded Frog-o-philes. Have you considered using your French in your career somehow? When is the last time you read a French book? *** (I forgot what number I am on): I am glad to hear that you still write in an off-line diary. Keep that up - it is a wonderful place to be with yourself, especially during hard times. Be as honest as you can with yourself there, and do not let anyone see it. Ever. ****: In the movie Adaptation, the main character's twin brother says something that Melinda and I found to be very profound - it does not matter if the person you love loves you back....it is your love, and you can love who you want regardless, it does not matter, the love is in your control, and it does not take two to tango. Flashback to the concept that there is more than one type of love out there. Yes, it takes two to have sex. Yes, it takes two to get married and have babies, and even two to have a real conversion. But, it only takes one to send love out to another person, and be loving to another person. **** Question, movies aside, do you really want to love someone that does not want to receive it, or give it, or atleast, is not ready or willing to do those things. And is that really the kind of love you want? or deserve? It seems to me that it is about time that you allowed yourself to receive some gifts, and some love, instead of always giving. ********Think about that? Do you think somewhere you are not allowing people to love you, not allowing people to give you gifts? If you are always assuming the role of teacher, giver, lover, doer, when will you get to be the student, the receiver, the passive, the loved? ******When is the last time you let a man chase you? When is the last time you played hard to get? When is the last time someone made Creme Anglaise for you, or introduced something new to you? ******If someone were to do something nice for you today, how would you react? Would you think that desrved it? Or not? Or would you just enjoy it, without analyzing the fuck out of it? ******The highest rate of suicide among any chosen profession is among philosophers, I once read. It makes sense. They think way too much and dwell on terrible things without answers, or where the answers suck. Did you eer read the short story flowers for Algernon? The moral I think is that ignorance is bliss, and smart people that think too much are doomed to misery and pain. Sometimes too much think and too much journal can be a recipe for depression without escape. Pure physical activity without thought is such an escape and bliss. *****Do you know anything about mitral valve prolapse. It is basically a heart condition that is linked to depression, panic attacks, palpitations, a sense of doom, racing heart, chest pain, and aside from all of these terrible mental side effects, it is basically a harmless condition. Anyway, not everyone with MVP has all the symptoms, and the levels vary from peron to person. I have it in a small way. And there is not much I can do about it execpt know that I am not crazy, and that is biological, and that the feelings pass. A sister of a friend has MVP in a bad way, and she has tried to take her life twice in the last two years. No one has ever linked suicidal tendencies to MVP, but who knows. Do you have any of these symptoms? Have you ever heard of MVP. About 10% of women have it, and fewer men. *****Ciao

from luwenjing :

here I am checking out your site again......4:55EST

from luwenjing :

Yep, luwenjing is Clam AKA Richard AKA Cloo AKA Clooless. Lu Wen Jing is actually my name in Chinese that I got when I took Chinese at Dartmouth. Sorry about not putting my name on it - I spaced out, I guess. Nonetheless, I guess it was pretty easy figuring out it was me. By the way, I forgot to mention something pretty important in my last "note" (parenthetically, does this remind you strangely of the NS club at Buckley?). I wanted to comment on your consistent use of the words "drama" and also references to friends liking you because you are still weird or high strung or extreme or out there or whatever, even though you are now sober. It was a recent entry in which someone said that or something. Anyway, it reminded me of me awhile back. People always thought I was weird, and they said being weird was the reason they liked me. Well, in retrospect, I realize that much of my weirdness was an act, or a show, to get people to pay attention to me. I think I have mellowed out, and I try not to act to weird in public anymore. It feels better trying to be "normal" (Melinda says that I am unusual enough because of my education and my thoughts that I do not have to act strange........). My point is that I do not like you because you are weird or high strung or extreme (those acts are not who you are, anyway). I like Mary the linguist, the poet, the philosopher (how many people on this earth can muse in French and complain in Spanish?). I like Mary the creative thinker, the hard worker (when she wants something done, it gets done!!!!), the care giver, the singer (gosh, I miss your rendition of "Hey Big Spender"). You have so many talents, and thoughts, and ideas, and you have the health and ability to accomplish so many things. And the beauty of it all, is that when you are ready, and hungry for it, you can go out and take what the world has to offer. And you do not need to be weird or hire strung or dramatic to get it. In facts, those facades (I know you, they are facades, just as they were for me)are heavy baggage that you can slowly leave at the door, one suitcase by one suitcase, and get back to the real Mary, who is bright, creative, multi-lingual, hard-working, highly intelligent, healthy, fun-spirited, and caring. I do not mean this email to be some great compliment session for you - it is just that I really connected with the whole drama facade thing. For me, when people said they loved my weirdness, I started wondering if they were just entertained by me, and my drama, rather than sharing in the persona who was really inside me. Lo and behold, those people do not exist in my life anymore. I hope this note makes sense. With Love, Clam.

from luwenjing :

Mac: Your behind! forward! entry on January 2 was amazing in terms of the clarity you were experiencing. I think you hit it right on in terms of realizing that your true blue friends would call if you did not, if they they did not,it would only have to do with their busy lives, not their feelings for you. And yes, people that care are not judging (and if they are judging, it is because they care, and want you to be happy). Later you state that no one will accept you until you accept yourself. Bullshit. I stopped judging you my senior year of college, and started accepting you unconditionally then. My acceptance of you has nothing to do with your acceptance of yourself. Besides, many type As are hardest on themselves. That can be both a good and bad thing. P.S. Remind me not to take my boys to the zoo with you until they reach adulthood. Just joking.

from mais-oui :

im glad you enjoy my writting. Of course you can link me to your diaryland. Oui. Je suis bilingues. hah, but of course.

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