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messages to miedema2002:
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from ethereal-red :
Oh, and I'd lower the dose every two to three weeks.
from ethereal-red :
About the antidepressants... I would lower it fifty mgs at a time. You want to go nice and slow.
from ethereal-red :
Sorry I haven't been around. I had to wait until today to get my internet going because I had to get a new phone jack put in to make it work. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I totally support you in beginning a new life. I think it is much overdue. You CAN start fresh! I think you are very brave for doing this. :) Email me anytime!
from writergrrl88 :
I'm wishing you all the best!!!!
from anainsight :
Hey hon, thanks for the sweet note. Sorry it took me so long to reply to you but Diaryland was down when I first got the e-mail. Anyway, about what I said about how you have to be who you are to be what you will become - I can't take credit for it - I read it in a book a long time ago. For some reason I think the author of the book was Diane Duane, but I can't swear to it - the book's long since out of print - but I have it somewhere, I'll have to look it up. But it is a great saying, and I'm glad you found some wisdom in it. I'm so proud of you for your last entry - you keep it up, OK? I am thinking of you and I wish that someday we might could meet each other in person. There's a lot to admire about you, and you were real brave to say it out like that for the world to see. That's just great! Sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from luxelady :
i am so very proud of you, my dear. you've got me in your cheering section. xx luxe
from minstrelite :
I have to say that I agree entirely with Anainsight -- that is, I see it in the same light, I believe. A fresh start is entirely possible and could be a very great thing, so long as you embrace what you are leaving behind. It's sort of like leaving an old friend and hugging them before you go. The former life is something you did at one time embrace, and so a final embrace would suggest a clean departure, and positive closure. I'm not sure how to put that in less abstract terms, but let's just say I wouldn't want to see anything from your past be nagging at you after you leave.
from anainsight :
Oh, I'm so glad you sent me that note - it makes me feel so good to know that you won't leave US behind. But you know something - I sometimes kind of feel like you do - kind of feel like chucking it all and disappearing into a new life. I guess I just finally came to the conclusion that I'm too old to do anything like that now, and the life I lead is not all that bad, because I have many blessings. What I wouldn't give, however, to go back in time to 1986, when I had just finished with graduate school and my mother demanded that I come home with her, rather than follow my dream and pursue my doctorate in music - how much differently would my life have turned out? But I was too afraid at the time to venture out on my own, and I'm ashamed of that now. I admire your courage and your independence and your desire to make your own choices. Just remember one thing - You have to have been who you are to be who you will become. A fresh start IS possible - but only if you can accept and embrace your "old" life and whatever closure is possible. I realize the situation in some ways might be untenable, but if you can come to terms with it and the lessons it has taught you, it will be much easier to move on. I wish you health and blessings and Light and Peace. If I were not way down here in Georgia I would give you a hug.
from enurta :
Well…it was all thanks to N. He told me I *had* to leave or else I would kill myself or get killed by my dad. He made me leave, I wanted to be with him so I left. How I survived? Well, while the police were looking for us, a lot of kind people took us in and hid us. N’s mom Mona helped us with everything else, she bought food and helped us until I turned 18 and could get help. N had to put up with a lot because I became totally psychotic at the time. I talked to my voices out loud and thought I could talk to angels and God. I am much better now but I still hear voices, doesn’t mean I believe what they say though…I know the difference between reality and my illness.
from anainsight :
Honey - I wish you success and peace and light and love in everything you do - If you ever do find yourself, take my e-mail with you, and drop a line sometimes, OK? That way I'll know you're OK. Blessings and Hugs!
from luxelady :
it just made me physically ill, like you. i'd taper very small, very slowly, like 50 mg a week at a time. you do have the right to refuse meds, and if you tell your doctor you going off it against his advice, he should at least tell you the safest way to do it (if he's a responsible MD). good luck on starting over - i'm there too. if you start a new diary please take me with you!! xx luxe
from minstrelite :
I replied to your Messenger last night -- I have a habit of leaving it on when I leave for the evening, so I didn't get your messages till probably hours after you put them there. About starting anew, maybe you might want to just adjust your circumstances such that some of the key details are positively altered, but not go completely from scratch -- you don't want to burn any bridges you might have built (although I can understand if it doesn't seem right now that there are any bridges of any value to be burned), and you might find yourself only taking your problems and issues with you if you divest yourself of what support group you may have. I only say this because I am constantly thinking of starting anew myself, and radical solutions such as moving to another State or Country often cross my mind. But chances are they won't solve anything, unless in the sense that rents are probably a lot cheaper in many other areas than they are in the San Francisco Bay Area, where the monthly rent is likely to exceed the amount of my monthly disability check. Another option is that you might find a couple other people who have monthly stipends of some sort, people whom you will get along with, and go in on an apartment with them. Might be better than staying with your Mom anymore -- I mean, you're 23 years old or older now? Might be time to fly the coop, only I suggest you try and do so gracefully, lest your guilt get the better of you a few miles down the road. Take care, my dear friend, and you are certainly in my prayers.
from enurta :
yeah i love anime! but I only watch bleach and naruto....i used to watch sailor moon when I was younger i still love it :) hey...you locked your diary. may i have the password? my e-mail is deadpassive@hotmail.com
from writergrrl88 :
I suggest getting off the Effexor very slowly -- tapering off ... there's nothing wrong with going med-free. What's going on with your summer placement? (Did I miss the entry where you talked about this?) All the best!
from luxelady :
thank you so much for your support - it means the world to me - you have no idea. ps - if you go off effexor, be very very careful...i had the worst time going off of it - i care about you and i'd hate for you to go through that...xx luxe
from minstrelite :
A lot of mothers are like that. I used to get frustrated when I felt that my mother was sticking her nose into stuff that was none of here business, and denying me my independence. But being as this is only the first day, the dynamics of the relationship will probably even out after another couple days. Sometimes the first day of something is the hardest.
from writergrrl88 :
Obviously, you should choose the gaming system that suits your preferences best, but I'd recommend an X-Box 360 over a PS3 -- I think the selection is better, overall (and the system doubles as a fantastic DVD player).
from ethereal-red :
You deserve those assistive devices. Your dad and step mom obviously do not understand your situation.
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for the Birthday Wishes! You SO deserve to have any and all assistive devices that you want, and if your mom and dad won't buy them for you, then screw them! Either they are the world's most selfish people on the planet, or they are in denial. Probably a combination of both... Don't worry about it - you will be able to buy them for yourself soon enough. Have a great day! (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
That's awful that you might get sued! How horrible. :( I may not know you in person, but I know you didn't take that laptop.
from smashthegas :
Leave the flirting with/committing sin part to me. I can do it so well now that if I was religious, I'd have to be issued with some kind of "get out of jail free" card, hehe.
from minstrelite :
Wow -- thanks for your note, Emily. I definitely saw, in reading it, how life has so many more options than my depression seems to allow me to perceive. I also see how what I am really missing is my "room." This is the first time in ages that I haven't had a room of my own to retreat to. I (and the computer) are in the living room, simply because there's no other place to be. As far as quiet time, I don't think he grasps the concept. Also, I feel too guilty -- after all, he's letting me crash here for free till the 1st. Anyway, hopefully I will get paid tomorrow -- I've been waiting for money for over a week now -- and having a few dollars will increase my options. In the meantime, I have made a plan for the day as to what I will accomplish, and since he has been gone for a couple hours now, I have been feeling a little more relieved and relaxed. So I might as well make the most of this temporary private time, before he comes in again and the conversation resumes. (Also, I have left the door open so as not to be surprised by his entrance. That's psychologically important.)
from luxelady :
hey hun thanks for your thoughtful note - i'm just all confused, with all the different voices in my head (healthy and sick) pulling in all different directions. i'm sorry you had a rough day yesterday, but i'm glad you're feeling better today - we're all pulling for you! xx luxe
from smashthegas :
Parents can be bastards at times, but don't ever let them get to the position where you feel like killing yourself. You have as much right to live on this planet and be happy as they, or anyone else, does. I know that might sound pretty lame, but it's true. Don't let them win, ya know?
from ethereal-red :
Hey, sorry about your wallet... that really sucks. :( I had to put Basil to sleep tonight. He had feline leukemia and SEVERE anemia from eating a poisoned mouse when I wasn't around. He got really sick, really quickly. I'm really sad.
from smokefree-me :
Sure Cindy is trying, but the fact that she is hiding her drinking indicates that she thinks it's wrong. Sux about losing your wallet. You always take it so much for granted, then realize how much you depend on it when it's gone. Hope it turns up soon . . .
from catfiction :
Please accept my apologies for taking so long to reply to your kind note, life has been absolutely hectic. I'm glad you enjoyed reading about how we met, thank you. Stay well. T.
from ethereal-red :
I'm glad you didn't cut... just take it one hour at a time if you have to.
from minstrelite :
Glad you made it through -- one day at a time.
from luxelady :
please don't hurt yourself hun, you know you deserve better than that...if you don't know then hell, i'm telling you - you are wonderful, and these bad feelings WILL pass, i swear! thinking of you... xx luxe
from ethereal-red :
Oh, Emily- I hope you didn't cut. You know it won't make anything any better in the long run. I know that short term fix feels good, but it won't help.
from minstrelite :
I just read your Friday after-midnight entry. Let me re-install Windows Messenger and see if you're online.
from ethereal-red :
Hi, I checked out a couple of your fanfic pieces. From what I read your writing is good. There were a couple minor grammatical errors (forgive me, I'm a grammar freak), but they did not detract from the beauty of the pieces. Your writing is fluid and easy to read. Great job! :)
from ethereal-red :
I made it so that when you click on my username in your buddy list, it automatically goes to my new diary (after putting in my username/password like always). One of Carole's friends taught me. It's pretty cool.
from minstrelite :
I got both your notes, and thanks for reading. I think, in your second note especially, you have the right take on it. It seems to be strangely important for her to believe that I am "not an alcoholic" and that therefore I cannot understand what she is going through. I think, to an extent, this is true -- but I definitely feel her pain. It's more as if her motive for saying this is to convey that her problem is totally unique, and nobody can understand it. She won't go back to the rooms, to meetings that is, where she's bound to find all kinds of people who understand what she's going through. It's true that I don't understand it, but that doesn't mean I'm not sympathetic. The other thing that she's misperceiving is that in no way was I trying to "fix" her. If anything, I was trying to make it all work without her having to change in any way. Naturally, I became concerned when I realized that she had to have a few drinks in order to talk to me. But there's a big difference between letting someone know you think they need help, and trying to "fix" them yourself. I don't know -- the whole thing was just totally dysfunctional.
from minstrelite :
http://minstrelite.diaryland.com/080305_69.html Was I uncompassionate or something? She sent me an email reply later saying only this: "Now I remember why we broke up. Have a good life."
from ethereal-red :
That's awesome that you got the assignment done early! :) And I'm glad things are going better for you, minus the nightmares of course. You have worked so hard and come so far! I'm proud of you.
from fuschiashock :
good for you on the assignment!
from anainsight :
I am so proud of you getting that assignment done early. Way to go! And I am so proud of you for doing so well. You know what my therapist says about dreams? She says they are just your subconscious mind working. She points out themes to me in my dreams too - mine are either really terrifying or really bizarre. But she says to just get up in the morning and shake it off because they're not real. And she's right - they're not. Eventually your subconscious mind will start to dwell on other things and maybe you'll start dreaming about unicorns - who knows? But don't let your dreams get you down - it's like a wet rag that you have to wring out really hard to get it dry. Eventually all this will work its way out of your subconscious after it's wrung itself out. You just keep on doing what you're doing. Thinking of you and sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
Sorry I haven't been on messenger. I'm still avoiding Jeremy. I don't know why. I have been losing contact with people, including you, because I've been off messenger for so long. I feel bad about that. :( Thanks for the info! I'll be keeping up with reading your entries even though I'll be journaling on a different site. And please, do come read my entries there if you want. I am actually really struggling right now with food and restriction and the like, but am trying desperately to hang on and get back on track with following my meal plan. I am trying hard.
from ethereal-red :
Hi... how are you doing? It's been awhile. I also had a question. I'm trying to make a link on my latest journal entry (I used an HTML tutorial), and it's just not working despite following instructions to the letter. Do I have to do something different because it's diaryland? Could you tell me how to make a link here on diaryland?
from anainsight :
Sorry - I went a little crazy there - I didn't realize my actual DIARY template hadn't changed because I still have to put in my password, and I kind of went a little nuts there when I logged in. As for the other - I HATE this new look - tell me where to sign! At least, he should give us the option to have the "classic" look or the new look. Seems to me, anyway. Thanks for responding so promptly - hope you're doing well.
from anainsight :
Help me, please! Help me restore my site to the way it was when we changed it - I HATE this new look! Please e-mail me and tell me what to do, I am so confused.
from girl101 :
i'm happy for you that you're feeling better! it's an incredible feeling, no? i too love the idea of marrying yourself - not in a narcissistic way, but in the way of pledging to love and care about yourself. it made me laugh too. ♥
from minstrelite :
Thanks for the thought, Emily -- but I actually have not landed on the streets, thank God. It's been like walking a tight-rope though, sometimes every day trying to scrape up enough cash for another night in a motel room. Hopefully I'll have this room in that condo tomorrow.
from dvlsh1 :
I love your marry yourself entry!! That's a totally cool idea!!! Thanks for sharing. maria
from writergrrl88 :
If you're having trouble getting a third meal in, I'd suggest a healthy snack -- even a piece of fruit or a small yogurt -- which would get your body accustomed to eating at an additional time. (Or, if that doesn't appeal, use the third mealtime to treat yourself to a tasty sweet.)
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet notes. I have to constantly remind myself about beauty being on the inside, not the outside. It's just that Valentine's Day is kind of hard on me because you see so many men buying flowers and candy for their wives and girlfriends. But that's OK, I decided to go out to dinner by myself this year rather than stay home and be miserable. I hope you will get out of your funk soon - remember, the fact that it's winter and cold and dark outside may have something to do with it. Sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks. :) I'm off to work soon... I hope it's busy today!
from ethereal-red :
I'm already feeling better about the whole Jeremy thing. Or maybe I'm just not letting myself feel all the pain and I'm bottling it up inside subconciously. I don't know. All this therapy (7 and a half years!) has got me questioning my every move... ;)
from fuschiashock :
what is it that makes you wary of multivitamins?
from ethereal-red :
You'll get out of this funk. I believe in you.
from howlingwind :
2/13/08 - Hi - Thanks for adding me to your list :-) I like the design of your diary - It's purdee and stuff. Happy Valentine's Day in advance!
from minstrelite :
I'm so glad to see that you are of good cheer now. "I need to set time aside for creativity." -- That's always a good thing. Blessings!
from ethereal-red :
I'm sorry I haven't been around lately. I have been very sick the last few days and can only be off the couch for a few minutes at a time. I'm glad you are feeling better!
from minstrelite :
You haven't failed J. I think it would be hard to face the prospect of another random roommate, though, considering how well you and J got along. I am sorry to hear about the depressive episode you have been having. I wish I had Messenger here, so we could chat. I hope I haven't let you down by having been so unavailable lately. Take heart.
from luxelady :
thank you for your kind note - i really appreciate it...xx luxe
from xeison :
You do not need to thank me. It wasnt really wise, i think just sometimes, when we are the one facing the situation, it can sometimes seem overwhelming and it can be helpful to have someone else help us restructure it, thats all i really did, i think you probably already knew everything i said, i just reorganized it a bit. i, um, yeah, you are right, i havent been doing so well. i just, im afraid of burdening everyone, nobody seems to be doing particularly well and nobody needs that have me to deal with too. Thank you for taking my advice. i hope you have been doing well other than with this job thing and what has been happening with your roommate.
from xeison :
In the other note i forgot one other thing. If you do make the decision of getting the job because you believe it has more positives than negatives, you will face the challenge of having to put your decision into action which is also difficult. Again, you probably know this, but the best thing, i think, would be to right a list of steps and goals that must be done and commint yoursefl to those one at a time. So like: one, make a resume, two, have it reviewd by Stepfather, three, pick a place to apply, and so on. i think breaking it down into steps will make it easier to do.
from xeison :
im so sorry about your roomate J. im glad you passed your class though. Life is always changing, it is natural really if you think about it, time itself is really just the measurement of change. The thing with change is it can be either good or bad. When change is bad an overwhelming amount of times, i think we tend to develop the tendency to fear it, which again is natural, it is a way of protecting outself, but that fear causes us to have what i would call Inertia. When we fear change we have a tendency to not want it to happen in order to prevent ourselves from being hurt by it. i think this in part is a reason why a lot of people who are depressed or have unhealthy coping mechanisms do not want to change. They have learned that change is generally bad, and given that analysis, who can blame them for not wanting to change? while the inertia keeps them in a bad spot, it protects them from an even worse spot, it is the lesser of two evils. im not innocent in this matter either, this type of inertia is the main reason i refuse to report my Foster parents, because from my analysis, on a general basis, when i have moved families, things get worse. Anyways, i guess the point im trying to make is, you do not suck and i really wish you wouldnt hate yourself for this. You are trying to protect yourself from the pain of rejection or the not going to work everyday and then feeling guilty. It is perfectly reasonable for you to do. Acknowledging that is important, i think. Then given that, we have to try to ask ourselves, hopefully objectively, what are the positives and negatives of this change. As you said the positives are a boost on your self-esteem, feelings of self worth, time usage, and overall, i would think as well, transitioning into society per say. It also has the plus of making you not feel as though you suck for not doing it and makes you feel as though you are using the help your Mother and Stepfather are giving you. On the negatives, and your fears do make sense, possibility of rejection, possibility of failure, and losing your confidence. Now, if you were to ask me and again this is just my analysis which may totally differe from yours, there are more positives than negatives. The first, fear of rejection is reasonable and is quite svary actually, but my rationale on that is this: if you dont try, you have already rejected yourself with a 100% rejection rate and that is much worse than other people rejecting you with a much lower chance. The fact is, you are right, you will be rejected sometimes, but that is life, and its not because you are bad, it is because the situations just do not always work. Nobody is accepted all the time, but i promise you that no matter who rejects you, that doesnt change who you are, and you, as far as i can tell and i think im right on this, are a very kind person with a lot of strength and courage and who has had to face a lot of the stigmas of society and despite that has made it quite far. You are an extremely admirable person, and you will be rejected sometimes, but i think those are the people who didnt take the time to get to know you. The second fear, failing, is again a reasonable one, but you will never fail. You will make mistakes, no doubt about it, but you then you get to make them lessons that you learn from and ultimately with what you learn, successes. The last fear was losing your confidence. Remember how i described you above? That is what you should try to base your confidence on. You have the power to do things and you already have done so many things, and you will do something by getting a job and doing it. i know you probaby know most of this already, but i just wanted to remind you of it. i really do hope you realize how good of a person you are. Anyways, i have faith in you and im sure that whatever choice you make, itll be the right decision for you, and if it isnt, youll change it and learn from it.
from beautigirl :
Hey, glad to hear you passed the course! That's really bad news about Jess. When I was there I noticed she was slowly getting worse. If you see her tell her I am thinking of her. Miss ya guys.
from ethereal-red :
Also, I hope your roommate's health improves soon!
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for not judging me. I'm worried because I was supposed to start my period yesterday, and there isn't even any spotting yet. I'm a catastrophizer, though, so my first thought is "what if I'm pregnant?". I doubt I am, but that lingering concern remains.
from fuschiashock :
me too, me too. i kind of don't want to ever eat again, but i know that would only make things worse. i think i'm going to go to outpatients tomorrow to see if i can get different meds.
from in19seconds :
You can totally do it! I have complete faith in you! Don't give up now. 21 days makes a habit. How much longer do you have to go to make this a habit?
from ethereal-red :
Thans for your support. :) She's tried this South Beach thing three times now and has always fallen off the wagon. The diet is just soooo restrictive. Her cravings become uncontrollable! At least with my meal plan I can eat whatever I want, even dessert, in reasonably sized portions.
from ethereal-red :
So glad you had a great time!
from fuschiashock :
glad you had a good weekend.
from minstrelite :
It sounds like you're doing better today, and I'm glad. I would like to see that movie. Sometimes I feel that my disorder so inhibits my chances for success, it can at times be very discouraging. At other times, I'm not even concerned about it, and it's the farthest thing from my mind. But that's the bipolar dilemma in a nutshell. (By the way, I found the zoom control on this browser -- it's on the upper right. I set it to 125% and can read your diary more easily now.)
from dvlsh1 :
hugs sorry you are having a rough time. Glad to see you're going to talk to someone. Everyone needs to feel as though they have someone on their side, that they belong, that they are wanted, and cared about, that they have someone that won't judge but just listen. Therapy really helps me with those things. I have a hard time with goals too, all I see is the long term, but the counsling will help you break it into short term things.. there is a saying in na that I love.. ok more then one.. easy does it, but do it. ( meaning don't take it all on at once , but tiny steps to the bigger goal) and we didn't become addicted ( or in your case, depresive and such) in one day.... it will take time to feel 100% again, hopefully sooner rather then later. and to live in today... remeber.. that..................... yesterday is gone, tommow hasn't happend all we have is today, that is why it's called " the present" lots of hugs love n healing energy to you. you can always email me if you want to. take care
from angel-scar :
Thanks Emily :) I'm just tired of the stupid games that he plays with my emotions. I feel like crap everytime he does this. My biggest issue is do i leave him and loose the chance of ever building a future with him? or do i stay and go through this until i've completely gone nuts! I love him but is staying with him worth all of this?
from anainsight :
I've been so worried about you and I am so glad you are going to get the help you need. Please know that I am thinking of you, and if I were not so far away in Georgia I would give you a hug. peace!
from ethereal-red :
I'm glad you ate and am glad that you are feeling at least a little bit better. Try to remember that there is always hope.
from anainsight :
Hey hon, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Believe me, I know that horrible, dark, empty, almost-dead feeling very well, and no, it isn't fun. I know it seems like the pain of cutting will provide a temporary diversion but it doesn't last, it will send you crashing further and further down. I wish you were in the U.S. so I could call you on my cell phone and we could talk, but I don't think I can call out of the country. In any case, please know that I am thinking of you. I would encourage you to get up and eat, even if it's just a little something. If I were not way down here in Georgia I would give you a hug. peace!
from enurta :
thanks for your note. but it's so hard for me to utter words when I am angry, so it's hard to write about it. then something silly happens at home, like N forgets to put his dirty plate in the sink and I freak out and start screaming and cursing. but writing about it - that is a good idea. i will try to write on d-land about my anger.....
from fuschiashock :
organ donation is hardly a right, but it means that people will have to die needlessly, and that's reprehensible.
from dvlsh1 :
thanks for the note n the offer for help with that html stuff.. =)P have a great evening.
from fuschiashock :
yes. it's too bad, as lj has a lot of features that should make it better than diaryland, and their site is much faster.
from minstrelite :
From the outside looking in, it doesn't appear to me that your life is over at all; however, I don't want to minimize or trivialize the seriousness of the pain and angst you must be feeling. I am sorry I wasn't more available for you yesterday. As you know, I was preoccupied with the perennial thorn in my flesh. I'm doing better now only after having performed a temporary "geographical cure." I sit in Berkeley now, removed from the darkness of my dismal den.
from minstrelite :
That reminds me of poems I myself have written, which makes me feel not-so-bad, as I don't like my poems very much, but I do like this one. Also, Emily, I wound up getting a date on the Internet last night, took her out to Giovanni's in Berkeley, and went over to her place. Did not stay the night, of course, but it was nice over there. We cuddled, and listened to the Grateful Dead. She wants to see me again, too. Very nice person, intelligent, 36 years old, and gorgeosuly beautiful. Not sure why she likes me.
from ethereal-red :
I'm gonna try and get my F's turned into "incompletes". They're only Fs because I had to leave in the middle of the semester to go to the hospital and wasn't well enough to return. Of course, I probably would have failed pre-calc anyways, but that's beside the point. :)
from ethereal-red :
Oh, not a problem. :) I sure do hope that your teachers stick up for you. I'm sure you tried very, very hard in that politics class and you deserve to pass in my opinion.
from dvlsh1 :
sent you an email sweetie!! =) hugs.
from ethereal-red :
I know how you feel. I failed two classes my freshman year because I was so sick- a chemistry course and a pre-calc course. Two big F's. Not cool.
from gr8chick :
Oh, Sweetie...Please don't beat yourself up. You are way ahead of the game compared to most folks. You are doing something that in the end will help you be successful. We all have our setbacks, but it's how to rebound to them that make all the difference. You know what I see? I don't see someone who has to take a class for the third time. I see someone who is determined to succeed! Someone who will not give up, and will kick ass doing it! As for your mom...speaking as a mom, I think she just worries about you, and that is how she shows it. Not the best method, I can attest to that, but if she didn't give a damn, she would let you sail off without a backward glance. Let it blow over, and please keep this thought in the forefront...You are a very intelligent woman, but more importantly, a very strong woman. To have to face your demons everyday, and hold them off...Girl, you're the shit! You're making it...slowly, but surely...you're doing it! I hate to see you feeling so low. I hope this note will put a little smile on face, and a shot of "I'm-not-gonna-let-anything-hold-me-back" attitude. ***hugs***
from minstrelite :
I can relate to disossicating when the material begins to get too difficult at some certain moment. Ten minutes later, we "wake up" and realized we've spaced the past ten minutes of the lecture, or the reading, or what-have-you. I did that constantly, all throughout college, except in the classes that were so fascinating and engaging that it never seemed to happen. Even today, I catch myself spacing out at the studio when I can't follow what my boss (the voice teacher) is saying. The danger, in that case, is that I'll miss my cue to play. I don't think those kinds of mental traits ever entirely leave us, but I do think we can find ways of accepting them and dealing with them. On another plane, don't worry about your Mom. Your Mom loves you, and this will only be a minor setback. I truly believe that.
from dvlsh1 :
hugs bummer about the class. Maybe when you re-take it this time, tell your advisor that you need a tutor for it ! Tell them that in week one. I will have to do math eventually ( when im working on my bacholors ) n I suck at math, so I've told my counsler I will need extra help. Im always around if you need to vent to somone. good luck with everything.
from flicka :
I'm shocked that you understand Butler's Gender Trouble. I tried teaching with it, and many undergrads didn't get it. Many of my colleagues weren't fond of her or very grasping of her concepts. Do you like M. Foucault? I quote both of them together. I went to ASU for grad school.
from luxelady :
wow! what a year you've had...thanks so much for your thoughtful notes...i'm kinda at a loss right now...my goal was to get through the holidays and now they're past i'm not sure what to do or what's going to happen. but it is so nice to hear from you - thank you so much!! xx
from ethereal-red :
Thanks so much... I appreciate your support. :)
from girl101 :
i just stumbled on over; i really like your month by month update. i just made one recently, i haven't posted it yet though. i couldn't decide whether to add quotes, but it's really great when people do them online because a lot of time we talk about things but never in context, do you know what i mean? shine on you pretty diamond, and i hope you have a great new years ♥
from minstrelite :
That was a great month-by-month overview you posted. Even though December ended on a tentative note, regarding self-injury, I have faith you will again overcome, and are doing so. You have been through a lot of changes this year, as have I. I might craft a similar summary and post it before New Year's Eve. Blessings! ~Andy
from hadassah :
Thank you. You have no idea what that means to me. Put the coffee on I'll be right over.
from luxelady :
YAY!! happy birthday!!
from anainsight :
Happy, happy birthday!!! (((hugs))) Glad it was a good one. Hope next year brings you wonderful things.
from ethereal-red :
I am so glad you had a good birthday. :) I hope this upcoming new year brings you nothing but peace and joy.
from dvlsh1 :
happy birthday sweetie I hope next year will be wonderful for you!! hugs
from enurta :
I tried to leave when he got violent...before he hit me, but he started hitting me when I wanted to leave - he wanted me to stay. so that is what 'provoked' him, he didn't want me to leave him so he hit me and tried to strangle me...but it's okay, really, he is a good guy but I think he is depressed, it can't be easy to live with someone like me. I am mean sometimes and *I* have hit him and hurt him in the past when he did nothing but love me....so i think he just has bottled up anger inside of him that needed to get out. i love him and i would never leave him no matter what, he is the only one that understands me and I need him in so many ways......i can't imagine my life without him so I forgive him. i know he didn't mean it. next time i'll try to control my own anger so he won't get provoked....
from angel-scar :
Dear Terry, December 24, 2007 I have been thinking about you alot the past couple of days. Christmas is just around the corner, only 2 days away. I didn't buy any Christmas presents this year, because I havn't been working. I am still planning on buying you a gift. I'm going to see if Chris can help me out with buying you a Christmas card, because I really want to send you one this Christmas. It has been very hard for me around the holidays. I was listning to a Christmas song today and it made me cry. It's called "All I want for Christmas is you" by Mariah Carrey. Because that's all I want. Not just for Christmas though. I really hope that you are getting treated well by your family. I hope that they are doing the best that they can in rasing you. I sometimes think about all of the things that I would have been doing with you, if I had you at home with me right now. Things like getting ready for Christmas, playing in the snow, watching movies and playing games, reading you stories and just talking to you, and spending time with you. I hope that your family is doing all of those things with you. Terry, I MISS YOU SOOO MUCH! I feel like I really messed up. All I have ever wanted my whole life was to be a mother, a wife, and hopefully a grandmother one day. I just found out recently that I cannot have anymore children, and that is part of the reason why I have to have this surgery. You were/are my mirical baby. God gave me my only chance of being a mother and I didn't take that chance for granted. I hate myself for not being a responsible mother like I should have been. I hope that you do not grow to hate me because of it, but if you do... I will understand. I wish that I could see you right now. Your adopted mother has stopped sending me letters and pictures. I am sure that you have grown up heathy and strong. I think about you all of the time. Wishing and dreaming about how my life would have been right now if I had you home with me. I am happy, but there is always going to be a part of me that I am missing in my life, that no other can replace or fill in my heart, and that is you Terry. Without you I don't feel whole, or complete. This was supposed to be a short, sweet letter but I cannot help myself. I just wish that I could tell you exactly how I am feeling right now. It is very hard for me to write to you, because I want to tell you so much. But everytime I think of what I want to say....I get emotional! I hope that one day you will read my letters and hopefully understand that I didn't give you away because I don't love you or want you in my life, But only because I do love you and I believed that at that time, it was what was best for you. What your parents are provinding you right now, I cannot eccept for my love, and sometimes, just sometimes, love just isn't enough. I hope you know what I mean by that. I tell Chris about you all of the time. He can see how much I am hurting. And he is doing well in comforting me, but right now I feel like the only comfort I need right now, is to see your beautiful face again and hold you in my arms again. Even for just one last time. I wasn't ready to say goodbye when I did. Everytime I had you with me, even during my visitations in the C.A.S building, it never felt like enough time. I am so sorry Terry. I am sorry that it had to be this way, I am sorry that you can't meet your father, I am sorry that I cannot be there for you when times are the hardest and saddest, I am sorry for lots of things, but i am not sorry or regretfull for bringing you into this world. You mean more to me than you will ever know! I am very happy to hear that you are in a good home and that you are loved, heathy and sheltered. You are a smart and special little boy, and I know that you will do well in your many years to come. I want nothing more than the best for you. I just wish that I could be that for you. Your father, Allan, loved you very much, and I trust that he is watching over you, and seeing what a beautiful little man you are growing up to be. I wish he was here with me right now, helping me write this letter to you, and telling you all of the wonderful things that he would have liked to tell you, but unfortunatly he cannot do that. I want you to know that your daddy loved you very much and that you ment the world to him. You look alot like your father. You have his hair, eyes, ears and mouth. I am going to try and put together a little photo album so you can see what your father looked like. And when you and I meet again, I will let tell you all that I know about your daddy. I pray that one day I will get the opportunity to meet you again! Until then, Merry Christmas and A happy New Year! And I wish you the best in your future with your adopted family. I love you with all of my heart, and I miss you sooo much Terry-Matthew! Love, Your mom, Kelly.
from ethereal-red :
Yep, the goal is to reduce the drug use/SI. I don't know the success rate, but it sure does help me.
from ethereal-red :
Opiates are the chemicals in the brain that are released when a person does stuff like drugs and SI. They're what give you the "high". Naltrexone/Revia blocks the effects of opiates, so you don't get the high.
from dvlsh1 :
hugs. I know the feelings of release that cutting can give.. when I want to cut I have 2 tricks that I now use.. I hold an ice cube in my hand until I cannot stand it anymore, or I put a rubber band on my wrist and snap it. It gives the same release of feelings for me that the cutting does, but I don't hurt myself as much.. you can feel free to try it if you'd like.. hugs.
from luxelady :
i'm so sorry you were feeling so bad - i hate to hear that anyone's going through that, 'cause i know how awful it really is. i don't know if you're a huggy person, but i'm sending you a tight squeeze and i'm thinking of you. xx luxe
from minstrelite :
I read your last five entries last night before this one, and now I read this one. Old habits do die hard, and the less you kick yourself now the better. The years is only a unit of time. You still own all the days in that year free of cutting. And most of all, today is yours. You own today. The important thing is that you are getting help. I need to do this, too -- not with cutting, but in other areas. I know you are a good person, Emily. This is obvious. God loves you.
from ethereal-red :
Looks like you're not doing so hot, either. :( I completely understand how you feel, both about the weight and about the cutting. Unfortunately, I no longer get a high from cutting due to the opiate blockers in my medication regiment. My brain is actually unable to get a high from the self-injury due to that medication (it's called naltrexone/Revia). So, when I cut the other day, it just hurt. No high whatsoever. Kinda sucked. I hope you begin to feel better soon. I'm thinking of you...
from dvlsh1 :
hugs. I get depressed n really irritable this time of year for no real reason.. the weather is gloomy, it's dark at 4 pm and it's not like you can go out and do things when it's freezing cold.. Im like a bear, I could sleep all winter.. Maybe the weather is contribiting to your moods? Im always here for you . hugs
from fuschiashock :
what else can you tell me about u of t and/or toronto? i'm thinking of applying there for grad school, not that that's soonsoonsoon, but it's coming.
from minstrelite :
In Canada, you have universal health care. I'm still waiting for a verification slip from MediCare that will allow me to be seen at an emergency room. The cost of a visit to a family practice center is out of the question.
from fuschiashock :
i hear that the u of t campus is beautiful. true?
from catfiction :
Hi, To answer your question, alternative refers to the practice of a Dom/sub lifestyle.
from ethereal-red :
You are right. You ARE capable! And that supervisor is an idiot.
from catfiction :
Hello there, Thank you for your notes, it was incredibly kind of you to take the time to impart such detailed instructions, really, what a nice thing to do :-) I shall certainly have a go at turning the diary pink as soon as an opportune moment presents itself. Thank you again for your generosity. Have a good week and take care.
from luxelady :
Emily, thank you so much for your kind words. Your support and thoughtfulness mean so much, i can barely articulate it. i don't know what's going to happen, but just knowing that there's someone out there who cares enough to write makes those darkest moments a little easier...it means a lot. Thanks.
from dragprincess :
Kate B. is a great activist and woman. She usually comes around my office a few times a year - I'll tell her you loved the book.
from fuschiashock :
it's just the middle names and last name i've been struggling with.
from fuschiashock :
well, nothing's going, really. i've reconsidered what i want my full name to me, and i think i've settled on something, but the forms have to be notarized, and i don't know where to find a notary without having to pay a ridiculous amount for it. eventually it will happen. right now i'm mainly just trying to deal with depression, which is only a little bit linked to gender for me. my parents came up from nova scotia last week after my roommate phoned them, and took me to the hospital, so now i'm on different meds, which is good. prozac was not for me. i'm not sure that this is really better, though. i dissociate all the time now, although i am less anxious than i was. it's hard. the psychiatrist i saw that day told me that there's only really one antidepressant left for me to try after this.
from fuschiashock :
i'm hoping to get to halifax sometime soonish so that i can go to venus envy and buy a bunch of books: that, stone butch blues, some judith butler, etc.
from fuschiashock :
i really want to read that book.
from minstrelite :
I replied to your reply to my email reply, just now (1pm Sunday in Toronto).
from minstrelite :
You know what St. Augustine said: "Love God and do what you want." I think that's pretty positive. :)
from luxelady :
that's awesome lady - you rock!! also - thanks so much for your kind words - they mean so much to me. it's nice to know that there's someone out there...
from dvlsh1 :
hugs. Glad to see that you don't want to let things get you down and that you don't want to self-mutilate. =)
from minstrelite :
It's been taking me some time to consolidate within myself what I really think, and it might be easier to discuss this on Windows Messenger. Basically, though, I think that: (1) God IS love, and it's not in His nature not to love us, no matter who or what we are. But that might not comfort you. (2) The big deal about homosexuality in particular is a little off-the-mark, because what the Bible expresses is a general distincition between the way that sexuality IN GENERAL is manifested in culture, and the way that it ought to be manifested in a healthy ideal. People get all up-in-arms when they read Romans 1:25-32 and figure God is sending all the gay people to hell, but if you really take a look at it, it sounds to me as though He's talking about some kind of wild orgy where everybody's just using each other for their own selfish pleasures, as distinct from sex being just one of many parts of a wholesome and healthy relationship. It all stems from worshipping the "creature" rather than the "creator" who is responsible for having created the creature. We all do that from time to time, but it's not a good thing, because we run the risk of overlooking the spirit or life-force that embues the person with the divine spark of life; just because the person is so gorgeous or sexy or what-have-you. So, I think we have to take a look at these Scriptures in light of what the basic point is. When people take the Bible too literally, they run into trouble. But that doesn't mean that the book and its wisdom are to be disregarded altogether.
from minstrelite :
Of course God loves you!
from fuschiashock :
it was just temporary. now unlocked.
from luxelady :
thank you for all your kind and helpful words. i really am giving it a try...
from minstrelite :
I answered your questions in the comments section of the entry I wrote on the day after Thanksgiving.
from in19seconds :
You are so awesome, always leaving me notes. I wish I could remember to do that when I read diaries. I should try out stick-it notes, huh?
from minstrelite :
It's all a matter of faith, Emily.
from ethereal-red :
Hey, congratulations. :) I don't think you're a freak. I, too, often find myself wanting self-injury again, despite having almost six months of no-self-harm under my belt.
from luxelady :
congrats on such an awesome milestone! any thoughts or advice you'd care to share with someone starting out?
from anainsight :
Hello my intrepid HTML editor, I tried to put a link in my latest entry about my little Kika, but it doesn't show up as a link. Could you find out what kind of html tags I need to put in there in order for it to take the reader directly to the link, or is that not possible? Note me with the info or e-mail me with the html tags, and I'll try to take it from there.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for the encouragement. :)
from ungenderless :
Why thank you! ^__^
from idontpretend :
My advice? If you can get away without giving up everything you've worked for, do it. Finish school and move on with your life and leave them behind. Maybe someday they will have a change of heart and come to you and accept you for who you are. If not, live your life for yourself, be happy, and just let them go.
from anainsight :
Hey, I'm glad you had a good weekend. Me, not so much 'cause I had to come back home and I didn't want to. But I'm happy for you. Keep up the good work with your grades! (((hugs)))
from smokefree-me :
That's right, gotta try. Goals are good to aim for, even if you miss them every now & then.
from ungenderless :
Hey thanks! (((Hugs to you))) Hope you are doing well.
from painted-eyes :
Hey, great job on your grades. I'm really proud of you.
from gr8chick :
Hey, girl! I'm glad things are looking up, and I'm sure you'll have a great time with your chicky-poo!
from ethereal-red :
Congratulations in that girl saying yes! And your healthy eating plan looks awesome. I am so glad you had a good day!
from minstrelite :
Don't let your mom diagnose you. She is not a psychiatrist.
from ethereal-red :
Just so ya know, if you DO get diagnosed with BPD, it doesn't mean you're a freak. I thought I was a freak for so long after I was diagnosed with Borderline. But I was wrong.
from dvlsh1 :
hugs. I am so sorry that your family is not supporting you. I don't think that you can " influence" anyone to be gay, or straight, or bi-sexual. I truly think that a person is born that way. I support you, I say do what makes you happy and to hell with what anyone else says. lots of love n hugs. maria
from anainsight :
I am so proud of you for calling the crisis line and for trying so hard to get back "up". It's really hard, I know exactly how it feels when you're so low, but I want you to get well for NaNo. I'm not participating, but I expect a copy when yours is finished! (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
Thanks! And good for you for calling the crisis line. I think it's awesome that you're using your resources instead of reverting to negative behavior. :)
from anainsight :
(((hugs you tight))) Go ahead and call the crisis line if you have to. I am thinking of you and sending you a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from luxelady :
please please call the crisis line or someone else if you need to - don't let your dark thoughts take you down...i'm thinking of you and if that's all you focus on, focus on me thinking of you and that you're not alone. xx luxe
from dvlsh1 :
Thanks for the note. Im glad you don't think I sound off my rocker. Have a good day
from ethereal-red :
I LOVE The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Love it.
from beautigirl :
*laughs* another late night lost in TO? Good times, good times.
from dragprincess :
good god, you don't think i'm fat? marry me.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note (hugs back). One of the big problems about being so scared is I can't seem to make any plans. I just don't know what to do except for what you said, keep seeing my therapist and work on myself. Sending hugs your way...
from beautigirl :
You should definitely save up. If you are at your moms and working, time will go by faster than you think. I have to start saving now for next years tuition and even still I am barely going to have enough. Scholarships are hard to maintain because courses usually have two major assignments, a midterm, and final exam. I don't want to scare you, I just want to give you a realistic expectation.
from minstrelite :
I wasn't sure if you were joking or not! So I just took the stance that you might not have been, figuring you'd let me know if you were. Computers really do sometimes twist our intentions, sometimes minorly, sometimes majorly. I miss chatting with you on MSN too. But the good news is: TOMORROW I GET A COMPUTER!!!
from gr8chick :
I really hope you're feeling better soon!
from angel-scar :
Hey I thank you for giving me that link for the gothic templates, but it says that it's not available right now. How do i use it again? Oh Can you come over next weekend??
from minstrelite :
I've always thought you to be eminently sane. I was only responding because you had written these words in your previous note: "I'm trying to figure out what led to this decision and making sure it's not temporary insanity." So I just wanted to assure you that it didn't sound like temporary insanity to me.
from minstrelite :
Offhand, I'd guess you're within the bounds of sanity. Anyway, here's hoping for the best!
from minstrelite :
Sounds like you've been doing some interesting reconsidering...
from watty :
Thanks for your note! I'm still alive and kicking... lots of changes in my life. I have been documenting my life, but need to post all my entries now! Glad you're having a great weekend so far. I need to shop and get my hair done. Thanks for reminding me! Enjoy the rest of your weekend. =)
from aqualimestar :
I hope you got a grade you were happy with on your midterm... I have one coming up. Humbug! I hate midterms & finals. But it always feels good when they are over and you have the grades. You sound better in your last two entries, despite having a cold. Feel better ok ? :)
from ethereal-red :
Feel better soon!
from gr8chick :
Hey, there! I hope you feel better. Have a great weekend!
from anainsight :
Good luck on the midterm and with the "official" date!
from minstrelite :
Hey Emily, I just happened to read your last two entries. About being haunted by the past, I feel that way a lot myself. I think that once we begin living in such a way that deep within we feel is right, a lot of that self-loathing begins to fade away. That has happened with me even in the past month or so, which admittedly is related to my finally being in the position where my particular set of abilities and strengths is related to my source of income. In other words, I have a music job that I enjoy. So I am no longer as frustrated and confused as I was earlier, or as inclined to escape from those uncomfortable feelings of frustration and confusion in various unhealthy ways. That's been my challenge, anyway. In your case, I think a lot of your challenge is in letting up on yourself. You are sometimes so hard on yourself, and you don't need to be, as you are a basically nice person with many good qualities. Anyway, that's enough out of me! Hope your date goes well!
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for your note(s). :) I am so glad that somebody understands. I love making out, but to be honest anything beyond that isn't that exciting once I got past the initial rush of it being my first time and all. Sure, sex felt good, but it was receiving oral sex that really got me going. When I make out, I picture a woman. I feel kind of bad about that. I suppose I should have a discussion with Stephen about this whole issue. I certainly don't want to. It's just... I don't know. All I know is that I will be happiest with a woman.
from ethereal-red :
Good luck on getting your date! :)
from anainsight :
It is worth while. I don't know how I know that, it's something I know but I don't necessarily feel. If I've learned anything these past few years, it's that feelings are not always to be trusted, but Truth can be trusted. I'm always here if you want to talk. (((hugs)))
from anainsight :
I wanted to let you know that I know EXACTLY how you feel - right now life seems really hard. What's left of my family doesn't understand or appreciate me, and that doesn't make the self-loathing any easier to bear. So I totally understand. Please feel free to e-mail me if you need to talk. (((hugs)))
from imatwin :
I liked your last post. It's actually now something I want to send to everyone I know. It's such a sad story, and carries a good lesson. I also read your post about the provinical election. Though I can't vote, I would have voted for the Liberals :) And I probably would have said no to the Referendum, just because Canada has one of the best voting systems in the world. The news really did do a horrible job at explaining the Referendum, though. About what the Austrailians do, I think that's actually a really good idea. I went around asking all the eighteen year olds at my school for this survey thing we were putting in our school newspaper if they were going to vote or not and only six out of twenty said yes. I freaked. Haha. But yeah, I can't wait to vote. And I'm really pleased that the Liberals won.
from falloficarus :
I'm not one hundred percent sure how it's beautiful yet. It is just something that I kind of came to as a little realization thing, you know? I think I'm still trying to figure things out. But I will definitely keep you updated. ^^
from gr8chick :
OMG...you better use the buddy system for a while, just in case! How horrible! That asshole...I hope he gets what he deserves. Let's hope he's never went even further than that with other passengers! Be safe, and be on guard!
from anainsight :
That is absolutely disgusting. You didn't deserve that. I hope he gets punished - you could probably even prosecute. Take care and I am thinking of you. (((safe hugs)))
from dvlsh1 :
sorry that crap happend to you. Definitly file that complaint and make sure they follow through on it! hugs maria
from ethereal-red :
Yuck. What a disgustingly scary cab driver! Sorry that happened to you.
from ethereal-red :
To graduate DBT, you must have gone through the modules several times and have gotten a good grip on the skills.
from gr8chick :
I just wanted to say, "Hello," and let you know that I have added you to my favs. Thanks for the lovely comment you put with my profile. It brought a smile to my face. Take care, have a great weekend with your familia! ;)
from ethereal-red :
I am SO glad your cousins are understanding, accepting and loving people. That's awesome!
from painted-eyes :
I don't know. In some standards, I guess I am.
from painted-eyes :
Aw, sorry, hon. I guess I'm used to being spoiled, but I'd rather be independent and struggling to get by than depending on them and having no freedom to be myself.
from painted-eyes :
Oh, and by the way, I can't stand it when I'm stuck around my family either. Mine are trying to coerce me into going home for the summer because they don't want to pay for me to take classes on campus this summer or to pay for my food, but isn't that what families are supposed to do? Anyway, they don't like me at all, and even if I have to move in with my girlfriend, I'm NOT going home this summer.
from painted-eyes :
Thanks, hon! I didn't realize you were going for surgery, that's so exciting!!!
from painted-eyes :
I'm alright, but not the best, yet really excited because my girlfriend's coming to visit tomorrow night and staying for about three weeks, so it should be amazing.
from ethereal-red :
What's genderfucking?
from minstrelite :
You're right -- it is no excuse. And my feeling is that she's probably NOT in her right mind. In the wise mind, one would know that it wouldn't exactly score points with the man she loves to mistreat the daughter he loves. Obviously, that's illogical. So her behavior stems from sort of dysfunction, and she needs counseling. It's good that you are getting the help you need, and so I think you must be gentle with yourself, and compassionate with yourself. Inasmuch as is possible for you, don't let her get to you.
from painted-eyes :
Hey, hon, I haven't talked to you in a while. I was just checking up to see how you've been...so, that being said, how have you been? :D
from ethereal-red :
I get easily triggered when it comes to eating disorder stuff; that's why I left almost all the ED groups I was in on Facebook, even the pro-recovery ones.
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. It was hard to give Chippie back but it was for the best. I'm glad you're doing better - hang in there sweetie, and if you need anything don't hesitate to e-mail. (((hugs)))
from falloficarus :
You're right, it is sad. And I wish that I could do something for him, but I really do think that he has given up completely. He doesn't have anything anymore. He has already been to rehab twice, and because of the paper he's writing for his doctorate he doesn't really want to go back. He's just completely fallen, and he doesn't want me to help him because he thinks that it'll just ruin my life. All I can really do at this point is watch him, because I've done everything that I can at this point. I don't know what else to do. Blegh. On another note, I hope that you start feeling better soon. I hate that everyone seems so miserable lately, and you're so much fun when you're happy.
from ethereal-red :
Don't worry, your post wasn't triggering. It takes a lot to trigger me when it comes to self-injury. But hey... hope you're feeling at least a little better today.
from aqualimestar :
I am glad that you were finally able to get yourself to eat and take your meds. Its a constant battle, as you know, some times much more difficult than others. No matter what, just keep challenging the thoughts. I believe in you. (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
Drawing the pictures was a good idea. Stay away from the blade... you know it only hurts more than it helps. And while I may not totally understand your suffering, not being trans and all and not being in your family, I do understand some of it, and do understand suffering in general. I am always here for you.
from anainsight :
It sounds like you are drawing "angry pictures", like I had to. Keep it up and keep drawing the red marks on the picture. If you have to do it all night, but don't cut yourself. OK? I am thinking of you. (((hugs)))
from all-time-urz :
ha! i got it now. i added you to my contacts list. talk to u soon. remember alynne1031@hotmail.com
from all-time-urz :
ok well i'll be on my IM name (crazhorseluver13) 'til 'round 9:30. so if you're on your MSN at all see if it works and if not let me know tomorrow or leave a note tonight.
from all-time-urz :
hey jsut read your latest. my life has been basically sleep and hk too. and yeah, somehow things will wind down eventually and every day will look brighter. ttyl - amanda
from all-time-urz :
ok cool. i'll add you althoughi don't know if it will come up as my e-mail (alynne1031@hotmail.com) or my IM name (crazhorseluver13) but we'll figure it out either way. talk to u soon! -amanda
from all-time-urz :
hey, you sound like you're doing pretty good accept for the constant pain thing. look if you ever want to just talk or blow off steam get in touch. just let me know and we'll figure how's the best way for us to comunicate. but what ever you don't have to. just tryin' to lend a helpin' hand that is, if you want it. so yeah i'm here. take care - amanda ;D
from minstrelite :
I'm only guessing, Emily, but she probably sees you as "Daddy's girl." In her mind, she might be exaggerating the degree and nature of the bond you have with your father to the point where she sees you as a threat. And most of all, she might be an extremely insecure person who is easily threatened. Has she had a history of successful relationships with men in the past? I doubt it. She's probably irrationally afraid of losing one of the only things that's of value to her, and that gives her a sense of value. But all of that is only a guess.
from minstrelite :
Didn't realize you were in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. That's good stuff. Also, I was thinking: if I had a girlfriend, say if Beth and I were finally to get it together somehow, I betcha anything she'd be jealous when she met Echo. She'd be happy, and she wouldn't be demeaning like your step mom, but it's a natural thing for the gf or wife of the biological father, though not the biological mother, to be envious. This is not to minimize the emotionally abusive nature of your step mom, but maybe it might help explain her motives, ridiculous as they might be. It would be hard for me, as a divorced father of a single child, to find a woman who could be in any way more important to me than my only daughter, despite that he nature of the two relationships are entirely different.
from anainsight :
Whoa, score another one for Radical Acceptance. You're doing it - keep it up! (((hugs and licks from Chippie)))
from dvlsh1 :
I feel like I am in the same boat with you on so many things.. * grabs an oar and starts rowing..* =) I am proud of you for working on yourself.. that's all anyone can do .. go you =)
from ethereal-red :
Radical Acceptance is a hard skill to use and learn, and I am glad that you are using it in your daily life. Go DBT! Woooo!
from theturtle :
I absolutely hate those non-slip pads in bathtubs for that same reason: they suck. The best ones are the ones that are physically glued to the bottom of the tub and have gritty surfaces on top.
from ethereal-red :
Oh, that sucks so bad... I'm sorry you keep getting hurt! If it keeps on being bad, go to the doctor to get it checked out. I hope you feel better soon...
from all-time-urz :
wow! seems like you've had it pretty rough. just take it easy. if you continue to have severe pain you should go see a doctor or somthin' just to check and make sure. we don't want you to suffer any more if you don't have to. take a few days and just chill, ya know, recooperate because it sounds like you need it real bad. hey, i'll be prayin for you. keepin' you in mind, hope you feel a LOT better. luv ya - amanda
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for the info!
from beautigirl :
Actually would have been foursome. PG, observing guy, me, and lesbien's sister. But, no thanks, lol.
from ethereal-red :
Hey, glad you had a good time at Lisa's party! I know you'd been looking forward to that. I like pugs, but I hate their snort. Jenny has a pug and she's just in love with her. :) And what's up with this haylee4 chick? She seems to be stalking you or something.
from flicka :
Man, sorry about the abuse you suffered. It's taken its toll on me later in life....and I now abuse myself (bulemia to cutting to abusing prescriptions to trying to suicide...to heroin and shooting meth and self injury). It's so hard. Your abuser doesn't understand the consequences or just doesn't care. Or both. I'm sorry. Your instructor deserves to know that you found it extremely distressing to show that kind of film. I teach and always explain the shows ahead of time and give alternative shows.
from minstrelite :
Actually, I did read your entry today. I'm sorry you had to watch that movie. I'd have been triggered too, as my PTSD is related to something very similar to that. I hope you will be able to take advantage of your grounding techniques, or treat yourself to something nice. Be good to yourself.
from haylee4 :
im h@ylEe byby bitch
from ethereal-red :
Hang in there...
from anainsight :
Do like your title says - keep moving forward. I know it's hard, I've been there so very recently - you are in my thoughts. (((hugs)))
from aqualimestar :
Do whatever it takes to not cut :( I know how difficult it is, but I believe in you, even if you don't believe in yourself. Try to be kind, you deserve to feel well. (((hug)))
from minstrelite :
Hey Emily, I just want to let you know I haven't forgotten you. I had to give back the laptop I was borrowing after mine got stolen, and I have very little computer time. I usually read Old Jake and that's about it. But once I'm more settled, I'll get to your diary and to Windows Messenger again. I really miss chatting with you.
from enurta :
thanks :) my other tattoo looks like this: http://i5.tinypic.com/4keiznl.jpg it's N's name in arabic. So on my rigth wrist I have my husbands name...and on my left one i have a paw, because i love my cats and cannot live without them.
from beautigirl :
Well if you are applying to all three universities which happen to be in Ontario, then use the OUAC website and they will communicate to the universities for you. It will be cheeper then applying to all three separately anyways.
from aqualimestar :
You must be so excited to be choosing a uni. Good luck and have fun doing it :)
from ethereal-red :
Well, I've been in the hospital twice since my month-long one. My last one was in early June... so it's been three and a half months since the last one. I'll definitely let you know how the visual journaling class goes. I am very excited for it. :)
from beautigirl :
I used the ouac website. You can put a major and a minor if you want to, or just select a major.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for your kind note. I am glad others are noticing my hard work. :) I am noticing yours as well! You're doing great!
from ethereal-red :
He's willing to wear one. I've done some reasearch on birth control, and the Nuvo-Ring sounds the most interesting to me. Don't know if if medical assistance will cover it, though.
from purplebanana :
Thanks for the password. I might be a dummy, but I don't know how to delete notes. Can you tell me? Thanks.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks so much for your support. :) I was very comfortable, and he made things so not-akward. I was nervous as hell but I definetly wanted to do what we did. We were going to actually have sex, too, but it didn't work. It literally didn't work. I was too tight. I'll have to do some stretch work before sex is even possible. If that's too much info, sorry...
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your note. Yes, I'll definitely have to have another dog, but it's going to take a while before I feel like getting a new one. I'm going to wait maybe until January or so, that will give me enough time to grieve.
from purplebanana :
No!! You're locked. Can I please have a password?
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. Please do keep me in your prayers, and I'll keep you in mine. For a while there all I could think about was how bad I wanted to die and be reunited with my little Kika again, but now I think she would want me to stay and be happy, because she made me so happy. So I'm going to try. Thanks for thinking about me. (((hugs)))
from theturtle :
Ack! No lovin' on the password tip. Can you send it through hotmail? it's theturtle at diaryland dot com...
from beautigirl :
Or just delete those notes when you have enough time. You definitely don't need that negativity.
from dvlsh1 :
hugs my inbox is always open to you anytime you want someone to talk to, or even just someone to nod and let you know that they understand.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks. :)
from razor-vixen :
I don't think I have your email? Please email me the password at razor_vixen@hotmail.com. Thanks!
from dvlsh1 :
you're welcome for the kind words, I think you are a terrific person. If you don't mind me reading your diary, my email is devilishangel61401@yahoo.com if you don't want to send a user name/password I will understand. Always be true to yourself and to hell with what other ppl say and think. You are amazing and don't you forget it.=)
from beautigirl :
Yeah Dland is strange that way. I tried before and it didn't work. Are you thinking of going to GDB? Lindsay and I are going next summer. You still have time to apply! You'll find it very useful for university. I wish I had went this summer.
from beautigirl :
And I didn't get an email? Wink wink, nudge nudge.
from theturtle :
WTF, lockdown? Email me with a login, I have to see what happens!
from dvlsh1 :
hugs im sorry ppl feel the need to treat you like shit. hence why i put a note on my page that reads.. do not piss off dragons for you are crunchy and tasty in ketchup. You are a million times better then they ever will be. I love you as a freind, and I think you are one of the most couragoues ppl I know. may the powers that be bless you always, and don't let the jerks get to you. hugs. maria
from falloficarus :
See, that's the cute part. I actually live in California, but thanks to Jared I know basically everything about Canada and Ontario specifically. xD It's lovely. And yes, I do have MSN. You can definitely send me an IM. thymeflys@hotmail.com
from falloficarus :
To be honest I have no idea. xD I never asked him. He rarely talked about school unless it was to complain or talk about playing rugby. Or to get me to go to Humber. =P I'll ask him next time I see him online, being his badass self. Still, it would be so weird if you knew him. Haha, small world. And don't worry about getting into our business. It's a sensitive subject and although he blames me for not being respectful to him or some such thing, you know, I really think that I have more of the right to be angry than he does. Whatever. Some people. As you can tell I became quite upset myself. xD Your studies are awesome, by the way, and I really admire what you're doing. I'm going into graphic arts myself, which should be entertaining. You make me smile. :)
from falloficarus :
HUMBER? I JUST READ THAT YOU GO TO HUMBER. MY BEST FRIEND WENT TO HUMBER. Wow. Okay, I'm done having a spasm. It would be so, so weird if you happened to know him. I would probably flip. I know that it's unlikely, but still. It would trip me out. I thought that I'd just mention that little tidbit of information. I'm going to go about my way now. xD Thank you.
from falloficarus :
Hey, I just wanted to say that I thank you SO much for your notes. I really appreciated them and it makes me so happy to have someone understand what I'm talking about. And yes, I know the term is technically intersexed, but I used hermaphrodite purposefully because I feel like both male and female. I don't feel like neither, I feel like an equal combination. Even though the term technically isn't the proper way to refer to it, it's how I feel since biologically I am simply female. But thank you. I probably shouldn't have exploded as much as I did, but he didn't ask me to give him time to adjust or anything, he just said that he wouldn't call me sir. I never asked him to do so, I just wanted to know if he would do it if I wanted him to. And the way he worded things just set me off. I'm a little volatile. But back to the point of this note, THANK YOU. I really appreciate it. And I will definitely be looking through your diary because you sound like someone that I would really enjoy. ^^ I hope maybe we can talk together sometime? I would love it. Drop me another note sometime. <3
from minstrelite :
Let's chat tonight if possible. About everyone thinking they know what's best for you, nothing stresses me out more. Largely, it's because they're all so wrong!! But I can't control their choices. It's valuable to know that there's nothing I can do about what they think or say. All I can control is my reaction to it.
from beautigirl :
No. Ebany and Little is the same cat. He doesn't know his name is Ebany, but he goes by Little. Then it's Lestat and my mom's cat Yum-yum.
from anainsight :
Hey, I'm so glad you like the new counselor. I hope she does you a lot of good. You deserve to have somebody good to work with. I am thinking of you and sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
Hey, no problem. :)
from dvlsh1 :
you're welcome for both the advice and the interview. I did guess right that you were in canada yay!! And number 2 is does not sound like a cop-out one of the reasons Im on disability is due to depression. It can get better, don't ever loose hope sweetie. hugs have a good day
from dvlsh1 :
Ive always given my shrinks the lamest answear... I want to work on being a better me, learn to deal with the challeges and stress that come with day to day life and not resort to self-destructive means to cope with those stresses and challenges. hope that helps.. take care lots of hugs n love. maria
from ethereal-red :
Therapists are there to help you move forward with your life goals by getting you closer to a full recovery, which is possible for a lot of people. You might say something like "I'm here to work out my anxiety/depression/gender dyspohoria/etc. I deal with <insert urges> and am dealing with the daily difficulties that come with being transgender. I'd like to learn to manage stress better and learn to separate myself from some members of my family while still keeping healthy ties to other closely related members of the same family. I realize therapy is a difficult and often long process, but you will find that I am willing to work hard and dig deep." I don't know. Something like that. :)
from anainsight :
You can say the following things: I'm very depressed and anxious, I sometimes struggle with wanting to cut, I have family issues (or whatever issues you want help around) and that you don't want to just take the medication and hope that you'll feel better, that you want to WORK at it. If you say that you realize that therapy is hard work (and it is), then they might think, "Oh, she's willing to do the work." Hope this helps! And it's easy enough to call this clinic and find out who the professionals are, just ask and make sure it's not the same one. E-mail me if you need to talk.
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. It made me feel good. I didn't mean to get so down on myself, it's just that I get really, really disgusted with myself when I blow it with the food. It's like, I know it's because my mom spent her every waking hour nagging me about my weight, and I can't seem to get her critical voice out of my head. That's part of what Linda and I are working on right now. anyway. Thanks for your kind words, you are very sweet and I appreciate you a lot. (((hugs)))
from idontpretend :
Yeah, but still, if my kid was telling me that his step-mother was treating him badly, I'd take it seriously. I dunno. Sigh.
from anainsight :
I've been thinking about your entry. Is there any way that you can visit with your dad and not speak to her? Like, make sure you visit him when she's gone? I know it hurts you that your dad feels hurt. Maybe you ought to reconsider about not telling him how far you have fallen into depression and how badly you'll shred if she says anything ugly to you. If nothing else, maybe that will get him off your back. I'm not trying to second-guess you or anything, but I am thinking about ways that you could possibly solve your dilemma yet keep yourself safe. Maybe a new therapist will give you some perspective. Maybe she can teach you not to react to your stepmom's barbs. Not all therapists, I don't think, will advise you to 100% stay away if it is causing you such conflict inside. When will you have a new therapist to talk to? I hope it will be soon. In the meantime, stay safe and calm, and e-mail me anytime you need to talk. I'm in and out during the day, but I'll be back home eventually. (((hugs)))
from idontpretend :
I seriously don't understand people like your dad. Your step-mom abused you, badly it sounds like, and all he can do is make excuses? Wtfhell?
from anainsight :
I am so proud of you for making that appointment, and for accepting the fact that your mental illnesses are nothing to be ashamed of. That's a big step. Keep it up and make you some ice for your SI prevention kit. Remember I'm here if you ever need to talk, just drop me an e-mail.
from idontpretend :
Because it's so easy for people who have no conscience, who are selfish, to use people that have big hearts without feeling guilty about it, or even think that they're doing anything wrong. :(
from anainsight :
Aww, I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. I can totally understand and sympathize because just last week I was feeling the exact same way with the anxiety in my chest and needing to cut or purge so bad. Please don't do it, I know you can resist the urge. Do you have a student health center? Maybe you could go there, you might need something for the anxiety in addition to the Effexor. Buspar works in tandem with Effexor for anxiety; I took that combo for years. Please stay calm and safe, and you know my e-mail address if you need to talk. (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
Hang in there until everything gets straightened out. You have run into an exorbitant amount of roadblocks this summer. Funny how we both thought of posting songs in our diary within just a few hours of one another!
from aqualimestar :
Wow, you have a lot of patience! I would be ripping my hair out by now. I am glad your mom went with you. Hopefully that will be the end of all of it :( xx Aqua
from beautigirl :
She didn't specify.
from anainsight :
I hope that things are starting to untwist themselves so that you can start school without any more undue problems. What are you studying? Just keep your head above water, so to speak, and just breathe. I am thinking about you. (((hugs)))
from aqualimestar :
Thank you... I know, I am going to call them in the morning. Its actually the pump supplies to deliver the insulin I need, the infusion sets... It just irritated me beyond belief that they knew i was out and told me they had them on the way, but, bc they didnt have the number in hand, they didnt send them, call the doctor, or call me... But I will be calling again tomorrow :/ Thank you for the note though. It made me feel less like I was being too demanding with the pharmacy. xx Aqua
from beautigirl :
Yes, my LL has no way to contact me unless it's through snail mail. I wish I had found that earlier. I think his brother removed me but its no loss. For some reason B thinks that you don't like her. She's changed quite a bit...
from aqualimestar :
(((hugs))) Try and hang with it. Before school things are always hectic but once you are back it has to get easier. Just take care of yourself right now. I know how utterly stressed you must be, but I am here for you.
from anainsight :
You can handle it, I know you can. Don't get too stressed out, just go with the flow - and call them and TELL THEM exactly what you've gone through because they don't know what they're doing. Or at least tell your mom, so she doesn't fuss at you anymore for it not being 100% set in stone. Good luck - I know you can do it, and I'm pulling for you. (((hugs)))
from minstrelite :
Well I read your last entry anyway. That sucks. Hope you get moved without much stress or overlap with the other girl. You're a survivor, I'm sure you'll be fine. Uh. Wish I had more time. I gotta look for work and a new place to live. Dunno if I should get that laptop, many things are pressing.
from aqualimestar :
You did everything you could, and that is all and the best you can do! I am so sorry you have had to go through all that for school :( And your mom's life would be so empty without you. (((hugs)))
from idontpretend :
I hope this madness goes away soon too. Madness sucks. :(
from ethereal-red :
I just wrote about it. I want to return to anorexia so badly and the ED thoughts are wearing me down. It was so bad today that I cried while talking on the phone to Tracey about all of this. Sometimes I feel like I'm burning alive, the torture my mind puts me through is so great. Today was one of those days.
from anainsight :
I am sending you a big hug 'cause it sounds like you need one.
from ethereal-red :
I've had a horrific day myself. I definetly know the feeling.
from idontpretend :
I'm proud of you for resisting those urges to cut. I honestly don't know what it's like to have those urges. But I CAN relate to having an obssession, or addiction, that isn't entirely healthy, and yet seems to make the pain go away. I know how hard that can be to fight. Hang tough. *hugs*
from aqualimestar :
I understand the urges. I have scars on my arms which will never go away from as far back as seven years. I don't know how I stopped, which probably doesn't help you :( All I can say is I know you don't want to do this. Maybe call someone, hold cold ice in your hand, exercise, beat a pillow... Stall yourself any way you can, like writing in your blog. I think writing is what really helped me, more than anything. I am here for you if you want to talk about it. (((hug)))
from anainsight :
In September it will be two years.
from anainsight :
Wow! A whole year without cutting! You should be proud of yourself. And you're right, you don't want to mess that record up. What have you been watching on TV that was funny? I watched South Park, that amused me. Just keep it up with the ice and the funny stuff until you can unpack your SI kit. Funny, I've never made one - I just tend to go for the ice. It usually works, another thing that works is actually talking to people. Either in person or online. anyway. Remember I'm here if you need to talk.
from anainsight :
Thanks for posting the recovery videos. I have a quilt pattern of the ribbon but it's pink for breast cancer. I think I'll make it in yellow for SI Awareness Day. I'll have it done by March 1st. Fortunately it's a paper piecing pattern, the kind you can do without needing a rotary cutter. I'm still too nervous to have those around me. Please don't start cutting again. You've been doing so well. If you need to cut really bad, you know how to e-mail me, right? I'll support you in any way I can. (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
Hey... good for you for not cutting... I know it's hard, but you're strong! You can get through this! And the ice is a great idea. I use it on my face when I'm really upset. Really calms me down fast.
from and-darling :
Hey! Thanks for commenting my template-- the background image I took a few years ago because I thought that every amateur photographer needed pictures of telephone lines. Makes us seem more... talented? You seem like an interesting read, and I totally know what you mean by parents and their informal beliefs echoing through out their children's heads. Sometimes you have to ignore it, or eventually "if you have sex I'm going to kill you" may actually happen. Most of the time they're just making a threat.
from aqualimestar :
You are a great person. Some people are just selfish, but you are definentilly not one of them. ((hug))
from ethereal-red :
Not being at everybody's beck and call does not make you a selfish, shitty person at all! You know your limits and boundaries and you set them. Good for you! And thanks so much for the help with the photobucket thing. It worked great!
from haylee4 :
i just so your dire and it is cool do you like mine?
from idontpretend :
thank you
from haylee4 :
ill let you in k haylee4
from haylee4 :
pleazzs add me to your buddy list ill add you from haylee4
from anainsight :
The reason I hate LJ so much is that I'm a big Harry Potter fan, and they're targeting the fan fiction/fan art sites, claiming that it's pornography, and supposedly even have been reporting artists to the authorities. Everybody's running scared about what they're going to do about their stories and art.
from anainsight :
Awww, I just hate it that you're still under stress because of government screw-ups. That sucks! I had a similar situation that has been going on since March 15, and it FINALLY was resolved on August 15. So it just takes SO LONG for them to get their shit together and they don't care if you starve to death in the meantime. Please try to take your mom at her word and let her help you out and try to relax. I am thinking of you. (((hugs)))
from haylee4 :
hi leave me a note at haylee4 and see my diree by
from dvlsh1 :
hugs aw sugar, not being everyone's " beck n call girl/guy" ( i love that line from pretty woman) does not make you selfish or mean or a bad freind. It makes you human. Its ok to tell ppl no, to take time to take care of yourself and your needs. Your true freinds will understand that you need time and space for your needs. I hope your weekend gets better. hugs n love
from aqualimestar :
Aww Hon, not being able to take someone dumping their drama on you constantly does not make you a bad person at all. Everyone has their own stresses in life, and sometimes it is too difficult for other people to see that. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. (((hug))) Be kind to yourself.
from theturtle :
Step back a second... you're a bad person because you don't let somebody dump their shit on you every day so that THEY feel better? Why get pulled into that? What are YOU getting out of it? What are you getting back from being someone else's crutch? Eventually, they need to learn to walk on their own. Without climbing on someone else's back. Don't answer the phone. It's your phone, you are perfectly free to ignore it anytime you want.
from beautigirl :
A book? And your not writing about it? I’m curious as to what it’s called. Don ‘t worry about avoiding K. Sometimes it’s good to get away from everyone’s problems and it seems like that’s all she calls you for. I hope your move goes well. Good luck, I’m thinking of you.
from anainsight :
You know, I used to think the same thing, that I was a bad person if I wasn't there 100% all the time for my friends. I found out pretty quick, esp. w/ Rachel & Martha, that they can start taking advantage of that pretty fast. For example, Rachel's dryer doesn't work. It broke more than a year ago. I let her do her laundry a few times and now it's a regular thing. Instead of saving up the money to get it fixed, she keeps mooching off me. Martha calls me ALL THE TIME and she's inconsiderate enough to call late at night after I'm trying to get to sleep. So I've found that I have to distance myself from them sometimes. That doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me human. Last week when I was so stressed I almost cut, Martha kept calling and calling. I kept ignoring her calls because I thought it just wasn't fair of her to keep interrupting me when I needed peace and quiet. So, what I took a long time to say was, PLEASE don't be so hard on yourself just because you need a break from the world. You're very busy right now. Just take your break and quit worrying so much about your friends, they'll understand and if they don't, they aren't as great of friends as you thought they were. I am thinking of you. (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
A labret piercing is in the crease of your chin- right below your lip, right above your chin. It's always a stud, because it can't be a ring anatomically.
from aqualimestar :
I am so sorry you had such a bad day :( Don't feel bad about borrowing money. The situation is not your fault at all, and you need things! I hope that tomorrow everything works out. ((hugs))
from ethereal-red :
Don'tcha just hate the government systems sometimes?! And I'm sorry about J.M. That's really sad. :(
from anainsight :
I understand 100% how hard it is to have to struggle with the bureaucracy. It is a nightmare that no one should have to go through. You don't deserve all this added stress on top of everything else. I am still thinking of you and sending you a big hug.
from xeison :
im sorry that today was such a bad day. Are you going to be ok financially?
from dvlsh1 :
I posted the other note b4 I read your update. hugs Im so sorry to hear somone you cared for passed away. Its ok to cry and feel the loss. hugs to you.
from dvlsh1 :
thanks for the note that would be cool. I have exercise tapes and such.. but part of its laziness and since having knee surgery its hard to do some of the stuff Id like to do..=( my email is devilishangel61401@yahoo.com.. hugs n thanks
from anainsight :
Hey listen, it's OK not to cry. My mom died May 15, 2006 and I have yet to shed a single tear for her. And she was my MOM. You don't need to feel guilty because you don't feel like crying. You feel how you feel and you're sorry that she's gone, so what do you have to feel guilty about? Feelings take time, that's what Linda keeps telling me. I am thinking of you. (((hugs)))
from femme-inine :
Thanks, anyway! I appreciate it.
from femme-inine :
As long as you have a credit card (it will be billed in US funds here and then you'll be billed at however that converts) and you can cash a check in American funds. Then, yes! You can. :) Thank you!
from xeison :
Maybe everyone does, but i cant find it, at least not now. i see, well i wouldnt be too hard on yourself for that, i know it was because you were angry, but still sometimes people need a break. Its part of being Human. You are allowed to have them every once in a while.
from xeison :
You dont have to thank me, you earned what i had said. May i ask what happened today? Is everything ok? Thank you for thinking im strong, that is really kind of you, but im not, i could never do what you did.
from aqualimestar :
I would definentilly consider adoption...It was just that I had my hopes so high, and it just hurts I guess. I have no problem with adoption, excepting that I have this insane biological ticking that is like a bomb! Thank you so much for you note :)
from xeison :
im glad that you were able to do the things that you did. The things you said you did take a lot of strength and determination to do and it is remarkable that you did them. You are quite a strong person.
from femme-inine :
Thanks for stopping by. :)
from xeison :
If i call the cops ill have to go through the Foster system, and everytime ive gone through that this happens, it wont stop. i would be a burden, it because im a burden that this always happens, i mess things up. And i really do screw up everything. You are right they are willing to help me, but they dont understand how much itll cost them, in every respect. i had read some of your past entries, and one of them said you were doing much better than last year, may i ask what you did? Also, i am glad that you are doing better than last year.
from aqualimestar :
Writer's block is awful. Best of luck with getting out your stories :)
from beautigirl :
Well I've been staying up quite late and not sleeping well.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. It blew me away. It's a lot to wrap my head around because I am absolutely not used to thinking about myself as being beautiful, either physically or on the inside. You are so sweet to tell me all this. I'm not so sure that I can believe it but I will try to take it to heart. As to one day whether or not a man might notice, well, I'll e-mail you about that part - I'm not sure how I'd feel about that. anyway. Please be thinking about me tomorrow around 10:00 a.m. eastern time, that's when I have my appointment with Linda and I'm so scared. I've been having such horrible bouts of depression, anxiety, anger and fear lately that it's almost unbearable. But I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get rid of the pain. That includes talking about it even though the prospect makes me physically ill. Like I said, I'll take your words with me. I'm sure they will help to sustain me. Thank you again and I send you a hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia, and Kika sends lots of little poodle kisses.
from beautigirl :
And what are you doing up this late missy?
from xeison :
Yes, i am back at my Foster parents home. i really wish i could take their offers, but how can i? From what i can tell, they were not doing so well financially until Angel joined them and now they are doing well, but if you add another person, will i end up over burdening them? Then there are the other burdens i place, i always mess things up and im a constant failure, i would be a burden in every regard. And then the other problem is that i would be a runaway. The police would come after me and what would i do then? i cant put them through all of that, its not fair to them, they have enough in their lives to deal with.
from xeison :
You have nothing to be sorry about it wasnt your fault. That was very kind of you to take the time to leave me a note. Thank you so much for caring.
from ethereal-red :
Do you know how proud of you I am? Very proud. Very.
from enurta :
Apology accepted :) I don't want to fight because I really like you. I'm just sensitive and when you wrote that I shouldn't waste peoples time I felt like, 'wtf am I wasting N's time? Annie's time? My mom's time? Maybe I should kill myself so I won't waste peoples time anymore'.
from enurta :
'All I'm saying is that if you don't want the help and are not willing to help yourself then don't waste peoples time.' God, are you always that judgmental? I'm not wasting peoples time. I need help, I need meds and therapy. I know that. I just feel sick of it sometimes....and I don't have to explain that to you, you don't even know me. Try to be nicer next time. You made me feel like shit. If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.
from anainsight :
I'm so glad you were able to have a civil and enjoyable chat with your dad. I think you presented yourself 100% like an adult, and it impressed him. See, the Radical Acceptance is paying off already. (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
Good job on practicing radical acceptance!
from anainsight :
Wow! Way to go! It looks like you went & bought Marsha Linehan's book and went through the entire book in one day. That's awesome, and I know you can do it if you just keep turning the mind (turning it over and over again). BTW, if you're curious about the book I can E-mail you the title and the ISBN number. peace!
from ungenderless :
Thank you sweetie! ^__^
from ethereal-red :
Radical Acceptance is hard, but very helpful. I practice it daily.
from anainsight :
Hey there, I was just wondering if something bad had happened which led to your rant, or if it was just a buildup of all the old stuff. I've been looking in my DBT manual for some things that might help you. peace!
from anainsight :
You know, you said that you needed to "move on". Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, you just can't bury the past, it always comes back to haunt you. In other words, you can't forget. There's a DBT skill, ethereal-red could probably tell you more about it but it's called "Radical Acceptance". It means totally and 100% accepting the situation (e.g. that you KNOW you can't change it) and going on with your life rather than let the situation hold on to you. It's "accepting in spite of". In spite of the fact that what your stepmom did was wrong, in spite of, in spite of... the spirit of this skill is that in embracing the (futility of) the situation, you can more effectively leave it behind you. It's kind of like the concept of forgiveness, although in a different way. The concept of forgiveness is that forgiveness is for YOU. Not for the other person, and forgiveness is not excusing the other person's behavior. Forgiveness is letting go and moving on (on your part). I think that Radical Acceptance is largely the same thing. Think about it - I'm going to e-mail you some more information about it.
from razor-vixen :
It's hard because you do care about them, and what they think of you matters. I am not sure how to go about not caring what your family thinks of you....it's a challenge alright. But I'm glad you're finding ways of coping, and not taking the other route.
from ethereal-red :
Hey... I don't hate you for writing that entry. It's important to vent, and you are entitled to your feelings no matter what!
from ethereal-red :
I care. Always have, always will.
from ethereal-red :
You're right. Social assistance does NOT pay much. Just enough to live off of, and that's about it. It really sucks. I'm just grateful that it's there for me, though, in the small amount that there is.
from aqualimestar :
Ugh, I know the guilt about asking parents for money. I used to have to ask my mom once in a while but then I got a couple of credit cards, which was probably a huge mistake. But our parents are supposed to help us out, until we get on our own feet :) Try not to feel bad about it! (((hugs)))
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your note. I'm not sure if I have my days and nights totally reversed or if I was just over-medicated. I'm beginning to perk up a little bit this morning, unlike the previous four days, so it's definitely better than it was.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. I'm glad I'm feeling better too. You and I are just like twins today. My check is late, too (actually it's a direct deposit). And I am having the exact same problem with one of my friendships - she doesn't treat me with respect and I just want to drop Rachel as a friend but I sit here silent because I hate confrontation so much that I just don't want to say the words. So I understand 100% how you feel. (((hugs)))
from ungenderless :
Who knows? I know that Wal is still intending on transitioning fully in the long run...but Wal is so unstable right now that I couldn't honestly tell you where his mind is anymore.
from all-time-urz :
i finally checked out your diary. i really like it! keep it up! :D
from ungenderless :
I just wanted to say thank you for the note; I appreciate your encouragement. BJ read it, too, and said that I have really nice friends.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks so much for your sweet note. I don't know what I would do without y'all in my life. I would love to "message" you (I assume you mean IM) but I don't know how to do that. But if you don't mind I'll stay in touch. It means a lot to me. (((hugs)))
from anainsight :
I don't want you to die. I want you to live and be yourself for you and not for your family. I tried for years to be what my mother wanted but I never could. All that I succeeded in doing was making myself miserable and what's worse, now she's dead and I STILL can't get past all the misery. You are so lucky to know who and what you are. Why do you keep going back to your family for more abuse? It isn't worth it. Please, just go ahead and do what I never could. Be happy with who and what you are. I know you can do it. (((hugs tightly)
from ethereal-red :
Thanks! :)
from aqualimestar :
I know what you mean... My grandmother had to remind my mom that tomorrow is my birthday. (((hugs))) Friends are the family God gave us to make up for our biological families.
from anainsight :
You are really lucky to have realized this early that it's your family causing you all the stress and depression. Mine came mostly from my parents, and now that they're both dead I can't confront them with it and move on. That's why I'm so tortured in my dreams lately - I'm trying to do it subconsciously. anyway. Thinking of you. peace!
from theturtle :
Guests who make you antsy and who whine a lot should be one-time guests. There are enough people like that in everyone's life who force their way in... don't invite them in a second time.
from anainsight :
Good for you - it's an easy habit to acquire and a hard one to break. I certainly do understand that you need your meds, though, and I don't want you to skimp on them. Just keep it in mind. I just went online to check my balances and right now I owe a little over $700 and it's going to take me months to pay it off. Wish me luck! (((hugs)))
from anainsight :
Hey there - Listen, just a piece of advice - don't get in the habit of putting things on a Visa. It seems like a wonderful idea at the time, until you have a balance you cannot pay, like I do right now. Then you're scrambling and deciding which bills to pay and which to not pay, and it sucks even worse than going without fabric softener. I'm not trying to preach to you, only to tell you that I know from my own experience that it's not a good idea. If it's a Visa Check card that debits directly out of your account, then that's a good thing, but if it's a credit card, then please be careful! It can rock your world and make you more depressed and anxious than ever. Me, as soon as I'm done paying off my Master Card I'm going to cut it up, then I'm going to lower the credit limit on my Visa so I can only go to a certain amount, then keep that on hand for emergencies only. Good luck to you, hun. I know what it's like to be short on cash, and if I were anywhere near you I would buy you a great big thing of laundry detergent and fabric softener sheets from Sam's club so you wouldn't run out. (((hugs)))
from ethereal-red :
Hey, thanks for that sweet comment on okcupid. I really appreciate it! :)
from theturtle :
yoyoyoyo... do NOT fuck around with your Effexor that way. You know as well as I do that when you miss a day, everything gets all zoomy and suddenly you get all your old symptoms crashing in on you 10X their old power. Take the drugs, and if you want to modify WHEN you take them during the day, do what we used to call "walking around the barrel," which is to advance the time (or retard it) by a couple of hours each day for a week until you are suddenly taking it at 8pm instead of 8am. Do not fark around with this stuff. Been there.
from anainsight :
I want to let you know that I know EXACTLY how that empty, unmotivated, sad, nonproductive feeling is. I experience it all the time and I don't ever know what to do when it hits. It hits at the strangest times and nothing I try ever makes it go away. I end up having to sit and be miserable till it does. Just don't give up, that's all I'm asking you, because eventually it does go away. Once we deal with all our demons from the past we can make it stop, or at least that's what my therapist has promised me. Hang in there and e-mail me if you need me; I know you have my e-mail address from back when you did my HTML. peace!
from idontpretend :
I'm making an entry. Maybe it'll help you understand.
from idontpretend :
Because it's not that simple
from ethereal-red :
You deserve only the best for your friends. I feel priveleged to be one of them, even though we have never met and most likely never will. Dump the people who make you feel like shit! They aren't worth your awesomeness!!!
from idontpretend :
Oh, and if I sounded happy in those entries, I apologize, because I wasn't. It was all a mask, a facade. I was miserable and heartbroken, only more capable of hiding it, of pretending that I was ok. :(
from idontpretend :
That's kool you found one you like. As for Julia, the problem was that she wasn't telling me her point of view. She wasn't talking to me at all about what happened, for the most part. Trying to get information out of her is like pulling teeth. Which is something I can deal with, I just can't deal with losing her. She talked to me tonight, and I think I finally understand. And that understanding hasn't brought me peace. I feel a little less crazy, but there will never be peace for me.
from idontpretend :
Of course my depression has worsened. It's never been this bad. :( And not only can I not afford a counselor, they're useless. I've been to counselors before. And the problem with Julia isn't that I'm not confident in myself. It's something else entirely. She made assumptions about me, without taking into account what she was doing to me. It's very difficult to get people to look at themselves and admit that they did anything wrong, or anything to hurt you. As for warcraft, I don't know of any free games you could try. I've heard of other games, but they never kept my interest, and I don't even remember the names. Sorries.
from adept :
Well, it won't take any new code in older entries, nor acknowledge archiving. Other than that, my spartan template serves its purpose.
from idontpretend :
Hey, I'm sorry. I've been really horrible at keeping up with people. :( You can go to worldofwarcraft.com to check it out. I THINK you can download the game, but it's better if you buy it in the store, because then you have your disks and everything. I guess, heh. You can read up on the game at the site. They have beginner's guides and everything too. It's a kool game, if you really are interested in checking it out. :D
from adept :
Well, without your furvent help, I would have no assistance. I'll take what I can get.
from adept :
Well, without your furvent help, I would have no assistance. I'll take what I can get.
from adept :
Yes, I'm part of a very old problem, apparently. I attempted the repair required, but the old fix they constructed is no longer functional. Implementing that fix defaulted my profile without warning, and my backup apparently killed my pictures. Technical support ignores my frantic cries for aid. No matter what I import to the page, nothing appears on the other side. For the moment, the journal is fuctional. If you want to read from the beginning in rational order, the first entry is http://adept.diaryland.com/020411_86.html and you can record your progress as you continue through banal after banal entry from the deep past. Be warned, I have used this journal for a very long time and grown with it so allow for a certain...elemental development as I continue. I am flattered by your interest, and hope you manage to get your fill of me.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for the sweet note. I need every one of those hugs. I just got lectured by my so-called friend Martha, who, instead of simply saying, "I hope you feel better soon," proceeded to lay into me and tell me that I needed to be thankful for this and for that and for this and for that. Obviously she doesn't understand anything about what she's talking about. I can't wait until tomorrow is here. That means today will be over.
from ethereal-red :
It's been two days. All of Saturday, all of today. Thanks for the support. :) And I added the previous and next links- they're under the title of the entry.
from purplebanana :
It explains in the new diary why I am locking this one. I don't know if I will come back.
from anainsight :
Thanks, it worked! (((hugs)))
from anainsight :
Hey there, my wonderful HTML editor. I don't know if you saw my last entry, but I wanted to put a link in there to that video, but all that came up was the address. How do I do that? Thanks!!!
from ungenderless :
Well that really sucks that she was treating you that way. The financial argument was bad enough, but provoking such gender dysphoria is simply unexusable! You don't need to be treated like that.
from purplebanana :
I've got a new blog and wanted to tell you about it, as I didn't want to lose touch. If you want the address, email!
from beautigirl :
That’s very unfortunate that they wouldn’t budge. I’m glad you finally got to see that side of her. That’s why when I was in Brantford I would avoid going out with her. She expects people to do everything for her. She throws away your ticket then wants you to pay for her meal.Yeah okay, that’s going too far. I hope she can realize the error of her ways before she loses you as a friend.
from ethereal-red :
I checked out wikipedia and looked up "intersex". I learned a ton of stuff that I never knew before...
from ethereal-red :
I think pansexual fits quite well. :) I never even considered that option. Just talked to Cory for a half-hour and he is a total sweetheart.
from ethereal-red :
Hope you feel better!
from beautigirl :
I still think it’s messed though because they know you purchased a ticket and it’s obvious you couldn’t have used it because it was one-way only. I suppose you didn’t have the receipt either? If it was me, I would fight for the money back from whoever stole the ticket, and the company because they know you hadn't used it.
from beautigirl :
Wow Em, that’s messed! I thought she would have known the bus schedule better than that. That was also quite rude of her to throw your ticket away. But I don’t understand why Via wouldn’t reimburse you. I’m not surprised about the bus though.They aren’t well maintained and they use them until they are completely runned down. I find them very noisy. Glad you got to the res safely and that’s what counts.
from purplebanana :
eggwhite.diaryland.com One of the many.
from all-time-urz :
hey, thanks for the comment. and my love life is beginning to improve, but thanks anyways. ttyl
from ethereal-red :
I believe you are right. I'm not like how I was raised to be, and that's okay with me. May not be okay with my mom and dad, but whatever. I know I am not "rebelling" just because I have different beliefs and different sexual orientation- and piercings and a tattoo. None of those things were rebellious. None of them. People put other people in a box and I think that's wrong. People should be free to be who they are; and others should accept that. If only it was a perfect world, eh?
from dvlsh1 :
hey sweetie. I say be true to yourself whoever that may be. I agree with you, society wants to fit everything into neat little packages and no one I know fits into those little packages. If we were all one -dimensional then we'd be cartoon characters n not ppl. Nothing is wrong with your sexual orientation or identity, and I sure don't act the way I was raised, and if I did Id be a lonely miserable human being. lots of hugs n sisterly love to you have a good day
from ungenderless :
Sorry, but I suck at HTML. I copied someone else's HTML to make my site, and just added my own pics and stuff. But from what you describe, I think you can just make a picture like that and stick it on your diary.
from adept :
hmm...my notes have not been alerting me either. My older entries are in disrepair, any assitance would be helpful, (innately I suppose)
from ungenderless :
I love this entry! It's so insightful and thought-provoking. I definitely agree with not buying that things are wrong just because something or someone says so. Each individual makes up their own mind as to what is right or wrong; even Christians. If they didn't, there would be so many religions all based on the same book!
from liquid-mojo :
you can try this tutorial: http://www.htmlgoodies.com/beyond/dhtml/article.php/3470651 Or you can do a google search for dhtml page transitions for alternate information sources. hope that helps. :)
from liquid-mojo :
If you know a bit of HTML it's fairly simple. Somewhere between the <head></head> tags of your main template you want to put in these two meta tags: <meta http-equiv="Page-Enter" CONTENT="blendTrans(duration=2)" > <meta http-equiv="Page-Exit" content="blendTrans(duration=2)" > Note that the fade effect will only work when your page is viewed Internet Explorer and not Firefox, Safari, etc.
from flicka :
Hey thanks. I am reading Judith Butler's Gender Trouble. I noticed it was one of your favorite books--cool; I've never seen anyone list that as one of their favorites. I like M. Foucault too.
from ethereal-red :
Thank you! :) I should pick me up some lesbian porn. I'm into erotic fiction myself (ungenderless's stuff is HOT!) but I've never tried porn. I'd just have to hide the DVD from my guests when they come over. ;)
from idontpretend :
It's the gf of one of the guys from work, and nothing's happened as of yet. I haven't even hung out with them outside of work yet. They have my number, but never call. *shrugs* I'm used to people letting me down though, sigh.
from ungenderless :
Yes, that's exactly who the slang term is referring to. Interesting point about Pattie being a transgender because her friend always referred to her as "sir".
from anainsight :
Hey there, happy birthday Canada! It's a long time since I've had a Canadian friend :) peace!
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. (((hugs))) I just tend to take society's attitude that because I am large I'm ugly. Men never give me a second glance, and all the fashion magazines seem to reinforce that. My father once told me to my face that I was "the fattest, ugliest thing he had ever seen" (this was more than 20 years ago but it still hurts). anyway. So you see, I'm probably not the best judge of my own attractiveness. I think all this girly stuff I'm doing right now may be because I want to be more attractive? I don't know. I'll have to see how it goes today. Have a great day, I'm glad you had such a productive day yesterday. peace!
from theturtle :
Here's a solution to your computer problems: http://www.apple.com
from anainsight :
LOL, I wish I could have you be a nice voice on the other end of the phone! seriously - I am so, so sick of listening to Rachel bitch. She uses the nastiest, ugliest tone of voice you ever DON'T want to hear. anyway. Be good and peace!
from theturtle :
Nope, not bipolar, though my fiancee is. She takes Adderal and Abilify as well as Effexor, they keep playing with the doses but since she stopped smoking she's actually been in great shape. Ambien is a sleep aid of the same family as Rohypnol (roofies)... that should give you some idea of how weird it is. Problem is, Ambien in conjunction with SSRIs can be a real problem, even with very moderate alcohol... even a glass of wine can cause things to go wacky. As far as DL, you are right, DL is a little low-budget, but I've liked it all these years and I know Andrew basically runs this out of his own pocket, no annoying Google ads and stuff usually. I pay my Gold membership and usually buy extra banner ads just to help out. Still, I find myself letting this site lag behind the blogs I write on my own server just because the software is so much better on my own host. And you are right, there's almost no promotion of DL outside... well... DL itself. Sorta like when your cable company runs ads on cable-only channels to get you to buy cable that you already have.
from theturtle :
It's just that with dark text against the complex detail of the image, the text in front of the image is hard to make out. As far as adjusting it, you could move the background image to the side, or fade it some in a tool like Gimp or Photoshop.
from theturtle :
Dang, that background pic makes the first two paragraphs of your entries hard to read!
from suta :
I am doing well. Sorry for the late answer. How have you been doing lately? I painted my hair blue and orange ^^
from anainsight :
I think you have to weigh it - which is the bigger burden, the thought that they MIGHT be hurt if you went away, or the hurt that they have caused you in the past and are still causing you now. It sounds like a simple answer, but it's not. I have faith in you that you will get the answers that you need. peace!
from anainsight :
I don't think it makes you a bad person. I put up with all sorts of major, major crap from my family until after my mom died. After that I just took the attitude that I was free to do as I pleased, and surprisingly enough, the relationships became better, not worse. I think you have to be happy with and for yourself first of all. I wish someone had told me that a long time ago. peace!
from dvlsh1 :
Im glad you feel a bit better today. Have you thought about seeing if there are any support groups in your area like gladd I think they are called.. for gays, lesbein, transgender individuals? Maybe you wouldn't feel so alone then? My family doesn't accept me either, not the way that they should, but a good freind told me.. freinds are the family you pick for yourself. Surround yourself with ppl that love you for you, that will support you for who you are on the inside not for what you look like on the outside. I think just from reading your blog that you are one of the bravest, toughest, ppl Ive ever known. You're a fighter, hang in there sweetie.
from anainsight :
I'm glad you updated. I'm glad you're doing better. Be strong for you and your friends will follow. I'm telling you this because I didn't, and my friends didn't, and now I have very few friends. I didn't realize how much I was giving up to my illness. I lost my best friend because she couldn't stand it any longer. Please keep on going for you. I am thinking of you. peace!
from anainsight :
Just remember, it's often darkest before the dawn. Don't give up now when you're so close to your own breakthrough. Sending good thoughts and hugs to you from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
Hey... I'm sorry you're feeling so low. You can make it through this. Please don't kill yourself.
from idontpretend :
I'm sorry your family sucks so much. It sounds like they treat you as poorly as mine treats me, just for different reasons. We're both the 'black sheep', even though they're no better than we are. I feel for your situation. Just keep on keepin' on, and do well in school, and make a life for yourself that isn't influenced or controlled by them.
from ethereal-red :
I support you in telling your family no matter how you choose to do it. Go ahead and shove it in their faces if you want! Seems like they'll freak no matter what, so do whatever makes you feel empowered (within reason, of course). I know you'll do it with respect, both for them and for yourself. I disrespected myself by telling my parents I was straight... and I'm gonna have to fix that eventually. I dread the day I do it.
from wendell77 :
Hey, thanks for your nice comments! Have a great Friday!
from idontpretend :
:(
from enurta :
I think you misunderstood me. Monster isn’t staying with us – he is staying with my mom. He doesn’t live in Sweden anymore, he only comes to visit once or twice every year. He doesn’t know that I speak to my mom. If he knew, he would make my mom and sister move away. He has disowned me. He molested me my entire childhood and he used to beat me every day. And *he* has disowned *me*. Life is ironic.
from anainsight :
see, isn't that a great song? I knew you would groove on it.
from dragprincess :
i was just thinking about that song yesterday...when i was first coming out, about 11 years ago, that was the song that represented everything i felt about proclaiming who i was, even if it wasn't right for them, it was right for me.
from idontpretend :
It's not just Julia. It's everything, it's my entire life. Irene is a bitch, you have no idea. She really would let me end up on the streets. She's done it before. :( I doubt I'd ever actually do it, but I'm glad I didn't have a gun in my possession tonight....
from omniscia :
Thanks for the good wishes, Emily! :D
from anainsight :
Hey listen, if you don't have the song "Elsewhere" by Sarah McLachlan, go download it and listen to it. I was just listening to it and it sounded like it was something that would do you good to hear. Let me know if you get it and what you think of it. Good luck! peace!
from ethereal-red :
Now *that* is one of the reasons I am super hesitant to tell my mom and dad that I am a lesbian (for sure this time...). The arguments. I'm sorry your mother is so homophobic. :(
from orgami :
wow arguing with a parent is a drag my mother used to just get into fights with me a lot about not having children so she could have a grand kid and we are all heteros and she still ripped some of our partners my girlfreinds mother was a peice of work also she said that at nine she was pushing a shopping cart from the local grocery store home up a steep hill for her mother that was in Kitchener I know where Barrie is and Newmarket has the sweetest old time train station anyway i grew up with lots of people who were gay and i spent almost a year at this little shop with gay people and you are true you can still have children like this is North Bay and we have a lot of gay people Maybe there are lots in every place its just not out in the open for reasons like your mother and so many others well sorry to read your D land Diary and hear about this but im glad you are making decisions for yourself Maybe working for a year wont be so bad before school well just thought i would drop a note im just kicking around D Land tonight stopping by here and there ..O..
from razor-vixen :
Hey, if you have to work for a year, then do it. Who will pay for school? If your parents won't, then you have to work, right? And I know the area of the 519, my school was just north of it (I walked past there every day). It is definitely safe in the daytime (maybe not so much at night). Anyhow, you have to do what's best for your life. And if they're not going to help you, then maybe you have to work & save some money.
from anainsight :
Way to go! You go gurl. She's right. Just live your life and be happy, and enjoy that year off before university.
from anainsight :
Have you ever thought about dealing with their homophobia head-on, just by calmly saying something to the effect that this is the way you are, and it's their choice whether to accept it or not but it is a closed subject as far as you're concerned. What does the counselor advise you to do? Homophobia is such an insidious disease, and so many people are infected with it. Good luck and keep on keeping on!
from ungenderless :
Well silly, if you said "just as friends", and she said "if that's what you want", then I think that means she would be willing to do more, should you want it. I'm pretty sure she was flirting with you there.
from idontpretend :
Even when I miss her so much I hurt? When I'm so afraid she'll just stop talking to me again? Sigh. The possibility she really will never come back kills me.
from minstrelite :
Great entry, Emily! I was long ago told (and later on found out for myself) that the people who give of themselves are happier than the people who mostly only take. I know you're one of those people, and that's why the offering of yourself (your knowledge and your heart) was such a joy to you. Thanks for the great read, and keep it up.
from polly-esther :
Hey, thanks. I meant to leave you a note last week -- I quit the PI job sort of in the heat of the moment during a "discussion" with my boss. It was the right move.
from ethereal-red :
Sorry you had such a rough time with Chelsea this weekend. :( I hate asking my mom and dad for money, too.
from ungenderless :
Oh thank you! I will definitely show him this. ^__^
from ungenderless :
That's ok. And thank you for talking with me about it. BJ and I have been discussing it was you and I have been corresponding. She says that it's nice to have an outside perspective from someone who has been following my entries.
from ungenderless :
No. Absolutely not. Every person's feelings are just as valid as the other's. We can't just put one person's feelings aside for the sake of another's. Things were balanced before; if one person tips the scales, the others have a right to react to it.
from ungenderless :
This is a very good question, and got me to thinking about our relationship from a new perspective. To answer your question, when BJ would just come on the weekends, things were more balanced and light-hearted. They both loved me, and I loved them. They enjoyed each other's presence though, and had a lot of fun with each other. So I guess when Wal wasn't "in love" with BJ their feelings for each other were on the same level and therefore it worked.
from ungenderless :
That's one of the main problems; Wal feels that he has fallen in love with BJ, but BJ doesn't feel the same about him.BJ used to feel that they had a "friends with benefits" kind of relationship, but ever since Wal admitted that he felt the same way for BJ that he did for another girl whom he stalked, BJ feels uncomfortable being intimate with Wal. So things are very imbalanced right now.
from ungenderless :
Thanks for the note sweetie. Yes, Wal is my wife, and things are extremely complex between us right now, unfortunately.
from idontpretend :
Tell her that. :(
from angel-scar :
Yes i took a shower when i got home i couldn't stand tha smell lol It's all good. Zhackary's adorable and it's not the first time it's happened to me. Terry has done that b4
from suta :
Yeah that's ok. How are you doing?
from anainsight :
Way to go! You keep your integrity and you keep your truth. I admire you a lot and hope it all goes well. (((hugs)))
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your note. I think you've got it just exactly right about not going back into the same situation. You'll have to decide whether the birthday party constitutes the same situation. I guess what I was mainly trying to say is, even if you do go, don't keep bringing up the subject. That's kind of like poking at a sore - if you keep at it, it won't ever heal. You don't have to get into any discussions with your stepmom if you don't want to. And if you decide you don't want to go, then that's fine too. You are not a bad daughter. In fact, if you didn't go, it might be a chance for you to assert yourself and your freedom of choice/association. Does that make any sense? Just don't beat up on yourself about it anymore. If you do that, you are punishing yourself for somebody else's sins. Sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia. peace!
from anainsight :
Forgiveness is for you, not for them. It's letting go of the past so you can live freely and happily. Forgiveness is NOT an acknowledgement that somehow you deserved the abuse, nor is it caving in to their denial and playing along. I think you are doing a beautiful job. It's just that you are never going to get the satisfaction you deserve and crave from them, so it's obviously time for you to move on. Like I said, forgiveness is not about you "turning the other cheek" to her abuse. It's about you getting free from their influence. As long as you wait around trying to get satisfaction from them, the longer you will be disappointed and getting more and more tangled in the past. Don't go to that surprise birthday party, and speak your truth honestly and respectfully. Don't back down from your standards. Just let go of the whole situation and I think in the long run you will be a lot better off. I know I'm rambling but I think you get my general drift. Good luck! I'm sending good thoughts your way and if I were not all the way down in Georgia I would give you a hug.
from idontpretend :
You made the right decision with Ashley. I'm so in love with Julia, I can't even handle being her friend. Being her friend would not only be torture to me, even more torture than what I'm going through now, but, in my mind, it would validate what she did to me, and make what she did ok. Sigh. But being in a relationship with someone that you have feelings for like that, is a terrible thing to experience. I went through that with Julia. I was madly in love with her, and she was seeing other guys left and right, and it sucked, really bad. And if you want a casual relationship, no, that hardly makes you a whore. I'd be so happy with a casual relationship right now. I'm not ready for anything serious, and probably won't be for quite awhile. I just want someone to share my nights with, to be able to hold and cuddle with, spend time with, and maybe even go out and do stuff with. I'd be so happy with that right now.
from idontpretend :
Thank you for your comment on my poetry. Comments like that make me feel SO incredibly good. I would so love to be published, but I don't know how to go about it. I would love it if people out there read my work, and connected with it like you and other people seem to connect with it. :)
from anainsight :
OK, just BREATHE. Don't let that awful feeling in your chest get the better of you. Just think about something or some place that makes you happy, and go there. I have to deal with this type of stuff all the time so I know what I'm talking about. Sending out good thoughts to you! (((hugs)))
from idontpretend :
I missed something. Your first time for what?
from idontpretend :
If someone, like say Jenna, is using you, then stop letting them. If Julia were to call me, and tell me she wanted to come back, I'd be more than willing to let her. But only if she could prove to me that I could trust her, that the lies would end, that she would be capable of being honest and faithful. That she would trust me, instead of living in fear. The heart wants what it wants, but sometimes we have to reign in the heart, in order to protect it. :(
from ethereal-red :
YOU ARE NOT A WHORE. Open, casual dating relationships are very common, especially among people our age. I say go for it!
from ungenderless :
I think that you are doing the right thing. All that matters is how you feel about it. You're human and you have needs, and there's nothing wrong with what you are doing because you are being honest about it.
from ethereal-red :
Well, the thing with the 24-hour rule is that it's supposed to break the association between self-injury and automatic help. It's supposed to stop, or at least discourage, the behavioral cry-out-for-help that is self-injury. The idea is to call *before* the self-injury occured, but last night, that wasn't an option when I attempted suicide because of the 24-hour rule that was in effect from the night before when I cut. My case manager, Kellie, is going to email my therapist and see if there is any way to get around this horrid, but understandable, 24-hour rule. I sure hope there is.
from ethereal-red :
As you can see in my latest entry, I am not in the hospital. My doctor did not want it to be so, and I am grateful for that. Thanks for your kind words.
from idontpretend :
Ty. :) I'd love to get together with Barbara, but I don't know if it'll ever happen. I'm trying not to stress it, because just the possibility that she might be interested in me is stressful and scary enough, without wondering if anything might/could happen. Hopefully I'll find out soon though, if she is or not, just so I can stop stressin' it, either way, heh.
from ungenderless :
Hey you, thanks for the comments in my notes. ^__^ To answer your questions, yes those are all my songs, and I'm really glad that you enjoy them. And those photos are NOT of us (I WISH I looked like that, lol), but of a lesbians threesome that I found on the net. I searched far and wide for just the right one.
from ethereal-red :
Thank you. It's the 24-hour-no-contact-rule-after-self-injury with Jenny that really kills me. It makes me feel so alone. I hate that rule, but it's part of the DBT protocol, so it must be followed. It's just rough.
from anainsight :
Hey, way to go! That's so cool. I'm a little bit jealous but at the same time I'm very glad for you. That's awesome! peace!
from minstrelite :
CONGRATULATIONS!! I know I just congratted you on the chat thing, but I wanted to make it official. Congrats!
from omniscia :
Hi Emily. Yep, thanks, if you could delete that note I sent, it's probably a good idea. Take care. -Keri
from razor-vixen :
Good luck with the interview!
from ethereal-red :
Best of luck!
from anainsight :
Hey, way to go! I don't have a job right now, my therapist told me it was too early, but I know how frustrating it is not to have one. I wish you the best of luck on Monday. Why don't you update your resume to include that high-school tutoring? That sounds like a good thing to have on your resume. I tutored in college, or at least I started tutoring junior year, but unfortunately I got meningitis in October and never was able to finish out the year. It's too bad, too, because that would have been a great thing to have on my resume. Good luck at the party tomorrow!
from anainsight :
Hey, go take a look at my layout - I figured out how to change "Last/Next" at the bottom of the page to "Dreaming/Awake". Clever of me, huh? Don't worry so much about fighting with your mom. My mom's been dead a year now and I'm still dealing with how much we used to fight. I feel guilty about it and at the same time I miss her like everything. I'm sure your mom loves you, she just probably doesn't understand you. It's a generational thing, I think. Be glad you still have her to fight with. Hope you get through your weekend okay. I'll be thinking of you. peace!
from green-kiwis :
I found that my teenage cousin now wants me around more because she feels I'm a good spot for advice and support... :)
from ethereal-red :
I hate bills. I am in some money trouble now- really low on cash with rent still to pay *and* groceries to buy. I'm super anxious.
from brightxxeyez :
Thanks for your message , I've ben so busy that I just havent had a chance to view or update my diary . I've looked over your diary and I really like your style of writting and the creativety of your page . I'll look forward to more of your posts .
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your note. The way to get and maintain a decent sleep schedule is to get up and eat and do something no matter how drugged you still are when your alarm goes off. Get up at the same time every day. And go to sleep at the same time every night until you are in the habit of getting up. Good luck!
from anainsight :
I did it! I fixed it! I feel like a genius! I've learned so much! Thank you!
from anainsight :
OK, I changed the e-mail thing but there is only one problem it has left two little grey lines between Notes and Extras where all the others have only one grey line. Let me think about the guest book and extras thing and I will e-mail you shortly. I haven't changed the archive yet but I will as soon as we get the e-mail thing taken care of. I will go give it another look.
from ethereal-red :
You did a wonderful job with anainsight's template. It looks beautiful!
from anainsight :
Wonderful! The only thing I don't want showing is where it says "E-mail" across the top of the page, can you get rid of that? I don't want people e-mailing me.
from anainsight :
OK, you can go and look at it now, I did it again and it did exactly the same thing.
from anainsight :
Oh, I'm so sorry you spent all that time. It didn't work! I did everything you said exactly like you said to do it. The image didn't show up at all, and a bunch of little boxes with x's in them showed up all over the page. I feel terrible that you took all that time and it doesn't work. I should have known it wouldn't take because I don't have a paid account. Drat, drat, double drat! I've saved the e-mail you sent me with all of the instructions and the code in there until I can manage to get a gold account. Thanks so much for trying though! I wish I could pay you for your trouble. Again, I'm really, really sorry. peace!
from anainsight :
Hey there, just leave the whole thing as is. Like I said, I didn't even bother to look at it before; I didn't realize it had a whole color scheme of its own. I like it. Just leave the whole thing as is. Thanks!
from minstrelite :
I'm wondering if Effexor is the right med for you. By the way, the reason I wasn't getting notifications of your updates was that I'd spelled your D-Land name wrong. So in this case, it was my bad, not D-Land's.
from minstrelite :
I'm wondering if Effexor is the right med for you. By the way, the reason I wasn't getting notifications of your updates was that I'd spelled your D-Land name wrong. So in this case, it was my bad, not D-Land's.
from anainsight :
LOL, it's 4 AM where I live, too (Georgia). I'm tired too. I didn't realize that the template already has the fields across the top; I didn't look at it that closely. Why don't you just try downloading it as is and I'll use whatever the default font and font color is for the layout. No wonder it's so complicated; I didn't look at it closely enough to start with. I bet it will be just fine. I'll figure out a way to give you credit for helping me tweak my design but I think that the girl (Gwen) who designed these needs to be given credit too. I'm going to go to bed now myself; my little toy poodle will be pipping for breakfast in a couple of hours. Send me a note or e-mail me when it's time for me to take the next step; I'll be in & out all day tomorrow. TGIF! peace!
from anainsight :
OK, I'll just leave them there. BTW, in my opinion, it really can't be the Effexor that is messing up your sleep. The reason I don't think so is that I took Effexor for about four years and it really zips you up, if you know what I mean. You might suggest to your doctor that he/she combine it with an anti-anxiety drug called Buspar; that helped me to get my sleep schedule regulated. I took that combo for about four years, then I had to change because it bit me, so to speak. I find I have to change every so often to stay on an even keel. I am so proud of you, that you are going to be working soon! You're very lucky to have a job; I don't have one but my therapist says no, not yet. But I'm working on it. anyway. Thanks for everything. peace!
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your note. I sent you an e-mail with some info about the layout I found that I liked. My question now is: Would you like me to delete your two previous notes off my page that you have sent me, that have your e-mail address in them? I don't want you to get spammed. Just drop me a note and I'll delete them. peace!
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. I'm sorry if I didn't respond to your earlier notes, I just don't understand so many things you said. I don't understand about using messenger, and I don't understand about hosting images, and I don't understand about what you meant by "send me the html". I don't know anything about html. If I should go to one of those template sites and find one I like, I'd like to make it show up on my page, but I don't even know how to do that. I think that's where the html comes in. And I have been so stressed for the last few days, ever since I came home from the beach, it seems like everything's going wrong. I don't want to have to fix anything else in my house. anyway. After I finish this recording and concert week (I'm a musician), I'll try to go to some of the sites you suggested and see if anything interests me, and if I find one I'll e-mail you. OK? Thanks a whole bunch. peace!
from beautigirl :
Is it official between you and Ashley? Or were you just saying that to that guy to get him off your back?
from misspinkkate :
Thanks so much for stopping by!
from ethereal-red :
Oh, hey, no problem. I knew you know some HTML, and that your layouts rock, so I referred her to you.
from ethereal-red :
WHAT A CREEP!
from ethereal-red :
Hey, I'm so glad that things are working out between you and Ashley, and that you had a good weekend! I hope that there's chemistry between you two when you meet!
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your recommendations about the template sites. I'll go check them out but I don't think I even understand enough about html to use them. I didn't even understand your first post! (duhhhh) I'm not stupid though, just I wasn't born at the right time. When I was in school, we had ONE computer and it was in the math teacher's room, and we weren't allowed to even so much as touch it. So I just don't know what I need to. But I'll go check it out ASAP. Thanks again!
from anainsight :
hi, thanks for adding me! I have a question to ask you - do you do page design? During the recent week-long blockage of "free" members from updating their diaries, I found myself contemplating being a gold member. But I don't know ANYTHING about html and I don't have a digital camera, and I don't know anything about making my page look different. That's why I didn't become a gold member, because what would have been the point? My diary still would have looked the same. But ethereal red told me that I should ask you, that you were really, really good at it. Do you have any suggestions for me? I don't have a myspace page because of this same reason. Just wondering. Thanks and peace!
from ungenderless :
Thank you for the informative comment. Wal has used a back brace for a chest binder, but I recently directed him to a website which contains much more efficient chest binders.
from idontpretend :
Yeah, something like that. It irritates the crap out of me, when overly-optimistic, or jaded, cynical types, claim to be realistic, and yet they blatantly ignore one extreme or the other. Realists are just that, they take all of reality into account. Not just the bad, not just the good. If I'm happy, then I'm happy. If I'm not, then I'm not. I don't try to pretend to be either or, unless I am. Sometimes I catch myself though, trying to act happy, when I'm just the opposite....
from ohjamie :
Thanks a lot :) The lakeshore campus is the closest to where I live, so I'll definitely be there. Hopefully, I'll see you there!
from ethereal-red :
That sucks that you're still sick. I hate throwing up and explosive diarrhea. :( And I'm so sorry that you are losing Joya. That really sucks that she's leaving. Will you be finding another therapist?
from painted-eyes :
Hey, how have you been, sweetheart? It's been a while.
from ungenderless :
Well that's really cool though. Good friendships are just as important as romantic relationships. I'm glad that you had a good night.
from ethereal-red :
I'm glad it went well. :)
from idontpretend :
Yeah, I've done the online thing. I'm actually starting to get sick of trying to meet people online. I need to find someplace I can meet people in the flesh.
from idontpretend :
Glad your date went well, even if you're only going to be friends. I wish I could at least find someone to hang out with. I have 0 friends here. Every friend I have is online, and so far away. It sucks. I'd be so happy just to have a friend right now, that I could see and touch and do things with, instead of just talk to.
from ethereal-red :
I am glad things are looking up, finally. :) And it's great that your dad sent you a pleasant email, even though it wasn't related to the letter. Hope your date went well!
from idontpretend :
I'm glad your day turned out to be such a good one. I hope your date goes/went well.
from dvlsh1 :
Wow your letter to me entry is so powerful! I really love that. blessings to you. maria
from purplebanana :
I'm so sorry you haven't heard back from your dad. I once sent a letter (http://www.msu.edu/~mayaliso/j70.htm) and I never heard back, either. Maybe things will turn out differently for you. I wish you all the best, a thousand times.
from ethereal-red :
Did you hear?! The VA finally has accepted the pentacle as an approved symbol of Wiccan belief. This has taken over 9 years of fighting the government and finally it was resolved in our favor. Yay!
from purplebanana :
You know the entry for you wasn't the one with the video on it, right? It was the one about how reading your diary made me feel. It's a few back now, about being gay.
from ethereal-red :
I am SO proud of you for writing that letter. I hope that they receive it well.
from dragprincess :
What are you looking for specifically? I work for an LGBT youth organization, so we might have something you want/need.
from idontpretend :
Wow, I just read your letter, and right on. A couple of months ago, I finally said it to my mom. She was acting like her old self, and I told her that she had abused me her entire life, and, of course, she denied it. I think she's been thinking about what I said, but I don't know how much it's going to effect things in the long run. She does seem to be a little more tolerant of the fact that I don't agree with her all the time. I dunno. But your letter was right on. My suggestion, is don't go back, unless/until your father and stepmother make some very serious changes in how they treat you. You deserve far better, and you have every right to stand up for yourself.
from idontpretend :
Thank you...
from ethereal-red :
Good for you for standing up for yourself! I am proud of you. Good luck talking to them. :)
from dvlsh1 :
in response to your note.. no it doesn't make you a bad person, doing what you need to do to keep yourself happy and sane means that you have love and respect for yourself. there's nothing wrong in that and dont let anyone tell you otherwise.. =) have a good day
from dvlsh1 :
hugs good for you for standing up for yourself. You are right no one deserves to be treated badly. I dont see my family at all, they want me they can drive the 3 hours to see me. Its 3 hours for me too and I only can stomach visiting for funerals and weddings. My family makes me insane, and I dont deserve anyone yelling at me, or making me feel like everything about me is wrong. It will be hard at times yes, but in the long run you will feel better. You are an amazing person and dont you forget it =)
from purplebanana :
I am thinking of you. And I would wish that the next time you felt a break in your despair, you got rid of everything you want to overdose on. My latest entry is dedicated to you. You are more brave and beautiful than you imagine, and this just happens to be a really hard time.
from idontpretend :
That's what I did, when I joined the Navy, was enable myself to stand on my own. I was away for 3 and a half years, and it was great being on my own like that, without having to fight the pressure to conform to my families beliefs.
from dvlsh1 :
oh sweetie.. please dont allow yourself to get enough pills to kill yourself.. dont even think that way.. I know depression's awful, I used to be so depressed I couldnt get out of bed to shower or take care of myself let alone take care of my kids. I couldnt do anything but think about death. It took the dr changing my meds a lot of times to find the ones that worked right and kept me from feeling that way. It can and will get better. my inbox is always open to you.. devilishangel61401@yahoo.com Im not a shrink but Ive been in your shoes. I'll keep you in my prayers.. love n hugs maria
from idontpretend :
Thank you for your note. With so many people talking shit in their comments (I've deleted quite a few, and ip banned the authors, people probably don't know that), I didn't realize anyone wanted me to stay, or would miss me that much. I really am glad you're out of your depression. I'm battling my own right now. I don't spend all day in bed though. I just play alot of WoW. It helps keep at bay the feeling that my life is completely empty and useless.
from idontpretend :
I love the new layout. I'm glad you've pulled out of your depression. I know how much depression sucks. I've struggled with it alot in my life. So many people do. I hope things go well with Ashley. It helps so much having someone special in your life.
from ethereal-red :
Well, it's been beautiful here, so I don't know what's up. It's gotta be my meds. Nothing else Jenny or I can think of can be causing this depressive spell. I see Dr. Richardson tomorrow. We'll figure something out.
from dvlsh1 :
hugs I know all too well about that black hole of depression. Ppl don't always understand that for some of us its hard to be happy all of the time, that even though we'd love to be happy all day everyday that sometimes its not possible. I had to go the hospital with a nervous breakdown to find out I had bi-polar, my depression used to be so bad I couldnt get out of bed at all. I am glad you're not cutting, I used to cut too and it never made me feel better long term. Maybe talking to your dr about getting on or changing meds? maybe therapy.. both have helped me a lot. my inbox is always open to you.. devilishangel61401@yahoo.com.. i'll pray for you lots of hugs maria
from ethereal-red :
Congrats. :)
from ethereal-red :
Good luck with Ashley!
from ungenderless :
OMG You know who Assemblage 23 is!!! That's so cool! (Not to mention rare, lol)
from ungenderless :
Oh ok. No, I didn't realize that about Jenna, thanks for telling me.
from ungenderless :
I am so totally with you on the whole craving vagina thing. ^__~
from idontpretend :
I don't know, I don't think they ever will. They need to be in control of other people's lives too much, to ever learn.
from idontpretend :
Glad you had a good day.
from idontpretend :
Wow, it sounds like your dad and stepmom really rather suck. I have a pretty good understanding of what you're going through. And if your stepmom ever raises a hand to you again, knock her on her ass. If someone is slapping your around or something, you have every right to stand up for yourself. My gawd, how do people justify something like that? You definitely need to separate yourself from them. Get yourself completely on your own two feet. It maybe hard, but you can do it.
from ungenderless :
Well okay then. In that case, I'll just offer a big, warm fuzzy E-hug. (((Emily)))
from ungenderless :
Wow. Obviously I don't know much about your situation with your dad & step mom, but if it was mine and they called me names and yelled at me like that...I would completely disown them. Life's too precious to take that kind of crap from anyone, family or not.
from dragprincess :
my suggestion? take a break from dad and step-mom right now. i know you want their approval and understanding - completely understandable. but it's like trying to get water from a dry well, honey. they can't go there with you right now. so instead of upsetting yourself and them and then all the fighting, just remove yourself from the situation until you're able to work through some things. get comfortable in your own skin. work with your feelings about your stepmom's anger. i recommend reading John Bradshaw's On the Family to look at your family roles and conversations and see how you can start to at least change how your conversation runs with them. Harriet Lerner's Dance of Anger might also be helpful......
from ungenderless :
Glad to hear that you're having such good luck with the post-high school playing field. It sounds like you're really enjoying yourself.
from idontpretend :
Some people like older men/women, some people like younger men/women, some people like people their own age. Everyone has their preference, for whatever reason. As long as each party is kool with whatever age the other is, aint nothin' wrong with it. Heh.
from ethereal-red :
Hey! Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My parents think that other people and movies have influenced my decision to be pagan and have influenced my sexuality, too. It's terribly irritating. I am my OWN person, not some leaf in the breeze led "astray" by other factors. Also, I support you in your physical relationship with Jenna. I hope it goes well! Have fun! :)
from hothead :
hey there! i am currently wothout a computer at home, and chatting at the library somehow never works out. email is so much better: bella_rivolta at hotmail dot com. i'd be happy to talk anytime, dahlin. love!
from enurta :
I've told her all of that....she just gets angry and calls me names. So I honestly don't know what to do. I have done nothing to deserve to be treated that way.
from idontpretend :
Changing my surroundings won't heal my heart, but it will make it alot easier to heal, since I won't be reminded everyday of her absence. This house is filled with memories of her, memories that slap me in the face. And I won't be changing my diary, probably ever. This diary is one of the few things that remind me of her in a way that doesn't tear me apart. It's a good reminder, not bad. Don't ask me why, I'm not entirely sure.
from omniscia :
Hi Miedema. I've been a recent reader of your diary. I just added you to my favorites list, in fact. :D Is it ok if I ask about your gender? You had mentioned it as one of your issues with your parents, but weren't specific. So I was curious if you were a female indentifying as a male, or the opposite? It's ok if you don't want to divulge. But anyway, I enjoy your posts. You express yourself beautifully. Take care, Keri
from enurta :
hey, i love TATU! i just like their russain songs better than the english ones. have you heard nas ne dagonjat? have you seen the movie lilja 4-ever???
from idontpretend :
That's great you steered clear of the cybering thing. Definitely would've complicated things. I'm glad you two salvaged your friendship.
from idontpretend :
Good luck this weekend with Jessica. I hope you have fun.
from enurta :
Thanks, I do my own lay-out. I didn't draw the picture though, I just found it somewhere. Enurta is a Babylonian God. I read about different Gods and I liked the name Enurta, I thought is was beautiful that's why I choose that name <3
from ungenderless :
I'm happy to answer your questions. Wal, my husband, fully intends on getting SRS someday. I do not; The ones who matter to me treat me as a female, and I have an outlet in the form of a female pen name. To me, this body is very masculine and getting SRS wouldn't change that. It's unfortunate, but I make do because I like where I'm at in my life, and I have such wonderful support. Wal's case is much more severe. As a man, being in a female body and being treated as such is slowly killing him.
from ungenderless :
Thanks for the compliment on my diary. I added you to my favorites, too! Jessica sounds like a really nice person.
from idontpretend :
Thank you for thinking about me
from ethereal-red :
I'm glad you had a great day. :)
from purplebanana :
Hey, did you ever get that song I emailed you??
from idontpretend :
Meh, sometimes I wish I would just die. Something quick, and hopefully painless. Sometimes my heart hurts so much, I'd rather just be dead, then have to live with the pain. I'm glad you had someone to talk to, that was able to help you feel better.
from idontpretend :
Ohhh, 'cause there's a Church Street here in Orlando too. I didn't remember it being a gay/lesbian focal spot though, heh. Oh, and you should probably change your note about my diary. This fateful romance is dead. :(
from idontpretend :
Wait, you live in Orlando? :o
from dragprincess :
Honey, being out and proud takes time to develop. Identities change, feelings change, and that's okay. You are finding out who you are right now and you have my full support. Bi, trans, pan - it's up to you. BTW, the L Word girls are filming at my office on Wednesday -- I'll tell them you said hi ;)
from ethereal-red :
I'm so glad you found groups that you can be a part of and that can help you. Meeting with that counselor should be very helpful. :)
from idontpretend :
Buds gotta burst sooner or later. You can always pop it open now, rather than later, and get it over with. Or just let it go until it bursts under it's own pressure. Parents just plain suck sometimes. Some people are lucky, and don't have the extra struggles that some of us have. And they need to shut up, when they think they know what it's like, for those of us who have different, harder struggles to deal with.
from painted-eyes :
(Sorry, catching up on your life) What was hard for me was the growing closer to them only to tell my dad and he probably told my mom and then it all shot to hell even though nobody admits to the root cause of it, i was so stressed out about telling my dad, and kept waiting for him to broach the subject because i can be a coward with family, and he never did, so hidden tension mounted and resulted in the entry of "Spring Break '07, Baby!!!"
from painted-eyes :
AGH, EMILY!! I just want to yell at all of them. I remember what it was like in the hospital, and it was slightly more serene there just because we couldn't close our doors very often.
from minstrelite :
Did you just read "How Frightening are the Gods?" I ask because I removed "To Everyone" for certain reasons. Otherwise, they're identical. The Unpardonable Sin is the Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. The best answer I've ever gotten from an old minister is that "No one knows what it is, but God just threw it in there to make sure none of us would kick back too far and think we were completely forgiven." However, scholars who have studied it more deeply have decided that it would be if one were to harden one's heart to the point where forgiveness of any sort were no longer a positive value. In other words, if the Christian belief-system is true, that person would stand, as we all will, at the Judgment Seat of Christ and basically say: "I don't give a fuck if you forgive me or not. I hate your fuckin' ass. Send me to hell if you want, I'd rather be there than be with you." So, one would have to be pretty majorly resentful to maintain that attitude in the presence of someone who has forgiven them of everything they have done, and everything they ever will do.
from ethereal-red :
Happy Ostara!
from purplebanana :
I could probably email it to you, if I figured out how to attach a song to email. If you're interested, let me have your address and I'll give it a try.
from purplebanana :
Have you heard 'The Christians and the Pagans' by Dar Williams? I wonder if you'd like it.
from painted-eyes :
:) You've been a big support. I think I'll make it out okay. Hopefully. If not, I'll have some interesting stories to report when I get back to school in September. If I don't end up killing myself first. :/ I'm sure I'll be fine though.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for the link!
from painted-eyes :
*hugs you tight* Thankyou so much. Thanks for supporting me being me. Sometimes, it just takes some encouragement.
from painted-eyes :
I don't know. I don't care anymore. I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of fighting back. I think I'm just going to surrender. To give in. To conform. That's what they want. I feel as though it's abuse, but maybe, I'm just overly emotional.
from painted-eyes :
I fought back. I initiated it by being belligerent. I deserved it. As cliche as it sounds, I know I deserve it. I'm ruining their lives, they're just ruining mine in return. At least, I have the potential of living with my g/f this summer, right?
from idontpretend :
Thank you. I'm feeling better at least. Still icky, but not as. Heh. You can imagine how my SPD was. :o I hope yours was better. :)
from beautigirl :
That's cool. Where do you get the music ideas from?
from ethereal-red :
Oh, Emily. You have no idea how much I want that, too. I even have dreams about it, about being held by people that matter to me and told that everything's going to be okay, that they love me for who I am and for who I am not, that they care for me, and that they care about me. I often have this dream involving Dr. Vine, Jenny and Tracey. Funny how they're all treatment providers. Oh well. I always wake up sad anyways, because I know that it'll never happen.
from idontpretend :
Everything will be ok. *hugs*
from idontpretend :
I'm glad it inspired you like that. :o I know how hard it is, but I also know that you can't rush it. It'll happen when it happens, as long as you keep your heart open to it. :)
from purplebanana :
The video is there now. It just takes YouTube a long time to put it up.
from purplebanana :
Wow. You make me wanna search YouTube all night long for other good videos!
from idontpretend :
I never got to play with dry ice in science class. :( But I do have this really kool, old fashioned glass Coke bottle that looks silver, because the inside is coated in silver nitrate or something. :D
from idontpretend :
Hahaha, that's pretty kool.
from ethereal-red :
I don't agree with blood magick, either. Self-harm is self-harm, like you said. I highly doubt my therapist would disagree with that, too.
from ethereal-red :
Everybody's always so surprised when I tell them (eventually, I don't just blurt it out) that I'm gay. I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian now and not bisexual. There just isn't that attraction to men, at least not right now, especially now that I pay more attention to it. I don't want to say "lesbian" definetly yet because I don't want to have to take back my words. Anyways, I hate words like "dyke", "queer", "homo" and "lezbo". They're so derogatory (I know I spelled that wrong).
from inside---out :
no and no. i keep putting off making an appointment with my university's counsellor. i'd really like to be able to do all of this without therapy, as i really don't think it's worthwhile for me at this point. i've been thinking that i'd like to start t in the fall, but i won't know where i'll be in september until next month. i'd like to have surgery about a year from now, but i don't know if i'll be able to make it happen. for one thing, i'll have to get my parents on my side.
from idontpretend :
Yes, time is key. I'm taking it slowly too. In the past, I would've moved fast, but now, in those same situations, I'm moving so, so slowly. I'm not even looking for a serious relationship. Just friendships, with the potential for something more.
from omniscia :
Yeah, the L word rocks! Season 1 is the absolute best. I don't know if you have NetFlix service or what, but that's how we caught up on past seasons- by renting them. Although now I intend to buy them all for my monstrous collection! :)
from idontpretend :
Hahaha, glad to be of service. ;D
from idontpretend :
Yes, having someone beside me when I'm lying in bed is one of the things I miss the most. :( And if you need help picking out new sex toys, I'll be more than happy to volunteer to help you out!!
from dragprincess :
You aren't a freak. It took me until I was in my late 20s to really like penetration -- and yes, lesbians do like penetration. I had to wait until I met someone I really connected with sexually, because I would get tense and tight, and also use the Hitachi Magic Wand concurrently. Don't pressure yourself. It's okay. If it's meant to happen, it will. Clitoral stimulation is the best for me, penetration is nice but won't bring me to orgasm. It's just another way to feel close to someone if it works for you.
from ethereal-red :
Well, I'm a virgin. I've only been given oral for like a minute, and have done and received some genital rubbing. How big of a freak does THAT make ME?! ;) Just kidding. Clitoral stimulation works the best for me, too. You're not a freak.
from idontpretend :
lol, I didn't say anything about lowering expectations. Just making changes. Which I guess might require changing expectations as well. Hmmm, just depends on what's best for you. Jenna was completely wrong for you, no matter how you felt about her. So....I guess you've just gotta find someone that IS right for you, that you have feelings for as well. Meh, I know how hard it is, to find someone like that.
from idontpretend :
Sometimes you have to make changes in your life, and the way you live it, in order to find a way to be happy with yourself and your life. The best thing you can do is try. You'll find the right balance that will suit your life. :)
from ethereal-red :
I'm sorry Jenna was not honest about her wanting it to be so casual. Elizabeth was kind of like that, too. It hurts. It hurts a lot. You did a good job dissecting your appointment. And identity thing... I struggle with the same thing. Who am I? What am I? How do I even begin to identify myself? I will be working on this in therapy.
from idontpretend :
I'm sorry Jenna was so casual about your relationship, without being honest about it. I hate it when people do that. If I'm not serious about someone, I let them know. I don't string them along. I don't get into very many casual relationships as it is, but when I do, I don't try to bullshit them about it. I'm glad you met this other girl. I hope you two DO have a good time together.
from idontpretend :
I'm trying, but it's more than just being nervous on a first date. I seriously don't recognize myself. I used to love to waste time at the arcade, or reading comic books, or playing video games, etc., etc. But now, when I do these things, all I feel like, is that I'm wasting time. I don't have fun anymore. Nothing is fun anymore. I don't feel like myself. I feel like someone else. And I'm tired of it. I want to be ME again. And I don't know how to find my way back to myself. It's a much bigger, and deeper, problem, than I thought it was. I realized that last night. :(
from ethereal-red :
That website (GreyWing's) is so cool! I love it! It has so much helpful and interesting information in it and I love the bath and beauty section. I went through the Book Of Shadows and learned a lot, too. I have Silver RavenWolf's version of the Book Of Shadows and that's very helpful as well.
from ethereal-red :
Hope you made it without cutting yourself. Three months is a long time and I know you can make it a whole year... and longer! I know how hard it is. It's been sixteen weeks for me as of today and every day is a huge struggle. I, too, avoid sharp objects, but I have to have knives and scissors in my house. I can't wait until the day when I can shave my legs with a regular razor and not have to use a stupid electric one!
from enurta :
I'm alright <3
from idontpretend :
I hope you made it through the night without cutting yourself. I know how hard it can be, to resist certain urges, or to deal with that kind of pain and confusion. Just hang in there. When you're lying in your room, and you have those urges, just remember, you're not alone. People are thinking about you, good things for you, and want you to be able to overcome.
from ethereal-red :
I am so glad you got to work through some things with Joya, and am sorry about your psychiatrist. Some people just don't truly care.
from razor-vixen :
HOpe you're doing okay. It's okay to feel upset if you feel he doesn't understand you. I kind of get what he's saying about not coming out to your parents...you are not in a relationship right now, so really, it's okay not to. You're not hiding yourself or lying to them. It's kind of a non-issue with them now, I think is what he's saying. But if it's making you THAT uncomfortable to not tell them, then you might have to think of a way to do it. But I think you can take your time with it, and think of the best way to do it, is all he (and I) is saying.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for sharing your faith with us. I'm trying to figure out what I should do for Ostara as well.
from ethereal-red :
I am so glad you had a good time. I have always been fascinated by the Goth culture.
from minstrelite :
Forgot to add. I also agree that the woman she met in the bookstore (with the crystals, etc.) didn't strike me (as a listener) with being nearly as far gone as the first guy she met, who said he was Jesus and all that. But still, I was listening from the perspective of it being a song dealing with homelessness, mental health conditions, and stigma. Its being a Christian song was, for me, secondary.
from minstrelite :
You should know me well enough by now to know that of course your comment doesn't offend me. Why should I be offended? My own experience was the song was that I didn't even suspect it was a Christian song until it got to the part about Jesus and Galilee, which was after two full verses and refrains. When she said the thing about the people being made in the "image of her God" I didn't identify "God" as being a Judeo-Christian god specifically. Not at that point. I thought she was only trying to make a point that people who are homeless and have mental health disorders ought not to be ridiculed and stigmatized, and since I have been both (homeless and having a mental health disorder) and I have also been both (ridiculed and stigmatized) it hit home. That's the only reason I posted the song. Also, the second time I listened to the song, I didn't think it was all that great musically. It's unlikely I'll pursue the artist, or get any further into her. Just being honest.
from ethereal-red :
I am glad you are taking such a positive look at life and yourself, and having such a positive outlook. You are such an inspiration!
from beautigirl :
Wow, that description fits my LL perfectly although he never expects things in return. I've taken that test years ago and the ISTJ still fits me to this day.
from ethereal-red :
I will always love Elizabeth, even though we can't be together. She's got issues, too, even though they aren't mostly mental health issues, and needs to work through them... just like I have to work through my own issues.
from idontpretend :
I'll be thinking good, happy, and positive thoughts for Alyssa, and even praying for her.
from idontpretend :
Woohoo, glad to hear it girlfriend! *snap, snap, snap*
from idontpretend :
All I gotta say, is be careful. Tread lightly. Don't put too much expectation on your conversation. :/
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for the quotes. They sure are inspiring!
from beautigirl :
Yay, good times to come this weekend! Although my friends want to go out, I'll be good on Friday night so I can survive the bus ride. It feels good to be excited!
from purplebanana :
How weird. Came to this entry with your pictures right after I'd finished painting one of my own.
from ethereal-red :
From what I could see, your art is lovely. Thanks for sharing it with us! The SIB pictures were a little triggering for me, but not too bad. I was able to manage my urges. Again, thanks for sharing your art with all of us.
from anainsight :
Hi, thanks for your note and the encouragement. I needed to hear that. (((hugs)))
from painted-eyes :
I need her. I need to get away. I need to love her. I can't lose her. I need her now. ASAP. Yet she's still so far. And I can't find a way to get there. To get to her.
from idontpretend :
You've gotta overcome what's making you miserable. Figure out what makes you happy, and grab it with both hands. Either your family accepts you, or they don't. And if they don't, then stop depending on them, and live your life for yourself. Fuck Jenna. Find your own path in life, even if it's not the path that everyone else thinks you should take. Do what's best for YOU. Do what makes YOU happy. Don't fall into the guilt trap they may lay down for you. Don't step on anyone, but don't let anyone step on you either. Your life is in your hands. Your happiness, your destiny. It's all there for you to take. All you have to do, is figure out what you want, and go for it.
from fan4 :
You left me a note (which was among the notes for ethereal-red, instead of among my notes), saying that I was rude to her, and that not everyone believes in Christianity. (Apparently you're one of those people.) Do me a favor and removie my diary from your favorite diary list. I've already taken your diary off of mine.
from idontpretend :
Woohoo! Fuck her. Nobody's perfect, and if she honestly thought she was better than you, then you shouldn't want to be with someone like that.
from dragprincess :
Interview questions. 1. What is your earliest memory? 2. Describe a time when you had to go through a life-changing experience and how you handled that. 3. Name three people you admire and why. 4. What qualities do you have that are like your mom and what like your dad? 5. What are your fears and phobias?
from ethereal-red :
I am sorry this all happened, but perhaps it ended up being for the best. I'm glad you stood up for yourself.
from ethereal-red :
I'm so glad it all worked out for you. Congratulations on using your skills!
from purplebanana :
Hey! Here's how I do it: I upload images at imageshack.us. I make sure they are resized for a website (it's a button you can click, though I actually think perhaps it checks the box automatically.) Once the picture is uploaded it takes you to a new page. You need to copy the bit that says 'direct link to image.' Then when you are writing your entry, you write [img src="PASTE THE DIRECT LINK HERE"] Instead of using [], use <>. I had to use the [] otherwise I think it would have messed the note up. I hope this makes sense. If it doesn't, let me know.
from ethereal-red :
I'm glad those grounding techniques worked for you. Some of mine include smelling hand sanitizer on my hands (it really burns my nose and flips me back into reality, especially during flashbacks), smelling nail polish remover (no, I do not get high... :) ), sucking on really sour candy, sucking on Altoids and snapping a rubber band/hair binder on my wrist. Mine are really sensory in nature.
from secretsof :
hey - thanks for the note a while ago, i'm slacking a bit with diaryland of late. i don't write about it here, but i'm in therapy too with many of the issues you described in one of your posts. but hey, nobody's perfect and we're sorting it, right? just a nudge to let you know you're not out there alone. x
from idontpretend :
Here's a tip: don't even think about shutting off your heart or your feelings. Live with it, face it, learn how to live without her. But at the same time, move on. Don't be afraid of losing those feelings. Eventually they will fade, and you will learn that it is possible to live without her, and the love you feel for her, and that it will be possible to be happy again without her in your life. It sucks, I know. It hurts, I know. You're going through exactly the same thing I've been going through, in losing Julia. I survived, and I'm finding myself again. You can too.
from idontpretend :
Something about people like Jenna and Julia, they seem to hold a grudge, and are rather unforgiving. It's not a strenght, it's a weakness on their part. They give up the potential for something incredible, because they'd rather hold a grudge. It's sad. And the fact that you'd take Jenna back isn't sad. It's love. The simple fact is, even now, I'd probably take Julia back. But, only if she proved that she had changed, that she understood and acknowledged what she'd done to me, how she gave up on what we had, because she wanted to hold a grudge instead. If, by some chance, Jenna was to ask to get back together, don't let her walk all over you, just because you hurt her.
from idontpretend :
Oh, and yeah, finding acceptance in what has happened, and finding a way to move on with your life, is definitely the best thing you can do for yourself. You may never stop loving her, but that doesn't mean you can't live your life again, for yourself. :)
from idontpretend :
Gawd, yeah, I hate it when they just shut themselves off, or at least appear to. It's like they're afraid of what they feel, and instead of talking about it, they just close down, which doesn't help you any. It's kinda messed up, but what can you do about it? I didn't realize it's only been a month. That's not a very long time to get over someone. You definitely shouldn't expect to be over her so soon. Give it time, hang in there, and know you're not alone. :)
from idontpretend :
HEY, there's a huge difference between accepting when something is over with, and shutting off your feelings. Just because you and Jenna are no longer together, doesn't mean you stop having feelings for her. I will never see or hear from Julia again in my lifetime. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm still in love with her. It's a matter of learning how to live without them again. Of being on your own again, and forging a new life out of the ashes of the old. Don't be like Jenna. Don't shut your heart off. Keep it open, and live, and learn from your past.
from ethereal-red :
Oh, and I'm glad your talks with your mom and step-dad (it was your step-dad, right?) went well.
from ethereal-red :
I support you in staying home, just like I support you in moving. I think you have a lot to work on no matter where you live. I do too. I'm sorry your psychiatrist is a jackass- that seriously sucks- but I am glad he's a good psychiatrist other than that jackass part. I'm glad you can talk to him. Does he function as a therapist as well? Have a good day!
from hothead :
okay, wow. first, thanks for adding me, and for that comment. second...i believe that sexuality and (especially) gender identity is one of the most important factors in our day to day lives, therefore deserving of lots of time and attention. it's part of learning who we are. just saying...anything i can help with, you just let me know. thanks again. :)
from idontpretend :
Wow, I had some catching up to do. Honestly, Jenna reminds me of Julia in the aspect that Julia can shut off her feelings like a switch. She ignores what her heart is telling her, and listens to the fears that consume her mind. Your situation is very different than mine, but our other's have those similarities. It's good that you're forgetting about Jenna, and moving on. People like them, they live in fear. Fear of being hurt, fear of loving with all their heart. Fear of forgiveness. No matter how much we forgive them, they refuse to forgive us, or themselves. I hope things workout with Katie. I'm confused though, she has a bf? Or she's your new gf? Unless I read something wrong. It's good that you're changing your situation though. It doesn't sound like you're running away from anything, but are, in fact, putting in motion a solid plan that will enable you to take a step back from your life and yourself, and hopefully fix yourself, and put you on a path that will enable you to succeed the way that you want to succeed. Good luck to you. I hope you succeed.
from beautigirl :
Yay! Be free! Live your life because no one else is going to live it for you.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for the sweet note. :)
from ethereal-red :
That's awesome that you get to move in two weeks!
from wendell77 :
Thanks for the nice note!
from painted-eyes :
You can make it, I have faith in you. . . and like someone else in your notes page said, leaving doesn't do anything to solve the problem. Trust me, I have tried. I ran away from home this summer, and it solved nothing.
from dragprincess :
here's the thing: moving somewhere, doing a geographical, doesn't solve anything. stay put. fight for yourself.
from ethereal-red :
I hope you can move with your friend. I think you do need a new place, I agree with you. And best of luck with the psychiatrist appointment, okay? Love, Emily
from ethereal-red :
Oh, okay. No need to apologize. Thanks for the clarification. And I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time... things seem to have been really up and down for you lately. I hope they even out soon. Love, Emily
from ethereal-red :
So... you think that people on your version of social security are lazy? I am on social security. I am not in school. I don't have a job. And I am not lazy.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Well, I'm trying to figure it out. I really just don't understand how Raging Pistachio does their designs. They're completely different from the ones I do. I'll keep trying to figure it out though.
from ethereal-red :
I am so scared about breaking up with Leon. So scared. Not scared that he'll hit me or anything like that; I know he won't. Just scared that I'll really hurt him or that he'll blame himself when it really has nothing to do with him at all, almost. Thanks for your support.
from ethereal-red :
Your insight is incredible. I'm glad you have found who you are and with terms to match it all. Do you feel a greater sense of peace now?
from idontpretend :
Personally, I think people way overthink and overanalyze and label sexuality and this 'gender identity'. Either you're a man or a woman, based on your genetic makeup. Period. Whether you're into men, women, both, whether you lean to being masculine or feminine, or somewhere in the middle, it doesn't matter. You are what you are. You're attracted to what you're attracted to. Trying to break it down and label it way over complicates it. Look between your legs, you are a woman. Don't nuke it. Now, you maybe attracted to both men and women, that makes you bisexual. And if those men or women dress like the opposite sex, or whatever, what does it matter? If finding a label or definition helps you identify yourself, that's ok. It's just that in my opinion, trying to break down basic human nature like this way over complicates life in general, and make things much more complex and difficult than what it could or should be. *shrugs* People are people. There's the hard, genetic, physical aspect that can't be denied, such as being a man or a woman, and then there's the non-physical aspect of humanity, that is flexible and adaptable with near infinite capablities.
from dragprincess :
girl, you identify yourself however you want and fuck what anyone else thinks or wonders about. i say i'm an a/g femme and if i get weird looks -- oh well.
from idontpretend :
Let's start a club!!
from ethereal-red :
I only know very, very basic HTML which does not include making my own layouts. I know enough to edit my profile on myspace and that's about it! :) I don't know for sure anybody who knows a lot about making layouts. xxplaydeadxx may know some; I'm not sure if she makes her own layouts or not. You might want to ask her. Have a great Valentine's Day!
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for all your support. I am beginning to be proud of myself as well. That's kind of a foreign feeling for me.
from ethereal-red :
I am glad you are doing what you feel is the best thing for you to do in the situation with Jenna. And congratulations on Lisa-Marie! I hope, at the very least, you two can become good friends.
from beautigirl :
Wow, I am surprised you are letting go of the friendship. Not even talking. Maybe you were lead on but you don't think it could have worked out if you two spent more time together? Was it just too uncomfortable? I'm still trying to understand this. I hope you really feel like you are doing the right thing.
from fan4 :
I"m surprised you still have my diary on your friends list, considering that ethereal-red complained to you about me. (I don't like it when people talk about me behind my back though.)
from watty :
Love the new template design... very cool!
from ethereal-red :
Hey! Thanks for the note and the support. Fan4 is really getting on my nerves, but I know she's entitled to her opinion as well as I am. I don't hassle her about her beliefs. I wish she'd just let me be. Anyway, I'm glad I have you as a friend. Thanks again for all the support in the past, in the present, and in the future.
from idontpretend :
Teehee, thx. :D I had an awesome time. I wish I could've met some people like that sooner. Hopefully they'll want me to hang with them again too. :)
from painted-eyes :
(Tihi, long note from me.)
from painted-eyes :
By the way, what makes things complicated with my parents is that we always had a rather complicated, shattered relationship, but since having fallen in love, I have become a kinder person, and they have responded in the like, and so our relationship has grown for that, and my mom constantly asks me why I am so happy with life all of a sudden, and I can't tell her I'm in love because she'll want to know all about "the boy", and if she finds out it's a girl, everything will be shot to hell all over again, so I can't really tell her or anyone in my family because they're all way too conservative for my liking. -_- I never felt like I fit in with them, but now, I know for sure I don't.
from painted-eyes :
Aw, thank you for the comment next to my name in your profile. I feel so special.
from ethereal-red :
I'm glad you had a good night. And I have to learn to change for me, too. I'm beginning to, but it's a slow and painful journey. I guess it'll be worth it, though. I have faith in you.
from ethereal-red :
Congratulations! Hope it goes well with the doctor.
from purplebanana :
Feel free to email me, and I can talk to you there about this. Don't like to talk about work on the net.
from purplebanana :
I've worked with people who self-harm for almost three years now. What do you want to know? Most of my work has been with people 13-25, though I've also coun*se*lled adults who self-harm.
from ethereal-red :
Oh okay. I misunderstood.
from ethereal-red :
I'm sorry you have lost Jenna, but you know what you need to do to keep yourself sane. It's just the way it is, that's all. You deserve to not be in constant limbo. You'll always have a special place in your heart for Jenna. It was a mixed up relationship from the start and a mixed up relationship at the end. You deserve better. You really do.
from idontpretend :
It's ok, and no, it's not cruel. If someone is doing messed up things to you, then you SHOULDN'T have them in your life. You don't need people like that, that are going to do nothing but make your life difficult and bring you more grief than you already have to deal with. If Jenna isn't talking to her, maybe you should take her lead. Don't think of yourself as a bad person for dumping your friendship with this girl. She's proven to be a bad friend, and you've got to remember that, when thinking about this situation.
from idontpretend :
I understand, but you have to keep things in perspective. Look at what she's done to you and Jenna. She hasn't earned the right to have her feelings spared so much. You've gotta face her, even if it does hurt her feelings. It's not because you're being mean. You're only trying to protect yourself, and you have every right to do that.
from idontpretend :
Oh, in that case, tell her you don't want to be friends anymore, give her an explanation if you feel it's necessary, and then move on. Don't drag it out. Don't wait for her to get the hint. End it, and get it over with sweety.
from idontpretend :
Maybe you should just talk to her then?
from idontpretend :
Honestly, it'll hurt her less if you're honest with her and just tell her. It hurts SO much more when you know someone wants you to go away, but they don't actually tell you, and they just treat you coldly in the hopes you'll just go away. That just makes it worse. :( And if she's such a crappy friend, and caused you harm, then you shouldn't be quite as worried about hurting her feelings, by protecting yourself.
from idontpretend :
If she's someone that brings out a bad side of you, and causes serious problems for you, then yeah, it's a good thing that you're not spending as much time with her, or trusting her as much.
from idontpretend :
It's great you've got stuff to keep you busy. I spend too many weekends vegging at home, and it drives me crazy sometimes. Meh. I wish I had friends in the area I could hang out with and stuff. I just haven't been able to meet people. THERE'S NOTHING TO FREAKING DO AROUND HERE! *sobs*
from idontpretend :
Yeah, it WILL get easier. I can't say how much easier, or how soon, but it will. The more you do it, the more successful you get at it, the more you'll get used to doing it. :)
from beautigirl :
Oy! You made me look that up and now I know. I wish the governments would just leave that issue alone. What's done is done. Yay, two more weeks!
from beautigirl :
Hi Dorky Farklehump. LOL I think everyone should do this, its hilarious!
from idontpretend :
I wish there was something I could do for you, but at least it sounds like you're starting to think things through and working things through on your own. That's a good step forward. :)
from painted-eyes :
My family is super-religious so it's going to be tough. My mom was in the convent for eleven years, studying to be a nun in the Catholic order. (If that means anything to you) and my brother is studying to be a priest. My two older brothers are the good ones, and I was always thought to be rebellious, so I'm certain they'll believe I'm just doing this to be rebellious...except for the fact that I've been this way for the past five years, to my knowledge, and besides, I relate to some of the things you said about you. How I barely spend any time on my hair as opposed to regular girls and some of those things. . . It just clicked with me. =) Have a great day, miedema!
from painted-eyes :
I'm not exactly certain I can tell them at this time. . . It just seems like it'd be more hassle than what it's worth, luckily, my girl said that I should tell them when I'm ready. She's very considerate about that, but I think I'll tell them after I graduate college because if I tell them while in college, they might not help me out with tuition. I already know of a few places where I could go if they kick me out. . . which wouldn't be a shock to me if they did. I just wish I could share the joy of having a girlfriend with them, ya know?
from ethereal-red :
I have huge trust issues myself. It's not a love/hate thing with me, but it definetly is a love/indifference thing with me. I put people up on a pedestal. It takes a long time for me to trust somebody, but once I do, it's a solid thing, and all-encompassing. They better not let me down, though, because if they do... there comes the indifference. "Oh, whatever. They don't mean anything to me anyways." Lies. Those people still mean the world to me, and I get deeply hurt when my trust in them is broken. The whole indifference thing is just what I tell myself to feel, to avoid getting hurt. Too bad it doesn't work...
from painted-eyes :
I haven't told my parents yet...God, I don't know how. It's so hard because they think straight is the only way to be.
from ethereal-red :
Congratulations on your decision. I'm proud of you. Best of luck...
from painted-eyes :
I'm completely head over heels for her...and she feels the same.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks for caring...
from idontpretend :
Woot, I'm rootin' for ya!
from purplebanana :
Ha! I'm so excited you are awake, I don't know why.
from idontpretend :
Now you're learnin' how to take back your life! Booyah!
from lemoncats :
G'day! My new years resolutions lasted about 22 minutes after midnight. I don't really care. They can't have been that important. Email me at robert@indivisibility.net some time? I just have something to ask. Other then that, I've just been doing January stuff. Watching the Cricket, drinking beer, surfing and other then that, doing as little as possible. Hope you have a good day! R
from idontpretend :
lol, I'm happy for you, I really am. I'm glad that you followed your heart, and that it didn't lead you astray. I hope things work out for you. :)
from idontpretend :
Damn. I failed out of my entire first year of college, because I was so depressed, I had trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I would wake up 5 minutes before class, and I COULD'VE rushed to class, and made it only a few minutes late, but I was all 'fuck it, it's too late'. I just didn't care enough to get my ass out of bed. Not because it wasn't important to me. I was just SO depressed. I know what you're going through. It's very real, and very destructive. If you feel you need serious help in order to deal with this and overcome it, then do it. If you believe taking some time off from school, and checking in some place is the answer, then do it. You've gotta get yourself healthy, so that you have a better chance of fulfilling your potnetial, a better chance of living the life you want to live. Whatever you decide, good luck to you, and I hope it works out best for you.
from beautigirl :
Oh great, it gets creepy when you use my name.
from idontpretend :
Good luck, I sincerely hope you do. From what I've read, I sense a good person inside you. I hope you can sort yourself out, and find happiness.
from idontpretend :
Well, the good news is, there IS a reason why we do the things we do. So if you can figure out what is motivating you, then you stand a good chance of changing things for yourself. :)
from idontpretend :
I'm willing to bet your friend is fully aware of what she's doing. And if something bad has happened to you in the past, it's understandable that you'd have trust issues right now. Personally, if I was involved with you, and knew something had happened to you, and what it was, I'd try to be patient.
from idontpretend :
I don't know what to say exactly. My ex used to do the same thing. She wouldn't trust anything I told her, and she was always afraid that her worst fears would come true. I never gave up on her though. I stuck by her side in spite of everything. She was the one that couldn't take it. She was the one that gave up. I guess everyone's gotta do what they think is best for them. I hope whatever happens, that you'll be ok.
from for-you-only :
Thanks! So far I've gotten three bras from my mom. lol! Too bad I gotta spend my birthday working on my room for the party.
from painted-eyes :
She's amazing. My first almost-girlfriend. :)
from painted-eyes :
I've never experienced anything like it before.
from idontpretend :
Wow, I'm sorry things are so bad for you. :( I was on prozac for awhile for severe depression. I HATED it. I ended up taking myself off of it, and then going back on it. I did that for awhile, until I finally just stopped taking it altogether. I don't know everything that's happened to you. I don't know everything that's going on in your life. But it sounds like you need to forget all those people who have given up on you, and just live your life for yourself as best you can. As soon as you can get out on your own, do it. As soon as you can live your life for yourself, do it. The only way I was able to truly overcome my depression, was getting out on my own, getting away from the source of it all. My mother.
from idontpretend :
The reason it's hard letting go, is because it's the only thing you know. You're so used to it, you're afraid of what life will be like without their abuse. Life can be better. Life SHOULD be better. If you get the chance to escape, in a good and healthy way, take it. Get on your own, live your own life, without their crap.
from idontpretend :
Whoa, whoa, WHOA! You are not a monster! Stop thinking like that! I was raised christian, and one thing I've learned, is the the more hardcore the christian, the less tolerant they seem to be. They have an extremely bloated superiority-complex. Don't let their views bring you down. They're just as human and flawed as you or me. Don't you see the irony in them being christians, as well as your family, and yet they treat you very badly for not being like them, and you get more love and compassion and understanding from people that are not 'required' to love you?
from polly-esther :
Hey, I stumbled upon your diary and I just wanted to let you know a girl in Las Vegas is reading and sending you some support! It sounds like you've been through the ringer lately and I'm glad you found someone who makes you happy. I'm locked: login is callie, pw is cat. Don't feel like you have to read my diary -- I just didn't want to be a creepy lurker!
from idontpretend :
I hate that. Love is love. Not puppy love, whatever. It's love. When my ex first started telling me she loved me, after we had hooked up, she later told me she loved me as a friend, but was still having sex with me. It was completely messed up. It was her way of telling me what I wanted to hear I guess, while assuaging her guilt. It was sick really. Stick to your guns and stand your ground.
from ethereal-red :
Your step-dad sounds quite close-minded. I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that.
from ethereal-red :
I find your entry about love to be beautiful, and I agree with your description of it. If I was married and woke up to find my partner a sudden female, I would be just as happy with them as I was in the first place. Of course, being bi really does influence that. If I was a man, and my female partner turned into a man, I am assuming that MY personality would be the same so that I would hold the same view on the issue. Therefore, I'd love them just as much as I loved them when they had a female body.
from dragprincess :
thanks so much...spent all day at work reading your archives...very interesting stuff. dating a transwoman ain't gonna be too easy, but hell, what IS in life? looking forward to seeing how this works out....
from ethereal-red :
I am so proud of you for telling your mom. I am so sorry that she didn't take it well, and that she won't accept Simon/Jenna. Best of luck with the rest of your family. Oh, and by the way, Jenna is a beautiful name. :)
from idontpretend :
I'm proud of you for finally telling your family. :) I know how hard it must've been, but overcome the hurdles of telling them the truth is what's important. I hope everything turns out well for you.
from beautigirl :
I think in a lot of ways your mother is right. Maybe it's better that certain people don't need to know, even though it is something that is a part of you. It's just that some people don't understand it and I don't think they want to. You'll probably be even more isolated from them because it would be just another reason for them to dis like you. It's totally up to you.
from beautigirl :
Is the Phoenix close to the bus station? I thought your college was closer to the concert. We can even pick you up then. The bus terminal isn't a very tall building, so it is hard to pick out in a city like Toronto. I think the Phoenix is on Sherborn ave. We can probably hang out afterwards but I am not spending the night. Maybe I can come down on the third though and we can go out somewhere. Good luck telling your parents this weekend, I know you will need it. I can only imagine how nervous you are.
from beautigirl :
I will be going with my LL's brother weather permitting. If he can't go my LL will. Make sure you get your tickets soon. I plan to be at the Phoenix very early so I can be at the stage. If we see you, we can bring you guys up in line saying to others that we have your tickets or something. Finally a concert with a group of people. This should be fun!
from hadassah :
I wanted to wish you well with your conversations with your parents. Be strong and hold your head high. Don't let anyone make you feel inferior because of your sexual preferences. Everyone is entitled, and has the right to choose what feels right for them. Take care
from herdarlinsin :
Oh, honey, you are not weird. Gays, bi-sexuals, and lesbians are cool. I should know- I'm one too. Hey, if people can't enjoy the "pride" too bad for them. No matter what our sexual preferences are, or gender roles tend to be, it doesnt lessen who we are inside. We are just like anybody else. We love, we laugh, we cry, we hurt and we bleed. We are our own universe. I accept you, and your partner. And I don't even know you. I hope things go well with your "outing" to your family. Good luck, hon.
from painted-eyes :
I don't smoke usually, but I have a sentimental story about ciggs & coffee, so that's my exception.
from bluexdream :
i actually have a lot of scans. if i can find them all. shoot me your email. i'm heading on a quest to find something (shady lol) right now, so tell me what genres you're into, and i'll gladly share them!
from bluexdream :
i think saikano is licensed under Viz. it's a little slow and fantastical at first, but a few volumes in, and I was hooked. i spent the last 3-4 volumes weeping when i'm usually not the crier in any case. i bought the japanese volumes while i was Japan, but... if you'd like, i have the scans on my computer, and I could email them to you.
from painted-eyes :
So, just curious, but how did you discover me?
from bluexdream :
i forget that there's a notes page... i'm just going through treatment for a blood disorder and bipolar right now. it's fine most of the time, until i get really weird (paranoid) ideas due to the imbalances in my brain. it's scary in the moment, but i can laugh about it a bit afterwards. you've really come a long way to finding yourself; i think you've found the place where love transcends social and gender bounderies. and i wonder if i could, too, be as strong to fall in love with just the person and not what they stand for.
from painted-eyes :
Wow, thank you for your words...I appreciate the compliment.
from watty :
That would be cool to chat through MSN. Feel free to add me. My MSN name is spelled out in my profile. Look forward to typing to you. =)
from beautigirl :
That's good he can stand his ground. And I'm glad you two worked things out.
from idontpretend :
I hope so
from idontpretend :
I envy you. Your conversation reminded me quite a bit of the convos Julia and I used to have. Plus, I was trying to help her through some bad things that had happened to her. At first, I succeeded. And then everything went to shit, and she stopped caring. I hope things work for you. I hope you two are happy together for a very long time.
from freshhell :
Hey, thanks for the note! Always happy to learn of new readers. Also, I say out yourself, be yourself, and those who can't handle it aren't your friends.
from idontpretend :
Okies, gotcha. And no, I only had to read it once. ;P hehe. I've just had this weird headache for a week and a half straight, and it's not going away, and I can't frigging think straight anymore. Meh. But I've gotcha now. Wish I knew what to tell you, except that just telling them straight up what's up might be the best thing to do. It'll cause some short-term chaos, but unless you're that dependent on your family, you might want to think about laying it all out, letting the chips fall where they may, and living your life, instead of hiding it.
from ethereal-red :
Wow. You have some huge decisions to make, and if you need to talk, I'm here. A long time ago I told my family I was a lesbian (yes, I was terrified, but I knew I had to tell them sooner or later), because I thought I was a lesbian. Now I know for sure that I am bisexual, and I am proud of that, but I cannot get up the nerve to info my parents on that one. I think they think I'm not any form of non-straight, like I was confused or something (and I was, but I am not anymore). They did say, though, that they'd love me no matter what. They could never accept me, I think, but they'd love me and tolerate my bi-ness, which is all I ask for. Leon knows I'm bi. When I told him, he just smiled and said he loves me, and that he was fine with it. I would never wear a pin on my shirt or out myself to the world, but I am gradually becoming less terrified of telling people I am bi. Now... if only I could tell my parents. I'd have to write them a letter as well... I could never just open my mouth and say it. Best of luck...
from idontpretend :
Who's a guy, who's a girl, who's bi, who's gay, I don't know the players, so it's all confused in my head. :x
from idontpretend :
I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm confused about who is what and stuff. :o
from minstrelite :
OK I added you. Thanks.
from inside---out :
thanks.
from minstrelite :
Um, I actually deleted the e-mail at one point when I was trippin, but I remember everything it said. I'm home briefly now at 7pm and am on my way to Choir practice but will hit you up on MSN Messenger later on this evening if it's not too late where you are in Canada when I get home at about 9:30pm California time. The e-mail didn't say anything weirdly bad and I'm not sure why I deleted it except for that I was trippin very hard on the subject and not thinking clearly. I am doing better now.
from minstrelite :
I read your latest entries (the 6 or 7 locked ones) and now I have a long e-mail to you sitting in my drafts folder awaiting to be sent. Do you have MSN chat or AIM or Yahoo? That might be better. I have feelings about what you wrote, but I don't want to leave them in a note. They're all right feelings though, nothing to be concerned about, just not to be broadcast.
from idontpretend :
Oh, kool, thank you.
from fan4 :
I'm a A cool Christian Chika? I like the sound of that! Triple alliteration! That's rare.
from watty :
I'm glad you liked the description... see, it only took me months to get around to doing it... ha! I appreciate someone who is open and direct. That is you and it's cool getting to know you. =)
from idontpretend :
How come you have a password on your diary now?
from ethereal-red :
I'm not used to feeling special and wanted, either. Leon tells me I'm beautiful so often that, now, when I look in the mirror, I still see fat and ugly, but sometimes I think, you know, maybe- just maybe I *do* look nice today. Talk about blowing me away. I can't even remember the last time I thought that. I've had ED'd thoughts and body perceptions ever since I was very small. This is totally new for me- that tiny break in the pattern.
from ethereal-red :
So he's transgender? I think that's really cool, I really do! I'm proud of him (even though I don't know him) for following his gut instinct and heart. I am also glad that you have found somebody that you can be with. I am discovering that relationships sure can be fulfilling, and I am proud of you for not making a rash decision on the sex issue. I, too, think it's something that needs to come with time when both individuals are totally ready.
from beautigirl :
Well, I'll post an entry about my personal feelings about that topic when I can get some time too.
from beautigirl :
You'll make me confused as well if you used his other name. LOL. I am so happy for you. I'm sure your relationship is going to grow into something very fulfilling. He really sounds like the perfect one for you. -Jenna
from beautigirl :
Jenna? That is so cool! What is his sister's name then?
from tigerlillie7 :
I'm so happy you like it. If you need a poem for anything I write them all from my heart. Please just put out the word. =)
from purplebanana :
Holy crap! Just read all your recent entries and really happy for you.
from tigerlillie7 :
For a Rose Tired it seems Your feeling your dreams You feeling your dreams Slipping away Why can't you go Why can't it stay Emty inside I'm feeling for you Weaker - + - Stronger There's nothing to do For you are a fighter Kept deep down inside You should open up With nothing to hide You are a rose One that's in bloom You are the picture That senter the room Needing your space Is easy to give Not knowing the time Left to live So open your peddles Show your red sight Lovely you are You needing the night So caught all your dreams For you are the one Who sowes all the seams You are the rose The rose in someones life You make all your dreams and loose them at night So keep up your head Please carry on Making your dreams true Is keeping you strongh So please lovely rose With all your bright sight Keep yourself planted Even in flight I know that it's hard From day to day I want you to know Your special that way
from tfrunner262 :
ooh, that does suck... but it can be done. Just do your best to keep your head up (and don't turn it too much, lol) and you'll be good. People will mostly just think you're coming down with a cold/fever or something like that.
from idontpretend :
Gahahahahaha, just say no to boooze you silly drunken wench! :x
from watty :
Thanks for your encouragement. I'll play it by ear a day at a time. It's tragic that she left this world at such a young age.
from enurta :
thanks for the support. i know you're right, but i forgive him because god knows it isn't easy to live with me. he regrets what he did to me, he even cried so i'm ok with it. i love him, that's why i forgive him. i know he didn't mean it. he's really a god guy, not a bad one <3
from idontpretend :
WOoooohoooo! Don't have too much fun now, ya hear? ;D
from watty :
Very cool to hear that you have a nice guy in your life. All the best to you, as always. =)
from beautigirl :
Congradulations! Where is he from? I hope he sweeps you off your feet! You deserve it!
from freesey :
It's unfortunate that people judge. What's comical to me is that they also purport to know how God would judge.
from idontpretend :
They say it's immoral because it goes against their beliefs. And no, it's not right. If you don't believe in being gay, then don't be gay. But the way they treat ANYONE who is different and doesn't conform to their way of life sickens me.
from idontpretend :
lol, why would I be offended? :D I'm 31. :x
from idontpretend :
My real mom and I actually had that problem. We'd fight alot, she'd treat me like crap, even threatened to leave my dad because he was helping me when I was homeless and stuff. Both my parents are still married. You are your dad's daughter. So of course you're going to matter to him. Just as much as she does, if not more. If only because you seem to have a good relationship with him. If she can't deal with it, then he needs to let her leave, because she's not worth it.
from idontpretend :
Wow, it sounds like your step-mom is trying to control you and your dad, and trying to force both of you to bend to her will. And it sounds like she's trying to force your dad to really choose between you two, which is just plain wrong. You are his DAUGHTER. He should NEVER have to choose between you two. She needs to pull her head out of her ass, and accept the fact that she will never be the sole person in his life, or that she will ever matter more than you. And your life is YOUR life. Her expectations don't mean shit. She's not even your biological mother. She's married to your dad, not you. Your dad sounds like a decent guy, he just needs to stand up to her. If she loves him, she won't leave him. If she loves him, she'll pull her head out of her ass and see how she's behaving badly. Maybe you're agitating her, maybe not. Maybe she deserves it (sounds like she does), maybe not. But you're his daughter. End of story. If she can't, then he's better off without her.
from minstrelite :
Thanks for the two nice notes. I think that you're right that we ought to be encouraging real-life eye-contact one-to-one associations, and I think that the therapist in this case was playing off of my need to have a soon income while I'm working through some of my social anxiety issues. A lot of us who have been drawn toward Internet relationships have found that our social phobias come less into play when we are separated from those with whom we associate by monitors and miles, windows and webs. I don't think she meant to discourage real-life opportunities, but that right now is the time for me maybe to take a night class, find an exercise club, continue to sing in the Choir, and so forth, while I'm trying to sort through my difficulties dealing with people in the work-place. I don't think it will be long now until I am back on my feet.
from razor-vixen :
You know what, you don't have to go to your dad's house every weekend. You can talk to him on the phone, have good communications with him that way. If it's more harmful than helpful to spend time in that environment, then limit your time there. Your dad seems to understand that, which is all you wanted. Spend more time on yourself. Maybe spend more time at school on the weekends. He will understand.
from beautigirl :
That’s great that your dad is trying to support you in the way he knows how, but don’t you think it’s hard to get support from those who haven’t gone through what you have? I don’t mean to upset you, but if they can’t relate, how can they really understand? If separation results from another person (besides infidelity), there are obviously deeper issues going on. It would be really immature of them to blame their problems on someone else. That’s just my opinion, I’m sure you might disagree. He is just like any man who is trying to keep his women happy.
from thisiswhoim :
thank u sooo much for all the pointers... will definitely try it out. n let u know how i like it. glad to meet someone on this :) once again. thank u n i really appreciate the info. :)
from razor-vixen :
We-ll....I don't know if it's really something I want to be proud of! I guess if I actually got hangovers, I wouldn't drink so much. But I usually don't, it's pretty rare. A lot of times I feel I should cut back. But I do it again!
from minstrelite :
You are a good person. I don't know how to convince you of that, but the reason why I know it is because the feelings you are expressing over your Dad and Step-Mom are very much like those that I had toward my birth parents when I was also 22 years old. As I look back, I see that it actually *was* a failing on the part of my parents (although a natural one) in that they were reluctant to let go of me, even as I was on my own, paying my own rent and bills, deciding what classes to take, where to work, and so forth. At a time when my individuality and independence was supposed to be being encouraged and developed, they instead seemed to be thwarting it. And it was very frustrating. I wanted them to have faith in me, and to believe in me, rather than to be doomsaying and worried about every damn thing. But parents often have a very hard time doing that, by sheer virtue of the fact that they are parents. They have their own guilt going on, too, as I'm sure you know. I really try today, with my daughter Echo who is 21, not to worry about her comings and goings. After all, she has a part-time job, goes to school full-time (gets all A's in fact) and rents her own room, though from her boyfriend's dad. My assessment of her boyfriend, his character, their lifestyle, etc., is also immaterial. These are choices that she has made, and that she is entitled to have made. She is an adult now. My guilt enters in when I feel that, because I am allowing her her independence, it must mean that I do not love her. But that's a fallacy. Your dad is probably confusing love and guilt. He thinks that if he didn't stick his nose in, he wouldn't be a good parent. In reality, the exact opposite is the truth. Good luck to you, God is with you, and I am too.
from thisiswhoim :
hii i m new to this site.. n i really like ur background n stuff. well i have been trying to figure out how to do all of this to make it look better. but actually have no idea. i would really appreciate it if u can give me some pointers.. thank u. :)
from razor-vixen :
Well, I've drank a whole 26er at parties. While out....I often lose track. I drank a LOT at my graduation, but I don't even know how much!
from miedema2002 :
I mean no food, no water ect. woopsies!
from miedema2002 :
I'll start since I am the author here. 18 drinks max in one night no drinks no water no breaks lol! I'm amazed I didn't die of alcohol poisoning since I am only 4,11 lol!
from purplebanana :
Ha! That counts AND I love it. can you put it in the comments, though, so it'll be attached to the entry? I will thank you forever if you do. And add more! Heheh.
from minstrelite :
Your kit sounds good, Emily. Hope it works for you!
from beautigirl :
That's a very interesting idea. I love the smell of coconut too. Hope it helps you recover.
from ethereal-red :
Nope, I'm not getting ECT anymore. It stopped last January, I believe.
from purplebanana :
I understand how hard it can be to let things go, but I also understand that not letting them go can cause such pain and heartbreak. I am thinking of you.
from beautigirl :
It's ok. These things happen. I forgive you. It's stressful and hard on everyone. I like to see things as eye-for-an-eye. I would forgive her too but somehow I don't think she would be willing to. I just don't like feeling these kind of tentions. Fall-outs aren't easy, and in a way, it shows people for who they really are. Anyways, lets just move on... -Jenna
from beautigirl :
Great work on your new years tasks. Was that you who posted anonymously in her comments? She'll believe anything her friends would tell her, even if they were lying. That's why I don't talk to her.
from kelly :
It's crap like that (aka, what you're talking about in your latest entry) that makes me love LiveJournal, 'cause I can totally control who reads what.
from beautigirl :
Yep, someone can't get over high school drama. Ah well, its expected from one who is obviously very insecure with themselves. It's not very mature, thats for sure. I actually don't read her crap because i prefer to surround myself with positive people, not negative ones. In fact, I don't think "lowly" of myself at all; she needs to rethink her allegations. Carma is a bitch. That's all I have to say.
from ethereal-red :
Happy late birthday! Best of luck with your goals! I know that you will work hard to accomplish them.
from minstrelite :
i just locked my diary, so plz e-mail me for the username password combination
from take-two :
12/28/06 - Just wanted to wish you a happy belated birthday and all good things in the new year!
from ethereal-red :
Yeah, things are going better. The Paxil is helping tremendously, and I thank God for my doctor every day. The eating is getting better, too. I see the dietitian again on Jan 3rd. Happy holidays!
from green-kiwis :
Alrighty: Go here: http://www.geocities.com/starlight_lily22//miedema2002.html Then, copy all the code in the textbox. Paste that. And get ahold of me if it didn't fix it.
from beautigirl :
That Ty is staying with me. I'll admit I assumed you would be offended or something, but I just offered him a place to stay, and do our own things during the days.
from green-kiwis :
You completely replaced all of the old code with the new one??
from green-kiwis :
This is your r-e-v-i-e-w reviewer. I'll take a look at the HTML code and email you a fixed copy, okay? What is an email I should use?
from r-e-v-i-e-w :
Your review is up! Sorry for the extra-long wait; Nice job!
from beautigirl :
Well, I guess she got it right then when she called her LJ "Life of a boring person." lol I know that she has friends, maybe not new ones, but just think of all the former students from her school go there as well, plus if you read Ty's journal, there's Ester and some other anorexic girl that she hangs out with. So don't feel bad, unless you were being sarcastic.
from beautigirl :
Yes, so true. I hope I won't be that insecure for my first year at university. Probably not because I am fairing well at this new school. She makes me not want to choose Ottawa, but Calvin said him and I would live off campus anyway.
from purplebanana :
I love the idea of doing a review of the year. I don't know that I could reread so much, though. I think it's a gorgeous aspiration, and maybe I'll try.
from beautigirl :
Hey well happy early birthday! I will be staying here until the 27th but your probably going to Chelsea's closer to the new year. Ah, so you saw the Ottawa U visiter? Anyways, I don't like her because she is very nosey, she talked a lot of crap about Margo and Jessica and they have problems that they can't help, plus she's snobby and thinks she's better than everyone else. She even asked Thomas if him and I were dating, we weren't of course, but what's that gotta do with her? Him and I have always been like brother and sister. She just can't stay out of everyone's business I guess. Everyone has their faults. So yeah, I just get to wait to see where I get accepted for uni. It's exciting wondering where I'm going to end up. Talk later.
from beautigirl :
Hey, you made it sound like your not returning until the new year. Is that right? If so then happy hollidays. And just curious but how many years do you have left for your program? Talk later. -Jenna
from xeison :
That is a very interesting choice of study, i was actually considering a topic somewhat simular to that. Thank you for answering my questions. i hope you take care as well.
from minstrelite :
You know, you are so right and I am so glad you posted that note. I just checked my online banking and someone had deposited $140 into my account--it had to have been Rob, because that's exactly twice the amount I had asked for. What a friend!
from coldandgray :
Welcome to clouds D-ring!
from missfickles :
Hi! Thanks for joining the fuck-fashion diaryring! :3
from ethereal-red :
Well, I'm still proud of you. I know the whole talking like you're better and all motivated thing, though. I tend to do that sometimes. It's a lot easier to talk than it is to do, so I can understand that. Know that I'm behind you all the way!
from ethereal-red :
I am SO proud of you! I know your fear, and understand how frightening this all is. I must say that you have way more willpower regarding dumping the self-injury. I'm still clinging to it like a baby clings to its blanket. I'm glad that the info I gave you about that book helped and that you are able to adopt that information for your own uses. NOW. If only I could do the same thing...
from beautigirl :
Oh no! The story is just something someone made up about some dude who went gulfing with his friends, then they did some bar hopping and got drunk. The dude finally met a chick at a bar. He had a one night stand with her and they shaved each other. He found out a couple weeks later she gave him a disease. Then a month or so later he found his room mate with the same chick. Oh god I would never pick up a stranger at a bar.
from inundation :
Hi, I checked my notes, it looks like you left me a message a long time ago. I wanted to say thank you for stopping by...and i'm sorry i haven't been writing anything latley. Was trying to run away from someone. I enjoyed youre journal and found a lot of myself in it. Thank you. I hope you visit me again sometime!
from beautigirl :
Are you crazy? :D It was just a story. If I knew that many hockey players, I would die.
from ethereal-red :
Amy is in the group home for schizoaffective disorder and some serious chemical dependency problems. The book "Life Without Ed" is quite interesting. The author, Jenni, names her eating disorder Ed. She takes all her ED thoughts, all the urges, everything, and makes it his thoughts, his urgings, everything- so, basically, it's a whole person inside her head. There are actual conversations going on between Jenni and Ed. I guess it's a whole line of therapy, as she's in individual therapy with a therapist, Thom, who uses the "Ed" therapy stuff with her and she's also in a group where the whole concept of the ED as a person is used. To fight the eating disorder, you must fight Ed. And you can win in time. I don't know how else to explain it... you really have to read the book. It's "Life Without Ed" by Jenni Schaefer and Thom Rutledge.
from ethereal-red :
Ugh. I got the same thing from my therapist- the "how committed to recovery are you?" question. I can understand the 50/50- I was there for a long time. Now I'm 90/10, with the 90 being pro-recovery, but the 10% is so strong. And so tempting. And so scary. I hope you get to stay with your therapist.
from xeison :
Hi, im sorry to bother you, but i was wondering if i may ask you two questions. First of all, im sorry if you did not want me to, it was extremely disrespectful of me to do without asking, but i read your entry in your diary, may i ask, are you a social worker? If you are mad about this, you can yell at me or something if you want, im not sure how i can really make it up to you, i promise i wont do it again. The second question, in the other diary you made, Sadhaven, how exactly does it work, these public diaries? If you do not want to answer these questions you do not have to, and you can just tell me so, im sorry to have bothered you and infringed on your privacy. i hope you are doing ok.
from minstrelite :
Oh, but it won't be easy. I'm glad I'm making it *sound* easy though. But I think we both know we're going to have to work to get there.
from purplebanana :
Ha, thanks for your wonderful note. If anyone had any real conception of how much of our time is spent talking about poop, I think their brain would explode.
from inprivate :
You're not alone in the fact that you love your nieces more than you can comprehend. I met my baby (my niece) the day she was born and I love her more than words can describe. She's the only person who can really cheer me up when I'm down, I could look at her for hours (and she does the same!).
from purplebanana :
Wow, that's big. Sounds like you really fought hard against your impulses and are pleased with the result. I'm pleased for you!
from minstrelite :
Well, since you asked, yes, that's how it feels, only intensified, at least in many cases. My friend Wendy has never married or had kids, and her two nieces mean the world to her. Me myself, sometimes I develop fatherly feelings for students, etc., and people other than my own daughter, especially now that she's on her own, and clearly setting about to make her own choices and stick by them.
from beautigirl :
Aww, thanks for the note. It's usually something that passes quickly. Sounds like a nice little reunion you will be having tomorrow. Have fun with that. -Jenna
from kelly :
It's freezing rain all over the place here! Hope your drive home is a safe one! Be careful:)
from minstrelite :
Ooops--I left you this ealier note last night, but I put it in my own notes by mistake: "Bummer. I mean, if either the hospital had taken care of it, or at least the bill had gone to your own address, there'd have been no need for them to know. Being a parent myself, I know what it is like to over-react, and to have to let go, even when it's hard. Hopefully they'll be able to do that." (That was in reply to your last note about the bill of course.)
from minstrelite :
Congrats on finishing the paper! Happy traveling!
from minstrelite :
Oh, and I meant to add (to the note below) that I do see that they probably have control issues.
from minstrelite :
Yes, I do see your point of view now. You're an adult, I assume, and you shouldn't have to tell your parents everything. And, like you said, it would have worried them one way or the other. I also see their point of view, of not finding out about it until an ambulance bill arrived, I guess at their door? That's the confusing part. It seems like you should have received the bill yourself. If you had, maybe they'd have never needed to have known. (I might be missing something here, though.)
from minstrelite :
Your parents will calm down. As you perceived, they are acting out of impulse to something unexpected, something that has a negative aura attached to it. I agree, however, that you ought not to have concealed the information from them. It would have been difficult to divulge initially, but more problems were created than necessary by holding back. Now there are trust issues coming into play, etc. Ugly stuff. But next time (hopefully there won't be a next time) you'll be stronger, and you'll be honest with them. Hmmm. I also predict that once they recognize how fully you were victimized and violated, they'll feel bad for having put the blame on you, and they'll become more snesitive and compassionate.
from watty :
Thanks for leaving me the note. When I was eight years old, I used to draw this cartoon character whose head was shaped like a watermelon. So, I called him watermelon head. That was a mouthful, so I shorted in to watty. That's kind of my nickname... I've got many! It was just fitting to name my diary that. Hope you're doing well. I read about the drug-slipping incident and that must have been terrifying. *hugs* And yes, I'll get around to writing a description about you and your diary soon. ;)
from ethereal-red :
Hm. Well, for music I'll listen to anything that does not include rap, hip-hop, R&B, light rock and country. My favorite bands include Evanescence, Green Day, Coldplay, REM and The Cranberries. I'm also a fan of KORN and Alanis Morisette. Oh, and Tori Amos and Fiona Apple. So, a wide variety. I leave the group home in either 60 days or 90 days depending on what my insurance (medical assistance) will grant me. I'd love to be a psychiatrist but am horrible at math. I mean, I'd never pass the MCAT (the test you take to get into medical school)- after the ECT, I have trouble doing basic division. There is a big section on the exam of pure calculus. Realistically, I would never pass it. So that dream is no more. I plan on being a psychologist, so getting a BA and MA in psychology when I go back to school (which I am committed to doing). I am hoping that I will be able to help others as much as people have helped me. I'd love to specialize in DBT. After the group home, given that I do not end up in the hospital, I will move into an apartment that is already picked out for me. I'd slowly phase in a part-time job when I'm stable enough to do so, which is something that I am looking forward to. Again, when I'm stable enough to do so, I'd phase in going back to school, starting with just taking one or two classes at a time. I have a long way to go before all of that happens, but I am trying to believe in myself (which is terribly difficult). Maybe, just maybe, there is some hope for me. Maybe.
from ethereal-red :
Ugh. That would be a sticky, uncomfortable situation to be in when your friend asked you that. Best of luck with the white magick!
from ethereal-red :
I used to be into Wicca, but I'm not anymore. I am unsure of where my beliefs stand. I'm really confused about so many things right now.
from ethereal-red :
Very, VERY interesting! Thanks so much for sharing your beliefs! I'm glad that you have found something that fits you.
from getinline :
Thanks so much for your sweet note and the add!! It made my day :) Hope all is well with you!
from for-you-only :
The part of me that's hurt hides so well far beneath so many other emotions and responsibilties I don't think I am capable of hurting "with" anyone. It only seems to come out when I'm alone, and it's night, and it's dark and all that illuminates anything is this computer screen. Then somehow, I pull another self out of me and pour it into my writing. Sometimes, I'm not even sure where it's all coming from. I guess I'm just used to pulling my darkest emotions out in my writing. It's a real chalenge to write something profound that's the least bit happy sounding. That might just be me though. *hugs* I hope you're alright. ~Phoenix
from ethereal-red :
I see. They dramatize it all. I've heard a million times that one must make the change for oneself in order for it to stick. I think that's very difficult, myself.
from ethereal-red :
See, my mom and dad and sisters already know. They found out the bad way by seeing my cuts a long time ago. I remember the first time they discovered me was awful, so I know how you feel. They stopped making me promise not to do it again. Sometimes I lie to them if they ask if I've cut lately, and sometimes I don't. Now, all they do is shake their heads.
from ethereal-red :
Here's a DBT website that may be helpful to you: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/index.html
from kungfukitten :
Yeah, he sounds like a freak. Don't send naked pictures to anyone or you'll end up regretting it later. Want them e-mailed to your parents or posted publicly? Don't learn things like that the hard way! Or at least don't have your face in the picture. This Jason guy sounds like a sexual predator. You can do better! :)
from ohjamie :
omg, pleeeeease stay in public places or have someone with you at all times. If possible, have campus security escort you when it's dark out
from purplebanana :
I'm sorry, but anyone who would ditch you because you had a disability is a jackass. Their loss. I think you're fab!
from razor-vixen :
I agree with Heidi. I just read both posts (the previous one about meeting him, and now how he doesn't want to meet you). This is wrong that he doesn't want to meet in a public place. And I wouldn't go for a drive with him, that is just too scary. Try not to be too upset, he obviously is a jerk. And no, he doesn't want to have a relationship and get married (because you would not talk about "eating someone out" the first time you meet them and then having them be in a serious relationship, that just doesnt' happen very often). You need to be a little more careful and a little less trusting. Guys who start off right away with sex talk, that's usually all they want.
from heidiann :
Hey sweetie! So because you asked I will give you my honest opinion. If someone acts controlling after a day and a half it's a huge red flag that you need to stay aware of. And, I am BEGGING you, do NOT get into a car with him. If he doesn't want to meet you and hang out somewhere public...there's a reason. Getting into a car with a guy who is attempting to control you already and, for some reason, won't stay in public is incredibly dangerous. If you don't feel comfortable fighting him on this point (which is also a red flag) at least have your friends follow the two of you when you're driving. Please please please put your safety first. Even the best oral in the world isn't worth risking what could happen when you get into a car with a complete stranger. Keep me posted okay? Because if you don't I'll go mad with worry!! Take care. xoxo
from ethereal-red :
Um... I don't have any experience with guys (or girls, for that matter) so I can't help you in that area. I do, however, wish you the best of luck.
from ethereal-red :
Okay. DBT is all about learning life skills that help with "emotion regulation". There are four (I think four) modules that you go through in a skills group, each module containing different sets of skills that you go through and learn and practice your ass off on. There are lots of anagrams to help you remember things. DBT was created solely by this lady named Marsha Linnehan, a psychologist. DBT comes with a certain set of assumptions, a couple of them being "you are doing the absolute best that you can" and "you are committed to change towards a more positive and fulfilling life". Now, everybody slips up, especially me, so these things aren't rock solid and you will not get kicked out if you don't fulfill them from time to time. You are expected to work hard, to attend the group sessions, to do the homework, to ask for help with needed, etc, etc. DBT is totally different from most other forms of therapy and is specially geared towards those with borderline personality disorder. It is proven to reduce symptoms and drastically reduce hospital stays and length of hospital stays. DBT therapy is intensive and lasts at least one year. It's tough, I can grant you that, but it's worth it. I have learned more applicable things in two and a half months of DBT than I have in six years with my outside therapist, who did strictly congnative behavioral therapy (CBT). Ideally, one would also see a specially trained DBT therapist once a week for individual therapy as well. Usually, these people are availible on-call 24/7 (literally) for when you need help. The whole set of things- the skills group, the individual therapy, and the therapist being on call 24/7- is proven to work better than just a skills group. I mean, how can you really learn those skills if you don't have an individual therapist working with you on them and using DBT therapy with you? Anyways, that's a big chunk of what DBT is. And, hey- feel free to email me whenever. It's silverbean3@hotmail.com
from ethereal-red :
I'm so glad that your relationship with your dad has improved so drastically and that things are finally settling down in that area. I know the feeling of regret from cutting but I am proud of you for committing to no self-injury anymore. I know it will be rocky, it always is, but I also have confidence that you will make it through.
from beautigirl :
It's actually due next week, but I'mhanding it a couple of days early to get some extra marks. It's awesome when teachers are like that. So if you can give me some of those notes or whatever when you get time, send them to the athletic email --the new one. TodayI caught that girl trying to read my diary again. She just won't go away. I'm sure you know who I'm talking about. Stay strong. Talk to you later.
from ethereal-red :
I need a cocktail of meds to keep me as stable as possible. I can't just be on one medication. I wish it was that simple for me. Right now, I'm on Remeron (anti-depressant), naltrexone (anti-impulsivity), Lamictal (mood stabilizer), Adderall (stimulant), Abilify (atypical anti-psychotic) and then just some Nexium for my reflux and a nose spray (desmopressin) for some bladder problems that came from being on Clozaril.
from ethereal-red :
I've been on Effexor, but it was a long time ago. I cannot be off meds. I have a hard enough time staying alive as it with them. I do, however, wish you the best of luck with going off of your meds. I hope it works out okay. I find DBT to be extremely helpful. It's tremendously difficult, but it's worth it. It helps me more than six years of therapy with my outside therapist did. We did CBT. It was helpful for some things but not for the large majority of my symptoms. She never picked up on the fact that I have BPD. My psychiatrist did. For the longest time I was terrified of what it is and felt like a total freak because of it, but now that I've educated myself, I feel a little more secure with myself regarding that diagnosis.
from minstrelite :
We talked about DBT, but they pretty much had figured that CBT was best for me. A friend of mine who thought I was BPD gave me a DBT workbook last year, but when I read it, I didn't really think I showed the symptoms. The doctors always say I'm bipolar, and a specific kind of bipolar, which is Bipolar One/Hypomanic. (They know more about this kind of thing than one's friends.) Anyway, good luck with the DBT.
from minstrelite :
Thanks for noting me back. I think you're doing really well, considering the dynamics of the situation. It will, like you said, be good when you get into therapy. My therapist, and the particular type of therapy (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) has been helping me a lot these past three months.
from minstrelite :
Well, I think the main thing for you will be not to listen to those voices that don't ring true, but to listen to your own inner voice. Only you know what is best for you, and as you practice Buddhism, you will begin to recognize that the answers lie within you. I don't say that to be mysterious, it's just what happens. Also, it is very natural that you should feel hurt and resentful that your mother was taken away from you at such an early age, and against your will you were forced to live with a stepmother who could never replace your real mother. Despite personalities of any sort, the very set-up breeds conflict and tension. So I wouldn't pay her too much heed. Easier said than done, I know. But my feeling is you are on the right track as long as you take care of You.
from take-two :
Hey, thanks for reading. My Life is well... interesting is one way of putting it. Can I just live happily ever after already? Cross your fingers!
from minstrelite :
Um, I don't know if I can describe it. Psychologists have a term for it, that they use with their patients. Christian people (some) call it "detached love." You still have good will toward people, but you don't let them mess you up. (Don't know if that helps. I'm just groping for words.)
from beautigirl :
Hey, I found what you wanted, I will give you a website that recorded all his posts from VF. The site is: technaute.lapresseaffaires.com/nouvelles/texte_complet.php?id=81,12399,0,092006,1296949.html
from drowningblue :
Hey, you should read "The Places That Scare You...A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times" by Pema Chodron. My therapist recommended it to me. The author is a Buddhist nun and it's written on a type a type of Buddhist meditation and how to identify/become aware of our feelings and reshape them so we can accept ourselves. I dunno...my therapist recommended it to me because I'm really struggling with self-awareness right now. I'm not buddhist, but it's really good so far and really makes you think and evaluate a lot of things. Just something to might want look... :)
from hamiltonian :
After reading your entry I thought this quote from a favorite author of mine might help: 'ALL existence is choice. Only in aloneness there is no choice. Choice in every form is conflict. Contradiction is inevitable in choice; this contradiction, inner and outer breeds confusion and misery.'

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