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messages to mirrors-lie:
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from notspecified :
how are you going? please update.
from ethereal-red :
I for one am glad you are okay. I know you're not glad... but I am.
from writergrrl88 :
*hugs* I'm so sorry to hear you're going through so much. I hope you will consider finding another therapist, but even if you don't, just know that we (your friends on DL and everyone else in your life) care about you.
from ethereal-red :
I'm sorry your friend died. There are no words to describe how tragic it is when somebody dies from an ED!
from notspecified :
can i ask why you were in hospital? was it for yr ED?
from bamstroker :
thank god you're alright. you've been in my thoughts a lot since your last entry. quite a few people over at TF were hoping you'd pull through. we're all rooting for you. i'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
I am sorry you are still so sick... it truly does make me hurt to see you in such pain, even though I do not know you in real life, and I don't even know you very well at all in online life. I am glad you are alive. Please stay that way. ~~Emily
from dimstar :
God, it makes me so sad to see you in so much pain, still. I know how long you've been struggling. I wish I knew what to say, but the words, repeated so many times, I know, are lost to you at this point. I am always here for you. Gwen
from bamstroker :
are you okay hon? please update us.
from shadow-s :
I hope you are okay. Please update.
from just-fine :
:( So worried about you girl. I really hope you are /safe/ atleast, i am so sorry you felt the need to do this. Love you xxx
from writergrrl88 :
Please, please stay. You deserve to find happiness ... and to live.
from fake-angelic :
are you still online, erica? i hope youre ok. i mean i know youre not, but i want you to be. please please please dont do anything stupid, yeah?
from flawsnall :
Hey hun, I hope everything is going well with you... I've added you as a favorite diary and I think it's only fair that you have access to mine. My email is shawniesokoo@Yahoo.com if you're interested in a password to my diary. Take care.
from fake-angelic :
what do you mean, "i have no friends"? im yr friend!
from bananaslugs :
I just wanted you to know that you look really beautiful when you're not underweight.
from fake-angelic :
youve always got me.
from fake-angelic :
how about a mobile number?
from fake-angelic :
do you have facebook, erica?
from dimstar :
I so want you to be okay. (((hugs))) You are more important than a number. I know it is so difficult to see, but no one wants you to be this way, no one but you cares how much you weigh. You are better than this. I don't want you to die :(
from newschick :
how the hell did you lose that amount of weight so quickly?????!!!
from bamstroker :
*hugs*
from fake-angelic :
no, i recognised you first via yr appearance, i.e., yr face, and then saw the crutches second. i dont think you have changed heaps, and certainly not disgusting, i think you looked very pretty with yr hair out.
from fake-angelic :
hey erica, i saw you at H station today, outside easy way. i knew it was you because you were on crutches. im sorry i didnt ask you how you were doing. i just had injections into my gums and couldnt speak properly. but im sure there will be a next time. xxx.
from fake-angelic :
yeah, well, im ignorant. actually i read more about it the other day at work, so i DO know about it :D and that board is dead because it's only just been set up. here's the url since you lost it: http://www.edf.org.au/forum/
from fake-angelic :
i don't remember which month it was either, but it must have been clsoe to when you were admitted to hospital. whereabouts is RPA? i don't think i've heard of it before. you're lucky you got a room to yourself, i had to share with someone else when i was at lindsay madew. by the way, i do volunteer work at EDF, and i was looking at the member's list for a new internet forum they recently set up, and i saw someone there by the name of mirrors-lie. is that you?
from dimstar :
Erica :) No, don't be sorry at all! I love getting notes from you. I really do care about you and I was so worried when you didn't update... Honestly I feared the worst :( And though I am sad that you aren't doing well I am really happy that you are still here. I understand missing TF. When you have no one who understands, TF is there :( Please keep in touch with me. I worry and care so much. xx
from chalet-lines :
ERICA!!! good g-d it is so wonderful to finally hear from you. how are you doing, princess? i love you and have missed you, you're never far from my thoughts. i'm praying life is getting better? yours, always, rhia
from bamstroker :
sure, i'll send you the passes then. :) i just found a thread on this- on the 24th, one of the admins said it would take about a week for registration to reopen- i think they close registration when they get backed up accepting people and weeding out spam bots, according to her post. if it doesn't open again in a few days, i'll message her, but it sounds like registration will be up and running very soon. :)
from bamstroker :
tf had another major crash and everything was lost, so they had to start from scratch in early '06 with a new host. i wasn't sure if you were brought up, and i wanted to ask if anyone had news but didn't remember if you used the same username on tf as on here- i just did a search for it, and a bunch of people said they were wondering where you are and were worried back in like january and february '06 in the missing members thread, and possibly later too since there's like 32 pages in the thread. it's weird the site won't let you re-register! i hope you figure that out, and let me know if i can help in any way.
from bamstroker :
oh my god, wow- i've just been thinking of you lately. i rejoined tf and recalled your posts there three years ago and reading your entries here, and i was so worried about what happened to you when i didn't see you around anymore. god, i hope you're doing better now and that you're alright, and i really hope to hear more from you soon. you're in my thoughts. please take care, sweetie. *hugs*
from dimstar :
I missed you so much! The tf thing... I cannot get on either. I just came back to diaryland recently. I heard from someone that the server crashed a long time ago and those of us not around who didn't re-register are locked out :/ I can't get on either. I am so glad you are still on earth Erica. How are you?
from fake-angelic :
after seeing you that day i regretted forgetting to ask you for yr mobile number. after you told me about the police i knew that you were probably in hospital somewhere. most likely lindsay madew, but i wasnt certain. i wanted to come and visit you but i didnt know what i would say to you, and whether you would want to talk to a complete stranger. i do hope youre alright now. take care of yrself, yeah?
from ethereal-red :
I'm so glad you updated. I, too, had worried that you were dead.
from dimstar :
I am sooo glad that you updated Erica. I was so worried you had died :( I hope you are doing okay... I am sorry these two years have been so difficult for you. I am here for you, never forgot you. All my love, Gwen
from ethereal-red :
Erica... it has been almost two years since you last updated. I fear you are dead. I hope I am wrong.
from scotvalkyrie :
Erica, it's been almost two years since you've updated; I really hope you're okay. Please let us know what's happening.
from fake-angelic :
hey, erica, remember me? im the girl you met at coles =D
from come--undone :
Erica - it's Sasha here. I know we haven't spoken in ages, but I always keep checking back here, every week, to read how you are. Soon it will be a year since you last updated, and I am so worried about you. I keep checking every week, hoping that this week will be the one where you'll post. Please...if you're still with us, please post an update. I think about you every day and I'm getting so sad and worried now. *HUGS* I pray that you're okay. xxx
from mandieolivia :
i really pray that you are okay. i am scared for you, too.
from larryfromca :
Erica, I don't know you, but your story has moved me ever since I saw a link to your diary and your progress and your struggles. Being an obese person myself and one with body and eating issues, your story has really moved me. In fact, I just joined this site so I could comment, though I may opt to use my diary in the future. I just want to say that I'm probably one of thousands that is moved by your story and your entries and hope that you are doing okay and hope that you'll update soon and let us know if you're still with us. A lot of people care about you, even if they haven't met you, just by the words you've written, the heartfelt words. Well that is all. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
from dimstar :
I am so scared for you. I hope you are still with us.
from chalet-lines :
i;m so worried about you, Erica. *please* update. even just a sentence to let us know you're still here. tf is back up if you could pm me or email - rhiannonswings2@yahoo.com - anything, Erica, please? i love you to the ends of the earth and back again. always remember that.
from like-giants :
It's been months since you've posted anything. I hope you're okay.
from chalet-lines :
missing you terribly, my Erica. and hating everyone in your life. they're all fucking worthless. i love you, angel, just remember that. whatever happens, i always will.
from cbuk :
Hey - It's Leila here - You know, frail-fairy. This is my new journal just so that you know! I went away for a long while, but I'm back! Mail me - it would be nice to hear from you again! L xx
from dimstar :
Sometimes people are too afraid to say anything in fear it will only make things worse. Im so glad you updated, even if it was a small entry. Im always terrified when you dont and I never stop thinking of you. 99 is too small. Im amazed you are still alive. All my love goes out to you. ~Gwen
from alexiaaa :
I was thinking about you today wondering if you are ok. Please take care, 99 is way too low. I am glad at least your a bit happier or so it seems, even if it is about loosing. Take care ((hugs))
from chalet-lines :
if i could save you, sweetheart, i would. i swear it. and so many others would, too. it's not for lack of wanting that we don't. please know that. i love you. you're in my heart and thoughts forever and always, Erica.
from healthychick :
Still here and caring what happens to you. Please be strong.
from fat-princess :
wow what can i say...firstly just look at all the notes you have recieved and how many people who dont even really know you care so much!! I feel for you so so much and i wish nobody has to go through the kind of things that you do. i know that your not in a good place- which i think you havent been in for a long long time? i never thought id say this...but is losing weight really worth this??!....(This is coming from a person who at 1 point in my life would have given ANYTHING to be thin, obviously i still restrict to the best of my abilities every single day and food rules my life BUT after reading your diary i truely believe that you have saved me from ever falling into the trap of going too far). take care x
from luckeme :
I see that you like the movie "Girl, Interrupted." Have you ever asked or researched borderline personality disorder? You have a lot of the symptoms and you would definitely fit regarding social upbringing (ex. mom being emo abusive and dad being abusive.) It might be something you would want to look into. It would also help if you realised why you do the things you do. Educating yourself is a huge step in over-coming mental and emotional disorders. When coupled with psychotherapy and medication therapy, it can do wonders, but everyone is different. I'm going to quit sounding like a damn commercial. I was reading someone elses diary and you were linked as a friend, Erika, and I clicked because I saw your name was the same as mine, and spelled with a K, but now I see it's with a C. ;) So. Anyways. Good luck.
from alexiaaa :
I wait for your enteries, wondering whats happened, you make me worry so much. i hate reading about how much pain your in, my heart goes out to you. Please make an appointment and throw out your pills, it isnt worth it. Please, im begging...
from midnytemyst :
I don't know what to say. I am worried about you as we all are. Please hang in there, and try to fight this thing. *big hugs* Midnyte
from mylifenhell :
I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. I wish you didnt feel so horrible. My heart goes out to you. I dont know if you remember me... email me if you dont.
from midnytemyst :
I totally understand what you are going thru. Just know that if you want to talk to someone, I am here. You are much braver that I could ever be as I cannot put my "before or after" pictures up on the net. If you want I can send you pictures so you can see what I mean.
from chalet-lines :
shit. Erica i worry so about you. i always think i can't worry any harder and then i read another update. i love you always, more than i can say.
from healthychick :
Please get some help. Please do something. There are strangers like me who care for you and your health. Take a big step and take control of your life, show everyone your in control and beat this ed. Be strong.
from dimstar :
I am so worried about you. I know you are so much better than this. I remember you fighting against it and now I see that you have given in. I know deep down that you don't like it and you are scared. I wish I could save you. I am so worried. Truly. I've been reading your diary forever and you must know that I feel like I know you. I could cry right now because I feel helpless and I want to save you Erica. Please try to do something good for yourself today. I'm here. xoxo Gwen
from mylostdream :
I don't know if you know me - nothinglovely from TF (melissa is my real name) - but I'm always reading. I always care. Just wanted to let you know that.
from ethereal-red :
I read your entry today, as I always do when you update, and I felt two things at the same time. One, I felt jealous of your weight and BMI when I am so far from those numbers right now. Two- most importantly- I felt intense sadness. I don't know you, but I certainly don't want you to die, and as you are quite aware of, you are heading towards death. I looked at your pictures a few days ago, and I honestly don't know what to say. Thank you for putting them online. You have far more courage regarging that than I do.
from dimstar :
My God Erica, I am so worried about you I don't even know what to say. Your words say you have given up. :'( I feel like I know you and it pains me deeply. I just wish... I wish you were happy. You do not deserve this. I am just so glad you updated. I've been waiting. I want to help so much but I am helpless. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you. I won't hesitate. Love, Gwennie
from alexiaaa :
Im so worried about you mirrors, from what you write you dont sound like your doing very well. Please hang on and go IP. Its for the best, youve struggled enough, please let someone help you. Hugs.. Alex
from dimstar :
Oh God, don't think of it that way. Think of it as a new beginning, a new start. You aren't going to die, you aren't. You have lived through this much. I so wish I could save you. You can do it Erica. Please, reach out for help. I know it is scary, but you need it. (((hugs))) I am so so scared... Speechless. xoxo Gwen
from mslola :
i am really worried about you. i too know what it is like to move out on a whim and no have anything, anyone, or money. it is hard, but you have to find a way to seperate out ED problems and life problems. i too have the problem of blaming my ED for every let down, giving it too much credit and power over my life.
from ethereal-red :
Erica, you're right, your GP *was* out of line and still is. She had no right to try to fix you up with your old psychiatrist. You don't have to see her, even if there are appointments made (especially since they were made without your consent). Pam did write back, even if it took awhile, but I can understand and validate your anger for her. I'm glad it was a positive letter, even though there were many things that you are uncomfortable with about it. I just wish I could fix your relationship with her and make everything okay for you... and it really hurts that I can't. Write me anytime- wall0517@umn.edu. ~Emily
from dimstar :
She won't give up on you. I was so happy to see you you know where ;) I care about you so much and to see anything posted by you makes me so happy... I just worry about you so much. I know it sounds odd, but I pray for you every day. I worry about you constantly. I don't want this to destroy you. Erica, there is so much potential for you that you do not see at this point. No matter how hard you try, I will not give up on you and some never will. xoxo gwen
from bamstroker :
*hugs* i wish i could take away all your pain. you don't deserve this.
from ethereal-red :
I know this probably sounds hollow to you, especially since I've never seen you or talked to you in person, but I have faith in you. You deserve a life so much better than the one you have now. Don't dump your therapist. You need her more than you know and she *does* care. Taking Friday off doesn't mean that she doesn't give a shit about how difficult the weekend will be for and how there's a holiday on Monday. I know it's hard, but these people- your therapist and mine, I mean- are professionals, and it's technically a boundary issue for them to tell us how much they care. As for the letter... it really wasn't as harsh as you think, at least not to me, and just because she didn't reply immediately doesn't mean she won't reply ever. Ask her about it if you want if you need some kind of answer for you. Again, please don't stop seeing your therapist. You need her help, guidance and ability to listen nonjudgementally. I'll be thinking about you, Erica.
from dimstar :
Erica, you are so much more than you will ever see. Please, do not give up. And that letter... It really does not sound as cruel as you make it out to be. If anything it sounds like you are struggling, big time, and that you have lost hope. I wish I could give you your hope back. I know you still have that sparkle; it hasn't died. Don't give up fighting. Never ever give up. Because we go through these things for a reason, and they make us more empathetic to mankind. Please take the best care of yourself that you can at this point. I know you can pull through this. It has been a long, horrible battle, but I believe in you. I never stopped. I always will believe in you. Now please, don't give up on yourself. Believe in the abilities which you have almost given up on. I know you can get better. A hug from California. xoxo Gwen
from just-fine :
I just wanted to tell you that your never far from my thoughts, i am wishing and hoping with all i can that life gets better for you, because you don't deserve one second of this hell. Love, hugs and all those squishy squashy things, Claire xxxxxxxx
from midnytemyst :
It tears me up inside when I read your diary. The hurt and pain you feel reach across the thousands of miles that separate us and hit me in the heart like an arrow straight and true. I've read your diary and followed your ups and downs through webshots since you started posting. I figured it was about time I left you a note. You do have people who care about you and what happens to you. You may not be able to see these people everyday but we are here. By posting in your diary, you are reaching out to us and we are out here reaching back to you. Many of the people leaving you notes here can relate to you because of their similiar experiences and feelings. Just remember you are not as alone as you may feel.
from alexiaaa :
oh mirrors if only you could read this from anther veiw and see how much your hurting and how desperate you sound for someone or something to save you from your torment. I really dont know what to tell you except that you deserve a better life. Please realise that people care about you and love you.
from snowcanwait- :
Oh, Doll. You're too beautiful.
from alexiaaa :
Hi erica, Im so worried about you cause you havent writen in you diary for like 14 days now.. I hope your ok, keep hanging in there and Stay away from Dr sheriden.. lol PM me if you need to talk
from dimstar :
I am worried for you. I wish I could help. Please Erica, keep fighting. It will be worth it. You will get better. Do not let this take you. I am here for you. I really, really wish I could do more. I want to give you a hug, tell you things will be okay, make everything right. Fight like you have never fought before. Take care. (((hugs)))
from just-fine :
That letter was beautiful. I really hope this next year is better for you. xxxxxxx
from justdesserts :
Happy Belated Birthday :-)
from aprylart :
I stumbled upon your diary yesterday and returned today to write you a message. Today is your birthday, and as much as I want to wish you a happy birthday, I see that it isn't going to be that happy for you. My wish for you then, is a happier birthday next year. My wish is that there will be a next year. I hope and pray that your pain will be lessened that that you will become the woman that you dream of being. My heart goes out to you, April
from dimstar :
Erica, I am so glad to see that you updated. I worry about you all the time, looking at your name, wondering how many days will go by until you update. I don't want to push you to do so if you aren't feeling well though... Your mom's letter was beautiful. This eating disorder is not your fault, and they know it. But you have to fight. Please don't give up. So much to this world will be lost if something happens to you. You are one of the kindest people I have ever had the honor of being in touch with. Go to therapy, at least call her. Don't give up. It isn't useless. You deserve so much better than the hand that has been delt you. Take care of yourself. Please. (((hugs))) gwen
from kateem :
Please hang in there and be strong. By the way - I am one person that checks if you are alive. I don't leave notes, but I worry. (I thought I should leave one tonight.) Us Aussie chicks have to watch out for each other. I know what it's like to have your Mum say - "O.k., we're selling the house." It was the only stability that I had. But that was 11 years ago and I've found my own way in life slowly by surely. It's quite a funny story if you'd like me to tell you about it one day. But the future has it's funny ways of opening doors to us. You never know what nice circumstances you may fall on. Just wait for the moment and see what happens. About your weight - I am sure that everyone around CAN see. You've been down this road before, they've seen it before. I'd say that most people who know you are scared shitless at the moment and can't bring themselves to talk about it with you. I know you want the acknowledgement, but maybe finally they have realised that voicing the topic makes you go even further?? Just a guess. Serious question for you ----- What would happen if people said to you everyday " You're losing too much weight. You're going backwards. We're scared." Would it make a difference? Would it help you or feel like a slap in the face? Anyway, I hope you update soon. I'm always keen to know how things are. Bottom line is - there's people that care about you even if you don't know it. xxxxx Kate (Mrs. Ex - Melbourne.)
from justdesserts :
I wish I could smile and laugh with you. I'm in a bit of a different position from you right now, but I know a lot of what you are going through (i'm sure you're tired of hearing that and probably feel like no one really has a clue what you're going through, but just know that you aren't alone). It's crazy how when you're first starting down the path of an ED, you can never imagine just how long it's going to drag on. Hang in there!
from shan-nee :
Erica, I am sure you don't know who I am but I have been reading your diary and reading your posts at TF. I think since you became a member. I wish so badly there was something I could say or do to help you. I wish you could see what a truly wonderful person you are, and what a kind & loving heart you have. Please don't forget that there ARE indeed people who love and care about you. People that DO notice the pain you are in. Sometimes it is just hard to see those people and sometimes you might not even know them. I hope so badly that you are able to get better. *shanna*
from just-fine :
I'm so sorry your feeling like this. I know what you mean by 'my thoughts are killing me' sometimes i just want a clear head, for the torturous voices to leave, but they never do. I haven't forgotten you and i care an awful lot, i'm always here if you need to talk or have some one listen. Please hang in there angel, the world needs you in it. xxx
from dimstar :
Erica, you are right, this has consumed too much of your life. It cannot be your life any longer. Don't give up. Really, really work towards recovery. It will be hard, but try to step away from the scale, know what you see in the mirror is distorted, and remember that you have our support. I am always here for you, and I always have been. I will never give up on you. I care about you so much. Please, take care of yourself. You are such a beautiful soul, it makes me want to cry at the injustice you suffer by this eating disorder. Take care of yourself. xoxo Gwen
from writergrrl88 :
i hope you get better. you are a beautiful woman (looking at your face in all the photos, regardless of your age or weight, tells me that) and you deserve to be happy and healthy. ~lita~
from bamstroker :
i wish i was near you.. i'd be there for you and give you a hug everytime you needed one. i know you're scared- i am too, it is a horrible feeling, but you're not alone. seriously. i've never even met you but i care about you and will help in any way i can. *hugs* you are in my thoughts, and i think you're a lovely human being.
from chalet-lines :
Erica, i love you so very much. you're such a beautiful, sweet, special person and you deserve a real life. i hope you are in hospital now, getting yourself looked after. i have your note that you wrote me last year, at new year's, it touched me so. this year is your year. it has to be. i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you.
from insane-whore :
Good luck with everything ♥ You're a very strong and admirable person
from dimstar :
I wish you the best of luck of sweetie. I know that you can do this. It is to help you. Please don't fight the system. It will only make it harder for you. I am fighting for you. xoxo Gwen
from dimstar :
You do need to go in the hospital. If you get nothing else out of it, at least you will feel physically better. It is so sad to hear how hard you are struggling. Remember, just because your BMI is normal doesn't mean that you aren't very ill. And we all care about you. Please, take care of yourself. You are worth so much more than you see.
from suzza :
Hi. I don't know if you remember me, but I'm sorry you're going through such a tought time. Life hurts, but I really hope you have the strength to be here for christmas, and much longer after that. Living well is the best revenge; I mean.. you're worth it. The fact that these two people both care about you - even if it's in different ways- is a testimony to your worth. I read when you update, you're on my list. Love,Amanda.
from s-u-s-u :
Hi, I just checked out your photo album for 2003-2004. It's hard to believe those are all from the same year. I enjoy your diary so much. No, enjoy isn't the right word. I don't enjoy the fact that you're suffering, I wish you weren't. But it's nice to hear from you. I wish that you find peace and strength.
from numb-thepain :
*hugs* you can do this hun. just hold on.
from dimstar :
Erica, I care about you too, so much. And it hurts to see you hurting as well. You need IP more than I do. I wish that I could help you, I wish that I knew the right things to say. I am basically a void at this point, a royal bitch from high sugars and constant purging, but I tear up when I read your diary. It is all I can do not to burst into tears. Because you are such a beautiful person, inside and out, so empathetic and sensitive, and you don't deserve this. Please, please, don't give up on life. Keep fighting. Because I need you, and you are needed. (((hugs))) Please... xoxo Gwen
from small-one :
hi. i found you via dimstar. and, i looked at your photos. i just want to say "WHOA!" as my heart hurts for you. i do hope for the best, even if it sounds generic. ;o)
from fake-angelic :
sorry, i tend to do that a lot. that is, not read a persons diary before leaving them a note. i realise that you're from where i am. do you have msn, i want to get to know you better?
from fake-angelic :
i was wondering, are you from australia? i was looking at yr photos and saw that yr rubbish bin looks awfully like mine.
from leahsaloser :
hi. i just wanted to say that i can totally relate to what you're going through. i'm a preveious anorexic, who has been going through bulimia/COE for the past year. it's torture to live. i wanted to say, that i've seen your pictures (i'm from TF), and that you are so beautiful...and i'm NOT just saying that! You remind me so much of my mom, and how she looked in college, and i've always been jealous of how pretty she is. you really do have a natural beauty to you...even at every weight...except you start making my heart ache at your lowest. You look so sad. I think you would do best to stay within the 145-170 range. You look so lovely in all of those pictures. anyway, i wanted to say that because of the confusion you were going through over your therapist's suggestion as to your "set weight". ahh...i wish i could talk to you in person...our stories are almost identical except for that I'm a year behind. (i was anorexic 2000-2003, and bulimic/COE 2004). um, i'm not sure what i'm saying except that...please get well.
from numb-thepain :
hi hun... i just found your diary through a link of someone else's... and i just wanted to say that my heart aches for you and i really wish you the best... i honestly wanted to cry reading what you said about getting those pajama pants in the mail and how you felt... i feel as if this is my story im reading. i haven't read much of your journal yet but i plan to when im not right about to go to sleep. my diary's locked but if you want a password for it, you can email me at lil_miss_ruby_gloom@hotmail.com. take care, and i wish you the best. *hugs* xoxoxo - a reader
from dimstar :
Erica, you are not a failure. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. I care about you, and that is the reason I still read your diary. I barely am able to get on the internet any more, but when I can get here, I check up on you... Please sweetie, I am here for you. I wish the world for you, for everyone like you as well, and I just want things to be good. Try, please... xoxo Gwen
from chalet-lines :
Erica, you are not a failure, nor a bad person in any way. please, sweetheart, please know this. know how much you are loved and that you deserve to be. you deserve so much better than all this. i wish i could take the aching away, i swear i would if i could. i love you so much, dolly.
from me-destruitt :
You've already given me so much. I read your diary and I swear I could have written most of it myself. I've never been IP, but I've gone from overweight but with no real eating disorder, to an anoretic, to bulimic, to COE, then back to anorexia, and am currently bulimic and gaining, fighting my way back to Ana everday. Don't take this the wrong way, but it's nice to know others struggle as I do. I really wish for your peace, but your diary is helping people like me to not feel so alone. Maybe we could get well together? Just try and take care of yourself, Love. You're beautiful, inside and out. xoxo.
from fuckedvirgin :
YOU DONT HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING TO ANYONE dear ♥
from noneyouknow :
You are definitely not a bad person. Sickness has it's special way of engolfing all that is around it and turning life into blackness.
from glasssnail :
Sweety. Are you alright??? Lack of updates worries me so much.. I hope things are getting better sweety.
from dimstar :
I hope that you are okay. I hope that you update again soon. I am worried about you and I care more than I think you know. You are such a wonderful person. Please, take care of yourself. You are beautiful. I wish that I could help with more than these typed words. Please know that they come from the heart. I mean them. xoxo Gwen
from p-ennylane :
hang in there, e. i love you so much that i'm just horrified of losing you. i miss you terribly and i just wish i could fight off all your demons. PM me or whatever if you feel like it. i love you, girl. and i think of you - all . the . time .
from just-fine :
:( Please, please be okay. I read your previous entry before this latest one and i wanted to say something but just couldn't find the words, i'm so sorry. I'm sorry your in so much pain, i'm sorry everything is so hard. You don't deserve this, none of it. You seem like such a lovely person, and there is only ever going to be one of you. I'm hoping with all i can that you are okay. Claire xxx
from fatalbreath :
I'm locking it now... user/pass is fatalbreath same as my old diary.
from dimstar :
Hi Erica, its Gwen. I miss talking to you, and reading your diary is a shock. I am always worried about you, but I am glad that you are still alive. You are such a beautiful person, and I hate what this illness has done to you. I wish that I could help. Please try and take better care of yourself. You really deserve so much better. I want to help. I thought of you often while I was at UCLA. I am here for you. Let me know how your tests come back ok? And do consider going IP. You really need something. I fear for your life. You are so fragile. I will keep you in my prayers. xoxo Gwen
from fatalbreath :
Just thought I'd let you know that I'm adding you to my "buddy list" You sound beautiful, and strong. I'm inspired.
from kateem :
Hang in there darling. Life sux, doctors sux & I wish you the very best possible. Please take care of yourself. : )
from glasssnail :
Oh hunny. If you ever need anyone to talk to ever please do talk to me. If you want to talk on MSN thats great. Anything, AIM, cell, anytime. Just let me know. I know how hard it is to find someone you can open up to and I too truly value my T time, but it can be lonely for the other hours out of the week... if you need anything. I'm at appaljuizeluvzu@hotmail.com. It's VanitySnail, or.... Anne-Jessica. Please take care. :hugs:
from bamstroker :
hey honey *hugs* i've been reading your entries and i SO badly want to make everything better for you. you sound like such a beautiful, wonderful caring person and you deserve to be happy. i really hope that you will get through this, and i am positive you will because of how strong you are. please let me know if theres ever anything i can do. lots of love. xoxo.
from flowerlaces :
You have such a beautiful mind. I can see it through your words of anger and self hate. Don't be timid. Let your mind go. Write beautiful thengs, write reality. It doesn't matter how much you weigh, what matters if what you know and how you use it.
from amparo :
hi there, you dont know me but I red your last entry and it made me feel sooo sad...I can tell youre hurting so much and you want so much others to notice and support you and save you. I know how you feel about spending most of your time b/ping I was like that and my psych appts werent helping much either...I just know there has to be a way out...its not easy to find it but I know there has to be one... you say theres other ppl going thru worse things than you are cuz after all youre only b/ping and thinking bout food 24/7...thats how I used to think as well, but youre hurting as much as other ppl are and its because your ed means so much more than the weight Im sure there are so many things inside you that are making you hurt so much and the ed is helping you not feel whats inside... maybe talking to your mom or the ppl you want supprt from would be a good idea. I mean not lose anymore weight to show them youre hurting and need help, cuz you need help despite the weight loss... IM thinking of you and wish I could be more helpful. take care.
from ethereal-red :
I'm sorry that despite so many people, you are so alone and sick right now. I don't even know you and I certainly don't have a degree in medicine or psychology, but even I can see that you need to go to treatment again. Sweetheart, you are out of control and the saddest thing is that you know it... and your professionals can't see it. I feel so bad. I wish I could put you in the hospital or in residential or SOMETHING, ANYTHING and get you the help that you need.
from p-ennylane :
i'm thinking about you, hoping for you , and praying for you. you deserve so much better. you deserve only the best.
from glasssnail :
I'm glad you wrote about things that were troubling you. At least getting them out will let out a little pain. Take care hunny.
from luvcoffee84 :
Hey don't worry about all that school sh** Sometimes people are better at learning on their own. I love your journal. I wish I knew how to set up mine like that if you have any tips for me please leave me a note at:luvcoffee84 p.s. I've added you to my favorates.
from feelsnothing :
Hey! Thanks so much for letting me peek at your photos! They're great! Your story seems so interesting. I'd love to learn about how it (haha, your ED) happened to you...but dont feel pressured, I know its hard to talk about. Hugs! I'm adding you to my favorites!
from p-ennylane :
hi baby. gosh. i miss you so incredibly much. i'm sorry i haven't been around lately. and i'm so sorry i haven't been as good a friend as i should be - as good a friend as you have been to me. i know that i've let you down, e, and i don't know what it is about me - i push the people i love and care about most away. i'm worried about you through and through - i know you were so incredibly ill before, and i fear you've only gotten much worse. i wish so much that you could see what i see in you - a girl who is absolutely stunning, her beauty surpassed only by the elegance of her soul. and i wish so much that i could give to you what you have given to me - a wonderful, generous friend, one of the most cherished of all people i've met in this lifetime. i love you, e. i'm worried for you. and i hope you'll forgive me.
from feelsnothing :
hey! I was just wondering if I could see your pcitures. My email is Chan4305@yahoo.com
from s-u-s-u :
Hi, I've been reading your diary for quite a while now. I'm so sorry school hasn't gone well for you. I know you'd hoped it would be a good experience. I'm sorry your friends aren't there for you but there are a lot of people out there who do care about what happens to you. Hang in there and know you're not alone.
from fuckedvirgin :
oh dear, hang in there love <3
from frail-fairy :
Come on girl - You can get through school. Try and be more positive. It's unbelieveable what just being positive can do. I have gone through the whole weight thing on the flip side and it's not easy and to be positive is really hard... But you have the support of people who love you! You know you can email me any time! Please do, I'd love to chat! Take care - Leila x
from chalet-lines :
it matters to me. Erica, *you* matter to me. i want you to live to see all the beauty that waits for you.your mum, grandpa and everyone else round you are sick, selfish people. i am outraged beyond words, red with anger for you honey. *hugs you tight*
from chalet-lines :
i tried to pm you, but it said your box was all stuffed full of love ;) i just wanted you to know i am thinking of you, today (*thursday*) and always. i hope that everything goes smoothly sweetheart. *holding you tight in my heart*
from fuckedvirgin :
i wanna see your picture love
from dimstar :
Erica, I am so worried about you. I am sorry that your birthday didn't go well :( And that your mum is being so terrible. What is the voucher for that you got? I really hope that you don't start losing your hair. You would be beautiful no matter what, but I know that would make you more depressed. I wish I could help you more. You are such a beautiful soul. I know that someday you will find peace. I am always here for you. xoxo Gwen
from frail-fairy :
Would like to chat sometime... I added u to my faves... xox
from magic-dirt :
Oh hun you don’t sound well at all. Honestly, you are in NO shape to be at school. No matter how smart you are, you cant do well if you are puking and passing out and purging. Its not worth the time or the money, not to mention your health. PLEASE defer for 6 months and try to work on getting s little better so you can function properly. See your therapist or get some sort of treatment. And please try to keep some food down. I know its good to have things to do to keep busy and such but believe me I know how stressful university is and it’s the last place you need to get better. You need to nurture yourself. Love Katie.
from feelsnothing :
Hi, I "stumbled" across your diary and was wondering if I could see your pcitures feelsnothing.diaryland.com chan4305@yahoo.com
from shan2b :
I read you diary, and you doctors make me want to scream. Is it a possiblity to perhaps get different doctors? How can no one SEE the pain you are in? How can they ignore this? It makes me so sad, and I am sorry. You are a beautiful person, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
from dimstar :
I wish I was there to give you a hug. It always seems so unfair what you are going through, and the people around you are so unempathetic. It makes me want to scream and cry all at the same time. And I know how you feel about school. And I am only doing college part time, and finishing high school through independent study. I just don't know how you are doing it. I have barely done anything myself. We have exams coming soon, and I don't know a damned thing. And I can't sleep well at night either, just during the day. But I don't want to see anyone or anything. I just want to stay in my room and binge all day and never see anyone. Awww Erica, please don't od. I am here for you, and I think of you constantly. And you are not at all overweight. Some people are insensitive as hell. If you want you can come visit me. That is one thing my mom is really cool about. Please, take care of yourself. Or try. (((hugs))) xoxo Gwen
from magic-dirt :
Hey hun I’m so sorry you don’t like Tafe but at least youre going everyday! I’m always skipping uni. You should come do nursing there is like 100 girls vs 3 guys. That girl sounds like a dickhead. Oh If you don’t mind me asking, how in the hell do you loose so much weight soo quickly? Take care love.
from glasssnail :
Hey there. I'm going to add you to my favorite diaries ok? I really like your layout, and you seem a lot like me. Take care ok?
from dimstar :
I want to give your doctors a piece of mind. They need to be helping you more, and listening. At least my doctor listens to me, but yours do not seem to take you very seriously. And I hate them. Can you find another clinic to go to? How is school going? I have been so worn out and missed quite a few classes, the eternal bed bug. I hate it. I am probably going back into treatment soon. Erica, you are such a sweetie. I wish I had met you in real life, but I am sure glad to get to know you here. Please, let me know how you are ok? xoxo Gwen PS-I will be happy to give you my phone number if you want :)
from dimstar :
I wish I could be there with you. I empathize with you on practically everything. Just yesterday I told my mom I was determined to live and see my graduation. And I haven't really slept in days... Now I am exhausted. (((Hugs))) I really hope that you feel better soon. Life is too important to be weighed. I am really worried about you. xoxo Gwen
from magic-dirt :
Congrats on getting into school! xoxox
from dimstar :
Maybe you could ask your doctor for an anti-nausea medication next time you see her? I am sorry that the appt. went so terrible. I really hope that you can make it with that class schedule, but if not, don't stress about it. You have a legitimate reason. You are sick. Fuck people who don't understand that. I am worried about you Erica. You don't deserve this. You deserve to have things the way they were, before your eating disorder. I know what it is like to live in a sick body, really on the edge of death each day, and I empathize. I am here if you need to talk. My aol screename is shootingstar1day Please, take care of yourself, or at least try. You are so precious to this world, and especially to me. (((hugs))) xoxo Gwen
from chalet-lines :
try to look at the bright side, that your doc may be able to help with the vomiting, the bile, the seizures. have i mentioned how proud i am of you for school? you are so strong Erica. i wish you could see.
from keeky27 :
hey sweetie....I am sorry for your sturggles this week...I did want to say congratulations on school though....Let yourself have this...Let it be a good thing...you do deserve it!!! Make it a small happiness....Smile jsut briefly if you can at what you have accomplished.....love you hun....Sarah
from dimstar :
It makes me cry to read what you are going through as well. I want to reach out and give you a hug, and make everything better. You do not deserve this. You deserve such a better life. You are so kind and empathetic. I wish I could do more... xoxo take care of yourself.
from imanobody00 :
Hi I just read your diary and your facts and had to send you a message. I have ALOT in commen w/ you, even hate the exact same foods. Just wanted to say hello and I related to alot of what you write. I really hope you get better and am so sorry for all you have been through! *hugz*
from ponyluv :
i think that's one of the hardest things about death -- that your memories become memories of ugly death, not of life. when my horse (my childhood companion and best friend) died, all i could remember of him for such a long time was his body on the ground in the snow. lately i have been able to remember him while i am dreaming (brief, fleeting, sweet moments). your memories of your grandma will start to come back with time. <3 <3 hang in there!
from anaz-gurl :
hello just 2 let u know i am out of hospital till the 27th, so will write in my diary before then (hopefully). Take care and have a lovely Xmas (if u can). Dont let ana completely take over. Luv Sophie xxxxx
from chalet-lines :
i am waiting (impatiently =P), for the day when you end with *do you remember when i was reborn?* you will be Erica. you will begin again. promise.
from chalet-lines :
Erica, i am so angry she did not even react to the weight loss??? what is wrong with these people? what fucking insanity are they living in where what is happening to you is ok? i am fuming for you. endless tears for your sweet little Ruffles. i am holding you both in my heart.
from keeky27 :
hey Erica, I always worry when I am waiting for a new entry from you...This last entry was very graphic...and if it is you...I hope that at least writing about it gave you some peace....How are you hun...feel free to email me....
from magic-dirt :
*Sigh* okay I understand that you have issues that would make you not want to tell anyone but holy fuck, Erica. If some prick did that to me they would not get away with it. I guess im lucky that I’ve never been in that situation- a lot of people have. You don’t deserve that shit though- seriously. But ok I respect your decision. Damn dodgy public toilets lol.
from comfortm :
hey i think that it is from a movie but i got it from the mtv diary series they have where they have the actor/actress/singer whatever say that into the camera etc...then say this is the life of ....so and so...so ya...i changed it now..i change quotes frequently..but i just cant stick with the same thing for long,lol.
from comfortm :
hey the entry didnt make me uncomfortable it just made me feel awful that u had to through that.nobody should. Um what quote in my diary would that be? i've been reading ur diary for along time..and i know ur going through alot...i mean your sick,physically and no one is giving you support..especially your mother!its not your fault. Thank you for your sweet words..i know i dont have the greatest life..but i know there is someone out there worse than me..so i try not to get down..but it does get really hard... if you ever need to talk bout anything i'm here...email me,im me whatever...take care of yourself. P.S. i understand bout writing in the third person,i've been through what youve been through.xoxo
from magic-dirt :
WHAT THE FUCK?? You need to stop writing in third person so dumb asses like me can understand. Erica what the fuck happened? And this has happened before? You ARE talking about yourself aren’t you? Do you know this prick? Who the fuck is he? You need to tell someone!! I am so so so so worried. Please for fucks sake tell someone. You do not deserve this shit. Please hun. :-(
from comfortm :
wow that entry bout the guy raping the girl in a bathroom stall was ...very grapic and very emotional..but honestly i'm wondering where you that girl?
from magic-dirt :
Hey hun. Your bro sounds like a tosser & you have every right to be pissed off for him not visiting or even calling you when you were sick. What a rude prick. My brother would never do that and my family is far from perfect. And as for the weight comment, Fuck him! It *was* fucking low I saw your freaking picture and you looked so frail I nearly cried. You have been through so much. What an ass. May I ask why you have seizures? There is obviously something wrong with you?? And the involuntary vomiting- that’s not healthy at all… I’m all worried now... :( ~~Kat
from heaven911 :
wow... your brother sounds horrible. that sucks that he has to stay. and too bad he's not that miserable... whenever im mad at my brother, i feel so much better when he's upset. lol love your diary *Tara
from dimstar :
Wow, your brother sounds exactly like mine. Mine leaves all the electronics on, steals, expects rides everywhere, gets high in his room, swears at me and my mom, is cruel, expects me to pay for his late fees at the video store... Wow... I am really sorry that you have to go through all of this right now. Take care sweetie. I hope that your stomach starts to feel a bit better. I know how that is. I ran out of Zofram and the docs say I can't have more until I get an upper GI. Ugh. I am here for you. xoxo Gwen
from magic-dirt :
Hey Erica, I am 5'6, so Im not all that tall. I promise you, I am not that thin, and I could loose a whole lot more. I look at least 15 kilos heavier than I actually am. You neednt worry about lil ol' me Im nowhere near sick, Ive got a small frame so weight isnt really a good indicator. I saw your pics too... Your poor thing, you have been through so much. I didnt need to see your pics to figure that out though... Im sorry to hear you and your mum dont get on, but hey you should feel lucky that she atleast does some things for you. My mum kicked me out of home when I was 13 so... Anyway Thankyou so much for your note, I absolutely adore you, woman. You seem like a really strong person and its good to hear your making an attempt at recovery. I think??? Sometimes Im not sure :P Do keep writing, hun. ~Katie
from rainy-daze- :
hello! xx *hugs*
from bulimiarexik :
I dont know what to write. There is something about your diary that makes me want to keep reading it. I hope you are feeling better now, seriously. If you ever want to read my journal the username and PW is "subuser".
from indigo-rain :
hey ml! its jaded_soul...just made a diary and thought i'd pop in finally and hello! I read your diary and just know i'm thinking of you and wishing you the best. :hugs:
from p-ennylane :
i hate it when people mistreat you. it's not fair. i wish your mother could see what a wonderful person her daughter is. e, i'm sooo worried about you. the racing pulse and the involuntary vomiting are not normal. of course, you know that, but i just can't help but worry. your mother should have been there for you and it makes me furious to hear that she wasn't. if i lived nearby, i would have been by your side in a moment with a cool cloth and a glass of ice chips. *sigh* hang in there? you're so incredibly brave and i admire you so much. i truly do. love ya, val. p.s. your pm is on the way. i proooomise. once i get my head out of the clouds ...
from dimstar :
I am really sorry that your mom is treating you that way. I really hope that you feel better soon. Your pulse being so high is very concerning. You are probably dehydrated and your labs are probably also off. Would you be willing to drink Gatorade? I am so worried about you. I feel a lot of compassion and empathy towards you, and I truly care. Please, take care of yourself. (((hugs))) I am here if you need me. xoxo Gwen
from dimstar :
Awww Sweetie, stay strong. Please. You have been through so much. I don't know how much more you can hold on. It is amazing you have managed this long. I am sorry that your doctor's appt. went so horribly wrong. They have a tendency to not listen don't they? Try and take care. xoxo Gwen
from magic-dirt :
Wow your diary... really breaks my heart. And your from NSW. I was born in Byron if you care. Please take care hun xoxox ~Katie
from p-ennylane :
oh, goodness i'm crying. i'm so so sorry, sweetie. i'm so sorry. i don't know what else to say right now. i'm here for you whenever you need me. e, i care about you. i really really do. please don't push those who care about you away.
from hungerwhore :
I think your brave. And I think I'll add you to my favorites. Stay strong. Lots of luck.
from dimstar :
Grrr... I am sorry about your doctor's appointments. I know what you mean about them not taking you seriously because of your weight... It is so stupid. You don't deserve to be sick. Not at all. I really wish that you didn't think that :( You are too lovely of a person to have any misfortunes befall you. What are those pills doing to you, exactly? I would quit taking them if the side effects out weigh the benefits... xoxo Gwen
from chaoticj :
hey :) just checking in. your diary entries are always heartbreaking... if you had any idea how badly i wish i could take all your pain away from you...! i honestly hope things improve; your psych sounds like a nasty. damn humans can be awful :(. cheer up hon (if only it were that easy, hey?). my thoughts are with you - take care. x cj
from p-ennylane :
*gives ML a great big hug* hang in there, girl. thinking of you.
from rockeeyore :
I'm going to kick your psychs ass. Seriously.
from dimstar :
Everything will work out. Weight gain is such a bitch huh? When I think about how much weight I have gained in the past few months I want to curl up and die. It is so hard and I know how you feel. It will all work out though. It has to...
from p-ennylane :
honey, your diary entry today just breaks my heart. i mean, your journal often makes me sad, but today. it makes me want to cry. i just wish you were close by so i could actually do something substantial to make you fell better. i'm sorry things have been a bit strained between you and your best friend. of course i don't know her, but i'm guessing that if she's your good friend and she knows you well, then she does genuinely care about you. perhaps it's just a bit difficult for her to relate to all of your pain, and while that's in no way an excuse, it might explain some things. i also read some of your entries that i had missed before. i'm so sorry about your grandmother. i can't even imagine. and about your father... well i have somewhat of a similar experience, but i'm guessing on a much smaller scale. again, i just can't imagine. you're so brave, my dear. you've been through so much, and yet you still manage to be such a wonderful person. (i.e. you even manage to take a bit of time to comfort and talk to little ole me!) okay, i just wrote you a novel! hope you get the meds tomorrow. MUAH!!!
from p-ennylane :
ooooh. i'm bombarding your notes page! hehe. i actually wanted to respond to your pm right now, but TF is down. boo. i guess i'll have to do it tomorrow, then. anyway, i'm just saying hi and hoping you're doing alright. bye for now! xxx
from p-ennylane :
hey sweetie. i'm pennylane frome tf. i commented in your accountability a while ago, and it really made my day to read that my words made you feel a tiny bit better. i just wanted to let you know that i've benn keeping up with your diary, but i've just now signed up for one of my own. i think about you a lot, and i hope you start to gain a bit of peace in your life in the very near future. you're a wonderful, precious person. you might now realize that, but i certainly do. <3 pl
from naughtyal :
hi im sorry you are feeling so bad.I hope life gets better.keep smiling :)
from glasssnail :
Hey you. Feel better ok?? Just start again and everything will be fine. Feel free to check out my diary. (user and password:tf )

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