messages to mr-onion:
(click here to add new message):

from uberfrau :
Hey, I have a new blog, it's worstdatetodate.wordpress.com hope you're well!
from uberfrau :
it's usually other people who are crazy. If you ever get tired of hipsters, go to a metal show. I went to my first one last night and there were no hipsters there. btw, I switched over to wordpress.
from mr-sparkles :
the answer is yes, I'm still sparkly in all the heavily used places on my body. So that means my underpants are glowing with sparkle.
from uberfrau :
you're a tease!
from mr-sparkles :
Yay! You're back!
from asper-gen :
Argh, that's a horrible thing to say about us poor Leos... Good to see you back, I missed your oniony smell :D
from mr-sparkles :
where are you?
from uberfrau :
I miss you Mr. Onion!
from asper-gen :
I hope your job interview went well, and if you like beer then i'm sure you'll be a great candidate for employment with an Aussie company. Why aren't you posting your oniony goodness for all of diaryland to see?
from uberfrau :
I once had a friend tell me she was dating an asshole b/c a tarot card reading I gave her claimed that she would marry him.
from uptowndream :
Ah yes. I'm glad you aired Sharon's dirty laundry. To see her face upon reading such an entry - priceless! See you December 16 with something better than little rubber chickens.
from asper-gen :
Awww, why can't I read, oh great allium one?
from uberfrau :
dude, what's your password?
from chickpea981 :
a locked onion? this will not do! hook a bitch up ([email protected]) if you want to that is.
from mr-sparkles :
what's the password nerd?
from heckafresh :
All of that was seriously true, except I had potstickers for dinner, not spring rolls. I took literary licence to make my point, things are creepier in threes and what have you. Anyway, I'm sure spring rolls were on the menu.
from heckafresh :
What the?!? I'm canadian. I had a conversation with my sister that included the knowledge or the workings of the internal combustion engine today WHILE I DROVE HER TO THE AIRPORT TO FLY TO CANADA! And I had spring rolls for dinner. All this before I read your entry. I don't know Mr-O. A wee bit creepy.
from uberfrau :
no no, the cheese is delicious, never apologize for the cheese!
from uberfrau :
I'm sorry, that comment came off way more snarky and bitter than I anticipated. I was thinking of the night that I Played Canadian Trivial pursuit with this mean LIbrarian who got really excited whenever I missed a question because I wasn't Canadian. He ended up winning of course. Of course, I do like a lot of Canadians. And will always have a soft spot in my heart for Johnathan Crombie.
from uberfrau :
ha ha. He's going to make your bingo game more Canadian? Does that mean he's gonna make it boring, passive aggressive bingo?
from uberfrau :
I say you can never trust a man who doesn't like tequilia.
from asper-gen :
Awww, I'm so proud! (about the boning, not the Twisties, though Twisties are quite memorable)
from asper-gen :
Have you boned him yet?
from uberfrau :
Does he like tequlia?
from asper-gen :
We use eskies to keep drinks cold, duh. What do you guys use, the closest moose passing by? You could stick your drink cans in its antlers...
from caraxus :
That was an awesome entry - made me laugh and want to be there...and then run away...and then come back!!
from asper-gen :
You have rollerskating rinks? Man, that would be so damn cool. The closest thing we have is an iceskating rink but it's kind of dodgy and tends to melt...
from uberfrau :
thatline was so cheesy as to be adorable.
from djjohns3 :
I've started a new diary and abandoned djjohns3.
from asper-gen :
Hell yeah, make sure it's black and lacy and has my phone number on it. I was going to go and see the Trent when him and his compadres came to Oz, but I wasn't sure whether I wanted to ruin this image of him that I have in my head. I haven't seen too many recent pics but I'm sure they can't be as good as he was back in 1994.
from uberfrau :
Yes, I have forgotten about the free drinks, there is that happy, bright side to it all.
from uberfrau :
dude, i"ve missed you.
from caraxus :
Thanks for the birthday love - it was the best ever!
from djjohns3 :
thanx. It took nearly four years to get a fulltime gig in my field of study. I hope that I have learned something about myself during that transition...
from caraxus :
Little old moi? *Blushes* So my reputation preceeds me I see...hope you enjoy the getaway!
from caraxus :
So are the votes in on Caraxus? Has asper-gen built me up too much (bless her cotton sox)? Are you bitterly dissappointed... You live in Canada eh? I used to live there too...where abouts?
from xanthium :
Mexican soap operas are great. You don't need to understand spanish at all to follow the plots--somehow you just know that poor Rosita is having Miguel's baby through the power of melodrama. I should have mentioned them. We were required to watch them as Spanish homework in highschool.
from chickpea981 :
Oh come on now, I know you dont think late nite nasty porn on the television is nasty - you like it. Don't deny it!
from mr-sparkles :
Seriously, Air Canada can be jackasses. One lady kept insisting I take my headphones off to pay attention to the "how-to put your seat belt on" pantomime speech she did. It was like her whole meaning of life depended on me to pay attention. Then one fussy bitch got all huffy at my girl for arriving an hour before an international flight (Bmore to Toronto....2hr long "international" flight), saying her baggage wouldn't be on the plane because of her "lateness." Of course the baggage got on the plane and the attendent went back to pushing a water/peanut cart, crying in that little cubicle, wondering where her modeling career and boyfriend went.
from uberfrau :
dude, you hve to tell me where the gay pirate bar is, I want to go there. so much.
from mr-sparkles :
that is my phone number unfortunately......but yeah, I don't care really, who's gonna call me really? Hey, by the way, I know you live in Canada somewhere and that is my destination of travel August 23rd-28th to see my sweet lady who lives in Mississauga. If you're anywhere near Mississauga, We should have a champagne jam or something and be wildly uncomfortable and find out that we are so much boring in person. If you're interested, just drop me a line.
from uptowndream :
I predict that your next holiday involves a camper, stickers and Vegas, baby, Vegas.
from uberfrau :
hi ho Mr. Onion.... if they did ban marriage...would all marraige be banned? I don't understand. Beware of the Hungarians.
from asper-gen :
Oh come on, here's the lace-clad lad in question, surely it's not that bad... = http://www.residentadvisor.net/viewphotos.asp?i=photos/can050610frict-1/img0545.jpg
from bingoguy :
A reminder that school was fun when we are all back in Elementary School!
from asper-gen :
My weirdest dreams are the ones where I'm completely sober. I tend not to remember my drunken ones, but that's usually because I've passed out as opposed to actually falling asleep in the normal and civilised manner :) Oh yeah, and what are perogies? Is that like pedagogy?
from chickpea981 :
perogies do NOT taste better with salsa than sour cream - not the way I make them anyway
from asper-gen :
I had a dream last night where I was training at an army boot camp run by Interpol where we got to stop every half hour for a vodka break and then I got attacked by werewolves who turned into the blonde dude from that Medical Investigation show and then we joined forced and ate Geri Halliwell after chasing her through some snowy forest in the Carpathian mountains. At least your dreams make sense...
from mr-sparkles :
poor lil onion. I feel for you. That ex and ex will have crisco-sheen faces for the rest of their days, I'll even give you some of my own ju-ju to make sure it happens.
from asper-gen :
If only all the DJs i've encountered would play only for the hearing impared then maybe they wouldn't be banned for violating human rights by the Geneva Convention. Except Danny Howells. Because he has great cheekbones.
from chickpea981 :
thats because you're delicious!
from mr-sparkles :
We need to hang and have an awkward time together........and then get drunk and make fun of people.
from asper-gen :
What's your email address Onion von Onionstein? I locked my diary so I'll need to send you the username and password...
from asper-gen :
Oh yeah, there's nothing like getting even more confirmation on what we already know, right? Hahahahah ;)
from uberfrau :
ha ha. I always say no because that means that they are being lame. And anyways, I am not a psychic. So I make them ask their question outloud and then tell them to think "happy thoughts" whilst they are shuffling.
from uberfrau :
yeah you're in the bitter singles hump. I think there are stages whenever a lot of people aren't seeing anyone: 1. Concetration on how fantastic it is to hang out with your g/fs without men(insert ani difranco song heresong here) 2. eurpohoria over how attractive/smart/classy/wonderful everyone is. Only a matter of time unti everyone meets someone(insert disco song here) 3. Bafflement over why nothing is happening.(cher) 4. Impatience. 5. the who the hell are these men?(tori amos?) 6. The bitter singles hump fueled by the belief that there is no one everywhere(radiohead) 7. acceptence- at this stage I get invited to girl parties to read tarot cards and talka bout our cats. You know the ironic hting about the guy who treats you like a non woman is that he often thinks that he is "nice" and bitches about the same treatement from women.
from asper-gen :
I think i'd like to hear "music for holidays with family" compilation. I know that mine would involve a hell of a lot of nine inch nails, marilyn manson, atari teenage riot and rammstein...
from chickpea981 :
ok the midget and the gravedigger definitely trump my list. You win! I think I need to make those two goals for my future conquests, but somehow midget and BBW don't seem to mesh well in my head.
from uptowndream :
The doctor got my files mixed up. I will look like Freddie Kruger for the rest of my life. That explains all the screaming children, but allows me to become the alcoholic I always wanted to be. Oh, you say I've already accomplished that? Hmph. Crack it is.
from mr-sparkles :
costco sells condoms in boxes of 5000? Now, you know there's some sad man out there, with that 5000 box, unopened, loudly sobbing....it was a funny joke for about two seconds, then he realized he had no friends and still hasn't used that "emergency" expired-three-times-over condom in his beat-up wallet.
from uberfrau :
sorry about the australin reference, but I did see Muriels wedding adn there was a lot of dancing. I have to Say Mr. Onion, I think you should roast marshemellows tonight.
from asper-gen :
Oi, I resent the australian reference. We can't even dance so don't get started.
from uberfrau :
I always wanted to know what happened to that Lord of the dance guyt hat was always on pbs, you know the sleazy, hairy short man who would dance jigs? where is he now? He always remindedme of an australian.
from asper-gen :
Now there's a thought. We should tie him up and start a de-programming regime ;)
from asper-gen :
Whooo!!!!!!! I feel so special :) And I'd love to see you collaborate with Brandon Flowers, but you have to promise me you'll corrupt him and turn him away from his mormon ways...
from mr-sparkles :
your survey is scary.
from unapologetic :
But I'd get free popsicles. And really, what's better than that?
from xanthium :
I had a friend in college whose job was to move the school's pigs around in a big truck. I also had a job where I had to make photocopies at the medical library. In order to get there, I would have to ride my bike past the campus dairy farm, holding my breath the whole way. I also knew a guy whose job it was to inseminate those cows. Don't ask.
from uptowndream :
Somehow, I turned out to be ITNJ - The Scientist. Must've been the visit to the CBC. Bring back Don Hill!
from mr-sparkles :
You need to be inducted in the cool hall of fame.
from mr-sparkles :
My favorite interview line: "I never killed a man."
from mr-sparkles :
Thanks for the idea.....I was gonna make it a joke displaying my "skills" but then I got serious....but yeah, I love you and your writing and I would turn gay and give you the sloppiest of blowjobs if you had a penis right after I saw you in the streets after your beautifully done sex-change surgery.
from asper-gen :
Oh yes, there is no denying that Joy Division is one of the single greatest and most influential bands of all time, particularly in terms of all things black and depressing, I just don't think that Interpol sounds like them. Is Jude Law really set to play Ian Curtis? That's just... bizarre, to be honest...
from asper-gen :
I think it's spelt tszujing... I read it in a local gossip mag when carson was down under for the melbourne cup last year, so it's not a really accurate source of info at the best of times...
from uberfrau :
That girl is so stupid!(jen from the bachelorette) Xanthium and I thought of a drinking game in which if she said "If I find my future husband" , or "I may find hte man I'll get engaged to" we would both take a shot. Unfortunately, there was a strike at the SAQ. I th ought her gold digging tendancies were really appparent last week when she got rid of that nice, cute teacher from Manhatten beach. Or how she thought his parents didn't ask her enough questions about herself. whatever. Like she ever has anything interesting to say. Really, what she should have said, instead of "there'd be too much awkardness" is something along the lines of: "i'm sorry but your parents aren't rich enough for me." Futhermoe, I don't understand why she got rid of all of the really attractive ones, she seems to like ugly, rich men. And how she talks about how bad others are bad at expressing emotion, when she gets all freaked out and confrontational at the merest expression of emoiton(ie. Fabrice.) Obviously, I have way too many opinions about this show.
from xanthium :
Thanks for the shout out! That's so cool. When they were debating whether or not to let Condaleeza Rice take her position, there was a Republican waxing poetic about her name and said it came from an Itatian musical term. But that sounds like a pack of lies to me because nothing in Italian is spelled like that. Thus it remains a mystery.
from uberfrau :
god you're funny. You know, I had a conversation about feminism with one of my students last week. She's young and sincere, and was wondering whether she should break up with her boyfriend because he was a member of the marginalizing patriarchy. I told her, feminism was, among otehr things, about sexual expression. She look relieved.
from asper-gen :
I like your writing. Have I ever told you how much I like your writing? Well, I think you should know that I like your writing my dear. I was so impressed with your neo-post-modern-classical-sub-pseudo-minimalistic lookup (black text on white background with funny cartoon) that I had a wander off to the design site from which it came and stocked up on crayons and happy tree friends. Cheers mate :)
from mr-sparkles :
I never thought I would say it, but i'm suffering from mr-onion withdrawl.
from uberfrau :
the thing is, maybe she'll really like it, you know, like something out of trainspotting, and misguidedly feel edgy and punk rock and want to go out with you again. You should take her to a really banal and boring bar.
from mr-sparkles :
I bet their donuts are good, judging by the fact of seeing one all packed in with people at 9pm on Sunday night. Donuts at 9pm?!? Come on now, pass that blunt down to me.
from asper-gen :
Ahh hahahahah, I swear you lead the funniest life ever... I'm sure you don't think so, but maybe it's because I'm Australian and have no idea what you're referring to 87% of the time that makes it so damn amusing :D
from mr-sparkles :
I never heard of a Tim Horton's before I went to Canada and the place freaks me out. I saw a commercial for it involving two white girls in their 30s in desparate need of getting laid, talking about how they were gonna write a novel or some shit but end up eating at Tim Horton's........a place that only American pot heads could dream about. You crazy ass Canadians.
from cagedfreedom :
your diary is hilarious. thank you for that.
from mr-sparkles :
..........more magic. You're David Copperfield, I'm convinced.
from mr-sparkles :
......magical.
from uptowndream :
Scissor Sisters were on Regis and Skinny Bimbo this a.m. They're Jimmy Fallon's favourite band and he introduced them. Does that make them null and void from your list?
from asper-gen :
Nah, it's all about kangaroos over here. They're a great way to put the bounce back in your day ;)... Ew... I just grossed myself out
from uptowndream :
C'est moi! I cannot eat babies, so will stay my child.
from uptowndream :
THE best thing you or anyone for that matter could do is sit back (or stand if preferred) with a glass of liquor-induced nog and listen to Stuart whistle-out tale after tale. That's what I do every Christ Mass and it always cheers me up. Or you could still go with the poisonous Indonesian food - whatever works! as they say.
from unapologetic :
If you have $1.50 and a desire to eat what is essentially a breadstick that failed, then yes. (I expressed the breadstick opinion to my boss and I thought he was going to fire me. See also: "I've never been a fan of cannolis." "WHAT?!")
from uptowndream :
Wha ah ah ah aaaaaaa. I vil bring da pig's bluhhhd...and this guy who asked me to my jr. high prom. I turned him down at the time, but looking over my 'date'book for 2004 - he's lookin' goooooooooooood. Saying all this - yes - you can conclude that UD may be joining one Mr. Onion for the coffee table jig this year.
from uberfrau :
the funny thing is that he has really bad hair for a gay man. I mean, you think someone would stop him and cut off his pube ringlets. He's hideous!
from mr-sparkles :
I think Clay Aiken riding on a chopper with a leather jacket and sunglasses will be what all the Clay-ites need to know that he is queer as folk.......that OR getting caught gloryholin' at some truck stop.
from mr-sparkles :
If anybody thinks Clay Aiken is straight-I swear.......they need to shove a cock up their own ass.
from mr-sparkles :
This year........definitely chocked full of shit.......Rodney Dangerfield died on my birthday.......it made me sad.
from unapologetic :
But where would we keep them?
from unapologetic :
That would be truly frightening. However, if we did that, maybe people would think we were avant-garde. As opposed to, you know, ghetto.
from uberfrau :
Hands down they are just the best. Sure, they may have weird teeth and be slightly odd looking, but damn, you don't even notice. With Canadian, it's like they have all of the reserve of the brits, yet not tempered with any sort of wit or personality. It's strange. very strange.
from mr-sparkles :
I was all up in your Bookshelf grrl.....oh yeah.......yeah..............yeah.
from uptowndream :
Ah! The interview. But alas, it is too late. I invite you to instead share some interesting facts about me on E! True Hollywood Story four years after I hit the big time or four days after I hit the skids; whichever comes first "...she was always regular and had low cholesterol...her Stevie impressions were the envy of drunken men the world over..."
from mr-sparkles :
"Putting the dogs in the bathtub" is actually an obscure nasty sex term.
from uptowndream :
Dear mr-onion, If I pump my arm just so, lemon fresh goodness shoots out my nose. Me likes how bright your whites are...wait a second, Mr. Clean was late coming home last night...were you?...was he?...I'll take 'im for every tight white shirt he's got!
from asper-gen :
I know that BCB's are Burnt Crunchy Bits, thank you Mr Pratchett. I like the new design, it's exactly the kind of wrong animated stuff I find funny. Keep posting that goss, it makes me feel better about myself, just like watching Jerry Springer :D
from mr-sparkles :
what in the hell are PCBs? http://bach.ece.jhu.edu/~haceaton/pcb/ ????
from mr-sparkles :
You are a beautiful human being......and by the way, the new layout is good.
from lasweetthing :
I have only read a couple of entrys so far. Interesting I might say. Have a good Thanksgiving.
from chickpea981 :
Hot Mistress of Dland? I accept this title! "I'd like to thank the academy..."
from asper-gen :
That's one hell of a sneeze if I can manage to hit you from here! I'm very impressed with myself, as I'm one of those nasty bastards who if sick, insists on infecting as many people as possible. Hey, if I have to suffer, I want to share the pain :D
from mr-sparkles :
A good/bad thing to do at the doctors, when you are on the examination table/chair and the doctor has the stethoscope up your back and telling you to breathe in and out.......moan a little bit and roll your head a little like the start of a bad 80s movie sex scene. My friend had a problem with his balls and they would put ultrasound jelly on them and I begged him to at least once, moan a little or just sorta of cradle the doctors head while he was down there.
from unapologetic :
See, that would be the innocent version. It got a little dirty when I suggested actually using it to staple.
from uptowndream :
I'm your strangest friend?! That is the best news I've heard all day! I never want to be normal. However, the best thing I saw all day was Mr. Maiden...wearing...a Cosby sweater. We are meant to be!
from chickpea981 :
That Carmen Miranda thing was too much. I just choked on my cider.
from asper-gen :
I think Leos are getting it bad this year, simply because the whole world is ganging up on us for being the most awesome zodiac sign out of all of them
from mr-sparkles :
Come on now, that was like 3rd grade. I was dressing like like the old-man-at-the-club at the ripe old age of 10.......don't like the dimples fool you, I'm a killin' machine!
from mr-sparkles :
Kerry won "our" state (Maryland) and I am a proponent of neither party and I strive to see it all as people, from the conservative old white men to the liberal hippie sons of old white men.
from mr-sparkles :
I don't believe I'm apathetic.....I just believe there are better ways of getting my voice heard and listening to others. I love Canada.......one day I will visit. I heard the pancakes........ARE FABULOUS.
from unapologetic :
You're required to wear matching top hats and occasionally appease me with lollipops. In exchange for that, we give you a really big gun and a lawyer (just in case.)
from unapologetic :
=) Score. I've always wanted minions. Perhaps my own little mob.
from asper-gen :
It's like.... Umm.... A ute is like... hard to explain, so go here = http://www.ford.com.au/showroom/lightcomm/Commercial_Vehicles.asp and click on the falcon ute bit
from antistar- :
Yeah, it's me being a writing wanker, but it's kinda fun being incredibly self indulgent. I just had to add you to this profile as well because I think more people should read your stuff because it always makes me laugh :)
from mr-sparkles :
"A great big biker with a massive jar of Vaseline. Watch out girls." My arms are guns......actually, they're Weapons of Mass Destruction..........don't tell Rumsfeld or Bush........I gotta keep these warheads under wraps of a leather jacket and a tight t-shirt.
from mr-sparkles :
....thanks for the B-day wishes miss........it was tasty AND delicious.
from mr-sparkles :
Canada loves their Grand Maestro Fresh Wes........
from asper-gen :
I'd love to see a pic of what you look like, as I too have a fascination with 'mixed-race' people as you put it. I'm so mixed I don't know where to begin, so I'll start with 'Australian' and work from there...
from mr-sparkles :
I'm not that sensitive really.........I wear leather jackets with the collar up and be like, "grrls, make me samm-miches!!!!!!! I GOTS FOOTBALL TO WATCH!" -this all of course is said while I sit on a Harley, revving up the engine.
from chickpea981 :
thank you very much. Also love the current post generous vs. un-generous. may have to quote a piece of it someday
from asper-gen :
Check out http://www.bmamag.com, I think you can download issues there in .pdf format... Keep an eye out for stuff written by Isabel Leaver :)
from asper-gen :
I had to modify the question slightly in the face of the fact I've never heard any ad playing their music here in Australia...
from asper-gen :
Me = I know your music has backed quite a few advertisements, are there any you'd like to do? Tom Findlay = *insert British accent* More beer ads, that�d be good, that�d be lovely never having to buy alcohol again. An incredibly flashy car would be nice too, so far we�ve never been given one, but that�s life.
from asper-gen :
Cheers, I'll be sure to ask that one... I know they've backed adverts for Nike, Mercedes and Guinness, if I were a musician it would be vodka sponsorship all the way! Oh, and clothes of course...
from awittykitty :
if you have to "think" about the coolness factor you probably don't have it. What's really funny is seeing yuppy women who think they're really hip by what they wear and drive, but the moment they open their mouths, the cool factor just melts away.
from asper-gen :
Sweater dress? You should've killed her for letting down the human race. And as for hot boys, I have no doubt that they are out there, but it's the hot boys who are avaliable that are giving me doubts as to their existance...
from asper-gen :
Whoohoo! I feel so proud to be on the top of someone's list :D And on behalf of the entire population of Australia, I apologise for every inflicting Dannii Minogue on the rest of the world... "You can do it with a snail if you slow to a crawl, but the hedgehog can't be buggered at all..."
from asper-gen :
Awww, sounds so romantic :)
from asper-gen :
I did a bit of back-reading, and decided that your writing makes me laugh. Genuinely laugh, not just smirk or giggle, so i'm adding you to my buddy list because finding writers who aren't self-indulgent whiny goths is always nice...
from asper-gen :
Happy birthday! My birthday was on the 2nd too, and I hope there was much intoxication involved...

back to mr-onion's profile
recommend this diary to a pal?

Other diaries starting with the letter:
a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

Back to Diaryland

Recently updated
News
update April 6, 2020: Sorry, we just had 8+ hours downtime due to a server problem. Restoring from backups took soooo long, but everything is back and no data was lost. Ay yay yay! Anyhow, hope everyone is well with the virus stuff.

Sign up for paid membership if you want!

Users online