messages to musikoid:
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from i-am-jack :
Happy Thanksgiving, though it sounds like you are already having one.
from i-am-jack :
I'm glad you are feeling better.
from illusionless :
That Thanksgiving entry was beautiful Andy. :) Also glad you got your music played on the speakers at the restaurant and everyone liked it. Your happiness radiated from the screen by how you wrote about things. Happy Thanksgiving to you and God bless.
from i-am-jack :
Just letting you know I caught up on the last few days.
from illusionless :
I'm sorry to hear about all these irksome things happening to you. It always seems that annoying things happen all at once and then all the good stuff happens all at once, like it comes in chunks. Maybe God does that for a reason. You're lucky you can even lock your diary. I get an error message whenever I click the link to try and do so. I was thinking of e-mailing Andrew myself, but last time I did I didn't hear back and that was over a year ago now. Dealing with the same stuff as you, but don't give up. Better things are coming! :) Oh and try not to take your friends' attitudes personally. Sometimes their deal isn't even about you, but it's about them. Things will get back to normal. You are doing very well these days. I can tell just by your entries how much healthier you are. Keep at it. :) I believe in you. Lastly, God bothers with you, me, and all of us because he loves us more than we can even comprehend. :)
from illusionless :
I think so too. I'm going to try and put it into practice somehow.
from illusionless :
Thank you for the support Andy. I will try and take life a little less seriously and relax and let God take the wheel. I have to remember that and let God do what he will in my life. :)
from floodtide :
70 days! So happy for you and so proud of you. And thanks for your e-mail about the sixths. I'm coming up on my second 30-day coin. Both glad and humiliated to have to share again publicly that I'd relapsed. But that is the struggle, of course. Please know that I am thinking of you and pulling for you. Let's stay clean together.
from i-am-jack :
This is all such exciting news! Congratulations. Also you are doing a great job staying grounded (yet excited and happy as you should be) and not flying away in a mania.
from illusionless :
Congrats Andy! I'm so happy things are going so well for you. You sound so healthy these days. It's wonderful to see. :)
from floodtide :
Thanks for both notes on both subjects - the recovery steps and the concert. The cadenzas weren't Romantic, just a little more technically fiery and maybe a bit more, I don't know, densely textured. And I actually don't mind anachronistic cadenzas once in a while; in fact when I played the Mozart Eb-Major (K. 482) I used Benjamin Britten's (amazing, and fiendishly difficult) cadenza.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you. The ear is feeling better but still ringing on and off. I am still tired as hell, I really wore myself out. I think the saline they gave you was for cleaning the wound, maybe soaking it if it got itchy or sore. It sounds like you are back up and running literally, which is good.
from i-am-jack :
I want to reply to your note about paranoia in an email. I do not have much energy right now. I ran myself into the ground and feel completely drained. I made myself physically sick. My ear won't stop ringing and feels cottony. I may have to go to urgent care if it does not clear up. The tinnitis is making me miserable. I feel generally run down and sick. So sorry if I am not too engaging.
from musikoid :
test
from i-am-jack :
I locked up at least for now. Now could be as long as just tonight. I don't know. I am paranoid. Anyway I will email you a password. You are one of the few people who even reads this psycho shit anymore.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah I wrote a couple entries and am trying to start writing again regularly. Trying. Wow I had no idea there was even a bipolar 3 yet alone 4. I don't keep up with that stuff but I do find it interesting.
from i-am-jack :
I think it was very bold and brave of you to post that on Facebook. As for not letting things go, maybe you are a lot more loyal and real than most people in this disposable age. I know a lady who has a rotary phone! She insists it just feels warmer and better. I am not as easily overwhelmed by technology as you are but I don't like it either. I don't have a smart phone and sure hell do not want one.
from i-am-jack :
You are definitely not toxic. I know toxic. I grew up in it. And that is not you. It's a shame your old friend is possibly letting his therapist do all his thinking for him. That is not a good therapist or good therapy. But it sounds like he is a DSM-5 book baby, not unlike the Big Book Babies you and Flood deal with at AA. Maybe one day when he starts thinking with his own head, he will come around. And that is amazing and courageous of your friend to stand up against the tweakers.
from i-am-jack :
For me, what I drink and how much depends on what effect it has. Obviously too much and I can not think anymore or even type it out if I could. I don't get bombed to write. Sometimes I keep a good thing going and do after I am done. It definitely helps the creative process for me, but it is not only focused but functional in general in mundane life. Then again I guess you need an amount of focus to function. The opposite is mindlessness and dissociation. When I used to smoke pot, sometimes it resulted in some crazy writing that I kept in a special book for that, but mostly I lose my attention span. I can't even stay in one reality for that long, yet alone create art or even carry on a linear conversation. I can not even follow TV. There is such a gaping delay in my comprehension and how fast they are talking that it disorients and frustrates me. Understanding TV is too much work. I went to church high once and it was a very strange experience in so many ways. I get you feeling guilty about your performance being chemically unlocked rather than divinely inspired. Neither are any less authentic, but in church you kind of are going for the second.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah it sounded like it. Again both the insect and the human sort.
from i-am-jack :
I am so glad your new home is free of cockroaches of both the insect and human sort.
from i-am-jack :
I just want you to know that I caught up on you for the second time. Yes twice within the same vanishing act. I was just starting to get back into things online and I don't know what happened. I am losing time again. I am not even drinking much. I am actually MORE functional when I am drinking more, ironically. I am sorry that I am not more reliably present. I am sorry I drop in and out like a bad connection. I am sorry you are not getting the support you need.
from musikoid :
damn
from jimbostaxi :
He’s a textbook narcissist ugh It’s so fucking frustrating!!! I cAnt wait till someone gives him what he deserves!!!
from jimbostaxi :
Good talk on the phone! and I wrote about the sexual predator guy I told you about
from i-am-jack :
Maybe it's a browser issue on my end? Yeah I was surprised when the Youtube one did not work for me.
from i-am-jack :
Like I said, don't feel rushed. You can not rush art. Also the links are not working on the last few entries, but it might just be my computer. The cloud does not work for some reason.
from i-am-jack :
Don't feel rushed because of me. I can wait. I definitely do not want to add any anxiety to the creative process. And yes the apartment really is great news. You're free!
from i-am-jack :
And yes send the script to my email.
from i-am-jack :
I just caught up on your entries and emails, though I have not replied yet. But I want to say congratulations on the new apartment and your new life! I am so glad you are getting out of the sarcastically named Friendship apartments. I really am excited for you.
from jimbostaxi :
just read your entry 22 days that's awesome I liked the vibe coming off what you wrote stay safe My friend trust in god
from i-am-jack :
As for meds, like I said you know yourself best. Do what you need to do to stay safe, sane and comfortable. It's also probably better for the creative process. Which I think is fascinating by the way.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for getting back to me. Sadly no, I am not feeling any less like a horrible person. I am feeling horrible about that stupid fight I had and might still be having with my friend. I feel horrible about the things I have written in the last several entries. I am thinking about locking up or just writing in private in a paper journal, because my writing is so abrasive and fucked up. I don't even know if people like me anymore anyway.
from i-am-jack :
Forgot to include that the only reason I stopped reading after the initial several scenes is it was/is still a work in progress with lots of changes. I want to be able to keep the story straight and consider what I have read as the trailer.
from i-am-jack :
Not that my opinion is the one that matters (that's yours) but what I first read of Eden in Babylon was compelling and brilliant. The sadistic scenes were not too over the top and relatable to someone who has been in the hospital. Like I said Ms Mortalis reminds me of someone I have dealt with and I see that lady's face when I read her parts. I think you have looked at it too long and hard and are starting to overthink and doubt it all.
from i-am-jack :
You are the only one who gets to say whether you alter your brain with psychiatric medication. You know yourself better than anyone else. Even the professionals who will try and probably keep trying to find you the "right" medication. It is not for everyone. And I have had the same thoughts on legal verses illegal drugs. Self medicating verses being professionally medicated. I have some of the same problems with people pleasing but I draw the line there. Who cares if you look like a total mental patient? As long as you are comfortable in your own skin and feel like you.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for checking in. It's okay take your time. I have a feeling that I am going to be writing a lot, if I can. I am so conflicted. I am thinking about locking up again. I feel like a horrible person.
from jimbostaxi :
Ty for the warm welcome back :0) who am I fooling I would have wound up back here eventually anyway. I'm just taking it one day at a time my friend who knows what tommorow will bring.
from jimbostaxi :
Ty for the notes ! You guys are awesome I will keep posting it's just hard to say what I'm feeling ,,, I hate Facebook I never post anything but photos there and that's hardly ever. Yeah man that fucking old guy and his son had me very emotionally for a bit ,,, alls he wanted was a chance is that so wrong? I'm getting emotionally just thinking about it
from i-am-jack :
Also it sounds like you might be going through a dark night of the soul. Sometimes you have to lose God to find him again.
from i-am-jack :
As for the Positive Attitude cult, fuck them. Our responsibilities are to be civil and try to follow the basic rules of polite society when in public and social settings we where we are friendly with but not close to people. But behind closed doors, all bets are off. Your real true friends who really care don't want anything less than the authentic truth, happy and fun or not. If they don't, then they are not real insiders. Holding it all in and smiling is how a lot of people end up commiting suicide. The happiest girl in my class, the one everyone remembers of her rosy cheeks, big heart and smile, friend to anyone, killed herself and shocked us all. She probably died of the pressures to be perfect and happy all the time.
from i-am-jack :
I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. That is possibly the worst kind of depression, when you do not even have a reason or know what is wrong. How can you make something right when you don't know what's wrong? Sometimes it helps me to just accept it. The harder you try to fix it, the more hopeless it seems to become. You might feel a little better just letting it "say" what it has to "say" even if that is in some subconscious language. I believe all pain is the body talking.
from i-am-jack :
Sorry I am behind in my email, but I am reading here and have read some of your emails. Again I am in this really low energy funk. Feeling kind of sick as I am writing this even. I have not been taking very good care of myself and it is showing. I have to get up early tomorrow to go to my client's house and even in the best of energy that saps me. Anyway I know exactly what you mean about the best, most authentic entries getting zapped into cyber space. It's happened too many times. I too use Notepad. I have the old version and admire its simplicity. When I want something nicer with more options Word is enough. Hate Microsoft Office.
from i-am-jack :
I just want you to know that I am reading and keeping you in my thoughts.
from jimbostaxi :
Ty! Just waiting for the baby to come home ,, hopefully tomorrow but ty!! I'll light it up when she's home
from jimbostaxi :
She just arrived ! :0)
from jimbostaxi :
It's taking forever they just gave her the epidural so any minute ,,
from i-am-jack :
I have not lost all hope in you. I have not lost any hope, respect or anything. I am rooting for you.
from peggypenny :
Thank-you. I know to take precautions then. I am grateful to Andrew for giving me this emotional release and I am sure he still loves us. Ha ha
from i-am-jack :
I just caught up on your last few days entries. I really resonated with this "but chances are that if they're not showing respect toward you, they're not going to show respect toward you no matter what you say." It's so true. Not the easiest thing to accept but so true.
from peggypenny :
Do you find this feature on Gold Member? I don't find it listed as an option anyplace other than on the opening page described.
from jimbostaxi :
Awww just saw the note on your profile thAts so cool ! Glad to be apart of the muskoid universe. As far as my kid goes yeah that's a dad thing, now I'm just waiting to do the granddad thing ! :0)
from peggypenny :
Yes, click it and find out if it works for you. Let me know. I can't find anything as to whether or not you need to be Gold member or not. It does not work for me. I do not want it on.
from peggypenny :
If you click bottom right box "User's online now" and try to be off / invisible My computer comes up white page that says "error" top left. Does your account do the same? Pegkins
from jimbostaxi :
Yep it's not about us it's about god, I get that I had some cashier in a deli remind me of that the other day when I told him I wanted to strangle my coworker dead and only after I saw his lifeless body would I be happy. He was cool about it told me I should put god first in my heart cause if I did what I said my problems would just be beginning,,,
from floodtide :
Thank you, friend, for two things in your most recent note: first, the incredible affirmation about my Facebook post - the one that rattled my godson and got his obnoxious friend all over my case. Your words meant a lot to me. And second, thanks for seeing lucidity in my recent posts. Yeah: alcohol was always hanging in the wings when it wasn't center stage. So it's nice to hear that some changes are noticeable to others. XO
from jimbostaxi :
I was testing something out because I changed and entry and it wasn't updating so I threw another one up to see if that showed and then I took it down. It's weird the update I made a few days ago just took now when I did it but wasn't before idk
from jimbostaxi :
"F"s been sick I haven't wrote about it because a tough subject for me ,,that's also why I haven't called yet just waiting on a good day
from peggypenny :
sure. peggypenny@gmail.com
from i-am-jack :
I always take care of the notes you want deleted, as quickly as I can regardless of what you wrote in them. I found out that it gets around to disappearing after I get a new note. So I posted on my own note after deleting it, and deleted that one too, so people only saw the test note. It worked.
from i-am-jack :
It's a great relief to hear you are safe and feeling better. Thanks for checking in on the site.
from jimbostaxi :
Glad the recovery is going well I will call you when my own situation calms down I promise. My minds mush right now all I want is sleep
from peggypenny :
Oh, yes. I wrote those lyrics years ago and thought you might like to see them. Pegkins
from floodtide :
Just saw your notes - you're right to remember that I almost never think to look at that page. But I did this morning, and I am grateful for your supportive and loving comments. So far my suspicions and resistance about AA have been melting away much more easily than I'd imagined. In fact I'm embracing some of the things I was most skeptical about. One of the best decisions I ever made. XO
from cloudy-night :
Hey, the thing with my cousin happened three days before I wrote that entry. And his father died two days before I wrote that entry. I haven't heard much about how my cousin is doing, but my brother said that his father's funeral was beautiful and a lot of people showed up.
from cloudy-night :
Hey Guru. We all slip and fall sometimes. You just have to realized when you're triggered and then figure out how to deal with the situation once triggered. I know it is hard to do. Just because you're aware of a situation don't mean that you have the ability to curve your usual methods of dealing with it. Whatever happens, just realize that eventually you'll get things right and we all make mistakes. I truly hope you get that apartment at the senior apartment because that is a good price for lodging. I have to go back a bit further to read up on Greg, so I can't say anything there. I hope things get better and I will make sure to pray for you, man.
from i-am-jack :
Reading your most recent note, I have to say first I believe you, and second there is a possibility that maybe you were not meant to share the information yet. If you feel any kind sense that you shouldn't, in the form of gentle knowing tug, you probably shouldn't until it feels right. I have had that feeling before, so has my sister. Sometimes it's just not the time, place, person, for reasons bigger than what we can understand. You'll just know. It's not something you need to think about or try to figure out. I'm not saying don't write it. Not at all. I hope you understand what I am saying.
from i-am-jack :
I looked for it after Lapse, but I did not see it. I am not sure if you referenced it in another entry, but the name is familiar. Very familiar. I wish I knew what to say, but there is not any real comfort when you lose your writing like that. I have lost entries in the past on here, when something went wrong after hitting send. It is ALWAYS the most amazing writing that gets lost to the ether. I think almost every writer has had this happen to them. I am hoping maybe the file saved somewhere strange and it is on your computer still. Some versions of Windows have a search tool. You could try going into the word processor and clicking "Open File" and might get a list of recent files. I really hope it turns up. When you got to rewrite, try to recreate the same setting as much as you can. If you were listening to music, play that music again. Write down any bits you remember and plug in the rest around it. These things have helped me reconstruct lost work.
from peggypenny :
I am enjoying your tracks at sound cloud right now. I like them very much. I am going to play them all for my dance work out today. Thank you haha Pegkins
from i-am-jack :
If it makes you feel any better, I hate smart phones too. Any time someone hands me one and asks me to do anything, I can't. The Boy in the Bubble tried to teach me a few things and I just didn't like it. I hate the Internet on non computer devices. I do not have a smart phone and will resist getting one as long as possible. It also might make you feel better that I have broken a few "dumb" phones in my time out of frustration too.
from i-am-jack :
Self soothing come too easily to me. Though these days a lot of it is self destructive. Sometimes that is the only thing that can calm me down. Being that I have almost completely lost the ability to relax, healthy self soothing does not work as well or at all, so I turn to other things. Right now I can not really do those things or over indulge the way I want. It's not good. I might just snap, go crazy and say fuck it all to hell. Then probably really regret it.
from i-am-jack :
My dad is so deeply internalized that his ghost will continue to haunt me, even when it isn't, for the rest of my life. He is still alive, but hardly in my life, and I still can not escape his voice in my head. I sure yours has better things to do, I hope so anyway. Even more, I hope when he does look down on you, it's through enlightened loving eyes. We definitely have self worth and father issues in common.
from jimbostaxi :
there all wanna be gangsters hustling while collecting shit from the system. The only difference with the guard is he thinks a security badge gives him carte blanc to fuck with people. I don't the guard things over I'm sure we will run into each other again plus his boss is a pussy didn't sound like he handled shit but only time will tell
from peggypenny :
are you having trouble clicking yourself "off" 'users online right now' on diaryland? You and I are the only ones I see come up as 'users online right now.' Peg
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for your supportive note. There is definitely a block. It took me a few days to get this out. I wrote the brunt of it two days ago, and basically made myself finish it tonight whether or not I was happy with it. Because no matter what I was not going to be. I am so over critical of myself right now. This morning my depression was telling me I can not do anything right. A lot of my writing block is about feeling like a bad person, dissociation, and maddening suffocating anxiety because I can not fucking self soothe that much right now. I am not really coping with the too much on my plate.
from i-am-jack :
The link to the music for Bubbles Taboo didn't work, but the lyrics one did. I don't think there is anything wrong with the lyrics. The link to Skylark did work and that was amazing. Perfection down to the last so delicate two ending notes. Maybe you should try to encourage the lady at Bucer's to hear what you can do if she hasn't already.
from musikoid :
Just saw one of your notes that escaped me, referring to self-absorption and "checking out." It's probably time for me to 'check out' a bit, actually. I've been "engaging" you - but I've been too engaging of others, and not enough engaged - in you, in them, in reality. In any case, it's another instance of you and I being similar, I think. In a very basic way, it's a survival tool.
from i-am-jack :
You never told me you were a poor reader. I never would have guessed being that you are such a great writer and have an impressive vocabulary. I guess I just assumed you had good reading skills too. Maybe it is more a matter of focus than reading aptitude. The link for The Event of the Garden works fine.
from i-am-jack :
I have not been perceiving you as distant or self absorbed at all. If anything I have felt that way myself. You have been engaging me and I have not shown any signs that I am even reading any of it. Sometimes I forget that people don't know if you are around when you are not making yourself seen. I just checked out. It was not planned, it just happened. Sometimes I feel like I just wear myself out or I need a break from myself. When I think and feel too much, sometimes I need to stop talking/thinking and start listening and observing more.
from i-am-jack :
The Temple link did not work, for some reason when you post links on here, they don't work for me. By the way I am catching up on your writing. You've written a lot of intense things, so it may take me a bit longer than usual, but I am reading. I tend to read things like this a lot slower, more with the focus of studying. The rest of the time, I am a pretty quick reader with good comprehension and memory even at a brisk pace.
from i-am-jack :
I'm sorry if I have been making you feel neglected, I have not really been too engaging with anyone, though silently present. Myself included. There is a lot going on in my head and I am not even writing in private. Sometimes I just need to shut up and pay closer attention to everyone else's lives. I am trying to come out of it but it feels so hard.
from jimbostaxi :
Hey my brother I didn't know you were back too ! Awesome good to see you!
from cloudy-night :
Hey, it has been quite a while. I hope that you've been well. You haven't sent me your new password yet. I don't think I'm musically conscious, I wish I was. I don't have your refined taste when it comes to music. As far as the guitar playing. It is difficult because my fingers keep touch other strings and muting them. I think I'll just keep practicing and eventually, my fingers won't touch any of the other strings. To be totally honest, I've always wanted to play piano, but it is way too expensive for me to purchase. Later Guru.
from wordwhore :
Take your time. Just glad to know you're still kicking around. Take care of yourself, A. ♥
from musikoid :
Left you a long note on your page. I'm beginning to lose it totally.
from i-am-jack :
Quite the opposite actually. I have just been in a strange, depressed, quiet space. I did read your the entry before the most recent, where you hoped we were reading. I am around, even if it doesn't seem like it.
from musikoid :
There's probably not much to say. I'm hanging in there - hope you are as well.
from i-am-jack :
I just want you to know that I have been reading, even if I have not been saying much lately.
from i-am-jack :
My brother was the golden child until he "failed" my father too. We all "failed" him. But that's actually a good thing. We are lucky we escaped his dictatorship as our own selves. He's not exactly winning at life, so he can shut the fuck up. I am sure this applies to you too.
from patheticness :
Just read a good number of your entries. I was behind. Please continue to fight the fight. If you need to, re-read some of your previous entries that remind you that God is there with you and for you. I know I should remind myself of this sometimes, but besides the point. I don't pretend to relate to your drug addiction. I have never had one. I never had an issue with drinking really either, though I used to binge social drink a lot with friends in my 20s. I think my only addictions, in the past have been internet addiction and maybe online diary addiction if there is such a thing. Also, strangely I think I have been addicted in a way to grief, when I grieved my miscarraige and now grieve my mom an mom-law. Again, besides the point. You tend to write me notes commenting on my diary on occasion and they are appreciated. It's about time I do the same. Just saying. Hope life gets good again for you.
from i-am-jack :
For what it's worth I am listening and I care. Though I am not sure if you are reading your notes lately. I hope I am not being an annoying asswipe when you just want to be left alone. Anyway, you're right you can do whatever you want to do. You are a grown man with free will. But if you killed yourself, you would be terribly missed. You are so loved, even if you are having trouble feeling it right now. A lack of self love has an insidious way of blinding you to the love others have for you. Remember that day all your friends embraced you and took you by surprise and try to hold onto that. I don't even know you as well as them and I don't want to lose you.
from i-am-jack :
I am looking forward to seeing the show when you put it up on Youtube.
from i-am-jack :
Willy reads beautifully just as a poem. It will probably be amazing played as a song.
from jimbostaxi :
Fucking cab driving scum they should hang em from the highest pole !!! Hmmmmm wait a sec that means me too,,,I'll have to rethink this,, is it possible you can find a new apartment? further away from temptation
from jimbostaxi :
Two doors down from a meth dealer? YIKES! Sorry to read about you tripping out and the loss of the church job :0(
from i-am-jack :
I hope everything is good in Andy land.
from jimbostaxi :
Happy Easter my brother love ya stay out of trouble :0)
from i-am-jack :
Happy Easter. I hope you have a good, enjoyable and non stressful Holy Week.
from i-am-jack :
The scene is definitely iconic as well as a trope. I'm glad you liked the wet diaper analogy.
from i-am-jack :
On the subject of belittling self harm issues, I have had a medical professional do it! I told him and he goes "Oh yeah? Where are your scars!" So I showed him the ones I had and began explaining them in detail. Just because I am not completely covered in tiger stripes, does not mean I don't have a problem. He was acting no better than the kids competing with each other in those horrible online communities. You would think it would be safe to tell someone in hospital admissions. You really have to be careful who talk about this stuff with. For years I would not even write about it here, even it meant not writing at all. I am so sorry about your latest completely brain washed and brain dead run in with Jim and his secret lover. He would probably be best buddies with my dad. Ironically my dad's best friend's name IS Jim and he is completely insane. His comment comes from a place of both ignorance and fear. He is still living in the dark ages, anything he doesn't understand or thinks is scary is the devil. It's sad really. But it doesn't make it any easier to have to deal with these toxic people. I bet he makes you feel the same way my dad makes me feel. I am sorry I would not have been nice if he was in the way between me and coffee. I would have made a slightly aggressive toned joke about just get me to the coffee pot and no one gets hurt, and then gone along my way. Let him cry in his pillow. He is a wet diaper looking for a butt. You are not a butt.
from i-am-jack :
"MacGuyver, eh?" Yeah I can be very clever and stupid smart when I want something bad enough or if there is some mischievous allure to it.
from i-am-jack :
I have seen that movie twice and that is the part that sticks with me. My favorite scene because it is just so fucked and there's nothing he can do about it but have the time of his life. My landlord has very interesting taste in movies, a lot of them nightmarish without being bloody horror. Anyway that is just what I was going for. I am not sure how true this is for you, but maybe our kind of smart does not work or fit into the mainstream very well. So we are left to our own devices, good or bad.
from jimbostaxi :
Monday's are good to call I'm usually up non stop doing errands
from jimbostaxi :
Yo, trying to get back in the swing of things
from i-am-jack :
I just want you to know that I relate to your "Afflicted" entry so much. And it is an honor to be one of the ones you feel gets you.
from i-am-jack :
It was about you having locked up, you probably know that now if you read my email.
from i-am-jack :
This makes me both very concerned and very sad.
from i-am-jack :
Oh and thanks for the term "parasuicidal". Through context, I knew what it meant but I looked it up for a deeper explanation. I found a really good article that gave me some insight into myself. Thank you.
from i-am-jack :
Self harm is self harm. There really is not one method that is more of a serious problem than another. Though there is definitely variation in the level of severity and violence even in the same person. I have hurt myself in all different ways through out my life and have hit myself too. I think it is actually a trait of trauma or PTSD to belittle your problems and experiences in comparison to someone else. I do it too. All the time. I take you seriously.
from i-am-jack :
(((Hugs))) if that is okay. I feel so awful for you.
from cloudy-night :
Hey, Guru, it has been a while. I've only read the last two entries in your journal and I will say that it is okay if can't express your true feelings all the time. It doesn't make you any less of a man. And I think that at some point, all guys lose interest in sex because there are other things going on in their lives. It is also good that you had such a great set the last time you played. Also, I've read most of your play and I like what I have read so far. I may have to go over again so I can note some of the scenes I like the most. I always read things first and then reread it to make notes. So I hope you will be cool with that.
from i-am-jack :
*don't think. And no, I have never written a novel. I have lots of stories I wrote as a kid and as a teenager and in my early 20's. Probably 80 paper journals spanning a life time. Some fan fiction. Some college pieces. LOTS of private pieces and entries. Some day I may write and try to publish a memoir, probably borrowing a lot from here. Augusten Burroughs is my memoir writing hero, though I think Chuck Palahniuk taught me how to really write.
from i-am-jack :
I am sorry you are having such a hard time today. I read your entry and maybe you don't think you should have a diary, but I would miss you if you left again. It does not always have to be baring all honesty like today. Write, share, express what you want when you want. I always find your words eloquent and real. You don't owe anyone anything. Not disclosing your faith to everyone you meet does not make you ashamed or inauthentic. It is not even safe to always put it all out there. People can be judgemental. Just be yourself at the level you are comfortable with and that is different with different people and situations. There is so much I could say but you are an amazing person. You are human. You are real. We all have insecurities and hang ups, shit from our past. It was very brave of you to write such a powerfully vulnerable entry.
from i-am-jack :
Well I am glad you feel better and were able to talk out your differences with her. But I have to say that is pretty ignorant as well as bit smug to say you were the only one who complained as some kind of defense. Implying she is right and you are the only one with a bug up your ass. She missed the point. Just because you were the only one who voiced it, does not mean you were the only one harmed by it. By nature self harmers are more likely to go quietly retreat into themselves and take it out on themselves. She clearly does not get it. Especially if she thinks throwing in a trigger warning at the end for cover your ass's sake, is okay. I am guessing she thinks she is "helping". There is a guy on Youtube who operates under that guise. Really he has nothing better to do but obsessively make fun of cutters and say he's helping.
from i-am-jack :
The typing in your sleep thing is great. The amazing part is that it is all spelled correctly despite not making any sense. Makes me wonder what you were dreaming or if random parts of your brain were firing things off.
from wordwhore :
glad to hear it, sans the current anxiety. i had that bad myself last night. i'll keep an eye out for the email.
from i-am-jack :
I hope that last note was not too disjointed and made sense. Sometimes I type faster than I think. I make a lot of weird syntax typos that usually get cleaned up in the editing, when I am having one of those days. I wish this site had an option to edit notes.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for the warning. I did not see it and you did not cause any harm. You may have recommended it to me at some time, but I already knew about it and have read them a few times on my own. It isn't something I subscribed to or anything. But I take this as some kind of warning at a higher level for whatever mysterious reasons those things work. If you thought of me first, despite the fact the fact I am not the only one you know, there is a reason. It is easy to feel like the only one for every direction in a 1000 miles despite the Internet. I was actually surprised you knew more. If it upset you that much, then I definitely do not need to see it. Though honestly it is such a misunderstood and mocked thing there is a lot of asshole articles out there. You have to learn to avoid it like all the other crap online. But it's the ones that haven't learned how to that or for some reason can't, that get the most hurt. If you are already in a destructive place or even looking for a good reason, you can easily give in to the morbid drive to read it anyway. I won't lie, the thought crossed my mind. But I didn't. It is fucked up that a site about peace and helping people could get it so wrong.
from boombasticat :
Thanks so much. It suprised me how much it socked me in the stomach.
from i-am-jack :
I am glad you are feeling better. I read both entries and I did not think you sounded like a punk at all. You are human. You have feelings and triggers. It happens. Yesterday I was talking to my old roomate/best friend and unexpectedly was raging and going off about my parents. I am still fucking pissed at them a little waking up this morning. Maybe there was something in the air yesterday.
from wordwhore :
i think that's probably true. feel free to email more detailed thoughts. i am well, thank you.
from wordwhore :
just got back from removing the rest of my things. doing ok. good luck with the ugly truths and forward movement. both are important to growth, i think. best.
from wordwhore :
was thinking of you yesterday. hope you're well.
from i-am-jack :
"The way your interior disturbances are involved in shaping your relationships with key figures is remarkable." Wow... thank you? I feel weirdly honored that you are not only reading but studying my writing. That was very eloquent. Most people just tell me my perception is very skewed. Your observation is part of where the Borderline comes in. I never developed a normal sense of self, socialization skills or a functioning connection between those two things. I grew up in a very volatile environment and had to learn how to read people fast and then react accordingly. It changed all the time, so I had to too. Yesterday's enemy is today's friend and it could reverse back and forth on a dime.
from i-am-jack :
That really sucks about losing your headphones, especially when you are already a bit strapped. I am not sure if you have a Big Lot's near you or a ride to one, but they always have some. They have a great technology section too, always decent stuff at way lower prices. I got my current headphones there for $8 on sale. They are the big vinyl puffy sound cancelling kind and have a great sound. The plug already crackles after only a few months but other than that I can not complain.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for the note. It made me smile a little. Not that I am constantly opening boxes, but it really does come in handy and it is a great thing to have. I want to get one of the ceramic ones, but I have a feeling I will always like the metal ones better. I might not carry too many (I don't think) but I definitely have far more than what is normal or sane. Kind of like that crazy guy who bought all those copies of Catcher in the Rye. I have a whole pencil bag filled with them. My therapist knows I compulsively buy them, but has never seen the stock pile. Even not knowing everything, she knows something. It might not be so much the fact I carry it, but the fixation. Your note helped me glimpse the bigger picture, the thoughts are still coming together. Maybe I will write about it.
from i-am-jack :
The connection at Tim Horton's was too slow to even load people's diaries on this site, so I ended up leaving shortly after leaving you that note. It was peak time and I had to wait to find somewhere to plug in but I got my bill paid. Finally yesterday the power came back on after almost a week! It would have been a week today. I hope you are feeling better since you left that last note.
from i-am-jack :
I just want to let you know I probably will not be on much for a few days, there was a violent wind storm that made a mess of my area. I have been without power for 2 days and am not sure when it will be back. They are guessing it will be days to clean up the mess. Right now I am at Tim Horton's. I mostly came to pay my internet bill, since the late fees are horrible. I am not sure when I will be back online from home.
from wordwhore :
sent you an email.
from i-am-jack :
On a brighter note, congratulations on finally completing the musical. It makes me happy that you are not collapsing but continuing to be inspired and do creative things related to and inspired by it. Maybe if you really miss it too much, you could make different alternate versions like they have for some movies. Brazil has one original and two alternates if I remember right.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for reading through all that and taking the time to think about it. Yeah my low self worth definitely comes from growing up. Both of my parents berated and verbally abused me constantly. I learned the fine art of self depreciation by middle school. I discovered it hurt less when I said it myself, and it also hurt them back. I just said the same things they said, that they deeply instilled in me, before they could or back at them in response and I realized it hurt them right back. So it is okay for them to say I am stupid but not me? Fuck that. I'll turn their own knife back on them. Over time it got worse and worse as I internalized it. And as they continued to destroy my self worth. As for my therapist, she admitted that she was wrong and apologized again and again. She knows she fucked up. We have mostly moved on from there, but she permanently added to the intrusive thoughts and it was such a mind fuck because it happened at an incredibly weak time, and from someone so close to me. The last person in the world I would expect. It happened but she really does care and is the first one that is really working. I have told her things I have never told another therapist or even anyone. It really is something to say those horrible things and still be liked. I get that a lot right here on this site. Maybe you need someone new who is close enough but far enough and go into it with the intention to disclose anything you need to when you are ready. It takes a lot of trust and a totally open door with no expectations.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for checking in on me. Yeah I have been in a pretty bad depressed funk that I am really having trouble getting out of. My sleep schedule is so fucked up and that is not helping things. You don't have to apologize. I have not even been on here in a few days, I have not been that accessible myself. At least you are consumed by something you love. I can't say the same or even really much of anything for myself.
from i-am-jack :
I am not sure what you mean exactly by he has died? Sorry for my ignorance. But I am concerned, honestly I have been kind of worried what is going to happen to you after this is completely finished. Sometimes people fall into deep depressions after something big has been their life for months, such as planning a wedding. Then after the grand event, they feel lost. If he has "died" in that the character is not speaking to you, it might be that you are not ready to be finished with this as much of a driving obsession as it is. He might not be dead as much as gone quiet. If you have killed him off in your mind or in words, then that is going to hurt, because he is a part of you. It might fuck with you more than a non writer ever could understand.
from jimbostaxi :
Ty again :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Ok it's posted now
from cloudy-night :
I never thought of you as broken nor did I think you needed meds. That is just my opinion and I can't speak for anyone else. I don't know if it is the medicine or what, but sometimes people get angry for no reason whatsoever. And the last time I checked, you were people. I hope that when you go to visit your doctor, he can find an alternative for you.
from i-am-jack :
I ended up getting off the computer to have dinner and hanging out with my landlord for a few hours. Now I am too tired to think so I will email you tomorrow. I enjoy reading your project blog
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for letting me know. Sometimes I am online, but I am in another tab. I was actually just reading your project blog. I was just thinking of emailing you. I have been having a lot of these weird moments lately. It's pretty cool.
from wordwhore :
your note is noted. my headspace is incorrect for considering it further at present.
from i-am-jack :
Good luck with getting the job! You sound more than qualified. You deserve good things.
from i-am-jack :
Wow...thank you for somehow seeing some light in my darkness. Sometimes I feel like I am this dark fallen emo angel or something. It seems that you can see some of that, though I am not sure how. I definitely come here to get out my dark side. But I have always been dark even when I am happy. Even as a kid.
from i-am-jack :
I wrote this a few years ago when I was beginning weaning off Paxil. i-am-jack.diaryland.com/140824_12.html Just dropping 5mg at a time was horrible and I was coming down off 20. So it took a while. Over a year. Even being 2 years clean now, I am not back to normal. I have head zaps every morning. There are stories online of people having them 10 years later with seemingly no hope of it ever stopping. Thanks for the congratulations. It is weird to still think about and even miss something that I also feel bad about having caused me lasting long term side effects. I found a whole bottle when I was cleaning that I had buried in the back of a cabinet, so I would not be able to easily get to it. I couldn't throw it out and still can not.
from i-am-jack :
You definitely have to be ready and really want it. But I still feel the same. You are a strong person and a miracle. It would have been a tragic loss and waste if you just went down the drain on that stuff. If it was me, I don't think I would have made it. I just do not have the will. What lead me to this research initially was I was curious about how endorphins work in relation to self harming. I am not going into detail here, but I found a way to get a hit of something incredibly heady and better than sex. My feet feel like they are coming off the ground. There was no number for that, but I tried to imagine something hundreds of times stronger. I thought about how good Paxil felt in the beginning and that it is chemical cousins with cocaine just on a smaller level. I have been 2 years clean and as much of a bitch as it was to quit and the damage a 10 year prescribed habit dealt to me, part of me wants to start again when things were still sweet.
from i-am-jack :
Oh no, never. The almighty holy candy is never at fault. Ever. This reminds me of when the Master Interrogator refused to believe me that Lexapro made me suicidal. According to him, I happened to be suicidal at the time and blamed the medication. Fuck you, I think I know myself better than that. It felt so horrible I wanted to die right then and there. Do I really need to do something stupid to prove a point? This is one of the reasons I am not seeing him. It really is not safe for me or him.
from i-am-jack :
Wow that is kind of uncanny, just last night I was writing in private about how I am all over the place. I am the sheer opposite of integrated and it is both very organized and a mess at the same time. I am not sure if I am capable of being or having one self. Sometimes it gets messy and complicated when I am not sure if I want to keep cutting the pie into smaller and smaller pieces. I have these moments of not knowing how to organize myself sometimes. I was just talking about this in therapy today. You seem to get both it and me. Thank you for your compliments by the way.
from musikoid :
Test.
from i-am-jack :
I can not believe your stupid psychiatrist basically put your sobriety in danger like that, with probably the hardest drug there is to kick. Now is a good time to tell you I basically think you are both a strong person and a miracle, having escaped that foul substance as you call it. Doing some research on how the rewards center works, endorphins and how drugs work one night, I was blown away that your poison was at the top. I knew that already but the way they broke it down was mind blowing. I am not sure how they measured it but it was about 1200, coke is about 400, sex 200, eating a good meal about 100. So yeah...
from i-am-jack :
The majority of them seem to be monsters at least from my experience. I was trapped in the hospital with one of them! He was making me even more unstable and very physically ill. HE was making me fucking crazy changing my meds every other night blowing up my brain. I only got out in 12 days because we had a sudden influx and I was one of the oldest batch. But yeah I completely believe you that yours broke you. I am seriously more cracked since mine did that to me. He is still writing my prescription just without the visit. He even wrote a doctor's note stating I cannot work for DHS and is fully on board with me and disability. He thinks I am totally nuts, far more nuts than I actually am. But it works. Maybe I really am more nuts than I think I am. My friends seem to think so.
from cloudy-night :
I think you would make a great teacher, you have that kind of professor "vibe" to me. I hope you do get married to that woman one day, you'll a good man and she'll be blessed to have you. I feel guilty every time I masturbate and a lot more so when I think of someone I like. I'm not catholic, but I always recite hail mary about twenty or thirty times. It kind of reassures me that I'm being forgiven. But I like the way you make it sound. When you're finished with your script, I'm definitely going to read it. I don't sleep a lot because of depression. I just sleep because I like to sleep and because I don't do anything. And I agree, sleeping for only 6 hours isn't healthy, but I can't keep sleeping for 10+ hours because that isn't healthy either. I chose 6 because I plan on getting another job and I truly think that it's the best I can do without becoming cranky. I will try to eat some raw vegetables and see if there is any difference -- thanks for the suggestion!
from i-am-jack :
I like your weird thoughts, thank you for sharing them. I never got the email, somehow. But I have been following you at the other blog and at least get the jist of the work situation. I am glad that things are getting better with everything in your life. I am also happy that you just couldn't stay away. Yeah the Master Interrogator needs to go. He does not seem to genuinely want to help people, it even seems like he wants to hurt them. The only reason he is cooperating now is probably because I filed a complaint. In a weird way, I am getting my way. I want him to go but at the same time, I really like not having to see a psychiatrist. It would be nice if things could just stay like this.
from i-am-jack :
Obligated to *us*
from i-am-jack :
It's great to have you back! I don't think you were being an asshole. You are not obligated to use Misery style or anything. If you are not up to it or don't feel like it, you just don't. I have disappeared for months, and even most of some years on here. Anyway it really is great to have you back.
from cloudy-night :
Welcome back. You shouldn't feel guilty, you had to what you had to do. I was just about to email you and then I saw you were back on d-land. Although, I think our emails can go more in-depth. You were missed.
from jimbostaxi :
Heessssss backkkkkk! What's up my friend good to see ya! I'm headed to work just dropped in to say hi
from i-am-jack :
There is an emptiness in my life where your words and online presence used to be. I miss you and am really worried about you.
from jimbostaxi :
Just saw the email
from jimbostaxi :
Can't log on
from i-am-jack :
I am worried about you locking up. I am not sure what happened but I am thinking of you, hoping you are okay. Answering the questions you asked in my notes, the disability is moving along at its own pace. I just got the mother book in the mail and not much time to get it back to them. And as for the Master Interrogator, so far I am still in the program. I do not have to see him, it has been deemed unsafe for both of us. He reluctantly refills my prescriptions as needed. Every time my name comes up he is all like "Is he here?" So yeah he is afraid of me. There is a rumor that he might be retiring, so maybe they are just waiting for that to happen. He is an ornery old ancient toad and needs to go. They want a new doctor that would be more fit for the job, one who can and will prescribe things to help the addicts quit. He will not write any of it. My therapist has to drive long distances to a clinic to get suboxin for some people who need it, because he will not write it there in the office. So they might replace him with someone better and I will probably see him when he arrives. But it is a lot of hear say. For now I don't have to see a psychiatrist and it's fine with me.
from wordwhore :
Ugh and losing writing is never a good feeling, whether it's 3 pages or just 3 lines. I'm so sorry.
from i-am-jack :
I hope you are okay.
from musikoid :
Test.
from wordwhore :
Ugh and losing writing is never a good feeling, whether it's 3 pages or just 3 lines. I'm so sorry.
from wordwhore :
Yes, getting the stuff will help me tremendously. I wish it was all done. I had intended to get it all, but many things stopped that happening. Hopefully, it's over now, except for the stuff-getting, anyway. As for your entry, we will have to agree to disagree on that one, I think.
from cloudy-night :
The bible can be quite comforting, especially when things weigh heavily on the mind. To be honest, I only read the bible when I feel lost or when I desperately want God to bless me with something. I know it doesn't work the way for the latter, but hey... The play you're writing seems interesting. When you're done with the final product, I'd like to read it myself.
from cloudy-night :
I think it is awesome that you joined a writer's guild. So you are doing that and the opera as well?
from i-am-jack :
There does seem to be a lot of synchronicity at play with the three of us.
from wordwhore :
I've had a very similar experience to the bear hug and other hoohoo experiences as well. And I'm a Christian too, though a different breed than most who call themselves that. Lots of non-church-approved beliefs and experiences and activities.
from i-am-jack :
At one point you, me and Flood all were on at the same time. I thought it was funny.
from i-am-jack :
No I am still here, I just finished catching up on you. It was strangely comforting and grounding.
from wordwhore :
On finishing: CONGRATS! WELL DONE! On Christianity and "supposed to": I decided a long time ago that for such and all knowing, all powerful, all around us Deity, people sure do want to put a lot of constraints around God. I don't mean that's what you're doing. I mean that's what you've been taught. My grandmother always read Phyllis Whitney and Mary Stuart and those ladies wrote about crystals and ESP and my grandmother was a church goer (and one who never was much interested in explain things to me) so I had to work out how that could be when my father would rail and rage against "heathen" and "pagan" things like crystals and esp. And it hit me one day: if God created everything, and some crystals seem to have power, why then would using such a thing not be Godly? Would God not have created those crystals? Embed them with that power? This is very long for a note, but it realtes, I think. God could send us messages thru dead people either really thru them or using their face as a means to ease the message. I don't think it's unChristian in the least. Best ❤
from wordwhore :
Sound plan of action. good luck with execution.
from wordwhore :
don't be too hard on yourself about the email. you were in a different headspace, dealing with circumstances most of us can't begin to comprehend. it's not an excuse, but i say you can be forgiven for a little bad judgement. i doubt if meth contributes to good decisions. i know it sucks to write a thing like that and just feel like a right asshole afterward. i haven't read what you wrote, obviously, but i've been an asshole via email in the past myself and regretted it. we're human. we fuck up constantly. we gotta cut ourselves some slack, though, or we'll never climb upward out of the muck. ♥
from wordwhore :
thanks. i'm glad my note helped and i'm glad you're going to give it the 10 days. can't really say more right now. too much in my head. oh, except, i can't see the pics you posted. they show as broken links. best.
from wordwhore :
I know the adjustment period for a new (to your current system, I mean, not newnew) medication is rough, and I know running is important for your state of mind, but I hope you will try to give it a chance, not because it signals some achievement, some measure of "A has reached enlightenment now that he's on the prescription med train" but because I hope you'll remember you made the decision for yourself to get and take the meds because you didn't like the manic episodes you were having. And making that choice DOES equal self-awareness and growth. No one TOLD you to go seek help. You, Andy, yourself, master of your own destiny, recognized a malfunction in the synapse, didn't like it, and tried to correct it. And if the meds don't work with your life, they don't work. Only you can say that for sure. But I ask you, for my friend's sake, to give them a chance, even just another week at the lowered dosage, to see if they will smooth out and do what you wanted them to do. Whatever you decide, I'm pulling for you.
from wordwhore :
oh and no clue why links won't work. they go through fine for me. https://medium.com/@yonatanzunger/trial-balloon-for-a-coup-e024990891d5#.xycx1izhj https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVPI_olYDws
from wordwhore :
i'm in tn right now. bf is in tx. best.
from wordwhore :
Wow, 7.5 months already?? Incredible. I'm sure you've felt the time passing more slowly, but from here it seems like it went in a blink. I'm glad the depakote is working some positives for you and that you're getting positive feedback from people. Nothing like being treated better to make you feel better, eh? ♥
from jimbostaxi :
Missed your call the other day:0(
from i-am-jack :
Not sure it matters anymore, but I thought the note was well written, honest and sincere. I am glad things are falling into place for you with doctors, medication and all that.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for asking and letting me indulge your curiosity. That is really cool that you agree we are on the same or a very similar wavelength. It's okay that you are busy it happens. It seems like a happy busy for you.
from wordwhore :
The note to the therapist is well-reasoned and calm and, though I'm not sure you necessarily need to go into as much detail as you do (names of friends and such, is all I mean), I don't think there would be any problem with sending it as is, nothing that should make him second-guess accepting you back as a patient.
from patheticness :
Thanks for your note, appreciated it. Yeah, well I don't care for diet soda it's the hard stuff, the sugary regular Pepsi that is my guilty pleasure lol. I have tried but I just can't go a day without at least one, unless I'm sick or something. Anyways, I'm going to make a concentrated effort to drink more water, exercise more, starting with walking, and going to see a chiropractor for my back again. I'm not getting any younger and shouldn't take my good health genes for granted lol. Thanks again!
from wordwhore :
Thanks. I just felt like I needed to remind myself it was okay to feel bad because bad things were stacked up, but also that there were reasons to be hopeful, and I came up with the two list idea. I don't know if I'll keep it up daily, but I might try for weekly. I think MF is a positive too.
from wordwhore :
And hurray for doctors who listen without saying ignorant shit!
from wordwhore :
Hurray! Nice for things to be relatively easy for a change :)
from wordwhore :
I've had similar things like that, and, now that you mention it, while I was trying not to speak with MF, his name (which is also a noun) kept coming up EVERYWHERE. And I figured it was just wishful thinking, but maybe it really a message that I needed to fix contact.
from wordwhore :
I quite often get similar "responses" like that, but it's usually a song lyric that will come to me. Sometimes it's not the relevant lyric though and I'll think it's just coincidence and then I'll realize that another line from the song DOES relate powerfully and I think it's a response, no quotes. Transition could definitely be your issue.
from i-am-jack :
Who is Tyler? It is very possible to explain, but I like that you picked up on the fact that he is more than just some friend of mine. This would be best answered in an email, so that is what I am going to do.
from wordwhore :
I don't know what it is with the words because I do it too sometimes. I'll just completely put the wrong word, or I'll scramble the right one when trying to type it (see: me just now typing sarcmble). That second email I wrote, when I went back through it, I'd left out at least one word and written "everything" when I meant "every." It's getting worse, but it doesn't happen all the time. The brain is far weirder than we usually care to examine.
from musikoid :
Test.
from wordwhore :
Placing in a 10k after all you've been through. Wouldn't that be something? :)
from i-am-jack :
Okay I just wanted to make sure since you had written about feeling lonely and feeling like your emails were just spam to people. I tend to pull these disappearing acts. I have had some very dear online friends rage at me for "disappearing and reappearing at will" as one put it. I also have trouble expressing and showing appropriate affection. I look like I don't care a lot. And I have made people feel like that both online and in real life, too many times. As for the age thing, when I very first started reading you, I guessed you were probably in your mid 20's. I was surprised that you are as old as you are and still so full of youth and spirit. I tend to make friends with people younger than me and older than me. But rarely close to my own physical age. Most older guys are father figures to me. But I do not see you like that. I think of you more as on the same level as me. I wish I had my shit together too, but on my terms not societal expectations.
from wordwhore :
Visiting the other town for care seems like a great plan. Good luck. I don't know about medical records. I don't think you're required to share them, but I don't know for sure.
from cloudy-night :
So you're writing a script? Bet that will be interesting.
from i-am-jack :
Yeah you guessed it. I graduated in '96. I was in high school during the mid 90's. I am 38 but do not feel or act like it. I feel like my mental age ranges between 18 and 25. Sometimes even a little younger. It is something I both like about myself and feel self conscious about (but mostly only in relation to other people).
from i-am-jack :
I just want to let you know I am not ignoring you. It's been a rough and/or kind of dissociated few days and I have not been on the computer much. I'm sorry you are feeling lonely. I don't think of your emails as spam, even if I do not answer them all or in a timely manner, I do read them all and enjoy getting them. Catching up on your entries tonight there is so much I want to say. That happens to me all the time. I just relate and relate and relate. Even if I never relate any of that relating back. Don't mind me. I am a bit tipsy. Should be trying to sleep. But can't.
from wordwhore :
You *are* cared about, A. Hope you feel better soon. ♥
from jimbostaxi :
Hey, you never know how things will work out. If she's smoking with you that means most likely the rides free! Lol
from jimbostaxi :
Good luck kicking the weed my friend , she could have took a few tokes long as she sprayed the car up with air fresher afterwards. I'm sure you guys would have had a blast if I had more time I'm sure I would have more to write about with Maggie.
from jimbostaxi :
Ty for the note my friend I'm trying to make changes hopefully sooner than later.
from wordwhore :
Hope it all goes well for you.
from wordwhore :
The way you're thinking about Phil today is exactly the sort of thing I was struggling with yesterday. And I had to battle rage too along with a slew of other emotions. So I feel you on a deep level there. We have some similarities, I think. Especially when we haven't been sleeping. Best.
from musikoid :
(I did it again.)
from wordwhore :
Sorry you're so manic and can't sleep. I've been on the opposite end, feeling uber depressed. Good thoughts for you.
from jimbostaxi :
Got your note things just had me feeling claustrophobic like I couldn't breathe, things have gotten better last day or two so maybe I'll be able ok
from i-am-jack :
That's kind of funny, I do the same thing, especially when I am paranoid. One time back when I cleaned this steak house on the graveyard shift, I was *sure* the bosses hid the coffee maker baskets so I could not have any. Even after they said I could have as much as I wanted. I found them soaking in the kitchen. I also have this fear of being stolen from and am quick to assume irrational things as explanations. I started drinking coffee when I was around 15 or 16. It was the height of the Grunge movement and everything Seattle was cool. At first I thought it was funny and weird that my peers were drinking coffee. That was for old people. Until I tried it. A friend of mine ordered two coffees out of habit, instead of a coffee and a Coke for me. So I tried it and it was instant love. I'm sorry your dad was an asshole and played favorites. My brother was the golden boy growing up. My sister and I were old hat after he was born.
from i-am-jack :
It makes me sad that you can not see and appreciate you own brilliance.
from i-am-jack :
I just caught up on the last few days. Don't feel bad about the coffee maker. At one of my first jobs, the manager told me to put on a pot. Having no experience, I put some grounds in the basket, hit the one button and walked away to go do something else. A few minutes later there was all this coffee spilling all over the floor. She couldn't believe I did something that stupid and could believe even less that I had never made coffee before and didn't know any better. I always went out, because it got me out of the house away from my dad. That and he would not let me or my sister use the coffee maker. Apparently we were too dumb and we would fuck it up or somehow break it. By the time he decided we could, we said no thanks. He was just too anal and OCD over a cheap coffee maker. Anyway, in a pinch, I use paper towel. It does not make the best cup. It comes out weak, but hey it works.
from jimbostaxi :
I haven't been on that much,,,, trying to figure my life out,,I can't post when I'm stuck,
from wordwhore :
Sounds like you have had a very stressful past 12 hours. Hope it's better soon. Prayers in your direction.
from musikoid :
Maybe that's it. I don't know of course, I've only had psoriasis, and I learned that it takes many forms. My daughter had it too, at the same time. My stepdaughter broke out in hives once but they disappeared after a day or so. I'm no expert on any of this, of course. But I hope you get better.
from wordwhore :
Hm. I think from what I'm reading it's probably hives? But I don't know whether it's stress, infection or some allergy that's causing the flare-ups.
from wordwhore :
Don't think it is psoriasis. Not sure what it is. Starts as a small patch like a spider bite, then turns into a large collection of welts like a bunch of bad mosquito bites. Last time it lasted for a couple of weeks (though the itching is only bad for a few days, thankfully) and the bumps lingered as spots after that and occasionally the itching flared back up. It looks and feels like bug bites, but I got them in 3 different locations and 3 times and they get too itchy, too swollen and last too long. Glad you got some sleep and are in a good head space. Hope it continues.
from wordwhore :
I have thought often about God and forgiveness and in the last several years it has occurred to me, primarily when thinking about humans forgiving others, that God requires us to say sorry, be sorry, in order to offer us His forgiveness. Since we are lesser, I don't think we are actually expected to forgive fully without those things either. That's more of an observation than any attempt at helping you with your situation because I really don't know what help to offer. I too have experienced that feeling of God being uber-present and then being seemingly called away for other business just when *I* felt He was most needed. Clearly He disagreed, but it's a hard feeling and scary.
from i-am-jack :
It's okay. They're safe. That email is mine too, I just don't use it.
from i-am-jack :
Hmmm it isn't in my email. I sent you some mails, maybe you typed my address wrong?
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for sending me the first three scenes. I will let you know when I read them. Could you send me the Siddhartha monologue too? The audio file.
from wordwhore :
Yikes! Glad you weren't hurt!
from wordwhore :
sending you an email re:food options
from wordwhore :
very cool about the impromptu piano performance. sorry the church service had issues. i would have been a wreck myself, had that happened. it's usually the way that we have these mishaps in front of people we least want to.
from i-am-jack :
Even though I have not been doing much of my own writing or leaving as many notes, I have been reading. I am one of those people who notices and remembers "everything". But I do read what you write carefully because your writings have a tendency to disappear. Especially the more charged stuff.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you. Yeah, I am a very metaphorical person it seems to be my natural mode of thinking and experiencing the world. It just sort of came out, as stiff and forced as I felt writing that last entry. And I don't think there is another person in the world who loves me more. It is to my sister. Sometimes I write a bit out of order, processing the feelings before writing the full story.
from i-am-jack :
Actually I did notice. I read the entries both separately and in the new combined form. I like what you did with them and I think the writing is very good. I really enjoyed it. You elaborated and added a lot more personal depth to it. You also did a really good job weaving the two original entries together. That can be challenging sometimes bridging words that were not originally written in the same flow together. Sometimes I do that with entries I started but never finished that are relevant to what I am writing now. You did a great job putting it all together. If I had not read them as individuals I never would have noticed.
from i-am-jack :
I just want you to know that I am reading you as well. I have been meaning to write you an email, but have been a bit tired, busy or preoccupied myself.
from wordwhore :
I don't know what's happening, but I hope you're all right. Take care of yourself ♥
from wordwhore :
Just sending positive thoughts for it all working out the way that's best. Whatever that means for you.
from wordwhore :
Glad it helped a bit ♥
from jimbostaxi :
Dropped you a note on your other blog
from jimbostaxi :
I wanted to lecture her but sat and listened instead, If I said anything I might never see her and the baby. It felt good to hug her I've missed her so much.
from jimbostaxi :
Dude just catching up with your situation, ill hit you up with and email
from wordwhore :
I've never seen anyone who comes down from pot as hard as you seem to. It's like, when it leaves your system, it takes all your joy with it and leaves little but rage and misery behind. It makes me sad for you because I know you suffer a great deal in this state. There's nothing I can do to help, except, possibly, acknowledging the state you're in and letting you know that I see you and I want it to get better for you.
from wordwhore :
Yes, you're right, it was not easy, seeing that photo, but it gave me some resolution for that situation at present, taking it off the table and clearing my mind a bit. The fact that I'm not talking to him and still feel I want to move forward with ending things with O gives me closure on that particular niggling doubt that I was having, ie "But AM I only leaving because Manfriend?" I mostly knew, but anxiety rarely listens to truth. Now I know for a fact that it's only correlation, not causation and my anxiety can't tell me otherwise. Sorry I haven't been more responsive of late. My brain isn't in the right space to take in your music at the moment, and I don't have any helpful advice re: smoking things at this time.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for letting me know you are reading and appreciating what I do. It really does help keep me going.
from i-am-jack :
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/creativity
from i-am-jack :
I have to say watching your creative process is very powerful, beautiful and fascinating. You are a true artist. There really is something cosmic happening, regardless of what influences you are or are not under. But I think these rises and falls, influence and not influenced times are all part of the grand picture. It is like creatively breathing in and out. Your chest rising and falling. The human spirit can reach incredible heights, the challenge is the mind and body being able to sustain them.
from i-am-jack :
Congratulations on your powerful creative liberation and blissful absorption into the project. It seems your creative soul has gone to heaven. I miss you here back on the mundane earth.
from jimbostaxi :
We're good just trying to survive thanks for the note
from wordwhore :
Glad he was there to catch you!
from wordwhore :
Oh, I'm well acquainted with that phenomenon, as well. It's fairly common in people who've experienced sexual trauma, as I understand it. Fear and sex are tightly tied together in the frail human psyche, and sometimes they get quite confused and distorted. The question, really, is would you ever act on thoughts like those in real life? Given your subsequent disgust post-thoughts, I'd suspect not, but that's a Q&A for yourself. At any rate, prayers for you.
from wordwhore :
A, I used to experience the same guilt and depression over that one act. Then one day I was given to believe that my body was made to feel these feelings and there was nothing I her entry wrong in them. God made my body, after all. Gave it it's capacities. Then I learned there is an actual scientific reason that one may suddenly be overcome by guilt and remorse after such an act. It's often called "sub drop" in BDSM circles, but basically, it's hormonal shift and is easier to deal with for some when they recognize it for what it is. Wish you the best ❤
from i-am-jack :
I actually had the "courage" to write about the squalor that has been my life lately, after reading one of my favorite authors Augusten Burroughs "Dry". He was even more painfully honest and it made me feel better about my apartment and state of being. But I really connected with it and was glad he wrote the whole book itself. I am glad that you were able to connect to what I wrote too.
from i-am-jack :
I hardly know what to say to your beautiful note. Thank you. For both reading and sharing. I am not always that dirty and depressed but when it happens, it can get bad. Really bad. Usually I am actually quite hygienic. I like to look and smell good. I feel the best when I am working out regularly. I am starting to come out of it, slowly. I smell better at least. And that makes me feel better. I still not functioning very well but I am working on improving it. It is weird but sometimes I validate myself. I imagine a stadium of applause for me because I washed the dishes or something. It makes me laugh but it works.
from wordwhore :
It's done :) Don't know how much traffic it will garner, but it's out there in the universe now. ♥
from wordwhore :
Can I quote the two paragraphs about what homeless people want and the worst part about being homeless on my Facebook author page? I can give it attribution or not, but I think it's a message a lot of people would benefit from hearing and having heard.
from wordwhore :
Sometimes cutting out people we love who hurt us is the better way to go, as I can attest.
from i-am-jack :
Wow...thank you and you are welcome!
from i-am-jack :
I checked out the links you left me and they work. If anything I think it was a more enjoyable experience being able to see the rest of the details like the lyrics and the story line to the musical. I think you are an epic poet and it is going to be amazing. There is a certain cosmic quality to it all that I can not quite put into words, because it is a feeling. An essence all its own. And that is a really good thing creatively.
from wordwhore :
No, 987 days was just a bit of hyperbole for how long it feels like I've been overly emotional. I've actually known O almost exactly 16 years. 9 days shy of that; however many days that is, it's more than 987 ;)
from wordwhore :
Hope the situation with the neighbor resolves soon and for everyone's betterment. Sounds incredibly unpleasant. I would not be able to put up with it any better than you, I think. Possibly much worse.
from i-am-jack :
I don't think you are typing the links wrong, since I have never been able to get any of them to work. The same thing always happens. It goes to a white page with no error message. I feel like I am missing out not being able to hear your music. Thank you for the other links, hopefully I will have better luck with those.
from patheticness :
Thanks for you note. Yes, I do agree with all of what you said, and in my discussion I explained that to my boss and that it was like a kick in the teeth after nearly 6 years of being a hard working loyal employee for her. She agreed she took the human factor out of it and was sorry for that. She also noted that day that it was ONLY a couple bday sessions and I said that was my point, it was ONLY a couple mini sessions so why couldn't she have done them or have rescheduled them. As a matter of fact, after my mom had passed, when she notified the customer of the one session I did do that day of that fact (but not that i did their pics when she was on her deathbed), this regualar customer actually mailed me a sympathy card to the studio! That meant more than she could have ever imagined. Well, since then, my mom-law passed and needless to say my boss went out of her way to be more than accomodating with my time off this time around and with my vacation to see my sister during my brother in laws chemo and then to see mom-laws fam for thanksgiving during the same month. I'd like to think it's because she is trying to right her wrong and she cares but I really think it's because she knows better and is afraid I will up and quit if she is not accomodating this time. Needless to say that I had let some misgivings go in the past on feeling unappreciated by them, but after that incident with my mom they bother me even moreso now. But I'm not in a position to go to another place right now and to be honest, I do love my job and the customers, aside from that BS lol. But thanks again! Im sorry to hear you had a similar experience.
from i-am-jack :
Do you have any of your music on another site, than what you link to here? It always just goes to a white blank page when I click on it. I tried using different browsers even and it still happens. Maybe it is because my computer is kind of old and I might not have something equipped that I need for it to work.
from patheticness :
Thanks and no problem if you dont have time to read it or note about it, don't sweat it lol. Hope the stress lessens soon.
from patheticness :
Thanks for your note. If you care to read the account of how it all played out it is towards the middle of this entry: http://patheticness.diaryland.com/151210_74.html But it will probably make you more mad lol. But thanks for your sympathy on it. Yeah...I was not happy and to this day am not about it. I have talked to her about it since but still.
from wordwhore :
Thanks, A. Much appreciated. I read your latest. I don't think legally they can let you go for something like that, and while that doesn't mean they won't try, I don't think they will. They seem to like you and you're good at music, so I think you should be okay. You seem to have left it in God's hands and that's for the best, anyway. ♥
from jimbostaxi :
Incredible strength when your angry?have you noticed your skin changing to the color green? Or better yet have you been overdosed with gamma rays or ripped through your clothes?
from jimbostaxi :
I'm a douche I was so tied up in my shit I didn't say happy thanksgiving ! Sorry dude
from jimbostaxi :
I guess I didn't word that well she's out and feeling better than ever! :9)
from i-am-jack :
Congratulations on the writer's block being cleared and your show moving forward!
from jimbostaxi :
Sent you some stuff on Skype keep a cool head my friend satan wears many masks use your head
from i-am-jack :
I was hoping complimenting you on it did not encourage you in the wrong direction or come across as non supportive. I am glad it didn't. It is one of my favorite entries of yours. And I definitely believe it too.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for being on my side and thinking positive things for me, at a time I can not really do it for myself. And by the way I loved the "spacey" entry. It was very inspired and powerful. It wow'd me.
from patheticness :
Dont be sorry for long notes, its ok lol. Thank you for your kind words. And there is a side of me that thinks I should not care due to how some of my siblings have not cared about things in the past, long story, will save you the drama, but I feel like I would be heartless not to and I am not them so be it lol.
from wordwhore :
No thoughts at the moment to share, just love and the hope that things positive will continue to come ❤
from i-am-jack :
No, you did not cross a line, at all. Thank you for leaving me such a long, heart felt, inspired note. It almost made me cry but not in a bad way. The problem with the safety in numbers is they are all with me but not to his face. Everyone is scared of him. He will never be taken down, the most I can hope for is escape, getting a new doctor that hopefully is respectful, and not getting kicked out of the program. I am a threat to him. He is so used to everyone fearing him and kissing his ass. I challenge his power. He might be more afraid of me than I know.
from patheticness :
thanks for your note. Yeah, both of my brothers have their vices and have never grown up. It's a really long story of family drama I don't care to get into right now lol. But I still do not want to see my brother die all the same of course. Have not heard anymore of it, so I'm guessing no news is good news but I'm going to try calling my brother who I talked to and maybe trying to contact the other today. Again, thanks.
from musikoid :
I suck at life.
from jimbostaxi :
thanks for the prayers sorry I haven't been around. She's out of surgery hopefully the worse is behind us now
from wordwhore :
On drains (because I can't speak on the rest of it), if you have wire coat hangers, unfurl one and work it into a drain and wiggle it around to break through clogs. I can't guarantee it's 100% effective for all clogs, but it's been cleaning the hair out of my bathroom drain for over a decade.
from wordwhore :
Oh he's clearly a dick, no argument there xD. But I still maintain barbecue sauce is SOMEONE'S cup of tea, even if 33.3% don't like it. Or even 50%.
from i-am-jack :
The fight has officially become a war and I may lose.
from wordwhore :
Just heard this in a video, and I will pass it along, since I think it's relevant: Just because one person doesn't like barbecue sauce, that doesn't mean barbecue sauce isn't awesome.
from i-am-jack :
That one thing making this so hard, I need this program to help me get on disability. And I can not fire him from my team. He is this untouchable mob king pin pretty much and thinks he is God. My run in with him was calmer today but no less triggering and horrible. It does not matter what they or I say to him. He even tried to wrangle that "You can't disobey doctor's orders" shit over me and I just got up and left. Okay BYE.
from jimbostaxi :
I've seen that movie maybe 20 times that's when he's up there in Alaska and shoots his partner in the fog, at times I feel like I'm whacked out on something I'm looking at stuff but my brain cant process what's going on I just stand there dumbfounded not knowing how to proceed
from wordwhore :
It's cool. I get it. Thanks for your note, regardless.
from i-am-jack :
Almost every medication I have tried has been pretty horrible. That is why I try to take the least amount of that shit as possible, yet everyone wants to give me a chemical lobotomy, it seems. More often than not these stupid meds fuck me up and make me even worse. I am tired of fighting this fight. But I am not backing down.
from jimbostaxi :
Freudian slips are always the most interesting :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Ty, for the notes my friend I'm still at the hospital I am her pitbull by her side watching for any signs of danger. I hardly eat or sleep in this mode i will do anything in my power to make her comfortable. She sleeps peacefully when I'm on post she worries about nothing Her only job is to get better and I wouldn't have it any other way. The shelter job really might turn out to be a bigger blessing than I thought I don't want to write about it too much yet as I don't want to jinx myself but I will in a few weeks more when things unfold. I will check my Skype for the Danielle messages hope they are nice and juicy :0)
from integrating :
Kudos for standing up for yourself!
from integrating :
I can always get public housing here, but I think he might be a jerk about my truck because it is being financed through his bank and it is in his name. He can be like that. Then I wonder if my bills would be more...wonder if it will slow me down from getting back to TX.
from wordwhore :
you could always open up a new diary that is just for you, locked down and completely secret, for the thoughts you need to get out but don't want to share. i didn't respond earlier to what you said about being outdoors, but i thought about it quite a bit. i don't know if i could live outside or not, but i sure as shit neeeeeed outside time. i have to have time in the fresh air (and preferably the sunshine, but stars and moon work too) or i am useless to myself and others. when i was able to take my laptop and go sit outside all day (before the fucking mosquito infestation happened and ruined it for me) i could write as much as i wanted, as long as i wanted and just get to this other place and i was so happy, A. So, what I am saying is, as much as I can do so, I GET IT. I don't think I could live there because I have to be able to hide from everyone sometimes too, but I can understand wanting to, needing that freedom. There's nothing like it. ♥
from patheticness :
I have just now sort of caught up on reading entries and I am so sorry to hear about your sister and sorry I did not send this note a lot sooner. I would be lost if I ever lost my sister. My heart goes out to you.
from integrating :
If, no ..when, I go back to tx I won't be returning to where I was living before.
from integrating :
I'm so sorry for your loss. Hope you have many happy memories.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you. I am a bit taken back you got that much from it. I was just emoting, venting, getting it out. As strange and overwhelming as it all was. That's an interesting question. I have entertained the idea that one reason I am so self destructive is I am like a crazy animal. When I have to live a meaningless monotonous shit life not on my terms and against my will, yeah I am violent, destructive and bored. I crack up and have nothing to lose. When I am on my own terms, I calm down significantly. I am capable of being content, complacent even. But the stars have to line up just right and it has only happened a few times in my life. But I am worried this laughing destructive part of me is getting stronger and stronger. If it really is too late for me, what if I could have everything I ever wanted and still be like that?
from wordwhore :
❤❤❤
from jimbostaxi :
My condolences on the loss of your sister :0(
from wordwhore :
I won't give you platitudes. I can't imagine what you're going through or how enticing embracing chaos must seem at this moment. I can only wish you peace and solace and hope that you will be well and with some semblance of happiness when the smoke clears. I don't believe the drugs ever gave you that, but who am I to say? I can only say how very sorry I am that you have been handed such grief and wish you well and send you love. ❤
from i-am-jack :
I am glad you were able to get off work today and confirm it. Even more, I am glad they have your back. There is something strangely hard about making those calls for some reason.
from i-am-jack :
I hope you can get some quiet and peace during this time. Expecting someone to work after just losing their sister is unreasonable. This being a church, I hope they understand. My sister tried to commit suicide a month ago, and had run off. I spent the night racing to find out where she was, if she was even alive. I did not go to work the next day. They gave me shit for it and I just gave them a fake sorry. I was not sorry. I can relate, but can not even imagine what you must be going through having lost yours. Almost losing my mine was too much.
from wordwhore :
I'm so sorry, A. You and your brother are in my thoughts ❤
from i-am-jack :
I am sorry for your loss, you are in my thoughts. You have been through so much in the last few days.
from integrating :
Yeah, pw when you feel like it.
from i-am-jack :
It was good to see you write something even if I can not read it. I understand the need to think in a vacuum sometimes, but I also would like a new password if/when you feel like it.
from wordwhore :
I see you updated, but I'm locked out. Whether on purpose or not, I hope you're well. ❤
from i-am-jack :
What happened? I missed the goodbye entry. I was just really starting to enjoy talking to and reading you.
from integrating :
(I stupidly added this note to my own note page.) Excellent question! Hadn't seen him since 2005. The year I first lost my mind, at his hands, first time I was arrested in the front yard after threatening to blow my brains out with one of his many guns and taken to a psychiatric hospital in another city. First of many trips to psychiatric hospitals.
from i-am-jack :
Yes it does feel powerful.
from jimbostaxi :
You being the adult and him being 23 you should have expected him to blow it up his nose or smoke it,, you were 23 once too remember? :0)
from i-am-jack :
Wow. So you get the same manic destructive feeling? You really do get it. It is the weirdest feeling to write something here or tell my therapist something fucked up, and I am smiling like it tickles, or I am embarrassed or something. Only I am not. Just this year I have started smiling when I am angry sometimes.
from i-am-jack :
I am just as confused as my therapist. I have no idea what is going on with the nurse saying she likes me. The only thing I can think of is compared to some of the other patients, I actually do seem nice. But she is at least a little scared of me. Maybe she likes it.
from i-am-jack :
I am glad I have succeeded in being darkly funny, to you anyway. I realize I have a sick sense of humor. There is a part of me that finds my own self destructiveness titillating and even funny. I am wired funny for sure. I have a feeling you got the jist of the "horribly funny" story. Maybe I can email you the whole thing, or just post it here with a warning. I am glad you enjoy. This definitely is not for everyone.
from wordwhore :
I suggest calling to ask about the $, crass or not. Tell him: normally, it wouldn't be a big deal, but you're a bit short right now. No need to explain to him further, I shouldn't imagine. Not really his business. You earned the money and he should be paying you.
from jimbostaxi :
I just sent and email but who knows you may get the same one 3-4 times as I was having some trouble ,, peace
from wordwhore :
don't know how that posted double, sorry. anyway, it's under the "blurbs" link
from wordwhore :
Yes, and I think the link is on my diary page somewhere...
from wordwhore :
Erotic m/m romance.
from jimbostaxi :
Lol, that is a true Jimbo fact !! Glad someone reads that page :0) dude stepfordtart died :0(
from integrating :
Yeah, my dad's bank declined me when I was trying to open a bank acct. I told her I had security freezes but she overrode it cuz she knows my dad, who has always been an ass. My aunt said it was because he was favored as a child because he almost died of tuberculosis and was in the hospital a long time. So he, I don't know, has always been a codgy old bastard.
from wordwhore :
Thanks. This was a kind of formless, nameless, general rage that couldn't be well put into words, unfortunately. Just a fury against injustice, unfairness, pain, confusion, people speaking in riddles when plain speak would be just as easy... things like that, but also just everything. The wind for blowing, the sky for being blue, the sun for shining in my eyes. I wanted to hit and rend and destroy. Sometimes, that gets turned toward particular people, often somewhat deserving, but often not. Today, I tried to avoid that. I didn't want to turn my mind against anyone who didn't really have it coming. So I went with distraction, rather than other outlets.
from i-am-jack :
I am glad you are feeling much better. There is definitely something to be said for working out and doing something creative. I too need both a physical outlet and creative one to stay somewhat sane and feel better. I read your email this morning thank you for sharing so much. I will write you back there too of course. Not gonna pull a one liner in your notes. I have been trying to get back into working out too. I worked out last Wednesday and it took this long not to hurt anywhere anymore so I can do it again. It's a good hurt though and I really do feel much better with a little muscle swell and tension. I feel less "soft" even if I obviously can not see any results. There are instant mood results though.
from jimbostaxi :
My Skype ID is jimbostaxi
from jimbostaxi :
I'll be at the part time gig driving so I'll have to catch the next Skype call sorry :0(
from wordwhore :
From Pippin, yes. I dearly love it. ♪Rivers belong where they can ramble/eagles belong where they can fly/I've got to be where my spirit can run free...♫ I can only strive for betters choices in the future, yes. As can you. You did not mention walking past your old house, that I recall. That's very intriguing.
from jimbostaxi :
Ty for the congrats ! And I have Skype now :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Is he still on? I could download Skype right?
from musikoid :
Right. Regretting the past serves no positive purpose. It's almost as though one has to embrace it in order to let go of it. I think you and I are sort of on a parallel thing here, in a way. I hope that whatever the reasons were why you chose to enter into something that your better self knew would be destructive for you, you will not permit such reasons to guide your path in the future. I echo my own hope.
from wordwhore :
To look for me for such a long time and still want a reconnection once I was found, yes, I would say that says something. I am glad you've reached Moscow and perhaps found your "corner of the sky" as it were. You certainly seem to be flourishing, in spite of the setbacks you've had. In regard to early psychic influences, my mother flew to Colorado and back while pregnant with me - I was born with an airplane birthmark and dreamed of flying from a very young age. I would say there are effects. ;) ♥
from jimbostaxi :
Actually no, abigail is mikes baby, sparky Frans daughter had MaryElla last year so we are on a roll over here lol
from wordwhore :
O is in TX, yes. My family is in TN. Historically, Manfriend has appeared in my life when I was in a situation I needed to get out of. Therefore, his very appearance was a flag for me that my life was probably not going the way it should be. I feel very much like I was walking around without my glasses, which made it easier to pretend I couldn't see the cracks... and Manfriend came along and put them on my face, just by virtue of his showing up.
from i-am-jack :
I definitely agree with you and the studies on the creative power of sleep. I have been inspired by dreams many times and am a total wreck if I can not sleep.
from i-am-jack :
You might have a future in narrating documentaries or reading E books.
from jimbostaxi :
You know I don't normally put up stuff like that but it's how my mindset is right now so I wanted to record it :0) we all need it yes sir and thank you for the phantom like :0)
from i-am-jack :
I started to listen to your speech but the damn phone kept getting texts. I am saving it for when I have some time to do it justice. Only listened for a few minutes but I am hooked and damn you have the voice of a lion. Not that I expected you to squeak or something. Just wow.
from wordwhore :
That's fantastic! So glad it turned up! And that you're happier. Mysterious ways, and all that. As for your voice in my head vs on the audio, it was similar, but of a deeper timbre and more mellifluous than I heard it in my head, I think. Also, slower. I did note the "liberal social worker" part and assumed that wasn't the political reference it sounded like. I think we've established you are not a political conservative ;) You are probably right about how many prefer sleeping outdoors, but don't have it as respected as Melvin. My hometown is relatively small. I doubt that he's the only homeless man there, but I don't see them around, the way that I do in Austin and Nashville. No traffic light panhandlers and such. Although in Nashville, someone has done something that ties into what you were talking about in a big way and talking about the panhandlers is what it took to make me remember. They created a newspaper. They give homeless people a certain number of copies to sell. The first batch is free for them. They can keep the profits, but they can also buy more papers for a small amount and sell those and keep all but the cost of more papers. It allows them to do something worthwhile, earn some money, still be independent, but also, they've been given a small leg up at the same time. Instead of begging for coin, they are offering goods for coin, which means most people are more willing to pay. It's a legit paper, so the people buying are getting something worthwhile, while helping someone else. It's a brilliant idea and one which was, last I checked, working very well.
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, I agree i think Ill be fine but the proof is in the pudding they say so we'll see ,,, for you my friend lay of the freaking weed and you'll be fine your a smart man I'm sure you know how to get your hustle on now let's stop the shenanigans and dig up some students :0) all said with love and respect just how I would tell you on the phone :0)
from jimbostaxi :
I really didn't go deep in my entry but it's a weird dynamic at the part time gig, not a bad weird a good weird if there is such a thing. The hours seem to be up in the air at this point but I think we are leaning towards 9-12 they hired me without a plan we are both just making it up as we go along which is the first weird thing. Next everyone at this place is oblivious to your on the clock do your job thing, from what I can see no one is pressured they all just float around a lady came out from the office and spoke to the guy training me while his boss and I stood on the sidelines the conversation lasted about 35 minutes and was about her rabbits. 4 people doing nothing for 35 minutes I'm so not used to that atmoshere I do at least 2-3 different jobs by myself on most days dispatch, answer phones, trouble shoot car problems and book out drivers the owner at my place would have a fucking heart attack if he saw 4 people doing nothing for 35 minutes so yeah that's weird but I'm ok with that. Thanks for the note :0)
from wordwhore :
You know, I never realized I had a voice for you in my head until I heard your actual voice. How weird. At any rate, I like your points about patience and technology. The part about choice is quite interesting. There is a homeless man in my hometown who has been so for decades and he is very vocal about how he prefers it. People have offered him a place to stay, etc, and he has rejected each and every offer. He prefers being outside. People around here know him and let him come inside convenience stores out of the rain or when he just wants a cool place to sit while he eats. He seems relatively happy. He walks around everywhere and always seems chill. That is of course not a typical scenario, but only his particular story. I got distracted by your story about Douglas and lost the point of my note. Anyway, it's a very interesting speech. Many of these things never before occurred to me because I've never been in that situation and yet I can relate to the can-collecting scenario in that I did freelance, underpaid writing, in order to maintain a self-employed status, rather than becoming too dependent on others, so I have immense respect for that sort of thing. I find the Matilda story hitting me a bit too close to home and I need to regroup.
from i-am-jack :
I can not thank you enough for reading and all your kind words. It means a lot to me.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for all the notes you left me! Damn I hope your wallet is returned. That is some serious bullshit. I'd never use that laundry room again with all those shady fucks around. Let's hope the ass who tossed your clothes out has half a conscience and does the right thing. I really hope you find your wallet safely somewhere else at home. Check all your other pockets. Anywhere it might be.
from wordwhore :
It has been a little over an hour since your entry, so I hope that our prayers have been heard and answered by this time, that your mind has calmed and that your wallet has been located. And that you know that Jesus loves you very much. ♥
from musikoid :
DiaryLand is the only thing keeping me sane at this moment. Thank you all for being my friends.
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah, she's cut from a different cloth should be a very different atmosphere than the toxic environment I'm used too, the phone call thing is cool shoot me and email and we will setup a time and day. Thanks for the note :0)
from i-am-jack :
Sorry to blow up your notes, but I feel the exact same way at my job. I am trying to detach and take the pressure off by thinking just that. I have a pay check coming in. I show up and do as honest a job as I can. The way they play it could disappear over night, and I admit sometimes I push the envelope, but never with the actual work. I related to so much of that entry. It was really beautiful and profound.
from i-am-jack :
Wow it must be at least sort of common to have those dreams. In my dreams there is always a horrible fight or blow out and a breaking away. Not so much a need for them still. There is angry resentment and I can not believe I am still taking their shit. But I do find myself recreating fathers in my adult life. Father figures are always coming into my life. Good fathers. The dad I never had. Maybe they see a lost boy without a father and feel a paternal need to help me. Mother figures are rarer and more like grandmothers. The kind of unconditional mom that sees through you are the ones I let play the role. Calling it denial or sublimation kind of takes away from your spirituality. There is nothing wrong with taking comfort and strength in your faith. You aren't the only one who leans on their heavenly father. My dad lost his dad at 14 and maybe that is why is he is hardcore catholic. As for the shakes, I have been watching mine closely. More time than not its emotional stress, but I am not writing off alcohol playing a role. Thanks for taking some time to relate. It means a lot to me.
from i-am-jack :
I laughed a little about your ego not letting you not correct it. I know how that is. I am the same way. And any time I experience synchronicity it reaffirms there is meaning to life,to my life, even if it is fleeting. The more open and tapped into it you are, the more it seems to happen.
from wordwhore :
So glad you woke up feeling like yourself again. And that the trip to Safeway was a pleasant one. ♥
from i-am-jack :
I sent you an email.
from i-am-jack :
I just read back on your last few entries and just want you to know, I feel you. For whatever it's worth.
from i-am-jack :
Those numbers are horrible. Horrible. My friend almost went through with it because he was treated so rudely and dismissively. I have never called one and never will. If you are seriously afraid and feel like a danger to yourself, 911 and the hospital are better than the alternative. I hope you have come down and feel better.
from wordwhore :
If you do, email me.
from wordwhore :
Oh, A. I think the weed impacted your brain chemistry in a very negative way. You don't sound like yourself at all. Do you have PayPal?
from wordwhore :
I'm sorry it's hard again right now, A. I know it's a precarious and difficult path you're walking. I can't pretend to know just how difficult or precarious, but I can and do pray for you and cheer you on from my vantage point a couple thousand miles away. You are so different now than you were in Berkley, in such a positive way, which I don't know if you can always see from where you are, but it is clear from reading your entries that you have come so very far in such a short time. I believe very strongly that you can and will keep going and leave the struggles of your time in California in the past. You are in my thoughts and prayers as always. ♥
from i-am-jack :
Hmmm weird I am still having the same problem. It could be my browser or not having something I need on the computer. That sucks.
from wordwhore :
Just listened to VSW - I like it very much ♡
from musikoid :
I had to fix one of the links, but it should have been working till recently. I just checked all four and they work on my end on different browsers - they're not just going to local files. You can try again but I'm not sure what the problem would continue to be. (I assume you're referring to the links on the *Very Same World* entry.)
from i-am-jack :
I tried to listen but when I clicked on the links it went a blank page. No errors or anything. When I back clicked it went back to the entry before this one for some reason.
from i-am-jack :
;^)
from wordwhore :
Your entries are finally showing up when I click your names without my having to click into the archive - hurray! I'm glad the cell phone issue was a temporary thing. I mean, you can get "burner" phones through Tracphone with prepaid minutes (that used to not expire for 3 months, but I'm not sure now) that aren't hellaciously expensive, but if you can live without one, it's probably better. Always wishing you the best ♥
from i-am-jack :
Thank you. Got them both.
from i-am-jack :
I sent you that email very early this morning. It says "It's Jack" in the subject line.
from i-am-jack :
We never spoke under that name, but yes I recognize it.
from i-am-jack :
Were you ever One Wet Leg? Someone by that name went off on me in my guestbook for no apparent reason then apologized the next day. I have gotten some kind of rude notes (I've been at this a long ass time) but nothing like that. I had never even spoken to that person, but he/she apologized and it was all good.
from i-am-jack :
I recognize you as this name. I think I first noticed you around on Enurta's diary then in some other places too.
from wordwhore :
Hope your experiment went well without any lasting complications arising. ♥
from i-am-jack :
Maybe we do need another bomb Andrew campaign. This site has not been too well maintained for a while now. Sometimes I imagine an old server covered in dust in a basement, containing our little universe here! I'll have check you out. We have had some of the same friends for a few years now. Degrees of separation and all that.
from wordwhore :
That is probably... no definitely... the best compliment anyone has ever paid me. Thank you. ♥♥♥
from jimbostaxi :
Love dad and daughter chats :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Friendship square
from i-am-jack :
Not trying to be nosy or notes eaves dropping, but yeah the newest entries have not been showing for a day or two for me too. I had to go into people's archives to find them. It seems to be working again on my browser.
from wordwhore :
I should note that the archives where the date changes is minstrelite and that I just saw Musikoid's date format does not change but is the same as the entries that aren't working on minstrelite.
from wordwhore :
I noticed while making new test entries (both of which worked and showed up in my archive with the same date format) that the date and time on the entry page says "change format" next to it. I'd never really paid attention. I tried to change my format and it wouldn't work, but you might give that a whirl! Change it so it matches the entries that worked and see if that makes your entries start showing up again? I don't know...
from wordwhore :
I haven't written past that one entry, but I'm about to, if only to test whether it will show up! I did notice in your archive that the date format is different on the entries that are not showing up! I wonder if Andrew changed the date format and didn't change the code that makes the current entries show up?
from jimbostaxi :
Loved that convo with Echo :0) your diary seems fine no problems that I can see
from integrating :
I take that back. My latest entry can only be reached by archives. But it did show at least once because I had a note about it.
from integrating :
I don't know why your entries are doing that. At least you can access them by clicking on archives. Mine was doing the same thing but only for a minute.
from wordwhore :
I have seen Sideways, yes. And yes, I've been seeing the same entry for you for days, even though I get a notice that you've updated - and it has happened on both your diaries, I think.
from integrating :
LOL, I've done that before more than once. Your entry "Tasteful" is not showing up.
from jimbostaxi :
Ty ! :0) sometimes they just flow out and sometimes I have to pull them out kicking and screaming
from wordwhore :
AMEN AND APPLAUSE for your political statements. I want to tattoo it verbatim on my in-laws faces. Ha, probably not wise, though, huh? ;)
from integrating :
It's weird, the only med that I did recreationaly when I shouldn't have, is xanax. I liked it way too much. I take hydrocodone for chronic back pain but I don't get a buzz off it.
from integrating :
buspirone...which I think is generic BuSpar
from integrating :
Thank you for the nice note and sharing....I have to take a medication to keep me from crying all day and night. That's how I lived before the addition of this med. I would cry all the time and after crying so long without being able to stop, I would want to kill myself. I'm a real mess. My parents are not bad all the time. Let's just say we're not compatible.
from integrating :
Thank you so much! It's nice to hear honest compliments. Yes, AJ is my 22 yr old son. He taught himself to play guitar, he sings and he started going to a local bar on open mic night some time ago. Then he gets recognition in a local paper calling him "local talent". (Hope I'm not repeating myself, I do that often.) No my mother is not an alcoholic, but the older generation in my family used to drink A LOT. I went through that myself in my teens and twenties. Thanks for reading my diary. I probably repeated myself with the latest entry. I'm so glad I might have helped you in some way. :)
from integrating :
That's a tough one about Jim. I'm too nice to bring up things like that too. Unfortunatly I end up blowing up at the person. So I have no solution for you.
from integrating :
I added you but it's not showing up with the other diaries that I read, the one that shows up with your entry. Maybe it will someday soon. :P
from integrating :
I read back to Gift From God. I lived in a car for 2 years. I've had days of no food since I was 18. I went without a bite of food for 4 days while I was pregnant. I can relate to you brother.
from integrating :
Thank you for the notes and for adding me to your faves! I will add you when I get a good line, lol. That's how I operate. or roll...LOL
from cloudy-night :
I'm sorry to you're going through the motions man. So are you going to return to Berkley? I thought you were doing good for yourself, but the heart wants what it wants. I bet it is hard, feeling all alone and without any resources. I think it will pass, but what do I know? I just want you to be happy and safe, my friend. I hope you're in good spirits Guru! Oh and thanks for the offer about tutoring me in math! I'm definitely going to have to take you up on it.
from integrating :
If you want you can send your pw to slicksundae@yahoo.com
from integrating :
Aww, thanks for the kind note. I see we are the only ones on d-land at the moment. I will definitely read your diary. :)
from jimbostaxi :
It's good now
from jimbostaxi :
Sent you a pas-ID to your email ,
from patheticness :
thanks for the nice compliment
from jimbostaxi :
Awwwww come on bro I have a fucking assistant who yawns like he's sending out a mating call on the Kalahari lots of dead time and annoying phone calls from people who wants cabs,,, I could buy ear plugs not to hear my assistant but then I couldn't hear the phones or my drivers,,,, I could try and care about my job but that's not going happen,,,, I could quit and move to Idaho but I don't have any money.,,, so I game a little and watch some porn,,, you want me to debate the cinematic value of porn? I'm not watching it for the music or acting I'm watching it to break up the gaming,,,I have now also added updating my resume and checking on jobs between my gaming and porn,, I wonder if I should add those to my resume ,,dear prospective employer please be advised that ,,, well you get the idea ,,, on a good note my chess game has improved a lot on a bad note the porn site spams my email a lot ,, football seasons here so I'm going have to add gambling to the porn and the gaming,, that just means I have less time for work ,, peace
from wordwhore :
Definitely is. :)
from wordwhore :
I don't know what may come of it, but we will continue to be friends, I think.
from patheticness :
I think it deleted now, and thanks! It's not coming up on google search now. I prob have nothing to worry about anyways, but thank you.:)
from wordwhore :
middle name. don't think you know that one.
from wordwhore :
that's actually one of the meanings of one of my real names ;)
from wordwhore :
Been on the road for a few days and just now had time to read your entries. Sounds like you hit another rough spot and I'm sorry to hear it. You are really due for some smooth sailing. As for your "TMI" situation, I could tell you my own thoughts on the issue, but I suppose it's a personal struggle where you have to draw the conclusions yourself to make them stick. At any rate, I've been flooding your direction with prayers. ♥
from jimbostaxi :
Ok dokey
from patheticness :
Also you made me curious so I googled my own name but I myself did not come up on my searches, so you may not be thinking I am the same person lol. But that's ok. I also googled my email address and my note to you came up, yikes, might want to delete that note with my email address in it, not that I think anybody is going to google my email address!
from patheticness :
Wow. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment so thoughtfully on my entry! I appreciate all of your kind words and sorry to hear of your losses as well. And yes, I'm probably one of the oldest dland members, lol. Not "old" persay but I am in my 40s now!
from cloudy-night :
I am glad you're back. We are similar, we can never stay away too long -- even if we try our hardest. I'm glad to see that you got over your nervousness. I hope that the choir rehearsal was successful.
from jimbostaxi :
Tried dialing no luck
from patheticness :
So I read one of your entries and did not have my computer remember the password. I thought I would remember it and stupidly deleted your email. I remember the login name but my mind is now blank on the password. If you still have my email, can you resend it to me? Thanks. btw my former diary was titled "blondeness" and this is one of those moments lol!
from musikoid :
OK, thanks.
from jimbostaxi :
Sent you and email
from jimbostaxi :
I'm thinking about your last entry here at work when I get a chance I'll try and leave a note or email or both
from wordwhore :
I'm not as introverted as I once was. Being with people can be be enjoyable and even rewarding for me now, but in the end, it's still *exhausting* having to be "on" and if I don't have a time of rest after a prolonged period of socializing, I become an angry, unhappy person.
from jimbostaxi :
Ty! :0) it's the "Pass it forward " thing trying to make this shithole better one good deed at a time
from wordwhore :
I am so glad you were able to find a workable solution Hopefully it won't be such an issue going forward and you can actually relax for a bit. Being triggered to a PTSD episode is not so much on the fun side, especially when you don't realize it has happened right away. It happened to me last about a year ago and it took me over 24 hrs to realize what was happening. It was not a good 24 hrs, in any way, for anyone. At any rate, I know this is all new territory for you, and honestly, I think you've done pretty well, all things considered. I'm rooting for you, A. Hang in there. ♥
from floodtide :
Sorry I've been out of touch - going through my own rough patches, as you know. But I am so pleased you have steady income and work that employs your talents. I will keep reading.
from jimbostaxi :
Been there my friend I know that feeling fucking shit sucks, thank you for the bday wish hope your ok
from jimbostaxi :
Dropped you and email
from wordwhore :
Well, I hope you do keep in touch. I wish you only the best. Take care. You're in my prayers. ♥
from jimbostaxi :
Congrats on the job !:0)
from cloudy-night :
I'm glad to hear that your anxiety is slowly disappearing and hope that your card arrives soon. Good luck with the meeting, hope you get the job!
from wordwhore :
from musikoid :
Actually things have gotten distinctly better inside my head within the past hour or so, and I in fact wondered if somebody was praying for me.
from wordwhore :
sorry about that. sounds like my old friend anxiety has you by the brain stem. hopefully, it will let go soon. for what it's worth to you, saying prayers for you and your situation and generally sending positive thoughts your way. ♥
from wordwhore :
I'm sorry you're stuck in such a harsh situation. Hopefully the debit card will be there soon. I'd help if I could, but I'm low of funds myself and from so far away there's not much I can do. :/ ♥
from patheticness :
ok no problem and thanks btw! look fwd to reading "you"
from jimbostaxi :
yeah, little by little speak to you in a few :0)
from wordwhore :
Just so you know, employers are not legally supposed to ask you about your medical status/health.
from wordwhore :
yes, poly as in amorous.
from cloudy-night :
Glad to hear that you made up with your friends, that is awesome! And I'm waiting for that scheme to make us rich.
from wordwhore :
Sounds like some negatives led to positives! ♥
from jimbostaxi :
No problem try again tommorow :0)
from wordwhore :
That definitely IS interesting to have two such coincidences like that! I've never had pink eye before. All I really knew of it was from 2 pop culture references, one of which was from when I was an 8 yr old girl in TN ;) Another coincidence is that my sister used to date a guy (and do lots of LSD with him) and he recently looked her up again after a 12 yr absence and confirmed her previous assessment by saying he believed he was somewhat of a psychopath, given his lack of empathy.
from jimbostaxi :
K I'll be up
from wordwhore :
glad you found your wallet!
from cloudy-night :
Damn, I'm sorry to hear that your wallet along with your debit card got stolen. That guy down the hall is a real asshole! So he made a copy of your key and just snuck into your home? That is crazy. You should kick his ass, you don't have to kill him. I'm sorry you don't have any money to tide you over. If I had it, I would give you a few bucks. I hope the job interview goes well tomorrow and hopefully they'll give you an advance.
from jimbostaxi :
Hahaha great note made me smile as I was getting ready for work thank you :0) I needed that! Good luck over there I would post more but I'm running late peace
from jimbostaxi :
I knew that :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Id like to think I helped just a smudge too :0)
from cloudy-night :
I know how it is with money problems. If you want to save a few bucks, go with ramen noodles. Hell, some days that's all I eat -- well besides a lot of snack cakes. Good luck on the interview, I'm sure you'll get it. I don't have much to spare, but I could scrape up something. Email me and let me know.
from cloudy-night :
Thanks for the kind words Guru, they meant a lot. And I have seriously been thinking I need to leave KC or get out more as you said. Things will get better, I know that. And of course I would've let you in to take a shower because I love you too.
from jimbostaxi :
let go? Me? unhappy does not even begin to tell you how I feel at the moment. I am trying to cope but I honestly don't know how long it will take ,,, check back in a year maybe two I might just be calming down then.
from cloudy-night :
I'm so glad that things are going well for you. It just makes me happy to hear that! I've never heard of a chigger before, got to look that up. I hope you find a place like Davis again. A nice place that revives you and renews your spirit. I wish I could run two blocks without getting tired, you're in great shape, eh Guru?
from wordwhore :
currently have the flu, so this will be very brief: looks like things are moving in a positive direction for you and i'm very glad. ♥
from jimbostaxi :
More mail
from jimbostaxi :
Sent you some emails
from jimbostaxi :
Everyone needs a friend even ones with liquor :0)
from patheticness :
lol well, thanks again, not sure to reply here or at your notes so will do both lol. I didn't know anybody else even came to this site anymore except me!
from patheticness :
Wow a note, lol. Thank you so much for your kind words and my heart goes out to you too.
from patheticness :
Wow a note, lol. Thank you so much for your kind words and my heart goes out to you too.
from jimbostaxi :
Musikoid Rambo Pope it does have a ring to it doesn't it?
from jimbostaxi :
Monday's good I'll be awake
from jimbostaxi :
ok no problem, if it was close guess I would tell ya . I will probably post the answer tommorow anyway
from jimbostaxi :
Sorry wrong come back after 12 to try again :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Nope try again one more guess then come back tommorow lol hey my friend glad your doing well :0)
from cloudy-night :
So you've decided to go back to your hometown? That's quite the move, but I bet it will be a good thing for you. Did you ask Art if you could stay in the cabin out back? Would that be ideal as well?
from jimbostaxi :
I was driving didn't see it till I got home, that book deal sounds exciting remember to have a pipe when they take your pic for the book jacket :0)
from jimbostaxi :
The plan to have no contact with any human being except for a select few, glad you didn't go through with that one :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Speaking as your friend your plan sucks
from jimbostaxi :
Left you and email hope you log on and check it out soon
from cloudy-night :
I don't know, but I miss Enurta. I bet she just went to another website or something.
from jimbostaxi :
He was at one time but after his diabetes got real bad he was my phone receptionist. Its going take a few days for me to believe he's gone ,,, and people might actually get cabs now... Its a topsy turvy world
from cloudy-night :
Glad to hear you made it to the meeting and it didn't turn out to be such a bad experience at that particular place. I'm really sorry to hear that you got kicked out of the shelter. Hell, you got sick there! So how in the world is that you were the one asked to leave?
from jimbostaxi :
Sent you and email:0)
from jimbostaxi :
We all worry about our little girls :0) sorry to drop that deep email on you. Sometimes I feel that notes that contain deep religious or political meaning are open to ridicule even persecution thats why I left it as and email. That's only my take on things don't let it stress you no response is necessary :0)
from cloudy-night :
Did you ever make it to the meeting?
from jimbostaxi :
Did I mention she looked like Janet Reno? See now I put that mental image in your head you won't be able to take care of business ,,, not unless that's your thing :0)
from cloudy-night :
I agree with your friend. Just do you and let your family and friends do them.
from cloudy-night :
I'm happy that things are working out for you in that new, unknown part of the world. You deserve to be blessed with some happiness and hope. I'm sorry to hear about Phil. I don't quite remember him and what he did to you, but I'm sure I read it long ago. I hope you won't have to choose between your music and Phil - truly hope you can have them both.
from cloudy-night :
I wasn't trying to call you out, I just know how it feels to be at odds with my brother and I thought maybe it was the same for you. You're going to AA meetings again, that's awesome! I hope you can find the happiness you're seeking. Love you too guru.
from cloudy-night :
So you think you was a little too harsh with your bro? You were upset and despite how it seems, some things can be taken back with a simple apology and a bit of conversation. I plan on deleting your note because I don't want it to hang around as a constant reminder for you. I'm happy that you were able to acquire the money you needed to leave town for a bit. You are a good guy guru and like any good guy, you're harder on yourself than anyone else would be on you. That in turn proves you're a good guy. I hope everything works out for you, it sucks you had to leave town.
from cloudy-night :
Sorry to hear your brother refuses to help you. Maybe he thinks that tough love is the only way he can help you. I don't know, I just hope all is well with you.
from jimbostaxi :
Watched those YouTube clips enjoyed them immensely forgot to say happy Father's Day to ya the other day.:0)
from cloudy-night :
Happy to hear that you are on the road to sobriety and I'm very glad to hear that you may have a place to stay soon. Sorry to hear about your friend getting robbed, but it's good that he was able to fight off the robber and that he survived.
from cloudy-night :
As far as the masturbation thing goes... Hell, we've all been there -- got to release it. I think that you are special and that your music will serve a very special purpose in this world. Regardless of whether you're homeless or not, makes no difference. I'm sure your music will be heard, loved and embraced by the world over. I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult time, I thought you were going to try to get into a place that you can call your own. Maybe I have to backtrack a few entries to find out what happened. Things will get better. It's said that God never gives us any more than we can handle.
from cloudy-night :
Wow, you travel all over Cali.
from jimbostaxi :
its a powder keg waiting to explode,,,,
from cloudy-night :
I hope you get into the program. I truly hope that things get better for you all around.
from jimbostaxi :
Hey my friend I think a program outside of Berkely is a good idea, thank you very much for the great notes :o) so you lucky bastard besides Italy where else you been?
from jimbostaxi :
3 years in Italy? Man, I hear it's beutiful don't you ever wish you could go back? I haven't updated my diary yet but just wanted you to know Jimbos official I passed the road test :0) thanks for the notes
from jimbostaxi :
Italian guilty as charged hahaha grandparents from Naples thanks for the note my friend :0)
from cloudy-night :
Guru, your message has opened my mind and I agree with you. People often use boredom as a reason to display intellectual dominance or as an excuse to avoid things in their lives. I kind of wish I was the workaholic type like you. I don't have a lot of activities going on, so there isn't any change in flow. I also agree, boredom is a spiritual enemy. There have been time when my boredom made me do very questionable things. You know the saying of idle hands. I'm also known to make a few horrible decisions due to boredom, so you're not alone. How are you? I've been reading a few of your entries and it seems like things are becoming steady and I'm glad to have read that.
from cloudy-night :
You're seeing a hard time, it has to be difficult. The desire to quit something, but a dire need for it as well. Something that helps you cope with everyday life, but also causes it's own set of problems. I hope things get better Guru, you're a wise man and a musical genius. It just seems like life is so unfair to me. You deserve so much better than the hand life has dealt you. I hope things get better.
from jimbostaxi :
I was going put "walk through the valley of death" scripture in my note but I thought it might be cliche. :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Praying for your safety my friend
from cloudy-night :
You were doing well, sorry that you fell off again. I know it's a hard thing to deal with Guru. I hope that you're safe and that you haven't been set up or anything. Be careful out there.
from jimbostaxi :
Sent you and email my fiend :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Looks like I have a monopoly on your notes page thank you very much for the vote of confidence. I think I'll be ok the trainers are real nice least they have been so far,,, I'm used to a poisonous work environment so this we are here to help you thing is cool I'll have to get used to it.
from jimbostaxi :
Hey, my friend I just was catching up with your diary been busy with the bus thing. I have completed all the steps in the process even though I was tempted to back out a few times because I am a lazy ass, I kept on having to motivate myself and remember I'm not happy here and super stressed. So now all that's left is the actual training behind the wheel they say the test will be in about 2 weeks. I'm not official until I pass that test so all this could be for nothing
from jimbostaxi :
Happy Bday! Fat homeless people jeez I'm coming for some grub over there. That's pretty scummy that someone stole the food they deserve a good ass kicking ! It's all good my friend one day at a time who knows what tommorow will bring :0)
from jimbostaxi :
wow, just started reading it and I must say its caught my attention. YOU AMUSE SIR! I bore easily and this is good stuff can't wait to get back to it. Thanks for sharing :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Duuuuude rock the house! You will get some groupies if you keep on jamming like that! I've been distracted lately but I'm still following your exploits.
from jimbostaxi :
She will be 20 this month :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Back maybe 15 years ago that would never happen I was emotionally closed off. I could compartmentalize just shove those emotions aside and keep on going it helped me deal with the things that were going on in my life. Then one day that all changed when I was dealing with "Fs" health problems I just lost it and broke down then the flood gates opened. I think that people who have a large support group are able to cope better. I'm too tightly wound up one day I'm just going break.
from jimbostaxi :
Glad you got your laptop stay safe :0)
from musikoid :
Oh man - this new computer is, like, too good. I was supposed to be at the Storm Shelter 25 minutes ago, and I can't seem to break away from it, even though for the past three days since I bought it, I had barely used it, and had spent most of the time regretting the purchase. Ever since I've been back in Berkeley, all I can think about is how to keep finding ways to be able to use it and keep it safe.
from jimbostaxi :
Awesome note :0) oh yes I will have to look you up if I'm ever over there I say we cross over to Mexico and do the party right! :9)
from jimbostaxi :
2300 bucks later she's out of surgery and home with us thanks for the note my friend :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Ah you may know the way to San Jose but can you sing it better than Dionne? :0) congrats on the job!
from cloudy-night :
I hope that things get better. Seems like the world is so unfair at times. I pray that things get better guru.
from cloudy-night :
I'm glad you're safe! I figured you went away to get some help and I hope it worked out. I has to be hard to lose your job and your place, but things will work out. I abhor the cliche' but God has a plan. Will you get your money soon? Are you good on a place to stay?
from jimbostaxi :
I'm sorry I missed your call was trying to dig my car out of the snow
from jimbostaxi :
Email sent with the # :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Glad your doing better my friend :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Well said cloudy night! I second what he said!! Plus one day I'll get you on the phone and we will have a nice little chat peace :0)
from cloudy-night :
I'm sorry that you're going through so much stuff. I know it's hard to battle your demons, but suicide isn't the solution man. I really don't understand the hardships you're going through. But I can somewhat relate. I have my demons too. Sometimes I want to give up on everything and just crawl up in a corner and rot. But we were given life for a purpose and to throw it away means that you've chosen to spit in the face of those who love you and the Creator. People struggle. What makes life worth living at times is the reward that comes from the struggle. You're a good person. You're kind, talented and wise. You have the strength to overcome anything. Don't give up man!
from jimbostaxi :
tonight they are acting weird/different I know they heard lol I don't think I could turn toward the camera and shit talk ... I'd have to be really really mad to do that :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Howard now knows the truth I wonder if it was your subconscious mind jumping in there to help you by sending it to the wrong person. Maybe according to your subconscious that was the right person,,,,
from musikoid :
No problem.
from jimbostaxi :
Sounds like a plan :0) sorry if I got a little carried away
from musikoid :
People I know who are in that mode (dealer, hustler, etc.) may engage in many fine conversations, through which they give you the idea that they're your friend, but basically they're only trying to charm you, when at the end of the day they want your money, and you somehow never see them at any other time. I think I have a plan now, however. I came up with it earlier tonight - it involves contacting a couple people to make specific statements and requests, and these are people who have been wanting to hear from me, and who can possibly help. If all goes well, things will be set into motion after that, and I can relax.
from jimbostaxi :
Friend? Don't pay him when it comes time and we will see how friendly he gets. Me myself I hate dealers, pushers, hustlers. Yep, I'm working for poverty level wages and dealing with these dudes with a large knot of cash trying to beat me for a fare,,, my rage is intense and all consuming. I seen them pull more than one kid under into the abyss it makes me sad I'm powerless to stop it. So my friend I pray you listen they are not your friend don't let them fool you peace out
from jimbostaxi :
I agree with wordwhore on that who knows what that could be laced with and then you go tripping all over the place and onto harder stuff. I left a message that I called at the desk I'll try again later.
from wordwhore :
i hope you can get back on your feet. the trouble with pot is that it can so easily be laced with other much viler things and you might not even know. and then your inhibitions are lowered and before you know it... on to harder things. prayers and positive thoughts all your way ♥
from jimbostaxi :
Don tell them my friend sending out prayers for you :0)
from wordwhore :
love you, friend. prayers for you. ♥
from jimbostaxi :
Hmmmmm do I get a Dland discount on my piano lesson :0) actually I'd rather have guitar lessons
from cloudy-night :
Hey Guru, it has been a while. Thank you for leaving me your new username and password! It is going to take me a while to catch up on all the entries, but from I read so far... things seem well and I'm happy for you. Thanks for the note too, just read it. Why doesn't d-land notify us by email when we receive messages anymore?
from jimbostaxi :
I gotcha my friend it's a sticky situation ;0)
from jimbostaxi :
i get it omit it now to save yourself the hassle but he's been straight up with you has he not?
from jimbostaxi :
Tell him the truth get it all out in the open let him say his piece. Done. End of story. Why complicate it with a lie ?
from jimbostaxi :
Stay out of trouble and have a happy Thanksgiving :9)
from jimbostaxi :
I laughed when I saw my new pass/user name I'm thinking is he trying to tell me something :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Interesting entry I think people make judgements based on there own prejudices and hang ups without any coercion or influence from anyone. :0) oh and rob is this customer who thinks he's someone important but he's a nobody! Correction less than a nobody he's a shit stain...
from wordwhore :
Looks like you changed the info again. Hope you're doing okay and enjoying your 3 weeks alone.
from musikoid :
I liked 'Piano Man' too. Have no idea who Rob is, but I don't think he'd best be headed toward that corner store. Mine's 30 - I just talked to her. She's my pride & joy.
from jimbostaxi :
In my mind she is still 10 the age that I left the house and my ex wife banned me from contacting her. She is 28 in reality and only been back in my life a short time I'm still making amends trying to make up for lost time which I know is impossible. I do try to keep at least some of my entries on the lighter side glad you enjoyed it :0)
from jimbostaxi :
I hate those rich elitist piece of garbages man I know you feel on that one. Take a sec to step back from the church gig thing before you get all bitter sometimes people get wrapped up in other stuff and forget to follow up. To me or you it may be the biggest freaking thing on earth but to them it's nothing just hang tight my friend ;0)
from enurta :
outlive them....go for it. rooting for you :)
from jimbostaxi :
I think my main frustration that day at the doctors was his dismissive attitude I'm telling him x y and z and his response was just double the medicine for x and go see a specialist for y and z. I felt angry so I told him you can't just double the medicine for x these problems are interconnected it's freaking ludicrous to just say double the medicine. So I restated the problem adding my own suggestion and then asking do you thing your idea is better or mine? He went with my idea of course ,,,, I wasn't leaving there until he saw it my way. I think most of these guys feel they don't need to explain their diagnosis but I am very involved in her care and I need all the answers. Now about your entry that was deep delving all the way down to pull all that stuff up it reminded me of how when my oldest daughter came back into my life I had to reexamine the whole past thing and how I handled things. Could I've done it all different and not have lost her for all those years I sure could have She's here now im my life and we have mended those fences and all that hurt is gone I hope you and your friend will be able to do the same. The humour thing I use mostly as a defense mechanism It's been useful tool I'm my Arsenal so if I don't win people over with that then the dark side creeps in and the bad Jimbo goes to work on how to fix the situation. Kind of a doctor Jekyll mr Hyde thing :0) looks like things are going well for you my friend that's awesome I've taken up too much space on your page so I'll drop by another time.
from jimbostaxi :
I wish I could tell you that we had other options but Pontius Pilate with scripts is a welcome sight even though he is leading us to death
from jimbostaxi :
You've never mentioned any of that before and how did you know about that lady who Had the seizure and my poetry :0)
from jimbostaxi :
I'm brainstorming here lets do some major changes in that last one and have the taxi driver knock off everyone else and become the star :0) j/k
from enurta :
so happy for you andy. love you. xoxo
from jimbostaxi :
Was just listening to some of your music, that's all done by you?
from jimbostaxi :
No problem anytime :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Just saw the last part of that email sent you one back
from jimbostaxi :
Sent you and email with my response :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Awesome update! :0)
from jimbostaxi :
I must say I'm curious send it to me I'll wrap my brain around it. :0)
from wordwhore :
Congrats on the 20 days. And on getting your teeth out. I've had most of my teeth pulled at this point (bad genetics + ulcers = bulimic teeth) and it never gets less awful. ♥
from cocoabean :
Hi there! Any chance I could get your password? We have a lot of buddies in common! Thanks
from jimbostaxi :
This just popped in my head any chance that he read it he was so jealous that he saw you had something great he just ripped it to pieces? Yeah, he's sitting in his proffesor office sipping on a freaking cup of Earl Grey tea and he decides Fuck this guy ! I'm a freaking proffesor I'm the one who should be brilliant not this guy! I'll show him I'll kill him with my pen, weirder things have happened just a thought my friend
from jimbostaxi :
Prayers for you hope that dental surgery goes well. Thanks for the note that Xanax beer thing had me in a fog all morning lucky it was only a weak dosage I think 0.25 I was in celebration mode won some money on the football game. So I zonked myself out in celebration pretty sad right? Lol not much to celebrate usually maybe if there was I would do it differently/ better. I know I don't know you Andy but letting one persons review devastate you like that seems a bit much. Ok I get it that you value his opinion and hold him in high regard but he's only one man and he probably didn't even give it a good read for whatever reason. Forge ahead my friend keep working on it and don't let anyone shatter your spirit!
from enurta :
Good luck Andy. you are in my thoughts. <3
from jimbostaxi :
Good luck with the job and sleeping outside as long as it's not to crappy out it must make you feel at one with God. You can partake in gods creations outside and it must automatically soothe someone's soul. Yep,, if I had the choice between cramped room and my own spot I would rather take my spot :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Hey Andy, thanks for the new password :0) if you lived around the way I would say drop on by the piff in these parts will put you on cloud 9 :0)
from wordwhore :
looks like you locked up again. hope you're okay.
from wordwhore :
I believe much of the bible to have been written and edited solely by man and for man's best interests and that God only knew empathy when Jesus came and died. I wish you relief from the suffering that you endure daily. May you find comfort and solace when you least expect it and may glory and mercy be yours sooner than later. I know your soul is in torment more often than not. I love you, friend and I wish you better days ahead. ♥
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks for the password :0)
from jimbostaxi :
saw your notes on someonelses page, you my friend have many levels and I would love to get a password to read your inner thoughts. My email is jimsean2006@yahoo.com
from wordwhore :
i was able to access the music file, so it appears to be public
from enurta :
no worries. deleted and gone, did not even read any besides the first one. going to send you an e-mail soon.
from enurta :
although I am very worried about you. I sincerely hope you'll get help. your life is not worth throwing away like this. a window might open soon, take the chance and get help when this happens. otherwise you will keep getting tormented like this. it's not a life. and it's not death. it's seems to resemble never ending torment somehow. your body will break, if it's not already broken. and then it will be too late and nobody will help you because you haven't let them in the past.
from enurta :
thank you for the note. I love you too <3
from enurta :
can u read other locked diaries? i-am-jack told me the same.
from enurta :
does it work now? must be a d-land problem.
from enurta :
Good luck my dear friend....I hope you are going to leave....this cannot go on....praying for you <3
from enurta :
I'm glad you enjoy them. it makes me happy I can give you some sort of comfort. <3
from enurta :
you are not a failure.
from enurta :
nobody is ever powerless. unless literally, you are chained.
from enurta :
well what is this hotel room thing? will you overdose there? I hope I can hear you speak tomorrow. if N leaves to go see his parents. and I hope you are not too fucked up to talk...I can tell by your new password that something is different about you. I hope you know that you are a good person, Andy. you will understand some day. don't squander everything you have. like your brains, talent, imagination. you are a truly beautiful person in all aspects. but I know how hard it is on your own. without anyone. so...I can't really blame you for doing what you can to survive. also, you are not alone. I read your words after you write them and hopefully one day we can listen to you play your beautiful music. your mother and everyone who truly loves you for you. and you'll be free of this clutches and circumstances that make you suffer and hurt. I love you. hope N leaves tomorrow so I have a chance to speak to you. you never know when people "go". and I speak to everyone as if it is the last time I see or hear them. everyone should appreciate their loves ones more. but people only "care" when you're dead. I always care about you. I hope you know that. I hope you'll be okay...that pulse thing must have been scary. I had over 160 beats a minute for three days straight after the suicide/coma thing. 250 seems, well, not even human or possible. I'm glad you're okay. you are such a caring person wanting to thank them. it's their job to save you though. save that money for a bite to eat, you need food.
from wordwhore :
hope you're well.
from enurta :
I've lost your password. please e-mail me. worried about you. <3
from enurta :
I'm just glad they didn't take my money.
from enurta :
"gentleman" my ass. there is no such thing in this world anymore.
from enurta :
your life always comes first. without your life and your mind - how are your goals going to be achieved? you are so smart you don't need altering your mind to achieve what you want. it's a trick so you will end up dead. and then the devil will be happy. YOU come FIRST. always. your life, your health, your mind. you know? pull that fucking tooth out please. I beg you. as soon as possible. this should be the main priority right now. the pain will become unbearable after a while and you will not be able to handle the pain if you ignore this problem right now and then when the pain becomes unmanageable you will lose your mind and get locked up. think about what I am saying to you please.
from enurta :
stay strong <3
from enurta :
If I had money I'd send you something for the bus fare. but I have nothing right now and it's only going to get worse. I wish I could so something to help you. just. please try to get the tooth pulled. it's because of the meth...I guess I did not need to tell you that but your teeth are only going to get worse. pull that shit out. why won't they help you? that's so fucked up.
from enurta :
ah. didn't mean it in that way. I meant I hate them when they want to be something other than "friends". I am just meant to be alone if something were to happen to N and I've embraced that.
from enurta :
what are you talking about?
from enurta :
"I know you might disagree -- but I'm free now." it is not my place to judge you. I am your friend always, but I fear this obsession is going to end up killing you - and then someone else will take credit for your work. you know what I mean? you need to get your act together. writing everything down is good, but try to stay sober and please try to find somewhere to stay! that should be the number one priority, always. your life - right?
from enurta :
I liked the lyrics <3 <3
from enurta :
he died when he was in my age. which makes it all the more alluring. I hope I die young. seems like torture to live until you're really old. maybe I am shallow and vain. I don't know. can't deal with thinking about my face changing. can't deal with thinking about diseases. can't deal with thinking about my parents dying. I don't know
from enurta :
yeah I've noticed AA is all about money...that's messed up.
from enurta :
I hope you're alright. thinking of you always <3
from enurta :
I don't know what to say. God is always there. Look at the sky, and remember.
from wordwhore :
I'm thinking about you and wishing the best for you. Whatever that may be. Out in the "real" world, society can only see your exterior. They can't see into your brain, the way readers of your diary can. It's why making friends online is so much easier. We can see past the outer illusions. I don't know if God exists or not. I believe, 99% of the time, that He does and that He has plans and goals for me and for others. But I know what it's like to doubt and be unable to remember when you didn't. Still, I pray, and I pray for you, and I hope you can find something more hopeful than the things you found today. You're a brilliant mind, and, I believe, a good soul, who has unfortunately been given the dual burdens of addiction and mental illness and struggles on a constant basis with both, but the real you, the part that is controlled by neither the BP voice or the addiction voice, is a good soul. I hope you can bring him to the fore, sooner than later, and find some true happiness in your life. ♥
from enurta :
and I know the first step is to get a job. if it's not this one people want to help me get something that will make me happy. I'd like to work with the disabled, or some other form of impairment, as long as I'm helping someone I'm content and happy. I buy water for the beggars sitting in front of the supermarket every time I am there - also bread or some other form of food if I have the money. even if I myself don't have much, or I myself am thirsty. I can just go home and drink water from the tap. what do these beggars have? especially the women. I rarely give money because I do not know if someone comes and takes the money from them. there's been a lot of hate crimes lately. they're talking about making it illegal to be homeless. well. seems like they will start to euthanize the homeless soon. like animals who are unwanted and sick. "it's for their own good...to end their misery" really. this is where the world is headed. it's like telling someone their existence is illegal. I love you too <3
from enurta :
the two last entries were beautiful in a melancholic, sad kind of way. I'm going to write you a long e-mail now. I hope you'll stay alive long enough to read it.
from in19seconds :
Hey.. I need your password info again. For some reason I lost all my saved password info from this computer. :-(
from enurta :
I'm sorry this person was so disrespectful towards you. it's alright though. who cares, right? you know how talented you are <3 you don't have to prove anything to this person. but you need to get out of Berkeley fast if you can. even if there's food there - there is also the other stuff that distracts you from what you really ought to do. you still get your check? can you get the money without your wallet somehow? because then you can use your check for food in Burlingame, and try to teach people piano again. you had a client there for a while. they seem like nice helpful normal people there.
from enurta :
one of my "friends".
from enurta :
thanks for the note. I'm worried about you though. no update and no e-mail...I hope you're okay. I am suspecting you had a relapse...I hope I am wrong. <3
from enurta :
I hope you found a spot where you could rest. I think anything that "alters" the mood is a distraction (an example of that is that you lost your wallet, you were hungry, tired, you had used and your body was exhausted). so it is good you took this decision about staying sober in all aspects. good luck my friend, you'll be in my prayers.
from musikoid :
oh okay - i thought maybe it was the meth. your family sounds pretty dysfunctional - i wanted to say, though, that it's not uncommon for a woman your age (29 or 30, i think) not to talk to a father or mother for a year or more. I'm always overjoyed to hear from my daughter, partly because she doesn't contact me all that often. But your father doesn't sound very much like me, I don't think. It does sound as though there is something a bit brighter in your relationship with him (i could be wrong)...
from enurta :
it's not about the drugs. which is only weed by the way. she is just a selfish person who feels sorry for herself over nothing and treat everyone like shit. she is a user and abuser. it's what she does. I hope some day she will get older and realize how awful she's been. but I doubt that would happen unless I have something she needs.
from enurta :
I'm sorry you used again. but after every mistake is a new chance, a new chapter in the book that is your life. just the turn the page my friend <3
from musikoid :
Enurta, that's exactly how I feel about you. I keep worrying that one day you won't be here. Me -- I know what you mean, about the conditions of homelessness having a way of suddenly presenting an insurmountable danger. Many homeless people might be perfectly healthy and then suddenly die in their sleep. The elements can be that unpredictable -- not just the weather, but the vulnerability to assaults of various sorts -- on the part of other homeless people, on the part of cops, on the part of drunken frat boys like the ones in Florida that beat that old man to death with a baseball bat, laughing about it all the while. However -- I'm not saying I'm different - but I do have a purpose on this Earth that I strive to fulfill daily, and I don't think God is going to take me until it is fulfilled. Also, it's just a lot mellower on this side of the Bay.
from in19seconds :
Sorry I've been MIA. I haven't had time to come online much. We've had so much rain its flooding the ground which is causing issues with our internet connection. I do read all your entries and love keeping up with what's going on with you. I care about you a lot and think about you often. Thank you for leaving me notes. They make my day when I do get the chance to log on.
from enurta :
Just wanted to tell you that this is "your" song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MH6TJU0qWoY I always think about you when I hear it, and it's one of my favorite songs of all time. I cry every time I hear it. <3 <3 <3
from enurta :
31 days sober is great. I'm happy for you. I wish you had friends or family who cared. I wish I had that also. when shit turns ugly they all turn their backs - "if I can't see it, it's not there". well. sorry to burst your bubble but try walking in that person´s shoes. you are way too honest with people, this is your problem. people want to hear bullshit that sounds "good" and "appealing". too bad the truth hurts. you have to learn to control your tongue (and your hands, with the keyboard). so you can make others understand you are dependable person. it just scares me you know. you've been my friend for so long and I'm scared that (God forbid), some day, there won't be any more entries or e-mails. and you're gone. just like that.
from wordwhore :
my DL un +1 @ yahoo
from wordwhore :
No, I don't have the un/pw these days. Was just wondering the other day how you were. Do you still have my email?
from cloudy-night :
Hey, it seems that things are going well for you. You're shaking the monkey off your back and I'm glad? Why is rent so high in Cali? You're going to spend $600 on food, wow! So, have you find an alternate to A.A or will you just focus on kicking the habit yourself? I've only had a chance to read the past five entries, so I don't know if you had any kind of plan. But from what I'm reading, you seem well Guru. Hope things keep going the way they are my friend!
from cloudy-night :
I will always write notes here for you. I read your diary and I do often have to back-track, but I make sure to keep up with the things in your life because you're a friend and I'm always concerned about my friends. Okay, Guru?
from fragilegirl8 :
I will pray for you.
from musikoid :
Fought with my sponsor two days in a row while about to get the Small Check and feeling vulnerable. I badly want to go back to Berkeley. Please pray I make the right choice.
from musikoid :
Enurta I'll just reply here since you don't have your notes on, if that's okay. But give me time to read your note more carefully, and also re-read the email I sent a day or so ago, and also re-read my recent entries to see what I said about God leaving, if I did say something like that. Not saying I didn't - I just use an excessive lot of words and I don't remember what I said. It's also late at night and I am depressed because I got into a fight with my sponsor. To go back to Berkeley could mean death but here I am so stressed out. Howard is pushing me too hard. It's hell trying to find a doctor to write the prescription. I thought I had succeeded today and went to Urgent Care in San Mateo but the doctor refused and wanted to test for other shit which pissed me off. I don't trust doctors, I just wanted to get the meds. I won't go back to Berkeley but I sure wish I could run and smoke weed and write music and do the things I enjoy without all these spiritualizing A.A. weirdos breathing down my neck talking all this hype and jargon. But even as I make complaint, I recognize that it's *that time again* when every minute I check my balance to see when the small check is going to be here so I can finally find some motel room and crash out and take a shower, wash my clothes, wash my feet, and hopefully get a good night's sleep. I'm just tired. If I said I thought God left me I didn't mean it. He's always with us, watching every damned thing we do. I just can't shake the Guy, try as I may. I just wish He'd let me write my music - period. He just seems to have it out for me, that's all. I'm tired of it all. I want to drop out of the stupid program, take the MacBook and run. I have 23 days but so what? I haven't written a lick of music, Enurta!! How can I possibly be happy? I wrote ten songs the three months in Berkeley and so what if I was high as fuck? I just can't seem to write music when I am sober and it pisses me off that everybody thinks the meth is a problem. There's nothing wrong with doing drugs. The stress of being jerked around by sober assholes is killing me a lot faster than meth would. Maybe I'm wrong. But anyway I gotta go to Emergency because now they're talking EKG - and I still can't get a doctor to write the damn psych meds. I sure wish I had some marijuana, and someone to watch my backpack with the laptop in it so I could run a couple miles or more. That's all. I'm just exasperated. Everybody keeps laying all their value systems on me and I just want to drop out of society. There's got to be a better way to live -- than this.
from enurta :
Good luck, you'll be in my prayers, just understand this; God doesn't leave anyone - how can he? He is everywhere, he created your body and soul, how can he leave when he is the creator? Just remember that he sees everything, the good, the bad, he knows what you will think before you think it. So be grateful you get to live another day, so you can show him you are glad you did not die high on meth in the world of the devil. It is good you admit you are bipolar and want help. I wish you all the luck in the world, keep fighting, it's not for nothing as long as you do not abandon your faith. But whatever you do, don't go back to Berkeley, please, I beg you. if you do - perhaps someone who can keep an "eye" on you can come along? the sponsor maybe? I don't know. But the thought of you there all alone seems dangerous. There's a huge chance that you will use again. You will not be able to resist the urge, the past has already shown you this, learn from it and find another way to get what you need, if there is a will there is a way! <3
from cloudy-night :
I have gotten mad at God many times myself. Blaming him for everything that has went wrong. Blaming him for the unanswered prayers that I kept reciting. I know how it feels to be forsaken and left alone, especially when I'm in of some kind of comfort, help, or reassurance. There are two theories to rock-bottom: 1. You never hit it. Just underneath you is a thin layer of soft rock that will crumble at the slightest step. 2. Hitting bottom teaches us that things can get better and that by evaluating what we done to get there, we can get out of the hole we made for ourselves. I truly believe in the latter more than the former. Things may seem bad right now, but keep writing down the things you're grateful for. Learn how to control your anger because in the end, it's more harmful to you than anyone else. And always be prepared to receive blessings from on high. Glad you met a nice person who truly wants to help you and believes in you. Also glad you got a laptop, bet you'll be able to work on your music now. Glad you found God again! Like you said, He never left you - kind of seemed like you left him. Later Guru!
from musikoid :
Yes, Enurta. Three times now under mysterious circumstances that seemed supernatural. That includes the first time way back in 1990, when I'd never been here before, and suddenly had a piano job I managed to keep for 8 1/2 years. Oh, and you're welcome (whatever you were thanking me for!) It's good to hear from you.
from enurta :
I'm happy for you. have you noticed that somehow you keep returning to this place? you should see it as a sign from above. and this friend of yours...thank God <3 count your blessings my dear friend.
from enurta :
thank you.
from cloudy-night :
Yo Guru, it has been a while. I have been reading your entries at work and on my cell. Sorry I haven't been replying to your post. I have been thinking a lot lately. It seems to me that the A.A sucks and if they make you feel so lousy, I say "to hell with them"! You're a great person and I think that what you need is a change of scenery. You're a great composer and I think you'd be great inside if you had your own space. Like a studio apartment that was soundproof. Maybe a quiet cottage in the country would suit you well too. But then again, you're the type of guy who likes big cities and the streets and interacting with people as long as it doesn't come at the cost of your privacy, which a lot of artists just have to have. I don't know what I'm trying to say, but you're a complex individual and it seems like they don't understand that. I think you're right where you need to be. You may not have the women, huge house or fancy cars. But I honestly think you'd get there and it seems like you never wanted it. You love the art and not the things you get from it and I think that's how anyone who's in your craft should be. If you don't love it without the things that are attached to it, then the only thing that would keep you happy would be the things you get for doing something you don't love, no one should live like that. You've been going through a lot lately and I can't imagine how hard it is dealing with the things you do on a daily basis. But I always admire your conviction and your will to move pass the mistakes you made. To paraphrase what you said, what is the point of mulling over the mistakes you made? All you can do is move forward. I feel enlightened every time I read you entries Guru. Later!
from cloudy-night :
Your entry, "Seventh Heaven", made me happy! I'm glad that things are looking up Guru! :D
from cloudy-night :
I think you should travel. You could just perform your music at different places. As long as it's a piano there, you should play. I bet they'd call you the piano man. Your exploits would be all over the web and people will try to guess where you would show up next, it would be awesome!
from cloudy-night :
It has to be very difficult, guru. I read your latest entry and I felt very sad. You were doing so well, I don't understand what happened. We all lose our way, I know this better than anyone. Still, I can't help but think that the path you take is a bit more precarious than most - being a composer/pianist and all. I hope you're alright out there and I hope that you will be free of your demons one of these days. I hope you don't think I'm judging because I'm not. It just seem like you were trying to shake all this stuff a few months ago and you were happy that you were.
from cloudy-night :
Sorry, it's been quite a while since I've read any of your entries. But what happened? You're on the streets again, thought you were living in the boonies with your daughter? What's going on?
from musikoid :
test
from cloudy-night :
Yo Guru, sorry it has taken so long to reply. I have only read your last six post and although it would just be easier for me to backtrack further, I'm going to ask you a few questions. When did you leave the hospital? You've found a safe haven near a school, but it isn't on the property right? So why do you wake up so early to leave before the children come? I see that you are battling with your spirituality again, it must be difficult to obey and yet have all these other nagging questions. I'm like that as well. As much as I believe in God, I can't help but to question his existence and his reasons behind some things because it all seems contradictory to me at times. You sent me a note mentioning that you came across a woman whom you rejected her advances but now regret it - why can't you just contact her now and hook up? I also see you are fighting your desire to use excessively again too. Some things are hard to shake, it doesn't mean they can't. I don't want you to hurt yourself because I would feel an overwhelming amount of sadness. But I don't want you to feel pain or hurt and if it alleviate any of the pain and hurt at all, then I guess you should do what helps. I just hope things get better for you. This world is one I am beginning to despise. I hurts to know that nice people like you have to suffer so needlessly and it hurts even more that I am unable to help. I wish I had that sort of power, to help you, to aid you, to make sure things go well for you. You deserve nothing but blue skies and rainbows as far as I'm concerned. I hate my uselessness so much, I truly do guru...
from cloudy-night :
Did you change your password again?
from musikoid :
She said she could probably help with it tomorrow. The woman has a husband, full-time job, and is going to night school. But she always wants to help. (Tonight she has class.)
from in19seconds :
Even with everything you are going through, you have the strength and kindness to say the right words. Thank you for your note. It means a lot to me. I've been thinking about you a lot lately at random. I think, "I hope he's doing okay and everything is well." I don't get on Diaryland as much as I'd like to at the moment, but when I do I try to catch up as much as possible with you and a few others. Either way, you are always on my mind even if I'm not on Diaryland.
from enurta :
pour your heart out. tell echo everything you've ever wanted to say. I will try to pray for both of you, I say "try" because I rarely pray these days, I'm sorry. I wish I could say/do something to make everything better but I can't. at the same time, I hate to see you hurting, may God protect you both.
from cloudy-night :
I'm glad that you're getting all the help and encourage you need to get better. Really happy to hear that you're in great spirits guru.
from enurta :
Echo is speaking to you again? I am so happy for you...hopefully this will be a fresh, new start for the both of you. I love you and I hope you'll update soon, you're fast on the keyboard anyway :) so hoping to read about what's going on. wish I could call you. miss talking to you. <3 <3 <3
from cloudy-night :
Why did you go to the psych ward? Hope everything is okay guru.
from enurta :
I love you. I'm sorry I haven't responded to your e-mail. I'm just an emotional wreck right now. just trying to survive. I'm sorry. you are in my prayers and thoughts. I'm happy you're getting help. I love you
from enurta :
are you okay? your fb-status made me worry.
from enurta :
I like the word vibrancy :)
from enurta :
don't worry, i'm okay. i miss receiving e-mails from you though. going to write an entry then read your diary and leave another note. I love you <3
from enurta :
I hope I misinterpreted your entry. it sounded an awful lot like you are planning your own death.
from cloudy-night :
Damn, you're having it rough guru... I really hope that things get better. I think it's time for a change of scenery. You have suffered a lot there and it doesn't seem right, not at all.
from enurta :
you're leaving anyway...so does it make a difference what anyone thinks? I'd like to see the people who judge you live on the streets for a month. they would probably shit and piss their pants out of fear after 1 day. what doesn't kill you....makes you stronger. and you are not a coward like everyone else. so let the devil make his "jokes", the joke is on him. because God is on your side. believers and geniuses always get ridiculed, so let them judge, let them treat you like shit...they're going to suffer immensely.
from enurta :
everything is going to be okay. trust me, as long as you love and respect yourself and the God who created you, nothing in this world can "hurt" you, my dear friend. I'm going to pray. I love you <3
from cloudy-night :
I dislike to see that your views of the world are darkening. I don't blame you, but I'm sad to see it is happening. No one can truly understand how you feel, the world isn't the same as it was before. People only understand such things when they are placed into similar situations. It's a crap fest, life that is. I hope things take a good turn for you and don't think I forgot about sending you something, I haven't - just gotta do a few things here and there.
from cloudy-night :
Damn, I'm sorry that those two cowards attacked you. It must have been frightening, not knowing if you would live or not. I'm very sorry about that. So they took all your stuff? It just isn't right. Then to add insult to injury, the damn cops are treating you like a criminal. That's why my faith in the law wavers a lot. Those who work in law enforcement are suppose to be unbiased and only see things in black and white ( wasn't meant to be some sort of late pun). You got robbed and assaulted and they are treating you like you've done something wrong, that isn't cool, not at all. If you want to leave, why not live with your brother or daughter for a while so you can collect yourself? Why is it that you can't move into a shelter? I don't blame for wanting to leave that town, seems to break your heart and darken your soul. I hope you will be alright and if you see those assholes at the community center again, you should call the cops then and there! Be safe my friend!
from cloudy-night :
Hey, it's been quite a long time. I have been reading. I'm very sorry to hear that someone jacked you for your mac and I'm very sorry to hear you fell off the wagon. Life is so difficult, isn't it my friend? Are you still moving into that senior citizen's apartment? You haven't mentioned it.
from jaysthoughts :
Greetings. Just seeing who checks their notes.
from cloudy-night :
I think she's right! If you write a book about homelessness, it would be better received because you know more about it than some half-ass writer who just lived on the street for a week or two in the same of research. I'm also glad to hear that you're on the inside for a while.
from cloudy-night :
Hey, I thought that you weren't heading to the senior home until October? How is everything going there? I'm backtracking a few entries of yours at the moment. It's always miss a little, miss a lot with me I see.
from cloudy-night :
I'm sorry guru, it has been quite a while since I've written you. I have been reading your entries, but I don't think I have been reading them as fast as you have been posting them. I'm sorry to hear about M and although there may not be any chance of a romantic relationship with her, I hope that you can regain the friendship that you both shared. So you've been on the hustle, eh? I have to backtrack because I didn't hear anything about a senior home. I hope that you get to stay in the shade for a very long time. People can be cruel, even I'm guilty of it. I don't carry money around anymore because I was prone to giving it to any homeless person ( well anyone in general who asked for some change). I always ask God to forgive me for my selfishness because I know there are people out there struggling and hurting. So you need something by October, eh? I will make sure to send something before then. Can't give an exact date, but I promise I will! I hope that you will be okay and I hope you shake off the melancholy. Love is a hard thing to come by and when it's lost, it seems as if all hope is lost. However, love and hope springs eternal as that cliche goes, but I believe it to be true despite how many times it is carelessly thrown around to calm the pain. I pray you will be happy and that things will happen in your favor! You definitely deserve it!
from cloudy-night :
I meant comment on your note. As logical a thinker as you are, you can't hide the fact that you're an artist. Artist are people who based everything off emotions and in that area, you're not different. How else who you be able to move people with your music if they don't feel your heart in it? So if you easily fall in love with every one you sleep with, it can be expected because of the kind of person you are. Still, I can see how telling a woman you love her after a first date can scare her off guru. I bet it's hard to contain your emotions and although they make think it appears desperate, you will come across a woman who see what it really means. Just a musician who can contain his emotions because keeping it bottled up would be disastrous.
from cloudy-night :
First off, "The Word From Beyond" is awesome. I am not the kind of person who can describe music accurately, but it sounded classically jazzy ( maybe that should become a new genre). I am happy that things are going well for you. I mean, the recovery, finding God again, your music, getting a laptop, and making moves to become the person you want to be. Proud of you guru, keep it up!
from cloudy-night :
I read your last two entries: "Trying to Avoid Lawsuit" and "Paradigm Shift". So I will comment on the first then the latter. I thought that the note you written was justified. To be accused of something you didn't do is wrong. And what followed is directly related to those false allegations. They deny you breakfast and alienate you, the shit isn't cool. Not only do you deserve an apology and your name cleared, but they should receive punishment. You're a forgiving guy, I know, but come on Guru! If they did it once, they will do it again. I hope that you went to the lawyers office, let them know you're not playing with them! As for the last entry... I know if has to be difficult to shake off the temptation, it's always there. But you're a strong-willed person and I'm pretty sure that you will be fine. It may seem messed up, but it is probably best to avoid your friends for a little while. You're still easily swayed and if they offer you something, you'll probably take it. d'angelo and alex sound like assholes. I was telling my sister that racism isn't just restricted to one race or class of people. Every one from all different walks of life harbor ill-will and it's sad. They have no right to treat you that way, that shit isn't cool! They shouldn't be allowed to work there, not at all. I also find it strange that so many homosexuals and blacks are giving you a hard time. Judging you based on what someone else has told them. Thought they would know better, being judge unfairly is the theme of the day with them and they should be more considerate. *sighs* I hope that those whom done you wrong apologize and take responsibility. I see what you mean when you wrote me that you edit your entry. We do sound similar, always making a ton of plans - lol. Later Guru!
from cloudy-night :
Thanks for the note and sorry it took so long to reply. I have been working overtime and I'm tired and sore, thank heavens I'm about to go home and visit my mama for a while! I have read a few of your entries at work and I see that you are finding your way back to God. I know it has been rough for you and that things aren't going exactly the way you want, but I feel like you're doing a lot of great things now and that you've done great things in the past. I haven't read the last four entries and wondered if you heard from your daughter yet? Did you she wish you a happy Father's Day? I hope so... Well, I won't be able to reply for a while, but I will be sure to read and as geeky as this sound, take notes because I had a lot of things to say about your entries, but forgot them. Take care guru!
from floodtide :
gwmolnar62@charter.net
from cloudy-night :
Man, you seem to being going through something and I pray that you will recover. Sorry to hear that Othello is such a butt-muncher and that your friend sold your laptop. I'm sorry that no one is trying to reach out to you the way that you desire. Secretly, everyone wants to be saved ( I know that very well). It's hard to do everything on our own, I hope you find someone to help you. I truly hope that Berkley becomes the place that you love once more without the help of an enhancement. Take care and I hope that things are well.
from momoironeko :
I'm sorry things are heading in such a downward spiral. I wish I could help somehow, but all I have to offer is prayer.
from cloudy-night :
First off, I think you're going to live a long time. Of that, I have no doubts. Sometimes the people we love affect us the most. They seem to be the chain the holds up back. But that same chain keeps us connected and helps us remained grounded. I'm sure, they all love you dearly and just worry about you. I can understand your needs to isolate yourself to complete your works, but what will get inspiration from if you're isolated and can only talk to the walls? As far as the meth thing goes, we all have demons and yours isn't any worse than mine. Your life is your own and no one can tell you how to live. Hopefully we will all just make sure that you are in control because that's all that matters. And if you think letting Andros out will relieve you of any pain that you're feeling, then by all means... But once is goes back into hiding then you'll be the one who will have to clean up his mess my friend. I hope you're okay.
from cloudy-night :
Seems you have been busy. It seems like artists of any type always find flaws with their works, seems you are no exception, eh? I hope that every thing is going well.
from fragilegirl8 :
Ok that password worked. Thanks
from momoironeko :
I hope the thyroid meds make a difference! Sorry I've been silent lately. You are very much in my prayers.
from fragilegirl8 :
I haven't been able to read you for awhile because you changed your password.
from floodtide :
Thanks for your encouraging note. I have the user/pw for minstrelite but not musikoid.
from cloudy-night :
You are very aware of why you do what you do. And it seems that knowledge of why isn't enough, as you said, knowing the reason why the problem exists, isn't the same as doing something to fix the problem (paraphrasing). Still, there has to be something said about knowing exactly why you do it. Only a handful of people know why they do the things they do. Most people when confronting with that question, have no reason. Rather it be denial or fear of retribution, they remain ignorant. I think that if you know the reason why a problem exist, you have an advantage. I also think that you've done a lot of great things in your life. Although I know how you feel, more can be done while we exist in this world, so why stop. Although God was content with his work on the sixth day and rested on the seventh, He got right back to work. I am not comparing us humans to God, just saying if such a being isn't satisfied with things the way they are, why should we? I hope that you find what it is you're looking for and that you become the kind of Christian you want to be.
from cloudy-night :
Damn, they do have too much time on their hands. Why the hell are they looking up information on you? I am happy I backtracked and read your last entries. They have their nerve, putting you on trial and trying to find dirt where there is none. I keep giving them the benefit of the doubt, but they keep doing silly things. I don't blame you for leaving town for a day or two nor for rejecting the laptop they were plan on giving you. Sometimes, it is easier just to rely on oneself because at least you know what to expect of yourself.
from cloudy-night :
Sorry, I didn't get a chance to catch up with you. I've been doing a lot of thinking about things and the path I meant to take. Hope you didn't take any offense, my friend. I have read your notes and your entry about getting a laptop a few weeks ago. So I guess I'll start with the note. I can understand your question and it made me think and I couldn't come up with an appropriate answer. I was going to answer most question with the cliche answer of free-will because as you know, it's what most people would do. But I actually sat up for a day and wrote the questions down and couldn't come up with an appropriate answer - totally dumbfounded. All I thought was, "Damn, the guru has put a lot of thought into this and the arguments are sound if you sit back and examine it from a philosophical standpoint. Which is what many think religion is." That ended up with me becoming confused and tired of thinking of any counter-arguments to keep the whole discussion going. LOL! I am really happy that you're getting a laptop and will be able to compose music anytime you feel like it - that is very awesome. Your friends really care about you a lot and it makes since that your friend (was it Danny?) would try to convince you that drugs is bad because that is what he believes to be true. His worry signifies how much he cares for you and although your ideals clash, he's coming from a thoughtful place, am I right? Oh yeah and you were right, I do bail out of things when they become too difficult to deal with. I'm trying to change all that, but it's hard to change one's nature. Especially when it's all that I know to do. I'm going to catch up with your entries later and thanks for sending me the email for your new username/password.
from cloudy-night :
I only got half-way through your recent entry and since I'm easily persuaded, some of the things they said makes sense. But it was only upon reading it that it made sense. After I actually sit down and think about it. How can God, who is omnipotent and all-knowing have a limited knowledge of things? How can it be that God would be threatened by beings he made because they ate fruit that he forbidden them to eat for reason beyond the realm of their knowledge? I mean, I can ask a lot of questions but then again... the answers aren't as cut and dry as I would like. I have to read it completely to form an opinion. I would like to note that a lot of writers, artists and composers use drugs to heighten their senses and that many found it the only way to unlock their true potential. So I can't knock you (nor would I) for doing the same. You would know better than anyone else what it would take to do your best. But I always wondered if it was cheating in the way that an athlete would use enhancement drugs or if it was a hindrance because you may end up in a situation in which you don't have access? Would that make you crazy if you were composing a piece and didn't have your muse to inspire you? Well, I am a bit sleepy ( thank God) and I hope I make sense.
from cloudy-night :
Your letter seem very well written. Hell, you'd be regarded highly in feudal Japan. I'm glad to hear that you have forgiven Dave and Alex and that things are progressing pretty well for you. Hope you can make a change and end homelessness!
from cloudy-night :
yeah, I know. I am a bit hard on myself at times. I don't mean to drag myself through the mud, guess I feel everyone else does so I want to beat them to the punch. Thanks for the advice guru, will follow it and see where it leads.
from cloudy-night :
It seems like you're going through the ups and downs right now. I'm sorry to hear it. I hope that your rage has subsided by now. People can be mean and just plain stupid at times. Maybe they're not at fault because many don't take the time to try to understand what anyone else is feeling nor do they try to place themselves in that person's shoes during their times of hardships. You can never truly understand how someone is feeling, but you can understand the situation. Maybe they will surprise you and think about it in such a way.
from cloudy-night :
Sorry to hear about your feet. It seems painful, very much so. I hope that all is well by time you read this. I hope that you did something positive with your check as well. About the rest of the entry, don't be too hard on yourself and try not to be so hard on your love ones. Sometimes, people want to say something, but are afraid to. It's only human, to hesitate.
from cloudy-night :
A high paying gig sounds awesome! I hope it all works out well, you're such a good person and you deserve it! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!! I hope that you enjoyed yourself. I hope I can run as far and move as good as you do when I become your age. Seems you have the strength, knowledge and wisdom - very, very lucky! I am also proud to hear that you talked to someone of the fairer sex! Just keep at it and you'll meet someone whom you'll end up talking to for hours. Making a connection leads to other things, so don't give up!
from cloudy-night :
I read the previous entries and they don't seem as bad as you may believe and I think people will understand how you feel. I don't now why you are so afraid to approach women guru, seems like you'd hit it off with them quite easily. Maybe you're like me, you can't express yourself in the manner you wish to. I hope you find someone because we all need someone. A pretty smile, a nice conversation, and a few intimate moments that ends blissfully. I know you'll find it eventually. When you see someone you want to talk to, I think you should just go for it! Worst thing she can do is say no.
from cloudy-night :
It's only natural that you desire intimate moments with a woman. I know how it feels, I truly do. Maybe you should go to a bar or club and meet a woman there. I know a few people who met at a bar and they have strong relationships. Or if you just want to hook up, it's always craigslist. I know so many guys who spend all their time on it, even now. I hope you find someone who makes you happy all the time man.
from musikoid :
I deleted the last two entries before I saw your note. I was disgustingly angry - I know that's lame to just throw it all away like that, but I don't like to see it there, because I'm not really angry at Phil in my heart, but there is something about that drug and its come down that can bring up all kinds of irrational emotions.
from cloudy-night :
You really love Phil, don't you? I can't really place myself in your shoes, but I do know how it feels to be betrayed and let down by someone you put absolute faith in. It's hard to just let it go, it's hard to bury and let it push up daisies. You do have friends, just be aware of that before you make them your enemies. You're not scum either, you're a man who is dealing with all the things that are coming at him the best way that he can. You have your life, you have your music, you have people who love you and that is definitely enough - right? Maybe she doesn't feel heavy, I mean maybe just means yes. Hope you're okay, later guru.
from cloudy-night :
It's a very scary thing when the thing that makes you brave seems to hinder you as well. Maybe you should just approach a woman in your shy state. You could tell her that you're shy and that you may do something odd here and there. She may become more interested due to your honesty. So your bro didn't send you $20 when you needed it? Maybe he has a reason, not taking his side. Just saying that it's two sides to every story.
from momoironeko :
Thank you so much. Your prayers are greatly appreciated and reciprocated. As a side note, I'm changing my hotmail address. Please email me there so I can let you know my new address, and possibly get the username/password? You're in my thoughts and prayers.
from cloudy-night :
I really think your brother cares, it may just seems like he's being too hard or a downer. I can't really say for sure, but I just wanted to throw my piece in. I'm proud of you for working hard to become happy in spite of your circumstances and I hope you continue to get better. As far as the three black guys in the shelter, you should tell them to fuck off ( sorry for the language) ! I really dislike it when people gang up on someone because they're different from them! Irks me, it really does! I also hope that you get to continue playing to an audience, I realize that music is like air to you and without it, you wouldn't be able to function. So keep on moving guru.
from in19seconds :
Hey.. I don't know what happened but my browser deleted all my saved passwords. Could you please send me the info again to this e-mail (and please delete this afterwards so nobody else gets my e-mail). Thanks! weircomet@yahoo.com The other e-mail seems so full of spam and I don't want to miss any e-mails from friends. I'll put it in a "to keep" folder in case this happens again.
from cloudy-night :
You have a monkey on your back guru and it seems like it's very difficult to get off. We all have addictions; but don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning it. I just want you to know I understand and I can't judge you for what you're doing because it is something that helps you cope. But I worry and I've been reading a lot of your back entries and it seems like you've been going through a hard lot. It has to be difficult and if I were you, I'd be questioning the reason behind it all. I mean, it seems like life consist of suffering and some seem to suffer more than others. It doesn't seem fair that should have to battle these demons alone. Do you think that romance will help? Do you think sexual gratification will ease the pain and loneliness you feel? I'm just asking because a lot of your entries seem to point to it. I think if you believe it should help, maybe you should find someone who will love and support you. Someone you can make love to, talk to and who will accept you - flaws and all. Maybe those twelve step programs aren't all that helpful to you, but I hope you find something that will help. Because you are struggling really hard and I wish I could say something that will give you the strength to stay strong, but I am at a loss for it. I will say that you have my support and I hope that it means something. Oh and I think that you should give Lauren a chance, sometimes we overlook the people who are meant for us because we don't understand our feelings as well as we believe we do. I hope things get better guru! Whenever you're ready to fight off those demons, I believe you can easily do so. You are wise, strong, kind and spiritual. Those things are the embodiment of a person who has an undying and unyielding will.
from cloudy-night :
Hmmmm, Carmen seems nice. Maybe she genuinely cares about people, despite the responsibilities of her job. I hope that everything works out and that you find a place that you like.
from cloudy-night :
I put in the password combo and it didn't work. I deleted your comment, but it is still on my page, so you may have to change it. Terribly sorry.
from cloudy-night :
Thanks for the suggestion and I'm very sorry for the late reply. I sent you an email a while ago, but guess you didn't get it. Could you email me your password again? I accidentally deleted it when I was clearing up space. Thanks Guru.
from tobehis :
More like a part-time job...I try to get out and job search twice a week. Thanks so much for your prayers. You have no idea how much I appreciate that!
from tobehis :
Thanks. It's been a long drawn-out process (unemployed since the last week of August) and I've only had a handful of interviews. Today was frustrating because I didn't find many postings I could respond to. :-(
from in19seconds :
Hey.. sorry it's taken me forever to log on. I've been going through a lot right now. Anyhow, my e-mail is jnweir@yahoo.com. :-)
from momoironeko :
It seems you changed your password again. I can't get in, but wanted to let you know I do care. Sadly, I've been having problems on top of parenting the little one,who is very demanding of my time.
from fragilegirl8 :
Thanks.....
from cloudy-night :
Indeed, it's true that some things that happen aren't my fault. But what about the choices that I have total control over? I agree, humans have this problem of looking back on their past acts and analyzing them. And as you said, instead of having faith that we will do better at the next opportunity, we just regret the actions of the past. You are still the guru my friend. I will work on being my confident and having faith in myself. I will follow through and stop hesitating. How have you been? Thanks for emailing me your password, I am going to catch up next week. I hope you're doing well and I hope that you have a great Thanksgiving!!!
from momoironeko :
The answer is perhaps not so clear cut. I do believe a group setting, having people to be accountable to, can help recovery begin. That being said, the fellowship has many flaws, the most important one being that God and Jesus are not to be spoken of, per se. As I am learning through my own trials, everyone sins and falls short and we all have at least one sin that torments and lingers. I'm not sure what advice I can offer right now, other than to cling to God and pray. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know.
from momoironeko :
Thank you so much, it really means a lot to know someone is praying. I'm re-writing that email pertaining to my recent spiritual battles, if you still wish to read it. You are in my prayers, my friend and brother in Christ.
from momoironeko :
You are always in my prayers, and God forgives us when we are sincerely sorry. It is, however, very hard for us to forgive ourselves. I will be emailing you very soon. I'm sorry I didn't earlier.
from momoironeko :
Wow, that sounds like a great place to be. If you can, I do suggest staying in that area as long as possible. It also sounds like you have a plan, and I hope it works.
from cloudy-night :
Hey my friend, it has been quite a while. You never responded to my last email, so I assumed that you and Em just didn't want to talk anymore. Yeah, we all have our regrets and that's what makes us human, right? Thanks for the kind words, they really cheered me up.
from floodtide :
Thanks for your second note. Just read your update and hope you, too, can get some sleep. Rather not discuss what triggered the PTSD - talking about it gets me upset very quickly. It's not that I lost my job, it's HOW I lost it - all I'll say here is I was violated and humiliated publicly. In hindsight I'm glad to be out of there, but it was indeed traumatic. "Confident" in recovery would be too strong a work. I have to assume I'll continue to get better or I'd drive into a bridge. I'm hopeful, I'd say.
from floodtide :
This morning, I'm fairly sure, was withdrawal symptoms after using prescription Lunesta to try to help with insomnia recently. The other shaking and trembling and cold sweats, etc., are symptomatic of the severe Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome I have been suffering from since April of this year. I had been much improved (fewer episodes of flashbacks, panic, shaking) in August and September but seem to have relapsed a lot lately, probably because of the stress. Thanks for your concern, but don't worry - I have a good therapist and doctor here. Unfortunately nothing that i can take safely seems to be helping with the insomnia, but I'm taking it on faith that it will improve with time. Love, gwm
from silverluna :
Do you have an email address andypope9@gmail.com? I got a questionable email.
from floodtide :
Andy - I just read your generous and heartbreaking note, and I went to your diary. I haven't had the password in a long time, but I didn't ask because, yes, I was "over" the ranting. Nevertheless I did not delete you from my list, and I never go long without thinking of you and praying for you and wishing that your situation could change. Yes, you ARE talented, and you deserve so much better; I have no idea why the world deals out such unfair hands of cards. But please, don't envy me. I know that sounds absurd; I KNOW I have so much that you don't. If nothing else, I get to go inside when I want. And I have Matt, and yes, I have a loving community around us. But I am a mess right now, and I am in agony. To be completely unable to control the shakes and chills and trembling: it's paralyzing. It's physically painful. My mental health was shattered in April and I'm still not recovered. I would give anything material to have some mental health back. And I am no longer in a world of directors and actors - I am on my own artistically. In fact, I don't know how to find my next work, or students, or colleagues. Thank you for writing. I pray for you.
from momoironeko :
I just want to touch on the subject of prayer. I've been helping a younger friend with this very issue. In all honesty, the prayer has to come from our hearts. We have to pray believing it will happen, that it is His will, and also be an active participant. It's something I struggle with often as well.
from silverluna :
I miss the feeling of being on my own.
from silverluna :
Yeah I didn't want too many people to know what was going on until I knew for sure that I got the job. It was for a bible school. I didn't have much time to myself that week, and I didn't have a vehicle. I didn't know the area at all either.
from momoironeko :
Oh wow, congratulations on the Mac. I have a newer Mac laptop and it's never given me the troubles my Windows/Dell gave me. They are expensive, but one gets what they pay for. :) As for being a good Christian, "Nobody is good." Our Lord said that. The only thing we can do is just try our best. Sure we slip up and fall every day, but that's part of being human. I suggest reading the New Testament, a little every day if you can. It will help encourage and strengthen you.
from silverluna :
Hi I don't remember you talking about the pastor. Its nice that he stopped by. Also, we can never be better christian. All we can do to fight ourselves is to give it to God every time. He will take care of it.
from momoironeko :
I've been absent a long time. Will be reading to catch up soon.
from momoironeko :
I am sorry to hear about your financial woes, but it sounds like you have a very good and sound plan to getting back on track. A word of advice, if you stay around negative people, it is only a matter of time before it drags you down. Better to have those who encourage you than those who do not.
from buffylass :
Thankyou for your very kind message. My friend is out of the woods now, though her kidneys are not working still. Like with you, the dehydration has screwed them up. Hopefully they'll work again though.
from koorikaze :
I can tell a difference, despite the relapses and bad things that have happened. It truly is where you belong and I am glad you were able to stick with your decision.
from koorikaze :
Been busy, haven't read for a while. Apologies.
from musikoid :
yeah that's right near where I am, I like the church Oakland City Church - tons of churches in Oakland. Good luck.
from silverluna :
oakland
from fragilegirl8 :
thanks
from in19seconds :
I can't imagine what you're going through since my only addiction has ever been purging when upset. I was proud of myself the other day, though, because I fought the urge and won (for once in my life). I've always hated it when people would tell me, "just quit." If only it were that simple. So as cliche as these words are, I do mean them: Hang in there. It will all be okay. I know you can do it. Today is a new day.
from in19seconds :
Finally able to spend some good quality time reading your entries and catching up. My goodness, you've been busy. You know what I love most about your writing? I can actually imagine what you're doing day to day, who you're hanging out with, and what's going on in that world of yours. I'm glad you were able to catch up on some sleep, meet up with your daughter, and replace a lot of your stolen goods. I do hope Othello doesn't carry out on his threat, though. That would sadden me.
from in19seconds :
I need the new password please.
from koorikaze :
I've been busy, had internet issues out the wazoo, but I am reading and you are in my prayers.
from silverluna :
yes. Im talking about accounts in general. i just have to search through my email.
from musikoid :
okay
from in19seconds :
oh... and let me know if you still want my e-mail.
from in19seconds :
You're last entry has moved me. It's very profound and deep, extremely personal. I had to sit here for awhile thinking about it because I knew I wanted to respond to it but I needed time to think about how to respond to it. Unlike you, I lived in the same house for over 10 years each house I've ever lived in... but deep inside of me there was always this need to change, to run away and start over because new beginnings felt better than staying in place. My brother has this same mentality, but unlike him, I have been living in the same house for 9 years now while he's been changing locations every 2 years or so. I used to think that if he could just stay put, he'd figured things out because I learned the hard way that the person I was running away from all those years was not my surroundings but myself. So of course I assumed that my brother was/is doing the same. But just because I was running away from myself doesn't mean that he was/is, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. Like the saying goes, "Not all who wander are lost." Anyhow, to get back on track here, what I'm trying to say is that maybe staying in one location isn't always the best for everyone - and maybe what you're struggling with isn't necessarily finding a place to call home, but finding true acceptance with yourself (quirks and all). I am a firm believer that if we dig deep enough, we will find what we are looking for - and that the one thing human beings share is a common struggle to find acceptance with themselves. Only when we find acceptance with ourselves do we find what we all seek - and that is happiness. We're always seeking ourselves though, and that is why history has termed it "the pursuit of happiness." Perhaps it's only monks and people like Gandhi who have found happiness and inner peace. As for Pastor Ron, I can't say for certain why he can't provide you with the answers that you seek, but I know that working with people and their problems burn a lot of compassionate people out over time. They become jaded and frustrated with the status quo. Does that have anything to do with us personally? No. Perhaps his issues lie with someone else and the fall out is unintentionally hindering his work with you. Just a thought. You never know. As for Christians? I'm a Catholic - albeit not a practicing one at the moment and its because I struggled so much with what the church teaches us versus how I've seen many Christians act. A lot of them are like contradictions, preaching one thing but acting the opposite. However, there are people who do practice what they preach so it's a bit of a Christian Conundrum. But as my father has taught me over the years, church is a place to gather and meet and what you take from it is up to you. Hopefully what you learn from it is compassion and kindness for all those around you... and the ability to use the three T's to their most powerful benefit. Time, Talent and Treasure. Your time, your talents, and your treasure... before I fill this page up much more, I will end this here.
from koorikaze :
My personal belief is that you should remain where you are. The chance of your getting a place of residence after leaving is quite slim. "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God", so you have relapsed, you acknowledge that and are trying to make a difference. Try to remain still. I am praying for you.
from fragilegirl8 :
http://bethelsozo.com/california
from in19seconds :
I'm still following. We're experiencing bad weather here. Lots of tornadoes and loss of electricity, etc. I'm going to catch up on reading people's diaries once the weather calms down some.
from musikoid :
Yeah.
from momoironeko :
Being so far away I can not call people to come get you. I do not have money, I do not have anything I can offer other than prayer. If you are crying for help, get it! Nothing worth having is free or easy. Go to the local ER, explain about your foot while there as well. Trust me, if they saw you in this state of being, they would help you and if not, they need their licenses revoked. That is, if you truly want help.
from fragilegirl8 :
Will pray for you.
from in19seconds :
I'm not sure if you're a reader like I am, but there is a book that reminds me of you. IT's called "Outside the Lines" by Amy Havtany. If you ever get the chance, read the book. It makes those not living outside the lines think about people who do differently - and I think it will help you feel better about yourself. You're a person who lives outside the lines - and that kind of person is okay to be. If you read the book, I think it will help you to see things from your child's point of view, as well.
from in19seconds :
I'm slow on adding notes sometimes because I have a lot going on offline at the moment, but I will always make time to read whenever I have the free time. Please don't take it personally if I don't write a lot of notes or read entries right away. I have an extremely ill husband and a delinquent stepson that seem to require a lot of my focus when I'm at home - so my only free time to properly read and respond are when things are slow at work. By the way, it takes a lot to offend me or even hurt me. If it gets bad, I'll let you know. ;-)
from in19seconds :
I need to go back to older entries and catch up on your life here so I'm not out of place when I respond to the newer entries. However, I do wonder, have you approached Phil in the past to apologize with complete honesty (not that you haven't apologized dishonestly, of course). I just mean, have you approached him to apologize and poured your heart out to him like you do in the diary... about how awful you feel and how sorry you are? I know i have said a lot of horrible things to people in the past and had no idea how to apologize for my uncontrollable outbursts, but I've found going to them and telling them, "hey, I know words don't mean much coming from me after what I've said in the past but I am truly sorry for what I've said." And then follow it with how you can't control what you say sometimes - no matter how hurtful it may be, but you are trying and you regret any pain you may cause others. You are a good guy. These people are in your life for a reason and I don't think they are the type to bail on you if they know you well enough. *hugs*
from musikoid :
It makes sense Neko. I just wish you hadn't have turned off your Notes page immediately after posting -- each of those notes, from different usernames, no less. Nothing I would have said was anything you couldn't have taken, and I was taking everything you said. So -- whatever. None of us needs this pain right now.
from koorikaze :
But it still seems to are trying to get a reaction from those of us still reading and i simply do not know *how* to react anymore. So apologies for reacting and not reacting. If that makes sense at all.
from momoironeko :
What could I say that hasn't been said? What could I do that hasn't been done? To be honest, time away from here might do you more good than harm.
from fragilegirl8 :
Thanks...
from in19seconds :
Thank you for the kind note. I do remember you. I've just been extremely busy with a lot of offline stuff going on in my own life that I neglected to keep up with people the way I should. I'm trying to mend that now and get back on track now that my issues offline have calmed down considerably. If you ever need someone to talk to or rant or just anything, I'm here for you. I try very hard not to take things personally - but we're all human so sometimes that's hard not to do. (Ha ha!) Anyhow, I'm around more often now so if you need an ear or anything, just shoot me a note.
from in19seconds :
There are three sides to every story: how Emily perceives what's going on, how you perceive what's going on, and what's actually going on. What happened or is happening between the two of you is between the two of you. Please don't involve me. However, I am sorry that you're hurting. If I knew you, I'd speak more in depth on this but I don't know anything about your life. By the way, my generation doesn't lack compassion. We're all about to hit middle age. The younger generations (the ones I assume you are referencing in your note) are just that... young. Their compassion towards life and others will come to them as they go through more life experiences. Don't be so hard on them. ;-)
from ogawa :
about T...like I wrote in my fb message, you have to ask yourself what kind of relationship you truly *want* with her. if you like her, I mean like, *like* her, and she likes you back -you have nothing to lose. she is an adult now so the past you have isn't really an issue here. unless it is, for *you*. or her. <3
from ogawa :
God bless you my friend. I sincerely hope that you some day will be free from addiction. I am glad you still have the cottage, and I will continue to pray <3
from ogawa :
check ur email.
from fragilegirl8 :
I used to smoke pot every day. At one point I couldn't imagine going a day with out it. But now I don't think about it anymore. Once you go without it for a little while you tend to forget about it. Plus the past 3 times I smoked I was very close to having a full blown panic attack...which I thought was odd because I have never had that happen before. I kind of think that was God's way of telling me maybe he didn't want me smoking? I don't really think pot is all that bad, there are far for worse things. I am not saying I will never smoke again, but right now it's not a concern for me. Maybe you can be that way too. I'll pray for you.
from koorikaze :
I wish I could offer advice but at this point I just haven't the faintest what to say. Sometimes though, we have to hit rock bottom before things improve.
from fragilegirl8 :
Thanks for the note. It's not him at all. It's def. me. Try not to let certain things get you down. I encourage you to surround yourself with positive Christian people as much as possible.
from ogawa :
I had a dream about you. You came to see me, but you were really ill....I wonder what it means? It was awesome to meet you even though it was just a dream. I wish you lived closer so I could help you. you are a good person Andy. And I love you very much. <3
from koorikaze :
Thanks, but you know, some days I just don't think I am. But I am glad opportunity seems to be knocking at your door, I hope things work out.
from koorikaze :
I'm glad you were honest, and thanks for the forewarning. It still concerns me, of course, but it's your choice as to what you do. No matter what, you're still my friend.
from koorikaze :
Thank you, my friend. I also want to say while criticism can be constructive, it can also be destructive. How about making the music until you like it and then taking all the feedback you get and sort of average it out? I think your work is great, it takes a LOT of talent to compose music and you've got it. And while I understand your need for hot meals, it might be better to avoid that situation altogether if it means staying from bad stuff. I'll pray the money situation is resolved soon.
from ogawa :
thanks for all the notes...I am so lucky to have a friend like you! <3
from koorikaze :
Perspective always helps. Running, or any form of exercise, helps release chemicals that make us feel good. Hubby always remarks he feels happier after working out, and I do too usually. Take care of yourself as you can. I'm praying for you. --- As for my other diary, it's something I had to do for a brief spell. It'll be back up probably by the new year.
from ogawa :
I will pray. love you <3
from ogawa :
<3 I promise I will help you a week from now. I will try to help you every month from now on. it's not much, but it's something. I care about you my dear friend. don't be so hard on yourself. you are only human.
from momoironeko :
A payee, as horrible as it sounds, might be the best thing to help you. Not Elmer, but someone trustworthy and not in it for their own gain/ego trip. And while I'm sad you did that, at least you're honest enough to own up to it and take responsibility. Wish I had the answer, but I really do think having someone help you manage your finances would be an excellent start.
from momoironeko :
While I love the concept and overall feel of the music, the midi sounds are deterring me from truly enjoying the song. --- And you're not self-absorbed anymore than every other human being on this old earth. :) ---In regards to the woman situation, be careful, please. You could get severely hurt.
from ogawa :
think about your frinds AFTER you think about *yourself*. put yourself first. be a little selfish, if you only do things to please others you will end up miserable. i used to do that. try to please everyone. and i ended up trying to kill myself in the end. because lets face it, most people don't show gratitude.
from momoironeko :
Well, I'm not mad or disappointed in you at all. You're my friend. ^_^
from momoironeko :
I'm sorry if I've seemed distant. I was having a horrible day and for some reason just started thinking people didn't care about me. I'd finished my friend's character art and was really happy with what I'd accomplished. I thought it looked awesome compared to my past drawings. And he was extremely disappointed because it wasn't "professional". I can understand better now, how you feel about your compositions and will do my best to really listen to them.
from silverluna :
Have you tried making a spreadsheet or chart, something visual that could remind you to save the money you have? Like a white board or a sheet of paper that you can stick on a wall and look at every morning. It could have a list of the money you have and how you have planned to use it, for the bare necessities like food or pay phone. Then you write phrases like SAVE MONEY! or DON'T SPEND IT ON this or that. You do need someone to help you out, step by step.
from ogawa :
just e-mailed you :)
from momoironeko :
I didn't know if you were reading anymore. I'll change it back.
from ogawa :
thank god. that's great news. <3
from momoironeko :
I really do wish I could offer advice but I'm not so sure it would be helpful. All i can offer is prayer and moral support. I know exactly what you mean about "criminalizing" individuals. My dad went through the same stuff trying to get disability, although, like David, he slew the giant and won the victory. Don't give up on yourself, I know you can pull through.
from ogawa :
what have you decided to do with all the money? be careful. <3
from momoironeko :
Sorry you're having trouble, don't know what to say or do.
from momoironeko :
Hope things work out.
from momoironeko :
Why not pay the debts and then high tail it out of there? That way, it won't be a nagging thought. :)
from ogawa :
'rent from a single individual landlord or landlady' well. there is no such thing here. either ads in the paper (random person renting out their apartment) or it's a company. sucks. anyway, thanks for the new user/pass! you did not send the e-mail twice so don't worry. maybe u should take it easy with the pot? God Bless <3
from ogawa :
that is - if it's a company. they have to assess if they can 'trust' her based on her answers. when it comes to ads in the paper about apartments and stuff,,,it doesn't work. they want A LOT of money and there is no guarantee she can continue to stay there for long. they can throw her out any time. now the social services found her a place she can 'stay' = old creepy house in the middle of nowhere but whatever. she can't stay there for long either....I don't know. I don't know what to do.
from ogawa :
problem is, they always ask where she is living now and how long she's lived there. so...that's why.
from ogawa :
great plan, Andy :)
from ogawa :
it's so fucked up that people think 'homeless' equals not being able to take care of yourself. they don't know your situation. besides, most homeless people aren't homeless because they want to. prejudice people piss me off. my mother in-law is homeless too, and I've seen how others treat her. she has an income, it's disability but still. it's money. she could easily get an apartment if the leasing company would let her. but they don't. because she is homeless to begin with.
from momoironeko :
Aw, glad you liked the pictures. And yeah, I've compared pictures of him to ones of myself at his age. We look almost exactly alike. :)
from momoironeko :
I understand not having the means to escape, that's why I offered to help with the headphones.
from momoironeko :
To have a child of your flesh and blood shun you like your daughter has would make almost any parent upset. I wish I could somehow make that situation better, be a mediator for both of you. However, this is something that the both of you are going to have to meet head on at some point. ----- And if I could, I'd buy you headphones and send them to you. I have the money, but where would I send them?
from momoironeko :
I'm sorry, I wish there was an answer to your problems.
from illusionless :
I think you are right. I think God also tests our patience so that we don't take things for granted. Don't you think?
from silverluna :
I made the "lyrics" up. I thought it was more like a poem. But it is interesting that it pertain to you.
from momoironeko :
Thanks for the note! I agree he probably doesn't know the whole story (and probably doesn't want to put me through a barrage of possibly needless tests). We should be able to put a few puzzle pieces together once my labwork is complete. Hubby suggested it could be thyroid, the remaining virus, and/or an ulcer. I don't really know anything except I'm stressed to the max with no ability to escape for much needed rest.
from silverluna :
I can't find the lyrics you are talking about. What was the entry about?
from silverluna :
I went to oneword.com and they give a word a day that you can write about. But it's timed so you have to write as much as you can think about in 1 minute.
from momoironeko :
Thank you for the notes and email. I'm sorry if I seem distant as of late. I'm just so frustrated about always being ill and not being able to do things I need/want to. I feel like a burden to everyone in my life...
from fragilegirl8 :
Her actions are intentional. She hasn't even responded to my text messages.
from momoironeko :
Thank you for the prayers. You are in mine as well. --- Concerning posting pictures, first you need a Flickr or photobucket account. Then you upload pictures to your account. There should be options to copy and paste pictures into your diary. A little HTML knowledge doesn't hurt either. --- I'm sorry your sleeping bag was stolen and I hope your plan doesn't fall through.
from momoironeko :
My doctor either talks with me about it or sends a copy of the completed lab work with the importent parts circled and notes added. And thank you, I'm really, really scared.
from momoironeko :
Yeah, I know they were but heck, if one can't post their true feelings somewhere, then it stays bottled up. It's good to be able to look back on those types of entries with a clearer mind and maybe even learn from them.
from momoironeko :
Man, I wish there was a way to get you out of that area. I really do think that's the answer but the tough part is finding an actual place to live that would be a good environment for you...
from writergrrl88 :
You gave me a password that doesn't work.
from ogawa :
are u okay?
from ogawa :
I always feel like you support me, because I know you're my friend :) it's good that you got the money...just try to be careful. oh and maybe I should send you money next month instead? take care Andy. <3
from koorikaze :
Oh, one of my friends suggested looking through bridesmaid dress patterns and the like. They might have been cheaper to make than simply buying. Sadly, that was so not the case. But, I have a feeling that dress will be mine soon. -grin- ~~~~And you are in my prayers.
from momoironeko :
Praying, wishing I could help, wondering why your so called family and friends refuse to help you.
from ogawa :
you're not asking God for favors. always pray andy, never lose faith. it's what makes life worth living <3
from ogawa :
I got your e-mail. going to reply soon. and looking for a piano-job is great, I think it would make you happy to be able to play again. you have a gift <3
from illusionless :
Thank you. I agree with you about that. It feels like I'm headed for a big change somehow.
from ogawa :
if I can send money to you, how do I do that? I don't know how but I would like to know there's an option....that it's possible, you know? I want to help in some way. can i send through paypal? btw, my new e-mail adress is sukides85@gmail.com. e-mail me if you feel like it. <3
from momoironeko :
It's a tough call sometimes to put down the music, art supplies, etc. But your body needs fuel to work properly. Still in my prayers, of course.
from ogawa :
I know how much you love to work on your project, but you have prioritize flying your sign so you can get food. after all, food is fuel. thinking of you. and praying for you always. god bless <3
from momoironeko :
Thank you for being so understanding. You are a true friend and I'm lucky to have you and Enurta in my life.
from momoironeko :
I'm glad things are looking up and I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you. I feel really guilty actually...
from momoironeko :
Sorry if my emails and note seemed harsh. I had to use my phone to reply and that is quite a royal pain and I also had a tantrum throwing toddler to deal with. If you need me, call me. I can't promise I'll be overly coherent but i will listen.
from momoironeko :
Just read your note, been out and just got back. Uh that number might be my old. I'll email you the number but be warned I might not be able to answer. Little one sleeps at nine fifty.
from momoironeko :
It's fine, trust me I do understand the situation. Get some rest if you can. I will pray you can.
from momoironeko :
I understand about most being system abusers. I just wish the "higher ups" could see that not all are like that. I'm so sorry and wish I could help somehow.
from momoironeko :
I had a dream the other night that I was shooting videos and taking pictures of homeless people. I was interviewing them as we'll and then once it was finished, I uploaded it to every video site I could, and also sent a hard copy to the city council, calling them out. While I can't do that, couldn't you all collaborate such a project or get omeone to help?
from momoironeko :
Sorry I haven't commented back. I wish I knew the answer to your problems. A change of venue *could* work but only under certain circumstances. I can't begin to imagine what life is like on the streets, but you paint the picture vividly enough for many of us to really see what happens. Art is therapy, whether it be music, drawing, writing, etc. You are lucky to have a laptop that works well enough so you can keep a sense of who you are. I'm sorry you are so frustrated with your music. (I know the feeling as I have written and re-written a fanfiction over one hundred times before I liked what I saw.) ---As for my diary, I'm not certain what I'm gonna do.
from enurta :
'I like it when it works out numerically exact like that. It makes me feel like God is in charge, and also makes me feel like I'm not wasting any money.' god is always watching over you andy <3
from enurta :
about Carmen....she has no right to treat you that way. too bad there are people like her in this world, picking on the people who have lost everything. what? does she thinks you sleep on the streets because you 'like' it? what a stupid ignorant person. makes me so angry. whatever, don't let her get to you. maybe you can find another spot? <3
from momoironeko :
"But my problem is, or has been, that I do *not* seek His kingdom first. I seek something else" Honestly, I believe that's true for most Christians. Our nature is to put "important things" first and more or less fall back to God when things either get bad or we have a spare moment. And you should try that church! I'll bet you'll be pleasantly surprised. --- As for my iPad, miraculously the screen has no damage and only the corners are dented. While it no longer looks pristine, it is functional and that's more than I could have hoped for. --- How are you feeling physically? I know you said you've been coughing and such. If you were here, I'd make you my special get well soup, bound to cure 90% of all illness. --- Concerning the dance, let's just say it will be quite hammy and cuteness overload.
from enurta :
maybe you need marijuana right now? so what? that's okay. when I stopped taking meds i had been taking for 8 years, I needed weed. now, after two months, I feel alright. and I have not smoked in I think...15 or 20 days...and I feel fine. what I'm trying to say is, even if you need it now - don't feel guilty. it's okay. pot is harmless anyway. God Bless <3
from momoironeko :
I agree 100% with Enurta on this one. And as for personality, being in certain situations can make us see things differently. Don't be too hard on yourself.
from enurta :
'I don't feel like I'm telling you anything you don't already know' - keep writing. no matter what, always write. it's better than therapy. besides, I like reading your diary. I feel sad when I have to read about your hardships but mostly you are rather positive and that's a blessing in disguise. God Bless <3
from enurta :
wow! I'm glad you met the street minister chick :) hope she can help you in some way. and good luck with your brother. I'm praying + keeping my fingers crossed for you <3
from momoironeko :
Aw, thanks. I admit, I'm a bit bummed because it had pictures of Stacee, who passed away a couple years ago. I think I wrote about it in my other diary but can't remember. Pictures and items of sentimental value are wonderful and so full of memories but sadly, things happen beyond our control and we have to just cling to the memories. ~~ What a kind lady the pastor sounds like. It sure is strange how God can take something we deem awful and turn it around into a major blessing. I'm sorry you didn't sleep well or enough. I hope you can catch up before you meet with your brother.
from enurta :
about rogue, at least you got closure. so many of my old 'friends' have dumped me, but never told me they were going to or why. they just kept ignoring me until I got the hint. it's painful. I know it must be hurt to be deleted like Rogue did to you, but if he did that, he wasn't a *real* friend to begin with.
from enurta :
I have told my mom about in the past, all she does is ignore my plea. so whatever. maya has been smoking for 4 years....
from momoironeko :
While it's possible, I'm hedging my bet on low thyroid levels and lack of exercise. My body was used to going to the gym at least three times a week and suddenly I get whammed with a double sinus infection, breathing issues, and a mild case of the tummy bug. I wish immune system transplants were possible. ~~~And I think it's a good course of action in regards to your daughter. ~~~I do agree, it hurts like mad to be rejected by others. I've been there and it's awful. But later I realized a few of those people were bad for me and in a sense, did me a favor by moving on. Still, I'm sorry it happened to you. You're only human and people need to understand that. Just remember that Enurta and I are among many that know the real you and will stick with you through good and bad times, even if just in spirit.
from momoironeko :
Oh, now I understand both situations a little better.
from enurta :
I don't think you should take anyone to her house if or when you go see Echo. they can go with you, but wait and watch from a distance. just barging in with two guys she's never seen before can be upsetting for her. the choice is yours but that's just my two cents......... <3
from momoironeko :
Just read your latest entry and while I agree you should check on Echo, I wouldn't word it exactly as your two friends said you should. Look inside yourself for the answer. As for "deleting" people, it's been happening since the days before Internet and computers and will continue to happen. And while sometimes it hurts the one being "deleted", most people do so to either send a message or avoid being hurt. Trust me when I say most people cutting ties do so solely based on fear, anger, hurt, and pain. Fight or flight, and most choose to fly.
from momoironeko :
I'm sorry you have to deal with all this. Let's hope things reconcile quickly.
from enurta :
closest*
from enurta :
thanks for the notes! of course I'll read your diary, you and L are my cloest friends! <3 about your daughter, I'm sorry she's been ignoring you...I would never ignore *my* father and he is an asshole, you on the other hand, are kind, caring, loving, you name it. so I cannot understand. I don't want to scare you but maybe she has started drinking again? does she live nearby? maybe you can go see her? face to face?? ask her what's going on?? god bless.
from momoironeko :
Going to the ER during day might be better but how often is it things happen during the day that lead you to go there? Usually it's after the deed is done which is at night. As for the laptop, the best option would be to put it into sleep mode, if it has one. And don't feel that you have to reply to my notes. I know you're limited on Internet time.
from momoironeko :
I'm sorry that all these things are happening. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I'm more busy than a one-armed paper hanger as of late...
from enurta :
oh and about the note you left, 'you can probably learn how to identiy close those gaps so that V can't get in so easily to do his thing -- if that's what N is thinking' that is *exactly* what N wants me to do, he wants me to be more confident so I can 'close the gaps' so V cannot be invited in. but it's a lot harder than it sounds. most times I don't know the differance between what thought is mine and which is V's.
from enurta :
I disagree with you. I dont think you belong on the streets. I understand that you dont want to be part of the mainstream but who says you have to? You can be different and unique without having to be homeless. You need a warm bed, a door you can lock and food! Please try to find some sort of solution, Im so worried about you when youre out there. Anything can happen at any time. God bless <3
from enurta :
thanks for always being so supportive andy. our friendship means a lot to me. i love you so much. going to update my diary and then read yours, been days since I did that. i hope you are okay. god bless <3
from koorikaze :
Maybe pastor Z just doesn't understand because she isn't an artist? It's awesome you can get inspiration from real life events and work on what makes you happy. Some people, even fellow artists, might not understand where you're coming from, as they aren't in your shoes. Everyone reacts to ups and downs differently. But I am glad you are doing better and trying to stay sober. And thanks for deleting those notes.
from enurta :
I think you should leave. start over fresh somewhere, maybe where you have friends or family? <3
from enurta :
I'm glad you have a sleeping bag :) that's great! and also, pat yourself on the back for not buying speed. major achievement, really. why do you hang out with the drug-dealer guy anyway? he sounds like an eyesore. plus, it's better to stay away from addicts and drugdealers as much as possible. just so u can avoid the 'temptation'. i never set foot in a liquor store for example. why take the risk? love you <3
from momoironeko :
Ack! My spell checker is killing my notes. I meant to say, "done quite well" not quote. But the mistake did make me giggle.
from momoironeko :
Thank you for the note. I figured you and Enurta would understand the entry (the one I ended up deleting) but I just didn't feel right leaving it up. It was too selfish sounding. After some hot tea and prayer, I feel much better. And as for contributing, I think you've one quote well. You've given good advice to your friends and have done amazing work with your compositions.
from koorikaze :
Whoops, I forgot to add a thank you for the notes. I think my mom will be okay but I still want to be there for her. I'm going to be there for the diagnosis, if not anything else. And she's trying to whip my dad into shape. Lol!
from koorikaze :
Almonds are really good energy food but with your current problem, maybe not the best idea. If you could eat some peanut butter or drink chocolate milk, that might help. Green tea has good energy refuel or a protein drink maybe (though personally they never work for me). Maybe search energy foods on google or health sites?
from enurta :
thanks for the note Andy. I'm glad your brother has offered to help. I just wish he could do more, you're his brother and you're on the streets. he should help. but I guess it isn't that easy. N's mom has been homeless for almost 3 years. I want to help her, but N has said no. its a complicated situation. for everyone involved. but can't you speak to a social-worker? maybe they can find a solution? it breaks my heart everytime I read about where you have to sleep, I don't know what to do.
from koorikaze :
When I was in college, people used to go to the dental school for cheap exams and help. Maybe that could be an option? also, it could be the substance you took has affected your tooth/teeth or gums. As for the flu, maybe once your dental problem is fixed, it will subside. It's been known to happen. And all is good, everyone has bad days.
from momoironeko :
I hope things work out for you, I really do.
from momoironeko :
Some people don't understand what it means to an artist to have an outlet for their creativity. I don't know your siblings, although your brother was kind enough to inform me of where you were. And I'm grateful because I was fearing you'd done what you are talking about doing now. I care about you! You're my friend and if I could, I'd sell my kidney to get you out of that area. I'm out of answers though and all I can hope is you never run into those guys or anyone that could... Please don't do it! Do you not understand the guilt I will have to live with knowing all I can do is sit here and read this as my stomach knots and tears threatening to fall. I've never felt so freaking useless!
from momoironeko :
Actually, I enjoy your music but moreso, I enjoy having you as a friend. Please don't end your life over something that I'm sure will end well if you just give it time. You are talented, the world should be pleased to hear your music. It would be even better if the composer was alive to receive the credit he deserves.
from momoironeko :
I hate to do this, but I really think you need to hear the truth. How many laptops have you gone through in the past two years? How many times has the laptop seemed like the answer, but ended up being a huge burden? You are talented and you do deserve to arrange it and compose the music you come up with. But isn't there another way? A notepad or some tablet until you get your issues fixed? Suicide isn't the answer, drugs aren't the answer, maybe rehab isn't the answer. I don't think a laptop would be the true answer either. Try to breathe, stop for a minute, re-organize your thoughts. There has to be a solution.
from momoironeko :
I'm trying to figure out a bus schedule/plan but so far, I'm coming up empty handed. I only made $10 at the yard sale yesterday and only have $5 left in my bank account. I don't know what to do. I hope you are okay until I can figure out something.
from koorikaze :
I think the whole twenty dollar episode was a test, or at least that's my perception of it. I mean, the Lord does allow us to make our own choices and even if he heckled you, you still had choices. And I wouldn't call it cowardice if you need to get out of a bad place. Was Lot a coward for leaving his hometown when it was destroyed? How about this, if it's meant you are to have a "change of scenery", then the money and events will fall neatly into place. If you're meant to stay there, then that too will be obvious.
from koorikaze :
Satan wants to appeal to us, our desires, our true thoughts and such. To do this, he becomes suave, friendly, and encouraging. "Just one bite of the forbidden fruit will surely not tear you away from God." is more or less the line he fed Eve. He feeds us all sorts of lies to get us to deny God, to turn away and then, once he wins, his true side prevails. Satan is ugly, I fight with him all the time. We all have weaknesses, some we can fight alone, some we can't. I know it's tempting because you are an artist, and a darned great one at that, but you don't need enhancements from that stuff. You just need a safer muse and to get the heck out of that town. I'm having a yard sale soon. If I can, I'm getting you a ticket to Charlottesville. If I can't get enough money, believe me when I say I'd get my license and drive to get you out of there if I have to.
from enurta :
you probably don't want to hear (read) this but I am so afraid that your addiction is eventually going to kill you. I love you, and I don't want to lose you. please be careful.
from koorikaze :
Just be careful. I don't want anything happening to you.
from enurta :
:( that social worker is just stupid. whatever, too bad you couldn't stay though. I understand that it's an awkward situation to be in <3
from momoironeko :
I wish I knew what to say. I feel completely at a loss to help you and it hurts. I'm so sorry. Sometimes it really does suck to be introverted when certain situations call for the opposite. There's nowhere you can turn to? No other city that might be more accepting?
from enurta :
hey. thanks for the note. and good luck with the detox. you can do it. i'll be keeping my fingers crossed. we're all rooting for you <3
from koorikaze :
I will never cease praying for you. The same applies to friendship. I care about you as a friend and as a sister in Christ. Thank you for your note. I will pray for your strength.
from koorikaze :
Praying for you right now. Try your best, this might be your only chance to get help before... I just don't anything to happen to you! -hugs-
from cloudy-night :
I hope it all works out. It's going to a challenge, going against your very nature. But I know you can do it - shake off those demons! You're a church going fellow, pretty sure you can meet a woman in church.
from enurta :
I'm praying <3
from koorikaze :
I care about you no matter what you do. I'm praying for you.
from enurta :
also I wanted you to know that I'm here. I'm your friend no matter what. I don't think less of you just because you 'used' again. you're in a really shitty situation. and I understand. but please...you are harming yourself. you may feel happy now but when the buzz wears off, you're going to regret everything.
from enurta :
why andy? you're going to regret what you did...
from cloudy-night :
I must be rough. There have been so many times in my life that I felt that the ones I love and reached out to never gave a damn about me. It has gotten to the point that I never express how I feel to them - I just listen to them tell me their problems. I know you have a monkey on your back and it's hard to shake, but you need to try my friend. I'd hate to never read another one of your words nor hear any of your music. Every time I read about your struggles or hear about the struggles of other people I care about, I get pissed. I really don't think it's fair, not at all. I'm losing faith, I am trying so hard to convince myself- I'm really trying to believe! I just don't know anymore, all this optimism is leaving me a bit weary... I mean, i think I'm tired. However, I still have just a bit of faith. I think that everyone I care for will be alright and that the world will be just fine. Yeah...
from cloudy-night :
I'm happy that you have your financial situation worked out. So you're getting tired of Berkley, eh? Do you plan to leave or distance yourself from the people who seem to hold you back? I hope that everything works out for you and it's good to know that you'll be making music again!
from koorikaze :
Be gentle to yourself, we all make mistakes. I know being without shelter is hard but please try to keep healing. A suggestion for when things get too harsh would be to sit on a grassy spot in the park, close your eyes, and take deep breaths. Maybe watch the clouds roll by a little. And as for helping, I would offer my help even if you never asked. I care about you as my friend. And as a side note, hotmail is being cruel to me as of late so I haven't been able to write that email. I am praying for your healing and for you in general, of course.
from cloudy-night :
I think the mayor of Berkley is full of ****! It does seem like he's catering to business and I agree with you, it's your constitutional right to sit anywhere you effing please! I also think that James is right, getting out of town for a while may do you a bit of good my friend. Sorry to hear about the relapse as well, but you shouldn't be hard on yourself. We're all fallible creatures and we can strive for perfection but it's just an ideal. Long as you strive for something, it keeps you on the straight and narrow. I have to back up for a second, if you guys have a petition online concerning the sit-lie issue, let me know - I'll sign it and let my concerns be known. I also know what you mean, I'm a bit of an introvert and it's hard for me to fit into society at times. Sorry it took me so long to check out your entry. Job hunting is an unpleasant thing.
from illusionless :
What is DMT?
from enurta :
I'm so sorry all that bullshit happened....I hope you'll find a place to stay soon. praying for you <3
from momoironeko :
I'm going to make you a blanket and see what I can do about a sleeping bag/pillow. I'm also knitting you a hat as the cold months are moving in. But what I'd really love is if we could somehow help you move out of that area. Charlottesville is a very interesting city where musicians can catch a break. I believe rent might be cheaper there than where you are now (but I'm not sure). Whatever the case, I'm praying for you.
from cloudy-night :
So someone stole your backpack while you were jogging? That really sucks, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry that things didn't work out with Kim as well, you couldn't go against your instinct? Something was up with her? What do you mean they are trying to end homelessness in Berkley, so what do they expect you all to do? I don't like politicians, they don't look out for everyone - just the jerks who they can snag votes from! God has a plan for you, I just know it! So are you planning to leave town? Do you think that your siblings or daughter can put you up until you get a better handle on things? I wish I could help you, I hope things work out.
from koorikaze :
Whew, I am so relieved to see you are okay (or as okay as one can be in such a situation). You are in my prayers.
from musikoid :
Guys, I'm okay. I didn't see that guy, though there were other mishaps, as reported in notes and emails. I think I've answered all your notes but I had to delete a couple that I thought were a little explicit. Honestly, I'm okay. I'll probably update again in detail soon.
from enurta :
It's been a while since you updated and I'm very worried about you my dear friend. I hope you are okay. praying that you're safe.
from momoironeko :
Andy, are you ok?
from momoironeko :
Yikes! Best stay away from that fellow if at all possible. And I'm sorry I haven't emailed you yet. Things are completely crazy here but I will reply once things settle.
from cloudy-night :
I thought you decided against buying a new laptop. Did you get the Toshiba that you mentioned a few entries ago? What do you need the upgrade for, is it to play your music or to convert older files? My mama always tells me that's there's nothing wrong with splurging on yourself every once in a while. So you shouldn't be too hard on yourself.
from koorikaze :
I agree with Enurta about the piano playing. You are very talented. And distancing one's self from computers, internet, and electronic gadgets in general is a good thing to do. I hope they can help you get your files working again!
from enurta :
thanks for the note Andy! I think you really should start playing the piano again. it would be great. for you, and for those who listen :)
from momoironeko :
I'm sorry you had a bad time at the coffee place. Maybe it wasn't your association with the lady, but a limited understanding and lack of consideration of the worker. I once entered a well known coffee place and the worker had to explain the difference is sizes because I tried to order a medium coffee. And hooray for clean laundry! I hope your day gets better. And I want to reply to your note, but might do so in email, if that's ok. ^_^
from enurta :
I'm praying for you. but I agree with what you wrote about the computer....maybe buying one isn't such a good idea? you seem some how to be more relaxed now when you only update ur diary once a day. life - is out there. computers = fantasy world.
from cloudy-night :
I really want to get into running, I want that feeling of exhilaration that you're feeling. I am so out of shape that I'll have to start the whole "couch to 5k" regiment all over again. I guess once things start calming down, I will. That is a nice runner's watch, all it need it a pulse monitor. That laptop looked pretty nice too - wouldn't be a bad deal if you wanted it. But I can understand how you feel when it comes to internet addiction. I watch so much anime and streaming television shows that I don't have time for much else. So like you, I'm going to give it up for a while and use it sparingly. Although, I'm working on my programming and will take a few online classes. But I'm going to start getting out and stretching my legs. I pray that you get that money, later!
from momoironeko :
Thank you, and I for you.
from momoironeko :
Thank you for the notes and prayers. To be honest, I am in a sticky situation but it isn't as bad as my mind makes it out to be. I think the jitters are, of course, thyroid based and will remain until I've tapered down to where I need to be. I hope you use that movie card and enjoy yourself. And congrats on the interview! That's totally awesome. :)
from koorikaze :
"...it isn't about looks. It's about how you feel inside, and what you do with it." So very true. If you feel good about yourself, then it shows. I wish you the best of luck with running. It's great to see you are in good shape like that. :)
from enurta :
just finished reading your diary. I have no idea what to tell you. I don't want you to die on the streets. pot is okay as long as you don't turn to other drugs. I can imagine that it is very tempting, just so you can escape reality. but please. never. ever.
from enurta :
thanks for the note. thank you for your kind words. but that dream seems so far away, I honestly don't know when or if I ever can go back to school....
from illusionless :
Hi Musikoid. Sorry that you are homeless again. Good luck in your search for a new place to live. I hope you find one more suited to your needs.
from momoironeko :
You might want to try it if you get the chance. Thing is, it's a bit expensive depending on where you get it and I don't think there's a generic version. And thank you for the note. I really was led to the right place. :)
from momoironeko :
Gotta comment from this account as I can't remember my other user information (insert shame face here). I use nature thyroid as my med of choice. It's more gentle on my bones than synthroid and easier to manage. ^_^ I honestly despise synthroid, just hate the stuff honestly...
from koorikaze :
I do want to comment that while I can understand your emotions concerning the current situation, I just can't understand the situation myself, having never been there. When there is a chance to contact you, it's usually rushed and my responses can never be as lengthy as they ought to be. I care about you, you are a good friend and I apologize for not letting you know as often as I should.
from koorikaze :
-sighs- I'm sorry I haven't noted you but honestly, I just don't know what to say other than I'm praying for you and sorry you're in such a situation...
from enurta :
if you're happy - enjoy it. you deserve it. after all you've been through. love you <3
from cloudy-night :
You've been dealt a bad hand my friend and it's only natural to blame God, I have. When that happens to me and the smoke settles, I realize that I am the only one to blame for my problems and that I am the only one who can fix them. God only help those who help themselves seems to be the axiom for most situations. He can only help us so much, right? If you can't wait a while, I'll send you a backpack and a little pocket money. Things will get easier for you and your music will be heard by hundreds of thousands one day. I'm looking forward to hearing the completed version of Babylon! All the greatest tend to struggle before they hit pay-dirt (sorry for all the crappy cliche's).
from enurta :
I think you should stay in Berkeley. talk to thor. maybe you can agree on some payment-plan? if you do not have the money right now. if you have the money, go for it! you need a real roof over your head. so you can get rest, and make music!
from momoironeko :
I will get the information from Enurta then. :) And as for my eating disorder, I believe you are exactly right. It's the same as cutting in many senses and the feeling of being in control in an otherwise crazy life. This is one thing I hope to address with my new counselor starting Friday. I just need better ways to cope with stress and a better "safety net". And yes, Xanax works well but my problem is it made me very depressed when I came down off it. And something for us to think about is any type of anti-depressant and/or tranquilizer can mess up the thyroid. Wow, I'm sorry to hear about the library and your family troubles. But considering you didn't hurt anyone, the only thing the library workers could do is ask you to leave, right? I'm still sorry and wish there was some way to help. Once I get credit card debt paid, I can try to send you money. It might be awhile though.
from koorikaze :
I am so glad. Perhaps just remembering the song can help uplift you. I always cry when I hear this song, the words are so simple and yet so powerful and true.
from koorikaze :
Please hang in there. but I'm guessing things are very rough right now. You are very dear to me so please keep hanging in there.
from enurta :
:( don't do drugs....
from momoironeko :
Since I haven't been able to read your diary, I don't know what's really going on. What I do know is you are wise, talented, and a good friend who has been put into less than nice circumstances. You're still alive when many people in your situation would take heir lives. Hang in there, buddy. I might not be 100% free but I'll do my best to help when I can.
from enurta :
'I'm only riff-raff, trailer trash, street-life, druggie space case scum.' that's bullshit. that isn't even you talking, that's your inner fears surfacing. you are so smart and wise. I love you. please do not say/write/think mean things about yourself. you know deep down that crap isn't true. you are a very talented person.
from enurta :
It's great that you're going to A.A meetings. but didn't you say they brainwash people?? with the whole 12 step program or whatever it's called....do you still smoke pot?
from enurta :
Every weekend. But i talked to him about it last night and he said he probably wont get the job because 'nothing good ever happens'. He has completely lost faith. Its sad, really
from momoironeko :
Oops, I forgot to add that I wasn't getting emails at hotmail from anyone. The problem was fixed though. O_o
from enurta :
yeah I'm thankful for having such good friends here...about norway, no I'd never move. my cat tabby tom needs to get taken care of, my mom is here, my doctor/therapist/nurse, you name it. it's here. I can't even sleep if I'm at my mom's - and that's a busride from where I live. but to move to norway? never.
from momoironeko :
Thank you. I chose life and peace. I wandered too far into the darkness and tried to do things myself. Once I asked God to help, my burdens were lifted. I'm going to update on my other diary with what happened. Thank you so much for the prayers and support. You are a good friend.
from fragilegirl8 :
I never got the password change.
from momoironeko :
I'm glad I have helped at least a little. I just mean, I tire of being in a constant state of anxiety, never really happy. I tire of always smiling and trying to put on an act just so people appreciate my "goofiness". I'm tired of living.
from momoironeko :
Praying for you. If there was ever a way for you to come here, I could help you out. But I'm going to be gone soon anyways. I'm sorry I wasn't a help to you and my other friends.
from enurta :
keep writing. I always read. i might not do it every day but i log into D-land when I want to update my own diary, and after I'm done, I read yours. I understand that you are frustrated, because I know what it's like to be homeless. but don't get me wrong, I can't put myself in your shoes. you are struggling right now and I get it. Im praying for you, and I'll never stop.
from momoironeko :
I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. It has been a long time since I have been able to get Internet, and didn't find out until just now... I will pray for you and if I can, will try to send you some money.
from enurta :
'And maybe I *am* going to Hell. Maybe the Lord never touched me. Maybe it was all an illusion, wishful thinking, a pipe dream, a fantasy. It doesn't seem like a real Christian would be into sinning to the gross extent that I do.' You should never assume *anything* about God. this world is a test. at least that's what I personally believe. sure, you 'fall' a lot but you also get up as if nothing happened...that's admirable. so do not give up! it's never too late to start over.
from enurta :
Sorry i used your name. I wasn't thinking. You can delete the note. I was upset because of N. I did not mean to be bitchy. I'm really sorry.
from enurta :
I pray for you to be safe and drug-free before going to bed every night. I am your friend andy, and to be honest, right now...I am very worried about you. you are being very impulsive. please be careful. I'm sorry you ended up on the streets again, you made a mistake and this is the consequence.
from illusionless :
Thanks for the note. I hope you can get a new computer soon. I miss talking to you. I finally got skype to work on my laptop. I'll have more time to talk when I return home near the end of July.
from cloudy-night :
I'm sorry that nothing is going right for you, my friend. If I could help you, I surely would. I feel like shit because I could have sent you something earlier in the year, but I was so caught up in my own shit. Forgive the language and forgive me for forgetting to help out a friend, I will pray for you - I promise and I'll keep you thoughts every day. I won't be around for a few days, but I'll make sure to check up on you when I get back. God be with you!
from cloudy-night :
man, that really sucks. sorry to hear that your laptop and money was stolen. I am assuming you couldn't get her license plate number. like you mentioned, maybe God was trying to tell you something. I hope that you receive a blessing soon. also, did you get a new key? hope you're resting well.
from enurta :
don't be so hard on yourself. we all make mistakes. just learn from it and move on. sorry your laptop was stolen though :( and the money...
from enurta :
I care....and I will always care. I'm sorry you have so much on your plate right now. but I'll never stop praying. love you <3
from koorikaze :
Laptop keyboards have a tendency to be a little loud and acoustics can play a minor part. Still, I'm sorry that happened. And as for the music, I might have to listen to it while I'm at the gym tonight. :)
from talktogod :
You know, it's almost impossible to type quietly on a laptop... Of all the things that are wrong with the world and people gotta complain that you type too loud?? Geez...
from illusionless :
Hi. I can't seem to get into your diary at the moment. Sorry for being absent. Been very busy at my moms place and seeing family and I've also been having trouble getting skype on my laptop here.
from cloudy-night :
Things seem to be going well with you. You got your space back and a little something, something to go along with it. But what about the Wendy thing, is it going well?
from koorikaze :
Hey there, thanks for the note. The appointment went really well, actually. She took the time to show/explain what exactly is going on, what it could lead to in the future, and how we can prevent further injuries. No other medical professional took that initiative so I was fairly clueless. And I'm sorry things have been hurting/triggering you. I really hope they get better. And don't worry about me if you can help it. I might get down, but God will lift me up high. ^^
from enurta :
thanks for the note. it's comforting that I'm not the only one who reacts this way...it's good that you called the crisis line. are you an impulsive person? because i am.
from justmeasiam :
Hi musikoid...thank you for the note and update. Please send the password...I still have the same email addy. :)
from musikoid :
I'm all better now.
from illusionless :
I haven't heard from you in a while. Are you ok? I hope you're well. I'm doing fine.
from illusionless :
Also if you want to spruce your diary up a bit design-wise let me know. I can't do all the fancy stuff yet, but I can do some little things. If you like it as is than just ignore this note. It looks great either way and it's the content that makes the diary, not the design.
from illusionless :
Having a bike should make traveling so much easier! Reading that entry made me feel like your diary has been given a much needed positive breath of fresh air! I wanted to ask you. You can read my diary right? I don't need to send them through e-mail anymore?
from journey2one :
Thank you.
from cloudy-night :
I'm happy to hear that you are doing well. As of now, I'm no longer on Facebook, but I pop on from time to time. It is great to reconnect with you as well!
from cloudy-night :
Hey, long time? How have you been?
from fifidellabon :
Hallo! I read your note to goose-girl, and thought that it was a brilliant response. So I thought that I'd let you know. Because, of course, the opinion of Fifi is thee most important in the universe! (I mock myself) Oh, and that is me faffing about in your d-land place. I can't seem to bring up your diary, but never fear, I will persevere! XOFifi
from fragilegirl8 :
Would love to read. Password please? Also Merry Christmas!
from musikoid :
I use it in my entries sometimes, but I prefer it not be in the notes, only because they're public. But no worries - merry Christmas to you too!
from fragilegirl8 :
:) Thank you
from illusionless :
Thank you for that lovely entry Musikoid. I really appreciate it. The support of you and others here on diaryland mean the world to me. Have a Merry Christmas ok?
from illusionless :
Thanks for the mention in your diary. I'm trying to keep a healthy attitude about what's going on with Step-mom. It's easy to dislike someone when they're fine or even wish bad things on them in your mind, but once something happens to someone and reality strikes I can't turn my back. I think it's the curse of caring too much about people. I know that you have the same thing in you. God Bless.
from enurta :
what happened to you, makes me think of a quote i really love, it's a little cheesy but SO true. 'When God closes a door - he opens a window' :)
from enurta :
and about the echo thing and everything that went down, I think she was selfish. she could have lent you a helping hand, she could have reached out to you, even after the cop thing. but she didn't. and that says a lot about her. sorry if I've offended you, it's just how *I* see it. she should apologize.
from enurta :
hey, wow! you have a place where u can stay?! that's great...I'm so happy for you. I've been praying so much for you these past days, actually, since I found out you were homeless. I light incense and pray for you to feel better, to find a place to stay. I'm so happy right now. Love you! take care of yourself. *hugs*
from koorikaze :
Not to sound rude, but if I had been your daughter and known your whereabouts I would have tried to contact you then if there was no response, call the cops. However, maybe she was just helping in the only way she knew how at the time. Not defending anyone, just putting my 2 cents in...
from momoironeko :
I'm sorry you can't stay with your friend and that you can't do the things you enjoy right now. I hope things get better.
from enurta :
I'm glad you're OK. I was really worried. <3
from koorikaze :
I never did get your user/pass. What's going on? Email me please...
from illusionless :
No, you didn't send me the user/pass.
from enurta :
I'll pray for you. I always do...every night. please take care of yourself. thinking of you. *hugs*
from cloudy-night :
Hey. When you get a chance, can you email me your password, try to log in earlier and you were locked.
from cloudy-night :
Hey thanks about the mispelled word. I never realized it was jot instead of jolt, but now I know. :) Um, oh yes. I don't think you're inconveniencing me. I like your music, I just don't want to give my two cents when I partially listened to your music. Have you ever listened to a song that didn't like only to love it after you took time to hear it? I don't know what that had to do with what I was saying, i'll blame it on the lack of sleep. Later Musikoid!
from fragilegirl8 :
You are welcome :)
from cloudy-night :
Hey, I only listened to twenty minutes of your music at work and I can't really comment on it right now. I have to be in a more relax state in order to focus on it. I will be able to say something by Sunday. I don't know what good it will do, but as always, you have my support man! :)
from corposant :
Thank you for taking the time to comment on my latest poem. My father died 10 years ago, so I was a little surprised to feel such a longing to speak with him again. But it's good to be able to grieve for him a little, once in a while.
from illusionless :
Sorry I forgot to comment on how you said people are always busy and never have any time for you. I go through the same thing. Lots of my friends live far away or have families or can never make the time. It sucks, but keep trying to plan things with people. Something should give eventually. Why not pray about it?
from illusionless :
Thank you for the note. I have the same issue as you when it comes to people. I get upset that they don't call me and whenever I call them I worry that I am bugging them, but it's important to ignore that untrue voice. Keep taking the initiative to call your friends. I figure when they talk to you often then they are more likely to think of you and wonder how you are doing and then they would call you. I still have friends who never call me and I ALWAYS have to call them, but I've learned that that is ok. It doesn't mean they don't want to be my friend. Also what did you mean by "The parable of the unjust judge?" I don't understand what you mean and what you are referring too. One more thing. I love when you leave me notes! You always have such awesome things to say! You can never leave me too many notes. I would never be annoyed by it.
from enurta :
I can't listen to them,...something about due to licensing, I can't view them from the the country I'm in.
from enurta :
The smartest thing to do is to cut him out of my life. But its complicated, thats why I cant. He would get angry, and hurt my mom or/and my sister. And I dont want to put them through that. He pretends he has changed, he pretends we are a happy family. But were far from it. He is delusional. And N said the same thing as you, that I shouldnt be afraid of him. All he ever does when hes here is get drunk anyway. Hes harmless when hes here, as long as I dont say/do something to provoke him. Its all about me. It always have been, and always will. Im sick of it, but I cant see any way out.
from musikoid :
But nothing is fixed.
from musikoid :
Yeah.
from enurta :
you left again?
from illusionless :
I'm glad to see that you are getting help again. Going with a friend who understands is also a great idea. I hope you guys support each other in recovery. Good luck. I will pray for you.
from newschick :
no, it makes sense. i'm glad you find something you can relate to through my writing...makes me feel not so alone <3
from stardumb :
thank you musikoid!
from dinahsoar :
Thank you. I don't remember what happened, but I think something did. Hope you are well. Take care!
from enurta :
I'm sorry Tony's wife is being such a bitch. You shouldn't put up with it, but at the same time, she *is* basically your boss. and you live there. so it would be smart not to piss her off. I hope things will work out for the best and that you will feel better and stronger soon. love you. <3
from enurta :
so you only work at the hotel now? are you going to have enough money to stay there and eat as well? I'm a little worried about you. *hugs*
from enurta :
Had to delete your note. you wrote my real name in it...I'm paranoid that someone will find me here. so I'd like to stay under the radar. about quiting....what are you going to do next?
from cloudy-night :
I was looking into buying a running watch as well. But the one I want cost a little more. It has a lot of gadgets that I don't really need. I was never a big Miley Cyrus fan, but Party U.S.A isn't a bad song at all. I'm happy that things are better for you, it takes time, but things always work themselves out, eh?
from cloudy-night :
Sorry to hear that your job isn't leaving you with that happy feeling. I guess that sometimes we get the things that we want and still feel empty inside. It's okay, it just means there is more out there to discover. I'm happy that you got that job and I'm happy that you can inspire the future musicians of the world. Under your tutorledge, I'll expect great things from them!
from enurta :
'I'm easier to be around, and I never get mad any more, as long as I have enough pot.' isn't it expensive? I don't smoke it, but N does...but only like once a month. not often at all. because it's so expensive. and he tries to distance himself from the pot as much as possible, he doesn't want to become addicted to getting high (mental addiction). are you addicted? you should think long and hard about it. smoking sometimes is ok, but every day, that seems a little extreme.
from enurta :
hey, I'm glad you're back. I've missed you. a lot. <3
from musikoid :
Thanks. I'll try to make an entry every morning.
from cloudy-night :
Long time, no read my friend. It's good to see you on again. I'm looking forward to reading your entries and knowing what's been going on with you.
from musikoid :
I didn't realize it was locked. I unlocked it now.
from illusionless :
Hi. Sure I wouldn't mind reading your entry first before giving you the info. Only problem is that yours is locked as well. Can I please have the username and password? My e-mail is emilymiedema (at) gmail (dot) com. Then I'll send you my info.

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