DiaryLand members area

Holy Toledo, what's with the tri-fold notes? Anyway, I came on here to say something or other about moving and stuff but I'll just throw it in when I go home, strip down to my chonies to respond to your email whilst eating dry cereal.

from lissacakes :

OMG, welcome to my life. I don't know how everything I touch turns to crap, such as bills and rent checks. It'll be funny next week, kind of. You should read kelsi. She's really sarcastic and lives in Seattle and talks about going to see bands sometimes.

from lissacakes :

"You are fun and likeable and wonderful. The only reason that your friends are older and married is that you are simply too wonderful to waste your time with younger people who have no drive and no spirit." .... This is very sweet and nice, but I don't know... I don't even consider any of these people friends anymore. F 'em all, I say.

from lissacakes :

You absolutely will have to email me pictures if of Seattle and your place! Anyway. It is completely acceptable to ask for a few days. I think it makes you look thoughtful and it also shows that you take yourself seriously and they should too. I'm horrible at that kind of stuff, which is why I'm always so terribly underpaid. That and I don't have a penis. That does matter. Anyone who tries to tell me differently is delusional or a liar. You can't fake a penis, so take a few days. I feel like if someplace can't wait up to a week for me to decide, it means they are desperate for someone and the place is probably a disaster and that is not my problem. So sick of everyone else's ill planning becoming my problem. No need to start out things that way. In the past, I've just said that I have a few more interviews over the course of the week and something about wanting to see which opportunity would be the best fit with me. Not for me, but with me. God, I hate all the job hunting BS.

from askforthesea :

Haha! I'll take pictures of my new apartment once everything is set up and we can compare furniture. IKEA is like the best thing that's ever happened to me. I feel like such a dork.

from lissacakes :

Thank the stars that you are likeable and capable of making friends. I have lived in Phoenix for four years and still have nobody to go to anything with. Except Rob, and it's obvious why that is not good enough. I'm such a loser!! All my "friends" are old and married and aren't really "friends" anyway. You'll make cool, age-appropriate friends and be having a ball in no time.

from lissacakes :

How do you know he's Alaskan? Do they have accents or something? Hey, how come Floridians don't have Southern accents? They are as South as you get.

from lulublu :

ah yes.. coffee, cute Alaskans, and attractive neighbors. All wrapped up in a Seattle package....good times ahead....

from lissacakes :

Did I mention that I was jealous? I have not been to Anthropologie since Sweet Pea was crunched. I was on my way back from there with lovely brown, ribbed pants. It's like if I return, I'll have another totaled car!

from bubaloo :

Yay! You are back! I'm so happy! How's Seattle? What's your first name? lol Hope everything went well. I'm internetless myself right now. Sigh. Not a lot going on anyway.

from lulublu :

Woohoo! You're back! Must email me with all the gory details.....

from lissacakes :

Yay! You are back! OMG! You are back! Fantastico! You are in Seattle. I am so jealous. I want to move! I'm bored. It's time to move. I want to travel. Oh, I'm going to Toronto is September, I think. Anyway, username is your diary name and password is your first name.

from bubaloo :

OMG, I can't believe you have been gone as long as I have, how are you doing?

from bubaloo :

Yeah Pix, that's what I was thinking! A sugah momma for me. Except I'm too damn independent for that. I won't let people help me when I really DO need help, ya know? I'm going to have to stay open minded.

from lissacakes :

I think the longest I went without sex was mid December 2003 and April 25, 2004. I was so disgusted with it, it got to the point where it was okay. Well, from March on, I wanted Rob, so it wasn't okay, but... It's been an entire year plus some, and he's still in my life, but how much of it was positive? I think I'm in for another dry spell once I finally and for all time let him go. I don't want to look anymore, either. I don't want to try anymore. I know it's not fair, but I expect the next person to put in 110%, while I put in 50%. They have a long way to go to prove that they are a vicious piece of scum in nice guy clothing.

from bubaloo :

those are definitely good signs of things going your way. Free cookies? really? I'm jealous...

from bubaloo :

Wow. That therapy' starting to come out. Have you still been going?

from lulublu :

you know you miss me.....lol! I can't wait to have my own internet so that I can get caught up on all the goings-on of mis amigas....

from lissacakes :

You know, as far as being "hip," it's like a have a good eye. I'll drive by somewhere or talk with someone in line somewhere and I'll notice a place, go, tell Rob about it, and then the next week, it's in the New Times. However, then the actually hip people overrun it and I am decidedly a nerd when I show up again. God, I am such a loser in social situations - of course, having actual friends with me and some liquor helps slightly.

from lissacakes :

Just try one. And tell him your misgivings and joke about how you filled it out drunk. But don't make him feel like a loser for doing that online. Maybe the quiet, smart, artsy guys are too scared to talk to you in the real world and that's why they are on EHarmony. Ah, just try one. I'm so curious. Tell me about them. Please, please, please. Okay, I'm being an enabler. Sorry. Okay, I've never told ANYONE this but I went on LavaLife and went out with one person and it was a disaster. I had just broken up with the cocksucker and I had never "dated" and just wanted practice interacting with other human beings. I would never do it again. I think the matching thing is the better way to go than just straight, blatant personal ads. Though, I'm way too burnt by that experience to even give EHarmony a shot. But... it's fun to think about, no?

from lissacakes :

Oh, we are Phoenicians. Doesn't that sound cool? Better than Phoenixers.

from lissacakes :

Except for maybe one or two, I've been or go to every single place that article mentions. Oh, but, my friend, I am not "hip" as they say. Very sadly, no.

from lissacakes :

No sugar?! That is just madness. Step away from the South Beach diet book. Oh, Pixakins, you will go crazy. Sugar is our friend! As are caffeine, all of the grain alcohols, and ribbed condoms, oh, I mean comfort food. Yes, comfort food is our friend.

from lissacakes :

I'd totally come visit. Now, the question is: drive or fly. Hmmm... hmmm... Probably fly.

from bubaloo :

Pixadilie, I know what you mean. It's one thing to be alone by choice and quite another by the sheer force of not knowing anyone. I will come and visit for a couple days in the summer (after the vegas thingie) to help ya meet people. Unfortunately, I'm good at that. LOL. Maybe one of the other amigas can head up that way as well. At least you will be on the right side of the country.

from bubaloo :

Pixalicious, where thouest be?

from bubaloo :

I love you too! Spend the gift card! Spend the gift card! Oh, and I love you even though I don't know what a true piece of eye candy you really are, so there! HA! Seriously, who wouldn't be a little scared of all the changes you are planning? I am sorry your lonely. If I could, I would keep you company, even though I'm tragically boring once again. Sigh.

from lulublu :

Hello lovelyface~ Hang in there, you will prevail....trust me, I know these things....I heart u!

from lissacakes :

I'll just speak as spokesperson for the group and say that we miss you. I hope you're doing something fantastically fun and not studying for tests. Bleh.

from lissacakes :

Did you ever have that coffee with A?

from lissacakes :

Yeah, just find an apartment that you think you'll love wherever it is, buy some pepper spray and chalk any fear you have at night up to life experience.

from lissacakes :

I was in Phoenix months before I switched over my registration and license to Arizona from California. I think that officially you probably have ten days or something. I think that I wouldn't even worry about it for a month. I don't think your current insurance can drop you till your policy with them comes up for renewal. My California insurance company said that I was covered with them until my policy expired, but then I'd have to find someone else because they didn't sell policies in Arizona. I did have to pass vehicle emissions to get registered in Arizona. But I got my Arizona license before I was registered. I didn't have to show proof of insurance for either. I just did everything piece meal. I don't even really remember. Yes, just call on Monday and you'll feel much better. Have you found any apartment leads? How much do you think you can afford a month? Not that I have any idea about the Seattle market!!!

from lulublu :

HAHAHA! Unfortunamente, no eye-candy for Lu! They're both very nie guys, but not my speed ya know? I'm actually very excited about my little room despite the asthetic challenges...lol....I can now get back to doing whatever the HELL I want since I won't be under a conduct contract anymore. Okay, so it's not like it really stopped me, but still.

from lulublu :

For sake of laziness, I'm pasting the note I sent Liss: I will be living in the grand Ol city of Costa Mesa, in a furnished room I will be renting out of a townhouse, for the lovely sum of 475 a month....Since it is furnished, I'm going to have to be CREATIVE decoratively speaking. The walls are currently a "wicked white" (lol) and the furniture is that Early nineties variety of white wood and plastic. It's definitely gonna be a challenge. There are two guys that live there as well, one across the hall and one downstairs.....it ain't much, but it's dirt cheap, so it's home. hahaha. See? Quick N EZ pastin'!

from bubaloo :

Hi sweetie! One of mine as well. I love your last few entries, you sound so resolute. Mighty forces are at work in your life. It's been a pleasure watching you get to this point. Take the actions. Things will change. For better or worse, they will change.

from lulublu :

Go Baby, Go! I believe in you. Completely.

from lulublu :

belly dancing, or tamborine-playing....you know, something completely productive...hahah

from lissacakes :

You got that pretty fast. Are you on a study week or something? I say, go to the beach. Oh, are you near a beach? Next time, have a day trip planned to stave off boredom. Last time, I went to see wildflowers.

from lissacakes :

I have decided that the MBA program won't be until next Fall, if at all. So, GMAT in like six months??? I really don't know. I'd rather take the GRE. I'd rather not be getting an MBA, but let's be truthful. I want MONEY. I would think the GRE would take as much brainpower as the GMAT???

from lulublu :

hahah! So we finally eeked a description out of you......I'm sorry things are kinda shitty.....hang in there, well, you already are hanging so maybe, hang proudly? I just don't know.....lol

from lissacakes :

Yeah, I'm thinking of going back to get the oatmeal ones they had, but I started out with the darker because I thought they'd be more slimming - then I was too lazy to try on the light ones and see if they didn't make me look like an elephant.

from lissacakes :

Wow, I write you really obnoxious notes where I whine and complain and talk about myself endlessly. And I just sent you a letter back today that is probably more of the same. Oh, I think Lu and I want to know what this girl actually looks like!!! You can embellish, of course.

from lissacakes :

Oh! The F word! You never use the F word! I always feel like I'm the only one with the sailor mouth... :)

from lulublu :

OMG! So lissa's comment about your exfriend just kills me... I picture her as the type of girl who wears her clothes 3 sizes to small while attempting to look classy, and the kind of Monet spackle job that is really just a mess up close......(and who says the movie Clueless didn't provide useful commentary?). The kind of girl that would've been pretty had she not been ravaged by years of Hooker-Slutness. In short, you are too much of a lady to consort with such garbage. BTW: Thank you so much for your notes of encouragement.

from lissacakes :

How did you find out about it? Everytime you talk about her my mental picture of her gets trashier and trashier. Think Kelly Bundy with a meth problem - kind of like Amy Smart as the prostitute in the Butterfly Effect. Which I'm sure she couldn't possibly look like that, but...

from lissacakes :

She is filthy. That is the most disgusting thing in the world to me, to think of fucking the same thing as someone else. EW. Tell her she's a slut for me, too.

from lissacakes :

It is so surreal! I'm so excited for you! I'm going to try to write you back today, because once the week starts I don't know when I'll get the chance. :( It's so horrible. I have all these little things that won't take that long that I want to do but I have to work too much. I worked six hours for the main job yesterday (Yes, I had to go in on a weekend on top of already working through lunches and late every night!) and I have to do about four hours from home tonight. Suck suck suck.

from lissacakes :

Oh, I'll come visit too. Yay!

from lulublu :

aww tanx love! You and Liss are angelitas!

from bubaloo :

Well, I guess that's a relative term. If you move to Seattle I am so coming to visit you. I'll grab lulublu on the way up. I need a break from the relentless southern california sunshiney happy horseshit.

from lulublu :

AHAHAHAHAH (breath) HAHAHAHAHHA! sexcited!

from lissacakes :

I got your letter. It came in when I was gone. I'll respond once I get over my severe depression over being back at work.

from lulublu :

LOL! Good LORD I love you! I hate schoooooooollllllll.

from lulublu :

That movie is funny to me, and I'm a genius.....HAAHAHAH! Humility abounds.

from lulublu :

hi....and hi....and uhuh........ WHO AM I? LOL

from lissacakes :

Ray is just becoming annoying, isn't he? Yeah, it's time for someone new.

from bubaloo :

lol, Snorting coke and staying up all night? What else could I be doing besides writing? Eh, that's probably it. I did laugh for about 5 minutes after I read that. Yay for gruesome experiences! I'll handle those for you. Live vicariously through me. It's much prettier that way.

from lulublu :

You are precious! Thanks soooo much for the gifts! That was incredibly sweet! I LOVE Anne Taintor!

from lissacakes :

I want a boy like the Lit class boy. Rob was the closet, but I want an actual boy my age. I don't think I can handle all their crap though. Alone is just better right now. As for A, what makes you uncomfortable around him? Are you really worried about looking foolish and young or does HE make you uncomfortable? Because if HE makes you uncomfortable you shouldn't discount that just because he looks so good on paper.

from bubaloo :

I think that maybe you should change ray/fai's name to "lai"? Then he could be a good one, a bad one, or one that doesn't really matter anyway.

from lissacakes :

Have you been back to Literature class?

from lissacakes :

I don't know if I wrote about going with her, but this is the "best friend" as opposed to the other friend from California. The other friend visited me last May, and that's about all I've ever said about her. The best friend visited me around Christmas, and she's the one that loses interesting things in body cavities. It is the Best Friend. I keep wishing I could go with Rob. I keep wishing I could go alone. Well, I know I could. But it was her idea and I said yes. At least the hotel will be cheaper.

from lissacakes :

My place is in the "historic district" and is a hop, skip, and a jump from the "arts district" which doesn't have much in the way of housing. It has hardwood floors and high ceilings and lots of windows that open outward without screens. And awnings! Striped awnings! And a red door. I love it! Location has so much to do with not going crazy.

from lissacakes :

Well, maybe Bub will start to feel better and leave us more notes, too. Let's hope. I was talking about handwriting in my letter. I don't know what mine says about me. It changes size and slants a different direction in every other sentence. I must be an indecisive personality or something. Unrelated - I keep thinking of moving. Like you always saw yourself in Seattle, I always saw myself in San Francisco. Then, I kind of drove through Sacramento and fell in love with it. The East Coast beckons a little, but I've think I've met too many people from back East who drive me crazy. My company has a big office in Atlanta. What's Atlanta like? There's always Chicago, which I like in theory, though I have never ever visited. I think I might really like Portland, again in theory. If I end up back in Southern California, I'm staying away from San Diego (sorry, Bub), but if I could actually live in LA city limits that'd be okay.

from bubaloo :

I love reading Lissa's and your comments to each other. You two are becoming such great friends. It's been wonderful watching it develop. I read your entries and then I dive into your notes, jumping back and forth between each other's pages. I feel like I get an intimate look into how a close friendship develops. It warms my heart. Really, it does. You two have a special place in my heart. Or, at least, my internet heart. I don't know. Is there a difference? Personally, I can't tell. I wanted to say thanks for sharing your unique relationship as well as your individual entries. Oh, and do they even have waves in Florida? I think that you would make a terrific California person, Pixalie.

from lissacakes :

Okay, I missed an obvious question. You surf? Hmmm, maybe you are a bit too cool to associate with the likes of me.

from lissacakes :

I wrote you a quite long letter this weekend, in response to your very nice thank-you card. It started as a card, and then one page, and then a second page, of notebook paper were added. This is what happens when I am deprived of internet access.

from lissacakes :

I don't think there is one kind of California town. There's some kind of funky beach town for everyone: the perfectly tanned and toned, the granola hippie-types, the die-hard surfers, the artists, whatever. Though I suggest staying away from the snooty snot places. I have no idea what the beaches in Florida are like, so I couldn't suggest a good place in California for you to visit. Ugh, I just think of Miami, and I'm sure the entire Florida coastline can't be so in need of being swallowed whole.

from lissacakes :

What color has your hair been? I'm always like strangely over-interested in people's hair color stories.

from lissacakes :

I want a hair cut now. And bangs, too! Oh, bangs, that is a huge committment. Am I ready? Long bangs. I have never had long bangs successfully cut. They always f them up. I don't want to dye my hair fully or highlight it, but I think I want to dye the ends a lighter blond, or red. I wonder how that would look??? I've been feeling the same way about how I dress. Lots of khakis and boring stuff, so I'm trying to mix it up. It just gets so exhausting - both trying to be yourself and trying not to be yourself - they both are such hard work.

from bubaloo :

Pixaliciousadoodlyadalay!!!!!!!!!! Happy belated birthday. Isn't just like the drug addict crazy friend to show up late at the party, mumbling apologies about his forgetfulness as he is hugging and slobbering all over you. Well, that's me. Happy b-day sweetie! I'm glad that you liked therapy. I'm glad that I don't need anything like that. Just kidding. About me. Not you. lol

from lissacakes :

I've been thinking about kids a lot lately. Like, I've decided I want them. I want them like before my late twenties, or not at all. I keep thinking I want to be a young, pretty mom with a young, pretty dad. And everything is sun-drenched and wonderful. So, maybe I won't have kids. 24, 25, 26... 35 years old, here I come!

from lissacakes :

I always wanted to get in the car and just run away. Live wherever. Work wherever. Stay wherever. But youthful mistakes, you know. Too much debt ties you down. Now, I keep thinking I need to pay everything off so that I can do that, but I'll be old, and there is nothing sexy and cool about a thirty year old living in her car and working at a flower shop to eat. These are things I picture on a young, more-beautiful-than-life me.

from lissacakes :

Aw, I wanted to be first!!! I am pouting. Happy Birthday!!! 23!!! We are the same age for about three months, then I am 24. Ack!

from lulublu :

HAPPY EVER-LOVING BIRTHDAY!!! Here's hoping it doesn't suck as you feared. I hope you get your present soon, and if I was there, I would go see Woody cinema with you.....sure, he's creepy, but damn funny. And as someone else who is turning 24 and dreams of being a mommy, I look at my life and feel the same way....maybe that's just how it's supposed to be. But then again, what the fuck do I know? NOT MUCH. lol.....love for you bday queen!

from lissacakes :

I'm glad you liked your present. I was torn between those and a crystal heart necklace, but I went for the earrings, because I don't have pierced ears and never get to wear earrings.

from lissacakes :

Thanks, mom. :)

from lulublu :

So I lied.....you can't re-gift. I wrote on your gifts, so therfore, you are doomed to keep them. FOREVER! AHAHAHAHAHAH. All part of my plan.....anyhoo, hopefully they reach you before Easter, lol.

from lulublu :

It's so true! I swear, If he shows up tomorrow.....So I joined the present-buying bandwagon, and will be sending it shortly. If you don't like it, no worries. I'll NEVER have to know! LOL, just regift.

from lissacakes :

I bought someone's birthday present last night! Now, I just have to get my butt to the post office. I always want to have that kind of relationship - where I like them, but not enough for anything to hurt. I chalk up the waning of emotion for both of you to circumstances. In the beginning, you were in a very romantic setting - away from home, at wedding, etc. But then, with all that passion built up, you did not get to be with one another for long spurts at a time and it faded away some. It just happens.

from lulublu :

hello darling face! I just got caught up on your diary. He's a idiot. And frankly, you're an idiot too for thinking that you might even slightly be unloveable, b/c let's face it: That rifuckindiculous. Oh and another reason you should move to Seattle: Because you WANT to. That is reason enough. Love for you! :)

from lissacakes :

Well, I'd like to think that it is just oodles and oodles of self-respect and self-love, but I think pure fear has a lot to do with it these days. I have no idea the bounds of my emotional outbursts and I can't control them and I'm scared to just shut down because my family and friends are so far away. It's just me. I have to be able to go to work and do the laundry and pay my bills. And, about a year and a half ago, it was simply fear of rejection. I probably would have racked up a few back then, if I wasn't scared to death that the people I wanted would basically tell me I was nasty and they wouldn't even have casual sex with me. But, hey, if it looks like self respect (or if it comes to light that I actually do have a lot of self respect), that's great!

from lissacakes :

Well, I will have to post more pictures of bikinis that I like, since it is such a crowd pleaser. Anyway, I try to stop figuring men out. I try to stop going through the what did I do wrong thing. Because you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. Especially in matters involving sex. If you are coy and demure, you are a prude - and not having much fun yourself. If you really into it, then you must have slept around or be easy or be some weird girl that likes sex too much. Can such a thing be? Liking sex too much. Well, apparently if you have my boyfriend/ ex-boyfriend/ boyfriend - my luck, anyway. Instead, I chalk it up to the one truth in life: men are just assholes. They are raised to think it is okay to behave that way. Why not? They run the world. I'm an asshole, too, but never in the same blanket way that men are. My assholishness is targeted at acts and is tailored to the person at whom it is directed. For men, it's just a state of being. And there are sweet men, but when it comes down to it, they still are so selfish. Good luck to us. I know we'll find ones that are still assholes, but who we can put up with. When and where is another question. You need to get the hell out of Florida and I might need to try anywhere but here. I agree with Bub. I prefer when they put it out there in the open, not when you think this one is going to be different and they're the same thing repeated all over again just with different shoes, because we're optimists and we'll always hope that this one is going to be different.

from bubaloo :

I think it's way meaner to pretend that I'm a nice guy falling in love with someone, end up fucking them, and then doing a 180. That's emotional irresponsability. I just hate that shit. Oh, and yeah, I'm feeling a bit better, and, no, I haven't heard any of my future ex-wifes new stuff, although I've heard it's awesome.

from bubaloo :

I LOVE that lissa puts pictures of girls in bikinis on her diary. Ray's a fucken dickhead. Even though Amelie's gone, it IS a lot easier to read now. My head was hurting trying to read that small print. Hope you are doing OK honey. Big hugs to ya!

from lissacakes :

Orgasmic. I almost said, "Oh my God, the sonnet slingbacks in mint. Excuse me a second, I'm having. an. orgasm," but I wasn't sure it would be appropriate note-leaving ettiquette. But there, I have said it. It was a very exciting experience. Too bad they cost $328, so I don't think the mint slingbacks and I will be consummating the relationship.

from lissacakes :

I posted a bikini picture. What do you think of it? Where is your profile picture from. It's familiar enough that I know I should know it, but I'm a dunce that way, cuz I don't.

from lissacakes :

Ah, the field guide dress. I could fall in love in that dress. Otherwise, I immune to falling in love.

from lissacakes :

I am all about the caribbean skirt. Like, I think it would fulfill my life. Career, Love, Family - pah! Caribbean Skirt! Were you talking about the Isca Organdy Dress. It is very cute, but I don't think it would be flattering on me. And, oh my god, the sonnet slingbacks in mint. I think I just shed a tear.

from lissacakes :

I love how lame Lulublu is. Anyway, yes, there is an Anthropologie kind of on the border of Phoenix and Scottsdale. It's about 15-20 minutes from my work and 45 minutes from my house. Phoenix is so enormous, so that distance is highly doable. Anthropolgie always has furniture with paint peeling off for like $1000 for a tiny little dresser and another $500 shipping. But if I had $1500, it'd be MINE!

from lulublu :

WOOO! proud of you! way to "apply" yourself! Yes, I really am that lame......hahaha

from bubaloo :

OK, I'm staying out of the dish conversation. One of you girls can just fill one of them up with food and bring it over to me. I don't care which color or pattern. I'm easy. Hey Pix, I just wanted to tell you that your writing of the last week has just been awesome. Great, great entries.

from lissacakes :

It's kind of the same idea as the stoneware dishes that I like - the mix and match colors. They just aren't shiny. It's so hard to decide. I would probably get all big plates one color, all small plates another, bowls another, and mugs a fourth; rather than completely mixed up - I JUST COULDN'T HANDLE ALL THE CONFUSION! But what colors? Which color for which dish. Maybe I wouldn't get mugs at all. Mugs are fun when none of them match and their all from souvenir shops and whatnot. I saw like five different color schemes. !!! I don't remember the all the colors names, but: yellow/red/orange or seamist/rose/periwinkle or cobalt/periwinkle/white or turquoise/cobalt/white. My head hurts. Just dishes, just dishes. I wonder if Bub is going to tell us what color dishes he likes, or stay out of this one.

from lulublu :

turquoise, shamrock, and persimmon, with a dash of scarlet for drama....when is the birthday? I like lissa) need info! [email protected]

from lissacakes :

If an imaginary person wanted to send you an imaginary birthday present, where could they pretend to send it? And what colors and sizes do you imaginarily like and wear? Their imaginary email address might be [email protected].

from lissacakes :

Uh, yuck. How are you going to ask him about her? Yuck.

from lissacakes :

I have crap dishes. But too many of them to throw 'em out and start over. I like stoneware. Those big, bulky, solid-colored heavy ones in sage green, mauve, french blue, charcoal grey, etc. I REALLY love blue glass goblets. Oh, now I want new dishes, too. What is fiesta ware?

from lissacakes :

We are soooo alike! I want the wrought iron, pastely bed now, while I live in my cute, little duplex, with my colorful, old, mismatched, chipped, wobbly furniture. Later, when I live in my big, old, airy, dusty house, I want nothing but deep, dark mahogony and sheer lace curtains and white down and white fabrics - at least in my bedroom. I change my mind everyday, I go back and forth on this one.

from lissacakes :

I have a yellow paper lantern that will hang up next to my blue bookcase and pink end table. Ikea is wonderful. Do you have Ikeas? Yard sales and Target and paint and "antique"/ junk stores are great, too. Yes, those are chaise lounges. I want one, too. I have a really wonderful big huge arm chair with an ottomon. That's my favorite. The next thing I want to get is a wrought iron bed frame in either french blue or sage green though. And I just bought the softest ever sheets - in purple!

from bubaloo :

awww, Pixie! I'm so happy for you. It is so good to feel like that. I hope everything works out just the way you have wanted. Sounds like it is, and that makes me smile.

from lulublu :

Jon Cryer? Well, shit! He's got my vote. LOL! love to you!

from lissacakes :

Oh, you're with him right now! Aren't you? Aren't you? Yay!

from lulublu :

OH SUUUUUURE.....all of the sudden it's ORRRRLAAAAANDO! MMMmmhhmm. We see how it is! LOL! Alright, fine. But you're taking us to Disney World. And I get EARS. hahahah

from lissacakes :

How far away does he live? Some guys will date a nasty girl that lives close and pass up the perfect girl if she's out of the area code. I'm hoping he's not one of those, but I'm throwing ideas out there.

from lissacakes :

I can't read minds, but it seems like whether they like you or not has way too little influence on when or if they call. Was that supposed to be encouraging? I think what I was thinking is that if he doesn't call I'd be more apt to think he's a big, fat chicken than he didn't like you - because why go so out his way to make you think he did?

from lulublu :

Hang in there love!

from lulublu :

Ooh la la! A beeeaaautiful man and an even more beeeeeaaaautiful laaaady. Cannot wait to see what's in store......p.s. say anything? garden state? we truly are soul mates. LOL

from lissacakes :

It's fabulous - having your own place. And, then when you let people leave their crap there, it's always your perogative to toss all their shit out the door as the mood strikes you.

from lissacakes :

Thanks for your note. I am just feeling very un-unique. See... you never know when you're going to meet someone!!!

from lissacakes :

you've been gone way too long... soooo not acceptable. SO, we want to hear about the wedding, the perfect dress, the mother, the hottie, and so much more...

from lulublu :

You and me, Phoenix ho! That poor town would never know what hit them....hahah! Good for you turning Asshole down! I am proud! And I 2nd taking D out of your cell. I FINALLY took Veggie out of mine. Yes I am guilty of the DandDing too....sigh. Okay, so being the Star Student I am, I completely bombed my Cognitive and my Theories exam. I should really attend class...perhaps? Grad School here I come!

from lissacakes :

Bub thinks he gets to be your roommate when all of us end up in Phoenix. I quickly put an end to that. I think he's sleeping on our couch.

from lissacakes :

I left you a note on my page last night. I was a real masterpiece: "Oooo, Toronto..."

from lissacakes :

Yeah, men who go to stylists... turn off for me. El Toro goes to a salon, but he's known the guy for five years, and the guy isn't all frou-frou. And, he calls him Rick-the-guy-who-cuts-my-hair, not his stylist, so I forgive him for that.

from bubaloo :

that's it, let's go to bed! great idea! haha Thanks for the sweet comment earlier. Of course, I had to respond with a stupid one. I'm a dork.

from lissacakes :

You can! You can! You can! I've never heard any inkling that you were ever considering Phoenix, so I have kept my fantasies to myself.

from lissacakes :

Oh, and I didn't sleep with FB because I'm a big, fat chicken - oh, and he made no indication that he wanted to sleep with me. But besides that - a lot of personality characteristics in common.

from lissacakes :

I think that Iowa and FB have a lot in common, except FB isn't very hot.

from lissacakes :

When we very first started going out, El Toro bought me a stuffed piggy with an oversized head and huge, blue eyes. He calls me his little piggy, so he said when he saw her, he had to get her for me. I named her Hamlette G. Pigg. I think the G is for Guinevere; I don't really remember. Anyway, Hammy is our child. She sleeps with us. She insists on hugs from her Daddy. She comes to make her Mommy feel better. Best of all, I can't accidentally not feed her. It's so strange, because on the very day that El Toro gave me Hammy, I found an old card of two baby piglets nuzzling necks in black and white and I wrote him a little love note in it and gave it to him without knowing about Hammy! Oh, and my youngest little brother gave me a stuffed snowman with a plaid joker hat and plaid scarf for Christmas. (He'd won it out of a machine. I love it! The white parts are nubbly but still sparkly and irridescent.) His name is Jack, or Jackie [short for lumberjack (the plaid) or Jack-in-the-Box (the hat)]. Jackie sleeps with us, too. And he likes to surprise his Daddy in the morning by jumping up like a jack-in-the-box. So, I have a boyfriend, and he's got kitties, and I used to have a puppy at home, yet I still have nothing better to talk about but stuffed animals. Oh, I ordered the necklace!

from lissacakes :

I had so many things to say yesterday that I forgot to comment on Iowa. I would go. My hair would be perfect. My makeup would be perfect. I would smell fabulous. My clothes would be in a color that looks good on me and something that looks great but is really comfortable so that I won't be tugging on it. How about you text him back, instead of calling. And, could you be slightly unavailable. Like tell him, "Well, okay. But I can only go on Tuesday between 1 and 3." Also, I think an H encounter would be good. Let him see what he's missing, too!

from lulublu :

I say do it. Just stand your ground! that way, you can look hot, get a little satisfaction, AND free lunch! hahaha

from lissacakes :

www.overstock.com is a pretty good place to look for discounted jewelry, as long as you have a safe place to have it shipped

from lissacakes :

I posted a picture of the necklace.

from bubaloo :

Rarrrrr! amelie amelie amelie amelie amelie amelie amelie amelie amelie amelie. That is SOOOOOOOO HOTTTTTTTTT! WITH 17 T's! Pixalie, I adore you! haha Lissa knew I was going to be excited. You are truly awesome, my fellow GOLD member. Gold. A great album.

from lissacakes :

I want a new template now. The problem always is that I have days where I did 2-3 entries to a page and I have to either find a template that is in blog form or edit it to be blog form, and I'm not good with html (and don't want to be) so my titles and arrows and what not always look stupid!

from lissacakes :

Has Bub seen this template yet?

from lissacakes :

About Dr. Hottie, I was thinking if anything he would think that your bedroom was so adorable that he'd fall madly in love with you.

from lissacakes :

Yes, I always resize my pictures. Most of the time, when I upload them to the computer through the scanner they are way bigger than the original and look like crap. I hate editing pictures, so you'll notice a lot of mine are fuzzy and come in assorted shapes and sizes. I have no interest in glamming them up. But, I do resize, crop, and autocorrect them. Lately, I've been using Fireworks MX and Flash - website tools that Robbie has at home. At my old job, I would use Microsoft Picture Editor. See if that's already on your machine, and right click on your picture file and ask it to open with Microsoft Picture Editior. It has everything you need and is pretty easy to use. Are you trying to upload jpegs or bitmaps? I think bitmaps are really big, so maybe that's why it's taking so long. I think once you get one open on the computer, you can do a save as and change a bitmap to a jpeg. And on some programs, I think you can go to File then Export a bitmap to a jpeg. Well, maybe one/tenth of that was helpful at all!

from lissacakes :

Phoenix is the epitome of suburban sprawl. The city grows out and out, but downtown disintegrates. Land area wise, it is one of if not the largest city in the country. So, close enough by there are plenty of shopping choices. It could never compare to LA (all I can really compare it to from my experiences). It is too new. There are entirely too many strip malls. Downtown is slowly getting better though, because enough transplants from big cities are moving here and they want an acutal downtown. Loft apartments are sprouting up like weeds. Even better, abandoned buildings are being renovated and turned into shops and living spaces and galleries. I know gentrification is supposed to be a dirty word, but if it preserves old buildings, I'm for it. Anyway, back to the subject at hand - shopping. We have a couple so-so "malls" but the outdoor areas are what's big. I hate to say it, but most of the unique stores are in Scottsdale, and the run-of-the-mill are on the outskirts of town. There is one cute shop downtown that is open till 10 next to a coffeehouse. It's called Passage and they carry locally-designed stuff. It's cool, because they have maybe 5 of something, and then it's gone. I've gotten El Toro a couple t-shirts there as gifts, and he got me a skirt made of antique scarves. I have yet to wear it. It's sheer and open on the sides pouffy and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. Over jeans didn't work quite right, and it was too pouffy to be a tube top over a tank. I think it's going to go over my bathing suit in the summer.

from lissacakes :

You did mention that Anthropologie - and said that you didn't go inside. I slapped my palm to my forehead and said, "????!!!!!!" The one at the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica was pretty big too, if I remember acurately. The one in Scottsdale is eh, so-so, but I'll take what I can get. Nothing beats trying on stuff in person. I never would have bought either of the things I did from the catalog. And things I thought I wanted from the catalog and tried on at the store I really didn't like. What is the part of Florida like where you are? Is it pretty big - like real stores big, midsize - like maybe has one good mall with decent department stores, or is it backwoods general store like?

from lissacakes :

Mine took about an hour, but everything seems to be slower nowadays. Yeah, I don't read all that crap either.

from lulublu :

Good Riddance I say! Also, there are times I wonder if we share the same brain....LOL

from lissacakes :

He's so a waste of time. Has he always been like this? I have trouble imagining you being friends with him. Oh! I went shopping last night. I bought the Holloway Pullover at Anthropologie. I'll post a link. And also some brown, ribbed pants with a tab closure that have a ribbon that wraps around your waist and ties on the side. But they aren't on the website, so I can't show you. I also bought El Toro ridiculously overpriced jeans and it felt really good to buy him something that I knew he would never buy for himself. And, I got him some cool brown bootleg pants, a red t-shirt with a swirly and off-center teal design on it, and a couple mini bottles of cologne from Banana Republic. Fun, fun, fun.

from bubaloo :

Hey Pix! Man, that guy sounds like some egocentric son of a bitch! Hey, wait....he kind of sounds like me. Except, I would never call it a "wang". That's lame. He needs to get a better vocabulary.

from lissacakes :

Okay, #1, you are brilliant and beautiful and scholarly!!!!!!! #2, it is getting harder every day because it is time to do something about it. #3, even if you do something about it I really believe that your experiences never leave you - you won't be boring by being better. It's just a matter of whether or not you let them kick your ass, or you wrestle them to the ground and stomp on them, then smooth your hair down and walk into any room and be the witty, confident, strong woman we all know you are!!!!!

from lissacakes :

Hey, I know exactly what you mean about actually, physically hurting. My stomach will tense up and then like convulse. My head gets really hot, my hands and feet get really cold. Sharp pains go through my chest and down my spine. If I'm lying in bed, there's always the involuntary thrashing of my body from side to side, as I throw the covers over my head and groan loudly. Oh, what pain, remorse, and shame can do!

from lulublu :

LOL! Can I just say that for like a period of two years, My roomate and I lived on Cigs, diet coke, and of course, Cheeze-its....it's a wonder we're still alive! Hugs for you!

from lissacakes :

I've been really lazy about updating, but I'm still reading. Hang in there! I wish I lived near you because I would take you to lunch and take you shopping and we would go see J and it'd be a grand day!

from lissacakes :

Yes, I really like bandeau tops and those kind of bottoms. I saw this stapless one piece that was really cute the other day, too. But I do like to get my tummy tanned. I think I'm going to J. Crew again today. I wonder if those dresses will be in the stores. The stores are always so disappointing compared to the catalog. The only good store I've been to was the one in Pasadena, California and I don't think I'll be making it there for awhile! Flashy jewelry? No, no, no. What you described sounds really good.

from lissacakes :

I LOVE that dress! I was just thinking about it before I read your note, because I am wearing a strapless bra today. I want the strapless one in green. You can wear it with dressy sandals or flip flops or open toe, strappy heels. That'd be the perfect thing to wear to a summer wedding. OH! With a big, floppy hat!!! I like some of the hipster bikini bottoms that are low on the hips and cover the hips but let some butt cheek show. I don't like the ones that cover your whole butt. Except... I once saw this girl at the beach with a very thin, very stretchy peach floral print one-piece that covered her whole bottom and was a halter on top, but it fit her really well and it was so adorable. She looked like she hopped out of an Esther Williams movie. I'm actually excited to work for the old company, because I'm going to use the money for summer clothes shopping! I also need to get a couple things for work. I want to wear that navy blouse with gray slacks and red, platform mary janes. Ah... off to work I go after a noon breakfast. I will have to go look at bathing suits now. Target has some cute ones usually and really cheap, which is even better.

from lulublu :

Hi pretty lady! Sorry it's been awhile, I have just not been on top of things lately. Just wanted to let you know, you are loved! Yay for you!

from lissacakes :

I went speed shopping last night, as in fast, not as in under the influence of... I went to J. Crew in search a blouse in the brand new catalog, but it's not available yet. It's so cute. It's a 3/4 sleeve navy blouse with white poka dots. I left with jeans and brown platform flip flops that I put on my trusty, green J. Crew card. I need MORE shopping. I still need my blouse and I NEED red shoes. We should go long distance shopping together! Do you have the new J. Crew catalog from like three days ago?

from lissacakes :

from bubaloo :

Hey pix, just dropped by to say hi! Whatcha doin? If I was there I would bring ya a big ol' bowl of Chicken Tortilla Soup that they make at this cool little diner in Hillcrest. It's the most delicious thing ever. I would also bring some coke (not that kind, soda silly!) and Baccardi rum. Notice that in the bag over there is the "Amelie" DVD and a backgammon board and a deck of cards. I would then proceed to be so funny and witty that you would smile, in spite of yourself. You know why? Cuz you are my friend. hugs. I just want you to feel better and know that someone out there in the world cares. bye!

from bubaloo :

Well, not that I know anything about depression cuz I'm such a up guy, but yes, you generally realize it after a bit. What sucks honey is that realization won't make it go away. I find when I am like that the best thing for me to do (since I won't go to a doctor for medication, ironic huh?) is no matter how hard it is, try your best to accomplish the basics. Brush your teeth, comb your hair, take a shower. Go to where you are supposed to go, even if it is tearing you up. In other words, don't let it win. Oh, and talk about it. With someone you trust. Even if you feel you are making them crazy. Too fuckin' bad! The more you talk about it the more it's power is taken away. Write too. Even if it's a couple of sentences. It will get better. Something will drop in from out of the blue and snap you right out of it. Thank God. I couldn't imagine being like that all the time. I so feel for ya honey! Hang in there, I love ya! bub

from lissacakes :

I wish I could remember how I got through it, but I don't. I don't remember at all. It's all a total blur. I once had a class I went to twice. Ugh. Talk about anxiety attacks over that one. Still didn't get my ass out of bed at 8:40 in the morning. I have no idea how to do it, but I know you will. Just think that with all the procrastinating, you'll still do better than loads of people who study all the time - because those people are DUMBASSES and you're really intelligent. Obviously. Hmmm.

from lissacakes :

May I suggest a kitten or a puppy, too? My puppy really helped. Thank God I do not have a baby! However, puppies become more work down the road. El Toro's kitties are wonderful for carrying around and rocking and cooing at.

from lissacakes :

You and me in Toronto. I LOVE Toronto!!!! I have some family in the suburbs. The company I work for has offices in Tornonto. The thought is in the back of my mind for down the road. El Toro's mama is a couple hours from there, so he would have to move with me, now wouldn't he?

from lissacakes :

Wow, I wish I could say the change was that drastic. Mostly, just fuller. I was up to a C before I quit taking it about a year ago. Then I quit taking it and lost about 30 pounds and was a B, borderline C. But I HATED the shape. So, a fuller B is fine by me... although it's only been two and a half weeks. Who knows...

from lissacakes :

I think it's the only medication for this particular problem. Plus, he has to take it a certain amount of time to see if it works. Because the doctor isn't sure what's even really wrong with him and gave him the medication because if it changes things it also identifies the problem. So far, however, it hasn't helped one bit.

from lulublu :

YAY it worked! My password makes me laugh....which was good cause I am having a shit day.

from lissacakes :

I am sooo scared of being disappointed on Valentine's Day! I am being so materialistic. I want jewelry - not like some huge diamond studded tennis bracelet, but something pretty and dainty. And, I want to dress up and I want to have dinner in a nice, candlelit restaurant and not talk about freakin' computers. Why am I being so materialistic? I know he'll get me something that I may have said I wanted or needed, but it won't be something romantic and girly. I never feel girly. I'm never the pretty girl who gets a bracelet or roses. I'm always the smart girl who gets a book. A couple weekends ago, I said I really wanted to get my hair cut because I hate it and it makes me feel ugly, but I'm not sure what to do. He wanted me to leave my hair in his friend/hairdresser's hands, but I was broke. He said I could get a haircut for a an early Valentine's Day present. I said I was going to pay for my own haircut and just not get one yet and that besides I didn't want a haircut for Valentine's Day! He pouted and said he would've gotten me more than that. I felt like a spoiled, little brat.

from bubaloo :

Ummmm, could you please never, ever describe yourself in such a manner ever again? I try really hard to think of you as a younger sister and it's really not fair. OK, fuck it, that was hot! Yeah, he's goofy. Which might be a good thing.

from lissacakes :

Yes, I am in. I want to go to a wedding and wear a pretty dress. No wait, I don't - I'll start crying and feeling sorry for myself. Anyways... you had better post pictures from Seattle for those of us (ME!!!!) who have never seen it. Or else you are in big trouble. I was going to say something else, but I forgot.

from bubaloo :

YAY! pixie these are for you. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO. I think that means hugs and kisses! If I WAS a medium sized dog, I would knock you down and lick your face repeatedly. I did read your posts but I was so happy to be reading them that I couldn't temper my enthusiasm. Sounds like you are going through it right now. Hang in there. You never know what's right around the corner.

from bubaloo :

well, I can see your profile. I can't get in your godamned diary though. My password doesn't work. I think that me and Lissa are going to go get drunk and cry.

from lissacakes :

I can get to your profile again. Yay. I'm dying over here. I think I still can't get into your diary. Uf.

from lissacakes :

You can most definitely be our maid of honor. I didn't run it by Lulu but I just know that she'll be happy about it. Do you have suggestions for your dress?

from bubaloo :

First off, I want to kiss Lissa's belly and rub her feet. Second off, Pixelie. Things just happen. You can't force them or even really plan for them. You could meet the man of your dreams tomorrow or a year down the road. In florida or in seattle. All you can do is keep doing what you're doing and remember that everything is subject to change at a moment's notice. As you know, I get all weepy like that too. For me it's just a reflection on my past traumas coming up. Chin up, darlin, you will be just fine.

from lissacakes :

Definitely Elvis - funny nickname for unborn baby. Well, I guess that's subject to change with the imaginary father of the baby, but for now, Elvis.

from lissacakes :

I want to have my belly kissed and my feet rubbed.

from lulublu :

hi lovely! Answers to your ???'s from waaay back: Single most important influence? My kids. If my sister and brother had not been born, I would be dead or a piece of shit. They forced me to dig deep. A specific goal as a kid? I was going to be a singer/songwriter/musician extraordinare...lol. Hell, that's still what i wish I could be, but sadly tis not so. Insecurity and duty made me leave that behind. Except for in the shower of course...haha. Is there that perfect person? YES. Will everyone find theirs? I highly doubt it. People are too selfish and petty. And the idea of perfection seriously needs revamping...here's hoping....

from bubaloo :

God, I must be getting old. I find no humor in pissing on someone's car anymore. At least not randomly. I get mad when the guys at work lean on people's cars they don't know.

from lissacakes :

Hmmm. Interesting neighbors. I would have gotten into a hairpulling, scratching fight by now. And, I'm sure I would have lost said fight and gone to jail.

from lissacakes :

Me too! From phone calls. The girl in the cube next to me. She's on the phone with her husband all day long, making excuses for the fact that she got home five minutes late, for how much money is in their bank account, apologizing for using HER credit card, then telling him she'll put HIS exhaust on HER credit card. Ugh, and he's a mechanic. My ex was a mechanic. And she talked about him leaving beer bottles in her car. Ugh, sounds like my classy ex. It's not even that she doesn't talk back, because she does, and so did I. It's just that they never hear anything. They are just too fucking stupid to hear anything. That frustration. It's welling up in me. I don't want to scream at him. I don't want to kill him. I want to torture him and cause him pain and make all his friends realize what an asshole loser idiot he is, so he has no one. It still wouldn't regain four years of my life, but it'd be a down payment. His ex had the right idea - she cheated on him with 11, that's right ELEVEN, of his friends, then married one of them. The guy now raises my ex's son. I should have followed her lead because she really fucked him up. Now that's revenge. Oh, look at that - I made an entry in your notes again.

from bubaloo :

I loved the title of your entry. I can relate. Not the hat one either! lol The one for your niece. Glad that you had a nice afternoon with your niece.

from melissima :

3's just don't look good to me. 6's, 8's I like. Just not flabby. I'm basically an 8, and I'm okay with that, just wish I was't so damn flabby. Anyway... I showed precious what you said and he was blushing. It was so cute.

from bubaloo :

Hey Pixelie! The sad truth is that it won't make a difference. Even if you held her down and read it over and over to her for 7 days. The only difference you can make is in yourself. Sucks huh? It sounds like you are on the right path though. One day you will either accept your parents in all their gross imperfections for the way they are or you will realize what a beautiful person you've become in spite of the obvious handicapping you've received and you won't need their approval. Either way, I think ya rock! No one really likes size 3's anyway. Boys need some cushion for their pushin'! lol

from bubaloo :

I do see you as amelie! Lissa is right! I almost fell out of my chair when you said 55 is not too old. Hey, I'm almost 40. I'm too old for you. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I need a younger girl. LOL. Don't listen to me. What do I know? Oh, he makes you breakfast in the morning? He gets big points just for that.

from lissacakes :

Ugh, mothers. Mine went from about 200 pounds to 140, and she is constantly wanting to try on my clothes and asking what I weigh and what size I wear. Once I was lying on the living room floor on my stomach. She came up behind me and turned back the back of my jeans to see the size on the tag. They were an 11, and she went on and on about how she wears a smaller size than her daughter - she wears a 4. First of all, those jeans were obviously too big for me, they were falling off my hips. Secondly, they were a brand that runs small. Third, I washed them in hot water and dried them in hot to shrink them as much as I could because, fourth, I'd lost about twenty pounds myself around that time. Fifth, I have big thighs compared to my waist, which makes me have to get bigger sizes. And, finally, the styles a 23 year old (22 at the time) wears fit way differently than the styles a 44 year old wears. Like I'm supposed to believe that a 5 foot 5 inch, 140 pound woman can wear a 4. Not that that's fat, but it's not a real 4. It's a 4 in brands that want to make you feel skinny so you buy more. Oh, and yeah, she tried on my favorite skirt and pranced around to show my dad and step dad (both of her ex-husbands) that were visiting my house too that it fit her. BUT, she has a little pot belly and no butt. No butt. I have a "healthy" butt. I wonder which one guys would prefer, since that seems to be everything with her - guys. It's gross.

from lissacakes :

Oh, Pixie. I CANNOT believe your mom said that about you!!!! We love you and know you're beautiful without ever having even seen ya! Bub sees you as Amelie. Oh, I saw this adorable little pixielike girl at the coffee shop yesterday, and she was wearing a lime green hoodie sweatshirt and had one of those messenger bags and awesome jeans and I thought of you! This has nothing to do with nothing, I was planning on telling you about her today.

from bubaloo :

Those are some excellent non-resolutions. Oh, and therapy is a good thing. From what I hear. LOL

from bubaloo :

LOL, lissa was just waiting for my invitation so she could go "HAH! NOT IF YOU WERE THE LAST DRUG ADDLED DERELICT ON EARTH!" I think that I get the same feeling this time of year. New Year's is a cleansing time. Let's dump the bad!

from lissacakes :

There it is. I've been waiting and waiting for Bub's sex invitation. You got it and not me, and I'm jealous. Oh, well. :)! Anyway, reading your last entry, I was thinking that even if your life has temporarily calmed down, your past experiences are always with you (even if they aren't hurting anymore). So, if all the trauma and heartache made you feel interesting, they will continue to make you interesting! I don't think you are becoming "normal" and boring, just more functional.

from bubaloo :

I noticed the subway was gone (observant huh?). It made me a little sad, for whatever reason. I'm not sure.

from bubaloo :

Sex with buster, yay! NO seattle boy? booooo! You know what? His loss. If you came to San Diego, I would so hang out with you. If you were nice, I might even let you have sex with me! LMAO What a dumbass! (seattle boy and me)

from bubaloo :

Yay! You're back! I'm glad that you had such a good trip, can't wait to hear the details. Sorry that you are feeling the way that you are now, that's the way I feel all of December. It sucks.

from lissacakes :

I can't wait for Seattle stories!!!!!!

from bubaloo :

Hey pixelie! I'm saying hi to my friends today. Just because. I'm getting excited about you going to Seattle. Not because of Seattle boy. Because I think it will be wonderful to read about. I love the way that you describe details of things that the rest of us might miss.

from lissacakes :

my favorite part is: and now I think I'll get through life as a girl

from lissacakes :

I just looked on Amazon and Star Ledger is out of print, so maybe the library. I think she may have one other book, which I have not read so can't officially recommend.

from lissacakes :

Well, good news. The Da Vinci code will take you about five minutes to read. The thing with the human brain: repetition makes things faster. The "book" just repeats the same three sentences over and over and over for a couple hundred pages. I will be really curious to see what you think about it. I thought the idea (all three sentences of it) was cool, but the writing was repetitive, LCD (lowest common denominator - basic bestseller list drivel) and dull. El Toro had me read it. I had him read a real book. And he said he understood why I made fun of The Davinci Code afterwards. But, for cultural literacy, it was worth it and it didn't even make my head have to work.

from lissacakes :

Ah, my list-making friend, 10 and 11 are great.

from lissacakes :

Closer is so real in how people do evil things just to see what power they can wield over anyone else. But I wonder if in real life Alice would have left on held on for a couple more years. I've just caught up on your entries from over the weekend instead of, you know, working. I've thought of going to counseling a lot. It feels good to talk and you can talk to that person without them throwing it back in your face later, they are the only safe ones. I went to a counselor when I was 11, court-imposed, and they suggested the same thing. I didn't go back for the same reason as you. She would make it regret it later, and often. I knew that my mother has her martyr complex too deeply engrained to believe she could have ever done anything that wasn't absolutely perfect and faultless. She's a woman in her forties who still tries to act like a coy, flirty teenager. She disgusts me sometimes. Oh, so back to therapy - nows the time to go, because you aren't a minor and if you say, "No, my mother is not going to be involved," then that's just how it's gonna be. Oh, and I'm confident that you'll have everything you want.

from lissacakes :

I really relate to Jude Law's character. Especially when he's leaving that one bloke's medical office and the guy tells him that he slept with Alice and [Jude] asks why he did it or why he told him and the guy says something like, "Because I knew it would really fuck you up." And the crestfallen look on [Jude]'s face! That's me! Not the person that's feeling that sad, but the emotion itself. I am the crestfallen look! AND, I absolutely adore what Alice tells [Jude] in the hotel room and the way that the movie ends.

from lulublu :

Movie: The Princess and the Warrior Book: White Teeth: zadie Smith Music: Xray Specs 1. Why did u go to college? 2. What do u have faith in? 3. What is the most important thing you've learned?

from lissacakes :

Oh, I just read your questions for Bub. I want to know about your first kiss. Second, where have you traveled? Third, of all the boys you've been "crazy" over, who haunts you the most?

from lulublu :

Hey laady! Just wanted to send some love and encouragement your way!

from lulublu :

Hey laady! Just wanted to send some love and encouragement your way!

from bubaloo :

One year pix. I am so glad that we found each other. It's been awesome reading you. You shallow? Hardly.

from bubaloo :

Please? could you be a groupie? I've never had a groupie before....

from lissacakes :

Yeah, I was trying to explain something to FB and he just wasn't getting it. Like how you said that D just didn't get how Seattle Boy was a sign even though the sign wasn't to necessarily be with him. FB didn't get why I was insecure about certain things or stubborn about certain things, and said something about me having a lot going for me. I tried to explain that while I see the things in me that he mentioned, I still am insecure. It's not like my fair share of people have not been interested in me, though not necessarily the ones that I wanted to be. Anyway of the ones that have been, it's like, guys tell themselves they want someone intelligent and strong-willed. They go so far as to pursue me, or even date me, then they are hung up on "broken" people. Or, they are intimidated or insulted when we have what I feel to be a spirited and intelligent argument. I don't want to change. I don't think how I am is wrong. Still, I dread that LT relationship fulfillment is hopeless. It's so silly, because I'm as broken as the next person, as any stupid herpes-giving whore that a guy may save an email that I wrote to, but I don't wear it on my sleeve so people will feel sorry for me. If anything, I find any issues I have embarrassing and personal, and not appropriate to bring up constantly, except somewhat anonymously on the interent of course!

from lissacakes :

Ah, I love you and your lists!

from lissacakes :

Yeah, you totally understand. Your note really helped because I don't think that I've said it as succinct and precisely as you just did, and if that's what you gather from the ramblings, then I'm somehow conveying what I mean to though I'm not getting at the point very directly. I keep thinking about seeing him later with someone else who does do that for him and it kills me. It's as simple as that. I say things like, "I don't see how you're not going to end up alone," over and over again like a chant because behind that I mean that I want to believe that no one else is ever going to do that for him. I can't be his friend afterward and see that happen, for a million reasons. I just can't do it. Other topic: I used to read "Daddy" to my little brother when he was like 10. He loved the rhythm. Obviously he giggled at the word bastard, but I think his favorite parts were "fat black heart" and "the villagers never liked you, they are dancing and stamping on you." I probably messed up those parts.

from lissacakes :

Yeah, I was thinking the other day that since your feelings have really cooled off that you'll be able to just hang out with him and not be all nervous. Then if you like him, you don't have to worry about sticking your foot in your mouth or having sweaty palms, and if you don't it hopefully will not be devastating.

from lissacakes :

Will you be okay with yourself afterwards? No preset standards really matter.

from bubaloo :

Happy thanksgiving my 'lil Pixalicious! You are the girl that all of those other girls will envy in a few years. You are independent and think for yourself. Qualities I'm sure thos little hags are lacking. Love the uniqueness of yourself. You rock!

from lulublu :

I've got nothin' but love for and faith in you! You're gonna be fine! Rock it out girl.

from lissacakes :

It's like, sometimes I like going places by myself, but I get so self-conscious because of people like that. I think, oh, well they're the ones that should be self-conscious because they require a group to go to the bathroom. What a bunch of frightened little lemmings. However, that doesn't really make me feel better. I always have to do places alone. I hate it. Alone or with Rob. And sometimes, I've had enough of Rob. I'd love to see Bridget Jones Diary with you, but alas 3000 miles...

from lissacakes :

I'm really not all that busy yet, either. I've been reading about once a day or every other day. I just don't want to make an entry at work, unless I've got nothing else to do. I've got a cube now instead of an office, so less privacy too. Plus, I'm not sure what I feel yet about things currently going on.

from lulublu :

from a fellow "sailor" to another: Happy Fuckin' Thanksgiving!! Love and kisses: Lu

from lulublu :

Yes, FUCK indeed. I abhor higher education right now....

from bubaloo :

Yes, you have loved him. You might be my equal in rationalization and justification, my Pixelie! God, go get laid!

from lulublu :

Howl at the moon my love. Just let it fly

from bubaloo :

smitten smidgen smiken smiven. It never ends, does it? lol

from lissacakes :

Thanks for the well wishes. I'm trying to update. It's just...

from bubaloo :

Well, Pix, at least you tried. You just have to improve your aim.

from bubaloo :

That was such an awesome post, pixelie! I was laughing so hard reading it, I was really hoping that you had posted it. That would have been fucken hilarious. OK, I'm still laughing.

from bubaloo :

Ooooooh, the gator grooooowwwwwwwl! How awesome! Too bad they are having a shitty year, for them anyways. At least their piece of shit coach won't show up to ruin that too!

from bubaloo :

Hmm, while you are at the store get a 40 so that you can drink with me. Oh, funny story. 2 new years ago I went to Vegas obstensibly to hang out with my friends but in reality I was supposed to meet vegas girl. Yes, the one I am going to see next month. I got stood up. Cold. So my new year's consisted of sitting outside of Vegas, watching the fireworks with my friends (all couples of course). At least it was the year where they shot fireworks from every hotel. God, maybe that was 3 years ago. Time goes quick. Oh yeah, my point? It worked out, kinda. At least in my fucked up world. Don't read me. I've been drinking. I guess it's too late for that warning.

from lissacakes :

Monday! Monday's the first day.

from lissacakes :

How goes the paper?

from lissacakes :

I've actually had Agee as a favorite since my very first Diaryland entry. He's been a favorite since high school. I also really love that part in the truck. I really love all the flowery parts about human beings being spiritual beings and capable of this and that and the other and blahblah. Yeah, coin-operated boy has been playing on the radio and I checked out their website and LOVED Girl Anachronism. www.dresdendolls.com. I need to buy the CD's - both of them for $20.

from lulublu :

I appreciate you immensely. You are stellar. Hooray for you...

from lissacakes :

Yes, she needs help but your sister is OVER reacting. Anorexia and Bulimia kill slowly, so there's no need to rush at the risk of doing more damage than good. And, you, no talking about hot arty boys. There is NO way I can sit here and play on the laptop anymore. I have to get out and throw myself on someone. Have to. Got to. Need to.

from bubaloo :

Hey, easy on us skanky dirty old men, we have feelings too! :(

from bubaloo :

Why is it that people can't seem to understand people's right to kill themselves? I think that your sister is right, although it sounds like she is going overboard. There are probably more discreet ways to handle things.

from lissacakes :

Well, that's it, you're just going to have to quit your job, because I miss you too much.

from bubaloo :

What you do pix when no one is looking is flick the little brat's ears with your fingers. Then look the other way and when the brat looks at you, say "What? Oh that's probably God punishing you for your filthy thoughts." That's what I do with my kids.

from lissacakes :

Pajamas, cake, and wine are all good things. Foolhardiness better be a word, because I use it incessantly. Incessantly is also a very nice word.

from bubaloo :

It's the same over here pix. I'm pro Kerry, he's pro Bush. He sucks. LOL. It shows you the polarity of this country when it is even splitting between households.

from bubaloo :

I'm with lissa. Foolhardy, but so what? You are young. GO CRAZY!!!! Don't listen to a word I say, I am king foolhardy.

from lissacakes :

Ah, I missed ya. One whole day. You said that you didn't want to do all of that again more than once. Are you okay with twice? Wilder, knowing it's probably temporary, and then back to searching for The One? I know I'd totally live another chapter, but I'm foolhardy.

from bubaloo :

Hey Pix, this isn't to make you feel better, but you aren't alone. Well, if it makes you feel better good. Grace's mom's mom did the same thing for years. Mom sleeps in the bedroom and had an affair with a dude and Michelle's step dad (who's like her real dad) slept on the couch and worked. Everyone was aware of the situation but no one said word about it. Life seems to get a lot stranger as you get older, as if it's not strange enough now.

from lissacakes :

Oh. My. God. Any movie trailer with Damien Rice and Jude Law. I watched that with my hands clutched together at my chest, jumping up and down. And do you know who that woman was singing after the Damien Rice song? Also, I Heart Huckabees and Alfie. Jude Law is everywhere, and I cannot handle it!

from bubaloo :

Hey, I tell ya what. If YOU don't want to go to that party, we can switch places. YOU can go to MY party and I will go to yours. When they are asking you questions about the band (since you are going as me) just mumble an obscenity at them and then take a swig out of your 5th of Jack Daniels. I call it taking the 5th! lmao Meanwhile, I'll make sure that those little slutty girls don't get anywhere near D.

from bubaloo :

Oh, and ask him how he feels about fire. Important question that must always be asked before you meet anyone. I'm a little buzzed right now. Forgive me. A soccer guy? With a cape? He's def getting some minus points from me. I'm going to be Johnny Damon myself! GO SOX!!! WHOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!!!!

from lissacakes :

Here's what I would say... Yes, I'm still totally going to Seattle (to fuck your brains out). I couldn't miss the opportunity to visit as I've always been interested in living there (or take from you the opportunity to fall madly in love with me). I'll be in touch with you before I get out there, so we can meet up while I'm there (and take photos on rainy piers). I'm sure I'll email you silly questions before then (Will you marry me?). I'm so excited to see the city (and your adorable mug)... That is what I would say (optional).

from lissacakes :

I know your name, ha ha. I thought it was something else, but you tricky one, you have a fake name on your pixalicious email or something. I love your name. It's such a pretty name. Anyway... I have no idea about Seattle Boy. Maybe he's thinking that without law school you have no reason to go to Seattle and no reason to see him. Maybe he's thinking that you're not moving there now, so what's the point. Maybe it is just time. Oh, but little does he know ... you will move there anyway. And, he will fall in love with you... and then copious sex and babies and so on.

from lissacakes :

El Toro always sings this song, "I'm a cow, moo, moo, moo." It's from this cartoon he showed me on the internet of a cow getting even with the farmer - chaining him up, sticking an apple in his mouth, dressing him up in S&M gear, stuff like that. So, El Toro was walking around pretending to spray things with his udders and singing the song. I wish I had video of that.

from lissacakes :

I wasn't at El Toro's last night to write you a well wishing note, but I thought about you as I was falling asleep! CONGRATULATIONS! This is so absolutely perfect!!!

from bubaloo :

pixelie, you are so fun to read. I can almost picture you running around your head from room to room. Have you guys written each other yet?

from lissacakes :

On your archives problem, I think you pasted the html for the entries page in the spot for the html for the older page. Maybe go back to the template site and re-enter your info and then repaste what it tells you is the html for your older page.

from lissacakes :

Ah, I just reread that. Yes, I do need to demand honesty from myself also. Good point.

from lissacakes :

The way you describe feeling about your ex is the exact way that I felt about mine. I get frustrated because if it sounds even a little like that's how I feel about El Toro, I'm so not explaining it right. I don't know how to. I am soooo hurt about everything that it seems to turn into anger towards him as the source. I just want to stop hurting. He is never anything but sweet to me, but I can't believe he really loves me as much as them because I do think that certain physical acts create a deeper love. I'm still incredibly physically attracted to El Toro and I was disgusted by my ex, never ever attracted to him for the last year, maybe more. Being disappointed with myself when I sleep with him is for different reasons... what though? That I keep hoping when I shouldn't do that to myself, I think.

from lissacakes :

Actually, I was really hoping that you would leave a note. I checked my stats right after I wrote and then reread that and I saw ufl.edu on there. Not going to the Halloween party has more to do with my own feelings of inadequacy and discomfort at being at a party with a couple hundred 20-somethings that I don't know (and of whom I assume large clusters know each other already) and only one that I do. And the one that I do is host, so will be too busy to make sure I'm not in a corner hyperventilating. It doesn't have all that much to do with me being smart about things. I'm just too chicken to go is the jist of it. After speaking with Justin till midnight. I talked with El Toro till 1AM. We are not great. We are supposed to talk tonight and I just need real answers. I don't want to talk for it's therapuetic properties. I'm really starting to hate him, and it's misplaced frustrations and again feelings of inadequacy. I don't feel I can live up to ex-girlfriends just because of all the things that we don't share. Really, I just want to be the best. I just want to win. I want to believe that I'm going to be the one that got away.

from bubaloo :

Sure you can hop a plane and do... Oh wait, you mean the OTHER guy you want? Seattle boy? No, you can't do that. ;) bye!

from lissacakes :

Whenever I am at the fucktard's I have hi-speed wireless and access to a laptop, so unless we break up or we are spending the night at my house, I will be updating. Hopefully, I will be able to afford my own laptop. Oh, and a digital camera. Oh, and boots. Oh, and tons of pairs of tights. Oh, and... oh, I suppose I could pay down my credit cards too. :(

from bubaloo :

Oh, I don't know what you would do without me constantly telling you what to do or think. Just remember, if you do the exact opposite of what I say you will do just fine.

from bubaloo :

Hey Pix! did you see my research that I did for you? it was on the entry before the audioblog...

from bubaloo :

That's disgusting Mel. Makes me sick. I can't believe people would go on "sex" vacations. I think I need to do some research on that myself. Patya Beach, you say? I'm on it...

from lissacakes :

That topic sounds fascinating. I would totally read that in a magazine. What is that about anyway? Whenever some 20-something guy says he "likes Asians," there's always something really skeevy and weird about it and it annoys me to no end. Like all Asian women are interchangeable. And it seems like they think they are living, breathing sex toys. Are you going to talk about Thailand? I can't remember what the place is called, like Patya Beach or something, but apparently people actually go there for "sex vacations." I feel ill.

from bubaloo :

God, your dad's letter to you made we want to ball up like a school girl with a skinned knee. Thanks for sharing that.

from bubaloo :

Awww, pix, I'm sorry. Big hugs to ya.

from lissacakes :

When I see cute little kids, I want to cry. I want to squeeze them and hold them and love them, and when I say as much, I get strange looks from my dullard boyfriend. No, fucktard, no I am not saying I want your kids. I'm not sure that fucktard is good enough to be a father. Ignore my passive agression; I think I am PMSing.

from bubaloo :

Ask him questions? Not millions. Maybe a couple in general about seattle and then maybe slip in a personal one just to satisfy your own jones. Trust me. I'm real good at beginning relationships. It's the maintaining and ending that I have a hard time with.

from bubaloo :

Wait a week to write him? Now you ARE talking crazy. Write him a nice little note and send it to him in a couple of days. He's obviously interested or he wouldn't be so quick to write you back. I think he LIKES you... ha ha ha. I'm a dork!

from lissacakes :

Shopping! I did an evil thing. I requested catalogs from J. Crew and Anthropologie. I fucking love Anthropologie. Thankfully, I have no credit cards currently, only a debit card. Well, I do have a J. Crew card, but I don't NEED J. Crew. I NEED beautiful Anthropolgie sweaters, shoes, and skirts. YUM! I want new clothes for work! At least I got a couple skirts really cheap at Buffalo Exchange a couple weeks ago - to hold me over. I just HAD to talk about shopping!

from lissacakes :

I really liked your discussion of woe, and the hand wringing, etc. from a few days back. Ezra. There was this boy named Ezra who introduced himself, "Hi, my name's Ezra. There's a band going around saying they're better than me." Everytime I hear Ezra, I think of that. Another antiquated by useful term: swooning.

from lissacakes :

There was no lunch, because they got really busy and couldn't make it back in the office. Thank goodness for boot device errors on Wintel servers! Well, the one who actually works got busy. The other fuckin' retard came in, but we weren't going to go just the two of us, thank God.

from bubaloo :

Pixelie, ya know I love ya. Please, Please, Please don't get too carried away. I know that it is such a good drug, infatuation and love, that it's easy to fall deep in it's spell. Believe me, I'm as bad as you are, as you well know. I just don't wanna pick up little pieces of you... You know what, nevermind. Fuck it. Just be overjoyed like you are. I'm not going to be the black cloud that rains on your parade. Be happy. Dance on stars. It feels GOOD, don't it? Me? I'm going to go listen to some Ryan Adams and bawl my eyes out. No, not really. Ok, maybe. bye!

from bubaloo :

LOL, smitten! see, that word makes me giggle uncontrollably.... I think that is awesome, can't wait to hear the details.

from lissacakes :

God, I LOVE that Billy Collins poem!

from bubaloo :

YOU are so romantical and funny, I love it! I can't wait till he writes you back...

from bubaloo :

That was just the sweetest entry! Thanx Pixelie!

from lissacakes :

Oh, I so want those things, too. I've thought the exact same things about cocoa butter and tummy rubbing and headphones. Exactly! That's what appeals to me most about being pregnant, the part where the two of you wait for the little baby and where he just loves you so much and takes such good care, even better than the usual wonderful treatment, of you because of his little one in there!

from lissacakes :

It's all perfect except that if it were me, every time we kissed, hugged, cuddled, laughed, ANYTHING, I'd be thinking HE DID THIS ALREADY WITH MY SISTER! But I'm f'd up and I don't deny it.

from lissacakes :

Oh, but I do want him. I want him so baaaaaaaad. I don't want to marry him or bear his children. I just want to have my way with him a few hundred times.

from bubaloo :

NOOOOOOO! Whatever you do, don't put his real name in here! What in the world are you thinking? lol

from lissacakes :

And Nick, short for Nicholas, or much better, Nicolai. Of course. Nick. Nic. Nick.

from lissacakes :

You can't do that! Now I want to know his cute name. Well, I will just tell you my favorite boy names: Nathan, Aiden, Athan. Ben, Benjamin. Jacob. Oh, I know I'm missing a ton. A ton. Toby! I love the name Toby! Oh, and Tyler is okay as well. That ought to hold me over.

from lissacakes :

Ugh, yes, yes, yes!

from bubaloo :

LOL, and you post faster than I can leave notes!

from bubaloo :

Is Pixelie actually a real life Amelie? I love the way your mind works. You have the most wonderful daydreams and hell, you are making ME think that Seattle could be the answer to all my problems! I can't get past the shitty weather thing. I think that I could handle living in YOUR Seattle. You really are awesome.

from lissacakes :

I saw Saved. I really like the same part you mentioned about the pipe bomb. The other part I really liked is where Hillary Faye tells Randall, "What if we were in China and I was killed at birth, where would you be then?" And he says, "In China."

from lissacakes :

About the box, it's weird. I was totally all over the box thing last week, and I haven't thought about it since. I know I need to do it, but not sure where to begin. I'm sure it'll just happen one day.

from lissacakes :

Thanks for your note. He keeps telling me he cares so much, yaddi yadda but even the words he uses are so formal and distant. When I read those emails, I knew what I'd suspected, SOMETHING big is missing here. I think we're going to dinner, for better or worse.

from lissacakes :

Yes, stress. Stress is capable of doing all kinds of things to your body.

from lissacakes :

Copious amounts of sex! Like three, four, five times a day. My goodness. Ice packs. I'll send you ice packs for a bridal shower gift. If I had my way, I'd be needing ice packs myself. One day...

from lissacakes :

I kept thinking two kids one day, just because I wanted them to not be lonely, but I read some article on MSN about only children and how it's not so bad and I think it changed my mind to one. Or zero. I can't ever have a puppy again. I gave away my Coopy to live with my dad and I couldn't replace him. And I don't think I can handle taking him back, he is insane.

from bubaloo :

Signs? No such thing. Just looking for catastrophe if ya ask me...Aw hell, don't ask me, I'm bitter. I'll shutup now...

from lissacakes :

How many babies shall you and Seattle boy have? I have a request. If you've got nothing else to talk about one day, can you describe him to us? I love hearing about yummy boys.

from lissacakes :

I went to Sedona once before with the CS, but he wasn't about to check out vortexes and break a sweat by hiking anywhere. With this one, I can do all that. I definitely want to hike and swim and be pampered too. Though I'm kind of pissy because he took some hoe bag named Karen up there before. Oh, now I'm getting angry... Oh, what is wrong with me?

from bubaloo :

Hey pixelie, I'm the same way. I'm not much of a "go get what I want" kind of guy as far as girls go. Either I'm too shy or afraid of rejection. You almost have to throw yourself at me. I think that's why when what I perceive to be a good one comes along, it bums me out when it doesn't work out. I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. Just make sure that you like them too.

from lissacakes :

oooo, which bookstore?

from lissacakes :

Yes! "I love you. I fell in love with you as you walked by." We each have to make it a point to run up to someone and say that at least once before we die!

from lissacakes :

I keep wondering about this guy who told you about Iowa's live journal. Is he secretly plotting against him, or did he just not think it was private so he didn't think Iowa would care? Do you think Iowa might think you are reading?

from lissacakes :

Sit and Spin, Iowa. I absolutely love that. I think it'd be a good profile title or diary title. Nevermind, that it doesn't make sense for me, but it's so great! Yeah, I must really hate corn and plains. Sit and Spin, Iowa, you can fuck yourself. Ha.

from lissacakes :

Is it possible to take the LSAT twice, like the SAT? For the graduate school tests, do they frown upon that? Or, maybe average your scores rather than take the best one? Perhaps you could explain you were sick or something before the one if you were to interview with a school, and if you totally kick ass the second time around, that would be backup that yes, you are a genius and yes, they should totally accept you. I'm really just talking out of my ass. I know zero about law school and the LSAT.

from bubaloo :

Pix, if I could add one word to what Lissa wrote I would. I can't. Your entry and her response were wonderful. I'm all teary eyed, but in a good way. Big Hugs to you!

from lissacakes :

As I read your entry, I had an instant reaction, and as I kept reading it kept getting stronger. So, I decided to go pee (cuz I really had to go) and try to word what I was thinking. What Iowa said makes me angry, and it also makes me feel that he is so shallow an individual with no capacity to see the nuances that color any situation that his opinion of you is completely inconsequential and anyone worth knowing that he could ever share it with would see through him and not waste energy listening. I wish it made you angrier, disgusted you about him, but hurt you less. What you did to yourself, what you do to yourself is infinitely worse in life than what others do to you - in general. In your particular situation, you decided that you weren't respecting yourself. After the Iowa thing, you said that is what really hit home for you. You know something that Iowa will never know. You know that you did what you did because of your relationship with you. You weren't really using him, and he was by no means using you (He was not the master of the situation, you were.) You were using yourself. I find it so fascinating that the same acts can have drastically different repercussions depending upon a person's head space. I don't see anything wrong with any of the things you have done. You are a mature adult. I think no less of you, not that it would or should matter if I did. If you were in a different spot inside, you could be happy with yourself and fulfilled by conquests, feel that you are fully living life. You decided that it wasn't the case. It is entirely about you. You hurt yourself. You want to not only stop hurting yourself, but also EXAMINE WHY. I think that is the bravest thing that a person can ever do. You are a brave, intelligent woman. I respect you immensely. I will stop now. I sound like a freak!

from lulublu :

layout: Fabulous. You: even more so. I'm so happy the LSAT Phenom is done for you! I'm sure you rocked them for all they're worth.

from lissacakes :

I met a guy in an accounting class who was majoring in civil engineering and working full time who still found time to spend two summers teaching english in other countries: china and germany. yeah, I was totally jealous and therefore decided to hate him.

from bubaloo :

Pixelie, you saw Amelie? Don't you just love her? When I picture you in my mind that's who I think of. An adorable, whimsical girl. Who's hot as hell! lol

from lissacakes :

The interview went very well, too bad they are a bunch of born again freaks and I don't want to work there. I'll probably talk about it later or tomorrow. Right now, I am just tired and hungry. I am not even thinking about applying for other jobs until after the interview with ING. I want that one. Think big. OH, another thing that the devil, Starbucks, does - they give away wonderful pretty little wrapped packages of coffee with poems. I've got a bag of coffee in a brown and beige card thing. Really nice paper. Really nice texture and inside the flap - poems.

from lissacakes :

I wish I could fix it for you. After hours upon hours of anguish and several templates, I think I've figured out how to make the entries appear and reappear at my will. I will try to teleport to Florida and fix it right quick.

from bubaloo :

Oooooh, I like your new page layout. I think that I am going to have to get a new one now. I'm tired of the goddamned simpsons...

from bubaloo :

Yes, I am out... I mean yes, he is out there somewhere! Even as fucked as I feel right now, I still have hope. Even more hope maybe. Pix, when you write like that, it makes me sad and happy at the same time. I felt like I was so close to that...and. and. and BLAH!!!!! lol

from bubaloo :

LOL, lissa, Amelie, my dream girl! I often think of pix as an amelie type of character. That's funny you mentioned her.

from lissacakes :

Amelie was so clever and cute. I particularly love the first half an hour. Just those quirky little extras, like in Garden State that you wonder how they came up with them. I still need to see Saved and City of God. I'm trying to catch up on my independent movies this month. Oh, I also watched Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen last night, but we don't need to ever mention that one again. :)

from lissacakes :

Your note to A was awesome. It was very touching. Oh, I have a question for you. Did you see Amelie? Did you like it?

from bubaloo :

hey pix! At least you took the time to write a note to A. That was really, really, sweet.

from bubaloo :

Your fictitious letter was awesome. It really does suck to have to be mature. My diary is probably the only place that you will see me lose control. In my real life, that rarely ever happens. That's why I love my diary! Oh, and you guys aren't bad either...lol

from lissacakes :

Not saying that your parents are insane, but my father has hit the insane mark.

from lissacakes :

My dad is totally like your parents. He is insane. Nothing is ever good enough. I did move to another state. It helps, but I think I'm not far enough away! My mother doesn't give a damn about anything I do. I can't say which is more aggravating. Wait. I think my dad. My dad is more aggravating. My mom may be impossible to please, but at least she's never let down, because she expects nothing from me. My father, however. Geez! Good luck with two like him!

from lissacakes :

I LOVED that. Imaginary letters are always the best.

from bubaloo :

"hunker down!" bub sips coke. "bah, this is a stupid game, and now I have to pee!"

from lissacakes :

I truly believe that when you are really into someone that the sex will be great. Unless they are like pinky-sized, but odds are probably against that.

from lissacakes :

Grrr, I don't know if I can keep it. I really like it but it's pissing me off. I've spent way too much time trying to turn it into blog style because without doing so none of the entries that were two to three to a page show up. I've f'd it up really well and put it back and added some links, but I can't figure it out!

from lulublu :

Okay I'm in! woo! And just so you never feel alone, I too, embrace the choke chain of Starbucks...p.s. never listen to bubs about dating rules..lol

from lissacakes :

Did you get to meet up with 8th grade bf or valedictorian boy? I don't think you should throw the five date rule out the window. If you get swept off your feet, well we are all human, but wouldn't it be nice to make some pure tortured guy wait and lust after you? Ha, ha, ha, that'd be wonderful. Bub, I didn't actually go all the way with Satan, just third base.

from bubaloo :

Hey lissa, was that one of 'em you regretted? Satan that is. Pix, you need to forgo the 5 date rule and get yourself some.

from lissacakes :

Satan does live in the TV! He winked at me once, and then there was that time he was at the orgy in the woods and he told me there, too.

from lissacakes :

lulublu left a note on my notes page that she can't get into your diary - the password doesn't work. she asked me to pass it on. i guess she can't even get on your notes page! :)

from bubaloo :

Don't let the bastards get ya down!!!!

from lissacakes :

January is just the accounting program. It's a certificate program for post bachelor's but not a master's degree. I've been admitted as a non degree seeking grad student. I'm not sure what to get the real master's degree in yet.

from lissacakes :

Did you absolutely love Garden State's soundtrack? Maybe it just really fit the movie well.

from lissacakes :

I read that same exact article yesterday. Or, started to when I closed the window in disgust. MSN is evil and so, so easy to get sucked into. D is so typical. He's such a typical guy. What is WRONG with them? My chem teacher in high school said that men have cycles just like women, but that their mood cycle is every 22 days, rather than our typical 28, meaning, MEANING: they are pissy and irrational even more often.

from bubaloo :

A vent-i? LMAO. Starbucks humor. I love starbucks. Words cannot express my deep gratitude for frappachinos. If girls were frappachinos, I would lick every last one of 'em. Wait, I guess I already...never mind! bye!

from bubaloo :

There's nothing better than a big ol' dose of family guilt!!!! Makes me too excited, can't wait for the holidays already!!!

from lissacakes :

You know even if you were to do the things with the mirror that Bub was imagining, I don't think it could qualify as hard core because you wouldn't have the technology for all the close-ups. Though, I'm not sure what the dividing line is. Where exactly does one cross over into hard core pornography? Oh, the life altering questions I ponder...

from bubaloo :

Ummm, maybe in a hard core porn kinda way? It's funny you said that Lissa cuz I was just picturing Pix admiring her beautiful self in the mirror and was having some minor (lol all I'll admit) pornographic fantasies about it. Hey pix, are you still getting rained on or what?

from lissacakes :

Hey, you could do a web cam show. And we can all have no lives and just watch yours, but not in a soft core porn kind of way. Well, I don't know about Bub, but speaking for myself not in a soft core porn kind of way.

from lissacakes :

I so love reading your entries, so you know could you just update like once an hour, because I get bored over here? And yeah, that'd be good. Agreed? Great!

from bubaloo :

Give me your lunch money. Or else. Donald's poetry is actually quite wonderful.

from lissacakes :

Oh, I just reread your note. I spoke to him once more, and didn't ever see him again.

from lissacakes :

Sacramento boy, Aaron (no nickname because he's past past past), is the boy I was whining about in the entry about my ex and the rambling about his comparatively small penis. I knew him when I lived in Northern California with the bastard. I heard awhile back that he's now a coke head in Chico, CA. :(

from lissacakes :

Oh, it definitely means please move to Seattle and track me down so that we can drink coffee and read the paper on Sunday mornings, buy cars and a house and a puppy together, make pudgy little babies and have sex like bunny rabbits! That's how I would take it, anyway.

from bubaloo :

Alright, alright, I'll share the paper with ya and pick some flowers! Damn! Seriously, that sounds lovely to me too. She called me tonight so we are talking. Watching the baseball game together while we were talking. She's cool that way. You are going to find someone that is cool that way for you also!

from lissacakes :

Oh, Pixxxxxxie, you are only 22. And, obviously you are very desirable as you always have guys interested in you, even if they don't work out, you certainly get them interested! As you were describing the perfect Sunday morning, I smiled because I realized Rob does those things. Runs out and gets coffee while I'm still asleep or in the shower. Leaves notes, not daisies but a good consolation, on my car, not my pillow but he's getting there. We sit and read the paper at Starbucks, and he starts with the front page, maybe business. I automatically get handed the career builder and the arts/entertainment/metro whatever the hell it's called section. Saturday night he said, "Tomorrow, after we have our coffee and read the paper..." It is wonderful, but it doesn't stop there. There's so much more wrong with this person who's perfect in Sunday morning ways. Can I live with someone who's damaged in so many ways? There's so many ways someone can be good for you. And you just make sure you put every guy through the wringer TWICE to make sure the one you keep is going to be strong enough!

from lissacakes :

I totally love Sacramento because I knew an awesome boy from there, and I've toyed with the idea of living there because of him, even though he isn't there anymore. The one time I was there, I just drove around all evening, enthralled with every tree, every bridge, every old building downtown, and felt him around every corner.

from bubaloo :

Sounds like you are way better not having those idiots in your life.

from bubaloo :

awww, your ex was from san diego? See, if ya had known me then I could've told ya not to trust anyone from here!

from bubaloo :

Pixadillyicious, I think that you may be right. The good thing about that is that I never do. The bad thing is that when I do I inevitably get my heart broke.

from bubaloo :

Pix, I felt like I was in the car right beside ya, with the rain hitting my face and coming on to the percosets. Nice writing. Oh, and The Demon Deacons suck! You were better off not going.

from lissacakes :

It's always amazing how you can go back and finally find one moment that really changed everything.

from bubaloo :

Hmmm, you could try a ... ummmm... errrr. How about a seminary? 5 dates would be pure torture. I'm all for taking your time. I just don't know how to do it either.

from bubaloo :

Yay!

from lissacakes :

Yeah, I always hear about people who TRY to get pregnant and have all kinds of trouble once they're off the pill if they took it a long time. Oh, I just want to go over there and give you a big, long bear hug. Bub is right, everyone looks for a way to feel better. Iowa sounds like a nice enough guy, even if he's not the one for you. I'm glad that he called. Maybe he's in the same boat as you. I mean feeling like he wanted to hold someone and be loved. You're not alone in that.

from bubaloo :

Hey pix, it's going to be alright. If you have been on the pill for a long time the chances of you being pregnant are really slim. Unless you have sex with me. That's a joke. Seriously, I'm sorry that you are feeling bad. I wish that I could say something to make you feel better. You aren't a whore. You just want something to make you feel better. We all do, we just have different ways of trying to fix that. I use drugs. You use relationships. It's the same thing, just different methods. Hang in there, Pix! The right one will come along.

from bubaloo :

If you can tie it in a knot maybe you should reconsider.... ;)

from bubaloo :

Maybe he just wants someone to hold him. Is that so wrong?

from lissacakes :

H's messages were very transparent, weren't they? Ass.

from lissacakes :

Reading your entry, I was struck by how you remain focused on YOU despite whatever men are flitting through your life, being dumbasses. I really admire that. I seem to only be able to focus on one at a time: me or them. Me vs. them. I think Gluck says something about her ability to only see one thing at a time. I will have to find that. I'm going to the library tonight, and I just returned a couple of her books. This means I will have to pay my fines. Crap!

from lissacakes :

You know what? I just hate men. I do. Really. To hell with them. I'm just pissy right now. I hate that I emailed back this FB prick. I lost the I-didn't-email-you-back game. I know how you feel.

from bubaloo :

First off, barefoot is good. Flip flops are lame. Trust no one. Second, I bet there were 5 barefoot guys out in that rain that were wondering where the girl of their dreams was at the same time you were. You are awesome. Don't settle.

from lissacakes :

We did talk about us last night on the phone for like two hours. I'm trying to remember what took so long. I'm sure I'll be updating soon.

from lissacakes :

Oh, yes, my edition does have all of the pictures. I checked out a book of Walker Evans photography and they were all equally creepy. There was a great picture of Agee. Maybe I'll find it online and post it.

from lissacakes :

I love the name Graham! You asked me something... I can't remember...

from lissacakes :

I agree with Bub. You and I, we totally need barefoot kind of men. OMG on the book. We are beyond freaky. I started reading it about the same time last year, but it's kind of hard to get through because the language is so all over the place, and I have a hard time FOCUSING, but I love it, I love Agee. How far are you? I'm on like 130-something, long way to go. I absolutely love Walker Evans' description of James Agee in the beginning, something about his suits fitting perfectly to his body simply because he never washed them or took them off, and how he is a Christian, but in a very anti-church way. Self-lacerating anger, alcoholism, and so on. My kind of man. Have you read A Death in the Family? That's my FAVORITE book ever ever.

from bubaloo :

What in the world can you possibly be thinking? I mean if you want to jump his bones cuz he's hot that's one thing, but otherwise I think you would be completely miserable with this guy. He sounds like the kind of person that would crush your spirit. That would be a shame.

from lissacakes :

You are right. Very, very right. I want to make sure I don't behave rashly, and I think it through. But you are right.

from lulublu :

hey lady! my email is [email protected] I didn't get your email...so you can send it to me again!

from bubaloo :

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "Hey John, why the long face?" ok, I'm equal opportunity. George Bush went down to Florida to survey the damage from Charley, he looked around and said, " I assure you, we are going to bring the man that did this to justice."

from lissacakes :

yep!

from lissacakes :

I love pixalicious! I see Bub liked it, too.

from lissacakes :

When one of the first impressions a person makes on you is to disappoint you, it doesn't feel good. You are not being moronic. I understand your feeling that maybe you sabotage things that are too normal. I think that I do that too, for drama, when I don't have anything more interesting going on. But in this instance, I think you are justified in being a bit wary.

from bubaloo :

Not even in raisin bran, Lissa? After it's been sitting there awhile? As for you Pixalicious, I think your major mistakes was giving him a "state" nickname. It's just bad luck.

from bubaloo :

Pixie, grrrr! Now you are locking up your diary too? humph! All of a sudden I feel like I am in the Soviet Union. No, I didn't receive my password. Please send to: [email protected]. Don't make me write you a personal note! lol bye!

from lissacakes :

On the topic of raisins. I don't like them in cold foods. They get hard and chewy. They are not good in cereal. Same thing with chocolate in ice cream... it doesn't work out right.

from lissacakes :

But, it doesn't sound like you were looking, you just came across someone who seems great. How could you not be disappointed? This calling late and forgetting little promises seems to be prevalent in even good guys. I don't get why they space these things if they care for someone! Bub?

from rock-a-betty :

I did get the password - thanks for sending it and letting me keep reading. :)

from lissacakes :

I just read your loves and hates. Love the ocean. God, I miss the ocean!!!!!! I just hit me all of a sudden for some reason. Hurt. Pain. Now. Hate... raisins? That much to put on your template? Wow, that is some serious raisin hate! I like my password!

from bubaloo :

Yay! Pixie's back! Glad you had a good time. Iowa, kind of like calling someone Alabama? ;)

from askforthesea :

Hmmmm....why aren't you on my buddy list? I'll do that now. Yeah, I didn't take that picture of him, I assume it's from wherever that Andy Warhol exibit is. New York maybe? He should be doing another tour soon. If you get him to sign something to you and do a little flirting you'll be walking around town with him in no time! I take it that he likes to make new friends in every city. Especially of the female variety!

from lissacakes :

I like the title of your last entry.

from godmoney :

that's my car motherfucker! prolly my fave drunk bar scene. nice reading ur diary :)

from lissacakes :

The actual saying I love you part was as nice as I could have wanted it to be. Very sweet indeed. Just afterwards, a bit weird.

from lissacakes :

I'm kind of going through the same thing that you were with the ex situation. I keep going back and forth on hating him. I don't want to hate him, because I don't want to have feelings about him one way or the other. But the moment I don't hate him, I fear that I have forgiven him somewhat or something, and I feel absolutely disgusted that I ever let this person matter to me, that I let this person touch me. So, I start hating him all over again. When I talk to myself, pretending that I'm talking to him, I always tell him that I wish I never met him, that he's the worst thing that ever happened to me, and that he ruined my life. I know I ruined my own life. I just want to hurt him and it does hurt him, in my imagination, and my reaction to that is different every time. Well, September 1st will be one year for me. I can't wait to be able to say it's been over for a year.

from lissacakes :

So... your siblings are much older than you right. I'm thinking you are used to dealing with older, and maybe more mature, people than those your age. Also, you are obviously intelligent, and it may be more likely to find scintillating conversation with those beyond their twenties.

from bubaloo :

Hey, what's so wrong with older men? lol. Oh, btw, kill your neighbors....

from bubaloo :

Hey, what's so wrong with older men? lol. Oh, btw, kill your neighbors....

from pixystix303 :

O i'm so sorry that your neighbors are assholes and I'm glad you called that guy a tool, because someone needed to! Yeah well you haven't noted me in a while so I was just checking to see if you were still alive

from pixystix303 :

from lissacakes :

Do you have assigned spaces? Oh, that really gets me going. Key their car. Call the police. Bitch to apt mgmt. There's not really much you can do that isn't traceable back to you and that therefore wouldn't incur more annoying behavior from them. Grrrrr!!!!!

from irishblueyes :

Just wanted to say hi, and that I really enjoy your diary and hope you won't mind me adding you as a favorite!

from lissacakes :

I only bothered with him because of the one poem that you posted, Vade Medcum. That was brilliant; not a word wasted. One other poem, a two-pager, had one stanza, ONE STANZA, I liked. It was The Afterlife and it was made a reference to Edith Hamilton and made me feel smart. Other than that, shitshitshitshit. I can't believe he is considered anywhere near the level of Louise Gluck. I mean, I don't care if a person isn't in to love poems, Gluck has a way more refined and unique way of phrasing things. Period! (My opinion after reading Questions on Angels... I've got one more book to be disappointed by.)

from lissacakes :

It's so weird that just a commercial or a conversation you overhear can bring back all those memories. I hate that sudden regret. Sometimes, I kind of feel jealous when I see people who had all the right things fall into place and got to do the things I didn't.

from bubaloo :

That was such a great entry, Pix! It's funny how we let those dreams die or let people tell us that we are foolish for even having them. My real dream when I was a kid was to coach basketball. I loved it so much. Then all the drugs in high school. Then dropping out of college to be a daddy. I still dream about it.

from pixystix303 :

Yeah I remember my dreams...I still have it but my parents aren't really pushing in it and I guess everything is limited. I am still working for it though...I have always wanted to be a singer...I sing all the musical songs and I know a lot of different varieties of music. Luckily I might be in a side band and be the singer of that so it is good to know that you should always stick with your dreams...thanks for getting me on the right track again!

from bubaloo :

Ummm, sounds good to me, except that I shave my head. I might end up scalping myself.

from lissacakes :

kiss or not kiss moments, hand-holding across tables, electric leg bumps, kenyan coffee, and egyptian cotton sheets... you paint a great picture. i'll specify travel section of the newspaper and add picnics and rubbing the back of their sweaty, sticky neck on humid days :)

from lissacakes :

wrote you a note on my own page. hate when i do that.

from lissacakes :

perfect, perfect, perfect... I know exactly what you mean... well put

from bubaloo :

YOU are ABSOLUTELY wonderful! He's a fool. Both of those dumbasses are...

from lissacakes :

I know! I'd like to think of myself more as The Sonnet, overly romantic. I took it once more, and tried to be in a less bitter frame of mind, and got The Wild Rose. Oh, gag.

from lissacakes :

I SOOOO love "date night." It kept me sane for many a month. And now I have someone that I go EVERYWHERE with and I want MY date night back!

from brutalyoga :

i found you through mr. jack kerouac... you know lisacakes, so you must be cool. nice stuff, cast shadow!

from lissacakes :

I SO want to see Saved. What's her name? Jena Malone? Loved her in The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys.

from lissacakes :

It's the actually the same template that I've always had. I just found a list of the HTML code for colors and changed the colors from purple and burgundy (to ones that appear often in Chagall paintings). I signed up gold membership for three months and uploaded some images. I want to have a third column on the right with nothing but paintings, but I can't figure it out. I also have a Van Gogh jpeg on the very bottom. It's all kind of a mess, half done, for now.

from lissacakes :

Oh, oh, oh. Love the turquoise template!!!! And the font! I'm glad we can see your titles now. Sometimes, I would go to your older page, to see the titles because they were so silly, but we never got to see them before.

from lissacakes :

But, there's something to be said for not sticking around and trying to salvage things, for demanding more. With Rob, I want it to work. I want this person. I think this person deserves wonderful me. Oh, that sounded so ridiculous!!!! We put this friendship at risk to do this thing, so we each must have been pretty sure that the other was worth losing to try and be more.

from lissacakes :

Two things. H: Maybe he thought he should give you space, or maybe he needed space, and wasn't just being an ass. An ass, but not JUST an ass, I hope. Other thing: I think it's hilarious how you are leaving so your roommate doesn't know that you were home all day.

from pixystix303 :

Oh Im sorry you feel so bad...I totally understand Im in that kind of mood right now as well. I just hope things get better bc I don't know how much more of this I can take. Sounds like it's good you let your sister know you were upset with her comment but you should have probably made it a little more gentler, but then again she wasn't very gentle when she said you need therapy. I just don't get why people can't be understanding and try their best to help out others...bc in the end we're all each other has. It amazes me to see how sisters, best friends, and family members turn on each other without a second thought. You do deserve the best and never stop striving for it bc then all these years of hell will be lost and you don't want them to be lost bc you have worked through them and have gained so much from them. I just thought I should let you know all this bc its something I cant tell myself when I am in this situation...and I am still trying to figure out why but maybe it helped... I hope it did!

from lissacakes :

Awww, when I saw my note from you, I was hoping you'd have another entry. I didn't realize that I'd switched from "HarpieBitchWoman" to Crystal. I think I did it for clarity, since the nicknames might be hard to keep straight, like when you had to use Douglas when "D" was already taken.

from bubaloo :

LOL, no Lissa, you are both crazy together! Hey pixie, it was good to see an entry from you. You are missed. bub

from lissacakes :

my "crush" (actually, obsessive stalking escapade) has been going on for almost a year as well... so we're crazy together... or we're not crazy

from lissacakes :

thank you, thank you, thank you

from bubaloo :

hey pix! thanks for the sweet note! You are absolutely da bomb! I'll try to steer clear of trouble this weekend.

from lissacakes :

I drank vodka tonics around the clock - with limes, too. I mean, I didn't have water in my house, so I drank a vodka tonic every night instead of water. Then, Rob introduced me to Kettle One with Seven Up, delicious. I also love Raspberry Stoli and Seven Up, though that's not so sophisticated. I had high hopes for Jack and Gingers, they just sound so cool, but icky! Same goes for Sapphire and Tonics. Yuck!

from lissacakes :

I meant to say when SHE visited...

from lissacakes :

We are hopeless romantics. I must admit, I think about chb every day as well. Sometimes, I'm not even thinking. It is just a fleeting image that passages through my head. Leslie and I went to his place of employment when he visited, and he and some friends wandered by on the other side of the street and they were all holding guitars and strumming them lazily. It was a very odd picture. A very odd, and very wonderful, picture. No doubt, they were on their way to serenade a girl who wasn't me. Sigh. Hmmm, what kind of beer are you drinking? I have yet to find one that I can gulp down, or that I would refer to as tasty. I find myself drinking cheap, low-carb Michelob Ultras, or Fat Tires are okay, but I want a good, light, perhaps amber brew to love and drink out of a nice, cold frosty mug.

from bubaloo :

It sounded like you were talking to beavis and butthead! That was totally funny!

from lissacakes :

I am like obsessed with Catholicism and iconography. I wrote a story where I was trying to pray, repent, or something, but started thinking about a guitar player I saw earlier in the day and then decided that the Virgin Mary statue in front of me looked very lustful. Then started comparing myself to the Virgin Mary. Blasphemer! I'm so going to hell.

from lissacakes :

How to link... <A HREF="http://www.diaryland.com"> Click here to go to the most excellent web page on earth </A>. I didn't know either but it's in the "Help section and FAQs" under the Other stuff heading on the left hand side. Change diaryland to the correct web address. And change Click here... to whatever you want the part that will have the link to say.

from lissacakes :

likes: 1. What you said to your neighbor. Very nice. 2. Your sudden reversal in feeling for your art history professor. It was his comment about the virgin Mary, wasn't it? 3. That you have not once changed your template and confused us. I am insane with the template changing around.

from bubaloo :

I haven't been too thrilled with love is hell either. I LOVE rocknroll though. Ooooh, that is such good stuff. "I used to be sad now I'm just bored with you." That's what I'm talking about!

from bubaloo :

your last entry was wonderful, pixie!

from rock-a-betty :

P.S. Your neighbor is a moron and men are dicks. My motto is that they all suck all of the time. It's just that sometimes we don't notice as much. xoxoxox

from rock-a-betty :

Thanks. :) You made me feel better :)

from lissacakes :

I remember you mentioning that book in your diary. I really liked This Side of Paradise, but not The Great Gatsby as much. I started reading Zelda's Save the Last Waltz (???) but didn't finish. My favorite thing I've read about them is where they're mentioned in Hemingway's A Moveable Feast. I was really into the whole "lost generation" for a long time. That book sounds interesting - the women instead of the men for once. I've been meaning to find a biography on Millay for some time.

from bubaloo :

dammit, Pixie! If you didn't have bad luck you would have no luck at all. Honey, the next one is right around the corner. Not those mean people downstairs but the other one. Hang in there, baby. *hugs* bub

from lissacakes :

God, what world is she living in, because I want one of my own like that - one where everything revolves around me and I get to be oblivious when anyone behaves like it could possibly not. She needs to be slapped, but somehow I think she's already a little too far gone for that. Evil neighbor girl.

from onandso-on :

thamks for the note, I been readin your stuff, I like, I like, Take care Ron

from onandso-on :

thamks for the note, I been readin your stuff, I like, I like, Take care Ron

from bubaloo :

LOL....me too! Help the two retards post links! Please help!

from bubaloo :

That would be a good idea except that I am compulsively honest to a fault most of the time. I'm no good at sneaky. So my friends will have to put up with me, for better or worse, sickness and health, for as long as they can stand me! And I'm sure he is a fine gentleman. He better be, anyway, if he knows what's good for him! bye!

from bubaloo :

Hey pixaloo! (does that make you a relation?) Go for it! The worst thing that could happen is that he could be a SERIAL KILLER!!!!! Maybe I shouldn't put these ideas in your head. lol. bye!

from lissacakes :

I was a bad girl on Friday. Now, I want to have a little streak of badness, not be a whore, so I must remember to keep it in check! Hopefully your new neighbors are just having a bunch of people over cuz they just moved in and will settle down. My neighbors across the street had mariachi parties in their garage for a month. Lovely.

from bubaloo :

Hey pix, maybe THEY will drive your sister away!

from pixystix303 :

Hey haven't heard from you in a while but I am so glad that blaine lol called you! Mega cool! Yeah I need an excuse to get in shape I am just so freaking lazy as of late hahah! Yeah well hit me up I miss hearing your opinions!

from bubaloo :

Still restless? Me too! Maybe I will follow you to the coffee shop with my notebook and people watch and drink my mocha. Beats the bar...blech!

from lissacakes :

Ugggg! I so know how you feel on the trust issues and fear of being hurt. I keep waiting for El Toro to fuck me over, because that's what people do to other people. I even look forward to it. On one hand, I convince myself he'll end up back with his ex and make myself feel bad, but on the other, I truly believe I'm great and that he'd regret it and that would make it okay. Oh, everyone's crazy, aren't they?

from tcklyrpharsn :

oops...i'm late commenting, but re: museum studies programs, don't sell yourself short. if you've got good grades and some decent recommendation letters, coupled with a kick-ass statement of intent, you could get in. i got into a grad religion program with a double major of music and classics. go figure! meantime, chin up, pixie.

from bubaloo :

Hmm, your last entry makes a lot of sense. I think that I may be the same way. You won't be alone for ever, pix, and even if you are, so what? As long as you are having a good time doing it.

from bubaloo :

pixapoo, you can do whatever you want in this great big world. As long as you are willing to pay the consequences.

from lissacakes :

Nothing on the jobs. I've applied to four so far, I think. One turned out to be a headhunter and what I applied for didn't seem to actually exist. The others were county or big corporations, so they probably won't call, or they'll take forever. Sigh.

from lissacakes :

My friend and I had a pretty good time, considering I am broke and she is kind of a homebody. El Toro... internally I'm always up and down, but truthfully, in "real life," we get along well 99.99% of the time, because as soon as I actually speak to him I manage to forget all my crazy, off-the-wall exaggerations and assumptions. You know, reading about your procrastination was totally bringing back that dread feeling from school. But, it actually made me finish a job app I've been working on all week, because I needed to accomplish something to quell the looming panic attack!

from bubaloo :

Good for you, sweetie! You shouldn't be anyone's second choice. You are #1!

from bubaloo :

awww sweetie, now it's my turn to say that you are doing just fine. Look at all the things YOU have accomplished. You should be proud and confused? I'll let ya know when life stops being confusing.... Oh, and come to San Diego, NOW! See, I told ya what to do! lol bye!

from bubaloo :

Thanks for the sweet comments, Pixadilly! I feel alot better today, can't you scare your sister away somehow?

from lissacakes :

My dog stalks through the grass like a lioness, crouches down, and leaps into the air to bring down low-flying or walking birds. As gross as I think pigeons are, I can't help but feel for them as he carries them around wriggling in his mouth and I scream "EwEwEwEw!" from the safety of the porch. I have buried many a bird. When I'm really lazy and its really close to trash day, I shovel them into the big can on the street. I too feel for the tiny dead creatures.

from pixystix303 :

HEY! Oh I want a smoothie after that entry girl! lol! Yeah well now I am sitting here craving a smoothie and not knowing where my blender is! I hope your power goes back on and that sounds like a cool ritual to me! Well yeah I haven't heard from you in a while so juust checking in! Lots of love and luck!

from bubaloo :

That is because I am a killer bee!!!!! RAWR!!!!

from lissacakes :

I wrote you a note yesterday about J and about going to visit him again and wearing your cute pink skirt, but when I hit the "done!" button everything froze up and it never got submitted! So, that was the gist of it.

from bubaloo :

Hi sweetie! I am so glad that you typed that entry. The reason that you love heartache and loss songs when you feel blue is because you love to revel in that sadness. I am exactly the same way. There is nothing better than a rainy, dreary day, a case of the blues, and some Ryan Adams or Counting Crows. I turn it up real loud and just sing along. I swear, everytime that I do that, I feel better. OK, truth, I'm still thinking about things on your chest! ;/ Sorry, I'm a bad man! bye~~bub

from bubaloo :

I LOVE ABBA! I'm glad that I'm old enough that I dont give a fuck if I love singing cheesy, goofy songs in Wal-mart, or even in a Starbucks for that matter! hehe I am such a wierdo, I must embarrass my friends all the time. I must learn to act cooler.

from lissacakes :

I must go to your school and take that class.

from lissacakes :

You had me hooked at rumpled hair. Then you had to add stubble. Faded t-shirt. Messenger bag. Drool.

from bubaloo :

Pounce and have your way with him!!!!

from lissacakes :

O, exciting. An American accent is good for something! I wonder what other silly countries like their languages in our accent. Greece? Please, please Greece.

from bubaloo :

Everytime I read your journal, besides thinking that you are adorable, I think that I am so glad that I'm not in school. 300 page what due by when? aughhh!!! Hang in there!

from tcklyrpharsn :

man, even I get depressed about being single and alone when I get drunk by myself and watch sex and the city dvds. And i'm married! don't be too sad...this too shall pass!

from bubaloo :

Pixalicious, I think you sound wonderful in boxer shorts and a t-shirt! H is a moron. I think that you are right though, when you least expect it is when it happens. Here's to what's just around the corner. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me going. Hang in there...

from pixystix303 :

Hey wow it is good to be ungrounded and back on Diaryland I missed so many of your entries but you seem to be chilling and enjoying life which is exactly as it should be. Well yeah Morgan and Derek are on the rocks and she finally believes me about what an asshole he is, and LJ and I are so great I am in love with him and it is weird because it has never hit me this hard...he is just amazing! Well yeah I hope to hear from you sooN!!

from bubaloo :

That's some good advice right there. Where can I rent those movies? I'm tired of being mr. shy guy.

from bubaloo :

boring's not such a bad thing sometimes.

from rock-a-betty :

:P :P :P :P to H! That's what I say! The beach sounds soooo warm and so fun.

from bubaloo :

I am so happy that you are back. I am dancing up and down snoopy like! Summer crushes are just the best... Sorry 'bout your friend. Least she's not pregnant.

from lissacakes :

Oh, I want a summer crush, now. If I had no boy and only had a crush, then I'd want a boy. The grass is always greener... My best friend has HPV, and she is constantly having problems. I feel very bad for her, but it's a different scenario. She got it from the very first person she ever slept with and after she waited a year and a half to do it and after six months of using condoms. Poor thing.

from lissacakes :

Yeah, TEN days. You better have some stories for us after TEN LONG AGONIZING days of silence! :)

from bubaloo :

OK, ummm, your trip has gone on long enough.... WHERE ARE YOU!!!!! Just missin' ya, that's all.

from bubaloo :

pix, I just read your h the bastard entry. What a dick! Now remember, I'm kindofa a man in your life and I will always be straight with you and if I was there I would so throw a rock through his window or something for ya. Sorry baby, hang in there, and have a good trip!

from lissacakes :

grrrrrr. i can't help but hope he just didn't want you waiting around for him. hope that he thought you were too busy with your friends and that he was too insignificant to interfere. but, still...grrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

from lulublu :

Oh sweetpea, I'm sorry! He's Cochino that's all there is to say about that....my bastard is coming tomorrow to pick up his stuff....ah love...hang in there.

from bubaloo :

Nice description of your skirt. The wild monkeys are going crazy down here. I don't think that we ever grow out of being boys, I think we just learn to hide it better. Sometimes. lol

from lissacakes :

cute skirt. i luv clothes. they make me so happy. is it one of those ones that's like a tight tube around your butt and tummy but all flouncy and ruffley underneath? i love those kind. i've got this sweatshirty gray one that's knee-length but cut all up and down and jaggedy and its really wide so when the wind blows, up goes the skirt... and i always happen to be wearing hello kitty underwear those days. woopsie :)

from lissacakes :

There's something that really irks me about 30 year olds who are very boyish around women. A so makes me think of this one guy who I met through a co-worker. There was nothing wrong with him persay, but he just kind of creeped me out. Calling all the time, leaving me mass messages - uh, just get a clue. Your questions: are things progressing? I dunno. The people I work with know. His best friend knows. His mom I guess kinda knows. She knows we spent the weekend together anyway. The overnights continuing? Well, Sunday was THE night. Last night, he passed on coming over, though we were on the phone till 1AM. Tonight? I'll just have to see if he asks, because I'm not asking to be turned down again!

from lissacakes :

I felt better after I talked to him, so yeah, I was over-reacting yet again. Hmmm, I'm curious how old A is... he does sound immature where women are concerned. Or, perhaps, that is not something they grow out of, huh? :)

from bubaloo :

And you forgot sexy as all hell too! Damn, girl.... don't forget that!!! lol

from bubaloo :

I can't believe that you would type something like that about me!!!! rofl I'm not easily offended, so none taken. I am sure that I already know the girl that I want to spin around, she's just a little out of reach right now...

from bubaloo :

humph, I still don't like him, but he isn't unbearable at least! I tried to pick Ron up and spin him, he didn't seem as thrilled as you. Must be a girl thing!

from lissacakes :

What a lot to catch up on this morning! That's wonderful. What he did is so touching. I really, really like H, now!

from bubaloo :

Pix-a-lic-ious! (I love thinking of new pet names for you) The best thing about that whole entry was that you talked to him! Opened up the lines of communications between the two of you. I love rum! Makes ya say stuff you might not ordinarily say. bye!!!!

from bubaloo :

A "fuck you" for opening an elevator door? lol You must go to a rough library....

from bubaloo :

Well, he could be realizing how truly special and wonderful you are. He could be just a major psycho dick that just wants to keep you hanging on. For you, I hope it's the former. hugs~~bub

from bubaloo :

"PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, take it from me." See, when I read that just now, I thought, really bad sexual pun. ROFL. We both need help. I probably need to get laid. Pix, you really don't need anyone. When you actually realize this, the right one will walk right in. And it will be good.

from lissacakes :

Do it. Do it. And don't warn him about covering the package - just kick him HARD.

from lissacakes :

H is a bastard. It seems like he knows just the right moment to say just the right thing. It's like he wants to keep you just hanging on for one more taste. I hate him. I hate him, I say.

from bubaloo :

grrrr, you know, I am really wanting to commit extreme acts of violence on H. He sure knows how to push your buttons. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, take it from me. I can be a total bastard. I care about you. He IS A REAL, REAL, REAL, NO LIE, A DOG! The best thing you could do is get your bracelet, suffer for a week or two, and find someone else. You are so much better than him. That's it, no more sermons from me, sorry, it just bugs me that he has you wrapped around his finger.

from bubaloo :

an incredibly dirty mind? sometimes? you?!?!? nah...lol.

from bubaloo :

Ummm, probably doesn't mean a thing, and it's definitely not bad. Lists? hmmm.....

from lissacakes :

I had to catch up on your entries. I slacked off the last couple days. I so want that one bumper sticker: I found God. He was behind the couch. !!!! I make lists, but not to-do. Like favorite things or places I want to go or anything very far removed from what I actually have to get done. Maybe to-do lists would be a good idea!

from lissacakes :

Penelope appreciates your concern. I'm still not sure if she'll be put down or not.

from lulublu :

LISTS SOOTHE ME TOO! Man, that's just kinda sick though isn't it? hahaha

from bubaloo :

I love your puns! By the way, exactly which cubicle and what library were you talking about? It doesn't have a glory hole in it, does it? OK, that was bad, hugs~bub

from lulublu :

Isn't that a bitch? I hate it when you look at certain people in your life and realize: "Wow, you REALLY DO suck!" It's a bit of a downer to be sure, but honestly, life is too short too surround ourselves with people that make us feel like shit, b/c there are so many people out there (including ourselves sometimes) handling that task already. Our friends are actually supposed to BE friends, not passive aggressive enemies.....wow, OKAAAAY. Can you tell I'm a psych major? Ummmmm...maybe a little...LOL

from bubaloo :

The only time that I talk to friends from school is when I go up to my sister's. Her husband is about the only guy I talk to from school, and we weren't close in school. It's a lot easier though when your friends just kind of fall by the wayside. Car accidents, suicides, overdoses and long prison terms seem to be the method of choice of most of my old friends from high school. God, I miss the good old days!!!! My best friend though, bums me out. I've tried to contact him but I get no response. He knows that I'm cleaned up and I think he resents me for it. Recurring theme in my life: get clean, using people stop coming around. Makes me sad, sometimes.

from bubaloo :

We would cry our eyes out is what we would do, lissa! Lissa's right though, it's fun to know that "yeah, I could have had that Jewel girl back in da day, ha ha. But no, I was being loyal to my future x-wife. ha ha, yeah, I sure feel better...." <sobbing miserably into pillow>

from lissacakes :

W-O-W. My humble opinions. H: yes, tell him to kiss your ass. This is nice incentive to do so. A: Comfort yourself with the fact that he soooo wanted you, feel like the bigger person, and let him move on. When he's a big thing in the literary world, smirk that this big thing was bigly into YOU. J: Take this feeling and plan out what you will say if you run into him again. Use his absence from the bookstore as an opening to say it made you regret never asking him out when you had the chance. Writing: yes, write, write, write, but don't forget to share with us a bit too, we'd so miss ya! I've taken things I've written and just copied 'em on d-land, and vice versa copying things from d-land into writings. Don't desert us, what would we do?! :)

from lissacakes :

I have a good feeling about the road trip. Rental car, open road, etc., etc. Especially good feeling about the night we go to the observatory in Tucson to see the stars! I hope the gears in his head are turning that way - does seem rather like him.

from lissacakes :

Okay, Duckie was sweet. Her treated her like every girl should be treated. I've so gotta see that movie again. It was my favorite as a little girl. Anyway... did a particular letter coming after G but before I do something grotesque, or is this an open-ended statement? Oh, there will be new letters... I wonder what neighbor boy's name begins with?

from bubaloo :

ok, speaking of that particular movie, I can't remember that girl's name, the one she used to work with in the record? shop, but she was about the sexiest thing that I have ever seen, I had a mad crush on her. OOOOh, new letters, see, every boy! bye!

from rock-a-betty :

I completely and TOTALLY agree with you about Duckie. He was the best! he was soo cool! And Andrew McCarthy was a total jerk. what the heck was up with that, anyhow? I woulda gone with Duckie in a hot minute.

from lissacakes :

Duckie? Was it the hair? To each her own... :)!!!! I was thinking the same thing as Bub below. Hope you're doing great!

from lulublu :

Seriously now. Standing next to Jon Cryer was like an out-of-body experience.....

from bubaloo :

Pixie, does every man in your neighborhood have a crush on you? You are too cute sometimes... crush him, just for kicks...lol, no don't...

from lissacakes :

You just post to your heart's content and we'll try to note ya through it. Yeah, I'm thinking he is/was just confused, too. Okay, that's enough with the "thinking" business for me, for now.

from bubaloo :

Good for you pixie!!!!

from lissacakes :

"saw you throbbing in my syrups" brought tears to my eyes. have you read any lynda hull, linda pastan, or marge piercy? i think maybe you'd like 'em... since i do. :p

from lissacakes :

oh, i'm bad. i didn't have a la vaca free weekend at all. i'll explain shortly.

from pixystix303 :

Hey, wow "h" is getting a lot of things he shoulsn't but I totally understand...kinda how things were with Derek...do you know anyone who would be able to help me I am so lost! Ugh my bro (13) got drunk today and beat the shit outta me (he is 6'2") and yeah then I got in a fite with this Senior and I just dont wanna be here anymore...well yeah note me ok!

from bubaloo :

I don't know if it amuses or frustrates me more, the two of you (lissa included) constantly telling yourselves, that guy is screwed, I'm done with him, as you continue to let them run you over.... but being your friend I continue to love you two anyway. Besides, I had alabama making me look even stupider....

from lissacakes :

I so love it when the little diaryland note e-mails pop up and take me away from my work. Anyway, I had a wonderful time last night, mostly occuring within 1/2 mile of him, and didn't call him. When I let that slip, it'll be fun. I'm out of the haze...I'm seeing his faults...and thinking, geez he's not that cute. I still want him, but geez...he's not all that. I saw a yummy guitar-boy playing outside the library yesterday and realized what a serenade should sound like! H, H, H... I love to hate him!

from lissacakes :

It could totally be the beer, but maybe it says something about his inner-workings? Maybe he feels confused, or gasp, guilty over how wishy-washy he can be to you?

from pixystix303 :

That poem is really inspirational...I hope you find the one...to sweep you off your feet..."H" seems to be doing more harm than good, there is so much confusion surrounding him, I understand the agony.

from lissacakes :

What book is "Mock Orange" outta? Or, did you get it out of a text book?

from lissacakes :

I love Damien, too. He is so adorable and brilliant and sexy. I always wonder if that chicky who sings on "Volcano" is/was his girl. He was on my faves list on my profile, but I took him off in favor of "summertime" music. They're playing "Cannon Ball" on the alternative radio station here, and it's a different, faster version, and it's just not right. Leaves a sticky, filmy taste in my mouth. When I try to think of one perfect line to quote, it's hard. Maybe: "...like so many books on a shelf. Read me your favorite line." Okay, I may need some alone time now. :)

from bubaloo :

Hmm, nothing says cheap beer to me like sprained ankle. Well, besides, breathe, blink, and swallow.

from lissacakes :

I so love it when you quote Gluck.

from bubaloo :

awww, that was sweet, and it's true. Shithole emotionless relationships are good for what they are, but you just can't mistake them for what they are not. Shit. That's it! I'm coming out to take care of both you and lissa, right after I get done with lulublu! lol Talk to ya later, bub

from lissacakes :

oh, god. tell me about it. you'll have him, i just know it. i wish he'd hurry up for you, but maybe he's getting ready out there somewhere.

from lissacakes :

No problem on the playboy Easter bunny. I read that before the Easter from hell and had a giggle. So, I'm thinkin' men stink. And I'm torn between using them for sex, or becoming a nun and not bothering.

from bubaloo :

ahhhh, I just wish you would find someone that you really love and he would love you to death, that's what I wish for you....

from pixystix303 :

Wow I hope you figure out things with H because I know how confusing things can get...My life is horrible and I just want to die right now...Check in on me...and you'll see why...

from bubaloo :

I LOVE the fact that Kathleen Edwards made your list twice. My dream girl....

from lissacakes :

I'm thinkin' a kiss at Elvis' and aquatic, erotic watersports while kayaking at Lake Powell, and oo-la-la at the Wigwam Hotel after the wine-tasting in some hick town I can't remember the name of. (I seriously don't think it's gonna happen, but I can dream.) Can't wait to hear of your wedding adventures this weekend.

from bubaloo :

I couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a fistful of $20's .....

from lissacakes :

I've never been laid at a wedding, or immediately following a wedding. Uh-oh. Now that I am single and back down to fighting-weight, someone needs to get married...

from pixystix303 :

I hope that A doesn't take things the wrong way! And that H didnt see that you called! Yeah getting drunk can be a serious problem! Hey ya know atleast you didn't do something EXTREMELY stupid then we'd be in trouble!

from pixystix303 :

Wow Pixie I am SoOo Sry I know that it all seems to be falling apart! OMG I know! I hate it rite now too Bc Derek WONT go away, We had this huge blowout and I confronted his ex to tell her he is saying he still loves me and he denied it and she didnt believe me and she was threatening me and calling me ugly...atleast we dont live in the same city! But hey H is being weird and things will definately get better, maybe he is as confused as you are! I'll be checkin in ok?!?!?

from bubaloo :

my poor girls are all bummed tonight. It's kinda making me sad, hang in there sweetie...

from lissacakes :

Owie. Owie. Owie. It hurts, I know. I so feel for you. They act like they like you so much... don't call. They say they'll call... don't call. They make you fall for them... then where are they at? Who knows what the hell his problem is? It's completely normal to feel how you do, not over-reacting at all. I keep on hoping that I will find someone who is balanced - they don't play these games but they aren't desperate and dependent either - and I tell myself that WHEN I find this person, the others that were so random and annoying will serve a purpose: they will make me realize how wonderful the right one is. Hell, I don't know H. He could be right, but I'm just thinkin'... there is a right one. There is! There is!

from lissacakes :

I will just have to LISTEN till she wears herself out. Oh, this neighbor boy intrigues me. exciting. It's just too hard to be perfect all the time - you're entitled to freak-outs. Makes life more interesting anyway.

from lissacakes :

Oh, another note - I am spamming you. First, MUST MUST MUST tell about cute boy. Second, unfortunately, his friends are total carnivores. So, Rob will be stuck eating only the side dishes.

from lissacakes :

Oh, I didn't think you were saying anything bad, but it would be confusing. Different names for each of my moods... I laughed out loud when I saw you'd quoted Billy Collins... I remember the limp penis story. But that was awesome. That was such a creative way to describe the kind of relationship we've all experienced. I have to check out a Billy Collins book for the typewriter/penis comparison you'd told us about, if for nothing else.

from lissacakes :

I hope you are right!!! Well, he asked me to go with him to his friend's house for Easter... H: negative: he said "friends." positive: he said he was glad you opened up to HIM. And, friends doesn't have to mean that's all he feels, right? What other word could he use without having to go out on a limb and risk rejection from you?

from bubaloo :

there is nothing wrong at all with being a little crazy.... "when your young, you get sad, when you're young, you get sad, you get high...." whooooo!!! Oh, that was a ryan adams lyric by the way. Hang in there sweetie, you are doing just fine....

from bubaloo :

ok, now try this! Do it in front of a whole bar full of people waiting to be musically entertained! ugh! Some of my worst days are the morning after drunken shows.... "I did what? An Iron Maiden bass solo while the bass player tuned my guitar because I was too drunk?" ouch.... and that's a funny one, I won't get into the yelling matches or fights...lol

from lissacakes :

You're so cute. Cheese helps me through tough times as well, particularly paired with wine... or in the form of cheesecake. I'm sosososo sorry! I think H will just kind of blow it off as you were super-drunk, cuz who hasn't been there?

from bubaloo :

hmmm, I now know why I love you so much! You are fucken' crazy! And Dramatic! my favorite things in a woman (well, a couple of them, the others I'll leave to your imagination). Doug sounds like he wasn't getting what he wanted from you so he took off. He knew you were there mainly to see him and when it didn't work out that way he split. from what you have written about H, he isn't probably going to think one way or the other, he's a moron. Anyway, there's my two cents, you rock!

from lissacakes :

Yikes! Feels good to let off a little steam. I wonder if Douglas did that because you didn't stay the night? Well, it'll be telling to see what H does when you see him, huh?

from lissacakes :

Oh, Pix, I did it. I confronted El Toro and I have my answer, though it is a wishy-washy one. Can't wait to hear about Douglas when you get back home!

from lissacakes :

Whatever happens... have fun, have fun, have fun.

from lissacakes :

I am confused. Did something bad happen with H? Or, is it just that nothing really good happened, either? :(

from pixystix303 :

Yeah life is weird like that! Well he just called me again I am babysitting he's saying LJ could never love me like he does...sooo confused stupid drama! Well anyone you know love to read dramatic soap operas fill em in! Thx for noting its really helpful!

from bubaloo :

Pixie, you DO have a mean streak in you! Poor A....

from pixystix303 :

WoW I hope YoUr TrIp GoEs WeLL GoOd LuCk WiTh ThE ExPeRiMeNt I HoPe ThInGs Go WeLL FoR YoU My LiFe Is A DoWnHiLL TrAinWrEcK! HoPe ThInGs Get BeTTeR SooN!

from lissacakes :

Not this weekend but next weekend, tentatively. Mr. Anal-retentive was going to mark each place he thought we should go on a map and look for clusters. Then, we/he would decide on which cluster to attack first. Yes, I am serious. So, methodical. Is it weird that I find this sexy? He said he's anxious and excited. Me too! Me too!

from lissacakes :

I think this is one of your most splendid ideas yet!

from meganwaits :

Good luck on your trip and with Doug. Hope they are sweet memories.

from lissacakes :

Kinda friend is a total, whiny, freaky loser. I can't believe I let myself be seen playing dominoes with him by chb. That probably totally fucked with my mojo. When I was in there with non-whiny, non-freaky El Toro! I was much more interesting. Anyway, OVER chb. UNDER El Toro. Tee-hee, I wish. H, H, H. Like a disease, but a disease you wanna catch.

from pixystix303 :

Wow I understand the distance thing believe me...I have never really dated a guy near me...it is just to hard. Yeah I really enjoyed reading so maybe I'll stop by again! Thx for the entertaining entries!

from lissacakes :

Oh, I so should lay off on the El Toro time, but everytime I decide not to call him, he calls me. I have Vegas next weekend, then he and I are supposed to go on a mini-trip (which maybe will answer some questions), then I have some writing workshops on weekends... so, the point, I have some other stuff coming up to look forward to besides him. Healthier that way, hopefully.

from lissacakes :

I'm still rooting for J.

from bubaloo :

I'm wondering if part of the attraction to Doug is cuz he's not there in front of you all the time? I'm very much like that... It's easier for me to be in love with someone thousands of mile away than someone who's maybe down the street....

from lissacakes :

woopsie... left you a note on my own notes page.

from lissacakes :

all's fair in love and... oh, life is about moments not endings, so it may be worth starting something with him, but you'd probably be happier with someone who was on the same page as you???

from lissacakes :

like and simultaneously wish I'd learn not to center my life on that feeling

from lissacakes :

nice...

from lissacakes :

Thank you. When I TRY to write a poem, it's heinous, I totally believe in "inspiration." I've read the first poem twice... to mixed reviews. The second one... I think I'm taking it to class next week, and may read it at a poetry reading at school in April. If I can't bring myself to tell him, I'll just tell EVERYONE else!

from bubaloo :

Pixie, How was your birthday? Savannah is a cool town. I had a girlfriend from there. Even though I'm not too happy with southern folk lately I think that I could enjoy living there.

from lissacakes :

I say, if you want artsy boys go to SCAD. If you want sciency boys and businessy boys, in addition to artsy boys... then go to a big university. Just kidding... kinda. :)

from lissacakes :

What is SCAD?

from bubaloo :

Pixie, Happy Birthday! If I was there I would bust into the beatle's birthday song for ya! Hope you are having a great day!

from lissacakes :

In about 20 minutes you will be 22 in Phoenix, too... What the hell, Happy Birthday! Though I don't actually know ya, I can't imagine you being second fiddle to this silly girl. Maybe you can put her off on visiting indefinitely and she'll drop it. It's hard to just completely cut out people from back home, because when you're back visiting it's always nice to have someone to walk down memory lane with. That's kind of selfish I suppose, but it's about all the majority of my high school friends would be good for.

from bubaloo :

Pixie, sometimes you are just the sweetest mess of a girl. It's a hard thing when you've known people that long and you go in different directions. I feel for you, it's a tough decision, but it sounds like this decision has been coming for a long time. Good luck sweetie, hugs~~bub

from lissacakes :

The adjective part is singular: muy caliente... es/esta... depends on how you mean. Es would mean he IS all the time. Esta would mean its a conditional/ transitory thing, like a mood. To confuse matters, I mean caliente as in sexy (so it'd be "es"), but in slang I guess it means horny (so it'd be "esta")! German's cool. I took a year of Russian, but only remember how to say: I love vodka.

from lissacakes :

Every year at their Halloween carnival, my brothers won two gold fish. Every year, one would get too fat and die. Then the next day, the other would leap from the bowl and kill themself out of lonliness. Be warned that goldfish are suicidal and often lead to heartache. Oh, poor Goldy and Mustafa.

from bubaloo :

That's a good idea. Now you have to remember, that it's ok to eat the tomatoes, but not the goldfish. I know how you feel now about sushi. Love the fish, feed the fish, don't eat the fish!

from lissacakes :

Well, it doesn't appear as if my plan worked. No El Toro notes, e-mails, or professions of undying love. Hmmm... what is the balcony boy's problem? No tomatoes for him!

from bubaloo :

Hmmm, yeah, that was actually quite thoughtful of him to take you to a restaurant that he probably didn't care for. Got to give him a couple of points for that. If I went on a date to a sushi restaurant that would mean I am totally smitten with someone. lol blech!

from lissacakes :

oooo, Chicago sounds so cool. I'm thinking grad school at University of Chicago... yeah, after I win the lottery. It's so great that H took you on a real date, even if you don't want to pursue anything with him, you are so wonderful that even that ass had to realize and take you out as you deserve to be taken out! I think we may have had the same ex-boyfriend! I totally fall into that liking someone for liking me, too, and then I feel like I owe them something for actually liking me. Don't you love the butterflies feeling? All the anxiety? It's so much fun. I think that if you walk into somewhere and of all the people you like fixate on one, there's got to be an intuitive reason. Like you see something in them beyond their looks, somehow. I'm so sentimental.

from bubaloo :

Ummm.....The windows were wide open? Where I live, and the way she was screaming, and the chance that my roomate could walk in at anytime, it was pretty public. I'm saving actual sex in a public place for you. lol

from bubaloo :

yeah, I always try to take mental snap shots when I realize that I am involved in something special.

from lissacakes :

Wow. How perfect. Very nice. I love that entry.

from lissacakes :

I think its time you visit the bookstore again! :)

from lissacakes :

I'm not sure he's what I want, though. He's by all outward accounts BETTER (great job, great apt, mature, responsible) than my ideal (younger artist/musician/writer boy), but if my ideal came along, I would want him and not Rob. (So maybe its not fair to even go after him.) Someone like coffeehouse boy... but that actually wanted me back. Someone like this J boy. I'm going boy-checking-out tonight to help clear my head on the Rob topic.

from lissacakes :

sounds like lots of fun, anyway. i'm so proud of you for not going home with him. not that going home with him would be wrong, but just that you are thinking about saving yourself from hurt. you are a stronger person than me. well, maybe H will still come through on the birthday thing... and, good for D!

from lissacakes :

Okay, we must know: did you go, did you go?

from bubaloo :

awww, just kick him in the nuts, hard, period! I'm just violent sometimes......

from lissacakes :

Awww, I would totally go. And I would press him on, "so what are we doing for my birthday?" If he says you can come over to his place, kick him in the nuts - hard.

from lissacakes :

I would totally call him just because I'd be dying of curiousity. But, hopefully he's calling because he wants you, and you can bring yourself to shoot him down for being such a bastard.

from bubaloo :

Memo to management: With all due apologies, we as employees feel that it is not only our right, but our moral duty to drink, fraternize, nap, and take glass shards to the ass to help us deal with the never-ending rules and regulations that we as employees must endure from management. P.S. Phil said in lieu of flowers, a nice comfy pillow for his buttocks would suffice.

from lissacakes :

That was hilarious. I don't know how 'Phil' got glass shards in his ass, but I have some ideas. And, frankly, I don't feel he deserves flowers after such behavior.

from lissacakes :

awww, like your new profile. dessert idea: i was going on about fruit salad last night (i never stop with the damn fruit salad) and that's when he asked when i was making him dinner. i think maybe it'd be good over pound cake (it's a thick, creamy, sweet, sticky mess) with some whipped cream on top (i wish i could "make" whipped cream, but i always end up with butter). geez, i'm really hungry.

from lissacakes :

Yeah, I also figured Doug got a name as a symbol of his special-ness (once I figured out that he and the infamous "D" were NOT one in the same). Well, if you come up with a cutesy name for him just post it and we'll keep up. :)

from bubaloo :

hey, How come Doug actually got a name? lol He must be SPECIAL!!!! What's horrid is Doug is my roomate's name and that's all I can picture...blech!

from brutalyoga :

long distances are the bane of love. i am familiar with how lonely tears dropping into new wine glasses can feel. when i comes to cheese...... give me some water crackers, thinly sliced crisp green apple, and some jarlsburg. the best cheese is sometimes the hardest to spell, yet easiest to smell.

from lissacakes :

The sunflowers sound great. The salad sounds great. Yum. Maybe some olives and feta cheese. Double yum. I think I will go buy some flowers later this week. Something yellow. Don't know what yet. Oh, how nice it would be to stick a flower behind my ear. Maybe so.

from lissacakes :

Hmmm, I left college and my friends and cute little brothers and the beach and LA and SD for a boy, in exchange for a little hick town that didn't even have traffic signals and where everything closes at 6. I'm glad I had the experience, but only now that it's over and only because I was able to go back to school. Even if he had been the right boy, I think I would have regretted leaving college more and more as time went by. How much longer do you have in school? Two years? Can you hold out and then move back home and see if it's what you want? You can have a degree and never use it, but its still an awesome thing to realize you have.... Maybe you will keep going home to visit Doug and then your parents will be pleased with seeing you more and not guilt trip about never visiting. Two birds with one stone.

from bubaloo :

Pixie, what I do when I get into something like you are experiencing is asking myself this... Love is great, but is it worth throwing away everything that you have been working towards. Ask yourself this, picture being with him a year from now, 10 years from now, if you can, well, that may be your answer right there. Take care, hugs~~bub

from bubaloo :

{{{{{{PIXIE}}}}}}! I am so glad you are back! If I was there I would run up to you, tackle you, and give you the biggest hug in the world! What I'm trying to say is that I miss ya. I'm glad you had a good time back home. It's been a little crazy over this way. I'm sorrry that your apartment seems so lonely. Maybe you are a little homesick right now. Hang in there!

from lissacakes :

Hope you are enjoying your Spring Break at your parents' and drinking margaritas on the beach.

from lissacakes :

yes screw clothes... bookstorebookstorebookstore... great window shopping there

from lissacakes :

may I suggest wearing your most favorite outfit, spending entirely too much time doing hair/make-up/whatever, going window shopping, and trying on ridiculous things you would never wear. that's so much fun.

from bubaloo :

Lissa in the valley of the sun, me in America's finest city, and we're both freezing our asses off! What's up with that? Anyway, Here is what you tell A. Don't spare feelings. If you spare his feelings he will never go away. "A, I'm dying from a rare, communicable sexual disease...." No, wait, that's what I say, not you! lol Try this one, sometimes it works, it's a little thing I heard about long ago, it's called the ..... truth! TELL him all the things that you have been writing in your journal (except the whole "pathetic" part. That's just overkill. He's going to feel pathetic after you tell him this anyway. You don't need to rub it in.) The thing is, by just avoiding him, and breaking dates with him, I know this is going to sound crazy, but you're leading him on. Guys are just stupid like that. So are girls too, now that I think about it. Instead of looking at the big picture, the being ditched, the answering machine always on, we look for one small glimmer of hope. Again, the human condition. Everytime you DO talk to him, you give him hope. Everytime you show up, even if you ask disinterested, it gives him hope. You must snuff out all hope.

from lissacakes :

damn...84 degrees...i'm jealous, i'm supposed to be living in "the valley of the sun" and its cold and rainy and my toes are well, my toes are just freezing.

from lissacakes :

can't believe your stupid ex. have to wonder about some people's thought processes. thanks for your note. i tell myself that later it will be all part of what made me me. i feel better having vented.

from lissacakes :

J sounds like my coffee boy. I want you to get J so bad. I wish I could have coffee boy, waaaaa, even for a test drive. A sounds like some dumbass I met on New Year's eve, but my dumbass stopped calling after a month of being blown off. I didn't have to tell him anything. I stopped answering or returning his calls at all, though. Which is mean, but I'm immature, no denying it. Bub is probably right, but that's so hard to do. Well, we should ask Bub HOW he thinks you should break this to A, in his male opinion...

from bubaloo :

ummm, do A a favor and tell him that you don't have any romantic interest in him. He's just hanging on like a puppy dog and I feel sorry for him. Now, do me a favor and kick D right in the fuckin' nuts! He is totally using you to get some kind of sick revenge on his ex. If I was there I would have already taken care of this for you, cuz I'm down with my homies like dat! And fantasies, I love them, reality never quite measures up. That's a damn shame.

from bubaloo :

awww, I thought that was so cute, I could have just dropped dead then. That's exactly what I thought when she said it. Then she said some other things that made my jaw hit the ground! LOL

from lissacakes :

Ack, what are you going to do about A? I don't envy you there.

from bubaloo :

margaritas....on the beach.....must....come...back... Whooo, where was I? Well, since you are giving up your wonderful dream of law school, I will give up my wonderful dream of an underage girl. I'm moving to France, goddammit! I thought that was part of the percs of being a rock star...shit.

from lissacakes :

bub is right. there's tons of people smart enough (or in some cases, money hungry enough) to be lawyers, but not so many who really, really love/live/feel art.

from bubaloo :

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Go with your passion, you will regret it later on if you don't. You will touch as many people pursuing your passions as you will doing the whole "right" thing. AND, you will be a much happier person for it. That's personal experience talking, now if I can just follow my own advice. But on the other hand, a guy like me can always use a good lawer....

from lissacakes :

I have very little computer skill. There's all these sites where very talented people let you download their templates. Mine is from www.ms-dicks.com/design. There's another similar girl, a blond one with lots of stars. Yeah, I've known my best friend since we were 11. We finish each other's sentences and all that.

from lissacakes :

Nope 6/20, so its literally impossible that we were separated at birth, but you may ask if a slightly older sister was given up for adoption once... I'll ask my mother as well. :)

from lissacakes :

Is 03/23 your birthday???

from lissacakes :

I so understand. I took a year off after my freshman year, finally stuck with my third major, and went to three colleges. Finally, I graduated only one semester "late," but with so many more memories and having lived two more places than all my "on-time" friends. So, you decided to shake things up a bit and do it a bit differently than them. Go you. Is working part time/ going to grad school part time an option? On marriage: it totally seems people decide to marry first, go seeking a partner second. You've got the right idea. The right guy should trigger thoughts of marriage, not the other way around.

from lissacakes :

She is a very large woman with warts all over her body who snorts when she laughs. I think I may hire someone to rough her up.

from lissacakes :

Now, I must read Billy Collins. I think there are some poems in my text for class. Yes, I will do so. I'm pissy b/c some dumbass who goes before me in my poetry class is gonna do Gluck for some report and she doesn't even like her. The nerve. I was gonna do Gluck. I'm very close to stomping my feet and pouting.

from bubaloo :

Isn't it wonderful when you get one up on the kiss-asses of the world! Good for you, maybe talking about Collin's penis was your quota for "boys" today. bye~~bub

from bubaloo :

it's not your fault Lissa, with all these letters I am starting to get confused...lol. D's a piece of shit, dude! But it all matters what you want from him. I think it's D.... ummm, the one that kissed you that has a girfriend. oooooh, my head hurts. Would you want your boyfriend kissing some other girl? I think not. Unless, of course, if you were there, and you wanted him to kiss her...but I digress... and don't run over old ladies gawking at cute guys... that's my job, I mean cute girls of course. hugs~~b

from lissacakes :

oops, I hate when I realize my typos like hours later...I think you said that in regards to H. H, not A.

from lissacakes :

Oh, A... Hmmm...no matter how intelligent, or even cute they may be, I'm always a little put off when I KNOW how they feel about me right away. Mystery goes a long way... I think you said this before in regards to A: I know you only appreciate what you have to work for.

from lissacakes :

thanx! it was nice to log in today and see encouraging words. i miss california, so i think it could be good. plus then i get a chance to up and leave another place dramatically, which is always fun. :) i can come back to phx later, or go elsewhere.

from bubaloo :

Don't ya get it, Pix? You are doomed to a miserable, just out of reach existence. Why? The main reason is that we are Ryan Adams fans. We long for getting our heart broke. We live for constant dissapointment. Might as well revel in it, don't ya think? Lift your glass up to the one that got away. Cheers to Mr. or Mrs. Wrong, they are who we seek to make us feel alive in all it's raw, aching glory. Hugs~~ bub

from bubaloo :

I was wondering what's going to happen when you run out of letters of the alphabet? D2, AA, hmmm.... Sounds like D is a playah! lates~~ B.

from lissacakes :

I think SHE needs to think I hate her...professional martyr syndrome. When I told her that I don't hold any grudges because the past isn't important to my life now, she goes, well if I don't mean anything to you!... Sigh, no winning with some people! I'm so like her, but I drive her crazy, that's the best revenge anyway.

from bubaloo :

why? WHY? So we have more great stuff to read that's why!!!!! Do it for us... throw another log on the fire! lol And it was funny, right as I was reading your note... _____ IMm'ed me! But I ignored her, cuz I'm a dick like that! She pisses me off anyway, too flaky! Coming from me, that's pretty flaky!!!

from lissacakes :

YES, ALWAYS! My new mantra, in fact.

from lissacakes :

Only people who know they are capable of pulling it off procrastinate that badly. Others work steadily an hour a day for weeks and end up with crap. You'll do it. You can do it.

from bub66ohm :

hey Pixie! I have internet access again! And I'm changin' my diary, look for bubaloo, I'll just start over fresh.... boo hooo!!!

from lissacakes :

"...It was enough and it no longer involved you..." So, you like Chagall and Gluck, what next? Wait a second, what hospital were you born in?! Haha. Take care.

from lissacakes :

hmmm, the website can be a clusterfuck. the one's i'm talking about are found under "series" and its the "basic art series." good luck with A!

from lissacakes :

Oh, I forgot: there's this line of books by Taschen on various artists. They are paperback, small, an easy read, with good quality color pictures, and they are cheap. If you haven't seen any of them, you should check them out. www.taschen.com. And, I really like "The Rooster," too.

from lissacakes :

I don't remember that from Notting Hill, but then I learned of Marc Chagall three years ago, and only saw Notting Hill once - possibly before learning of Chagall. I had to look up "La Mariee" on the internet. It is gorgeous. His art is so distinguishable. I love the goat, too. Everything is so whimsical. The floating husband twisting around the wife, the rooster in the corner, the peaceful village in the background. To me, his art is like a visual representation of what butterflies in your stomach feel like (what I get from "The Birthday" and "The Bride and Groom of the Eiffel Tower"). But it can also be contentment. My favorite is Le Champ de Mars. Its such a beautiful, dreamlike thing. It is contentment to me. The one time I'd say I really loved someone and it was pure, not about games a la Finance Boy - ironically in the art class I learned about Chagall in - I thought it felt how these look.

from lissacakes :

That's so cool! No one ever knows who that is and then I've gotta get out a book and show em and have an art history class with em... alota work for me! :) He really brings out the part of me that hopes soul mates and true love and all that nonsense IS possible. And I love his colors.

from bub66ohm :

H is a dumbass. Lose him. He's just fuckin with you now. Get over on him before he starts to get over on you. Sometimes it just feels better to be the first one to break it off! lol. Then come to san diego, I'll take care of ya! lol bye!

from lissacakes :

H sucks ass. Just reading about his foolishness is pissing me off. Where are the decent letters of the alphabet hiding themselves? Oh, I don't know what I'm saying. If they don't like me, I get pissy, and if they do I think they must be a clingy freak! Well, let us all know if you find one, that way we'll know if they're out there.

from bub66ohm :

That is so true, pix! I never, ever date girls that have the same musical taste, interests, or anything like me. Except maybe for getting loaded like me. Or havin' sex like me. Maybe that's the common denominator between them all. Believe me, I'm always looking for the common denominator. Bye!

from lissacakes :

Yes, and I've finally cracked him in two, so to speak. Grand fun.

from lissacakes :

exciting

from bub66ohm :

Hey sweetness, just catchin' up on your diary, haven't had internet access for a couple of weeks. Ya durn got man problems, don't cha missy? Hang in there sweetie, big hugs to ya!

from lissacakes :

My V Day plans included vodka, tonic, and lime wedges, but I think I will take a cue from you and get a bottle of wine - treat myself to a romantic evening with Edna St. Vincent Millay.

from lissacakes :

You are too cute! I may have not freaked too much then, but I've been quite the spaz since! I pretended to be so confident so now it's probably baffling to him why every time he opens his mouth to speak to me, I do something weird - I call them involuntary spastic body movements. He either thinks I hate him or I'm crazy, for sure. Well, I don't hate him even though he fits the definition of DOG from what I've heard. As far as J, I'm kind of partial to the "save me from financial ruin," but I always choose creativity over effectiveness... perhaps why I am alone! :) Oh, he'll so want to get coffee. Cute!

from lissacakes :

This is gonna be loooong. First, I love the Whitman quote. Makes me think of so many others I love... Yeah, the coffee boy/ poem thing is all entirely true. So, I am a hero, awesome... Everyone loves that I did that, but truthfully it wasn't as brave as it seems. I'd been peptalking myself for a couple weeks about doing that, so I was all frantic -as I tend to get- and knew there was no way to feign normalcy again till I just got it out of the way. So, I'm "that girl" who left chb a poem, but he was really very flattered and he certainly remembers me, so as silly as I feel, I'd do it again and again and again if I had it to do over. I think I left out the funniest part of the story: the fact that (I'm told) I then ran out the door and got halfway across the street before I realized my friend Rob was still in the doorway, watching, waiting for him to read it. From the center of the street, I heard coffee girl exclaim, "She wrote you a poem?!" increduously. So, yep, "that girl." I like to say I power-walked, can't bear to picture myself running. How to ask out J? I was gonna tell a Borders boy that he needed to go out with me so I could stop coming in twice a week and buying books and CD's I can't afford, but I got caught up with a Finance boy first and never did. Once he asked me if I needed help, and I said yes and walked away. My legs work independent of my head. That didn't work; don't do that. I guess there's the old standby of asking him when he gets off work and coffee's safe, since you've seen him in a coffeehouse drinking it (I think I remember that). Hopefully, there'll be an entry soon on that! That was so adorable...how he tripped twice...oh, I want a new infatuation! Good luck!

from lissacakes :

Oh, and yeah, go see J. I have a thing for bookstore boys, too!

from lissacakes :

Oh, I'm sure no one can say anything in the little notes section to make you feel better, but sometimes it's just good to cry, as much as it makes you feel like a silly little girl. At times, I plan ahead and schedule my cry time. As I drive up to my house, I'll feel it coming on. I almost don't get inside the door. Now that may fall under the pathetic category. At least it helps relieve stress. As far as guys not calling, I always fall into the trap of trying to figure out why. Then one day, I had someone confront me with my own flaky behavior and all their contrived explanations for it. They were dead wrong and it really upset me that they thought every reaction I had in my life had to do with them. The moral of the story: I try not guess at others motivations because they surely have shit going on I don't know about. And I try not to insert myself into explanations for their behavior because I don't know if it really has to do with me at all. What's my point? I think I forgot. Oh, crying is good. And, maybe he didn't call because he got sidetracked, or busy, or is trying to be "cool." Maybe it has nothing to do with his feelings for you.

from bub66ohm :

Oh no! Did someone mention the L word? Don't make me come to wherever you are in this world and shake ya. LOL Now I know you're a ryan adams fan. Hang in there sweetie!

from lissacakes :

Good advice. Thank you. He is a real friend, so I think when we do talk about this, he won't bail. But I don't think things will change drastically. I'm just seeing the weenie side of him all of a sudden that I didn't know was there. I'm disappointed in him. Oh, well...I'll just have to get out there and find more coffeehouse, artwalk, IHOP, book store, barhoppin' sidekicks. And he can be happy sitting in his apartment twiddling thumbs with his girlfriend, since she doesn't like to do anything he does. Humph! Again, good advice. Thanks! Isn't it a good sign that "H" invited you to that party? That he wants to do something vertical - in public - with his friends there? :)

from bub66ohm :

damn, pixie!!! Your last note was hot! lol You must be way up in it!!! I'm glad that you are having fun, keep letting all of us pathetic loser-types filled in. Oh, and by the way, I was talking about me performing oral sex on the first date. Why do girls think they are the only ones that enjoy "goin' down!" That's one of my favorite things to do. But then a blow job wouldn't be out of the question...lol

from bub66ohm :

LMFAO, OOOOOHHHHH pixxxxx!!! You are deep up in it! Doesn't it suck? Hope that it all works out for ya, my little sweetie! How's that whiskeytown song go? "Excuse me, while I break my own heart, tonight..." I'm kinda jealous. I would love for someone to make me feel like that. Well, kinda. Actually a little scared. Probably too guarded. Oh well, I will suffer vicariously with you...bye!

from bub66ohm :

and I wouldn't spend over $200, although I don't know what part of the county you are and things could be more expensive where you are. The guitar I play live with only cost me about $150 and it sounds great. Just look for something that you like and feels comfortable. DON'T take a guitar just because it's pretty. LOL. One of my best friends did that. It's a beautiful guitar but it sounds and plays like shit. And it cost her over 300 dollars! She didn't ask. She's not smart like you. ;)

from bub66ohm :

Hey you! Good to hear that you have found someone that you are compatible with and can have great sex with. Double bonus! Whoo-hooo! Yeah, A sounds like a dud and it's the worst thing in the world to have to worry about what the person you are with is thinking about your tastes in stuff. As far as guitars go, I would say go to a local shop (ask friends that are musicians where a good one is that will help you and not just try to sell ya a bunch of shit!) brb..lol have to use the phone, emergency!

from lissacakes :

So many boys. I am jealous. May I live through you vicariously?

from pixie0323 :

well, the world is just a fucked up place then, isn't it? (because we can't take over) all i want to do is put birth contol in the water and hire snipers to weed out the stupid people. is that really so bad? i think not! thanks for the sweet comment. it's been a hell of a month, let me tell you, and it doesn't look like it's slowing down any time soon. oh hey. . .do you have any advice for me because i'm really thinking about buying and acoustic guitar and i don't know what to look for. and price range too? thanks!

from bub66ohm :

Fortunately, they will never allow people like us to rule the world, pixers! Could you imagine everyone just going around doing whatever they want whenever they want? Nope, only a select few of us get to live that kind of life. Oh, and I have a song for YOU! oh, oh, here she comes, watch out boy she'll eat you up, oh, oh, here she comes, she's a MANIZER! Damn girl, you have taken the lead here in the first month. You go!

from bub66ohm :

Maybe honesty isn't the best policy if he is real sensitive. Personally, I would be relieved if the girl I was sleeping with didn't want to stay the night. Sometimes I go to bed alone but I never wake up lonely. But if he's sensitive ya might hurt his feelings. Tell him you snore real bad or ya have flatulence when you sleep! I dare ya! I double-dog dare ya !

from bub66ohm :

begging is a bad sign, or maybe you're just really hot!! lol Dont you hate that? The feelings thing that is. I feel the same way about _____. great sex, good to hang out with, but none of that... blam!!!!! I want some of that knock me into the next row, make my heart beat out of my chest kind of feelings. Unfortunately, seems like the only time I get that is with the one that's goin to break my heart.

from tcklyrpharsn :

aww thanks. man, the boys are just as annoying as can be. silly boys! ;)

from bub66ohm :

No kidding, I'm kinda in the same mood myself. I don't want to be a womanizer, I just want... argh, I'm going to talk about it in my next entry.

from bub66ohm :

hmmm... a name? I was trying to not give her a name so as not to jinx the whole thing. OK, I will name her. Her new name is Pixie! lol. By the way, seems you got a little lucky last week yourself if I'm not mistaken, MANIZER!

from cryondemand :

Thanks for the note! You're right, we do seem to have some interests in common. (ie. you've got good taste in music!) I'm totally going to have to get that Patty Griffin album. Anyway, I'll be back to read more of your diary. Thanks again for the note.

from bub66ohm :

Amazing how a little nookie can change our perspective on life, I know I always seem to feel fresher and more positive, that's for damn sure! bye!

from bub66ohm :

Wow! Check you out! I try and use my psychic abilities only for good.... I also hate when I find out things about myself that maybe I don't find so attractive in others... and Kathleen Edwards is da bomb, baby! How 'bout "hockey skates?"

from bub66ohm :

ummm....obviously I'm not big on social graces, but it sounds to me like you are going into post date territory b4 u even go on a real date. His apartment? hmmn.. lol, Here's a line I like to use, I believe it's from a Chevy Chase movie, "Hey _____, I really have something I need to discuss with you. Maybe we could go back to my house, you could get comfortable, and I can fill ya in." Of course, it never works...lol, guess that's why I'm such a lonely, miserable, god-forsaken creature...

from tcklyrpharsn :

sorry to double-note you, but I was just reading your rant on dubya. I watched a great talk by Noam Chomsky this evening called "Distorting Morality: War on Terrorism?" which was actually given before the present situation in Iraq. He makes a lot of interesting points and certainly opens some eyes regarding U.S. foreign policy. There are some great zingers to pull out at parties, if you're interested. Ahhh Chomsky!

from tcklyrpharsn :

Oh, if I had a dollar... glad to hear of your departmental fun. Those wine and cheese thingies get you where it hurts.

from dramoth :

Thanks for taking my quiz! I really appreciate it, particularly your open comment. What bias did you perceive in the questions? That I am pro-, or anti-? I'm curious to know, since I did deliberately write the questions to incite emotional and verbal response. Thanks again!

from fargahar :

thanks for taking my survey!!!! :)

from bub66ohm :

Beer has wonderful mystic powers that transform me from a shy and kinda quiet to the life of the pary. I'll admit it, I love beer pretty much more than anything, I think it's good for your hair too!

from bub66ohm :

love someone as much as beer? hmmm.. interesting.

from bub66ohm :

Hey pixie! Thanks for adding me to your list, I love ryan adams too! Not in the "I want to have sex with him" kinda way, but the... awwww hell, you know what I mean! Yeah we have alot of the same likes, you must be miserable also! I'll be checkin' on ya..bye!

from lynseysam :

Yeah I love Damian Rice what I've heard from him anyway, he has a video where he's sat on a stool in a reccording studio and it's black and white and a girl sings with him anyway I like the song from that Video :)

from lynseysam :

Hi can I add you I just discoverd Ryan Adams' music and love it Gold is amazing:)

from moonlitehope :

*smile* thank you...it was an honor to be your first note leaver...ne ways, ill talk to you later...buh bye...

from moonlitehope :

hello there...i stumbled upon you and thought i'd say hello...hello...ok, yeah...im going to go now...*excited to be your first note* *smile* ok...now im really going...buh bye...

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