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shan2b : |
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Thanks for the message/ post you left for me Shannon. I have read it many times, and 100% believe it. You have achieved so much, and I gain strength from that more often than I could ever tell you. I love you dearly and you are by far the best friend I have had or could ask for. Hopefully one day my journey lands me in a place worthy of that and we can grow old, being simply friends. It's my work to do to get there, and there is no denial on my part that way. Happy Holidays to you and your family and all the love in the world I wish to you Shan. I apologize for all of this being harder than expected at the moment... but it will pass one day. Kisses to my turtle baby.
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| from
shan2b : |
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Shannon, as much as I love you this just made a decision for me. And by no means is it your thing, it's mine. I am at work, I left you tonight and had to come back to work, like I knew I would really. Anyway, I am paying horrid amount for therapy right now in an attempt to STOP, and I am dealing with the new stage you are in positively for either of us.
I can't do this anymore, and that is my hangup. I have barely seen you much in 3 years... handful of times really. At this point as much as I love you and Everly and jeff... I can't do this anymore. I am so very tired and that is very much my fault, but the way I deal with that is also my responsibility. You and I have no constuctive balance with this really... one day we will but not now.
I love you shan, and I hope you get beyond this soon. For you.
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| from
shanmeid : |
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I'm terribly sorry to hear about your loss. It's never easy losing a loved one. My dad lost his sister many years ago and our family has never been the same. I truly understand what your family must be feeling. My thoughts are with everyone of you. Take care! ((hugs))
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| from
shan2b : |
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I knew it. Known it for a long time actually. Stop kidding yourself Shannon and get help with this NOW. I won't say more, since it will fuel things I think, but you need to stop... now... way before now!
:(
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| from
emaciana : |
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mommy and baby classes! how fun!
what is everly's schedule like? eating, sleeping, etc... i'm just trying to compare zach's to other babies' and see.
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| from
shanmeid : |
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Wow... life is really progressing for you! Little Everly, new house... everything is just bigger and better ;) Enjoy the happiness in motherhood! Love and Live! <3
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| from
shan2b : |
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that came out wrong, I meant I no longer want to be the toxic ED friend... to you I mean. It just feels so wrong and I want you to stay healthy and happy like you have been. It is so hard to read you focusing on numbers again Shan, it brings tears to my eyes. So that is what I meant, that I don't want to be a toxic friend to you with my own ED related entries here. I hope that makes sense? I am sure I am not explaining it well.
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| from
shan2b : |
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I love you like few Shannon, but I can no longer do this. so comfortable again, but not comfortable enough to actually ask or respond to me for a year. I love Everly and you with all my heart, but I WILL NOT SURVIVE ANOTHER ROUND OF THIS.
You will always be the most caring and wonderful mother and teacher, so graceful and thin and perfect. You will always be beautiful. You have taught me so much, I look up to you and always will.
I never wanted to compete with that, but I am reminded of all I am not constantly and always have not been. I no longer want friends, I no longer want more than takes my minimal focus away from what is MOST important. Hard to write, but you know as well as me it's healthier if we move well apart?I am deciding to refuse to be toxic for the people i love the most, and those that can be just fine despite the stuff that happens between friends.
I love you Shan and you know that, but ED friends do enough damage and I always want to hold responsibility for myself, as should you.
*kiss*
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| from
emaciana : |
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i wish i had the time/energy for cloth diapering. good for you!
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| from
shanmeid : |
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congratulations... i'm really so proud of you! sorry it's taken this long to read, but it was definately worth it. may everly bring you much joy and happiness! <3
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| from
emaciana : |
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i just caught up on your birth story and everything. sorry it took so long! wow, she's doing great. 11 lbs at 6 weeks. what was her birth weight? lucky you, you didn't tear! congrats on mommyhoood!
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| from
shan2b : |
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Awww Shan, I do get your fears and frustrations. I love you so so much and love Everly like wow. You are so so so so so amazing, and I hope you see that soon.
I love you and am hear even if just to vent at. :)
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| from
shanmeid : |
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hey hun... g'd luck with the rest of ur pregnancy! <3
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| from
emaciana : |
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that sounds exactly like what i had - the stabbing pains in my cervix in the last month.
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| from
emaciana : |
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wow, only 6 more weeks!
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| from
emaciana : |
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sounds like you're all set!!!
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| from
shanmeid : |
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i'm glad shan has a friend like u to confide in, who's been there and knows. i've bn noticing how sad she's become. i don't know her at all, besides from the forum, and i'm always worried for her. txs for being strong for her as a friend! <3
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| from
emaciana : |
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thanks so much for that info on the massage that you emailed me.
I'm glad that your pregnancy is easy so far. mine has been too. knock on wood!
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| from
emaciana : |
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have you started the perineal massage? i have 5.5 weeks to go until baby and i haven't started yet even though i plan on it soon. how did she say to do it? i haven't gotten any real instructions from anyone so i'm not sure.
are you not planning on having an epidural or anything?
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| from
emaciana : |
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you totally remind me of me when i was at 24 weeks. i didn't show barely at all and neither do you. those decisions are hard to make, like the whole thing with the carseats and sleeping arrangements, etc. i'm freaking out, i only have 6 weeks left!!!
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| from
shanmeid : |
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I've seen pictures of you and no, you're not ugly! And I'm not just saying it to make you feel better, I really do think that you are beautiful. I remember your wedding photo's and you are pretty. I'm so glad to hear how you and Jeff are resolving all those little things that keep coming up. It's such a huge relief when you get past the little things and you can concentrate on just loving eachother *hugs*
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| from
emaciana : |
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i know how you feel. i kept wanting stew to make a fuss over me. now i've gotten over it. i guess we're just not lucky that way to have guys who will pamper us extra because we're pregnant.
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| from
emaciana : |
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you're pretty close to where i am with weight. it's scary to see such a high number, eh?
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| from
shanmeid : |
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<3 so excited for you! <3
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| from
emaciana : |
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thanks for the reassurance about my sister. i hope we get close again. you're so lucky that friends of your guy are also having kids. you'll have people to talk to about pregnancy and your baby will have playmates! do you know if its a boy or a girl yet? also, i am superworried about gaining too much weight too.
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| from
shanmeid : |
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so glad he's come around... very happy for you hun'! ;)
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| from
shanmeid : |
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Hey hun' I'm sorry to hear things have been rough with the way he's been treating you. I'd think he would be as excited as you are! Some guys are just less interested I guess! I'm sure he'll come around though! <3
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| from
emaciana : |
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i was the same way. i'm still not showing at all but once i heard the heartbeat at my doctor's appointment, it made it so much more real for me.
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| from
emaciana : |
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wow, how far along are you? you're already wearing maternity style clothes!? don't worry the morning sickness will go away - 2nd trimester yay!
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| from
shanmeid : |
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=D extra big grin for you! <3 glad to hear how happy you are!
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| from
shanmeid : |
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congratulations ;) I haven't been getting a chance to read regularly but I'm so excited for you. Take care and lots of love! <3
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| from
emaciana : |
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for me morning sickness wasn't that bad. it felt like stomach flu or just like too much acid in my stomach. it wasn't really that bad so hopefully it's ok for you too. when are you due? i'm 14 weeks now.
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| from
shanmeid : |
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sorry to hear your sister is that way. my sis' is like that too. you never know when she'll twist something and use it against you in an act of war. it's actually so hard because even though I love her, I battle to confide in her. she can't keep things to herself and if you have an argument she'll repeat things just to hurt you. I know it's not her, it's some 'thing' that affects her. I think she's bpd but she refuses to see a dr. o' well, still love her anyway. but don't blame yourself. pls. you didn't do anything wrong to her and if she was curious about you going to the cottage she could have asked if you were and could she pls tag along. she's not 2 years old anymore! take care and hang in there <3
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| from
shanmeid : |
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hey, that's so embarrassing! hate when guys put their put in it and they don't even know... or they know and they act like they don't! careful with the b/p... you've been so healthy for so long and you know what you want, don't sabotage your happiness! <3
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| from
hbaybee : |
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Lookin for a diary review? Don't be silly, of course you are! Come to Hitlar Baybee Reviewz for the best review this side of the time-space continuum =D x
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| from
shan2b : |
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Shan, you really need to put some of these frustrations with Jeff's idea of comprimise in an email today. YOU NEED to be heard on this stuff! It is NOT fair that you stress to the point of depression about something and he will not budge to help releive that when he most CERTAINLY can. Part of getting healthy is learning to express these things Shan. Its part of what keep you sick... xoxo
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| from
shanmeid : |
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Thanks. It is really beautiful. I was totally shocked when he gave it to me. I had no idea what-so-ever. Designed it himself and had a friend make. It has real sentimental value too because the big diamond is from my grandmother. Yeah, the party was very relaxed. Braai (Barbecue) and salads. Just the way it's meant to be! <3
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| from
shanmeid : |
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hey, it sucks that life is like that sometimes... but face it, you wouldn't be normal if you were 100% happy all the time. You'd probably just be faking it or be a mindless halfwit ;) which we know you aren't! I think you're a great person and you really do have a lot to be thankful for. That's all you need to be happy about, being grateful for the little things that always go right! *big hugs*
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| from
shan2b : |
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Hey shan! I woke up with a HORRRIBLE tooth ache so I didn't go into work today. leaving for the dentist right now actually. I will talk with you tomorrow though! :D
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| from
anothercrazi : |
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thanks.. I appreciate that.. ironic as it may seem I feel protective of her too.. *sigh* the person she needed protecting from was me :S The only thing I can do now I guess ilike you say life my life.. and I really do feel free now, now the truth is out, theres nothing sick in my life for the first time in six years, and Im grabbing hold of my life with both hands. Shannon taught me a lot, she helped me grow my wings, and now I can fly.. Im just really sad for how much I hurt her, really really sad.
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| from
anothercrazi : |
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say it.. say whatever.. i was never not shannons friend.. i didnt ever not care.. i never DID bad things to her.. i screwed up - you never hurt anyone then with your illness? you couldnt make me feel any worse than i already do over my past... and you dont worry anymore than i do about her.. you think i MEANT to hurt her? im not that fucked up.. i loved.. still love.. shannon, and always will, and always always will be sorry for what ive done and hope she can get herself through this.. but take responsibility for her reaction to it i cant.. triggered it yes.. and feel guilty as hell over it yes.. but i am not responsible for it.. no matter how many people want to tell me i am.. it doesnt have to be this way.. shes the one who needs help now.. i just wish it hadnt of happened, but i cant take that back now can i?
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| from
anothercrazi : |
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arh youre notes page is starting to look like shans :s, well i like when i get messages from people anyway.. and kinda a lil bit of the point having an online diary? people can read and comment, an added bonus anyway.. sorry you feel crappy now.. *hugs* thanks for the notes youve left me too, and youre right i do feel good about going into uni! oh btw shan said you told her about a book ? she said she would ask you to tell her the name of it since she forgot, but i havent had much chance to speak to her snce and when i do i forget to ask, i like to read heh
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| from
anothercrazi : |
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Sorry today is a tougher day.. you can get through it though, youve been so positive lately so focus on that. Everything will happen in time, you know that, so know that the smaller steps you are taking atm WILL get you there :)
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| from
anothercrazi : |
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thanks :).. it really does feel great, so empowering, sounds like youre doing well too, good for you!
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| from
shanmeid : |
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You're really sounding so much happier and I'm glad you haven't had a 'bad' holiday season! Your preggie plan sounds really good! Very healthy and nutritional in every way! Take care <3
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| from
anothercrazi : |
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i have said this so many times to shannon.. muscles weigh so much more than fat, and you are doing some serious working out, your muscles must be getting stronger and heavier.. please bear this in mind!
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| from
anothercrazi : |
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aw thanks, Im doing better in the last month than I have in the 3 years Ive been trying to recover, so I hope youll be right with the holidays! I have also heard a lot about you.. hopefully if Im in Canada again next year we will meet!
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| from
anothercrazi : |
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Hey.. you dont know me, well 'Jo' Shan's friend. Anyway, read your diary regularly as well, its public and I have a lot of time on my hands..lol. But yes, I think cutting the treats out would lower bf% loads. When I cut out stuff like that I noticed a huge change, bigger change than when I cut out anything else. I think the gradually doing it is a great idea, once a day.. once every two days.. stick with it and you will see results, I am sure of it.
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| from
shanmeid : |
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Just proves the simple fact of how insanely different men and women are! I hope you guys work thru' this! Guys just can't admit when they're wrong! Everyone else is just being unreasonable... I'm still trying to understand it! <3
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| from
shanmeid : |
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:hugs: I'm sorry you're feeling so bad... sometimes people just don't understand how it feels <3
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| from
shanmeid : |
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You're not a loser!!! Being successful in life and love doesn't come down to what career you have, where you live, what car you drive, etc. Being successful in life is all about who you have and why they love you! And don't let other people determine the way you feel about yourself. I do that all the time and it sucks... they don't know you deep down! They don't know your loves and loathes, what make you scared and happy... they're nobodies!!! As far as I'm concerned, you are successful. You have a husband that loves you, that wants to start a family with you. You have your health and a good understanding of how to better your life for yourself! Believe me when I say, even if you did have some high-flying career and was earning a huge package every month it still wouldn't be enough! There'd be something else you'd find lacking... like maybe not having someone to love you! It's just a human condition to find fault and berate... chin up sweetie... your better than most of the successful people I know <3
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| from
shan2b : |
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Shan I am sorry I couldn't be better with words at the time. I wanted to be so much your best friend there. I had so much to say but was way too nervous. I had a wonderful time. God you were beautiful. You and Jeff made me cry...
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| from
shanmeid : |
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counting down the days... I wish you all the best : )
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| from
missy-17 : |
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hey, i looked at your diary, and....liked it, i liked the way the flowers are and the colors, it makes the whole part of your diary, relaxing, and cool!!
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| from
shanmeid : |
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ur post really got to me cos that's how I've been feeling lately too... it's just nice knowing I have someone I can relate to <3
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| from
shanmeid : |
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ur post really got to me cos that's how I've been feeling lately too... it's just nice knowing I have someone I can relate to <3
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| from
shan2b : |
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Hey Shan, I'M BACK! I want to talk to you soon, but I wanted to let you know that the wedding I was at on the weekend (an italian formal big deal kinda thing) THEY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE WEDDING CAKE! And you know what? NO ONE NOTICED! Not even me till right now... so stop fretting the small stuff... you hear?!
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| from
shanmeid : |
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o' shan... it's not your ass, it's just the cut of the bottoms! Somehow it seems to be fashionable to have half your crack sticking out! Don't beat yourself over it! *hugs*
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| from
shanmeid : |
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I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling. I've been away for a while and noticed that you've been updating often... I wish I could say something to make you feel better about yourself, but I know that won't much, except that you have been so happy in the past and you believed excercising and being healthy was all you needed for a good frame of mind. I've been trying figure out how you've maintained such a hectic lifestyle without having a nervous breakdown. Perhaps once the wedding is over and life goes back to normal your attitude towards yourself will normalise as well. But really, you shouldn't berate yourself like you do... you're a beautiful person and you've achieved a lot! : ) <3
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| from
shan2b : |
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Shan! Wht ai think you fail to realise is that not only are you and Michelle very close in weights (or the appearance of weights) but you look to have less body fat than her! She got the "toothpick" comment because she hasn't always been as small, and you HAVE been small for a long time now. I KNEW I would be reading about that right after I heard it said. The only differce between you and Michelle, is that she is thin and miserable, and you are thin and getting happy and changing your life. You have NOTHING to be jealous of! *bonks shannon on head*
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| from
shanmeid : |
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you are really being such a good example to me... unfortunately I'm stuck at the moment and am battling to do anything excercise what-so-ever! I'm going to join a gym at the end of June tho'. I can't really afford it now, but I get an increase end of June. * I also love Jennifer Garner's body. Every Tuesday in SA Alias is on and I never miss an episode. She's gorgeous! Keep up the strong will to be healthy and happy...
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| from
shanmeid : |
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size 6 :D well done! isn't it a lovely feeling? <3
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| from
shanmeid : |
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You sound so excited about everything. I'm really glad for you! Not not much time left til the big day! Good luck with the final preparations! :) <3 shan
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| from
shanmeid : |
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u: little p: girl >>>> pls delete this once you've got it! ta <3 shan
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| from
shanmeid : |
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Hi... I've been reading ur entries for a bit now. Added you! Noticed you on TF too. Sounds to me like ur suffering from pre-wedding mania =) Just hang in there, pamper urself as much as possilbe and keep up the good u have in u! Take care <3 shan
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| from
shan2b : |
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Shan! You didn't talka bout yourself the whole time! I really enjoy it when you actually do talk about yourself. YOU ARE interesting you know!! Silly girl, I wish you would do that more!
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| from
razor-vixen : |
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I am sorry you're having such a hard day. I am sure the parents will bring the kids so you can do your exam. It's just one day, try not to think about it too much. You'll get through it.
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| from
shan2b : |
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Shann, it's funny I have become OBSESSED with my skin lately too! Like I have to find a way to have THE perfect skin, not sure why really. (funny thing is, I think you are near perfect skin to begin with!) And you do have friends, I miss you TONNES. I am always here, you know that. And you ARE NOT FAT... crazy little girl. ;)
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| from
meltlikesnow : |
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<i>I wish I was in a apartment with no friends and no family, no real job... then I could be miserable and not let it affect anyone.</i>
I feel the same way. I'm almost there, really.
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| from
meltlikesnow : |
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Congratulations!!! I know how much you wanted this and I'm so happy for you. You're gonna be such a beautiful bride <3
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| from
shan2b : |
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after reading this I wish so bad that I could have gone tonight... I am so sorry. You are not a loser nor someone with no friends. You mean the damn world to me. I am as confused as youa re right now. We can try to work throught his saddness together Shan. I love you more than words. And I am fine just so you know. PISSED, but fine. Take care my best friend. Oh and I had a lovely lunch today!
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| from
meltlikesnow : |
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Shanna, do you think anyone could live up to your expectations? Perfection... I wish I was perfect too, but I've never met anyone who has achieved perfection, you know. I think you're caring, nice, beautiful AND thin.
I like you and shan a lot <3
And for the record, I think you are well-spoken. I may not be a reference since English is not my first language, but I always love to read your diary.
Take care.
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| from
mhystycmom : |
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Mwah! Thinking of you, always. Be good to yourself, now and forever.
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| from
meltlikesnow : |
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I care about you all the time, whether you're healthy or not, whether you're happy or sad. I'm very proud of you for trying the healthy road. :)
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| from
glasssnail : |
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Oh god. The big talk with the friend. It looks like Care really, cares about you. And even though it may look like there is a little exageration, maybe there isn't. Just look after yourself and try as hard as you can to get better. I know that its really hard. I feel the same sort of pain that you do, and to an outsider its hard for them to understand that we have our own little timing, that purging once a day is getting better when we used to do it 4+ a day.
Just take care ok? It's nice to have a friend like that out there, and maybe this worry will help you get more on track.
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| from
glasssnail : |
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Oh hunny. If that guy makes you feel so horrible, why are you with him? You are an amazing person, and don't deserve to be treated that way at all. You need to feel good about yourself, because it seems like people just want to tear us down. We need to bring ourselves back up.
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| from
iclone : |
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i wish a hug could make everything better. [comfies.] [badtomybones from TF]
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| from
meltlikesnow : |
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Thanks for your comment on my diary layout. I like yours too a lot too (all the ones you've had).
I wish I could give you a real-life hug. Your words on tf and in my diary have often made me feel better. Please don't give up on yourself. <3
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| from
glasssnail : |
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I love you. Take care of yourself. Life isn't something you should just give up.
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| from
meltlikesnow : |
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I don't know what to say, I just didn't want to read and not say anything. I really really really really hope you're all right and didn't take too many pills. I like you, I really do. I wish you could see yourself the same way others see you. Take care and update soon please.
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| from
glasssnail : |
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careful ok? I'm really feeling like I should be going hard core too... And it seems ok for me to do it, but I don't want to see you get hurt ok? Take care.
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| from
meltlikesnow : |
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I'm sorry your body hurts. Maybe you should listen to it and not go to the gym? Human bodies need rest... you worry me you work out so much. Take care ok?
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| from
small-one : |
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hi, i just found you and wanted to introduce myself. i'm also new at tf and am looking for a little online thinspiration and support. glad to have found ya.
xoxoxo
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| from
glasssnail : |
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Oh man. I want to get results like that. Its been a loooooong time since anyone has used the word "tiny" when describing me. :| How many cals have you been eating, my friend? I've been fasting with no results. Perhaps I should exercise... hmm..
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| from
glasssnail : |
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Yeah.. Thats exactly what I had in mind. I bet it would look awesome. I've seen a few people with it, and it's looked good. But, ah.. I have no control over people. *sigh* I'll try again. :)
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| from
glasssnail : |
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Gosh... I wish I had a 24 waist... I miss that. Wanna say chubby? Lets think 32... ick. Anyway. You have great will power! I admire that. Keep it up.
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| from
shan2b : |
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I love you Shannon. I really do. You are a wonderful friend, a fabulous person. I am more thankful for you than just about anything... Thanks for being you, just as you are.
Shan
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| from
shan2b : |
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Shannon, I wish so bad you could actually see yourself. You are so tiny, I am always jealous of how tiny and fit you are. You are so beautiful, inside and out. I hate so much that you can't see it. I have a major bone to pick with you about this entry *evil mad Shan face*. I will talk to you (sternly... giggles) tomorrow about this!
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| from
emaciana : |
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i like reading your journal. you sounded in so much pain in your last entry. please take care of yourself. you deserve it, believe it or not.
tia
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| from
shan2b : |
|
You are beautiful sweety... I wish you could see what I do, how gorgeous you really are, how beautiful your soul is... how great a friend you are. I wish you could understand how important you are, how you really make a difference.... to me.
I hate that you hurt yourself, that you could even hate yourself on a small level. To me it makes no sense at all...
I love you my friend... my best friend.
Shannon
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