messages to thatgirlx:
(click here to add new message):

from cherrygash :
Hey dont know if you would like to give me your pw. If not its ok, just remember you from way back in the day.
from cherrygash :
Hi, yes I remember you from back in the day. No, you can still follow me :)
from cherrygash :
Hey do I know you?
from degausser :
Hi! I've had about a million and a half diaries on here, it looks like we knew each other when I was chasngghosts. I saw you had updated and remembered the name. I'm sorry things aren't good for you now, but it's still nice to see you.
from enurta :
hey, I have a blog, sorry I left. but I had to. anyway, you can find me here: http://itsnotwar.blogspot.com
from gypsyxdance :
hi! yeah, I remember you. I have no idea when you left that note cause I guess DL still doesn't think we need to know dates haha but anyway, catnip for both un/pw. glad you're back, I dip in and out. I actually miss when everyone used to write regularly haha.
from enurta :
I love her too but I'm really worried about her. she needs to cut back on the purging. I don't know what I would do if something happened to her :(
from lollirottt :
*hugs*
from enurta :
i know how you feel. but dom't be scared. certain things have a way of working themselves out. live every day like it's your last. at least you have your fiance. if he didn't love you he wouldn't be with you. I'm sure he knows you love him back despite of your 'episodes'. hold on to him.
from lollirottt :
Sexy??? Yeah, ok. O_o
from lollirottt :
I agree with that person that said you're awesome. :) I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
from thisis4keeps :
You're awesome, just so you know. =)
from lollirottt :
You say that now...
from lollirottt :
You have to like go over to the side on that one picture. Bam is in it. I don't know who the fuck that person is, I was just too lazy to cut him out of the pic. :P And I realized I didn't say anything about your layout. I was lazy, it took me a while to realize I hadn't said anything. I love it. Like seriously. But yeah, I totally could've done it ln like 30-45 minutes. ;) Fuck this, I'ma text you now. Your ass better be awake. :) Love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
from lollirottt :
Oh yeah. I like the fact that you have 'this is where I scream from' on your diary. :) I think I forgot to tell you I've decided I'm getting that tattooed on my back, like right below my neck going all the way across. And I'm covering my back with tattoos. =D =D =D Everyone's gonna hate me...or at least how I look. BUT FUCK 'EM! =P Love you.
from lollirottt :
*cough* no facebook *cough* ;) I'm sorry, I just fucking hate facebook. That entry about your suicide attempt made me very sad. :( I'm glad you were saved...I'd be dead without you. You're my reason for living. And I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. You need to remind yourself of that fact whenever you feel bad. I always remind myself that you love me when I feel bad...and it keeps me going... Well... that and the thought of meeting Ville. =P Heeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I love you. *hugs real tight* <3
from lostasyou :
Haha! Thanks, *blush*
from lostasyou :
I will be reading along then :)! And of course! You're welcome.
from lostasyou :
Just been reading a bit of your diary, and I am going to add you to my buddy list :)
from anorexicmeg :
Thanks.I appreciate it. It's good to know that I'm not alone but I hate that you are in the same boat as me.
from enurta :
hello sweetie. thank you so much for the note and for adding me! I can relate to a lot of what you write, so I'll add you to my buddylist as well :) take care. and if you see Danielle, give her a kiss and a big hug from me. tell her i miss her. <3
from cherrygash :
Hi lovely, it has been too long. I was gone away from here for awhile as well. only came back because it's supposed to be therapeutic. ha. hope to see u again. cG
from xeison :
It has been a long time since you posted here, so i do not know if you will still be here to read this. i am really sorry for being gone for so long. Um, if you get this, please message me back, im really sorry.
from punkedupqt :
tehe :] yes yes. its the bombdiggity!
from thinwishes :
It's good to know that I'm not the only one too.
from razornotes00 :
don't ask what could've happend, just make a new start
from kittiefan17 :
I am glad that you are seeking help. In my psych/soc class, we are actually learning how to conduct groups and the therapeutic and social aspects of them and why they can be so rewarding. Did the therapists have you guys do any fun icebreakers/warm-up activities?
from razornotes00 :
Good to hear you like your new group =) I hope it continues to go well for you =) I love you deary xox
from amazinfuckup :
You're not a bad person. Lots of group settings make me think the same thing. Classes, especially.
from gigantor21 :
That's how I feel whenever I'm in crowded areas.
from razornotes00 :
revenge against who and what for?
from punkedupqt :
burgundy=love
from cherrygash :
hope your new doc works out good. i know how much trouble the meds are, i was on seroquel for along time. that stuff's pretty strong, knocked my ass out. and don't even think about missing a dose, my lord! hectic, that's all meds are. but, when you find something that helps, i guess it's worth some of it. i gotta find a new T. wish me luck, keep me updated on you. cG
from punkedupqt :
getting drunk is definitely what you should do when ure on probation. shit cant get you caught, they have no way of proving you drank...unless you run into ur probation officer while ure running around walmart shitfaced. other than that tho, u should be good. :] ((im not going to say this is a good idea at all, but ive smoked, snorted, and popped everything under the sun and im still good to go. havent been tested yet--and im off on the 18th! :D))
from punkedupqt :
i think ur guy was desperately trying to get you to admit that u like him, with his whole "im going to get with another girl blahblahblah". he prolly wanted you to be like "no! i want you for myself!". some guys do that. my boyfriend does/did anyway. guys are funny that way.... but yea. i think u might need to tell him very simple something like "plz dont be with that other girl, its not right, itll only cause you trouble. and besides that, i like you." before he slips away from you. you dont have to jump into dating him right away...just tell him how you feel. im sure he'll understand. much love.
from complexmynds :
There's this beautiful and amazing girl that I care about and who used to cut herself too. I can't help but feel upset because, although I don't really know what you're going through, I don't think anyone should damage something so unique and wonderful. Not even themselves.
from gypsyxdance :
i dont really know whats going on with you lately but i really really hope you'll be okay.
from punkedupqt :
thanks much! :] its next sunday. the 7th. woot woot
from cherrygash :
No, I don't have myspace. I have msn messenger though.
from razornotes00 :
Hang in there Angel, I love you xo
from neeeeek :
You can do it. You have so much beauty nd strength inside and potential friends and experiences out there. They wait for ya : - ) Believe it. Now starts a better life. Never give up.
from neeeeek :
Best wishes..
from neeeeek :
Please get help soon. Life is worth living. Suicide is selfish. Your loved ones will never get over it. *virtual hug* This low will pass. You can do it. Get faith in ya again
from punkedupqt :
word. im 19. or bout to be. haha :]
from punkedupqt :
thanks! :] how old r u? jw
from sorrowshadow :
medicines are getting so expensive these days. not sure if your doctors are trying to do you good or just suck your money; mine simply suggested another drug when the price of my current one increased. I felt like she didnt care anyway.
from ethereal-red :
I am in a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) group. It's not a support group (although the girls in there are very supportive!), it's a therapy group for people who have borderline personality disorder. It is very helpful.
from neeeeek :
Yap, easier but selfish. If you did that and succeeded you'd destroy the lifes of the people who love ya. This shit passes. And if it's with meds Best wishes
from cherrygash :
srry if i haven't responded for awhile. i haven't been on here in ages. sorry to hear about your rough time. yes thank you, i get lonely all the time. don't be afraid to nudge me either, ya hear?
from punkedupqt :
there'll be no angels gracing the lines...just these stark words i find. id show a smile but im too weak, id share with you could i only speak, how much this hurts me... [I FUCKING LOVE THAT SONG. AND UR TEMPLATE!]
from razornotes00 :
Ok then. I appoligise. I have been a bitch for the last two days (more than usual lol) and like. blahh. I read the comment I sent you again, and I sound so mean. I'm sorry. I never thought you'd mean linda. It didn't even occur to me. I didn't even know linda wanted you gone. Dani never said anything about it. Don't worry about Linda. She would've said that to anyone who moved in, don't take it personally. I love you! (no joke btw)
from razornotes00 :
I'm glad you went shopping =) and I am really glad that you decided to get some help and are sticking with it. Your attitude is good towards it so far =) ...and um.. you wrote in your dairy "You got what you wanted didn't you?".. I assume you're talking about Danielle because you said that right after you were talking about her.. Dude. WTF. Why the hell would you even say that when she was the one that asked you to come live with her!? You know Danielle, if she wanted you gone, she would make it clear and say it to your face. Don't say that stupid shit. She's not a vindictive cow, she doesn't just choose young females over the internet to love dearly and then send to jail.
from razornotes00 :
Don't fucking cut yourself. All that shittttt is going to do is set you back further. The times you don't cut will make you stronger.
from chalkstain :
i read this book once, years ago. it was about a young boy and girl on the road, and in some of the later chapters, they meet a family with a little girl called Angel. she used to dance and sing and colour and be happy, just like children do. that can be you too, sunshine.
from ceilings :
happy birthday baby, please don't die.<3333333
from cherrygash :
oh, well i hope it's not too bad. if u wana let me know that's ok, but it's ok if you don't. i'm sorry. um, i'm ok. for now. thanks for asking. i'm just not very happy, i feel as if i've lost all identity. yea, that sums it up. cG
from cherrygash :
hang in
from xeison :
i have left an answer for you in my last entry. im hoping itll make sense to you, though i am afriad, that it will probably be unsatisfactory for you, and knowing me probably wont even make sense. Please read it though, and if it doesnt make sense, ill try to explain better.
from cherrygash :
hoping...just hoping you're not where you said cG
from xeison :
Yes i know kind of waht for, but what are they calling it under Tennessee Statute? im so sorry Angel, i love you too so much *HUGS*.
from xeison :
What is the official charge and sentence that they are going to prosecute for? Can you go for a plea bargain?
from xeison :
Yes, i got your email and i sent one back to you did you get it? What is happening here doesnt matter anyways, so its not worth mentioning. i love you too.
from painted-eyes :
...Oh, God, honey, I hope you're alright. I've been thinking of you, and I'm sorry for not checking up on you.
from xeison :
Thank you for doing that for me. i love you.
from razornotes00 :
juuust to let you know; if you kill yourself, I will stalk your family. I am being serious. I will hurt them and bring them down. If you cut yourself; I will have to yell at you.
from xeison :
We can solve this Angel, please tell me where to send the money to. As for needing to fit in, there are other ways to fit in besides boing put in the hospital. You can make Friends with these people outside of it.
from xeison :
Also, do you know what address you would want me to send the money to when i get some?
from xeison :
What was the specific situation, may i ask? Why would you have to go to prison?
from xeison :
That isnt a reason to be put in jail, or be punished, or even neccesarly a wrong thing in itself. im not sure how you can say yo uare stupid just on that alone. The premise that you should take any advice given to you just becauee you give advice, isnt really a logical one. What if it was bad advice, or what if you were afraid to take it? That doesnt make you stupid or bad.
from for--you :
You REALLY want me to think about YOU when I'm having sex?! No, we didn't have sex yesterday. Couldn't. But we did stuff. Um...But yeah. It's like...fuck it. I'm call you. :P
from xeison :
You do worry too much about others, i wish you would care more about what you want.
from xeison :
i am beneficial to noone, i have never made anything better for anyone in the long term, and i am a lost cause, i cant beat this, i cant beat any of it.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Damn you!!!! it's because people always fuck you over. Because that's what happens to nice, truly caring people. But you make me happy without having to buy me things, or change yourself. And I'm all that matters b/c I'm your god!!! So make yourself happy now. Do it. You can. I know you can. I know you more than you know yourself and I have complete faith in you. I love you. You're my Angel, remember????
from xeison :
im glad that you are okayish now and that Christine will be watching the razors. Um, im not helpable Angel. im a lost cause, so really im not worth worrying about. i dont know what to do. i just cant live anymore. It makes things worse for everyone. i love you too. i hope you have a good dinner.
from xeison :
[email protected] . im so sorry i should have given that to you earlier. Can you be here in like an hour. i have to go somewhere, but after than i can talk to you about it? i love you.
from xeison :
Just give me an address Angel, and ill work on it. i cant get it soon, but i will get it. im glad that Christine is there to help you out. If you need help with the papers, just call them and ask them or you can ask me and i can see if i know. i know you are trying to keep strong, and im glad that you are. i just, i worry about you, that is what Brothers do. Um, may i ask where you have been getting these razors from? i love you too.
from chalkstain :
i wish things could be easier for you. i don't know what to say. i'm fine, really. you always were so thoughtful. take care of yourself, doll.
from chalkstain :
no. you're not allowed. i dunno, come to ireland. or just, meet me in paris. or beijing? how about perth? i want you safe.
from xeison :
i know you said it is hard to explain, but if you feel you are able to, can you please explain what has been happening? i think you should stay with Christine as well. im really sorry that Laura stole your money. i would go when you get a chance, maybe with someone else if you think she might hurt you, and confront her about the money and ask her for it back. i would just say something to the extent of, while i was staying at your place a noticed that $100 disappeared off my debit card, and i have evidence that it was you, can i please have my $100 back. If she refuses, then call the bank that your debit card is from and tell them that your card was stolen and someone essentially identity thefted you of $100. They should be able to help you out, but if they do not, then get the record of the payment that shows what she did, and bring it to the police and see if you can press charges. You might be able to force her to pay you damages equal to $100 that way, if you are left no other option. im so sorry that things are going so badly Angel. im really sorry to say im not sure how to help you right now other than to tell you that you can do this. Things sound like they are going really badly right now, but you can get through this and beat this. i know that you can. Um, ill try and see if i can get some money to send to you, i cant promise anything though because i dont know how im going to be able to at the moment, but if you give me an address to send it to, ill try and find a way, so can you please give me a safe address to send it? Please take care of yourself Angel, i love you *HUGS*.
from xeison :
im sorry, i feel like i am really stupid, but what is it? Angel, you are not bound to kill yourself, that is not a fate you are locked into. You can have better than that. No one is trapped to that fate.
from ceilings :
please don't <3
from xeison :
Well, in your entry you wrote that you found out Laura does not care as much about you as you do for her. What does that mean, may i ask? i would say that you should stay with who treats you better and respects you for the great person that you are. If that is Christine then stay with Christine, but if it is Laura then stay with Laura. Try to stay where you feel best. Does that mkae sense>?
from xeison :
i read your entry, and before i mention anything else, i wanted to say, im really proud of you for trying to get better and for seeking help. im really glad that you did those things, im sorry though that it has not helped as much as hoped. Mental illnesses as we all know are unfortunately really hard to treat. im really sorry that Micheal got taken away. Do you know where they took him? As for you, Angel, you shouldnt say you are not strong enough, you are strong enough, you have survived a lot and you have proven that you have the strength to make it. im really sorry that you cannot live with Danielle right now, but eventually you guys will be able to work things out. Um, i dont have any money right now, but if i get some, which i dont think is likely, but if i do, would you like me to send it to you? i know it is really tough Angel, but i think in a lot of ways things actually look like they might work right now. You probably need a job of some sort if you feel able to take one so that you guys can have money, but at least now you guys have the ability to control your finances on your own, which is tough, but you can do it. Danielle is probably better off at Amandas right now, but i do think it will work for you two. i dont know if im making any sense, am i, or am i being stupid an missing the whole point as usual?
from xeison :
What has been happening to you, i havent been able to talk to you for so long and the last time we talked, i was stupid and passed out. im so sorry that i was so stupid. Please tell me what has been happening?
from errantnights :
where is it that you have nothing?
from cherrygash :
Hi, it's been forever. Ps~I Love your layout!! That song rocks my socks off, truely. I haven't been on here in awhile. What's up with you? I read your most recent entry but at this time of day I can't go read further, maybe after work! :) Let me know how you're doing. Ok? Thanks, cG
from chalkstain :
fuck the drugs, i think you'd find, like me, that they're completely fucking overrated.
from x-dead-x :
I LOVE YOU ANGEL!
from lust- :
There's always hope. You just have to believe.
from painted-eyes :
Hey, hon, I know what you mean about not caring about yourself...Trust me, I know how hard it is to accept that what you do doesn't merely affect you, but it affects those who love you. Sometimes, I forget I have people who love me. Not because they suck, but because I do. Anyway, as corny as it sounds, don't give up hope. :-/ I hope you can get through this. You're a good girl, I know you are.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I yelled "DAMMIT!!!" in class a few minutes ago.... =S
from xxsorrowxx :
Angel...Do you think I don't want you here?Because I do.I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you a lot lately.I haven't meant to not talk to you.I love you so much and I really do want you down here.You're one of my best friends.I'd do anything to try to make you happy.Right now I want to give you a hug.I love you, I love you, I love you.
from sorrowshadow :
something is wrong, but we cant make sense of it, cant make the logical links... like its all in our heads. you're not alone. trust yourself, but more so, trust the people who cares enough to help =)
from chalkstain :
oh to have you back = ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
And here I was the whole goddamn time...waiting for you to get here, thinking fucked up ME could actually help you.
from razornotes00 :
I told you to look deep!!!! Dammit *slaps you* Have ya ever been on anti-deps??? Maybe you should go on them, but get the ones that BOOST your mood, not just stabalise it, ok? Them the doc will prolly refer you to a skrink and yeah. Make the best of it. I love you.
from x-dead-x :
you belong here buddy.
from xxsorrowxx :
Angel!You do belong here though.You're my buddy.I'ma hug you forever until you realize that.I ♥ you.I'll have sex with you instead of Dani the next time I go over to your house if it'll make you feel better, k?J/k.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Besides. You're the bestest cut buddy I've ever had. ;)
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm tired of hearing you say you don't belong. :( You do belong, ok? I've said this to you so many times, so trust ME, not the thoughts in your head, ok? I love you.
from razornotes00 :
"cutting comunity." Fuck sake. I am totaly outraged at that rude remark. I am apart of the community you met Danielle in and I don't appretiate being titled a cutter, and I'm sure you don't either. It is sad that different generations are so distant to us and so clueless, for it is THEM who set up our lives the way they are. Each generation sets up the next generation. They've kind of left us here to take charge with nothing, so we have to do some of the stuff we do because we're not "grown up" yet, and not ready to fly maybe. Fucking judge. Anyway, I am sorry that you do not feel at home or like you belong there. I understand how you feel. Think honestly with yourself, and ask yourself what is missing and why you don't feel at home. Don't tell yourself "oh i dunno." Yoiu have to go deep and really look. If you don't take a look then it's gonna stay this way. Let me know what it missing when you figure it out. I love you! (p.s: don't take too long)
from xxplaydeadxx :
Ya know....the last entry you posted was about how you weren't gonna get here, or something like that. You NEEEEEED to do a neeew entry. 'Cause, ya know....you're sorta on a couch. In a room. The same Room I'M in....so that entry kinda....is pointless now.....Should do one titled "re-connected" or some shit. ^_^ ♥
from painted-eyes :
Thanks so much.
from painted-eyes :
Yeah, I'm good now...Just was really nearing the edge, y'know?
from painted-eyes :
Yay for a good date! I hope that it works out for you. You deserve a great guy, instead of those creeps you told me about.
from xxsorrowxx :
*claps hands* Good going, Angel! I'ma talk to you soon! ♥ P.S. And if you do any more stupid crap to hurt yourself I'm gonna beat the hell outta you.
from painted-eyes :
Angel, how'd the DAAATE go?
from painted-eyes :
Back and happily so...still in one piece...mostly.
from xxplaydeadxx :
g2g! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
*sings* we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz. we hear he is a wiz of a wiz if ever a wiz there was. if ever oh ever a wiz there was, the wizard of oz is on b/c, b/c, b/c, b/c, b/c, b/c......b/c of the wonderful things he does!`
from xxplaydeadxx :
but not really :P
from xxplaydeadxx :
now she's crying.
from xxplaydeadxx :
oh. she left me one. she's retarded.
from xxplaydeadxx :
haley just left someone a note....
from xxplaydeadxx :
rawr!
from xxplaydeadxx :
omg someone just yelled "get your finger outta there!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
gaygaygay
from xxplaydeadxx :
i wish you could get on myspace from this hell hole
from xxplaydeadxx :
*smacks haley*
from xxplaydeadxx :
*considers doing brain operation RIGHT NOW*
from xxplaydeadxx :
*wills clock to move super fast*
from xxplaydeadxx :
my head is hurting. :(
from xxplaydeadxx :
'tis fun.
from xxplaydeadxx :
i've left you a shitload of notes.
from xxplaydeadxx :
are you annoyed yet?
from xxplaydeadxx :
kill the freshmen!
from xxplaydeadxx :
probably should write THAT at school...
from xxplaydeadxx :
*plots everyone's murder*
from xxplaydeadxx :
ummmm...................idiots.
from xxplaydeadxx :
aw man. we have to go to the perv's class in like 12 minutes.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I THINK WE GET OUR YEARBOOKS TODAY! =D
from xxplaydeadxx :
i'm SLEEPY!
from xxplaydeadxx :
my back's hurting.
from xxplaydeadxx :
i have no idea why though...
from xxplaydeadxx :
haley said "now i'm nazi free! woohoo!"
from xxplaydeadxx :
ummmmmmmmm....................... =S
from xxplaydeadxx :
so we don't have to do anything.
from xxplaydeadxx :
b/c the teacher's confused today
from xxplaydeadxx :
and NO, i'm NOT supposed to be learning
from xxplaydeadxx :
....not trying to scare you or anything.....
from xxplaydeadxx :
there was a spider crawling on me last night. i threw it on the floor
from xxplaydeadxx :
*craves cigarette*
from xxplaydeadxx :
*regrets eating cafeteria's baaaaaaaad food*
from xxplaydeadxx :
*smacks you with a snowcone*
from xxplaydeadxx :
amazon has rolling kansas for $9.99....Just thought I'd tell you that. Omg, Haley like went off on Catherine a little bit ago. It was funny, but terrible. it was about Cat saying she hates Amber and Emily, then being nice to them to their faces. =S Amber tried to get Haley and me to vote for Emily for some class officer thingy, and haley said "no, Emily's a superficial b***h" lmao. It was great. So Amber told Emily, but emily only had the balls to write Haley a note telling her not to judge her and shit. Retarded. So then haley told cat and she got all pissy, then haley got all pissy b/c cat does that. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa
from xeison :
im back, i missed you so much. i am very proud of you for going and saving Danielle and im very thankful that you did that. You seem to have accomplished quite a feat. You have done and are doing amazing, just as i said, you are an amazing person. i just hope you learn to see it. Thank you for holding the offer, but you guys already have four people to support, you dont need a fifth, especially when that fifth would get the police on all of us because he would be a runaway. i am proud of you for looking for a job, that is great. i love you too. Hopefully, we can talk tommorow and you can tell me all the things you have to tell me. It sounds like a lot of things happened. im very proud of you. i love you ♥
from cherrygash :
Thanks, that's really sweet. You can talk to me too. :)
from razornotes00 :
What things did you read into? Yes.. Danielle has left.. THE INTERNET! She's still here, and I know she thinks about you every single day! She loves you and she always will. Atm, things for her are a little out of her hands. When she was living with her uncle (fuckface! >.< *chases him down the street*) she wasn't realy happy, but she had her physical needs, like food and shelter and stuff (and a pooter) but now, things have changed a bit. She has love, now, her mum loves her and Danielle is happy to be with her. Danielle always wished she had a loving mum, now she has it. But food, warmth, and shelter area little scarece for her. Her mum can't make Danielle as comfortable as she was at her uncles house (*kicks him in the willy!*) but she's happier.. She's not cutting as much or throwing up. That's huge for a girl who's been hooked on it for nearly 3 years. It's going to take some time for Danielle to get her life sorted out. She needs to have the physical needs and the love. She's searching for it, and she will get it, I promise :] Then things will be back to near-normal. The way things used to be.. except without the "i hate uncle fuck face" entries. As much as Danielle moving away and not talking to us as much hurts me, I'm still glad that she has her mum. I'm glad that she's getting a taste of life that she can learn from. I miss her all the time that it hurts me so much. But I have to just keep telling myself to wait.. and to believe that everything will be ok. Danielle is invincible! She can get through anything. She'll be ok Angel, I promise :] When we're all together we'll throw her a big party :] I duno what for lol, but we'll jut do it :] ....um..e..r. can we please have cake when we have the party?? *puppy dog face* . So, yup. Can I enroll you in believing that Danielle will be ok, and that she'll be here again, soon, please?? :] Xeison is gone.. yes. I already miss him. We were never as close as you and him were, but we still shared a great love, and I'll forever love him. I know it'll be hard at the start, because I don't know your personality very well yet, but I want you to know that in place of xeison, I am now your rock, ok? :] I'm here for you and I won't let go. I knwo it'll be dificult for you to tell me things that you would normaly tell him, but I ask you not to hold back. I can handle anything and I've been through a lot, so I'm not short of experience. Dude, I feel like I'm trying to sell myself here >.< lol, you get what I'm trying to say though?? Well, I'm here for you and I'd like for us to be close so you'll have someone to talk to and stuff :] I love you Angel! xxxx
from razornotes00 :
I know you think that people hate you and it's "you thing" but what I ment was if I had done anything to make you think that way. Yes deary lol I know you eat =] You'd be dead if you didn't. ok, lol, we'll call it abnormal eating habbits :P *wink wink* Take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
from razornotes00 :
No no don't be sorry :] You've got nothing to be sorry about! Angel, Angel Angel Angel, I could never hate you. Never Never Never EVER! Why would you think I would? You could never bother me either. It takes a lot to bother me, and even when I'm bothered, I can never hold a grudge. Can you and Danielle go halves in the trip to your house or something? Don't worry if it doesn't happen soon anyway :] You'll both definantly meet one day. *sigh* it's so sad that you are sick with this eating dosorder.. :[ Are you ready to give it up yet? Can I do anything to help it? Things are ok here. I have a family and friends, what more could I ask for? :] Take care <3
from razornotes00 :
Yes I know exactly what he's like. I did my last entry about it. *sigh* I dunno how to help him. How could such a beautiful person go to such waste? Grr. So what's actually going on for you atm? Are you still having eating issues? Still working? I hear Dani is staying at your house over the holidays something? You lucky b****! :''''[ lol I love you.
from razornotes00 :
Whao. I take it things with your dad is shithouse?? Xesion is really freaking about you. What's going on with you lately?? Are you ok? What's been happening in your life?? I love you, don't ever forget that.
from gigantor21 :
Angel, I miss your posts...please come back.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Too bad you're not on. =[ So, June 5 ok with you???????? Eh eh eh?! :P I don't know how much it'll cost though.....=[ Um. yeah. We might be talking Tuesday/Wednesday, so I'll try to find out more by then, k? I love you, and I miss you. So much.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Um. We should be getting a phone Thursday, but I'll be at Ms. Caputo's house that night. =] So we can talk then. I have this week and next left in school. Then I have to take one final test, so....yeah. I guess we can just talk Thursday about it. I'll tell you allllll about the fight we had the other night. I'm sick of this crap. Um. I miss you. =[ We'll talk Thursday though! =D I'm gonna do an entry now. I love you, Angel.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I miss you too. ='[ I don't know when we're getting a phone. We have no money. I fucking paid for the phone though. Or, gave my money to Jesse. He fucking spent my money. Urgh. Whatever. Um. I have two weeks left of school. =] EFFIN EFFER! Dland won't let me do an entry. >.< Ummmmmm. DUDE! You HAVE to move in with me!!! My mom said you can. =] Yeah. Um. I love you. Hopefully we can talk soon. I love you.
from xeison :
Angel, im so sorry i wasnt on, i, they, all day :'( and then Ishaan, and im so sorry.
from x-dead-x :
I'M SO SORRY! I'm never online anymore =( I never have time. =''''''''( I'M NOT IGNORING YOU!
from xxplaydeadxx :
Ms. Caputo has msn, so I'll be on there. =] I'll just talk to you then. I love you.
from xeison :
im so sorry that i missed you, i was really drained, and i fell asleep, im so sorry.
from xeison :
Angel, are you ok? i LOVE YOU, please take care of yourself *HUGS*.
from xxplaydeadxx :
GET ON YAHOO. NOW.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Ok, so you're calling me Saturday. I'm spending the night at my english teacher's house, so I can dogsit for her. =] OMG. I'm coming to see you this summer!!!! I'm gonna buy a bus ticket. This isn't just a I-really-want-this-to-happen. This is a this-IS-happening. I'ma save as much $ as possible from my dad, and I'm getting a ticket, and I'm staying a couple weeks with you. I don't even CARE if you DON'T want me there. I'm coming anyway!!!! >=] I LOVE YOU!!!! And I miss you. I miss you so much.
from xeison :
i have something i need to tell you, but i cant right now, because im really tired and i cant think right now, but please take care of yourself until then, i promise ill write it out later. Please take care of yourself Angel, i LOVE YOU so much, i need you *HUGS*
from xeison :
Remember, a long time ago, you wrote a diary entry that we dont tell you you are wrong enough, well i want you to breathe. In fact, ill breathe too, *BREATH IN* *BREATH OUT* twice *BREATH IN* *BREATH OUT*. Ok, here we go, so i read your diary entry and i have this to say, you are WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, and WRONG, did i mention WRONG? Where to start, i think ill start like you did ok? Sinse you arent actually here to respond to that, ill just say ok for you. "Ok". Thank you, well to start, you said that you were the selfish one, im assuming that i am the one you were talking to, but if im wrong most of what i am saying still applies, and please forgive me if im wrong, im sorry, but you are not selfish, ok? You are an amazingly generous person, you are always kind to me and Danielle and Georgia and Cat and everyone, and you are an amazing person. As for fear, let me tell you something about fear, did you know it is controlled by a part of the brain called the Amygdala. Now you know what is really bad about Amy G. Dala, see she is part of the more primitive parts of your brain, so what happens is, when she says things, all the other parts of your brain go, "Woah, what the hell is going on?" and then she goes, "HAHAHA i win." and you feel afraid, now the other parts of your brain can win, but it is hard, so you shouldnt blame yourself, after all, i do the same thing thanks to her. She is scary too by the way, she has like clones so that she is in everyone of us!!!!!!! Its not an illusion by the way, you can have a fresh start, what is an illusion is taht it will be completely fresh and perfect, there is never perfection, happiness yes, perfection no. And if wont be fresh, your memories will still be there, thanks to Amy and also this other part of the brain that hangs on with Amy called the Hippocampus, basically they are a hippo named Campus that stores you memories. You will be able to deal with those memories better though if that makes sense. You are not flawed or corrupt or a failure, all people mess up sometimes, but like i said, we have to learn from them, not beat ourselves up over them. As for being fragile, i know that you definately are not fragile, and you are capable of doing, just like i said, Amy is sometimes a bit of a bitch. YOU ARE NOT A REPELLANT. If we go by your logic, im a repellant, just becasue people left you does not mean your a repellant, otherwise i should be calling my self a Death Omen. As for trying to get your dream and then getting nothing, well if you have nothing and you get nothing, what did you lose, on the other hand if you do get something you have gained. If you dont try though, then you are guarenteed nothing. And you are strong enough to get more than nothing, i believe in you, even though you dont. i love you Angel *HUGS*. i miss you, i hope i can talk to you tommorow.
from xxwipe-outxx :
Hey what ya doing? Me nohing much i jave been going out with a girl named sarah. She is very nice. Her x boyfriend is very mean he is like a compleat asshole. Well see he found out that we are going ou t and now he wants to kick my ass. Well see her mom and dad dosnt know that we are going out. but now we have to tell every at school that we are not going out any more. so i dont know what to do what you think i should do? see i love very much you need to see her. she is very pretty. herx is saying that he is going to kill.
from xxplaydeadxx :
I LOVE YOU!
from xxplaydeadxx :
=]
from xxplaydeadxx :
=P
from xxplaydeadxx :
Don't you "Loser!", ME, Loser!!!! Raaaaaaaaaaawr! *throws head back and growls*
from razornotes00 :
Weirdly distand?? Wow, I like how you've worded it :] You're always really good at that stuff. Now, dude, you do not need to convince yourself of JACKSHIT! >,< Just take a leap. La la la. Everything will be ok, soon. I'll pray for you, and before I go back to school, I'll go to Freo and make a wish for you, and put it in the wishing well, I promise. I love you so much.
from xxplaydeadxx :
You've already gotten me TWO cds, and a book! NO! You can't waste anymore money on me. =[ Thank you for offering though. I love you.
from painted-eyes :
Thankya, matey!
from razornotes00 :
Following your dreams doesn't mean everything will be perfect. Following your dreams is what, I think, you need to do, always. Be unreasonable in life, and you will go right. I love you <3
from cherrygash :
hey, ya i know... i mainly smoked pot- never done x, or acid, or meth, or heroine. but i did coke once, which was pretty fun. i tried schrooms, but just a little bit and it didn't seem to do a whole lot to me. but i'm afraid i'll go back to drinking. I can drink alot, especially for all the meds i take. i don't know why, but i can drink with the best of them and Not wake up dead....it's strange, cuz i'm just average, well some people say skinny but more average and i can drink as much as bigger people than me. idk it sucked at my friend's 21st cuz i spent like 40 some dollars that nite. but it was fun. :) ya, i have thought about cutting, but more than anything i guess i get the urge to drink, or smoke just cuz i really can't go to work and be all marked up. but seriously the other day i was driving back home and my heart felt Empty- that's the only word to describe it...not hard, empty. and i just sat there, not knowing what to do cuz i didn't feel anything, not sadness, not happiness, not anything in between and that's when it's the most fucking scary. i got a job, so that's good. looking to move in with a roomie so i can pay less rent. trying to get me insurance so my parents don't go bankrupt from doc bills and meds. so, it's really stressful, actually i am really stressed, i'm angsty almost constantly and i can't help it. i don't sleep good cuz i have nightmares every night. Yep, Every night. if i wrote them all out when i woke up i'd have one fucked up journal full of stories my brain made up while i was asleep...or trying to. so, i don't know what they do for that...i've been going to therapy and the doc for meds but still haven't found anything that works. i get tired easier and usually like a week before my period i get FATIGUED, i'm not joking. i don't know why but it Fucking kicks me in the balls Every single time. are you in a relationship or comprehending one? i wasn't sure on your diary. oh i don't know when i'll go back to school. we're not doing good finacially. i might have to get another part time job cuz i just started at this new one and i can't get full time hours yet till ppl leave for the summer. so idk. i seriously am so tired and feel like shit right now. so i better go to bed, i gotta work tomorrow. i've had better days than today, so sorry i've just ranted and am being verbally retarded. hope you're doing better, talk to you soon. take care.
from xxplaydeadxx :
='( It wouldn't go wrong. You're not going to do anything to make it wrong. And I hope I'm everything you're hoping for when we meet. You're NOT selfish, you're afraid. Babe, it's ok. I'm 17, not toooo far from 18, remember?! =D I'll find you, I promise. =] Maybe next year over senior trip, me and Haley can come to you!!! I'm not going, so I highly doubt she will, and I don't know about Cat. I'm gonna try that. =] God, I so wish that I could come stay with you over the summer. There's just no way though. =[ I could NOT ask my uncle. He'd kick me out for talking to people over the damn internet. >=[ That stupid effer. Now listen here, turd head. [[ :P ]] Don't you dare feel bad, don't blame yourself, and don't worry about when we meet. We're friends, we're like sisters, we'll always, ALWAYS be this way. Only MUCH closer. =D [cheesy, but the best things are definitely worht waiting for] Ya know what I remembered about two minutes ago??? My mom is going to JAIL for 50-something days as soooon as we get out of school. Hahahahaha. That effer [my uncle] is SCREWED!!! I won't have much time left of break when she gets out. I don't know what'll happen. But there's no one else for me to stay with, ya know? Can't stay with Catherine, sure as HELL can't stay with Haley. Can't stay with Megan. I'm fucked! >.< Ah well. I guess he'll have no choice but to let me stay here anyway. >=] I am SO determined to win this one, too. =] Ok, I'ma go now. I LOVE YOU. We'll talk soon, k? I love you.
from amazinfuckup :
Plz get online some time soon, I would liek to talk to you some more! :D
from xeison :
i know im not supposed to talk to you because i might hurt you, but i, i made something that might make you smile for school. It will be on youtube in a couple of days, if you would like, i can give you the link when we put it up. i hope you are doing ok, i miss you so much, i love you *HUGS*.
from gypsyxdance :
"inside out" meant a lot to me<3 thank you
from xeison :
im so sorry i made you feel that you are worthless. im so sorry. You did help me, im so sorry i ruin everything.
from xxplaydeadxx :
What are you talking about??? :(
from painted-eyes :
Aww, no, no, no, it's you, my friend, who is amazing!
from xeison :
im sorry that i was worthless, im so sorry.
from xeison :
i miss you too, i love you Angel *HUGS*. im sorry.
from painted-eyes :
Hey, you just updated, read your notes...You should get on AIM.
from lust- :
Thank you. It's good to be back. Take care, hun.♥
from cherrygash :
Hey- it's not 10 times worse. I've slipped up too, like when me and my ex had our last extreme fight...I kept putting it in his hands..telling him to use it, just do it i'm so sick of what you say that i'd rather just be stabbed...or did I just think that? all i know is that that is what i did, got out a knife and asked if he wanted me to hurt so bad, cuz he made me hurt so bad to even cut again!! He didn't care, I sat in my kitchen just inches apart from him and Oh i had the urge or just jabbing it at him...leg or foot, but i resisted cuz i knew HE was the one driving me crazy....you have to know the relationship to understand that this story is absolutely normal....well...in the circumstances!! :) but no, i'm not proud of it, i've been using alcohol,drugs to help me relieve anxiety/to sleep to help me not think. it's not good, i've been clean for i think like 2 weeks now? but i smoked with a friend last week, just for fun, so i guess i have to count it. ahhh. anyway, i know. . . you really can't live in the 'what if' because it wasn't 'what if' and chances are there wasn't supposed to be a 'what if' anyways. I've learned that from my last relationship, I drug it out too long. All I can say is God has done wonders on my heart cuz I'm stubborn, and not forgiving. I had to quit school, i was failing. so i'm not in school right now and im looking for a job. That can get depressing. How long was your relationship? All I know is that I found out how much he really cared about me at my weakest moment, and he left me stranded, literally outside. Yeah, that pretty much sucked my heart up my throat. i couldn't believe that i had put MY entire Self in this person, my Entire savings of trust in this one person and it failed... i hope you are feeling better, i really do. and it's when you're in this condition that you cannot put yourself at risk- w/situations and other guys, now's not the time, I've figured anyway that it only makes things sticker and puts me in a non-winning position again either way. I'm not happy. i'm coming to terms with it, it's better to know we were a disaster before i actually married him. Wow, mind-boggling. I'm here for to talk, i know what it's like...i have to pay someone like 100 bucks an hour just to say the same shit over and over again...but hey, I'm free!! and should be certififed by now.. honestly geez ttyl
from xeison :
You wont find a red flag, because honestly, on single event could never cause this, it takes many things in combination to cause this kind of pain, but you can find those things and beat them, a weed does not just have one root, it has many, but it can still be pulled out, i promise, you can beat it, but there wont just be one target, there will be a few at least. i love you *HUGS* please be ok.
from painted-eyes :
I understand the necessity of pain to remind me of the beauty of this world. I've often thought it to be like when you stub your toe. Sure, it hurts like hell when it is stubbed, but the pain makes you appreciate the sense of having your toe healthy. Or when I figured out I have a cardiac problem, it made me realize how grateful I was for the years before of no heart trouble at all. So, I suppose it's like that with emotions. Having this pendulum swing of emotions makes me grateful for the steady days, for the days when life is serenely peaceful. It just makes me acutely aware of how much struggle it is to obtain those good days. Makes me appreciate them all the more. Anyway, I see your point and just chose to elaborate on it, even though you probably understood it well enough already. It's funny, I used to feel so "plasticky", so pretend when I was happy at school because it was so highly inflated, so...forced. Now, with my girlfriend, it's real. It's actual happiness. When I laugh with her, it's not forced or "plasticky" or syrupy emotions layered on too thickly, it's REAL. I filed no police report; in fact, when Mom and I discussed it yesterday, she "forgot" it even happened, then told me that I "elicit that type of behavior from others...that [I]ask for it". Anyhow. I was talking to my mom about finding a temporary home for the summer. I might stay at school and go to summer school so I can be a sophomore standing next semester, or I might move in with my girlfriend. We plan on going to Europe as the family, so my mom is more concerned with the $2800 she blows on me not going to Europe with them than my long-term emotional well-being. Gosh, you mention your dog being someone you loved and could say "I love you" to, I remember how I felt like my dog was the only one in the house [Funny thing: I can't call it home, just the house...It doesn't feel like a home.] that I could open up to. I'd just sit on the stairs of the sun-deck with her scampering around in the grass, throwing her a chewtoy and just talking as though she really understood. Scratching behind her ears, and saying "I love you" with utmost sincerity. God, I miss that dog. I was responsible for her, made me feel as though someone depended on me, instead of me just being needy and desperate. Anyway, I tried to tell my mom I loved her today, but it just felt wrong and sorta crumbled out of my mouth. Thankyou so much for your kind words; again, hope to hear from you soon. And hope you feel amazing as you should! You're so special, and not in a condescending way!!! :) *hugs* XOXOXO
from amazinfuckup :
fucking, you can still talk to me lady!! also, sorry for never iming you, i am never here when you are haha. it is really nothing personal. but yeah, you can still talk to me :D
from kittiefan17 :
awww i'm sorry that you haven't been feeling okay lately. I say, keep your chin up and always remember that you're fabulous no matter what!! (it always helps me anyways)=)
from cherrygash :
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I've felt lost, lost of myself many times....it's a far away feeling. and i've felt totally numb, like emotionless . . . and i think this is the worst because that's when i wanted to cut, i couldn't cry, i couldn't smile i just sat, honestly it scared the Hell outta me. My cutting days are over, but i still get urges once in a while...so far i've restrained. these are your battle wounds, do not be ashamed but be driven to conquer what you cannot, than you can look back and say this is how i really was i've submerged deeper than the shallowest of waters that some still tread.
from readthisline :
I love coming back to check on your diary.. your words are so literate and beautiful.. although they are still sad. I'm a lot happier than it seems on here. I hope you're well also xx
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm afraid for you, and I don't know how to help either. I'm sorry. I love you. That's all I have for you. No magic words to make your pain go away. I'm so sorry. But anytime you need me, you can talk...I love you Angel. I love you more than you'll ever KNOW, and I'm so so so sorry that I can't do anything for you. I wish I could. I'm sorry. I love you.
from painted-eyes :
I always appreciate those good days, ya know? When they come, I just. . .really appreciate them because I know they won't always be there. I wonder if happy people take their happiness for granted. I know I don't when I'm happy. Even when I was younger, I was always glad to be happy. I got back to school last Sunday, but I'm still plagued, I guess, with memories? I don't know. It's hard to explain, but when you have bruises in random spaces in your body, and it's so difficult to find a comfortable position to sleep in at night, and having nightmares night after night, you just don't feel like you're the same, ya know? This Spring Break definitely changed my dynamics with my parents, I can't even force the words "I love you" out of my throat anymore, it just hurts too badly. I'm okay, I guess, I feel better here than when I am at home, but I just worry about my own mental stability when back at home, if I have to go back this summer, I burned as soon as I got back to school. Was planning on OD'ing, to be honest, but my g/f talked me out of it. Thank you for all your kind words. I wish I had people like you around me at all times. It seems I make friends easier over the Net than the real world. Maybe I should just develop an online identity? *shrugs* Heart you, hope things continue to stay well. Keep in touch.
from painted-eyes :
Hey, how have you been lately? I'm trying to steady out my emotions; usually, they feel pretty steady, they feel pretty solid, like I'm not afraid of what people think of me, and I feel positively about myself, I have someone who can reassure me that I'm alright, and I believe it, I believe in me, the thing is when I go back home, I start to believe all the negative things they say about me. All the hateful comments, the mean words, the fights become the realest thing to me, and I can't remember how it feels to be steady, I just feel as though I'm sinking. I need to live away from home to be happy, it seems. I just don't know how to manage that.
from painted-eyes :
Thankyou for your note. It really helped. It's crazy, but I feel as though I have more friends and more support on diaryland than I do here, in the real world, but support anywhere is support, and I'm grateful for it. So, thank you. *hugs*
from xxplaydeadxx :
i love you
from xxplaydeadxx :
don't you EVER think that again!
from cherrygash :
Well, I'm glad that you're feeling better. A GREAT book that opened my eyes, I found it in highschool it's called: Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher. It helped me So much. 2) Boundaries by Henry Cloud,John Townsend These are just a few good reads that helped me out alot. I need to start reading more, I got so behind since college started. There's also another book I like by Danielle Steel, I know iknow, but this one's Deep. It's called: The long road Home, If you have a chance, read it! I hope you start feeling better and start getting things out. It's good to do that, this last summer when I had ended a terrible 2 year relationship it hit me hard, and I could barely function. But, I made myself jog Everyday. Soon, I felt better, even though crying and jogging is hard, and even when i just didn't want to get up, i made myself. It WAS HARD. But, it also got alot of stress out of me, got me toned, and helped with my Anger... I mean it too, I'd push and push my body cuz I'd think about stuff and I'd get SO Angry, but afterwards, it felt so good. It becomes addicting.
from painted-eyes :
Hey, it was just a temporary lockdown mode. Nothing too serious. Just had some deep dark depressing thoughts to post for myself, then erase later. (As in now-later.) So, no worries, a password is unnecessary.
from cherrygash :
Hey~ I'm glad that you're noticing things. It's hard, it's hard with Temptation. I still struggle with it, but I've been coming to the conclusion that the unhealthy things I want, I want now, so I can make other things or feelings go away and satisfy what I want. But, in all time due, I am actually hurting myself, putting myself further back, and NOT growing by these things. I think all good things come from time, it's hard, hard to be patient, but when it does come, you will be glad you changed. Like, if I wanted to, I could go and be drunk/high and with a guy right now. I Have these options at my feet, literally. Yet, I think...how is this Really helping me?? It satisfies a moment, but not MY LIFE. You have to start thinking of all your Decisions AS A WHOLE. Everything affects your life, even if you think it's a one time thing, or you'll change later, or you'll just give in one more time... I know, I'm around these temptations that stand high and secretly want me to topple. Faith, I'm not a preacher, but since I have started knowing God, learning, and having a relationship with Him, I understand that this is where I'm meant to be. Alot of things in this world Don't make sense. but it's Amazing how I see Him work, really, he's done wonders on me and my heart, mending me, giving me strength. and faith is Hard, in this world of destruction, i've struggled so long with it, and I am still, I'm growing, and I feel that with every right decision I make, He is there hugging me, i know, it sounds weird. But, I could show you some good reading material, not only on religion but just on other things. I have read some Good books that have opened up my mind, actually saved me. About the whole moving, I know it's hard. I can remember my first year of college staying in the dorms with 2 roommates for the 1st quarter....then I was OUT like a flash! I had some odd balls and that tiny place got me depressed, missing a 'home'. So, then I moved in a single apt. when i was about 19, I LOVED it. I didn't have to worry about other people or their friends or sharing a bathroom, it was awesome, that'll always be my fav. apt. Then I moved to a diff. city. I got a job so I needed a room fast. I rented out a 2 bed apt. for a year, I tried at least 3 times, interviews, phone calls, etc. etc. to find a roommate, and it got me nowhere. So, I ended up living out my lease and now I live in a one bedroom apt. I am so used to living by myself now that I prefer it. I would LOVE to live with someone who would be somewhat 'normal' as in, not too crazy, but not lame, and responsible and just easy-going...and That my friend is amazingly Difficult. I got let down so many times, it was So frustrating. My first years living alone the dorms were the worst. then i got my own apt. nice and cozy adopted a kitten and we were roomies for a year. I remember crying and having spells of feeling 'alone' and thinking i was gonna die. But, I grew into it, and realized that when I looked at all my other friends with roomies they had so much drama!!! Most of them ended up breaking off friendships because of it! Isn't that nuts? So, I can come home, and do whatever the heck I want, ya know? play music, study, watch a tv show, i don't have to deal with the extra stress. and that's nice especially after working a 10-12 hour day. :) I'd start looking around tho, just to get a idea, I can help if you have any questions, I've gone apt. searching ALOT, lol, so I know a thing or two. Been around the block! :P but alot of people start out with roommies and that's great, cuz usually it's cheaper, but it depends on the type of people you find. I know what you mean when you feel 'different'. i do too, like, i just have my way of thinking, my world, ya know, my way of doing things, I have a past, I have issues that other people don't have...and it is hard cuz you feel alienated. but i find more and more each day that everyone has shadows, I think God has started to show me that because of my feeling inferior, getting me down. all you can do is be yourself, and not try to be something you're not, cuz then you'll end up screwed.
from cherrygash :
oh my gosh, i can't beliveve the 'meany' thing, it made me sort of feel a pathetic yet twisted laugh roll up my chest, but no out. Who calls their children NAMES?? Seriously, I'm so sorry for that, hey don't worry about it i'm 21 and still get money from my parents. I work, but they support me more than I do, because I really can't at the moment, i'm presently not that sane. I've been getting better little by little. I think you should move out, I mean I can go visit my parents like 3-4 days max, and if it's just my mom, like 2 max. You could get some perspective, it's a whole different story when you don't live at home anymore. but I am reading your entries and thinking...oh my gosh, she feels EXACTLY to the "T" of how I feel about the whole 'living' thing. How I'm missing out, what I have missed, and how do you actually Start again? It's more than I can comprehend and I try not to just do the day at a time thing, cuz ya, it does get depressing and repetitive. I think, "this is what I'll do today so it can affect what i want accomplished"(within whatever time) If it means 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years. You gotta have some goal or nothing will ever please your days. It's helping me out anyway, and helping me from making bad decisions, that when I know I hurt or I feel alone as hell, if I go and do the same thing, the same unhealthy thing, how do I expect the outcome to change?? Anyway, i missed kinda talkin to ya, but just know that physical beauty(or what our society 'defines' as beauty{which is unrealisitic}) all fades, and what is truely valued in a person is their soul, and to tell yourself you have a beautiful soul, a great heart, even when all you feel is rage, you do. I always had a problem with thinking, ya know, i'm one of the worst people in the world, i don't care anymore, i don't care about anyone, etc. etc. but i was so harsh on myself, and i still am, but trying to realize that this is me, this is not me, and this is what i love and who i am, no matter who loves it, i know i always will because you're the only one that has to be with you the rest of your life.
from x-razor-x :
YOU KILLED YOUR MYSPACE?!!!?!!??!!??!!!?!?!!!!!!!!?!??!!??!!??!?! How come? :P I LOVE YOU!
from amazinfuckup :
Aaah you are such a sweetheart. You need to IM me again! I do enjoy talking to you :)
from xeison :
Angel, i DONT HATE YOU, i LOVE YOU, im so sorry, i thought you were him, im so sorry. im so sorry, what are you doing? Please dont hurt yourself, im so sorry :'(.
from xeison :
im so sorry, i didnt fix it, it is my fault and i didnt fix it, i failed, im so sorry.
from painted-eyes :
Awww.
from painted-eyes :
I just can tell you have so much to offer, and the world can't bear to lose a girl as sweet and as good-hearted as you. Even when you're not so sweet. I just feel as though I can relate to you, and if I can't give up, I sure as hell don't want you to either!
from xeison :
Dont be sorry, im the stupid one, im the criminal, not you. im so sorry Angel, you have the right to write what ever you want. im so sorry.
from painted-eyes :
Hey-don't beat yourself up too badly. I happen to like you, and don't want to see you hurting yourself. Either figuratively or literally. (Hugs)
from gigantor21 :
A smiley after that last post would've made it much more effective. But I don't DO smilies, dammit!
from gigantor21 :
I can't help not signing on AIM when I'm mentally predisposed to avoid socializing, dammit!
from xeison :
You said it wasnt deep :'(. That is deep Angel.
from xeison :
i wrote a note to you in my diary
from complexmynds :
Thanks a bunch, I like your writing too
from meganwaits :
I loved your last line of that entry.
from xeison :
WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!! i am perfectly willing to put you in your place when you do something wrong, the thing is, you had not done anything wrong. It has nothing to do with any perception of you being fragile, becuase i already know that you are strong, stronger than i am, but you have done nothing wrong, i was just being honest, you did nothing wrong. The only reason you think you did something wrong, is because you think that we are that fragile that we wont be able to handle it when you are in a bad mood, but we can. Just as you handle it when we are in bad moods or i lose control and Ishaan takes control, we can handle the fact that you get bad moods too and that you are Human, and there is nothing wrong with that. NOTHING OK? Understand? When people love each other, they share both their happiness and their pain, because that is what helps all of us ok? So once again, i will say this, you did nothing wrong. Except this entry, the information in this entry is WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG and moreover W-R-O-N-G WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love you *HUGS*
from painted-eyes :
Not a problem. I just know how you feel. I've been there before.
from painted-eyes :
I wish I could help. Let me just say I know what it's like. Don't give up, please.
from xxplaydeadxx :
http://jadedxx.diaryland.com/060808_42.html who was that about?
from xeison :
You owe me nothing, i did nothing. If you anyone you owe the kid who did it to me in the first place, his name was Juan Garcia by the way. You do not have to be sorry for being short, there is nothing wrong with short. i love you too *HUGS*
from billie--joe :
Thank you for the comment.♥ I hope you are doing great.Love you
from xeison :
ill tell you waht life is about Angel. It is about days like today, where i got my hair pinkified by a six year old armed with pink paint. All of it is pink : P. Maybe picturing that will help you laugh, becuase i am serious. Ok, really though Angel, life is about the ties that you hold, you are still my Sister and Danielles Friend, and i am still your Brother. Ultimately it is us that makes life have its point, that is the biggest reason i keep going, becuase i love you. Also, as Danielle said, none of us, and i mean none of us has any intention of leaving you there to suffer. i love you *HUGS*
from xxplaydeadxx :
It's not going to be this way forever. It's NOT. I promise. I'm going to make sure you get to really LIVE. Have fun, be happy. I promise, ok? I promise. Believe me, trust me. You're gonna be GREAT 100% OF THE TIME. SOOOOOOOOOOON. I love you.
from xeison :
im so sorry. i love you too *HUGS* ♥
from lovetilidie :
I'm so sorry that you are going through problems with eating and body image. I have gone through that too. I like to think I'm all better, but whenever times get rough, I go back to my old ways. I really hope that you are able to fight this, because it will get better soon. If you want it to, it will. Promise♥
from degausser :
yes ma'amm =)
from xxplaydeadxx :
Who is THAT entry about????
from xeison :
i miss you :'(. i love you *HUGS*.
from x-dead-x :
ANGEL! I FUCKIN MISS YOU!!! GET THE DAMN COMPUTER FIXED!! lol. I LOOOOOVE YOU SOOOO FUCKIN MUCH!
from kittiefan17 :
hey! i saw a link for your journal in my friend kof's diary, and I really like what I have read! You definitely are an expressive writer. As a fellow drinker, i'll admit, i agree with you on that one=(
from xxplaydeadxx :
what are you talllllllllllking about in that entry? =| Lalalalalalalalalalaalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... Yeah. I had a major 'one of THOSE days' yesterday. :( So basically I puked and don't wanna eat today. So I'm not going to. Go me, right? :( I'm so fucking retarded. I wanna tallllk to you sooooooon!!! YOU SHOULD CALL ME TODAY! My uncle will be leaving in about an hour. :D:D:D:D Um. Yeah, you probably won't even seeeee this until sometime tonight. It's 12:59 no make that 1 right now. :P Ok, going. I have to yell at Georgie for saying she's overweight for her hight. She's 5"6 and weighs 134, so that means she's only FOUR lbs overweight! HA! I WIIIIIIIIIN! Sorry, ok, going. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
from xeison :
im so sorry that i failed and now you hate me. i still love you, im sorry that i failed you :'(. i guess this is fair. Bye Angel, i love you :'(.
from xeison :
Are you ok? im so sorry Angel :'(. im so sorry i didnt stop them, im so sorry :'(. Please be ok :'(. i need you to be ok. i know i failed, but i need you, im so sorry :'(.
from razornotes00 :
Wow :) Thank you for that Angel! Inever thought of it in the way that he'd get hurt by me saying it.. Like, I never thought that he'd think twice about it. Nah, I don't care if it hurts me. It's a bit late anyway... I said I loved him, but I made SURE that he understoood that it was only as a friend, and that I won't be falling in love anytime soon/EVER!!!! So um.. yeah. I know it is bad to say I love someone and not mean it. If someone did that to me, it'd really hurt. So I don't want to hurt anyone. Oi, dude, I keep adding you onto my buddy list but it never shows up when you have updated. Are you still writting in your diary?? How is work going? Home?? Most importantly, how are you going? Truth please :) Yes, well, school tomorrow and I shall be going to bed now. I love you!!!!! (yes, that IS the truth!)
from amazinfuckup :
You just described my dad, too. God I missed you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
ok, nevermind yahoo let me back on!
from painted-eyes :
No problem! =)
from painted-eyes :
I <3 your newest entry.
from justmeltaway :
Thanks! I got bored so I decided to change it.
from painted-eyes :
Wow, newest post is so true. People think because a disorder isn't visible, it isn't real, that's bullshit, and it should be apparent that it's bullshit, but people are often blind to what they don't understand.
from justmeltaway :
I noticed you locked your diary and was wondering if I could get a password. If you don't want to post it on here you could just email me it @ [email protected] I'd greatly appreciate it! Thanks! I love reading your diary!
from xxplaydeadxx :
GIVE ME YOUR PASSWORD!!!!!!!!!
from idontpretend :
You don't like my response, then don't tell me tough shit. That's what I was responding to. I don't need anymore negativity, and that's all I'm getting from you lately. So do us both a favor, and fuck off. I got enough of that shit from Julia.
from idontpretend :
Please, I've had panic attacks in front of total strangers. And yes, you did do a poor job of making it clear. So if you don't like what I had to say, then tough shit to you. Don't complain because you weren't clear. If you don't want me commenting, then put a fucking password on your diary.
from idontpretend :
If getting fired doesn't scare you, then have the guts to just open your mouth and tell them the truth, instead of beating around the bush. How can you expect them to respect you, if you don't have the guts to speak your mind and stand up for yourself? People are shitty. I've suffered countless panic attacks in the last six months because the woman I loved raped my heart and turned out to be a complete mind-fuck. But I never, once, caved to her bullshit. I spoke my heart and mind, and if she couldn't deal with it, then that was her problem. Especially seeing how she spoke her mind plenty, when she had something to rage about, even without making it clear what it is she was so pissed about. Stand up for yourself. Don't pussy-foot around the truth. If someone does you wrong, you have every right to stand up for yourself. You have every right to want justice, no matter what that maybe, even if it's something as simple as an apology.
from cherrygash :
sorry this is shit- i got an MIP too, still paying the bastard off, don't know when i'll be able to complete my 24 hr community service since i work 5 days a week. and oh ya, gotta take an alcohol class or something....yea...grrrrrrrreat. oh, and did i tell you i'm turning 21 in two weeks?? yea that's the best part! Nov. fucking November and letting a stupid drunk ass fucker drive....2 blocks...NOT JOKING....2 FUCKING BLOCKS from home, pulled over. He went to jail, got his third or forth DUI, and I got MY first MIP, my friend got her 2nd. then we walked home. 2 blocks, lol fucking WALKED HOME. Who else in the World could have THAT kind of luck????
from xeison :
In life, who knows what path is defined and which isnt, noone ever knows where to start, to make ourselves, its impossible to know where to build, some people are lucky enough to have guidence, others of us must make our own self, our own paths, but we must try not to doubt ourselves, for doubt can be both a virtue and an agent of disillusion. Angel, nobody knows where to start on their own, that is why we said we were going to do this together remember? By the way, im sure you could make a great cook. i love you, i hope you are ok *HUGS*
from xxplaydeadxx :
I'm not mad!!!! Yahoo is just being an ass. :( I'm sorry. I love you. I am going to bed now. I'm sorry we can't finish talking. :( I LOVE YOU!
from x-razor-x :
Oh what the hell?! Stupid yahoo! You finally get on and it decides to kick me off! >.< Oh well nevermind. :P I'm back on now. :D
from x-crime-x :
Dude.. I am so sorry about not replying to your note! It�s been like, weeks! Maybe a month?? :S Well, whatever it is, I�m sorry. I truly am. I remember ages ago seeing that you left me a note, but I didn�t read it that day, then the next day I forgot about it. Then I saw it again the other day! GRR! I am so gonna stab myself for being so rude and not replying!!!!! OMG! I keep trying to bloody add you, but it never shows up!! And I don�t know when you freaking update!! I�ll have a look now brb. Oh my God, I really like �In Response.� Whoa were you talking about in that one? Danielle? Or someone else? I just read, �I am.� Wow. How is it that you have the perfect word for indescribable things?? It�s amazing.. You seriously need to write some sort of book! I don�t care that you think no one will read it! There are gonna be heaps of people who will! Danielle would, Cat, Haley, and I would!! I know my friend Kate would read it. My other friend Racheal would too. You said your life isn�t interesting, but it is, and even if it weren�t, it�s the way you think about things, not how many times you�ve been around the world and stuff, right? Oh God, I can�t believe you got to hold a baby lion!!!!!!!! Aww, that would have been so cute! Where was it?? Do you have lions and stuff over there?? Man, it was so nice when you said your dog licks your tears off your face J what sort of dog is it?? My dog� golly. It�s insane! His name is Charlie, he�s sorta new to the �family� and he and I haven�t quite bonded� :S But.. Hopefully we will one day J Ok, dude, I�m worried, but I�m not gonna pressure you into getting better or whatever (I did that with Danielle, but I thought it was the right thing to do.. turns out she just wanted to do it alone and stuff. You�re gonna be the same, but I just want to understand, please??) But what is happening with you and it atm? Ok, I�ll stop being a nosy bitch about THAT now!J Hm� man, I had so much I wanted to say to you but I can�t remember!!!!!!! What did you do for New Years?? When is your birthday????? OMG! My computer is $#^&#$*^ up! It keeps freezing up and stuff L I know nothing about computers, so I better shut it down before it blows up or something! BYE!!!!!! XXX
from cherrygash :
well thanks, im glad i can read minds!~!~ ha ya, just in a BIG pickle at the moment
from xxplaydeadxx :
11th grade is sucking some major ass. ok, so atm, yahoo hates me as well as aim. peachy. i love you. ♥
from cherrygash :
i fuckin digg the new cullas man
from chasngghosts :
huh. ...so i guess cookies are not in fact the way to deal with my most recent romantic disappointment. ..can we pretend it's okay if i share? they're chocolate chipppp ;)
from idontpretend :
You finally figured out that life isn't going to just hand you a bunch of roses! That fear is something that needs to be faced in order to overcome! Woohoo! *look of pride*
from sorrowshadow :
There were so many times when I told myself to make a move, but I never did. I hope you do. Oh for fuck's sake, I hope somebody can do something that I couldnt.
from cherrygash :
Thanks!! Just gotta go take a new pic for my dl....:( I hope I just don't look at stupid as I did for the last 2. One of my friends just had her 21st and got this AWESOME picture!! I mean it almost looked professional..lol it was cool. but ya, doesn't sound like you're too chappy, I hope things are going better for you, give me an update. gentle care
from spillink :
not a problem at all. I've enjoyed reading your entries so far.
from xxplaydeadxx :
or...at least the diaries i make for templates...? =/ hahaha thanks a LOT for telling me. that sorta pisses me off. =/ ♥ i love you!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
hahaha i think i'm going to lock that diary! :P
from xxplaydeadxx :
=D aww. thank you. i love you too! now why the hell'd you get off yahoo?! ='( i love you anyway. ♥
from cherrygash :
hey- yea the eye thing, i've learned through the years of pretending, and so tired of pretending that i don't anymore. well to some extent, but that's what i avoid, people's eyes, because for some reason now i feel like they can see me, see the scars, the agony, the pure ugliness in myself. Anyway! Ya, i like my job alot, i don't have to see the needles most the time, (I USED TO BE DEATHY AFRAID OF THEM) but i'm not too bad now....i dunno ??? prob. the drugs. Ya, i didn't stay up for new years (slept like a stone), didn't watch the ball drop, didn't care..i think it's overrated...how some "NEW YEAR" is going to drastically change overnight and your life will be better, Ha, it almost amuses me. Anywhoo..i know this is long, and no i know what you mean about the 'new job' thing, and it DOES suck, and you're not rambling. but honestly just fuckinig do it for yourself and try to get something better...at least try. oh, i'll be 21 this month, weird, i stopped hangin out with my drinkin and drug friend....so i will probably do the hour of power on my vVery own...WHO THE FUCK CARES....PaRTy!~
from amazinfuckup :
I think your last entry just broke my heart a little bit.
from xeison :
"learn to accept that these panic attacks are some sort of cruel punishment (karma?) that I racked up somewhere along the way" Is Ishaan just karma too then? Cruel punishment for bad acts i racked up on the way?
from xeison :
No, i broke it, and now you have six fresh tallies, and its all going to get messed up, i broke it, all broken, destroyed :'(. im so sorry :'(.
from xeison :
No, i broke it, and now you have six fresh tallies, and its all going to get messed up, i broke it, all broken, destroyed :'(. im so sorry :'(.
from billie--joe :
Hey sweetie I'm hear for you
from idontpretend :
Then what does it mean? :|
from xeison :
im sorry, i didnt mean to break it, im so sorry :'(.
from chalkstain :
thankyouthankyouthankyou. i knew you'd figure it out. i've had to make it look like i've left. of course i doubt i ever will. i'm sorry that already it's not shaping up. but you know angel - really, it's just another day. just another year. what does the first day of a new year mean, really? seven's my favourite number. hopefully, by the end of this one, i'll still love it. and maybe you will too. it's not too late ♥
from idontpretend :
6 fresh tallies? Is that what I think it is?
from xxplaydeadxx :
i'm so so so so so sorry! :'''''( aim kicked me off or something. :( i'm on yahoo right now.
from cherrygash :
hey- thanks for the note. well i know too well what it is like, basically you're facing a jungle. work is ok, i work with animals, well i get to see them everyday so that makes me happy. the people....they're a different story. but we did have this Crazy Siamese cat come in today for a hematoma on it's ear and they didn't even touch the thing, it was ALL sorts of wacked out, it sounded like we were skinning a cat in the lobby. haha, i was like, 'first time for vaccinations?' the lady looked down, and said...'he's not like this at home.,....really' it's like...what?? you don't have to impress me i just thought it was funny, i laughed. i think she was embarrased but i was like, i just couldn't help it, it was funny AS HELL!! i asked someone if i should go in and help, but they said the doctor was in there...and i was like..yea...are you hearing that?? anyway, i am still going through trivials with help, it's hard, but i'm pretty experienced now, so yea, seriously... just here. ok hope you have a good new year's...WhooPee :D
from justmeltaway :
Thanks! I was just reading your diary. I didn't stop until I had read all of the entries! I guess I'm hooked on your diary now too!
from idontpretend :
Hey, look on the bright side, Christmas is over!
from cherrygash :
it's overwhelimg what you're going through. i would be willing to listen and give you any thoughts. I know it's so complicated and really not knowing what to do just tops the stress. just saying- im here questions
from xxplaydeadxx :
FREAKIN ASSSSIE!!!!! Tell me now!!! ='( *does cute little sad face* *you cave b/c I'm just too damn adorable to resist* *smiles* *waits patiently for you to type and post the note with the funny story* :) I LOVE YOU, even if you're a butthead. ;) Love you! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
that was the dumbest fucking not EVER. :P I LOVE YOU!
from xxplaydeadxx :
I love love love you!!! =) Christmas...yeah. Good, and bad, as you have probably read by now. Um. Hmmmm. I've got a monster headache right now, the computer is being an arse, and...what else? I don't know. How are you??????????????????????????????????????? Huh? Answer me! :) I have a bruise on my left hand. I have no idea where in the world it came from though... =S Ok, I need to restart the computer. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥
from l3t-m3-0ut :
hey thanx heaps for ur msg it means alot to know that someone else feels the same!
from amazinfuckup :
aaah you are such a sweetheart. you too. try not to kill anyone. <3
from xxwipe-outxx :
ok well i went and saw her i did not like it i went off on her. now she is mad at me see but she is going to have to get over it see i told her like it is. she is trying to run my life when she is the one in jail see i go over my girlfriends house every day and she dont like it cause she sees that i am doing what i want and she cant do what she wants. she is telling me that i am going to do this and that,AND I TOLD HER I SAID HOW ARE YOU GOING TO STOP ME SEE YOU ARE ON THAT SIDE OF THE WINDO AND I AM OUT HEAR. well i will see what you say about this and i will get back to you ok?
from xxwipe-outxx :
ok,give me your e-mail. sis told me that i confuse you by the way i typ you notes do i? well if i do dont worry about it i am not good at typing,ok? i had fun with my girlfriend. i saw her earlyer.!!!!!!!!!I LOVE HER!!!!!!!!!!! but anyways how are you doing i am scared i am going to go and see my mom today. she is in jail i dont want to go but if i dont it will make her feel bad. but i think that that is good that will help her figureout what it makes me feel like when she hurts me.i dont think she is ever going to stop doing drugs. i want to move vback in with my uncle but i dont think that i will be able to. he wont let me cause i moved out the other two times. well i will talk to you later. well if you are like i think you are then i love you cause i dont love many people like only 4..........
from xxwipe-outxx :
well that is ok that you dont have texting well this is ok cause this is ok i just dont want anyone but you yo now these thing you understand dont you? well i thin you now i like amy lee. but any ways i am slow ok i am just now getting the hang of how to do this see i am not used to this yet i like it though dont get me wrong danielle showed me a pit. of you you are pritty. well i will see if you get this.
from imatwin :
Thanxs for the offer, it's nice to know someone cares :) I had a lot of reasons to do it, but I had more not to. I'm just glad I've moved forward in my life a little. And I hope by next year it will be gone completely. ~Alex <3
from xxwipe-outxx :
hey i am glad i can talk to you i wont to now how to talk to wear on ly you will now about it can you tell me how i can do th at? is there any way i can get it so i can typ something to you and you get it right away. and you can do the same to me. do you have a cell phone cause i do and then i can text you if you wont but that is up to you. you just tell me your number and when i get min. i will text you ok? well i guess when you typ back i will typ to you some more ok?
from idontpretend :
Sigh
from xxwipe-outxx :
hey how are you? me i am ok i guess. my sis. told me about you and made me a diary. so i am not use to this. so you will have to help me out ok? i am a little like my sis. i am going through alot lately so i need someone to talk to ok? so i thought i would talk to you. is that fine with you? i have alot to talk about so. i really need someone i can trust right now. can i trust you? well i dont have much more to say till i hear back from you, but when i do i will tell you alot more ok?
from x-dead-x :
Angel Angel Angel! We got the presents yesterday! Thank you thank you thank you thank you! I'm gonna send yours as soon as I geta big enough envelope! I'm sorry this is so short, but I gotta go help my mom! ♥ you!
from razornotes00 :
If that person who left that note did it to me, I'd bloody find them, and tell them where they can shove their stupid assie mother %^#*&^&*(@ ugly dumb MEAN COMMENTS! =D Man, wha the bloody hell is your birth name!??!!??!?! I used to know it, then the whole world discoverd your true name, and I got confused! (haha, even though I started calling you that too!) I'm still gonna call you Angel though, I just wanna know the name stupid earthlings beyond Dland call you lol. Hm.. Oh bloody hell! (whoa, for a minuite their, I nearly forgot how to spell "hell!" shit.. :S HA! I blame it on the holidays!! :D) You know the OC Theme song?? Yeah, well I have that stuck in my head (for the 3rd time!). OMG! The bastards have changed the song! Well, they've kept the song, just some local band are doing it. Meh. Whoa, you work in a hotel?!?!?!?! Man, I have big ideas now! *looks around my room, in amazment* You have to write an autobiography!!!! YOU HAVE TO!!! It would be such a great book. Very daring and touching. But I'd read it! You'd be a great writter :) Dude, I love writtng! This on time in Primary School, I wrote a story (in grade 6. That's grade 7 in America) about a boy loosing his mother. Man, when I wrote it, my teacher was amazed! (bloody oath, he was HOT!) He said it was work that was beyond what the other kids did. Haha, it was actually crap! I read it the other day when I was bored, and it's shithouse! But.. I dunno. Ever since then I haven't written another story.. Even in classes where we are asked to write a story, I always say "I can't.. blah blah blah" I've become a stupid failure, and I'm scared of not being "THE BEST" ya know? Ugh, I dunno. Maybe I should write on the holidays?? Hm.. I need soem inspiration though *zooms in on he computer and looks at you!* (hint hint) la la la la la la la.. Tucker and supper? lmao! English people call it supper too, right? Ok, my favourite supper is.. um.. anything with peas and corn!!!! I never used to like pizza, but when I make my own (NEVER the bought stuff) I like it :) I like pasta too. But I'm not allowed that often. Um, I got a job this year, at a Fish and Chip joint (a fancy one lol), but I.. Ugh. Long story. I don't have it anymore. Oh yay! =D I feel so much better now that I know I'm not the only one who takes forever to reply to notes :) It's a shame that it has to be because of sad things :S ♥ *hugs* In Xesion's diary, he said he'd say goodbye to us seperatly, but he didn't say goodbye to me :S Um, shit. So he's really gone? Fuck. One month, and if all goes well, he'll be back! *crosses fingers* It's ok to talk about sad things Angel :) I'm here for you, always. I like to understand, help and just listen to you. You amaze me. You're so interisting. Don't ever feel that what you say to me is boring or annoyiong, because I'll never feel that way. I never have and I never will. Um, he clinic is a mental instatute that I have to go to once a week. They think I'm insane or wahtever. I have to take pills for depression and stuff, but it doesn't mean I'm insane... I know I'm insane.. but just not in the way they think. When I think about the new shrink I ahve, I feel like crying. Everything is just so fucking messed up. Crap! Sorry about that. Moving on. Pets! lol (good cover :P) I have a golden retreiver (about 8 months old) My mum saw him in he pet shop and she opend the glass door herself and held him for about an hour lol, begging me to love him! So $850 later, we have a puppy! lol Um, I have 2 cats (8 and 9 years old). I've had them forever! :) Um, outside we have a pond, and it's got a lot of fishies in it :D There's 3 big Japanese Koi fish, and lots of big glodfish :) What else??? Hm.. I think that's it :) Favorite amaimal? I don't have a favourite. I love animals too much to pick just one. I want a BABY LION!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D haha, Dr Phill will be on today :) Bloody oath, this whole note has been about me! Man, I'm sorry, that's what happens when people ask questions! haha... la la la la la.. So tell me more about you! =) What isyour house like?? What do you do in your spare time?? Dude, you said that it doesn't matter about your ed because you think you're not underweight. Dude, it hasn't anything to do with the weight. It's a disease of the mind. You need to get it out of your head, ya know? Dude, I'm sure you're skinny as all hell! People won't think you're a joke if you walked into a thingo (ed place). It's about you. It's a struggle between this disease and yourself, not about what others think. I dunno. It's up to you. I'm here if you need to talk :) Well, I better shut up now, and go ahve another shower :) Bye bye! xxx
from xxplaydeadxx :
='(
from xxplaydeadxx :
='( I don't know! I wish it'd like me.... ;) I LOVE YOU!
from razornotes00 :
Bloody hell! That person who left that note below me, wasn't very nice! *sticks finger up* I assume it was because of your last entry?? Pfft. One day when the things, people and your life around you make you happy, you'll enjoy Christmas, but it's ok to not when things in your life are messed up (lol, don't take that the wrong way. I'm just not good at explaining things :S). Ok, down to business! I'm sorry I've taken forever to reply to your note. I get like that sometimes.. Sometimes I do well, and I will reply to everyone's notes for a couple of days straight, but then I get this thing in my head that makes me too sad and emotionless to do it. It's not because of you, it's me, and I'm sorry for it. Ok, so I just wanted to let you know that, ok? :S Ok, dude, what's going on??? Are you sick??? What's your internet diognosis?? I hope you're ok :S *licks your cheek* Lol, I was avoiding that question about my age :P I'm younger than you, and slightly younger than Dani-poo :) Haha, how did I know all that?? Well, I have magicla POWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D (Daniell told me some of it, and I read her notes to YOU!) hehe! I won't stalk you :) I am stalking Dani, and Haley, and a couple of others, but it's all good =P Man, you must think I'm a FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ha, I think it too :) Strewth! Tucker is another word for dinner!!!! (or any other meal [lunch, breakfast etc]) lol, and bin day is: Every Friday a big truck comes to collect everyone's bags of rubbish early in the morning. Got it?? Ok. Um, Skippy is a cartoon character, who is a Kangaroo (Aussie animal), and all Americans that I know over here have told me that they were dissapointed that we didn't ride Skippies to school (um, in the show, Skippy has a kid friend who rides him to school lol). Yeah, ok.. Um. STUPID! la la la la la la la la la la.. What's your favorite tucker?!?!!?!??!!?!? lol and when is your bin day huh?? huh??? HUH????????? Shit. In about 30 minuites I have to be dressed and clean the house ready to go to the GOD DAMNED FU^%&*^& CLINIC!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Save me save me save me save me save me save me save me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to go!!! I wanna make cookies... *cute little kid face* :'( hahahahahahahahha! I had so much sleep last night! 7 bloody hours!!!!!!!!! =D Aw, have you ever thought of placing yourself in a hospital or some other care form for people with eating disorders????? They could help you get better. You've been doing it for a long time Angel, aren't you tired yet??? :( Don't you want to be healthy and happier?? Is their anything I can do to help you??? Do you work??? Anyone their who can help??? :S .... Aw.. Man, I want to hug you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *big massive blob of black comes running up to you (me)* *HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!* *High five!* =D ♥ AHHHH! Do you like Jimmy Eat World???? KARNIVOOL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? COW TOWN!!!!!!!?!!?!?!?!!?? hehehehehehehehe! God, absoloutly beautiful bands =D la la la la la la.. AHH! What's going on with Xesion???? =O :( :'( I ♥ HIM! Oh, that reminds me; Gotta put the hair straightener on soon.. haha, you think I'm a sweatheart?? Cool banannas! =) Never been called that before :) Oh wait, think my nanna has, and this dude in the city.. but he just wanted drugs, or my gynie :P lmao!!!!!!! AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I crack myself up sometimes :) I bet you're just sitting their with a blank face, huh? *pats your head* Take care Angle ♥ ♥ ♥
from idontpretend :
You're so bitter. :(
from xxplaydeadxx :
>=| stupid fucking fucker computer. stupid fucking fucker aim. it won't let me back on. i'm really pissed now. =/ hm. not studying. i'm about to go to bed. i hope it [aim] works tomorrow...hm. i'll study on the bus, i guess. =S and in the morning before i leave. i'll just have to get ready fast. hm. sorry about the convo being cut off. :( I LOVE YOU! good night.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Angel, I'm so so so so so so so sorrrrry. My computer freaked out. AIM kicked me off. It won't let me back on. :( I'm sorry. I LOVE YOU.
from xxsorrowxx :
Hi Angel.My name's Haley.I'm Danielle's girlfriend.I want you to know something really really important...........I love you.*hug*
from xeison :
i wasnt there, becuase i feel asleep, and that was only because of my own stupidity, so no, im the one who has to be sorry. im so sorry.
from xeison :
im so sorry Angel :'(.
from razornotes00 :
Someone is wondering around outside the house right now.. But I don't know who it is, and I'm too lazy to check! :P O well, I can track 'em down if they steal somthing! *flares nostrils* AHH! HELL NO! I could never hate soemone for leaving a bloody note! i could certianly never hate you either! I don't hate ANYONE. Like, at times I can get REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY angry and yell "I hate you!" But that's only happend about 2 times, and only to my brother.. Usually just after he calls me a fat bitch and hits me over the head with something hard lol. He's a bit older that me, but not much. He's 19. Haha, I know you're outta school. I know a lot more about you than you THINK I do lol =) You're 20, or 21?? And you have had the eating problems for 5 years, huh? :( Poor you *pats your head* *hugs* How's it going now? Like, are you still doing all that jazz?? Are you going to stop??? Yeah mate! I'm from Oz Town! =D I live in Perth (Western Australia). Haha, I just wanna clar something up, WE DON'T GO TO SCHOOL ON SKIPPIES!! :P Pppft. Too skinny??? Man, you need to sleep for a while then, wake up and take a look at that picture again! Nah mate, don't don't be sorry for what you sayto me, it's ok! I'm tottaly fine with it. I like to discoverr other opinions and things =) FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIN DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't think I put the bins out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! brb. Phew! They're out! :) Yay. Um, what else was I gonna annoy you with??? Oh yeah. Um, nah. Haven't been doing it long! lmao! A couple of times earlier in the year (just because I was too full) but lately (less than a month) a lot. Ok, so maybe it's not healthy to throw it up, but.. I dopn't know. It's ok! I can assure you it won't get out of hand. Bloody hell, Danielle has been doing it for years! And your worried about one month! :P I don't do it to loose weight though. So.. THUMBS UP!!!! =D Thank you for the concern though :) *licks your cheek* Man, I'm rooted! ANd it's only 7:45am! haha. Christmas.. hmm.. What's Christmas time like for you over their??? Lot of family? Or do you spend it alone??? If it all gets too much for ya, you can coem to my joint and have a barbie with me! :) Danielle will come too! You can just egnore my family if you want. My granny sits up at one end counting calories and planning her excersize rout for the next day. My pop is at the other end of the table farting and twitching (he's got a bad heart, that's why he does it). Then we got my brother (he won't be their though, he's working) but he usually sits their stuffing his face. Then we got my mum.. she'll be yelling at rob for not cooking the meat right, and making sure everything is 'set.' Then we got Georgia, reading out phrases from the bible :| .................................................... ............................... ......................... Man, that all sounded great in my head! but now that I've written it, it's a disaster!!!!!! Bloody oath! You won't wanna come, but you can if you want :) What's ya favourite tucker?? lol. EEk, I have to go now. Sorry! I hope you have a great day! BYE!
from razornotes00 :
Ok, I should be calm now.. :) lol, you thought I was Danielle???? Whoa! Yay! I'm cloning a special person! =D :P :S :| AHHH! I just put my foot near the thingo.. um.. the computer/monitor thingo, and it's really hot! EEK! ...................... *Mr Been laugh* :) You like Mr been???? Where do you live, huh? huh? huh????? Ha, Christmas is crazy :( I don't like holidays either. Well, I like holiday BREAKS! But not the actual celebrations. I believe in God so I obviously celebrate Christmas in a religious way, but all the gifts and shyte bug me, ya know? Man, you're cool! :) PFFT! I am HEALTHY!!! I'm not skinny or whatever, and I'm not trying to loose weight or anything. Well, lol, I AM, but not in THAT way. The sit up: I've done that since year 8, so there's nothing to worry about their. I eat really healthy/sorta healthy :P I like my lollies and chocolate, of course, but I eat a lota fruit and vegies, and drink a lot of water. OOH! :) Linkin Park is on now! Woot woot! I've become so numb! I can't feel you their!! *dances* Everythring that you thought I'd be, has fallen apart!!! Caught in the under toe (wait, it is toe, right??? I dunno.. It's somehting starting with a 'T':P) So tired! So much more aware! Lala la la al ala. Ok, Georgia will stip singing before someone calls the coppers on me! Dude, I'm not smart! You will see that soon (if you haven't already now!) Dude, I can't spell anythign right! Dani will tell you that! I read 15 of your entries thismorning :) You write really well! Beautifuly.. BITCH! AHH! Sorry! *runs to the corner!* I get jealous easily.. Sorry.. ♥ What else was I gonna say??????? TELL ME!! Um.. ha, It's FINE that you asked for the password! :) No, I didn't mean that you intimidated me, it's just.. like, umI was scared that you wouldn't like me and stuff. =D I like you.. hehe! I'm NOT GAY!!!! *coughs* No, I'm good. I like you for you, and because you're cool, not because you're hot.. Well, that too, but.. um.. yeah!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! NO! I have to go now! I'm sorry! haha, bye!!!!!!!!!!! xxx
from razornotes00 :
*sighs* Calm down Georgia.. Man, why do I get crazy right befroe I leave you a note?!!??!
from razornotes00 :
HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from razornotes00 :
Mwhahaha!
from razornotes00 :
HI!
from razornotes00 :
DING-A-LING!
from razornotes00 :
Ok, I'm back and slightly calmer :) Dude, I don't know where to start! When I saw (ages ago) that you and Danielle were talking more and more often, I read all your notes, then I stopped. Something about you and the way you write made me really scared of you and I felt nervous when I started thinking about you.. Like, about talking to you aswell. Um.. I'm not making any sence, sorry! :S At school, home, dland and before I went to sleep, I'd always think about leaving a npote for you, just sayin g'hi' or something, because I really wanted to talk to you and get to know you, but I chickened out. Each and every bloody time! So, I wanna say that I'm sorry for not being brave enough to talk to you and get to know you, and I'm sorry I left it so long. Ok, first thing said, so secondly: MOTHER $%^&#%^*#$@ DUUUUUUUUUDE!!!!!! You kick ass so "mucho" lol! Man, you rock! You're so nice, brave, creative, BRILLIANT, just.. amazing! According to Dani-pooh, you're a "Fucktard hottie" too :P Cool banannas! :) I know that you often (or maybe always) are doubtiung yourself, and feeling bad about who you are, but I am here for you if you ever feel like talking :) You are a wonderful person, you should be proud of that :) You make Dani and so many others feel really happy! So yeah, um.. :D Can you believe it's CHRISTMAS already?!!! Dude, that's crazy :S Does Chrissy mena much to y'all over their, or is it more of the Thanksgiving that means more?? Hm.. It's hot today :( Evil sun.. Ha, my diary is full of shit. It's just about what happend that day and crap, no poetry or fancy stuff like everyone elses user: razornotes00 pw: alangibbons Ok? Cool banannas :) Whoa! That was really freaky!!! I just had a little vision/picture thingo in my head of you swinging on a swing! hahahahahahahahaha! Um, I'm not looking at you or anything though *puts down camera, gun, baseball bat, bomb kit and night vision goggles* ............. haha... I'M NOT A STALKER!!!!!! *covers gace* DANIELLE IS!!!!!!!!! NOT ME!!!! Go ask her! Yup! Her, not me :D Lala, dude, you're awsome! TATA! xxx Georgia
from razornotes00 :
Aw man, about 25 minuites ago, I had (for the first time in my life) a candy cane! *eye twitches..* *hands shake violently* MUST.. must have... ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >_< Ok.. *looks at packet of candy canes* *10 minuites later..* DUDE! I gotsta sore neck :'( Do you have a sore neck too? Ok, serious business here: Nah.. no serious stuff!! =D lala lala lala.. I'll come back when I calm down :) *waves*
from idontpretend :
Omg, go see a doctor before I fly up there and BEAT YOUR ASS!
from idontpretend :
You better...
from idontpretend :
That's horrible. I'm sorry your family sucks so much. How can people care so little? You really should go see a doctor.... :(
from cheekyash :
haha yeah. it's almost taken over as my number one lullaby (almost, but not quite). hope you're well angel, we haven't really been in contact in a while. the pain sounds nasty, hopefully it's settled itself as a distant memory for now ♥
from miedema2002 :
OMG your parents sound so mean! I'm so sorry.
from cheekyash :
"hey. wait. i've got a new complaint." i've been listening to that song for days now, nothing but
from cherrygash :
Thanks, hey I can kinda relate with the 'talent' thing, or what you're supposed to be doing. It's hard, confusing, and frustrating. I quit school for now because I've taken alot of generals but can't decide what direction I should go. It feels like I can't tell directions and I wouldn't even know where to start. but I do believe everyone, YES every1 of you people(even the idiots) have something special in them. it's god's gift. I just wish he'd give me a blunt sign. you're such an interesting person, well of what i can tell on here, but don't belittle yourself because you don't know what you want, alot of people don't know.....(like me!!) i just don't wanna be one of those ppl who change majors 7 times, or graduate and then realize that's not what i wanna do. cuz im not that patient. hoping you find something in yourself((even the littlest of things)) :D
from xxplaydeadxx :
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! get one aim!!!!!! it's fucking working right now!!!!!!!! i'm just not signing out. maybe it'll work.
from xxplaydeadxx :
ahahaha...you'd think i'm a big loser. i'd freeze up and have no clue what to talk about. :P are you a verizon customer? 'cause if you are, then yes, you can call her phone. :D ok. i'm going to bed now. i love you!!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
neeeyope. no cell phone for me. brittany has one though. i don't like 'em. do you have one? is it verizon? 'cause if it is, i can text you. if not, i can't. meh. haha. yep. we're a bunch of weirdlings. :P <3
from xxplaydeadxx :
ok. i'll deal with the wind as long as i get snow. it never snows. like. ever. ='''[ i know he's not worth it. but i already did it. i feel miserable right now. i don't even know why. i'm trying to convince myself to go hang out with the little weirdos...but...i don't know. i just can't. *sigh*shit. ow. i just accidentally reopened a cut. my wrist was itching so i scratched it, like the dumbass i am. and now one of the cuts is bleeding. urgh. i think i'll work on more layouts later. when i get done with notes. i don't think i've replied to georgie yet. nope. i haven't. better do that in a bit. :) hm. what's your meeting about? have fun, bud. :P sorry. that sucks...whoa.. my eyes just freaked out and things started shaking...weird....anywho. i still can't figure out the aim thingo. so i give up. fuck it. maybe one day we can talk when i'm at cat's. *sigh* no. i take it back. i'll try again. happy? ....good. i'm expecting a great big hug. i just got really tired all of a sudden. aaahh!!! my arm is all itchy! stop itching!!!!!!!! sorry. god...they sound like they're having fun in there. they're all cracking up. :[ maybe later on i'll be able to drag myself in there. if my head stops pounding. i uninstalled the aim and now i'm going to try to reinstall it. *sigh* this better fucking work. urgh. yeah. so i'm gonna leave georgie and xeison some idiotic notes now. i love you.
from idontpretend :
With those drinking skills, you could get a job as a brewmaster!
from xxplaydeadxx :
just had to make sure you were completely sure that I LOVE YOU!!! =D
from xxplaydeadxx :
oh my fucking god. michael just came in here and tried to convince me to go out with dustin!!!! =S he goes "come on! go out with him!" and i laughed and said "god you're so retarded!" and he's like "I'M SERIOUS!" i laughed and then just stared and said "whatever." and he goes "he's willing to lower his standards for you." =0 i kicked him really hard. he laughed and said "hey i'm just telling you what he said" and i told him to get out before he made me really mad. he left. little prick. urgh. 13 and 14 year old boys. what can you do with them. yes, dustin is 13. haha. right. i'd so dump the greatest girlfriend in the world to go out with a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD BOY THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOWWWW. haha. losers. they're goofing. he totally doesn't like me. anywho. heh. that dream sounds weird.......what? what??? i'm so confused....you keep calling me a sicko and i'm STILL not understanding it. please explain it so i'll actually follow. please!!!! =S no, you'd never told me about thanksgiving. haha! i cracked up picturing some dude just shoving his face. =D hahaha. it's such a funny picture. um. what was wrong with you laughing?! i wouldn't have been able to control myself either. i probably would've fallen off of my chair, actually. no joke. YES! give me all the SNOOOOOOWWW!!!!!!!!!!! oh shit. i heard brittany say "michael stop. you're being mean." so i went out there and walked after him and dustin and i asked him what he did and he said "nothing!" so i asked again and he said the same thing, so i pinched a little part of his neck and he ended up falling down and dustin was cracking up. then michael goes "i'm telling haley!" and i said "What? what are you telling her?" and he goes "that you're cheating on her." i laughed and said "right. with who?" and he goes "dustin." and dustin said "hey." and michael goes "oh yeah, i wasn't supposed to tell her." and we're both "tell her what?" and michael's like "that you like her." and i looked at dustin and said "he's going to keep trying to convince me that you like him, so you need to just kick his butt." and michael goes "he does!" and i said "he does not!" and michael said "dude. don't you." and dustin looked at him for a while and said "...yeah." and we all laughed. i said "retards." and michael said "he does!" and dustin looks at me and said "yeah. *does the kissy thing again." and we all cracked up. i just said "y'all are such losers." jesus. help me, angel! they won't leave me alone! =S ok. i'm shuttin up. sorry for rambling on and on about this shit.it's funny though....I LOVE YOU! =D
from gigantor21 :
Haha, no, I actually have crazy telekinetic and psychic powers, and I'm stalking you on top of that. In fact, I'm right behind you right now.
from xxplaydeadxx :
Heh....it's not working now!! Urgh! And Yahoo never worked either. And MySpace fucked up. So I give up! ='( My ear is burning. Hm. :P....anyway....wait....how could I think WHAT? Huh? Huh? HUH?! I was hot, so I took off the long sleeve shirt. Now I'm cold. WHORE AIR!!!!! (&($*&%($&%($&%#)@)*@)@ ....sorry...outburst....I know I know. EDs are the devil. AND those sites lure you in and usually just make you worse. Dammit. I fucked up the keyboard AGAIN. Fuck! So I gave up on my bio. I got like half of it done. I'm going to finish the rest of it in the morning, then Aunt Kim's taking me to the library so I can print it off. Don't know why I just told you that. Somebody got yelled at a minute ago. Don't know if it was Brittany or Aunt Kim........He never got around to the talk he said he was going to have with me. Yesssss! =D Now watch, he'll call me in there in a minute and totally bitch me out. Everyone [except me and Aunt Kim] is shoving their faces right now. It's really gross. They all flock around the food like it's some sort of god or some shit. Hm. That's one of the very few times he even gets up. I'm not kidding. Oh! He's having the surgery Monday!!! Yes! A break! =D *does happy little dance* Woo! Sorry. I'm rambling. Hmmmm....Yeah. The friend was Catherine. =S I'm so glad she decided to not do this to herself. I tried telling her she's beautiful, but apparantly she doesn't believe me. ='[ ..No. I haven't seen that show. But try to remind me and I'll watch it Sunday. I love love love watchign things about girls with EDs. Yep......Hm.I'm sorry you've been feeling so bad. Are you ok now though? I really wish there was something, ANYTHING I could do to help you feel better. And you know what? No matter how bad you feel, you're NOT giving up. Because I said so! I'm not allowing you to give up. =) Because I LOVE YOU and I REFUSE to lose you. GOT IT?! GOOD. =D I LOVE YOU!!!!! Gonna go read now. I LOVE YOU! <333
from x-dead-x :
Thanks Angel. I talked to Daniele about it and she told me bascically the same thing you did, and I realize you guys are right. That's not the way to do it... Here lately things have just ben piling on me and it won't stop. My cousin has to go to court for assault charges on the 21st. He'll probably get a few years for that. My great uncle is dying. I never really knew him that well you know but he's younger than my grandma, which means she could go anytime... And that's not cool.. I was just thinking and thinking and thinking way too much. I was thinking about my greandpa that died a couple years ago. I was thiking about how maybe my aunt was right about my litttle cousin being the favorite... Because I was an aweful little shit when I was a kid. I even know that. I still am... And then he said that yesterday and it all just seemed so perfect. Save time, and lose weight. Become beautiful. you know... basic stuff... Never once did I think there was a better way to do it... But now thanks to you and danielle I know. And I will try those ways. Thank you so much Angel. I love you!! Enough about me. How have you been? I hope you've been amazing. much♥!
from x-razor-x :
=D I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
from x-razor-x :
♥_♥
from x-razor-x :
^_^
from x-razor-x :
it's angel, the HOTTIE!!!!
from x-razor-x :
*yells* oooow! look at THAT hottie!!!
from x-razor-x :
wooooo!!!
from x-razor-x :
*whistles*
from x-razor-x :
it's worrrrrrrrking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D yay!!!!!! heehee.....um. yeah. =/.... hey, don't be sorry, it IS funny! he's so stupid.... i was yelling today at the volleyball game for the dude to kill jake. mwahahahahahaaaaaa....didn't happen though. ='( ...oh what the FUCK?! i won't fucking think you're gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! unless...you fucked an animal...you didn't...did you?..... =P heehee. um....what was your lowest weight? if you don't mind my nosiness....urgh. i know...just....i actually AM overweight though!!!!!!!! and it just drives me crazy........i'll be careful though. promise. =D and yes, i'm sure it's ok to send something to cat's. she doesn't mind. :) she'd be happy with a little note thingo or something. :) she doesn't care. hm. she'd like anything, really. she likes purple stuff...haha...i hate purple.......i don't know. you'd have to ask her, i guess. lalalala....shit. i still haven't taken a shower. better get to that.................................i don't wanna. maybe i'll just take one in the morning......................................................... my eye hurts. queer eye... hm. well. i guess......i'll do something now....don't know what though........i should study. or take a shower..........but i'll play around on here. :P i love you!!!!! *hugs* ♥
from cherrygash :
hi, ((hugs))
from xxplaydeadxx :
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....still not working. >=P gay gay gay. i'll figure it out eventually. i hope. hmmm. yeah, jake's an idiot. megan told me that people used to be really mean, pick on him and shit, he wouldn't talk, etc. now he's popular and thinks he's funny and blah blah blah. and he's a fucking dick to people. see, him and haley went out in 9th grade. that was before i really KNEW haley. i had a class with her, but we couldn't stand each other. she thought i was a "devil worshipping lesbian" and i thought she was this off preppy chick. i was right. :P she was all preppy because...well....she was trying to fit in, ya know? be "normal" or whatever. anywho. i thought they were a really weird couple...but after school got out for summer, she just didn't call him or anything. didn't talk to him. but she saw him at some thing about a week or two before 10th started and he was with his buddies and she decided to go up to him and give him a kiss [[*barfs* *finds jake and fucking KILLS him*]] and talk to him a bit. then she didn't talk to him again. not even when school started. then she started going out with michael. [not my brother :P] after a while she broke up with him. 'cause she liked me and knew she was a lesbian. she went back out with him a while later. broke up with him again. told me she liked me. waited a few days and asked me out. i said no. [i feel horrible for that.] then a few MONTHS later [probably like five months, i know, i know. i'm fucking terrible] i got sick of crying nonstop over this and stopped being selfish and told her i really liked her, after she got really upset for a while and told me she was in love with me. then BOOM. :D we're together.....she said that when her and michael were together, jake'd give them this really evil go to hell look. :P loser....so. i really want to be nosy and bug you to tell me what you told Xeison, but i'll refrain. :P oh my god. we have this week, and like two days next week then we have a review day, then we start midterms. i'm so nervous!!! geometry and chemistry are going to be really really really hard for me.... =( urgh. soooo. did you get cat's address? i don't think so. i'm gonna email it to you now. :) I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from xeison :
imn so sorry, i messed up horribly, i cant fix it, im so sorry :'(.
from xxplaydeadxx :
it won't let me sign in. it keeps saying that the aim server couldn't be reached. urrrrgh. going to bed. i love you!
from xxplaydeadxx :
=D witchxxxhunt
from xxplaydeadxx :
urgh!!!! this fucking thing is pissing me off!!!!!!!! it keeps saying my screen name thingo needs to be fixed.....what am i doing wrong?! aaahhhaaaahahahaa!!! TTE$RTE^$%^&$%&^%HB TEEFY#$%^&^*&(*( fucking hell.
from xxplaydeadxx :
i just read Xeison's entry, and i gotta tell you...you're hot. shut up. you aren't disgusting. nowhere fucking near disgustin. and i don't mean i have a crush on you. but you're hot. k?! k! =D
from xeison :
Angel, you ahve nothing to be sorry for, you did nothing wrong. You have no more "flaws" than anyone else does Angel, and you definatly do not have physical ones, but Angel, please know, it doesnt matter how many flaws you have, you are my elder Sister, and i love you *HUGS* ♥ ♥ ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
i can't reply to everything right now, but does aim cost anything? i'll download it if it doesn't. if you tell me HOW to. :P i'm an idiot. gotta go to sleep. i love you!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
so where was i? hm. so i like the sites. but i'm going to try not to let the stuff get too in my head. seeeee, i just ate pringles. so i'm doing good thus far. :) haha, you didn't sound lectury!!! thank you for caring!!! =') *hugs* DON'T WORRY!!!! =D i's gots this under contuhrol! :P aaaw thank you. i'm glad you like my layouts. :D hm. i agree. good lyrics....i just need a picture..... =|*ponders* what kind of pic for it? huh huh huh? i dunno. i'll figure some kind out. i'll have to make one now, 'cause it'll bug the hell out of me. :P heehee. hm. =( more panic attacks? do you have any idea what you can do to make them better? i wish i knew how to help. and the nightmares and scary thoughts....yep. know what that's like. well this fuckin sucks. here we both are having the same shit going on, but neither of us has any idea how to make it stop. >=P gay gay gay... boooo.....so. how was your retarded sunday? oh man.............................i don't want tomorrow to come. i dread school more and more every damn day. =/ it's the 3rd.....my birthday is in just a little over a month. =S urgh....ya know something?....i don't think eating right is going to last long. 'cause i don't feel like it. i wasn't ready to eat when i did. i just did it so haley would stop worrying. and so y'all wouldn't....but trying to stop when you don't WANT to doesn't work out too well. i don't know....maybe i'll start wanting to, for me, not just for everyone else..... *sigh* i'm sorry. that must've sounded bad. i didn't mean that i don't...care or anything. that i ...hell, i don't know. it just sounded bad. i'm sorry. i didn't mean anything by it.....hm. and while i'm saying this, i'm eating more pringles. isn't that funny? :Pyeah so i guess i'll end the retardedness now. :P I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from xeison :
i, um, im sorry, i know im being stupid, im just, really, scared. i really need to talk to you.
from idontpretend :
You're welcome sweety. I'm glad it matters to you that I care. I care enough to worry about you. :o I wish we could hang out or somethin'. Heh. I hope you put the pieces together soon. *hugs*
from xxplaydeadxx :
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
you seem....pissed. and exhausted. what's wrong? same old, same old? or a new, shiny problem? are you ok> huh? huh? huh? ?! ! ? ! #$%$^& huh?! I LOVE YOU!!!! LOADS AND LOADS OF LOVE IS IN MY HEART FOR YOOOOOUUUUU!!!!! =D
from xxplaydeadxx :
happy saturday to you too! =D
from idontpretend :
Hey, what's up? Haven't talked much lately. I hope everything's going ok. Everything is going ok, isn't it?
from xxplaydeadxx :
wow. god, that pissed me off. who the fuck does he think he is?! i wish there was some way to get rid of him without Xeison having to go. ='(
from xxplaydeadxx :
[email protected] :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
of course. email away. thank you for the compliments. :) makes me proud of myself. :D um...shit. i wish ishaan would just....go away. xeison said he's going to tell the doctor about this stuff when he goes. god, i really hope he can get help. =( you're not retarded. you're brain is just taking a break. :) it'll snap back soon....no. i don't feel better. i mean, i do, kinda, but......i don't know. =| um. i'll try to get cat to tell me her adress now. i love you. thank you so much. i'd really love that hug right now.
from x-razor-x :
it's ok. :) talk whenever you feel like it. i'm glad you're semi ok though. i love you.
from x-dead-x :
OK. I'm glad you're ok. I was getting kinda worried... and why did I worry? Because you're so damn cool and I lvoe you so damn much. lol. I have those days where I just can't put things into words, too. It really sucks. I'm ok. I'm really really sleepy, though. So I'm gonna go to bed. Bye bye!! ♥!!
from x-dead-x :
where are you? Are you ok? I miss you =( I love you!
from x-razor-x :
hey!!! where the hell are you??!?!!?! i love you!!!
from cheekyash :
we all need somebody to relate to. no matter the situation, it's always a comfort.
from xxplaydeadxx :
woooo! go you!!!! $15! =D um. tell me the friggin idea!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ='( :P nope! you're not gonna think of something to get me!!! i'll win!!! :P heehee. no, i think you will think of something. even though i don't WANT you to. =S hm. HAPPY MONDAY TO YOU TOO!!! :P i gotta go to sleep now. eyes are shaking. =S I LOVE YOU! goodnight!!! ♥♥♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
yes! tell me the idea!!! hmmm. you're right. i don't own everything...yet! :P haha. um. there are a lot of cds i want. like...a lot. :S well ya know what?! you're insane if you think i'm anywhere near being near being near to being CLOSE to being beautiful!!!!! AHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAHAA! <_< >_> >_< hm. have you heard of the manic street preachers? i'm trying to download their song 4st and 7lbs...it's got really good lyrics........but the thing is being retarded. =/ uuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry. it's pissing me off. i think i forgot to take my pill this morning. =S not good. um. i might have to get a root canal. =S noooo! i don't wanna!!! ='( oh my god this thing is making me so damn mad. i want that damn song!!!!!!!!!! i haven't gotten to hear it. i've wanted to for months and months though. ='( >=| fucker. at least cut is downloading right...so far....it's by plumb. :) um........i better go. he's up and in a really bad mood. i love you!!!!! good night!!! ♥♥♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
lmao! is that what you were going to get me?! hahahhahahahahaaa! =D go me. and cat. haha! i win i win i win!!!! =P oooh yes. i love vault. it doesn't really make me super super super hyper anymore. just...super hyper...sorta. ;) it wakes me up. :)...i know i wouldn't be completely satisfied if i lost all this weight. but i'd feel a lot better. i mean....i don't feel too bad about ME anymore. just how i look. i'm starting to kinda like me [[just kinda :P]]...but i hate how i look. i see a fat, ugly girl. i've always ALWAYS been overweight. i've always been made fun of for it. i've always felt terrible about myself. i've always just wanted to be skinny. i want to be....95 pounds. i know. underweight. but it's what i want. or 100. one of them. that's what i want what i want what i want. i'll get there. one day. somehow. i will. i'm determined. *sigh* thank you. and i KNOW you aren't disgusting. even though you feel like it sometimes. you really aren't. i love you. i hope you have a good day today. love you. ♥♥♥
from amazinfuckup :
man, it kills me that we aren't drinking buddies. sigh. maybe some day. we will do the robot and trash hotel rooms like rock stars, and thanksgivings won't phase us because we will fly to france. <3
from x-razor-x :
iiiiiiiii didn't buy anything. because i didn't have any money. but cat's mommy got me a shirt and some eye shadow. :) pretty pretty pretty. =D i'm sorry you feel so bad. i feel quite shitty atm too. =/ ok ok ok. just...don't....hell i don't know. if something's ever bothering you really bad, just tell me. =S *sigh* humm......god i'm so tired. i have vault, but it's not helping. i'm listening to the new my chem cd. =D yay..... so. you gotta get a little more detailed. 'cause i have no idea what a typical thanksgiving is like for you. EXPLAIN! or i'll kick your arse!!!!!!! :P love you. :) urgh, dammit. i will NOT EVER think you're crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #%^&^%&%&GGRDDGVW$#%$#%^%^&^%&$% NKMJMKYR$%^&$%&H*&(GFH$%^&$%FY(*)IF%@%%$T^G*HU^M GOT IT?! GOOOOOD. :P hm. so how was today for you? ♥ i'm gonna go now. do something.....i guess......maybe.... =| i love you!
from idontpretend :
Wait'll you get a load of my Thanksgiving entry.
from xxplaydeadxx :
happy thanksgiving. i hope you had a good one. at least a little good. *hugs* um...you need to write about how you feel too. even when it'll make us worry. i love you! or if you don't wanna put it in an entry, then write me a note. or send an email. ALWAYS. every single time you get even a LITTLE upset... I'M SERIOUS. evvvvvvvvvvvverrry time!!!! ;) no. you don't HAVE to. put i'd appreciate it mucho. :) i love you!!! and i don't want you to hold things in, because that just makes it worse. i know you tell me a lot though. thank you for trusting me. cat says hi. well....... my uncle doesn't love me. i guess my mom does, she's just really fucked up. =( and i know cat's family cares about me. =D i love them so much! they're so cool and so nice to me. :) hummmm. so. i'm gonna shut up. so i can try to help miss aisling [did i spell that right???] yep. shut up! i'll call you amazing all i want, dammit! you're amazing!!! cat said so too. ha. i win. ♥ i love you!!!!!
from idontpretend :
I don't have enough programs to comfort me. Most of them I watched with her. I can't watch them anymore. I have my prime time programs. New episodes that have nothing to do with her. Other than that, I'm pretty much screwed.
from cherrygash :
im with you on the dream thing, sometimes i think i'd make a killing turning my dreams into horror flicks...wow...that'd be some new genre....shit. well, im sorry...i know how it goes, i have them almost every night, there's no advice i can give you; except that whenever i tried interpreting them with my T some things made sense...but i have those dreams where everything seems so fucked up that nothing can make sense. but i guess it did help them stop for awhile once i started figuring out what some things stood for. RX:no horror movies/novels, no playing with furbys and definately taking two tylenol (at least) then call me in the morning
from idontpretend :
Thank you, I need friends like you very badly right now.
from xeison :
Nobody, and i mean NOBODY, is too good to be part of your reality. i know you dont believe me, but it is true. i hope you have been ok. i love you ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
&&& you don't have to worry about losing me. you're not going to find out what you'll do when you lose me for a LONG time. i'm not going ANYWHERE!!! ha. you're STUCK with me! =P i love you!
from xxplaydeadxx :
it made sense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ya know what my new name is?????? huh??? do ya do ya do ya??? huh huh huh?!?!!!?!?!?!!!?!?!? angelld. =D the text thingo messed up my name. :P um................................. your note............... it made me feel REALLY GOOD. but like i'm stupid for making y'all worry about me. =S i'm sorry. i'll try to stop being such a re re. i just...flipped out. i just....i can't take much more of this. but i don't have ANYWHERE that i can go, ya know? like...nobody care about me. nobody. not adults anyway. no family. they all hate me. =| queers.............................DON'T BE IN TEARS!!!! NO TEARS OVER MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK?!?!?!!?!?!!!!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!!!?!!??! DON'T CRY BECAUSE OF MEEEEEE. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok. got that settled. :) i know...he's a retard. i don't get why he has to act like this. but whatever. he's not worth me hurting myself....um. i'll just get him back in the worst way: i'll be happy. ha! i win!!! =D I LOVE YOU ANGEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥♥♥ thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for being so nice. and caring about me. loving me. it means the world to me. i love you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok i'm shutting up now. i love you angel! thank you for being so amazing. i love you.
from idontpretend :
Wow, that last entry was kinda trippy, in a kool way. Kick some dream butt!!
from cheekyash :
maybe you know what it's like inside my head more than anybody else i've ever tried to explain it to. it sounds a lot like you just described your head as i've tried to with mine.
from x-dead-x :
Thank you so much! You have no idea how much it means to me that you said that =) I'm positively ecstatic! lol. I know what you mean about the emotions going haywire, mine have been doing that alot here lately too. One second I'l be nice and calm and the next somebody will say something and I'm up their face ready to attack. lol. I dunno why that happens. Its quite possible I'm schizo... It does run in the family... Anyways. I gotta go to bed its like almost 10:00 and we have a big day tomorrow *rolls eyes* *yawns* I ♥ you!!
from xeison :
No, i didnt delete it, it just was not working for some reason, it is now though. im sorry Angel, i cant tell you here, i need to talk to you about it, becuase im not sure what to do :(. im so sorry. i love you too ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
:) ok. it's a deal. :) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! you always make me smile. ♥ that "i'm on the verge of self desructing" is from a from first to last song. :) world war me. it's a great song. i know!!!!!! the kitty is soooo cute! her name is helena. :) i messed with her a lot though and one of my hands is all dotted now from her claws. and a finger is cut from it. :P haha. didn't hurt though. i love frustrating animals...wait. that's bad, isn't it? :P haha, now that song is on. :D ........ i'm so tired. and my head is hurting really bad, even though i've already taken something for it. *sigh* god. we only go to school tomorrow and tuesday. =S i'll be really lucky to survive this week..................... god. i'm going to bed. i love you. ♥
from x-dead-x :
Oh I felt so awesome! lol. It took me about 10 minutes to get up enough courage to do it and then the 3 minutes it took him to reply felt like eons. I was thinking "he's not gonna reply, he's gonna think I'm a retard... etc.," but wow. In the end I won! yes yes yes! lol. Hell no I won't hesitate to do it again! lol. So are you ok? I read that entry and I hope you are. I LOVE YOU! And I put a pic up. Just one for now, but There will be many more as soon as I get this film developed.... And I promise it will get done this week. *crosses heart* OK I gotta go. I ♥ YOU!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
='( ya know what? we took pics last night. a few really retarded ones. that should make you smile for at least a minute. what's wrong now, babe? smile, dammit! :) I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥♥♥ i gotta go to CHURCH now. [[i'm with cat of course]] i love you!
from idontpretend :
Oh gawd, that's what I'm going through right now. This "amusement" ride from hell.
from xeison :
Sister, please forgive me :'(.
from x-dead-x :
Dude, I was so mad at myself! I finally go to Wal Mart and I leave the roll of film in the damn car! I think tomrrow afternoon I hafta go, so I am gonna remember them this time! I'm gonna practice on the paper crane and make you a pretty one =) lol. And what kind of paper crane would it be without a special message encoded in it?!? lol. Mucho ♥!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
ok. i promise i will! =D I LOVE YOU, you're my Angel! I LOVE YOU! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
WHAT ARE YOU SORRY FOR, LOSER?! =P it's not a big deal. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
&&& thank you SO MUCH for helping him. or at least talking him out. of it. i love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
yeah... i've been half ignoring britt and megan and the tv to talk to him.
from cherrygash :
ya, sorry i was unstoned and it was scary for awhile there. fuck people ya know?? hehe *ChErRy
from xxplaydeadxx :
fuck. WHY though? what's happened? ='( dammit. i don't know how to help. what....dammit. what happened?!
from xxplaydeadxx :
yes, i could tell. and it's GOOD!!! =D aah! yes, i have tried to help lift and damn king size matress. i fucking fall over. haha. :) what the hell? i just found a random screw driver [[SCREW DRIVER!!!]] on the mouse pad thingo. haha. where the fuck did it come from?! :P i just flicked a bible. :P oooow! god! i'm so sorry you're in so much pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok. so. i've seen pics of you. you are neither ugly nor slutty looking. she's a fucktard, in your words. :P i HIGHLY DOUBT that i'm gonna get to go to megan's house. i don't think her mom likes me much. brittany is being a little bitch yet AGAIN. >=P it'd be wonderfully nice to get the hell out of here tonight. CABLE GUY??????????!!!?!!?!?!?!?!?! FUCKING EW! um. IWANNAKNOWTELLMETELLMETELLME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't like surprises. no me gusta los surpresos. para nada!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =S yeah. so. i'll leave another note later. i'm going to be NICE and SHARE the computer now!!!!!!! ♥I LOVEYOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from cherrygash :
sorry about the latter, im detoxing and i just always assume everyone will know what I'm talking about. but i like your diary
from cherrygash :
to me, sober or not it seems like we're in some time/space random plane Good to know I have company.
from xxplaydeadxx :
but but but...it only made me sad because i want you to be as happy as you were talking about being. it had NOTHING to do with the drugs thing. um. yeah. she's really bad on it. or she was. i don't really know, honestly, if she's still on it. well..i know she still does a lot of pills....*sigh* whatever though. um. yeah. :/ i don't know what i'm saying. uh....book's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. =D um.......................... i know you'd tell me if you knew. if you find out though...please tell me. :) i'm ok. i'm really ok. i'm freakin super! ;) for now at least....... i feel like...like i'm gonna feel miserable soon. i don't know why though.... urgh. it's about time for tim to pull some stupid shit. he hasn't stirred anything up for a while now... =S are you still on vacation or no? grrr. i KNOW you haven't forgotten about sending me something. i was talking about that earlier. everyone's getting frustrated with me 'cause i won't tell what i want for christmas. >=D haha. i'm not telling! :P uhm. this just popped into my head: you don't think...that i like.....think badly of you or anything because you've done drugs and stuff, do you? because i DON'T. i actually admire you for not doing it anymore.... just wanted to make sure you knew that...... dammit. my foot's asleep. wake up, bitch! :P sorry.... so i guess i haven't really blabbed as much as i said i would, have i? ummmm. hell no you have NOT been a bad friend lately! if you don't feel like doing a long note or whatever, then you just don't feel like it! it doesn't make you a bad friend. it just means you're not in the mooooood. :P ok. shutting up. i love you!!! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
you can always take your time on the notes. and you can talk to me about whatever it is. doesn't matter if it takes me three hours to read the note 'cause it's so long. :) hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i don't know what to talk about. so i'll tell you that i got a new bag of lollies! =D lalalala... and a new book. it's called kissing doorknobs. it's about a girl with ocd. gah...SO FREAKING MUCH of the stuff are things that i used to do constantly/am currently doing. =S sheesh... ah! i don't know what to talk about. so you eventually get around to leaving me a note. ((and maybe at least give me a HINT as to what's wrong)) and i'll blab blab blab. :) I LOVE YOU! ♥♥♥
from idontpretend :
How you holdin' up? Just wanted to say hi. Um....hi.
from xxplaydeadxx :
& & & are you ok? i mean...i don't know. just.. are you ok?... ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
oh shit. ='( i'm crying. i'm scared about Xeison. i don't want him to get hurt. i wish we could just go over there and get him so he could live with you and be happy. ='( i'm still so lost as to what's gone on with him. like where he is and what all's happened in his life, ya know. you've told me a bit, but... =/ dammit. i hope he doesn't get hurt... i love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
='(...i love you too...
from xxplaydeadxx :
no....he said he doesn't know how. i'm scared. ='(
from xxplaydeadxx :
sorry, i just HAD to get that out!!! =P hahaa.... aaawww. you're entry. it ALMOST made me cry. if the part about drugs hadn't been there, tears would've shed. :P i was like "aw. i want her to have all that stuff. i want her to be happy. ='(" and then i saw all the drug parts. i laughed and thought "ok, not THAT happy" :P haha. yeah, you DO fall a lot. it's ok. i do too. :P i've gotten much better. oooh. i fell getting off the bus a couple months ago. =S stupid me! haha. it hurt like hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! um. ?.... i had crutches a few years ago. i was walking down the driveway and tripped. hurt my ankle reeeeally bad. i used my crutches as weapons against my brother! >=D haha. i'm mean!!! where's your present??? at the store! :P heehee. i'd love love love to get you a present. i just don't have any money. well, ten dollars. but i don't even have that in my possession. :( my throat is hurting like hell. ='( lalala...hm. i don't know if there was anything else i was supposed to talk about....hmmmm.m........................ i better finish that letter. i gotta find it though. shit. where'd i put it?!!?! i'll find it. i think i know where it's at. pretty sure. :) aaaawwh...nasty cough drop. :) you taste nasty, but you help. muchas gracious. :P lalalala.... what's with all the lalalala's ??????????? my neck hurts. meh. stupid neck.... rawr.... people keep asking me what i want for christmas. i won't tell. 'cause i won't have money and i won't be able to get them stuff. so i don't deserve anything. ='( but i'm fine with getting people stuff and getting nothing in return. it makes me feel good to make people happy. :) um. yeah. i'm shutting up. i need to do an entry. better make it fast 'cause i was supposed to be in bed thirteen minutes ago. =S i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
sponge bob's a fucking homo, i don't give a damn WHAT mr. sanderman says!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from x-razor-x :
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. i so don't miss those dreams!!! i'm so sorry you're having them now. ='( i love you. gotta go to bed now. nose is worse, so is throat. head. had to stand out in the 34 degree weather for about 15 minutes waiting for the bus. the list goes on and on. and i'm fucking sleepy. i love you so much! you'll get a [hopefully] likeable note tomorrow! ♥ good night. i love you.
from cheekyash :
funnily enough i've been dreaming about water a lot lately too. thanks for your notes. i haven't been in contact and for that i'm sorry. i find myself not caring as much about things lately, it's not your fault. sorry i've been weird.
from idontpretend :
Hey, whatdoyaknow, we're both fucked.
from xxplaydeadxx :
alright alright.if you say so........ so. what did you put in face--down??? huh huh huh??????????????????????? i did a random look at the members area thing and saw that one... what is it?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!?!?!?!? hm. uh oh. what kind of fit is your mommy having??? eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewww. you like spongebob?!?!! i freakin HATE spongebob!!!!! i called him gay one time and mr. sanderman went into this long explanation of how sponges are asexual so he can't be gay... :P mr. sanderman is seriously a pothead. he really truly IS. :P he's so funny... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh. when i was in second grade, we raised these stupid littler caterpillars. i was afraid then too. =S so. how did you break those bones? i want stories!!! give me stories!!! :P <3 *hugs* i love you!!!! good night!
from xxplaydeadxx :
i haven't broken ANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hurt my ankle really really really bad and had to have crutches once though. =/ i'm shocked that i haven't broken anything. i'm pathetically clumsy. noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! you HAVE to tell me, dammit!!!!!! i.... i get really upset when a friend spends time with another friend. =/ like... whenever megan or cat would [or do] go somewhere or have someone else over, i get really depressed. like, friday cat and whitney went to a concert. i stayed here [not because i WANTED to though]. then last night cat was at whitney's....whenever something like that happens, i start thinking people just don't want to be around me, like they can't stand me. maybe that's stupid though..... haley's super afraid of bunnies!!!! =P i'm terrified of....butterflies. they're evil though!!! people have SEEN them attack me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha..... i straightened my hair. don't know why i told you that.... we have lab tomorrow in chemistry. =/ i don't know what we're having lab on though. that means we have to wear our hair pulled back and those stupid ass goggles that hurt your head. *mumbles "stupid..jasdnir;jnvfj bitch ajsfkjasii"* catherine is such a comment whore! [on myspace] sheeeshussss..... i'm gonna leave her a retarded one....heh heh...ok. i'm done with THAT stupidity now. ;) lalalalallalalalalaaaaaaa.................. oh shit. i still haven't read!!! =0 i gotta do that!!! i love you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *hugs* <3
from xxplaydeadxx :
=D you're welcome!!!!!! i guess i should be sure to let you know that more often, huh? :) *big big hugs that totally beat yours* :P aaaaaaaaaaahh! i feel so much better.... well. when you told me that stuff...i felt like maybe... like maybe i made you think you aren't as important as them. and that's just so not true. i talk about you ALL THE TIME and i think about you even when i'm not yakking about you. [[hope you aren't creeped out:P]] i worry about you just as much as them. SO DON'T EVER FUCKING THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! got it?!?!?!!?!?! =D *hugs* i love you so damn much!!!!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
as soon as i got the notes from him i cried, i was so happy. =') i love you, angel.
from xeison :
Angel, it has nothing to do with them, this was all my fault, im a failure, a horrible failure, but im not leaving you Angel, i made you a promise, and i have no intention of failing you. im so sorry. i love you so much too Angel, im sorry.
from xxplaydeadxx :
='( i know. i read it as soon as he posted it. and i started crying. i left him a note begging him not to do it...he hasn't replied. i've thought about it for 2 hours now. I'd give anything to just make all of you be happy.....angel. i may have all them...but THEY aren't YOU. you're just as important to me. if it had been YOU that had taken a lot of stuff a few days ago, or if it was YOU that had written that entry today....i'd be just as upset. there'd be this huge hole in my heart if you were gone. don't ever EVER think that just because i have other people that i'd be ok if you left. because i WOULDN'T be. ='( ....yep. i got a big bag of [[nasty]] cough drops. but my throats feeling bunches better now. phew! :) ...small town is such an understatement!!!!! like i think i've told you before, there are only about 750 kids at my school. that seems like LOADS when you're in the halls though. =/ *sigh*ok. i'm gonna do.....i don't know. something. =/ i love you, angel. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
*cries* awww. now i wanna go corrupt the nation!!! *stomps* :P nooooo. my computer isn't possessed....it's pretty stupid though. ;) urrrrrrrrrghh!!!!! i wanna grab xeison and hug him until he miraculously sees the truth!!!!!! ='( i hope he's ok...i'm....i'm good. throat is...bleh. but it's not too bad. yet. =S my head's hurting now though. i stabbed myself in the eye twice with a qtip earlier. =/ how did i do that you may ask...i was putting eye smudge on. i use qtips to do that. and i slippededed. =P oh how brilliant i am! oooooooootttayyy!!! what's your hotel? huh huh huh???? ='( how much did he bleed? like...um. um. ='( but...does that mean that if xeison goes away that you don't have to keep trying? =( i love you. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
nope, i've never flown. and i really don't wanna...ahhahaha! denna wants me to go to church tomorrow so she doesn't have to be alone. HELL NO!!!! =/ re re....i told her neh neh neh neh boo boo i'm staying HOME!!!!!! haha. hey! shut up, arse face!!!!!! it IS far!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 'cause 'cause 'cause.....it is. :P lalalala...listening to 30 seconds to mars. :D YOU NEED TO FIND A WAY DOWN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'd go up there, but i don't drive and i have school and i live HERE, with THEM and i wouldn't be able to!!! =''''( [[it's crying a lot]] i'm so bored! they never get movies unless they all want to see it. if IIII want to get it, nope! unless they want to too. or at least brittany. !!!!!no es justo!!!!! it hardly EVER snows here!!! it's been raining A LOT the last few days. =/ it keeps being really cool then really hot. >_< haha...yeah, come down here and i'll give you ibuprophen!!! ;) i think it'd be a shorter trip to just go to a store near you though. :P jeeesus fucking christ! rurruruuriowje;rqoiupo vi2u3p4187n095g87h5069un poyhjpskvfhjlghev ;rhtgleksjhc woopse. the computer made a beepey noise then a search thingo popped up. haha! i just leaned back and looked up. i think there's a lady bug on my ceiling....there have been so many of them in here....i can't tell. hm. sooo. cat found the film with the pics of me and her on it...but she's yet to get it DEVELOPED!!!! :P it's 3:32. yep. thought you should know that. i'm thirsty. i want chocolate. i don't have any. ='( here comes another fit:.......... aoitruw0349f9u98d703475uojngnv jcoi5hjwo;l4i juyv2o woopsie!!!!!! now there are a lot of numbers and letters in the address bar.... =0 um. where'd you get your layout? did you make it???????????????????????????????????????? it's pathetic how little of a life i have. i'm 16. i'm supposed to be out doing stuff on saturdays. but i'm not. =/ i only have ONE friend that will put up with me on the weekends. one that i can stand anyway. i'm gonna shut up. this is like...the dumbest note in the history of dumb notes. >.< heehee. ♥ LOVE YOU!
from xxplaydeadxx :
i DID keep being happy! =D i'm trying not to let it get to me. it's not worth it. it's not like it'll change anything. so what's the point? um. i think i slept pretty good last night. i don't remember. that's a good sign. must not've had nightmares. i pretty much always remember them. i at least remember a scared feeling. i don't though. :) gah...that dream sounds like it was really scary! *hugs* i wish i coulda been there to help calm you down. ='( um....michigan is WAY UP THERE and tn is...well. it's here. ;) heehee. michigan. my ex-best friend, raven, was from michigan! we were friends from fourth to sixth grade. then i moved. we stayed sorta buddies till seventh. then...lost touch. yeah....anyway. so michigan. it's not close at all to tn. =/ we're like...i'm trying to find out how far.....well hell. i can't find it. we're not too close though. ='( um. yeah. can you take ibuprophen? they help me, most of the time. try them. :) slc punk! is about these punks in slc. :P haha. seriously. it's got matthew lillard in it. it's so funny. i suck at telling what things are about. =/ just...sean says "satan is in my house....he killed my mom....and turned her into a bull" :D he's really high on acid. he mistakes bob for jesus, even though bob has a mohawk and looks nothing at all like jesus. there's this crazy dude that has loads and loads of money. mathew lillard (stev-o) has blue hair...it's crazy as hell. and awesome!!!! you should definitely check it out sometime. :D wait...then don't drive! FLY!!!!!! =P haha. i'm afraid to fly. =S scawwy. bleh! dammit. i'm so sleepy now. and my throat is feeling worse and worse....i think i'm gonna lie down now. ♥ good night. i love you!
from x-razor-x :
ok then, it's settled. we're gonna meet one day. and we'll take it from there. we'll push to live with bam. :D he'll fall in love with you and you'll have little bams and angels. ;) little....bamgels. :P that's so retared. sorry. :D so my mom showed up like 2 minutes after i finished the xxplaydeadxx entry. =/ i had thought i was going to release all the anger on her...but when she came in here i didn't look her in the eye. kept my attention on the computer. she tried to mess with me hair (hasn't seen me since the hair cut, but didn't even notice. for some reason that really peeved me) and i told her to not touch me. she fucking mocked me. i hate it when she does that. she asked me what was wrong and i was quiet. asked me again and i sait back, crossed my arms, and told her she does NOT want to ask me that. she did it again anyway. again, i was silent. she said "i still haven't been able to get gas to come over here" bullshit!! she fucking drove herself over here in HER CAR!!!! how fucking stupid does she think i am?!?!!?!! urrgh! sorry. anway. i told her to get out. she said "why?" and i said "look. i've been in a really good mood. today was a good day. i don't want that ruined now." and she said "fine. i love you." and went to do the door. as she was closing it i mumbled "yeah, and i believe THAT." =/ i was so angry. i had just kept it in. so i went and grabbed a razorblade, and went to the bathroom. cut my wrist. once. it bled for like...hm. 10 minutes. yep. one little cut. didn't get it all out, of course. but it kept me from flipping out. It's really hot in here. I am afraid to take my longsleeve shirt off though. I have another shirt on over it too... *sigh* my throat's been hurting since wednesday night. =/ i'll try to stop bitching now. i apologize. :) ....i just left to go get something to drink. i moved my hair around to the side and scratched my neck. haha. it hurt... =[ rawr....haha....it's sad that i have to sneek in his room while he's asleep in the living room to steal my OWN ibuphren, huh? yeah. i just poured some in my hand. a headache is starting. i want to kill it before it becomes one of those that makes me cry. =/ um. i don't know cat's address. i'll get it from her sometime. she's gone tonight. going to a damn concert. =/ while i get to stay home and mope. ;) kidding. i hope she has heaps of fun. :) it's a band i don't even know. local. sound presidential. she said they're not even great. but she told andy roo she'd try to go. whitney (whitley) is going with her. :) i'm sticking around here and replying to my buddies. :D i didn't even bother to ask if i could go. i don't have a ride and even if i DID, the answer would be NO. so why bother? no point....no. i haven't seen that movie. but now i want to!!! maybe i can sometime? have you seen slc punk! ? it's fucking amazing!!! =D ....Angel...why do you think so badly of yourself? just wondering. because i think you're truly amazing...i know what you mean. i feel useless too. it's like...no matter how hard you're trying, and how much you see in people, they just continue to deny it. xeison hasn't told me much. i ask, but he hasn't told. =/ he said maybe one day. he just didn't have the time right then...i hope that's what it was. i hope he trusts me enough to let me know things...*sigh* i blabbed so much in here about stupid shit. sowwy. :S um. what now? how's your break going? boring as hell? why don't you.....come to tennessee!!!!! visit us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! woodbury tn. cannon county!!! come here!!!!! you can't even get lost in woodbury, it's so fucking tiny. there are like 750 kids at my school, if that tells you anything. ;) yeah, i know. you can't come here. i'll just pretend like you ARE coming for a visit. :) yeah, i'll shut the fuck up now. bug others with stupid notes and then take a nice, very needed shower. :) ♥ I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from idontpretend :
I understand more than you know.
from lovetilidie :
I know what it's like to starve yourself. I'm sorry you have to go through it. ♥
from amazinfuckup :
Aaaah you always make me so happy :D. Shit, where do you live? I know I know this but I'm kind of drunk and I can't remember.
from sadhaven :
Awesome! And be sure to pass the word around. I want lots of posts and know how the majority of Diarylanders suffer with some kind of addiction or mental illness or both that shouldn't be too hard.
from sadhaven :
Hello, I just wanted to let you know about this new public diary called "sadhaven." It is for people who suffer from mental illness and/or addictions to vent and express themselves. If you would like to know more take a look around. Thank you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
i gotta hurry. my eyes are closing. i'm so fucking tired. didn't sleep enough last night. shared my bed with little megan. um. i love you. bunches. and i know you'll probably never see you like i see you...i just wish i could make you. =/ i love you. i hope you'll eventually get to LIKE yourself though. even if you don't see a really fantastic person, being able to like yourself and see good things is better than despising, ya know? *sigh* i want to ramble on, but i'm gonna pass out. i love you. tomorrow's friday, i'll have till late late late to talk. so i will. =D I LOVE YOU! good night! ♥
from amazinfuckup :
Too well. You know, I always want to hug you. I think if you were closer, we would be drinking buddies. Or maybe we would compell eachother to be better. Either way, <3.
from x-dead-x :
I did I finally found it... It was laying on my bed... oops. If I had only looked to the right it would have saved me from the angriness. lol. Yeah, my mom has some kind of thing wrong with her too. Something about ther thyroid... I know I was bored and I felt like trying to work those annoying problems. and I figured it out! I felt good about it too. I went and bragged to Danielle. ha she looked at me as if I was super insane! lol. Well, I gotta go, my mom's gotta use te phone! ♥!!
from x-razor-x :
♥ Thank you. God. I know exactly what you mean. I feel just....like I can't REALLY help, ya know? And I want so badly to be able to help all of you. I want...I want everyone to be happy. *sigh* I hope you all think about what I said in that entry. It's right. It's right!!! :) I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so so so so much for helping me out so much. It's nice to know I can count on you. I don't want you ever to have to worry about me doing anything. So don't, ok? :) ♥ I have to make this short. It's an hour and 14 minutes past my bedtime. Guess what. My throat is bugging me. =/ Meh. Do you like the Rasmus? YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D ...Dammit. Xeison isn't your FAULT, ok???? And you're not HIS FAULT. =/ Neither of you are a fault in any way. You both have problems. You just...*sigh* damn. I don't know what to say. I just want to smack it into y'all head how amazing you are. =/ :P ♥ I gotta go. =S I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll write more tomorrow. Hopefully in the morning. I love you. Thank you so much. ♥
from x-razor-x :
i know you want to see my hair. if i could let you see a picture, i would. ='(...i....fuck it. nevermind. um. who is that book by? i'll see if it's at the library, or in the one in town...nope. brittany is pissed at me. i told her that makes me happy. =/ thank you for saying all that nice stuff about me. i'm having a really hard time believing any of it though. i can't even help my friend. i can't help her like she helped me. ='( fuck....um. what was i going to say? oh yeah. i hate dentists too!!! i have this big fear of people messing around in my mouth. =/ i hate it so much....i need to go. sorry this was short. i have homework that i have to try to focus on. and vomit i have to fight down. eating then crying to the point you can't breathe isn't a good idea. i love you, angel. ♥
from x-dead-x :
Did you IM me??? I didn't get anything =( I'm sorry!!! Was it on AIM? or Yahoo?
from xxplaydeadxx :
hahaha! i told her earlier today that you were getting peeved about the pics! haha. she found the film! she's gonna get it developed tomorrow. but there are none of my new hair. sowwwwwy!!! ='( maybe soon. noooooooooooooo!!!! you can't spend a lot of money on me. you just can't. =') that's so sweet though. ♥ um...you can ask cat if i already have the thingo. she'll know. :) and she wants to know something so she can bug me. :P so. did you think that message was mean?....otay. i no make fun of ewe for your dream!!! =D ...i still feel retarded for having the sissy little bitch ass cuts. =/ oh well....haha i just told toke i'd totally screw amy lee....he's being silent...he changed the subject. ahaha.....cat's saying she's hot too...he said he ♥s lesbians...haha......i do too!!!! aaaw. thank you. i know haley's pretty. how did i get a pretty one???????? and she's so skinny.....how did i get her?????? sheeshus....hey, leave cat a note. she's upset b/c people aren't talking to her. haha. ...oh god! cat hung up on toke!!!!!!!! ahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa! >=D god. he's talking about leslie, leslie, leslie! whores!!! >=P ....oh lord. me and brittany are arguing. when we're finished i'll post the rest of the messages. haha. i'm so mean. what all was i supposed to say to you? i don't remember. it's late. it's 11:52....i gotta go to the dentist tomorrow. boooo. =/ um.............there won't be any suicide. i promise. i need to do an entry now. i feel like shit. ='( ♥ I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from x-dead-x :
Oh I dunno if a 75 is a C or a D... I don't care, really I just know its passing!! =) lol.
from x-dead-x :
Wow. That sounds alot like Gadge's mom. She liked me at first, but then all of a sudden *BOOM* she hates me? What? How? What the fuck did I do??!?! Then the little bitch moves him to another city. Why? To get him away from me no doubt. I thought it was strange that as soon as me an him started hanging out she decides to move. Apparently so "She could keep a closer eye on him" bullshit. What has she ever done for him? Move him away from all his friends in California to a little hick ass town in Tennessee (not that I'm complaining about that. If she hadn't I never would've met him) and then as soon as he gets comfortable in that school move him to another? JEEZUS! I'm getting mad. I'm gonna shut up about that. I have some bitter feelings, too. lol. Vacation expires? Well that kinda sucks. I wish I could get good grades and do nothing for a week. Man, that's be nice... I might pass Geometry.... Oh yeah! I got a 75 on a quiz in there! I was so happy! I was showing everybody and half of them were like "Dude, its a 75. That's a D." And I was like "I don't fucking care! Its the first passing grade I've made on a quiz in here!!!!" Hells yeah! I was proud of myself. lol. Well, I'm gonna go to bed. Hope you have a great vacation and don't get in too much trouble *wink* lol. Toodles! I ♥ YOU!!!!!!!
from x-dead-x :
No it doesn't just happen to you. My ex... Oh god... That was the worst ever. I basically ditched my friends for him. That will NEVER happen again. Either he deals with my friends or he's gone. My friends are more important to me than a guy. I think dads are intimidating to guys just like moms are intimidating to girls. I mean, I used to get really shy when Gadge's mom was around... She scared me. She petrified me and I don't know why. Now I would love to punch her in the face for making him move and then not letting us see each other. My mom won't let me drive 10 miles away to meet him and hang out. Its just not fair. I complain about that alot... PRobably too much. Subject change! What do you plan on doing on your vacation? Anything grand?
from x-dead-x :
Dude I was thiking the exact same thing when I had to pay it! lol. I would've asked, but I was too busy trying not to make eye contact with Haley and bust out laughing because 2 days before I got a lecture about how I should return it on time... The new library lady clearly doesn't know me =) lol. Well, I hope your vacation is stupendous! I'm sure it willl be because you're Angel and everything you do is stupendous =) Gadge? shy? ha ha. Hell no! The only time I've ever seen him the least bit shy was when he met my dad. My dad is like 6'4 and a big guy. It was pretty funny though. To show you how unshy he is I'll tell you how we first met: We were at a football game and he just came up to me and hugged me and said "I LOOOOVE YOU!" No he wasn't drunk or stoned or anything. That's just how he meets new people. It kinda freaked me out though.... But then we became friends, and its all downhill fromt here =)
from xxplaydeadxx :
hahahahhahahahahaha!!!! that made me laugh so much. you're funny. :) ♥ oh god i know the dream you're talking about. i can feel my legs stop and feel me pushing myself but i just can't move. they scare me so bad. TELL ME WHO THE DREAM WAS ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! i had a dream that britney spears died a couple of years ago. i was so sad in the dream, but i haven't like her in AGES. :P hahaha. see? i told you a funny dream. NOW YOU TELL ME!!! :D um. so that letter....let's see. front back, front back, front back, front. :) and i'm not even done!!! =D i told you a lot of random facts about me/my life earlier in it. :) hope ya don't mind. :) i saw fight club...well, parts of it. haley distracted me. quite a bit. i was at her house. >=D ahahahaha! :P sorry. yeop....this is random but...do you like family guy? haha. i have stewie pajama pants. :P yeah, i love pissing people off like that. earlier brittany was pissed at me (over a sucker--i explained it in the letter) and i was listening to lacuna coil. "heavan's a lie" came on and i'd turn it up everytime she said "set me free, your heaven's a lie" :P haha. uncle jackass might be having the other surgery tuesday. so maybe i'll get a night's break from him. *crosses fingers* hahaha...i can tell you her pw!!! :P heehee. I TOLD YOU NOT TO APOLOGIZE!!!!!!!!!! I ♥ LONG NOTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sheesh!!! :P ♥ recommendations?...devine evil by nora roberts. the luckiest little girl in the world and the best little girl in the world by steven levenkron. eyes of a child by...robert north patterson (i think that's it--or it's patterson north). yeah there's a lot more. i just can't think right now. i need to go to bed....so. did you watch those flash things yet? they're so funny/retarded. i think they'll make you at least smile. :)...send me whatever you want!!! anything from you will make me happppppppppppppy!!! =D just don't spend much on me. i don't want you to waste TOO much money. ♥ ok. now i'll shut up. i love you!!! ♥
from x-dead-x :
Its perfectly all right. I forget alot of things too... Like evrything. I've currently lost my english book, and I had a $1.05 late charge on a library book (costs 5 cents a day.) I am the most forgetful perosn on te face of this planet lol. So I dunno what up with Gadge. He's really really confusing =( So how are you? How's your vacation?
from xxplaydeadxx :
PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/banana.php
from xxplaydeadxx :
EVIL STRAWBERR: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/strawberry.php
from xxplaydeadxx :
:) ♥ hmmm....let me apologize in advance if there's some parts that you can't read in the letter. i actually am writing pretty good in this letter. amazing... :P i usually write really bad. mmmm i got a sour apple lolly pop!!! =D ....listening to afi.....feel like i'm gonna barf....ate mcdonald's....bleh.....cutcutcutcutcut you up....sorry. afi....i'm dancing in my chair. haha. :P i feel good today. didn't at first. now i feel...relieved. yesterday was such shit....hahahahhaha. fuckity fuck fuck. that's great! :P my cousin in gonna read your diary. i think she's gonna add you.....yep.....ok so this note is...pointless. haha. :P hope ya don't mind. i really don't think you do...lalallalallaaaaa. ahhh! school tomorrow! i don't wanna goooooooooo! ='( ooh but we're out tuesday!!! =D yay! lalalala. have you heard the llama song? what about watching the evil strawberry? badger/snake/other stuff one? and the best: banana phone?! you gotta seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 'emmmmmmm!!!!!!! i'll put linkies that won't actually link but kinda will link....hahahahhaaha......♥
from x-dead-x :
Hey Angel! This is cat, I have anew diary, but the user name and password are the same as the old one. This is where I'll put all the important stuff. So the cat-45 one will basically be an empty shell. Could you possible delete this after you read it? I love you forever and aways! ♥!
from miedema2002 :
Hi, I love your diary!! I enjoy your writing style very meaningful I like! I couldn't help but notice that your archive page is a little messy and the entry titles overlap making it hard to read. If you go to "Change your template" and go to the click her link where it says "change how each entry of your older html page" looks you will see only a few lines of html code. Around the first or second line of code you should see a short code written like this..."<FONT SIZE=+1" Change the plus to a - minus sign so that it looks like this "<FONT SIZE=-1" That should fix it right up. Ignore this if you don't care to fix it I just thought that it would make navigating easier for other members. Take care. Bye.
from cherrygash :
incredible insight, funny
from xxplaydeadxx :
well, the letter is quite retarded. ;) i'll probably write more tonight. =D i wrote some when i got incredibly upset today...yeah....haley is. well. i don't know. i'm so lost as to what's going on. she thinks she's bipolar. but jayna never listens to her so there's really no point in telling HER, now is there? nope....*sigh* maybe she SHOULD tell her. i don't know. knowing jayna she'd just find some way to blame it on me. and maybe she'd be right. maybe it IS my fault...i don't know. shit. don't get peeved at me for saying that. i guess i didn't really mean it. i was just...talking... =/ GOOD!!! lucky days are GOOD!!! =D ayayay....i need to do an entry thingo. yep yep. i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
thank you, beautiful. :) i know we really love each other. and it's wonderful and terrible all at once... =S um. i've been told that i'm depressing. =/ i am though...ooh ooh ooh!!!! i'm writing you a letter!!! i got two pages front and back so far!!! and i finally got to make you an i ♥ you thing!!! =D so you eventually gotta let me send it! cat said she'd send it for me. she made you a thing today too. :D...nope. no dream diary. i've thought about starting one a few times, but just never have. =S maybe i'll get around to it one day. maybe not. :P ....yep. 70! =P i just can't figure out how to put separate templates on the same diary without it messing up. =/ oh well. this works. :) so, wonderful. how was YOUR day today? hmmmm? ♥ I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!! ♥♥♥
from xeison :
I'll respond to what you wrote tommorow if I can get Xeison to let me, for some reason it will not post. Angel are you my elder Sister too, or only Xeison's? -Ai
from idontpretend :
That's the way society is, but you have to learn to stand up to society, and not live the little white lies.
from cheekyash :
you're welcome baby <3
from cat-45 :
Yes! I'm not the only one who likes penguins! lol. Thanks, that note actuall made me wanna kinda not drop the stupid class. Which I probably can't anyway cause its the last math class I hafta take... So, you hated math, too? Its never made any sense to me. I mean after learning multiplication, division, addition, and subtraction, what moer do I need? And Chemistry? Why the hell would I ever need to figure out the whatever temperature of a piece of metal??? I don't get these stupid teachers and these retarded classes they teach >=( Anywho, How are ya? Anything exciting and stupendous(sp?) happen today? or yesterday? or tomorrow? lol. Well, I'm feeling rebellious and wanna break something, so I'll ttyl! Toodles! ♥ you!
from xxplaydeadxx :
aaw. thank you. :) ♥ i think you deserve A LOT of slack off days! you work hard, so you need some breaks. :) all i did for halloween was put on some glow in the dark lipstick, my usual make up, and wore brittany's little black rose crown thing. :) i had make up on already, but took it off and changed it. :) it looked cool. :D heehee. um. TELL ME! TELL ME ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OF THE STUFF YOU TOLD ME NOOOTTT TO ASK YOU!!!! pwease.... *does sad face that melts your HEART* ='S harhar...we need to harass cat about getting those pics of us developed!!! urrrgh! :P do you like lacuna coil? they're great. :D my day was good for the most part. there's a terrible thing to. nearly cried. i forced myself not to. i shall go write about it now. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
thank you for helping me so much. thank you for being my friend. i love you so much. you're always there for me, no matter how much shit you have going on in your own life. i deeply deeply deeply appreciate you taking so much time to talk to me. you don't have to. i never did a single thing to deserve a friend like you. ♥ you're amazing. and i really want to meet you. i think that's added to my goals...yep. it's there. :) you're beautiful too. in any way you could possibly think of. and you always crack me up too!!! ((especially when your computer is pissing you off)) =P i wish i could like send you a hug from me in the mail. :P that would be great. you deserve so much more than a hug though. i'm sorry it took so long for me to do this note. i had told megan i'd go with her so she wouldn't have to be alone with brittany when she got all pissy. and i've had an ass load of homework every damn night. >=P It took about 3 hours to finish most of it tonight. I'm not even done with like ANY of my chemistry. fuck. school is so retarded sometimes. =/ oh well...so how are you, lovey? i hope you had a good day. ♥ I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok so i know this note totally SUCKED and was so NOT worth the wait, but...it's all i could think of because my brain is worn out! ='( sorry. i love you! ♥♥♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
alright beauty. i can't talk now. gotta go to bed. but there's a little something for you in x-razor-x. i love you. good night.♥
from x-razor-x :
*sigh* i love you. a lot....thank you for thinking of me. that makes me feel wonderful. ♥ so i'll just talk to my mom. she won't have a problem with it. :) thank you. aw. i love you! oh god i know what you're talking about. i do that every night that i don't take a seroquel. i'll be so tired i feel like i'm gonna pass out and never wake up...until i lie down. it fucking pisses me off! so...why don't you see if you can be put on sleeping pills?! duuuuh. ;) ok so i HAVE to go to bed now. i love you! ♥♥♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
i feel...eh. like, i'm still not happy. still not sad. still not angry. i'm actually tempted to pour all my seroquel down my throat. went from the anti-depressants to the sleeping pills. hm. yeah. i'm not gonna do it though. nope nope! :) just...eh. fuck...wow it's 8 already. good. i want to go to bed...nope. not allowed to order stuff, not allowed to get mail without him looking at it, sure as hell not allowed to not tell him who it's from and where they live, how i know them, etc. not allowed to talk to people on the internet, not allowed to do anything, really. you're right. he is a fucktard...you don't have to give me something to thank me for being your friend. :) just being my friend is enough of a gift...that was soooo cheesy! i honestly didn't mean to sound like that much of a cheese...sheesh...haha. :P aaww. i sowwy you're tired. =( sleep!! :) ok, i gotta do that (sleep) now. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. :) i love you! good night! ♥♥♥ I LOVE YOU!
from vomit-stars :
Thank you. I haven't written anything substantial in a long time :\ maybe this winter will bring me some inspiration.
from xxplaydeadxx :
♥♥♥♥♥♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
whoa. that note was long! =D
from xxplaydeadxx :
HERE I AM! =D um...yeah....i think it might be ok now...maybe....ok. so...haley asked me yesterday if i "do the bulimia thing for attention"...it made me really upset. and i asked her what the hell she meant by that last night...she didn't mean it the way she said it. she meant...she meant to ask if i WANTED attention brought to it. like if i wanted aunt kim or someone to find out. and i upset her because she thought that...well, she thought right. she thought she upset me. but i was ok, just confused. wondering what made her ask me that. so she did this blog thing calling herself an idiot and something about she may as well kill herself...she's so sorry that she upset me 'again'...all kinds of shit...i think i'll send them (the blogs) to you in an email b/c her myspace is set to private so you can't just go there and read them...that is, if you WANT to. if you don't, it's cool. :) but...i got to see her at the play. i hope she gets that i'm not THAT upset about it...gah...so yeah. i'm home now. had to come back b/c megan called cat's and was needing to go somewhere b/c her mom and stepdad were wantin her and her sisters to leave tonight. but her mom and dad said no b/c last night we all got pretty loud....=S and megan's mom is really strict about when megan has to be home and shit. and she refuses 98% of the time to bring megan over or come pick her up. she's a bitch. major bitch. so cat's mom doesn't appreciate being bossed around like a baby sitter. i don't blame her for that. and yeah, it DOES seem like she's takin it out on megan by not letting her come over, but she really isn't. i get that. so does megan. and megan's moving next weekend. gah i cried about that earlier....and i think i'll do it again NOW...damn...so anyho, i came home so megan could come over here. i REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY wanted to stay at cat's but....it's the last time i'll get to see megan for god knows how long [not literally ;)]...where they're moving to is like 40-50 miles away. and her mom isn't gonna let her visit...so we're gonna WRITE. ha. she's NOT going to make her lose touch with me whether she fucking likes it or not...i just hope cat and her parents don't get mad at me for leaving. i mean...i think cat understands...and she KNOWS i don't want to be HERE...just....like i said, megan's gonna be gone. too soon...and...i go to cat's all the time...so...hopefully they won't be mad or think i'm trying to be rude...'cause i'm really NOT....=/ ...i can't put a pic up yet!!! i don't have any! and i'd have to get CAT to take them and like scan them or upload 'em to her computer....SO BITCH AT HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! ;) heehee. YES! I WANT A SURPRISE! GIMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GIMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P hahaha.....yeeeeah...si, still on fall break. but we go back monday. damn. i don't wanna! stupid arse holes...i hate 'em...grrrr...oh man. you'll go crazy when you're off work! i sowwy. um...we shall think of fun things for you to do, k? k. :) oh yeah. where is xeison? have you talked to him or anything? i'm getting really worried. yeeahh...well, i have to go eat. i'm starting to feel sick. it hasn't even been like...hm. i think it's been six or seven hours. damn. that's not cool. oh well. =/ stupid stomach. stupid food. die die die!!!!....sorry....I ♥ YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
ok! i want a surprise! =D haha. i'll put a pic up as soon as i can. i have to rely on cat for the pics thing. =/ ya know...it's nice to have you be all "haha-blah! :P" in the notes you leave me. that didn't make sense. uh....haha....like. you're all "neh neh neh neh boo boo!" :D yeah....it's nice. :) ♥ um...you're at work to WORK, not BLAB. so ha! idiots. i hate people. people are stupid. ;) well, some of them are. some of them are great. :D ((like YOU!)) :) sugar makes you hungrier. i read that in a book about eating disorders. said that bulimics get really hungry if they binge on sweets, even if they throw it up, because the sugar's already had time to kick in and do it's thing by the time you puke it...yeah, so i don't remember how it was put in there, but whatever. ;) URH! i know! he's such a stupid assie! he only hates my hair b/c everyone else LOVES it. and he says "your hair is your GLORY" so i say "well my GLORY SUCKS!" and he gets so pisssssssed off! haha...he hates for me to be happy about something. if he can ruin it, he will. but see, no matter how hard he tries, i'm not going to let him succeed anymore. no more! =D ...he made me nervous earlier. asking me how me and my mom are getting along...i said pretty good. he's like "hmm...pretty good...." and i was like "uh..yeah...for now..." =S i don't know what he's thinking....i think he'll try to make me go back...i don't wanna go back...jesse drinks too much. and he's mean when he drinks. and besides all that, they don't have internet there. so i'd die. b/c i'd never get to talk to you or any of my other friends on here or read y'all's diaries. i'd go insane and shoot myself. =0 and i really don't wanna have to do that! ='( ...this computer is being super retarded today. =/ stupid computer....bleh....ok i guess i'll hush b/c i really don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. :P ♥ you bunches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥♥♥
from cat-45 :
Thank you!! I was really afraid of how it would turn out, but I really do like it! How have you been??
from xxplaydeadxx :
ahahhahahahahaaa! that note made me crack up!!!! and i was trying so hard to be quiet! :P hahahaaa. ummmmmmmm. yeah, the candy probably is what's giving you the problems. but you don't really NEED to lose weight anyway. you just WANT to. i mean, that's ok, but i think you're perfect the way you are. don't forget that!!! :D....haha, another hotdog. he's a real big fan of the little cake thingos. like the little debbie type things. =/ so yeah, next time he's saying something i'll be like 'hush up and eat another cake' :P haha. get screamed at. oh well! ...haha i just realized yesterday was one of my 'friend's' birthday. haha. denna. that's bad, huh? oh well! too many 'oh well's' and 'haha's' and ''s =P gah. i've talked SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH today! and people keep agreeing that i have a big mouth. i run it too much. ='( fine! i'll just go back to being quiet all the time! that's how i USED to be! and everyone tried to get me to talk. now everyone tells me i talk toooooo much!!! wtf?!??!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!?!?!?!?!??!???!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @#^%^&^%*#^%&@%^@%^#$%#Y$%$*&^&*(*&)*&%R^&E%$%&%^@%$$%^%$^%#$%&^%*$^&*(%*)*()^(#$%!#!#...woopse. some pop-up thing came up. HAHA! =S i'm all happy and i don't even know WHY! =D lalalalalaa...ok i'm shutting up! ♥ I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥♥♥
from idontpretend :
At least it's a step in the right direction. :)
from tofalldivine :
Thanks!
from xxplaydeadxx :
stupid mouth is stupid huring. =/ yes! layered! i reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealllllyy wanna go get that done tomorrow. just called cat twice and no one answered. i hope she's on the internet instead of gone. =S....so i didn't even get to eat half my ice cream. i'm fightind down puke right now. =S like 90% of the time when i eat ice cream, i get sick....meh...so why'd i eat it? 'cause i've had nothing else and i wanted some chocolate...well i have to pick this up later. computer is being stolen from me. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
and and and...i wanted to thank you for talking xeison into starting a diary and asking me for my pw. he's beautiful. and i'm very happy to have him as a friend and i owe you for that as well. :) ♥ you!
from attempt52 :
"All I know is, I've never felt as glamours as I did all those years ago, prancing around in drowning dresses behind a hideous mask of beauty paste with my best friend attached at the hip. " that was perfect.
from xxplaydeadxx :
sunshine? haha. :P um. i'm getting my hair layered. might get to go with cat thursday and get it done with her and her mommy. but i don't think so. aunt kim said she's probably not going to have the money. =( but she was supposed to make an appointment for me...about 2 1/2 months ago. SO. but whatever. no point bitching anymore about it... *sigh* so. i loved your entry. it made me kinda sad though. i can just imagine a little you running around doing that. it's funny...ow! ok so maybe smiling isn't the best idea....fuck....grrrr. i'm sleepy...i have quite a few more notes to reply to. better do that. i love you! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
=S meh. i love you. i can't talk much right now b/c my head's starting to hurt and my teeth...ow...:( i love you! maybe i can reply to your notes later today. :) I ♥ YOU!
from cheekyash :
*hugs back* amazing latest post angel. amazing.
from cat-45 :
aw. thank you so so so much. That note made me feel so much better. The comparison to you and your brother is basically the same with me and my cousin. She's the perfect one, I'm the angsty one. Fall break is only a week, but its a much deserved week. Geez school was becoming unbearable. Everyone needed a break. You heard about the suicides, right? There was another one just Saturday morning. That's the 3rd one in about a month. Its crazy. I think everyone wanted/ needed a break from that hell hole. Well, as for plans... tomorrow me and my friend Whitney (whom I never get to see now that we're Juniors) are going to buy the new My Chemical Romance cd. I'm really excited about that cause that cd is gonna be amazing! Then Thursday me and Danielle are going to get our hair cut. I'm thikning about getting mine dyed black with blonde highlites. =) But my hair's never been dark before and I'm afraid I won't like it... So how's work and life?
from cat-45 :
Ha ha. Nothings new really. We're on fall break... bleah. What's new with you?
from idontpretend :
lol, it's ok. 'nuff said. :)
from idontpretend :
When did this happen? Who is it with? :o
from xeison :
You do not need to be sorry, it was my fault, not yours. That was very sweet of you big Sister.
from xxplaydeadxx :
now why would that make me think you're a skank? huh huh huh?????? :) i liked that entry. :D see. it wasn't bad. it was very well written, i think. yeah yeah yeah. 'you're delusional'. i've heard it. ;) i loveses you! i must go to bed. meh. stupid head is hurting. stop!!!!!! ='( ok good night! i ♥ you! *hugs* ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
wellllpp...then she's asleep! loooser! she sleeps so much. nih. hm let's see...my favorite fftl songs are world war me, waltze moore, and secrets don't make friends. :) note to self is really good too. :D lalala...oh dude i do the same thing. i can't ever remember what was in my notes. :) um...i might get to get my hair cut thursday! =D sorry. just popped into my head....oooooooohh.. i love nin! :D they're great! ya know what?!?!!?! you should do a youtube search for fallingforyesterday. i think they put it all together on there....or separate the words. i dunno. they're great. :D the singer signed MY SHOE! =D yop yop! nooooooo!!! it's not sad that you only have memories to write about! it isn't it isn't! and you NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER annoy me! i love you to death! and i think you're REALLY interesting! i'm shcoked that you pay attention to me. most of the time people ignore me. cat even does. ='( oh well. i get pretty boring i guess....stupid cd player! play the cd! i hit play! aaah!!! sorry. =/ *mumble* idiotic cd player...i'm glad i don't have to deal with writer's block. 'cause i never try to actually write anything. except like...what's happened. i have big big big problems when we have to write papers in english though. and we have to write quite often. um. my uncle just sucks like that. he doesn't want us to be able to talk to people. haha. i find ways. >=D i'm not supposed to have one of these or a myspace either. i'm a bad kid i guess. yeah right. i'm a GOOD kid. people just don't believe me. and that's GAY!...um. yeah. i don't get why he won't let us have a messenger. he has to be such an ass about everything. *sigh* shutting up now. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
from first to last. :) on repeat. the cd heroine. es muy bien. =D do you like them? i looooove them. =D slutty glory? hahhahahaa. you're funny. :) well dammit! post the entry!!!! isn't funny how we talk pretty much every day? it's cool. :D i love you! lalalala...um. yeah. has cat replied to you yet? i wonder if she's on myspace. probably. either that or she's ASLEEP again. :P um...haley had a dream a few weeks ago...about killing her mom with a hammer. haha. she's had it twice now. hum. yesterday was my mom's birthday. she came over. i didn't even realize it was her birthday until my brother said something about it. it wasn't that i forgot it was her birthday, it was just that i forgot yesterday's date. i've been messing the date up all week. =/ ok so there was absolutely no point in telling you that....haha. i'm so bored. oh shit. i gotta reply to georia's email...better start on that now. ♥ you! :D
from xxplaydeadxx :
=0 you called me a slut! *slaps your face* *apologizes and hugs you* :) yay soup. soup is good. ok i'll tell cat to stop being such a loser. :).......there. hmmmm. i gotta get up at 5 in the morning. =/ i'm so not wanting to get my teeth cut out!!!!!! sheesh. so. how did your day go other than being sick? ....so you had a dream about killing your whore of a mother? oh that was mean, huh? sowwy....i wanna know about the dream, pwease!!!! >=D it'll give me ideas...i mean...what? :P ♥ you!!! get better! now! :D ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
don't you hush ME, skank!!! :P aaawww...thank you. you make me feel good. :) but but but...you actually know me better than most of my friends that see me every day do. seriously....:) um...my mommy's best friend scarlette had a bad experience with acid. she was going to put the tablet thing on her tongue and she was in a car...they hit a bump. she had 2 tablet...they both went in her mouth. she didn't know. she looked for the other one...got pissed 'cause she couldn't find it, and 2 days later, she had no idea what had happened. :P scarlette's awesome. like...she's done a lot of bad stuff like that, but she's so cool. she's been like a mom to me. :) she's obsessed with ozzy osbourne. :) she has a lot of problems. depressed a lot. some major eating issues....yeah. me and her are so much alike. she's always said that. :) she's doing good now that. she's been straight for like 9 months. :D um...why am i even telling you this? you probably don't even give a fuck. sorry...aaawww!!!!!! you're sick?!?! *gives you a hug and bowl of soup* *you refuse the soup* *i tie your arms and head so you can't move* *you glare at me* *i say 'too damn bad'* *i force your mouth open and pour the soup in* =D i hope you feel better soon! i think i'm getting sick too. my throats startin to feel funny. and i was sneezing earlier. =S it's haley's fault. SHE got me sick. raaawwwr...:P she was sick. drank after her a few times. oh damn. and kissed. see, she told me she was sick AFTER all that. arse hole. :P ummm....when are you going to update?!??!!!?!?!?!?!??!!! :P when you're sickness isn't attacking you. duuuuhh...sorry. i momentarily forgot. ;) *rolls eyes* :) .....jacob left me a note....dude. hahahaa. that's so funny. he said "if i did that, then that would mean i used you"...and that's exactly what i put...haha. we're getting that whole him not talking to me thing straightened out.:) ok. i go bye bye now. i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
Hi!!! I would've replied yesterday, but Cat hogs the computer. ;) Nah, she shares...a little. Haha. Um...what's Smack about? Who's it by? Urr. Whenever I get a book about eating disorders or cutting or suicide, I have to hide it because when I got the cutting book, everyone made this huge ass deal about it. It really pissed me off. If I wanna read it, I wanna read it. It's none of anyone's goddamn busines!!!!!! >=P God...um. No. I didn't know the guy. I know who his sister is though. It's been all these people that you'd least expect. Happy, popular...They have good lives. But then something bad happens, and they just end it. It doesn't make sense...Of course, they could've just seemed happy. Like I said, I didn't know any of them. But my friends knew two of them....so....i don't know. God. It's so fucked up. It's getting really scary, actually. Because you don't know who's gonna do it next. Could be anyone. And we're not even sure why these are doing it. *sigh* I just want it to STOP. =( ......um......I AM disgusting though. I mean...if you were around me, you'd think the same. If you had to see me all the time....and put up with me. I'm just gross. Like...I'm so fat and ugly. Oh well.....*sigh* Thank you though. You're amazing. I love you!!! Uhhhmmm....I'd like to know whatever you wanna tell me about! Anything you've experienced. If you don't mind telling me, I wanna know! :D As long as you're not doing the stuff still...'cause that scares me.... :S Um....yeah. I guess I'll reply to everyone else now. :) I ♥ YOU!!!!!!!
from gypsyxdance :
I love your writing. It makes me smile cause memories are sweetest when someone else is telling them <3
from xeison :
im sorry, im so sorry.
from xxplaydeadxx :
...........wow. that makes it sound amazing. =S um.....thank you for telling me. i've always wanted a real EXPLANATION of how it feels. i knew it was called rolling. and i knew...hm. about 2% of what it was supposed to feel like. i'm curious about stuff like that. not that i want to TRY it, i just...i want to understand what makes people want to do it. i think my mom's only done it a couple times. =/ um......yeah, i know that they didn't mean to hurt me....but it DID. and i did it earlier. only like....half forced though. i ate spaghetti, knowing very well that everytime i eat it, i puke. i did it anyway. i was half hoping i'd get sick. but see....i can't just throw up if i feel sick, ya know? never really have been able to. so i kinda have to force it. like...it WAS coming up and stuff. and i HATE that. so i forced it so i wouldn't have to feel that way. i'm sorry that i'm telling you this stuff....and i couldn't help but think "disgusting"....b/c i AM fat. come on, you've SEEN me. it's TRUE. and i AM ugly. and i do this 'disgusting' thing. i don't always think it's disgusting. i mean...i've even pretty much gotten over the whole having a problem with puking thing....*sigh* so this book is pretty good so far. it makes me feel weird. he's a really good author. i read the luckiest little girl in the world too. about a girl that cuts. it was sooooooooo good. and so far, this one is too. like....he gets it. he was a psychologist. :) yeah, i'm blabbing again. ;) so i'll shut up. ♥ you
from x-razor-x :
well....i started out in a bad mood. only from sleepiness though. on to an extremely good, laughy, hyper mood thing. it was kinda scary. ;) and then on to a bummed out mood in fourth period. you'll read this diary later hopefully. you'll understand why. but i felt a little better. still...eh though. *sigh* yeah. i'm happy, just....it's weird. i don't think i really even know what i'm trying to say right now. haha. :P i feel...curious. i want to know exactly what they think, how they feel about it. yeah, i'm probably confusing you, so i'll shut up about it. :) oh man....if you don't mind me asking, what is it like to be on it? no, i'm so NOT considering it. i don't want to do anything like that. it scares me too much. that's a good thing though. probably the only way my 'rents have helped me. :) i'm glad you don't do stuff like that anymore. it's really dangerous...you knew that already though. :) ♥ how are YOU?
from xxplaydeadxx :
haha. they're different people. :) i kinda forgot about gadge when i was talking about gage. :) woopsie! ...i didn't know that x makes you do that. hm. i know this really stupid slutty girl kristy that's done that a lot. i hate her. she has done so much shit with my mom (like drugs i mean) and makes herself look like an angel to my uncle. he refused to believe me when i told him about it. now he sorta does. she fucked my stepbrother when she was like 20 and he was 16. 20 or 21. don't remember. yeah....she'll screw anyone if she can get what she wants....grrr...ok, why did i start talking about HER? hm...haha....um. well, how many times have you done it? i'm glad you told me though. you don't have to hide stuff from me, ya know... :) aaaw thank you!!! i'm glad you like my templates! i kinda feel like they're....too simple. 'cause i don't know how to do much with them. =/ meh. oh well. :) thank you. i love you!!!
from attempt52 :
thank you very much. your writing is awesome.
from xxplaydeadxx :
and i'm back again!!! :P um. can you look at this pic? http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2006-10/1221930/burnedpaperlyrics.JPG just go there. it's like burned paper. got lyrics on it. tell me if yas likes it. :) working on a template. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
=D i read it all! :) i love you too!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaw yay you smiled! mission accomplised! *gives air high five* *looks around nervously hoping that no one saw that act of stupidity* haha...gah!!!!!! she sounds terrible!!! when you started talking about the sore, i expected for her to have said something about an std or something. i'm surprised she didn't. skank. we shoudl kill her! >=D i mean...*coughs*...what? :P um...yeah. maybe jayna hasn't heard of SLEEPING either. sheesh. her stupididity NEVER fails to amaze me. i'm glad my mom isn't like that....but it's really only 'cause she's the same way. she was with a woman for a few years.....um. yop. :) *sigh* i don't really care what jayna thinks about me. i don't care what she ever says to me. i just wish she'd stop being mean to haley. she's always saying things like "you're so stupid." "you're such an idiot" and just yelling and throwing things at her and gage (her brother). she makes her feel worthless. throws things up in her face. told her before that she was a mistake. she's ruined her life. blah blah blah....haley does everything she can. and it's never good enough for jayna. god. i hate her. grrrrrrrrrr....ok so last weekend we were going to try to be all sneeky and see if we could both go to cat's. well, jayna said "sure."...."is danielle going to be there? 'cause if she is, you can't go" and she said "no." and she goes "you have to understand. if you were with a boy, and he was going to be there, i wouldn't let you go then either" and that's when haley told her she's lying. ha. she IS lying!!! if haley was straight, jayna would let her go out with him. oh well. just because she doesn't let us spend time together outside of school doesn't mean she's going to ruin our relationship. ok i'll shut up! :D ♥ you to pieces!!!!
from lust- :
We definitely do rock! I think we both just need to get away for a while &take a vacation...that would be so nice. I'm just a note away as well if you ever need to talk. Take care, hun. <333
from xxplaydeadxx :
aw yiiiieeeeah...do you like your I ♥ YOU!! thing????? :) i love you!
from xxplaydeadxx :
well now i don't know what to talk about!!! haha. :P ♥ are you lying down? i hope so..........does your head feel better? ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
well that's just GAY!!!!! um...i'm sorry. =( i wish there was something i could do....um...maybe you should try to go back though. deal with the prick to get the serax.... =S meh. i sowwy...♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
=( when can you get some more serax? maybe you should go lie down or something. or EAT. i know you don't want to, but you're head might be hurting b/c that too...maybe just...a little...if you feel like it.... =( *sigh* ...oh don't make me feel worse!!! i wanted to make you one soooooooooooooooooooo bad. i just thought it'd be a waste seeing as how i couldn't GIVE it to you. there were only 5 people i wanted to make one for. haha, leslie got upset 'cause she didn't get one. yeah right. i so don't love her!!! sorry, that was mean, huh? yeeeeeahh.....♥ you though!!! i got an idea... :D ok, i must go for a little bit. britt wants to get on. i shall return though!!!! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
why the hell didn't i just put those 2 together? oh yeah. 'cause i hit done on accident....meh....
from xxplaydeadxx :
i made these i ♥ you things. i didn't make one for you though...i sowwy...
from xxplaydeadxx :
ps: i wanted to make you a thing in art today, but i don't know your address, so i couldn't send it to you. ='( ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
=P hahaha. yes, a roadtrip would be amazing right now!!!!!! ((is that better?)) ahaha. kidding! but...wait...it WOULD be amazing...but....dammit. i've confused MYSELF now. =S meh.....well, you just seem...down. are you ok? ♥♥♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
what's wrong?
from xxplaydeadxx :
you're not fading!!! you're stay right here!!!!!!!! got it?!??!!!!? gooooooooooooooooood. :) i love you, so you can't fade away...ok i sound like a monster tard. and i'm going to worry about you regardless of whether you tell me to or not! because i LOVE you and you worry about people when you love them. so ha. take that. ;) *hugs* don't be sad. be happy! :P ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm............we need to meet one day, so we can stop having to put *hugs* and actually DO it! haha. :D so how are you today? i got rained on. =/ we have a somewhat long driveway and it was raining when we got off the bus. meh. oh well. :) my hair's curly again though. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....yeah i'm rambling. haha. sorry!!!!!!!! :D ♥ you!!!
from xeison :
i am not the one who deserves to be saved, you are, you are the one who created all the laughter and smiles, you truly are what your name symbolizes you as, an Angel.
from lust- :
It's hard to fight the temptation sometimes. But when you put the blade down, it makes you a stronger person. I've been having urges lately too but I just busy myself with other things. I'm not completely OK...I feel like I'm in a rut &need to get away for a while or just surround myself with friends, which is hard to do. I hope everything is amazing for you today. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
*sigh* i love you so much!!!!!! thank you. i needed that. :) i'll talk to her tomorrow.....georgia's ok. she's gonna tell me. :) i knew she would, it was just worrying me that she was keeping something locked up, ya know? i feel more clear headed or whatever now. :) thank you so much!!! um...she's cut a lot. she just hadn't in a while....it scares me that she gets so upset without really having a reason. :( ummmmmmmmmmmmmm.....................come on! tell me how today was!!!! :P haha. i love you!!! ok, i have to send georgia an emial now and i wanna make a new layout.....:) it's 9. i really should take a seroquel...ok, i will. don't want my friends to come back. um...yeah, i knew what d.i.d. is......=( poor guy...man....yep, that's why i take it. they come back when i stop......... =0 um. *yawns* ok i love you! thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! goodnight!!! ♥♥♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
today was a really good day. :D um...i've felt fine. even the day i cut...i just...i hadn't taken my seroquel in a few days and the voice(s) always come back when i do that...um. i only got to take one antidepressant today. i've been having to take 2 b/c he upped the dosage...um...but they finally got refilled today. yay. :D um.....they 2 i was talking about are haley and georgia (razornotes00). haley...she....cut herself last night. her shoudler. i made her show me today...one...is really deep. this gash...it looks terrible. i'm about to cry again....she doesn't know why she did it. she just felt really sad. and scared. she hates to be alone at night in the dark. she just wanted someone with her.... ='( damn. cue the waterworks.....................one moment please......................................ok. :) um...she was saying that she's an idiot. i told her she is NOT an idiot. i tried to make her laugh some. i'm usually pretty good with that. :) a lot today she was sad....i just want to make her happy....i don't want her to be in pain. i want to make her feel better. i just don't know HOW. *sigh* i love her so much it fucking hurts..............um. and georgia. i don't KNOW what's wrong with her. she's sad. she isn't telling WHY though. she said she can't yet....saying stuff about "and i can't do it anymore"...i want to help her too. she's always there for me. she lives in australia, so i can't very well pick up the phone and talk to her, or go to her house, tennessee, australia...yeah. not gonna happen for a while. ='( ummm...what about you? are YOU ok? i hope so...so. what does he wanna know?!?!?!! oh yay i can't wait for him to ask!!!! =D i love questions. i love notes! =D i'm SMILING! =D yay! haha...i'm such a dork...i got homework. damn. sorry. random. um. i left him like 2 more notes today. i hope he doesn't get annoyed by me...=S um........yeah. i better get to work. i'll that and pay attention to this too. haha, i'm a multitasker! ;) it's spanish....meh. :P oh shit! we have a quiz tomorrow! =0 i think i should be fine though............maybe................yeah. :P ♥ you!!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
:) i'm fine...i've been happy. i just freaked out about the new one. she's scary...um. i gave him the pw to the other diary. do you think he'll want to read it? i hope it makes him realize he isn't alone if he does read it...i hope something can help him at least a LITTLE. :(...ahahahaaaaa. you're right. i did push it on her....but hey! she told me when i first said "hey, you need to talk to her, read her diary" that she'd already read it and was planning on leaving you a note. she just kept forgetting. so HA! take that! :P *hugs* i love you!!!!!!!
from idontpretend :
"Bitch" Was this recently? :(
from cheekyash :
parents eh? it's a relief that you didn't let him get to you. anything to make the screaming go away. but that anything needs to have it's limits too. my dad's okay. exact same story. the local doctors all keep saying he's okay in the sense that he's not about to die of a heart attack within the next week just 'cause of the pains in his chest. but he needs to make these changes too. i hope both my dad and yours can finally just do the right thing. and hey, maybe when they feel healthier, they'll be happier (and in effect, much much nicer hehe).
from evangeline06 :
Wow, I'm glad you didn't go through with it. Thank you. Reading that gives me strength and more importantly, hope.
from cat-45 :
I'm glad you didn't do it! =) Don;t give up!!! I ♥ YOU!!!
from lust- :
I'm glad you didn't do it. Keep your head up, doll. <3
from xxplaydeadxx :
aaawww...that makes me wanna cry!...=D but...people tend to not like me. 'cause i'm a bitch. and i'm really weird....um...yeah. :P oh you butt. you forced him to read my diary! :P haha. and i'll 'um whoa' you if i want!!!! haha...no, it didn't offend me...i ended up biting my nails though...yeah....haha. aww. i'm glad i maybe made him a little happy. :D now I'M happy. -er. happier. :P ♥ i love you! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
0_0 um.......whoa. i'm glad you didn't do it. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
you're in denial! you're SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bossy! ;) kidding! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
hey!!!! now you listen here and you listen REAL GOOD! just b/c you're BEAUTIFUL does NOT mean you're allowed to be an ARSEHOLE to me!!!! :D i looooooooooove you too! and don't make fun of me for being confused all the time! fine then...i'll just hide my confusion....*hides in a dark corner and CRIES* haha...and you're totally right: you DON'T deserve me....you deserve people way BETTER than me!!!!! ahahahahaaaaa! :P i know what you'd do without me! i know the answer! pick me pick me!!!! *raises hand and jumps up and down* *you finally acknowledge me* YOU'D GO CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZYYY!!!!!!!! =P i love you!!! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
from idontpretend :
You should take up a hobby. Like knitting. :D
from cheekyash :
it's basically the same situation with my dad. he was helping me move stuff in and out of my room today and dropped everything to clutch his chest in pain. he decided he'd go to work anyway. i convinced him otherwise. he left for the doctor's hours ago, i've no idea where he is now. but hopefully he'll finally begin to do the things he needs to do. i don't think he realises. and thanks for that sweetheart. i could leave you a note everyday saying that your entry was beautiful, but i think that might just get old. but it's true you know, there's just something about the words you write.
from evangeline06 :
I'm in a ...bleh...mood right now. Not exactly crappy, but nowhere near fine, you know? It's okay though, I'll get over it... You love the way I write? Is it that different from other peoples'? huh, who'd've thunk it!? Well, I'll write you later! ~Evie
from xeison :
Just so you know, you are pretty, no matter what you say, and i can see i am not the only one who seems to think so. Thank you so much for making me smile last night, and it was all you, it had nothing to do with me, please remember that.
from xxplaydeadxx :
what are you TALKING about?!?!?! huh huh huh?!?!?! haha...tis i! your dork! :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
hey, butt. i only started it like six days ago. i wanted to see if anyone at all would find it....they didn't! haha. goodnight! i love you!
from xxplaydeadxx :
dude that's such a great song. ok, if i can find a pic like that, and make it look cool, i'll make one! :) yay. i must go to bed now. my seroquel is like 'raawr! go to bed!' i must obey it... ok, i'm your dork! :D i love you! good night!
from xxplaydeadxx :
thought i'd tell ya... all-falldown.diaryland.com :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
gimmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! i love suggestions! i'd just end up fucking it up though...thank you! i'm so happy to be your dork! i ♥ dorkiness! 'tis much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥ you more though!!!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
so what?!?!?!!?! that's only TWO pounds more. TWO! so, let me fix it: *120* is super skinny. THERE!!!!!!!!!!! =P at least you're not 2 something...sheesh.....*flicks your nose again* *hugs* *forces you to look in a mirror* *you realize you're perfect the way you are and thank me for being so awesome* =D i love you!....fine then! be an arse and don't admit the twoof! :P ahahaa. *mwah* ♥
from evangeline06 :
You are not a failure nor are you worthless! That's such a sad thing to do to yourself! I may have my own problems to worry about, but please don't put yourself down like that! ~Evie
from xxplaydeadxx :
what the fuck ever. you're pretty and 118 is super skinny. damn it. *sigh* you're not disgusting. you're not worthless. you're amazing and beautiful and wonderful. got it? goooood. i love you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
one more thing: ADMIT THAT I'M NOT DELUSIONAL!!!!!! :D
from xxplaydeadxx :
i do NOT allow those that i love to explode. um... i wish i could help. just write whatever pops into your head down on a piece of paper and try to make some sense out of it...ok so that's a retarded suggestion. ahahahaa. :P but i tried! :D i love you too!!!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
heehee
from xxplaydeadxx :
AND I'M NOT FUCKING DELUSIONAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
i don't care if you have yellow and purple polka dots, 76 tiny eyes, 3 teeth, an ear in your mouth, one tiny lip and one lip that takes up half your FACE, if you're a good person, then i like you. :) but you don't have to worry about that because you're FUCKING PRETTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *flicks your adorable nose* shut up! :) ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
yes, you're wonderfully talented. :P aaaaaaaaaaaaaawww. you're PRETTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i like the bottom pic of you most! :) ....now i can't remember what that first note i killed said. =/....ahahhaaa. yes, i'm SUCH a note whore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and PROUD! :P thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (for posting the pics, not for calling me a note whore :P) ♥ *hugs* ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
well you have successfully confused the hell out of me. what am i supposed to do?!?!??!!!?! huh huh huh huh huh??!!?!?!?!?!!!!?!!?! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
well i feel retarded! ahhaaaaahahahhaahhaa...
from xxplaydeadxx :
=P ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
*still waiting*
from xxplaydeadxx :
*yawns*
from xxplaydeadxx :
*waits MORE*
from xxplaydeadxx :
*waits more*
from xxplaydeadxx :
*keeps waiting*
from xxplaydeadxx :
*waits patiently to see a pic*
from cheekyash :
it's just *really* high cholestorol or something. in other words, heart attack imminent if he doesn't do something quick. my grandad (his dad) died of it too, so he's just freaking a bit. it's to be expected i suppose. if i was told that i should be dead, i'd be a bit weirded out too. or a lot.
from x-razor-x :
>=P dude. AM NOT!!!!! ow i sneezed and bit my tongue. stupid sneeze!!! sorry. :P um. ok. then write me notes, and copy and paste them and you have entries!!!!!!!!!! :D ahahaa. i think it really is a good idea. or pretend that your writing a note to someone. :D maybe you should try it. You're dad needs to shut up. Assie. He should make up his mind. Ok, that's another one i have to hurt for being mean to you...i have a long list of people now........*evil laugh*......well....i must go to bed now. I ♥ YOU!!!! sweet dreams, my angel. ♥♥♥
from x-razor-x :
um. had to go because cat's parents make us. they get bored too. =/ so i don't really understand why they go if they're miserable too. sheesh...oohhhhhhh. you're not STUPID...you just don't get things. that doesn't make you 'stupid'...i don't know how to explain what i mean...my mom dropped out in 11th grade too. my dad, now HE'S stupid! he dropped out like...hm. i think he said about 2 months TWO FUCKING MONTHS before he would've graduated. because A GIRL BROKE UP WITH HIM. now THAT'S what you call STUPID! :P you should've punched your brother in his face. he shouldn't have made fun of you. he should've tried to HELP you. >=/ asshole...*punches him in his nose*....*kicks him in the balls*....*he falls over*.....*kicks him in his face*....*laughs*......*gives you great big hug*....ha. take that!!!!! sorry. i'm a bit...hm...HYPER today! i had an arse load of sun drop last night and today! not supposed to do that!!!! hahahahaaa. i stayed up until after 3 this morning. got up at like 8....ahhahaaaa! didn't sleep like any though. woke up like 50 million times....bleh....i know i know. i'm crazy. that movie just made me feel...really weird! it actually SCARED me. movies NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER scare me!!!!! but this one did....rawr. um. k i'll shut up now! thank you for explaining that entry to me. it confused cat to. haha! :) ♥ you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
if i have to go to church one more time, i'll be forced to blow my brains out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P um....hm. i would've replied last night, but i was at cat's...um...i must tell you, i got confused by that entry that you did last night, then deleted. btw, why DID you delete it??? hmmmmmm? :) i'm nosy, i know! ;) are are you today? yes, i was ok yesterday. and today i'm wonderful! i hope you're doing....splendid!!!! :P I ♥ YOU!!!!!!!!
from idontpretend :
Omg, you're not stupid! I've talked to you, you seem pretty intelligent to me. :O
from xxplaydeadxx :
yeah i'm ok. i just can't think about it without crying. all those people that are so sad...i know. like just about a week before the first guy, ryan, killed himself, i was thinking "we're lucky that things like suicide and stuff don't happen around here." and it was two people that you'd least expect...happy, nice guys...just...gone. :'( i got mad on the bus ride home. i was looking at the sky like i usually do and started thinking about 'god'. thought 'if he's so wonderful, why the fuck does he let stuff like this happen?'...*sigh*...i can't help but be glad that it wasn't one of my friends...but...he was a friend of some of my friends...and for haley to cry like that...oh god...that just about killed me. now i know how she feels when I'M crying....which is quite often... :P ...today was probably the longest day of my life so far. god. it was horrible. :( well...i'll shut up now. i'm blabbing about this too much. *sigh* ♥ you.
from readthisline :
She does mean it. At the time at least. Afterwards it's as though it never happened. I don't care anymore.. you get to that point. Whatever happens next will happen, whether it be good or bad. That's really sweet of you, thank you. You seem wonderful yourself. I hope things are looking up for you xx
from readthisline :
So do I. When things get to monotomous i kind of tune out - not such a good thing. I'm sorry your mother said that to you. It's so sad. Mine has threatened to 'knife me,' she tells me I'm a fucking idiot all the time as well. That I'm useless and a stupid little bitch. Will the hurtful words ever stop?
from xxplaydeadxx :
i can't believe she said that to you!!!!!!! i want to bash her head in now. =/ i gotta go to bed before i get yelled at. good night. i love you!
from idontpretend :
Your mother SAID that to you? wtF?
from xxplaydeadxx :
ok. nevermind. i think i get it now. i was kinda...i dunno. spacing out i guess when i read it the first time. i understand now. :P i ♥ you. i hope your ok...you don't seem to ok right now. =( good night. *hugs* ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
:) 'tis ok! i'm........uh...........i dunno. weird right now. don't really know what kind of mood i'm in. today was good. except chemistry made me flip out. i stay so confused in there and in geometry. none of the stuff will just sink in. it sucks...eh...como eta usted? te quiero mucho!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) um. your entry. i'm confused. that's a shocker, right? :P i feel stupid. explain it POR FAVOR!!!! :) ♥ you bunches!!!
from readthisline :
Your diary is amazing yourself! Your entries, so visual and captivating. I can't seem to keep an audience captivated for longer than a paragraph, so I don't bother most of the time. Sometimes I'll try though, in the hope that I'll succeed. I'm always amazed when someone likes my writing enough to keep coming back. And that means a lot, so of course I wouldn't mind! Thank you for the sweet sweet note. It brightened up my day a lot. Love J
from xxplaydeadxx :
WHERE ARE YOU?????!!!?!!? YOU HAVEN'T UPDATED! NO ME GUSTA PARA NADA!!!!!!!! :) ♥ you!
from idontpretend :
*lost in thoughtful contemplation...*
from xxplaydeadxx :
i really loved that entry. :) ♥ good night!
from xxplaydeadxx :
:)
from xxplaydeadxx :
i feel that i MUST apologize for the stupidity of that note. :P ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
yes, good day, good day. :) i'm sorta glad she didn't try to make you eat again. sorta. only because it's better for you to eat on your own than having it crammed down your throat. =/ ...Jayna's bullshit is getting so old. i really wish she'd just get over it! your note made me smile so big my face hurt!!! :D i know. what anyone thinks doesn't matter. i don't care what she thinks. i just wish she'd shut up so we don't have to deal with it, ya know? yep, you know. :) how are you today? I ♥ YOU!!!! smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile! :D *hugs* *tickles* ahahahahahaaaa! :P i'm a bit hyper....lalalaa...i hope you had a good day. i hope you have a good day tomorrow. i hope everyday is good for you. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from idontpretend :
I feel yer pain. *pours out a fifth of vodka, watching it soak into the ground...*
from idontpretend :
omg, EAT something! :x
from xxplaydeadxx :
she FORCED you to eat?!?!!?...i'm kinda...happy she did though...i just don't want you to be hungry...or hurt...at all...IIII think you'd be a good psychologist too. he's right. you understand. maybe you should think about it...:) ok. i'll go for it! :D now...i must 'talk' to someone via my other diary. :P ♥ I LOVE YOU!!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
Somehow I managed to forget to ask you how YOU'RE day went! How are you? ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
I wanted to just not even try to have a good day. It felt like it was going to be sooo bad. But then I remembered "No. I told her I'd get up and force a good attitude." so I did. :) and it worked! Quite a few times I felt bad. Or felt nothing at all, but the DAY was good. And I got happier. =D so thank you!!!! I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad I found you too!!! You're amazing! I ♥ YOU!!!! =D...it's a great thing that I'm the only me...Sheesh. Can you imagine how the world would be if there were MORE OF ME?!?!?!?!?!!!?! It'd be absolute HELL!!! :P ♥♥♥
from cheekyash :
wow, you're quick! i only just wrote that entry. anyways, thank you sweetheart. oh, and one more thing; happy monday!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
:D yes, thank me, whore!!! :P kidding! i ♥ you!!!!!!!!!!!! shut up. you would so not ruin it. you'd just make it a million times BETTER!!!!! because you're awesome! amazing! wonderful! fantastic! (what else?...bunches of other gooood stuff) =) i must go now. my cousin wants to swipe the computer from me. >=P I ♥ YOU!!!!!!!! in case i don't get back on tongiht, GOOD NIGHT! SWEET DREAMS! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU!!! *hugs*
from xxplaydeadxx :
=P loser! i'm an AWESOME arguer! i should be a lawyer. ;) not really...alright. i'll get up in the morning with an 'today is going to be a good day. it will. because my angel said so. and she wants it to be good for me, so i'll MAKE it be good' and it just may work. :) i'm feeling a little better already. :D no, it totally came out right. i get what you meant. dontcha just loooove diaryland?! IIIII DO! 'cause if it wasn't for dland, i wouldn't have brand new wonderful friends, wouldn't have all these people that actually understand me. :) I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU!!!!!!! :)♥♥♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
i...don't know if i'm ok. i'm just kinda...here. =/ cutting didn't help, i think it really just made it worse. i need something, i just don't know WHAT.....maybe tommorow will be better. i doubt it though...thank you for being so nice. it helps. i want to argue with you though. but i won't. :) and i LOVE you too. *hugs back* ♥♥♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
i sorta told you already....like 215 or something. yes, i really actually am fat and would benifit in more than one way if i lost weight....so you probably think i'm disgusting...i'm like 5"7 or something...you weigh as much as my aunt. and you're the same height. that's kinda funny. :) she's tiny....*10 minutes later*........well, i just did a stupid stupid stupid thing......ok i believe that you won't lie to me. i'll put my trust in you. :) *sigh*....ow.owowowowow....my head...ow. :S ...it's good that you ranted to me. i'd much rather be the one that you ranted TO instead of AT. :) rant anytime you want. it's way better than just keeping it bottled up, right? riiiiight. :D ♥ loves yas bunchesss!!! :) ♥
from idontpretend :
Damn, what was that one about? You're a great writer. :D
from xxplaydeadxx :
you just wanna go to bed so you don't have to talk to me. *cries* haha, kidding!!! ;) um...with me, it's...i usually do it when i need to be comforted. i know it's always there. i can't ALWAYS have someone here with me, i can't always talk to someone when i need to. i definitely can't have a hug everytime i need one. so that makes me feel not so alone. it's there, and it won't leave me. i know it's not just the weight. i knew that before i said that stuff in the last note. i was afraid you'd get mad at me for saying that. and i know it's not that easy. i know. and it's even harder, probably, when you have all these people that care about you that know. they just don't get it. they want you to eat. they focus on it. they get upset when you slip. and you don't want to upset them. but you just CAN'T eat, or you just CAN'T keep it down....*sigh*....i looooooooove long notes! they're awesome. makes me really happy to see a long note from someone. because they're taking time out of their life to spend on ME. it makes me feel important. (yeah, i know. i'm a majorly retarded DORK) :P ....would you mind telling me how much you weigh? i'm just curious. it's not going to affect how i feel about you,k? so don't worry about that. but you don't have to tell me. you could easily LIE. ;) it won't hurt my feelings if you don't wanna tell me. i'll totally understand. ok, good night, my angel. i ♥ you.
from xxplaydeadxx :
well, tell 'him' 'he's' and 'arse hole'!!!!!!!! :) you're not stupid just because you dropped a plate. i dropped a glass just a couple weeks ago. that's CLUMSINESS, not STUPIDITY. k? k...so the eating thing. um...maybe you don't really NEED to lose weight. maybe you're just fine the way you are, even if YOU don't think so. so you are in the ednos thing. k. got it. i do the same thing buddy. even though people don't believe me. there really are times when i just eat and eat and eat. don't know why. and it made complete sense, what you said about the feelings. same thing here....dammit! how many times do i have to tell you?!?!?!!?!!? DON'T FUCKING APOLOGIZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
:) rants are ok. i like rants. :P i know she cares...no, none of your notes...she was just right beside me when i checked my notes. i was expecting one from cat telling me to get off the internet. :P but there was one from haley instead.......she doesn't usually pay any attention to my notes. 'cause i told her not to. and she's pretty good about respecting my privacy, which is awesome. :D god, for freaking ever, well before i started having the whacko eating habits, people have said that whole "i never see you eat. why don't you eat?" thing. it's so fucking stupid. maybe we're just not hungry. maybe we're just not into shoveling food into our mouths in front of a lot of people. maybe we DO have eating problems. what's it to ya?!?!???!!?!!?!!!! :P ...yeah, YOU said "not eating won't solve anything" and haley said "not eating won't fix anything." i screwed up the whole solve/fix thing. woopsie. but she saw haley's not yours. :P ....are you having a bad day because your friend only? or is there other stuff? wanna tell me? ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
no, no i don't (always know just what to say) and i'm sure you're not a burden to him. you're definitely not a burdern to ME. :)...you're right to let it bother you though. if it didn't bother you then you'd be saying you didn't care about him. you're showing your love for him by being upset by this. just keep telling him how much you love him. even if he doesn't act like it, it means the world to him and (even if he doesn't realize it) it's helping him. i'm SURE of that. :)....now....um. brittany saw the note haley left me. i think it said "not eating won't solve anything"...brittany asked me the other day if i've been eating. b/c her and our (other one) buddy megan said that i "look like i've lost weight"....i haven't though. really. and i've been eating!!!!! not even throwing up much. and i am sooo good at not getting caught when i go do that...*sigh* anyway. she just came in here a minute ago and asked me why haley said that. i was like "it's none of your business" but i didn't say it all bitchy. she goes "if you stop eating, yes it is" and i said "no. it'd be entirely MY business. none of ANYBODY else's." and she goes "but i'd still be worried." *sigh* damn...um. so yeah. i'm afraid she'll start paying really close attention now. maybe later i'll tell her that i was just doing my usual "i hate my body i'm so much bigger than everyone else i wish i was skinny and pretty" thing. and she'll do her usual "you're not FAT, you're just...big but you're really pretty" thing that annoys the fuck out of me. gaaaaaaahhh...crap. she's baaaack....in here....um. k. :) i ♥ you bunches!...did i REALLY help any? like, honestly...
from amazinfuckup :
-e-hug- <3
from xxplaydeadxx :
but.....you can't change someone. you can help them, or try to, but you can't change them. they have to just fight. tell him that. tell him that he helps you. does he? it's not his fault that you are the way you are. it's other peoples' faults. not HIS. beat that into his head....he probably just feels responsible for you because he cares about you. and he's afraid you'll go away like his sister did. and he'll feel like it's his fault like he did with his sister....if that even made any sense AT ALL. *sigh* ♥ you didn't contaminate him, dammit. *hugs*
from xxplaydeadxx :
oh hell....i read it. =( i almost cried myself. why do you think YOU made it WORSE?
from xxplaydeadxx :
=D thank you, i DID smile. and apparantly you know EXACTLY how i feel. that note...well it was right. 100% how i feel. :) *sigh* :) *hugs* i ♥ you!!!
from idontpretend :
Aw jebus, I hear ya sweety. I know exactly what you're feelin'. :(
from xxplaydeadxx :
*hugs back* thanks....but you LIE!!! i'm so not. ='( *sigh* and i know it won't solve anything....well. it will help and it won't at the same time. oh hell i think i'm not even making any sense. *another sigh* ♥ you bunches. thank you. ♥♥♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
yay. glad you feel better. :) i made twooooo layouts. and i'm proud. 'cause they're sexy. ;) haha. hummmm....i'm gonna take a shower now. like you NEEDED to know that. :P ♥ you bunches!
from barelyspoken :
sure you can read my diary! if i minded i would have it locked. and i'm glad you stumbled across me- i love making new friends. welcome. -lindsay
from xxplaydeadxx :
aaaaaaaw. ='( i hope you aren't getting sick. being sick sucks asssssssssssssssssssss. do you feel better today? i reeeally hope so...yeah. it'll get my mommy some major points with me if she gets it to where megan gets to stay. i might even give her that kiss on her cheek she's always wanted. ;) i ♥ you sooo much! i hope you feel better! *hugs* *hugs again* *hugs some more* * hugs even more!* :) ♥♥♥♥
from enurta :
thanks for the note. i know what you mean, but the truth is that I am too sick to take care of Eddie right now. I'm not strong enough. I know he's happy with me but I'm not happy with this situation <3
from xxplaydeadxx :
i ♥ you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) thank you, i'm proud of me too at the moment. :) and you don't have to have the 'perfect words' to say to me, k? you say wonderful things that help so much. :) there's nothing that's going to make the megan deal better. :( i hope something good happens and she gets to stay. i'll go crazy without her...ok i'm shuttin up b/c i'm getting all sad again. *sigh* how are you today??? hmmmm? i love you! *hugs*
from idontpretend :
:'(
from cheekyash :
you're welcome. have a wonderful day love
from xxplaydeadxx :
i haven't talked to you today. i'm sorry. I ♥ YOU! how are you? *sigh* time for sleepy now. ;) love ya bunches. good night!
from cheekyash :
thank you, that's a real compliment coming from you. i don't know, i haven't been with it, i'm floating around on abstract ideas. they're perfect in my head but i haven't got the resources and vocabulary to get it out. i love the new layout. and of course, what you wrote last.
from amazinfuckup :
Love love LOVE the new layout. And you. <3
from xxplaydeadxx :
i HAAAAAD to see what you put. :) dude. green eyes are prettiest. i love green eyes. i like the color of mine too. they're really dark brown. and i have straight teeth...um....yeah i liked other stuff before....i just don't think there's anything NOW that i like other than those things. ugh....i might get to put a pic of me on here this weekend. you'll all understand why i hate the way i look so much...i'm kind of afraid to. i don't want anyone else to know how ugly i am....sheesh. ok, i HAVE to go to bed. i'm getting super paranoid. :P good night, for real this time. ;) *hugs* ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
:)....='( my knuckles are all red....*sigh* i feel stupid. you should just take it a little at a time too...really look at yourself. try to find something you like, even if it's just a color of skin, eyes, hair. something. and that's just physically. physical doesn't REALLY matter, if you really think about it...and think about how much of an amazing person you are. :) i ♥ you too!!! and i must go to bed now, b/c my uncle is in the living room and i'll be murdered. :P good night. ♥♥♥
from lust- :
Everything you write is completely breathtaking. You're amazing. ♥
from idontpretend :
Thank you! I'm older now. *sobs* Hehe. And I'm sure you look good without all the makeup...
from xxplaydeadxx :
so your friend has basically just had one of those lives that no one deserves to have right? =( poor guy....hey, you arse. you don't have to thank me AT ALL. you deserve a good friend. :) today...well, it was good....until the bus ride home. when i found out megan is leaving in about 1-2 months. ='( i don't want her to leave....*sigh* &heats; ya!
from cheekyash :
i know the feeling, i haven't written anything decent in months, if not longer. you seem to be doing well with writing though, keep it up. and i'll keep pretending i can :)
from starletblues :
hi, thanks for the note! i'm glad you found my diary; it's actually nice to have readers. i've read your's, too, and you have a very impeccable way of writing! i'll defintely be reading :]
from xxplaydeadxx :
i've had those too. i'm sorry. ='( oh man. he's only fifteen? aaaaaw. and he's sister's dead? was she his big or little sister? sorry, i'm asking questions that really are none of my business....those dreams....the people are wrong. you're none of those things. you're everything and so much more than i put in the last note. i love you!!!! :) i have to go now. i want to lie down and...think, i guess. try to figure some stuff out, maybe. *sigh* i'm so tired. i hope you have good dreams tonight. or none at all, either way. and i hope you realize how wonderful you are. :) i love you. good night, my love. *hugs and kisses on cheek* ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
oh, poor guy. ='( just keep trying to get him to see the truth. it's all you can do. i'm sure you're helping him. at least a little. if you weren't he wouldn't be here...um. i don't know what to say to make you feel better. don't hate yourself, you're....outstanding! :) i love you to pieces, and i'm SO HAPPY that i have you for a friend. i love you so much, and that really does not happen easily! you write beautifully, you're there for people when they need you, even though you really don't HAVE to be, you're funny and wonderful, amazing, sweet, kind, caring, beautiful, fan-freaking-tastic! and you really deserve so much more than you have. you deserve to be happy all the time. i wish i could take your nightmares away...what are they about? if you don't mind me asking...i'd love to be able to tell you what to do to feel better, but i fucking suck at dealing with things...if you can ever think of something i can do to help you, please tell me. i'll fight like hell to be able to do it. i love you. *hugs really tight for five minutes* :) ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
i've already told you rambling is GOOD, dammit!!! :P aaaw. i'm so sorry about your friend. you did NOT fail him. he's still alive, isn't he? he wouldn't be if it wasn't for you....dude. i fucking LOOOOVE those songs! i've listened to my december on repeat so many nights when i've been upset. :) oh dude. i loved your little rant about the whole religion thing!!! it was great! i feel the same way that you do. if they're real, they don't care at all. so fuck them. someone's here. i'm gonna pretend like i'm asleep so i don't get in trouble for being up. oh crap....ok nevermind. it's clear. ;)...i'd love to be able to take everyone's pain away. even if i had to give it all to myself. as long as everyone else is happy....*sigh*....is there anything you want to talk about? are you...upset right now? you seem like it. smile, I LOVE YOU! :) ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
yop, it's like an hour and a half past my bedtime...sssshh! ;) my uncle is in his room. i hope he's asleep. i'm so tired, but i think i'll just stay up a bit later...i'll just lie down and stare at the black....listen to music. i hope my head stops hurting soon. i took an ibuprophen. they usually help. your note made bunches of sense. :) thanks, i feel kinda better from it. i just can't help but feel like...like i'm doing something good for myself when i throw up, and i don't deserve that. but i also feel the same way when i STOP. it confuses me soooo bad. i don't know which is the right thing to do. *sigh*....um. k i don't know why i'm telling you this, but today before third period, this random hick was in haley's way and he starts acting (well, he wasn't ACTING) like an idiot and says "sorry bout that sorry bout that" and then said the same thing to me and goes "you wanna go to church?" ahahahahahahaaaaa!!! yop, i sooooo wanna go to church. learn about jueesus! =P that was the funniest thing. i'm trying to convince my buddy jacob to start a diaryland, but he won't do it b/c he knows that upsets me. he looooooves to pick on me. i'm his best friend though. he's such an arse hole. :P i think megan is gonna start one the next time she comes over. i'll have to show her how to do it though. it's sad how challenged she is with computers. funny though. :) ok, i'm rambling about a lot of pointless shit and i don't know why. so i'll just STOP. ♥♥♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
i....don't know. i'm just mad at myself for all the shit i put people through. i shouldn't do it. i know that. but i continue to do it anyway....*sigh* i love you too. *hugs* :) i'm ok though... maybe i just need to sleep. probably. i think my head is gonna explode in a minute. haha. I ♥ YOU!!! good night.
from idontpretend :
That's another sad one...
from xxplaydeadxx :
but you like ALWAYS make me feel good!!! :D ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
=D thank you!!! you just made me go from feeling really bad, like down here *puts hand on floor* to like up here *jumps up with arms raised smiling* :) aaaw. i love you!!! *hugs really tight*
from xxplaydeadxx :
i hope it's just temporary...i really doubt it though. and it'll all just be so much harder without megan. i don't want to lose her. and she doesn't need to lose us. going to school and being around people that make her feel better is all she has... ='( sheeeesh. um. :) i'm glad i have you too. you're wonderful to me, ya know? i don't think i did anything to deserve it, but i appreciate it. so thank you. i can't tell you that enough!!! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
gina is brittany's "sister". uncle jim raised her...sorry, i guess i thought that i had already told you about her. *hits head* i listen to music too. :) usually stuff like something corporate or something pretty...mellow. sometimes just anything i like. him a lot. BILLY IDOL JUST CAME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry, i just really freaking LOOOOOOVE billy idol. rebel yell. this song kicks such ass! :) *dances*...so yeah. yes, you do have problems. but so does everyone else. ;) i ♥ you and all your problems though! YOU wouldn't be YOU without the problems, right?...*sigh*...i need to do an entry now...♥
from cheekyash :
i used to think about not swallowing my food too, but i live for the sensation of food sneaking down my neck, honestly. i have no control at all. i'm okay i guess, life is at a standstill and i'm the only thing that moves, just barely. everything is the same and everything has changed. but as always, this could be much worse. your last entry was my favourite thing you ever wrote. the night sky gets me. i'd die happy if it was the last thing i ever saw. you okay? ♥
from cat-45 :
ha ha. I don't think I've ever had a bedtime. I just go to bed when they start yelling... LIke a few minutes ago... Sounds like a great day! lol. Mine sucked. Tried to dread my hair.. It looked cool, but my grandma freaked out and made me wash it out. Well, I gotta go before they start yelling again. I'll talk to ya later!! ♥♥♥♥♥ Cat
from cat-45 :
Wow, you write fiction?? Awesome! I wish I could write. Yeah, I hate Dnaielle's bed time. I got in trouble a few times for calling after 8. Her uncle told me I had better not ever do that again... How was your day?
from cat-45 :
wow. You really know how to write. You should be a novelist or something.... You're not stupid. You rock. I ♥ you more than danielle! ha ha. ♥ Cat
from xxplaydeadxx :
i meant to put 8:00...8:30-9:00 is like the latest we can stay up. it's 8:06 right now. i really don't get why we have to be in bed so early. it's not like i sleep much anyway. that's just giving me longer to lie in bed letting a million thoughts overwhelm me. =/ gina does that all the damn time. like we'd (me and britt) go to her house and she'd fix lots of food, make us eat bunches of it, and she would too, then she'd go throw it up. sometimes she'd get lots of sweets and cram it down, make us too, then throw up. i guess i kinda learned it from her. i mean, i knew about it way before i figured out it's what she does, but...you get it, i'm sure. then after she's done her thing, she makes us keep eating. and watches. and it pisses us off. she told britt before that she can make herself throw up if she needs to. duh. i kinda already figured THAT one out...eating in front of people is like the worst torture. i hate it so much. and when people focus on your eating habits like that. i don't get it. why make people uncomfortable like that? it's really rude. mean. grrrrr. idiots. i'm...i don't know how i am tonight. i'm not mad at myself for throwing up. i think that's a BAD thing though. at least when i'm mad for doing it, i can try to not do it again. if i'm fine with doing it, i'll just continue it...yes! gina just left! *does jolly little dance* ^_^ heehee. I ♥ YOU!!! :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
my layouts aren't THAT great. thank you though. :) rawr, i'm angry. the pw for cat's diary isn't working. it's getting on my nerves...stupid gina is trying to force me to eat. isn't gonna happen. give up!!! i hate her...so much. =/ my light blew earlier. it's really dark in here. why am i telling you a bunch of random crap? i's don'ts knows....i have this little paper cut thingo on my fingertip. ='( it hurstseses.....i need to clean my room. ok this is such a pointless note! haha. i think i gotta go to bed in like ten minutes. we seriously have to go to bed at like 8:30. isn't that GAY?!?!?! yes, tis...so...yeah. i'll end the idiocy now. ;) i hope you sleep good tonight! sweet dreams, lovey! *hugs* ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
=D yay. i'm glad we could make you smile. :) yeah i had 35 from just not checking for a few hours. hahahaa. aw. so you had to go to work all sleepy? sorrrry. =( so how did work go? did you get to crack any whips? hahahahahaaa. yeah, i know. that was stupid. :p ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
i hope you enjoyed talking to me and cat last night. :) ♥
from amazinfuckup :
Yeah, I'm alright, just shaken up. I hope things get better for you too. <3
from idontpretend :
How is it cheating if you don't eat enough to begin with? :P
from cheekyash :
i don't so much think it's cheating. somebody could binge up to twelve thousand calories in one sitting, and with vomiting it all back up, keep twenty five percent of that. that's three thousand calories. that's how it doesn't work. it hurts. it rules you. it breaks you. it changes you. it's not cheating. if anything, it's the 'shortcut' that ends up being the long way around.
from cat-45 :
oh cool. I thought you were younger than 20! Work here would mean a fast food restaurant. I couldn't take that. I would end up getting sick and puking. IDK why, but I can't be in a room with lots of people cooking stuff. Its weird, I know. ha ha. Dnaielle confuses me sometimes! They're called maids you loser! lol.
from xxplaydeadxx :
ooookkk. i love you! good night! sweet dreams, my angel!
from xxplaydeadxx :
is it a BAD thing that you've gotten to laugh?! fine then. we'll just stop being retardedly funny...
from cat-45 :
ha ha. Danielle is a jealous hippie! But I still love her. And I'm just kidding! Please don't pinch me again, Danielle! I'm pretty good. Kinda cold... Where do you work? I don't have a job yet. I'm still and immature unorganized lazy anarchist wanna be. ha ha.
from xxplaydeadxx :
my mommy used to work at a hotel. one of the cleaning lady things. (why did i put things at the end of that...) i wouldn't laugh at you! >=D *cough* i mean.. =) *innocent smile* *cough*...yes, get stoned is mine and cat's song. because like everytime we're on the phone or talkin on here, or with each other, that damn song comes on! and audioslave. every.single.time. haha. it's funny. and yes! i'm soooooooooooooo jealous! but i'll survive. *sigh* heehee. we've got this weird little three way conversation thingo goin on. aren't we awesome?!?! =D
from xxplaydeadxx :
i don't care how damn cool she is, you're MY angel and i refuse to share. :D heehee.
from xxplaydeadxx :
i see that there's a new friendship in the making huh? ;)
from cat-45 :
Ha ha. Sometimes I just use my name so people don't get confused. It does add flavor to your writing! So how are you doing today?
from cat-45 :
ha ha. I've been referring ot myself in 3rd person WAY too much here lately... I'm glad I'm not the only one who does it. lol. Danielle didn't pressure me! I was gonna write you sometime soon, she just reminded me. I have a bad memory... lol. I really like your diary. You seem like an awesome cool person!
from cat-45 :
hi! I'm Cat. Danielle's friend! Its perfectly all right if you read my diary! I started reading yours last night, and I must say, you have quite a way with words! Its almost like reading poetry! Well, don't be a stranger!!!
from xxplaydeadxx :
sssssssssssssssssshhhhhh! i'm not cool! but you are!!!!! :D i love that song! i haven't heard it in a while though. duh! we have awesome awesome awesome taste! haha. :D and yes, it's ok with cat. she's on right now and i'm talkin to her too. she's fine with it! so shush it up!!! :D maybe she'll listen to me. i told her to leave you a note. she said don't be afraid of her. ;) haha. ok, i don't feel bad. i knew you were just kidding. but after i left that note i thought 'dammit! that was stupid!'...haha. so who's your favorite band? that's like my favorite question to ask people. i guess 'cause i'm like obsessed with music. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
i guess that was sorta...stupid to just say it like that. i'm sorry! =S nope, you didn't bore me! me and cat read it last night and she looks at me and said "oh no! was she raped?!" i was checkin my buddy list and she clicked on your name and goes "that's your angel!" ahahaha. k i'll tell her you said thanks. :) her username is catherine and the pw is 203625 it think...she won't mind for me givin it to ya. yay! i DO feel cared about! *does happy litle dance* heehee. ok...so. that...thing. yeah, it probably won't stay away from your thoughts but maybe it won't be so bad now...?... i don't know. but you're not the only one that knows. so..idk really exactly what i'm trying to say. =/ i know, for me, things feel a little better when i stop keeping them just to myself. sometimes it's just barely better, but still. it's not AS BAD as it used to be. ya know?....do you like three days grace? that's not just some random thing that popped into my head. their new song pain is playing right now...i really like it. another cd to add to the ever growing list of wanted ones. haha. :) ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
oh yeah...that entry before the last one....were you....raped? =S
from xxplaydeadxx :
p.s.~> call me when you're sober is on. :)
from xxplaydeadxx :
the little dickhead just told this chick that's friends with some of my friends. i've never really talked to her, i don't think. she doesn't seem too bad, but still. that's not the point. she could tell people. like brittany. she didn't even know that one of the girls gadge was talking about is brittany's COUSIN and she told her... so she could tell others. *sigh* he looked like he was gonna cry! i didn't say anything about that to cat or haley because i thought i was just imagining it because it's what i WANTED to see...but cat brought it up. ok, we went to his house yesterday b/c he had cat's scarf. and i just was like 'fine, but i'm not gettin out. and if he comes to the car, i'll punch him in his damn face.' cat told me last night that he was really worried about me being so angry at him. and that he looked like he was going to cry when i was yelling at him. i was like 'oh fucking well! he shouldn't have said anything! he had better be happy that i didn't say more! that was me being nice. calm, collected. i could've said SO MUCH MORE!' and she said 'yeah, i know.' she told me that he was about to come up to the car and apologize, but she stopped him. i would've punched him. then i would've gotten out and kicked him in the balls. i'm serious. that's cold, but i'd have done it...he keeps saying he didn't say anything. but i KNOW he did!!!!!!! urrrrrr. leslie wrote me this dumbass note. apologizing. i wrote one back saying that it really pissed me off that she did this. which i had already told her...gah. it's not even so much that i'd have to leave if they found out. 'cause i'd still be going to this school. it's that aunt kim....she's already told me that i had better never NEVER EVER be with a girl. she'd beat the hell out of me and be mad. she'd be disappointed....and i know she'd not love me as much. i know it. and i couldn't take that. not yet. it'll hurt when she finds out, but right now, with me having no one in the family to lean on, i'd die. because she's really the only one i can count on. my mom just is NOT reliable...god this is a long and retarded note! sorry! =S um...yeah. i've done that whole spitting the food out thing. i don't know...that felt better than not eating, and better than having to throw up...it's weird. =/ you're not a failure though!!! you're wonderful. you're amazing. talented as hell! cat said you write really good btw. she likes your stuff a lot. :) see there?!!?! one thing at least to like...you deserve to be able to eat and be happy. not have to worry about stuff. =( i love you. a lot! and i wish i could take your problems away. ='( um...k i'll end the torture now. ♥
from idontpretend :
Sigh, why don't you want to eat?
from xxplaydeadxx :
if i'm not a failure, then YOU're not a failure.
from xxplaydeadxx :
haha. i am at catherine's house. didn't get a chance to update or reply to notes or anything yesterday. i will laaaaaaaaaaaaaer though!!! ♥
from lust- :
Thank you. Time makes it fine. I hope you're doing alright. ♥
from idontpretend :
What the fuck happened? :(
from cheekyash :
i don't know what's much wrong with me, i've never been diagnosed professionally, just self diagnosis due to strong symptoms. what i'm afraid of is going to the doctor's and just not being able to tell them what's wrong with me. because even my friends that know, i still try to convince them that i'm okay even when all they want to do is help me, simply because they love me. i can't hide too much longer though. i've been trying to be so brave, to sit my mother down and tell her. but we've never spoken much, she hasn't seen me cry in years. when you want to hide something badly enough, you do. and i can't get a job yet, i actually physically can't do it. dilemma. i'll have to make a move on life before nothing takes a move on me. i loved that last post of yours. the lack of detail, it actually felt like swimming in drunkenness. hope all is okay though darlin, take care ♥
from cheekyash :
i used the internet to find out the answer. i was going to figure it out myself, but decided it would take too long and i'd be sure to get it wrong. so i googled for a years to days converter :) wow, twenty huh? you're ancient. well, not really. i just remember as a kid thinking that sixteen was so old, and now i'm passed that and feel as though i never grew at all. i'll remember your birthday, promise. it's odd that people on here always seem to have the same birthdays as my best friends. i'm a leo too, i just barely out on cancer. you don't ever have to drive, you don't need to. it might be handy, but you don't have to. i don't drive. i can't have a job. i can't do normal grown up person things. panic attacks galore. funny thing is that my parents don't know, so i'm having problems getting around it all with lame excuses. they just think i'm lazy now, or weird. and i get countless lectures because of it. i'm over it though. you shouldn't worry either.
from tofalldivine :
I could totally relate to that. My parents put me in driving lessons even with my mixed feelings and I feel like I can't breathe even thinking about it. I panic over everything. It's nice to know I'm not the only one in some weird, sick way.
from idontpretend :
Reality Check made me sad. :( Julia was alot the same way, wanting to live in this bubble, because she has such a hard time dealing with the unpleasant things that life hands us. :( I always felt bad, because I didn't know how to help her face the sad things. :( I wish I knew what to say to you. I know life can be sad and unpleasant, but it's OK, because that's all a part of life. :( It's not the end of the world, it's nothing you can't handle. :( I'm not trying to sound like an ass. Just tryin' to be a friend. :/
from xxplaydeadxx :
i'd shoot myself if you got killed because of me. probably if you died for any reason. ='(
from xxplaydeadxx :
i can't drive either. haha! i've driven a few times. when i was like 13. not since then. i just have no desire to. ok, my buddy cat can drive! we'll come get you!!! :) yaaay. it's 10:30...i gotta get up at like 5:30...i'm so tired. i should go to bed. but i don't think i'm gonna. i haven't even done my damn homework. =/ no point in even attempting it though. i'll just get frustrated like i did yesterday. becasue i don't know how to do any of the stuff. school can be so damn gay. oh, we got report cards today. i think my uncle's gonna bitch because i got a c. he expects all a's and maybe MAYBE some b's...it's the only thing he likes about me....
from xxplaydeadxx :
if he gets me in trouble, i'm beating the hell out of him AND leslie. and whoever tells on my to my uncle. wanna help? >=) heehee. again, thank you. i can't thank you enough. :) ♥ you so much!
from xxplaydeadxx :
thanks. i'm scared. i don't want people knowing. there are people that go to our school in brittany's family. we have a tiny school, so everyone knows everything. and one of britt's cousins has already told their uncle that me and haley "mess around" a lot and just all kinds of shit. britt lied and said it's not true. he never told uncle jim though, because he's awesome. i'm just so scared. i fucking told him yesterday to not say ANYTHING to ANYONE. and he promised. i asked leslie what in the hell she was thinking telling him that. she said he wouldn't say anything. thought it wouldn't matter. i said 'well, you were wrong! he's already been saying stuff and he just found out last night!' and then today he told chick that stuff. fuck. i'm fucked. the end. thanks for putting up with my whineyness. i appreciate it so much. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
thank you. :) yeah i know. only 16, so what's the big deal? i don't blame you though...to talk about something else, that really has absolutely nothing to do with you, this dude gadge at school is telling people about me and haley. i'm about to fucking cry because there's already enough damn drama with that right now. sorry, i'll leave you alone with it. i'm just freaking out...don't know what to do. leslie told gadge without making sure it was ok with us. fuck...it's gonna get to my aunt and uncle...and i'm gone. shit, i said i'd stop and just kept going. i'm really sorry. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
i constantly get hassled to get my license. i don't wanna though. driving is scary for me. =S i got told the same thing just a few days ago. about not wanting to be reliant on other people...it pisses me off. *sigh* memememe. stupid.......*another sigh* sorry...love ya bunches...
from cheekyash :
thank you sweetheart. i am six thousand two hundred and seventy six days old. or seventeen years, two months and five days. i was born on july 24th of 1989. you?
from xxplaydeadxx :
*puts finger to lips* ssssshhhh!!! your writing is always beautiful. it's not stupid. i love it. i mean, it hurts to know you've had so much bad in your life, but it's wonderful writing. i never get bored with your diary. so shut your face or i'll have to kick it! ;) i'm trying to make you smile a little, if ya couldn't tell...that's kinda weird, huh? threatening you to get you to smile...?...mmmhmmm. :P heehee. no, you weren't rambling. and rambling is good anyway, except when i do it. :P so either way, it's OKY DOKY! :D i ♥ you!!!
from idontpretend :
Sorry for all the notes, heh, but Cruel Illusions really hit home for me, especially the part where your lips fit perfectly, like jigsaw pieces, soft and familiar, meant for each other..... It really hit home. It tore my heart open once again. Not in a bad way. Sometimes we have to reopen old wounds, in order for them to finally heal. But that entry cut to the quick in my heart and soul.
from idontpretend :
Your writing is not stupid or miniscule. Expressing yourself is never a bad thing. And writing in your journal is a good way of getting things out, that are hiding inside your heart and soul, that noone can see...my journal has done wonders for me....even when I reread my entries, knowing there are times when I sound like a raving lunatic. :(
from idontpretend :
Aw shit....
from xxplaydeadxx :
oh my fucking god. that was so terrible. what made that person want to do that to you?! gah..i love you!
from idontpretend :
Sigh. Who is he? Someone you were with long ago? It's so hard, when you fall for someone, and they're no longer in your life, especially when they don't deserve your love. :(
from cheekyash :
i did drench her. it was nothing, but it was just enough to make me feel that little bit better. no it's not so bad, i laugh when i think about it too. i never really stood up for myself like i should have
from lust- :
I used to hate when people compared me to my sister. It made me dislike her even more. I hope you had a good day. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
*sighs* thank you. ♥
from cheekyash :
it wouldn't matter if you'd had a camera. nothing can capture a moment like that. it's the experience more than the physical beauty. something like fireworks, you can photo them, and they'll look alright, but it's nothing like being there and feeling the burst of gunpowder through the ground. blah. i don't even know what i'm saying. just hope you're well.
from imanobody00 :
Thank you for the note. I'm sorry for your pain and all that you have been through. ~Take care of yourself hon.
from lust- :
Thanks for the note. Alcohol doesn't fix things or make you feel any better but I hope you find something that makes you feel a whole lot better soon. Take care. ♥
from idontpretend :
Sounds like my life....
from xxplaydeadxx :
yeeeeah, you have a point there...so i'm an idiot. =P haha. don't say you're disgusting. i bet you're physically beautiful, just like you're a wonderful person. ♥ ya bunches!
from xxplaydeadxx :
yeah, but most girls that are anorexic/bulimic are actually skinny too, where as i'm like...200 lbs...='( seriously...why did i tell you that?! gah....sorry. um. but ok, you can judge for yourself. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
;) i really am ugly though...you'd love me anyway though, right? i hope so. um...whoa. that entry. damn. that would suck ass. :S i'm sorry. uhmmmmm....i's gotsa headache. :'( i gotta go. britt wants to call dude. ♥
from imatwin :
I know that. Just sometimes the memories overwelem me, and my brain gets to thinking. Thanks for the note! ~Alex <3
from cheekyash :
you're more comfortable at night too? i suspected somehow. most people i like tend to be, oddly enough. it's prettier, less honest in the conventional way, but more honest in a different way. or maybe i just love stars. that same predictable pattern every night. as a kid i thought different candles were lit every night and i loved that idea. but as i grew, i learned the truth. but i thought it just as magical anyway. hope you're feeling okay right now, and still will be in another few hours
from xxplaydeadxx :
no way! don't apologize! i loooooove notes! they make me feel...special. haha. =P yes! he was a prick! like, these little 7-8 year olds were saying "tony, turn around! please!" and he wouldn't do it. grrrr. um. i love saters! always had this weird fascination with them. no! don't give up on that! pick it back up, dammit! come on, do it! do it do it do it! =P um...yeah. my dad pisses me off. i don't understand why he has to do this to me....oh well. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
oh HELL NO!!! i was just curious. seriously, i think i'm the only person that hadn't tried it. i just got really curious. i didn't really like it. it tastes terrible. and...i don't know. it smells SO BAD! my uncle smokes A LOT so we always smell like it. our school books and stuff do too. =/ so no, i'm not gonna take it up. just an...experiment. i definitely don't need anything else that i do that's bad for me. ;)...oh man. in june, the journey's backyard bbq came to nashville, and we got to go, and bam was supposed to be there. but he didn't show. because that damn jackass movie was being filmed. and tony hawk was an asshole. =/ but at least we saw falling for yesterday. so it was ok. =D i was so upset when they told us bam wasn't gonna be there. i was really looking forward to seeing him. ='( oh well. get over it, loser!!! haha. (i was talking to myself) k, buh bye! ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
oh. =(...i thought about you last night when we watched viva la bam. =P i hope you feel better soon. wish there was something for me to do to make it all ok...i'm ok. at the moment. got a break. smoked my first cigarrette. haha. somewhat disappointed in myself. worried, sorta. not sure what about though. felt nervous all day. i'm confused. i've felt so sad lately. like, randomly. happy, then BOOM! incredibly sad. =( don't get it. ok, rambling must end.....NOW! ♥ you!
from xxplaydeadxx :
i constantly wonder about that. (what it'd feel like to eat without...freaking out.) *sigh* how are you? ♥
from cheekyash :
i'll sit just next to her, only as a tousled disarray of greasy hair, wrinkled pyjamas and running mascara. breakfast anyone? i'm assuming you like brand new. so you have good taste in music. it's nothing like them. but right now i'm listening to 'kathleen' by josh ritter and it makes me need to fall in love. i'm okay right now. are you?
from idontpretend :
That's a sad entry. :(
from idontpretend :
Sigh, yeah, I guess. But I think the anger is pretty much passing. I was angry, because she completely turned her back on what we had. She tried to lie to me, again. But I always know when she's lying. She's never been able to lie to me. And that's what really pissed me off, is the fact that even now, she is still lying to me. But it's done. It's over. There is nothing. So it's time for me to move on. So why am I still in love with her? Sigh. Oh well...
from cheekyash :
i find it funny now that my parents scream 'hermit' sometimes as they pass my bedroom door. i think they're trying a new tactic of insulting me to get me to leave. i really don't care. life was no easier when i used to go out and get wasted every other night. and i love your name. i read a book once called 'guitar highway rose'. there was a family in it; leo, star and angel. i swore one day that if i ever had a little girl i'd call her angel. not angela, not angelica. but angel. my name is aisling. pronounced as ashling. it's irish for dream. i hope you're okay x
from idontpretend :
I know what you're saying. I just found out, tonight, that everything about her, about our relationship, was a complete and total lie. I'm devistated. How can people do that? How can they live with themselves? How can they sleep at night? i don't understand. I wish I could. Because maybe then I'd be able to put myself back together. *cries*
from sorrowshadow :
Eating without restriction? It's fun, and it feels free. Except that sometimes, shame and guilt will pay you a visit and reminds you of how fat you've gotten since their last visit. I have the opposite of your problem; I eat more than I should. And each time, after eating, I feel really bad, but I cant stop myself... I hope you get better :)
from cheekyash :
no matter what, it's always the endings that make it so difficult. and the middles. it's because beginnings fall short of what they're supposed to be. it's not raining today for the first day in six days and i wonder what your name is...?
from tofalldivine :
Thank you for adding me. I really appreciate it and I hope you don't mind if I stick around and read yours as well. With only two entries I'm captivated. Amazing.
from chasngghosts :
haha! just kidding, i just checked my buddy list.
from chasngghosts :
thanks for the add. ♥
from idontpretend :
Aw geeez, that entry makes my heartbreak. I've been there. I've felt that kind of pain and heartbreak. I've cried those tears. It's nice to know there are still people out there that aren't afraid to feel anything, even if it is hurt and sadness. But it sucks that people like that, seem to be the only ones capable of feeling ANYTHING sometimes. :(
from xxplaydeadxx :
I...um...don't know what to say. Thank you. I tell myself that every damn time though. I remind myself of the bad feelings. But it just doesn't work. I keep doing this. Over and over. I may as well just give up...Ok, ignore me. I'm just in a shitty mood. I'll come to my senses soon and realize, like you said, that this isn't the end of the world...I hope. *sigh* I need to sleep. Gah...Thanks again. ♥
from cheekyash :
i understand, i sometimes wish i could just begin a new diary again, but i just can't. i hate my username, it's lame. i hate what i've written, it's pointless, all the same. but i somehow keep it going five hundred entries plus after i began two years ago. and yes, i decided i wanted to start writing a book and the words on my profile page are what happened. i was sobbing and my fingers were moving, that's as far as i got. i gave up yet again. but it's okay, i'll get back up and try again. i hope you're alright sweetness. i ♥ your latest post. ♥aisling♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
beautiful...i think i'll cry now... ♥
from cheekyash :
not updating wxdaisy anymore?
from xxplaydeadxx :
i think that's a good idea...first step is admitting you have a problem. now you can go on to get the help you need. =P haha. ♥
from xxplaydeadxx :
you just can't make up your mind, can you? =P thank you. a real hug would be wonderful, but i can settle for that. :) i know! viva la bam is like the ultimate pick-me-up. every time something happens (which as you can tell, is quite often) that upsets me, cat says "that's it. i'm kidnapping you and we're gonna have a viva la bam marathon!" and it always makes me happy. =) i'm really bored. and tired. whine whine whine. i gotta work on stopping that, huh? weeeellll...i ♥ you!

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