messages to turnaround4u:
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from carallyne :
Hey Michelle, just wanted to let you know that I finally wb to your questions (on my DL).
from carallyne :
That was a sweet and thoughtful email that your dad wrote you. I especially like the last line!
from carallyne :
That would piss me off too! I would probably contact someone about it, and see if your salary can be adjusted. All they can say is no, which would be frustrating, but like you said, you have the option to look for another job. Although I know you love it there! Are you still going to go for your boss's position, now that he's leaving? As for who sets the salary... I am not sure. I think different agencies work differently. Sometimes HR seems to set it, and sometimes management seems to have some flexibility. So I don't know who you should contact in this case. I just know if I were in your shoes I would reach out to someone about it, because it's not fair. Unfortunately that's sometimes the case when it comes to salary though :/
from blogblah :
It's a mother's plight. We don't get nearly as many breaks as the dad does and we won't enjoy them as much when we do. It's just the way things are, as far as I've seen with all the females in my life. As far as sleep schedule, ummm... well... it depends on the kid. Like I said, my kids slept with me (Kale still does for half the night but it doesn't bother any of us so it's fine for now) and that helped them to sleep a lot easier. But as far as a routine. I started around 3 or 4 months getting them into a sleep schedule. I had to make Bailey's but Kale just kind of fell into it. They would wake up around 6 or 7 and then they'd get a nap around 2 hours after that. So usually they went down around 9 or 9:30. Sometimes Kale would be tired before that and nap at 8:30. They slept about an hour during that nap. Then we'd play, eat, and back down for nap at 12:30. That nap would last about 2-3 hours. Then up, eat, play, and until they were 6 to 8 months old, they would sleep again in the late afternoon. Maybe around 4:30 to 5 and only for about half an hour. Then I would have their night time routine. Dinner at 6, bath (not every night), nurse again right before bed, prayers, etc and then bed at 7:30. Most things i've read say just establish a routine so the baby knows it's time to start winding down. I never really did that but it sounds like a good plan, lol. Good luck, Michelle!
from blogblah :
I really relate to what you said about bonding. Not sure I ever voiced it until Bailey was much older so I didn't write about it probably because I felt so guilty. When Heather came in and saw Bailey for the first time she asked me how it was different, if I felt like an intense and insane love for her. At that point, Bailey was about a day old, and I hadn't even held her yet. She was rushed to the NICU and I didn't even see her until she was 6 hours old and held her after she was about 24 hours old. I did not bond with her in those first hours and I truly believe that had an intense affect on me. I couldn't nurse her (yet) and they were giving her bottles and pacis, which was totally against everything I had wished and she wasn't in my room bc she was being monitored in the NICU. It wasn't how it was supposed to be and I did not bond wit her. So for those first few days (weeks?) I loved her very much, but I felt the same as you, I had a lot of guilt for not feeling overhwelmingly different. Happily, as the weeks went on, I can report that I was able to feel more and more bonded to her every day and obviously I'm head over heels about her now. So try not to be too concerned about it because it will happen and you will mellow out. Oh and just my two cents, take it for what it's worth, I co-slept with both of mine because that was the easiest way to get sleep. You do what you have to do. There are safe ways to do it. Dr Sears has a lot of info on cosleeping if you google it and people have been doing it for thousands of years safely. Just saying :) You're doing a great job, I'm sure, and will continue to question your ability bc that's the nature of a mom, but just rest assured that even when you screw up, it's not the end of the world and that little girl is going to love you more than you've ever imagined possible.
from carallyne :
Do you or Patrick have an impression of what sex you think it is, or have no idea?
from blogblah :
I didn't bleed with any of mine but Heather has bled with both of hers so far and it has been the same, bright red. Some people just bleed randomly and it doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong. I know that's easy for me to say since I never had to deal with it but it's true. Heather freaked out a lot with Pilot when she would bleed but the dr said something about her cervix being so short that it's easier for her to bleed, i think? The most important thing to know (and this is the hardest thing too) is that no matter what you do or think you're doing to protect the baby, that baby is already in God's hands. He's protecting it and hold it just as it needs to be held. So try not to stress! And yeah, it always took a while for my widwives (as military, you only see a Dr if you're high risk so I only ever saw midwives) to find the heart beat because the baby can just be positioned funny. It's hard to wait to hear it but I always breathed a sigh of relief once I heard it. Try to enjoy this!!
from stardrips :
i think you should tell!
from stardrips :
happy birthday! :D
from carallyne :
That's a really pretty name! I want a girl first too. But don't worry I won't steal that name. Especially not before you use it!
from stardrips :
where are you guys going on your honeymoon??? :)
from blogblah :
thanks for the encouragement! i'm so proud of him too and it really seems to have made a difference in him. And yes, I'm so excited that heather is having a girl this time! We'll be able to trade stuff so I hardly need any boy things and she won't need many girl things either. Very exciting! Glad things are going well with Patrick too! I think waiting a couple/few years to have kids is good idea just to enjoy each other as a married couple before you enter that totally new territory together. But I understand the worry about fertility too. We waited 5 years and I'm so glad that we did bc we got to enjoy each other (mostly, lol) before moving into that new dynamic that is potentially very stressful. But everyone is different!
from stardrips :
i like ur newest dl <3
from blogblah :
ahhhh! the mother in law and money. mike and i had this same problem with his mom at the beginning of our dating. i could have written exactly what you just wrote. his mom took out 2 or 3 credit cards in his name while he was at basic training and never paid them. credit was ruined and he didn't pay it all off until his first "deployment" for the year he spent in michigan. unfortunately, you don't have a leg to stand on with is mother. if he won't take a stand, you can't either. of course this is just my opinion. but it isn't your place to take the "hard stand" or give her a warning. it's good that he's said no to paying her bills. honestly, after mike tried to help her and she treated him like crap, he was over it. at the time he still had a little brother there that his mom was supporting and he didn't want to have him go without so she was able to hold that over his head. but once she screwed him enough, and i made it clear to HIM that this wasn't to happen once we were married, it never did again. so the hard stand you need to take is with Patrick. let him know that this isn't acceptable once you all are married (although everyone knows it isn't acceptable now, poor guy) and that in your opinion, something has to change if it happens again. good luck! it can turn out ok!
from carallyne :
So much for not liking surprises- that was like ur entire birthday!!! :)
from carallyne :
why are you against taking M? thought i'd try asking again :)
from carallyne :
what is the reason u r against taking m
from carallyne :
I think (for what it's worth) that you made a good decision. I know exactly how it feels to have a job offer that is the "next step" in a career in mental health, and on paper looks wonderful, and is more money, but not as much as you're looking for, and it's a good schedule (m-f) but a lot of work, which can make you stay late... but there are no other offers at the time, and you don't know when the next one will come. I took the job, not because I wanted it, and not because I needed it, but because I felt like it was something I "should" do to further myself in my career. And I have learned, after 9 months of hell, 3 of which were spent on disability, to FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION WHEN IT COMES TO JOBS (and I guess everything else). So I think you made a good decision! :)
from stardrips :
yeh, like i said, no pressure! i hope you guys can come but no worries if you can't :)
from sheaabijah :
good job, michelle! i think you're doing the right thing. i know how hard it is to detach yourself though...it'll take time. give yourself grace and time and let it hurt when it hurts. and PS i heard that song today "hungry" and it was a spiritual moment for me - must be the song of the day!
from carallyne :
not sure what you mean when you say it was a test and i was set up? I definitely agree it goes back to the question of whether we are being honest with ourselves... It's so hard to face the truth and have to say goodbye to something that often times feels sooo nice.
from carallyne :
As Lawrence always tells me... The best gift you can give yourself is to be honest with yourself. I never put too much credence into that idea, it just seemed like a cliche. But over time, I have realized just how much we lie to ourselves, and just how right he is.
from carallyne :
as for volunteering holding babies.. i never knew about it until my mom did it either. but apparently it's pretty common for hospitals to use volunteers to hold babies so maybe check out some local hospitals if you're interested.
from carallyne :
no idea that what was going on with L and I? not sure what you are referring to.
from carallyne :
...to tell people what you DO, and don't do...
from carallyne :
Do you discuss your treatment modality as part of the initial informed-consent process? You may already do this, but I think it's helpful to tell people what you, and don't do, so they have an idea what to expect in the beginning. Some people prefer a more direct style, and other people prefer a more passive style, and then there's everything in between. I always feel like it's easier to get that stuff out of the way in the beginning, so you don't get too far into it and realize you don't like the style/approach... Granted that happens anyway, but I think the more that is said upfront about what to expect, the less chance there will be later on of feeling like your expectations are not being met, if that makes sense. But that's also tough, because a lot of people, particularly people who have never been in therapy before, don't really know what to expect, or what style they want, or they think they know what they want, but don't know what might actually benefit them the most. Definitely not a cut and dry thing! This is neither here nor there, but I will say I have seen many counselors/social workers/psychologists in my time, and Dr. E-S was my favorite, and what I loved was that she definitely had a psychodynamic approach, but she also helped me to apply c-b techniques when it called for it (i.e. with my skin picking), so I could discuss and analyze a lot of my past & current experiences/relationships/traumas, but also got some practical ideas for how to alleviate my maladaptive behavior. But I assume, based on her credentials and age, that she had a lot of experience, and u know counselors tend to have more feelings of inadequacies when they start out. I know you didn't just start, and you have your LPC now, but you know what I mean, it is still very early in your career as opposed to where you will be, or how you will feel ten or twenty years from now. You'll get better, and you'll have more confidence in what you do, regardless, I think, of how other people respond to it. Do you discuss any of this in therapy, or in supervision, to deal with the countertransference issues?
from carallyne :
yes i did it 3 times.. 5 minutes on monday, 6 minutes on tuesday, and 6 minutes on thursday. i will go again this weekend. it is nice.. i do the stand up one so it's not really relaxing but i like doing it. if it weren't so bad for your skin i would do it regularly, but def not going to do that
from carallyne :
did u change ur password again? it wont let me in
from carallyne :
o man! i would have told u if i knew u didnt know. the buddy list is the only way i ever see if people updated.
from stardrips :
i'm so glad you did it, michelle. i think you did the right thing. i really do...
from sheaabijah :
I've finally caught up on DL! And I want to encourage you to trust your instincts, definately. I think you're doing the right thing. Hard but right.
from stardrips :
just do it, michelle! a letter is safer b/c you've been shown "no" won't be taken as an answer...so you're using this as a boundary. :)
from carallyne :
oh i didn't even notice either, it's no prob., i'm sure i do the same! :)
from carallyne :
I don't understand the question
from blogblah :
for me, I definitely had butterflies. And since our relationship is always full of hellos and goodbyes, the butterflies have never fully gone away. I still get excited to go home and know that he's there (when he is here, lol) even when we've only been apart for 12 hours. On the other hand, there has to be something besides the butterflies too. Because there aren't ALWAYS there. And just because they're real for me, doesn't mean they'll be real for you. Also, I think if you would let your guard down and stop over-thinking everything, maybe just maybe you'd have some butterflies. But that's just my little opinion =) I hope you have so much fun in Italy!
from sheaabijah :
what do you mean when you say conversations based on content over process? what does that mean exactly? examples? :-)
from carallyne :
her issue with your boundaries is kind of funny to me... i dont have the best boundaries so i'm probably not the best person to say, but i don't see the problem. If it gets to the point where it's bothering you, like not having enough boundaries with P for instance, i could see the problem... but as far as your mom and brother coming over to see the cat while you are at work... if you don't mind,.. who cares? Sorry that's my little soapbox. Cant wait to meet you and P together!
from stardrips :
just take your time with patrick, dont feel like you should rush...waiting is good, rushing could be dangerous
from sheaabijah :
i feel for you michelle. i know you want so badly to be able to help fix your family...i can relate . i think you need to give yourself permission to take a step back from them at times though, and set more boundaries with them, so you can get your own head together. it's not giving up on them, it's just realizing that healing takes time and starts with you. "you cannot shine your light on others when you yourself are dim." love you!
from sheaabijah :
lol that you called P "asberger-y" hahaha...i think that about people all the time, in fact i always think my mom's whole side of the family is asbergery! (spelling? idk). i'll try to update again soon...it's hard with no access at my night job cuz that's where i have the time...maybe i can keep emailing updates to you? if that feels like i'm asking a lot of you no prob. tho :)
from sheaabijah :
OMG michelle! i am so excited that you are moving out! omg...seriously...you are going to feel *such relief.* so excited! (ps i hate the name nolan, no offense to them! lol)
from stardrips :
i have a friend who just named her baby boy nolan also...weird :)
from carallyne :
could she actually be so naive not to know you shouldn't do that? or u think she was just playing dumb? if she offered to tell him herself that's your best bet so you don't have to get in the middle of it. unless you just want to let it go at this point.
from stardrips :
aww, michelle :( the wedding thing was back when we thought we'd get married really quick, etc. but don't worry, we're probably going to have a wedding where we invite everyone and i definitely want you and laura and steph there :) as far as getting together, maybe this fall? august doesn't work for me :(
from carallyne :
i am sorry you are going through a hard time but it's only going to make you stronger and better once you get through it. thank you for the open and honest entry.
from stardrips :
weren't you taking speed or something like that? i was glad for you that you were...i wish i could take it to be more motivated in life but i dont think i could with my stomach issues. didn't you say you stopped taking everything? i don't think that's a good idea...
from stardrips :
yeh, i met mark on eharmony. i liked it :) what's an internet wedding?
from carallyne :
i believe there is truth to astrology. like sabrina said, not with the daily forecasts but with the characteristics of each sign. i am a CLASSIC cancerian. but i feel pretty strongly that astrology is against God's will. sooo i believe there is truth to it but i think it's a tool of the devil to keep us from the sovereignty of God. i do look it sometimes, but try to avoid it. (i could be completely wrong, but those are my views.)
from sheaabijah :
and i have tended to find astrology somewhat accurate, at least in the breakdown of personality traits of the types, not so much the daily forecasts. but i think the bible does have strong words against it so i'm conflicted.
from sheaabijah :
i'm a taurus... what's that say about me and you as friends? lol. have you heard of enneagrams, mich? i've been reading some stuff about them lately and they seem VERY ACCURATE also. it's a personality thing where you can be a 1-9, and it's like a cross b/t a personality/psychological thing AND a spiritual type sort of like an astrology thing...it's fascinating. i read some of a book in borders one day...apparently it's an age old thing. they even had an adult learners class i almost took on it at the art college here in portland. i think me and you are 2s! and probably all the rest of our friends too since we're all similar MB types.
from blogblah :
i think getting opinions is good but i have to respectfully disagree with cindy. well, partly. maybe you are making it a bigger deal with certain people and pushing them away, that part could be true. but the part about not bringing faith up for a month, i dunno about that. seems to me that if you wait a month and then realize that the man is not a christian, then you've wasted your time. you are looking for a husband, right? not a casual dating relationship and you should not settle for a man that isn't a christian. maybe it doens't need to be a time where you say "ok, we're going to have the faith talk tonight" but it should be something that comes up in normal conversations. just maybe not something so intense. this is just my opinion, sorry if it comes off strongly but i feel like it's such an important part of your life (as well it should be!) that you should not wait to fall in love with a man and then find out he isn't a christian. God wants a Godly man for you and he has one.
from sheaabijah :
i totally understand how you feel about the family situation holding you back and keeping you from digging deeper into your own healing and potential...i really do...i could cry for you because i know how you feel. but claim the hope that is SO YOURS, michelle! :) you are *so strong* and you have so much going for you...you're so ambitious and full of dreams, i know you can rise above this. it might take time to disentangle yourself fully from the things that are toxic in your life, but it will happen. you can do it. be encouraged! (i tell myself this same speech often, lol).
from stardrips :
michelle! tell me what happened!!!!!!!!!!!
from sheaabijah :
quick comment: i think it's so much HARDER for guy's to talk about themselves than it is for girls, plus they have less insight into their own emotions than women, and that's why they end up talking a lot about situations and people and stuff we might get bored by or feel is superficial. i don't think they r trying to be superficial when they do it though.
from stardrips :
wow, michelle! he does sound like he had 50 energy drinks...give him time, get to know him....you won't get the full picture of who someone is right away and he won't get the full picture of you right away. it'll all come. have fun :) there's no rush :)
from sheaabijah :
OMG! that is like the exact thing every girl wants - a guy who they always secretly liked to tell them that they always secretly liked them too! OMG how exciting! and he's a christian and nice etc.! oh michelle this is so cool!!!
from stardrips :
YEA! MICHELLE! that's SO COOL and exciting! HOW DID YOU RESPOND!!?!?!??!?!!!??!?! :D
from carallyne :
he def sounds interested, maybe just said it in an indirect funny way bc afraid of rejection
from carallyne :
you'll be home soon! do you think you picked just the right length of a trip bc you're ready to go home at this point? or do you think you are ready to go home, because you anticipate it being right around the corner? maybe both. keep us updated about uknowwho.
from carallyne :
you should walk around everywhere talking in a fake english accent and people will probably be so confused that they'll leave you alone!
from carallyne :
doctor was just correcting myself. i wanted to call him dr. sees insted of rev sees because that's how he signs his emails. that's all.
from carallyne :
doctor was just correcting myself. i wanted to call him dr. sees insted of rev sees because that's how he signs his emails. that's all.
from carallyne :
doctor
from carallyne :
did you write back to rev sees yet to tell him ur not going?
from carallyne :
i'm not mad michelle. Happy Birtday!!!!! How was it?
from carallyne :
then don't go michelle. if the real reason you wanted to go was raymond, and that is going to set you back...and if the reason you are thinking of going now is just because you are worried about disappointing me, then please save your money and save your time. seriously. if you are already praying and getting one answer, i don't know that praying more is going to change the answer. of course, i'm not trying to deter you from praying about it if you want. just saying, you don't have to try praying yourself into something that already doesn't feel right. sure i will be disappointed. but josh is right that you need to please God more than you need to please man. and i will understand, trust me. i have always wanted someone close to me to experience my jamaican children. and i will always want someone i know to experience that with me. but i believe it will happen sooner of later. and if it's not you, and if it's not this year i will understand.
from stardrips :
i slept thru all of valentine's day b/c i was sick. yeh.
from stardrips :
yes, trust god, michelle, but also don't throw out common sense...be careful about possible rape! :) everything sounds so cool. i'd love to go zip lining or see baby tigers! :D
from carallyne :
no... just not dead.
from purplecelie :
Hey Michelle! So glad to hear from you! I would pay you anything to pick up a baby wrap for me. Seriously, I will pay you back if you got me one. :) Brian even mentioned the other day that I need to get learnin' on how to do that. Hope you are enjoying yourself!
from carallyne :
ahh for somebody who hates bodily fluids you sound like you're doing well with the hand licking and lack of hygeine. i hope you haven't had to poop in the nighttime.
from blogblah :
Yeah, I agree about spreading them out. Just forgot to mention it. I would be interested in seeing the rates of autism there in Africa too. I definitely think vaccines have a place, they just need to be safer. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your roommate. Hopefully you'll be much happier in a new room. Good luck on your first day of placement! I'm so excited and happy for you!
from stardrips :
wow! i'm so proud of you, michelle! what an amazing thing this is! it'll be hard, no doubt, but afterwards i think you'll love all of what you went thru :)
from carallyne :
DON'T POOP AT NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! i have never heard of such a crazy thing. when nature calls, it calls. what does she expect you to do? lay awake in bed squeezing your buttocks together?!
from stardrips :
godspeed, michelle! definitely keep us updated as much as you can! love you!
from stardrips :
haha, michelle, no he didn't propose to me on facebook but i wondered if people would think that. i had just found out he got layed off like he wanted to be bc he hated his job and would get severance pay :) now he can focus on looking for a job in maine and move up here :D
from sheaabijah :
i'm sure she wasn't trying to say you're not good at counseling, just saying it could be an emotionally difficult career for you (which is think counseling and social work and all those kinds of fields are anyway, to anyone who works in them). you are good, and i'm sure she's not questioning that! and even if she is, you know better, based on your own self-knowledge AND that of everyone else professionally involved in your life. don't fret.
from sheaabijah :
i love your newest entry! i want to reflect on my last few years like that too...i'm in NY right now and babysitting my 5 nieces and nephew so i can't, but remind me if i forget to do it like next week!!
from carallyne :
the one about the cycles?
from carallyne :
hey ... weird i remind you guys of a psychiatrist. that is NOT what i ever want to be. english... maybe. i love to learn about grammar and i love teaching english as a second language, and teacing adults how to read that never learned. so it's just a thought. but i can't stand learning about literature and all that stuff so i'd have to make sure it was the RIGHT degree.
from sheaabijah :
there's some new country song right now where she says "i should have held on to my pride - i should have never let you lie." and i feel like that with both of these situations too... i told D from the very beginning, and you probably told J, that my biggest fear was letting him in to my heart and then him abandoning me later on, down the road. and he swore he never would...and he did. he lied. i told him this summer that i feel like he's broken every promise he ever made me. he got teary and said he was sorry, but has he made any effort to be in my life since then? no. it really is the worst feeling in the world. to have all your worst fears come true. i told him from the beginning that i didn't want to be just a part of his life for right now while he needed me, and then later on when he felt stronger, he would outgrow me and push me away. and that's exactly what he did. i don't think he knew he was lying though, and i did, so really, it's my own fault for not trusting my intuition. michelle...i want us both to JUST SAY NO to men from now on until one HUNTS US DOWN and we know it MEANS something to them! hahaha at all my comments to you today...can you tell your story is hitting a nerve with me?
from sheaabijah :
your heart needs so much TLC right now...i just want you to snuggle up in a sweatshirt and drink a mug of hot cocoa and have girlfriend talk with someone...i wish i lived closer i would come over. :( .... but take it easy, and be patient with yourself...it takes a long time to feel ok, and at first feeling ok only comes in little spurts of time...and then it hurts to even feel ok (or feel anything) without them around to care. i truly think what you're feeling is the hardest thing the heart can go through...although, knock on wood, maybe losing someone you love to death is worse...but aside from that, breaking up (with friends or lovers or people in between) is bloody and excruciating.
from sheaabijah :
oh michelle, i'm so sorry :(. i totally understand...i could cry for you, honestly...i've been there. yeah whatever, i'm still there, lol...last night when it started snowing for the first time here in Maine i wanted to call D and scream "i hate you! i hate you for buying me these kickass windshield wipers last year, and being the person who helped me dig out my car and shovel my steps even though you weren't even allowed to come in, and for being with me every single snowday...i fucking hate you for taking all that back!" how can they take it back? how does it not mean anything? i don't (and neither do you) live my life like things don't mean anything...EVERYTHING MEANS SOMETHING. i'm not going to love anyone ever again unless i'm sure it means something, to both of us. i'm done. p.s....i love the song "rehab" by rhianna right now...
from sheaabijah :
wow, that's some profound stuff. i'm proud of you for really thinking about this stuff - soooo many people don't have the courage to look deep into themselves like you do...so many people just ignore and numb their pain. love you michelle.
from sheaabijah :
i just want to tell you that i can so relate to every single thing you ever say about J and your relationship with him...i understand so much... it's so hard. and also i understand the withdrawal feelings of not having someone to tell your stupid little shit to like you said...that might be one of the hardest parts about "breaking up" with someone - losing those little intimate, life-sharing parts of your relationship. ..... i told rachael last night that i feel like you and me should form a support group for "women who love too much" (and the wrong people) kind of thing, but then i said "but that could go horribly wrong, and we might end up just making each other feel better about making mistakes all the time...justifying it, etc." LOL... who knows...
from blogblah :
Yeah I saw it too. It was so painful, I agree. I just wanted to comment on the one part about you not being able to talk to Josh about things because he knows more than you. This is exactly what our sermon was on last week. The preacher said if you are weak in one area, go to someone to isn't weak and who has probably learned the hard way and ask them for help. He said you have to put away your shame for not knowing and your pride because those things will stand in your way. I just thought that was interesting how exactly what you said correlated so well with last week's sermon that I had to share.
from carallyne :
yes.. i saw the movie in the theater. seems like a lot of what you wrote about in your entry was about shame, but i think shame is a tool of the devil to bring us down. there are definitely themes of shame, sadness, persecution throughout the movie, but i think the ultimate themes are love and victory. not knowing bible stories does not make you any worse of a Christian. i think one of our biggest challenges is to strive for more knowledge/a closer relationship to God, but without getting down on ourselves when we don't measure up. once you ask for forgiveness, it is given to you and then your energy should be focused on the victory, not the shame. i'm not trying to talk at you or anything, bc goodness gracious i'm FAR from a good Christian role model, and i feel a lot of shame about that too, so i can relate to a lot of this. just some thoughts i have about it. love you girl. i'll give you a call back later today.
from sheaabijah :
oh michelle...i can totally relate...when i lived with my parents after college (and my whole life, lol) i pretty much wanted to kill myself. toxic environments like what you're describing are like, life-force-draining. and i know you have a huge inner conflict because you want to save and fix eveyone, but maybe you'd be better able to help them if you were more removed for it and able to get into a more positive mind-frame yourself first, ya know? like that famous quote "you cannot shine your light on others when you yourself are dim."
from stardrips :
whatever hassle it would be to change organizations would be nothing compared to your family needing to hire a private detective or something to go and find you in god-knows-where africa...michelle, you are an optimistic person, but you need to be more careful here
from stardrips :
michelle, listen to the warnings about this place in africa. this is not something to just hope for the best about. you have to make sure and know. i don't want to hear of you gone missing on the news. seriously. don't go or pick a more expensive one! :)
from sheaabijah :
yeah, i'm worried about that...it's almost like it becomes a challenge and they try even harder/get even more excited. sigh. boys. how do we make them understand?
from sheaabijah :
oh good, i'm so glad you're feeling better!!! hopefully no MRSA then! that disease scares me man...that and mono.
from sheaabijah :
i TOTALLY AGREE about being annoyed with parents who spoil their kids and then expect school/therapists to fix all teh damage they've caused and continue to reinforce. i feel that way every single frickin' day of my life.
from sheaabijah :
does the doctor think it could be MRSA? that is scary! definately take time off it you need to! did you have strep throat too, is that why you think it might be a complication from that? :(
from sheaabijah :
i just told rachael she should post our handbooks, so maybe she will! she has custody and i forgot what we wrote already too! LOL. and, was it me who said the quote of -"I was so angry and bitter at so many people for such dumb reasons" ? can't remember if we had a convo about that or if you're referring to something else?
from sheaabijah :
awww, i wonder if you got sickness from me!!?? i hope not! i'm feeling better now though...hope you will soon, too!
from stardrips :
dare?
from stardrips :
aww, thanks for the comments :)
from sheaabijah :
i'm sure he will accept you but he only logs on like once every three months, lol, so it could be awhile...
from stardrips :
i don't know what site i went on...i think i just googled "free online myers briggs" or something like that :)
from blogblah :
i don't know of any websites specifically. maybe google "moms of multiples" and see what that brings you. my quads mom is a part of that group, maybe it could give you some contact info to people in your area?
from sheaabijah :
hmmm...well, i don't know how many inches b/c part of me likes the long right now, but part of me wants to do that dramatic girl change of "you know what, you broke my heart, i'm getting a haircut!!!!" haha. but at least 2 - i haven't even had a trim since valentines' day! :-0
from sheaabijah :
hi! i just tried to leave you a comment on myspace but i'm at work with a slow connection and your page wouldn't load up. but it was gonna say: "hi! are you excited about our trip?!!!"
from carallyne :
congrats on the news! did you get the purple ones you were looking at at target?
from sheaabijah :
yeah, but i wish i had the self-discipline to, when i'm in that kind of mood, get up and do stuff that i know will make me feel better BEFORE i'm forced to b/c of work or an obligation, instead of lying in bed wallowing...and yeah, i loved that part of juno too ~ such a good movie! that would be a fun movie to watch when we're having our girlfriend weekend! :-)
from stardrips :
thanks, it's not that brave..it's mostly still anonymous for now :)
from stardrips :
i'm sure you know all about PCOS, but i have this booklet on little classes being offered at a college nearby, and one of them is called, "PCOS: What Next?" the description says, "many woman with PCOS face several health issues including infrequent or no periods, excess hair growth, difficulty losing weight, and infertility." so, i thought of you when i saw that. are you on medicine for it? would medicine help you lose weight? or just make it so this wouldn't be against you when you're trying to lose weight? i just think you might have it harder than some people and i dont want you to be down on yourself for that since it's not your fault. just my thoughts. love.
from sheaabijah :
this is a comment from a past entry but i agree with laura that i feel like you are totally a person who always makes it a point to ask how i'm doing etc. and be reciprocal in conversations. totally. and i notice things like that when people aren't. and you are. she's on crack.
from blogblah :
I just want you to know that yes, some marriages are happy. You know i've been through some rough spots with mike but i can honestly say that after 4 years of marriage we are happier than we've ever been. granted, that's not a long time but it's not exactly a short time either. lots of couples are divorced by their fourth year. i noticed you really focus on the talking and how married people don't talk. that's true. sometimes we don't have anything to say to each other because there's only so many things you can talk to a person about before you know everything about them. sure, i learn new things about mike sometimes but mostly i know about him already. so sometimes we'll be at dinner and not even talking, just sitting there. and it's kinda weird cause it's like "isn't there anything for us to talk about?" but sometimes there just isn't. but even if we're not talking, there's usually no one else i would rather be with than right where i am, with him, just sitting and being with him. it's a comfort to have him there and to know that if i do need to talk to him, he's there and i can. i hope that makes sense and gives you a little hope. married people can be happy, it's not all doom and gloom. i'm excited to see you this week! but try not to focus on my married life too much since we're kinda snotty to each other especailly because i'm hormonal right now, lol.
from blogblah :
nah, there's nothing i need or want except for this sickness to be gone, can you do that?! haha. hopefully it won't be too bad when you guys are here. congrats on wearing tank tops, how did it feel? i know what you mean about making yourself sick so you dont want to eat junk again, i used to do that too. you know the strange thing is i always thought when i get pregnant i will eat whatever i want but now that i'm pregnant, it feels like a weight is lifted from my shoulders with food. it doesn't consume me anymore like it used to because it's not tempting because i CAN eat whatever. does that make sense? i hope it can stay that way but i'm sure it won't.
from carallyne :
that's funny that she would say that cuz i know at least in our relationship you ALWAYS ask about me like you make a point to do it. and sometimes we even stumble over each other asking how the other person is. weird.
from stardrips :
i had also heard a teaching on worry at IHOP. it's cool that we both heard one. you reinforced it for me :) god must want us to know it!
from sheaabijah :
i'm sorry he was like that :-(. also, LOL at your aunt's offer...and your response to yourself "old, cigarette, cat clothes" hahaha...like your styles would be anyhow similar with 30 years age difference! what are people thinking? i've actually read to never do what she did either - offer people your old clothes after you've lost weight- cuz it just seems condescending.
from sheaabijah :
oh, and i wanted to tell you...i picked up this book in borders the other day called "women who love too much" and i had to almost immediately put it down b/c it was too painful, lol! i think me and you are women who love too much...someday i'll read it, or maybe you can since you love to read self-help books, and let me know what the key points are.
from sheaabijah :
here's what confuses me further tho...maybe it's true that being too strong and independent intimidates them and doesn't let them see your vulnerability in such a way that inspires them to want to step up in strength and protective niceness, BUT, once i started really showing dave a lot of my vulnerability, THAT'S what freaked him out. he liked me better strong and un-needy for him. sigh. it's probably just all about the men we pick (and their underlying character that they have before we try to fix and save them), where they are in life, and what they want from us at the root of it. the men who start out not really ready or looking to love us probably never will, no matter how much we wish it and try to change ourselves to make it happen.
from sheaabijah :
no, thank you so much for all that feedback! i'm going to read your comment a bunch more times to really soak it in.
from stardrips :
yep, i cut all my hair off! it's at my shoulders now :)
from carallyne :
i think a lot of the convo made sense. and i think it's fine to help build up a guy's self esteem some (if he deserves it), but not all guys are going to feel intimidated by strong, independent women. if a guy has insecurities about being a guy, those insecurities were already there to begin with. you might be able to bring certain qualities out in people, but you don't make them magically apppear where they weren't there before. so maybe you need someone with enough confidence that he can handle being with you. i HATE to mention the bachelorette because i think tv is SO FAR from reality and who knows, those guys might be clingy in real life. but not necessarily. not all guys will respond to a strong, independent woman like that. so before you try changing anything about yourself(!) i would look for someone who appreciates your independent qualities w/o feeling diminished, and w/o getting clingy. there's nothing wrong with the way you are! you just need someone who can appreciate it!
from blogblah :
yeah he had services while i was gone. heather worked with him in my place and yes, shawna the mom is the other therapist. it's a really tough thing for her and she's learning but it's hard because she didn't have much training. it's tough but friday it was much better and hopefully shawna will hire heather instead of this other girl.
from sheaabijah :
ok, i would go back and edit that comment if i could, bc reading it back it does not sound like how i meant it! sorry! :-(
from sheaabijah :
haha, no no no, don't let that be your goal! lol. even though that guy was "bold" in a random stranger way, i feel like the guys you encounter are bold in a deeper way, b/c they are willing to hook up so quickly with so little emotional knowledge of who they're with!
from sheaabijah :
haha guage is a guy who works at starbucks who has his ears guaged and whom rachael thinks is cute...i think his real name is...nope can't remember...we just refer to him as guage. :)
from sheaabijah :
i so understand being on the one hand ok that it ended well, but on the other hand being dissapointed that he didn't fight harder for it...dissapointed taht it didn't mean more to him...i like a john mayer lyric where he says "i know it was me who called it over, but i still wish you had fought me til your dying day...don't let me get away." i also totally understand the feeling of bitterness when a man wants and needs you to "walk him through" his life like that...i felt like i was constantly doing that for dave and after a while he just expected it and was mad if i DIDN'T, but secretly i felt like you just said, like, hello, no one does this for me!
from sheaabijah :
oh and i remember one of londy's best quotes from my undergrad counseling class was : "you can't rush people to their potential." it sounds like jenny needs that stitched on a pillow and put in her office!!!!
from sheaabijah :
wow! i'm glad you're gonna find a new person too, b/c everytime you journal about what your sessions are like with her, it sounds like she is just not meeting your needs and never has been, so yay for moving on! i sooooooooo want to begin counseling, but i can't afford it...do you think i could find grad students who do it for cheaper? i should look into that. good luck finding someone with a different approach! the way she was talking to you sounds to me almost like SHE was trying to parent you, which sounds unboundaried. :(
from sheaabijah :
yeah, thanks for understanding...wasn't trying to be hostile toward you at all, just frustrated in general at how complicated all the labeling crap is. it's good to know i'm not alone with complex relationships! :)
from sheaabijah :
i guess i could say "we were in a relationship." i get angry and bitter just defending this, lol...when i'm running your errands for you during the day and sitting in your lap in the evening and tucking you into bed at night, you were my BF!
from sheaabijah :
no, no lip kissing, and we weren't "official" but it's just easier to say than to explain to people the complicated relationship we had. and even he said we were "dating without dating" and that we were "more than friends, less than lovers" so i don't even care if it's "lying" to say he was my bf or my ex...he was *my* boyfriend whether i was his girlfriend or not.
from sheaabijah :
i don't think she changed her PW? well, i feel guilty like i am playing a game though, b/c i'm only agreeing with him b/c i KNOW that if i play it right we'll eventually be back where we were, and he'll want more of me, and *I* want to be the one who gets to say no! that's so unkind and wrong, but he's made me feel so powerless and unwanted, and i want to be in the position of power this time. wow that's so wrong. to reel him in just so i can throw him back. and then again, samantha on sex and the city tried to do that once to get back at her ex, and it ended up not working b/c she ended up falling for him again. ahhhh! and yes, physical stuff just makes it harder...ick...and i never know when to trust! i watched the movie The Other Boleyn Girl last night (scarlett johansen and natalie portman) and it TRAUMATIZED me as far as watching women manipulate this man into loving them and then seeing them trust his love and then him betraying them when his emotions changed. AHHHH! wow i'm having a nervous breakdown in your comments section.
from sheaabijah :
thanks for saying i'm strong...i don't feel strong at all. i feel like i'm only as good as the last decision i made, and so every time i make a bad choice i feel like shit. plus i want to be able to make a freakin' statement about how i feel about dave, so that if and when he ever wants to get back together i can definitively say YES i'm willing to try and i want to, or NO you had your chance. the fact that in my own mind i don't know how i feel makes me CRAZY and makes me feel very weak.
from sheaabijah :
omg, don't you HATE the mind games??!! in your mind you guys DECIDED to be just friends, and now he's like "idk," keeping on stringing you along. dave did the same thing to me...in our last convo i spelled it out and put it on the line and said "DO YOU THINK YOU WILL EVER WANT TO BE WITH ME?" and he said "i still don't know...it's not yes or no." and i said, that's BS b/c i think you would know by now if it was a yes...and, i said, stop giving me false hope if you don't think it'll ever happen! and he STILL would not say it's a definate no. DON"T THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT DOES TO US????
from sheaabijah :
i understand. i wonder what a weight-loss counselor would be like...what their techniques would be? i'd be interested in going too...i still struggle...i went to NY this past weekend for a wedding and stayed with my parents, and the FIRST NIGHT i was in their house, they went to bed and i binge ate the way i used to when i lived there...it was like this cloud of hopelessness and depression came over me and eating was the way i always dealt with it...i felt like i had NO power. and even though overall i'm doing well, there are still days about once or twice a week where i feel that same inner out of control feeling and i eat more than i need to, and i really would love to address the inner stuff that that stems from....it's so hard :-(
from carallyne :
was the hint that we need to update more? i have to say i can't understand the weight issue BUT i can understand the humaness of it. we all have our own vices. for some it is eating compulsively, for me picking the shit out of my skin until i bleed every day...and innumerable other examples. different things on the surface, but the same in the fact that you KNOW it's wrong and we hate it about ourselves, and realize the only thing that the only real thing that stands in the way of victory is believing that we can do it and having will power, but it's how we have coped for practically our entire lives. so imagining life WITHOUT that coping method is more or less incomprehensible. possible of course, but incomprehensible. i'm stuck in the contemplation stage. i want to change but there is a VERY real part of me that things there is no way for me to ever stop for as long as i live, so why even try? and that's how part of your entry sounded.. like you felt defeated and wanted to give up. sorry i can't offer you any words of advice or anything.. and lol, i know you don't want WL advice. but you know what i mean. i am not sure how to be supportive. just know it's a very human thing that soooo many of us struggle with in one way shape or form. and i think the only ticket to freedom from compulsivity is believing in ourselves... now how do we get to that point? and more importantly, how do we sustain that belief long enough for it to make a difference?
from sheaabijah :
i think i just have an odd shaped butt and regular underwear ALWAYS moves around and gives me wedgies, so i started wearing thongs like 3 or 4 years ago b/c i figured, whatever, it ends up in there anyway might as well wedge it in to begin with! haha. but seriously i don't even feel it. i don't remember if i did when i first started wearing them. and i need my boobs to be supported at all times, i just hate "hanging free." :-P
from carallyne :
yea it does suck but i don't think the cop took his word over mine. he was nice and listened to both of our sides, and didn't give any indication that he believed one person more than another. we'll see what the police report says, but ultimately it is up to the insurance companies to decide and if i don't like the decision it will go into arbitration.
from sheaabijah :
goodbyes do suck, i understand. i'm like you so much in relationships, michelle! i totally relate to you. i used to have fights with dave and then come to all these great conclusions about respecting myself etc. while i was still mad, but then when i'd cool off i'd be back into denial about things...i think sometimes we have to cool off b4 making decisions, definately, but sometimes we need to trust the things that our heart and minds bring up in that heightened state of awareness...trust that we're getting angry over and over again about the same things because they ARE important. idk. let us know how it goes!
from sheaabijah :
i would have cried and hung up as soon as he said any of that, because you have NO NEED to hear his opinion on your body. don't invite him in to your most vulnerable insecurity so that he can trample on it! i haven't read laura's comment but i bet i will agree with it...oh michelle...what a nightmare :(...seriously, DON'T give him more chances, listen to your intuition and inner warnings...he is not worth it...don't fight for something that's not worth fighting for! and remember not to make him a priority in your life when he is only making you an option. i'm sure he's a good guy with a good heart, but he is not for you, and he's acting like a dick...you want to be with a man who is already at a place in life where he can act in love and kindness and open his heart to you.
from carallyne :
Michelle. Thank you for sharing this. I think God is screaming at you: STAY AWAY!!!!! You know my motto is all men are jerks until proven otherwise... and I hate to call him a "jerk" because name calling is foolish, but you understand my point. He sure is acting like one! Don't overlook things. Don't make excuses for him. Don't give him a break and keep trying to make things work in spite of yourself. You said when you LW you will want a Christian man. If that is what you want, don't settle now b/c you think you might not be pretty enough for your ideal man. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. God knows your beautiful. Your friends know you are beautiful. You deserve a man who knows how beautiful you are and isn't hung up on weight. You deserve a man who is a Christian BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT!! You deserve a man who doesn't look at P all the time BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT!! Don't ignore these things because I can pretty much promise you they will never go away. If you stay with him, all of these issues will continue and most likely (not to be pessemistic, but just realistic knowing how relationships work) will become worse over time. You don't want to live like this. And don't count on him changing. Fighting like this in the beginning is a tiny glimpse into the future. I know the counselor in you is always thinking about how to fix things, but some things aren't always worth fixing. Saying goodbye is heartbreaking every time, but if you do it now you will save yourself worse heartbreak in the future. Most of all though, Michelle, do NOT blame yourself for any of this. Don't tell yourself: if only I was thinner we would work out. Don't tell yourself if only I didn't make a big issue about this topic, or if only I didn't bring this up, etc. etc... things would work. Okay... so maybe they would. But you wouldn't be happy because you wouldn't be yourself, you would be conforming into some other person that is "perfect" for him. That's not your job, to conform to someone's needs. F that! You already are someone's "perfect" woman just the way you are, without having to compromise your core values. Be true to who you are and what you want. We love you!!!!
from sheaabijah :
love laura's comment...and i want to make like 3 of my own but i don't have time right now. but i do want to say that you *are* pretty ~ no doubt about it. i'm sorry he said that to you, although i'm glad he was sensitive enough to know that it was hurtful and to feel bad about it! love you michelle!
from carallyne :
You seemed to have grown a lot in the sense that you are being more realistic about things with Tom, and that you're thinking of YOUR OWN FEELINGS for once. I loved at the end how you said you have a say in things, whether you want to be with him or not, because it's SO true. It's not just up to him to be in control and take you or leave you. You too have a choice. It is very smart to be cautious and think about what YOU want.... He isn't a Christian at all? The "at all" part seems weird, because what does that mean? But... what exactly are his thoughts on God, Jesus, etc? I don't think I was annoyed with him at Steph's, but sometimes it might come across that way. Lawrence and I had a long talk about how I can appear judgmental sometimes, and I'm going to work on that. Just be careful- my advice always. Keep writing/sharing so he doesn't isolate you, and never be ashamed to tell your friends what is going on. Love ya babe.
from carallyne :
what is that site? ur date?
from sheaabijah :
that does sound exciting. if i want to take away two lessons from my recent heartbreak though, it's that in the beginning i would have paid for attention to these two warning signs 1) i was giving WAY more than i was getting and 2)don't ignore small character flaws. even if they seem minor and aren't deal breakers right away, file them away in your head and don't ignore them. they could be warnings. Love you! hope your date is fun! AND CONGRATULATIONS ON GRADUATING, Ms. Ambitious!!!!
from sheaabijah :
R is R from jamaica, b for baby, and, ahem, fts means fuck that shit. DELETE. haha.
from sheaabijah :
R and the b...you should sing him that jo jo song "too little too late." FTS...he had his chance!
from sheaabijah :
i can't believe you're pretty much done with grad school!!! GO YOU! :) i'm a little bit jealous.
from sheaabijah :
ewww. i hate when men are passive like that. but it's not like you want him to start calling you anyway (not really). but still.
from sheaabijah :
oh god...i can relate to your ambivalencea and conflicting feelings SO MUCH...i feel like i am the worst person to give you advice, b/c even though i agree with this statement by laura and this is my official opinion :"it's like you think by going there and doing nothing after that will prove that you are strong. but i think the stronger thing to do would be not go there at all", i also know that if i was you, and even if i believed that, i might still go. it's sooo hhhhard to not want things to end a different way, AND to resist that fleeting surprised wonderful feeling that you got and that then blossomed into hope when he agreed effortlessly to see you...i know how hard it is. so in my opinion, no, you shouldn't go b/c i think it'll open up temptation as well as just emotional quicksands, but i'll totally understand if you do. :(
from sheaabijah :
hey, don't make fun of the old ones! they r my favorite! ;) also, i will try to read your other entry and comment tonight while i'm at work...didn't have time today at my school job, but hopefully i will here tonight! if not, soon!
from sheaabijah :
yeah...i know, part of me feels like i was more protected against all this temptation to sin b4 when i was heavier...but i don't want artificial protection, either - i want to be able to stand and be strong...idk...yes, really i just love and miss D and i know i don't want to be with either of these two boys...
from sheaabijah :
good job finishing your paper! :)
from carallyne :
actually quadruple m's when you include the miss..........mmmm! graduation is so close!!!!
from carallyne :
oh man! that is one of the worst feelings to be sleepy and ready for bed and then have to write a paper! but you're almost done!!!! this will pass soon and before you know it you will be miss. Michelle Moyer, M.A...... mmm! triple m's. You're almost there!
from sheaabijah :
oh and yes! i do still have my eyebrow ring, only i had it switched 6 weeks later to a barbell not a ring..i still like it. it's the same as fergie's if you look up a pic of her online! :-)
from sheaabijah :
well, you are a few inches taller than me too (i'm 5'6.5"...how tall are you? i'm guessing at least 5'9" ?)...that weight was calculated based on height and a few other factors from a magazine thingy...i know, it seems really skinny even to me though, so who knows if it's really obtainable, but i'm getting a bit obsessed, so i'm gonna try! lol
from carallyne :
so wait i have a question. those schedules you gave and said it would only be for the next few months since you will be going away.. are you going to be done with those jobs 4ever and start somewhere new when you come back? if that's the case, my recommendation is to take the schedule with the sane hours, because it's just less $ for a few months and your health/well-being is more impt. than money anyway. i know it's hard b/c you like to push the limits to see how much you can do (me too!) but i can't help but think after graduation you should give yourself a break and do something a little easier in the months before you go away. especially if you are going to start at a new job when you go back anyway....? do ya know what i mean? i dunno.. just my thoughts.
from sheaabijah :
yeah letting go is a bitch, lol...and, on another note, i don't think you'll ever be a jerk, michelle...i think being nice/helpful/encouraging is so second-nature to you that even when you learn to put yourself and your own needs first, you will still be a giving and nuturint person - you'll just have better, more healthy boundaries from which you give...and you'll probably have MORE to give in a way, b/c they say "you cannot shine your light on others when you yourself are dim." Get yourself bright!
from carallyne :
hmmm?
from sheaabijah :
TBL made me cry too...i can totally relate to the numb feeling, and the hiding behind the weight that they were talking about........i'm so glad your counseling session helped you to see that you are free to explore and live your life ~ helped you to feel ok about doing what YOU want!
from sheaabijah :
i'm glad jim and nikki's wedding was so romantic and nice! awww, and i'm glad that dave isn't being weird ~ i don't think your email was something that should have freaked anyone out tho...that's a normal getting to know you question!
from sheaabijah :
love your last two entries! don't have time for a long note tho :-)
from sheaabijah :
love your last two entries! don't have time for a long note tho :-)
from carallyne :
yea it was pretty miserable. i didn't drive home and then back again tho..? i just drove around PA for two hours looking for the reception until i finally decided to give up and go home. sucks. i am probably gonna drive back to get my phone too because im too cheap to get a new one.
from sheaabijah :
wow! i agree, that disclosure was tooootally unprofessional! eww. go back to school whoever that lady is! that would piss me off that your mom is willing to go with her if i were you too. good job on 13 pounds! r u doing that program you had when we were in college? that's crazy fast, but cool!
from blogblah :
Michelle you're just too sweet! I know what you mean about being able to tell when someone isn't gonna work. I hope your lady works out too. Training is so hard! You'd think saying no wouldn't be so hard, who knew?!
from sheaabijah :
hahaha...ok more. i totally understand what you said at the end of your entry about body issues...when one of your biggest insecurities in life is embraced by someone and you know they see past it, it's so enticing! whether it's about your body or ANYTHING you think is a flaw about yourself as a person, to know that someone loves you unconditionally, in spite of it, or even doesn't see it as a problem, is a powerful feeling. it makes it easier to believe in yourself and feel good about yourself...like it gives you permission to let go of self-loathing.
from sheaabijah :
this is gonna be the world's longest note. the tired thing would piss me off too. i know i don't talk about our fights in specifics much, but that kind of thing you described was one of the things that was an issue b/t dave and i too. for instance, he is almost always late, and not for good reasons, but just b/c he's one of those people who will get talking to someone and not be able to tell them "hey, it's good talking to you but i have plans/someone waiting on me right now so i gotta run! ttyl!" instead he'll just linger, and he always expects me to be flexible and ok with it when he does that and it ends up making him (sometimes extremely) late for me and sometimes even fucks up our whole night's plans. BUT, GOD FORBID *i* ever make HIM wait for me! one day we were gonna meet for a walk at our fave park, and i was already there waiting for him when he called and said he had to stop at his parent's house and he might get caught up talking to his visiting uncle, but he wasn't sure. knowing him as i do, i assumed he DEFINATELY would get caught talking, so i went to starbucks 10 min. away to get a green tea. while i was there, he called and was like "Where are you??!!" and i explained my thinking, and told him it would only take me 10 minutes to get back there. he was like "well i'm not waiting! this walk is about gus, and i'm not gonna just sit here in my car and wait!" OMG, like *i* do not spend half my life waiting in my car for him! PISSED ME OFF. so if we ever get back together, that's something i cannot put up with anymore! we've fought about it, but something really has to change, b/c when people are selfish and myopic like that it really makes the other person feel so disrespected. ugh. haha now i'm all angry just telling that story. ew.
from sheaabijah :
when i went to disney world with my family this past year (august) my mom, who is 62, had to rent one of those little wheely little rascal dealies to ride around on, b/c her feet and legs hurt so badly from all the walking. that made me so sad, like, wow, my mom is getting old...it makes me want to take better care of my health than she did, b/c i don't think you have to be that decrepit so young!
from blogblah :
I so know how you feel about the overeating thing. I'll step on the scales and be like "oh that's not as high as I thought, let me make it higher by eating more and more." Obviously I don't consciously think that but that's what ends up happening. I don't write about it much either because it's so shameful to admit. Just know that you're not alone and I'm proud of you for going to counseling. You will eventually get to that subject and when you do, you'll feel so much better. Good luck Michelle!
from carallyne :
a lot of what you wrote makes sense. we all seem to have our cycles of self-soothing that end up doing more harm than good. but what is happening with volunteering. too late for africa? why are you watching georgia slip away? go for it!!!
from stardrips :
i was gonna leave you a long comment but instead i put it into an entry. love ya!
from stardrips :
yeh lots of books and mentally wrestling with these things and asking lots of people...just talking about it out loud...i'm passionate about it so that helps :) i just read a book called "emotional purity" by heather paulsen that really helped alot. did you get your package yet?
from stardrips :
why no updates?
from sheaabijah :
i would text him if i were you...not quite as big as a call, but it lets him know you are thinking about him and wanting to have contact...:-)
from carallyne :
last semester's class was called "practicum" but it is the same thing as internship (not sure why they call them different things) so i had already started it. but if you mean i started working in outpatient now... i like it so far. hard to tell since i have only met with one client one time. but i think it will be a good and challenging experience. :)
from stardrips :
did you read my four entries on dating? you should...i think you're on to something with not wanting to disappoint men. you end up doing things you don't want to do. listen to your self and your real desires. you are worth loving yourself and listening to yourself. don't compromise who you are for possible love. be yourself. find yourself first so you know who are you. then someone will come into your world, not you having to go into theirs to make something work.
from stardrips :
where'd you go, yo?
from sheaabijah :
no, i'm sure i won't be able to go...damn now i forget where the invite is, so i can rsvp no, and send a card...i thought it was sweet that he invited me though! :-)
from sheaabijah :
yeah, focusing on health is good, especially since your dr. told you that was one of the key things you can do for yourself (eating healthy, keeping stress low, etc.) to keep your immune system strong right now. also, are you going to jim's wedding? i got an invitation the other day...
from carallyne :
change ur pw again?
from sheaabijah :
wow about L, J's wife! that's so sad! i have no idea what you should do...i feel bad for her though! i don't want to see her spend a lifetime suffering b/c of his f-ed up ways...but how hard would it be to be a single mom to 2 little kids? ahhh. that sucks. and forget B and overanalyzing your date! if you felt good about it, then you were THERE, you should know!
from stardrips :
"don't do it *to* stay out of it," i meant
from stardrips :
i don't know what your journal says, so idk if you should or not. how would she ever throw it in your face? i don't think you need to protect her. either don't do it stay out of it or do it because she's asking without censoring/holding back the truth, you know?
from stardrips :
i think you should tell her. she's asking.
from blogblah :
i think it's ok that your journal is a lot about other people. that's how mine is too, although maybe not in a good way because i tend to talk badly about people. but it's like you said, you want to remember them in your life and how they impacted you.
from stardrips :
no i didn't get his cd. i'm sure it's good but i never listened to his older one, so... yeh, sabrina still has her eyebrow ring... i was in the hospital friday and saturday :(
from stardrips :
when it comes to who you give your heart to in a romantic relationship, you are allowed to judge that person up and down and in and out because that's who's getting your heart! you wanna know they will handle it right. that's different than everyone else who we are to not judge and accept and love. and i totally agree about not trying to make things work especially when there's all these red flags. we think this might be the best chance we get so we try to take it but it's not right. like trying to make the puzzle peices fit where they just don't. i think when it's god, it'll all fall together like we couldn't have imagined.
from sheaabijah :
OMG i hate fast-forwarders! my dad used to do taht, and ALL it made me want to do was rent the movie myself when i grew up so i could see what i was missing! it only made the "bad" stuff a bigger deal, so that i ended up more curious about it! my sister did that over christmas break when we were watching a movie with her kids, and it took her so long cuz she kept fast forwarding but going too far and then having to rewind but going too far - over and over again! and then it turned out she had fast forwarded the wrong scene anyway and the "bad" one got through and they saw it anyway...hahaha! i didn't say ANYTHING in front of the kids, but later on i was like "yeah, good job fast forwarding there champ..." and we both laughed and laughed at how ridiculous it had been...so at least she somewhat gets it...really rigid people are hard to deal with though, and i bet that even if your aunt's kids are really good now, someday at least one of them will go nuts with freedom and do all kinds of stuff just to piss her off.
from carallyne :
i was so confused why you were planning to meet him when you said (in the last sentence of the entry) that he isn't the kind of guy you want. i agree with josh; why meet him/get involved at all if you know you have different standards for the guy you want to be with. as for this weekend- sure come on over. hope you don't mind that i can't deal with the city right now.
from blogblah :
no response yet... he doesn't get to check email much. i'm guessing communication is down since he didn't call this weekend. hopefully soon.
from sheaabijah :
i love jeffrey dean morgan too! he was on grey's anatomy and i fell in love with him.
from stardrips :
no it wouldn't be for school credit. just life credit ;) i think he's originally from indiana but he's been in kansas city, missouri for three years. he doesn't have a myspace. he doesn't want one. not really into that. the trip was last weekend. 3 days. went friday morning and came back monday. it was good :)
from carallyne :
no. after i emailed i got an automatic message sent back saying that he is unavailable at this time so it might be a while i dont know.
from sheaabijah :
i meant DVB again, not dvd, lol...
from sheaabijah :
is dvb, DVD, from EU? r u still in touch w. him? you went to his wedding? also, i agree w. laura about the #s, and feel like i need that to happen to me too sometimes. reading your work entries ~ you seem like such a real adult now! with a real career! i feel like i'm a teenager compared to you, lol.
from stardrips :
i think it's so funny that your profile page says "i like potatoes, walmart, and cheese."
from carallyne :
someone needs to come and steal some phone numbers from you and then not let you have them back michelle!! and i can't believe dvb got married. i guess i knew it was coming but i didn't think it would be so soon. i wonder if he got married the same day as my dad...? weird.
from sheaabijah :
nope.
from carallyne :
it's no problem; the wedding was good. did you change your password?
from sheaabijah :
i almost feel like this is going to be good for you in a weird way, b/c it'll make you take RELAXING and taking time to nurture yourself more seriously - you'll have to make sleeping and keeping stress low a priority...cuz i feel like usually you feel an internal pressure to stay busy busy busy and feel guilty if you take time for yourself.
from carallyne :
do you mind deleting my comments about it?
from carallyne :
did that make any sense at all?
from blogblah :
I don't think you should butt out. I feel like this whole thing with you guys will blow over but that could just be me because i don't know them or the whole situation. But if she is being abused and other people are thinking that too then it's definitely something you should watch for. Like it or not, you are a very caring person and you would care even if your worst enemy was being abused.
from stardrips :
haha, yeh, and i want to add that when talking to someone with eyes like that, you can't stare into their eyes to figure it out either because then it seems obvious. i always wonder if i'm looking into the wrong one and they think i'm looking away from them while i look like i think i'm making eye contact. i don't know. thanks, michelle! glad to make you laugh...
from carallyne :
no it wasn't vandalism. a rock hit my window when i was driving on the highway so i saw it happen. so stupid. and then it got bigger one night after a lot of ice froze over the window. as far as the thing on my stomach... it is getting bigger? the second test says "the lesion is unchanged since 10/26", and the last two tests both say it is 5cm so I didn't know it was growing? the doctors aren't telling me very much now, so I am going to go into the surgeon's office with a list of questions. thanks for the support.
from blogblah :
YES, they are wonderful. Want the recipe?
from carallyne :
i have trouble understanding how this all happened. you were making plans to spend saturday with helen and darren, and when you invited them over they basically said "no your house isn't big enough, we're going to brett's cuz he has a big house, and oh by the way you aren't invited. but you don't mind, right?"... what's this whole thing about your house not being big enough anyway? it may not be as big as brett's, but it's cozy and there are plenty of places for everyone to sit, so i don't see the problem. that's just plain rude. i really hope that lindsey and jen and ben and everyone else go to your house instead. then the three of them can have that whole BIG house to themselves. but you're right, the whole thing is so immature. what gets me the most is that if you and helen were making plans for that day then she shouldn't diss your house, ditch you, invite everyone else to a place where she knows you aren't invited, and then let you know as an afterthought and act like everything is okay. because darren and brett are friends? what about you and her? seems like she is only a friend when it's convenient.
from stardrips :
thank you for your comment. yah, every birthday and holiday and fun time, i hope that "this time next year" i will have *him* to enjoy it with. it is so hard...
from sheaabijah :
do you remember steph's DL password? i can't remember it! could you email it to me if you do? i'm dying to see what she wrote! :-)
from sheaabijah :
in fact, i feel bad, b/c i think you told me about this a long time ago, and while i thought it was obviously a weird thing to have happened etc., i don't think i reaccted the way i probably should have, which is to encourage you to do what you're doing now - think more about it, explore it, etc.....i'm sorry! i wish i had seen more clearly then what a big emotional deal it was.
from stardrips :
i agree with sabrina! it almost went without saying in my head...
from stardrips :
my church gave me most of the traveling money. the conference itself is free. yeh, i'm flying from boston to kansas city, missouri. crazy! :)
from stardrips :
it's meant to be read as a whole. it's not random sentences like the other entry i wrote.
from stardrips :
go michelle! as i was reading and you listed all those bad things about the nanny job, i was like, "she better have said no!" and you did! yea! great step in listening to yourself!
from carallyne :
maybe the way i wrote it was funny, but that wasn't my intention.
from carallyne :
i don't understand...? i don't see humor in anything i wrote. those are things i really wish for and imagine.
from sheaabijah :
i'm SOOOO glad it wasn't as bad you feared it would be! and that's GREAT that they took the whole part! you *were* so brave and took care of yourself even when it wasn't the easy thing to do!
from sheaabijah :
oh michelle! i would be so scared too!!!!! i haven't even ever had a real exam like that! oh and i don't have any pics of my new eyebrow ring...we don't ever take pictures! we should tho. i don't have a digital camera tho so even if i do everything takes longer...
from sheaabijah :
the freakin' bachelor thing...i know! we couldn't BELIEVE it!
from carallyne :
yea man my ear was soooooooo swollon and painful and sea salt worked miracles.
from sheaabijah :
so where do you get sea salt water? LOL that i said mine gets a little pussy lol...prob should have spelled it pus-sy or puss-y...pussy just looks wrong!!!
from sheaabijah :
wow that blows! thanks for the warning...i feel like mine is different from yours though, b/c it's an eyebrow one and not a nose one...like, i kindof HAVE to move mine to get cleaner stuff into it, etc....plus it shifts around and i have to adjust it i feel like...it does get a little pussy sometimes but i've honestly been putting neosporin on it and that seems to help (don't know what a real piercing person would say about that though!). that sucks that you might get a scar! I sort of expect to have a scar b/c of where mine is and it's soft skin, ya know? let me know how yours does with the new treatment!
from stardrips :
i'm happy for you - that you were able to get some perspective on your life like you said and that your counselor could help you see what you did! that's great, michelle!
from blogblah :
wow michelle, you have a LOT going on. i'm sorry things are so crazy right now. i agree with R. you should go get the tests because even if it is painful, it can't be more painful than the possible alternative, right? also, about M. don't tell all his myspace friends. and this is why... if you do that, it won't seem like you being ethical or moral, it will seem like you're trying to destroy him. honestly, if those other girls don't know about him and how he is, it isn't your responsibility to tell them. it won't do anything but cause more hurt for you and most likely the girls wouldn't believe you anyway. he would play it off like you're some crazy ex gilfriend. don't do that to yourself.
from sheaabijah :
i think i've thought that for a long time too, that guys want us to change our morals/opinions for them...it's funny that you wrote about that b/c i was just thinking about it last night, how i'm finally starting to get it that they DON'T...dave has talked about that, about how he really respected his ex b/c of some of the things she stood for even when he didn't agree or sort of wished she would relax...that that respect he felt for her was one of the strong things that made her worth loving to him...
from sheaabijah :
oh michelle i just want to give you a big snuggly hug (but not in the lets take a bubble bath together way, lol ;-))...life sucks sometimes!!!!! i'm proud that you're trying to think and work through stuff!
from carallyne :
good riddance. what an asshole! but i am so sorry michelle that you have to go through this. you don't deserve what you have been put through at all. we should talk this weekend if you have some time. lawrence wants to talk to you too, if that's okay? i dunno, i am sorry if my comment is stupid and not as eloquent as rachael and melissa's. but i agree with what they said, and i love you michelle!!!
from stardrips :
love you, michelle.
from blogblah :
don't be ashamed. we will not judge you, you should know that by now since we all have embarassing entries. i know the feeling of wanting to keep them private though. anyway, i'm really sorry. i don't know what else to say except that. you're a great person michelle and we love you so much! don't do this to yourself, do what you said and repent and move on. go to God and deal with what needs to be dealt with and trust that he will provide. sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to go to God like you really need to, maybe it's all a part of His plan?
from blogblah :
I'm sorry this happened to you Michelle, I really am. But Lisa is right, at least you got out of it quickly and weren't like in love with him when you finally saw who he really was. I think Sabrina is right, go to God. It's probably not a bad idea to lay off guys for a minute and just evaluate what you want for your life. We're all here for you and love ya!
from stardrips :
michelle, i haven't commented until now because i knew you wouldn't receive what i have to say. and even now you might take it as insult, but i say it to help you see. when i read your diaryland's i think to myself, "MICHELLE!?!!!, YOU ARE SO NAIVE!!!!" please stop with men. please sit back. go to god. hear his love and acceptance. find healing. and rely on him to meet your needs. including a man. whether it be in a week or five years. your ways keep ending up the same. it's time to stop and be still. stop hurting yourself. wait for your eyes to open before going ahead in life. no boys. you don't know what is good for you. you have to trust god. day to day. even when it feels like he's doing nothing. read "captivating" by john and stasi eldrege. i know i talk about alot of books but this one is so foundational. please read it. take a time out. please. please. please. for your own sake. i only say all of this as a friend who wants good things for you. stop living for men. plug your need for a man into god. period. PERIOD. !!!!!!!!!! i know i'm being harsh, but maybe that's what it takes. you deserve better than all of this. i pray showers of mercy and grace on you - not shame and condemnation like i know you want to berate yourself in. that won't help. go to god. he knows the ins and outs of your heart and you don't. read "captivating". go to borders or barnes and noble TOMORROW and get it. or have it rush shipped from amazon.com. do this for your life. you deserve a good life and you do not know how to give that yourself. i love you, michelle
from blogblah :
ugh michelle, i don't know how to tell you this. he doesn't sound legit. he sounds too good to be true. he sounds like he's lying through his teeth. i know you don't want to hear this probably but i just know how much you care about people and how that hinders your ability to see when they're screwing you over. from an outsiders perspective, he lied, he stood you up, he's shady in general. i don't like the idea of someone treating you badly and you not seeing it at all. i'm really sorry if this is out of left field or if you feel like i shouldn't have said anything but you asked for our thoughts. i want you to be happy and i don't think he's the way to achieve that. i'm sorry.
from blogblah :
so... how did it go?!?!
from carallyne :
you will be FINE-- you're meeting in public.
from carallyne :
GL Michelle, knock'em out!!! i am glad you give us the address, but it's still a little creepy.
from carallyne :
here is my advice in code: -forget about the hairdresser -don't give up on canada -give stephanie a chance, but get the story straight on the children
from carallyne :
27? 26? wtf?
from carallyne :
no more being late? what happened? {in code}
from blogblah :
he's soooooooooooo good!!! i'm having the best time with him!
from blogblah :
I think that's an interesting similarity you found between how you treat men and children. But I don't know if it's the whole problem. Seeing a therapist about it couldn't hurt, ya know? You definitely deserve someone who is going to treat you better than children do. Relationships, like you said, can't be built on the hope that things will be better.
from carallyne :
it was in CT (that was a typo)
from blogblah :
wait, her feedback? I didn't get any. Or else I deleted it on accident. Do you still have it?
from blogblah :
michelle, what happened? did you die or something?!?! you must be bursting at the seams about things to write about. WRITE TO US!! We miss you!
from carallyne :
what happened
from stardrips :
what's cute?
from stardrips :
paula cole sang that "i don't wanna wait" ("for our lives to be over...") song for dawson's creek, remember? if it's lame, we can leave but it might be fun :)
from blogblah :
The warning signs with Holly is that she's got a really STRONG personality and seems like she wants to control everything, even though she doesn't know enough to know how to control it. So when she gets things wrong and I correct her, she's starting to make excuses. Also, she's got a lot of contradictory stories like she said she's married but then yesterday she said she doesn't want to get married until she's older. So I dunno, it's just weird. After training as many people as I have, it's easy to see whene there is gonna be a problem. Sadly, more often than not, there is a problem that leads to them leaving. Is that true where you used to work too? Was it THIS hard to find and keep good therapists?
from sheaabijah :
i love this quote "I explained how if I had his number in my phone, I just wanted to call him and I didn�t wanna be that girl who doesn�t take a hint and makes the guy want to kill himself" LOL i feel like that too! i never delete numbers but i always am trying to talk myself out of over-calling/texting! what does mike look like? is he the dark one? damn i hate that kind of "bachelor" situation too! dave told me he's been hanging out with this girl named nicole too, and he told me he doesn't like her and said he's probably going to have to tell her that soon b/c he thinks she likes him, but still i don't like it...PLUS i worry that he's thinking the same thing about me!
from sheaabijah :
omg michelle! i didn't see this last night...i'm so glad laura knew! young lady! lol... well i'm glad he didn't kill you!!! did he answer his phone? what did he text you? maybe he was just nervous?
from sheaabijah :
i did buy a straightener at a salon for a kachillion bucks, but i feel better that way b/c there's a warranty? it still pisses me off when i think about my old one breaking tho, so let's not talk about it LOL...aww, well believe me, my relationship with him is nothing but friendship yet, so i'm not really getting a "consisistent relationship" either...i just get jealous easily i guess, and i guess it's always easier to look at someone else's life and think they're cooler, the grass is greener etc....speaking of colors, i think my self-tanner is turning me yellow? people swear they don't see it, but i do...oh well i'll give it a few more days! how are you tanning this year??? naturally or spray or what?
from carallyne :
I didn't do one hour photo, so I am going to pick them up tomorrow. I'll let you know how they turn out. I am sure I will post some of them on myspace too, if they came out okay.
from sheaabijah :
also, can i say that i feel like such a loser in life compared to you michelle, b/c you ALWAYS have some boy or another barking up your tree! if i get one guy every three months i get all excited...my life is so boring and uneventful compared to yours!
from sheaabijah :
this is my response to your myspace comment b/c i can't sign in to myspace at work and that's where i'm usually online :-): do you mean my friend virginia's daughter? yeah, i usually stay white as a ghost but i just last night started this aveeno self-tanning lotion that's supposed to gradually darken me, so hopefully i'll get somewhat tan???! and shut up you, you're tanner than me on your palest day ~ don't even try to pacify me by comparing us! ;). i know i'm psyched about my brow! hopefully i'll look cool and not like a total schmo LOL...i can't wait to see you guys!!!!!!!!!i know, i wish i had some dave pics to share, but he's way too old and mature for online crap...and ya know, we're just friends...:-)
from sheaabijah :
i LOVE the letter and list you wrote to help you process the R thing! wow, that's so powerful... like something they would do on starting over!! reading your posts reminded me of this snow patrol song lyric from their song "you could be happy." "Do the things that you always wanted to Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do More than anything I want to see you, girl Take a glorious bite out of the whole world" i listen to that song sometimes and pretend whichever one of the seans i'm thinking about at that time is singing it to me... glad you're back on DL! btw, i would be upset about your counselor saying/acting like that too! can you explain to her more clearly and forcefully that you NEED to talk about it? i feel like if she had said that i would have said "HELLO!"
from stardrips :
aww, thanks, michelle, for the feedback and comments and encouragemnt from my long post. :) i liked the letter you wrote to yourself from raymond. i think it says alot and must be good for you to articulate and process. i feel like you are trying to swim and he's a weight around your ankle. as soon as you are free, you'll swim away so happily and freely and beautifully and gracefully!
from sheaabijah :
oh michelle my belle! i don't have anything good to say, except that i'm sending you telepathic hugs of encouragement... life can be so excruciatingly hard :-(
from sheaabijah :
ahh! u haven't updated in a while...i'm not used to that from u! but it's ok, i can't judge, i go through spurts where i do and long spells where i don't, as we all know...
from sheaabijah :
i wish he wasn't being a dick to you. probably makes you feel like you hadn't even told him! right now he's not earning your trust so that you can feel comfortable being honest with him in the future.
from stardrips :
i'm sorry that happened to you, michelle
from stardrips :
i like what came up in your counseling session. i'm happy for you and believe in you :) i really liked this part of that poem too (i'm gonna steal it): So you plant your own gardens and decorate Your own soul instead of waiting For someone to bring you flowers
from stardrips :
haha, thanks, michelley :)
from stardrips :
july is open except for a wedding the 14th!
from sheaabijah :
i don't have any plans set in stone for july thus far...so any weekend would be fine!
from sheaabijah :
wow. well at least they're trying to be protective of their child i guess...but i think i would feel insulted too. btw, i HATE collies! i would be hurt by Rs actions too....wtf with men, man...i don't get them...don't they know we just want to be loved?
from stardrips :
um, michelle! what is a penis cookie?
from stardrips :
what is up with diaryland? are they waiting for everyone to get fed up and pay the money? well, not me!
from carallyne :
no hypothesis.... whatchu thinkin?
from sheaabijah :
have a great time on your trip! yeah, i haven't seen him in a couple days..when i see him i get excited and think it feels so right, but it's been very gradual all along so i don't think it's going to rush right to serious dating or anything...i'm trying to not get too caught up in it and get my hopes up until it really is something. but yeah he's cute :-)...i don't think your letter sounds rude ~ it sounds great to me!
from blogblah :
I don't think it's rude at all. It's very well written and they must know that psyc experience takes priority since that's what you wanna do. And by the way, I want $15 an hour for babysitting!!! I just stayed with my normal $10 an hour but I guess anyone I get knew I could ask maybe $12? How did you get the guts to ask for $15!!?!
from blogblah :
If you're addicted to diaryland then I, for one, am happy about it. lol, I love reading your entries!
from carallyne :
well if you are addicted to anything, it doesn't seem so bad of an "addiction". writing is usually helpful for people, ya know. but anything that is all-consuming can become unhealthy. i don't think you're there yet, but you're the only one who can make that determination.
from stardrips :
oh michelle, listen to that dream
from stardrips :
i sent you an email :)
from blogblah :
I know how you feel with the parents working at home thing. I did that for almost two years with two different families and only a little while with another family. You get used to it, just act like they aren't there. It is hard to get used to because every babysitter is different when the parents aren't around, not better or worse, just different. Just try to ignore them. Give it a chance. Good luck!
from stardrips :
sabrina's parents come the 26th. yeh, you could definitely write a paper when we're at work. whatever you wanna do :)
from stardrips :
YES! michelle! that's the right way to think! i'm so proud of you and happy for you. keep on no matter what! i'm so excited :)
from stardrips :
i looked them all up on maquest and ogunquit is an hour away. that seems to be the closest though i don't know what SW harbor is. is that short for something? nothing came up. are you talking april or may? i don't know how much time i could take off. we could just do as much as we can. ogunquit is on the ocean but there's lots of gay people! :) but it's not quite time for tourist season there - i don't know. just come stay at my house!
from stardrips :
hmm, ellsworth? if you're serious, we should talk about this
from blogblah :
I don't know what rachel said but I agree with Laura. Nothing seems to have changed. Have you gone back and read some of your journal entries? Maybe that would help to clear some of the fog that love causes. Trust me, I know better than anyone how easy it is to see only the good stuff when you want something so bad but try going back and reading some of the stuff you two have gone through and maybe that would help. You know that we will all support you no matter what you do. We only want YOU to be happy. =)
from blogblah :
whateverdude
from stardrips :
would you be driving here on the 11th and leaving on the 14th? so i don't really need those days off then, right?
from stardrips :
thanks for getting back to me and for trying. so are you definately coming that weekened no matter what? so i'll take those days off too? i need it set in stone as soon as we all know :) thanks, michelley!
from sheaabijah :
lucas!
from sheaabijah :
how many hours a week will they be giving you? that's awesome! i should think about doing some babysitting...i doubt i would be as in demand as you though as i don't have the years of experience you have...have you ever heard from the teddy and jane and ??? oh what was that third little kid's name...was raymond in it somehow?
from blogblah :
It would be weird if you DIDN'T cry. Sorry it's so hard though, but I think it's normal
from blogblah :
I'm so glad you get to babysit. This is inspiring me to start doing that again. Who knows when it will fit into my schedule but I would love to do that again! With multiples, of course, hehe. I'm happy for you!!
from sheaabijah :
oh and yes, they're cheaper on the internet, but there's no warranty if you buy them online is what i've heard. in all the salons i've gone to they are 150, but the one i finally am going with has it for 130. :-( EXPENSIVE!
from sheaabijah :
the people at bubbles told me on the phone that if i send it to the company with receipt, etc. they will send me a new one, but the thingy inside the box CLEARLY says they will only do that within 1 year, so who's lying to me? i think i will send it in just to see, but also buy the new one, and maybe have two i guess. i just can't wait anymore! that's cool that your dad could fix it...not me! damn thing.
from carallyne :
sooo wait is he coming? what's going on?
from blogblah :
um no, not lol. Michelle, pleeeaaaasssseee?!?!?! I can sooooo help with the fundraising!
from blogblah :
michelle, i want you to walk 20 miles with us!!!!!!!!!! consider this the pressure.
from sheaabijah :
what's his butt's name on there is KRRR or MRRR oh dammit something like that i just looked it up and now i forgot already! it's a headshot of him, he's bigger and pale and the background is blue...i LOL at your comment on my myspace! :-P
from blogblah :
well i bought one from there, a $20 to make sure I didn't get screwed. cause $20 is only $20. I went to walmart today and got a 1000 minutes AT&T one for $40 too because stupid me thought they might have to MAIL ME the phone card. what age am I in??? I'll let you know how it goes!
from blogblah :
i need your help! i was looking at AT&T and it looks like it'll be sooooooo much more than the card wcdi.com had. Like by a LOT. So I'm wondering what the catch is with the wcdi card. Like is there a big connection fee every time I call or what? I'm thinking of buying a cheap like $10 to see if it's as big a difference in price and worth it as it seems. I just wonder if I'll get screwed.
from stardrips :
come to maine twice!!! :) we could go to boston too, i need to get away :)
from sheaabijah :
Steinberg! haha...yeah, that's why i stay at MG as my part time job i think...b/c it's fun and not as stressful as my "real" job...i've had offers to do other things for my part time job, but they would all be just as stressful and i don't want to be handling stress ALL the time!
from sheaabijah :
i could have WRITTEN paragraph 11 in your last post (the one that starts "i HATE...")...how are you feeling today? does it help to be busy or make it worse?
from blogblah :
I'm so sorry you have to go through this michelle. There's nothing I can say to help and that you haven't already heard but just KNOW that you deserve so much better. I know that doesn't help now but you do. You know you do. It's like Laura said, when you found the one you're supposed to be with, there will be no doubts. You won't have to start "working" on the relationship after only a couple weeks. It'll be blissful and beautiful and you WILL find it. I'll be praying for you.
from sheaabijah :
oh michelle i could truly cry for you if i wasn't at work... i understand exactly how you feel....so i know there's nothing i can say...:-(
from sheaabijah :
family's DO contribute so much to all our issues i think...i like your idea of how you guys need to re-frame how you see each other...it's hard tho!
from sheaabijah :
what is steph's password???? can you email it to me?
from sheaabijah :
will you stop being so EGOtistical!!!! gawd!! LOL i can't *imagine* anyone saying that about you, unless they just didn't know what that word meant...i think that's bullcrap...he doesnt' know what he's talking about. next time be like "you know what? you're talking out of your ass."
from sheaabijah :
i know exactly what you mean! sometimes it's soooo hard for me not to text or call one of my boy interests, it's almost like a physical craving. i've gone 3 days without it, but it's so hard. esp. at night, i agree...when you know they're lying on their couch just watching tv, or at least chilling somewhere, not working...available to give you attention! i never knew i was this needy either.
from sheaabijah :
i too love potatos, walmart and cheese. i don't know how i got my date to say that...i didn't try...it must've just been a glitch? i don't know how the rules are working for me yet...i'll post an update in a while maybe...i'm so tired i can't think! i've got a case of the mondays. OH, BUT! i HHHHHHATTTTTEEEEDDDDD JJ when i was at EU, lol! well, i guess hated is a strong word (esp. stretched out like that) but he rubbed me the WRONG way!
from stardrips :
i think if a man accuses us of being too sensitive, we end up compromising ourselves while trying to not be
from sheaabijah :
you do deserve that!!!
from carallyne :
HALLELUAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you go girlfriend :)
from sheaabijah :
michelle, it has been 20 hours since your last update! i depend on your DL to entertain me at work, missy! update!! :-) ps...how is it POSSIBLE that you can be graduating so soon????? time has FLOOOOOWN!
from sheaabijah :
i hate that too! just *don't* forget and that'll show him! lol
from sheaabijah :
there ya go michelle, i updated 2 times for ya :-)
from sheaabijah :
what did aj think of rachael's email?
from carallyne :
does ireland in july mean no jamaica this summer?
from carallyne :
i know you're stubborn, but i thought if you knew melissa was doing it you might be more inclined. but then i remembered that you said part of the reason you didn't want to is because you wanted to ask people for money for mission trips and you didn't want to over-do it. so that makes sense. we'd love to have you though!
from blogblah :
oh michelle, this sucks. I'm so sorry you have to go through this crap. I agree with Laura though, you shouldn't settle. You already know you can't rush love, but it seems like you're trying to. God has a plan for you, just trust! I hope things get easier for you...
from sheaabijah :
awwww. i don't know what to say! i agree with laura's advice/insight, but mostly my heart just bleeds for you, b/c i know how hard all the things you're feeling are! damn emotions!
from carallyne :
practice makes perfect. i bet you could get his name right in time. i'm so glad that he likes you! but i didn't have any doubts about that anyway. he'd be blind if he didn't see how beautiful you are :)
from sheaabijah :
awww, i really want it to work out for you and black BP! that's great that your first date went well! i'm so jealous of you and all the guy action in your life!
from sheaabijah :
ahhh. no brad! he's on the REBOUND! i feel bad for him, but you guys have found out in the past that you just are not each other's perfect match! awww, i want to hang out with steph too!
from blogblah :
Well actually I can't call him, he's gotta go to a phone booth somewhere and call me. So I dunno...
from blogblah :
I am actually NOT a pro since he's never been out of the country. HELP ME! I have to find some for him that are good and work in Afghanistan. Give me all your wisdom, I hadn't even thought of asking you but DUH, international relationship, Hello?! Ok, share please!
from sheaabijah :
poor brad! and poor you ~ that convo with R three entries ago sounds like it was heart wrenching!!!! it sounds like black BP is still a possibility tho? did you meet him at starbucks yet?
from blogblah :
I dunno how serious you're thinking about working for that place and being a consultant. But here's what I know about that... the BCBA that I work under has a masters degree in ABA and is highly trained/skilled to plan programs and do what she does. But she said that a lot of people who only have BA try to call themselves behavioral consultants when they don't really have the right training to do that sort of thing so they aren't doing the families that they work for justice. I wouldn't feel comfortable being a BC without a degree in ABA but you have more experience than me so maybe you are. I'm not trying to lecture you here (although I know that's how it sounds, sorry). It's just that we have had a lot of conversations about this at our workshops and I just had to give you my two cents. To me, it wouldn't be worth it. There, i'm stepping off my soapbox =)
from sheaabijah :
you respond to black BP right now! i want details, and i can't get them if nothing's happening!!! :-)
from blogblah :
Michelle, you're so cute =) Your friend is being stationed somewhere, just a different base. That's why his wife can go with him. He'll be there probably for a few years and they'll just live a normal life in a different place, ya know? But Mike is going to Afghanistan, which I'm sure you know is a war zone, on a deployment for at least one year. Spouses can not accompany their military members into war zones. It's the same if he goes to Iraq, God forbid. Sorry, maybe I wasn't clear about where he was going. I forget people outside of this community don't know much about the military. But thanks for the thoughts and prayers, I'm really gonna be needing them in the coming days/weeks/months.
from sheaabijah :
the other day i texted rachael to ask her if she wanted to go to starbucks with me when she got off work, but she didn't respond so i just started driving there...then halfway there she texted and said sure if it's not too late and i said "it's ok, i'll turn around 4 u" and it made me laugh 'cause that's your DL name...anyway that's the stupidest most boring story of your life i'm sure...LOL
from sheaabijah :
that does sound like a nightmare of a date...LOL about you hiding your hands from him! :-P...I HATE the "whatever" thing too! i had a fight with sean #2 about that once...he kept doing it just to piss me off after that, so i had to just ignore it, but GOD, i know ~ you just want to throttle them!
from sheaabijah :
that sucks...it can be really hard to live with all the toxicity of family stuff ~ it's so much easier to get along with/feel close to them when you don't live with them! is there anyone you could get an apartment with ~ are you thinking about that at all? 'cause it sounds rough, like you can never relax when you're home.
from sheaabijah :
i thought i posted this note earier but now i don't see it...i just joined planet fitness for 39.99 down and 10 bucks a month ~ i guess it's cheaper to get fit than to fall in love, huh? lol
from sheaabijah :
hahaha, i'm glad you and laura had fun together! i got your message! :-) we had bad weather this weekend tho and i mostly stayed home, and i terrible cell reception there. awww, i wish i had been there to eat chocolate, watch football and gab!
from blogblah :
hey michelle, i can't say exactly when mike leaves because it's an opsec (operational security) violation. so i can't say it online but laura can probably tell ya. it's pretty soon. and he'll be gone a whole year, or something like it. so that's PLENTY of time for you guys to come here and see my house!
from carallyne :
oh and i have been thinking about your two choices for practicum. i'd write more about it but it's after 3 and i'm exhausted, so i'll write about it or talk to you about it tomorrow. not that i have any keen insights, butchu know!
from carallyne :
interesting your reaction to SH's execution. I remember our debate that we did together was on the death penalty. we had to argue against it, which i felt and still feel strongly against. but , if i remember correctly, you felt conflicted about it and leaned more toward accepting it. that kind of bothered me. nothing personal. i just have a self-centered problem sometimes where i hate for people to disagree with things i feel strongly about. don't mind me. his execution never really hit me like that though. i have become so immune to this stuff lately, it's sad. but i def. don't agree with it.
from sheaabijah :
i like the sound of LVF...man, this is making me really think about going to grad school!!!! i think i will just bite the bullet and take a class this summer...i need to TRY it and not just be afraid that i can't do it! and b/t you and laura i am jealous b/c it sounds like you guys are mostly really enjoying it!
from sheaabijah :
i want a relationship with lots of communication and lots of sex too! :-) that sucks about R.......i can't imagine how weird it must be after all this time to just try to let it go....like there's a big hole in your life where he used to be...
from carallyne :
me and G??? i'm confused. you mean me and L??
from carallyne :
like me...how? why?
from carallyne :
i find it a little strange that she is so concerned about you moving out..? personally, i think our society is too focused on being independent. in other countries, it's normal for people to live at home with their parents for much longer. and while i think it is good to move out, i think it's important to wait until it's a good time. right now you are probably doing the smartest thing you can do... staying at home and saving money!!! what's the rush? you have your whole life ahead of you to worry about rent and mortgages. it's not like you're just doing nothing and mooching off your parents. you're working hard!! and it's going to pay off!! before you know it you will be graduated, and you'll have money saved, and you'll be ready to move out =)
from carallyne :
no... well, when you sign up for the program you agree to be a mentor for at least one year. at the end of the year you can decide if you want to continue doing it. when i first signed up, i thought i'd probably continue doing it for a while, but it didn't end up being how i expected. we never really bonded, and taking her out ended up being really expensive, because her family never helped out with the money, like they are advised to do. plus with grad school now, and this new job, and trying to see lawrence (selfish?) i realized i wouldn't have enough time to see her that much. as it is, i was supposed to see her every week, and i never did... so i felt bad, like i wasn't the best mentor for her... so i think they are going to assign her another big sister. on a scale from 1-10... maybe a .... 3?
from carallyne :
why did you learn it a 4:30am? that's curious. PLEASE do yourself a favor and DO NOT meet this guy. he sounds like loser, not to mention a seriously confused one. i don't trust him one bit. so don't second guess yourself on this one!!
from carallyne :
no don't worry... i wasn't thinking of seriously not accepting this job. if i definitely get it, i am definitely going to work there. there is no question of that. i would kick myself in the ass if i didn't. maybe i will love it. and i will have plenty of time, once i get my master's, to work in a hospital anyway, so it might be good to get experience at other places too. so how did your counselor react when you told her you wanted to quit seeing her? have you decided who you might contact instead? ... as soon as i get my new insurance policy from this job, i am going to start seeing a counselor too. CONGRATULATIONS on getting your tape picked to be an example. that must be sooo validating to know that the teacher thinks you are doing that well. it's a good thing you were able to stick with what you learned in class and not be too forward/opinionated with your client, like you had wanted to do. i can imagine that if you became more like the counselor you were seeing that she wouldn't have gained a new found respect for counselors... she probably would have gone on not liking them. but that's great, seriously. i'm really happy for you! you're on your way to becoming a professional counselor. i think that would irritate me that natalie asked you to work for free that much too. i can see like if she wants you to watch the baby when she goes out with james, if it's like once in a blue moon. at least i wouldn't mind that, ya know.. cuz it's a treat to spend time with babies. but, every weekend! what is she thinking? she must know you're a nice person, but it sounds like she is trying to take advantage of that. then again, i can understand she probably doesn't have a lot of options, and probably can't afford to pay you if you did watch the baby, but isn't that something she might have wanted to think about before she was pregnant and about to have her baby? i guess james works on the weekends too... i remember you saying he was going to school to be a police officer. is he one yet? i wonder what she is going to do... how exactly did you answer her when she asked? and how did she react to that? haha.. i am so nosey aren't i? if you spend a lot of weekends in NJ, you best be coming to see me! i am only 20-30 minutes away from you-know-who. and if i get this job, i will actually have weekends off, whereas any other job i have applied for, including the hospital, would not give me weekends off. i will have saturday class all day, and will be reserving sundays for homework... but hey whatever, we still need to see each other more.. and i am good at putting things off that i need to do. bye!
from carallyne :
you're right, i don't usually react strongly/negatively to people at all. but there are a couple things that will really set me off, and prejudice and racism is one of those things. i realize there is often SOME truth to a lot of stereotypes, but i can't stand when negative, overriding generalizations are made about a group of people. ahh.. anyway... i can kind of relate to the thing about people asking me about things for class assignments. i have a girl who does that now, but it's not so bad, because i never gave her my number. she just emails me with questions, so it doesn't bother me. i can see how the calling all the time, when you are trying to get your own work done can be annoying. but to look on the bright side-- you should be flattered that people go to you for help! when people ask me questions about class, and i'm able to help them out, it boosts my self-esteem, and makes me feel more competent and prepared to do the work myself. good luck on your paper!!
from carallyne :
im sorry michelle. i didn't mean to make you feel attacked. i was trying to choose my words carefully, but i was angry at your counselor so it probably came out harshly. i wanted to be able to state my opinion, but i also want your opinion to be your own, so if you like her and she is helping you then just forget about what i said. again, i'm sorry i made you feel attacked :(
from blogblah :
Michelle! You're so sweet! Thank you so much! It IS so intimidating, I'm so scared. When mike and i were talking about it and i said i was scared he was like "baby, i want you to do something for me. (all serious like) I want you to sit down... and remove yourself from your inner wussy" LOL, he's so right! I gotta just jump on it, just like you and laura have done. Here goes nothing, but now I have to have the application in by Dec 1st and i'm reconsidering taking the GRE since I already have one score and I don't think this is a very competitive school. Granted, the score i already have isn't that good (only 980) but I dread spending all that time studying again for nothing... but who knows if they would accept me with the other. I guess I could not take it and then if they dont accept it i could take it. lol, sorry i'm thinking out loud in your message space. thanks again!
from carallyne :
what is the name of the place she works for?
from carallyne :
i think if a) you are paying for it and b) you acknowledge that you do have issues that could benefit from counseling that you should find someone might actually help you. don't think of this as just something you need to do for school. think of it as something that is impt. for your growth as a person and a counselor. this lady goes against everything i learned at EU and everything i am learning at FDU also-- we also emphasize neutrality, not leading the client, not judging, not giving advice. she is doing all these things! i wonder if she learned to do that, or if she just decided to make up her own rules for counseling. whatever it is, it doesn't seem to be working. sure, she might have a couple insightful things to say, but it doesn't seem worth it over all. there are good counselors out there, and i want you to be able to experience one-- bc it might help you with some of ur issues, and because it might give you more faith in the counseling profession, and give you a better idea of what TO DO.
from carallyne :
thanks, i was excited about the grade too. no it's not too personal at all (nothing you don't know), i'll send it to ya. and yea that's what i meant, you are better at getting a job than i am. i am literally sending out at least 10-15 resumes a week (but this week alone, i sent out about 40!!), with nothing in response. and when i call to follow up they always say, "we're reviewing resumes now. we'll get back to you if we are interested" but no response. even with just a 50 cent raise, you are REALLY lucky to be making as much as you are, and lucky too that you can find jobs with even more money offered. do i need to move to pa? every single job i look at makes 10 dollars an hour or LESS and they are counseling jobs, which require bachelor's degrees and experience. WTF?! what was the point in going to college then? well, of course i am glad i went to college, but only because it puts me in a position where i can go to grad school. but i need to start getting experience NOW, before i graduate. anything! i'm getting to the point where i'll take a lot less money than i want, just cuz i'm desperate and i need experience. ahhh.. hopefully only two more years of this, and then it'll get easier once i have my masters. one can only hope.
from carallyne :
ahh.. i gotcha, my mom hates using the heat too, because it's so expensive, but i finally convinced her, and lo and behold it doesn't work anyway. but the plumber should be coming over some time this week, so i don't have to wait quite as long as you. hang in there! and don't feel stupid walking around the house with a hat and gloves. i do it all the time.. lol, dork i know.
from carallyne :
but is your heat actually broken?!
from blogblah :
do you mean including foreplay or the penetration alone? that's a tricky there girlie.
from carallyne :
did u change ur password?
from blogblah :
it's strange to hear that i inspire you. can you tell me how in the world that is possible? thanks though =)
from blogblah :
Now it's my turn to say that I'm sorry to hear everything that's going on. You are in my prayers as well. Guess we all just have to keep our heads up, right?
from carallyne :
heya... no idea where that is (then again, im not from ny). are you looking for places in the city or anywhere in the state? he could go where lawrence goes... borough of manhattan community college (bmc)..?
from blogblah :
Michelle I just wanted to let you know I wasn't thinking AT ALL that you were being too harsh or blaming me for anything. I was really glad that you took an interest, sorry if it seemed like I was biting you head off for something. I'm passionate about it too, ya know? We'll see how it goes, I definitely will update about her as I find things out. Sounds like you have a lot going on, good job going to the gym three times a week! I'm with you though, you need a person more your size to go to the gym and motivate you, I couldn't even go with someone who was a zero. I don't even HAVE friends that small (that live around me, anyway). And the people at the gym that are trainers are kind of intimidating in my opinion. You'll do it, just keep on working at it!
from carallyne :
you're
from carallyne :
thats crazy michelle... you do have the worst luck with cars, but it seems like you have a guardian angel over you. glad to hear your okay!
from blogblah :
Chalice is being sent away by her parents (she's adopted, I guess you remember/know that) and I don't know anything about the place, it doesn't have a website, I don't know the treatment goal. Her parents are just sick to death of the way she acts and they need to get her better before she gets any older because she'll really be out of control then. She's 9. Hopefully it isn't too late for her. As far as the quads go, they're the family I work for through the autism society. Actually, only two of them. There are three girls and one boy, the one boy is autistic and one of the girls is as well. So I get to be around quads all the time, it is a lot of fun! I babysit them occasionally, but mostly just work with Phillip and Elizabeth. And um... yeah, that's it. I'll let ya know how babysitting triplets is, lol, bye!
from carallyne :
rape them with your mind
from carallyne :
lol ur paragraph about J&E and "r.t.w.y.m." cracks me up!!
from carallyne :
i'm an idiot, i looked for edit users notes for like 10 minutes before i realized you meant edit your notes settings. anyway, i think it's deleted now. ciao.
from carallyne :
marriane (sp?) and nate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who would have thunk it?
from blogblah :
Michelle, yes, on most days I love it. Especially since the two I work with are so much fun lately. There are some days I hate it but you know, I'm sure you can relate. I'd be so nervous to have you shadow me! I'm always nervous when other therapists watch me work. I'd be interested to see you work too since everyone has a different style. Who knows, maybe some day!
from blogblah :
Michelle I'm so sorry to hear about your accident. It's amazing that you can think of others in the situation you were in, I would never have thought of God's plan to save the little girl's life. You are truly a beautiful person and I hope your days get easier very soon!
from carallyne :
i stop and ask for directions all the time when i'm lost. or i call my dad cuz he can get my home from just about anywhere. but i was too embarressed cuz i was crying so hard i didn't want to see or talk to anyone. *shrug*
from carallyne :
i just read ur facts about bp, and i agree with everything you have written... obviously i am not in the position to disagree with your professor who is clearly more educated about the topic, but i'm just saying that it jives with my own personal experiences/observations/readings, and understanding of the subject. interesting.
from carallyne :
lol of course L & M don't talk, but L talks to another friend (L) who happens to be in touch with J, who is in touch with M. so that's how he knows. did you hear about it before? i thought maybe you knew thru R and didn't want to tell me, which, if it were the case, i wouldn't mind at all, cuz i kind of wish L didn't tell me in the first place. i'm not sure i wanna know.
from carallyne :
why are they so against the internet? it can be used for good, or bad, or indifferent, just like anything else in life.
from carallyne :
tentative names, but yes
from carallyne :
relax. breathe. sleep. do something fun. laugh. smile. forget.
from carallyne :
will u still talk 2 me?
from sheaabijah :
wow, that is so intense and hard...what a holiday gift for your family THAT is...at least he's home for a little while so you don't have to worry as much for this month...
from carallyne :
don't think too much. that's what he tells me. but how do i turn off my brain, michelle? i feel all of these things so strongly.
from sheaabijah :
i remember sarah...skunk hair ;-)...i admire so much that you try to always keep on giving people chances and try to make friendships even where it seems like it would be hard to have one...it inspires me.
from spunkyhottie :
Hey so like you sound really cool can i have your password?!Chey~
from blogblah :
how in the world did you get a plane ticket for $30 and i thought yesterday you said it was too late? i'm confused!
from stardrips :
hmm, alot of me doesn't really care either way either...and i do see laura's point about government getting into it...i don't know what the answer/outcome should be.
from sheaabijah :
i don't know what i believe either. i think i'm tenatively for gay marriage being allowed for the same reasons as laura ~ i see it as a civil right and not something government should try to regulate. but i also somewhat see the point of more fundamentalist christians than i who think that it will be a slippery slope that will lead to the disintegration of family values...i don't know though. i kind of somewhat feel like i don't care in a way, even though that's prolly bad...but like i feel like since i'm not passionte either way, it's not my battle to fight, and i will prolly be ok with whatever ends up happening with the law aspect of it. i dunno. the gay thing is confusing for me.
from carallyne :
i support gay marriage and gay adoption (whole other issue). for me, whether or not i believe homosexuality is moral or not is not the issue. i support it because i don't think government should intervene to make moral judgments in cases where no one is getting hurt. of course, a lot of people will argue that if we allow homosexual marriages then we'll end up allowing sexual relationships between adults and children, but i think that's too much of a stretch. the rights of children should always be protected, because they don't have the capacity to make sound decisions. i don't believe that homosexual preference is a choice, and while the decision to engage in a homosexual relationship is a choice, it's done so by two consenting adults. and i'm not entirely sure that my religious or moral beliefs should determine or interfere with the rights of others. but i'm open to other thoughts as well.
from stardrips :
i guess i didn't respond too much in my reply email to the topic at hand :) i know what i believe but i don't know how that gets played out in real life. i don't really have any gay people in my life. i definitely don't agree with shunning people in any degree, but i don't agree with homosexuality cause it's blatantly wrong in the bible and i don't think they should get married. so, if i had a friend who was gay and i had to love them yet support the truth, i don't know what that would look like....i'm glad i don't have to figure it out right now...not that i'd not be someone's friend just so i don't have to figure it out.....and you won't see me in any picket line for either gay rights or for hating them, etc....
from stardrips :
what's your password again? 11/26
from stardrips :
read elisabeth elliot's "passion and purity"...you'd be glad you did :) it's really good and enlightening and freeing.
from sheaabijah :
sorry if my last comment offended you :-(...just trying to be silly. hey, which websites do you use when you look up travel fares for flights? i just went to expedia.com but it didn't seem that cheap to me, although maybe it's just 'cause it's around the holiday season?
from carallyne :
good idea... i had a sneaking suspicion that people were reading ur journal that shouldn't be. maybe i'm nutz, but better safe than sorry.
from carallyne :
hmm michelley i want to know what you guys did (:-O)>---<
from sheaabijah :
awww, he sounds so great!!!! i can't wait to hear how it goes. i guess it's good to be cautious, but since you've already met him and he seems nice (not that that's not what people have said before getting axed by serial killers i guess...), but what the hell! take a chance! :-)
from carallyne :
michelley... i have a funny feeling u might want to change ur diaryland password as well... but maybe i'm just being overly paranoid.
from carallyne :
LOL i just read sabrina's joke about the wireless Internet.... crack me up!
from carallyne :
he is amazing... i feel like i'm already starting to fall in love. i need to slooooowww down.
from sheaabijah :
MARCUS!! :-)! i love him already! and i really love the name marcus, actually, i don't think it's weird at all. ooohhhh, so excited for you! AND REMEMBER, you are gorgeous! there's no reason he would be dissapointed with you!!!!!!!
from sheaabijah :
at least it wasn't a dream where 4 cars drove by trying to steal your wireless internet! :-))
from turnaround4u :
thanks sabriners! yeah, it has been almost a year...
from sheaabijah :
wow. i can't believe it's completely over...kinda shocking. it's been almost a year now, hasn't it? i'm so glad you went to church and it helped you...it was encouraging for me to read about. love you!
from sheaabijah :
yay!!! about your dad! i love how this has kind of happened twice now (except this time is way better ofcourse)....seems almost like he's not meant to leave this job for some reason. GOOD LUCK on your midterm! it seems so funny that you're doing midterms already, i guess 'cause i'm not in school right now. you are such a hard working machine, girl! you never took even a semester off of school! and, as the country song says, "that's something to be proud of."
from sheaabijah :
i'm so jealous you two (well, three) are getting together!!! :-)
from sheaabijah :
SHE�S A PERSON--NOT A PACKAGE! This is not build-a-bear.<<<<i think that is a really profound statement! so wise.
from stardrips :
well, sooner or later he'll get over the ridiculousness of that list, god will work in his heart, and he'll wake up and realize that he's already in love with you and that you two already have a good foundation/friendship. :P
from stardrips :
why do you think he'll never like you? you should give him a chance...i'm sure he won't pounce on you if you're taken. from what i hear from your entries, it sounds like he's a possibility. try it out. you already know it won't work with raymond. don't return to that hole of a relationship. i want you to have a boyfriend you'll can't wait to come over to your house to just cuddle and watch a movie with you or stare into your eyes as you talk and laugh and be your cute self! i can hear your laugh :)
from sheaabijah :
oh my lord i miss that boy...ahhhhh.
from sheaabijah :
wow. jeremy...wow.
from stardrips :
i know you love her, but i don't like your sister. :P is that really mean of me to say?
from sheaabijah :
oh michelle, (((hugs))). i'm praying for your heart to be mended.
from sheaabijah :
i think ultimately he's proven to you that he's not the right person for you to have a relationship with :-(. i'm sorry this hurts so much. i'm sorry you feel discouraged about your dream and purpose b/c of this, but i know god is longing to restore and renew them, b/c what he made you for is bigger than the discouraged feelings the world tries to distract you with.
from sheaabijah :
(((hugs))) i love you.
from blogblah :
Hey, I think your goal is awesome and you're already so far into it, good job! I don't really have a goal, I don't like diets. I just want to stop eating crap so much and lose some weight so I'll feel better. I too am heavier than ever before. I guess 25-30 pounds sounds good. Anyway, I'll pray for you and Raymond as well, I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you as you wanted. Thanks for all the prayers too! Just remember, God has a plan for you two. Just pray that His will be done, even though that's hard. Good luck with everything. Melissa
from blogblah :
Michelle, good job on losing the 14 pounds! That's awesome!! I'm inspired =) What's your total weightloss goal? Keep up the good work girly, I'm sure you're beautiful.
from stardrips :
are you living on campus?
from stardrips :
just do it!
from carallyne :
actually screw the www. just put "http://myhsdiary.diaryland.com"... that should work...
from carallyne :
what's the link for what? my high school diary? i said it is "myhsdiary" so i guess the link is "www.myhsdiary.diaryland.com" or something to that effect.
from sheaabijah :
it's normal to get bumps with tetanus shots. but that is really really really gross about opening it with her mouth ~ she should so know better! hey, how did you find out about marcy and bobberly?
from sheaabijah :
ew! :-(( how'd you find out?
from stardrips :
stephanie stephanie? in africa?
from sheaabijah :
also ditto......AND....i laughed so hard when you said "holy hell"!! i can't imagine hearing you say that, so it really cracked me up! :-)
from stardrips :
ditto to laura
from carallyne :
oh and as far as the selfish thing. you aren't being selfish... you are being true to yourself! the only person you really have control over in this lifetime is yourself so you better take damn good care of yourself. if you were to be with someone just for THEIR sake then i'd worry about you. but sometimes, and within reason, you really do need to put yourself first. this is your life! do not settle.
from stardrips :
ahh, michelle..i repeat myself..."oh, dear, michelle, i don't say this without any heart cause i know it's hard, but, i think you would be better off..."....way better off....way way way better off with someone else. you are thinking very clearly in that post. as much as i want a fairytale for myself and everyone, i can say without a doubt that it wouldn't be so with him. just look at how different you said you two are. being "married" suddenly doesn't make things ok. you'll just be stuck then. and it'll get worse. please, please, please, hear my heart. i only say this cause i care about you - not cause i have something against raymond (obviously)...like you said brandon said, "how many red flags do you need?"
from carallyne :
i trust that R is a great guy and that you two work well together. i hate to sway you one way or another, because it's important that you make up your mind on your own. it looks like you are really doing that now and i'm proud of you. i do agree that you two have completely different goals in life. there are just too many doubts. as long as you are happy (with him) i am happy for you, but it doesn't seem like you are, so i want you to do what's best for yourself and if taht means having that conversation, i want you to have it. i think everything you said sounded good, except the, "i'll drop everything for you" part if he comes here. it sounds a bit drastic. anyway, i wouldn't feel bad about getting your feelings out. i can understand why you might feel "unfaithful" to him, but you need to go with your heart, figure things out, and express yourself. i think you're doing the right thing,
from sheaabijah :
this must be such a hard thing to go through :-(((
from sheaabijah :
any updates yet?
from sheaabijah :
oh michelle my belle!! :-( i'm praying for you and your family.
from stardrips :
*don't know what to say. love you, michelle. (8/2/05)
from stardrips :
*thinking of you (8/1/05)
from stardrips :
i think you should do it
from stardrips :
oh, dear, michelle, i don't say this without any heart cause i know it's hard, but, i think you would be better off without all this junk that raymond brings into your life. i will be praying for you.
from carallyne :
:-)... is it a cookout? I can bring some veggie burgers and dogs I have in my freezer so ya'll don't have to get anything special, ya know? I really hope that the car thing works out, and also that Mark will come. I have never driven that far, and I don't mind it, but it would be nice to have the company.
from sheaabijah :
oh michelle! that was such a nice email! your relationship with your dad made me think of this song by reba mcentire (the first two verses especially) The greatest man I never knew Lived just down the hall And everyday we said hello But never touched at all He was in his paper I was in my room How was I to know he thought I hung the moon The greatest man I never knew Came home late every night He never had too much to say Too much was on his mind I never really knew him And now it seems so sad Everything he gave to us took all he had Then the days turned into years And the memories to black and white He grew cold like an old winter wind Blowing across my life The greatest words I never heard I guess I�ll never hear The man I thought could never die S�been dead almost a year He was good at business But there was business left to do He never said he loved me Guess he thought I knew
from stardrips :
that's so sweet...that your dad even wrote you an email. not that i know your dad. but, i just think that is beautiful and it makes me feel god's love a little more :) love you
from sheaabijah :
glad to hear the updates! :-)
from carallyne :
i truly wasn't sick of it. but then i got depressed sunday.... so it changed
from sheaabijah :
awww, i'm sorry your florida trip didn't rock like you had hoped! :-( also, i'll be praying for you on monday! hope you LOVE your new job!
from carallyne :
I agree with Becca... I decided to ask for $30,000. The only reason my mom's friends said $40,000 is because apparently two of them graduated with B.S. degrees a million years ago (in truth, I don't know when... but many years back), and they started at $30,000... So since money (expenses and salaries, etc) are always increasing with the economy, they assumed a recent college grad with a B.S. these days would start at considerably more than they did. That would be nice, but unrealistic. I think both of them went into nursing, and unfortunately salary rates for counselors tend to be on the low-end. Soo yea... I kept my appointment for tomorrow, and I left a message on the woman's machine that said she caught me off guard when she asked me about a salary, and since then I have done more proper research on what my salary should be. I said I wanted to go on the interview and learn more about the job before I committed to any type of salary. What an idiot! I feel so dumb. But oh well.
from carallyne :
as for moving into an apt. with you... i think that would be cool. and it would def. make me less lonely. but... i don't wanna have to pay rent anywhere since i wanna save up money. so that wouldn't really work. thanks for askin tho!
from carallyne :
thats stupid. i want 30,000 a year. maybe i ought to keep looking until i find a place that pays that much. well i have an interview at a place that starts at that. but why do i do about this other interview? i already told her i only want 10 an hour so now i feel ridiculous going in and being like yea... i want at least 15... who does that? i don't even want to go anymore. especially cuz mark is feeling sick again and he asked me to go with him to the doctor then. what to do... what to do...
from sheaabijah :
brandon....hmmmmm....you never know! did you ever hear back from bob?
from sheaabijah :
michelle~my~belle!!! i'm so sorry i didn't get to see you after graduation!!! my family and i went to the cafeteria (i didn't know they would want to), and then i looked and looked for you guys, but i could't find you! i caught up with laura and steph in the dorms later on, but you had already left. sorry! but it was great, wasn't it! we're graduated!
from carallyne :
you are offended that he might be settling for you, but you are settling for him, are you not? just a thought.
from sheaabijah :
i like that verse a lot too.
from stardrips :
michelle, i need to hear about your trip
from stardrips :
ahh, michelle, good luck and god bless you crazily. love you
from stardrips :
michelle, i need to talk to you soon
from stardrips :
sounds good, michelle :) he's winning me over (for you)
from stardrips :
what has he lied about? he doesn't call? this doesn't sound like the raymond who called your mom...sorry, dear. i hope it works out
from carallyne :
hmm it sounded like he was really trying when he made all of those plans for you guys in jamaica. and he is spending a lot of money on it. why does it seem like he isn't trying now?
from stardrips :
r u staying in the same hotel room as raymond? the same bed? the same pajamas? sorry, got carried away. just wondering :) love ya
from stardrips :
did you go skating with bob, bob? :)
from carallyne :
i don't understand.. why would she have resentment toward you? i think she's pretty indifferent, since she hardly knows you.
from carallyne :
hey michelle.. honestly i was only able to read some of those many frustrations, because i have to get up in 4 hours and i wanna get to sleep.. but i am really sorry that all of that is bothering you. you are pretty easy to rea.. even when you try and hide something, you are so expressive in your own way that it's easy to see that something is bothering you. that's why when i came into your room, i could tell within the first 2 seconds that something was wrong, but you just get defensive and say "no everything is fine"... like you get annoyed at me asking. and then i dunno what to do. i don't blame you for it, cuz i know it's normal to get defensive and not want to talk about things, but i kinda wish you would just say that, "like yea, something is bothering me, but i don't want to get into it now".. i know i say things like that all the time. but anyway, that's besides the point, because you did open up to me and i am so glad that you were able to tell me what was really on your mind. i understand all of your frustration and disappointment with not being able to talk to raymond after you had been looking forward to it all day. i understand how annoying it must be to have so much stuff to talk to someone about that you feel like you could talk for hours, but then you can only talk for 10 minutes at a time and you keep getting cut off when important subjects come up. and i understand that it must be hard to have feelings for someone so far away, when most people don't understand and just make fun of you for it, or discourage you from exploring your feelings, when it's your life to do so. and i understand that it must be hard not even knowing where things will be going because you don't know wether he will even come to live in america or not. things are going to be okay michelle. i'm sorry if me saying "i understand" about all of those things is annoying.. cuz sometimes when people say they understand so much it can make the other person feel like, "yea.. right. you can sort of understand, but you're not in my shoes, so don't pretend you know how it is..".. so honestly, i can't know how it is exactly, but as much as i can understand i do. and i'm sorry that things are hard for you right now. i'll definitely pray for you and for all that you are going through right now. it's awesome that you are putting it all in God's hands, and He is a faithful God, so i'm sure He is taking care of your right now. k.. so if you ever wanna vent, seriously, i'm here for you. i don't mind hearing you talk about things you are going through. i want to be a supportive friend. i was kind of surprised in your last diary entry, because you were talking about how no one even took you seriously when you wante dto go to Jamaica, except Mark and Jay helped you decide it was okay.. but i thought i had been supportive of you also. i'm sorry if i wasn't. i mean, i want to be. obviously if i felt it was risky i wouldn't be like yea, sure, go ahead, do it. i'd like to think i care about your well-being just as much as your other friends who didn't want you to go.. but the truth is that i know the situation better than they do. i know mark and jay and i have been to jamaica, and i trust the situation. i want you to go and have a fun time. like you said, you need to try and put as little pressure on the trip as possible. you're gonna chill, have a good time, get to talk to raymond for as long as you want without any "white noise"... and in the end, if something works, that's great. but if it doesn't, at least you got a really cool friendship and vacation out of it. ya know? so sorry i ranted about all of this stuff. i dont even know if you really wanna hear it. but i wanted to let you know that i care about you, i support you, and i am here for ya.. ok? "tomorrow.. tomorrow, is only a day away."
from stardrips :
wow, i hope it all works out for you :)
from carallyne :
aww how cute... i got butterflies just thinking about u and raymond. that's so cute. i hope he gets to come also! and i hope he visits eastern... with mark.. and maybe jay also. we'd have a good time. ya know, take em country line dancing or something, haha. but seriously, i hope things work out, and i am glad u r excited about it =)
from carallyne :
aww, i am glad that you could connect with my journal entry. i like to know that i am not the only one who really cares about that kind of stuff (i know that i am not, but sometimes it's hard to find other people who see things like i do). i have always hated that show, but everyone i have talked to about it loves it, and i could never understand that. apparently it's supposed to be funny because jessica is stupid and whiny. but i don't see the humor in it at all. i think it's extraordinarily pathetic and dumb, but that's just me. anyway, i can't wait to see you on monday! it should be... interesting. don't be nervous! i'm sure it'll be fine. laterz.
from carallyne :
swell* christmas
from carallyne :
that's really awesome that you love the job that much. it sounds pretty typical of all the units i've been on, .. i know that people will cut with any little thing they can find, including their own finger nails if nothing else.. but i was kind of surprised that so many people were able to cut on the unit and then go to their rooms. where i have been we weren't really allowed in our rooms except to sleep (certain hours during the night) and to shower. and those who were at most risk for cutting usually had to sit in the main room with everyone, and have an aid sitting with them to watch their every move.. and of course there were ways to get around it, but i'm sure the people who did cut were extremely private about it, because it would just land them more time in the hospital which was the last thing they wanted. what i didn't understand much though was how everyone all seemed to want to leave so badly, but they were so depressed, what was there to live for on the other side of those walls anyway? ahh.. sorry i am blabbing. but, i just think it's kinda neat that i can relate to your experience. i have known for so long that i would LOVE to work some place like that too. there is always something new going on, never boring. are there any d...(sp?) centers in my area? i'd like to look into it for after i graduate if there is. ttyl.. call me sometime! hope you had a sell christmas =)
from sheaabijah :
i'm so glad you love it! i hope when i get a job i will love it as much as you love this one! :-)
from sheaabijah :
oh michella bella, how your heart must ache at this. i haven't been through it so i don't understand like that, but i think i do understand a little...it must be so sad to see any little bit of hope you might have held get squashed. i love you and miss you and you are in my prayers!!!
from stardrips :
i'm sorry, michelle. i can kinda guess how you're feeling. my heart is with you.
from stardrips :
what happened to dr. tyson's daughter-in-law? was it sudden? that's sad
from stardrips :
thank you so much michelley for thinking of me during my birthday time. you made my day. love you, rach
from carallyne :
you remind me of... hmm.. how do i say this? like a very young, naive, idealistic go-get-em kid right outa college. which is good, i'm excited for you..i'm not trying to criticize your optimism-- i just think it's cute and i think this will be a great learning experience for you.
from sheaabijah :
Oh, Michelle ~ GOOD JOB!!! :-DDD
from sheaabijah :
hey ~ great new skin! ;-P
from carallyne :
disastrous -- excuse me
from carallyne :
that was a disasterous conversation
from carallyne :
honestly michelle i always have wondered that about you. you don't seem like a "j" at all. i mean, i know you really envy people who are, and really want to be one yourself, but i dunno... i just don't know.. are you sure you answered the questions honestly?
from carallyne :
hey michelley. i think your sentiments ring true for all of us around this time of year. school sucks, plain and simple. graduation can't come soon enough, i know. i am really sorry to hear about your grade in history and systems. as i was telling you when i was proofreading it, i could only really help you out with sentence structure and grammar. i knew at the time that you were missing some key pieces in your attempt to grasp the material, but it had been so long since i read the article that i didn't really know how to help you out. you're right, there probably are no students that can really help you to understand what she wants in her papers, since she has fairly complex expectations. i agree with sabrina that your best bet is probably just to talk to her yourself. i know it may seem like she doesn't care, but perhaps it is worth a try anyway? at least that way she knows that you are doing your best, but that you are just having difficulty with the material. i honestly think that she might give you some grace if you explain that you aren't just trying to blow the class off, but that you need some help in knowing what she wants from you. she's a scary person, i know, trust me. i have to confront monica this week... it's not a fun thing! but we have to learn to stick up for ourselves and get the most out of every situation. and if you can help it, don't beat up on yourself for this one stupid class, okay? life is so much bigger than that, and you have so much more to offer. now just remind me of this every time i have a breakdown! hehe, take care.
from sheaabijah :
oh, michelle, i *TOTALLY* know how you feel about H&S. it is the worst class in this major, i think. i really think you should go to van leeuwen though and ask her to at least give you constructive criticism on how your D+ paper could have been better, so you won't be so in the dark. I KNOW ~ I HATED that she never wrote constructive comments on the papers!! ((((HUGS))))
from carallyne :
awwww raymond. let us go to jamaica and meet him.
from stardrips :
good thing there's teacher evalutations...but who knows if they do any good.
from stardrips :
you go, girl!
from mathero :
I'm promoting my diary because I'm bored as hell tonight! =)
from stardrips :
i saw that! (the price is right and ruby) :)
from stardrips :
that's a song. i think by maroon 5
from stardrips :
i'm so glad i can leave you notes now...thanks :)
from carallyne :
You have some good questions about prayer. I hope you don't mind I just want to say a couple of things. I know that it's difficult to understand what role our prayers can play in shaping the events of a world that God is ultimately in control of. However, if He asks us to pray it is because prayer does have a purpose. Obviously not all prayers will be answered the way we want them to. Not all people will be healed, not all stories will end hapilly ever after- but God DOES take our prayers into consideration. Prayer can and DOES change lives. Yet, saying the words without holding any meaning or faith behind them is pointless. Pray that God helps you to overcome the cynisism in your spiritual life so that you can come to before Him in greater faith that He will send blessings upon your prayers. I will pray for this also. It also struck me when you said prayer seems selfish. On the one hand, I suppose we can use prayer for selfish ends. Yet, prayer, in its ultimate, most complete and righteous form should be one of the most selfLESS acts that we ever engage in. Think about that. In fact, it is much more selfish to go along with our every day lives without even taking the time to acknowledge God.. (Don't worry- I'm not trying to condemn you. I have the same problem too!) Yes- sometimes our prayers are for our own well-being, or for the well-being of others. There is nothing wrong with those things first of all. Dr. Hall taught us that the highest form of love is "love for self for God's sake". God wants us to love ourselves, and conform ourselves into His image in order that we may be servants of His kingdom. And how, without prayer, can we do this? Certainly we can't. But prayer is a lot more than that. It is also coming before Him humbly to ask for forgiveness. It is thanking, praising, and rejoicing with God and His wonderful works. Can you think of anything much more selfLESS than that? Hope you don't mind that I went off about that. Sometimes I feel like you don't want to hear my opinion b/c I can be very opinionated and it might come off like I think I know-it-all or like I have an "I'm right, you're wrong" mentality, which, frankly, I sort of do have when it comes to many of the things I feel strongly about. That is sort of the nature of feeling strongly about anything I suppose. In any case, I apologize if it comes out offensively. Love ya! Take care chica.
from carallyne :
heyy. thanks for the note. i think you had some good advice. i don't agree with the cheating thing, but i don't blame you for thinking of that because when someone is acting a little funny and not being completely open then it's easy to think the thing he is hiding is another girl. but, being closer to the situation, i am certain that is not the case. the more i have been talking to him, it seems that he couldn't come on friday is because he doesn't have much money now. he is giving pretty much his whole pay check to fly his sister from jamaica to visit, so he isn't left with much. but my guess is that he found out jay could drive him to my house so he wouldn't have to take the train. and when he was about 15 minutes from my house he called to tell me he was on his way... and saturday night he wasn't gone for very long at all. and i could tell why he would want to leave. after we hooked up things got weird and uncomfortable between us because we had wanted to stop so much. and his way of dealing with stressful situations is to walk away and get some time alone. i know it sounds like i am making excuses for him, but i just wanted to let you know how i see it. we have our issues, but i don't think that is one of them. but as far as the other stuff you said goes, i think you're right. i should wait it out a while, be patient with him, and see how much he starts to open up with me. it's too early to tell where things will go now. i'm just wary is all. heh. well i am going to call you tonight cuz i saw you called my cell...so ttys!
from carallyne :
oh gosh... i know exactly how you feel. well maybe not exactly but i have a good idea. it was the same way with tony. i loved him... i cared about about him... i had so much fun with him... but he had problems and it too me forever to understand that we could never be together. because when you are having a good time with him you want to believe so badly that it could actually work that you are willing to try against your better judgment. it's a crazy cycle, because you keep going back and getting hurt over again. but it doesn't have to be like that obviously. from what i can tell, john doesn't seem like a bad guy really. just a lot of issues he needs to work through. i'll keep him in my prayers also.
from carallyne :
hey girl. haven't talked to you in so long! i miss you. i don't want you to have to worry about me and this situation w/ mark. it was def. going in a bad direction. but now that i got things out on the table i think things are going to be fine. yea and i don't know what the deal is with these guys liking me. it's so strange!! i am not used to it all so it's kinda catching me off guard. i wish i could have my selection of my top guy like you said though cuz i would probably choose james or someone like him. anyway guess tha's all for now. glad you had fun at the picnic and your car insurance went down :). $800 is due in what time period? i know nothing about these things. but it seems like too much for a month so i am guessing a year. i dunno. and it's okay if you were a lil dramatic about the whole basketball thing. haha i am dramatic about things too so i understand. and you shouldn't apologize. it is your journal! rant all you want! get those feelings out, it's good for you. call me soon if you get a chance. i miss talking to you. you wanna come down for my birthday?? i think we're gonna go out the friday after the 20th. could you make it? love you! bye.
from carallyne :
Heyyyy Michellllelelelelelele. I just read that looooooooong entry. Some of it I already knew, but a lot of it was new stuff cuz we haven't talked a lot these last few days. I am not even sure how to respond because there is so much there. First of all, have fun with kyle tonight! Yea, it doesn't seem like the best of situations but hopefully ya'll can just make the best out of it and get along a little better than you do on the phone. Also, try not to worry about brad. You're right--he DID ask. And it's not like you have been leading him on... you have told him a hundred times that you aren't interested in anything with him and he just won't let go. It's a sucky situation, but there is not a whole lot you can do about it. You have to continue to live your life, not second guess yourself so much, and realize that you can't cater to all his needs. love ya! and talk to you soon. -laura

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