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I wanted to thank you for your note. It helped me feel better. I often forget that college is just a rollercoaster ride...but that the ground and sky and the rest of the really beautiful world stays the same even if the perspective changes. I've started telling people that my life is really good outside of school. It's helping me keep it in perspective. I'm about to kill my perfect GPA...gah. But spring is here, and the tree out my window is budding beautiful new leaves. <3

from fightn4life :

Well I see I already asked for your pass word. Maybe I just didn't get it because it got caught up in spam. Could you send it again? Try this one... [email protected] Put "pass word" or "key" in the subject line. :) Thanks, Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Hi...I would love to continue reading your diary...my e-mail is [email protected] Could you send me the key to your diary? Miss reading your words, Sandyz

from fightn4life :

OMG! you are so beautiful! I understand the thoughts you are having...it is normal. It is hard not to keep looking at his site knowing he might be doing the same on yours. Oh...I wish I had answers or a quick fix for you. My words would be meaning less I got an F "on letting" go. :) I'd say follow your heart...but that got me in trouble, I'd say follow your head, but that broke my heart. Just allow (if you can) the future to unfold one day at a time some how our yesterdays appear useless in the grand scheme of time. What we do today that makes us happy is important. :)

from fightn4life :

It takes a very long time for the heart to heal, sometimes it doesn't and we learn to live again in spite of the sadness we often feel with loss. There are times I find myself crying over my first marriage, I often wish it would have worked out. I always wanted to have one husband and grow old together...that was all a dream. Don't be so hard on your self...you will learn to except these difficult days and move forward. You have such a gentle soul...some day you will meet someone that will captivate you once again. My heart is with you, Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I think once you connect with someone no matter how bad it ends we some how find the lighter side and in time the pain leaves and what remains is the good times we shared. It is good for the heart but doesn�t help when we know it is over�you may always miss him but in a way that is a good thing. So much better than living with hate or hurt in your heart. I understand you not wanting to go to a Christmas party just yet. It takes time to heal. My thoughts are with you, Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I understand what you wrote about...it could be one of my entries. My heart goes out to you. Don't give up on you...you will stand again and some how you will be stronger because of it. DOn't count the times you land on your face...count the times you stand again and keep moving forward. {{HUGS}} Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Who ever said it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all�was a liar. Time does help with a break up and it sounds like a �nice� breakup. No one got hurt�bodily. So it�s a new day and a new beginning for you�at least some of your times together have some good memories attached. It is good some times to recall the good times�it makes it easier to endure the most difficult feelings off loss. My heart and thoughts will be with you as you move forward�you have dreams to live, and new memories to make, Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I am praying you have the time of your life�don�t forget to up-date. Fingers and toes crossed. Have a blast! Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I am praying you have the time of your life�don�t forget to up-date. Fingers and toes crossed. Have a blast! Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I pray God hears your pleas and keeps this relationship going. My prayers, thoughts and prayers are all with you. Your entry brought tears to my eyes�I could feel your pleas�I hope so much good will come from this. Hang on and try your best to have faith. Big {{{{HUG}}}Sandyz

from fightn4life :

i love a happy ending. I am thrilled for your friend that got married. Now it is your turn for your dreams to come true. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Congratulations on your scores! :) I and sending wonderful positive thoughts that every thing will work out for you. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

One of the most difficult things to do is be with some one that hasn't found closure in a past relationship. I would not dare "telling" you what I felt you should do because only you know your own heart. I know from my past mistakes and I have had more than my fair share...nothing good ever became of a relationship when one or the other was reeling from a hurtful break up. There is a process one goes through and most want the comfort of someone...any one when they are in heartfelt pain. My prayers are with you and I hope everything turns out how you wish it. Guard your heart...Sandyz

from fightn4life :

My heart is with you...I am so glad you are not having to deal with death. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Sorry you had such a tough day...feeling like losing the one person we can communicate with is sad. I hope things will smooth over...hey...at least you got an A. Smile, Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Sometimes I feel after a few "bad relationships" we want to feel in control so we will not once again have the rug of life snatched from beneath or feet. Falling is easy...getting back up is most difficult. Some times I feel I should sit through life...that way I will not be knocked back down. Just my thoughts. I pray you will not be hurt again...you deserve much happiness, Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I LOVED your entry, "To Snob" something like that. (Lord my memory is going) You wrote so much of what I feel as I read some other diaries...then like you I can sometimes recall a time I felt the same way. My life was the only one that was a train wreak. Also loved what you wrote about the Bible...so very true. It was tainted by man...and should not be taken out of context. Some people read a part and preach just that. Anyway I could go on for hours but this is you diary. I loved that entry. Sandyz

from goodluckgold :

Hey I like your diary, it is too awesome!

from fightn4life :

Enjoy your time off...and Congratulations completing your first semester of grad school! Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I always find my way back to your diary and catch up. What awesome news...you are a great match maker. Don't feel like an outsider...just say, "great and when are we doing this" Secret Santa. :) And as you said any thing is possible. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Wow! 13 miles and I thought me walking five miles was good. You should be proud of yourself...how awesome. I am glad he thanked you for helping him complete the run, I would have wanted to bop him in the head if he hadn't. :) And him saying..."love you." I know that made you smile inside. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Your classes sound fascinating...I love to analyze things. I think my dislike of me being called "Sandra" instead of Sandy is because of the tone of voice my mom had when I was a kid..."SANDRA" when I was breaking "rules"...which I believe was every other heart beat. :) Sandy is fine with me it reminds me of the beach which I love. I was glad to read you are working things through with your boy friend...not confusing him with one that has hurt you. Just don't allow this one too much rope...I don't want you getting hurt once again. ;) Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Trust is a difficult thing to rebuild, it takes faith hand in hand. Your reactions was the fear of being hurt again, don't kick yourself for being human...Lord knows we all feel the sting of deceit. You do sound more at peace than from a month ago, I will go back through your writings and find out what brought you two back together. My heart is with you, Sandyz

from creaturesque :

I came across your diary today. I was wondering if I could add you to my buddylist? I like reading your diary, I have went through the last four or so entries you have written and I am interested in reading more about you. I understand what you mean in your last entry. I had to learn those things with my ex. -Renee

from fightn4life :

Your e-mails are so close to how I feel about the man I married, except the distance is over 1,000 miles. I can feel your strength and draw from it, I think my day will be a good one after reading this entry instead of a day pondering the what ifs. In my case I have come to feel that inner peace by deciding not to decide anything right now. I have an appointment with my back Dr next week and the start of treatment plans at the dentist July 10th. Seems I am moving forward, you too. Lets journey together. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I wish I could say with time it is easier, what time does is offer us the chance to look inward and see what we learned about life about us. Life is not fair, there is no understanding the whys we have no way of seeing the big picture. Our minds can not take it all in. When we feel we have lost emotional pain is often inconsolable it becomes a personal process each of us must go through. If we try and fast forward as I have done many times we may reach beyond the cliff without judging the distance. We don't know what the future holds we live it one day at a time. Stop blaming yourself, I did that and fought against my heart for months. Someone told me to embrace the pain as if you have never experienced it before as a new spirit would. Realize what an awesome past you walked even if just briefly in order to fall so hard. Pick out the good times with out sadness and feel as you were the lucky one, your memories can not be taken away. Don't look for something to fill the gap as I often do just try and be open for what lies in wait during this next journey. Be kind to yourself, spoil you allot, think wonderful things about you. Know that you are loved more than you can comprehend. What he did is his demon to live with, not yours. My heart is with you, Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Oh honey, I am so sorry...I know you hurt. Wish we lived closer and could just sit and talk...maybe cry a bit. And laugh. My heart is with you, time to heal. Give yourself time I know how difficult it is. NEVER forget you are a beautiful person. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Forget about those idiots that make fun of you, give the smoker 10 years and she will not be able to walk without losing her breath. If they know they can get to you it only feeds there warped minds. Hard as it sounds laugh with them...really just laugh at them, they will not notice the difference. You are not a loser. You have a tender soul, I think that is cool. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

At least you have set your priorities high and made hard decisions before you have any more time invested. I hope you find that peace you long for and get some much needed rest. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I just caught up with your world and I am so sorry things didn't work out. Made my heart hurt reading about the year you had together knowing it was over. I suppose it is best knowing now than finding out tears from now, you'll heal and one day move forward. (People keep telling me that and I almost believe it) I too hope you get excepted, and please know my thoughts are with you, Sandyz

from sundaygirl :

well hello! yeah, LA is definitely not for everyone. No regrets, though. it was worth it for the road trip alone! Thanks for writing.

from fightn4life :

I think you nailed it, too much time and energy is spent on wishing someone was more what we want them to be than us taking time to love the person for who they are. Those little irritating things that gnaw at us are the very things that attracted us to them when "love" was new. You have the right outlook, keep focused on all the wonderful things and stop digging for imperfections. I am thrilled you had a great weekend, and I wish you many more, Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I think life it self is work in progress�men mostly. LOL No lately I believe I am in progress of something besides work. Look at this relationship like a flower in bloom; it takes time to see the full beauty, but so worth the wait. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Once a place grows on you it is hard to leave, when/if you do the pull just gets stronger. I have been gone for 18 years and back for only a few months, still I feel at home, at peace. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Good Lord and I thought I had a bad day, sorry about you green card and the mix up. Soon you will get your notice�Welcome to America!!" Loved this entree it was sad but written with humor, when we can laugh about crap in our lives we stay out of the mental hospital or off the curb doing a chicken crazy dance. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

You are lucky! Hang on to that man. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

It is hard not to feel needy in a relationship, hard not to be clingy. After all that has happened between my husband and me some times I feel more at peace with him gone. Maybe it is because we try to fill a void with some one, instead of just liking to be with us. I am lonely at times but it seems I was more so when I tried to get him to be what I longed for. No one ever fulfills all our needs, I suppose that is where liking our own company comes in handy. I am working on that. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I am so glad you had the awesome date with your new guy, he seems to really like you...(More than allot.) I hope things stay great between the two of you, Lord knows you deserve someone you love and that makes you smile. Good to you too. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

People often attract even when there ways are miles apart in their ways, some times it works out other times, not. It's a gamble, life is a gamble. Right now I am not one to help with your choices. You need to keep the pace slow and easy, take your time and listen beyond your heart. You believe in God, "He" is not a car. LOL Sorry that line got to me. He is in tune to every living being, if during your silent times you will be guided. You're smart, the answers will come. For now, enjoy the loving feeling you get but be cautiously optimistic. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I do keep a mild concern for your fears; I had them too many years ago. I tossed caution to the wind�my story may not be like yours at all, just be careful giving your heart too quick. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

A new car! I am so excited for you. :) Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I think it is normal to be frightened starting a new relationship; my God you were hurt so badly before. It is normal you want to talk and know everything about him; your guard is up as it should be. If you can just let things happen, stop worrying about tomorrows, enjoy the good times and try not to wonder "what if�" I am not even sure I could follow my own advice, but I hope you at least consider it. Try to live each day with out fretting so much, what will be-will be. Lord knows we know that from the past. Many {{{hugs}}}, my thoughts are with you. sandyz

from fightn4life :

I am glad things just might work out�you sound happy, tired nut relieved. My thoughts are with you, Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Damn, I thought you had the right one, sorry. Men are difficult to figure out; they must say the same about us. I agree if he was totally into you it would bother him you exchanged numbers. But like you said..he might have been testing the waters. Wait and see. Ugh� Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I do understand why you locked up, I saw the same things on my "whose reading thing" weirdo's I think. I was getting some not so good notes and had to keep deleting them. Not worth it just so I could have a few more readers. It was too weird. Anyway, I think it is awesome you are learning about his culture, fascinating isn't it? Sounds like your unplanned evening went great, spontaneous situations sometimes are best times. We don't have time to live it in our minds before it happens and then if something doesn't worked out how we hoped, we get disappointed. Sorry about your dad, I am afraid when my husband goes to live with his daughter it will be similar to how your dad is. Except mine drinks himself stupid. I do hope he does not mess up his daughter's life; she is married and has a little girl. His drinking, not working, and not paying for anything might get old. But�it will no longer be my problem. Thank God. Take care, Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Falling in love after many hurts in the past is hard. Sometimes we need to cry just to help calm our fears. It seems like walking into unknown territory, stay strong, and understand your emotions will be all over the place for a while. After some time you may again feel free to trust you, trust him. It doesn't happen quickly, but in time it does. The fear is loss again and if that should happen some how you pick up the pieces and move forward. Life is like that one gamble after the other. That is why we try to make the most of each day when love is alive and making some awesome memories. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Did you get my user name and pass word? If not I must have you adress incorrect, mine is [email protected] Put user name-pass word in the subject line, it will get to me and I'll use "reply" :) I love rading your Diary, some times you sound like you are walking in my shoes. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Wow, this will be awesome waatching this unfold. I hope for all good and haapy endings. Sounds dorky huh? :) Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Life is difficult in matters of the heart; so much good comes from it so much sorrow. Living I believe is a learning ground, about others and us. Life is all about choice, rather we make the right move or not there is no guarantee the out come. My world as I know it is crumbling but I have 19 years of awesome memories in the mix, along with sadness. Had I in retrospect headed to the early red flags I might not be where I am today, but they say every step has a purpose. We cannot live in our thoughts what might be, it never turns out as we visualize. Some times things have a "happy" ending others we hurt later. You have already chosen to make your relationship a close one, no going back. You can't predict what might or might not happen. Stop beating up yourself and losing your self in a hell of self-doubt, the answers live only in tomorrows. Enjoy what you have and don't listen to those telling you what will happen, no one really knows. You have to live each day to allow the future to unveil itself. No amount of fear will change it; you may only drive a wedge in what you have written about that sounds like it might work out given time. Let your self-have a quiet mind, except your choices and live one day at a time. Don't get on the phone and voice your fears, this might make them real to both of you. Don't give him reason to add doubt give him space between your time together. Listen to your heart, your spirit and ask that your spirit be your guide. It is possible you may get hurt but from it, you will again learn about you. Don't think so far ahead as to how you will react to another man that may come in the future, leave those possibilities to experience if you find yourself alone again. I haven't a clue what I will do, how I'll act, or choices I'll make if in the future a new man enters my life. I'll try and recall any missteps I felt might have caused this heartache and listen closer to the early whispers in my own head that I might again be headed towards being an enabler. We live we learn, we may lose days wondering the what ifs�don't fall victim to what might be. You sound happy now, cling to those good times, if nothing more memories are born each moment. No one can take that away. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I think you are doing the right thing...follow you inner thoughts, not desires. All will work out says someone with a f**ked up life. :) I'll leave out "trust me" ;) Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I hate that "wait and see" thing. But like you my life too seems to be wait and see. Sigh... Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Oh�patience, I am not goods at that one. :) Hang in there. (Every one says that right??? ) Sandyz

from fightn4life :

E-mail me at [email protected] and I'll be happy to send user name, & password. I think I'll find me a futre teller and ask her for some good news. ;) Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I like that phyc woman, I want one. :) (Only good news news) Sandyz

from estelle3 :

Hi! I've been stumble upon ur diary for long time....I don't know. Ur diary is interesting, and sometimes remind me something in my life. I didn't check my message since I singed up here, just saw urs now )

from fightn4life :

How true some friendships last a lifetime others take off with the wind, I too have learned to cherish the friends that have stayed beside me even through distance no matter what was going on with my life. Others closed doors and turned their backs. Now all I recall by name are those that love unconditionally, those are our angels without wings. They are few but so worth the wait. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Love is weird isn't it. You are still in love with him right? ;) Take care Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Nice looking young man...don't hurt him too bad. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

It's not how we take those steps it is what we learn along the way. Don't beat yourself up...mothers know more about their childrens hearts than you think. Someday you will understand when a child is placed in your hands. The best thing you can do for your mom is a big hug and "thanks for being you." Sandyz

from take-two :

[03/27/07] Hey, thanks for the positive words and for reading. I am doing the best I can, but some times, I just wish the healing process was came a faster - and with a guarantee. Again, thanks for reading... I will be checking you out soon!

from fightn4life :

I suppose you can run but not hide but a time comes in our lives we must make the hard decisions and think about what is best for us. At times, we must sacrifice but other times we need to move on and find our little notch in the world. It isn't always an easy transition but one every one makes from school to the world that feels so barren and lonely in the beginning. Give yourself time, if you feel you should move to a smaller place but maybe a bit closer to family do it. Sounds like if you move back in with family you may lose yourself in the process an that would not be good for you. Try not to dwell (I know it is hard) but one day this time in your life will feel like someone else lived it. So much awesome things are just beyond your reach�don't fear the new life that is before you, embrace it. My prayers are with you, I too was once so confused and lonely when my steps were new. Sandyz

from cdghost :

enjoyed your words

from roklobster :

Hi! You read me. I wanna read you! Password?

from lifeasme66 :

Hiya! Just wanted to say thanks for visiting and adding me as a fave. I'd like to sneak a peak at your diary, if you don't mind... =) **HUGS!!**

from basal :

from candoor :

once we were the funda, now we babble... happy new year :)

from sexnthiscity :

Thank you for the note. I'm glad someone is reading my diary, and can relate to the weird world of relationship. <3

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