messages to wordwhore:
(click here to add new message):

from cocoabean :
Men. He wants you available to talk every day, but wants to give you nothing in return, and you should be happy about it. Yeah.
from whystinger :
It is the little things that are so big, plus this is really more freedom for me. I don't have to count and figure out how many of the supplies to take with me, don't have to worry if I forget.
from wordwhore :
dude, it makes total sense to me. it really is the little things that are so big.
from whystinger :
It is difficult to explain, seems so trivial and I am not really shy about it, but being able to go out with friends and pee without worrying about carrying catheters and all that entails is really freeing. I can't believe the joy I felt at being more like me.
from howlingwind :
I posted some thing but then changed my mind. More weirdness stuff. Difficult to explain. :-)
from whystinger :
I know that I could fall for several of my past loves. I could fall for Honi again if I didn't live through it. There are others in my heart that I would try again in a heartbeat, all for different reasons. There are a few that I would stay away from.
from howlingwind :
16 years yowza! I'll have to check when I started writing. I think I deleted a bunch of stuff at some point though. :-)
from whystinger :
Sometimes it is easy to fall for an old love again, especially when we mull it over in our heads. We tend to remember the good and want that back and sometimes want a chance at making the bad right. It does look like Andrew is back and evidently he is converting the site to fit mobile, which is good. Hopefully he fixes the bugs - they place was pretty good and viable early on and kept growing and growing. I have been here since December of 2002. Had some other things to tell, but those evaporated during the balance of today.
from howlingwind :
Congrats on the jobbie job. :-)
from whystinger :
You are so right, as usual... Hmmm, so the complement may have come a day early? Accept it, you deserve it.
from linguafranca :
Ok, that made me laugh. Sorry.
from whystinger :
Congratulations! I am happy for you.
from linguafranca :
Books to children's hospitals: maybe. I guess we'd have to see how much kids enjoy them vs. tear them apart instantly. A good idea, though, if they turn out like I want them to.
from howlingwind :
Sorry about the BIL. Living with a toxic person who creates a hostile environment, that is the worst. :-( Thinking happy thoughts for you.
from linguafranca :
Fleas! The worst! I had success at one time with making a strong pennyroyal salve and wiping it on my legs-- they'd jump on and jump off again and it smelled pretty good. Other than that, borax and lots of vacuuming.
from cocoabean :
Sounds like your BIL needs to stay in the house when you bug bomb it......
from linguafranca :
Thanks. No, I am aware of no such service. Services for autistic kids tend to be lots of therapy (not interested, our parenting is actually working pretty well despite what my venting here would suggest), classes. I keep meaning to reach out to the homeschool group and see if any of the teenagers would like to give it a try, maybe with an extended briefing first. There have been a couple who were very good with Q at park day, and could be even better with some specific warnings about their quirks, and some strategies. It just seems like a lot to ask from your average babysitter. I'm doing ok today. Made scones and everything.
from musikoid :
Sent an email and will send two more (one being a paste of a D-Land entry). I believe I did not read one of your emails carefully enough, and would like to re-reply.
from musikoid :
If you can accept a note right now, I saw that you were online, and just want to communicate that, although I got your email some weeks ago, I have been so scattered lately that I have not yet either read it or replied. I understand that this is completely unlike me. I just want to let you know that I am still on your side, and that you haven't offended me in the least. I am going to get to the email as soon as the smoke clears from this most recent explosion of nerves.
from cocoabean :
I agree, no reason for assault. There are other ways to handle situations, including walking away. FB? I try to avoid it..
from whystinger :
BIL sounds like a wanker. I have a a few things to say about the hugs and affection thing, but will wait for a while or send elsewhere. Shit, why not here? My aunt sold my Mom on "you don't hug boys or pick them up, when they cry (in the crib) ya gotta let them work it out themselves." While she has never really mentioned that to me, Mom has told my sister "don't EVER let anyone tell you not to hug or love on your kids... and told her the story. Evidently she regrets it. I remember being ill as a child in kindergarten and wanting some hugs or affection. Maybe I will give more thoughts on it, maybe not. I agree with you.
from cocoabean :
micro aggressive acts, or just totally passive-agressive. I would have to kill him lol.
from howlingwind :
Sorry chica. I'm trying to think of something that would actually be helpful to say. I've been watching Neale Donald Walsch videos on YouTube and those are making me feel better. Do not focus on what is. Focus on your vision. Don't worry about how you'll get there because that will just drive you nuts. If you want to send me an angry email and tell me to shove all my Pollyanna BS up my ass, that's okay. If it makes you feel better, I'm all for it. I hope things get better for you. :-)
from whystinger :
I wanted to leave something meaningful, but can't think of anything except to tell you that you are on my mind and in my prayers. I too, need to start walking, running and working out.
from whystinger :
I'd like to see the monkeys fly... Sorry, I couldn't resist. I wish things were going better for you.
from howlingwind :
Sorry woman for the bad times. :-(
from whystinger :
I really like this Doctor (Urologist) and have scheduled an appointment for a second opinion from another Doctor on the thyroid surgery. Good chance I may stick to the fist doctor, but can't really say that for sure.
from whystinger :
I guess I need to catch up and that will be difficult this week. Interesting about what you realized about O. You found the pattern familiar, possibly even comforting. Your mind also wanted to be able to fix this (if I'm explaining correctly). I reached that horrifying conclusion myself, when I realized that my relationship with my Mother was a lot like my marriage to Honi. Perhaps I need to mention that in Therapy. Hope all is well with you.
from cocoabean :
my ex had a weekend date planned before I even moved out. Men!
from howlingwind :
He's probably got a girlfriend or something. But get it done before she dumps him and makes it more dramatic. Is that insensitive? I'm not feeling very sentimental about these types of things lately. Life's too short.
from whystinger :
Oh, I am not bad like that woman's MIL. I can just be a bull in a china shop, but also my folks are probably more protective of my sister. The big thing I remember was how it HIT both of them HARD. Not being a parent nor having kids, that is something that I can't really have the understanding like my BIL can, as he went through it. Still being my bull-in-the-china shop self, I sure are hell would NOT laugh and clap.. I can't imagine what they went through, I sure can be empathize and be sensitive. A friend lost a child and while I don't know what he went through, I sure felt a lot of pain at his family's loss.
from linguafranca :
One of the families at the co-op had a third birthday party for their "angel baby", including inviting friends because, as the 8 year old put it, "what's a birthday party without friends?". They made him a card, too.
from whystinger :
I feel for your friend. An MIL who laughed and claps "because I know you are trying" is fucked up seriously. That MIL should be grieving, unless she is the type where everything has to be about her. My sis had a few miscarriages and I would be warned by my folks "she's had a miscarriage and don't be your usual oaf, be sensitive and be there if. Also, it hit Bro-in-Law HARD too. Each miscarriage hurt. I feel sorry for her having inlaws like that and pray I never get that bad.
from whystinger :
I do need to catch up. Relative to Doctors, I really loved my former Doc where I used to live. She was awesome and probably born to be a Doctor. She would listen and ask opinion and sometimes send me for a second opinion on her diagnosis.
from cocoabean :
try looking for jobs that you can do outside... landscaping, gardening.. they must be looking for summer help! And you won't be in an office.
from cocoabean :
Yeah, your own place would be great....
from howlingwind :
Happy belated birthday! I'm glad you enjoyed your road trip. :-)
from howlingwind :
I love tamarind candy. :-)
from musikoid :
I did get a bit of clarity, late last night. I'll email you after my current high anxiety subsides.
from musikoid :
I'll email you. Glad you finally got all your stuff. That must feel good - closure, nothing left hanging there.
from musikoid :
Agreed (both are important) - though they seem to come into conflict all too often. I have this weird theory that the parts of us that we really need to work on are the parts of us we're most reluctant to broach. It's kinda like -- "I knew I was bad, but not *this* bad" - it becomes too huge, and one tends to want to look the other way. IDK - maybe I'll send an email later, if things clarify. I hope you're well.
from musikoid :
I thought of you earlier today. I'm doing well - trying to come to terms with some ugly facts about myself, and at the same time move forward. I hope things are well with you...
from cocoabean :
Sounds like he never expected you would actually move out. Some people just can't accept the inevitable..
from cocoabean :
maybe BF is a little insecure since you don't see him that often...
from whystinger :
OMG! The job obsession chat! Honi would have that talk with me, but never take responsibility nor work towards another job. Another parallel. My vacay plans are now in a state of flux. My Mom is facing cancer surgery (again) and will be that weekend. I will keep you posted. I forgot all about mentioning the vacation to you as I heard about the surgery right after that. Not sure if I can volunteer at the event that I was going to. Now trying to see if I should go there for the surgery or if it would be better to go after she is home, in order to help then.
from howlingwind :
Sorry for the bad times blues. Sending happy vibes. :-)
from whystinger :
Re-reading old entries... that is always something. First time I left Honi, I felt terrible, really horrible. I was told it would be bad and then worse. I took my laptop to work and struggled though the morning until lunch. Went to a quiet place to eat and started reading my entries... It made me realize that I had made the right decision. Now, do tell about the hoovering? This may be interesting, or it could be difficult. Hope all is well. I have to be South of Atlanta for a volunteering gig March 23 & 24, then I am going to take a short vacation, maybe rent a car and drive to the North Georgia mountains. Thought of flying to Nashville, then fly home. Still deciding, but want some rest and relaxation of some sorts.
from musikoid :
Thanks for noting, and for your honesty.
from musikoid :
I've been back and have not changed my passwords. To drop out of the online support group here because I lost my temper makes no sense, because my temper is one of the things I must seek support for. I am also not a fundamentalist Christian and so it was mostly temper loss (and there might have been a mix-up in the order of notes, misleading me) - and less so the effect of me being sensitive in matters of faith. What I wrote in my Gratitude List 411 (No. 10) is what I actually believe about DiaryLand in my heart, when I'm not mad. I'm also of the Carl Jung camp, that we all have a "shadow self" and that when people start to lose it like I did, it's basically a reflection of their shadow and not to be taken as the True Self for which we all strive -- at least, those of us who care about such things do -- which I'm sure you and I both are. Finally, we go back how far? At least ten years according to my count. Let's not end what was becoming a fine friendship only because I was once again an asshole. I truly try not to be. So - I'm sorry. I think you're a great person - you know that -- and you have helped me a great deal. I hope we can once again be friends.
from whystinger :
Yes, there is relief, both figuratively and literally... The big thing is now I have more freedom. No bag of piss chained to me. Things are almost back to normal. I am glad that I sought out a second opinion and found a doctor that seems more suited and knowledgeable
from howlingwind :
Thanks. Yes I remember right before we got married I was thinking of calling the whole thing off. Meh. Yeah, after drinking coffee I would sometimes get sleepy. It's not that yummy without milk anyway.
from cocoabean :
Thanks!
from cocoabean :
Are you sharing your password? The one I have isn't working....
from whystinger :
Three doctors now... the two family doctors and the second opinion urologist... the first urologist planted doubt in my mind, but that will be overcome. More freedom is on the other side. BTW, going to edit (add ) to the entry I think...
from musikoid :
You know, being on your side, just as a friend, it's too bad that there's the dangling thread of the stuff still at O's. You're going to feel greatly relieved once that's all taken care of, I'm sure. On the bluntness, I often wish people were more up-front in communications. But I find myself sometimes avoiding them myself, out of concern for offending someone. If it gets to the point where I can tell I'm being manipulative or starting play games, I will stop - but usually only with withdrawal. Sometimes I find the right words to express something later on, by which truth is not sacrificed for fear of consequence.
from musikoid :
Thanks.
from musikoid :
One thing I learned on the streets is that when things happen that really hurt, that deeply hurt, that hit you at the core where it's almost impossible to avoid the self-definition of "piece of shit" - which we heard all the time on the streets -- it means that it's time for action. I'm actually thankful, because this has helped me to begin solving an age-old "email problem" that, prior to this, I shirked. It won't be that hard not to send unnecessary emails to multiple recipients. Sometimes all it takes is leaving the computer for a couple minutes after putting it in a draft folder, and asking myself: "Do I really need to sent that email?" General rule of them is not to cc or bcc anyone at *all* unless it's business-related and there's a clearly constructive reason, or else to friends and family to notify of change in contact info, and that sort of thing. Also, 22 email addresses is an awful lot to carry. I'm in the process of gradually reducing that to ONE. I've only deleted three of them so far, but I'll let you know which one emerges victorious when all the smoke clears. Thanks for your note.
from howlingwind :
Creepiness. Yes - it seems he is just grasping at straws. Why do men only seem to make an effort when it's pretty much too late?
from musikoid :
Yes, it's best I be rational about the meds. I have a lot on my mind right now, too. I think I'm going to post another entry before anything else happens. Weird - they show on my end. But that could mean they're local files. I'll have to see if anyone else can see them. All they are, anyway, are screenshots of the notifications and stats. Not a big deal, but it looks kinda pretty if you can see them. I messed with the height and width for a while before I got it right. Maybe you went on in the interim.
from whystinger :
Breaking out the Tits & whiskey, eh? I certainly understand that and counseling. No counseling can fix something, it is the people that must do the work and do the fixing, the counselor is just that - a counselor, a facilitator if you will. Both parties have to want to fix the relationship and both have to work hard. In my case, you know which one was willing to do the work. In the end, she told me "you owe me going to counseling..." to which I said "ok, let's go." You will remember that she made excuses. So, would O go? Perhaps he would but would he do the work and put forth the effort? It would serve to keep you there and give it time to normalize. Only you can make the right decision for you and you are pretty perceptive. I also think you are on the right track with the 1/31 entry about the confession. He's appealing to the sensual and adventurous side, but you know what he is doing and probably why. The admission is creepy and/or weird, even if he didn't do it and just made that up. He's grabbing at straws. I had another thought, but that one just evaporated.
from musikoid :
Hey - just read your great note. It really was a great note - I am going to do that, I have decided. I thought about it, and kinda prayed, and got the feeling that I ought to at least give the medication the ten days between when I started and when I see the therapist. That would give my body some indication of how it's going and also stabilize the blood level of the Depakote. It helped that I woke up this morning after six hours of sleep no longer feeling neuralgic or lethargic. I also was able to have a good morning run of a decent distance (1.7 miles) before taking the meds. I do recall that it was I myself who made this decision, and that I made the decision because I was beginning to have manic periods that were very difficult to manage. I would not want to return to that - so it might simply be a matter of finding the right dosage. Thanks for the reminder! I think it's appropriate for me to discuss all these things with the therapist, and with the doctor if need be, should a lower dosage be indicated. Thanks again. :)
from musikoid :
Those were great lists. Briefly, I just want to let you know how much I can relate to this part: "When I want to be alone, everyone wants my attention. When I'm lonely, no one does." Somehow, all my life, that seems to have been the case.
from minstrelite :
Links work on a different browser after a brief error message, something about how they "cannot be opened in a frame because the publisher doesn't allow it - click here to open them in a new window" - whatever that means. The immigration stuff is odious, but what's irking me is that 48% of America supports it. I started reading after my after-dinner nap and I think I'll go back to bed (floor) now and pray for a good night's sleep. Something is awry in the world. But - Marriage of Figaro, nice analogy. Tata -
from minstrelite :
I figured you were in TN but didn't know where BF was. I'll have to backtrack. Thanks --
from musikoid :
OK I basically got it about BF, except for not quite knowing which city - well, I hate to admit the geographical ignorance after all this time, especially since my moving to and fro my various headquarters has got to be much harder to follow than most, and you are only in TN and TX as far as know. Oh, and the links don't work on my browser. I'm kinda slightly irritable today too, nothing major, just blah and kinda grouchy.
from musikoid :
You sound good tonight, and I'm encouraged to hear that somebody is feeling a tinge of hope about the way things are proceeding. I made the mistake of absorbing myself in Trump news during the early hours of the day; and as a result, my anxiety during the church service was sky high. The depakote is definitely helping - though more in the department of mania than that of anxiety. It's hard not to be worried in general these days, but one thing I know is that this nation was not founded by cowards. This might just be a time in our history where We The People will stand up and show the Powers That Be what the American people are made of. Here's to Hope.
from musikoid :
Actually, it's gone by in a flash for me too. Since I rarely feel any desires, or even think about it much really, I have to remind myself that I've even accomplished anything in that area. What seems to be going by more slowly is just the overall culture shock between life in the two different cities, in very different parts of the country. But yeah, it is an accomplishment, and thank you for your support. I think the medication his helping me to focus, though I'll admit it takes a long time for my brain to come into focus in the morning. Pros and cons, like any other drug.
from musikoid :
"BF" - I must have missed something major...
from musikoid :
I'll leave out the names of the friends. I can just say "three guys in particular." Not that it wouldn't be potentially useful information, but just that it's the kind of thing that could make the reader concerned that I'm one of these guys who constantly submits irrelevant detail. (Which I am - but that's what we want to start changing.) Thanks for your input, J.
from whystinger :
Shit, we either think alike or are on the same page today. I opened the new email account and it was locked out already... Probably because I tried to be anonymous. I also wondered about the thyroid tumor being the cause. I will see an oncologist, so I will ask. I asked about my former neighbor, he had prostate cancer and had his prostate removed. PSA dropped to about zero, then went up again after a few years. Urologist's answer: the prostate cells went through the body and attached themselves elsewhere, then became cancerous. Add the fact that the PSA test is highly unreliable, but it is the ONLY test...
from musikoid :
Hey - that's a great idea. Not a straight up 'gratitude list' (which has its drawbacks), but a list of pros and cons, assets and deficits, so to speak. On MF, from a distance it would seem to me that overall his reappearance in your life is a positive.
from musikoid :
Hurray on both counts, indeed. :)
from musikoid :
Yes, I could tell, actually. Your head definitely has been in a better place, very recently. I've noticed that. About the political landscape, I keep telling myself I'm going to keep shut for a while and just watch things. But somehow it doesn't happen. Some new thing happens to freak me out, or I hear it from somebody who's freaking out -- the picture of a Trump Great America after 100 days of this is pretty unfathomable. But we can't let it destroy out hearts.
from whystinger :
Wasn't really a fear of therapy, but was I didn't believe in it and worried what some folks would have thought.
from musikoid :
I believe the word is synchronicity. There are different theories about it, and I would love to discuss this further. However, I need to get to the pharmacy and pick up my meds and be at work in one hour. I did get the meds I wanted, to do what I want them to do. This was by the far the least costly and least time-consuming bout of bureaucratic people-shuffling I've ever had to endure in my life. I'll probably post later on tonight. God bless.
from musikoid :
Sometimes even the song that's playing in a cafe or restaurant at the moment will send out lyrics that "speak to me." For example, I'll be feeling particularly unlovable, and I tune into the song "Desperado" where they're going: "You better let somebody love you - let somebody love you..." Or in the 70's when I was playing in a band named "Creole" I got stoned and stopped my car on the way to band practice because I suddenly wanted to flake on rehearsal, turned off the engine, lit up a joint, turned on the radio, and it was going: "And the Sultans played....Creole...Creole..." - At that, of course I revved up the car and showed up at practice like I'd never done one wrong thing. Of course, tell any of that shit to a psych agent and they'll write you up as a schizo. But you know, it takes all kinds, I suppose.
from musikoid :
I prayed briefly about it. Sometimes when I pray, a word or phrase will run through my head, not seeming like it comes from "me" - but not an audible voice by any means. Does that happen with you? Anyway, when I prayed, the words "you're in transition" ran through my head. I can live with that. It's possible that, because I only resumed running two weeks ago, and have gone out six or seven times now, the body/mind is adjusting accordingly. Something to do with the neurotransmission maybe. In any case, it's been unusually pronounced today. Almost every email I've sent contains one. I've stopped being annoyed by it, though - I've just taken to proofread before I send.
from musikoid :
for anyone - damn, it's bad this morning :( - probably typing too fast...
from musikoid :
how to live, rather -- (not sure what causes that, but if I had left that message from anyone I knew in California it would have been the only thing they commented on)
from musikoid :
I have a rebellious spirit. So if I'm going to rebel, I might as well rebel against all my naysayers. I'd like to see half these guys who keep telling me how to leave even *finish* a fucking 10-K. As Goethe said: "I believe I am better than the people who are trying to reform me."
from musikoid :
Glad to see you set your head free.
from whystinger :
Realizing you are reliving past mistakes means that progress has been made, especially as you made corrections. I am happy that you are in a better frame of mind. Funny that I got behind on your diary in what, a day or two? Hugs
from musikoid :
Well that's good. I'm glad you were able to temper it like that.
from musikoid :
And I care about you, too, J.
from musikoid :
I know you care, J. I was thinking of a certain other person at the moment, and also obviously was at a very low ebb. I'm going to go easy on myself for the rest of the day, if I can.
from musikoid :
Take it from the King of "Click on Send." When it doubt, leave it out.
from musikoid :
Thanks. I hope you're okay...
from musikoid :
I've also begun to notice more similarities then differences between us, J., the more I get to know you. Thank you for your friendship, and your note.
from whystinger :
Well, you are NOT an idiot. You are more intelligent and perceptive than most. I wish there was something I could do to help. All I can say is: Breathe, deep breaths and walk. Chin up, chest out and walk. When you were walking and exercising, it was a help to you. I know from experience that getting started can be very tough. Hugs (if appropriate).
from musikoid :
Just got your note. Again, woke up after only four hour sleep, wide awake, further sleep being out of the question. Not sure what to make of it. I'm sorry you've been feeling depressed.
from musikoid :
What you just described, in terms of your particular form of OCD, seems very similar to something I've been experiencing lately (although I wouldn't have thought to connect it to OCD had I not read your entry). Yesterday afternoon for example, I *had* to deal with these Zoho support requests, and I had to deal with them until I had driven them into the ground, even though it robbed me of several hours of the afternoon when I wanted to be working on my script, and in the end never amount to a solution anyway. They weren't even important issues. Stuff I've been living with forever, such as not being able to get rid of the red squiggly lines beneath "misspelled" words such as "playwriting" that I use all the time in my emals. I'm pretty sure I annoyed the support team, because I *never* contact them, and suddenly I had three insistent requests going on, as though it were the end of my inter-world all of a sudden. I must have spent three hours on it, and probably would have kept going on into the evening had the explosion not occurred that knocked out all the power lines. It seems related to my not being able to "let go" in general. Also, I hear you when depression is telling you one thing and anxiety another. The two things might even be related, but it's hard to tell which to "obey." In general, I've been experiencing much more anxiety since I've been inside again and trying to live responsibly. OCD seems to be anxiety taken to the nth level. Anyway, that was a fascinating entry, and I think I learned something about you from it. It clarifies on some level the difficulty you have with certain decisions. In my case, that translates to a strong need that the decision I make, in any situation, be "just right." There's a kind of perfectionism there too, I think - which is ironic, because the "things" with which we sometimes occupy our minds would be things we wouldn't be entertaining at all, if we *were* (perish the thought), "perfect."
from minstrelite :
I've found that keeping a daily gratitude list has helped me a lot more than I thought it would. This is especially true if I remember to keep it first thing in the morning. The thoughts I entertain at the beginning of the day often influence my attitude throughout the remainder of the day. About forgetting things, I space a lot more things when I'm anxious. Anxiety is a bastard. Meditation does help. Hang in there.
from musikoid :
Things are better now - after sleeping. Thanks for your prayers.
from musikoid :
Well - thanks, J. I just keep wondering, though, what can I do (if anything) to prevent things like this from happening again. On Saturday nights I'm particularly vulnerable to this kind of "attack" because I'm anxious about having to work the next day and get everything right. I *will* say that I was relatively focused at church after running a mile and half with the YakTrax on. They made all the difference in the world, and I actually felt like a runner again, not some kind of Antarctic explorer trudging through hitherto unexplored territory in the snow. I got a compliment from Bruce P. my boss (and the pastor's boss) afterwards, and I could tell it was genuine, even though I still thought I sucked.
from musikoid :
Hm. Well mine was kinda like that, to be honest with you. Also, it got to the point where I was red all over my body and could not stop scratching till I bled. I found myself actually enjoying the process of scratching and feeling a kind of rush after the blood started to come out. I remember thinking that this must be what people who cut feel like. This was when I slept outdoors. Some students asked if I wanted them to call emergency, and I said no, but the emergency team came anyway and hauled me off to the hospital. Fortunately, they didn't cite me for trying to sleep at an illegal spot on campus, though. Anyway, I hope yours doesn't get that bad, whatever it is.
from musikoid :
It might be psoriasis. If it's the kind of thing where it seems to want to make you itch, and then gets worse and itchier, like a vicious circle, it very well could be. I had to go to the hospital for it. They prescribed calamine lotion and benadryl. Changing my clothes frequently enough and taking enough showers caused it eventually to pass.
from minstrelite :
It's good to hear you in a good space. Alison? Free marketing courses? Maybe I should look into that myself.
from whystinger :
You do have an awful lot on your plate right now. That plus the shit with O probably has your mind working overtime and you are overwhelmed. You may be in a situational depression. Easier said than done, but just keep moving forward if you can. Little steps.
from linguafranca :
Also on the marketing topic, you might take a look at http://www.sjaturney.co.uk/, a (now elsewhere, https://sjat.wordpress.com/) Diarylander who seems to have a pretty good strategy in mind for marketing his books. Website + blog + lots of reviewing other books in his genre + I don't know what all else, but maybe you can take a peek and get an idea of what he's up to to get some ideas.
from musikoid :
Yeah, contrition. I think I feel you there. Sometimes I am genuinely sorry, which usually stems from a genuine desire to do what I know is good, combined with a kind of repulsion toward what I did that was bad. At those times, it's a lot easier to receive a sense of His forgiveness in my heart. But one just doesn't always feel that way, due to the fact that one is human, one has issues, and so forth. I believe He takes this into account, and sometimes His "absence" (or the feeling that He is, or could ultimately be, absent) is ironically just what we need in order to reflect more fully on our thoughts, words, and deeds.
from howlingwind :
Oh yeah, the website Alison has free courses about marketing. I don't know if they're worth much but you never know.
from howlingwind :
Holy hooter pants! It's strange how you and I seem to have similar issues going on at the same time. I feel like my life is a mess but I don't think I have the mental or physical energy to fix it. I feel very bottled up because I can't express my true feelings to the hubby and blah blah blah. I think your situation sounds a lot more challenging though. I'm sending you energetic solution finding vibes - bzzzzz-they are coming your way now!!!!!! Dork power!!! I gots it!
from musikoid :
God, you really DO have a lot on your plate! But that was a great entry, the way you laid it all on the line like that. With me, my anxiety level greatly increases when I haven't been getting sufficient sleep at night. With that on my mind as I read, the thing that most struck me as the "next right thing" for you to do, honestly, was probably "take a nap." I find that when I reach that level of overload, sometimes more sleep is the only way I can get myself into a state where I can prioritize everything else. I kind of wish you didn't have to deal with all that stuff alone.
from whystinger :
Forgot to mention, I did ask for some marketing training at work. That may apply a bit to you. I can ask an acquaintance if he has any words of wisdom and that may be able to happen if I am off on sick leave. Hope things are going well. BTW, was that an ass chewing I received? LOL
from whystinger :
True and you expressed it better than I could. Kind of like when I was chatting with a woman on a BPD online support group. Her BPD husband had abused her and raped her. She quizzes me about a few things in my marriage, tells me a few things about her marriage, then she hit me square between the eyes. "Do you realize that your wife is showing signs of mental abuse?" As I tell her it was not nearly as bad as what she went through, it was as if she reached through the computer and smacked me in the head. "Abuse is abuse and that doesn't mean you went through any less than any one else..."
from linguafranca :
How oh how I wish I were good at marketing. I would so help you. We would be the best. I read the art marketing blog of Laura C. George. Maybe something that you could use?
from howlingwind :
Sorry - no marketing skills here. Life is challenging. I guess I should add an entry some time. You can do it! How's that for some lame positivity!!?? I feel the same way about jobs. Meh.
from musikoid :
I feel you on just about every level. I don't do relationships - at least I don't *think* I do -- but we all need a sense of relative security in our close friendships and intimate relationships, and when that is challenged, we do tend to veer awry. That's just a general statement. On the marketing aspect, I suck at that myself, but a lot of this is my own indignation. Anything that diverts my focus from the core, creative center is usually regarded as a threat to my artistic plan, and I am more likely to demolish its existence than embrace it. But if I hear of any good agents -- well, there is this guy who claims to be interested in my writings on homelessness, he does have a publishing company - but it sounds like you have a publisher already. I'm sorry I can't be of more help. I'm in a pretty scattered state, waiting for something to "break" like it did when I received Siddhartha and the lyrics to "Midnight Screams." Nothing's happened so far, despite the mania I specifically generated to suit the occasion. The Muses are present but I think they're getting ansy. My channels are clogged.
from musikoid :
OK - I just fell flat on my butt carrying two bags of groceries back in the snow. Geeze, it hasn't stopped snowing for over a month now! I hear it's even snowing in Cali, like close to where I used to live. But anyway, I wasn't hurt, since I landed on several inches of soft snow, but it sure happened fast. I'll check my email.
from musikoid :
It did wreck me up, to the point where I was actually *angry* for a while - but I turned my head to the side where nobody could see me so it wouldn't show. Took a number of deep breaths and more-or-less got over it, but I never regained my calm. Bummer.
from musikoid :
You seem to be on top.
from musikoid :
About wanting to punch something, it's interesting this got brought up. I just went to a meeting (A.A.) and a guy there was talking about how he had this pillow he would always punch when he got mad, but then one day he ditched the pillow. He ditched because whenever he was in a situation where the pillow was not there, he felt like punching something else instead; for example, the nearest human being. This caused him to realize that he needed to deal with his anger issues. That stuck with me, because of my own anger issues and how I "deal" with them. Recently instead of composing a gratitude list I reeled off ten things that pissed me off. I thought at the time it had made me feel better. It did actually, but does it deal with the anger? Not at all. It will come back again and again. It crosses my mind that *rage* might just be another thing I'm addicted to. Sure there are root causes -- inequity in the world, attitudes of various sorts, hypocrisy, betrayal, abandonment -- but none of these causes are dealt with when I repeatedly blow my top, usually about the same things over and over. It's high time I put my money where my mouth is and did unto others the way I would like for them to do unto me.
from musikoid :
Did not delete them. Pardon my neurosis. Edited out the most offensive parts and fused them into one entry. Hope you're well tonight.
from musikoid :
I'm about to delete them. It helped to write them but not to read them. Um - the A.A. meeting affected me, I think in a good way. It's right down the street - I might as well keep going back, maybe not every day, but two or three times a week. There is good stuff to be obtained there, it's just that ultimately the cultish stuff gets to me. Anyway - the little entry this morning was written right after I was starting to get mad with my friend D. on the gmail chat, not sure why. We healed it up but it took all morning (and most of her afternoon). I sort of think that if friends are having that heavy of life-arguments, they ought to be married or something. But that's on another plane.
from musikoid :
I'm all right. I wrote two further entries after the one you probably read, and I won't delete them. It's basically One Minute at a Time in this part of the world. Gotta have faith.
from whystinger :
Thanks, I took your advice and added a warning.
from whystinger :
You are not being an asshole by not telling him he has already lost you, you are protecting your property and keeping things civil until you can remove your things. Other thing is what I should do, but it is easier to say than do... Get enough sleep, get exercise and eat as well as you can. Yes, I need to do that and I am falling off schedule too. Positive note: all caught up!
from musikoid :
I'm doing a bit better. Thank you for the well wishes. I deleted that one paragraph (about the need for superhuman friends) - was trying to be funny, but I don't think it was funny, nor was it clear that I was trying to be. But - yes, I feel a bit better. I healed things up with people and am moving forward.
from musikoid :
By the way, thanks for that note - about the come down. It was well worded and it helped when I read it a second time.
from howlingwind :
I ate oatmeal every day for years and then it just started to make me feel really hungry about an hour later. I think I might have built up an allergy to it. Some doctor who went on Dr. Oz said that hunger, like that churning feeling in your stomach, is not always hunger but a allergic reaction to something - it's like your stomach trying to repair itself. I would try avoiding wheat and oats if you can but I know that's a serious bitch to do. Try eating more rice instead - white rice - cause brown rice can be irritating too. You can feel free to ignore my unsolicited non-expert health advice. But when I stopped eating that stuff I stopped getting so many hunger pangs. I'm glad your anxiety etc issues are mo betta these days. :-)
from musikoid :
That's right - it's correlation, not causation. And anxiety does indeed turn a blind eye toward truth. Thanks for that, it helps me too.
from musikoid :
Well - I just gotta not smoke it. I do have that power - I mean, to make the first choice anyway. Once it's in my system, I'm screwed. But yeah thanks for your support. Some of it is just that I'm down on myself but yeah I either need a lifetime supply of it or stop it altogether. I'm thinking of going to the noon meeting but with my luck the whole janitorial crew of closet gay Donald Trump supporters will be there raising their hands and popping off inane shit, after which I'll never be able to shake them. Something tells me in a town this small, better just be a Man and go it alone. Jesus didn't have anybody holding His hand when He had to carry that Cross up that hill, so maybe it helps to put things in perspective. Thanks for your note.
from whystinger :
Yes I am still behind on reading by about a month. Nov 27 entry. You don't bring it up because you are working and thinking and you know he will try to smooth it over. I went through this with Honi. Your Dec 5 entry was almost looking in a mirror for me, back when I was going through that (minus the bleeding). That is you moving through the process, I think. Dec 10. wow, yes you have accepted it and have made a decision. Yes, you do love him, as I still love Honi, but I had to move on as I could not do it alone and you are also in that same boat - it take two to Tango and two to make a marriage work. Only you can decide if you want to/should stay in contact with O. I do not stay in contact with Honi as this gives her false hopes. It is also sort of a "pussy block" (opposite of cock blocking) for me if I were to stay in contact with her. Her hopes would be that I would fall for her again and pursue her again. In my several tries, she did not make the effort, so you know my decision. My therapist hit me with "oh yea, you are't over her and you are not ready for a relationship, but you are ready for dating..." so give yourself time and patience. Hugs
from musikoid :
I know you want him to be happy, but that hard to be hard seeing him close to the gf like that on Facebook. Also, it's not Manfriend vs. O - as you know - Manfriend's reincarnation was for the purpose your seeing something lacking in the relationship with O. and becoming stronger for it. One wonders if this leniency toward O. is related to a depression realizing this thing about Manfriend. Maybe to stay quiet within yourself for a few days would be better than acting quickly, in this case.
from linguafranca :
No, no, not TCoS! TST! They latter are much more interesting and relevant than CoS.
from minstrelite :
Yeah - close call.
from musikoid :
You suspect correctly, of course. I *wouldn't* act on such thoughts - not even close. They not only seem to be psychologically associated with the initial hormonal shift, but even if that shift were to be chemically sustained for hours on end (as is the case when one indulges in the cantankerous chemical of such well-deserved ill-repute), I wouldn't be able to act on them, because I have too many fear-based safeguards, also stemming from early upbringing (viz, Roman Catholicism). What I'm wondering is if those age-old psychological associations can be broken. I think probably so. They say it takes only three weeks to break any habit if one consciously replaces it with something else. Might be worth a try, as opposed to the alternative alluded to in 2 Corinthians 6:17. If *that* one hasn't worked for 49 years, it's probably not going to start working *now.* Thanks for your thoughts.
from whystinger :
I am up to your November 7th entry. That was interesting to read because I lived through that in my marriage and reading it was so damn familiar. I totally understand the feelings and I feel I shouldn't influence your decision. It took me a while to work through this and it may take you a while to work through it. I see you making progress, but I feel I should buzz off or at least read more currently before I say much more.
from musikoid :
I feel ya, J. I understand about the (sudden) hormonal shift, but also think that some of the guilt for me is related to the kinds of thoughts I have during that first hormonal alteration, which are based on psychological associations that go back to eighth grade or so. The act itself is natural (and possibly unavoidable on the basis) but the thoughts that accompany the act is wherein lies sin, in my opinion.
from whystinger :
"Its been three days..." O's behavior is sort of abusive if that is the silent treatment. Why did you stay so long? Because you had to for some reason. You have tried pretty damn hard and you were successful, but you did 90% of it alone - it takes two to make it work, both parties really have to work. That is what snuffed out my marriage - she didn't want to work, things were fine, the way she wanted them. She wanted to be angry and in debt. I too, lost that loving feeling. As you know, the couple's therapist told me "fake it till you make it." Do the behaviors and the feelings will follow. That worked until I realized that Honi wouldn't do her part and then I stopped being able to fall back in love with her. I also realized she would not help meet my needs because she was happy with what she had, even though she wasn't really happy. Don't beat yourself up - you did try hard.
from whystinger :
You know, I really thought I had kept up with your diary, but I guess it was that I sort of kept up with you, due to FB & texts. I can't believe how far behind I seem to be. I am sure I did take a peek but forgot. Not necessarily in order: I have mixed emotions about spanking. I was spanked as a child, but not much, but there was the THREAT of spanking which kept us in line. My Dad never hit us with his belt, but if we pissed him off, he would jump up, yank off his belt and start cracking it, scaring the shit out of us.. The travel - did you know that is how I had originally planned my marriage with Honi? My vision was she would venture to visit her family without me and with me and I would visit Vincent and his Dad in NJ, I could visit Keyman and other friends and family, plus we would travel together. Surprise, her vision was much different. I don't find your travels strange, but I am probably a bit jealous. Strong can be a couple who can work together and apart. My one cousin and his wife are like that. She is still crazy head over heels about him and they were high school sweethearts. I remember a bit about ex manfriend, I think from a text convo. I will say this - nephew on Honi's side just found a FB message I sen to him two years ago... Last: learning guitar. I would like to learn guitar also. I bid on and won a silent auction for a few guitar lessons and ended up not being able to take them.
from whystinger :
In reply about the smaller orifice... the blood clot came out of a small orifice that had a fairly large tube in it. That was the really surprising thing. The good thing was that as the blood clots came out, the pressure was relieved.
from whystinger :
Wow, I need to catch up... Just did a fast skim
from whystinger :
And yes, I am beginning to thing he is s dick bag.
from whystinger :
I really liked this Urologist the first few times I worked with him. Now I am losing confidence. Funny thing is, both the emergency room Doc and my current Doc felt the urologist overreacted, as well as my past MD, whom I went to visit not to long ago to get her opinion on both the prostate and thyroid (probably haven't written about it). The emergency room Doc (female also and a great doc) and my former Doc both said "Urologists tend to get nervous if something happens that involves things above the belt. This tends to panic them." One of his nurses later told me "you probably scared him, that's all." Hmmm, for some reason I expect a doctor to know some of the general practice things like that...
from musikoid :
Right on. :)
from musikoid :
Answer is YES, post the two paragraphs on your FB timeline, YES attribute it to Andy Pope, Author-Composer, EDEN IN BABYLON, www.edeninbabylon.com. If anyone pursues the link, I've adjusted it to reach the Story Line page, which clearly pertains to the Homeless Phenomenon in America. Please do this and I shall be honored. Thanks, J.
from musikoid :
J. I've been without Internet for several hours. What I meant was - I don't want *not* to be attributed if you *do* use the two paragraphs. I'm just needing to make a decision how far I want to "come out." I'm also realizing that the only reason I was able to open myself to the Homeless Spirit long enough to write such an entry is directly related to my having let go of Art. I've had to do some soul-searching and have realized I was basically kissing up to him in the hope that if I pleased him he might kick me more cash when I needed it. But it wasn't working for me to live by somebody else's standards and not my own - hence the suppression of the Spirit, my frequent periods of depression and a sense of spiritual dryness or even death, and (of course) the ultimate explosion. I'm conducting a dialectic right now and should have an answer for you soon. I want to say that I am honored you would choose to use my words, and that I am aware that this aspect of the homeless phenomenon has been largely overlooked in our society. However, I have some details to iron out as concerns my "coming out" - so - please hold off.
from musikoid :
I want you to quote any or all of that article, but let me get back to you a second time on the attribution aspect before you make a move. It probably won't be long, but I have to think about some things for a period of time. I'll leave a yes or no about the attribution after I come to a greater decision about a more important issue on a broader plane, from which that much lesser decision would follow.
from musikoid :
As you do indeed attest, yes.
from howlingwind :
Sorry for the packing/dealing with husband suckiness. I hope things get better. :-)
from musikoid :
Oh - I see, it was a hyperbolic figure. I had thought O had been around for longer than that, but wasn't sure how long you and he had been "formally" together "this time." My bad.
from musikoid :
987 days - with O?
from musikoid :
Thanks for noting me, J. I wasn't sure anyone was reading. I think I'm basically being tempted to explode. I just haven't done so yet. I probably need to somehow let up on the guy in my head - I mean, I'm building him into an even creepier creep than he is. But still, he's pretty darned creepy. Probably best thing to do is continue to avoid him, and perhaps be a bit assertive when I need to be. It's truly unpleasant, but it is what it is. If I complain in my head "Why? Why? Why?" it does no good. "Wny?" is the prayer that is never answered. "Thy will be done," is the one that is always answered. So, it's pretty much a no-brainer, as far as hashing it out with the King is concerned. Best I keep the issue between me and Him at this point, I'm afraid. It's my test - bottom line - it's my test.
from minstrelite :
In other parts of the State, the rep is like: "They're all a bunch of hippies in that town!" So yeah I guess it's a nice fit. ;)
from musikoid :
Yeah - I'm not going to worry about it. I've noticed that these people, for the most part, really do like me - and not just the employers, but other people at the church. Not to mention, I live in a "hippie town" (though in the midst of a Red State.) Still, the job being church-related, and the town being small, I want to make sure I watch what words let fly from lips. It was a little mini-wake-up. I didn't stress.
from minstrelite :
Interesting how it sometimes works to see yourself a bit in others, even if what is seen is a bit on the scary side. Thanks, J...
from musikoid :
I had a disturbing dream this morning too. It was also a very symbolic dream, though not blatantly so. Its symbolism was disguised beneath a surface meaning, like a smokescreen. I couldn't get back to sleep after that. + You've not missed much by not reading me. Mostly, I have been working through difficult feelings. There are probably numerous entries. I'm sure my gratitude lists are more informative, as well as more affirmative. I'm praying for you.
from musikoid :
Just trying to get hits on these two public blogs. "The Bottom Line" - https://edeninbabylon.com/2016/11/19/the-bottom-line/ and "A Whole Lot of Love" https://edeninbabylon.com/2016/11/21/a-whole-lot-of-love/ -- they're a little more carefully thought out than my d-land norm, but obviously headed in a direction that could be dangerous if the dynamics of the Big Block are not favorably adjusted soon.
from musikoid :
Thanks, J. :)
from musikoid :
https://edeninbabylon.com/2016/11/19/the-bottom-line/
from musikoid :
Hey that aounds good. I'll try it when I get back home. I think that's all the janitor ever does - he has one of those snake-like things and wiggles it around for a while till it unclogs whatever was holding things up. I've been trying to use spoons, toothbrushes, etc. to no avail.
from minstrelite :
I know you've got a lot going on, and especially in the relational area which, while I gather some feeling for your situations, I hesitate to comment when thoughts about it are not fully formed enough to be put out, and the situation is so personal. Personal, and also - how shall we say this? Not my "forte" - though I'm not sure intimate relationships are anybody's forte. I do know that your comments toward me are always valuable to me, however, and that I count you a friend.
from musikoid :
I hear you. It's a waste of a good heart to indulge the interminable criticism. Did I change my typing speed or volume just because everybody in Berkeley complained that my typing was too loud? Not all. Has anybody in Moscow ever complained that my typing is too loud? Not one. So there is something to be said for not hanging around the wrong people, or making too many personal adjustments to accommodate their negative opinions.
from musikoid :
Not trying to be the Devil's Advocate, but well sure I am. What if it's more than one person who doesn't like the sauce? Like say a 30% cross-section of the populace? Then how does that affect the verdict on its awesomeness? It's not as though Cary's the first person who's ever told me, with some degree of disdain or annoyance, that I talk a lot and go off on a lot of tangents. It's also pretty obvious just looking at his timeline that the conversation about the picture of the two of us together is a lot more interesting to him than anything that was said during our (already briefer) conversation over breakfast. He didn't really want to see me. He only wanted to post something about seeing me on his timeline.
from linguafranca :
Thanks for the heads up about the Temple likes. I haven't decided if I care to hide it or not. I am kind of generally pissed and spoiling for a fight, done hiding who I am for the most part. (Except the fact that I am ok with occasional flag burning-- not coming out with that one just yet!) Plus the Temple is actually really awesome. But I don't know if I am ready to alienate EVERYONE yet. :)
from musikoid :
That sounds good, what you just wrote. I echo that.
from musikoid :
Just to let you know, I've been keeping up but have not yet commented out of not having the confidence to formulate a useful thought on the matter. All I can say is that everything seems tense and in uneasy flux or limbo - (but that tells you nothing.)
from musikoid :
Oh about the diary - maybe I'm just in a good space today (fancy that?) but I think I'll just retain the status quo. DiaryLand generally works for me. A lot of the time, I'll read what I wrote when I was upset with myself and my diary presence, and I'll actually find that it's a positive experience for me to see later what kind of a weird bad space I was in. So I'll just consider it a work-in-progress and move forward. Also, I sent you a Facebook request.
from musikoid :
You do understand, and I can tell that you do, and I am glad that you do. And thank you for saying so. My body basically wants to be outside 100% of the time. This unfortunately is not practical in today's society. It may be that I am not spending enough daytime outdoors. When I was tired the other day I stopped walking and attempted to crash out in a park in the afternoon. I didn't have cardboard, which I'd usually have used to separate me from the grass. The result was that I was immediately accosted by multiple insects, got itchy, couldn't sleep, and gave it up after a few minutes. So - that's how far I am from "homeless preparedness" at this time. But it's good to know I'm not alone in needing a lot of good fresh air. I try not to be boastful when I make claims such as not having worn a jacket since 1985 or running a PR half-marathon in a thunderstorm. (Wearing shorts.) So if it helps any, my body also freaks out when the temperatures get over 70 degrees Fahrenheit. How I lasted as long as I did in California, I have no idea. Thanks again for understanding.
from musikoid :
Thanks for the "heart-felt" affirmation. I think what I wrote in the previous note is sound. I've been all over the map lately, but this will give me something to settle down with. I did idealize Moscow as well as my sister who went to high school here. But both have proven fallible. That sounds silly or even stupid, but I stand a better chance of succeeding here if I recognize its setbacks as well as its benefits, and commit myself to work with them both.
from musikoid :
I recognize that I am not under obligation to play out the previous script, just because it was played out after my father's death, and afforded me some purpose at the time, in getting me to see, ultimately, how I had idolized my father, and thus was unprepared for his loss. When you idolize someone, you essentially deify them - and deities don't die. This is different. I may not have idolized my sister, but I *idealized* her. I took her for granted. I thought she would always be there. Even when I didn't hear from her for weeks on end, she was still somehow there. Her emails, her uniqueness and self-assurance, so distinctive. The way she was always "all by herself" and seemed to want it that way, wanting to comment on my own reality but never offer anything about hers, other than that she was managing, and doing all right. It just seems so sudden, though in reality it must not have been. She just didn't like to divulge information about her health, and was always on the up and up. I just have to process this all, and come to the point where I know she is, on some level, still there. Even though I won't hear from her directly, I somehow know what her comment is. And no, she does not want me to take off randomly as I have so often done. Not that she would worry now, but just that she would see the wrongness of it, and how I could do better. A better thing, rather to avoid my apartment, might be to clean it up, spick and span. Do the opposite of chaos. I haven't lost my job, my apartment, or my bank account yet. These things are important. It shouldn't be too very hard to keep on -- but I might need a little help from my friends.
from musikoid :
Thank you, J.
from musikoid :
Should be the same password now. I'd forgotten I had changed it when I was incognito. I didn't realize till I got your note that you couldn't read. I'm sorry about that.
from linguafranca :
*cringe*. Hugs.
from musikoid :
He lives in Palouse ten or twelve miles north of here and it would be like making him drive down here. However, Paul is here who played with me last night, I can see if I can get the money from him and then Alex can just pay my cut to Paul. It means revealing my financial woes a bit which I hate to do, because I've done it so often in life and it has led to foul consequence, like lectures from rich guys and fits of fury on my part. I guess I can explain that it's not as though I don't have money in the bank, I just don't have the bank card.
from musikoid :
"Mental illness is a really fucked up thing. Even when you know what's causing your pain, that what you're feeling isn't the truth, that doesn't mean you can stop it from hurting." This is what makes it an illness and not a moral choice. Also, you needn't feel bad or even baffled why you should be lonely in light of all those who love and support you. When one does so, I think one only adds guilt to loneliness. Guilt has its purpose, but not in this case. Loneliness is a natural feeling that almost everyone has experienced at some point in their life, no matter what their circumstances. It is nothing of which you need be ashamed - it only means you're human.
from musikoid :
Interesting. Not that I'm interested in m/m romance, but interesting that this should be the subject. Are they on Amazon?
from musikoid :
Sounds wise. By the way, your writing on that note was really great - I'm blown away by how much good writing I find on DiaryLand. Hit and miss, but the good stuff is there. What are your published books about?
from musikoid :
If you want to rant to me I can probably take it. I think I know what you mean, though. I try not to rant too hard on D-Land because it occasionally really turns people off.
from musikoid :
Right. Regretting the past serves no positive purpose. It's almost as though one has to embrace it in order to let go of it. I think you and I are sort of on a parallel thing here, in a way. I hope that whatever the reasons were why you chose to enter into something that your better self knew would be destructive for you, you will not permit such reasons to guide your path in the future. I echo my own hope.
from musikoid :
Everything has its season / Everything has its time / Show me a reason / and I'll soon show you a rhyme...
from musikoid :
Perhaps I mentioned walking past the house where I was born. Although I didn't visually recognize the house (plus it was over-run with foliage), I recognized a distinctly familiar *smell* that I could not place. Also I just gotta say "Corner of the Sky" great song! You know it?
from musikoid :
It seems I had it right, then, pretty much. Interesting about the timing of Manfriend's appearances. Also, just the fact that he would care enough to show up after such a long period of time says something...
from musikoid :
OK I finally got all caught up with your entries. Honestly, in all my recent lack of sleep and stress over this-and-that, I hadn't realized how many I had missed. I am still a bit confused over some of your situations, only because I never did quite tune into them in the first place, and so I'd have to backtrack too much to get clear. It's easier just to ask you. Is "O" in Texas? Or in Tennessee? I mean, I *think* when you said you were in Texas, that meant you were with O. I just am not sure. Also, where are you now? The recent W.U. thing had me a bit perplexed as well. I guess I'm saying, I'm not sure which of your life lies in Texas, and which in Tennessee. That said, I can only empathize with how much a CAT can wreak havoc in a marriage, not that I have anything against cats, but just that the lifelong owner of the cat is more likely than his or her partner to defend the cat when the cat does something excessively cat-like. This was a factor in my marriage as well. Then, in general, about relationships, I am not in the position to say anything astute. I can only make the general and more-or-less obvious observation that the moon turns the tides, and that it is no doubt not a coincidence that ManFriend should show up at the time when perhaps more illumination as to some of the more sordid aspects of your relationship with O was needed.
from musikoid :
Sorry to reveal my narcissism here, but before reading the rest of your entry, my prideful eyes directed me to my first name. I know you weren't criticizing me for the wording, but I almost reworded that part, because of the apparition of arrogance. It's not as though God came down and said: "Hey, speak these words here, Andy." Some of that is just Christian lingo, and I'd sent it to my email list before copying it to Minstrelite, which I usually do in reverse order, so it was kind of a space-out. But past that, I felt like the words were being received positively anyway, and were not the kinds of words that *wouldn't* have been well-received. So that's basically what I meant. If it's good, it's from God. But anyway, I seem to be on the alert against misleading people. Words are very powerful, and the more of them there are, the more prospects there are for misconstrue.
from musikoid :
There was one other thing besides the misleading use of the word "liberal" that bugged me equally in that speech. I just can't remember what it is right now. What I can do is edit the word "liberal" out. That will be easy to do with the software. It might sound a bit abrupt, but that's the lesser of evils. If I can find the other spot, I think it's a matter of removing a couple words, or maybe a sentence. Then I'd be more cool with it all. About my voice, the voice you have for me in your head is probably a lot closer to my casual speaking voice than the voice you hear on the recording. I was purposely talking louder and slower for the sake of 'oratory elocution,' also doctored it up using the Broadcast feature of Adobe Audition 3 to make my voice sound deeper. Added reverb, etc. (Stopped one short of adding applause tracks and incidental underscore music at dramatic moments.) It was a real project. I made each of the nine speeches from two pages of notes, and mostly talked off the top of my head. Hey - thanks for listening and providing some feedback. I think you're only the 4th person who's heard that speech, unless somebody else from DiaryLand has, or somebody listened but never told me they did. About the Street Spirit newspaper in Berkeley, that seems to be exactly what they're doing in Nashville. In Berkeley, though, the papers are technically free of charge, but the homeless vendors request donations. I knew a homeless couple who made $75 a day selling papers at different spots, and every night they were able to get a motel room. They've been living that way for years. They pick up the papers in the morning from this guy whom I refer to as Elmer in my diary (I gave his real name in the speech), and he also gives them a special badge to wear that identifies them. The actual papers are produced in Oakland, he's just the distributor. People always were trying to get me to write for Street Spirit, but Elmer thought that would be a low bar for me. He was trying to get me a job as a columnist with the East Bay Express at the time I decided to vacate the premises. Thanks again - oh, I can't make the heart thing, I keep trying. But here's my smile. :)
from musikoid :
Oh - about the 'homeless-by-choice' man in your neighborhood, it might be more common than one might think. I still prefer, spiritually and physiologally, to sleep outdoors. It sounds as tough he's pretty well-accepted in the community, but in Berkeley the problem with sleeping outdoors lay exclusively in subjecting oneself to the disrespect and violation of those who, for various reasons, would wake you up - or worse, succeed in not waking you up while stealing all your belongings.
from musikoid :
P.S. Did my voice sound like the one you had for me in your head? It wasn't clear. I don't know if you remember bindyree, but we decided to meet up in San Fran one year since she lived near me, and the first time I heard her voice on the phone, each of us said that we sounded just like we thought each other sounded by reading the diaries. That kind of thing is intriguing. I also talked with Illusionless (she had another name before that, though, which I don't remember right now) and she didn't sound at ALL like I thought she would sound (much more energetic and upbeat), and she said I didn't sound at all like she thought I would sound (much younger, she said, flatteringly enough.)
from musikoid :
Thank you so much for listening. I'm sorry if the Matilda story was a trigger. I remember now that a woman who was interested in me for a brief period of time had me over at her house and listened to that speech, and she broke into tears during the Matilda story. It's good to know that the story is powerful, though I wasn't wanting to trigger anyone. Of course, Matilda is a fictitious character, but I met many young people in Berkeley who would attest to such circumstances. I think the points about patience and technology are valuable, though I think there is probably a problem with the stridency of the “choice” issue. At times I think I come across as an arch-conservative who doesn't sympathize with the *conditions* of homelessness, which is not at all the case. Obviously, those conditions are brutal for many people. I would adjust all that, based on what happened the last three years I was in Berkeley. It also wasn't necessary for me to use the adjective “liberal” prior to “social worker” at one point. It's true that most of the people who are involved in helping the homeless are politically liberal – at least in the San Francisco Bay Area – but it misleads, because the point I was trying to make was about the absurdity of fulling empathizing with a homeless person if you are someone who has never been homeless and has no real identification with the homeless experience. I wasn't trying to make a political point; and in fact, I think such points ought in general to be avoided. I did quote William F. Buckley on the work ethic, however, and am comfortable with that quote. But again, conservatives do not have a monopoly on the work ethic (or on any other type of ethic, for that matter.) It would be like saying that Christians had the monopoly on love – a suggestion I also tried very much to avoid. I made this speech about 3 ½ years ago. At the end, I alluded to making plans to return to Berkeley temporarily. I wound up returning permanently – not that I lost the cottage. The landlord didn't want to see me leave, because I was a responsible tenant. But I was drawn back to Berkeley for “more research,” and the second tenure in Berkeley was a nightmare compared to the first. One month later I was subjected to strong-armed robbery for the first time in my life, and this became a trend. I also developed issues with substance abuse of which you are aware. So it really got the better of me the second time around, and I would alter some of the information accordingly. I hope you can regroup and get to the end of the speech. Again, sorry if I triggered you.
from musikoid :
If I'm not mistaken, I just saw the name of the great Madeleine L'Engle among your favorite authors. It's amazing how many people have never heard of her. I think I read *A Wrinkle in Time* every year around Christmas time for about ten years in a row once. I also read the one about the spores, I forget the title now, maybe it was "A Wind in the Door," I'm not sure.
from minstrelite :
If I knew how to make that little heart thing that you always make, I'd make it right now. :)
from linguafranca :
Aw, man. I'm sorry.
from howlingwind :
Sorry the Citrus fruit has gone back to his not so fresh ways. I hope you're able to get your stuff all sorted out.
from musikoid :
I somehow didn't see the part about Jesus. Thanks for reminding me.
from musikoid :
Haven't found it. I deleted my most recent entry, the one you obviously read. I was able to take my mind off of things at the local café, and they actually put my music on their speakers, which was gratifying, since I usually have a hard time getting people to listen to it. But as soon as I re-entered my apartment building, I immediately became enraged. At that moment, all my keys jumped out of my key ring, and it took me ten minutes to locate them on the same-colored floor. I went back into the laundry room and an Asian guy was doing his laundry. I asked if he'd seen it, and he not only said no but discouraged me with his statement that there's no chance I'll ever find it here because the average person who rents these dives would just steal it. This is throwing me back to Berkeley and I don't like it. Thanks for your prayers, however. I have noticed in the past that they have been answered.
from musikoid :
"Loneliness has always been my most powerful motivator. Not often to my betterment." That is an extremely poignant statement.
from musikoid :
I smoked so much more heavily for so many more days than I thought would happen. Then I stopped abruptly. I can hardly sleep for rage. It definitely did affect me adversely. It is not what I expected of it, wasn't my memory of it, at all. I'll send you an email.
from musikoid :
Thanks but things are just getting worse and worse. I've got the double whammy of here I've been high on weed for like nine days now I run out and I don't even want any more but I've got nothing else, no money, no food, no faith. I don't think I came a long way at all, I didn't change at all, the only thing that changed was my circumstances equals money. Money has all the power, always has, there is no God.
from musikoid :
Thanks, J. :)
from musikoid :
Just saw your notes on Minstrelite. Yeah, Jeff is a good guy. We're not as in touch as we used to be, but it's good to hear from him every now and then. He says things are going pretty well - looks like he's lost some weight since I've known him.
from musikoid :
The experiment seems to still be in full swing. On the compliment, my best response is that if it's definitely the best anyone's ever paid you, then it's certainly long overdue.
from musikoid :
Something tells me Jesus is okay with you, in general.
from musikoid :
I saw all that too. I also was unable to change the format, after you pointed out that function. (I'd never seen it before either.) But things seem a bit better. On Minstrelite I'm having no problem. On Musikoid it pulls up "All in the Family" if I'm logged on and I click on "Your diary" (left menu) - but if I click on "Musikoid" either place up top where it's clickable, it leads correctly to "Friendship Square." All this is better than it was - so maybe Andrew's working on it.
from musikoid :
Yes, it's happening with both diaries. No matter which diary I'm logged onto, if I click on "Your diary" it always pulls up the same Musikoid entry, "Call to Action." It's more than annoying. I can click on "Archives" and see all the entries up to "All in the Family" but none past that. It's making me a bit hesitant to keep posting here, because it demands too much of my readers to keep up with me. Hence, I don't receive the full sense of "DiaryLand Gratification" we all crave. (To one degree or another.) By the way, I really enjoyed your recent entry about the road trip, the reconnection with the manfriend, and the poly musings regarding him and O. Lot of stuff going on. But if you've updated since then, I haven't seen it...
from musikoid :
Is anybody besides me having trouble with DiaryLand navigation? My most recent entry at this time is http://musikoid.diaryland.com/uare.html but I'm pretty sure you can't access it except by pasting that url into your browser. It doesn't show up in the archives are on index.html. I'm experiencing a few other sources of frustration here as well, so I thought I'd "ask around." Apologize for leaving the same note for everybody - but in this case, it seems the thing to do. Since I have two diaries, the complications are compounded, and so I'm not sure how much of the current navigation issues are mine & mine alone. Let me know, please, if you can. Thanks.
from musikoid :
You described that kiss very well - ever see Sideways? You'll know what I mean if you did.
from musikoid :
Haha well I must admit I've been secretly hoping people will copy-and-paste it to their Facebook timelines since I don't do Facebook anymore. I sent it to my homeys back in B-town who are all in the mode of Hillary and Trump being the same and "voting their conscience" for third party candidates who don't stand a chance, letting them know that the only other group of people I encounter who take that stance are right-wing fundamentalist wackos who think it doesn't matter who we vote for because "God's gonna put in office who He's gonna put in office" - as though a holy God would want His children to be completely apathetic. I asked the total left-wing radicals if they wanted to be identified with right-wing fundamentalist wackos? Hopefully I'll get through to a couple of them. Enough said.
from minstrelite :
Hey thanks J. As of "Day Two" I am still on track. It's an interesting "challenge."
from musikoid :
That's plenty good right there. :)
from musikoid :
Wow - that's intense about your ex-'manfriend.' It's pretty unusual in my experience that anyone who's ever wronged you on any level ever shows up again with a heart-felt. Maybe something more will come of this?
from musikoid :
No, I don't. It could be one of several names that begin with the letter "M" - but that's only what very brief Internet research has revealed. Or it could be another name entirely, but that *is* indeed interesting.
from musikoid :
Interesting. I thought I knew your real name, but when I looked it up, I couldn't find that.
from musikoid :
Then you are *also* a gift from God. :)
from musikoid :
I figured you were probably an Introvert, and our experience is similar around socializing. I think, however, that I'm actually *more* Introverted than I used to be. I find myself only wanting to be with close friends for any extended period of time, and even then, I prefer it to be one-on-one. The thing about having time to oneself between bouts of social interaction, for me, is like "recharging." Even if I just sit there in a chair feeling drained, permitting my thoughts to space out completely, there is still an effect of an inner battery or operating system being recharged or reset, and I'm usually good to go after a good night's sleep. But it's definitely something I need in order not to become grouchy, surly, and possibly even mean-spirited. + One particular annoyance is that Jim & Greg have taken to parking out in the hallway right across from my door, so I'm encountering them frequently whenever I come home or go out. I don't see why they can't be in either one of their own apartments - it's almost as though they're purposely forcing me to socialize with them. It's a bit irksome.
from musikoid :
I came back. I felt guilty for leaving. I'll just try to be more responsible about it all.
from musikoid :
I'm leaving DiaryLand. There are healthier ways for me to process all this information (if at all) -- we have each other's emails. Thanks for your support, and take care.
from musikoid :
Actually things have gotten distinctly better inside my head within the past hour or so, and I in fact wondered if somebody was praying for me.
from musikoid :
A large part of my problem right now is that I keep imagining the worst. "The debit card must be lost in the mail," "it's never going to get here." For some reason, I can't imagine actually receiving the card, and paying my rent, and buying groceries, and having little bits of coffee money. I just can't imagine anything happening but some kind of crisis that will cause all the good things that I thought were happening to dissolve into oblivion. It's a wretched mental state and an unfamiliar one. Before, even when I was out on the streets, there was always a free meal someplace, always a handout somewhere, always a way to get what I wanted without a State photo I.D. card. My whole problem is that I'm assuming everything I thought was going my way is now going to be taken from me, all because of this one insurmountable obstacle, which I also assume is insurmountable.
from whystinger :
Thanks for the note. I did interview for two positions on Friday, even though I thought I was interviewing for one. I have not been offered the job yet and I am already struggling with the decision. A week ago I felt I was a shoe in, then I was not sure. Now I am in limbo wondering what the fuck I should do. Current job is grueling with the travel, but there are perks, such as I get to look for and eat at some cool places. Having some time at home is also appealing. Being an hour away from where Honi lives is NOT appealing, would rather be farther away. The current house if a mess and I am really getting down on myself. Sheesh!
from whystinger :
I was spanked a time or two as a child. I remember really once spanking and while my Dad threatened to use a belt, he only used his hand and no pull the pants down stuff. Neighbor's Mom did the spank the bare butt and as a young child, I thought that was pretty odd, as well as other kids in the neighborhood who were spanked. I remember getting scolded a lot and the threatened spankings, but usually straightened up with just the threat.
from musikoid :
Briefly, my thoughts on spanking are somewhat akin to yours. It's awful when it's done either in the heat of fury or the freeze of cold-hearted sadism. Also, with the hand, not in a way to cause or indicate real lasting hurt, but to get the child's attention when spinning out of control. Unfortunately, my ex and I had read books on the matter from Christian sources at the time that were so ass-backwards (no pun intended) it wound up being very destructive to the psyche of my stepdaughter. I could elaborate, but mainly the idea was *never* to use the hand, but always a paddle that you kept hanging up on a wall somewhere in plain 24/7 sight of the child - an ominous reminder that a spanking was a real possibility, and could happen at any time. That kind of instilling the Fear of Rod into the child is, now that I look back on it, extremely demeaning and injurious to a growing human being's self-esteem at a formative stage. My thoughts, in the present day, briefly.
from musikoid :
Got it on the poly thing. My experience is limited but memorable.
from musikoid :
That's what *I* thought! I think neither of them knew that, and though I'm sure Tom was thinking he was doing righteously - well, you know, Hanlan's Razor applies: "Never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity." The thing is, I did bring it up to Norman because I sort of *had* to, in the context of the flow of it, and when I quoted what Tom had said, Norman just grimaced, as in, already thinking how inappropriate it was. Really, I don't know what I'm worried about. The main thing is to just ride it out. Pretty soon it will all be over -- I just don't want to assume I've got it in the bag until it's actually in that bag, and tightly secured therein.
from musikoid :
poly, as in -- polyamorous?
from musikoid :
Funny how that happens. :)
from musikoid :
Empathy vs. sociopathy - what a combo. I don't have much to say except that I'm finding it interesting that the word "Empath" has come up twice in one day. I used it chatting with Echo by saying to her: "You're an empath" which led to a definition of it and a perusal of an Internet site pertaining. But I hadn't used that word in years. Then I read it in your diary. I do think that I am naturally empathic - I feel the pain of others, and I also identify strongly with things I haven't even experienced, as when they are expressed to me I feel the feeling of it as well as hear the words. However, because I took so much LSD, I developed a drug-related sociopathy that has tainted the purity of the empath. The same thing happened with my ex, unfortuately. If I have any more clarity on this, I'll report again later. It's interesting that it came up, and also interesting that I just recently had pink-eye for the first time since I was a seven year old boy in Virginia.
from musikoid :
Oh - I know! I was really embarrassed - and relieved. Good thing I didn't implicate the Resident Tweaker to anyone. I did mention something about it to one gal, Nicole, whom I met on the first day, when I enquired as to whether the apartments might be "over-run with tweakers." She told me on that day: "Moscow is a special place." Then today she said it's rare that one finds that kind of shit going on Up Here. She said in this town, you have to pretty much be actively looking for trouble, to find it.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jamie. Hope you get over your flu soon. :)
from musikoid :
That must be stressful, to have to constantly be concerned about losing your dogs.
from linguafranca :
Well, anxiety goes kind of hand in hand with autism too. So it's not necessarily either/or. I have quite a nice list of good articles and blogs at this point, let me know if you want a data dump. It has been especially illuminating to read things from the perspective of autistics, as opposed to neurotypicals' descriptions of autistic traits. For example I thought "well but I've never had an autistic meltdown", and then I read an autistic's description of a meltdown and was like ohhhh...oh I have. I just didn't know it.
from howlingwind :
Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. My mom always wants to discuss everything you are eating and then tells you everything you should be eating. Ugh. Sounds like an overall good trip. :-)
from whystinger :
We think alike
from whystinger :
I hope you feel better soon. I've not been around due to too much work travel.
from whystinger :
Sounds like Saturday was exhausting. Very nice of the two of you to go, they probably needed the support especially with Mr. Insensitive...
from linguafranca :
Vaguelanding. And making us nosy people very frustrated. ;)
from whystinger :
Wow, your update is fairly cryptic... but you are entitled to that. I did snoop on the blog and read a bit of the novel. I thought what I read was good and I may have to buy the book after I finish a few I have started. As for Maria, at times I thought I there may have been some chemistry, but that could be her nature or my longing for a decent relationship. She did have a caring manner about her, but occasionally I saw her eyes sparkle and I wondered... then figured it must be my imagination. Maybe it is just my joy of not having to worry about pissing off Honi. Life has been so much more pleasant, even missing the cats.
from whystinger :
By the way, I agree, my life is mine again and I am happier!
from whystinger :
Note... better left on email, if I remember
from cocoabean :
Maybe your aunt has early onset of Alzheimers or something like that.. sounds like a doctors visit is in order..
from whystinger :
Yes, the gay/bi guy sure does have a lot of issues. He is very intelligent, but very strange and had some boundary issues too. He means well most of the time, but can be super critical and judgmental, yet gets pissed if someone treats him that way. My transgender friend, on the other hand seems to be comfortable with who she is, her kids support her decision, but she sometimes "drops off the face of the earth" if too many hassle her. She was pretty upset a few years ago (and justified too) when her former brother-in-law started asking questions about her vagina and started acting aggressive. She sensed something bad about to go down and got the hell out of there. At one time I was really curious about her change (mainly why) but quickly just accepted her and lost the curiosity.
from whystinger :
I did not realize that Lucifer was called Morning Star. What a coincidence! I will be laughing at this for some time. Sorry to hear about the nightmares. Those always suck and are unnerving. As for rfb, she is projecting and is probably jealous that you are doing well. I am sorry that you have that to deal with. It is a shame she cannot be happy with how your life is going.
from howlingwind :
I hope your nightmares go away. Rfb is just projecting. I don't know I'm just making shite up. :-p
from cocoabean :
eh, just do what you want, and let rfb live with your decision.
from whystinger :
I am glad you are doing better. Friday was definitely an upswing. I left there on a pretty good high.
from whystinger :
How are you doing?
from whystinger :
I hope you are feeling better.
from whystinger :
I will agree with you about the eyes thing because I allegedly have blue eyes, but they have turned hazel over the years, except as "Honi" used to say, they turn blue with I bullshit (she called it lying).
from howlingwind :
Thanks for the messages. Just saying hi. Listening to some movie about becoming spiritual. What else is new? I hope you're enjoying your Sunday. :-)
from whystinger :
It figures... we have had similar experiences with probiotics. I first started taking them after sort of similar. I don't remember if I started taking them on my own (after reading The Yeast Connection) or if it was after a bad case of food poisoning, but it was while in NJ and when I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue. Part of it was allergies and here the allergies are a challenge too... I too, got my Mom to get on probiotics, years after some very serious colon surgery and when she finally listened, it made a difference. Time for me to get back on them!
from whystinger :
I don't know what happened. Feel free to erase the duplicates if you wish. Hopefully, this note will enter ONE TIME! ha ha ha
from whystinger :
I want to hear more about the resort. Think I need to live vicariously through a few people... Now I need to remember what I wanted to email you about - probably a bit about the resort... Ha.
from whystinger :
Well, YOU know I get lazy and procrastinate. I decided that credit goes to who it is due (you know I am too responsible to not) and this is a way of pushing myself to get off my as, FIX it and use the new one and CREDIT. Shit, I need to send you an email. As soon as I stop procrastinating a few other things... LOL
from whystinger :
Visited a resort, how awesome. I am happy for you. I have been told by a few that at those places, there is very little intimate contact and things are pretty "normal" except for the clothes and most of the experiences are just like you had. Good for you! As far as missing the "are they lesbians" entry - that was easy. I had tired out and finished the entry much later. With the neighbor, I knew the grill was not about the grill, but about something more. Later, I realized that because I did not let her in the house and she seemed to be pissed or not happy about it, she thought I had someone in there that I was banging. My intent was to just start to discourage the connection and to establish boundaries. It worked well, then I was gone the next weekend and she probably thinks I was away banging someone. Take care!
from minstrelite :
I hadn't checked the notes on this diary for a really long time, only on my other diary. So I got all three of the last three of your notes at once. It took a while, but I was able to match up which applied to what, and I'm sorry I didn't get back to you till now. Anyway, I figured you typed kind of fast, because you're able to put down a lot of words at once in your entries, sort of like me, I think. The brevity of some writers isn't so much stylistic as in a physical constraint; that is, they don't want to take the laborious time it would take to type out all their thoughts. Some think elaborately, some think concisely, but you and I both seem to think in such a way that connotes a fast typing speed. It's reflected in our styles. (I know, spacey comment of the year.)
from whystinger :
I should read yours. I have decided that once I get a bit caught up, I will resume more reading! Of all sorts.
from musikoid :
I know you're right about the weed, and ultimately it needs to be ditched. Right now it seems to be taking the edge off of a difficult time physiologically. But it's making it more difficult to get up the motivation to address difficult situations and make the needed changes.
from whystinger :
Yes, it was a nice dream. Really nice. I would sure like to revisit that one.
from lust- :
Thanks for the note. I had a feeling it may have been a mental issue and it's a bit of a relief to know that was probably the case. You never really know with people. I'm glad I didn't fall too hard for him. Would've been worse if it went on any longer, I'm sure. Anyway, thanks again! Have a good one!
from whystinger :
Yes. You had the right email. Yes, I am nosy. Oh, and THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from whystinger :
It was a long time ago, but I definitely listened to the dream. (this will sound crazy) I remember when I woke up I felt as God had spoke to me, I just had this very strong feeling "stay away from these false religious folks." At the time they were soliciting "love gifts" (money) and "partnering with them (again sending money). Ironic that shortly after the empire did start crumbling and Swaggert had his do to. The day that happened I had this feeling that someone was telling me all day "I told you so." After that dream/vision I got cable. Now I am not sure if I will or will go otherwise, like Apple TV or Netflix. I will watch for the email, not sure which one(s) of mine you have. I had to open a new one for the divorce, for more privacy and I use a about four different ones for different things. Don't check the main one often because every company I have done business with sends me shit... even when I unsubscribe. It is like junk mail, you can cut it down, but not eliminate it. shit, this will be longer, sorry :-) As far as for the search on OkCupid (not used it yet) and not knowing a lot about pansexual, but reading a bunch about gender and bisexual, I think more women identify with Bi more than not and more men with Pan, probably due to stigma and such (of Gay). I would think women would find you attractive because you are attractive. Don't rush it and don't get discouraged.
from musikoid :
i found your email and sent the new user-pass
from musikoid :
actually shoot me your addy again i'm late for work
from musikoid :
check your email -
from minstrelite :
I just got all three of your notes - I forgot I was on Minstrelite and not on Musikoid. I'm about like you on the typing, maybe a bit faster, between 80 and 120 somewhere. People always tell me they've never ever heard somebody type so fast, but they haven't heard this one other guy named Kit Wilder who types as fast as I do. He said his was 120, and if he wasn't exaggerating, that sounds about right. Sometimes they think I'm just messing around and not really typing, and I have to actually show them the text for them to believe it. I've also been known to fall sleep while typing and wake up still typing. I'm not sure what that says.
from whystinger :
LOL, I know. I was in a restaurant, banging away (well trying to) on my iPad and dinner arrived. I hit done so I wouldn't lose what I started and went back and added. Thanks for watching my back! I appreciate it.
from whystinger :
One of the things I was to mention what that I too, have hit a wall in motivation and I need to get it back. It has been a while since I ran and that usually makes it painful for the first week or two. Oh, and you look great in those pictures.
from whystinger :
I'm used to Honi cyber-stalking me and I sometimes get paranoid and don't post on FB. What I was going to say by your pic was that you are looking great. I can see the difference and it is really good! I need to get back on my exercise program and eat right.
from whystinger :
Congratulations for the inches lost. That is fabulous! I was going to put a comment on one of your pictures, but do not know if that was ok, plus I am not sure Honi is off FB. I think that is great (loss). I had a bit more to tell you but all of a sudden I have blanked out and need to sleep. Oh, the cigs. Yep bad stuff. I hope he quits and you don't go back to smoking. I did for a while and that was no help in my life.
from minstrelite :
I don't get the cravings on a physical level anymore. It will be 23 years this New Year's. But every now and then, the psychological obsession returns. Often, at a bus stop in the rain, there's something of an allure to the picture of a lone smoker standing there a-waiting -- but it's never so much as to get me to actually light up. Not to mention, I'd either have to buy or bum, and neither choice is acceptable to me. I've heard the words "spare a cigarette?" too many times in the past 4 1/2 years to ever permit them to proceed from my mouth. By the way, how fast do you type?
from cocoabean :
Cravings come back at the oddest moments.. and I'm not sure they ever stop completely. At least the craving isn't that strong after 30 years haha. The biggest downside to starting to smoke again is knowing that you will have to quit again. And the smell. Ick.
from musikoid :
I like the word clusterfuck.
from musikoid :
Check your email for the new user/pass. I was advised to change the user/pass because the password had gotten into the hands of somebody who should not be reading my diary.
from musikoid :
I love you as a friend as well, and I regret having flipped out so flagrantly. I also regret that I've not yet gotten to your journal, although I do remember the password now. I'm behind on everybody, just because there has been so much going on. About the Bible, I believe it has to be interpreted correctly; I also believe there are multiple interpretations on multiple levels; and that there are several different ways of interpreting it that cause every word in the book to appear to be true, even passages that are mysoginistic or anti-gay, which in my opinion are the worst parts of this most amazing book. If I can remember that those parts came exclusively from St. Paul, and not from Christ, it is helpful. Paul himself will qualify his statements as coming from himself alone, but he also will point out when it is that he believes his statements reflect divine revelation. It's an amazing book, and will always remain my favorite, even if only on a literary level. Some of the best poetry I have ever read is in the Bible, and it is regrettable that for political reasons it is no longer a part of standard academic teaching. I was fortunate enough to have a literature teacher who quoted the Psalms and the Song of Solomon frequently, so that even before I became a Christian, I knew the Bible to be an outstanding masterpiece. About Christ, you're right. God needed to become human (at least in part) in order to achieve empathy with the sentient aspect of his creation. Man simply could not have come up with a story so weird. But there are a lot of levels to this as well - perhaps we shall talk later. I get jazzed whenever I go to a Bible study, no matter whether liberal, conservative, exclusive, inclusive, or what-have-you. I simply love the Book. But loving the Book and loving God are two different things -- and God is MUCH MUCH MORE than just the Book. Thank you for your wise words.
from howlingwind :
Congrats on the 18 inches. Pretty awesome. :-)
from whystinger :
Sounds like you have been having a bang up time! Glad for you! Read back a few, on Mrs. Dash - good spice mix for a lot of things.
from musikoid :
I went without sugar for twenty days recently, and everything about me became better. In my case, I actually gained weight, because I started eating more good things, and not relying so much on "quick fix" sugar productions when I didn't want to hassle mustering up a decent meal. Plus my blood sugar level went back down and they no longer squawked about hypoglycemia or the risk of diabetes. Good luck on keeping up that diet.
from musikoid :
Yeah, that's what somebody else said, too.
from whystinger :
Easier this time = making life changes. Not worried about sculpting? I agree, keep the work up and that will enable you to sculpt when you want. I did a lot of waling in Puerto Rico and need to keep it up, in between running days. I need to re-arragne my life and possibly start my workouts in the morning, which will be difficult for me to do.
from whystinger :
your entry = fucking awesome!
from musikoid :
Actually, no I won't. I had decided this shortly after I left the note, but right now, I can't find the typos right off the bat, but I see what I wrote, and it's just really weird. I'll have to read your note again to see what I would have responded had I been in my right mind. Sorry about that.
from musikoid :
I'm extremely compelled to do a remake of my lengthy note due to the preponderance of typographical errors and similar related areas. I'm not sure if that's my ego, or if the note is truly as embarrassing as I suspect. In either case, expect a rewrite. Thanks, Jamie.
from musikoid :
I was just reading your note again. I read it a few days ago but hadn't yet responded. I just want to say, not only "thank you" for that, but also that this is a well thought-out perspective, and one from which I stand to gain if I can access this perspective with any facile or frequency. It is the search for the soul that is the utmost search of any man, I think -- or of any human being who somehow has been committed by the own volition to life in which spiritual growth or evolution was paramount, and was the undeniable object of all things -- despite rants or reservations to the contrary. Somebody once said that we make this decision before we are even born, if we make it at all. That's how deep it is - and everyone who makes this decision has to "wrestle with the Angel" -- the "Angel" in this context being Satan. That is not a Christian or biblical way of looking at things, but there's a certain sense to it. Throughout history, those whose lights have shined the brightest seem to have the biggest dark sides as well. But the search is born of the awareness that one only instantiates or approximates his soul, at very best, and that the assimilation of the entire soul as rasion d'etre is the only thing that makes for a happy death. So it drives one -- even if one thinks his death might be happier under some lesser set of conditions. That lesser set of conditions could never be manifested were one not identified completely with his true soul and not just with the unreasonable facsimile his intellect has offered in its stead. So put simply, no I am not my diseases as they say. But the diseases are there or a reason.
from whystinger :
Sorry you had a shit day too. In a way, it was comforting that I was not the only one. May we both has spectacular weeks coming...
from whystinger :
Sorry. Didn't mean to be cryptic.
from whystinger :
Was going to leave a note, but may email, may not. BTW, I will probably get your help in the template after the move when I have a good internet connection. Thanks!
from whystinger :
Oh, I will take you up on that offer. Move out date looms...
from howlingwind :
Ha - you should call his bluff and bring some random chick home saying you want her to be your piece on the side. See what happens. I'm just sayin. :-p
from musikoid :
I don't remember it - it was probably in my hotmail somewhere, but Microsoft zapped six years of emails (including work I'd saved in attachments) and I probably lost it then.
from musikoid :
do you have my user/pass these days? you may have it, if you wish . . .
from whystinger :
Rather than leave a message, I decided to either email you or message you...
from whystinger :
Congratulations on the book! I so want to read it. Just returned from TN and wondered how y'all were doing. Hopefully I will be back this time next month.
from cocoabean :
Hooray!
from howlingwind :
Yay!! Published Author!! Woot!!
from whystinger :
WOW! Excellent! I am glad O and you are working as a team, for some reason, that pleases me. I am happy about the book, the new writer friend and all. I don't care for homophobia, but at one time I was homophobic (years ago), until I learned. If I had enough to tell you, I would drop you an email. Cheers!
from whystinger :
Thanks for the wishes! I do vouch for Stepfordtart.
from stepfordtart :
Yeh, we good! Thanks everso :-) Im in now and a'snoopin' around! s x
from jaysthoughts :
Why?
from jaysthoughts :
Locked.
from stepfordtart :
Hello WW! If youre a friend of whystinger then you're automatically my bestie, too (sorry 'bout that!) - any chance of a pw/un? Would very much like to snoop in your diary. Wyatt! Vouch for me over here, willya? s x
from whystinger :
Nashville will be sometime in the 4th week of Sept so... Still, love to have a cup of coffee. I will be limited in time and will fly in this time. Also will be in Birmingham that week. I think Nashville is an amazing place too, along with Savannah. I have been mourning Savannah and I mourn losing Nashville. I will run one last time in Nashville. Twice now I have run (in different spots) by the River. LOVE THE PLACE! I believe O has probably changed. I believed Honi had changed and she did, but she slowly changed back. I was weary of the changes, because I detected that she was on best behavior. We were on another honeymoon phase and I could do no wrong. She behaved for over a year, but she was very conscious that I could move out. Now she is comfortable and is reverting back to controlling. Maybe it means I need to grow more. I regret letting her drop us out of couple's therapy, as that held her accountable. I am still pleased with your success in the marriage and I applaud you two. Congrats on what you mentioned today in the FB post. I am excited for you. Don't get discouraged, it is difficult for anyone to get published, unless you are famous. I have a feeling you will get that, but DON'T get discouraged. IT may take time. Usually it comes when you least expect. Hugs! Oh, and thanks!
from whystinger :
I'm glad you updated, good to hear what is going on. Before the upcoming change, I "lost" the Nashville location, but I get one chance to visit Nashville soon, part of a different project. I will miss Nashville too. I am pleased for you and O, hearing that things are very good. I hope and pray the remain so. While I am happy for you, I am also a bit wistful that I was not able to get my marriage in nearly as good shape. It does take two. You say you are mentally and emotionally healthier. That is so important. Are you still getting exercise? Sounds like it. I will say the pan-sexual thing took me a minute to get my head wrapped around. I think it was a further explanation and a small bit of research that helped me understand. I found the concept to be interesting. Glad things are well!
from whystinger :
The move will push things either way. Sad to be leaving this area, yet is may be a good break point. She is "hovering" like crazy. Getting so agreeable, in fact, she is now interested in going to my car club meeting with me. That is a first. How are you?
from whystinger :
The ad has not popped up again for me. Wondering what is up? Please see if it pops up for you again.
from whystinger :
I had the same ad pop-up on my page. Wonder if it is D-land or have I been hacked? Any ideas?
from linguafranca :
Oh, good. Relieved.
from cocoabean :
you could change the password and the contact email, and they would never get in that page again!
from whystinger :
You are online and not updating???
from howlingwind :
Lizards live in my back yard too. There were a bunch of baby ones running around for a while. You don't usually see those in the wild too often. :-)
from whystinger :
Thanks for the note. Something was definitely different with the couple's therapist. When she talked about Ob-Gyns dispensing anti-depressants, I was worried she was going to refer Honi to her Ob-Gyn but she did not. I did make sure to hold my tongue (listen without interrupting) and I did not argue with the couple's therapist. On a few occasions in the past, she mentioned me challenging her. Could it be I was different? Maybe. Something was different with her also, for sure. I was very glad she pushed for the psychiatrist.
from howlingwind :
I hope the job works out still. Bumdrag. :-(
from howlingwind :
Happy b-day!
from whystinger :
Sounds like things are well. Bravo!
from howlingwind :
Glad you're making new amigos/as :-)
from linguafranca :
Hey, awesome. Rock on, as they say.
from whystinger :
Thanks! It is an awesome trip.
from whystinger :
I do need to find my voice, that is why I wanted to go think & walk before I discussed going back to couples therapy. I DO need to say those things and soon.
from whystinger :
Wow! Awesome.
from whystinger :
Your input is always welcome.
from whystinger :
You have been busy! I hope all is well
from whystinger :
Wow! subconscious! Could be because this friend in the dream is/was friends with both of us. A double hit because I am realizing that I am getting tired of making the efforts that are not productive and have backed off of the trying. The friend is a trusted advisor, but not in relationships. Makes sense, as I have come to realize that while I do not want to be married to her, I do value her friendship.
from barank :
only two other users on line right now and you're both locked :-( what happened to diaryland?
from whystinger :
Ha! the "men are like chevys" comment came from the couple's therapist, the one you (rightly so) did not like. She had some other comment, but I forget exactly what it was.
from whystinger :
That was an EXCELLENT article! Truly. One of the best!
from whystinger :
Forgot to ask, was that article on CFL/LED one you wrote?
from whystinger :
Remember that entry, about almost swerving into a truck was from 16 years ago. Probably about 1997, before I took her to a psychiatrist. I don't know why I posted it, but I woke up, remembered it and HAD to post it.
from se7enchance :
I wish. I could read. Your diary.
from cocoabean :
I work with someone who eats very noisily, with her mouth open, and the short time I spend in the break room with her is more than enough! Ugh!!
from whystinger :
I hope you feel better soon and heal fast! Happy Thanksgiving.
from whystinger :
Hopefully I will catch you while you are on here... Yay for you and the job!
from whystinger :
Ha a ha ha ha ha ha... sorry, not trying to cyber sex. Still, thanks for making me laugh this morning!
from whystinger :
I now know that the loin came out to your pleasing! Smoking is awesome!
from whystinger :
Could it be growth?
from linguafranca :
Oh, you can do it! And it'll just get easier and more comfortable for you with practice/experience/familiarity.
from whystinger :
I think perhaps you are right. One is pretty overweight. I suspect that may have to do with itl
from whystinger :
The first two ladies were not dressed where it would show anything and I was not glancing that way. I just get curious and thought it was funny how I worried about it. I am not as well in touch with my body's hunger signals, so I think I need to start working with the hunger scale again. It did well before for me. Funny, but it works better for me when I am on the road and eat by myself. I have been having trouble making time for exercise and that doesn't help. Good to hear from you!
from whystinger :
Have you tried the hunger scale? I need to work with that more. I am still running and that helps. I find it easier to control my eating when I exercise. If you have an iPhone, there is an App. If not, then Google hunger sale. It helps if I log/journal what I eat and how hungry I am before during and after eating. Turns out I am out of touch with my body and feelings. Also, I have realized that part of my problem is I don't balance my diet well enough.
from whystinger :
Wow, no update since 9/16! Things must be busy! I know I have been. I hope things are well! (as I suspect they are)
from howlingwind :
Thanks for your support. I might take you up on it. I'm glad the wedding went so well. :-)
from linguafranca :
<3 I only wish I was watching Supernatural, though. J gets to somehow, though.
from cocoabean :
Yeah, I've been trying the smaller portions idea and cutting out the snacking.. I lost 5 pounds this week, but I think part of that was not eating so much fast food like I did when Dude was here (and I gained 5 lbs!)
from cocoabean :
All those little victories add up... good going!
from whystinger :
Sometimes I just have to veg and regroup. Sometimes that makes me depressed or reflective, especially. The regrouping helps.
from whystinger :
Now I have to figure out how to use my Kindle software and buy your new book and my cousin's book off Amazon! You must be having a great time since no updates! Bravo!
from whystinger :
What can I say, running has helped my boobs a lot - helped my "man-boobs" shrink.
from whystinger :
Losing weight is a trip. You starve and starve and don't lose, then one pigs out and weight is dropped. Weight Watchers counselor used to admonish "eat all your points" and when I did eat all my allotted points, I would drop. If I starved, no drop. Seems that if you go under a certain point (of consuming calories), your bod goes into conservation mode and you don't lost much weight. Also, if your eating habits are pretty rigid and you break them, it can also trigger a weight loss. I would stop eating burgers and fried, eat a set lunch every day. When I hit a plateau, I would go for burger and fries and then drop. Seems eating is sort of like exercise, you have to show your body something different. sounds good, except for Mange.
from whystinger :
Yes
from whystinger :
If you feel sexy, you ARE!
from linguafranca :
Well, the idea of everyone pitching in and helping maintain the home is not bad in principle...particularly if the burden of it would otherwise fall on one person (mom). It just turns out that asking over and over and passive-aggressive behavioral manipulation techniques are not the right ones to employ if you want results.
from linguafranca :
Yeah, I don't really get it either. I think she would _say_ someone should just do what's right for them, but at the same time she would feel any differences of her own very acutely. I mean, whenever J or BIL joke about me bring weird, she hastens to reassure me that of course I'm not. As if being weird is undesirable or something? Things are done how they are done and that's that. And if you think outside that box, danger! Someone might think you're different! Ah well. She does a much better job of working within the system than I do, because she is personally invested in it.
from zenayda :
Ah, people backing out. Yep, that's the issue with bidding sites, aside from their exploitative Third-World rates. If you're going through Elance, oDesk, and those folks, it's going to be an uphill fight. There is a writer who does a lot for her fellow scribes, Carol Tice. She has a blog and a newsletter called Make a Living Writing. I highly recommend them.
from howlingwind :
congrats on the employment :-)
from zenayda :
Hi Word! Sorry it has been a few days. I was out of town. Drop a line to beltway belle (one word) at yahoo dot com and I'll send you the combo. :-)
from linguafranca :
Squats are apparently a bit tricky to do right. I've been doing them wrong, too. Check out this post: http://www.alignedandwell.com/katysays/you-dont-know-squat/ and the follow-up one she links to too for details. I tucking pelvis is important. I'm still not sure I'm doing that right, but my butt hurt a little the other day so I guess that's a good sign.
from cocoabean :
that's zenayda. oops.
from cocoabean :
You really should read zenyada.. note her for the password!
from howlingwind :
Thanks. :-)
from whystinger :
Congratulations on the 7 lbs. you beat me. Shaky muscles! I love it. My core muscles were like that after the recent yoga class!
from whystinger :
What kind of people would set up a married man with a "date?" Not the kind of people I would want to hang out with. That is pretty creepy and over the top. That really is scummy. That says they don't feel a lot about you OR the lady they introduced him to or marriage. Long ago, that sort of happened to me. I was told she was "in the process of divorcing." I later learned that she pursued me, as a tool to get her out of her marriage. I found out they were only separated in the "eleventh hour" and figured out she was only using me. I have never talked with those people again and that was 25 years ago. I still regret it and still feel bad that I was a pawn.
from whystinger :
You don't really know what J told the woman that introduced him to their single friend. You have mentioned possible things affecting him (similar to Honi) so he may have not been as innocent. Yes, it does take two to tango and I don't have both sides of the story, but as my T pointed out, it is not always a two way street. One can have more effect than the other. I am glad you are not starving and are getting some exercise. You should be proud of your weight loss. I think you have me beat!
from whystinger :
Wow! tons of emotions come cascading to the surface. Do remain civil. Have that self respect and that will gnaw at him. It wasn't wasted time, but it sure feels like it. This was all part of it and it sucks, but still, that is how life goes and it hurts. This is how we are forged and while it sucks, that is life. Words are easy to come by, but hard to live by. Even if you found someone first and wanted out, if he beat you to the punch line, it would still hurt. I wish I could say something soothing, but I know not much will sooth. I just hope and pray I don;'t say something stupid that hurts more. I don't know what to say. While you are not eating as much, remember to exercise a bit and to eat a bit so that your body doesn't go into conservation mode. Peace.
from howlingwind :
sending healing vibes ~~~
from linguafranca :
::hugs::
from whystinger :
Our minds are like file cabinets of sorts. All the memories are packed away in there somewhere. Sometimes all it takes is talking to someone out of the past and we start to "find" or recover these memories. That can be very cool!
from whystinger :
Working on me is the best plan, like you say, if I stay or go. If it goes like it should, it should make things better (according to a few therapists) and help me stay. It may not do much according to my T (not the Couple's T). Either way, it is like the airline, I have to put my oxygen mask on first, before I can help her. I have realized she doesn't like when I take care of me.
from linguafranca :
Just saw your note re: Pollan. I was talking with J about this, and he clarified the objections a bit. Basically, no matter what the 'ideal' is (Pollan stipulates that EVERYONE should cook more), in reality the burden would fall disproportionately on women, who don't really need any more housework. Particularly single mothers, or those working A LOT and raising kids. They already have enough guilt foisted on them without being told they're failing by not cooking more. Same with domestic workers who cook for others (women of color, often). And finally, there are those for whom obtaining fresh food at all is quite difficult-- "food deserts" and all. Pollan frames it as a choice about what to do with one's leisure time, but that assumes one has some leisure time. But yeah, I tend to think everyone should cook more, and we should try to fix things so that everyone CAN. Not just tell them they're bad people if they don't (which is also what some people think Pollan does, I guess).
from howlingwind :
hmm - maybe watch a few episodes of the dog whisperer for some ideas? Dogs and donkeys maybe aren't that different? Okay - maybe a bad idea. Maybe don't be so nice and be more alpha donkey? Or disregard completely. Happy Friday and good luck. :-)
from linguafranca :
Well, you managed to make it sound kinda funny on FB. And here it wasn't funny at all. I think you should take to playing "Muleskinner's Blues" (Dolly, Jimmy, or Lux, your choice. Maybe all three) before you tend to him from now on.
from whystinger :
things sound better!
from linguafranca :
That all sounds very good to me.
from howlingwind :
Sending you good vibes for your attic cleaning/life changing project. :-)
from whystinger :
Gut feelings - I think we should listen more to our gut. In fact, that was one of the things I wanted to write about the other day but did not. I once worked with a guy who had an incredible gut feeling and was in-tiouch with it. I started to develop it when I worked with him oh-so many years ago. My therapist (the good one) says "it worked well for two million years keeping us alive - listen to it.
from linguafranca :
Aaarrggh. I'll say it again, for you this time.
from whystinger :
You will get through this... don't you hate when well meaning folks say that? How about: "This too, just like gas, shall pass..." I hate brown recluse spiders and black widows. Do use caution and take care.
from whystinger :
I'm thinking I wrote the note and must have never clicked done... Hugs.
from whystinger :
Did a note of mine disappear, was erased of did I not leave it? Maybe I emailed it... Anyway, I hate when someone tells me (wife) that my feelings are not valid. Your feelings are real, even though others may not feel them. I have missed something here too. HOpe I have the time to go back and read.
from linguafranca :
Whoa! I don't know whether to send congratulations or sympathies; it is what it is I guess. Can't say you didn't make an effort (at least as far as I can tell from way back here in the cheap seats).
from howlingwind :
'tis the year to end relationships that no longer work methinks! My BFF is once again trying to end the madness with the sleazy former hair plug salesman - maybe the mental health of the kiddo will finally be the incentive she needs. :-)
from cocoabean :
I know what I would say to an ultimatum like that.
from musikoid :
I just started reading you again, and that's great about your Uncle's response to the book you wrote.
from linguafranca :
I thought they looked like prairie dogs, but they were too small...but a prairie dog is a type of squirrel?! Mind. Blown.
from whystinger :
I love beer bread. I have a recipe, which I need to find, from when I moved out of the house.
from cocoabean :
Honesty is the best!
from cocoabean :
Sounds like my ex. Once he decided what he wanted to do, it didn't matter at all what I wanted. He once told me that he was compromising.. by letting me voice my opinion, but we were always going to do what he wanted. He didn't get what he wanted in the end though, because I left. It's nice to be able to decide things for myself, rather than be told what I will do with my life.
from howlingwind :
Thanks for your notes. I never did finish the court reporting class. Well, I just never got to the speed I needed and blah. Sigh. The visit with the relatives sounds like a good idea. :-)
from whystinger :
Read your note to me from 2/17. Part of it makes me say "WOW" (especially the part about questioning one's own sanity, been there too much over the years!). Then again, I shouldn't be surprised as we have discussed some of this before... I am not sure all with mental illnesses can tell when something is wrong, or they don't remember later. I know when I suffer from depression, I don't usually know until it has fucked with me for a while. for me it builds slowly. I have been taught "they may know, but not be able to put their finger on it." I have also been taught the reasons some do not take their meds. You've read before where I say I am lucky, because my wife always takes her meds. Yet, problem is, there are things she can do to help reduce her dependence on the meds, yet she doesn't do them. While it is difficult for me to understand this, I also experience a bit of that. I think lately I am circling the toilet of depression. A bit of sleep and exercise would help, but I don't always do the exercise (like lately) and I find I CRAVE the exercise, so I know my body is calling for it. It can be a vicious circle and easy to get caught up in. Thanks for the message, it has me THINKING!
from whystinger :
I do understand the frustrations with mentally ill not taking their meds. I can see it being a REAL BIG problem for those with BPD and Narcissism. I also knew a person with Bi-Polar disorder who LOVED the manic feeling and loved to try to toss the dice and stop the meds, hoping for a manic episode. Instead, usually he would get a depression... Of course, not taking the meds can cause more damage and MORE mental illness. He ended up being very ill and killing himself as he stopped the medicine hoping to catch a manic episode... I wish my wife would go to a psychiatrist to re-do/re-check her meds. I suspect she could use an adjustment. Also, with all her medical problems, I believe she may have some reactions to the meds...
from whystinger :
All I can say is WOW! Beautiful email, but also hit me a bit. I see similar in my situation. I'll read again and email back. It seems as if Honi is jealous of my faith at times or jealous of the church. there are much worse places I could spend time. Sometimes I used t feel that she was isolating me..
from whystinger :
A beautiful day to you as well. I would love to hear about the spiritual journey, only if you wish to share. Peace to you and thanks!
from cocoabean :
You had a sex change??
from howlingwind :
12/21/12 Well - I can offer up the good 'ol - sorry woman. That sucks. It does feel better to vent in the online diary for some reason - I guess it's the "if a tree falls in the forest effect" or something. Don't feel bad about venting in here. Maybe I get too pollyannish sometimes. I'm full of it. Your man sounds complicated. :-/
from howlingwind :
Sorry woman. I have doubts about my man too at times. I feel like he doesn't really know me and my demons and wouldn't like me so much if he did.
from howlingwind :
11/20/12 - The Kevin Clash thing is a serious downer. I showed my friend Deb that documentary and then she did a presentation about him to her students/their parents in a "model of excellence" thing at her open house night. He seems like a sensitive soul and probably won't take this humiliation very well. Sad.
from howlingwind :
11/7/12 - Congrats on the interview with Mr. Anonymous.
from linguafranca :
Hah! True, true...happy to say that she does not do that!
from linguafranca :
It was sort of a 'modern' (1940s?) churn with a glass canister, metal paddle that turned with a crank. No musty old wooden thing. But still.
from howlingwind :
Dland has turned into the land that time forgot so I don't blame you. I'll probably go back on Fbook someday, but I'm just not ready for that yet. Happy thoughts for you. :-)
from howlingwind :
10-13-12 Lizard Lick Towing? He isn't watching it only because he doesn't know about it. Hopefully he'll never find out. My lips are sealed.
from linguafranca :
No, apparently I don't get any slack or excuses. Must remember to always tiptoe preciously and wear my Cloak of Insincerity.
from howlingwind :
8/31/12 - Sorry your relative is such a ninny. As I read this e-mail for some reason I hear Justin Timberlake singing "Cry Me a River". Erg.
from linguafranca :
You're actually not that easy to find on FB. Your name is shared by many.
from howlingwind :
8/16/12 - Congrats on the skateboarding skills :-)
from linguafranca :
Awesome! You go, girl!
from linguafranca :
LOL. If only I'd discovered earlier how simple it was to really alarm people!
from linguafranca :
Hah! Aww, you're sweet. Yes, please pull her hair for me when you see her. (I find her kinda scary, too, truth be told. Her mean face is very mean!). I really don't blame the mother-- they've been having problems with disrespectfulness, and she's been trying out various solutions but they haven't especially been working. I think she's jealous of mom's attention. All I can say is, I haven't a clue about 6 year olds, but if Q is like that when she's 6 I may have to reconsider the homeschooling thing. Power struggles all day every day? No thank you.
from linguafranca :
Concussion, not funny. Concussion from falling in Zumba class? Extremely funny. I'm sorry, but it is. I can't imagine him being mad unless phone call or text gets noticed by a jealous S.O. and creates a problem. Nor can I really imagine him not remembering (though he may pretend to if necessary to keep domestic peace with aforementioned SO). I can imagine that the pain of the situation has faded in time, he's made whatever adjustments were necessary to reconcile the event with his self-concept. You may get a "What? That was YEARS ago!" That's the worst I can imagine, personally.
from linguafranca :
He sounds like a really decent person that your age mattered at all to him. Lots of men wouldn't have that hangup. And it was courageous of you to tell the truth, even if it was later than you wish you had. Lots of 15 year olds wouldn't have managed to do that.
from howlingwind :
The elephant is cute :-) Looks like he's smiling - maybe it's the tusk. My yard needs help. It's getting crunchy.
from linguafranca :
Now THAT I would 'like'. Saw another one yesterday that made me shudder: "Who wants to hug Jesus today? 'Like if you want to hug Jesus!". Really?
from linguafranca :
I'm pretty sure it's never appropriate.
from linguafranca :
Ha!
from linguafranca :
Oh, they really do mean well, but as J puts it, not only do they have a very different set of preferences from me, they somehow have failed to notice that fact and continue to make assumptions that they really oughtn't. BIL is more of a pip, but it's hard to tell when he's trying to be ironic or not. J assures me I should just ask when in doubt, and take his inquiries as genuine questions in good faith. I just get weary at the end if a week with them.
from linguafranca :
Oh, that sucks. Glad no glass shards ended up embedded in you, and no electrocution took place. Unrelatedly, still have not cashed your check. The family coming in distracted me. Sorry for being annoying like that. First thing when we get back.
from whystinger :
Why is it that those people who are horrible parents, neglectful parents and otherwise shouldn't have kids can get pregnant so darn easily and pop out kids so easy? We have that in our extended family and it always makes me scratch my head and wonder. Did a bit of catching up with you, sounds like you are well. That makes me happy.
from linguafranca :
Yeah, I have the #, but Indiana will only mail it to the address listed on the license. We're reaching the end of our mail forwarding, for one thing, and they make you swear that that is your current residence on penalty of perjury, so. I guess I'll take the tests. :)
from linguafranca :
Ha! She did already ask about whether there was going to be a blue clothes ban like there was for pink. Luckily J fielded that question.
from linguafranca :
Yeah, I used to do it that way. Well, not with duct tape. I had stretcher bars with window screen stapled across. But a papermaker friend of mine told me about the pour method-- she uses a deckle with higher sides, I guess it's easy to get the right amount of pulp that way and control thickness better. Plus less waste of pulp, which is important to me now with my labor-intensive methods.
from linguafranca :
Sent you an email! This is not to rush you in any way, but I just wanted to make sure my email didn't get nabbed by your spam filter and you were there thinking I was ignoring you.
from linguafranca :
Yes, I know that intellectually-- and J always tells me the same thing. It's how the good ideas get kept and I learn new stuff. Plus it feels good. But I have boxes of old things that I never wear and no one will ever buy or want...those are a check on my creativity. The problem of leftover art. I don't know how painters or sculptors deal with it. At least my stuff is small!
from howlingwind :
4/24/12 - I'm glad your b-day was fun :-) We have an automatic litter box machine and my cat likes to attack it. Haha. She phunnie.
from linguafranca :
Oh, yeah! That would be awesome. Even if you didn't change anything about it other than the voices, it would be very effective.
from howlingwind :
Happy B-Day!!! Don't let anxiety get the best of you. :-)
from linguafranca :
Well, I love bubbles, but she chases a few and then that's it. She can't blow them yet, she just sticks the wand in her mouth and licks off the soap. *shudder* I keep letting her try, but she hasn't caught on yet.
from howlingwind :
3/21/12 - Sorry for all of the drama. Mental illness is bad. :-(
from vicunja :
Flippin' heck! I am so, so, so, so sorry to hear what's been going on! I hope things have calmed down and I hope you and yours are all safe. I am of course like yourself particularly concerned for your nephew. Poor sweetheart being caught in all of this. Sending you heaps of hugs. x
from linguafranca :
Aaigh! I don't even know what to say. Just, aaigh! Hard to know where to go from there.
from linguafranca :
Yeah, I was hoping it would resolve itself in time, but the doc says there's already a lot of gum deformation happening-- not visible from the front, but pretty bad anyway. So we may have to move things along more quickly than any of us want. :(
from whystinger :
I am so happy for the two of you to be making progress. Seems odd at times, doesn't it? A few out there criticize us for trying and sticking with it. As far as why no kids? I think because of the Sis, God knows you will be a rock for the nephew and have made an important impact in his life. Hugs
from cocoabean :
I hope the positives between you and O continue to grow.... sounds like you are both working hard on it!
from linguafranca :
I'm sorry it's all flared up on you at once. I hope it passes soon. Hang in there.
from linguafranca :
The fudgery sounds good. The cashew thing sounds like a cousin to a praline. Yum.
from whystinger :
I do hope that 2012 turns out better for you.
from howlingwind :
1-5-12 Sorry you're feeling down. I'm feeling like I'm not doing what I should be doing these days. Mostly I'm feeling confused I guess. Things seems pointless. Anyhoo - I hope things get better for you. :-)
from linguafranca :
LOL. I'm sorry to say, not as busy as you might think, given the results. We're just very effective, apparently. ;)
from peggypenny :
it would be fun to meet you. i use to keep all locked up too. i was all worried about my copyrights, didn't want someone to steal my work... that kind of thing. but i gave up being afraid of someone stealing my work. fact is, they are going to steal my work no matter what because they are thieves. be brave, wordwhore! Let it all hang out on diaryland. haha. Sincerely, Peggy Penny
from linguafranca :
Thanks! We'll see. Cross your fingers for me!
from linguafranca :
And yet, I like to think if we were to have a phone conversation, it wouldn't be SO bad. I think knowing that everyone feels awkward leads to an understanding environment which results, counterintuitively, in reduced awkwardness. Or maybe it would be just as bad. Who knows.
from cocoabean :
Wow! I guess the time apart was good for both of you!
from cocoabean :
I suppose it really wouldn't be nice to drop him off a couple miles from work and let him walk. Heh.
from cocoabean :
Kind of like the Depot's inside motto... Do the right thing.
from howlingwind :
8-29-11 I'm glad things are looking up for you. :-)
from howlingwind :
Sounds rough. Sending you good vibes. :-)
from linguafranca :
Yikes! I hope she takes a nap soon. (That wasn't meant to be flippant, even though it may have sounded that way.)
from cocoabean :
Awwww I'm so sorry..... *hugs*
from howlingwind :
6-28-11 Sorry about your kitty friend. It's always hard to lose our furry friends.
from cocoabean :
I'm so glad she has you to ease her way through this life...
from vicunja :
I'd been just as frassled by such news. I'm sorry you feel like you've fucked up your life. I wish there was something I could say. Wishing you better and brighter days. x
from cocoabean :
I got it, and added you as a friend. Woot!
from cocoabean :
There is a fledgling company for ebooks called readwritego, if you can manage something book length. It is run by the same person you got the writing sites from.
from linguafranca :
Oh, yeah. Been there. NO, you weren't crazy. Just living in a world he created where he wanted you to think you were.
from linguafranca :
HA! (The bit about the cat poop is, alas, actually relevant to us, as you know-- I bet they'll wait to poop on the floor until after we have left, 15 minutes before the potential buyers arrive to look around).
from linguafranca :
Yeah. Don't tell J I said this, but in many ways, Memphis sucks.
from howlingwind :
4-24-11 Congratulations on your page view success!! :-)
from cocoabean :
Yay!!! And to think, we 'knew you when'!
from cocoabean :
You are awesome!
from cocoabean :
Happy Birthday!
from linguafranca :
Ah! So glad you liked it! I think there was some Swahili in it, too. Thank you for watching it-- I feel better now. :)
from whystinger :
Her name wasn't Lisa, was it? Acting like that, imagine how many repeat customers she will have... like NONE!
from minstrelite :
I don't even think they had the Ten Commandments in public schools when *I* went to school, which was probably at least fifteen years before you did. Weird thing for her to say.
from linguafranca :
Well, we were visiting her, but yeah. I think she thinks she's doing us a favor. It is less work, but I feel weird about it anyway. She also looked truly alarmed when FIL put some dark things in with whites-- I said, "One wash isn't going to turn them grey, trust me", and she said, "Well, I hope not!" as if she really weren't certain. She may have actually never done that before! It's a good thing J normally does our laundry, she'd probably have a heart attack seeing how I do it when left to my own devices (throw it all in together and wash it all on cold). Heck, seeing how I do it is WHY J does our laundry. ;)
from whystinger :
You're just figuring out that people suck and can be rude??? LOL. As far as having trouble sleeping and getting back to sleep and since you have been having headaches, try a thing perhaps. Sometimes not getting to sleep or getting back to sleep indicates a shortage of magnesium in one's body. Either eat some foods rich in magnesium or try Peter Gillham's Natural Calm. It is a powdered magnesium supplement. First time the dietitian at the health food store suggested it, I poo poo-ed the idea. I tried it and I am a believer. So when you get one of those late night calls and cannot get back to sleep, try this stuff. I usually go through a pattern of a lack of sleep for a few days, or restless sleep. About the headaches, do you have allergies? I do and mine are in high gear, so I have to do all that extra crap - sinus flushes with a neti-pot, wash or at least rinse hair before bed, meds and eye drops
from whystinger :
Sure... you are just excited because he is a potential reader... LOL just kidding! hugs to you, glad you enjoy the nephew! Sounds like he needs you in his life.
from howlingwind :
Thanks for your note :-) My BF thinks I'm going to leave him for Craig! Ha. Have a good weekend :-)
from cocoabean :
You enjoy teaching, so it stands to reason your students enjoy learning!
from cocoabean :
Yeah I frequently think of what I'd like to say to some customers... but I need my job!
from cocoabean :
It's always nice when the drama doesn't involve you. It's pretty entertaining!
from linguafranca :
Hadn't heard of the baking soda trick, but when I looked it up on Gardenweb, sure enough a couple of people there mentioned it, too. About a quarter teaspoon? I'll give it a try-- I boiled/drained the rind three times, but I know it's still going to be bitter.
from whystinger :
Great concept - must pass a test before procreating. Conceiving a child is something practically everyone can do, even if they are incompetent in the care and raising of that child. While some would say regulating that is against those people's rights, I think something needs to be done in many circumstances, like the Mom who killed her own kids, or allowed her live in boyfriend to abuse and later kill her babies.
from cocoabean :
If it was bad enough that he doesn't remember, it must have been pretty severe. But... what kind of mother would allow the beatings to continue? Jeebus.
from linguafranca :
Amen! I think you should post it-- not that it'll do any good, but it'd be fun. What's the worst that can happen? He'll de-friend you? ;P
from minstrelite :
Let me leave you the info in a Facebook message (so nobody sees it in the public notes arena.)
from howlingwind :
12-16-10 I agree with the not pretending to like someone when you don't like them. Sometimes I feel bad about it, but not as bad as I do having a lame fake conversation with them. But that makes time with "The Queen" sister-in-law quite awkward. :0) Oh that confounded Orange feller.
from linguafranca :
Maybe you should shower less often.
from whystinger :
So neither of us are spending much time here.
from whystinger :
Things can change when someone is in "need." Take Honi for example. I was worried about her taking care of some things before I left. My T said "just watch and you will see. Do not interfere, just sit back and watch. You will be surprised at how she takes care." Maybe that will happen with your Dad. Perhaps you need to let him struggle for a while and see if he kicks it up a notch.
from whystinger :
I think the cheating thing is more of a fantasy. After all, that would be breaking one of my personal vows and definitely would cause me more anger.
from vicunja :
I agree with cocoabean - you don't have to be happy, but you don't have to look after him, either. Look after you, first. x
from cocoabean :
You don't have to be happy about it, but you also don't have to do it. If no one can "take care" of him, and he needs that much care, then maybe he should be in a group home/assisted living of some kind.
from cocoabean :
Either that or you watch too many crime shows. I was thinking the same thing!
from linguafranca :
It's a great idea! I could use a few of those myself. I'm just not sure how to seal in the lettering so that it won't get waterlogged or fade in the sun too much. Makes me wish I were a potter. Or a stonecarver.
from linguafranca :
Yeah. I don't know how often it results in death, but surely willy-nilly minor electrocution can cause at the very least, pain, maybe some damage, and possibly a trip to the emergency room (inconvenient and costly!) I can't believe I feel like I need to defend myself! (we do have socket covers on most of them, except the one in her room where there's a nightlight plugged in and a 3-way splitter that we haven't gotten one for yet. This is usually the one she goes after.) Thanks for telling her about the nap. Apparently she doesn't listen to you, either. ;)
from howlingwind :
9-27-10: Strep throat sounds pretty craptastic. I hope you start feeling better soon. :-)
from linguafranca :
I'm so sorry about your kitty. Losing a pet is a special kind of pain. :(
from whystinger :
Good luck on the trip and Godspeed. I am sorry to hear about your cat. They truly become part of a family and it is hard to have to say goodbye. I think part of the reason I came back and try to work things out is I missed the cats... Is that messed up or what?
from howlingwind :
9-20-10 Good luck in the lone star state. Don't let Texas mess with you.
from whystinger :
Time for an update girlie...
from talktogod :
I'll be praying for your trip to Texas.
from howlingwind :
Sorry your semi-ex man is being such a duty head. I hope you can get your stuff back. :-)(8-6-10)
from linguafranca :
Well, now i know what bait to deploy if I ever need to bend you to my will. Oddly enough, I've never cared for snickerdoodles, despite the fact that logically speaking, I should very much indeed. Maybe I've never had really good ones.
from cocoabean :
Have you gone to add/remove programs (in the control panel) to look for it there?
from talktogod :
Praying for some peace in your life...
from linguafranca :
:(
from talktogod :
My heart hurts for you.
from linguafranca :
Geez, I go away for a couple weeks and miss all the squash action.
from talktogod :
Thanks a lot. Now I want cake. *drool*
from talktogod :
It's going to take a while, but I figure that eventually, as the economy continues to suffer, customer service will return as a reality. Companies have had it so good for so long that they really didn't have to worry about keeping customers satisfied. I think they will find that that will soon change. Unless we become socialist, in which case it won't matter.
from cocoabean :
ooooo I love squash! What kind were they?
from talktogod :
We have a local farmer's market we like, but it's more like a small grocery store that just sells produce. I would like to visit a place where the individual farmers actually sell their produce in booths like that.
from talktogod :
*hug*
from talktogod :
What?? Sugar has SUGAR in it?? Gah. Hee. Hey, we've been making recipes from the SparkPeople site. There are THOUSANDS!! And some of them are really good, too. And...as of today, I've lost 20 lbs!! Go ME!!!! Heh. And I have YOU to thank for that, you know! So...THANK YOU!! <3<3<3
from vicunja :
I hope you'll take me with you if you do decide to change venue. Still thinking of you and sending you strenght. x
from whystinger :
Wow. Heavy. I think I will respond in an email. You and Orange will be in my prayers. You both are moving forward. It is easier to make changes when people are moving forward. Regardless of what you do, I think it will be for the better.
from talktogod :
If you start a new one, I hope you let me know. Praying for peace for you. Take care.
from vicunja :
Oh sweetheart - I am so, so sorry! I hope your heart will heal and that there will still be room left to dream, hope and eventually love. Sending you hugs.
from talktogod :
HUGS!!!!
from cocoabean :
*hugs*
from linguafranca :
Courage.
from cocoabean :
do you have a stats tracker? that can help you pin down where your readers are from....
from whystinger :
"The Wordwhore is not allowed" sounds depressing if you ask me... ;)
from talktogod :
Aw...Hehehe. The wordwhore is TOO allowed!
from linguafranca :
Hah hah, thanks. I am good at cooking fruit. I just suck at business, I guess. And doing things on time.
from talktogod :
I don't think it's cowardice. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
from whystinger :
Progress. That is sort of how I left. Feels like cowardice, but it is not.
from talktogod :
I don't think you're whiny. Well, no more than I am, hahaha...But Facebook has kind of taken me away from my "day-to-day" blogs. The only one I keep up with regularly anymore is my devotional journal.
from linguafranca :
If you don't find it useful, then you don't-- but don't worry about what readers think. It's not for us, it's for you. (You can tell, I've long since ceased to worry much about whether people will find me boring).
from talktogod :
I'm praying for everyone over there.
from vicunja :
Gosh, Wordy - only just seen this! Hope you and yours are all well and that the water soon goes. x
from linguafranca :
I don't understand why they aren't reporting this-- I know that between the oil spill and the Times Square bomb attempt, there's plenty of news to cover, but still. Even what I have heard (NPR) has been centered on Nashville-- I had no idea the damage was so widespread. Yikes.
from howlingwind :
Happy birthday :-) I'm turning the big three five in December, so I feel your pain. Have some yummy cake.
from howlingwind :
I'm glad your mom is doing well. Sorry things are so busy. :-)
from whystinger :
Prayers and hugs. I am glad she is doing well.
from linguafranca :
Glad she''s doing well! Hope she contintes to recover smoothly.
from vicunja :
I'm so, so glad it went well, Wordy! Sending your mum a speedy recovery! x
from talktogod :
Praying for your Mom.
from talktogod :
That's almost as bad as getting the whole entry almost typed and hitting the wrong combination of buttons on the stupid computer and erasing the entire thing. Usually, after that, I just scream and say "screw it." LoL...
from whystinger :
We're online at the same time. How are you feeling? I hope better.
from whystinger :
I hope you are feeling better. I am not totally sure of what procedures went on, wisdom tooth removal? Anyway, that pain seems abnormal, so get it checked. The term "dry socket" comes to mind. Also, if they used a lot of Novocaine, that sometimes causes fluid retention in the jaw muscles. An old dentist had me exercise my jaw before the novocaine wore off, which helped with the soreness. Please take care.
from talktogod :
I'm glad you're finally able to get that taken care of.
from linguafranca :
Yay! down with bad teeth, up with good dentists.
from whystinger :
Actually, I prefer non-blondes, but wonder what you would look like as a blonde. Send a pic anyway!
from talktogod :
Interesting review. I've been wanting to see that movie. I probably still will, but the warning is nice. I hate when they put all the funny bits in the previews.
from linguafranca :
Yeesh, yeah. Well, my father in law is a pediatrician, and mother in law is very involved in the Back To Sleep campaign...if they caught wind of me doing anything else, they'd have my head. They're very convincing. :)
from linguafranca :
What can I say, I'm really sorry for your continuing pain. Dental pain is the worst. I hope you can get it resolved soon.
from whystinger :
Oooo, send a picture of a blonde you...
from talktogod :
Hope you can get your teeth fixed. And thank you SO much for your prayers and suggestions. It means a lot...I also signed up for that Spark thingy. We'll see if I can keep up with it. It looks very cool. Thanks for that.
from whystinger :
I spent a few minutes reading today. I really need to spend some time and catch up with you. Email me about the truck problems if I can help.
from talktogod :
OMG, I LOVE Thursday Next!! You should also read his "Nursery Crimes" series...very funny!! Or should I say, "punny?"
from linguafranca :
J loves the Jasper Fforde books! Haven't read them yet myself-- perhaps now is the time.
from cocoabean :
yippee!
from howlingwind :
Congrats on the crafty promotion thinger. Sounds like it should be fun. Don't let that fruity man get you down. :-)
from talktogod :
Stop thinking those things! You do have something to offer, and you are a very compassionate, caring person. At least from my perspective. Don't let his actions/reactions take that away from you. I know those giant holes in the chest take some time to heal. Sometimes I can still feel the one from over 25 years ago. But then I realize that the hole is no longer there. It is filled with something greater and more beautiful.
from sweet-dark :
It did indeed ^^ Thankyou oh wise one :)
from sweet-dark :
Thanks! I think it worked ^^;; hope so...
from sweet-dark :
Hello! Haven't talked for a while ^^ I was just wondering if you could tell me how to lock my diary?? I think someone who shouldn't have found out about it so i need to keep it under the radar for a while ^^;;
from talktogod :
"Popsicle." Hee.
from talktogod :
Oh, dear. I hope you can get your stuff. And....Happy New Year, anyway. Don't know about you, but I'm hoping '10 will be much better than the last two.
from linguafranca :
HA!
from talktogod :
Ahahaha...that story was hilarious!! How awkward!!
from talktogod :
I hope you feel better soon!
from talktogod :
No fair getting sick again!! Man. Get better, k?
from vicunja :
Happy birthday RFB! And sweet Wordy, please feel free to come and make me just such a cake for my b-day in 20 days time! ;)
from linguafranca :
Not from writing, and not a high exactly, but when I'm immersed in making something for the joy of it, driven to finish, it's a sort of meditation when everything else gets closed out and time goes away. Glad you found that space for a while.
from linguafranca :
Or you could follow Bartleby the Scrivener's lead: "I would prefer not." Glad to hear your tooth got taken care of, by the way. I've never had an abcess, but I did have a bad cavity in my wisdom tooth once and it was miserable.
from talktogod :
Thank goodness that's over!
from vicunja :
I hurt just reading that! You poor, poor, brave woman! Lots of hugs and hope you feel better soon! x
from cocoabean :
Phew! Glad that's over!!
from talktogod :
Agree. Prayers all around!
from talktogod :
I'm with you on the teeth issue. Heck with that.
from cocoabean :
I suppose they can do that with just your name and birthdate, but there are privacy issues there. I know attorneys are expensive, but sometimes they are worth it.
from cocoabean :
It is a long time, but you have to go with how you feel... without trust, there isn't much of a relationship....
from vicunja :
(((((((((Wordy))))))))) Oh hon, what an ordeal! I'm glad God found you - I expect he spends quite a lot of time trawling hospital corridors, so was probably quite close by anyways, but nice of him nonetheless to nip in and keep you company! Now, if you need me to have a word or two with O, just hollar! x
from cocoabean :
glad you are out and home where recovery is at least a little easier. Hang in there!!
from linguafranca :
Oh no! Hope you're recovering and will be out of there soon...
from cocoabean :
Bummer! Hope you recover quickly!!
from talktogod :
Oh...ow...ow. *hugs*
from whystinger :
I hope you feel better.
from linguafranca :
Yeah, I suppose charging more is what I'll have to do. It just seems a little high to me, but then I don't buy cards all that often. Well, I'll give it a try.
from vicunja :
*deep sigh* I'm glad you're not a gullible fool and I can't believe they've tried you on like this... My head gets tired just reading all this and I don't think I'd be able to deal with any of this - the whole situation, not just this latest issue with Orange - the refinance - as well as you have. Anyways, lots of hugs and hopes for a future full of love for you. x
from whystinger :
Do NOT sign that POA. You have a right to be suspicious and feel insulted. Think of this: there are a lot of people who would sign that without question. Even if it is only used for the house, it is still a fucking. Be very careful.
from cocoabean :
you go, girl!
from linguafranca :
Ugh. Good luck. I know I don't need to tell you this, but stand your ground!
from cocoabean :
It sure seems like they are up to something, that's for sure. Definitely do NOT give them power of attorney! Do you have any friends that are attorneys? It might not hurt to have an attorney send O a letter, just to give them a good scare... in fact, a lawyer might just be a good idea... but if you hold your ground, and keep copies of all the stuff they send you, it should make a good case for you in the end!
from talktogod :
I can't remember when the last time I tried to make "real" oatmeal was. I know my mother made it all the time when I was a kid. I confess to using the lazy way now, whenever I want some. That Quaker "cinnamon and spice" instant is really good.
from cocoabean :
When the bank calls, tell them you will call back in a few minutes, then check to make sure the phone number actually belongs to a bank, or his cousin can just pretend to be a bank officer. Be very careful!
from talktogod :
Even if I did know his name, I wouldn't be doing that. None of my business. I might throw my thoughts your way from time to time, but I'm just not the kind of person to reach out to a total stranger and say, "Hey, you need to do so and so..." The constant tension and stress you must be feeling hurts my heart for you, though.
from linguafranca :
hahah-- yeah, it does look about as much like a garden as your average freshly dug grave. Well, almost as much. The troublesome link: go to the French Paper site, click on the "PopInk gifts" link, then "note acrd sets", then scroll all the way to the bottom to find "Stranger Manger" (second to last item, I think you'll know it when you see it although I'm not sure it's worth all this trouble).
from linguafranca :
Hmm...it worked for me. Try copy/paste this: http://www.frenchpaper.com/results.asp?image=9208&wwwflag=9&imagepos=57 It is a delight.
from cocoabean :
Writing for pay rocks! Congrats!!
from linguafranca :
Congratulations on the custom order! :)
from whystinger :
Grrr... and I was looking forward to reading it.
from whystinger :
That cousin stuff could be impending divorce, or not... Most of the lawyers I spoke to encouraged reconcillaiation before divorce. Also, the pastor may push him towards reconcilliation. That is what the two different pastors we worked with did. In fact, I would be single now if Honi didn't go to our pastor... This will be an interesting ride for you.
from whystinger :
Well, I am not from there, so it sure wasn't me... Hey know any good bars for me to visit there???
from cocoabean :
It sounds to me like he is getting "counseling" to make him look better in case of a divorce...
from whystinger :
OMG, my Mom says the same thing about me...
from talktogod :
And here all this time, I thought that always wanting to be alone WAS normal. Huh. I guess I'm not normal either. Oddly, my wife and I don't have many friends. We like being with each other, but when she's not home, I would rather be alone than with others. I don't have "guy" nights. I have never desired to do anything like that. Mostly because I don't like "guy" things. Heh. We don't hang out with friends much. We do have some. And a few times a year, we might have a gathering at our house. But not like my Mom and Dad, who played Canasta EVERY weekend with their best friends when I was a kid. Which, by the way, was very boring for me because I was the only kid in the mix!
from talktogod :
Don't be so hard on yourself. There are some things that we don't have a lot of choice in, and one of those is our personalities. I'm more and more coming to accept that I am who I am, and part of that is what my parents were, too. It's those darned genes (not the denim kind), and you can't change those. We all need to focus on the things that we do have choices about. I don't always make the best choices, either, but tomorrow is a new day. Every day is a new day. Gah. Maybe I need to start writing greeting cards...
from talktogod :
I was 31 when my parents were my age. My oldest has yet to reach 21. I feel your pain. Or age. Or something...fret not, though. We all have our own place to bloom, and our own purpose in life. Geez, I sound like a Hallmark card.
from linguafranca :
Music and molasses festival! Sounds like fun. I love molasses. Sorghum, blackstrap, you name it. (Also music, but that's easier to come by). Enjoy your yarn!
from talktogod :
I realize you weren't necessarily talking about public speaking, but just being able to put words together verbally...I just used public speaking as an example. I stumble all over my words sometimes. It's weird. It's like there's a short circuit between the brain and the mouth, or in my case, sometimes no connection at all. LoL!
from talktogod :
That quote made me laugh out loud! I didn't see that coming at all. Also...there is a vast difference between being able to write and speak. I can write decently. I cannot speak publicly to save my life! Unless I have a guitar in my hand and my "speaking" has a melody.
from whystinger :
I am sorry to hear about the anemia. I was going to say "find a good female Ob/GYN, but you have tried that... You have bad luck with doctors, therapists and such. I wish I had something that I could do to help...
from whystinger :
Fire ants - I just hate the little bastards! An old country boy and farmer told me "it's gotta be cider vinegar..." and from trying different things, unpasteurized cider vinegar seems to work best for me, but that could be the placebo effect helping... and as my lady doc says "I don't care if it is the placebo effect - if it helps, it HELPS! It may just be mind over matter. I have also noticed if you delay the vinegar treatment, the bite gets worse and the vinegar is less effective.
from linguafranca :
Mine was always like a dozen rats trying to chew their way out of me. Plus diarrhea and vomiting (but only on the first day!). It never occurred to anyone that I should see a doctor about it (just as well, it sounds like). Fortunately it did subside for me around age 22. I'm so sorry you still have to endure that. Are there any other docs around to consult?
from talktogod :
OUCH
from linguafranca :
Thank you! "The biatch is just crazy"-- that was my conclusion too! Yeah, she made me second-guess my photos, too-- what, do they not represent the items well enough? But I think they do. I really don't think it's me this time.
from talktogod :
LoL!!! "Emergency Flashers." Ahahahah.... Prayers going up for you, my friend.
from talktogod :
My cat (we have four, but there is one that is "mine") frequently tries to crowd me off of my pillow. Sometimes, he tries to lay on my face. That doesn't work very well. But he is very affectionate.
from talktogod :
When I make "homemade" pizza (I used the term loosely, in comparison with yours, because I use packaged dough), it weighs about 10 pounds and should probably cause cardiac arrest just looking at it. Ok, I'm probably exaggerating the weight. A little.
from cocoabean :
I started chaosdaily for documenting what was going on in my life... it helped, too.
from talktogod :
Sometimes I just want to turn off the phone. My mother-law-does that rapid-fire call thing. Called 6 times in 10 minutes one night. I kid you not!
from linguafranca :
Haha. If I do paint it, it sure won't be pink!
from talktogod :
Ooh. Scary. Sounds like a dangerous place. I'll read/listen to the stories. Thanks.
from talktogod :
You said "proactive." Ugh. *holds up cross* LoL...anyway...I want to read your "scary story," k? Pleeeeezzzzzz???? I luuuuv scary stories.
from howlingwind :
9-2-09 - That story sounds PDL (Purdee Dern Lame). I hope your money situation is quickly sorted out. :-)
from linguafranca :
I tried to take it, but it wanted me to sign up for twitter, which I don't want to do. Try surveymonkey!
from talktogod :
We LOVE HIMYM! And we probably never would have seen it if Allison Hannigan wasn't on it. But if it's got an ex-Buffy cast person on it, we'll give it a chance.
from talktogod :
At least the last class was a semi-pleasant experience...
from cocoabean :
Oh good! Glad the class was easy!!
from talktogod :
Wow. You're busy. Makes me tired just reading it...
from linguafranca :
Thanks for the shout-out! I have been forced to conclude that there's no accounting for taste. Really. I've done shows with the aforementioned artist in attendance; her work seems to do really well. What can I say, it's sassy and cute and priced well for the young folks. I admit to being a tad envious. My mantra is "that's not my market, that's not my market...". [and no, I don't think there's anything wrong with hating what's-her-name and her incipient boy-child. Go ahead, indulge yourself.]
from talktogod :
Interesting, because I feel the same way about the music industry. Every day, I hear crap on the radio that makes me want to puke. Then I hear good music that I can only find on websites and internet radio that never gets "published" because they don't know the right people. The internet has done so much good for the music world. I hope the big name labels are suffering big-time.
from cocoabean :
You can take the screws out on the back of the keyboard and actually wash the keys in hot soapy water... just make sure it's dry when you put it back together~
from linguafranca :
Eew, sorry. Having a bad class is a horrible feeling. At least you aren't stuck with them for a whole semester!
from talktogod :
I enjoyed reading your comments. (I had to backtrack a couple days to find them.) Very well put and thoughtful. I can't say I disagree, either. I hope I expressed my lack of understanding of that passage in my entry, and also remember that I was getting most of that information from an article that I was reading in my devotional magazine. That passage has always been tough for me to grasp. And I just can't equate "church membership" with a relationship with God. In other words, just because someone is cut off from the "church," doesn't cut them off from God. At least not in my way of thinking. Ah, well. As Paul also said, we "see through a glass darkly..." Thanks for reading...AND for thinking!!
from cocoabean :
I havent seen the show yet, but I know who won. I wasn't a fan of debbies the past 2 shows, and jeffrey always seemed kind of sneaky, in a way.. I love that melissa won!
from cocoabean :
DANG! EQUALITY for all is the name of the game. I believe God sees equality in all of us, as should our government. Do we say that Jews can't marry? Teachers? Chinese? Then why should we be able to say gays can't?
from cocoabean :
OOPS.. I still think EQUALITY
from cocoabean :
I love the Word According to Wordy! I don't believe that God (who is supposed to be all-loving) would turn anyone away from heaven for their sexual preferences, unless it was hurtful to others. And being gay is not hurtful. No, I'm not gay, but I still think EQUALITY
from talktogod :
Aw, shucks. I look forward to reading it.
from linguafranca :
I think in your heart you already know what you truly want to do. It's just that actually doing it may be very hard.
from sweet-dark :
I don't envy your position right now. Since I'm not really an expert in this field, probably don't even have the right to talk about matters of divorce and such so I'll just say that I hope whatever road you decide to take, you don't regret it. Hope that helps. Probably doesn't though. Sorry. Good luck.
from talktogod :
Celebrities continue to fall...this is weird!
from talktogod :
I agree that that is a sorry way to do business, but unfortunately, it is not that uncommon in the corporate world. Corporations have a very skewed view of things.
from sweet-dark :
Thanks, I'm actually feeling better now, which is good :)
from talktogod :
"Pesticidal?" I'm praying for peace for your spirit.
from vicunja :
I'm so sorry you're suffering a malfunction and hope that normal services will resume soon. As for being faceless, I don't know what you look like, and if you need me to, I'll be happy to remove me profile picture ;) Sending you hugs, Dsire.
from linguafranca :
Thanks for your note. I'm pretty emotionally stable most of the time, but every once in a while I do come unglued. And it ain't pretty.
from talktogod :
Dear Lord, I hate corporate mumbo jumbo. "smoakupassian." Hee. I like that.
from whystinger :
You are not being a coward, the timing is not right. It would not have been good timing for me to leave two years ago or to do anything other than I did. You will decide and let him know on your terms.
from talktogod :
Yeah, the plethora of celebrity deaths is disturbing of late. Personally, I don't care for boxing, but I'm sorry for your sadness. Anytime we lose a favorite personality, it's rather devastating, regardless of the sport/genre.
from talktogod :
Thanks for the advice, "wordy." I have my MRI tomorrow (Friday), but don't expect it to show much, considering how much better I'm feeling. Nevertheless, I will pursue every possible avenue before I let them do any kind of surgery on my back! I'm not seeing a specialist, though, so I don't think my primary doctor will want to rush into anything. At least I hope not. They'll have to drag me kicking and screaming! And that won't be easy, because I'm pretty heavy! Hah!
from talktogod :
Not sure I would just hand out my password without checking out who the people are. You never know who people are on the 'webs, you know?
from linguafranca :
I once had a cat who died suddenly. My mom found her on the front sidewalk one morning. I don't know how old your cat was, but sometimes it does just happen. Cats can have aneurisms, too. It's bad enough losing a pet, makes it worse if you think someone caused it. Anyway, I'm sorry.
from talktogod :
Thanks for the Father's Day wish. I didn't see that coming. :-) That's why I was like, "Whoa...is that me? Cool!!"
from cocoabean :
yes, linking facebook and dland could be disastrous for some of us....
from talktogod :
Was that to me?
from talktogod :
<3 Love back!! <3 and to Desiree, too! <3
from vicunja :
Thank you. That means more than you'll ever know. x
from talktogod :
Chuck Jones's grandson following you...that is way cool! I'm a huge fan of both Chuck Jones and Mel Blanc.
from talktogod :
Mmm...crab cakes. Yum. Also...I'm very frustrated with doctors right now.
from cocoabean :
sounds like he's making an effort...
from talktogod :
Wow. What a cluster...I am constantly amazed at people who have no more sensitivity than that, especially to think that everyone in the freaking world wants to listen to THEIR music. Sorry you had such a bad time, but good on you for keeping your head...and NO you most definitely did NOT over-react! Grrrr....
from talktogod :
Mmm...TN sounds pretty appealing to me, were I in your shoes. Of course, if I were in your shoes, people might be looking at me funny...
from cocoabean :
I only see problems putting the house in your name... the biggest one being that then O has NO responsibilities, and if he decides to quit working, YOU will end up paying for the house.
from cocoabean :
Can you put diaryland on a list of banned sites on IE??
from cocoabean :
Kind of sounds that way. I hope she figures life out before having kids of her own!
from cocoabean :
It sounds like LO needs some consistent discipline... she manipulates everyone around her, and it's almost like she dares her dad to say something when she misbehaves... but when you do, then you are the creep. What will she be like as an adult??
from linguafranca :
Aagh, don't give him no mind (BIL). You're right, he's an ass, end of story. Don't back down or self-censor on his account. There's no need to be nice all the time.
from talktogod :
Um...welcome to Texas?
from talktogod :
But did you make the decision?
from talktogod :
So...where in our "great state" are you going to be? LoL!!!
from talktogod :
YAY, CAKE!!! Nomnomnom.... <3
from vicunja :
Belated Happy Birthday! Sounds like you had a nice little adventure! Pictures? x
from cocoabean :
I'm glad you are making some money doing something you love! *wink* you're welcome!
from howlingwind :
Happy birthday in advance for Friday's impending celebration or whatever you're calling it. I turn 34 in December this year. The jury is still out on my Mr. Man. We shall see. :-)
from whystinger :
Thanks... I appreciate the update. good to see.
from talktogod :
Congrats on all the writing success, and also on the weight loss. I can't seem to motivate myself enough in that area. Grr...
from whystinger :
How about an update here, so I don't have to be nosy and ask about you and O? There is another similarity between us too now... after reading one of your articles. Do you Yahoo chat?
from linguafranca :
Three purple basils?! Awesome. Actually, I think I can guess them: Opal, purple ruffles, and red rubin? Am I right?
from linguafranca :
I couldn't tell if that was a 'yes' or not. :) No biggie either way-- only if you want. My mints are still hibernating, we're a few weeks from full-on minty splendour anyway.
from linguafranca :
10 varieties of basil, eh? You are indeed a woman after my own heart. The ridiculous thing about it is that I don't have that big of a lawn-- but never mind that. Wanna swap seeds/cuttings?
from sweet-dark :
thats what i did. i came in my uniform and said it was because once an alcoholic has recovered they can look like anyone, even a schoolmate : )
from vicunja :
(24FEB2009) Oh Wordy - I am so, so sorry. Also, wishing you all the best for your travel back to Orange... I sincerily hope you find the answers you need to make the right decision for you. Hugs.
from talktogod :
"...still I look to find a reason to believe..." Hey. What's wrong with WoW?? Just kidding...It consumes everything....I know...my wife is very tolerant of my addiction.
from talktogod :
Grats on the writing gig! That's great. Sorry other things are getting more complicated. That sucks.
from howlingwind :
2/12/09 - I wrote you an e-mail at your Wordwhore address - woot! :-)
from musicman6724 :
Hi. Sorry I've been out of touch lately...I did see your notes on my other diary. I haven't had a lot of time to update this one. Therefore, I haven't kept up well with you and my other "buddies." Say...I know...I'll add you to my other buddy list, because I see that one every day. *doh* Anyway. I hope you are well...and I hope your move to Texas goes well. I see you mentioned facebook. If you want, look me up. Jeff Bickley. I'm the one with not much hair, holding the red guitar. Grace and peace!
from linguafranca :
Hey! Thanks for your thoughts lately-- I appreciate it much.
from howlingwind :
Glad you liked the story of the Ceiling Cat. :-) Thanks for reading my stuff all adeez yers. :-) YooZ ossume :-)
from whystinger :
I need to really read and let this sink in...
from howlingwind :
Sorry bout your baby mama drama and your sis's be-atchiness. On a lighter note - GWB is getting kicked to the curb - yay!! That's the Bush man I'm tawkin bout. Happy MLK day! :-) (1/19/09)
from whystinger :
Her friend is effed up, so who knows. Maybe she was fishing, maybe someone was playing a bad joke on me (and listed me) or something else. Maybe stbx's atty advised her to try to get me there for some reason. Anyway I have to use the house today and I will check her pc hist just for kicks... Maybe she got on and it nervous
from whystinger :
I almost forgot about the hand. I think you are correct. It was a God moment when you needed it. I have a story too and will tell sometime if I remember.
from whystinger :
Good rant today! I am not a cheater and feel adultry is wrong, so does my Dad and many men I know, so I hear ya! (and agree). I believe that self control is what differentiates us from animals. We CAN use self control, just most don't want to be accountable today, men and women. I also hate double standards like you mention. My biggest hate is a guy who sleeps around, insists he is "clean" but "she is a slut." I really fucking hate that double standard and will stand and argue with those guys. I am sorry, but he is a SLUT too. Hmmm, in a way, we're on the same page
from whystinger :
It was a video file that was passed on to me. In the beginning of the video, it had www.xyz.com then went into an Animal Planet show that showed a cool bird mimicking different things. I decided to look at the address displayed and see, maybe more animal planet videos, nope, Porn. I am still pretty pissed off.
from whystinger :
I think I finally caught up with you and you have written more (entries) than I thought. I am debating on addressing it all here, email or just dropping it... Maybe some random things... We definitely have some parallels. Even more than I thought when you look at the decisions that need to be made and the issues our spouses have caused, well not the issue themselves, but the solution and if they will uphold the promises. I've mixed emotions about both of us. Me, I do well in couples therapy, but is it all lost and you, don't like couple's therapy, but I think you and O would benefit from my Couples T. It remains to be seen if Honi will have her eyes opened to what she does but I am hopeful. In my case, I have those sex issues to work through and her manipulativeness (is that a word and spelled correctly?). Your toothache was your mind working overtime and you clenching your teeth... See ya in cyberspace pal.
from musicman6724 :
Wow. Things have certainly gotten interesting. Well, I'll pray for wisdom for you to make the right decisions about everything.
from howlingwind :
Just saying hi. Yes, I know it's good to know that someone is still interested. I'm glad you had a good Xmas. Mine was alright-spending time with the Queen and familia. :-) Take Care.
from whystinger :
You could always pose for the pic wearing anything you want... j/k too
from fightn4life :
Congratulations on your one year of freedom! And I loved the poem you write in today's entry. Sandyz
from sweet-dark :
haha yeah : ) thanks. that made my day a bit better : )
from sweet-dark :
thanks for adding me too : ) that was a good opinion too. it's kinda hard to be unbiased when the only other opinion you get is from his ex-wife so that was an interesting different point of view : ) all the best.
from whystinger :
Sending prayers, congrats for the one year no smoke and don't know what to say on the home sitch...
from whystinger :
The hurt heals eventually. I think it is part of growth. I stayed longer than I should because I feared karma, but I realized that staying was hurting me more. She kept me away from those I loved and things I loved because she needed to not be alone. She says she loves me but I think I am just a diversion from loneliness. You will do fine.
from whystinger :
Would it help if I changed the picture? I would consider it.. cuz I have considered it. Are you getting out in the public? Should I email this stuff?
from linguafranca :
It'll be okay in time, really it will. The wrong person is just the wrong person-- when the right person shows up, it'll be random and unexpected, and he'll like you just as you are. That said, it's been 7 years since I left my ex, and I still have nightmares about him from time to time....fewer and farther between as the years go by, though.
from vicunja :
You're not difficult to love. Please don't let him destroy your faith in love. It's out there. I promise. Hugs from someone who had every reason to give up.
from whystinger :
I definitely feel for you - I am going through a bit o' marriage failure too.
from fightn4life :
What it brings to mind is something like this, "if He brings you to it He will bring you through it." Maybe not a quote...something that just came into my head from something I read. So glad the surgery went well and hopeful some of the baby sitting will ease up. My thoughts are with you. Thanks for the message. :) Sandyz
from musicman6724 :
Glad BIL's surgery went ok. Hope he can get off the vent soon. And I appreciate the "linkage." You're awesome!
from fightn4life :
My thoughts and prayers are with your family, BIL and you. I hope all is well and he is able to come home soon. Sandyz
from musicman6724 :
Sorry to hear about your BIL. Hope he gets ok. And, wow, what a nice note you left me. I'm all blushy. Thank you very much. I don't always succeed, but that's the attitude I try to live by.
from musicman6724 :
I voted for him, too. Should be an interesting four years.
from howlingwind :
I'm alright, just same 'ol same 'ol - doesn't make for very interesting diary entries. I'm just going to my classes, halfway maintaining my house, somehow attracting more scroungy cats to the place, etc, etc. :-)
from howlingwind :
Yay! I'm glad you're having success with your writing. :-)
from fightn4life :
I loved your story! Thanks for sharing and congratulations!! Sandyz
from musicman6724 :
Congratulations!! Awesome. Major awesome!
from fightn4life :
Congratulations on your win! I followed the link but couldn't find your story. :( Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry about your cat...mine are like family to me. My heart is with you, it is hard to lose a furry friend. I would find out and quick why he slapped you for no apparent reason...not acceptable! Congrats...being published. YES! It is a wonderful thing, never small. Sandyz
from howlingwind :
Wait - what I meant to say was that I'm sure it'll all work out for the best. Sorry for the cliche. Okay - I'm zipping it now. Zip.
from howlingwind :
8/10/08 - I hope it all works out for the best. I always thought Forrest Chump was a seriously over-rated movie too. :-)
from musicman6724 :
Dang, you're fast. Hahahaha...
from musicman6724 :
The thing that always bothered me about Gump was the prevailing idea that "life is like a box of chocolates" and everything is random. Like a leaf on the wind. No wait, that's Wash's line in Serenity. Point is, at least from my perspective, life isn't as random as they would have us think. Everything happens for a reason, whether we are aware of that reason or not. It's a depressing movie. I did like the ping-pong thing, though. :-D Thanks for your compliment on my pictures and your prayers in the other situation, too.
from howlingwind :
Well - if we only wrote about happy things - then D-land would really just be Denial Land. :-p
from fightn4life :
Congratulations on your 8 month quit! Way to go. I hate having those kinds of attacks the first time I thought I was having a heart attack. Glad you have a supportive family. Take care of you! Sandyz
from howlingwind :
7/29/08 - I hope you heal from your fall quickly. Eat some antioxidants and stuff. Sorry, I'm still in my nutrion class - can't help myself. :-)
from cocoabean :
Well, you know, it's your diary, and it's good to get things out and dump them in here. Seems to make my life easier when I do that!
from musicman6724 :
In regard to the entry about talent and publishing, I often feel the same way about musicians. There are a lot of "musicians" who get record deals that basically have no talent (at least in my not-so-humble opinion). I hate listening to radio any more, because the music is so bad.
from howlingwind :
7/14/08 - Don't give this be-atch the satisfaction of letting this shite bother u - she is a lameass loser whose biggest joy in life is making your life difficult. That's about as lame as it gets dude. Hang ten or uh keep on bikin. :-p
from dana-elayne :
Punk Rock Girl was one of my favorite songs in high school! I totally loved their stuff! "let's go slam dance...we'll dress like minnie pearl...just you and me punk rock girl!" :)
from boxx9000 :
Congratulations on sticking to your exercise routine. I've been on my fitness kick for a little over a year now. We just recently listened to an audio book on a 6 hour drive.(Last Juror by John Grisham) I LOVE my ipod for my treadmill workouts, it's made all the difference in the world in allowing me to ENJOYABLY workout for longer periods of time. Travel safely. Post cards?
from howlingwind :
7/11/08 - Hola - I sent a message to your wordwhore yahoo address - in case you don't check it that often. :-)
from cocoabean :
maybe it would be a good thing to cry in front of Lo, just to let her know how much her actions hurt you.... it might open things up for a talk between you two, which I think needs to happen at some point....
from boxx9000 :
I found you by accident thru the recent updates. re: sex....all relationships go thru phases, no? Hopefully, the two of you can reconnect. Can you take a vacation together just the two of you?
from fruitbat20 :
OH and in keeping with the wives never left wanting- i'm not a wife, but you may get a kick out of this from my old diary: http://un-flaneur.blogspot.com/2008/05/payback-is-bitch.html at least i recognised it for what it was, heh.
from fruitbat20 :
hey, i like sex. i didn't for about four years, thanks to all sorts of things, but i started taking wellbutrin and now i'm randy as ever again. you're not alone... you're not alone!
from brightopal :
Ah - gotcha!  The page was cutting off part of the message.  Thanks - I kind of figured it was a joke but you never know, LOL.<br>
from musicman6724 :
It's amazing the things kids can make up when they don't want to or do want to do something. My daughter's stomach "goes round and round." Or her ear hurts. Or something. Pft.
from cocoabean :
like the kid I babysat for who claimed to have an upset stomach... but she knew that chocolate cake would make it feel MUCH better!
from howlingwind :
7/4/08 - Happy 4th of the July! Go blow some stuff up - it will make you feel better! You know - if you put dry ice and some water in a 2 liter bottle and leave it in your yard (evacuate the area of course)- it will blow up and scare the #%@& out of your neighbors. Better yet - put it in front of LO's mom's house or whatever. Okay - I never said any of this. ;-P
from scotvalkyrie :
Hi there -- I understand the HUNGER thing -- but I've found that knitting keeps my hands too busy to think about eating too much. The other thing I do (since I'm chained to a desk all day) is keep a bowl with a pound of those baby carrots by my hand and munch on those all day. Good luck!
from brightopal :
I wanted to go read your article but the link doesn't work for me, darn it :( If you don't mind, email me a link to your page and I'll add one reader to your list ;)
from fightn4life :
If you were swimming in the heat it would be great...I really mean swimming like Ocean, Lake or River. :) Sandyz
from musicman6724 :
Congrats on getting the article published. I might try something like that someday. I got a letter to the editor published last year. It was even featured on the opinion page. Woohoo!
from howlingwind :
6/10/08 - Congratulations on the publishing thing :-) That's pretty neat-o beat-o.
from musicman6724 :
I noticed that bit of trivia the last time I read those books (actually still in the midst of reading them). There's note in the front of MN that tells about the lenght of time between LWW and MN. Interesting point you made about HaHB, too. I guess they could do MN later, kind of like Lucas did with Star Wars? Heh.
from musicman6724 :
Oddly enough, I have yet to see either one of the Narnia movies (at least all the way through...I've seen part of the first one). I'm a little bothered that they are skipping around so much in the order of the books. They did book 2 first, then is it 4? I can't remember. But, then, which order the books are in depends on which set you have, I think, because I have an old paperback set that puts Lion, Witch, etc. first. But The Magician's Nephew is supposed to be first.
from fightn4life :
I enjoyed the review but have decided to read the book. ;) Thanks for the thumbs out. Sandyz
from brightopal :
Ack about the eye! It's hard enough to write as it is; throw in a bad eye and you're fighting an uphill battle straight up a cliff! *Hugs* Take care of that eye.
from cocoabean :
have you considered selling short stories online? it would keep the wolves from the door, and make orange a little more relaxed. brightopal used to list places on her page....
from fightn4life :
Don't wait to long before getting your eye checked, don't want to lose sight. I did smile reading your entry, all the things that might have happened. I just hope your OK. Sandyz
from chaosdaily :
gee all because you didn't shake his hand? reminds me of the time Man told me that because I couldn't remember what I was wearing when I recounted an argument to him, that it never happened... yeah, I would think if you deliberately snubbed someone you would remember it!
from chaosdaily :
how about... "because you are so full of shit!!" oh, that might be impolite... but it's the best I can come up with on short notice!
from howlingwind :
wtf? Who eats this stuff? That's just wrong. Did you try this? Is it to die for - like literally make you croak type stuff or what? :-p
from chaosdaily :
you might have trouble kicking that butt... it's a big one!
from fightn4life :
Phew...I thought you locked me out. ;) I missed your writings and will catch up now. Sandyz
from bethb :
it's a crass way of paraphrasing face painting on kids. thanks for the compliment!
from byouki :
You seem like a fairly interesting person.. you remind me of myself a lot, actually. By the way, love your username. My usual journal here is under dinosaurorgy, but I'm too lazy to switch over to leave the message under that username. In any case -- hello!
from chaosdaily :
Oh, and I'm glad you're open again! Woot!
from chaosdaily :
You can lock single entries of your diary without locking up the whole thing... that way, it can all stay in the same place!
from chaosdaily :
Bummer. hang in there, and let us know when you are ready to open up again.......
from howlingwind :
okee - quickly - used to have bad periods - dizzy - pukey - crampy - but started taking a multivitamin and extra vitamin C and my periods are only mildly annoying now. Just in case you haven't tried it. It doesn't sound like it could get much worse. Maybe I already told u this? Oh well. Take care.
from fightn4life :
I'm late but HAPPY BIRTHDAY anyway, hope it was a good one. :) Sandyz
from howlingwind :
Happy Birthday! I hope you have/had a fun one! Ya, that guy was just a big doof. :-)
from vicunja :
Happy birthday - which of course you share with my gorgeous daughter!
from chaosdaily :
happy birthday! Yay!!!
from fightn4life :
Congratulations on kicking butts, hard to do, as I know from experience. (I had 30 years of smoking behind me when I quit)Lord as long as it has been there are days when I have fleeting moment of wishing I was watching smoke curl from a cigarette. Then I recall how difficult it was to quit and I sayNO! Not again. I laughed reading about those goof balls getting vomit on them, why would you follow a head down the toilet?? Inquiring minds wish to know. Enjoyed your entry, sometimes just reading others writings make me feel a bit better. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I wasn't as fearful of spiders until I read your entry. Last week a monster spider dropped down while I was getting ready for work...it landed in my hair and I freaked. I called it the spider from hell and was almost over it when I read your entry. Millions of baby wolf spiders? I think I would vomit. (I am living in spider heaven right on the Lake and orange groves behind me.) Yikes! Sandyz
from chaosdaily :
oh your entry sounds like mine, except i work full time too.. its that passive agressive thing that the men do that just irritates me....
from howlingwind :
2/13/08 - I'm glad your kitteeee came home. :-)
from howlingwind :
2/9/08 -->Just saying Hi. :-)
from minstrelite :
also it surprised me that u didnt know i was on disability, considering the number of times i've alluded to it, and to the govt's verdict as to my alleged "incompetence" ... i think ur idea of my receiving the monthly check and sticking to arranging/composing music is right on -- i just have to find a cheap enough rent situation where i can make my headquarters. anyway thanks for noting me, i really do appreciate that jamie, take care.
from minstrelite :
that's all right, but i guess -- i was never sure if you understood (or believed?) that i wasn't *intending* to go off the meds, but that i was having trouble receiving them due to glitches in the system, my changing counties, my sister being my payee, and so forth...so i felt blamed -- whether you were blaming me or not, i don't know. but i do see that it is a touchy subject. anyway i am taking them now, for whatever it's worth.
from minstrelite :
Hi Jamie. I have been taking my meds. There had been a run-around with the clinic but they finally arrived. Now I'm supposed to find a provider who takes MediCare in this County. I am sorry I lashed out at you. I was really out of it. But it caused me to reflect on certain aspects of my character. I am doing things differently now. Maybe you will read this: http://minstrelite.diaryland.com/080208_28.html -- I have always liked you, and I don't know why I over-reacted. I think you were right that it had something to do with the lack of the meds.
from chaosdaily :
sometimes therapy makes you think about things that make you feel even worse. ive been there too....
from katbox :
Nice to see that you are back. Hope all is well. At this point I can count to a million in 4 languages (including English). I have always excelled in useless skills :0 Auf Wiedersehen! Adieu. Adios. Goodbye!
from minstrelite :
You sound good in your most recent entry, and you paint a really clear picture of your new therapist. I have a feeling this is going to be a good thing. I especially liked this part: "she's very cure-oriented, which i like. by that i mean she expects treatment to actually work and not just "stay in therapy forever." That strikes me as a sign that she'll be dedicated to your best interests, and not strictly hers.
from musicman6724 :
Egad! Broken guitars! Horror stories. I had a friend yank a table out from under my acoustic guitar when I was in college. He didn't know it was resting the way it was and it hit the floor on one edge. It still has a little shatter mark in the finish and the wood is slightly separated, but I never got it fixed. So I was lucky, because it still sounds good. I would be making death threats if one of my cats broke my guitar. Just threats though...because I love my cats. I'd get over it.
from chaosdaily :
its either gold or supergold, and if they leave a comment or you can find them on a stats tracker you will have their ip
from chaosdaily :
one of the things i like best about dland is the ability to ban an IP number..
from minstrelite :
Hang in there. You're where you're supposed to be.
from chaosdaily :
yeah quitting smoking sucks. hang in there, it will get better eventually
from minstrelite :
As I read your entry, I find it amazing that you succeeded in quitting smoking at a time when all the disturbances you mention would have caused practically anybody to light up again. I'm proud of you.
from katbox :
hey! What happened to you? I hope things are well. Take care, Kat
from minstrelite :
I think there's a lot of value to not kicking yourself too hard when you go hours on end without accomplishing something, even though you really want to accomplish something during those hours. We are only human, and sometimes our energy lags, or something happens to divert us from our plan, or something happens that suddenly drains us emotionally and we feel like crawling under the covers in an attempt to make it all go away. Then we wake up and feel guilty for not having been more proactive in dealing with the relatively innocuous slings and arrows of minor misfortune. As you can tell, I identify, and I probably haven't helped you one bit. I did have a good day on Saturday, though. I was relaxed, got a lot done, and felt good about it. I think it's a good idea to remind ourselves take the good with the bad, difficult that may be at times.
from morticon :
I opened it up and the cords are in wonderful shape. Next I'm gonna work on the connections and install it as a secondary drive to see if I can access it. I'll let you know how it works out. :] Thanks!
from hadassah :
You made me chuckle with your note. Just make sure you really want to get pregnant before trying it. LOL
from fightn4life :
Oha new rescued kitty, I am so glad you saved the little one. You're an angel. Sandyz
from katbox :
Thank you and Your welcome (this is where you can imagine me now taking a bow). Yes, I really am ridiculous.
from scotvalkyrie :
Yippee! Another Knitwit! I've been getting interesting response to my "help me find this yarn" banner -- It's a yarn called Gerifil Spaghetti, color 1062 -- I'm 1/2 way through a sweater, and I ran out! GAH!!
from katbox :
I think I just sent you a message. We will see.
from katbox :
Something just clicked in my brain. Size 19 knitting needles? What are you making? I usually go crazy in the other direction with 0s and 1s.
from katbox :
I'd love to see your picture. I checked to make sure my e-mail was correct on my account settings. Try again :)
from morticon :
That's wonderful news! I appreciate the tips, I'm so glad to know there may still be some hope in saving my data ^-^ Thanks so much for coming by and letting me know!
from minstrelite :
lol just didnt want to spell out your addy on the internet -- thats why i get nothing but porno spam on my runbox. which i never check any more but always spell out on someone's haloscan, just so as to be permitted to post comments there.....
from minstrelite :
I sent it to an addy I had in my hotmail -- a gmail address of yours, with a username like unto your MySpace.
from katbox :
I like yo ur diary. Keep transcending yourself. Paint it, write about it, go with it. It is a gift. Take care, kat.
from fightn4life :
Sometimes words can not capture a visual, other times a picture can't. Writing about it helps keep it alive and when you reread it later you may for a moment recapture the image. It sounded awesome, Sandyz
from musicman6724 :
Haha...Joe South! I actually have a copy of "Introspect" in my collection. Haven't listened to it in a looong time! I think my favorite song is "Mirror of Your Mind." Good lyric from "Games People Play" in your title, too. :-)
from minstrelite :
Off the top, I would say that if the voice is still a "still, small voice," I'd hold off. If it becomes blaringingly loud, I'd be concerned. The enemy often shouts at me and tries to catch me off-guard, but the Spirit usually moves slowly, quietly, and steadily within me. As for Joe South, crank him up as loud as you want. You might need the release. ')
from minstrelite :
Jamie, I'm absolutely certain I emailed you the username/password combo several weeks ago. Maybe I have your address wrong. I'll leave you a MySpace message.
from minstrelite :
My thoughts as to your most recent, eloquent, and telling entry are twofold (not that I expect you to respect the suggestions of someone as inexperienced in this area of life as I). First, if you can suspend any notion of black-and-white thinking, or any decision based on that, and manage to get yourself to those who, 1000 miles away, will be eager to help dry your tears; that would be wonderful, and it need not be considered that this be forever -- but certainly for a season. Secondly, I was so blown away by some of the poetic turn of phrase in your writing style it really amazed me. The references to echoes and shadows, not even tangible enough to be ghosts, sent chills down my spine. I hope that the act of composing this entry was cathartic for you. Also, I guess I would have to say that I hope you don't close yourself off to the possibility of healing, even if you have no conception as to whence healing might emerge.
from fightn4life :
Oh no, I love dry roasted nuts. Now I need to read the back of that container. Sigh Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Ozarkdrm@ritternet.com Please put Pass word-username in subject lineit will get lost in spam. Sorry a late response I am up north for some much needed R&R. Sandyz
from minstrelite :
I like it when someone stands up for the oppressed like that. Good on him.
from minstrelite :
I flushed the new meds down the toilet while leaving a message with the doctor saying: "Here this? This is the sound of a bottle of respirdal being flushed down the toilet." They later returned me to my previous dosage of the previous meds. Thanks for your note.
from fightn4life :
Don't feel bad about freaking out over a crazy acting computer; I have stressed so much when my computer went hay wire. I was lost for four days while it was in the shop. Like you my computer is my life line, and I love to write, without it I feel more alone. Silly I know but true. Hope you get it all worked out and it works better for you, Sandyz
from minstrelite :
Hey there. You may or may not have noticed that I am in fact back on D-Land, and that once again you are among my faves. I just read your last three entries. You could probably publish the one about him claiming not to know he was being hateful. It was poetic. I'll send you an email on another subject, later.
from fightn4life :
Did I get you my pass word and user name? Lord with all that is going on I can't recall. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I know you don't update often but when you do please do not think I have blocked you by locking up my Diary. So much sadness is in my life right now and I needed my own safe harbor. If you desire to journey with me I will be glad to give you my password and username. I am keeping track of my network of readers as not to hurt any one in our extended family. My girls haven't been told yet as well. I didn't want anyone from this part of the world to know my thoughts, so I have locked up and place the key in a safe place. When you stumble on my world leave a note and I'll send you the secret passage. Thinking of your little place in the world on this summer night, and thanking God you are all alright. Sandyz
from chaosdaily :
you can always say, oh you sent me an email? i didnt get it. what address did you use? oh thats not my main one.. then walk away without giving her the addy lol
from fightn4life :
Good Lord that GF sounds like a bit*h...what did she say when you told her the picture went to the same place you did? LOL This is going to be interesting. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry you kitty has passed on, makes my heart sad but I do know all animals go to heaven so you will one day be reunited. I thought it was only me, but Diary Land is s-l-o-w, it took my page 9 minutes to add an entry, when I go to someone notes it takes me 10 or more minutes waiting for that page to open. Wonder what is going on. My heart is with you again I am so sorry for your loss. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Did I tell you I have written a manuscript? I am in the rewrite, well, it is on hold due to the foggy world I am stumbling in. Works good with me being a world-class procrastinator. That's okmy excuses are fading and I'll get back in the swing of things. Now it's your turn, (not the foggy world part- the getting back to some serious writing thing) Butyou need to hang onto Diary Land for a place to spin your wheels. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Thank you for adding me, I do like your writings. Boy can I relate to the notion of getting back to finding those creative juices. I have a manuscript I have been working on for years, and then my inspiration is lost in the wind. I am going to cast a large net and capture it, MAKE myself calm down and stop procrastinating. Tomorrow. :) Sandyz
from minstrelite :
Of course, neither of the two little baggies of weed were laced, but your metabolism is such that you can't handle pot. I'm the same way, actually, and I consider it a blessing, otherwise I'd be a pothead, like I uesed to be. Not sure when my metabolism made the big shift, but it seemed to conincide with when Chrsitianity set in, because my rapid heartbeat and similar symptoms such as you mentioned were accompanied with condemning accusations that I took to be from God, but after I recovered from the experience realized had emerged from the Accuser of the Brethren. So, better not to smoke pot. (Besides, I developed a paranoia that all the Internet trolls were hanging outside the windows with machine guns with orders to "fire when ready." Nasty stuff, that.)
from minstrelite :
I've been wanting to contact you about the location of Eden, but I thought you had said there was no way to reach you through D-Land. I waited a while to see if you would reach me through the contact info on my web site, but anyway I am here now. This doesn't have to do with anything I wrote when I was trying to determine whether or not I could continue to identify myself as a Christian. It has to do with the musical I wrote, and which I have been working on for a few years now. The name of the first song is "Where is Eden?" in which the main character is searching for Paradise. The conclusion that is drawn toward the end of the show is that this is a burdensome search, because it cannot be found on Earth. I am wondering if I am going to lose my audience if the conclusion is not in some way more optimistic or idealistic. Most musicals, almost by definition, present life not as it is, but as it ought to be. I have a feeling that if you can show me the evidence that Eden was actually in Heaven, and not on Earth, it will help me to make some final changes before I present the script, music and lyrics to the company that may be workshopping this piece in the San Francisco Bay Area. This feeling is based on the idea that these things do not generally happen by coincidence; i.e., you mentioned in your entry that Eden was in heaven, and I wrote a song called "Where is Eden?" whose purpose is essential to my project. It looks like I will be meeting with these people, the theatre people, on the weekend of April 6-7. My email address is runner4ever at runbox dot com. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
from fightn4life :
I just read something you wrote that clicked with my life..."I am madly in love with my husband but wonder if he notices." (Something like that) Wow...I was looking at my husband this morning feeling so much love but so alone while his gaze was off in another world wonder if he knows I am here. Hum... things to ponder. Sandyz
from vicunja :
Welcome back. You've been missed!
from fightn4life :
I too took time and many web design changes before I decided on one that is spiritual. I figured if I alienated some people it would be worth it if I found one nonbeliever that might read and begin their search. It has never mattered to me about another person's belief it is not for me to judge. Hard as it can be at times, we are tested while in the flesh by choices we make roads we choose to follow. Hang in there trying to quit smoking, I attempted to quit on and off for 10 of the 30 years I smoked. One quit try a few years ago and it stuck. I still don't think of myself as a nonsmoker I feel more like a smoker that chooses not to smoke todayso far my "today" has been almost 5 years. I did follow a quit program then spent a few years on a stop smoking web site that is designed for people living without the smokers mask. I do know I am a nicotine addict; one smoke will chain me back to the world of smoke. My husband is a chain smoker so it is possible to quit living with a smoker, although it took allot of support from other quitters. Most important I know it is all about choice, and I chose not to smoke. You cannot fail at quitting as long as you never give up trying. Glad your back and I found your page. What you wrote about your love is what I have been dealing with for some time, I think the on and off depression is the hardest. I just wish things could be as they once were, and we have been together almost 17 years. Sandyz
from chaosdaily :
thanks for the note. as it turned out, man did talk to her, and found out what was up. tune in tomorrow for the explanation! and i love madeline l'engle too!
from fightn4life :
I loved this entry of yours, so softly spoken but a powerful meaning. Some times I wonder if I am a Christen true meaning, follower of Christ. I suppose the very reason you stated make cause for me to deny only the word christen but not belief in our God, being of both Jesus and our Lord as one. I choose spiritual as it opens in my mind many religions, beliefs and customs not signaling out only one possibility. I believe we are to question because it allows our search to continue. When we find the prize, we stop looking for more miracles and center only on what we have in our hands. We might never learn what is within our hearts. Thank you for posting with a link so I too could read your entry. Sandyz
from pink-circle :
{Circle Invite} On behalf of the circle, I invite you to join our writer's group. I have noticed your shown interest in poetry/writing. If you are interested, please note back. :) ~Circle Counsil
from z0tl :
from mechaieh :
I've never cared for "panties" either, but "knickers" has a nice snap to it. At least, to my ear. "Bloomers" is right out, though.
from silverbiker :
very happy you got a job as an exotic dancer.. that is what i want to be..such a lovely thing to do in my opinion :) ya gotta tell me how it goes :) love ya
from just-talk :
Ooops! I'm sorry, I meant she, I just can't type. I'll go fix that.
from silverbiker :
If you look at art it'll bring memories or it'll take pain away :) But it sometimes brings back the bad stuff..haha! :) Well I'll keep visiting your diary
from jonasty :
mmmmm, yes, school is over, and i'm being a diaryland dork. hehehe! just cruising around reading about other people's lives! :) yours caught my eye and i just wanted to say your diary is really great! keep smilin, keep writin! *yay*
from girlgenie :
cheers to tequila! if it doesnt make me instantly happy, i dont know what does.
from mel839 :
hihihihihihihi
from girlgenie :
wordwhore: and i'm falling down from a great height.
from mel839 :
hello!
from tasteless :
hey i just read a couple of yur entries. pretty good shit. keep writin' -tasteless
from rfb :
:Phfft I will update soon, slut. How t'ings?
from mechaieh :
Yo, liked your poem for the poet-collab. Vivid stuff. :-)
from johnpowers :
Cool. I am the first to get to say hello. Hello, I like your graphic.

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