I don't know if I slept last night or not. I found myself watching movies about love, some happy, some sad. The more I watched, the more this feeling sort of settled over me. Not really happy, not quite sad. A feeling of bittersweet, I guess. When I think back on my own life. The people who I've loved, and lost.
I still can't really talk about Seann. Not without the misty-eyed romanticism one uses when they talk about someone they really care about. He was so special to me. And it hurts, all these months later to realize that what happened .. happened.
And that I'm going to have to let it go. That I'm going to have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, and it doesn't include him in it. I can list all the reasons we were right for each other, and I could probably list all of the reasons that we weren't.
But the heart has logic the mind doesn't know. Or something like that. Someone famous said that once. It doesn't really care about all the reasons why or why not. It only knows that something really special to me has ended and is over now.
I feel like lately, I don't know who I am any more. Like I got lost in the shuffle of everything, and somehow I messed everything up. I keep wanting to talk to somebody about this. I keep wanting that connection, with someone who understands my soul.
But I don't have anybody. No one who really stops what they're doing and listens. No one who can hear me. Really hear me.
I'm 29, and I'm alone. This is my life. My pathetic, miserable and stupid little life. I know things need to change. I know I have to make these big life changing decisions. I know I need to hope and pray that I find a way to get through everything. That the other other shoe doesn't drop. That I can keep dancing, before anyone's realized the music has stopped.
But I'm scared. I'm scared because I've never been something important or special in my whole life. I've never had the courage "to sound my barbaric yawp, over the rooftops of the world" like Walt Whitman.
I've never had sex and really liked it with anybody but Jimmy. I've never felt special or adored like I did when Mitch took my hand and squeezed it. Or when he'd follow me home, and hug me as tight as he could in the freezing cold. Our bodies pressing together for just a moment longer than we needed to. Two lonely stupid people afraid of our own emotions.
I don't know why they couldn't love me forever. I don't know why I've been hiding from my own life for the last few years. Why I've done everything I could to unplug, and pull away from anyone or anything that was in my life.
I think about the future, and I can't even tell you who I want to be, or what I really want. I feel like when I talk about the future, I'm reciting other people's dreams just to make them happy. Just to make them think that I'm not a loser.
Shouldn't I know my own heart?
I'm so scared to die alone. I'm scared that I'll never be able to learn to love myself enough, to truly get me out of this place I've fallen.
My little sister is getting married. My selfish, nuerotic, beautiful, amazingly talented even though she doesn't realize it fully, sister is getting married.
When we were kids my mom use to tell me, that she never worried about me. That I would be just fine. That it was my sister she had to worry about.
How the tables have turned. I feel like all I have is this blog. This journal. My life raft on a sea of emotions. I feel like I'm barely swiming. I feel like if I don't get these thoughts out of my head and my heart that I'll never figure out myself or my life.
I feel like if I don't express myself. I'll lose my chance. I feel like the time to do something truly amazing and wonderful and brilliant is slipping through the fingers of my life. That time is running out.
I want to be bold and brave and strong.
But mostly I want to find the courage for the little steps. The picking up the phone and calling people step, to ask for help.. The picking up my house, and washing my dishes, and actually taking a shower, and combing my hair, and finding clothes in my wardrobe that actually fit me.
The one foot in front of the other motions I need to make.
So today I am going to apply for college. And financial aid. And I'm going to apply for that job. And when the day is over with. And it's dark outside and it's safe to breath again.
I'm going to watch movies which make me laugh, and make me cry.
And forget about myself for a minute and just laugh.
Because even if it's not my life, and these aren't my stories. They're the only thing that makes me feel.
And I need to feel.
9:56 AM - 06.29.2010
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