But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Urgent Care Shaking, sweating, dry cough, lights swirling, hardly breathing... Stand up. Try to catch a breath. Impossible. Like trying to fly. Impossible. Heart racing, pounding, trying to hang on to life too fast... I am supposed to be going to therapy. I stumble to the bathroom, take a shower, get out, vomit sickeningly sweet acid and last night's dinner 18 hours later. I cannot breathe... Mom... I...feel...sick... So she takes one look at me and says that I am going to the ER. I get there, get an IV, labs, urinalysis...etc. At the scale the nurse says, "Hun, you need to eat some ice cream and put some meat on those bones. Chocolate is best!" "Why?" I say. "Because you are underweight. Very boney." If they knew... Last night I ate eight fudge rounds, 16 Nutty Bars, two pieces of Mazipan, a cup of carrots, some ranch dressing, and a chicken breast. Yes, if only they knew... My therapist came to see me there, she is so kind. We talked about UCLA, horseback riding, and my terrible bingeing. She said perhaphs we can go ride horses sometime. I hope... I feel like such a failure. I am going to have to drop my psych class. I am simply too sick to comprehend the material of all my classes, too tired to go to all of them. I am starting a new medication for my heart. A beta-blocker, in hopes of getting my heart rate down in the morning. The only problem is that there is a side effect of hypotension, which I already have. So I might get dizzy and pass out. But I need it. My resting heart rate at the urgent care was 120, and I didn't even feel it. Because I am so used to being 160-180. And it hurts... More pills to swallow in hopes of saving this body. More truths hidden, lies untold... Will I make it to see 19? Fear, suffocating, scary, freezing me in my tracks... Sleep, the one escape... eternal, death, how long till we meet? 9:53 p.m. - 2004-02-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
||||||