News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood:
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vocabulary:

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I don't know how I feel right now. Things went really well yesterday with Gus, but we were supposed to go to a haunted house tonight and he did not call nor did he return my call, so I am bummed. I don't know the reason, and I am sure there is some reason, but I hope the reason is not the worst one I can think of. I would sacrifice everything in my possession just for a chance. He's the guy where I could never feel right dating anyone else because I know that at any moment if a chance with Gus came up then I'd ditch whoever. Knowing this, I will not be dating anyone else should the chance come up. It wouldn't be right.

In addition to me being psychotic, my grandma died yesterday at 2:20 p.m. Pacific. My dad got there an hour before she died but she did not ever gain consciousness while he was there. I was told that after the stroke and heart attack she suffered Monday afternoon that put her into the coma-like state she only regained consciousness twice and both times she was so frustrated at not being able to sleep that she started clawing at her arms. At least she got to wake up and see her daughter and her neices. Whether they told her that my dad was on his way, I don't know, but the situation is not that great. I haven't seen her since she was first diagnosed with cancer and my dad and I went to visit to make sure we'd see her before she died. She lived a whole year longer than she was told she would and got to take cruises in the North Sea and other vacations to great places so I am very happy for her. She was never in a whole lot of pain but to continue living after a stroke and a heart attack would have been painful so it was really the best thing. She is seriously the coolest grandmother ever. She cracked me up and she was always very sweet and supportive. Our family was not as close to her as my cousins were for several complicated reasons, but I will miss her. I feel horrible for not breaking down. People are like, "Oh my gosh, are you ok?" and I just shrug. It's hard to miss someone that you don't realize is gone. It's hard to miss someone 2,000 miles away. If I went to San Diego to visit my aunt and uncle and realized I couldn't see my Grandma then I would probably break down and twitch on the ground moaning in tears. Where I am right now it's not something I've fully realized. I am sure if I thought really hard about it then I could make myself come to the full realization, but why bring the pain of mourning onto myself when I am too stressed out to handle it? Right now I will just be glad that her pain is gone and hope that she knew how much I loved her before she went and hope that I made her proud.

I'm surviving. I need to be concerned about me because no one else is going to do it. It's my job to take care of myself and I have been doing a pretty shitty job of it.

Time to go read for my enjoyment because I can.

Check you later,

Jenn