Misty River ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Darkness These sounds first stirred me after a long week of inner turmoil. It haunted me, evoking feelings of nostalgia. Somehow it also managed to show me that one can feel both hope and despair simultaneously. Sitting here now, spread out on my bed and staring up at the blank white ceilings of my room it impresses a sensation of being at the crossroads of my life. Both roads lead to uncertainty, both are lonely and speckled with patches of darkness. One leads to greatness and the larger sense of self, the other to a life of submission of the spirit. Should I aspire to greatness? More importantly, does my soul hold the strength to carry me down that path? Will those I knew remember me when I die on the road? The sharing of words and music is an intimate bond between the most desperately lonely souls. Perhaps that is a bond that will bring memories of me back in a pleasant context instead of tainted feelings of guilt or images of me distraught by life to the point that I kneel before an altar in tears. I don't need to cut my flesh, my mind flays my soul on a daily basis. There is a depth to me that remains hidden, a layer of darkness that only one person has even tasted the dregs of for even the briefest of moments. My biggest fear is that this darkness will push everything from my life. It doesn't matter how much any one person gives to me, I seem to suck their souls dry of every kind emotion and leave them bitter with resentment. Like a black hole compressing everything that enters it. If only they realized by now the black hole of my universe is several miles wide and big enough for any structure to safely pass through and come out on the other side. Maybe then they would actually see the lush meadows of peace beyond all that restricting darkness. I don't want to lose those things which I hold close to me now... But at this moment all I have is the pen and sounds that rend the soul. Eventually I will lose everything, as nothing in life is eternal. I just happen to be one of those people who mourns the loss of things before they are lost. Beyond the first bend in each road lays something dark, waiting to assail and exploit my weaknesses. Perhaps it is a test of sorts to see if I can make it beyond to the next point of light... and I always do... somehow... manage to trudge on and emerge stronger. Humanity seems to possess an innate ability to survive no matter what they throw themselves into. Perhaps this is why so many of us thrive on books showing heroes taking on insurmountable odds and making it through them. I know no matter where your life takes you, no matter what darkness may assail you, you will survive. At times you may feel tainted and lost in shadow, but you will still make it through even that. No one needs a woman such as me to fight dragons for.
11:10 a.m. - 2006-09-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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