Well, it's been three days. Three l-o-n-g days. I guess you could say I've made it, and that I'm surviving, although it doesn't really feel that way. Anything and everything is a constant reminder of us, and I can't escape it. But I'm doing okay. It's to be expected, I suppose.
I feel bad because in the last entry I made my birthday sound like a total disaster. My mom did try to make my day as special as possible, because she knew how upset I was and she didn't want it to be ruined. She came into my room at about 9:30 begging me to get up, because she wanted me to open my presents. It was heartwarming, because I could tell it meant a lot to her. I ended up getting an Old Navy fleece hoodie, some fleece pants with snowflakes on them, a gift set with lotion, shower gel, and body spray that's supposed to smell like "flannel pajamas," one of those stretch bracelets that you can get different links for, and some Spongebob Uno cards. Then she took me out and we checked all the different cell phone providers to see which one had the best deal. And she bought me a cell phone. I know everyone has one these days, but it's been almost two years since I last had one, so it was a big deal to me. When we came home, she made my cake and cooked my pick for dinner, and gathered to whole family to play Uno. She kept looking at me strangely the whole day, like I would disappear if she took her eyes off me. I have a feeling she's going to take it pretty hard when I leave for college.
Speaking of college, I got a letter from Butler yesterday saying that I'm a finalist for a departmental scholarship. I have to go for an interview on February 8th to find out if I get one and for how much it'll be. I doubt that it will change my college plans any, because Butler doesn't have graphic design like Ball State does. But it doesn't hurt to go talk to them, in case they want to be psychotic and give me a full ride or something. Which is quite doubtful. Butler is a private college tough, and the fact that I've even been considered is an honor in itself I guess. I also found out that I can live in the Honors dorms with Brittany at Ball State, even if I'm not in Honors College myself. I need to apply, because they'll waive half of my tuition if I get in, but I'm afraid that my Junior year grades aren't good enough. So we'll see what happens.
And I also need to say thank you to all the awesome people who have left birthday wishes in my guestbook and notes. You guys rock my toe socks!
I talked to Cliff today. Things between us are slowly smoothing over. I think we decided that we are still going to be together, but we're going to take a break until he gets his own place and a few other things settled. It's already hard to accept that we won't be seeing eachother hardly any for another month or two. I was used to seeing him almost every day. But I'll have to make due, because it's the best I can get right now. Things will get better. They have to.
Well, I'm off now. I'm going to the mall with Dakota and Anna in a bit. I have birthday money burning a hole in my pocket.
I think today is going to be better than yesterday.
10:36 am - 01.19.03
So much for a happy birthday.
There's no way it can be happy when you sit and stare at the candle in your slice of cake as your family sings to you and pats your back, and all you're thinking as that he's not there with you to celebrate. Your wish, your only wish, is to have things the way they were.
You play cards with your family and pretend to be enjoying yourself. They can't tell anything is wrong. You even accept a phone call and manage to seem unphased afterward. You smile and carry on like you're having the time of your life. But your thoughts are consumed with him, and you have to fight the tears away when you think that he should be there with you. It's supposed to be that way.
But it's not. And it kills you.
You listen to Dashboard Confessional, and the lyrics make you cry and you can't stop. You wonder how you'll ever manage to move on. Or if you'll manage. But actually, you don't want to move on. You want things the way they were. But the pain in your heart tells you it can't be that way. No matter how much you want to forget about it and be happy again, it's there, constantly reminding you of everything you've lost.
You think, "It's my birthday. This will be a good day." But you know that's a lie. There's no such thing as a good day any more. Just hearing his voice makes you ache with want. But you want the impossible. And you can hear it in his words; you can tell that he feels it to. After all, he said he still hearts you. Hearing that hurts, but in way, it's comforting. At least you know there's a tiny sliver of hope.
Part of you says you're stupid for still wanting to try, but you can't ignore the burn of loneliness. You know it's not right. There's no way in hell it can be right. If it was right, it wouldn't hurt so bad.
"And all I want is not to need you now."
No...not a happy day at all.
11:38 pm - 01.18.03
CLEHR2002: now i said my abc's next time wont you sing with me
funKpucKer182: no
CLEHR2002: fine
funKpucKer182: i dont like the alphabet
funKpucKer182: you know why?
CLEHR2002: why?
funKpucKer182: because u and i arent together.
11:33 pm - 01.18.03
Happy Birthday to me!! I was born 18 years ago, to the minute.
Hmm...anyone up for a gift of Gold or SuperGold membership? Eh? Any takers? Mine's about to run out... *hint hint*
10:49 am - 01.18.03
1. Where do you currently work?
A lovely establishment called Plainfield Health Care. It's a nursing home. I'm a receptionist there. Nuff said.
2. How many other jobs have you had and where?
When I was a freshman back in Texas, I did accounting work for two local farmers. They would bring me their bills once a month, and I'd use Quicken to write out checks and then file their statements and print out reports. It was easy, I got to do it at home, and it only took me around two nights to finish it all up. I averaged out the pay, and it came out that I was making close to $22 an hour, at the age of fourteen. It kicked ass. But other than that, I haven't worked any other jobs.
3. What do you like best about your job?
I used to like that it gave me a chance to finish my homework. But since that has been banned, I don't really like anything about my job. I sit on my ass and answer phones. Sounds easy, yes. And it is. But it's also very b-o-r-i-n-g. I guess I like that I get paid $7.25 an hour to sit on my ass.
4. What do you like least about your job?
More recently, I despise my boss. She favors the other receptionist over me because they are related. And it friggin sucks. I'm to one who gets in trouble any time something isn't done right. It's getting old with a quickness, but I only have to endure four more months of it.
5. What is your dream job?
I'd have to say being in a band is my dream job. I'd get to do what I love while making millions. And I'd get to travel, and have thousands of pre-pubescent little girls oggling over me. Ok, maybe they'd be little boys. But they's still oggle me. Or maybe I just like the word oggle. Hmm. Is it ogle? One g? Hell if I know.
4:01 pm - 01.17.03
Recent entries:
I'm not Allyson! - 07.09.03
- - 06.24.03
a new chapter - 06.23.03
the end of the non-existent beginning - 06.23.03
just when I thought it was over... - 06.22.03
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