Somday I'll have my chance for love.
At work today Jess listened to my Nick story and was all..'youll talk again' and she wondered how i was not afraid of him cuz of the 4 ways to kill me thing... i guess you just have to understand Nick. But she was all smiley at the checkouts and said "I want to grin soooo bad! im so excited about josh but i dont want to look like an idiot jsut standing here beaming!"
I'm happy for people who are in love. I can't wait till someday I am too. I've never had a long relationship, never had a good one either, only been in love once, actually i still am. But thats a lost dream.
Someday I'll find love, someday someone will love me back.
Nick changed my life so dramatically. I realized that in everything that I did today. He's made me an all around good person because he was my role model and if he looked down on smoking or drinking, crying or whining, i'd change myself.
And so here I am. I have morals. He gave me them. This is who I became to be, thank you.
Time to go out on my own. Its upsetting to me that I have a year left with him and I'm not savoring every moment and trying to be with him all that I can but rather choosing to omit him from my life. I think its a mistake, that is until I realize hes the world to me and his friends dont even know he talks to me. Until I remember that he can know a girl for tow minutes and instantly want to be with her, and know me for four years and NEVER give me a chance. You know thats all I ever really wanted. ONE fucking chance like everyone else got.
I never did.
I'll never be good enough.
It really is the end.
12:36 p.m. - Sunday, Oct. 03, 2004
Recent entries:
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