ladymckee's Diaryland Diary
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this is just a test
No music right now
10:23 a.m. - Saturday, May. 31, 2008
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About me survey created from vivelepunk fingertips...
1. What is your name? (for confidentiality of your personal information, only your first name or nickname is being asked for) (all)
Jenny
2. Where do you live? (City/State or Country for those cool international dude and dudettes) (all)
Cantonment, Fl (Moving to Huntsville Alabama)
3. How old are you? (all)
29
4. What is your ethnicity? (hey if you're offended by this question at all, you can skip it by all means, but I'm Korean, a minority in the states, so I have nothing on anyone) (all)
White
5. What is one word to describe you? (or if you're like me, you can cheat and use like ONE hundred) (all)
Regretful
6. What kind of music do you like? (all)
All But Country
7. What are your hobbies? (all)
Saving money, Computer games, My dog, Fishing/Camping, Gardening, Geocaching, Drums, Music, Working on Buying my first house, Working on me
8. If you could wish for anything, what would it be? (all)
Start over
9. If you have read my entries, do you think I'm weird, your typical girl, a smarty, ...? (all)
Sorry to say, I haven't read them yet
10. What do you believe in? (your morals, not your religion if any) (all)
Free spirit, a open mind and treat others with respect.
11. Favorite movie? (all)
Pillow Talk
12. Favorite song? (all)
Anything by The Cure
13. Favorite band? (all)
The Cure
14. Favorite food? (all)
Pasta
15. Do you like sports, what kind? (all)
All sports but golf...
16. Are you into the arts (performance, drawing, painting, poetry, etc.)? (all)
I love watching performances and going to galleries. I like to write, even though I suck.
17. Do you have a band? or do you THINK you have a band? (all)
I don't have a band, but would like to be in one if I could be the drummer.
18. What do you think about September 11th? (all)
A day of truth, a day of lies, a day of sorrow, a day where humanity lives on.
19. If you could meet anyone dead or alive, who would it be? (all)
John Wayne or myself in another life time. (just to see what I did right for once, or what I keep screwing up on)
20. Do you like this site? (all)
It's not bad :)
9:44 a.m. - Saturday, May. 31, 2008
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Sex In The City
I went and saw the new Sex and the City movie... It's a good movie to see if you are happy...
8:53 a.m. - Saturday, May. 31, 2008
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...I seem to calm down a bit looking through his pictures...
...I wish he would start over with me...
It just wouldn't be the same this time! Just wouldn't... heh
...Some days I do okay, and others not so okay... I didn't have this much of an issue till I told him I wanted to try again, and he rejected me...
I really wish I had taken the opportunity while he was here that last time to do shit with him, instead of being all depressed and shit...
This is killing me....I just want to lay next to him..... smell him.....hear him snore....have him hold me...
what am I going to do...I can't stop loving him!
12:35 a.m. - 2008-05-30
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Never going away...
I love you
I miss you
11:05 p.m. - 2008-05-29
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I don't know what I'm suppose to do...
I know what I want! However I've never been so lost...
Sit here and wait? And let him fall in love with here?!?!?
Or fight and possibly push him away from me?!?!?!
This is bullshit... I feel like either way I go, I am screwed!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO!
8:07 a.m. - 2008-05-29
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Today has been very hard... He told he was going to file today for the paper work stating that I wouldn't need to be served... Just it wasn't 100% clear till I saw the transaction...
He must feel relieved...He also rented movie/s at blockbuster... Can only guess that its him spending time with here...
I need to take my name off that account... It's the only thing that ties me really to him... Giving me some incite on whats he doing with his life... Not in a stalking way...
heh...maybe it is...
God I miss him so much!!!!... I wish I could go back and change shit...
All I can think about is him spending time with her... That should be me...
How long do I have to pay for my mistakes... How long will it take to make it clear that he is done with me... I wish I could just get over him and get pissed about shit so bad... I can't though... I just can't...
All I want is to be near you
Have my loving arms around you
Embracing the love we have for each other
For we are to be with no other
Why can't I get it through my head
Thats all in the past
He has a future in his mind
One where I lay to rest
I wish I could cut these feelings out of me,
burn them...bury them...at the bottom of the see
I wish I could erase these memories of him
Hook the wires to my brain and fry that part out of me
NO NO NO
I shall never forget thee, my half belongs to you
I will be alone for all eternity, in another life time we will meet
I will be the girl you wish to be
You will be the loving man you have always been
The pain thats subsides
Wants to roam free in the soil
Recycle the fucked up me
It's the only good that can come
7:40 p.m. - 2008-05-29
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Ga stupid ass period is making me cramping and weak...
I keep having these dreams of Josh... They get more detailed and we get more involved every time...
I keep laying on one side of my bed hoping that one day I will wake up and see him and he will tell me everything will be okay...I want to feel his arms around me so bad!
All I can do is imagine you
Hoping my senses wont forget
So that I can keep you in my memories
Allowing me to explore my cravings
Of once more being with you
The smells opens up my body to you
Craving the touch of your skin making me weak
Craving the taste of your lips arousing me
Craving the sound of your voice giving me energy
Craving the vision of your eyes gazing into me, melting me
7:52 a.m. - 2008-05-29
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I needed to get out of the house after the investigator came over and had me do a photo line up. It wasn't hard to say which one was the correct one. Then I was worried that it was so easy to pick out, but after I looked at the picture again... I new....
So I went and watched the new Indiana Jones Movie... I liked it... Especially after the Russian chick was killed... Probably because she looked like Azure.... lol
I miss Josh a lot right now...
12:19 a.m. - 2008-0529
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The Cure Concert
I feel like a total jackass...
Things were going really good... Chatting with Josh off and on today... So I was feeling pretty good...
Then he sent me some links to some of the new songs for The Cure... Got excited about the new songs and in the long run asked about going with him... As friends of course...Totally forgot about the content of the songs...
Ehhh
heh
I can be such a douche bag....
7:39 p.m. - 2008-05-28
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The Alabama outdoors
I'm currently going through different areas to go fishing, hiking and explore nature in Alabama. So now I'm starting a wish list for places I would like to go.
I really need to find a service that will allow me to upload pictures. Something better than FlickR... I plan on taking pictures again of my new adventures...
11:30 a.m. - 2008-05-28
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Stalking too huh?!...
Seems like stalking would work out to being unhealthy both ways... I'm not sure why she feels the need to do such... She fucking has him... Unless she IS just using him for the money and is worried that I'm going to affect his feelings or flow of money... When thats clearly not the case... heh
7:55 a.m. - 2008-05-28
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...it's kind of cool going over the floor plan... Even though I didn't make the floor plan myself... Making little changes like adding an island or adding a powder room, kind of makes me feel more involved with the building process.
Really wish I didn't have so many bills come up and loaned money out when I had that chunk of change in my account. I could of had a down payment... heh (sigh) I wish I wasn't so erratic with my actions some times...but thats how I get I guess when I'm emotional or lost... heh
10:03 p.m. - 2008-05-27
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So the investigator got a hold of me before dinner and I met with him to talk about a few things. I guess the guy is stating that two people were there at his place while I was there and that my hair was a different color.
The investigator was able to conclude that he wasn't telling the truth and he plans on talking to the two people that he stated was there.
Part of me is very pissed off about him not telling the truth and another part of me is glad, because it just shows what kind of person he really is.
Mom took us all out to Ruby's tonight and now I am flipping full. I don't eat much durring the day so I get full very easy now when I eat dinner. I forget until ll I am finished and then I feel like poking a tub in my side to release the crap from my body.
It's great to be around the boys, because they get my mind of shit. They got me cracking up pretty good tonight. It felt good to laugh again.
9:11 p.m. - 2008-05-27
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Thought this was kind of amusing and a cool/weird gadget!
This is a toilet and washer machine combo. It's to help prevent water from being waisted.
4:40 p.m. - 2008-05-27
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Ohh the investigator finally called... He has been very busy with other cases and was told to take care of those before continuing with other cases...
He did say that he did interview the guy and that some time he would be contacting me this week he hoped to come over and talk some more.
Just want this to be over with, but I want to make sure everything is being dealt with like it should be.
4:23 p.m. - 2008-05-27
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Every now and then my left hand, on the lower portion of my middle finger by my knuckle, it gets really sore... I don't remember having this issue before that incident... I wonder if he bruised my hand internally and not externally or some shit. Seems though that by now it would feel better? Nothing is broken, cause when I try to move the joint around and what not it doesn't really hurt more... Maybe its hurting for other reasons or some shit... It's just really annoying right now...
4:19 p.m. - 2008-05-27
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Well I found a couple of colleges in the area that do offer an associates degree in criminal justices. I have called or emailed them requesting more information on cost, length of course and what not. So hoping to find one that will be in my budge in case I can't get grants and what not.
The tough part is you get what you pay for. So is it worth to pay more and get better education or pay less and learn the information you don't have as you go?
2:43 p.m. - 2008-05-27
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Moms been helping me go through floor plans and looking at additions and what not to help me stay focus...
I don't think she thinks I can do this... Rather afford to do this... I think she wants me to wait and see where things go with me and Josh.. Because I've been really emotional with shit and kind of inconsistent with making plans...
1:03 p.m. - 2008-05-27
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I really wish that he could of done what he wanted to do and I could of done what I wanted to do and live our life as a happy couple... I really wish sometimes that these new plans could have been with him... That things didn't go down the way they did...
I still at times feel as though I should move to Texas and wait for him... However with him being in a new relationship and clearly acting that we have no hope....
Well, I can't change the past though and I have to make myself focus on a new life, since he is as well...
I really wish things could just start now with moving forward, because my feelings get conflicted with what I really want and with what I have to do.
12:48 p.m - 2008-05-27
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Forever in the regret mode...Untill...
Thinking about this new plan... Has sometimes made me feel bad about getting excited...
I need to move on though and this is one way that I can.
and I am TOTALLY not quiting with smoking. I need something to chill me out when I get my head spinning all the fuck with ideas and feelings.
11:46 p.m. - 2008-05-26
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Floor plans
So the following is some pictures of the floor plan of the series I'm looking into getting. The community I will be trying to get into, the home will cost $112,000. This house has 2056 square feet. Now the price will change due to picking any of the options that are in gray.
The exterior of the home comes in a few different styles. This one is similar, only I'm going to pay the difference and have the brick go all the way at the top. The only thing about the exterior is that the sides and back will not come with brick.
It's nothing fancy, but for my first house, it will do just fine!
Then off to the first floor.
I'm not going to get the fire place, but I'm going to try to get an island and a powder room. The powder room will be located in the very back portion of the pantry and you will enter from the family/dinning room area.
I was thinking of going with all tile in the lower floor but that will def raise the price of the home AND I don't want to pay interest for 30 years on tile. LOL
The garage gives me enough space to build a dark room and a sound room for my drums!
Now off to the second floor!
Okay so on this floor, the "Loft" area will be a library kind of... The 'north' and the 'south' walls, I will build floor to ceiling book cases. For what ever reason I couldn't find the exact floor plan online but the other wall will have a window so I can set a bench there. Then in the center I will have a rug and two chairs, table and so forth.
The Loft area can be turned into a bedroom, but I like keeping that space open. The master bathroom is actually very spacious and I plan on adding a shower under where the tub is. The tub will be a garden tub with jets...
A lot of the grayed out options I don't really plan on including cause I can ad those features myself and not have to pay interest on them.
Plan on seeing if I can add water to the island in the kitchen and see if I can run cat5 through out the house. They are really reasonable with their prices! However I need to stay in a budget so in case something happens I can still make the payment.
Hopping I can rent out one of the rooms so that will be extra income to either go to the equaty of the house or save the money for any further expensive. Which shouldn't be for a long while. They have a two year warranty on the entire house and then they have a 20 year warranty on the frame and a 10 year warranty on the foundation.
If I get the lot I'm wanting I will have a farm behind my house, so that will allow queen to have all the mice she ever wanted! I can get a play mate for max as well later down the road once everything has settled!
I took a look at the dog park and its huge! It's located under an overpass right next to a dinky skate park. Has lots of potential so I plan on getting involved and help raise money so they can add water and restrooms.
I had plan on going to a community college for my associates degree and then go to a university to get my bachelors... However I haven't found a community college yet... I didn't looked very hard though...
The bed at Davids made my shoulders sore I think. It was a queen size bed and I shared it with mom and MAX! lol
David though it was amusing how max will howl at fire truck sirens. (grins)
If I get a job with a company thats chained with this company that builds home, they will knock off 5k. So that means 102k for the home. If I get approved for 150k, which I don't want to spend that much... That would leave me plenty for add ons to the home. hehehe
I am going back up in a couple of weeks to look at more shit in the area.
Ohh I thought this was amusing... I saw one of those large buildings where they sell fireworks all year long, and right next to it they had a place that sold propane tanks. The lot was filled with all sorts of different styles of tanks. Of course they are not full... Well, it is Alabama... so who knows.
10:12 p.m. - 2008-05-26
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I'm not going to smoke anymore!
I can't stop thinking about this stuff! I am actually having problems reading this because my eyes are stilll trying to sleep. LOL
I really have nothing to say but I do... So flipping weird to have such feelings right now!
I just wish this shit with the investigation / prosecution would get a move on so that I can start my new life.
Still in all I still have a great distraction now to help me move on with my life!
I am really tickled right now and so flipping excited!
Ohh and I can have the house built in 72 days! The house has a 20 year warranty for the frame, 10 year warranty for the foundation... (thinking) One room in the house is tornado proof. The house is actually very well built for the price compared to what I was looking at before. Part of the reason this development is so cheap is because they were able to get the land for VERY cheap! I get a tax break too because of what county its in or some shit...
AAAHH! I am going crazy right now!
The lots that the homes are on, of course are not huge. However compared to a lot of other homes, They are not as packed as some of the places I have seen.
I"m planning to build a sound room for my drums/music and a dark room in the garage since the plan I'm looking at will have a double garage! hehehe
With all the additions I'm prob looking at 145 to 150k for the home. Cause I want to get the gardent tub in my master room and have a shower. I also want to get an island in the kitchen and possibly the nicer cupboards. I want cable ran into the garage so that I can have a computer set up for my music.
Things like a electric fireplace and pool I will do myself because I don't want to pay interest on items such as those.
It's great! They have a book that I can go through that shows me the prices of additions to the home and I just double the cost and that will tell me how much money I would really be paying for that extra feature... Ya know including interest and what not. They are really reasonable with the add ons too. They take the cost of the item that you currently have subtracted to the cost of the item you want and thats what you pay.
I really need to start looking into the schools to see cost and type of programs.
6:01 a.m. - 2008-05-26
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Wow... LOL I'm going to be moving to Madison! To many things here remind me of home and the cost of homes will make it VERY affordable for me to get into.
This is the first time in a LONG time that I have felt excited about shit... Just have to save money for a few months and then I am going to see if I can get financed for a home. I can get a 1900 square foot home with 3 bedrooms and 1 1/2 bathroom for around $120k Depending on what additions you get. If I get approved with one of their lenders they will take off the closing costs. ALSO! I can put only a $100 down and they will put the house on schedules and build the home! Pluss David and his brother have already gone through the process with the same company and know all the ins and out.
For all utilities for the home I'm interested in is $115 month...Thats including water, sewer, garbage, and electricity. ..
I found out from people that payments will be really cheap... So cheap that its better to buy a home here than rent. Because you are investing!
They also say that with a new house the value of the home in 7 years will double...So if I didn't want to stay I would not be out of money because the value of the home. Plenty of work options too while going to school. Which leads me to my next thing to investigate... Need to find out the type of programs the colleges have here for my career.
I am soooo Fucking excited! I haven't felt this way in a long time! I've just wanted to have a home and be planted for a while! And it looks like I will be able to accomplish this!
They have a huge dog park thats two football fields large! So Max will have a place to run around! Cold water trout fishing is near by too so I can go and fulfill my urges for fishing!
OMFG! heh I haven't been this excited in a LONG fucking time! I actually feel like I can accomplish something now...
I am lost for words right now! But for a good reason this time!
AHH!!! (grins big)
8:18 p.m. - 2008-05-25
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Finally went through some of my mail...
Getting charged $50 bucks for the visit at the hospital... I'm guessing it could of been a lot worse...
Recieved some letters from colleges that I was collecting information from... I keep forgetting I'm going to have to pay out of state taxes... *sigh* I need to check if it matters that I was born in Oregon...
I was thinking about the cost of shit to move... Wonder if I should look closer to move to, like Atlanta or Memphis or some shit... After looking at prices at Uhaul and calculating gas prices... The cost will run about 1k for gas and trailer. If I go somewhere closer I can save 400 bucks or so. Thats money I could use for deposits...I haven't made a choice for college yet so maybe I should look in other cities...
I want to get a fucking job while I wait, but no one will hire me for this short period of time... And I feel uncomfortable not knowing where that fucker is... With my luck I would run into him... heh... It's the main reason for leaving this fucking state... I still can't believe that the investigator said they have anywhere from 3 to 4 cases like this a night... Thats really fucked up!
ga! I can't sleep right now... I should go to bed cause I have to leave here early in the morning to head to Huntsville. Should be interesting riding with mom and Max for 12 hours total. At least I talked her into taking the Escape instead of the Kia, which has NO ac.
I was going to add music to my Ipod, however I can't find my fucking cable... (sigh)
I kind of wish my phone messed up before this shit happened...cause my phone has a scuff mark on the screen...which was caused from me skidding myself on the ground with my phone in my pocket...every time I see it... I think about shit... Maybe I can buff it out some how... Just don't want to fuck up the screen...
Max is getting more and more stubborn when it comes to moving in the back to allow someone to sit in the front seat. It's like he gets all jealous and shit... Couple times now he has tried to force himself in the front when the front seats been taken... He ends up between me and the seat some times... Other times he has gotten himself in the front to the point where I either have to pull over or BJ will just grab him and let him sit on his lap. LOL
ga! 1:30! I need to get up at 4... I should just stay up... Wish starbucks was open this early :(
12:53 a.m. - 2008-05-25
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bah
I had to start a new char on Eve...couldn't remember all the shit...
yay for tutorials! heh
11:22 p.m. - 2008-05-24
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Weird Emails
I been getting a lot of weird emails since I have posted to sell my bowflex, trailer and looking for an apartment...
"
Hi,
My name is James Bill.I am in my early age of 50s and I am an european . I come to the states often mostly for business purposes because I deal mostly in Furniture. I furniture to stores in the states and europe . Infact that is my family business cos we are from france. I bought a house last year in the states cos i love it there .It is peaceful and with a loving neighbourhood. Unfortunately my Mother passed away on the 7th of May 2006 and as the only son in my family i have to go and take care of the family business back in France and i realised that it will be very difficult to supply goods to my clients again in the United states while am away and it will definitely cost me alot to come over to receive payments cos they pay mostly in checks and money orders . Running the business from there it will be difficult and will be impossible especially the aspect of payment and i dont also want to lose my clients or customers there . So what i intend doing is that i am looking for some one to stay at my house free of charge. I dont want to sell the house cos i just bought it and i will have all the rest papers by July but i have ALL the keys now. I am simply looking for someone that is honest and trustworthy and clean for two reasons:
1. to maintain the house when i am away and
2. To help me receive payments from my clients within the USA on my behalf in his/her name and have it cashed cos they pay mostly checks and money orders and have the funds wired to me here in France thru money gram transfer/western union transfer . You dont have to pay me for the accommodation. its just for the purpose of keeping my business going on in the United state.and if you wanna keep this assignment as a job let me know so i can allocate 10% on each payment that you receive if at all you dont wanna live in the house or if you are far from the house. The house is a great one,living room, bedrooms, bathroom, parking space e.tc furnished as well . If you want i can email you more pictures and if you are interested i will send the keys to you via courier so you can go and see the house. It is a very lovely house and there is no way you wont like it. If you are interested in handling my business in the state and keeping the house neat, please send me your full name and address with your phone number and also for me to be able to no how far the place is from your present residential place.I am back in France.
you send back your response to my personal email:[email protected]
I've been hard hearing for 4 yrs so i won't be able to make phone conversations but i can always email you anytime. Thanks
"
and this one
"
Hello
I am interested in immediate purchase of your item.After several consideration over the advert placed on the website, my client has really shown interest in it and would really want to buy the item. I will however like to see the pictures; showing the parts, full body and most importantly the condition before finalizing
the buying process. I wont be chanced to come down to inspect the ITEM so kindly provide me with necessary details regarding the said ITEM. I will as well appreciate if you can reduce the price cos I'm highly interested in buying it
Hoping to hear from you
Thanks.
"
The only thing I can think of is that this is because of the adds I posted... I should track the IP address and see where they came from.
5:51 p.m. - 2008-05-24
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Fucking HEAT!!!
OMFG!
(sigh)
I am sweeting non stop! Mom really needs to get the AC fixed! LOL
I can't be in my room with my laptop cause I cut off my phone/internet to save money.
However I think I'm going to just suck it up with not using net in my air conditioned bedroom and space out at the tv. First I need to run to the store and get some more body wash and take a shower.
I can't wait to get back to fucking normal weather! This shit fucking sucks ass!
I don't even need gel for my hair.. The swet creates an all naturally substance that keeps my hair looking spikie good all fucking day long.
I wish the investigator would call me back...
5:42 p.m. - 2008-05-24
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Fucking HEAT!!!
OMFG!
(sigh)
I am sweeting non stop! Mom really needs to get the AC fixed! LOL
I can't be in my room with my laptop cause I cut off my phone/internet to save money.
However I think I'm going to just suck it up with not using net in my air conditioned bedroom and space out at the tv. First I need to run to the store and get some more body wash and take a shower.
I can't wait to get back to fucking normal weather! This shit fucking sucks ass!
I don't even need gel for my hair.. The swet creates an all naturally substance that keeps my hair looking spikie good all fucking day long.
I wish the investigator would call me back...
2:24 P.m. - 2008-05-24
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Not only will Max enjoy the weather, but he will have a blast with the dog parks.
WOW! Talk about dog park central! Portland has at least 30 different dog parks and I would say a good quarter of them are at least 5 acres and have water!
Fucking fantastic!
Tried calling the investigator this afternoon since I haven't heard from him... I know he is busy, but I am getting nervous how long this is taking... I really don't want to be still here in July or August... I really need to get out of here so I can focus on new shit!
10:11 p.m. - 2008-05-23
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I'm tired of saying sorry...
...I need to start working on me...
Forget the past
4:35 pm. - 2008-05-23
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The only reason I posted this on here, was hoping that I could relate to someone and maybe have someone to talk to...
... You feel bad reading this shit?!
Why were you even reading this shit...
...It doesn't matter what you read, you apparently have your mind set... So why fucking read it...
Then fucking tell me you read it and that you fucking feel bad... What was the fucking point...
To make me feel more like shit?!
I know we went through some ruff shit, but I thought marriage was the way of saying through the good and bad... You knew our history, on how shit was before we were married... When you made that commitment that was stating you were here to stay! I married you not only because I fucking love you, but I felt like you WOULD put up with my crazy as shit...
You stated "I" had to file and that you wouldn't... If I wanted to file and get it over with so fucking fast... Don't you think I would of gotten my license right away when I got here!?!?
Every time you asked and I said no... How could I fucking think living here...Christ sakes I'm living with my family!!!
I wasn't getting the help from my husband when I was going through my shit... So my only options was here?!?!
In the begining of our relationship, when you were going through your shit... Even the cheating I took because I felt it was just you finding your self... Because the fucking day I met you I fell in love with you! Even though I left, that was my way of dealing with it, but I always came back and recoped and stood by you! Because I love you! I never gave you a set fucking time to figure out your shit!
Then when I'm going through a phase or what ever you want to call it... You are not willing to help me?! Because I'm not here for yoU!?! How the fuck can I be here for you?! IF I"M NOT HERE FOR ME!!
...if I am never getting help from whom ever... from what ever... How can I fucking heal... The disease will only get worse...
When you were going through shit, you weren't here for me, like I would of hoped. Hince the reason why my family didn't care for you in the begining... However I had this feeling about you, I have always had this feeling about you... That this was my place, because I love you...
You didn't want to see the picture of what was going on with me... You were done with me... YOu wanted it to be over...
...this isn't about me anymore... You were done with me way before marriage... I'm not even sure why you placed me back in your life... I'm not sure what this fucking game was...
I dare to post anything els on here... I would hate to hurt you any more...
....That sounds sarcastic... Maybe it is
I need to just get to fucking portland and see a fucking shrink and get some fucking happy pills. Because then I will be so doped up that crap that I will either just hide these fucking feelings or it will give me time to finally let them go...
Now that its 6:30 in the morning, maybe I can sleep...
5:04 a.m. - 2008-05-23
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Really wish I had faced my fears...
...Wished I accepted the support and love I received
Todays been a bad day...
...I put our picture back on my desktop...
fuck...heh
12:28 p.m. - 2008-05-22
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need to stop thinking about shit...cause now I am getting pissed off...
12:58 a.m. - 2008-05-22
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I've put my bowflex up on craigs list... Hoping to sell it for $2000 OBO and I paid $2500 for it. This is to knock down debt of of my credit card so that I can use that space for expenses for the move to oregon. heh So I can get the fuck out of here...
I am so sick of feeling sick and so sick of over thinking about shit...
6:50 p.m. - 2008-05-21
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...cold chills running through my body...
...feel my pulse in my throat....
...head bangs from a migraine...
...heart is weak and frail...
...anticipation is killing me slowly...
1:47 a.m. - 2008-05-21
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Strange feelings and intuitions... Please be wrong...
...Even though I know he has his own feelings. I can see how someone new, acting like they care effect some of his choices and feelings... Causing actions or feelings that he may or may not want in his heart... Causing actions or feelings that might even be controlled... heh
...she meant well...why do I have the feeling that she is driving him away...I have a feeling she has played this game before...
...I am sick all of the sudden
...I have a feeling that the letter is for me... That it's not going to end well...
...
...
heh I really hope that its just him healing more and expressing his feelings...and not something els...
...
12:19 a.m. - 2008-05-21
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...Even though my feelings haven't changed, I think today was the first day of at least hiding them pretty good.
...I got out of the house a few times and I've made myself stay in a pretty good mood...
...something about her though, that makes me feel a little on edge...
...Josh is a kind person and I am worried with all his spending habits that she isn't taking advantage of him...I feel that Josh may be a little unstable with feelings... Not that I have room to talk... Just concerned...And I dare to say anything, because I don't want it to be looked at in the wrong way...
think that might have been the main reason of sending that message to her...
Something about it... not sure what... Maybe I'm just being over paranoid...
hope not...
11:18 p.m. - 2008-05-20
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Where did common sense go? Do we really have to put it in the books, that child porn is not free speech!?!?! I mean WTF!
8:34 a.m. - 2008-05-20
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need some fucking orange juice to go with breakfast! :(
8:26 a.m. - 2008-05-20
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fucking memory leaks from web browsers
GGGGggggRRRRRrrrR!!!!!!!!
and my fucking laptop sucks ass! I should of spent little extra money for a better laptop... Such a n00b!
12:54 a.m. - 2008-05-20
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...i am fucking weird... Why would I just send a message to my ex's new gf?
OMG!
eehh I think its a closer thing...
"
I would of sent ya an email but I don't know it...You might think this is kind of weird to get... Maybe this is part of the accepting he has moved on...Maybe it makes it a little more realistic...
Just ask you if you are serious with Josh, to please be real with him. Honest communication is very important to him...Appreciate his quirkiness, because I don't know anyone who has the heart of a kid and still fulfill the rolls of a man...Love him for who he is and support him through the good and bad times... He has a kind and soft heart and is a very loyal and dedicated...and will do anything he can to help those he loves. Ohh and knowledge is important to him, so when he slacks off, kick him in the butt and get his brain rolling again.
I do not know you, so please don't take this as me judging you or threating you...This is sensible jester of just wanting the best for Josh... eeh thats all Take care Jenny
"
I don't think that falls in the category of a crazy ex psycho
eehh it was done in good intentions anyway...
12:32 a.m. - 2008-05-20
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Eve Online
trying to figure out ways to distract me...so I thought I would start playing Eve Online again...
11:00 p.m. - 2008-05-19
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...doesn't feel right... what els am i suppose to do...wtf!
8:13 a.m. - 2008-05-19
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...sent some messages to a couple of real estate company's. Hoping they will find what I'm looking for in my price range...Before when I was in Portland, I was looking at a apartment building in the Pearl District. It was a secure building that was just built and had reasonable prices for the apartments.
I'm also hoping that this crap with the investigation will be over soon...
...Need to call the detail place tomorrow and get that shit done...I can't drive comfortably anymore... Even if that was taken care of...I am still paranoid when I drive... Today I have been trying to make myself drive anyway, because I don't want that to get out of control...If I just knew that the fuckers truck looked like, it would make it a lot easier...When the investigator and I drove by the pricks place, I saw a couple of vehicles... However I don't remember what they looked like because I was ducking, and had my baseball cap on... Just caught a small glimpse... Plus I don't even know if they were even his truck to begin with...
... Maybe its better that I don't know cause maybe I would be paranoid about it no matter where I was...
...Just need to get a fucking job and start school so that I can keep my mind off of shit...Maybe over time shit really will disappear... Even though right now I don't feel that way... Some of my emotions are pretty high strung right now...
1:08 a.m. - 2008-05-19
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...I cant fucking sleep...cant stop thinking about him...
...Not sure how I am going to do this...
...I have a feeling that if I cant suppress these feelings sometime soon, that I wont be in Texas very long...
I sometimes wonder if I am kidding myself... That maybe I should just drive... Drive till I get tired of driving and where ever that leads me, is where I start a new life...Just cut contact from everyone...
...Because the way I am feeling right now, I haven't felt before my entire life...Never been so sick to my stomach...
...I wish I could turn back time...
why does love hurt so fucking bad?!?!?!?!
Why was I able to push him away before....and now I can't?!?!?!
I really wish at times that I had really left for the reason of wanting him to fight for me...Because then I would of had some kind of reason to be pissed at him or some shit...Maybe it would of been easier to handle now...
...I just didn't think he should have to put up with my shit anymore... I was lost and because I was lost, he was unhappy. When I told him that I wanted a divorce, it was because I could feel the anger building up inside of me, over something so fucking small...So the only way to make me take such actions was to tell myself that he didn't love me... Make something up to make myself more angry, and it will work... Then maybe I would have the strength to leave him so that he can be happy... That was the last thing I could come up with to set him free... The shit I wrote up on how I didn't love him, at the time, didn't work...Now I'm learning its leaving a single plot in the graveyard...
...When he came over the other day I was very emotional because of my deep feelings coming back to me... but I knew in his eyes, that he had left me for good... His affection did not exist for me... His arms around me were limp and his words seem so empty...I am not even sure why he came down...So there was no point in explaining the truth...
What was done was done...
...I sometimes sit here and say that I got lucky that night...How can that be true if I'm going to live alone for the rest of my life...How can that be true with the effect that it had on me: leading to only misery. Sometimes just wish it went a different way...It would be so much easier...
I wish I was filled with hate... Because then I would leave him alone... It's defiantly not fair to him now... For me to press my feelings... Especially since he has met someone whom he cares for, whom has show affection for in a total different fashion than ever towards me...Maybe it is true...Even though I need him... He has never needed me...
2:57 a.m. - 2008-05-18
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this really fucking sucks...fucking lost for words...
6:59 p.m. - 2008-05-17
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Communication
I talked to Josh for a while tonight... I think this is one of the first times we have actually talked about shit this way... Even though it was hard, it felt really good to talk to him...We didn't go into detail of actual events that took place... Just reflected how shit effected us...
...realize now, how patient he really was with me...that I was pushing him away...
...that we really have to work on just being friends
...have to set aside the deep feelings I have for him
... Especially if it comes to a point where we will never be lovers again...
...have to accept that even though I might feel that he is right for me... I may not be right for him...
I'm actually looking forward to being a friend more so now, than ever before. Because I don't know what I would do, if I didn't have him in my life.
Tomorrow I need to look hard for jobs... So that I can get the ball rolling on moving to Texas...
I really hope that lady gives me a call back on the trailer... Going to use the money from that for a uhaul to transport my crap to Texas
The investigator called me tonight...
I showed him where the lake was, which ended up being a river. Then we drove out to the pricks house... I was very scared...
Then he took a team back out to the lake to pick up evidence, I'm guessing. They contacted the guy that raped me...
Was relieved when the investigator told me that they did in fact contact this fucker. Because now he knows I'm not afraid to get someone involved...That he is not getting off... The investigator told me that he was acting nervous and that this prick might try to contact me... That I wasn't to answer his calls, just keep track of the date and time. I really hope he gets the full sentence and more for what he did to me... It's my duty to make sure I keep rolling with this because I don't want him to EVER hurt someone els...
I'm actually starting to be able to be angry with this... I am so fucking angry... So much, that if I ever see the fucking prick again, it would be very hard not to fucking beat the shit out of him... I am not sure where this is coming from... I was so scared this afternoon... I think it was a BIG relief when the investigator called me and told me that they contacted the fucker... I really hope this will end soon... I know I have several weeks ahead of dealing with this though... Just have to stay strong and focus on the reason why I am going through with him getting convicted and not focus on the scary parts of the event... Have to stay strong... Have to stay strong...
I kind of wished now I didn't send Josh that ecard... I was temped to ask him to delete it and not read it, if he hadn't yet... Now I'm just hopping the card will expire and that will be that...I don't want him to think I'm not listening to what he is saying... I have to let those feelings go...Its the only way...
1:52 a.m. - 2008-05-17
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...hearing his voice so empty and confident and the way he was talking...She must have been sitting next to him... He was talking so different...I'm starting to think that he has already made his choice...
...he almost acted sicken to be talking to me...like I was being annoying to him...
...yet he states he will be here for me...
...ohh fuck...what will I do...
...his voice really reveled that he has no use for me... that he has no love for me... That he has really moved on...i don't think he even really wants to be my friend...
ohh fuck what will I do....I am loosing the man I love, the man I'm suppose to be with, the only man I ever want to hold me in his arms...
ohh fucks... I am so alone...for the first time...its becoming more clear, that I am really alone..
10:16 p.m. - 2008-05-16
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Letter of explanation
I couldn't help myself... I ended up sending Josh and electronic card last night... I sent it to his gmail account, figuring he doesn't check it that often, cause I didn't want him to be bombarded with what I had to say first thing in the morning... However I have no clue if he read it yet, and if not, if he will read it in time before it expires or before other things occur to make what I have to say irrelevant.
"
Even after all you have to said, I can't help but to express myself... Can't stop thinking about you, not even for a second...
We were both hurting
We showed our frustration and got lost in different worlds
Right or wrong, everyone is different in handling their emotions
We have been together to long to throw it away now
We can't forget why we love each other
I wish I could explain to you more clear than this:
That after having that happen to me... It put things in perspective...Making me realize that I was slowly filling myself with hate from diferent experiances... Making me loose site and making my head cloudy.
No matter what you read or heard, deep down inside me I have NEVER stopped loving you! NEVER! I just got lost for a bit...
Those 12 hours felt like 12 years... Before I saw you the other day I was thinking a LOT. I was so over whelmed with finding those deep feelings for you again, that I couldn't hold back and ask you if we still exist. Trying to explain this because I don't want you to think that I used that negative experiance to get you here! I was so over whelmed with feelings for you that I forgot about that terrible thing... My heart was literally beating so fast it was making it hard to breath...
I know you said you are exploring other people and that if we have anything left to salvage that we have to start over from scratch. I just hope that you will allow me to have such an opportunity.. I hope one day, you will let me show you that I really do love you so much!
Please dont give up on us!
If I ever mad you feel the way I'm feeling right now... I am so very very sorry Josh!
"
Then i made a total fool... Was going through old pictures looking for a specific one and the link was broken...so I ended up asking Josh of a way to get to his broken pictures...He asked for the link and I hesitantly sent it to him...So now I'm sure he thinks I'm psycho for going through old pictures... When I just wanted them to help make me happy...Even though they help, its not as good as the real deal...
12:52 p.m. - 2008-05-16
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Stressed
I think that I am really stressed about Josh...
was having episodes of my arm going numb...
I don't know what to do to make this pain go away...
The blood from my broken heart fills my chest
Compressing,making it hard to breath
Eyes are swollen from the tears that are falling
Clearing the debris that was making me blind
My head is pounding from throwing the bad memories away
Leaving an empty space, thats not going to fill any time soon
...All I know is that I love him so very much... I'm afraid to be persistent on my feelings, I don't want to annoy him and have him push me away... Maybe once I move back, It will be easier to start over... I am just so lost right now, on how I can do anything from here...
It's making it so fucking hard to breath... I cant fucking stop crying over him... I have never felt this torn up before...
12:47 a.m. - 2008-05-16
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I am so sick to my stomach from feeling that I will never have Josh in my life as my partner ever again...
...Josh is sending divorce papers...
I don't think I have EVER felt so sick with anything in my life...Not even when my relationship with my brothers were almost destroyed...Thats saying a lot...
...Trying to stay strong when he talks about this chick...I so deserve this pain...I so deserve it...
5:31 p.m. - 2008-05-15
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Can't sleep...
having problems sleeping...I can smell josh on my pillow...
...I know I love him still because my heart was beating as fast as the the very first day I met him...I wish I could of told him that...I didn't want to make it any harder on him...I guess I didn't want him to tell me that he didn't love me in that way...After having to experience that terrible event...I am not the same person...I just wish I could find a way to prove to him, that I am not the same person...
...Have to be patient and accept the paths that are laid in front of me...No matter how difficult it may be...
11:40 p.m. - 2008-05-14
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Past reflecting the Future... The Future is lost in the reflection
This past 5 days has been very hard...I've been able to say now, that last Saturday I was raped..I'm going through the process of having him prosecuted...It's been a very scary experience...
However in an unpleasant way, its allowed me to put things in perspective...I understand that I am going through a hard time right now, but I really do miss Josh. It's not because i'm scared, even though he did comfort me when he came down here yesterday... It's that I realize life is so short... Things could of ended up a lot worse. The things that I was having a problem letting go...They are so easy to let go of now...More than ever... I've been so pissed off about some things, that I lost focus... My head was leading the majority of my actions while my heart was breaking...If I could go back and change things I would do it instantly... Because I can't, I'm having to pay... Josh has been seeing someone, whom he might have feelings for...
...The thought of not being that person is tearing me apart...
Seeing Josh was really hard, I could tell that I wasn't the only one hurting...Having him hold me made me feel safe and secure, but it also reminded me how much I miss him...I didn't get much sleep that night... I just kept looking at him, asking myself what the fuck was I thinking, when I left him...I wish back then I wasn't such a pussy and would act like an adult. Instead I ran, thinking he would come after me, yet I continued to state that he couldn't do anything to make things better. I don't know where in my mind I left my fucking sanity...
Before I felt like I was loosing him... I know I was going through a lot of shit and because of my actions he probably thought he was loosing me... Just I thought that the marriage commitment meant he would fight it out and be strong for me... While I was trying to figure things out...When he wasn't I got scared and left...So I got mad and upset because he wasn't taking specific actions to get me back... I realize now that isn't remotely fare. Then I was getting even more upset when he appeared to be living life with out me...When I know he was just trying to breath and do something to make him feel like he was still alive...So he would ask if any chance for things to work out... I would be pissed in my head and say no, when I wanted to say yes. I was being fucking stupid and stubborn...Here I was making all these stupid mistakes, when I thought it was only him... I so wish I could turn things around... He is such a wonderful man... I really wouldn't want him to change a fucking thing about him! God I miss him so much...
1.
will do anything to stay in contact with him and to be friends...thats better than nothing...Just going to be hell for a long time to come, till I can adjust to this, or until he takes me back...
So I am working on moving back to Texas, so that I can be closer to him. I'm probably going to make it harder on me, but I have to be near him. He means so much to me!
Even though I want to be with him so bad, I do want him to be happy!
...I'm tired... This week has been way emotional...
...It was nice to hear Josh say that he would like for me to move back to Texas so that we can hang out...Of course we are only friends...Not sure if he was just trying to be nice, but when he was laying next to me, he said nothing was set in stone... So that gives me some hope...
...I don't believe in God, but one thing I do pray now, in case does exist...Is for him to be happy with me...
9:44 p.m. - 2008-05-14
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Backyard...
Finally got the rest of the dirt for the other two beds. Was a little cheaper buying well over half by bulk instead of buying bags. I did buy 6 bags or so of the miracle dirt and a couple of bags of compost. Looks like the tomatoes plants are doing just fine. They are about 3 times bigger than when I bought them.
Now I need to go get several types of peppers plants, green beans, cucumbers, carrots and maybe some onions to plant in the other boxes.
We are also going to be making a seperat box for a few herbs. Haven't decided if we want to build it next to the fire pit or next to the garden. I think mom wants to build it next to the pit. However I'm not so sure now on how the heat will make the herbs act. Maybe it will be just fine...
We had a fun time building that pit. We mixed concrete in the wheel barrel and poured the slabs that were going to be around the pit on one side. The pit was originally done with some old brick from the yard. However it never got leveled as it was being built, so it was lop sided a bit and uneven. So we built a box around the brick and poured concrete between the box and the brick. It seemed to work pretty well actually. It looks a lot better now too!
Of course we still need to attach the brick thats sitting on the top. I think mom is either going to build stair like things on the side where the fire wood is sitting for some plants or herbs or she might lay another slab of concrete. After all the concrete we have been laying. Been trying to talk mom in letting us dig a hole for a pool. Currently we have an above ground one, but its such a pain in the ass to clean. Maybe I should save the energy and cost for when I buy myself a place.
12:40 p.m. - 2008-05-09
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Pensacola Museum Of Art
Went to a local gallery today called Pensacola Museum Of Art to see the �Facing Abstraction� exhibit. I found a couple new artists that I enjoyed quit a bit. Particularly Balcomb Greene, Antoni Tapies and Alexei Jawlensky. I originally went to the show to take a look at a couple of pieces by Pablo Picaso. Picaso has a couple of styles he did and I was hoping to see something on the lines like his piece called �Nude Woman�, �Violin and Guitar� or �Guernica�. I was only able to stay at the gallery for 45 minuets because they were getting ready for a party upstairs. So I wasn't able to take a look at the other exhibit on Emil Holzhauer. Another time maybe... I need to look into other gallery's and museums in the Pensacola and Mobil area.
1:13 a.m. - 2008-05-30
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Deathbed music...
Was briefly talking to a guy today about loosing someone close to you whom you love. It got me to thinking a bit... One thought that came to mind... If I was to ever be in a situation where I was in a coma... I would want a head set put on, playing my current top ten bands from last.fm
10:26 p.m. - 2008-05-07
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