Opening Up

12.19.2005 at 10:30 a.m.

On Thanksgiving, I was sitting at my dinner table, with my husband's mother directly across from me. She was not feeling well - she had a doctors appointment the next day, but she seemed to be handling it wonderfully. She was just a bit sick, and everything was going to be ok. And I wish, with all my heart we could just return to that moment, to that reality, that it was all going to be 'okay.' It seems, that was probably the last Thanksgiving we will ever spend with her. And, if she does 'make it' to next Thanksgiving, things will be much, much different. Much less healthy. And I am just having a bit of a hard time handling all of this.

You see, she has cancer. Advanced stage 4 stomach cancer. It is inoperable. And it has spread. The problems she was having eating, the reason for her doctor visit, we now know is being caused by the tumor, actually blocking the passageway from her esophagus to her stomach.

I was keeping everything locked up, because the last thing we want the kids to know, is something as devastating at this, just before Christmas.

She is starting radiation therapy and chemotherapy today, and it is supposed to be something like 28 intense straight days of it, which will make her feel even worse at first. But the hope is to shrink the tumor enough, so at least she can eat again.

I am terrified for her. I am worried about my husband. I want to just hold him, and tell him, exactly what he said he wants to tell her - that everything is going to be ok. The problem is, we all know better. And how do you comfort someone, when you can't tell them it is all going to be ok? I have no idea what we are facing in the next year - but I know it is going to be hard, and painful, and impossibly difficult.

I keep looking for this strength that I know is in me somewhere. I know it is there. I knew my father's death was fast approaching, I knew how sick he was for the year before he died... I knew when my mother took him to the hospital that night, it would be the last time he was not in the hospital - I did not know he would die that night - I wish I had said good bye - I thought I had maybe another week to spend with him, otherwise I would have gone to the hospital too... but I knew what was coming for a year - I had time to prepare, and I handled it. And in that year, I held myself together perfectly... a couple years later when my house burned down, and we lost everything - I was the one who took charge. Me. Little 15 or 16, whatever age I was year old me. Not my mother. Me.

Where is that strength now?

Could I have become weaker as I have aged? I just see this as so, well, unfair. For lack of a better word. My mother-in-law spent the last 2, even 3 years of her life devoting every second to her husband, who was slowly withering away. He was so very ill at the end, and she was there, just completely ignoring herself, taking care of him the best she could.

She has not even had a chance to finish grieving, to enjoy anything again - and now she is faced with this. When I think about it, I can just feel my heart breaking.

I always pictured her here, for the grandchildren she absolutely adores, for so, so much longer.

Now I got completely distracted... my brother came upstairs to use the shower, which caught me frantically wiping tears from my eyes, promising I was ok... when on the inside, I feel anything but. I just feel like I am falling apart. And I feel guilty for feeling like I am falling apart. I am supposed to be holding myself together for my husband - not sinking into my own deep dark place. And I feel guilty because I am supposed to be so happy and chipper right now for my babies... it is Christmas after all. I am very much looking forward to it, don't get me wrong. But just on the inside, some piece of me if feeling constantly devastated.

The icing on the 'cake' in a manner of speaking has been just how alone I have felt. My husband has been working so late - and the drive from Queens is so long... I have just been feeling so alone.

I know as time progresses, he will be spending plenty of time at his mom's after work. And I am sure there will be plenty of nights he may just stay there. I am fully prepared for that. This is different... he said he would get home 'early' one night last week - he didn't. He did not even really try and promise it for this week. I know he is working hard... I just have to find a balance somewhere.

With all of this - I am trying to get back on paxil. NOT the controlled release kind I was on last time, that I blame for so much of my weight gain. But the kind I was on years ago... just regular paxil. I just think I could use the help right now. Of course, that is easier said than done. My doctor that knows me, the only one I am comfortable with only has evening appointments. And we all know how my husband's schedule is these days right?

I just hate feeling this way. I feel like I am ripping everyone off - it is Christmas... I am normally so happy and everything this time of year. But I just feel so down, and sad, and I am being way too snappy with my kids... and it all just makes me feel worse - because I am being this way.. and I just can't snap out of it. But I want too. I want too so very badly.

Heard in my house: My babies singing to the Christmas commercials. It is cute, and funny.

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