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Warning: Trouble in Paradise
2002-10-24 - 1:09 a.m.

Feeling: Insufficient
Listening to: Dashboard, what else?
Reading/Watching: Dostoevsky

ADVISORY: If you do not want to read the dregs of my fairly heightened emotional state, I suggest skipping this entry. Go have fun in the archive pages instead, because I am about to start some serious, serious whining 'n' pining.
***
As quickly as things began, they seemed to end.

I have no idea how to explain this. To sum up, I will not have sex with Harry. I tried to see if I could ease into it, to make him happy, before I realized what the fuck I was doing to myself and refused to compromise who I am for some guy. I tried not to think about it and see how far I could go, and it was tearing me up inside. Because the person I am would not do that. Not until I am ready.

He does not understand why I am not ready. I told him we come from opposite ends of the spectrum (none of my relationships with guys ever involved anything physical, whereas his relationships with girls were often nothing but physical), and we'd have to meet in the middle. He thinks this means that I won't have sex with him now, but I might soon, since he's been compromising by doing without it for a whole three weeks so far. I think it means we'll be stopping short at third base for a very. very. long. time.

The urgency of his "desire" is only accentuated by the knowledge that he is leaving. He apparently thinks that he has to bind me to him in some way to make sure he doesn't lose me, and apparently taking my virginity is his solution, because he knows it's a huge deal for me. (I don't know what he's thinking, this is my hypothesis.) Or else he wants that as proof that I really care for him.

(He would never hurt me or force me. Know that now. I know that; he knows that. Don't worry about that side of it.)

Basically I told him "this is me, this is what I can give, you can have my heart and soul, but I'm not ready for sex yet." He asked how long it'll be until I am, and obviously I don't know (and don't really appreciate having a time limit set on it).

We've stalled out on this. Because he can't seem to be comfortable with a real relationship where the point is emotional and intellectual attachment. It freaks him out. If we don't have it now, how are we supposed to have it when he's two thousand miles away? And since I've already refused to follow him to Florida (are you kidding? My life is here. And I've known him less than a month.), he's running scared, pushing me away before he has to leave. Making sure I'm the one to end it, so he doesn't have to shoulder the blame. People have been leaving him all his life. I suppose it's safer and more familiar to keep it that way.

This is just... I have no idea. I don't know. Part of me knows this is probably for the best. Part of me wants him with me so badly I feel like I'm turning inside out. And he's telling me he feels rejected and hurt, because I'm apparently "not ready for a real relationship."

If a real relationship has to involve sex, then no, I guess I'm not ready. He's always marveled about how intense I am, how we have this emotional bond, how I'm so "real." Well, real comes with a price. It's going to have to be enough. (Except I guess it's not enough. Which is what hurts me more than anything.)

Today, after hanging up with him (on his words "well then I guess it's over"), I proceeded to cry myself hoarse and then take refuge in Bri's apartment, where I don't have to screen my calls.

All those of you who are familiar with the call-twice rule, it is now in effect.

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