moodymama's Diaryland Diary
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I don't want to mother a teen.
Fine, that was harsh. I can't go two weeks without speaking to my son. He is, after all, a boy. The Girl is another story. She's always sending her precious Grandma emails and letters but she can't think to show me the same courtesy.
I guess I'm jealous of that in a way. I don't know any other daughter who cherishes someone else above her own mother. Makes me feel like I've screwed up somewhere, or like I wasn't a good enough mother.
We used to be close. I don't have it in me to kiss her ass during her pre-teen drama. No one ever did that for me and I'm not sure how to go about that now. At her age, I kept my mouth shut and smiled so I wouldn't get hit. I'm not sure what to do during this little stage of hers. What is the right or inappropriate response and all of that bullshit. My mother took the easy way out and simply hit me to keep me quiet. No wonder she tells everyone that I was an angelic teenager. Those two words aren't even supposed to string together.
This entry isn't going where it was supposed to.
9:34 p.m. - Friday, Jun. 11, 2004
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Tomorrow I'm cleaning house.
So, tomorrow's mail will determine whether or not I'll be speaking to my children for the duration of their vacation. Except the Monkey, of course. I don't have time for thoughtless, inconsiderate people.
There's no excuse whatsoever for forgetting your own mother's birtday. I've been giving my mother birthday cards since I was old enough to scribble. Even if I couldn't buy one I'd at least make her one.
Yes, I'm a bitch even with my own children.
8:22 p.m. - Friday, Jun. 11, 2004
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Rest in peace, brother.
Ray Charles...makes me think of lazy summer days at the pool when I was five. I splashed in the baby pool while Dad hummed along to "Georgia on My Mind" and "You are My Sunshine" playing softly on his little radio. Dad always called him a legend, a talented musician, a good role model for black men.
12:23 p.m. - Friday, Jun. 11, 2004
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It's so quiet in here.
My film class is over and next week I start my math class. They changed it to something called College Math since they'd accidentally signed me up for Calculus. College Math signifies to me that they think I'm retarded when it comes to mathematical issues. So tomorrow I'm taking that test where if I do well, I don't have to take the stupid class. I'd do it today but I should probably study for it first since it's been a while since I've taken a math class.
I'm not mathematically inclined. I'm also scientifically-challenged. Those are my dumb spots. I didn't make it past Trigonometry in high school, and even in that class I averaged a very low 'B'. I don't breeze through math and science like I do with classes that require you to be verbally articulate. Actually, I like classes like Biology but Chemistry induces sleep.
I don't know. I can't stand problems that take more than two minutes to solve. I lose interest and get all flustered. I don't have time for that crap. Okay I do have time, I just don't have much of an attention span.
I'm like that with people who talk slowly too. Like I want to finish their sentences or light a fire under their asses so they'd spit it out. I also hate it when people slur their words together. Makes me wanna wash their mouths out with soap or feed them jalapeno peppers. T slurs his words, which causes me to either be irritated or disinterested which means that I don't pay attention to half of the things that he says.
I wish I had a mango right now. Or any kind of fruit. I might have a rotted banana but I don't do rotten fruit. I might have apples but they're Gala and I want Red Delicious. I ate all of the cherries already too. Gave me such horrible gas.
I'm feeling better today. I think I might even be productive and get out of my pajamas. Notice how every sentence starts with "I"? Probably means I'm self-absorbed. I mean I am, but that's not the point.
T painted the hallway last night because I was too lazy to do it. It's some kind of cream color with white trim. Brightens up the hallway and stuff. I noticed that he dragged The Girl's dresser out of her room and put it in the kitchen. I see sandpaper on top of it and a can of paint next to it. Is that a hint? I was planning on painting it anyway, but now that he's dropped that blatant hint I'll have to put it off for another week. It'll irritate me to have to walk around that dresser in the kitchen but that's alright. I have issues with people telling me what to do, either directly or indirectly.
Even after a week, I keep thinking that I hear kids on that monitor. I should turn it off. Maybe the house is haunted. Great! Now I'm paranoid and must open all the blinds!
I need to pluck my eyebrows and change my clothes.
7:55 a.m. - Friday, Jun. 11, 2004
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Deceived
About the handwriting thing...the part about deceiving myself or whatever. I've figured out what it is. Actually, I'm taking two lucky guesses.
It's either my marriage or being a Christian.
Let's flip a coin.
10:13 p.m. - Thursday, Jun. 10, 2004
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And the handwriting reveals...
So, I took a handwriting analysis. Interesting stuff, especially the part that says I'm deceiving myself about something in my life but don't know it. Oh, and I'm a smartass. Eh?
On this first choice, you checked "High ending strokes that go up into the air".
Your choice indicates that you have a strong need for attention, and that you revel in the limelight. Perhaps you should consider getting into politics! (Do you like kissing babies?)
Regarding letter size... you clicked "Medium".
Because your writing is neither really large or small, then we know you are not as intense as those who write really small... nor are you as flighty as those on the other extreme. You fall into the middle-of-the-road on this character trait.
Your emotional outlay is exactly halfway between an introvert and an extrovert. So you have the best of both worlds: the ability to think logically and make hard decisions... and at the same time, you can still be very emotional. Which means that you can spend time (and get along) with different personality types.
You're an expressive person, and aren't afraid to show your emotions outwardly. And you probably cry when you hear a sad story. You can be kind, friendly, affectionate, and considerate of others. And even put yourself in the other person's shoes.
When convincing you to buy a product or an idea, a sad story could get the sale... when logic might not accomplish anything.
Looking at the letter "i", you chose "i-dot is 2-3 letters from the stem... or there is no dot at all".
This signifies a lack of attention to details. You're off to the next project, without taking the time to finish the one you're working on. Better slow down... you may miss something really important!
Oh boy... the letter "o"... this is a very insightful letter.
When you picked "Entry loops on the left side, but no exit loops on the right", you were telling me that you are deceiving yourself about something in your life... and you may not even be aware that you're doing it. Try to determine what's going on, face the facts, and get on with your life.
When I asked about the shape of the tops of the humps in the letters "m" and "n", you chose "Vary between rounded and pointed". Your represent the best of two types of reasoning styles: The "cumulative" and the "comprehensive". You can process information both in a cumulative/procedural fashion... and also in a comprehensive/fast manner.
The cumulative thinker likes to take the time to gather all the facts before forming a conclusion. On the other hand, the comprehensive thinker likes to see the big picture... without getting too deep into the details, and quickly form his/her conclusion.
Because you can process information in both a cumulative/procedural fashion... or in a comprehensive/fast manner, you can easily adapt to the situation at hand. If you're with a cumulative thinker, you can slow down and explain every detail. If you're talking to someone who only wants the bottom-line, you can speed up your thinking, and shorten your presentation.
This ability is critical to effective leadership.
This is an important trait!
People that cross their "t's" in the upper middle are pragmatic and secure with themselves. You have the confidence necessary to make changes in your life that would improve your situation.
Keep growing and stretching!
When asked how the t-bar ends, you chose "Knife-point toward the right".
This tells me that you are a bit of a smart-ass. Sorry... the politically correct term is "sarcastic". This trait is usually exercised as a means of defending your ego. Sometimes your sarcasm comes out as a dry sense of humor. And expressed in this positive manner, people really enjoy it. But on the other hand, if you're at all insecure about yourself, your sarcasm can be directed at others... and be very hurtful. It's your call!
Concerning your y's and g's, you chose "Medium loop".
This tells me that you still have healthy physical drives... yes, that means both sexually... and in your ambition. Concerning sex, you aren't a prude, but you're not "loose" either... you just enjoy it with the right partner.
The larger-than-average letters in your signature indicate a tendency to show the world your self-assured and confident side. The bigger the letters... the stronger the ego.
The bigger the personal pronoun "I"... the stronger the sense of self. So a larger capital "I" indicates you think quite highly of yourself. ( Not necessarily a negative!)
6:50 p.m. - Thursday, Jun. 10, 2004
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Too lazy to even scratch my ass.
I'd love one of these:
I'm not as cranky as I expected to be. Just feeling lethargic and basically lazy. The most that I accomplished today was pulling my pajama pants up and down each time I went to the bathroom.
I should call the nanny and check on the babies.
6:37 p.m. - Thursday, Jun. 10, 2004
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Potential
"Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams.Think not
about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential.
Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with
what it is still possible for you to do." -- Pope John XXIII
4:13 p.m. - Thursday, Jun. 10, 2004
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Damage control
This is what I did today for damage control:
-Pawned a DVD player, my scanner, an old boombox, and an old Sony Playstation on Two Notch Road for $96. Didn't tell the lady that the DVD player only works for the first five minutes. :o)
-deposited the money that I took out on the credit card last night
-ran ads in a pay-when-you-sell paper for the Blazer, the crib, and the car seat.
-ran ads for my old textbooks since I can get about $100 for them.
So, hopefully I'll sell these things before we go to Hawaii so we don't have to worry about bills while we're gone. I don't think my mother realizes that even though she pays for our plane tickets, it still costs us a lot of money to be there. The cost of living alone is outrageous whether you live there or you're visiting.
I'd stopped puking and started doing that thing where I scratch my hands raw. I have two smokes left and I'm not looking forward to being a Withdrawal Bitch, but the good thing is that I've been wanting to quit for health reasons. So far, I've only scratched enough for three bandaids. I took a Benadryl so hopefully I'll stop scratching and get sleepy.
Sleeping is always a cheap and non self-destructive escape.
7:10 p.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 09, 2004
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No money means clean lungs.
Oh yeah, as of today I'm quitting smoking. Not by choice, of course.
Hrm. Maybe flashing my tits on Two Notch Road will at least get me a carton of smokes.
7:09 a.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 09, 2004
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Insert dramatic sigh.
I've puked three times this morning and I haven't slept. I do that when I'm nervous.
T took out money yesterday, and the statement had a peculiar amount. I suspected that the mortgage check hadn't cashed yet and I was right. If that statement is correct, we'll be two hundred dollars overdrawn by the end of today if the mortgage check cashes. That was the first time I puked.
So then I had to take money out on a credit card to cover that two hundred dollars AND have money for food and gas. I'll have to deposit it as soon as the bank opens. I don't do cash advances but I had no choice.
Now since I'm assed out of two hundred bucks, this means that my car insurance and the cable bill will be late unless I charge it. Geico doesn't fuck around and let you slide for more than a month. I mean, car insurance is a must, ya know? Thinking about that brought on the second spew of vomit.
On top of all that, I'm not receiving my child support checks which would've taken care of all this had I gotten it. So now I'm just livid beyond belief and want to put a hit out on that bastard. You know, because he doesn't deserve to live and all that. So having steam blowing out of my ears and fire shooting out of my nostrils made me puke again.
Some people go through this sort of thing on a daily basis. Me, I'm spoiled rotten and not used to living this way. I get all bent out of shape and can't think straight.
T called in sick today. Actually, he has thirteen hours to use up by the 22nd. I heard him say that "my wife is nerved up and puking her intestines out and I must keep an eye on her". Eh, I'm not a baby. So I'm having a mini-nervous breakdown, what else is new?
Fuck this. I'm gonna whore myself on Two Notch Road today. Think I'll get fifty bucks for just flashing my tits? Hrm. They are some really cute tits.
6:47 a.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 09, 2004
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I hate money, but I love it too.
I just wrote a check that will float and hopefully not bounce. T wanted to take me to Myrtle Beach on my birthday, but I'm not sure if we can afford the gas. He keeps asking me what I want and I don't know how to to tell him that we can't really afford anything. Knowing him, he'll charge something and then I'll worry later about paying the bill.
I hate being broke. I'm looking forward to going home, but at the same time I can't wait to get back so I can get a job.
I might journal more later. Andromeda is here with her kids, wearing a hole in my carpet with her pacing. I should be a nice hostess and get offline.
8:44 p.m. - Tuesday, Jun. 08, 2004
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Award for Best Entry
I just stretched and my back cracked and it felt good. Before that I picked a whitehead off of my cheek.
Isn't this just the most entertaining entry ever?
12:16 p.m. - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004
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