mr-onion's Diaryland Diary

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Ol' Dirty Onion

I meant to use this space to dissect the tender moments I spent with food/alcohol poisoning this weekend, but something more important came to my attention.

The entire music world is hanging its head today � what�ll we do in a world without Ol� Dirty Bastard in it? I suppose Mrs. Dirty Bastard is now Mrs. Widow Bastard. or Widow Dirt McGirt or Widow BZA or The Widow Dirt Dog:

http://www.wutangcorp.com/index.html

http://www.ripodb.tk/

Celebrities are dropping like flies lately. Spalding Gray threw himself off the Staten Island ferry. John Peel had a heart attack. Yasser Arafat succombed to his mystery illness. And now Ol� Dirty Bastard dies in the studio.

I�m still waiting for Adam Brody to collapse on my doorstep from extreme split ends. *tap* *tap* *tap*

I want to see something positive on television, otherwise I could just read books, but dammit they have no moving pictures!!

I demand to see human-interest stories on my local news about Siamese twins doing synchronized swimming.

I want to hear about the children that escaped from Michael�s bedroom in Neverland!

I fancy seeing The Simple Life XXXVI where Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie try to find their Preparation H to stop that mad itching/burning sensation up their nether regions�.which then turns out to be a yeast infection from a mislaid donut.

I compel CNN to show me something anti-American � like Colin Powell throwing in the towel...oh right he already did that. OK, how about some unpatriotic coverage about Immigration Canada�s recent flood of inquiries from U.S. citizens trying to get into the frozen north?

I want to see the obituary of an "inspirational magnet" writer. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life!" *bah* more like the first day in a succession of hot-poker-up-the-arse-filled-days in Hell. With Whitesnake playing "Here I Go Again" over and over and over.

I petition Fear Factor to produce some NON-Type A personalities to compete in a civil manner without showing us all that barely contained booty bound in Lycra.

Mark McGrath getting laryngitis on "Extra".

And to the Ladies of The View, I abjure you to please please pull off the prosthetics and show us your lizard skin underneath...just like "The Thing"...or "V the mini-series" but bloodier.

And I would pay paper money to see Lara Flynn Boyle eat something on national television. Anything. Cardboard. Styrofoam. Rusty nails.

8:23 p.m. - 2004-11-15

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