2003-03-12 - 3:40 a.m.

Grandma Help Desk...

My grandma Nono (yes, that is really what I have called her since I was 2) is just the cutest thing in the world... Don't believe me? Well, here she is -

See, told you so...

That pic was taken in Vegas where we all went last year and she sat up until 2 am playing nickel slots... Everytime she won anything, even 2 nickels, she had to cash out... She wanted her nickels in her bucket, not in the machine...

Anyway, she is a fiesty little grandma in her mid 80s and is one of my best friends, I talk to her several times a week, if not daily... Especially if there is anything weather related going on... The Weather Channel is MTV for old people... The grandparents watch it constantly and will call me hourly with updates at my office if a storm threatens... "What's the weather like there? Well go home early if it starts to storm. It's raining here. You do have batteries at home right? Okay, because you might fall asleep with a candle burning and burn the house down. Now if your power goes out, you can come stay with us. I'll cook something. What do you want? Are you hungry? Did you eat a good lunch?" And so on...

She used to really be on my case about getting married until finally one day I asked her if maybe she thought I should wait until I found a good one so I didn't have to do it more than once... She and my grandfather (usually referred to as "That Man" - as in "I don't know what is wrong with That Man, I told him not to do that") have been married for over 60 years now... If you ask him, he will tell you he picked her up on the street corner (prompting a "That Man" and an eye roll), which is not untrue, he just likes to leave things out to tease her (he was riding in a car with my grandma's cousin and Nono and her sister were waiting at the bus stop when the cousin offerred them a ride)... You can tell they are still so in love... That is what I want, which is why I told her I would wait to find the right guy... She couldn't argue with that logic so her new advice to me is, "honey, you can love a rich one just as easy as you can love a poor one"...

Anyway, my grandfather is in the Lion's Club, a District Governor to be exact, which is pretty high up there on the Lion's Club rank (he's pretty much the troublemaker around there because he gets tired of the politics and general crap, I came by my rebellious streak honestly, that's for sure)... Because he is so involved, he gets lots of correspondence from all sorts of members and my grandmother has all sorts of forms to fill out on his behalf, that have had to get more up to date with technology... My dad decided it would be a good idea to buy them a computer so they could get email... He bought the computer, I pay for their net access...

Sounds like a pretty good idea right? Well it is until you realize that they still have trouble with the cordless phone... You can tell my grandmother is on the other line when you call because she has issues with the flash button and you get a "---LO" because she is never quite sure when to start talking once she clicks over and cuts off half of her hello... Their cell phone calls me twice a week without fail and I hear them just talking in the car or the house... I have had to leave work to go get a butter knife out of their fax machine when Nono tried to fix a paper jam... But still, we tempted fate and got them the computer...

When the computer was first delivered, we had extensive lessons on how to check email, do word processing, etc. and I wrote them extensive but very simple written directions on everything, just in case... But there are of course scenarios that these directions don't cover, especially when Granddaddy stands over her shoulder, gets her all flustered and pretends he has a clue because he is the man (his idea of checking email or searching the web is just to click on everything on the screen until something he likes happens - one day I am sure I will find one of them having a heart attack over endless porn pop up ads, but so far so good)...

And because I am easier to find than my sister who has a sales job, I get to play Grandma Computer Help Desk on a regular basis... Seriously, the people at Compaq should be paying me for getting them out of this one... The conversations go something like this:

"My printer won't print, can you fix it?"

"What is the printer doing?"

"Nothing, it just won't work. What's wrong with it?"

"Nono, I am at work, I can't see what is wrong with it. What does it say on the screen?"

"Nothing, just my letter is on there."

"Is a light flashing on the printer?"

"Yes."

"Which one?"

"The red one."

"Is there paper in it?"

"Where would that be?"

Or something like this:

"I was trying to check his email and That Man was standing over me and now the computer won't do anything, even my mouse is gone."

"That's okay, Nono, just hit those 3 keys all at once like you have to do sometimes to reset it, control, alt and delete."

"Is delete that 'd-e-l' key?"

"Yes"

*Nono mumbling under her breath about keys and mice and That Man*

"It still won't do anything."

"Okay, well turn off the computer and turn it back on."

"It still won't do anything."

"You turned the computer off?"

"Yes, that big button right here on the tv screen thing right?"

"No, the big button on the front of the main part on the floor next to your desk."

"Oh. Where is That Man?? I am just going to make him unplug the damn thing!"

And so on like that... Usually when I am totally swamped at work...

So tonight, I brought a ton of work home with me and am doing more stats when she calls with yet another computer question... This one was a new one for me...

"I was trying to type a letter for That Man and all of a sudden it is gone! The computer still works, just my letter is missing."

"Did you close the program?"

"No, it is still on, this word processing thing."

"Did you hit one of those little x's in the corner to close the document?"

"No, it just disappeared."

"Did it ask you if you wanted to save anything?"

"No, nothing like that, it's just gone."

"Did you press any buttons before it disappeared?"

"Just that big enter key several times."

"Okay Nono, press that up arrow by your numbers."

"There it is!! I can't believe you found it!!"

You just have to love Grandmas...