duck-shaped pain

So, now I'm back. I had a reasonably good time, and I'm now trying to deal with the fact that I now want to move back to Denver, something which I haven't previously thought of as an option before.

The entire time I was there, all I could think was, "hey! I want to move back!" Whether this is really the case or not remains to be seen � I've been debating all day whether said desire is just a reaction to being in a place for once where there are people I like and there are things to do, [1] or if I truly want to be back and it just took me a while to realize that.

So why haven't I wanted to live there up until now? For a long time, I figured that I was done living there. I lived there for five years, had a great time, and met a lot of people of both the friend and freak variety. But, when I left, I figured that I was done with that part of my life and it was time to move on. However, Denver is many times more interesting than here, has a great job market right now, and I actually liked being back. Last time I visited (October of last year), it felt like visiting high school on a trip home from college � great at first, but growing lamer and lamer by the hour, until you remember why it is that you were so happy to leave in the first place.

I think, though, that if I were to move back, it would be different than it was when I lived there last. I'm a different person than I was a few years ago in some ways � I feel more mature, more grounded, more definite about what I'd like to do with my life. [2] Most of my friends seem different too, in good ways.

Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just feeling hungover from being around decent record stores and Middle Eastern restaurants and stately old brick buildings that are the result of Denver's odd building code or something like that. Maybe I'm just hankering to move back because it represents an easy way to get out of here � there won't be the difficulties of having to find my way in and around a new city. I won't have to adjust to strange new weather patterns � I already know about the freak October blizzards, those two really fucking cold weeks in January, the rain in May � and I will be around others who start talking about how "muggy" it is when the humidity goes over 25 percent. I know what neighborhoods I'd like to live in, what places to avoid. It would be cheap and relatively quick to move there, and I have job contacts up the wazoo. [3]

What, you might ask, about New Mexico? Wasn't I planning on moving there? Sure, maybe. I'd still like to. It has a few disadvantages, though, which have been weighing on my mind lately. It has a terrible job market. Since I'd actually like to find a job I don't hate, this is important. Moving there from here is difficult � actually near-impossible in the winter. There isn't a direct road or interstate (unless you take the long, looooooong route) from here to there. The drive from here to Albuquerque involves driving over several very steep and windy mountain passes. They're okay to drive in summer with a car, but driving them anytime soon with a truck or moving van would nearly be impossible.

Plus, for some reason, I feel like I would need to save up more money to move there. Not just because of the added moving expenses or the uncertainty of finding a job right away, but also because I feel like I'd need X amount of money to feel secure about moving there. Whereas, I feel like I could move to Denver right now, with the amount of money I have in hand. Not like I'm going to move this second, but you get the idea. I don't know why this is � maybe I feel like I'd be more inured against the stresses of moving somewhere new with more money. Who knows what it means.

Whatever I decide, someone's going to be happy and others are going to be disappointed. My friend Z., who actually lives in New Mexico, has always seemed really excited about the fact that I was thinking of moving there. Then again, everyone I ran into in Denver was really jazzed by the idea that I might be moving back. I guess it's good that people want me to live near them.

I found a few jobs in Denver that I'm interested in. I'd tell you what they were, but I don't want to jinx any chances I might have of getting them. I told everyone who asked that if I got a job, I would move back. So, we'll see. Right now, I'm trying to get my resume together, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. It seems so much more important this time and I keep writing and rewriting everything on it, trying to make myself satisfied with it. I'm that nervous.

[1] My current reason for thinking that this isn't true is the fact that I had no desire to move back to Portland when I was there in August. If it was just a case of being somewhere interesting for a change, I would have loved being back there. But I didn't.

[2] Don't ask me to tell you what that is, though � it's in the head somewhere and I haven't been able to really articulate it yet.

[3] A small, compact wazoo, but a wazoo nonetheless.

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