My sister Lisa graduated from college with her Associates degree in criminal justice this Friday. On Monday, Gena called to talk to me about it. And I had decided that we would miss the actual graduation itself and just go down a couple of weekends later for the party since I was unsure as to whether or not I could get the time off of work to do both. But after talking to Gena about it, I decided that being the oldest sister of our clan- I could not sit home and work while one of my baby sisters was graduating college! Mind you, my father has 4 children and of us 4, none of us has graduated anything. We all dropped out of high school before we could. So this is a MAJOR thing for our family.

So I told Shawn that I was going down. I took a vacation day and set my plans in stone, and in quiet as I did not want my sister to know. Shawn was a bit miffed that he wasn;t going. But we disn;t have the money to stay at the motel like usual and he is not comfy stayng at my Dad's so I didn' think to take him. And I didn;t know that it would trouble him so terribly.

So I left Friday morning. I arrived after a long 2 hour drive and suprised Lisa. At first she thought I bought her a new car. (As if! The KIA is MINE! Not to mention I'm a broke big sister!) And then I jumped out from behind it. We ran into one anothers arms and hugged and we cried. It was awesome.

Lisa's graduation went well. I have never been so proud of her as I was the moment she took the degree fake from the Dean and walked toward us in her cap and gown. My little sis has come a long way across a road paved with blood, sweat and tears. But she did it damn it. And for that, I am amazed and oh-so-proud.

Then, Friday night, I called Shawn who told me that we needed to talk. I knew something bad was happening. And then he pleaded with me to not hang up. Then and there, my heart sank to my toes. Turns out, I had confided rather stupidly in his sister and Nicol a few days before about my unsurities about my relationship with Shawn. I confided that another man had stolen my affections briefly and that now, more than ever- I am so damn confused. I regreeted it the very next morning, but I was at a point where I needed to get it all of of my chest. I just should have picked a better couple sets of ears I suppose.

Lesson One in relationship security: No matter how tough or bad things get... do not confide in your loved ones siblings about scary shit.

Apparently, his sister Samantha waited until she knew I was safely out of town to run here and tell him everything I said. A bit fluffed up mind you and a bit more dire than I had thought I presented it. And then, her girlfriend Nicol told her that while she was out of the room, I had supposedly admitted to sleeping with the other man. Which I in no way, shape or form admitted to since it hasn't happened!

So Shawn was chomping at the bit and rather distraught by the time that I got around to calling him that night. We talked for quite awhile and long into the wee hours of the morning as I explained that yes,I had said a lot of the stuff that was brought up. I am confused. I am scared. I did kiss another man. I did start developing feelings for another man. I did feel like Shawn had been improving in the relationship- but that perhaps it might just be a bit too little, too late. But that I do love him. That that hasn;t changed. That I still want desperately to try to get us back to good and have been as much as he has.

Things between us have definately been strained. It's not his fault. It's mine. I have changed drastically since my gastric-bypass. My mind along with my physical appearances have been drastically altered. And I have been struggling with that. I don;t know what to say about it all other than that I no longer know who I am, who we are as a couple, or what I want from anyone or anythign anymore.

But I can say this. Nicol is a dumb bitch fucking with my life. I did NOT tell her that. And I don;t know why she's all of a sudden trying to fuck with my life other than for the sake of doing so, but I will vow to you this... when you fuck with this bull. You get MY horns. Her shit is a bit weak. I guarantee you that mine is not.

I understand Samantha's loyalty to her brother and although I am a bit hurt, I guess I can not blame her for going to her brother. It's what a sister should do. But Nicol? And after all I have done for them. I gave them the $400 loan they needed to get the car they bought recently because their previous one went to hell. I have taken them out and paid for everything because they were broke time and time again. I just last Thursday loaned them over $100 when they needed it to pay their rent or they faced eviction. They have stolen from me, they have broken many of my rules that could have ended up in dangerous disasterin my home and I over looked it all. THIS, this will NOT be over looked. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever.

Saturday, I awoke from a very few short hours of restless sleep to get up and bathe and prepare myself mentally and physically for a trip to the hospice to see my Aunt Brenda. My sister Gena showed up and we took off as I tried to put the mess I was in with Shawn and to concentrate on my Aunt.

My cousin Chrissy was there with her in the main dining room when we arrived and they were both happy to recieve us. My Aunt looks very well for the state she's in. And my God, is the woman in high spirits. I don;t know how she does it. If anything, I have learned from her that I come from a blood line that offers up eternal strength, even if only through and for my Aunt.

The cancer is quickly claiming her in small, teasing strikes. She is practically paralized on her right side so she has is no longer able to walk or use her right hand. The tumor has claimed most of her speech and left her struggling to say what she so desperately wants to say. But my cousin being as intelligent as she is, fashioned a tin cookie sheet with magnetic words and letters for her use to communticate- however my Aunt seems to not like this method much and continues to struggle speaking as best as she can.

We sat and talked for awhile, then at my AUnt's request, we loaded into my cousin's Saturn and headed out for a road trip to look at her Dad's new fence, to get an ice cream and to see the newly constructed and highly expensive mansions loacated in a newer subsdivision on a golf course right behind the hospice center. It was a wonderful day! My aunt even sang to an old tune in the car with us that sounded so loud, so clear that we all were shocked.

She handed to me a gold ring with a tear drop shaped sapphire and many diamonds abou tit taht she's worn and treasured to give to my Mom. My sister Gena and I were botha bit shocked and horrified. We tried to discourage my Aunt from doing so but she wouldn;t have it. So later as we stepped outside for a bit of air, tears took to my eyes when we discussed it. I could not, would not give the ring to my Mother. My mom would no doubtedly pawn it when she needed the money for a beer and a pack of cigs. I was horrified. After calling my cousin outside, Gena and I explained our dilemma and that we would like for Chrissy to keep the ring. She said no, we should keep it and that her Mom didn;t need to know any different. And before I knew it, Gena and Chrissy decided that I should have it.

I am wearing it now on my right pinky finger. I haven't taken it off since except to clean it. Ironically, it's the same exact band that my engagement ring boasts and I love it. Not for the beauty of it- and it is gorgeous. But because of the sentimental value behind it. I will wear it and treasure it always.

When we got back to my Dad's, I called Shawn who dragged me out of my saddened state over my aunt and back into the turmoil that our relationship was in. I was emotionally overloaded. He asked me to come home. So I left early much to my family's sadness and suprise. But I had to go try to save what I could.

After 2 hours of driving, I grew more and more angry with the whole situation. There I was, home to see my sister graduate. Visit my dying aunt and spend time with my family doing the things I needed to be doing. And there Nicol was sitting back and stirring her witches brew that has caused my life to become the hell it is.

It's my own dumb fault, I know. And I still don;t know where things will go from here. Nothing has changed. I am still at a loss for words as to what is going on in my mind. I am still unsure of where my heart belongs and what will happen between Shawn and I.

Shawn and I have spent hours pouring over our thoughts, emotions and feelings. We're truly being open and honest for what it's worth. So if anything, it's a start to say the least.

As for Samantha, I'm hurt but I understand.

And Nicol, let's just say I'm not done with her yet. I will assure y'all this... she fucked with the worng woman this time.

Thanks for tuning in...

Simply, Sadly, Sedatedly,

Sara