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singlegirl's Diaryland Diary

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Friends in Low Places

When it rains, it pours...

I had horrible anxiety all day Friday. I got so worked up (i.e. sad, depressed, angry) about the sex toy party that I couldn�t go. I had the hardest time breathing and I knew that if I went, I would have an awful time (plus I would be awful company).

I took a pill, drank a glass of wine and went to bed. On one hand I was sad that I was missing the party, but on the other hand I knew that I couldn�t do it.

I found out on Saturday (which was spent alone, on the couch watching TV, until I drank wine, took a pill and passed out by 9:30) that I was the topic of discussion at the Sex Toy Party.

One of my friends (she doesn�t really feel like one at the moment) took the liberty to drive by my apartment to spy on me (she lives 20 minutes away). She saw Jeremy�s car and announced to all the girls at the party that Jeremy was staying with me.

The girls are a). angry that I lied to them and b). hurt that I didn�t tell them.

When I found out, I was SO angry. First off, why do I have to tell them? It is my business and not theirs. Do they tell me everything about their lives? Did my friend who slept with the married man call me every time she slept with him? Did my other friend who was addicted to cocaine call me every time she went on a coke binge?

And my �friend� who spied on me? If she was really my friend, she would have talked to me about it first instead of running to the party with �the latest gossip.� �Oh my God. Liz lied to us! Jeremy�s been staying there!� I can just hear them all now. Drunk, angry and gossiping about me.

My friends hate him and they would have yelled at me and given me so much shit for letting him stay with me. Of course the friend who spied and told everyone denied that they would ever do that. Really? Because when I was caught text messaging him in Louisville, one of my friends shrieked across the table (there were 11 of us), �Stop text messaging Jeremy. Someone grab her phone. She�s been texting him a lot lately.�

Hmm, if they get that worked up over me texting him, I�m guessing that they wouldn�t much like him living with me. Just a guess.

And my friends feel like I�ve been bailing on them lately and choosing Jeremy over them � I�ve missed 2 things. One because of my constipation/diarrhea and two because of my anxiety. That�s it. Absolutely nothing to do with Jeremy.

I don�t know what to do now. I�ve talked to 2 of the girls. One of them I told about Jeremy staying with me Friday over email (and yes, I got a 20 minute lecture about how stupid I was) and she told me that it would probably be best not to tell the other girls.

She called me on Saturday to warn me that Abby had spied on me and gossiped about me. I called Abby on Saturday night to confront her.

We talked for about an hour. Neither one of us feels like we did wrong. She feels like she had to spy and was asking the other girls for advice because �she�s so concerned about me.�

I feel like my life is my life and I don�t have to tell everyone everything. I do not like being spied on and talked about by my supposed friends.

Also, does she not realize that once the guys hear I�ve been hanging out with him, then they might want to too? They haven�t been out of respect for me, but how fucking two-faced do I look? If this gets Jeremy back into the group, I might kill my blabber-mouthed friend.

Secondly, I�m not best friends with all 12 of the girls. I am a private person and I do NOT appreciate her telling my business (especially when it�s so raw, hurtful, depressing, sad, horrible, etc.) to people I wouldn�t. She argued that everyone cares about me and that I should tell them everything.

I swear it�s like being in a cult.

So what now? Nobody is talking this morning (to me anyway � we all email each other everyday).

I don�t really feel like I need to send out an apology email. I�m not sorry.

Should I send out an email explaining that I don�t want to hear one word about it and that if anyone has ANYTHING to say either to me or behind my back to get it out now?

The snarky side of me wants to send out a detailed list of EVERYTHING I�ve done (down to the minute) in the past 24 hours � since they�re so concerned about me and all and feel like I should tell them everything.

Or I could just act like nothing happened and when it�s brought up, I can just tell people to fuck off (which is so what I want to do right now anyway).

They all think I�m a liar right now, which is funny to me. I�m the most honest person I know. I felt terrible not telling my friends about Jeremy staying with me, but I knew it was wrong and I didn�t want to hear about it. Plus, I didn�t want him to get back in the group again and I just didn�t want to deal with it.

Besides, it�s only a temporary situation. I told him he could stay with me until next Monday and then that�s it. He want to take me on one last date. He wants us to get back together, but we�re not.

Starting next week, it�s going to be awful for me again, but now I�m not going to have anyone there to support me (my friends aren�t going to want to do that again and I don�t blame them, which is another reason why I didn�t want to tell them in the first place).

I basically feel like I have no friends and soon I�m not going to have Jeremy either.

What would you do in my situation?

10:19 a.m. - February 27, 2006

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