usmcsis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- decision made first of all, thanks fallon and melissa for the hugs and kind words. it means a lot. so it's over. he is ambivelant as to whether or not he wants to end things but i have made my decision. of course, i haven't yet shared it with him, for two reasons. reason #1: with the mood he is currently in it will just piss him off. he does the leaving in his life. he likes it that way. he does not, however, like to be the one who is left. reason #2: we still have a few more days together. i want them to be good days. i do love him. this is tearing me apart. i want to be with him. i want it so much i can't stand it. but i can not continue to live this way. it is killing me. i am almost thirty years old and what do i have to show for my life? nothing. i have been divorced for almost three years. i have no husband, no children, no family of my own to love and cherish and nurture. i'm broke and i have no home to call my own. and i'm scared. scared that if i stay with him and live my life this way i will never have the things that mean the most to me. we made a pact years ago when we got together that we would never lose each other again completely the way that we had in the past. i do still want to be a part of his life. i want to be his friend. i want to be able to see the children on occasion. but i don't know if those things are going to be possible. i have other things on my mind to worry about. i have other people in my life who need me. my father is going to begin his transplant in the next few weeks and i need to be there for him and for my mother. my aunt, my dad's sister, has also recently been diagnosed with cancer. they don't yet know where it started. they know only that it has spread itself far and wide through her body. i need to be there for her family the way that they have been there for mine. my brother is being sent overseas. he cannot tell us where he is going or what exactly he will be doing. the only thing that we know is that he was chosen for the job because of his status as an expert rifleman and sniper. we know that he is going to the middle east. he leaves in ten to fifteen days. i love him and i am so proud of him but i am so scared for him too. i can only pray that God will keep him safe. he is home this weekend but i haven't seen him yet. i will see him tomorrow for a while and then he will be in richmond the week after next doing a week of training so i will see him then. of course he can't tell us where he is training or what kind of training he's getting. all i can do is have faith in the fact that he is a well trained Marine and that he is going to do what he believes is right, helping people get back their freedom. he was torn about the job offer. he was worried about leaving with daddy getting ready to go into the hospital. of course, the first thing he did was call daddy and ask him what he thought he should do. daddy told him that there was nothing he could do for him by staying home. when he joined the Marines six years ago, he swore an oath. he believes deeply in that oath and will do whatever it takes to uphold it. and for that i love him and respect him deeply. i cannot begin to describe the pride i feel for him. he is my little brother, he is my best friend, he is my hero. he has been there for me when no one else was. and i know that he always will be. i love jeff and i will never stop loving him. he will be in my heart forever. but i have others who need me and who depend on me and i have to let him go now and move on with my life. happiness is not going to just come to me, i have to go out and find it. 10:10 pm - 14 Jun 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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