ypsilanti's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- only lasts as long as you let it do you think this happens all the time? sometimes i fall asleep and i can hear the voices of all the people who have ever said mean and hurtful things to me in my short, small life. not even echos of cruel words or replayings of sad, painful memories, but more just their intonations and different tell-tale patterns in their speech. it makes me so sad. so perfectly sad to think that it doesn't even matter what's being said, just more so the possibility and likelihood of what could be said or go wrong. the terrifying sound of trust being built up, nailed into place and then demolished with thoughtlessness or other forms of selfish behavior. other times i can't sleep without tripping over a thousand thoughts and unlimited joyful possibilities. so many ideas that there's no room for rest. so many endless ways to go, each one something new, ephiphinal. even this summer when the kids who had just graduated moved in next door, and stayed up almost nightly til five am partying, then til seven rushing outside to puke, all within about a yard of the thin walls and windows of my house.. i was up, anyway.. their would-be annoying antics were just an afterthought, however seemingly worrysome at that time. i never think about it now, and i realize that i would have been awake listening to the sound of potential plans stuttering around my head if it hadn't been drowned out by future fratboys recycling beer up onto the driveway. people are always talking about the past or somehow holding on to times that can no longer be touched or fully recalled. i hear wistful or somehow melencholic tones ringing through my head, voices refering to the glorious days of before right now, clicking like the shutter of old photobook cameras and all collected memories.. "Those were different times." these are different times. somewhere between regret from the past and nervous uncertainty for the future, i've spent the last two or three years trying to figure out why and then spread the word that it doesn't have to be this way. it could easily be an overanylized string of words and ideas that ultimately have the same results as any coin toss. it could be the beginning, middle or end of a change that takes place inside of people's lives when they're not paying attention or expecting anything like that to happen. it could be the inevitable yet feircly dreaded "getting older". i could most possibly be as lost as i've ever been, all the while heading in the direction of "home". meanwhile, anyone even a few years older than me rolls their eyes, amazed at how remarkably unmoved they've been by everything i've made into my reasons to live. maybe slightly struck by the sheer amount of words and miles and calories that have gone into something so apparantly fruitless or obvious to them. and sometimes i fall asleep singing songs to myself, or writing letters in my head that intend to repair or reset all the things that have gone wrong since i was old enough to remember. words to paste over all the words of sharp conversations or unlistening voices that hurt my feelings enough to still be stuck under my astonishingly thin skin. determined to understand things enough to let them go, and to not forfeit everything i believe in just because it's so hard to live with or even explain or relate to anyone, and determined to continue to sing songs my friends wrote until i know the words without even thinking about it. the songs you sing yourself will be the ones that set you free, or those by which you sing yourself to sleep. tonight i started to drift off, not really asleep but by no means awake. more like a sight in my head than a dream i saw basil with a pair of golden wings attached to his back. he was running around in typical jumpy cat fashion, but seemed to have some sort of purpose in his steps, like a message or a plan that he had to share immediately. ******* listen to: david bowie "low", low, the fags, sex pistols, ohio, britney spears, roxy music, alice cooper, prince, magnetic fields, kathode, dancecard. 3:15am - 12.27.00 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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