mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 32 Days pass, weeks pass. Months and years and, I am old enough to say now, decades. I have decades of things behind me. Friendships. Possessions. A catalog of experiences. What a strange and peaceful feeling. My 32nd birthday is tomorrow. Yesterday, a lady at the grocery store said, "Oh! You look so goooood for your age!" I thanked her but thought, "What am I supposed to look like?" With the exception of 2005, it has been an easy 18 years. The hard parts came and went. Inconsequential things seemed so important. Relationships. Friendships. Financial woes. Broken belongings. Fender benders. The time I forgot to pay the power bill and ate peanut butter sandwiches by candlelight for dinner. They were huge in the moment. The things that stayed huge are the people who left. I miss them all and wonder about their far-away lives, the small routines that make their days. I wonder how I let them go, what specific choices led to each separation. Life moves forward, I guess. I trust the decisions and the weak wisdom of past me. New things: my heart is open and soft. Sometimes I hold her in my hand and tell the world, "Look!" Sometimes my chest is locked tight, draped in chains and razor wire, and I tell the world, "Fuck off." I read a lot of children's books and think of the messages they contain and how beautiful it is to be new and hopeful. Give more. Expect less. Love freely and without condition. Stay honest, stay kind. Some days, these things take focused effort to remember. I write in my family journal. I scotch-tape in scribbles that the kids proudly present to me, excited to have created something for their mother. I detail our days. Petting zoos. Trips to the park. Picnics and car rides and the songs we sing together. Valuable things. I get down on myself for not having more or being more or having achieved more and then I look at this book, handprint hearts and ticket stubs, and I remember that I have achieved plenty. Everything is good. Happy birthday, self. 11:21 a.m. - 2015-04-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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