10:23 p.m.

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I don't remember bein' born, don't remember how it felt

Things with that Kat girl have gotten maybe kind of stupid.

In a weird recurring pattern in my life I have found myself in a gray area where it's not completely clear where I stand. And I keep pushing against myself being like, we are just friends, but I also have lust feelings for her. But I know she would be a terrible partner for me and would make me crazy and I think I have decided to lock it away.

But so. What happened was we kept hanging out and stuff. And I invited her to this party at Sean's house and she actually came. Like unlike you and all your friends, she actually came to the party I invited her to.

But the thing that was bad about this was I felt like I should like hang out with her at this party because she didn't know anyone. But Lindsey was there and Lindsey kept taking people into other rooms to ask them questions about me and then at the end of the night Lindsey asked me point blank "Are you trying to sex Groupon?" because all my friends at Sean's party nicknamed her Groupon though it wasn't clear why because I also work at Groupon, so it doesn't make sense. ANd I was like "No, she is my co-worker, I am not trying to sex her actively."

And then Kat got too drunk and was like how do I get home and I explained and then on her way out the door started talking to this guy who was at the party as a friend of someone else's but no one knew well. And they talked for like another hour.

And because I am myself, I kind of got jealous of the attention she was giving him. But eventually she left and I was able to walk her to the train because she was a little drunk and didn't know where she was geographically because she didn't come to my neighborhood much. Or maybe she was just playing dumb. Like that's the thing. I haven't been able to figure out yet if she is actually a pathological liar.

But so I walked her to the train and she kept.... meandering. Or ... lingering, rather. Like. Being slow.... holding back... I got her on the train and she looked at me through the bars with her green eyes and black makeup and it wasn't clear why she wasn't just going to the train. It wasn't clear if she was acting this way because she was crazy, or drunk, or if she wanted me to put the move on her. Like it made me wonder if she was actually an Erin, if that makes sense. Like she wants the attention but acts mad at you if you expect her to tell how she's feeling? Or something? That's probably not a good explanation.

She kept texting me like "love ya!" and stuff like that, and it wasn't clear if she was like flirting or just being affectionate the way people sometimes will be. I have seen both. But I don't know. if you actually wanted to fuck someone you would not tell them you loved them before fucking them. that doesn't make sense unless you're in the bible. I digress.

I got back to Sean's house and Cyndi and Jon proceeded to give me all the reasons I should not pursue Kat. Cyndi's reasons were she has sex tattoos and she seems really interested in me. And I kept insisting that nothing was going to happen with her and she kept being like I think Lindsey is really disappointed blahblahblah why aren't you pursuing Lindsey and I am like I am not pursuing either one of these people because I am just friends with both of them. I would gladly make out with either but not at this second. i don't understand.
and Jon who is Cyndi's upstairs neighbor kept being like I dated a younger girl once and I realized that there was nothing I could tell her about what it was like to turn 25. And that thought made me be like "I'm done"

and i'm like cool bro, cool, not trying to date this Kat person, she sits by me at work.

It made me think two things, 1) a girl cannot come to a party and look cute without someone assuming that she is going to fuck someone (and that my friends must think this is bad somehow?? or something??) or like it was some kind of slut shaming somehow. Like. Oh she must be wanting to fuck someone, she is sitting by Bobby, she must want to fuck him why else would she come to this party. Like they actually thought that Kat has actual romantic or sexual feelings for me just because she came to a party I invited her to. Kat has lived here six months and doesn't really have friends. She probably wants to keep me around as a friend because I am a stable person and because I like going to movies and probably because I pay attention to her. There's nothing technically wrong with that.
and 2) my friends are incredibly judgmental and that I should probably not invite Kat to parties anymore because they are kind of disrespectful. Cyndi's reasons for being skeptical was the placement of her tattoos, the clothes that show off those tattoos, and what alcohol she brought. Like Cyndi told me Lindsey said to her "Why is that girl still here?" Who the fuck are these friends I have who aren't cool with whoever the fuck? Like... I thought I knew them better than this. They actually are more judgmental than I give them credit for.

Futhermore if Lindsey is so threatened by a platonic friend I have, that tells me everything I need to know. To say nothing of the girl I am going on actual dates with from OK Cupid who I have done actual making out with. If you are going to be threatened by somebody, it should be that person because that person actually makes out with me.

UGH! Also we specifically said Lindsey and I would be just friends who make out sometimes. Like. Get over yourself. You know what this is. UGH. ugh.

I emailed Susan about it and Susan basically had my back. Like I can have a 23 year old pay attention to me if I want to and it is OK for me to feel good about that. And she told me that my friends should trust that when I say I am not going to date someone who is bad for me that that is what I mean to do. Like, I don't think I make bad decisions dating-wise. It would be so bad to date someone I sit by at work. Wtf. Even if I do have sex fantasies about her. Like whatever.

And but so anyway.

Monday was Memorial day and so only Kat and I signed up to work, and get holiday pay, so I got there at 9 and started working, she got there at like 10 and was clearly either still drunk from last night or so hung over, or just generally sweaty and disheveled, because it was also almost 100F. And she immediately wanted to order pizza. which I should have said no to because I had eaten like shit the previous day and had brought a salad to counteract the shit. But I ate the pizza anyway. And it was when the pizza came that she told me that the reason she was so exhausted was because she had been having marathon fucking with a projectionist at the theater she volunteers for.

He is 43. She is 23. But she says that he's hot.

Admittedly I was a little heartbroken, and imagined all the sex we could have had together if I had invited her over to my house instead of getting her safely on the train. I am like a parody of myself. Looking out for someone's best interest means that nothing sexy or dangerous ever happens to me. She said they fucked over and over again. She said they fucked 9 times. That is actually a lot of times in one night. And it makes me wonder if maybe she is a pathological liar.

She would periodically come over to my desk throughout the day and sort of flirt with me and make me do impressions of our co-workers. She made me do an impression of this guy Matt K who sits behind me and threatens to kick in people's skulls. And she ended up being doubled over on the floor with laughter and it wasn't clear why she found it so funny because I never see the two of them interacting.

She tells me she has passes for a Thursday screening of Moonrise Kingdom. But do I want to go with her to a movie on Friday with the guy she was fucking the day before. I say I pass and she says well what about Tuesday. Like I am starting to think she either does have feelings for me or is like... needy for friendships and socializing. I weaken my resolve and agree to see a movie with her Tuesday.

At some point during the day she takes a nap under her desk. Again, I repeat we are the only ones in the office.

I go to Geoff and Katherine's picnic by the lake. It is lovely and Cyndi is there and i tell her about all of the sex that girl had with that adult man who is old. And she tells me she was probably telling me that to show me that she is sexual and to make me want to fuck her. I believe that is crazy. I come from a school of thought that says you do not tell people you want to fuck about people you are currently fucking. Because that will make them not want to fuck you. Even though it did make me want to fuck her. But even when I wanted that I was thinking about how her tellin g me about her fucking someone else does not entitle me to fucking her. Like that doesn't make sense. And the logic that she would want to fuck me just because I know that she had fucked recently... it is not sound logic.

I met two girls at the picnic. I did not get either of their informations.

I went home and to bed.

On Tuesday Kat and I went to see Hysteria at Landmark and it was good and the overall experience was underwhelming and unremarkable. We got a ride from our coworker Sam K who is vampy and beautiful. It was on thsi night I found out they are both Jewish.

I think Kat is probably just being friendly and I am just getting the wrong idea because of how I would like to sex her.

On Wednesday I go to the gym and take a shower and watch Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy and text Kat to tell her I am watching it. And she calls me. And we talk about work for an hour. Secretly I do not want to talk about work. I would like to not think about work. I would liek to watch this movie and then go to bed and then think about work when I am at work. But we talk for an hour. During this hour she tells me her friend lost the free passes to moonrise kingdom. I am not surprised and cannot be completely convinced she actually had them to begin with. But would I want to see "A Separation" at The Gene Siskel instead? Yes, I would want to do that because I missed it every time it was in every other theater. We agree to do that and hang up. I finish Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

Thursday ends and it is raining. She asks Sam K for a ride again and Sam K gives us a ride again even though The Gene Siskel is at the crux of the Loop during rush hour traffic.

She lets us out by the Chicago theatre and as we are eating asian food we are talkign about work again, and I tell her about a girl at work who was flirting with me over chat named Ali V who she knows. And it is at this point that Kat says "I have something to tell you but you legit cannot tell anyone."

It is now that she tells me that for a period of time she fucked Matt K, the guy we went to see Rushmore with at Music Box. The guy who I did an impression of about kicking in people's skulls. The guy who we sit right next to at work. The guy who is in a committed relationship. That he told her was an open relationship. After they had already begun fucking. She says that she is no longer seeing him because she doesn't believe his relationship is open. She said that she blocked him on chat.

I am suddenly replaying the events of the past few weeks in my head.

On the night we went to see Rushmore which would have been like May 18 I think, Matt K, Seth R, Kat K and me walked to the train together and rode it north. Seth got off. Kat got off. We got off at our stop. There was a period of time where Kat lingered before going down and leaving and it wasn't clear why. I think she is a lingerer. I am not a lingerer. I am a walker awayer. I walk away from you at the first chance that it is socially appropriate and I go home and watch Netflix.

And but so anyway.

Matt expressed to me that he thought Kat was annoying. And I expressed that I thought Kat had lovely tattoos in places on her body and sometimes wore clothes that revealed those tattoos and that I wanted to see the rest of the tattoos. And he seemed to think this was normal and did not have a strong reaction either way. He did say it would probably be a good idea to stay away from her and now that I am putting that in the context of this... it makes me wonder if that was why. Or if Kat is actually crazy and he knew that and was advising I stay away. But he also told me that night about all these other girls at work that he wanted to fuck and never said anything about her. And said it was really hard for him because he never wanted to cheat on his girlfriend.

I told Kat that tonight, that he called it "cheating" which indicated that it would be breaking the rules which suggested it was not an open relationship.

"Did you ever notice how he never talks about her at work thought? Did you even know he had a girlfriend?"

I knew he had a girlfriend because he would complain about his girlfriend's cats. And he is listed as in a relationship on facebook. I don't know.

He told me that one time he went to this other actor friend of his named Dana and tried to make out with her and she shot him down. And how he was really glad he didn't cheat on his girlfriend that night. Or something to that effect.

Kat is saying that the night he told me that story she had already been fucking him for a few times.

The logistics of Matt K and Kat K fucking are strange because Matt K is something like over 6 feet tall, kind of big, reminds me of Walter from Big Lebowski at age 35. Physically resembles him both in dress and facial hair. Additionally it is true that he will openly discuss the desire to crack in the skull of a motherfucker. With his boot. Like he is a big dude who can be scary in the wrong light.

And Kat K is a tiny human, kind of a pixie, 23, under 5 feet. To imagine them fucking is like imagining a great dane fucking a tiny purse dog. Like. How does that... "work."

And that night she knew Matt and I were seeing Rushmore and so she sort of invited herself along. Like I had gotten tickets in advance and she got a ticket there. And it seemed like he was disappointed she was coming. And I thought it was because he thought she was annoying, because let's face it, she's 23, she can be kind of annoying.

But maybe it was because he only thinks of her as a sex thing, and doesn't want to spend time with her socially.

he never told me any of this. And that was a night where we like. said shit to each other.

So I still can't be sure.

Either way, one of them ends up looking bad no matter how you slice it, one or the other.

So maybe I don't want to hang around Kat K anymore. I don't know. She seems like too much drama.

She told me while we were waiting for A Separation to start that Matt would sometimes comment to her about me. Because I think he knew that I had I guess flirtatious feelings toward her which I don't do a good job of hiding and had also told him about explicitly.

She told me that he said to her "You and Bobby seem to be lighting up the chatroom lately" (our whole team is on a chatroom all day to resolve work issues, but we mostly just fuck around in it)

She also told me that people also thought she and Seth R were flirting and she wasn't sure about him either because he has a live in girlfriend that he never brings up to her and they talk and kind of flirt a lot and one time she asked him about the girlfriend and Seth R, who lives with a girl and that girl works at groupon WITH us, said "How did you know about that?" as if he was consciously ... not telling her about his live in girlfriend.

So I don't know.

I don't know. there is so much drama surrounding this where I didn't know drama before. And like. I feel like... maybe some of it isn't her fault. But it still seems like it surrounds her a little bit. And maybe in that way she is trouble. And I should probably stay away from her.

But I also don't know what to make of this Jessica person who is 32 and works for United Airlines. She and I got naked together last Thursday. We did fuck but we did go down on each other and it seems like I could date her, but like... I don't know. I get cautious about it. Because I don't want to zoom into something serious when I don't know.

So we are just at that hanging out and getting naked kind of stage and establishing that it is more than empty sex. And a thing that I told her was that I feel like we get along really well so if we had sex it wouldn't BE... empty. And she told me that that was the right response.

Guess we're all just seein' what happens. Cool way to tie it all up. Cool tie up.