Sometimes when it's those pesky 'feelings' that you talk about there is no resolution. There is only hurt and the endless go round... because really, if you understood what was in my heart, you wouldn't have hurt me in the first place. We can only baffle one another when this hurting comes along and wonder how someone so close to being one with us/me can be so very very far away.
And sometimes when I'm hurt and after all the talk and failure to comprehend on both our parts I remember: you make me angry and hurt my feelings, and that's not new. Hell, read back a bit and see.
The really horrible part, the bit that keeps me up right now with tight eyes and a low ache in my head and chest, is that if I didn't love you so damn much this wouldn't even matter. I thought to myself 'Is this it? Is it over now? Can I live with the things that are here? Should I just tell him that the end has arrived?' and realized that I could no more say those things than cut off a limb. You're just too important.
And so it makes sense that right now I imagine I'd feel about the same if some part of me betrayed the rest; my hand or eyes or brain gone and done something to hurt the body it was part of. It would just feel unbelievable and senseless and unutterably painful.
I wait for you to return, unable to do anything else.